The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 142 - Judith Lucy & Denise Scott

Episode Date: June 12, 2013

Lost Keys, The Cook Islands and Mental Breakdowns.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey, mates, welcome once again into the little dum-dum club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo, sitting next to me on this lovely blue couch, the other half of the show, Carl Chandler. Good to be here. Hey, something I wanted to ask you about. This is a thing that started happening to me in the last maybe month or so is at least at least at minimum 15 20 minutes of my day now every day is dedicated to me trying to

find my keys or my wallet before i leave the house and it's it's become a real recurring thing and what i wanted to ask you because there's like a nine year or so age gap between us is this it is this the beginning of the end um i've only had it recently right when i was back when i was your age back in those days in the early 70s um i was fine it's been a recent thing for me yeah i've i've got like so many pieces of insurance around my house now i carry two spare keys in my wallet i don't know why there's two of them. Because if I lose the wallet, they're both gone. So I don't know why I've got both of them there.

But yeah, I've got several contingency plans because I'm doing nothing but locking myself out of the house. Yeah, I've started having to build it into getting ready to leave the house. I have to start now getting ready to go half an hour before I need to because most of my day now is just walking around the house like i got ready to do this like last night yeah just putting things in an order it's just you woke me up from this couch i was sleeping here i camped here overnight man it's really yeah it's really it's it's really disappointing to know that this is you know this

is it um i i had a quick experience i'll tell off the back of this which is uh listeners will know i run a couple of comedy rooms and whatever this is you know sometimes you know we do a podcast we've got listeners we've got plenty of people enjoying back up we do a podcast yes right we got we do a podcast that's a fact um now i did a gig last week where i was organizing i was running around and whatever and there was a guy with his son there the son was about you know 16 17 and i went past i sort of got the vibe that he recognized me and he was a guy with his son there. The son was about, you know, 16, 17. And I went past and I sort of got the vibe that he recognised me and he was sort of looking at me and whatever. And I'm like, okay, well, that might be a thing.

That might not be a thing. And then I had to keep coming back and forth. And eventually he was sort of looking at me, then looking at his dad, looking at me, looking at his dad. And his dad just goes, just ask him if he's going to be on tonight. It's not like he's famous. That's very good. So I figured out he's famous. That's very good. So I figured out what that means.

That's the difference between us and famous people now. Like our guests on the show, they're not allowed to be asked if they're on tonight. Whereas we are allowed to be asked if we're on a bill. So it's just presumed that you're on. Yeah, maybe. Yeah. I was in the Apple store in Doncaster shopping town the other day getting my iPod repaired. And a listener of the show came up to me to tell me that he listens and he likes the show.

Yep. Which was, first of all, it was him going, yeah, I really like the show and rah, rah. And I go, what's your name? He goes, my name's Marcus. I'm at Poodog on Twitter. Like, oh, the great at Poodog. That's good to know. But the weird thing about that was, like, have you ever used the Genius Bar thing at the Apple store? No, well, I'm not like the great at Poodog. I'm not qualified to use a Genius Bar.

Yeah, it's a thing where you turn up and you kind of make an appointment to go in and get whatever you need to have service. And then you turn up and they make you kind of wait over at the side of the store. One of our guests has walked out in the middle of this anecdote, so that's not a good sign. But anyway, keep going. The story gets better, I promise.

But it was this weird thing where I'm standing there just checking my phone, waiting for them to come and get me and tell me that they're ready to look at my iPod. And the guy, so I'm looking at my phone and then I hear, Tommy. And I just had this disgusting moment in my head where I sort of forgot where I was and I thought, this is a fan. This is someone who's coming to say g'day. And then I look up and I notice that he's wearing the Apple shirt. He's like, so what's wrong with your iPod today?

And then was just berating myself in my head going, you vain little man. I'm in the Apple store and someone's going to come up to me and tell me they like my work. And then a minute later, it's actually happened for real. So just I don't know what the lesson is there yeah well i feel quite awkward i think this is the worst thing about doing this bit up the top of the show when we talk to each other and just ignore the guests today we're doing it in someone else's house yeah we really need to just we really need to reassess how we do things on this show it just looks like we've we've we really want to do this show as a

live show so we've just invited ourselves into someone's house and gone, you just sit there and listen. Yeah, and we've had 50% of the audience walk out, so it's not going great. Today on the show, returning guest, I was just saying it's been two years to the week since her last and first appearance on the show. You know her from Winners and Losers. Please welcome back into the little dum-dum club, Denise Scott. Yeah. Thank you, and what a pleasure it is to be here.

And I'm enjoying your anecdotes. Oh, Denise Scott. Yeah. Thank you and what a pleasure it is to be here. And I'm enjoying your anecdotes. Oh, thank you. You sat in the chair for the whole one. You know, that was good. Yeah, yeah. I didn't walk out like my fellow guest. It is her house. It is indeed.

Yeah. Also joining us in her own house, please welcome into the Little Dum Dum Club for the first time, Judith Lucy. Yeah. So weirdly I don't feel that I am Joining you I feel you've just sort of broken into my house More than anything

And then I agree with you In terms of you know just sitting there Talking for a while before you chat to the guests Is weird I would have done that beforehand Yeah it should have been a pre-record, shouldn't it? Maybe. That's the exciting and also frustrating thing about new media

is that we're just blazing a trail here. We're making the mistakes for other people who podcast alone. See? I think the other thing, sorry, Scotty, I was just going to say is I was sitting here thinking, should they be doing material about stuff that happens when you get older, when their two guests are quite a bit older than them.

That was something that popped into my head, Scotty. I don't know. Classic Gen Y over here. He's going, oh, I think I'm too old for Tamagotchis now. Can you swear on the show? Because I just want to go get fucked at that point. Pretty much. Yes, and I felt the inclination to slap your face, Tommy.

This is a good start. You're forgetting your keys, oh, poor little boy. I'm not forgetting them. I don't know where they are. Oh, you don't know where they are. See, I forgot what your problem was. That's how I'm going to am. Why don't you mistake your testicles for your keys?

That'll be a problem. Learning a lot of lessons here today. Yeah. And, you know, I'm glad we decided to book Judith for this episode because it would have been weird to have recorded this episode without her in our house. That's true. I think we've done the right thing.

It would have been very awkward, yeah. This is a lot nicer than my house where we, and your house also, where we normally record. So maybe we can try and work out. This is the new podcast city. This is the new podcast city. Have you ever thought of subletting your house out to podcasts? No, that's not going to work. No, okay. Have you ever thought of subletting your house out to podcasts?

No, that's not going to work. No, okay. Mainly because I just have so many men in and out here the whole time. It's a miracle. In fact, I had to kick 30 guys out before you got here. Were they podcasters as well? No, they were just sleeping with me. Bang!

That's old technology. Yeah, not like this thing. Judith, I want to say at the top of the show, because I've never met you before, and I've been in and around comedy, not for that long. It's exciting for both of us. It is good. But I just want to say I really loved your book.

I haven't read your latest book. Oh, excuse me while I'm talking. But the family alphabet. Oh, Carl loves Judith. I loved it. Thanks very much, Carl. Did it make you feel better about your own life and your own family? That's how most people respond.

That's the thing, because I feel bad about, like, I want to pay you the compliment, but it's sort of like saying, hey, I really enjoyed your shitty life in your early years. Like, I enjoyed your pain, you know, and it cheered me up on a stopover in Kuala Lumpur, you know, all the bad things that happened to you. Great. Well, it's all about turning your lemons into lemonade, Carl. Lemonade and just cold, hard cash. See, I've had a shitty childhood

that I've been able to exploit for years, which is so much better than people who have shitty childhoods and, you know, just, what, get stuck with therapy. I've at least produced some money out of it. Well, I'm probably not going to read Tommy's book The Tale of the Lost Keys. That's been his biggest problem in 26 years. Yeah, yeah.

No, that'll be a chapter in the memoir. I'll try and egg something out of that. Put it towards the back. That's more as a children's book. That's more as maybe a five-page book with a big print. A pop-up book with a key. Are the keys like, are they like anthropomorphic?

Do the keys like talk? Do they have little eyes? I'm not going to write the fucking book for you. I'm just trying to spitball some ideas off her. You've been published. Tell me what it takes to get in the door. We've both been published and we've both found it excruciating and I think if we come up with any ideas,

we'll be hanging on to them for grim life. You bet we will. Well, we were just discussing today, Judith and I think if we come up with any ideas we'll be hanging on to them for grim life you bet we will we were just discussing today Judith and I how we've got nothing have we not a thing nothing left in the tank that's it because after you write um not one but two memoirs that's it you've done your life and uh and there's nothing, except for stories such as losing Keith. I nearly fell off the seat. Isn't that hilarious? Didn't I, Judith? At lunch today, we were at the local coffee shop

and I nearly fell off my seat. Well, there's a story there. You see the beginnings of a story. We'll know you guys are desperate when doing this podcast is a chapter in both of your next books. Oh, my God, I've got it first. Really, at lunch we were coming up with ideas because Scotty's going overseas later on in the year.

We thought maybe that could be something. Well, yes, I'm going to a marm. I know. Go figure. And you do hope that something happens there. You hope it's not a nasty incident. Exactly, that there's not a fatality, for instance.

Although, you know, someone you don't know very well, maybe. Yeah, I mean, it's like David Sedaris, who I love. He's sort of gotten to the point now where his new stories that he writes are just about going and doing his book tours. This is it. This is what started our conversation.

Boomerty bang, Tommy. We're on such a wavelength. We were talking about David Sedaris' latest book, which I haven't read. But you can still put shit on stuff you haven't read. Oh, I'm all for judging things you know nothing about. Yeah, we love it. We love criticising things we haven't seen or read. But he has.

He's exhausted his supply of stories, and so now he is literally writing about his missing keys. Yeah. You know, I'm fantasising because I've been feeling a bit poorly lately to the extent where I'm having some blood tests done this afternoon, and fingers crossed. I had that exact same thing, yeah. I find that with the podcast, because to be honest,

me and Tommy probably talk, our stuff's a bit more superficial on stage. You guys talk about your lives, whereas in the podcast, we've tended to start to talk about our lives a lot more. And it's like, we've got an episode we've got to record on Tuesday. I just start catching trams at midnight and going to Footscray and start going, well... Can I give you some advice? What worked for me was being drunk for about 15 years. That really generated a hell of a lot of material. Hey, if it helps the podcast.

That's right. You're a team player. Yeah, that's it. But it's interesting that you guys are just kind of feeling this now with the book stuff because I feel that just with stand-up, with having to try and write, if you're trying to do a show every year in the comedy festival, that thing of just going to the doctors and going,

this will be good. Bring it on. I hope he's in a bit of a funny mood today. I hope he says something a bit silly about me. Well, is it a bit like because you're talking about your life on stage and you're being raw with a lot of your stories, both personal stories that both of you tell on stage, when you're doing it over and over, I sort of imagine,

sometimes I feel like I get on stage and I tell the same joke over and over and over not on the same night obviously but you know over the years and whatever but I feel a bit like oh god have people heard this before is there ever a point where like Judith you're getting on stage and going you know it was Christmas when I was a kid and I found out I'm adopted and people are like heard it mate we fucking heard it you're still going

on about that this is it is like you were just eavesdropping the entire day because Scotty and I were also talking about that this is it is like you were just eavesdropping the entire day because scotty and i were also talking about that earlier really and uh and i was actually just approached to be involved with something that's a christmas special and i had to go no because i cannot tell that story again i simply cannot and that it's yeah you I mean, obviously we all do it. I mean, you write jokes and like if you, you know, tour a show, you do wind up telling the same joke a number of times.

And I think it's kind of okay up until you get to the point where you start thinking, I will feel ill if I say this one more time. Because most of the time people haven't heard it before. I mean, the majority of the audience won't have heard it. But once you start feeling like I just can't, those words cannot come out of my mouth one more time, do you reckon, Scotty? Oh, yes. In fact, was it last week I did your room,

the Felix? Two weeks ago, yeah. And the whole day I was in the fetal position thinking, I just can't say these words one more time. And so then I thought, well then, what's the lesson? That's how I talk to myself. I always use that voice when talking to myself. So what lesson is there for you?

Why don't you write a new joke? Just one. Just one new joke for the gig. Just put your best foot forward. But I couldn't think of a fucking joke. It's like I would write a joke because I argue with myself. I would write a joke if I could think of one, but I've got nothing.

I've got nothing to write. But I did end up uh the one about the little girl rolling on the oranges yeah oh and it was i won't say it now because you don't want to give away great material like that but there's quite a few thousand people there at that gig it was there were a few thousand and um but i did it but it's no it's it's the smallish gigs that are i reckon the most confronting and challenging. And what I loved about doing that gig was that I didn't end up doing much material at all because they were chatterers.

And, oh, bless them. Anything better than wheeling out the old jokes. So I get really excited when I can just talk my way through it. Oh, they loved it. I mean, not to pump up your tires too much. I mean, I love Judith's book, but you know, that night, the audience, I think they were begging you to go back on stage. Oh, they were, Judith.

Of course they were. You're begging me. Please go back on stage. Now, Denise, you're filming at the moment. You're filming Winners and Losers. Yes, that's correct. And all of my research for this show always goes just straight to IMDb. Now, you've done a lot of drama and stuff like that, but not as much.

I have not. Haven't you? What do they say I've done? That's what IMDb says. What the hell, unless I've forgotten it. Well, a lot of acting, sorry. Haven't I? Haven't I? Haven't I?

You just consider everything that's acting to be drama like it's high school? I don't think I have. It's TV. What is it? Carl, do you know? Can you get onto that site? I will.

What does it say I've done? Okay, I'll tell you exactly what it says. Blue Heelers. I've done an episode of Blue Heelers. Yeah, well, what's that? That's drama? Well, yeah, what was it? That's dramatic. It was dramatic. People being arrested? There's crimes being committed. Yeah, well, that's... What's that? That's drama? Well, yeah, what was it? That's dramatic.

It was dramatic. People being arrested? There's crimes being committed? Yes, I played somebody's mother. Can you believe that? Some criminal's mother in that. Can't believe me and Tommy missed out on that one. But Winners and Losers is the first series I've done.

The first... Oh, first regular series. Well, here's one thing that you both share on the IMDb, which I'm very, very curious about, is you were both on the... Is this both the same episode? You both did Australian Idol in 2004. Is that right?

Oh, for God's sake. That makes me feel sick. I think I've asked the right question. I think I feel sicker. Oh, yes, it would. Because it was during the heady days of my breakfast radio when I was on Today FM in Sydney. That was a difficult 12 months and there were many, many embarrassing things that occurred

during that year. You know, you're able to say no to, well, they don't like you to say no to anything, but then every now and then you would really just have to say yes so the two things that were absolutely beyond my control were i did that and i'm sure there's footage of it somewhere there was an ad that myself peter hellyer and kaz cook did where we all danced with an animated purple hippopotamus that's something i'd rather not think about and the other thing of course, when you're on commercial radio, you have to cover all the reality television programs.

We, of course, did Australian Idol, but our Australian Idol correspondent was Miss Denise Scott. Oh, right. Yes, which meant I'd go on your show every week and talk about Australian Idol. And may I say, she did a magnificent job. But this meant that when they asked us to go inside the Australian Idol household. Oh, they had a big brother sort of a thing, did they? Yes.

Right. But myself, Pete, Peter Hellyer and Denise, that's where we were. Surprised them. Yes. And boy, were they surprised to see me. They had no idea who I was at all. I think they were struggling to know who any of us were. They would have known Pete from Rove.

Didn't we have a birthday cake? Yes. Was it someone's birthday? I have a very vivid memory. In fact, something that, you know, with all the brain cells I've lost over the years, you would think that this memory might have gone. But no, it's going to be with me until the bitter end. I remember walking down a very long staircase with a cake with sparklers on it.

And I remember I was wearing high heels and I actually remember having the thought, I could die here. I could, because I'm not very good in high heels i could trip on the steps i could be impaled on a sparkler and this would be the last thing that i would ever do it was it's not a good memory but thanks for bringing it up i'm surprised they didn't all know you from your dramatic roles denise exactly from drama class so all right moving on um imdb also tells me uh or Wikipedia maybe. I did like this line about you, Judith, just the way that it's been phrased.

I just like the, because, you know, sometimes you'll put a fact on Wikipedia and then someone else will put a second line onto it, whatever. Sure. And it just feels like one of them because it says. I feel a little nervous and sick, but do go on. That's what it's doing, but it just says, the way it's worded, I like. It says about you, as of August 2009, Lucy became a regular cast member on Rove, replacing Dave Hughes.

Second line, the Rove program ended in November 2009. Now, it's interesting because I remember that when it was announced that Rove was ending, it was either Hamish or Andy who said to me, are you the Yoko ono of uh australian comedy because the the late show ended the year i joined it so i am the kiss of death having said that it went for two years that well i joined in the second year you see so it might still be going now if i hadn't joined i think that's the point yeah no no the late show i mean that was that was such a...

I mean, I think I was about 17, 18 when it ended and I just remember going, why? Why did it end? I just never... I could never come across... Because Judith was on it. Right. That's right.

I am. I'm poison. Well, I remember someone saying to me, going, oh, it must have been her. Like, I think her and Mick must hate each other. I saw them on the show once and they didn't look at each other very nicely i cannot tell you how often people said to me during that year friends and strangers either you and mick hate each other or you're sleeping together right and i can honestly say that neither of those things were true so yeah no i don't know what

that was i mean we slept together later, but we didn't sleep together that year. It didn't break up the show. It made sure Cracker Jack 2 didn't happen, but it didn't break up the late show. That's true. There was actually a very lovely moment the other day because Scotty and I are currently doing a show together and we do do a bit of a Q&A at the end of the show and someone in fact asked if I was the mother of mixed twins. Oh! So, you know. at the end of the show and someone in fact asked if I was the mother of mixed twins. Oh.

So, you know. That's not a question that you can sort of go, oh, is it? You'd be more likely to go, oh, I wonder who's the father. You're not saying who's the mother. It's pretty evident who a mother is. I think they were being a bit zany. Oh, right. Okay.

I think every Q&A I've been at, like everything i've been in where they've had a q a where the person running it has explicitly said don't ask things like this someone always ends up doing it like i went and saw the daily show get taped right and it was like someone was going don't when john stewart comes out he'll ask you know you can ask him questions don't just ask him to get you a gig or how you get on the show because that's there's ways to do that this isn't the place first bloke first bloke who gets the things like yep um so i really want to work on this show uh how i've got my resume here how do i and everyone just in the room going you're a fucking idiot that's how we all start out isn't it just q and a can i just finally finally some shows yeah we're

short three writers for tonight yeah first people to put your hand up yeah it should work that way well we'd have a lot more, it should work that way. Well, we'd have a lot more chance of getting work. That's what I mean. We had in our Q&A, Judith and I in the show we're currently doing. The Spiral. Yeah, still performing around Australia. See, we're good at getting in our parks. No, Brisbane this week.

Brisbane this week. See, we're good at putting it out there. No, Brisbane this week. Brisbane this week. But one of the questions was from a woman in the audience, maybe a woman in her 60s. She said, now, which one of you slept with the man from the Cook Islands? No, she didn't say which one of you. She said, now, I'm just wondering whatever happened to the man from the Cook Islands? No, she didn't say which one of you. She said, now, I'm just wondering whatever happened to the man you were with from the

Cook Islands. And so I looked at Judith thinking it must be her or Judith looked at me and we're like, what? And she said, one of you definitely, I heard one of you definitely slept with someone from the Cook Islands. And I've always wondered what happened at the end of that relationship and we're like wow lady anyway whatever we months go by and i just did adam hill can i just say it is quite common to be i think we've both been mistaken and

this happens i don't know if it happens as often to male comedians but every female comedian i know has been mistaken for every other female comedian and female presenter in Australia. I've been mistaken for everyone from Wendy Harmer to Julia Zemiro. Right. So, you know, but carry on. So it is quite common. I just like the way this question starts with,

which is big fan. Anyway, whichever one of you this is. Yeah. And then anyway, I was just talking about it at, this is actually a really boring story. I'm really sad I started it. Lose some keys in the story just to spice it up a bit. We might find the key midway through the story.

But I was at Adam Hills doing that show recently and mentioned this story and it was edited out of that show. So why I'm trying it again. I don't know. Why are we getting hillsie slops? This is like a missing person's report. He's just hoping to track down this guy. Maybe he listens to the show and he'll come forward.

But I did tell about this question being asked and then it turned out that one of the producers for Adam's show came up to me and said, that was me. I was the woman who slept with the man from the Cook Islands. And I'm like, well, because she was on a radio show a few years ago and, you know, you need your story, your personal story arc. And it was Mix, I think she was on at the time.

What's her name? I can't remember. Oh, we must give away. Anyway, so she began telling and she became engaged, the time. What's her name? I can't remember. Oh, we must give away. Anyway, so she began telling and she became engaged, the guy from the Cook Islands. Then the radio show was axed and so none of the listeners

ever got to hear what happened. Oh, look, just edit this out. Will you promise? No, this is a good... It was bad. What? It's a good example of failure? Chapter for the memoir.

Good chapter for the memoir. Go to the Cook Islands. Do you know what we should have done? Because I have to say when people did that to me in the past where they'd say, oh, I love that joke or I loved you, I love that show you do on SBS with the musicians, I would actually say, no, that's actually Julie's America. Now I don't bother.

Now I just go, thanks. So we should have gone with the Cook Islands. Yes. I should have said, well, I'm pregnant. Yeah. You know, we should have gone with the Cook Islands. I should have said, well, I'm pregnant. We should have just gone with it. Yes, I get mistaken for Jane Clifton. So I'm always getting, oh, I loved you in Menopause, the musical. And I always go, thank you.

I had a ball doing it because I never was in Menopause. Well, I've been in Menopause. I'm finished, Menopause. But the been in menopause. I'm finished. Menopause. But the musical. Oh, look, I'm going to stop talking. I like it when it crosses over, not just that you're saying,

oh, I love you in this and you accept it. I like it when you see people where it's gone one step further and they've gotten the photo. A friend of mine from Sydney, his name's Angus, he has quite long curly hair and he was at a bar on Sunday night and a group of people came up and they're like, it's fucking Wolf Mother. It's Wolf Mother. And they just, he's like going, I just posed for eight separate photos with a room full of people who think that I'm Wolf Mother. I don't even know his name.

But like he, beyond the the hair like his hair's not even that big he looks not not even close and just knowing that those people are going to get up the next day and go check it out met wolf mother last night and then go you out of your mind you won't be able to experience that moment that's that's the bad thing about not pranks like that but moments like that is not getting to see the other side of it. Have you ever been mistaken for anyone, Tommy? No. No. I guess it's a bit harder

maybe when you're a young-ish male. It's a bit different. I don't know. No, I don't know. No one's ever No one knows who you are I guess to start with, so they're not going to mistake you for... I get mistaken and I hate admitting this because it's so unflattering for the German,

do you call her the Chancellor, the Ex- Angela Merkel. Angela Merkel, yeah. And when I went to Berlin to visit our daughter, she was living there, people would do double, I'd be on the train and people would do double takes. She was living there. People would do double, I'd be on the train and people would do double takes. Yeah, Angela Merkel.

You never told me this. Yeah. Who's Angela Merkel? She is like, it's not the prime, I forget what the title is in Germany. She's a top lady. I'm going to look her up. Yeah, look up what her title is. Ex-chancellor isn't right, but she's...

I want to say Chancellor. Chancellor. Why would she be an ex? I don't know. She's still there. And she's like, she runs Germany, basically. Yes. Oh, right.

Okay, that's what you need to say. She's the CEO of Germany. I don't understand the other words. She's got Julia Gillard. I see it a little bit. Oh, yeah. Don't say that. I mean, no, I can't see the other words. She's got Julia Gillard. I see it a little bit. Oh, yeah. Don't say that. I mean, no, I can't see that.

Wow. You're so much better looking. Hotter. I can see a little bit how people would think that. I think it looks like Julia Zemiro. Yeah. Before. Good save.

Before. Hey, look, this is something that's, you'll be impressed with this sort of talk. I'm sure you two refined ladies. But we were really happy last week on our show. We found out we had a picture, we had our picture appear, as you ladies would have had at some stage,

in People magazine. People, not the American version, obviously, the Australian version. We had, we got sent a picture that we were in People magazine very curious to find out why you've bought this up well this is what's happened so we appeared in that we found that quite funny

in the midst of all the other ridiculousness that happens in that magazine but of course because you want to keep a copy of it you've got that embarrassing thing of having to go in and buy it and whatever. Is that the sexy magazine? Yes, not the American. It's got sexy girls.

Yeah, like Picture and Zoo and... Nuts. Nuts, that's the English version? Yeah, it's like three bucks. It's like a real low rent, softcore. Not even softcore. So what was your picture? The newer version of the Australasian Post.

There's no Enemoga pub. There's more topless ladies. So we had a picture in there saying with some fake letter, obviously, going in there going, hey, I need to know what podcasts are. What's one, guys? Which no one's sending that letter in. From Dick in WA, by the way.

Was the name attached to that letter? I think he slept with someone from the Cook Island. Not from Cunnilingus in Currumburra. Got to use that word. Anyway, we'll talk about that later. It's making a comeback with Michael Douglas. That's a good day when you can see that in print in the paper. So, Tommy, we bought a copy and I sort of thought I'd better go and buy one before they run out this week

because they're only out for a week. So I thought I'd better get another copy because we've offered to send... Because print media is really... Yeah yeah i'm still figuring this thing yeah print media yeah um so i went into the server and they had them beside the uh the assistant and i went in to buy one i'm sitting there looking and scanning and and it's not there and i said to the guy hey do you still have do you still have the people magazine like Because that's always an awesome question, as if he's going to go, of course I've got heaps of them,

I keep them under the counter, because otherwise they'd get sold. So he was like, no, no, no, but there's plenty of Picture and Zoo magazines and stuff there left, so if you want to grab them. And I was like, oh no, no, I don't want them. Like I'm a pervert.

I'm a connoisseur of homegirls. It might have been worse. It's not like you were saying, oh, you're out of knocked up hookers. I mean, it could be worse. That's all I'm saying. The makers of People have done their readers a lot of favours by calling the magazine that. Very low-key name. Yeah, yeah.

Right, right. So it could be any people. It just happens to be people without any clothes on. Yeah. So I was like, no, I don't want any of those ones. And he's like, oh, okay. And then I'm like, as an afterthought, I sort of felt a bit stupid that I'm there buying nothing.

So I just grabbed a copy of The Herald Sun and bought that instead. And then I walked out and sort of thought, the impression this guy's got is that I really wanted this porn. And then I didn't have it. It wasn't there. So I just grabbed the Herald Sun going, oh, there'll be something good in that. I can't look at boobs.

Well, I guess I'd better find out what's going on in the world. Well, I just thought I'd better just read Andrew Bolt's column. So, yeah. The good news is no one ever thinks about you as much as you think they do. Yeah. That's it. Yeah. He wouldn't have given that a think they do. Yeah, that's it. Yeah. He wouldn't have given that a second's thought.

Well, hopefully not. You asked before if I'd been mistaken for anyone. I haven't told this on the show yet. This is the closest sort of thing I've had recently. During the Comedy Festival, I was talking with another comedian. He was sort of saying, you know, because this year during the Comedy Festival, there are a lot of kind of very, like, kind of new guys that kind of had these really big years, like your Ronnie Changs and your Matt O'Kines got a lot of success and sold out their venues and moved to bigger venues.

And this person was saying to me and going, ah, you know, it's all well and good, these guys that get really big really early on in their careers, and that's great and good for them and stuff. But, you know, it's kind of not for me. I'd rather be a guy that sort of you know it takes a bit longer to click you know someone who's you know working hard for maybe a good you know 10 or more years and a bit of a bit of a you know someone a slow burn someone who takes them a really long time to kind of to kind of crack into anything and then they've turned and and just looked at me and in my head i'm going don't don't do it and they've gone oh yeah a bit like you a bit of a bit of a tommy dasolo that's the kind of career i want i'm going don't don't do it and they've gone oh yeah a bit like you a bit of a bit of a

tommy dasolo that's the kind of career i want i'm like is this is mine a slow burn or is it me just trying to strike the match and getting no traction on it like i don't think that's that don't think that's really settled that's the closest i've come to being mistaken for someone is the punchline to someone's story of how they don't want to be successful. You were nearly mistaken for someone with a career. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So, yeah, that was good. I reckon I'm pretty much queen of slow burn. Really?

Like, you probably will argue with me, Judith, but... Yeah, I would. Because you always say this. It's really taken me a long time to get people to come to my shows and stuff. No, I think that. Oh, anyway, that's how I feel. I would argue that, you know, you did have some children in there and really spent a lot of time bringing them up.

All that time you spent in the Cook Islands as well. Yeah, yeah, that's correct. But, no, I think I'm pretty much queen of slow burns. And getting people, yeah, to come to your shows, it takes a lot of work. Yeah. A lot of work. So, yeah, good on you, Tommy.

I'm sticking in. I've got no other skills is what it basically boils down to now. We're all in that boat. A number of times we've talked about doing something else and realised there are simply no other options. And that's what makes a good comedian, is having no other skills, because you will never leave your craft.

Yeah. Because no matter how much you want to, you've got nothing else you can do. You can't even... I bet... Can you do barista work? Do you know how to make a coffee? I did get a...

No, I don't think I can. I don't think I could. That's nothing. Not unless it was like... Is there a job for Mario Kart playing? Because I reckon you'd be close. I don't think I could. That's nothing. Not unless it was like... Is there a job for Mario Kart playing? Because I reckon you'd be close. You'd be close with that. You've been bringing that up a lot recently, I've noticed.

That's my image of you at home all day, just sitting there, trying to get out of the way of mushrooms. Yeah. That does happen a bit. That's some young person's reference. Yeah, my eyes just glazed over at that point. I realised even if I wanted to do bar work, my RSA

has expired, my Responsible Serving of Alcohol Certificate. That's gone, so at the very least I need to go back and get that again. Yeah, I think that's getting in the way of me. I've got too many skills. That's the load I bear. What are they, Carl? I'm just out of

interest. I'm a fully qualified graphic designer. Wow. That is impressive. And so what does a graphic designer do then? It's a pity this isn't on camera because I've actually just sat in my chair. You've sat bolt upright. And I've just gone, well, in God's name, why are you doing comedy?

We have no choice. I know the answer to this, Judith, and I'll answer it. Bad breakup was why I started doing comedy. Is that fair? That's a story you've told me. But it's not why I quit my job. I didn't have a bad breakup and go, right, this is bad, but I'm going to make

everything a lot worse. I've told the story on the show before, but this is, okay, sure. It's quicker. You guys look like a lot more interested than you were in my porn stories from before, so let's do that. We're both set up now. Yeah. No, what happened was, brief wrap up of what happened was, i was dumped quite harshly um uh eight years ago eight years ago i think by by a long-term girlfriend um it was a long distancing at the

time i went to pieces uh i had quite a long time where and in the next week i lost my job um so i had no and for some inexplicable reason, I was living with someone I didn't know in Williamstown, probably 30 kilometres from anyone I'd ever heard of or met before. And I was just sitting in this house all day every day going, I don't know what I'm doing with my life. And then towards the end of the funk that I had about three to six months or something of just me every day going, what am I doing with my life?

At the end, I went, you know what, I'm going to do these different things. I'm going to try different things just to try and break myself out of this funk. One of them was to do a stand-up comedy gig. The other one was to try it for Big Brother. And I did them in the same week. Wow. Yeah. And did you get very far with Big Brother?

no no I didn't it was and stand up won well the highlight very quickly the highlight of that tale was of trying it for Big Brother was

them saying hey we want you to tell this knockout story this crazy great story you've all got a great story in you something really weird something out there and literally we went down the line and the people before me were

oh one time I broke my leg oh my dad's a dentist and I'm literally thinking I'm going to beat this story they're crap stories, they're not weird stories so then I sort of went ha here's my story guys, one time not that long ago I was walking home from the pub with my

friend and we saw a house and it was lived in by junkies and we went hey Ha! Here's my story, guys. One time, not that long ago, I was walking home from the pub with my friend and we saw a house and it was lived in by junkies and we went, hey, and we walked in there and I shat on their bed. Wow. I didn't get through to that series. Yeah. Not that year. Did you think that through?

No. Well, I thought they said weird, knockout, crazy story and I was like, that's wilder than someone's dad being a dentist, surely. And this is, of surely and this is of course this is years before you went to try and buy People magazine and they were sold out

so you didn't have that up your sleeve you didn't have that dynamite tail up your sleeve exactly I had my keys on me and everything I didn't have any

any other stories I am just sitting here going I don't care who lived in that house why are you shitting on some poor person's bed yeah so someone's got

a drug addiction and you say, I'll show them. What? And my, and this, the context was I was applying to live in someone's house.

And that was my story. This is what I do with people I don't know. I do, I have this behaviour. Yeah, so, no, I didn't get, I didn't get through. That's why I had to do comedy. It was one of two things. It was Big Brother or comedy. Well, Big Brother's behaviour. Yeah, so, no, I didn't get through. That's why I had to do comedy.

It was one of two things. It was Big Brother or comedy. Well, Big Brother's losses. Yeah. The comedy world's gone. Yes, that's for sure. Yeah. Oh, goodness me.

I would have loved to have known you in that time where you were just really unravelling. You probably wouldn't have wanted to invite me around. Yeah, no, well, definitely not. Yeah. Not if you're going to shit on the bed. No, no. They couldn't have

and you know and the realisation of even me retelling that story now and your reaction. Yeah, I don't think you should ever tell that story.

Let alone to try and get on a television program. But that was me back then going oh this is literally going to knock everyone out and just the look

on everyone's faces and the three teenagers with clipboards that were sitting there in front of me listening to the story, and you couldn't see them, but the movements, they were just like, how can you make a bigger cross? Can you fill an entire paper with a cross? But at the end, and again, I'm sorry for the listeners who have heard this story before, but my favourite bit after that was at the end of the audition where we all stood in a line. And we had numbers stuck on our chests so that the clipboard people could sit there and go,

Oh, 2109, shit on a bed, no, cross. 2200, he didn't shit on a bed, he's in. The girl I've been sitting next to the whole time... She had her pants. No, didn't have a story. Didn't have a great story like me. Of course, not after yours. Yeah, you'd be a bit scared trying to top that one.

So, she had a long overcoat on. She hadn't participated in any of the games, any of the trials, hadn't had a story at all. When they said, everyone line up and we'll pick the ones we want to pick, she took off her raincoat and just had like a bikini boob tube thing on with fake breasts and just stood there for three seconds while people did the judging and then she closed up the, they said, oh, by the way, here's all the people that got through, name the people, she wasn't one of them, put the

raincoat back on and walk straight out. Now, the whole process of the audition had gone for four hours. So she sat there and didn't say a word and didn't participate for four hours. Big finish. The big finish. Saving the big finish. Yeah, she wanted to end strong and it didn't quite get her over the line. Did she have pants on?

Yes, I would have remembered're not being pants on just and i doubt i'd say she would have got through if she wasn't wearing them so i would have remembered that too but um yeah so that was um i think three days later i did my first gig as stand-up and it went better than i didn't tell that story on stage so it went slightly better yeah so that's maybe if i had told that story i would still be a graphic designer if i had told that story of my first gig that would have been a much more successful career and you got a tattoo in that time as well oh man i'm sounding really pathetic i love it period of my life i love it no it sounds like you got your midlife crisis

what was the tattoo what is the the tattoo? Oh, God. I'd rather just make up a sports car that I bought instead. It's a back tat of the moment that you took the shit on that bed. It's a portrait of yourself. It's a back tat of the mattress. And then I invite girls around to take a shit on my back now. Oh, man. This is getting worse. We're all sorry it went there.

But I mean, that really, that story, I love it. Like, you in that time. Because I'm, that's going that time because I'm I'm that's gonna happen I'm gonna have a breakdown like that no no doubt about it

how old are you I'm 26 okay that happened at age 28 oh okay so you've got two years to gear up to that get excited Tommy

yeah and I reckon it'd be if yeah if me and my girlfriend split up I reckon that I reckon that would be it oh I went to water

it was the worst period of my life. It was that horrible, you know, cliched thing of, you know, you're hearing stories about, you know, love songs on the radio, and you go, oh, I finally get it, you know. But then there's also the thing of, oh, jumping off the West Gate, I understand that theory now. Yeah. Yeah, I get it now.

I totally get why people would do that. Yeah. I'm kind of excited about it. Yeah. A little bit. A little bit? Yeah. It seems like it would shake things up a little bit, why people would do that. Yeah. I'm kind of excited about it. Yeah. A little bit. A little bit? Yeah. It seems like it'd shake things up a little bit, like it'd at least be interesting.

Broken hearts do shake things up. Yeah. That's for sure. I don't know if I would at least be, like, present enough to think, this is going to be great once I get to the other side. Yeah. This is a whole festival show, for sure. I didn't have comedy then, so all I was doing was sitting in my room and, oh, God, I don't know what I was doing.

What about you guys? Any breakdowns you feel like talking about? Oh, well, you know, we have. That's the problem. We've put them in our books. We've talked about them on stage. That's why we're forced to tell stories about the Cook Islands that go absolutely nowhere. That didn't even happen to you, yeah.

Because that's it. Well, you can use that one in your next book. You know, you can use that story, say it happened to you, you're at Big Brother Audition. That's a lovely suggestion. It's a sentiment. One I might not be taking you up on.

What about just going back to the Q&A thing? Like, have you had, is it screened well or are you getting any weird questions? It's not screened. It's live comedy, Tommy. Okay. But I mean, like I've been at things where there's a Q&A and someone's desperately putting their hand up and you can see whoever's running around the. It's just us.

Oh, really? Oh, okay. So, no, there's no screening. You can ask whatever you like. Yeah, I think I'm... Sounds like a good invitation. Yeah, I feel like if... I can't help but recommend to people

that come to the show, I feel a little bit scared in that I'm giving, you know, top quality gold stories here today and you guys are sort of not, you know, into it. You know, stories about Big Brother and shitting on things and whatever.

Yeah. You guys are tough judges. Those usually kill with other... Oh, but we're laughing on the inside. We really are. I'm crying on the inside. We are tough judges. No, we'll answer

anything. And in fact, I think one of the reasons we love doing the Q&A is because it actually makes us... Of course, sometimes you'll go, well, there's some shtick I can throw at that question. But the best stuff is when it is a really weird question and we actually have to think, which is something we both gave up doing a while back. What's been the most asked question so far of doing the shows? People do tend to ask about a particular costume that we wind up wearing. Ah, yep. Yes.

There's the costumes. Do they ask about... Oh, no, you tell them you've got a boyfriend. They like following up on that too. Yeah, that's been a hit. That is one of the questions that comes up when you Google Judith Lucy. It comes up, Judith Lucy married. Well, I was engaged for a while, but that was years ago now.

It's still in the top eight searches, Judith, so people want to know. Google never forgets. And then I was single for six years. I hastened to it. I had some fun along the way but you know just so I don't sound too sad but I do because it comes up I read out a bit from the book where I refer to the fact that I'm

single in the book and then I say well actually no insert city here Melbourne Brisbane men too late and admit that I have now got a boyfriend and that does generally get a round of applause which is I like to say makes me both happy and sad admit that I have now got a boyfriend, and that does generally get a round of applause. Oh, really?

Which, as I like to say, makes me both happy and sad. Yeah. That people are kind of going, at last, we never thought it would happen. And Scotty, I think quite rightly said, I think it's because you're giving people hope. I think people are looking at me and going, well, look at her.

If she can find someone after all this time. Well, you know, this is something I was talking about last night with some comics and I tend to think that a lot of people certainly in our range of quality in the scene. Our slow burners. Yeah, exactly. Our very slow, our wet matches. We,

everyone tends to have got, certainly males, tends to have very attractive girlfriends for no good reason other than there must be some silly girls that think that what we do is somehow attractive. But I'd say overall males in our scene are batting way above where we should be. Do you think that it happens like in the female?

No. It's the opposite there? It is quite the opposite. Really? It is in it's the opposite it is quite the opposite really exactly the opposite right and one of the things i loved about doing the montreal festival many years ago was actually talking to female comedians from all over the world and finding out that uh they too struggled actually to meet men so yeah it does seem to be the thing where ladies love funny men there are first ends not to be true i got in early with john found john before i started in comedy so secured my man before i went into um but you know i remember someone saying to me that she thought it was because female comics,

she had a theory, are so open and so into telling everything about their personal lives that, in fact, the mystery has gone. And that that's a very mystery and, you you know is a very sexually sexually i can't say the word but attracting sort of force and that's why we don't do so well with the men well and i think there is something to that theory because no there's nothing mysterious about about most female comedians the other theory that you get a lot is, you know, I think people think, I think sometimes, oh, look, God knows. Say it, Judith. If I had a dollar for every time I heard the word intimidating,

I would never have to work again. Why would any man find us intimidating? For fuck's sake. I don't know. They should just grow up and get a grip and not be so childish. A lot of my body parts have crawled up inside myself during this hour. But I think there might be, you know, the idea, you're obviously, I mean, you are yourself on stage, but you're yourself turned up full bore,

like, you know, to the nth degree. And so, you know, maybe there is this idea that you just, you know to the nth degree and so you know maybe there is this idea that you just you know you're this incredibly wise cracking you know i don't know i i just cried myself to sleep a lot over the years but it is it is i really knew the answer it wouldn't have taken me so long. But I remember when I started, so I was in my 30s then and had a couple of young kids and John, so meeting someone wasn't part of the plan. But I remember doing gigs where there'd be the Doug Anthony All Stars and there would be, like, the Beatles had arrived and there would be hordes

of screaming girls for them. And you'd just walk through, like, and they wouldn't bat an eyelid. No interest whatsoever. And, like, I don't know the Doug Anthonys, but there would have been no shortage of someone to... Oh, and what am I talking about? I won't say any names, but on Comedy Festival Roadshow... I thought you were going to say, oh, what am I talking about?

I slept with most of them. But, you know, when you travel with young boy comics, mostly nothing happens because you're travelling from town to town. But I have seen one particular male comedian and man. Ooh. What is it? A bird in every port? A girl in every port?

Oh, yeah. And the one time, and this is, should I say this? It's a good story. So we became this particular beautiful looking, oh, that's, anyway, lovely looking guy. From Australia? I'm not saying. And he, but yeah, every single town,

he'd meet a girl and bring her back to the hotel. So what is Arch really like? No, no. Well, maybe it is. Although, he does do rather well. He does do rather well he does yeah yeah yeah arch does and why are we talking anyway so this particular night so we used to you know make a point of noting who would come out of this guy's room in the morning and stuff and then one night we're all sitting around the rest of us having drinks and someone looks out the window and goes oh my god and it's uh this comedian and he's oh it just sounds bad but he's pushing and honestly we were all so amazed that now and this woman

looked but just delighted with the evening and we met her the next morning and but you know there was some well there were questions to be asked because we none of us have ever slept with someone in a wheelchair. Anyway, but yeah. But the girl comedians, I can't imagine that. Them sleeping with a guy in a wheelchair. I think we're getting into dangerous territory here. But no, I mean, I know in 24 years of stand-up comedy and many of those years being single, I have never picked up at a gig.

Yeah, right. Never. And I know very few female comedians who have. Wow. In fact, off the top of my head, I can't think of any. Sure, we sleep with male comedians because really at the end of the night, that's all that's left. But, yeah, no.

Well, guys, I think that does bring us to the end of the Little Dum Dum Club for another week. Judith and Denise, thank you so much for joining us. Thank you for coming into my home. Yes, thank you for having us. In podcast world. Thank you for that delicious glass of mineral water at the start of proceedings.

The Spiral is in Brisbane this week and then all over the place. And then Canberra, Sydney, Perth, Darwin. Hobart. Oh, yes. We've got heaps of listeners in Brisbane, so guys, go along and see. These ladies are awesome.

Yeah, all the dates are on comedy.com.au. You can find all that stuff there. What have we got to plug? Not much, just T-shirts and stuff. Yeah, we've still got a small amount of t-shirts left in my house that my girlfriend would love if they left. They are taking up the west wing of the

Chandler household. If they could be gotten out of that box pretty soon. There's a lot more greys than there are blues, so guys, please get into the greys. Can I make a plea to both Tommy and Carl's girlfriends never to break up with them? Yes, please. I think, Carl, would you I could plead to both Tommy and Carl's girlfriends never to break up with them. Yeah. Just having heard this story. I think, Carl, would you have a second meltdown or have you gotten past the worst of it?

No, you know, I mean, you all have fights with your partners. I reckon I've had fights before with my girlfriend and then, you know, gone. Yeah, yeah. And then five minutes later, just started to go into the spiral there. Just started to go, oh, this is just the start of it. I think I would go worse than last time. I'd have to give up comedy and start in taxidermy or something.

Just find a new career. Audition for The Voice. I don't know. I'm going to have to put the wheels in motion with Diane breaking up with you because that sounds amazing. And can I make one more plea to any man out there? Have a crack at a female comedian. Yes. Just do it. Make a female comedian's day.

Brisbane guys, you've got your opportunity this weekend. We go off like firecrackers. But we are, that is true. Anyway, get on it guys. Cool. Thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time.

See you mates.