The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 139 - Lawrence Mooney & David Quirk

Episode Date: May 22, 2013

Karl's Girlfriend, Snake Skin Boots and The Cat Kissers Club.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey, mates! Welcome once again into the little dum-dum club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo. Sitting next to me on a plastic outdoor chair, the other half of the show, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. We're back. We're back in... We're back in Casa del Chan, man. Yep. One half of Podcast City. The split up Podcast City.

Yep. There's a note for me on the whiteboard that says, Fuck you, Tommy, from Carl's girlfriend. Yep. Now... That's how she signs off. She's not even aware of her own name. That's her email address.

Oh, Carl's girlfriend. Carl's girlfriend. At hotmail.com. No, Yahoo. Oh, Yahoo. She's like me. I made her... It's like getting someone to change their name when they marry you. It's like you can't have Gmail or Hotmail.com. No, Yahoo. She's like me. I made her. It's like getting someone to change their name when they marry you.

It's like you can't have Gmail or Hotmail. You must take Yahoo on like me. Yeah, I'm not a big sports fan, but I imagine it must be sort of similar to like barracking for different teams. It's just a lot easier in the house if you can both be on Gmail because then you can use the Gmail chat. There's a lot of passion with email. It's interesting to see a note from her on that whiteboard,

because we're doing this just after 6pm in the evening in your house, and I understand we're a big chance of her coming in midway through sitcom style. I'm primed. I've got the seat facing the door, so I'm primed to get a bit of this action. Yeah, that'll be interesting to see if she remembers writing that, to be honest, because she's clearly not all there if she responds in the way I don't want her to. See, I don't know what her handwriting looks like, but I do know what yours looks like. I'm very familiar.

Yeah. I've had many notebooks that I've left lying around at gigs defaced. Have I? Yeah, reminders to myself that I'm gay. That's horrible. I can't believe I cannot believe Diane would write that in your notebook. Some of my not frequently expressed political

beliefs just written down to remind me what I really think of certain minorities that are out there. That reminds me, I was just telling very quickly, I was just telling this story last night, I don't think we've talked about this, that anytime anyone asks me for a phone number in comedy, I always, they'll say oh, have you got Jamal's phone number? And I'll give them

the same number of this open mic-a-guy that's terrible. Yep. And so he, for the last couple of years, has just constantly got phone calls all the time for people ringing up going, oh, is this Ross Noble? No, not at all. But just heaps of people

heaps of people in comedy that he's been asked for he must be like is my number very close to 1-800 comedy

or something yeah you've done that on me a number of times I've spoken to him many many times and then now I just don't

I just don't ask you even if you're even if it's like someone I've met even if the two options of getting the number are you and someone I've met once, I'll go to the person I've met once and go, hey, you probably don't remember me.

Can I have this person's number? That's great. Because I know there's just no way I'm going to get, I'll get bloody 1-800-131166 or something. There's no chance it's going to be real. There's only the one guy that gets the one guy that gets his number the whole time, which is good because I have people that still hit me up for phone numbers for people that I've done this to many times.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What are you thinking? But this guy too, if it's the same guy that you gave to me, he is now no longer even doing comedy. No. So he must be now, if this is still going on, I didn't realise you were still doing this, he must be like, I'm amazed that he hasn't started doing gigs again

because people are always calling me up. I've got a lot of heat around me at the moment. I need to get out there. I need to get back on the scene. Let's crack into our guests for today. First of all, you know him from Problems on the ABC or Promises as it's sometimes more commonly known. Please welcome back into the little dum-dum club, David Quirk.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, brothers. How are you? Now, Dave, I need to right a horrendous wrong publicly. We were both in Sydney at the same time. That's true. I got a lift from the airport. We went from the airport.

Literally the first time that we'd stopped was in traffic in King Street in Newtown. I stopped parallel to you in a food store and I thought, at first I thought that guy that kind of looks like David Quirk and then you turned around and it was you. And you quickly blogged about it, didn't you? I tweeted saying, just saw David Quirk eating a sausage roll. First person I saw in Sydney was David Quirk eating a sausage roll.

And then who came to my aid? Sam Simmons called me to call me a liar because you're a vegetarian, you don't eat meat. That's right. I got in a bit of trouble for putting falsities out there on the internet and I just want to take this opportunity publicly to say that I'm very sorry. Thank you. That I sold you out.

You were trying to eat that sausage roll in private. Absolutely not necessary. There was no sausage rolls. What were you eating? It's ironic though in a, because you were side on. But the only reason why I know that particular vegetarian restaurant is because it's got the biggest vegetarian food sign out front, literally a huge sign that attracts tourist vegetarians like me.

So your eyes aren't working. I was just amazed by the randomness of you being the first person that I happened to encounter. So you tried to slander me just straight away. There's quirk, I'm going to ruin this. No, I didn't know. This vegan thing was kind of new to me. I didn't know that.

There he is. Let's just ruin him. He couldn't see the lack of meat from that far away, to be fair. The thing is, I wouldn't have cared. But I just find it more funny that Sam Simmons just came to my aid. Came to your aid, yeah.

Yeah, he loves me. I got a very abusive... Can we talk about this man to my left? Sure. Also returning to the program after quite a massive absence, but it's been a little while. You'll know him from his new series on ABC2, Dirty Laundry Live. Please welcome back into the little dum-dum club, Lawrence Moody. Yeah!

It is very nice to be back after a bit of an absence. The last time I was with you was you'd just returned from England, so it was last year. This is my first Dum Dum this year. Yes. Probably July or August with Kate McLennan. Yes. Yeah, right.

I've just discovered something I didn't know about you, David Quirk, that you're a vegetarian. I thought your sunken eyes were as or as old of your beautiful high cheekbones, but now I just realise it's that you're starving to death. It's all jokes aside, that's it, I think. If you look at photos of me and my legs... When I look at you now, I think you're fucking malnourished. I thought it was just an attractive,

kind of like rough-hewn, chiselled look, but you're dying. That's all politics. It's political. You're dying on behalf of animals everywhere. I just thought you had AIDS. Unrelieved, to be honest. I battle with worse vegetarian or AIDS.

I didn't know you got AIDS from vegetables. No wonder I was unhappy with sprouts. Come and get me out of this situation. Are you listening? How long have you been vegan for? This is coming up, actually, because I... A week now?

Right. You've been vegan for a week. I'm not... I'm not even joking. I have had... You know how I keep writing on... If you follow Tommy Dasolo or Carl or me on something as pathetic as Instagram, you'll notice that people like Nick Cody post pictures of meat all the time.

And anyone that posts food is an idiot, in my opinion. But if you post meat... Everyone posts food on Instagram. They're idiots. So if you've really got your work cut out for you, if you're going to start policing that. No, no, I'm just saying... So if you now see someone drinking a milkshake on Instagram,

you're going to get stuck into them as well. And on the street, I whack it out of their hand. Okay, I had a friend who was vegan for seven or eight years, a long time. No leather. Got all leather. He had the vinyl shoes. He's dead now, is he?

He wouldn't do wool. He wouldn't do honey. There's a question at the end of this, isn't there? Are you taking it to the... I'm vegan plus a killer leather jacket that I own. I was going to say, you love leather jackets. I'm a hypocrite. Because it's already...

I mean, the leather's already dead, so you might as well leather up. Yeah, this is... I reckon this is going to bore you, but there's going to be a whole bit about it in my next show. I'm very passionate about it. That's why I've officially gone vegan again. What about those sweet snake skin boots you're wearing?

You get it? They look like an endangered species you've ever seen. What about those sweet snake skin boots you're wearing? Yeah. They look like an endangered species if ever I've seen them. What about the cow that you rode here on? Stabbing it all the way. And then ate in the front yard. Hasn't he got a right to express himself freely? Do you know, I knew this lady. I did a play years ago.

You knew a lady from a play. Then I ate her. You're vegan. You did a play. God, what her. You're vegan, you did a play. God, what sort of arsehole are you? Does cunnilingus count as eating meat? Especially if it's a cow. That is the worst joke, Foz.

It's terrible. It's something my boss, Anthony Mapstone, would make me do. It's licking meat, isn't it? You eat meat. Ladies eat meat. Feminists are going to get angry, aren't it? You eat. Ladies eat meat. Feminists are going to get angry, aren't they? There's no such thing as female best period. We need to meet you, are we, Moody?

Feminist fan base on this show that hit me furious. I can hear them switching off. Most people that listen to this haven't even met a woman, so I think we're fine. David, now... If they were asked to point to a woman in a line-up of a boot, an oil can and a clothes horse they'd just go

I'm not sure they're vegan but for women yeah it's the same thing I like that in that line up it's a trick line up because there's not actually

even a real woman in there it's just all inanimate objects oh the boot and there's Mrs Doubtfire at the end is that one David how long have you been vegetarian for?

12 years. 12 years. Okay. I thought it was a recent thing for some reason. You've just cut out milk and cheese. Yeah, like chocolate and Milo is what had me down. Chocolate and Milo. So you're not a vegan.

You just haven't had a Milo for a week. You're off the shugsy. Don't dress it up as veganism. You're off the shugsy. You're too poor to afford a block of Cadbury dairy milk. Do you know how hard it is to answer a question in between? Is it a comedy show where we actually have a quick chat about something? No, no, no.

So it's like, fuck, I may as well not talk about it. If you actually care about my views on veganism, write to me at davidthomasquirk at gmail.com. But otherwise, let's just laugh it all out. I'm happy to do that. I will not bother to try and explain anything don't write the letter

with chocolate milk you've made some you've made some lifestyle choices yeah and the fact is that none of us have and so we find

lifestyle choices hilarious yeah you're different to us like we're not allowed to laugh at a lot of people that are different to us anymore so

not like the girl that laughs sort of people that are different to us anymore. Not like the good old days. All of our repressed racism and sexism is just pouring out in hatred of your veganism. He's a bit different when I think of him. I understand.

That makes absolute sense. He talks differently. And then one day we won't be able to make fun of vegans anymore either and then we'll be looking back on this as the good old days. This will be a black day

in history in a long time from now. This will be like... Remember when we hung shit on people that couldn't eat cream? It's September 11th and this. What's that apparently racist Disney film that they made that sort of has never really seen the light of day? This episode will have to be like that. We'll have to delete it out of the public record.

Song of the South or something, I think it is. Once this gets up on the internet, there's going to be articles all over Mamma Mia about this. Oh, did you hear the little dum-dum club? You pronounced it wrong. It's Mamma Mia, that Italian website, yeah. Because you can't make a good bolognese without beef. They're anti-Dave Quirk.

So it's actually a little bit racist, that website, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, Mam, yeah. Oh, yeah. But hey, Lawrence Rooney, we'll just go off from David Quirk just for a second. Congratulations on your new show. Thank you very much. On Dirty Laundry. It just started last week, so you're coming up for your second one this week and it's all live.

Episode two on Thursday. Every Thursday, 9.30 on ABC2. And I've got to say, I've done a lot of live, like you guys have done a lot of live, but this is a new level of anxiety and freak out. I was out gigging on the night, but someone said that

you had a quota of like 30 users of the word fuck and you tried to use them in the first five minutes. Is that how the show works? There's no quota. We can say fuck as much as we like. But we told Sophie Monk that you can say fuck and she was really excited. And so we thought maybe she's going to, you know,

throw a swear word into a sentence. But she just got on and I welcomed her to the show and she went, fuck. Was that her first word? That was her, yeah. She goes, I really want to do this. And just said, fuck. And I went, thanks, Soph.

That's great. You can use it in any context at all. She was free to do that, to be fair, wasn't she? Yeah, she was free to do that, absolutely. But yeah, there was a high degree of nerves on that first episode. I think we got through it okay, and there was plenty of laughs. How does Sophie look up close? Because I saw her the other day, and she's had some work done.

That's a fair sentence to say. Well, actually, Carl, we asked – let me correct you there. We asked Sophie Monk if we could discuss cosmetic surgery on the show because we'd actually planned a game called How Much Did Sophie's Face Cost? Oh, really? And I said, can we talk about cosmetic surgery? So that sort of subject

is going to come up within that game, I would have thought. Yeah. And she said, oh yeah, we can talk about it, but not in regards to me because I've never had cosmetic surgery. Oh, wow.

So you're wrong, Carl. Yeah, sorry. I take play about any other Sophie that might have had it, basically. Sophie... Formica. Yeah, sorry. I take play about any other Sophie that might have had it, basically. Sophie Formica. Sophie Formica. Which I think

Formica is a form of plastic, ironically enough. And Sophie Formica was our first female game show host,

and what did she host? A game called Were Wet'n. No. Were Wet'n. Were Wet'n. Yeah, that's? A game called Were Wet'n. No. Were Wet'n. Were Wet'n.

Yeah, that's it. Correct. Were Wet'n. Were Wet'n. Yeah, remember that game Were Wet'n Up? I can't remember

what the name of Sophie Vaughn White was. She, yeah, she was on like a weekday afternoon show. It was a kid's

show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was very attractive. There's Sophie Faulkner. She was on a game show too.

Also very, very attractive. Was she turning the board on? She was Wheel of Fortune. Wheel of Fortune. Yeah, yeah was very attractive. There's Sophie Faulkner. She was on a game show too. Also very, very attractive. Was she turning the board on? She was Wheel of Fortune. Wheel of Fortune. Yeah, yeah. So was she after? She was Adriana.

She was after Adriana. Right. She was... God rest Adriana's soul, Adriana's energy. She's dead now. Bye, mate. Don't laugh. That's it.

I wonder what you had to know. Don't laugh at me saying, bye, mate, Don't laugh. No one had to know. Don't laugh at me saying, bye, mate, after someone died. Sorry, our mistake. Seriously, Adriana is very strong in my memory because after she died, like a cousin of hers, She died. Like a cousin of hers, who is another Zenides, made a statement to the press about Adriana's death and this was a salutary reminder for all people in showbiz.

He said, Adriana passed away with very few assets. She had a humble flat in Sydney and some very meagre savings, very typical of most people in her industry. Oh, I remember that. That's the way it ends for us. We could all sit in this little humble flat now laughing it up, but we're going to die shivering and alone eating cat food. No money.

Can't wait. Cats eating it. Can't wait. Sounds pretty nice. Making an iPod in urine-sodden pants. Making an iPod, making a podcast. I'm on the way out now. Making an iPod.

Do you call this an iPod? Well, I want to ask you about Moon Moon. Dirty laundry life. I was going to say, too, I feel like we've kind of jumped the gun with having Moon on. We should have had him on like two weeks from now because we then could have celebrated officially Dirty Laundry Live being on the air

longer than The White Room. Oh, well. That would have been a landmark episode. There's a feeling that it may go more than two episodes. There's a vibe around the club. Congratulations. Around the office. I've got to say, it's a little bit difficult talking about Dirty Laundry Live,

not with you two, because Tommy's the only one that's rung me up and asked me for a job. Oh, no. That's a lie. That's unfair. That's unfair. That's unfair. Zoe on the telly, How'd you get that?

No No I did not ring up I emailed you Okay It's very different We'll edit this bit out Yeah please

Please I'll give you the disc If you could edit this out We'll edit this out No one needs to know that Okay You rat You absolute You fucking rat

I'm never going to go for a job ever again In case that happens there That felt so horrible Don't be ruled by your fears That's what the books tell you to do No, you're more than welcome to ask And your name was bandied around And you've got a good rep

That's good to know You've got a good rep out there Yep Well, he did You have But, Moonman, it's great to talk about success,

but what about the other, because this is sort of your first So, like, we back this up a second. Did I get a job or not?

It's great to talk about success, but let's talk about your failures. Yeah, yeah, exactly. No, but this is the first show

you've hosted by yourself. Yes. Yeah, for sure. So, what, and, you know, people go around and they do pilots over the

years and auditions and whatever so and you're a career comedian so i just you must have been in the mix for a lot of stuff until now because everyone's always said like at the moment they've said you know it's long overdue so you must have been close over the years to getting like many many things surely uh i've been in that mix of like you know the ensemble to be panelist for a long time right so i've got and then i suppose the last few years i broke into that world and started getting a bit of einstein factor spics and specs and you know the the long forgotten white room yeah and a few of those things and then i i think i moved into hey, what about Mooney as host? And I auditioned for Can of Worms.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The second incarnation, which Chrissy Swann got. And she's doing a great job. And I think she's made it a much better show. Sorry, Dicko, but Chrissy's better. And so, yeah, all of a sudden it starts to come around and you're suggested more and then you're at the forefront of people's minds.

But the way the ABC2 thing happened for me was a couple of years ago I did the Match Committee, which is a series of webisodes, which is still out there on the internet. The internet. Have you heard of Google? It's out there on an iPod somewhere. Yeah, so it's floating on an iPod in space. And from the match committee, we started appearing on the Mangrook footy show because our make-believe

team on the match committee recruited Michael Long. Yep. And so we came on. Great Essendon player. Great Essendon player. And champion of Indigenous rights. And so we came onto the radar there and the Paralympics was going to be covered by ABC2

and some of the executive producers said, hey, why don't you do the character that you're doing with Sam Pang and do some interstitials for the Paralympics? Then we ended up hosting the Paralympics and then ABC2 went, let's get this guy's own show. Wow, that's the longest answer to how did you get that. Yeah. I mean, I think that's fair.

And the root of how did you get that is you've got to do your own work and people will notice you. You can't wait around or just expect that they're going to see you or you've got to do your own work and eventually that will create a reputation for you. You can't just send a begging email to someone that's got their own show. No, you just can't. No, if you want to be made fun of about it on a podcast,

you can absolutely do that. He's certainly taken the edge off the veganism there. That's for sure. I think we're just going around the table Next up it's Carl And then it comes back to me And then the show's on Carl squeaky clean Chandler over there

Oh yeah when my girlfriend gets home I think it'll be my turn Don't worry Carl's girlfriend Unless she's not When your girlfriend gets home You think it'll be your turn So we're going to get Di involved

And she can just absolutely I'll volunteer I'll give up my mic And just go and have a nap for the remainder of the program. To be honest, if she got amplified, it would be all over for me, I think. If she started telling tales about me, it wouldn't be good. That's good to know. Yeah. That's good to know.

Because often I've thought, you know what would make a good angle on the podcast? Maybe in the live one, maybe we get her along and she can talk and people will be like, oh, that's the one that's always always been talked about i'm like in reality that it would not turn out well for me yeah i well i need to it's good to know that she's the keeper of so many secrets maybe i just need to even secrets i think she would just say day-to-day things and it would be not good what like embarrassing what are you worried about yeah what are you worried about what what what your worst domestic crime, do you reckon? Apart from being, I think you'd be pretty horrible at sex.

I don't think that's right. I actually don't think that's right. Too far, you think, Lawrence? Sorry. Is there cold power in the main room? Cold power in the main room? Yeah, this is like the lounge room, isn't it? The living area.

Where else is it going to be? I'd say the laundry normally. Do you think that this place is big enough for a laundry? Anyway, moving on, I just wonder if that was you to blame there. Lawrence, I want to know what you base that assumption of Carl's sex life on. Is that based on anything or is that just a... Yeah, it's always got stubble and it'd be quite scratchy. So I don't think there'd be a lot of intimacy or kissing it'd just be carl just humping like an

animal oh okay i do do that that's fine i thought i thought there was a i thought it was something else but i was gonna say mooney you're quite frequently stubbly so is that just based on your own personal experience it's just me projecting massively so it's just So it's just me treating people. I'm just projecting my sexual incompetence onto somebody else. That's where all abuse comes from.

It's me treating... You know, the old takes one to no one. It's me treating a person like I'm a dog with a cushion just grabbing it and just doing...

With a cushion. I'm not thinking of a person anymore. It's just a cushion. Weird muscular tension from behind. I've always wondered why there's a big painting of a person anymore. It's just a cushion. Weird muscular tension from behind. I've always wondered why there's a big painting of a dog humping a cushion above your bed, and now it sort of makes sense. That's why it's on TV at the moment, yeah.

So to set the mood, rather than watching some classy erotica, you go, Di, do you want to watch a dog humping a cushion? Let's go down the park. Do you want to watch Deep Cushion again? Dirty cum-gargling cushion. I'd pay anything for her to walk in the room right now while this is going on. This would be so good. I can hear people.

Because I did tell her that this was happening tonight. And it would be the last thing she would remember happening. So, yeah, it was a massive chance. School girl cushion. Hey, you know what? Something else I read about you recently

with a bit of PR about the new show and I didn't know this. Your job before you did comedy was... I was a customs officer for six years. Yeah.

That blew me away. Yeah. I don't see that in you and I've never heard you say anything like that. Have you got anything to declare? Did you pack these bags yourself? Are these all of your bags? Did you fill out this statement? Did you fill it out yourself?

Is this your signature? Do you understand that this is a legal document? All right, stand back from the bags, please. I said stand back. the legal document. All right, stand back from the bags, please.

I said, stand back! So, your work in that realm would have predated my favourite TV show, Border Security. Border Security. So,

would you reckon if things had gone differently or that had come a little earlier, you could be bloody hosting that bad boy? were you in the mix to host that with that experience?

Imagine that. No, nobody knows about it. I don't do anything about it because nothing really funny from that time evolved. It was all fun because in context, it was my first job out of school. So from 18 to 24, I was a customs officer. Now, my idea of 18 to 24 is regardless of what you're doing, it's just hilarious and fun because it's 18 to 24

so you have a great time yeah and those years are whether you're at uni or working as a mechanic or whatever so in a way it's just those formative early adult years and it's nothing i have no kind of story from it really lots of funny things happen I felt that way Like we'd find you know If we were doing unaccompanied baggage And you'd find some sex toys Of course you'd I don't know Hang on to those

You'd play with them and You know If there was a mate in You know you'd put it in someone's lunch Or stick it in the fridge or Whatever Yeah You'd

If there was weird costume items You'd dress up in them there was a lot of mucking around so no good stories like you didn't have a good customs position and then a lower customs officer emailed you asking you if you could maybe bump him up a ladder a little bit give him a leg up

put a sex toy in his sandwich it wasn't all sex toys and I was for two years of that six years I was a drug detector dog handler so I was a I was a sniffer dog handler

yeah right so I went to Canberra and got teamed with a dog and did the course up there so it was yeah it was a lot of fun you're one of the few people that you know

you're sort of glad to see in an airport because when the dog comes through the line it's like oh awesome I get to touch the dog now yeah it was fun aren't you not allowed to touch them though no you're not really allowed line it's like oh awesome I get to touch the dog now yeah it was fun

aren't you not allowed to touch them though no you're not really allowed to touch them yeah you're not meant to touch them yeah you're not meant to touch them

yeah Carl yeah you're not meant to touch them stand back please don't touch the dog get that cushion away from it you always want to touch the dogs aren't you

I do but we like you we just go no you can't touch the dog and then afterwards you're a dog enthusiast you go can I pat the dog and you go alright but I can't normally be seen

to letting members of the public. But if the smartass stands back and goes, oh, this is bullshit, and you go, all right, fuck it over there in the Czech shirt. And he goes and answers to everyone, they're addicted to drugs, you know. You go, yeah, well, you'll be meeting your family an hour after you thought you were going to meet them because I'm going to upturn your suitcase on the floor. And so we'd do that too.

We were vengeful. If people... A word of advice from a former law enforcement officer, never be a smartass to a law enforcement officer because they're vengeful and they can be. Yeah. They've got the power. So we would have fun with somebody. And, of course, they're vengeful and they can be yeah they've got the power so we would have fun with somebody and of course they're not addicted to drugs because the analogy i would

draw is would you uh feed explosives to a dog that looks for explosives no you wouldn't you just teach them the smell interesting analogy yeah but you know if you if you've got a person dog that searches for people, you wouldn't feed them a baby. No. Unless that was your thing and you're like... We learnt the hard way there, didn't we? Yeah, we did learn the hard way. Those are long bows for analogies, I have to say. I love them though.

They're not really. Why would you get a dog addicted to drugs? If you're going to make it look for heroin you don't make it a junkie because it's not going to look for heroin it's just going to be it'll want heroin it'll want heroin

it'll go around the airport finding someone who's got 50 bucks first of all it'll go around to comedy clubs asking people for cash who are we talking about my former drug dog what about cavity?

Any cavity search stuff? Do you have to get people nude and do a bit of... Well, cavity searches or x-rays always happen under medical supervision. So there's no fingering. And so most people go, first of all, did you find any drugs? Did you steal drugs? You know, every profession has its two questions. Like if you were at a party and you'd had a couple of wines, Tommy,

and you met a train driver, you would ask him... What's the longest trip you've ever been on? Have you ever run anyone over? Oh, okay. Probably. Cop, have you ever shot anyone? Yeah, yeah. Customs officer, have you ever found any drugs?

Have you ever fingered anyone? And so it's like, yeah, that's why I got into it. That's my question for most jobs, though, to be fair. It was just fingering and coke. Train driver. Have you ever fingered anyone? Prostitute. In the train.

Or at home. Just anywhere. I mean, as a social worker. Let me rephrase my question. When was the last time you fingered someone? And then now please tell me about it in graphic detail. The question holds up in any profession really. Well if you ask a proctologist

the answer is probably yes. I'm a gynecologist. Have you ever fingered anyone? We don't call it fingering. We call it digital examination. I call it fingering. Get me a beer. I want to talk about comedy clubs.

Here's an excuse to just look. I just yelled out, I call it fingering. Your neighbours are thinking, wow, Charles really crossed. There's been worse things than that yelled out in this apartment, so that's fine. Get your dick out of that cushion for once. Don't fucking turn that Lassie DVD off. Lassie DVD off Lassie Oh

Talk about Lassie comes home Is Lassie a reference For the young people of today? Do people even know What Lassie is now? Is there a new Hipper dog That I should be

Talking about? I'm reluctant I don't know where you want to go You just mentioned She changed it to Air Bud What about Milo and Otis? Oh yeah Classic

Classic Well one of them's Milo And one Milo and Otis? Yeah. Classic. Classic. Well, one of them's Milo and one of them's Otis. I don't know which one it is. Just the same. I think Milo's the dog. Oh, well, Quirk gave up dogs this week as well then. That's right.

Yeah. The irony. Where do you stand on pet ownership? Can I bring something up? Sure. Please. Weirdly, and this is probably deeply inappropriate, but given some of the things that come out of Lawrence's mouth,

it's probably sweet. I was watching today, because of the stuff I'm writing, and this is weirdly based on veganism, et cetera, Peter Singer, you know this gentleman? I do, yeah. Ethicist. Yeah. Someone told me to look up a thing where he's,

and it was on Q&A, him talking about being pro, essentially, bestiality, and why it might be okay and as long as there's not consent, obviously. Well, there would be consent, but not dissent. Well, as long as, yeah, as long as there's no... It's such an interestingly bizarre thing and he's got a lot of balls talking about that. Not funny.

Not funny. No, but I reckon, I reckon, to be realistic, I think there's a lot of lonely people out there with animals and there's probably more bestiality going on than you would ever care to think about. That's right. I think there's a lot of people being, you know, orally satisfied by their dog.

They're smothering their genitals in something that's good for the dog. In Milo and Otis. Something that's good for the dog. Something that's good for the dog. At least the dog gets something out of it, is what you're saying. The dog's enjoying... It's a victimless crime. I didn't mean to take the podcast in this direction.

Yeah, but not as viewed by our society. We would say that you're sexually exploiting the dog, you're a pervert and you're probably going to be fined or go to jail. you're sexually exploiting the dog, you're a pervert and you're probably going to be fined or go to jail. But I think that Singer is probably looking at the evolution of our mores or mores as a society and putting us in a position where 100 years ago homosexuality was probably looked on as gravely as bestiality is now.

It's a bold idea that he's having. Half an hour ago, veganism was looked on as gravely as bestiality is now. It's a bold idea that he's having. Half an hour ago, veganism was looked on very poorly. Now we're clearly fine with it, aren't we? It interests me that you are so in love with animals that not only do you refuse to kill them and eat them, but you raise the topic of having sex with them and pleasuring them by way of just kind of insinuating it into this podcast. Making us accomplices.

Yeah, if you... We love you, Dave. And if you want to share something... And you asked me about pets, that's why. If you want to bone a Doberman, man, that is fucking... I don't want to bone a Doberman. That is, or a sheep or whatever. I have... No, no.

Hey, look, I will stand by you and I'll say, let's test this man's devotion. Does he love animals? We recommend we find one of Singer's pets and we have sex with them, with one of his pets. No, see, he doesn't own pets. I'm not saying we do that. I'm just saying if that's your bag, man.

It's not at all. I'm doing a peace sign. He is doing a peace sign. I don't know why. Like the great hippies of the 60s when they used to root sausage dogs. Peace, man. Very specific, those hippies. Sausage dog.

Not just any dog will cut it. Obviously a few people at this table have thought about this as much as I have. But I think that sexuality is a shifting sand and we shouldn't limit ourselves. I was really disturbed. I had a dream once that I was kissing a woman and then it turned into a cat and I didn't stop. And it stuck with me.

I reckon that dream was probably 15 years ago and I've always wondered why I didn't stop kissing. Turned into a cat. Of all the dreams that you've remembered. I like two things. So, Carl, lie down on the couch and make yourself comfortable. Is there a dream that sticks out for you? Well, 15 years ago.

I like two things. One, the fact that about eight minutes ago you said comedy clubs and then I burst in with, what about bestiality? But ignoring that, I had a dream once where I was, it was a sexual dream, and I was, for right or wrong,

can I use the term ejaculating? I'm guessing wrong. Ejaculating. I'm doing that with my head. On to my friend Caroline's back, who is just a friend. She's a female friend. And then as I,

as just a friend, it was nothing serious. I was just ejaculating onto her back. Was she clothed or naked? She was naked. Yeah. She was naked. And as I started doing that, she turned, sadly, didn't turn into a cat.

She turned worse than a cat into my best friend, Steve. And that's a challenge for a man. So then her back suddenly looked like Steve's back? Yeah, hairy. He's a hairy man. It just changed. You're like classic Steve's back. Last night I had a dream about Nick Cave. Just for a man. So then her back suddenly looked like Steve's back? Yeah, hairy. He's a hairy man. It just changed. You're like classic Steve's back. Last night I had a dream about Nick Cave.

Just having a chance. So when you say turn, was it like a gradual morph into or was it like you looked away for a second then you look back and suddenly... Was it like Michael Jackson's black or white video? Yeah, it was just constantly morphing. I also want to know about your cat make-out dream. Yes.

So was it like just a big cat's head but still a lady's body or were you just like holding a little cat? Tiny little cat's face with the whiskers and the rough tongue and the fish breath and the weird catness. And that's a huge cat ass. Some huge meow-meows. I don't know. Like it wasn't that detailed.

It was more like, you know, you're going for the kiss and you pull out and go, oh, that's a cat. That's a cat face. Yeah, it wasn't that detailed. It was more like, you know, you go in for the kiss and you pull out and go, oh, that's a cat. That's a cat face. Yeah, that's a cat's head. And then, like, not a strange, you know, just that thing. You know when you're in dreams and you go, hey, there's my uncle over there, except my uncle's Burt Reynolds.

And in your dream you're like, of course, that's who that is. Well, that was me. I was like, there's a girl I'm kissing and now it's a cat. Time to go back in again because that's what I do. Time to back in i kiss cats yeah yeah you know how you kiss cats my recurring dream is i've killed someone and this is a recurring dream i've disposed of the body but the cops are on the case again it's like a cold case and i know they're coming for me it's just this subconscious thing and they're testing my alibi and the whole thing's falling apart and it's like fuck i can't even remember where i killed them or where i've dumped the body but i know the cops are coming and i just wake up and it's like oh fuck and then the worst thing about it your pillow being a being missing because you've ate a giant marshmallow your wife's dead yeah but the worst thing about it. Instead of your pillow being missing because you ate a giant marshmallow,

your wife's dead. Yeah. But the worst thing about it, those waking moments, is not thank God that was just a dream. It's like, have I killed someone? Yes. And disposed of their body and can't remember. And that's recurring loss.

That's a recurrence. I don't envy that. It's a stressful dream. My, you know, amateur dream analysis breaks it down to, I think it's a perfectionist's dream. Like, you haven't done whatever you were meant to do perfectly. And so, you haven't actually… Dispose of the body.

You haven't gotten away with the crime. You know Dexter, that's for sure. But sadly, though, let's say that's true, that doesn't occur in your brain when you're having that dream. Oh, this is just about perfection. You're going, fuck, I'm going to get caught. There's no comfort there. Quite often the body is beneath a house

and something's rising up through the floor. What a cliche. Under your house? Come on, man. Do you want to get caught? Jesus. I like that you've gone glass half full. Instead of going, I'm dreaming about this, I'm a sick asshole that's got serious problems.

Hey, I'm just a perfectionist. I'm just dreaming about killing people over and over. Some people deserve to die. So, comedy clubs So comedy clubs. Comedy clubs. Yeah. That is actually not an out there segue. You're wanting to kill people, people deserving to die.

Bam! It's a comedy dream. I have killed so many people. There you go. That's what I do. I kill for a living. And those police are Tommy saying, how did you do that? Can I get in on that?

I kill people with you. Because if I solve this case, I'm going to get a promotion and things are going to look up for me as well. This feels like a dream to me. This feels like some sort of David Lynch-ing dream. It's got lighting. It is a dream. It's got lighting like a David Lynch.

Carl's kissing a cat. Yeah. And you're boning a Doberman. You're asking permission. You're asking. Carl's kissing a cat. Yeah. You're moaning a Doberman. You're asking permission. You're asking the internet for permission. It's okay. Whatever you want to do is okay with us. We love you.

Just a fit old Doberman. Well, what I was going to bring up... A male or a female Doberman. I'm not judging. Not that there's anything wrong. I recall just quickly, before we talk about comedy clubs, because this...

God knows where the hell that's going to go. We're really quickly getting to it. I recall a time when I was a kid riding around on my mountain bike. I recall just quickly, before we talk about comedy clubs, because this, God knows where the hell that's going to go. We're really quickly getting to it. I recall a time when I was a kid riding around on my mountain bike. I was about grade six. I would have been 12 or so. What suburb?

It was a country town, Pawpunka. I've been in northeast Victoria and I just remember this kid. Who's Pawpunka's local rivals? Rich Punkka. That's good. That's good.

Keep that going. No. Paw... That's good. That's good. Keep that going. Poor. Poor. That's the opposite of punk. Poor goth. Disco. Poor goth, yeah. It is a funny word.

That's our town name. To be fair, it is a funny word, and I can see why you got so caught up on it, you guys, actually. It is a funny word. Every podcast has a flat spot. That was this one's. But I just remember this kid rocked up on his Pee Wee 50 on a motorbike.

His name was Mitchell. I won't say his surname. And he... Mitchell from Paul Punker on his motorbike. Won't say his surname. I like to keep him anonymous. Don't have to. There was only about 60 people in that town.

No, I just realised it's bringing back to bestiality. There's no time. There's no 60 people too. I'm sorry, Mitchell, if you're listening. You might as well have put a fingerprint on the podcast. We will be posting Mitchell's photo on his Pee Wee 50. I won't say what he did, actually. No, go.

Anyway, he rocks up. No, but you're on your bike. He's on his motorbike. He's killed someone. He rocks up. Full face helmet on. Full He's on his motorbike. On my hand, he's like... He's killed someone. He's rocks up. Full face helmet on. Full face. Yeah, and he's just sitting there,

and on his petrol tank is his little Jack Russell. Yeah. It's a male. And he's just, while he's chatting to us, he's just gently sort of massaging the dog's cock. I don't know why I've brought it back to bestiality again. But he kept a straight face and looked us in the eye while he just sort of was going.

And was the dog happy with what was going on? It's hard to say, isn't it? Ask Peter Singer. Well, no. It's not hard to say at all. It's not hard to say. If the dog wasn't enjoying it, he'd get off the petrol tank and go away. It's hard to say.

Or turn around and buy. Was there discussion about this from you guys? Like, did you question? Now? Oh, yeah, 2013. I'm just asking. Or did you sort of sit there? Is this another repressed memory?

Is this just come out now? The guy wanked his dog. It's cool. I want to go back to the term massage. Yeah, okay. Fondled. Yeah, it was a fondling.

Hang on. He was doing this while he was on his motorbike? Sitting there. But he rode around. You know how hard it is to change gear,

actually, to his credit. It's hard to ride around. He wasn't just fondling the dog the whole time and riding around. It's dangerous. Was he? Yeah, it's a trick. It's a to ride around. Yeah. He wasn't just fondling the dog the whole time and riding around. It's dangerous. Was he? Yeah, it's a trick.

It's a trick he does. I don't know. Again, I don't know why I'm bringing these things up. I'm just saying, yeah, pets. Let me ask you, as your psychologist, how did you feel when you saw that happening? Well, I felt deeply normal. Did you identify yourself

with your friend or the dog did you did you fear for the dog's safety or did you think that dog must be enjoying that I'd like that

I'd like Mitchell to fondle my penis I didn't Lawrence no I didn't think that it's a metaphor for life though isn't it at the end of the day

we're all just a dog on the handlebars hoping for someone to fondle us in front of his friends a dog on a petrol tank sitting a dog on the handlebars hoping for someone to fondle us in front of his friends. Dog on a petrol tank. Sitting on a petrol tank just waiting for somebody

just to fondle us. Yeah, in front of people. And then take us home and put a bowl of food in front of us. Yeah, sounds really nice. And that is the cycle of life. Yeah.

So comedy clubs. I'm glad you raised that. Comedy clubs. Comedy clubs. I run a few comedy nights, weekly comedy nights and stuff like that so you get a lot of people hitting you up

like you know like you've experienced lately Lawrence with your TV show I get a lot of people hitting me up emails and stuff like that I've only got one person

hitting me up but let's name your comedy nights that you run you run Spleen co-run comedy nights co-run Spleen on a Monday night Felix Barr

Felix Barr on a Wednesday night in St Kilda and Soft Belly that's co-run spleen on a wednesday night and soft belly but it's now five boroughs comedy on a thursday five boroughs on a thursday yeah and you still do soto voce no no no they sold up so that doesn't happen anymore and also the kitty kiss kisses club on friday nights yeah the kitty what the kitty kisses club yeah that's when i got these cats yeah yeah it's a little underground club that he runs on Friday nights. Yeah, yeah. You can do everything. You can touch, you know, there's no bounces.

You can just, oh, yeah. Well, that's the thing. So you get hit up constantly by people wanting gigs and they've got a bit of a right to perform at your rooms and stuff like that. And, you know, I'm just a comedian wanting a good gig so I can perform at my own room and stuff like that. And it just happens that the rooms have ended up being good and plenty of people in there and a lot of people listen to the show, hit me up when they come to Melbourne and want

to come and see shows and I should probably give more details out on the show where they are and stuff like that. But anyway. So many comedians in Melbourne credit you with the development over the last five years of Melbourne comedy for the people being able to try out material for their comedy festival shows and also go to rooms throughout the year. And you've spoken of quite fondly behind your back. No one ever says it to your face because you're a disagreeable character.

Yeah, yeah. Fair enough. I take all of that. That's nice. But, yeah, I think you've done a tremendous job in advancing Melbourne Comedy. So well done. No, no, I agree. It's more of a thing where everyone else was so hopeless at it

that it stands out as being a decent job because everyone was hopeless. This sounds like there's a big but coming on. A big but? Are you announcing your retirement after all that? No. You just wanted a few nice things said about you to send yourself off. Thank you and good night. I just wanted something good so that when I told you my next dream

about when I raped a dog, it wouldn't sound as bad. Oh, can we just cut that out? Interesting choice. Yeah. Anyway, hey, I got an email this week

which I really enjoyed someone wanting a gig. Usually they're just people going, oh, you know, I want a gig, I'm really good.

Here's a clip that you're never ever going to watch. Here's my phone number as if I'm going to ring someone up. It's weird that they say that. Yeah. Here's a clip that you're never going to watch.. Here's my phone number as if I'm going to ring someone up. It's weird that they say that. Here's a clip that you're never going to watch.

They're not talking themselves up, is it? No, not at all. Last time I sent you an email. I got an email from someone whose English is clearly not their first language. Racist. It's a cheap thing to go listen to what they've written, but it is funny. Here it comes. What they've done, first of all,

which I enjoyed... I can't believe you're going to read out an email with broken English. And we're just going to laugh and mock? If the person that wrote this is listening, Lawrence and I had no knowledge of this. I also want to be included in that pool of people who

didn't know that this was going to happen. I want to distance myself. That's not the focus of it. I just like a lot of the in that pool of people who didn't know that this was going to happen. I want to distance myself. That's not the focus of it. I just like a lot of the things that have been done in here. Lawrence brought the letter in. Carl, why are you picking up chopsticks and putting on a rice patty hat in preparation for reading this email? I haven't even said the race of the person. I haven't said anything.

What are you doing to your eyes at the moment? None of that's true. Now you're putting boot polish on as well? What is this doing to your eyes at the moment? None of that's true. Now you're putting boot polish on as well? What is this? Hold on. Even suggesting blacking up is going to have us in the Delta Goodrum camp of retweeting a photo of Seal. It was said by Tommy Dasolo, everyone.

I'm just going to... No, but what he's done... What? What he's done is... I liked the starters. He sent a request for a gig to the Comedy Explained stuff, but he sent it to Comedy Explained and then asked for a gig at a different venue.

So I've enjoyed that. They've given the personal information that, you know, his sex, his hair colour, his eye colour, all these things, like he's going for a job interview. Like a CV kind of resume. Yeah, like a CV. He's included a copy of his first aid certificate. So if that comes in handy.

First aid certificate or first AIDS certificate. Do they give them out? It's the last one you've got to watch out for. Can you catch age from a new material night? Congrats. Actually, we shouldn't be laughing at people with AIDS. We shouldn't be laughing at people with

first aid certificates because they're here to help us. Absolutely. They're here to help people with AIDS. And you should learn CPR. My father died of a heart attack. He could have been saved, but people just watched in amazement. Really? Yeah, he died in a service station. Really?

Yeah. And that's it? There's no punchline. Now, that would have been great if Diane had walked in just then on that really tense moment. You're probably hearing that story, you're probably reconsidering putting this guy on, I imagine, in case something goes down at a night.

Well, in his skill summary, he does have good understanding skills in English language. And most of his jokes about life and care with truth and honesty. Sounds pretty nice. I'd like to see this guy. Make me laugh. That's not okay. He has an ability to make the audience laugh. That's good. Sounds pretty nice. I'd like to see this guy. Make me laugh. That's not okay. He has an ability to make the audience laugh.

That's good. That's important. Has he got references? Yeah, he's got... He's also... He drives the audience as like a rollercoaster journey with his funny jokes stories. There's no comma in there.

That's just... So like rollercoaster, like ups and downs. Oh, yeah, there's downs. Screaming. Thrills and spills. I don't want a rollercoaster. That downs. Oh yeah, there's downs. Screaming. Thrills and spills. That tunnel-y bit where it's dark and everyone's just screaming and you just reach down and touch the passenger beside you. That's exactly the style of performance that I like.

Is there a rollercoaster that just goes up? Because I don't like the idea that it goes down. You could go on the giant drop and then it breaks and you get stuck up there and they have to get the fiber guy to come and let you down. I want a broken amusement park ride. Okay, so new comics listening, if you're after a gig, tell Carl that that's what your comedy is like.

Yeah. The giant drop but it's broken. What about that one where they go... A faulty ride. Yeah, that's because there's a giant drop in the Tower of Terror. Is that the Tower of Terror? There's one that you sit in and it lifts you up. That's the giant drop.

But then there's one that's a rollercoaster that goes up. That's Dreamworld, isn't it? Yeah. I've been on the giant drop and man that was just horrific yeah yeah i've done it i've done it and it's my daughter was seven and i was concerned about her but she was going through a mental process you know preparing herself i said how are you going little and she said don't talk to me don't talk to me i was like all right she's got a way of coping with this but my way of coping was talking to her and reassuring her and now i don't have a coping mechanism are you a rides person because i've never been a rides person i i'm not not whizzy round and round and round but i don't mind you know a roller coaster or a giant drop. I went on one of those rides in China, and it was deeply,

I think it must have just been pure adrenaline just pumping through. I reckon it was as close as I'll come to the feeling of dying. I don't enjoy it at all. I love them. I love all of them. I don't. I'm right. I'm ridiculous.

Yeah, I've never been into it, and it's a cliche thing, but you just look at the people who run them and go, no. Yeah. That's why I liked America so much when I went to Disney World. That is rides on another level. Like I love a bit of you go into a room and there's a little bit of story before you go on the roller coaster. Like the Aerosmith ride. It's like you go into this room and it's like you're watching them in the recording studio.

Is there an Aerosmith ride? There's an Aerosmith ride, yeah. And then they're like, oh, no, we've got to go to this award show. And then out to this room of people, they're like, come on, guys, hop in the limo and you can come with us. So then you go out this door and it's like your roller coaster that you're in is a limousine that's like driving through L.A. to get to see them at the gig. And it is going fucking crazy. There's like loop-a-loops for some reason in the streets of LA. Is the ride really good at the start?

You're just having Aerosmith music pumped at you. Is it really good at the start and then it just gets a bit creakier and more embarrassing the longer it goes on? Yeah, the car that you're in falls apart right at the end. Start stressing as a woman. I love a bit of story. Like the more story that you get in a roller coaster, for me, the better because it has to be one of the more story that you get in a roller coaster for me the better

because it is it has to be one of the most unnecessary things oh for sure to put in it's so because I went to

Universal Studios in LA and did all the rides yeah and if you and I just was thinking that I was like

take everything away from the setup of the story and just you get into it and it's you in a in a container

just being rattled around. Someone just grabbed your container and is shaking it for four minutes. But I love it. I love the idea that someone's stressed over the perfect way to start up the Aerosmith ride. Someone had to write dialogue. Someone had to write the script of them in the recording studio

that probably got rejected a few times. They had to go through a few drafts. I love it. It's great. Because it's not like that at the Royal Melbourne show, is it? Because the storyline at the Royal Melbourne show is this rickety ride has been carted around the countryside by a mindless bogan covered in grease who's chain smoking and doesn't care about you or your daughter's safety.

And it's lightly drizzling and then off you go. What is the back story for the mad mouse? Where does the mad mouse come from? What made him so mad? I would like to think that maybe they could work in something where he's been tested on in a laboratory somewhere. So like L'Oreal have tested some skin creams on him and it's given him, like, powers and it's, like, really warped his mind.

Because what is it? There's a lot of, like, going up and, like, looping around. A lot of harsh corners. A lot of harsh corners, yeah. Harsh corners, yeah. So heading into the corner and then quickly diverting. So he should be, like, he's in a maze at L'Oreal. It's an escape.

He's in the air vents trying to get out. So they've squirted some cream in his eyes to see whether it's going to irritate. And every sharp turn is like a bit of rat sack it's trying to avoid. Yeah, yeah. Do you refuse to go on the Mad Mouse given your ethical disagreements with it? I do, yeah.

Would you prefer they called it something else? Mad Tofu? Is that a thing? Would you go on the Mad Tofu? The idea of mice being exploited in that way? I'm dead against that. Mad mushroom? What do you eat as a vegan then? What if it was a happier outcome?

So not the mad mouse, but the protected rodent. What about the wild rice? Would you go on that ride? Oh, yeah. The wild rice. Yeah, like those ads on at the moment for that bakery and it's like the loaves of bread, the giant loaves of bread running through the field.

Or the crazy broccolini or something like that. Yeah, I'd go on that. Even if it is crazy, I'd still go on it. I have to say, have you seen that ad? Yeah, the bread. I love that ad. It's one of those ads that depresses me that I don't live in that world. Like, it makes me sad that that's not a real thing.

But if bread turns on you... They just look cute. They just look really cute. Yeah, but it all gets wrong. But, okay... They should do the sequel where it's them being led off to the slaughterhouse. Yeah, if bread's living, then it's suggested that bread has sex with other bread. I think I had a dream about that.

You've got a bread cock and a bread vagina, and then bread gets bored and starts drinking, and there's this really pissed loaf coming out of some rye. It's not racial. And it's a light rye. Thinking of a croissant humping a cushion. And there's some more raisin toast on the corner, just like, yeah, what are you looking at?

I just want to mention other ads and see what backstory built into them. I'll tell you what, if you start with some kind of Arcadian dream and pastoral, you know, utopia, it always ends up there's a ghetto and shit's going down what about the roof seal what's your backstory for him well the roof seal he's happy in his overalls and you know he's got a ball on his nose but he's a peeping tom he's fixing the guttering yeah he's looking through the windows then he goes home and there's a lot of seals. Well, he lives with Seal.

Yeah. From The Voice. He's got a lot of good stories. Are they like roommates or is it a relationship? No, they've got this house and it's like the chairs are really shit house. Every time there's a good song on it, they turn around. It's like, I can't cope with this. I'm going back to dream world.

That's what Seal the Singer sang? He's a celebrity big brother. He's on the next season of that. They must be planning that, mustn't they? A voice big brother crossover? Really? Is that you, like, with your own show? That's a good idea.

They must be. Someone must have said that in Channel 9. Yeah, why not? All singers go into a house together and you've got to sing to stay in. Even though you've been... All day. Or you're trapped in there and the only way you can get out, you've got to hit some high note that's going to break the glass and let you out.

That's a challenge one week. A Friday night karaoke night where they get them all charged up on a bit of goon. Bang, karaoke machine. Now that you're hosting your own show you've been at a certain level for a long time in your career

fame wise. You technically qualify surely now that you host your own show for a celebrity like a celebrity splash a celebrity dog school is that how it works well celebrity one of the people on celebrity apprentice is layla who was just in the big brother house last year oh really and to the best of my knowledge has done nothing since right some of them have done radio and stuff but you know but if you look at you know celebrity master chef and celebrity splash and celebrity i don't know whatever

apprentice do you do you see me on one of those shows i i don't quite fit the celebrity criteria i have sure a certain amount of notoriety or fame but i'm not quite into the celebrity world right what do you have to do to get into that world now? I reckon you probably... Another show? One more show? Definitely commercial network. ABC2 doesn't quite reach the celebrity world. ABC1, to a certain extent,

but there's obviously a class that keeps those people out of the celebrity world. Yeah, right. A dignity, you might call it. And then there of the celebrity world. Yeah, right. A dignity, you might call it. And then there's the celebrity world. And it's a very commercialised kind of a thing. Yeah. You know, you kind of...

Yeah, it's a more commercial world. From the world of commercial radio and commercial TV. Maybe if they had an ABC2 celebrity. It's going to be on that. Dress down, everyone. Did we get to the end of the correspondence from the gentleman wanting a gig? I didn't like the way it was going. I didn't like the way it was going.

Yeah. I liked the way it was going for that reason. Yeah. No, well, I'll say... Getting some dirt on you and we didn't even have to hit up Diane for it. So are you going to read the thing out? I... There was one thing I enjoyed.

Just the whole way of... We'll nearly finish here because this will be the best bit. What I do like is he sent it a couple of times to me at different for the different rooms right and he sent me uh like an application to perform do you think it's gonna do his self-esteem a lot of good listening to his application being mocked i don't think i've said he's not on a podcast i from personal experience i can say it really sucks. That's a good point. Carl's there.

He hasn't said his name. I'm sure if he's listening, he'll have forgotten about what he's written here. He'll be like, that sounds familiar to me, what I'm listening to on the Little Dumb Dumb Club. I'd be excited if he was listening to this. Do you reckon he'd be more or less hurt than the open mic are you just vilified earlier in the show now when he did this guy

he also put he's got his CV and what he's done in the past and he's put in here oh I headlined Felix Barr comedy well

no you haven't and you're sending it to Felix Barr comedy where I reckon I'd I reckon he's lied about his experience

everyone's done that but you don't lie about it to the person that holds the experience he wasn't accustomed I reckon I'd remember that. Oh. He's lied about his experience. Everyone's done that. Yeah. But you don't lie about it to the person that holds the experience. He wasn't a customs officer for six years, was he, that guy? I'm predicting bright things for this young man. He's on to something. Yeah. He's on to something.

To be honest, after reading this EV and the way that it's written, I'm like, I am very keen to see this guy perform. Just come to the night and read your CV. Oh, yeah. Just go to Felix Bar next time he's headlining. I spoke to someone else because it says he's headlined this other club, and I spoke to the person who runs that club and said, has he headlined your gig?

And he said, no. What he's saying is his headline of that gig was, they gave out free DVDs at the end, and he got up on stage to accept a free DVD. That's a kind of... And then that was the end of the night and walked out, and he said, I stage to accept a free DVD. That's a kind of. And then that was the end of the night and walked out and he said, I headlined that gig. Great. Yeah.

I love it. That's interesting. I really love it. He owns a Cole Elliott DVD now and because of that, he headlined a gig. Great. I love it. If he walked in right now, he could headline this podcast right now. So it's a man.

Let's say. Maybe. We can narrow it down. We'll narrow it down. Is it Adam Rosenbach? No, it's not. It's not. It's not someone I've ever heard of.

Is it Steel Saunders? No. No. That's funny. If those guys were sending me their CVs, that would be quite good. Yeah, that would be quite good yeah that would be great maybe anytime

he gets any kinds of gifts he's just wherever he's growing up whatever culture he's growing up it's called

headlining like at Christmas time you're headlining and he's like I headlined this thing

when I got the DVD maybe it's just lost in translation I headlined my 21st birthday

I headlined in the toilet just before headlined mainlined alright guys that brings us to the end 21st birthday. Headlined in the toilet just before. Headlined, mainlined. All right, guys. That brings us to the end of the little... For another week. David Quirk, you got things coming up?

No, that was good banter. Should we start? Sure. Do you want to start on your eating preferences? How about we start there? Keep going. No, thank you for having me. What are you going to have for dinner tonight?

I ate a meal in the city there. Is there anything in this room you'd like to eat? The Hare Krishnas? I did eat Hare Krishnas. Cross Keys for three bucks. Cross Ways. I did three bucks. I do do that a lot.

Oh, man. I want to point out, I hate me being vegan. I'm sick of it. I don't even want to do it. It's all politics. It's political. You're sick of being vegan? You've been vegan for a week, haven't you?

I'm going to be like, don't get chocolate. I love chocolate. That'd do me. You're just on a sugar ban. You're not a vegan. It's political. You're sick of being vegan. You've been vegan for a week, haven't you? I'd be like, don't get chocolate. I love chocolate. That'd do me. You're just on a sugar ban. You're not a vegan. You're just... No, no. That was the last thing that makes me vegan.

Can you call yourself something after a week? I think so. I did it that afternoon. I went vegan just like that. I was like, okay, I'm vegan now. I will not buy chocolate from here on out. Right. I'm vegan right now.

And now I'm back. You are? Yeah, I'm back now. There you go. Yeah, that's true. That's how easy it is. I've been vegan since... It's been an hour now. Animal now I'm back. You are. Yeah, I'm back now. Yeah, that's true. That's how easy it is. I've been vegan since an hour now.

Animal product I ate. It's like... You've been vegan for a few hours now? Yeah. Since about one o'clock? I've been vegan since that beef-o

that I ate on Chapel Street. I think it's pronounced... Sorry, edit that out. Edit that out, Lawson. Dirty Laundry Live on ABC2 Thursday nights at 9.30pm. Yes, edit that out. Edit that out, Lawson. Dirty Laundry live on ABC2 Thursday nights at

9.30pm. Yes, Tommy. And, you know, we'll rock it for 16 episodes and then second season. As long as you make us the golden three episodes of the live-action. Second season, mate. We'll be giving you a call. Don't worry. You've been mocked and I owe you.

I've headlined Spicks and Specks. I've headlined Good News Week. I've headlined Crime Stoppers. I've done them all, mate. Once you get to Celebrity Dirty Laundry, definitely, we can go on that. Celebrity Dirty Laundry. It's kind of about Celebrity Dirty Laundry. What have we got coming up? We got anything

specific to plug? T-shirts? We are running out of them. I'm really trying hard to get our website looking proper. So I think in the next week or so, that'll be up and running very well and you'll be able to get all the old episodes and they've got pictures involved and everything. Is your website pink writing on a blue background?

Because that's old school. One step away, yeah, pretty much. A little gif of a plane flying. That's whatever Geocities said we could have in the budget. I don't think we could afford pink, so I think we've got something else. I think it's geocities.com slash Silicon Boulevard. And it's just all photos. Yeah.

It's just an epileptic's nightmare. There's some sweet MIDI music playing in the background. You're going to love that. Yeah, we've got green sleeves. And congratulations, you're the millionth. Yeah. One of those flashing signs. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Websites don't have that anymore. A counter of how many people have been on there. You don't really see that anymore. No one's proud. But I did find your website. I went to ask Jeeves and bang, straight through there. He knows. Jeeves, friend of the show.

Friend of the show, Jeeves. Guys, thanks very much for joining us. Thank you for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mates.