The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 133 - Live! Pete Holmes, Eddie Pepitone and Dave O'Neil

Episode Date: April 3, 2013

Recorded LIVE at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival, April 1st, 2013. Front Row Cheezels, Floor Ten and Lotion Guys.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey mates, the Comedy Festival is upon us. It is happening in Melbourne right now. Carl, say I'm someone who's interested in seeing some things at the Comedy Festival. What can I go and check out that I might enjoy? If you're listening to this, you may enjoy a little thing that we do called the Live Little Dumb Dumb Club on a Monday in Melbourne. I've heard of it. Yes, okay, I'll go on then. 7.15 at the Town Hall. We do an absolutely live hour podcast. We've got three special guests on there, minimum. Yep.

We don't have a maximum at this point. Okay. I'm going to say maximum of like 10. 10 would be too many. 10's a lot. 10's too many. I'm going to guarantee less than 10. Single-figured guests.

Between three and 10 special guests every episode, Mondays in the Town Hall. You can find our ones from last year at thelittledumbdumbclub.bandcamp.com and have a listen and see what you'll be in for. We've had amazing guests. We've got amazing shows lined up as well. We're also doing our own stand-up comedy shows every night of the festival in the Forum Theatre.

7.15, you can see my show spread. Then you can have a little break in between, get yourself a little bit of dinner and then follow it up at 9.45 with Carl Chandler has literally 1.5 million jokes. And also on top of that, heaps of friends of the show. Go and look

at the blackboard, look at the guide. So many people who've been on the show have shows. Here's a quick suggestion. If you want to watch the whole three, if you want to watch Tommy and my show in between, you can go and see Xavier Michaelides' show. Yeah, in the same venue. Yeah, really wear yourself out. Really poop yourself.

And for people in Sydney, as soon as that finishes, we are coming up to do a quick run of both of our shows in Sydney at the end of April. Yeah, April 25th. We're doing our own shows for three nights only. We've got a live little dum-dum club on the Saturday, all at the Factory Theatre, and we might be planning something a bit special

for after the live show. We'll keep you updated on that. But, yes, sydneycomedyfest.com.au for all the tickets for that. Guys, that's enough plugging. You get the show for free every week. Please come down, spend some money, see some live comedy. We'd love to see you there, and enjoy the festival. See you, mates.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Little Dum Dum Club Live! Yeah! Now please make welcome your host the fabulous Carl Kahnblatt and the stunning Tommy Dazzolo! Here they are! Go crazy! They look better on the radio. Hey, mate. Welcome down to the first live little dum-dum club at the 2013 Melbourne International Comedy Festival. My name is Tommy Dazzler.

Standing next to me in the other half of the show, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickheads. Alright. You've got your money's worth already. Yeah, the end. The worst introduction we've had I don't know how you can out-bad Luke McGregor But he's done it

I think by mispronouncing your name would do it I think he called you like Carl Chungler or something He really botched it It was wrong, wasn't it? He said the wrong thing Any guesses as to who that is by the way? Dave O'Neill Dave O'Neill, yeah Doing a shit the way? Dave O'Neill Dave O'Neill, yeah

Doing a shit job, sounds like O'Neill Classic shit O'Neill Great, thanks so much guys for coming out Give yourselves a round of applause Yay Yay Should we do our customary first question of the evening

Have you guys at the back pressed record on the thing? Are we all good? We all good. Yeah. We can't see anything. We have no way of knowing. Yeah, we're all good. You sure?

Yes or no, it's all good. You sure? Okay, great. All right. It's in God's hands now. All right. Officially, guys, it is 29 days to go until Nick Cody's birthday. Just so you know.

That'll weed out the listeners from the people who have just stumped up 16 bucks tonight going what the fuck is this? Let's actually get a quick round of applause. Who here has no idea what this is? Who's just stumbled in off the street? Guys in the front row with a lady with a box of cheesels in the front row

Oh you do not know that we've got a running joke where we punch people with cheesels I like that she's gone and seen something she doesn't know Oh, you do not know that we've got a running joke where we punch people with cheeses. I like that she's gone and seen something she doesn't know, and she's thought, I'd better get the box of cheeses in case that might be one of their running gags. Yeah, no, sweet plan B. If this is shit, I've got cheesles. Yeah, yeah. A mate of mine came to see my show the other night and sat in the front row eating a packet of Pringles, like the whole way through the show, which luckily it was only one of the small, you know, eating a packet of Pringles like the whole way through the show which luckily it was only one of the small you know the tiny

cans of Pringles it wasn't like a giant one with you who isn't having a time to get crumbs yeah because we both got solo shows on in the comedy festival so we've done yours I'm doing mine I had a show the other night where I had a really good one I found it was really good but my girlfriend came along she was sitting there and she came out of the show I was like oh that was really good she was like found it was really good, but my girlfriend came along, she was sitting there, and she came out of the show, and I was like, oh, that was really good, and she was like, nah, that was a bad one. What do you mean? It was like, oh, people were yelling out, and I was like, yeah, and she was like,

they were making noise, and I'm like, they were laughing, yeah, so, that's the point I thought, she's like, no, no, no, and I'm like, floating high, going, this is awesome. She goes, nah, I was sitting next to this woman, and she didn't like it at all, and I'm like, okay and she's like nah she really hated it i get it i i got it the fourth time just no more she's like yeah but you gotta listen she kept going oh god and mike how do we stop this happening and then i walked out in the street she was just making a voodoo

doll of you, just stabbing pins into it. Anyway, come to my show, everyone. I had quite the opposite. I did a show the other night. I think my first night of the show, I finished the show, there was this guy there. He was like, that was awesome, man.

He had a mate with him. He goes, can I get a photo with you? I'm like, oh, heck, it's this. I'm getting a guy who's liked the show enough. He wants a photo. Maybe he's a fan of the podcast. So I'm standing there with him. He's got his arm around me. His mate's getting ready to take the photo.

Right before his mate takes the photo, the guy turns to me and goes, So you're the bloke in the Toyota ad, yeah? And I go, no. And then he goes, oh. And then his mate goes, flash. So he's now got a sweet photo of the exact moment that he found out that I was not worth getting a photo with. So that's great for him to know. Guys, before we kick off, I might do a quick thing.

Tommy, can you film? Oh, yeah. Sure. This is great. This is really a great thing to happen. Oh, yeah. That's right. Because some of you who listen to the show may have noticed that Carl is not wearing the correct gear, is he?

Does anyone know? It's turned into like a Wiggle show. Where's Carl gone, everyone? This is heaps more fun, because I can say things and then no one makes fun of me. This is great. Here we go. The podcast hoodie. The official podcast hoodie.

Look at that. Even more go. The podcast hoodie. The official podcasting hoodie. Look at that. Even more impressive for the new listeners. They think wearing a different colour top will affect the sound of the podcast. But then this girl is now sitting here going, yeah, that's the exact colour of Cheezels. That's why now my thing kind of finally makes sense. Yeah, so this is a... You're wearing it in a very weird way. You've got your drawstrings tucked in there.

We'll fix it up in post. Yeah. I went down just before this to get a couple of beers to drink backstage and a couple of bottles of wine to give to our guests as a gift. And I got asked for ID. I got carded at the bottle. Yeah. And I'm wearing, like...

I just looked at the guy and went, How many 16-year-olds dress like they've come from Toad Hall? Yeah, yeah. I was going to say, they probably thought you should drink and go pheasant hunting at the same time. That's a new thing I'm trying on. That's what I was going to say. I got a text message just before I went on from a friend of the show, Kate McLennan. Oh yeah.

And she said that you went to dinner with her and Felicity Ward the other night. And you were at dinner, the waitress went to take some notes down. And as she was looking at her notes... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was this. It was the waitress... Let me tell it because it hangs shit on you. Oh, okay.

Sure, you're right. The guy who wasn't there should tell the story. Yeah, that makes sense. Let me have fun. Okay, please. This will be like a classic you thing where you'll just add in all the stuff that didn't happen. Yeah.

And then Bigfoot came and he raped you yeah big shit no no no anyway Tommy was fucking Voltron consensual consensual

you really held back there no well the story I got was you're at dinner Kate McLennan Felicity Ward and you the waitress went to take down

some orders was looking at her notepad and you said oh what sort of wine do you have your wine list? And then she looked up and answered Felicity Ward, because she thought the voice that went into her ear was a woman's voice. Now, that's, you've done it, that's not true.

Oh, really? That's not what happened, yeah. She thought it was Kate's voice? No. I asked what beers they had. Oh, right. So, yeah, because we were sitting right next to each other. It was great. And she felt really embarrassed and everyone else at the table loved it.

I was like, it's fine. It's part of a running joke. You're going to be on a podcast now. Yeah, yeah. She was like, what's a podcast? Yeah. Do you want to order some Cheezels? Yeah.

Yeah. Order some of that. On show, I'm like talking about how shows are going and stuff. I walked into the Victoria Hotel the other night and I was walking up the stairs there and there's like a main venue, there's like a venue at the top of the stairs as you walk up there and this guy comes running out of the venue. There was a show in the middle, like on. This guy comes running, he's got his hands over his mouth and he just starts like projectile vomiting everywhere. And to start with, he's come out and you come out and the toilets are here. The men's toilets are very clearly signposted here.

So he goes in this direction. He just goes the complete other way. And then he's vomiting into a bin. I've never seen someone vomit into a bin. Like, amazing work. And it sort of, it kind of had that look of like maybe he's like super drunk. Like maybe he's been super drunk in the show. And it just kept going right. And so I'm at the bar and then I thought I should see if this guy's okay.

So I go over and I go, you all right, man? Do you want me to get you a bottle of water? And he's like taking his jumper off, he's like covered in his own puke and he goes, oh, must have had a fucking dodgy dinner, eh? At least he's saying positive about the whole thing. But if you know the Victoria Hotel, it's great because the bin is like right

in front of the elevators and I was just so hoping that the door was going to open and then just like the Pope or someone in there, just the worst person that could be in there. No, no, he gets in and then he gets out the next open and then just like the Pope or someone in there, just the worst person that could be in there. No, no, he gets in and then he gets out the next floor and it's like The Shining instead of Blood of Spew, just like Alright, people didn't like that

That was a half, that was a line call that was half half, there was half people really into it and half people like, this is the worst thing that's ever happened to me. I really thought there was going to be people standing ovationing my spew coming in an elevator story but anyway that's fine. I guess it's 7.15 it's an early time slot. Yeah. That would kill at 9.30. I know it's a bit earlier than we were last year. Yeah. A full hour and a quarter earlier. Rightio. Should we get it cleared that up? Yeah. Hey should we go on to our first guest? What do you guys reckon?

This first guest he's been on the show many times before, you know him from Tractor Monkeys and the Agony of Life and from that ridiculous introduction to the show just before. Please welcome back into the Little Dun Dun Club, Dave O'Neill! Hey Poofs, how are ya? What is wrong with you? I don't know. What is wrong with you? I don't know. What is wrong with me? Is that why you got the arse from Kate and Husey?

I left Husey, Kate and Dave. I got the arse from Vega. Thank you very much. We all got the arse. They said Chrissy, whatever the fuck happened to her. And she kicked on, obviously. And did go with me. But let's not bring everyone down.

Vega's like shining. No one knows what that is now, Cal. Yeah, does it did go with me, yeah. But let's not bring everyone down. Vega's like shining. No one knows what that is now, Cal. Yeah, does it still exist? Wasn't there a point where it got to a point where there was just one bloke that worked there who was just pushing play on the CDs? It was a robot. It was a robot.

We got replaced by a robot, which, you know, that's life. Well, that's better than having something that opens up by saying, hey, poofs to people. They love that humour on Vega. They loved it. Hey, Dave, would you like a chisel? Yeah, I love chisels. What have you got?

Have you put them on your... You know chisels were invented by a guy who was making pet food and it was a by-product of pet food. Yeah, I'm an expert. Is that a theory? Is that true? Yeah, it's true.

How is it a by-product of pet food? Rabbit food. Yeah, that stuff used to come out when they made rabbit food. I don't know. I didn't read all the articles. They're still good. After all these years.

They still hold up. And I like that they've stuck with the box. I like any chip that comes in a box instead of a bag. Better than foil. Do you guys need a mic now? I had to lend these guys a mic the other day. Carl Chandler rang me up and said, can you bring over a mic like I'm his slave?

So I did. No, no, it's like you have nothing else to do than come and talk to me, which is exactly what you do. I know. Well, I'm looking after my son, but he's four now, so he's fine. You came around with your son,

and your son was filthy. He was covered in dirt and grit and just filthy. He's working down a mine. It's a Chinese model. You like Bob the Builder toy? Why don't you make it for a while, son? And then you had to change his pants and you just ended up changing his pants.

I said goodbye to you and then you just stood on my front porch changing his son's pants. People are coming past and going, what is going on here? And then he said to me, isn't the boy going to play with me? I said, what boy? He was talking about you. He was talking about you, Tommy. Hey, guys.

What? That's closer than the waitress got it. He said he was having a play date. He can go home now, Danny. I've got a play for that boy, but no. Anyway, the mic wasn't very good, was it? It's not a very good mic. It was okay.

I bought it at a place that got everything crazy price, so one of those cheap shops. Oh, yeah. Oh, right. I wish we'd known that before we asked you if you could drive it round. Yeah, we just had one-fifth of our podcast that sounded like shit that week, one of those cheap shops oh yeah oh right I wish we'd known that before we asked you if you could drive around yeah we just had one fifth of our podcast

that sounded like shit that week instead of five fifths like usual anyway that's just normal I've always helping out young comics

and they overtake me Dave Hughes used to be my support act so after the fifth gig I went maybe I should support you and

I remember driving Rove home one day he was a triad which is like an amateur comic and I was the MC I should support you. I remember driving Rove home one day. He was a tryout, which is like an amateur comic, and I was the emcee. I was getting paid, and I drove him home because we lived in Richmond, the same suburb, and he lived in this housing commission flat almost,

and I dropped him off. And he was saying, oh, I don't know about this comedy. I'm not going to keep going. And I'm giving him a pep talk, going, no, keep going, Rove. You're good, mate. He wasn't that good, but I'm going, you're good. I should have driven to a forest and stabbed the fucker.

Not that he's not a nice guy, but now he's this all-powerful man. So it's amazing. It's amazing. How about you guys? You could have talked him into it. You could have been the one to go, yeah, you're right, man. You're shit. Just get out of it.

You shouldn't have said as you dropped in, I'll never say hey, poofs. And bang. You wouldn't have made it. Who would you turn into a poof for? That was your suggestion for his catchphrase. Oh, really? Hey, you're the voice. I heard your voice on...

Say hi to your poof mother. That was my thing. Say hi to your father if he's a poof. That's what I said. Say as you sign off from the rope show. Go on. So much hate in this podcast. Anyway, next guest poof. That's what I said. Say sign off for the rope show. Go on. So much hate in this podcast.

Anyway, next guest is Rodney Rude, I think. I met him the other day. Did you? You met Rodney Rude? Yeah, I met him. Yeah. I went to Elliot Goblet. You know Elliot Goblet.

You're a good friend of Elliot Goblet's. Carl's had him at his venue. Carl's had Elliot Goblet at his venue, the Felix Bar. And he was big in the 80s. And he has this lunch every year with comedians. And I go, and I was sitting next to this old guy. And I said, sorry, mate, what's your name? And he goes, I'm Rodney. Root.

I, for some reason, a couple of weeks ago, in one week, I had three separate people call me and ask me if I had Rodney Root's phone number. Really? Yeah. Really? Like, all these people thought, like, Tom Ballard wanted to try and ask me if I had Rodney Roode's phone number Really? Yeah Like all these people thought, like Tom Ballard wanted to try and get him, I think I talked about this on the show the other day actually, Tom Ballard wanted to try and get him for the Triple J Goodass Friday

and he said, you'll have Rodney Roode's number just want to try and get him for that, I'm like, why would I have Rodney Roode's phone number? And then someone else hit me up and said, you know Rodney Roode don't you? I'm like, it's this rumour going around that I'm in cahoots with the Rude? Which I'm fine with as a rumour, by the way. I want that to go further.

So if you guys can tell people. You could be the son of Rodney Rude. Maybe I could. Or the daughter of Rodney Rude. Confused daughter of Rodney Rude. I've got both. Hey, your voice is on TV at the moment. You're doing an ad for Super.

Oh, yeah. Now, is that the Super? moment. You're doing an ad for Super. Oh, yeah. Now, is that the Super? Because I've got like eight different Super accounts. So can you hook this up for me? Can they consolidate and put you in your... They can. They're doing that. I asked the guy when I was doing the voiceover.

I'm like you, like any comedian. I've got about eight different Super. I don't know how much I've got. And he said, no, they're going to have this service where they consolidate it. Yeah. But apparently that's what all of them do. If you just call one of them and go, I want to be with you guys, they'll just do it. They'll just chase it up for you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no reason to not do it, yet I still haven't done it. And all those phones, they're all links to my mobile. So... I kind of don't see any point of doing it because it's like, you know, performing and stuff. It's like, there's probably about $15.70 in there. There wouldn't be a lot. Sweet coin?

Sweet coin for this ad? Yeah, it's about as much as I owe the actual tax department. I felt like saying, yeah, just keep the money and take away the bill. Because I thought all that money was mine when I did gigs for you and stuff. I thought that was in the... Anyway, whatever. That's not, you know... I'd love to be like an ad for something where it's like a business

that you actually have been thinking about using. You just go and hook it all up at the same time. That's right. I did a gig for Pizza Hut, an ad for Pizza Hut once. I thought, oh, yeah. And when you do an ad, they always have the client,

the person from the company supervising. Yeah, you go, oh, no, no, no, the pizza doesn't look very good. And the dude from Pizza Hut was the fattest man I have ever seen. If you only employ someone to represent your company, wouldn't you get someone skinny from Pizza Hut? I'm obsessed with this at the moment.

I don't know if you guys have seen on TV the ads for Domino's Pizza. Domino's Pizza must be the only company that has their CEO in the ads. Have you seen those ads? No. It's amazing because it's like the CEO and he's like a guy in a suit and he's like a guy that's sort of like a skinny, reasonable, normal build,

good looking guy in a suit. You go, that's not the fucking CEO. But he'll always come in and go, yeah there's been some complaints about what we've put in our pizza crust so we've decided to stuff it full of sausage. I just love that of all the companies, of every business that's out there that's the only one that puts their CEO in the ad is Domino's Pizza.

I thought that'd go better. I'm getting hungry. Can I have another cheese? Should we go on our next guest? Sure, let's do it. Our next guest is a visiting... That's enough tax talk. Visiting the festival from America. You may know him from the You Made It Weird podcast.

Please welcome in the little Dunlop Club, Pete Hoggs! Welcome. Thank you. Do I do a stand up? No, sit down. It's great to be here. Just doesn't understand the concept of the show in the least. That might be a good idea at this stage if you did some stand up.

Could I? Yeah. I'm working out this new thing. I'm just joking. I'm not. Some of you are excited, others threatened. Very comfortable in the front with your feet on. Don't move them.

Don't you move them. But it's people putting their seat on the stage when I would say the stage is not really a decent distance for foot putting on. Like, it looks more uncomfortable than comfortable. It looks laboured is what you're saying. Yeah. Like, you look like you're having to really stretch yourself to be comfortable there. It's just right?

Guys up the back, you should see this happening. Everyone come down here and have a look. This is really great stuff. I believe there's going to be a tension building on the back of your knees that you're blind to at this point. I'm older than you. How old are you?

Wait, don't tell me. You are 28. Are you 28? No, don't fuck with me, fella. How old are you really? You can tell me. No, that's not real. No, that's not real at all.

Nah, he'd be 28. If you are 20, you think he's telling the truth? I like your style. You believe me. It's like good cop, bad cop. No, it's not real at all. Nah, he'd be 20. If you are 20, you think he's telling the truth? Yeah. I like your style. I believe you. I believe you. It's like good cop, bad cop. You fucking lied to me again, I swear to God.

I will throw you down a flight of stairs and shoot an arrow at you. He'll try and stop me, but he can't all day. I will find you. Look, he's gone to get a drink. I'm telling you, he'll get serious if you don't tell me now. I come back and I'm angrily eating a Kit Kat. He's come back in. Where's the body?

You're being very casual about this murder trial. I just assume you've killed somebody. How did this go from trying to find out his age to trying to find out where his body is? Nobody comes and sits in the front and lies about their age if they didn't do some devious shit earlier today. Why can't you feel the back of your knees?

Because they're cold from where you left the body. Some sort of meat locker? You see in your weird newspaper Prime Minister's a woman. How are these local references doing? I understand she's dating a hairdresser. Tim. Tim the hairdresser.

I don't have anything. Alright, I'll do some stand-up. You rolled up your pants in a way I haven't seen. Is that an Australian thing? Is that just a... What is your name? Jared? It's not an Australian thing.

He owns a yacht, I think. You look like you play a leisured sport like polo or chasing the black servants. I knew you would laugh at that. This fucking country is so goddamn white, Brad. You don't laugh at any of the race stuff. We don't have white servants. That's fine.

I'm okay with it. You don't have white servants? No, not really. We're very egalitarian. Egal? Don't use words Americans don't know. Here's my impression of you guys doing impressions of Americans. Where's the Wi-Fi, Janet?

They have pizza here. That's every Australian comedian I've seen. You think we're obsessed? Yeah, they yell. They yell. We yell. We have wives named Janet, Jared, Janet, Jared. If you were a girl, would you have been Janet?

What is this, The Lying Robe? I was going to be Michelle. My mom had Michelle. Is that right? Dave and Michelle are not similar at all. My brother's gonna be Susan because we're twins. Wait, fraternal? No, identical. Identical. There's another one? Yeah. Just out there doing things without your will or consent? He lives in Switzerland. He's in Switzerland? He's just in another area? You're covering so much more ground than me. I know. I'm just here. Well, lesbian Val Kilmer is somewhere else. Don't laugh at that. That hurts my feelings.

That really makes my dick go inside my body when people laugh at that. Meanwhile, these guys are hating having their feet still on the stage, but they're thinking if they withdraw them it's like an admission of guilt. Yeah, because you're losing feeling in the toes, murderer. Where's the body?

This guy's going to be here for three more weeks out of just fear. Every show is going to have to put in an audience around him. Well, that is defiance when you do something just to spite somebody. That's like relationship shit. Are we dating? What is your somebody. That's like relationship shit. Yeah. Are we dating?

What is your name? You look like an Eli. Gera? You said it like, fuck you, Gera. Like I was going to be right. You're heckling my psychic ability. I don't think there's anyone called Eli in the whole of Australia. No, there's not.

Eli? Because you don't have any Jews. Everybody relax. There's a few Jews. Are there Jews? Yeah. Everybody relax. There's a few Jews. Are there Jews? Yeah. I did a gig for the Jewish Football League the other day. I love, see this is why Dave, we don't even know each other

but here's the bond of every comedian. I bring out a riff about Jews that the crowd decides unanimously that they hate me now. And you, fucking soldier in the foxhole, see the Grenading Oak now. I did a show on Fishing Jews.

I'm just remembering Dave telling me he was doing a gig at JFL. And I thought, oh great, he's going to the Just for Laughs festival. How did you get that? Turns out it's a Jewish football league. We've got JFL this year. It's JFL, man. Yeah, new faces for the Jews playing sports.

These are inside references. You'll get them when your comedy careers move forward. Yeah. Everyone's going to be inspired after this gig. All these people are going to start doing comedy now. Clap your hands if you want to do stand-up comedy. You know what? Fuck!

There's 20 people in this room that are thinking about giving it a go. One man, or maybe seal. Is that a wet seal? I'm going to bring this ball on the nose bit to the top. I think it was a tick being nice. Let's get that person

who's our third guest. See, that's why no one claps. You're like, anyone thinking about it? Clap, clap, clap. Get out there! Come up to terror! But that person should definitely do it because they've already got the right attitude. Just, ugh, fuck this. Yeah, we're four days into the comedy festival.

Yuck. So keep at it, whoever that was. Did you say yuck? Do you have yuck in America? You just said it better. Can I say yak? Yakaly? Do you have yuck in America? You just said it better. Can I say something? Yes.

Which of our accents is the baseline? Who's adding to it? Yuck. Yuck. Yuck. Yuck. Yuck. What's my name again?

Kyle. Kyle. There's a cat curled up on the couch and I'm Carl and the cat's curled. Cats and the Carl and the silver stain. I can't do this accent for shite.

No, it's hard one. You guys say shite? We're in Ireland, right? Supreme pants. Before the show you were pronouncing his name like Kyle. Like Superman's dad. I thought you were roughageage Kale humor is huge in LA It's not made its way over here yet I'm the American who doesn't know

What's made it to Australia yet It's like you guys have VHS over here? Do you know Michael J. Fox has Parkinson's? What has made it? You dummies, you fucking betrayed me on that one That's alright Two big events of America in the last 30 years though, I like that. VHS and Michael J. Fox. And that suggests to me that you want to know that because you've got killer gear about both of those things.

Well, I did have a couple minutes I wanted to try out. If you're ever watching, I'm just kidding, I've got nothing. These are very high chairs, I feel like we're in Boyz II Men. But it's nice, isn't it? You're the most magical man! I want to chase you. You sleep on a bed of marshmallows. I picture your home being delightful.

I am, yeah. Yeah, see? And there's another one. There's two of me. There's two of me. There's two of you. What's the time difference in Switzerland? It'd be, I don't know, it'd be about 9. 9 a.m.

9 a.m.? Yeah, yeah. But he wouldn't be at home. He'd be at his skiing chalet. Skiing chalet? Yeah, like skiing. What did I tell you about words Americans don't know? What is a chalet? Well, a chalet? A chalet.

It's a holiday house. And it's snow. Snow. I got snow. You got snow in America. You got more snow than us. So they go skiing on the weekends, especially Easter. So he's up.

Ours, you're not up. So in a way, you're always up. Yes. There's never a time that this isn't being given to the world In some form This in Switzerland is a lot skinnier though He's a lot skinnier That's great

You can look at him and be like That's me Save it up here Just don't look down ever I've got a feeling that if you edited Pete out of this podcast so far It'd be like that strip Garfield without Garfield Kale you sharp sharp-shooting son of a bitch, get in my salad.

That is so funny. That's the best thing I've ever heard. Should we get our third guest for the evening? Yeah, get him around here. This next act, he has just arrived in the country. He is here performing as part of the Headliners show. He's also premiering his documentary, The Bit of Buddha. Would you please welcome in a little Dun Dun Club, Eddie Pepperton!

It's great to be here! What a night! What a night for comedy! Comedy, comedy, comedy! Get on board, he's the funniest. There's nobody better than Eddie Peppin this is now

this is your first ever gig this is your first gig in Australia this is your first performance in Australia

so a round of applause for that is that true is that correct yes thank you very much yeah this is it

this is my first first time in front of an Australian audience and it seems lovely oh that is so off-putting you come out and you're like, great, I'm in here! Is this your first time?

Yes, it is. It's my first time. I go up and down, up and down, up and down! I don't like it. Find a medium. Find a medium. It is great to be here. It is great to be here. I love the hotel.

You're offering an opinion on the hotel. Not asked. Not asked. Let me tell you what I think about the hotel. Yeah. Were you reading my notes backstage? So the medina, how's the medina? It's really nice.

The elevators or lifts, whatever you call them here, they are just, it's a beautiful thing. You will press 10 and bang. You told them what hotel we're in and what floor we're on. Doesn't matter. I know. I'm not much of an improviser.

An improviser would have said, you press 7, and set floor 10. That's our floor. We're both on the same floor. What's the Wi-Fi situation like? You paying? How much are you paying for that? What? That floor dead, that's our floor. We're both on the same floor. What's the Wi-Fi situation like? You paying? How much are you paying for that?

What? Wi-Fi. Well, the Wi-Fi, it's very expensive. Yeah, it's a little off-putting for sure, you know? We haven't worked that out yet in this country. No, we don't do that. It's $100 a week. Right. That hotel, it used to be a post office

where a guy shot six people. Is that right? Yeah. Was it on floor 10? I think it was. Because my room... Room 60? I don't want to...

I don't want to... All the audience members are like, hello. I don't want to bring you down, but there's a bad juju in that fucking joint. Wait, was there really a shooty shoot? Stop saying ju. That's the double ju. Ju ju. One ju is bad sign, but one ju is okay. Two jus, you got a ju ju.

Bad ju ju. I just realised, I don't know, this this guest lineup kind of looks like an equation it's like, kind of Eddie plus Pete sort of equalized by... Oh, that's Eddie, I thought this was Dave's twin brother I thought... I don't like physical jokes I take them so personally

because I look at myself and I want to fuck me but then I hear this... What are you, Buffalo Bill? I'd fuck me, but then I hear this. What are you, Buffalo Bill? Why'd you fuck me? Wait, did you really pick that person? Buffalo Bill, at first I thought you were talking about the real Buffalo Bill, who was an American icon shooting. That's right.

And then you were talking about the serial killer. Either way. Put the lotion in the basket. Yeah, that's where the lotion belongs. You know, you got the floor and the basket. Just put it in the basket That's where the lotion belongs You know you got the floor and the basket Just put it in the basket please You'd have good lotion in the hotel wouldn't you Is there some satchels

How much is the lotion in the hotel How much is the lotion in room 60 on floor 10 What's the lotion in there like It's really nice the lotion I don't use lotion I'm not a lotion guy. You guys don't look like lotion men either. I'm just like, I'm au naturel.

I wake up... I don't know how I feel about that comment. Is that a plan? I don't look like a lotion guy? I wouldn't say that to strangers in Australia. Did I fuck up? That's a big thing here. Always tell them they use lotion. I don't mind you fuck up? That's a big thing here. Always tell them they use lotion.

I don't mind you fuck up my name, but it's now on the lotion A. Lotion A. We say that in Australia. The jujus are the lotion company. That was so funny. I'm going to tell you, I'm going to mail that joke to America

and it'll destroy. And then we'll shoot it as a TV show in six months. It'll be funny here. Then they'll appreciate it. Yeah, that's right. We'll get Steve Carell to say it. Yeah.

I'm just standing up for you. Good, I appreciate it. I like that I'm sitting on your jacket. Yeah, it's close. I love that we've actually got you guys because to be honest, we booked you, and then we didn't get permission for you to be on this show until five minutes before the show started.

Is that right? Yeah, it was something like that. So we were going to be talking to the dude on sound for an hour. The guy who wants to try stand-up. Yeah, that was a joke, but it would have been actually interesting. Well, we like to keep people guessing, right, Eddie? Yeah, I don't want my approval given until two, three minutes before the show.

It's a hard thing. He will share intimate details about where we're living and sleeping but he doesn't want you to know that we'll appear on the podcast. So you're room 60 so let me get you guys to do a show together. You'd be 61 or 59, 62.

Are you looking at me? Yeah. You look very much like you're looking at something else. No, I'm looking at you. Do you have two lazy eyes? Because you look like you're looking over there.

How is that possible? That's what the festival said. They said, we can have you on the podcast. Do not look directly at Mr. Holmes. Or you will fall in love. That's the truth. I'm like Prince or Hillary Clinton.

I reckon I've got a bit of ADD, so maybe I got bored in the middle of my own question. I agree. That Hillary Clinton rant, that was great. I'm going to carve an award for myself when I get home. Post that to America, too, with the same joke. They use post as a verb here.

They do. You do. You did it. And verb here. They do. You do. You did it. And there's someone in Switzerland also doing it. Post this to thin me. I should have said fat me, but I didn't want to. I just think you're a beautiful man. Thanks.

It's like being in economy here, isn't it? It's like sitting in economy. What is this, the funniest guy in Australia? This guy's a treasure. Number 23. Oh, they rank them. When did you find out he used to be in a band? Is that right?

Don't mention that. Which band? Why? That's a good story. Do you remember Man at Work? Yeah. No, it wasn't in them. There's a guitar back stage.

You guys were like playing songs. Yeah, we were. Who was that? I was playing. You guys were playing songs. Yeah, you were playing. Who was that? I was playing. What was I playing? Do you play guitar in your act? No. I was like, fuck.

I know. Right, because I would hear the sound of the peg being lowered. Keep going. Eddie, no lotion, man. No? No. Are you... Eddie's in culture shock, I reckon.

He just got here. He was on a... Talk about the plane. What seat are you sitting on on the way back? Did I call you business class? Yes, that was really lovely. I call it, like, grueling luxury because the flight is so fucking long, but, like, you're getting fed strawberries, and you're like, I'm gonna die, That was really lovely. I call it like grueling luxury because the flight is so fucking long

but like you're getting fed strawberries and you're like, I'm gonna die but I'm gonna die with like French toast with Mars Capone. Nutella. Nutella makes me period. And then there's the bed. You know, in business you get the bed.

Really? You actually get a bed. I remember thinking that. In coach,, you get the bed. Really? You actually get a bed. I remember thinking that. In coach, they're making the beds. I don't know why we're not all laughing harder. Jesus Christ. Unappreciated in this time. I swear to God.

Someone assassinate me so we can look back at what I've done. Appropriately. This old blog is saying to Americans, got quite a few jokes in it. Don't worry. There's that one. There's my one. So they have a bed. A bed.

Did you go to sleep? But do you get the proper flat bed? Or do you get the... It was flat. And it was like I get excited because I don't travel business a lot. And I just get excited about the luxury. But then when I woke up after like a couple of hours of sleep,

I woke up in the same dreadful anxiety that I would have if I was in coach. And I was like, I was beating myself up for it. I was like, God damn it, Eddie. Don't have thoughts about death in business class. You know what I mean? This is a place you should not have thoughts

about your demise and your failures. Business class is where you think about strawberries and pussy. You know what I mean? That kind of thing. If you think about death, they have that turn off your electric devices. They have to turn off your death

box, Eddie Pepitone. Like, boom. The flight attendants come by, I heard you were talking about death, you were thinking about death. Yeah. There's no nut up here. Not up here, sir.

No, not in the face. We have to pay to think about death in coach, so yeah. Like, bring it down on the trolley. You don't have to talk about it, you can just look at 24 E. Another one didn't make it Put him in the overhead Now Pete You're going back

And you're going to start Your own talk show As soon as you get back As soon as you finish this podcast Are you looking at me? You're Robert De Niro All of a sudden You're looking at me

I think you must be looking at me because there's nobody else over here. I don't consider you a person. You never said what band, huh? Was it very obscure? Arcade Fire, were you one of the 50? Oh, man. I was the second kazoo in Arcade Fire. I was a girl who played the violin for a while.

I was in Jermaine... Jermaine Bimino. Did you hear that? Yes. Yeah, it wasn't in them. Yeah? I was a girl who played the violin for a while. I was in, do you remember Midnight Oil? Yes. Yeah, it wasn't in there. I love Badger Burning. Yeah, great song. That's the song about coach. I mean, Jesus Christ, please.

Somebody send me a cake for that one. You have a hair right here. Is this too intimate for you? No, go on. It's all right. I've got lots of hair. It's yours. Thanks. Now it's mine. You haven't got bad here. Is this too intimate for us? No, go on. It's all right. I've got lots of hair. It's yours. Thanks.

No, it's mine. You haven't got bad hair. What's that? You've got good hair. You've got hair like mine. Yeah, we both have good hair. I think that's why we bonded right away. I don't know.

Don't you just picture us running in a field together? Yeah. Slow motion. You look like my twin brother. Well, you know, I'm Lithuanian. You look Lithuanian to me. No, I'm Irish. Oh, well, we got some of that in there.

What's your talk show? What was that going on? How'd you get that? Who books that? Who books that? That is so funny! Is Eddie the first guest? That is so funny. We were just talking about how Eddie's going to do some stuff for the show for sure. Eddie's just blowing up his ass. You're not really going to get him, are you? No. Eddie, we can't wait to have you on the show.

It's going to be fantastic. You mean it. I'll use lotion. I'll look better. I don't want to lube up Eddie. I like being able to catch you. I want to hold on to you. I don't want you slipping around.

What channel is it going to be on? Can we sit here? Is it YouTube? Is it web series? It's just shit I shoot on my phone and text to people. This is my talk show! My first guest is my talk!

Why did they laugh more? They're getting tired. I know, they're all tired. I'm kidding, you're doing great. You've never been in an audience before and you're really killing it. You've never been unified in this way before. Some of you have weird pants rolled up

and others killed a young girl earlier. I think as a group, some of you want to chase your dreams but you're not sure because your hands are perpetually wet. But it's okay. This is what's known as your alibi, isn't it? We're all witnesses. I was at the show the whole time. Giant John Ritter was quite funny.

You've just got to hope the first night of your talk show that someone in the audience has their feet on your stage because you've realized that you're going to kill them. Well, we travel around. This is a plant. You can't riff shit this good. Well, we travel around. It's the plant. You can't riff shit this good. And the whole coach thing,

we wrote that backstage. Talk show's on TBS. What's the name of your band? What's the gig? What is the gig? I was in an early version of ACDC. Really? No. An early version of ACDC. Really? No.

An early version? Was it just AC? It was just AC? There was none of the other members in it. It was just me. You were the Tesla version. You just had AC. Okay.

We don't know what Tesla is. Tesla... Isn't it a shopping centre in England? No. Tesla? Tesco. Tesla girls. Let's play this game.

Let's say some things that we don't think they know that are American. Dippin' Dots ice cream. Oh, they're here. They're here. The happiest girl. I know all the ice creams. We have that. That's right by the puppy shop.

Ask for sprinkles on the ice cream and the puppy named Sprinkles. Magical, magical girl. You missed the best part, you'll enjoy this. This is the actual name of the place here. Where is it? Fountain Gate. Fountain... Gate? Isn't that level one of Castlevania? God, man. That deserves eight small notes. I know, I agree. Pennsylvania. God, man. That dessert takes more than this. Yeah, I know.

I agree. I'm too old for this. What's he talking about? What about the pizza that has the cheese in the crust of the pizza? Yeah, we had that fucking years ago. I did the ad for it. You did the ad for it? Yeah.

It was just you going, no. It's pretty good. He's giving up, folks. Get into it. Eddie? American things that we don't think they would know. What about cheese that's wrapped in plastic? Like individual slices of cheese.

I don't think they have that everywhere. You know that a plane just travels in distance, not through time? I'm trying to think of stupid things. Don't say thank you, you're on my side. I feel like I want to be think of stupid things. Don't say thank you. You're on my side. I feel like I want to be part of their side. I feel like I want to be part of their side. How goddamn dare you? Buffalo wings?

I'm kidding now. We don't really have those. They're in a few places, but they don't have wings. Tremendous despair. Some parts of the country, yes. That might be real. That might want to be stand-up. He's got that already.

There was only one person who wanted to be a stand-up? Yeah. HBO Go. No. See, the point is, this is a hard game for me because I'm trying to get no reaction.

Like, I'm trying to say words that you'll be like, yeah, that makes me feel nothing. Gingivitis. Dayquil. Dayquil. I don't know. You don't know Dayquil? No.

Febreze. I know that word. Getting stabbed in the throat at night. Yes. Yes. Around here, yes. We had it in the day for a long time, but we got the night a couple of years ago.

That's great. I really think like that. You know, whenever I come to some place, I'm like, do they have day? You know, I mean, seriously. Like, can I tell you that fucking scary? You know, I mean, seriously. Like, it can be that fucking scary, you know, because I just psych myself out.

You know what a comedian does, like, oh, I'll never do well, I'll never do well here, not here, not here. It's just so southern

on the map. I mean, look at how far away it is. You were talking about, this is something Eddie said, he's like, I need to pay $100

to make my phone work here and another $100 to make my phone work here and another hundred to make my act work here I didn't say that I believe you said that somebody else said that it was me about my act

that was me the whole time but I wanted to say it with you the Kennedy Festival should provide that as a service for visiting acts

like they come over yeah they could they pay the festival a hundred bucks the festival gets a local act to do the references they do they do

one of my friends wrote for Barry Humphries oh really Barry even though he's Australian but he didn't know the references anymore so he had to write

all the he didn't know his own references no he wrote for Melbourne didn't know so because he'd been

overseas or something don't be sweet if you said NyQuil and there's just a guy in the corner going fucking cough medicine

the one guy nailing it Don't be sweet if you said NyQuil and there's just a guy in the corner going, fucking cough medicine. The one guy nailing it. I can't think of anything else. Polyurethane hearts? No. A questionable touch from an uncle with a blonde mustache. That's a good one. That's a good one. They've got their own.

What about chips in boxes? Do you guys have that? Do you have Cheezels? Cheezels? No, we have easels. Are they just like... I'm just looking for common ground. No, that's a big block of cheese you can write on. Demetri Martin uses it in his acts.

I love pushing Eddie and I'm sorry. I really think that Demetri Martin... That's a funny thing to do when you think something's so hilarious. It's so funny! I need to grab onto something. This is so funny. Wait, that's what it feels like. That's unpleasant.

I got what he thought. I'm like being friends with a hawk. So this has been the Dumb Dumb Show. Oh, I'm like being friends with a hawk So this has been the dum-dum show Oh, I'm sorry I thought I was hosting for a second That's actually funny that you say that because this morning my girlfriend said Oh yeah, this morning you're doing your podcast Tonight you're doing the podcast

The dum-dum show You don't even know what it's called What is it called? The Little Dum-D Dum Club, thank you. Oh, boy. I like that you're being offended not by the dum-dum, but by the lack of club. Yeah.

We're idiots, but we fucking organise. It's not just a show. Yeah, and a little. Like, yeah, we've unionised ourselves, and we're tiny in stature. I'm sorry, I thought it was the diminutive dum-dum organisation. I'm sorry, I fucked it up. It was a word joke and I'm a little jet-lagged

even though I flew business. Don't open with that. Don't open with that. That's my advice as a local. Don't open with that. By the way, I also have trouble because I'm older than everybody, I have trouble hearing fine... Not everybody.

Please! I'm making a point to a new audience. I have trouble hearing fine different people at once. Yeah. Like, I floor sanded. I sanded floors. I don't know if you folks have floors here. We do. I used to.

We have floor sanders. You have floors. Motherfuckers. But my hearing, and I'm just hearing echoes, and I'm doing a lot of this. Like, you know how you pretend you're in a conversation? She left people in the audience who feel the exact same way right now.

Yeah, it's evening. I should say for the people listening to this in podcast form that Eddie made a smiling face and turned gently left and right, implying he could not hear, but he did not want us to know. In fact, make any face, Eddie, and I'll narrate it for you.

Mild joy, soft despair, a twinge of horny. A twinge of horny? You're just gonna twinge up your cock. They call it a cock here. I learned a weird one for vagina what is it Irish term it's like vagina vagina kinky is it Moot?

Mud? China is moot. What did he say? Moot? You thought that was going to be a great moment. And everyone can just be silent so we've got a good edit point here. Fantastic. That's the end point.

We're ending on moot? No, stop saying it. We're trying to edit that out. It's a moot point. I'll give a moot a point. Is that what we say? I don't know. Is it not moot? Eddie's gone mute. Anyway, whatever.

A lot of moots are mute. You could be a good clown. Were you ever a children's performer? Are you being serious? Yeah, you could have been arrested as a serial killer. You know, like... That bit just took a weird pull to the left to make a right no because I've been compared by people who really

know me well and know my genius to I'm not an arrogant person I'm the most humble man on floor 10 room 60 in the arena but I've been compared to Burt Lahr who was an amazing clown

do you know who I'm talking about Bert Lahr he played the cowardly lion oh yes he was but he was a vaudeville guy but what are you saying I have a clown face am I a clown to you are you looking at him

when you do those expressions Are you looking at him? When you do those expressions, I thought, yeah. I have a very flexible face, yeah. What a weird thing to say with a straight face. Yes, I am. I have a very flexible face. You look more like a Mormon extra. You know what I mean?

You look like someone from Big Love. Have you ever played a Mormon? I've been to Utah and they do accept me as their king. When I went to Utah, it was like Muhammad Ali going to Africa. It was like... Everybody loved me. Is that true? They let me in the temple.

I saw the dragon. There's a dragon. There's a dragon. See, nobody gets that because none of you are Mormons no are there any Mormons here the same person he just wants the flow

to show to keep flowing please please keep the show flowing it's Danny the guy who can't take silence he's got a cloud blowing over there

silence he claps all night that's Danny alone at home. Only we. And here's the clappers with the lights are flashing. Well guys,

I think that does bring us to the end of the little dum-dum car. Is that right? I think that brings us to the end of the first episode of Pink Himes talk show. Of what?

You know how you said that police have Americans shouting? It's true. Yeah. You both shouted a lot. That's the secret. Inappropriately hijack

anything you're kindly invited to do. That's how you get ahead in life. That's how you get ahead in show business. You're ending the show. I'm ending the show.

This has been the Dumb Dumb Stupid. Your girlfriend got it wrong and nobody gives a fuck hour. Download it on iTunes and go fuck yourself. Good night, everybody! Good night! One more time, Eddie Peppertone,

Pete Hoyle, and Sandoval Neal! Yay! Thank you, guys. Thank you very much.