The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 135 - Live! James Adomian, Sam Simmons and Bart Freebairn

Episode Date: April 17, 2013

iPad Filming, Bad Arses and Javier Bardem.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey mates, the Comedy Festival is upon us. It is happening in Melbourne right now. Carl, say I'm someone who's interested in seeing some things at the Comedy Festival. What can I go and check out that I might enjoy? If you're listening to this, you may enjoy a little thing that we do called the Live Little Dumb Dumb Club on a Monday in Melbourne. I've heard of it. Yes, okay, I'll go on then. 7.15 at the Town Hall. We do an absolutely live hour podcast. We've got three special guests on there, minimum. Yep.

We don't have a maximum at this point. Okay. I'm going to say maximum of like 10. 10 would be too many. 10's a lot. 10's too many. I'm going to guarantee less than 10. Single-figured guests.

Between three and 10 special guests every episode, Mondays in the Town Hall. You can find our ones from last year at thelittledumbdumbclub.bandcamp.com and have a listen and see what you'll be in for. We've had amazing guests. We've got amazing shows lined up as well. We're also doing our own stand-up comedy shows every night of the festival in the Forum Theatre

7.15. You can see my show spread. Then you can have a little break in between, get yourself a little bit of dinner and then follow it up at 9.45 with Carl Chandler has literally 1.5 million jokes. And also on top of that, heaps of friends of the show. Go and look

at the blackboard, look at the guide. So many people who've been on the show have shows. Here's a quick suggestion. If you want to watch the whole three, if you want to watch Tommy and my show in between, you can go and see Xavier Michaelides' show. Yeah, in the same venue. Yeah, really wear yourself out. Really poop yourself.

And for people in Sydney, as soon as that finishes, we are coming up to do a quick run of both of our shows in Sydney at the end of April. Yeah, April 25th. We're doing our own shows for three nights only. We've got a live little dum-dum club on the Saturday, all at the Factory Theatre. And we might be planning something a bit special for after the live show. We'll keep you updated on that. But, yes, sydneycomedyfest.com.au for all the tickets for that. Guys, that's enough plugging.

You get the show for free every week. Please come down, spend some money, see some live comedy. We'd love to see you there, and enjoy the festival. See you, mates. Welcome to the Melbourne International Town Hall Comedy Festival. Little dumb-dumb live show. Please go crazy and welcome to the stage, Tommy Das Comedy Festival. Little Dumb Dumb live show. Please go crazy and welcome to the stage Tommy Dasolo and Carl Chandler.

Yeah! We forgot 50% of the microphones. Sweet work. Hey, everyone, thanks very much for coming down to see Little Dumb Dumb Club live at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. My name is Tommy Dasolo. Standing next to me, the other half of the show, Carl Chandler. G'day dickheads.

Oh, we heard that twice in the last two weeks. Yeah, that's gone better. That's gone better the other times we've done it. It was pretty full. There was no excuse for no cheering then. Round of applause. Who's familiar with with the show who's heard our show before lady lady in the second row just did this i feel like everyone that knows this is up the front so that's cool but there's just a whole

background of people going oh fuck tom Gleeson sold out. This is again I love when this happens like this lady down the front row like I have no idea what this is better sit second from the front.

I want to be close to whatever it is that's about to happen. I don't want to miss out on whatever the fuck this is. How have you been going festival

last week then Tommy Dastlo? Me? What's happening here? We've got people yelling out already.lo? Me? What's happening here? We've got people yelling out already. What's happening? What's happening, guys? Started strong and then backed right out.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, I'm going to pop up on a podcast. Oh, no, I'm not. My festival's been going good. I've sort of lost my voice a little bit, as you can hear. There've been numerous requests on the Facebook page and to me on Twitter. People wanting me to lose my voice because apparently I sound a bit sexier without it.

It's been a big response to that statement, hasn't it? Same woman again. No. No. Look, for people that listen to the show, I talked a little bit a couple of weeks ago. I was coming up to doing a gig on an aeroplane. I was going to do stand-up on an aeroplane.

You don't need to have heard that episode to then hear this story. But you do need to be familiar with what aeroplanes are. Everyone? No, the same woman in the front row. No, don't tell her. She's never heard our podcast or been on an aeroplane. This is her first experience on earth right now.

So I did a gig on an aeroplane, which, you know, imagine how that would go. And that's how that went. Quite weird. You know when you have the phones up the front of the plane where the stewardesses use that to communicate? That's what we had to use as a microphone. Yeah, so not good.

And there's a button that stewardesses press for a second to go, hey guys, we're about to take off's like a button that, you know, like Stuart Estes pressed for like a second to go, hey guys, we're about to take off, sit down or whatever, I guess. Live your lives. You're in the sky. There's no laws up here. Do what you want. Yeah. So we had to hold that down for 10 minutes.

So that was the whole gig, just holding that button down for 10 minutes. It was quite weird. Hang on. People just really empathised with you then. People down the front went, oh. He had to hold down a button down for ten minutes. It was quite weird. Hang on. People just really empathised with you then. People down the front went, oh, he had to hold down a button. That's nothing.

That is not about to hit the officer at all. That's nothing compared with the miracle of flight, which was happening at the time. Oh, I had to do this with your finger. That sounds terrible. For ten minutes, you said. Yeah. But what happened was there was a...

We had to sit in the second row. There was Pete Hellyer, myself and Tommy Little, all friends of the show and we sat in the second row waiting for it to all happen and just before we go on like we're quite nervous because people get nervous about flight already. We're nervous about doing Santa while we're flying going this is going to be possibly the worst gig of all time

so we're just getting ready. We're pumping each other up and then the stewardess comes to the front row. We're in the second row. She goes to the front row and bends down and goes, so guys, this is going to happen now at the moment. There's going to be stand-up. And then she bends down and just says really loudly, why are you guys so sad? To you? No, no, no, to the front row.

So then instantly we know we're going to be playing to a very sad front row. Right. In the middle of the air. Right. So what happens then is I go up and do my gig and I'm watching everyone else go up and there's some guy inexplicably just sort of half leaning out of the row with an iPad who's filming the gig but then instantly flipping it around so filming behind him at the same time and just looking like this is the most awesome moment of his life. Just holding up an iPad going

just looking everywhere like a two year old child on Christmas Day going how good's this oh just doing it so I get up address the guy

when I'm doing stand up address that there's a guy holding up an iPad everyone goes oh that's funny whatever I get six minutes seven minutes into my gig

I watch the guy slowly go just pulls the iPad down I get six minutes, seven minutes into my gig. I watch the guy slowly go... Just pulls the iPad down, packs it away, puts it under his chair. You look over and he's just started watching Game of Thrones. Yeah, yeah. He's got his headphones on. And of course I point it out and go, oh, geez, the gig's struggling. If this guy's pulled his iPad down.

And he goes, oh, it'd run out of batteries. And I'm like, yeah, like it always does when you tape stand up on a plane. So then I sit down and go, that's fair enough. I sit down. As soon as I sit down, I go to get something to eat. Pete Hellyer goes up and he goes... Pulls it back up again. Can I have that?

So when we talked about this on the show, I was curious about this and I don't think you really gave me an answer whether you knew or not. Did people on this plane know that this was what, like when they booked the flight, was it to go on a comedian flight or was it just sprung on them? They knew. It wasn't like all of a sudden Pete Heller is taking

this plane to Cuba. Just jumps up and commandeers the plane. I think some of them knew and then when they got up to the flight, there was like big signage and it was like, hey guys, you're going to get comedy on the flight. Okay, right. It was okay. It wasn't completely unexpected.

It was like this audience here tonight. They've come here and then some of them have gone, oh, there is a little bit of comedy happening here tonight. So that's a nice surprise. This guy in the front row is putting his iPad away already. Because there's a video of it. The airline made like a highlight video of the gig. So I've actually watched it.

And it's very funny because it's Tommy Little and Peter Hellyer who are well-known comedians from the media and then you. But it's funny because they're interviewing Peter Hellyer and Tommy Little before the gig and they're very much like, oh, it's stand-up on a plane. I mean, you know, this is going to be... I've never done anything like this before. This is going to be very, you know, this is going to be... I've never done anything like this before. This is going to be very, you know, this is exciting

and, you know, a silly thing to do. Anything could happen here. And then it cuts to you and you're just like, yeah, well, you know, if this goes shit, at least there's going to be other comedians on the plane to talk to about it. It's like just the difference in attitudes. It's like...

That's something I quite well... You know what the other thing about this flight was? What had also happened, I don't know why this guy decided to do this, but he decided to propose to his girlfriend on the flight. So it got to the end of the gig, and there was this really clumsy way of doing it. It was like Tommy Little had emceed, and he got to the end and went, right, now someone's been sort of heckling all night, so let's get him up here to talk to us.

And he hadn't been heckling at all. It was a weird set-up. And all night, like it's midday up here to talk to us. And he hadn't been heckling at all. It was a weird set up. And all night, like it's midday and the flight goes for like half an hour. So he came up and then went, and Tommy's like, oh, so have you got something to say for yourself? And he goes, yes. And then

gets down to do his sports bag, brings his girlfriend up. So his girlfriend's standing there. He just rumbles around in his sports bag for like a minute. And it's like, we all know what's going to happen next. So then he proposes to a girlfriend, it all goes well, whatever. They say yes, whatever. As they say in the classics.

But then I find out afterwards that someone else wanted to propose, and they said, no, we've already got one of them. So there are two people not married tonight, because someone got in first on the plane. So they've probably broken up. That's it. No more. That's like

preventing a child from coming into the world. Or was that your just excuse for not proposing to your girlfriend on the same flight? No. Someone's already done it. I don't want to look hack. I do like that guy though doing that. Like it's already a flight where you've got comedy happening on a plane. Like something that's already a flight where you've got comedy happening on a plane. Something that's already

something very out of the ordinary that would never happen. And someone there going jeez, I reckon we need to spice this up a little bit. Better add a bit of extra sauce onto the top of this. If there was a terrorist that comes over to try and take over that flight, people would have just been like, yeah, great, another thing. Awesome. How's this going to end up?

Alright, we all good tonight guys? Because that was some pretty gold stories, and you guys are lying. That's about six out of ten. Let me see. Let me see what I had to talk about. Oh, God, this is going well, isn't it?

Maybe we should just bring a guest out here. Let's get a guest out. Yeah, okay, cool. I've actually got some stuff. Oh, you know what? I've got one thing that I want to talk about before we bring a guest out. A friend of mine, Sam Gray, who you know who's working in the info booth here at the Comedy Festival,

he found out this week that he's going to be on Millionaire Hot Seat. He auditioned for it a little while ago, right? Now, when he auditioned, I said to him, if you get on the show, you've got to wear a Dumb Dumb Club t-shirt on the show. And he's like, of course I'll do that. And now he's gotten it, but he'd sort of forgotten that he said that. So he's come up, he's like, I got it, man. I'm doing it. I'm doing Millionaire Hot Seat.

I'm like, well, great. You're going to wear the Dumb Dumb Club shirt. And he's like, oh, I don't think I can. I don't want to be. And I'm like, you've got it. You said you would. That's the whole, how good is this going to be? That's the whole point of trying to win a million dollars.

But he's shown me the contract and it's like, all the things, it's like, you've got to bring three clothing options with you. So it's like, grey Dumb Dumb Club t-shirt, blue Dumb Dumb Club t-shirt. Then we just need to do like a third, let's do a red one. A bare chest with us scrawling in texta. Hey mate.

But he's working, it says no branding. And he's like, oh, they'll be onto me. I'm like, hey mate isn't a brand. It's just a thing. A dumb thing to say. Yeah. So he's trying to it says no branding. And he's like, oh, they'll be on to me. I'm like, hey, mate, isn't a brand. It's just a thing. A dumb thing to say. Yeah. So he's trying to get out of it. And I said to him, man, what is more important to you, a million dollars or friendship, I think is what it comes down to.

So I don't know. I really want this to happen. Even if he goes in with a jumper on and then first question, he's like, whoa, I'm bitter. I don't know. I didn't expect the studio lights to be this bright. It's a lot of pressure and he just pulls it off and it's your head on his chest. And there's no way they would edit that out, so that's fine. That's definitely going to happen.

No, I just really want to make this happen. I really want to make this happen. So we'll try and keep you updated. It's happening in a couple of weeks and it's something to talk about further down the line. Great, alright. Let's crack on. Let's bring our first guest. He's been on the show many times before.

You'll know him from the Something for the Drive Home podcast. Please welcome back into the Little Dum Dum Club, Bart Freeman! Whoop whoop whoop whoop! Is this your new thing? Just saying whoop whoop whoop? Whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop! This is what we're doing, isn't it? We're doing whoop whoop crotch noises? Yeah, sure.

Sweet. The lady in the front row looks very confused right now. There was a tweet on the way in where someone said, hey, I'm behind a lady in the crowd that seriously isn't going to enjoy this show. I'm just wondering how close we are to that lady.

It would be hard to tell. Everyone looks like they're in absolute rapture at the moment. Is that the right word? Rapture? What do you think rapture means? It means they're going to heaven. So it's like a church group you mean? No, you don't have to. You can just go to heaven. It's just a good place to be.

You don't have to, you know. Do you actually know what heaven is? Heaven is, isn't it those ice creams where they're made and then... So everyone looks like they're made and then... So everyone looks like they're going to ice cream at the moment. It's what you thought when you walked in. No, it's a feeling, man.

You can't describe it. It's bigger than your words. Have you not had dinner? And this is like on cartoons when people get stuck on a desert island and then you're just looking out and you're just saying... Everyone's... Everyone's turned into an ice cream in your eyes. This could end with me eating someone's face.

You're seeing nothing but Buffalo Bills out there somewhere. Yeah. Buffalo Bills. Oh, what saying nothing but Buffalo Bills out there somewhere. Yeah. Buffalo Bills. Oh, what's it? Buffalo Bills. That. Delicious ice treat. That is a great slip and a delicious one.

Oh, I meant the guy that took everyone's skin off in Silence of the Lambs. That's what everyone looks like. Wrapped it in delicious chocolate. And his nose is bubble gum. Yeah. It puts the lotion on its skin. Or it gets a treat. Yeah, it puts the lotion on its skin.

Or it gets a treat. So Bart, you were doing a show in a pillow fort for a little while. And how did that work out for you? Well, I'm not doing it in a pillow fort anymore and it's excellent that I'm not. Is that a good... I'm doing a show about Wonderment in the Comedy Festival and initially I thought it would be a great idea to do it in a pillow fort because kids are full of wonder and that would be a nice, it would be a sweet idea. You guys

think a pillow fort show, some of you would come to that maybe a few people nodding, it was fucked it was just too intimate, it's too intimate, like there's no barrier it's just me and 15 people and me going it's like one of those things where they say,

you know, too many chiefs, not enough Indians? Too many pillows, not enough blankets? Yeah, that could have been... Is that a thing? Is that a technical term in your theatre world? No, but it is now. I had lots of blankets. It just didn't work.

It was too intimate and because of that, it's more of a conversation. It's not a show. People feel obliged to talk and the things they say are generally shit. Does anyone else have any dreams? People are like, I like fire trucks. I'm like, that's fucked. Where are we going to go from there? See, that sounds like what Carl's show has turned into

but you don't even have the excuse of it being in a pillow fort. No. Is that one of your jokes? I like fire trucks. Have I just taken your gear? Yeah. Sorry to stomp on your gear. That's fine. Well, because Carl Woodbury, who's been on our show once before,

who we painted a very accurate picture of him as being a bit of a derelict, a bit of a one-man hobo of comedy. You guys were in the same venue in Adelaide. He hitchhiked there, didn't have a venue to stay in, a place to stay in, so he just slept in your venue, in your pillow fort. He slept in my pillow fort. Yeah, he lost his shoes.

Like, they were stolen because he left them outside for about ten hours. And we actually caught him having sex in the pillow fort on the last night. Like, we came in, the other guys were in the room. With someone else or with the pillows? I didn't part the curtain, so to speak, to look in to see what he was doing.

But we walked in, we'd went and had pancakes because the other guys in the venue had won Best Emerging Comedy and we got back into the venue and we're like, yeah, and we're like, Woodbury, are you in here, mate? Are you in here? Come on, we're coming in. He's like, no, it's not a good time. I'm like, are you having sex? He's like, well, you guys have been real harsh in the moment, eh?

It was gold. I heard one of the best heckles. It wasn't directed at me for once last night, but I heard a story last night. I heard a story last night that someone got halfway through their show last night and then one person just popped up and went, why are you telling us all this? That's a very good question, I guess, in a way.

It's a much deeper question than I think they meant. Someone could really ask that now and I would not have an answer for it. I had my show went up a bit late on Saturday night Someone could really ask that now and I would not have an answer for it. I had my show went up a bit late on Saturday night because the show before me went late and it was like 10 minutes into when my show was meant to have started and I was waiting to get into the venue and these guys that were waiting to see my show were there as well

and they've come up to me and they're like, hey man, we've got tickets to something right after you so we're probably going to have to leave your show early because it's running late. And I'm like, oh, that's a bummer. So then the show starts and it gets sort of near the end and i can see them sort of the two guys kind of fidgeting and checking their watches and i'm like oh guys there's like three minutes left it's fine and then i checked my watch and went shit your show's starting now like you guys should you really got to go and so they kind of

like they'll like up the back to us they'll really awkwardly kind of just walk out of the room and they're like as they're walking out they're like, bye mate, nice show, sorry we can't see the end of it. And then they leave. And then because the other people in the audience didn't know what this arrangement was. So I can see people looking at each other going, oh fuck, is it that easy? Oh, can we just go if we want?

And there were a couple of people who looked like they were considering just going, well fuck, now the door's been opened. Let's just... And I actually would have loved it if then every single other person had just followed them out. If everyone had gone, I haven't seen enough. I like how bright he was. So everyone else probably thought, oh, they've really hated this show and they've walked in.

They're like, see you, mate. Shit show. But yeah, anyway, I'm just going to... See ya. Not interested in the end, but good luck for the rest of the run. Yeah, yeah. Should we bring our next guest on? Sure, let's do that.

Bye, Freeburn, everyone. I'm going to move over. Our next guest, he's been on the show before. You will know him from the ABC series, Problems. Please welcome back into the little Dundon Club, Sam Simmons! That one there. Yes.

Hello. Hey, Sam. It's good to see there. Yes. Hello. Hey, Sam. Hello. It's good to see you. What? That's all right. Just some chair adjustment problems. How are you going?

Good, yeah, good, good. I've got a bad arse, but I'm all right. Okay. Better food poisoning or dodgy diet? Just a bad arse, just a bad arse. Just in general, is this a new thing or? No, I think I might be internally quite unwell, but anyway, this is not... LAUGHTER This is not an anecdote just to like you know spread about but anyway yeah okay that's good so you've

had a bit of a whirlwind week you went to la for like two days or something yeah last monday yeah i left it like and this is really and i was on a connecting flight to um sydney so i thought you had to get there like four hours before the flight so i rocked up at two anyway I had to be there at six so it was kind of annoying just being depressed at the airport. And then flew to LA and yeah did some weird stuff over there. It was weird. That's weird going there and back like in the space of one week. Like that's such an intense

Yeah I cancelled two shows to do it and then got back on Thursday morning at like ten and then just rocked up and did my show. Yeah and do you think that kind of time zone shift might be a cause of your bad ass? That might have something to do with it? Well, what they do, you know, on airplanes, I didn't know this,

it's apparently a thing, they clog up the meal. So you basically, they constipate you on the plane. Oh, really? No, it's a real thing. The food they actually serve you is stuff that actually clogs you up so you don't need to toilet. And so you did two, like, 13-hour flights within four days? Yeah, and then, like, two, like, 13-hour shits for, like, one day.

Yeah. It was the worst, but... Yeah, so not feeling great. I'm sweaty and weird. Glad enough, really. I've just had a... I've had a shit day. I just went and, like, tanked another gig just then, and I was so...

Like, me and the girl, like, we've both obviously had bad days. This is a girl who's running the venue. We're both just so angry at each other for no reason. I felt so bad bad I just bought her a little box of chocolates because I'm lovely like that but then I gave it to her begrudgingly

I said why does anyone do this for me anyway it was horrible I got a great heckle a few years ago I was in Townsville and it was packed it was a massive theatre

and just half way through someone just stood up and went, we don't understand I like one guy speaking on behalf of everyone, like I've done a survey around the room and no we don't get what's going on here Before we went on tonight I ran into Greg Fleet and I said oh you know Sam Simmons quite well

what should I talk to Sam about? and he just goes, gay brother truck driver. Yeah, okay, alright. And then I... Yeah. And then so I was just bringing it up because I thought, I don't know if this is true or not,

or whether he's just trying to make me say that and seem like an absolute arsehole. But see, those words, they could be two topics. They could be gay brother and truck driver. That could be one topic, gay brother who's a truck driver. Or it could be four separate things. Gay, your brother, trucks and driving. It could just be a topic

for set list. He might have got confused this with set list. What's the story? Fleety and my brother go way back and we all know about... Does everyone know who Greg Fleety is? Have you all lent him money at some stage? No.

Anyway, I know... Greg got off his head one night one night ended up in bed with a man it's the only time he's suchode it's a dear friend of my brother's Gavin Campbell I knew him as a 14 year old boy so I know the man that Greg Fleet succumbed to

he's not a charming man it's one word isn't it him as a 14-year-old boy, so I know the man that Greg Fleet succumbed to. He's not a charming man. Sorry, succumbed. I can't believe it was him. It's one word, isn't it? Succumbed. Anyway, he led you into that. Where does truck driver fit into that? My brother's the least effeminate gay man

you'll ever meet in your life. He's literally like a truck driver who roots men. It's so manly. It is so manly. He makes the act just seem so incredibly manly. And it makes me feel like when I'm having my boring

old heterosexual sex, how effeminate it is. Because he's a man. He could bust in the door and point at you and be like, gay. So now, of course, you just said on Twitter

the other day, you're moving to America. You're going for good. That's exciting. You've got stuff lined up. What's the plan? It sounds like that episode of, you remember in The End of the Office with Gervais?

You got any things in the pipeline? Oh, more of these. More of these. More of these. Lots of things in the pipeline. No, I am. I'm over there doing lots of stuff. I mean, I don't want to jinx a couple of things

because they're my dreams. But I've done a bit over there already, which has been great. I did Adam Devine's house party, which is the guy from Workaholics. Does anyone know who that is? Someone made a noise. This guy made a noise at that. Yeah, so I did his Comedy Central special thing, which was awesome. But they like a weird Australian over there, which is excellent.

They're right up for it. It was really exciting. They're just like over here they just go fuck you're weird but you've also got that thing where in the UK they go

fuck don't be weird we're weird they're like a weird Australian Bart do you want to audition right now yeah man seriously

it's open over there for us it's great Rebel Wilson's done amazing things for us yeah she's funny because you've also

got that thing about you where like you can sort of like you put a thing on Twitter the other day where you put one of your tweets was something like

oh I just woke up from a weird dream and then your next tweet was, I'm playing the weird Australian gardener character in an episode of Parks and Recreation, which says a lot about you that everyone just... I saw your feed just exploded. People went, oh, my God. And I thought it was a real thing as well.

Well, I actually auditioned. This is the thing. So I was putting it out into the ether just to see, like, maybe it'll come true. It was the most extraordinary audition. Was that your audition? No, no. Just do this and see what they think.

This literally happened. I was in there and like, I don't know, the audition process over there is massively intense and it goes through about three minutes. You just see this door and it just opens and then someone else goes in. And I've been in there for like two minutes. I started doing my American accent and this woman just went, where are you from? I'm like, I'm from Adelaide in Australia. She said, just do it like that.

So I started doing the audition, and it was going quite badly, and then she was laughing at me a lot. She goes, I've got to get Greg in here. So she got Greg Daniels in, who's the producer of The Office and Parks and Rec and all that. And yeah, they kind of liked me a lot, so I'm going to sit over there with a couple of writers. That's awesome, man. It's kind of exciting.

Cool. Yeah, we can. Woo! That was very polite. I actually regret this a long time being our third guest. Okay, so I don't know if you guys listened to the show last week. Oh, Sam Simmons, by the way. Round of applause for Sam Simmons.

That's not much. I don't know if you guys heard the show last week or if you were here last week. We had an international guest, Trevor Noah, who was meant to be on. And, okay, he pulled out at the very last minute. He pulled out with half an hour to go. He pulled out with what Sam Simms has got right now, apparently. Badass, yeah. So yeah, that was very disappointing,

because these shows in the Comedy Festival, we like to sort of make them as big as we can. We like to have big-name guests. It's the International Comedy Festival. It's fun to have international guests. So that was very disappointing. So we thought this week we'd go all out and try and really make up for it and get kind of the best international guest we could.

Big name. Straight to Hollywood. So we've called out all our favours. We've pulled out all the stops. We have a massive guest. You know him from No Country for Old Men. You know him from Skyfall. Please welcome into the little dum-dum club, Javier Bardem!

Woo! Thank you. I want you to tell me something, little Tom Thomas. I see the entrance music was cued from the beginning of the song. Yes. That is appropriate. I know you requested that we play this when you came on. What I requested... Tommy...

Yes. And I think this is very important for how we are going to proceed. Yes. Tell me something, Tommy was very bad, wasn't she? Tommy. Yes. Was very, very, very bad, wasn't she?

I think, hmm. Oh, what did she do to you? I've got to be honest right now. I haven't actually seen Skyfall, so I don't... I mean, I watched a clip on YouTube and... Well, let me to feel you in on what is happening I'm just chewing scenery right now

I wanted to fill in I imagine you have audiences that are listening Pardon? I'm striking an incredible stage picture if you are listening at all The music can elegantly fade out

I would not mind it. That was pretty elegant. Does elegant mean sudden? Because I think we nailed it. Let me tell you a story. Carl, I have been listening to your work. I'm a fan. But I have to tell you something.

You scare me. Have you ever been scared? Oh, he's touching. He's actually touching me. I'm only grazing the side of your cheek with my nose. Do you like my bask features? You actually smell evil I smell like a donkey because I have a donkey's face and the most attractive donkey you will ever see that was amazing you just transition from rubbing cows leg to mine

in like one when you learn something about acting, you learn about transitions. They're elegant transitions. You don't have to take care of it. Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam. I fucking can't deal with it. I can't deal with your head. I seriously can't deal with it. Sam, perhaps you would not be willing to work on a project if you were moving to Los Angeles. I'm happy to do things, yeah.

Whatever you want, whatever you want, I'll hurry up. You know you could have a promising career. What you need to do is experiment because all actors are bisexual and it bleeds out in their performances. My ass isn't great at the moment.

You know I will tell you a story about my ass. Daniel Craig sodomized me so hard. He punished me. I bit down on his cyanide capsule. Do you know what happens when you bite down on his cyanide capsule? Ah! Ah! do you know what happens when you bite down on the cyanide capsule it makes it easy for blowjobs again

this is what's happening our photographer is fucking around not with his camera out there is a blowjob happening on stage and he's gone from history is that a pretty accurate recreation of Greg Fleet and your brother's

friend so Tommy if you haven't watched Skyfall you just saw the whole movie oh okay cool yeah

there is one crucial event I think we are forgetting and that is I'm a very obvious standard for Julian Assange

oh yeah sure because if there's something scarier than Julian Assange more touching yeah it's a gay Julian Assange. Oh yeah, sure. There's something scarier than Julian Assange. More touching, yeah. It's a gay Julian Assange. That adds

more depth to WikiLeaks. Imagine if you say WikiLeaks with an obvious lisp. Wiki, wiki, wiki, wiki, wiki, wiki. I demand a stronger reaction. Wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki wiki w I don't know what I'm doing, mum. Please. Best stripping ram ever. Kiss me. Kiss me, you rinded doll.

Kiss me. This checkmate. Again, he just put the camera away. What are you taking photos of? Can you go over to our photographer just so we can get one damn photo out of this night, please? Does he want a photograph? He's over there.

Let me tell... Oh, pardon me. I'm so sorry. What is your name? You don't have long to live. You should probably make it more soon. What is your name? Mark? Mark.

I have a coin I can flip. Would you like me to flip a coin? By the way, I want to point out that I do not speak Spanish. I was raised by people with thick Spanish accents. I've learned a few nominal phrases in tons of it. So, Javier, how long have you been in the country for? Like, what are you actually doing here? Don't let people know how long I go places.

I have to come and go. I've taken on the character Raul Silva. Oh, yeah, I didn't know. For people listening at home, you don't look... You are dressed up like your character Raul Silva. I am a character. Something happens sometime in the life of an actor when he becomes his character.

You are sweating a lot as well. I will give you one tip. It is not sweat. It is liquefied sperm. You sound like the count from Sesame Street, but the gay count from Sesame Street, like, I want to suck your cock. Ah, ah, ah. One, one cock.

Two. That is accurate, except the number of cocks I wish to suck is incalculable. Arithmetic alone could not accomplish it. It is a high-level calculus problem. Some of the teeth are going to be lost in the audio. Some of this, I don't think, is ever going to be able to... I think that is accurate, and that's probably why I've come here, is because I wanted to hack into your podcast network.

Okay. We don't have a network, we're just one podcast. I beg to differ. You see, I have hacked in already. Oh, shit. From my temporary Australian phone. All you need to do is hack into your dentist account and tell him to do a proper job next time, I think.

Have you ever gotten free dental work, Carl? All you have to do is some licking and hacking and licking of his asshole. It's not a good combo, licking and hacking. I beg to differ. How do you think I brought the Drudge Report down for six hours? Jesus. So why do you want to hack into our podcast? What are you hoping to achieve by doing that? Because I want to reveal your listeners to the world in vengeance. In vengeance for all you do to me when you...

You notice that the teeth fill in for when I don't have an idea what you did to me? I want vengeance for you not booking me on your show last week and blaming it on me not showing up. I'm very surprised, Javier, because what I read about you, I did a little bit of research before the show, it said on Wikipedia that you are a stated fan of heavy metal music, with a penchant for ACDC.

And looking at this, you don't strike me as your regular ACDC fan. Why don't they strike you? No teeth. Oh yeah, no teeth. I haven't shaken all night long. Have you ever shooken someone all night long? I would normally shooken someone all night long? I would normally say yes, but not to a man that looks like you. The Wikipedia pages is constantly being edited. I go on under a number of fake names and edit my own.

I started my own page. I should let you know. I started to... I'm not going to take it out to make it easier. I started Javier Bardem. I'm not going to take it out to make it easier. I suggested something. Have you ever started a Wikipedia page?

I've tampered with them, yeah. I've made mine look better. Of course you do. Where's your show on Javier Bardem? I don't have a show. I'm merely here as industry. I totally can't cope with you right now. I know the man beneath and this is not right.

Sometimes a character is merely a cover for what we want to do in our real life. Do you understand this, Sam? Yeah, cool. Do you understand me? Yeah. I read your file on my Australian cell phone. Sam Simmons. Psychological evaluation.

Fail. Medical evaluation. Fail. Sexual evaluation. Tick. Unknown. Perhaps we would like to find out. I'll take you up the cravat.

It's a cravat. It's an ascot. I prefer the term ascot. It also functions as an anal bead if you play with it. All right. Please don't lose me now. I've got a horrible feeling. There's some trauma from my childhood that just looked like you.

There's just something... I've got the sweats on just like you. I feel like, I don't know what happened. There was a tampering at some point. You're scratching your neck. I'm so nervous about something. Do you feel like a child now? Would you like to be abused?

Oh, my God. We could go to the playground. Only role play with adults. I have no interest in anyone. I like to play chess with people. Something I read about you again on your Wikipedia is that you were a male stripper. I want to point out, I think it's lazy when interviewers

look up information on Wikipedia. You never know who could hate me and go in there and sabotage my reputation. Well, you said you'd hacked into our podcast, so you should have learned that that's the bulk of the research that we do on this show. Whenever you go to my Wikipedia page, you're helping my hacking.

I don't know how that works. Wiki-licky asshole. What did the information did you have it said that you were a male stripper for like a day it was more than a day is it today

it says that God created the world it has been said that God created the world in seven days Tommy do you believe that literally

sure or do you believe that literally? Uh, sure. Or do you believe that the process of evolution takes us down certain paths that could be considered a day's work, that may be a lifetime of an entire universe?

Why do all your philosophies involve so much time? I believe in a hand-on educational approach. I just really felt like when we reached out to get Javier Bardem on the show, we were going to be able to talk about his career, about the great movies that he's done. Like, I just, I don't know.

Blah, blah, blah. Boring, boring, boring, boring. I played someone in a wheelchair. I worked with Pedro Amador so many times. Brilliant, brilliant, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Now I found the perfect character and I intend to sit in it forever. But what happens if you get asked to do another acting role?

Are you just going to do every character you do from now on? This is how I show up. If there's another costume I put on, I will go over this blonde wig. Do you need other false teeth that you need to put over the top of those? You know something? There's nothing more difficult than working with false teeth.

It's a constant. Sanford Meisner said that teeth should always be what I have to do. There's no other way around that. Sometimes I hit what I call foul collapse. Where the nomenclature that I'm using

just sort of hits a minimum temperature and it's just sort of groaning foul sound. You would have thought with the cast of Bart Frevan and Sam Simmons that we were already going to be weird enough, but I think you have thrashed them. You know, Carl, I don't like when someone sells me out to an audience full of people because perhaps he remarked

he didn't get the reaction that he expected. That's correct. Yeah. I think I can read psychological motivations of what you're trying to do to me and I don't like it. I don't like it. You look like Bernie Eccleston fucked Matt Preston.

It's just not working for me. I'm not being convinced. That's going to sound great. I think if anything, it looks much better than it would sound to anyone listening anywhere else. Well, Liberace is like... Well, he didn't have children, did he? But Liberace shat out a... I don't know.

I don't know what's going on here. But I'm still his adopted. I'm fucking... I cannot go on. I suddenly feel ill. This is just an excuse for more touching, isn't it? I think it is, yes. I suddenly feel ill.

Please tell me. I don't know if I'm right with God. Do you mind if I pray the rosary? With you? I'm going to allow this. Oh, Mother Mary of God, Mother Mary of God, please be good to us. Okay, my girlfriend is here. If someone could get her to leave.

I think that would be best. We'll get a cab home together. It'll be fine. Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I'm pretty hairy, right, guys? Mr. Wrong. For those of you listening on the internet, Tommy is going to use nipple stroke.

And also your identities will be revealed very soon. I just... Does it feel uncomfortable to you? It's actually more delicate than I expected you to be. Thank God. You know, there's one thing that would make me very happy. I'm sitting here with my teeth hanging out. A modicum of reciprocation if you would like.

Oh you want me to... If you could. Just touch. This is entering a dangerous downward spiral. I will warn you that I have 18 nipples. This is just encouraging people to never come to our live show Because they get the show at home Without seeing anyone's nipples on stage What is wrong with this nipple on stage?

Do you mind if I I don't think I have much of a choice Look what they did to me Pity pity It tickles Oh god it really tickles. Oh, God, it really tickles. A perfect analogy for WikiLeaks. Again, if you haven't heard the show, we do this every week.

So, um, water. I think that's... The water's been spilled. Oh, shit. Shit, is that part of... Was that a mistake to draw away the focus from Tommy's boobs? Everything has been planned. Anything to stop nippy tweaks.

I'm running out of things that I can go to. Okay, well, I think after someone getting their nipples sucked live on stage, that pretty much has to be the end, doesn't it? Yeah, I think that's the money. Guys, please give a round of applause for Javier Bardem! Yay! What are you doing? It's a good stage picture.

Okay. Guys, that does bring us to the end of the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Round of applause for Bart Freeburn, Sam Simmons, Javier Bardem. What have you guys got coming up? Bart Freeburn? Oh yeah, my show last week,

it's called The Age of Wonder. You can find tickets, details on my website, bartlol.com. Sounds very normal after all that, it's called The Age of Wonder. You can find tickets, details on my website, bartlol.com. Sounds very normal after all that, doesn't it? Yeah. Yeah. Sam Sivins, your show continues. Shoe trivia, high-five bar.

And when I... Like, the Parks and Rec thing, don't get all excited. I'm sitting with writers. It's not a thing. Just relax. Do you know what I mean? Like, I just don't want to look like a dickhead in the end. Sweet plug.

My dreams are just going to... Yeah, they're just crumbling. It's fine. Javier, anything you'd like I mean? I just don't want to look like a dickhead in the end. Sweet plug. My dreams are just crumbling. Javier, anything you'd like to plug? Wikipedia. Forward slash Javier. Great, go check that out. Am I going to say who he really is or not? Or is he just going to spoil it? What?

Nothing, it doesn't matter. Nothing. He's amazing. He's a great guy. Sam, I think that the metadata and the download information will be plenty for anyone to... Oh, I don't know. I don't matter. Nothing. He's amazing. His guy's amazing. Sam, I think that the metadata on the download information will be plenty for anyone to... Oh, I don't know.

Fair enough. To put the pieces together. Can you just do something for me? Can you please just do Skeletor just for a minute? Do you want me to do Skeletor? Can you please just do Skeletor for a minute?

It's amazing. I am gay, obviously. I am dying from AIDS. Oh. What's that? Perhaps the curtain should have fell ten seconds ago. Guys, we've got our own shows. We're on for one more week.

Sky high. Let it come. 7.15 and 9.45 PM at the Forum. We're in Sydney next week. For people that are home, we're in Sydney doing a live podcast in Sydney. We're doing our own solo shows next week as well. Yeah, who knows what strange

actor slash villain is going to come. Come and suck on Tommy's nipple. I will be dressed as a police officer boarding public transportation sometime in the next week. Guys, that's it. Thanks very much for coming and we'll see you next time. See you, mates.