The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 14 - Tom Gleeson

Episode Date: January 24, 2011

Arts Supply Stores, Metrosexuals and Karl's Stolen Phone. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey mates, welcome once again to another episode of the Little Dumb Dumb Club. My name is Tommy Dasolo, sitting opposite me is Carl Chandler. G'day dickhead. How you doing? Good. It's good weather out there. It's steamy, it's nice. It is nice and steamy.

We are very psyched up today to have a very special guest in here. He's a favourite of ours, He's a favourite of many people. You may know him from Good News Week, 7pm Project or his stand-up shows at the Comedy Festival every year. He's a friend of the show, most importantly. And he's a friend of the show, most importantly. Please welcome Tom Gleeson. Yay! Thank you very much. Yay!

Thank you for having me on this podcast. You've made it. Is it a podcast? It's a podcast, yeah. Cool. This isn't going out live, so there There's no pressure There's a bit of pressure We can cut bits out We'll edit that out

We'll edit that out That seems to be the I'm going to hum through the whole show So you can't cut anything That seems to be the general rule Is anytime someone says We'll cut that out It always ends up in

Yeah, it's in Thanks for coming along Yeah, no problem It's good to see you Taking a break out from your busy schedule Yeah, well it's just It's the part of the year Where I'm getting ready for the festivals Yes We've got the Adelaide Fringe Festival, Brisbane Comedy

Festival, Melbourne Comedy Festival, then Sydney all in a row. Got to do all of them. So you're in training? Well, I'm in training, but I'm also trying to enjoy being at home. Okay. So I'm at home. I live out in the country, out in Romsey. It's about an hour out of Melbourne. We're not at your home right now. We should point that out. No, we are in a studio. And so I'm kind of getting a lot of things done. I'm trimming my hedge. It's not a euphemism. It sounds like a euphemism, but it's not.

I'm actually doing things like that, doing a bit of yard work. I was actually walking around in my creek yesterday. Oh, wow. I've got a creek that goes through the back of my property. It got flooded. Yeah. So I've had about four floods so far. Because you got flooded about in the middle of last year or so? You put a thing up on Facebook about it?

Yeah, well, the back paddock got flooded because we've got this creek running through the back there. And then what happened was, which kind of freaked me out, was all the water receded and it sort of went away again. And I was walking around the back paddock and I found some fish just lying in the grass. Which is just weird, you know, because it's like I was mowing. Did you cook? I was mowing when I saw one.

I was mowing. That's like a Dali painting. A guy with a lawnmower going over the top of a paddock. And it wasn't a goldfish. It wasn't like some little tiny fish or, you know, it was actually, it was about 30 centimetres long. It was a silver perch I found out later. Wow. Can you cook the fish that you find lying in the...

Yeah, you can. A yard fish? Absolutely. No, they are eating fish. You can cook them, but that one would kill you because it was rancid by the time I found it a week later. It had been in the sun. Right, right.

So I could have filleted it and just cooked it anyway, but it would have been pre-cooked. Times aren't getting that hard at Romsey quite yet. You just went down the shops instead. Yeah, but it's such a small town that everyone knows, like, that it's happened. Everyone knew the fish. No, it was a bit like that. They're like, you know, people are like, oh, I heard there's a couple of fish in your yard.

Everyone loves talking about it. You've got a couple of fish in your yard. And then someone else is like, oh, you know where that came from? I'm like, no. They're like, oh, that's Doug Nuland's place. Oh, that's Doug's fish. Yeah, it's one of Doug's. It came from his dam.

Doug's fish. Oh, fish rustle. Gleason. Yeah. So what's happened, though, is the creek runs through my property. Obviously, it comes in one end, goes out the other. But there's a fence and all the leaf litter and few car tires and all kinds of weird rubbish washed up against there in the floods and and all the leaf litter and few car tires and all kinds of weird

rubbish washed up against there in the floods and uh formed a bit of a dam right so there's kind of this place where all the water gathers and all the fish hang out there so the kids the local kids i've gotten to know andrew apparently he mows my lawn he told me sometimes he mows well there's not fish on it yeah and uh and uh there was another guy too. Oh, no, sorry. What if you've got bones in your Victor? I don't know, just churned it up. No, sorry, it was Dean. Dean was the one who said, I mowed your lawn the other day for another guy called Rick.

And Andrew was there. He came up to look at the fish. And Andrew, he said, you know me, my mum's Leah, the taxi driver. There's only one. That's true. And they go fishing there They actually pull the fish out of the creek So I found these kids playing in my yard

Like a local pedo I was going to say Attempting to be mean with your fish That's a classic pedo trick There you are Just trimming your hedge And then the kids are all Yeah, you've got to close the curtain

Before you trim your hedge Are you that guy That all you kids get out of my yard, or are you the town prank? No, I say go nuts. I wanted to walk around in the paddocks, so I said good luck to you, walk around and see if you can find any other fish. Because what happened was the reason why I was waiting around in the creek the other day was because I was clearing all the rubbish out of the fence

because I got it out. And anyway, that's how I found out all this, the day was uh because i was clearing all the rubbish out of the fence because it was all you know i got it out and anyway that's how i found out all this because the kids came up to me and said you've ruined our fish trap and i slowly gleaned some information from them and i said oh right why is this where you've been catching fish and like yeah because the fish get trapped here and i was like oh right okay so um did you put any of this stuff here and they're like yeah because we had to stop the fish i was, man, I'd take me hours to clean this shit up. Man, it's going off in Romsey. But you're liking it down there?

Yeah, I love it. It's great living out there. Yeah, it's fantastic. It's very relaxing. The days are a lot longer. Yep. If you come out to my place for a weekend, it's like you're going for like a fortnight. Right.

So how many people in Romsey? It's a population of about 5,000. Oh, that's reasonably big. It's sizable, yeah. Yeah. I come from a town originally 8,000, so I thought that was big enough. But this is kind of weird. You'd get this.

It's 5,000, right? Where did you come from again? Miraburra. That's right. And how many pubs does it have? Oh, heaps. Yeah, yeah. Because it's like an old gold town sort of thing.

Yeah. Well, Romsey was an old coach stop on the way to Bendigo, apparently. Right. During the gold rush. But it's got one pub. Really? Yeah, because what happened is apparently the town has doubled or something in population in the last 10 years because everyone realised it's only an hour out of town.

Yeah. Right. So it's kind of suddenly got big. So the main street looks really pretty. That's where I live. I live in inner city Romsey. Mm. And where all the old...

You're not one of those hicks from the suburbs of Romsey? No, not from the outer suburbs. We're not West Romsey. But the outside suburbs look like Canberra. They're full of cul-de-sacs and they're all a bit brand new. They've got a whiff of the dolphins about. Yeah, yeah, right. So what have you got in your town?

So you've got 5,000, so that would mean, do you have traffic lights? No traffic lights. No traffic lights? No KFC? No KFC. No, definitely no No KFC? No KFC. No, definitely no McDonald's. There's no chains. The only chain there is an IGA.

IGA, right. And it's a low-grade IGA. Right. Apparently they've got rankings. Did you know that? I didn't know. Yeah, so they send all the shit vegetables out to your one. Is that what you're saying?

Yeah, yeah. And you go there too and you look for a particular razor and they don't have it. Yeah, right. It's too expensive. IGA being the only chain, would there have been like riding in the streets when that first opened up? Yeah. Would that have been like, this is the beginning of the end?

Did that take over an SSW? I don't know what it took over. Like this bloody independent gross... What's IGA stand for? Independent Grosses Association. Yeah. Yeah. They give back to the community.

Yeah. Get out, you fucking independent. Get out of town. Conglomerate independent. Yeah. Well, get out, you fucking independent. Get out of town. Conglomerate independent. Yeah, well, that's 5,000. 5,000 is plenty. What have you got, two blocks of Main Street? One block?

Yeah, it'd only go, oh, no, it's a bit bigger than that, maybe about five blocks. But yeah, essentially, this is how you get to my house. And I'm not worried about people finding out how to get to my house. Because if you go to Romsey and just say, where's Tom's house? They go, over there. It's a very small map of the stars' homes in Romsey. Well, there's me, Dean Jones.

Oh, what? Yeah, he lives a block away. I haven't met him yet. What? Yeah. That'd be awesome. I know. I'm ready to go have sex with me missus.

He lives a block away and you've never met him? I've never met him, no. I've got to go door knocking or something. When you have your celebrity cricket match in Romsey, you'd be the two captains. You'll meet them. Should do it. But yeah, to get to my house,

what you do is you just drive into Romsey and I'm on the left. That's how you do it, pretty much. You go over the bridge and I'm on the left. You're the one on the left. Yeah. So everyone in town knows you and you said there's one pub. Are the pub every now and then trying to get you to do gigs? Are they always trying to get you to come in on a Friday night You're the one on the left. Yeah. So everyone in town knows you, and you said there's one pub. Are the pub every now and then trying to get you to do gigs?

Are they always trying to get you to come in on a Friday night and tell some funnies to the locals? I have been into the pub a few times, and it's sort of always good fun. Everyone wants to get their photo with me. But no, people tend to leave me alone normally, but I have been heckled through my letterbox. Not someone yelling through your letterbox. No, no. Well, like someone

has not liked something that I've done on television so they've taken it upon themselves to get a pen, write a note, put it in an envelope

with no stamp and pop it through the front door. What, more than one time? It's happened twice, yeah. Really?

Same handwriting, like same person? Well, yeah, it was this one woman, yeah, her name is Gillian. Gillian, she runs

a bookstore. No friend of the show. Well, this is a weird thing. In one, she runs a store. No friend of the show. Well, this is the weird thing. In one letter, she abused me and asked me to do a gig. It's a weird combo. I was very upset. And, by the way, I'm hosting a men's health weekend.

Would you be able to emcee? You'll never guess what happened. I didn't reply. What was she upset about? She was upset because, actually, it wasn't to do with TV. It was on radio. I'd organised a tour of the town, but I didn't drop into her shop. Oh, you arsehole.

As a competition, we did a tour of the town for the radio station, and we went round and we didn't stop in her shop, despite having never said that we were going to or never made any arrangements. What sort of shop? It was an arts and home wear shop. Arts shop, yeah. Why would you bother? Why would you go in there?

What's there to see in there? Fuck that. Well, I'd never been there. It turns out it's closed down. It's now a cafe. You closed it down. Thanks to you. I didn't publicise it enough.

It's all my fault. So this is when you were on Mix FM? Yep. Because we had Limo in here, current Mix FM breakfast host. Yes. Now, who was before you? We're just going to chronologically work our way backwards through. Okay.

Was it Mooney? This is Mix FM in Melbourne. Yeah, you've got to go back. This is the thing. The breakfast show on Mix FM now is Bridge and Limo. Yep. With Simon Diaz. He's the anchor.

Before Bridge and Limo, there was Bridge and Tom. Before Bridge and Tom, there was Tracy and Tim. Oh, you. Yeah. Were you being a smartass then? No, no. I was genuinely being a fuckhead. In my head, I went, should I pretend that I don't know who the Tom is? No, that's obvious and I can try.

Oh, God. I'm still thinking about the art supply. Because when you signed on, what was the name of the show? It was Two Women in a Metro? Yeah, it was called Two Women and a Metro. And what happened was it was quite strange. I did a pilot for the show and they said, this is Two Women and a Metro with Bridge, George and Tom. And they're like, oh, don't worry, it's just a working title. We won't keep that.

I'm like, yeah, cool. So then I made fun of it in the pilot. I said that I was metrophobic. I didn't like metrosexuals. I didn't like what they stood for. You know, and just, you know, crapped on about it. And I thought that was hilarious and irreverent. And they're like, oh, we're going to change it. But they really wanted to focus

on the fact that there were two women on the one radio show which apparently was groundbreaking. So I said, why don't you just call it Two Women and Tom? And they were like, oh, yeah, that's not a bad idea. Anyway, essentially there was a pinhead upstairs in the head office who liked the idea of it because he was creating a franchise and he was dreaming of there being two women in a metro all around the world.

Oh, really? Yeah. So he would be the guy who invented the two-woman structure? Yeah, the two women in a metro format. That would have been his dream. Art supply stores the world over going out of business. He's quick thinking. Yeah, but unfortunately for him, what he forgot was that it wasn't 2003.

The word metro was like so out of date. And it was really strange because I actually turned up to work and it was on all the business cards and everything, and I had no choice in it. And I said, it was the strange because I actually turned up to work and it was on all the business cards and everything, and I had no choice in it. And I said, it was the weirdest thing that's ever happened to me. I said expressly to the person, I'm very direct, I just rang up the guy in charge, and I said, you can't be calling the show Two Women in Metro because Metro's terrible.

It's really bad. And it has no, like, it's embarrassing to the point that every day when I go to the pool, the pool attendant says to me, you've got to change the name, like, it's embarrassing to the point that every day when I go to the pool, the pool attendant says to me, you've got to change the name, mate. Every day. Two Sheilas and a Tamagotchi. You don't think he would have had more success if he'd written this and put it in his letterbox? I didn't put it in writing.

That's a sad thing. And they were saying that, oh, yeah, but it's got good cut through because people hated it so much. That's like us. So people were remembering it. People remember it as in, have you ever listened to that shit-named show? Fuck no. So I just used to make a joke of it every day on air

because that's what I used to do. I used to take all my battles on air. It's the only way you're going to ever win anything. And I'd just say, I'd say that we should change the name to Two Women and a Eunuch or something or just make up jokes about it. Well, they did change it to sort of One Woman and a Metro. Yeah, I know.

It only took them 12 months to realise that it was bad. That's how long it took, 12 months for them to realise that they had to change it because it was damaging our ratings. Did you get any sweet stationery? Have you got anything with that name still on it? No. No, I did not burnt it. I was very happy to see it go. They didn't give you a t-shirt that just said the Metro on it that you had to wear around everywhere? That was the other weird thing. Despite

me saying that can't be the name because it's terrible and I actually think it's going to be bad for the station. Besides the fact that I think my own name is probably more recognisable than the Metro. I think more people have heard of Tom Gleeson than they've heard of the Metro. I'd said that and they were just so, you just didn't care. And even though I'd had all those protests and gotten so annoyed about it, he would still refer to it in meetings as me playing the role. Oh yeah, because you as the Metro. It's like, no, that's just what you imagined in your dumb fucking head.

I never agreed to any of that. I've never been a Metro. Yeah, why were you a Metro? I don't know. Is it just because you imagined in your dumb fucking head. I never agreed to any of that. I've never been a Metro. Yeah, why were you a Metro? I don't know. Is it just because you were a guy and that was it? I remember the press for it, like the photo or whatever, it was like you were wearing like a tie and a jumper, and that was meant to be like a big Metro thing to do.

That was all part of the annoying part too, because when I did the photo shoot, there was a, they had a, what do you call them, a stylist. Yeah. And the stylist was gay, which is, I don't have a problem with that. That's no problem at all. Except that he was one of those stylists who only thought you looked good if he dressed you up as him.

You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He only looked good. And he's like, I think you like that shirt because you're wearing it as well. You're not dressing me at all. Well, here's something I wanted to bring up to you. I think probably one of the last times I saw you was we were at Trades Hall. You were in town.

I think you'd done 7pm Project and then you'd done a gig in the city. I bumped into you at Trades Hall and we decided to go down Brunswick Street for a beer. And I was with my girlfriend who I'd just started seeing a couple of weeks before at that time. And we were trying to get a cab. It was raining. We were on Ligon Street. Oh, you said just to back up a little bit. Because I live out of town, whenever I do a gig and I do something for Channel 10, they give me a hotel room.

So I try to get my money's worth because I'm having a night in town. I'm in town. I have three gigs. So I was like, everywhere I went, I was like, who wants a beer? And everyone kept going to bed. Yeah, that was weird. Except for you.. So I was like, everywhere I went, I was like, who wants a beer? And everyone kept going to bed. Yeah, that was it. That was the weird thing was that we'd been at this night. This was the same, by the way, this is the same night. This is the first podcast we did. I told the story of the magician comedy club story.

That's that night. That's that night. It was a big night. That's going way back into the archives. That's episode one. It is. For any new listeners who want to hear that. So anyway, yeah, so we bumped into you at Trades Hall. I think, yeah, everyone else had left. You, me, and my girlfriend decided to go and get a beer down on Brunswick Street. We were trying to get a cab, and you were

sort of further down the street trying to hail a cab. You've hailed a cab. It's gone straight past you. My girlfriend has put her hand out and the cab stopped for her. We get in the cab. You come running up and then you've spent the entire cab ride berating the driver and not stopping for you, just saying, why did you stop for her and not for me? I'm on television. You must have recognised me.

That's right. I was really angry. He probably thought you were Dean Jones. I think the first thing I said when I get in the cab was, remember me? I'm the guy you just drove by. You may have seen me on 7pm or you fucking just drove past me, you arsehole.

That's right. I got really angry. You spent the entire drive from Ligon Street to Brunswick Street berating him and my favourite line was when you went, you know what, I normally tip really well when I'm in cabs. Guess what you're getting when we get out? Nothing! That's right.

I did too. I just gave him the exact change. Yeah, yeah. That was it. But then here's what I didn't tell you. So we went out and had a few drinks. Well, we went to Bar Open and it wasn't. Yeah, it was closed.

Which is very annoying. And you were walking around getting very all right because you used to live in that area. Yeah. What's happened to my suburb? So you used to live in Fitzroy, yeah? It was only like 1.30 or 2 in the morning. And everything was closing down.

Yeah. It's like I left and the whole suburb just went all a bit, you know, soft. Yeah. Far up Fitzroy. We ended up going to First Floor, which had like a hip-hop night on. That's right. And needless to say, you and I were very out of place. We were very out of place, yeah.

I mean, in some respects we were in place because we were white like everyone else there. But yeah, it was an Australian hip-hop night, I think. We got a private booth. That's right. You just barged in. There's a private booth that was roped off and you went, let's just go in here and see what happens. That's right. This will be for us.

That's right. I undid the rope and then we sat down and did it up again and no one bothered us. I'm the Metro. Let me in. The Metro's here. Come on. Come. So anyway, it was a nice night.

The postscript to that night that I didn't tell you was that previous to us going out, my girlfriend had told a friend of hers, I've started seeing this guy and his name is Tom. And then we're out drinking and she's texted that same friend saying, I'm having a beer with Tom Gleeson. She gets up in the morning and she's got a text from that friend putting the two together and her friend has texted her and said, oh, my God, you're sleeping with Tom Gleeson? He's on the telly. If only she was driving the cab. And he's married.

Well, that was the thing, because she got busy and she left the text for a little while, and then she sort of forgot to respond, and then a few hours later gets a text from the friend again going, hey, I've just done some Googling. I think Tom Gleeson might be married. And then she had to fess up and go, yeah, look,

that's two separate messages, which was kind of a good thing, because I was thinking it was something that starts out as a funny story and then it goes on and then six months later you're getting divorced. And I'm having to go, geez, I don't know how that happened. All of a sudden Tom Gleeson's going out with Liz Hurley. I wouldn't mind, though. I wouldn't mind getting divorced.

I wouldn't. My wife and I have decided, we've agreed that if we get divorced, we're just going to start rooting around on the same day we split. We're just going to go. There'll be no cooling off period, just straight back into it. We've decided even if one of us dies first, like the funeral we're going to be trying to pick up. We've decided that straight out.

Well, that would be. That's it. Off we go. Surely you're never going to get a better chance to pick up than your deceased partner's funeral. Well, there'd be lots of hugging, wouldn't there? Yeah, there'd be heaps of hugging. There'd be lots of hugging and consoling and like you just go to hell.

Yeah, but family members. No, but you know, there'd be, oh, I've got some hot friends. There'd be friends, yeah. I mean, and you could- Invite the hot friends to the funeral. Hot singles. And you'd have a good excuse for like if you were drunk and then you were hitting on people and you'd have the greatest excuse ever.

Like, oh, I'm sorry. It's, you know- Part of my grieving. Part of my grieving. Yeah. I got an erection as part of my grieving. Quick, can you console it? It's good to see that you're planning for the future.

Is that part of the prenup? Yeah, that's it. Oh, we don't have a prenup. I get to root at your funeral. Just straight in there. Yeah. We have a few deals like that. We have some pretty unusual deals.

Another deal that we have is that if we get a massage and we get offered a happy ending, we're allowed to take it, but we're not allowed to ask for it. Right. Okay. Yeah. So I only go to sus massage parlour. You go, oh, I'm feeling a bit sore. I might pop out to Thailand, actually, for the weekend. Well, that's the interesting thing. I was actually talking about that with someone the other day with the happy ending thing. You never hear of women being offered the happy ending. No.

Does that happen? No, it does happen. It happened to a friend of my wife's. Right. In fact, weirdly enough, her friend was in Thailand, and this woman is a bit older as it turns out. She's in her 50s. And her and her husband were getting massages in separate rooms.

And essentially, she got finished off. Right. And she really enjoyed it. So that was great. And then she said to her husband afterwards, wow, that was a really good massage. Did you enjoy it? And he's like, yeah, yeah, it was good. It was fine.

And through the conversation, she worked out that he had not had. He hadn't. He hadn't had the same fun that she had. Wow. And did she tell him? No. Oh. Kept it a secret until now well sometimes my wife uh tempts me as well like i went to america recently was hanging out with limo who you're talking to on the last podcast yep and um and she sometimes like she didn't actually do this but we're joking about she was saying i would uh

like to let you in america sleep with whoever you want and you got two weeks to do whatever you want and then we talked about it a bit further and we decided the sad thing was that within those two weeks i don't reckon i would have found anyone yeah yeah it wouldn't have been long enough yeah because i'm not known as a like i'm not known for my looks i'm known for my personality i'd need to talk someone into it yeah yeah time in a quiet area you're in. But you're in Vegas. You're in Vegas, though. Yeah.

Would that have counted prostitutes? No, I don't think so. Paying for it would sort of ruin it a little bit. We did hear about you getting approached by the prostitutes. Oh, right. You told me about Limo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The rule of if it's too easy, they're probably hookers.

Yeah, well, it was a bit strange. I mean, Limo probably told the story. I was actually with Justin Hamilton. We were in the foyer of our hotel and two women came up to us at three in the morning when we were drunk and said, hey, do you want to party? And we were both aware of our limitations in the looks department, so we concluded they must have been prostitutes.

But the funny thing that she said was, because Justin sort of wanted to get rid of them, so Justin said, it turns out our wives are upstairs. So, you know, thank you. But, you know, we've got to get going. Limo and Will Anderson. Yeah. Yeah.

We've got to get going. And she said, oh, we can party in your bathroom. That's what she said. And then, but the weird thing was we walked off and I was really excited that we were talking to prostitutes. I don't know why. You know, it's just like, oh, well. They were like celebrities. Yeah, they were like real prostitutes. Vegas prostitutes. I don't know why. They were like celebrities. Yeah, they were like real prostitutes.

Vegas prostitutes. Yeah, that was cool. Yeah. But unfortunately, we'd had a bit to drink by then, so I was probably, I'd lose control of my projection. I talk at stage volume when I get too pissed, as you would well know. Yeah. Because I was like drilling the back of that taxi driver's head with my full thousand seat

venue voice. When we turned up to first floor, we got free entry because you told them that you were on the telly. Oh, did I? I said, I'm on the telly, let me in. It's all made up for the cab. Well, yeah. Well, anyway, so then we went to the bar, Justin and I,

and two women were sitting at the bar, and they looked up and they said, hey, honey, want to come and sit over here? And I said to Justin, they're prostitutes as well, aren't they, Justin? Yes, Tom, they are. Maybe a bit more quietly. Carl, what have you got for us this week? Anything? Okay, what about this?

Yeah. Well, quick backstory is I had my phone stolen about 18 months ago. Oh, yes. Yes. Do people still steal phones? Because I leave my phone all over the joint because I figure no one cares because they're not worth anything. Well, this is it.

This happened like 18 months ago, so I suppose the iPhones were still, you know, a bit new. Because now you'd think, what would the resale be? Like if you went into cash converters and tried to buy it, like, and tried to sell them your mobile, would they just say, sorry? You can just get one for like six bucks a month on a plan anyway. Yeah, exactly. They're just the phones you get now. Yeah.

Maybe people steal them who have lost their phone. Yeah. Because it's like they just think, I'll just get another one. Well, if it was sitting there, you'd take it, you know. You'd need a new SIM card though, wouldn't you? This would be the best cop show ever, just you trying to read too much logic into all the crimes that are going on. Well, see, this is exactly what happened, right?

So I went to dinner with some friends of the show, and I sat there, and I've got this bad habit of putting my phone between my legs, just texting, blah, blah, blah, and I just put it between my legs. That's a very bad habit. Yeah, it's bad. That's a habit that will make you never have children. Yeah, it's shocking. Don't you feel, like I feel it warms up my ear sometimes.

Yeah. Doesn't it warm up your nuts a bit? I don't put it right on it. I just put it sort of between my legs there, just in front. Just delicately nestled. Yeah. That's still a lot of radiation. Yeah.

So that if you need to get a quick snap of them for whatever reason, it's just there and ready to go. I don't have to focus. You don't have to fuck around getting into position. So I do that. So what I did was i get up to pay the bill and i had obviously left it on the chair and when i got up to pay the bill i when i went to walk back i padded my pockets i went oh i don't have my phone went to go to the

chair there's nothing there and i'm like oh no no no i would have left it there that's the only place i would have left so i'm on the floor well i checked everywhere yeah in tight there was no one in the rest of the restaurant no one one there. It was a quiet night. There was nothing going on around. I'm like, the only person who could have grabbed this would have been the waiter. Yeah. I was there. This whole thing went for about 20 seconds.

Yeah. Between you getting up and going to the counter and going back. Yeah, exactly. It was a very short window. Exactly. So I went and said to the waiter, hey, did you pick up any phones? You know, no. Look, are you sure?

Because I've left my phone and it would have been hanging around so if if you found it it'd be great to get it back and they're like no you you sure because i reckon yeah no no no fuck so i went out i searched everywhere i'm like this it couldn't have been anywhere else so i cancelled the phone i told apple or told optus or whatever you have to do anyway um i went and reported it whatever six to eight months later i get a call from the cops they say we found your phone like what how'd you find my phone after this long now what happens is if when you report your phone missing um and if you put a new sim in it like you say it immediately the signal goes out saying

oh this is a stolen phone whatever fantastic yeah Fantastic. Yeah. It happens good like that. It works. The system works. The only problem is that this happened eight months later. So the cops, what happened was the signal went out and they just went, we've got bigger fish to fry than this. We'll get onto this in eight months or so. So this all happened like eight months later and I got called down the cop shop and I went, we've got your phone. I'm like, well, it's a bit too late.

I've got a new phone, so it doesn't really matter. They're like, here's your phone. You can't use it anymore. Okay, cool. Well, I've got it back. I said it doesn't really matter. They're like, here's your phone. You can't use it anymore. Okay, cool. Well, I've got it back. I said, look, this has pissed me off. Can you just tell me this? Was it one of the guys that worked for a pizza shop that stole the phone?

They go, yep. Yep, it was. I'm like, oh, Jesus. So I was just, you know, really annoyed. That's all right. But they said if it's any consolation, like they saw how pissed I was, I said, is there any consolation? We made it tough for him.

What do you mean? They go, well, we found out his address. He lived with his parents. He's like 16 or whatever. So we went, well, we'll go and find this phone at half past five in the morning. So they went and knocked on his parents' door at half past five in the morning and got the whole family up and whatever. So I got the, you know, that all happened, got the phone back.

Anyway, so that- Got full impact out of it. Yeah. And so I got the, you know, that all happened, got the phone back. Anyway, so that... Got full impact out of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So at least he got into a... It was a bit of a pain in the ass for him. Yeah. So then months later, months and months and months later, I get a call from the Department of Justice saying,

we've got a new system. When someone steals something petty or whatever it was, instead of, like, having them a permanent record, what we want to do is we want to get them to donate to charity instead of having a permanent record or write a letter to you saying sorry or stuff like that. I'm like, okay, whatever. So then another four months later, the other day,

I get the letter in the mail. Just this letter in the mail saying this handwritten, scrawled, girlish handwriting thing saying, I'm sorry for taking your phone that time. What a silly thing it was for me to do. I would never have imagined I would have got in trouble with this. Anyway, you're sincerely whatever. And left their name on there.

Like they actually put their name on there. So I'm like, well, you know, in this age, I just immediately looked him up on Facebook and found him straight away. So I've got his name, I looked him up on Facebook. I actually started making a new page because I'm like, how i get him back so then i started making this page you know you become a fan of something on facebook i started making a page so he could become a fan of hooking iphones in pizza restaurants but then i looked at the note again and went oh he's handwritten my name at the start so he knows who i am so he can look me up on Facebook as well

so I just thought oh well I can't do it can I? Because he would have, would I get in trouble for doing that? No not at all If you've been good in contact with him, add him Should I? It sounds like it's straight justice time. Yeah you should add him definitely Yeah What should I do?

Don't forget that you might become mates It's such an unlikely way of meeting someone. Exactly. But imagine that. Imagine like in 30 years' time you're good mates and like he's been at your wedding and everything. Yeah. How did you guys meet?

He stole my phone. Yeah, you're right. He was certainly a capricciosa. I like the look of his phone. This is the start of the next great buddy comedy. Let's have him on the show. Should we? We should.

I don't think we should. He'll nick the mics. He'll hook something. He'll make off with my USB stick that I saved the show on. It'll be the lost episode. Yeah, well, the pinched episode. Because you sent me his page the other day on Facebook, and I was tempted to just add him.

What if I add him first? Because he doesn't know me. He doesn't know anything about me. I'll do it. I put it on Facebook just the other day and so many people sort of got into it. I've got to do something, but I don't know. With him having

my details, surely... But you saw him. You saw him at the shop. I couldn't remember what he looked like though Do you remember anyone giving you pizza Who would beat you in a fight? Or did they all look like people Who you'd beat in a fight?

Yeah, well that's the thing Because when it first happened I was like really shitty on the pizza restaurant And I was like, oh, I'm going to do something And my girlfriend was very My girlfriend was like, oh, it's a pizza shop in Ligon Street It'll be the mob. So don't mess with them.

That'll be the mafia. I'm like, that's so stupid, but that has scared me enough to not do anything. It's enough, isn't it, just to make you a little bit nervous? Hang on. The letter that came to you, the envelope that it was in, had he written your address? No.

He doesn't know your address. It was through the Department of Justice. It was through, okay. So how much does he really, he doesn't know that much of your details. Start a fake profile. Well, that's what I was going to do. Use your little characters. No, well, that's what I was going to do.

I was going to start a fake profile, then start that fake page, and then add him and whatever, and say, how do you like this one, you little fucking phone pincher? How about you include him, though? How about you actually just send him a direct message? Add him as a friend, first up. Send him a message, say, I'm going to set up a fake profile making fun of you for stealing your phone. Do you mind?

And then he'll sort of... I kind of reckon he has to go, no. He has to not mind because he stole your phone. Yeah. I can make a public page of fans of that guy, like fans of that guy, and then have him as an international phone-stealing celebrity or whatever it is,

and get everyone I know to become a fan of him and then invite him to become a fan of himself when there's already 500 people on board. Yeah, get it up and running first. Yeah, that would work. That would be funny just to get a letter from the cops saying, can you please stop your fan page For the guy who stole your phone

Of the phone stealer dude Stop trying to be mates with him You'd have to write a letter to him apologising Saying sorry It seems funny that it's like You two options are Do community service Which is presumably a bit of work

And a bit inconvenient Or sit down and write a letter. Yeah. Who's not writing the letter? Yeah. Who's going up and fucking, you know, working in the soup kitchen as opposed to spending 10 minutes writing a letter to someone? Well, also, part of the thing was he donated $300 to charity.

I'm like, how about you just give me that? Like, I had to pay insurance on that phone. Same thing happened to me with the laptop. It was an Apple. It was the laptop. It was an Apple. It was a Mac. It was an iBook. It was long enough ago that the iBook was white. Remember that?

About 10 years ago. They don't even call the iBook anymore. No. That's right. The MacBook. Yeah. What are they called now? MacBook.

MacBook. Yeah. Anyway, it was called an iBook at the time. White. The house got broken into just before Christmas. Not Romsey. No, no, no. This is when I was living in Northcote.

It was like a reverse Santa Claus. It was like a junkie broke in, took our things and nicked off. Anyway, I got the laptop stolen and then got a new one with insurance, forgot about it, and I got a call back about a year and a half later when I'd forgotten about it. But the call I got was from a guy whispering, and it was very exciting. He's like, yeah, hi there, is that Tom Gleeson? And I'm like, yes.

He's like, I've got your laptop. I'm like, what are you talking about? And he said, I work at an Apple shop. I work at the Apple shop in Geelong, and a guy has just come in to get the laptop repaired, and I've looked at it, and it's yours. And I'm like, well, where is he? And he's like, he's out the front. I've called the police, and I've looked at it and it's yours. And I'm like, well, where is he? And he's like, he's out the front.

I've called the police and I'm just stalling for time so that they can come and get him. You have a sting operation. Yeah, yeah. And the weird thing was this phone call interrupted me watching the French Connection. So it was like I was like this Geelong Connection, French Connection. That's like an interactive experience. That's funny because you know what would have happened? He would have stolen that laptop off you, then come into the city,

and he would have been one of those junkies in the city going, can I have 50 cents? I just need to catch a train to Geelong. And then he went home with it. That's weird. I don't get why the guy, if he's called the cops, why he's calling you as well. Yeah, I think he was just really excited about it.

I mean, if you work at the Apple shop in Geelong, I'm sure nothing's that exciting. Yeah, that's true. And it was exciting for me just because the ball was in play. And I was like, oh, this is exciting. So it happens. Not much happened in the end, as it turns out, because the guy who was getting it repaired had bought stolen goods.

So the police ended up getting in contact with me, and they said the guy's had a hard enough time already. He used to have a laptop, and he doesn't that he paid for. And when we started talking about how he bought it, he started to go, oh, yeah, now that you mention it, I did buy it from a guy on the side of the road out of a car. It wasn't at a house. Now that I think about it, it probably was a stolen laptop.

They didn't have an official Apple reseller sticker on the side of that car, did they? I like that he's also saying that he's trying to keep the guy there by stalling for time. How are you stalling for time in an Apple store? What are you doing? Can you stay there while I ring Tom Gleeson? No, it might have maybe got him to go and charge a phone or something. Charge a laptop.

Go and watch that laptop charge. Go and watch those flying toasters. Go to the art supply store down the road. But it was 10 years ago, so to be honest, you could have just distracted him by showing him an iPod. Yeah. Oh, what? You mean there's 10 albums in here?

Are you serious? 10 albums? Yep. 11? No, they can't fiddle with it. In this one-foot-tall iPod. Yeah. Yeah, I found my first-generation iPod the other day.

I was like, the fuck is this? I know, and it feels like it's been set up to play Pong on now. Yeah, I found my first generation iPod the other day. I was like, what the fuck is this? I know, and it feels like it's been set up to play Pong on now. Yeah, yeah. Just the big, thick, bloody graphics on it. You know what the sad thing is? That is my iPod. You still rock the retro one? I've still got the 2003 one I got.

When I got it, yeah, crowds would gather around me to watch me listening to it. But yeah, it's an LCD screen and it's 10 gigabytes. I've never heard of something going that long. Yeah. Yeah, well, I don't use it that often. Well, my friend works at an Apple store and they've, for whatever reason, they've got a whole bunch of the old classic ones, like before they did the mini one. Yeah.

Yeah, no, the mini classic. Before they had the Nano. Yep. They just, the Nano is like super tiny that you can just clip on your arm and run with. That's right. There was the Mini that's just, I don't know what, just a bit smaller, but still bigger than the ones that you buy as the big one now, if that makes sense. Yeah, yeah.

And he's rocking that now. Retro man. But it's weird to me. You can do retro iPhones like iPods now. That's the weird thing though, isn't it? To be retro about still a very, very advanced piece of technology that still essentially does the exact same thing from only like, what, four years ago? So someone's using what you use ironically now already.

Yeah. That's exactly it. Whereas I just use it just because I very rarely use it. But yeah, it's a bit weird though because you can only fit about 20 albums in there. Yeah. So I have to pull ones out and put other ones in. That's very metrosexual of you. Hey, what about this?

I just had a thought. With your phone still a guy, presuming he still works at this pizza joint. Yeah. What if we, like, go and leave something? What if we booby trap him? Like, what if we leave something on the seat for him to steal? Yeah. Like our cocks.

Yeah. In the right spot. Give us an under the table time. That'd be embarrassing when the cops ring us up and run back to us. We've already claimed insurance on them. Yeah, it's got a chip in it. We located the owner. So we're starting the fan page.

Yep. And we're going to try and get this going. That's definitely on the to-do list. Yeah, and then we can have a club meeting of all the people who are fans of him at the pizza shop. Oh, great. That would be good. But the only problem is, because of the passage of time, there is a very good chance that he doesn't work there anymore.

No. That's the only thing. That's true. It was a little while ago. Yeah. It was like a year and a half. And I don't know anyone that works at a pizza shop and turns it into a career. Well, especially in a mafia one like that.

Yeah. No, I think he was like 16 at the time or something. So just to be clear, I am planning on ruining the life of a teenager. He was 16 at the time, so he'd be 18 now. Yeah. Well, he might be rising up through the ranks of the mafia. He might be a captain now. Yeah.

Captain of the mafia. Is that how it works? No, a captain's one of the ranks. Is it? Yeah, there's all these ranks. Is there an admiral? I think you become a captain. I don't know.

Not an admiral. You become a boss. I don't know. Not an admiral. You become a boss. I don't know if I feel comfortable putting this on the internet. Mafia speculation with our names clearly attached to it. If we're on radio, if we're on a commercial radio, we'll just do a phoner now. I'd be wrapped that anyone's listening to us, whether it's mafia or not. That's true. It's fine by me.

You've got to court controversy. You've got to do your best. We can do phoners on this show, but we sort of have to call the people ourselves. It's just us calling our mates and going, what do you reckon about this? It's usually just people ringing me because I've left my phone on. Yeah, yeah.

You've got to wait until they're listening to the podcast too. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Are you listening to it? And they're like, yep. And you go, all right, we'll just press pause. I'm doing a phoner. That's what our friends do. The friends of,

literal friends of the show, friends of us that listen to this show always say, we listen to it and then we want to just ring you up and say, oh, I want to make a point.

Oh, hang on, that was three weeks ago. Really? No one said that to me. Yeah, people say it all the time. I've got a lot of friends. So... Maybe we should start doing phoners. Yeah, maybe not. Hey, lot of friends so maybe we should start doing phoners yeah maybe

not hey maybe we should um maybe we should trick people listening to this podcast and uh we should play a game where we all say what the date is today oh okay guess who was correct ah i'm saying that i'm very excited about february and it's the second okay what are you? I'm saying that it is the 26th of January. Okay. And CeeLo Green's Fuck You won the Triple J Hottest 100. Oh, I did it? Yeah, just then, just a few minutes ago. Yeah, well, I'm saying it's 27th of January,

and yesterday Morris Minor and the Majors won the Hottest 100, and the year is 1987. With a stutter rap. Yeah. Okay. All app. Yeah, okay. All right. Oh, it's a bad game. None of us said the real date. Oh, okay.

Or did we? It's hard to say, isn't it? Anyway, give us a call. Oh, jeez. Who's closest? No, actually, no. Actually, no, one of us did say the real date. Or the real date that we're recording it or the real date that it's online.

I don't know. What day is it? Well, people are going to know when it's online because I'll just check that. There's no mystery. Oh, yeah. Okay. Right. Okay.

Yeah. Yeah. No, but we may have delayed when we put it online. Yeah. We might have sat on this recording for a couple of months. You said today's February 2, but this is coming out on January 26, so I reckon they're going to discount your one to start with. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. But it is the 2nd of February. Oh, right. 2010. Yeah, right. It's been sitting on the shelf for a long time. This has been, yeah, we predicted a lot of stuff.

We predicted Carl getting his phone back. You predicted a song being written. I predicted a song being written. Fuck, I should get on that. I should get on that and write it myself. Do you reckon that song's going to be number one? I do, yeah. Oh, man.

Because it's always something that crosses over and is on... That's true. It was on commercial radio and it was on Glee. What's the song again? That Fuck You song by CeeLo Green. I don't like that song. I find it very annoying. It's a bit too repetitive or something.

Okay. What do you reckon's going to be number one? I did have a thought. I'm just trying to remember it. Do you have a prediction? No, I don't listen. I've got to that stage where I don't know what bands' names are anymore. Yeah.

It's a bit sad. I know the songs, but I don't know who they are anymore. What did you describe? You were giving shit to someone for listening to Vampire Weekend. Yeah. Tell the people what you refer to Vampire Weekend. Yeah. Tell the people what you refer to Vampire Weekend as. Yeah, it's like something. It's the moment when you realise you're turning into your dad slowly because he just goes,

you know, and you listen to your bloody blah, blah, whatever it is. I was giving shit to someone listening to Vampire Weekend. I said, yeah, no, you and your bloody Werewolf Forest. But I just went, oh, that's the name. Werewolf Forest is a good name for a band, though. Yeah. Well, they won the 2012 Hottest 100. I like Vampire Weekend. I think they sound like, the guitarist sounds like he picked up the guitar

for the first time in the session that they recorded the CD. He does like a solo, just on one string. He just goes... Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the thing is, you're saying that to St. Angelo. There are a lot of bands like that now. There are a lot of bands that become big, and the big legend about them will be

none of them knew how to play their instruments when they first got together. And then you listen to the album and you go, I don't know that that's news. It goes without saying. But you know what's weird about Vampire Weekend, though, I reckon, is they sound really lo-fi, but I saw them performing live on those. They were showing it on ABC2, I think Glastonbury.

They're tight as. Yeah. They're really good. Yeah, I saw them earlier last year. They sound exactly that incompetent live, but perfectly so. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That makes sense. I know my prediction for Hottest 100.

Yep. I think number one will be That I don't know the name of it But it's a rap song About Queensland Summer Oh Nah fuck that Aussie Hip Hop

Nah Nah I've got no time for Aussie Hip Hop Okay So you listen to the You listen to the youth music I do listen to Triple J A fair bit

Right I enjoy it But the announcers I don't enjoy the announcers As a general rule Too young Yeah they're too young And yeah They just I mean I heard one guy And he said I enjoy it, but the announcers, I don't enjoy the announcers as a general rule. Too young? Yeah, they're too young.

I mean, I heard one guy and he said one day, he said, that was a golden oldie there from Kings of Leon. He said that's from their album, Aha Shake, Heartbreak. That reminds me of when I was in year nine. He was trying to be funny. He's like, oh, doesn't that take you back? I was in year nine. I was like, fuck you, Louie. Louie?

Yeah, Louie. Right. Folks, that brings us to the end of the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thanks very much to Tom Gleeson for joining us. Anything you want to plug? Where can people catch you around the nation? Go to my website, tomgleeson.com.au. It's all there.

I'm doing gigs everywhere. You're at all the festivals coming up. I want to plug my comedy CD Against Sonic Reach Around Available now on iTunes Check that out Carl what have you got coming up? Nothing

Oh Jesus Alright that's it for another week Tune in next time Thanks very much Tom Gleeson Thanks See you next time See you mates See you mates