The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 143 - Celia Pacquola & Josh Earl

Episode Date: June 18, 2013

University Meats, Brooza and Wild Things.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey, mates, welcome once again into the little dum-dum club for another week. My name is Tommy Dasolo. Sitting next to me, the other half of the show, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. Now, I can't help but notice that we are doing this at your house today. You noticed that? And we're sitting here at your kitchen table, which we've done a number of times before, and there's a giant novelty check made out for $2,000 with your name on it,

just sort of inconspicuously placed. I honestly didn't think you'd notice. It's giant. I mean, it's your class. Is there a standard size for the novelty check? I don't think there's, like, you know, where it goes A3, A2, A1, A0. That's A-15 or something, I think. Yep, sponsored by University Meat.

Quality for purpose. They've always been behind comedy. The 27th of August, 2008. That's the saddest bit. A couple of days after my birthday. Oh, really? You were the winner of the inaugural Comedy Precinct 2008 Open Mic Comedy Event. And you won yourself $2,000.

$2,000 big dollars. Yeah, I was going to ask what you bought with it, but you clearly haven't cashed it yet. No. Just saving it for the day where you'd be... Well... Yeah, the logo. The logo for the comedy precinct has comedy in inverted commas.

Yeah. As if to say... I mean, it's something that's masquerading as comedy. It's comedy-ish. Yeah. Yeah, the comedy precinct. Is there a specific reason why we're sitting here looking at this? I was cleaning up and I, you know what, it was in the other room and I thought, you know

what, I'm going to put this here just to intimidate the guests because the guests, I've seen both the guests that we've got this week on TV this week. Oh, okay. Well, let's just let them know that there's a big player in the house here too. Someone that the university meet would definitely stand behind. As if to say, what were you idiots doing in 2008? Probably earning maybe at maximum $100 in a giant novelty check. Probably not getting paid big bucks by a butcher, that's for sure.

You should make the gigs that you run, you should make the point of difference that you pay every act with giant novelty check. You should get the Carl Chandler Memorial Comedy Club. You know what the saddest bit was, apart from all of this, is that when I put it there, it just had that much dust on it. And I'm like, okay, well, that's going to be picked up upon. So then I walked out to the balcony to dust it off, and then the neighbour next door,

who's probably listening to this conversation through our paper-thin walls, I was just dusting off this giant novelty check and she just looks around and looks at me. I'm like, oh yeah, okay. And just kept going. And then five minutes later she comes back out again. She's like, oh, you've just reminded me I need to dust off my giant novelty check.

For some reason I've got this feeling I really want to buy some sausages now. I'm like, wow, university meet, $2,000 well spent there on the sponsorship. Or go and get an arts degree, one of the two. I like also that your name's written on it in text art, but there's a real, because it's like the type of it is quite thick. So to write your name in text, someone's had to do some very frantic double, triple,

because they would have written it just one line and then gone, that doesn't stand out enough. It's not thick enough. They've done that classic thing where they've started writing and gone, we haven't left enough space to finish this name. Yeah, the edge of the R is just balanced very precariously over the side of the check. I'm not sure if I brought that in, I'm not sure the bank would take it because of

that. I think that's not negotiable. We should take this check down to like Schnitz or Subway or something and try and get lunch with it after this podcast. You know what the saddest thing is? There's still more sad things about this. I know, there's nothing but sad.

I can't bring myself to throw it out. That was the thing I was thinking today. Should I throw it out? When you throw out a giant novelty check. On the night when I won it, it's like, oh great, this is great for photos and you hold it up for photos for the first five minutes and, because I've won this thing, I've had a big night out and had a lot of drinks and whatever, but the whole time I've had to carry around the novelty check, and then literally I was walking up Swan Street trying to hire a little

taxi with the novelty check, and when I missed a few, I'm like, maybe it's because they think I'm going to pay by check? Is that why I'm not getting picked up? Yeah, the giant novelty checkbook. I like, you know, you've got to hang on to it. The giant hairy novelty checkbook. You've got to hang on to it because it's like, is it like Batman in his lair?

How he's got like all the keepsakes of like his, you know, the first time he defeated the Riddler with a giant coin. Like he's got that sort of sitting there. You've got to have all of your comedy triumphs. Like one. Sipsakes of the first time he defeated the Riddler with a giant coin. He's got that sitting there. You've got to have all of your comedy triumphs. All of them. Like one. Just the one. That's it. Yeah, okay.

Well, you've got to start winning more big novelty things. Yeah, I've got to start being more successful. You're right. This is the moment I realised I should be better. What a great year it was, 2008. Today on the show, two very special old mates. You may have seen him just recently on Adam Hills Tonight. Please welcome back into the little Dundum Club, Josh Earle. Hey.

Now you, of everyone at this table, like we're doing this sort of in the morning at Carl's house and I guess for most of us, we've had to get up a bit early, but you with a child. I've been up for four hours already. Yeah, this would be a late rise for you. It's just before you go to bed. You're just fitting this in. I'm actually, by being here, I'm getting out of the day sleep put down, if that makes any sense. So I don't have to put him down for his afternoon.

I'm sorry. That just really sounds like your shit is sleeping in the day. Well, that is true. And because of Tommy's high voice, it sounds like Tommy responded to that, but that's actually the other. Yeah, this is the great thing. Also joining us, you may have seen her in the country this week on Dirty Laundry Live on ABC2.

Please welcome back into Little Dumb Dumb Club, Celia Pakola. I'm sorry for breaking the rules of speaking before I've been introduced. It's actually very good having someone on the show who's funnier than me, whose voice sounds similar to mine, because I can just take all the sweet credit for your hard work. Well, I just cannot believe you. There's got to be

some novelty check award for how much material you guys just got out of a novelty check. Yeah. Is the well dry? No. There is more. There is more. I want to ask you guys if you can remember back to what you both were doing on the 27th of August 2008. 2008.

27th of August. Oh, no. I know what you'd be doing straight after this, going to university, mate. Yeah. Yeah? I find it nice that it's a comedy precinct. That's just a terrible word for it. It's like this sort of comedy in this general vicinity.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We can't quite put our finger on it. It's a full suburb. Yeah. Slightly bigger than a food court. Yeah, slightly bigger than a food court. I honestly think 27th of August 2008, I honestly think I was breaking up with my girlfriend at the time,

on that exact day. At the same gig. After seeing me. You didn't win. Win. So she went, that's it. I want a man who can drive a novelty. No, I handed her a giant novelty bit of paper that said,

get fucked on it. Not negotiable. Yeah, I actually think that's the exact day that that was happening. Yeah. Because I remember it because it was – Open up your heartbreak diary and see. No, because it was right after my birthday and we'd had this huge fight and I went, this is enough.

And then she accused me of just having – she was like, you wanted to do this ages ago and you just stayed with me over your birthday so you'd get a present. I'm like, it's pretty sweet if I did do that. If I had done that, I would be some kind of evil genius. I've got to get out of this relationship. I've got to do something for me. I'm coming away to join the University of Meat.

Yeah, yeah. I like that much better, the University of Meat. I don't know what it is. No. My enter score wasn't high enough to get into the University. I had to go to TAFE Meat. I wasn't tasty enough, get into the university. I had to go to TAFE meet. Yeah, I wasn't... Level three. I wasn't... Adult ed meet.

I wasn't tasty enough, so I couldn't go there. Yeah. But it's a weird thing where, like, I can... Like, off the top of my head, I can say, oh, yeah, because, you know, I broke up with my last girlfriend this day. And people always find it weird that I can remember exactly when it was.

But it's, like, cemented into my mind because of that. Yeah, that is weird. I wouldn't remember unless it was Christmas. Yeah. Yesterday, ten years ago, was when I broke up. We had my big relationship breakup. Wow. Wow.

You've all got this tattooed on the back of your hand or something? Memento style. Or you're still plugging into your iCal. I must remember to leave a steaming bag of shit. When do I have to be sad again? Oh, that's right. It's in two weeks. It's a friend's birthday

is the same day. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you need a landmark. It's good to be able to remember. You just know how much distance you have. Because I was with my ex for a little while

and my girlfriend now is very competitive because that was the longest relationship I'd been in at that point. And my girlfriend now is very competitive about knowing when's the moment that we're going to clock over into this being my longest relationship. I actually think it's right after we get back from Thailand. So if we don't break up in Thailand.

And I've got a little bit of a surprise for her boogie boy bag. So we'll see how this goes. And you guys have been on holiday together before? Sort of. Oh, that's right. You met her over... Yeah, like, we haven't done a holiday where we've been on the same flight, where we've flown there and back.

Like, we've... So, maybe the plane... Like, it's always been fun. Maybe the plane. Maybe two plane trips is going to be what breaks us up. Maybe there's going to be something in Bangkok that breaks you up. Maybe, like... Like what, Carl? Like what? trips is going to be what breaks us up. Maybe there's going to be something in Bangkok that breaks you up. Maybe. Like.

Like what, Carl? Like what? I'm going to try and see if I can get up and do five minutes before a ping pong show. Really? Yeah. Do a gig before a ping pong show. I can just imagine the audience, you getting up and going, oh, no. This is going to be the worst ping pong show ever.

Oh, no. I thought you meant they're just going to see me go, oh, no. This is going to be the worst ping pong show ever. Oh, no. I thought you meant they were just going to see him and go, oh, no, not comedy. Yeah, no, I like the idea of trying that out. I saw Bart Freeburn last night. He said if you just rock up and go, can I do five minutes of comedy before this ping pong show, they'll probably go, yeah, all right. Bart would probably know that as well. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, that's why anyone else I'd go, you don't know what you're talking about, but because it's free, Ben. Now, I was saying you guys have been, I actually watched both of you guys on TV this week, which is weird because I don't really watch a lot of TV, but I've been up late and I saw the repeats. I saw you on Adam Hill's Tonight, excellent, very good, and Celia last night on Dirty Laundry Live,

which I, again, thought was very funny. The great thing that reminded me of that was a couple of weeks ago we had Lawrence Mooney on the show for listeners. A couple of weeks ago he did that. Probably the worst thing you could possibly do as a comedian when he opened the show and just said, Hey everyone, Tommy asked me for a gig on the show. I said, No, yeah. Just really dobbed him into it. What?

He said that on this show? Yes. Yeah. The microphones were on. Tommy asked me for a job on Dirty Laundry. And I said no. Yeah, he stitched me up. What are we talking about?

He stitched me up an absolute treat. Yeah, yeah. Terrible work. But I think in context it was very funny because this week, because we all laughed at that, but I also felt sorry for Tommy because it's just a horrible thing to do. But this week I got a phone call from Lawrence Mooney, came up with Lawrence Mooney. It's that thing where you go, when you're in this line of work,

you go, wow, there's a big part of me thinking, well, this is the call. You know, I'm going to be on. You know, I saw Celia was going to be on. Yeah, I know, I know. I know, but I've been going long enough to have that bit in there, but then there was a bit behind it going, don't be a dickhead. You're no good. This is not going to be that.

It's because she started with a giant novelty check. Life is good. This is not going to be that. It's because you started with a giant novelty check. Life is good. Your giant novelty inflatable phone is ringing. You see Lawrence Mooney in massive letters on the screen. Sponsored by Tafe Vegetables. Oh, they'd be a rivalry. That's much worse in both ways. So I got the call and I'm thinking, oh, here we go.

And I get the answer to the call and there's a bit of small talk or whatever. And I'm sort of thinking, is this it? And then it was like, so anyway, Carl, the reason I called you is because you run a couple of comedy nights and you'd have access to a lot of email lists with people's names. We're not getting much of an audience in at Dirty Laundry Live. So can we just have your people? I'm like, oh, not only do I not get the gig, but it's like I just need your people. Not we just have your people i'm like oh not only do i not get the gig but it's like i just need your people not you and that's film but your people a night that you actually do

a show as well yes yeah not only do you give them you actually give him your audience from five bars yes yeah yeah you're not good enough comedically yes to participate in the show but admin wise you are killing it boy howdy can you stand there with a pen and a clipboard? That is what we really are after here at Dirty Laundry Live. And it wasn't even like an ABC1 show that wanted my audience. It was ABC2, so that was the disappointing thing. But you did it in the end, didn't you? It was a Q&A.

Why aren't I getting a call from Q&A wanting my audience? I think because they rate well. Oh, good. Yeah, that was an insult to me. Good. That was an insult to him. No, was it? Yeah, it was an insult to him.

Yeah, great. Yeah, great. I'm happy. I can dish it out as good as I get it. It's one all with us and the Moon Man now, surely? Yeah. Probably not. He's still got a TV show we don't.

Yeah. Just looking at these guys here, they're on TV and we're not, Tommy. What is it? I mean, they're good looking. Oh, hang on. I figured out the problem. While we're talking about putting members of the Dumb Dumb Club in it, can I put Carl in it, Tommy?

Is that all right? Please. I would love this. This is a great thing. Love this. You know, you tell people. Hang on. You're asking permission from Tommy to hang shit on me.

Wait, hang on. I need to go away and have a think about whether I'm okay with this. I'm going to go sit in my car for 15 minutes listening to La Cucaracha and just mull it over for a bit. That's my thing to use. And don't forget to hook the exhaust up into your window. Do you have a hose I can borrow? Or is there a Bunnings nearby? University hoses, I think I can get in touch with them.

Guys, we're missing the point, which is Josh has something to drop. I can't believe we nearly let this fall by the wayside. When you're given an opportunity that's exciting. Now, you wouldn't because you get a lot of opportunities to see a little worse. So it's just like, oh, yeah, I'm doing this. I like how that's a positive but sort of framed in a bit of a negative. You get a lot of opportunities, you fucking idiot. You successful asshole.

Me being a cockhead going, oh, I'm doing this, and I'm telling all my mates going, I'm doing this. I tell Carl, I'm doing Adam Hill tonight, and he's like, how did you get that? And the emphasis being on you, not how did you get that. Yeah. So thanks, Carl. Oh, I'm sorry.

Because the way that you told me that was I saw you after it, and it's because the how did you get that has become such a running joke. So you said, oh, I just did that, and I go, oh, how did you get that? And such a running joke that it's just so you said, oh, I just did that. And I go, oh, how did you get that? And you go, the funny thing is your little mate actually did say that to me but with the emphasis very firmly placed on the you. You're normally so good at covering up your true feelings. I made two.

He knew I wouldn't take it personally. How did you, someone who has a known reputation for being completely shit, get yourself on the TV? To be honest, I think it was in the context of, I think you set it up as like musical comedy. So it wasn't like, it wasn't in the mindset of, oh, because I could have got it. It was more like, oh, well, how were you,

how did they find you out of that? So as much as I'm happy to go with the joke of me being the biggest arse of all time. And while we're here, can you get me on Adam Hill's... I'll put a word in. Okay, that'd be sweet. Ask Mooney to... Just wear... This is what happens. Everyone who works on that show is super nice. But one

thing was weird. I had to... They send you a... Don't wear grey clothing. Don't wear grey clothing, don't wear spots or stripes because it kind of doesn't look good on camera. This is why I'm not getting a gig. So I had, before I left, I went, right, that's going to be my outfit. Fine, I'll pick that out. But the shirt I wore was actually, I'd wore it two gigs ago

and hadn't washed it, so it was a bit smelly. And so I think, oh, I'll take it there. And they iron it for you. They're like, I will iron your shirt. I'm like, it, so I was a bit smelly. And so I think, oh, I'll take it there. And they iron it for you. They're like, oh, we'll iron your shirt. And I'm like, oh, I can iron it. No, no, we've got wardrobe. They'll iron it.

And the wardrobe woman brought it back and said, oh, that shirt, by the way, might want to wash that. It's really bad. And I was like, yeah, and trying to go, I just did a gig. And you're like, it's television, not smell-o-vision. So that was nice. Wow, that's a weird... Because I would think that there would be... I would think that that would be a real thing where it's kind of like a Seinfeld thing.

Like you can't... If you're ironing someone's shirt and it smells and you don't know the person, you can't say that to them. And I find generally like industry people like make up wardrobe are really good at being subtle, about being private, not wanting to embarrass you. Well, she just said it to me, though. She didn't say it in front of...

Didn't bring it out into the audience. Hey, guys. Heelsie didn't open his monologue with it. And musical comedy from bloody Pigpen over here. Was there teletext running underneath it going, or maybe in the director's commentary when it comes out on DVD, by the way, Josh Earl's shirt stunk in this episode. It was like a cartoonist doing stink lines.

He watches it back and they've gotten industrial light and magic into CGI some stink clouds around him. Wow. It's a gland issue, guys. Come on. He's gone visual. I have that issue, though, because it's such a bad look when I'm trying to choose clothes to have sweat marks on TV.

Yeah. And I sweat and I'm not about to ask them. And this is a trick. Sometimes they'll put like panty liners in under your thing. Oh. That's a thing people do. I'm not ashamed about that. What suits do you wear on TV?

Are you in a reboot of L.A. McBeal that's happening? I wish. But, yeah. I can't remember how I dropped off the end of that sentence. I forgot what it was. You sweat a lot and you smell, I think, was the point. Yeah, I'm not embarrassed by that. No, because there's nothing worse than, you know,

when you see people on TV with sweat patches and it's just, because you just go, you can't not notice it. Yeah. They don't know. Oh, my God, how embarrassing. It's the same with live on stage as well. I'm always drawn to Oh that person's sweating

Yeah It shouldn't be a bad thing It just means they're working There you go That was my bad Which is Which is also a bad thing About us having

Selling the blue And the grey shirts I think Because I don't think Grey is a friend of Sweat It's sweat Yeah

You've got to be A pretty A pretty dry That's the kind of people I want wearing My choice of shirt. Because this is... There we go. Well, this is the elephant in the room.

Yeah, we're 20 minutes in. Are we going to talk about the relative stranger that's just been sitting in your house for half an hour now? Yes. What we've done today is that we've got a friend of the show, a big listener, a big fan that we've had incessantly tweet us and stuff over the last couple of years. It's quite keen.

He's come from England to come and see some rugby and comedy stuff. He's come to Melbourne specifically, I think, for comedy, isn't it? And so he asked to come and see an episode get recorded. So I've invited Sean at Bruiser into my home, just a person I've never met before. And I've just been slowly watching the colour drain out of his face for the last 20 minutes as he realises it's not as good as I thought it would be. I could have listened to this on the plane. I could be at Healesville Sanctuary right now feeding a kangaroo.

Having said that, I feel a lot less worse about it, given the knowledge that I have that yesterday, he spent part of his time as part of the Dum Dum Reality Tour. He, on purpose, travelled to Maribor. No, you didn't. Did you take photos? No, I completely forgot. I just wanted to get out of there. Did you see Sunshine Johnson? No. No, I think he's get out of there. Did you see Sunshine Johnson?

No. No, I think it's been making it up. No. I like how Sean was like, I just want to get out of there. So a councillor's going to go, now show us on the map where Mary Barrow touched you. Oh, I did warn you not to go there. Like, surely, like, what, you went there for like an afternoon. You wouldn't have seen anything good.

You just would have seen a terrible small little town. And because you've got an accent, they would have just chased you out of the town with like fire and brimstone or whatever they do, like you're some sort of monster. Yeah, or they just, yeah, they're so not you, so it's like, oh, it's Bono. It must be Bono. He's got an accent.

Because when I was growing up, anyone that came, not like an accent, anyone that came from Melbourne or Ballarat or any sort of other town, if they come to the pub, it's like, it's punching time. Hey, just when I met you the other night, because you're from the north of... Yeah, Leeds. Yeah. Can you say, the other night you said, with your accent, you said, classic Chandler, and it was one of the best things I've ever heard. Can you give us a bit of classic Chandler? Classic Chandler.

Yeah. That is joyous stuff. That's really good. But, yeah, so you've gone to Maryborough. How long were you in Maryborough for? Just about an hour. What? Doesn't it take like two and a half hours to get there?

Well, I did the Great Ocean Road, and I had to get to Cast Main for a gig last night. So I thought I'll stop off in Maryborough on the way. I'm just going over the messages I was sending back and forth with you. And I said to you about coming to this thing saying, oh, I hope it's okay. You know, it might be worth coming for a laugh or whatever. And your response was, sounds good as long as it doesn't mean I have to go back to Maryborough. That's where my mum and dad live, by the way, just so you know.

That's great. Because you, Sean, when I was in London last year, Celia lined me up a couple of gigs that you were going to come to that I then had to pull out of at the last minute that you were very angry about because you'd nearly travelled from quite some way away to see the gig. And Celia was very angry at, because I was basically going out of my way to fucking ruin your reputation in London by getting you to hook me up with gigs and then pull out of them at the last minute.

So yeah, I don't think I can ever go back there is what I'm trying to say. There's a reason why Celia's now back in Australia, by the way. It was part of my plan. I just missed her. I just thought I wasn't even doing an ad. I paid myself to go over there and I thought

I'm going to just destroy her reputation and make her come crawling back. Well done. Yeah. But just quickly talking of interactions with people who listen

to the show. This is a thing that happened to me this week. I got a package in the mail which Tommy's got props. I'm looking forward to... First of all, it's weird any time, for me at least, that I get anything in the mail because even bills and stuff are all electronic now. So just having anything turn up in your

mailbox. By the way, can I just quickly mention before that, as you're bringing this up, I found out the other day, and I had never noticed this before, but see, this flat that I'm living in, I live in this flat with my girlfriend, and we've been living here, I think, for three years now. I found out the other day that she does not get anything delivered to this address. I didn't notice that, but she still gets everything delivered to her mum and dad, so it's like, oh, this is a strong thing. I mean, I know I haven't showed a lot of commitment over the years, maybe, but that, she's not getting any letters delivered to this address.

She's gone, when we break up, I don't want to have the stress of having to change everything. I'll just move back into mum and dad. Or what's she ordering, is what I want to know. No, just not ordering stuff, more just letters and stuff like that. What's she getting mailed? You should look. This is secrets, man. But I also like that because she doesn't get anything delivered here,

she doesn't check the mail. So it's like, oh, it's nothing for me. It's like, yes, it is because all the bills are in my name. You can pay them as well. You told me the other day that you sneak in chocolates without telling her. She's getting her mail delivered to a different address. This is a... It's some secret lives going on, isn't there?

It's a good thing you guys are going to Thailand. It sounds like you need it. You've both got some real trust issues in this relationship. You're going to Thailand. Yeah. But I thought you were going to Thailand. We're both going to Thailand. But you're going...

We're gay, everyone. We're gay with each other. Yeah. We're over here asking the big questions. You do radio in Perth, do you? Chandler over here asking the big questions. Do radio in Perth do you see me as? I'm not saying it, but you know, your mate Chandler, he's gay, isn't he?

No, but he's gay. He is, isn't he? You know, you guys work at the University of Meat, don't you? Yeah, they've got a division in Thailand. Yeah, we work in the hot beef injection division of University of Meat. We're exchange students for the Thailand University of Meat, yeah. I didn't know if this has come up yet on the thing. We haven't really talked about it. We are going independently.

No, we're going separately. Yeah, different times. Within two hours of each other. So you'll see each other at the airport? No, not even that, I don't think. Because Carl will be late because he's forgotten to be here. I'll be just getting back with my passport for the second time. I fly at 11.

What time do you fly at? Like 2. Oh, see, three hours. We're going separately, guys. Three hours apart. How are you going to handle it? It's convenient, though. It's less work of having to do extra episodes.

Like, if I was leaving the day before you got back, do you know what I mean? Yeah, it's all worked out perfectly in a way. We'll actually be there right now as people are listening to this. You know what we're going to have to bring? We're on different islands. I think we're still close enough that if we bring walkie-talkies, we can still talk to each other, maybe. Yeah, because neither of us own phones.

So that is the only way we can communicate. And the internet hasn't been invented yet. So walkie-talkies is literally the only way we can communicate. But what I was going to say was, so I get this big package in the mail, which at first I'm excited because I think, oh, this must be something I've ordered off Amazon or whatever. It might be for my girlfriend. That might be the address she's getting shipped to.

Some chocolates that she sent that she's confiscated from you, yeah. So I – but then I'm like, I haven't ordered anything. Like, what is this going to be? And then you sort of start to think, oh, is this like a weird bill or whatever? But it's like quite a bulky package. So I open it up and the first thing that falls out is this. There's like three magazines. There's three like – there's like a travel brochure for Asia,

like Intrepid Travel, the travel agency. There's like this magazine that's all in Japanese of like a – what is it? It's like a catalogue. There's like a tent and tires. What's this thing, the metal sleeping bag? Yeah, there's like a foil sleeping bag. It's like a SkyMall. This one here, which is a bag you put over the toilet

so you shit into a bag and don't flush it. Yeah, there's a whole page here dedicated to just toiletries. And then what's that one? I haven't probably looked through them yet. Celia's one is like, who knows what it is? I like the toilet shit bag because I don't understand any of the words, but it's got quite a big exclamation mark at the end of whatever it is? It's just... I like the toilet shitbag because I don't understand any of the... I don't understand any of the words but it's got quite a big exclamation mark at the end of whatever it is.

Toilet shitbag! University toilet shitbag, thanks. I just like how casually you've said that every day of your whole life. I like the toilet shitbag. Do you know the thing with the toilet shitbag? I want to buy the rope ladder that you obviously attach to the helicopter

when you're escaping at the end of a movie. I like this. There's a photo of someone climbing the rope ladder, but in case you're someone who doesn't like the real world, there's a cartoon illustrating the exact same thing next to you. No, it's not the exact same thing because that's the front on pose of the rope ladder and that's the back on pose of the rope ladder. That's what your butt looks like if you're a cartoon and you're climbing.

We've got to take a photo. We've got to scan this in so people can see it. So anyway, there's these three in there with just – with nothing, with nothing on there. No letter. And I'm going, why is this here? And I'm looking at the – you've got to write the sender. It's a name I don't recognise.

And so then this is in one of those big kind of soft packs. And then – so these three magazines. And then there's also a second like kind of postage pack that's a smaller one that's within this big postage pack it's like a babushka doll thing so i'm looking at that going this is gonna have fucking anthrax in it like this something's going on here this isn't right like i don't they lure you in with this yeah yeah i don't feel good about this at all. Like you feel at home with a shit bag. It's a toilet shit bag. So then I open that bag and these two are in there.

There's a Lonely Planet Guide to Japan and an Eyewitness Travel Guide to Japan. And I'm just like losing my mind going, what is this? Have I ordered these? Why have I been sent these? And then I look in the bag again and there's a letter, there's a typed up letter that a guy has written me saying that he saw my show in Melbourne. Tokyo?

And he said he was in a podcast where I mentioned that I wanted to go to Japan and he said, I've wanted to go for years and finally bit the bullet last year and did the Intrepid Land of the Rising Sun tour. It was a great trip with the contrast of technology and ancient cultures as well as the gracious people and amazing food. I've included some guidebooks I bought for the trip and don't need any more as well as a couple of booklets that give a view into their world.

If you do go, book into the Ghibli Museum early or you'll miss out like I did. So plan ahead, set a date to go, and you'd at least get a new comedy festival show out of it. Cheers, Peter. So it's just a guy that listens to the show that's heard me talk about wanting to go to Japan that has sent me just – How did he get your address? Well, here's the thing, because I post out my CD to people. So look, I'm very flattered by this – the guy's name's Peter.

It's a really touching gesture. It's a very nice thing to do. That being said, please, people, do not take advantage of having my address and just start sending me shit willy-nilly because... Guys, I would really like to go to Fort Knox. Do you want to send any promotional products they might have put out? Fort Knox was the first

thing you could think of. Fort Knox. What is it about Fort Knox that's so interesting to you, Carl? They have a lot of gold. Okay. Yeah. You found in this brochure that he sent me... Why is there meat in this catalogue? Like, there's all, like, you know, toilet shit bags and so on,

and foil sleeping bags, and then there's actually... Who's going to get sent... This is what's lucky for you, that you didn't get sent this meat. You just got sent stuff. He doesn't eat meat. Oh, he hasn't just ordered me stuff out of the catalogue. Toilet shit bag and a leg of ham. I was going to say, I didn't know that you were an expert on meat, but you went to

university meat. His degree's hanging there over on the wall behind Sean. Usually you have to pay the uni to go to it and they're paying me. Look at that. That's full scholarship. Just as I threw my hat in the air at graduation, they gave me the big cheque as well.

You throw a giant ham hock into the air. Steak hat. It's a really nice gesture. I'm really touched by that. I really like it. Well, you know what? That's good for you. It's a very practical kind of gift to send out.

Who can be bothered doing anything? That's really impressive. Yeah. Putting stuff in a thing and finding and hiding a thing. But also I understand it because if you've ever been on a trip and you buy a Lonely Planet and then you use it on your trip and you're done. And then it's like, this cost me $50.

What am I going to do with this now? Throw it in the face of the airline. Or you leave it sitting. You leave it sitting as you're getting off the plane on the way home. Yeah. Oh, what if that became a custom? So it's just like you get off the plane, like coming back from Japan or wherever, and the flight attendant that says thanks for flying with us is just standing

there in like a helmet or like gridiron gear and people just piving travel guides at it. Why don't they, airports should do that. Should just put a bookshelf and when you're done, put it there and then when people go through, I'll put it up and read it on the- Yeah, just travel guides and then copies of the beach. I've been to Thailand now. Yeah, yeah.

I've done the reality tour. Yeah. Well, let's see. That's good for you because you've sold your CDs and you've got your address on the back of it. Because I've been sending out most of the T-shirts. No one's sent me anything. Everyone's got my address on the back of it. Some people have threatened to do things with it.

Well, that was what Sean, you were saying to me the other day because you're wearing one of the Dum Dum Club T-shirts at the moment that we posted over to the UK for you and you're saying, oh, even if Chandler doesn't invite me to something, I've got his address so I can just turn up at his house anyway. Well, I could totally believe you you considering you went to Maryborough. I mean, why wouldn't you come here?

Because Maryborough, the Maryborough pub sent him something and that's where he knows where it is. The Bull and Mouth. You should have gone and seen my mum and dad. They would have been happy to put you up. They've got nothing to do. And was it true you had a,

because I didn't see this, we were explaining on Monday night, that you had a Team Alsop sign. Did you really? Team Alsop. Team Alsop and Team Alsop. And a Team Alsop.. Did you really? Team Alsop and Team Alsop banners. And a Team Alsop. Yep.

Wow. That's me. That's my name. What I like is that you had that ready for the gig overseas and then you brought that banner that you made two years ago or whatever. It's just a hand-drawn. It's not some awesome novelty check or something. Yeah. Just in case I don't have printers in this backwater that I'm going to.

Yeah, yeah. In case I just have to draw on bark with my own shit, I better just bring it from England. But the funny thing was that I came out at the start of the gig and you've held that sign up and I've gone, oh, there's a bloke up the back of the room just holding a piece of paper that's got my name on it. And then people have all turned around and looked at it and gone,

I thought the MC said your name was Dasolo. What the fuck's going on here this doesn't make any sense well that was the same thing because i was hosting the night and then when i saw sean uh move up towards the front and start the second half i went oh he's the guy that's i'm really into the podcast and you know you have to quickly explain to the audience oh podcast you know uh i do a thing called little number club with tommy that was on before and see this guy's really big fan of it's called little diamond club and then to explain it you stood up and sort of faced them with a T-shirt that just says, hey, mate. And I'm like, that does not explain anything.

Hey, Chandler, I'm starting to feel like we are ants under a magnifying glass sitting in your window. Is anyone else like roasting under that window? Do we want to? No, Josh is in the shadow of the $2,000 check. That's a good call. I'm going to move back into the shade. Man, I am copping it sweet back here.

Here's something I've been wanting to tell, a story I've been wanting to tell for a couple of weeks now. A buddy of mine, Sam, Sam Gray, most of us know him, friend of comedy, Sam Gray, he lost his wallet the other night. He was going to his girlfriend's house. He's gotten there. He's gone somewhere in the journey. He he lost his wallet the other night. He was going to his girlfriend's house. He's gotten there. He's gone somewhere in the journey.

He's lost his wallet. So he's with his girlfriend and he's gone, I better quickly call up the bank and cancel my credit card. So he calls up the bank and the guy was kind of being a bit funny with him, like in a kind of just a jovial kind of joking kind of dude on the phone. And to cancel your card, you've got to answer through all your security questions that you've set up so the guy goes okay one of the security

questions is what's the name of your best friend and sam thinks oh my best oldest friend is this guy called sam from brisbane who has good friends with so i'll say him so he says that name and the guy goes nah it's uh it's not that that's not the name and he then remembers that when he set the account up he was with his ex-girlfriend and he's like, oh, it's her name. So then he goes, oh, is it Trish? And the guy goes, yep, that's it. Is that an ex-girlfriend, is it? And Sam goes, yeah, and my current girlfriend's here

giving me some pretty weird looks right now. And then the girl on the phone goes, oh, mate, that is brutal. Which I love because it's like that's a great get from the girl on the phone. But then I was thinking about it and that must happen heaps where, like, dudes go in to set up their security questions and they've got their partner with them and it's like, what's the name of your best friend? And the girlfriend's going, put me on there. I'm your best friend.

Put me. Best friend is a dumb question. That, put me on there. I'm your best friend. Put me. Best friend is a dumb question. That's something that can change. Don't do that. And also – Mothers made in names. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's not secure at all.

Yeah. It's readily available information. I've lost my wallet once in London because I was so drunk. Like once ever in my life, so I'm pretty proud of that. And the only reason that I know that I lost it is I was after a gig and I got drunk and I went and got a kebab I know that I lost it is I was after a gig and I got drunk and I went and got a kebab somewhere

and then I got on a night bus to go home the only reason I knew I lost my wallet because after I got off the night bus I got off to get McDonald's because I hadn't had enough

after a kebab and then I went oh no don't have my wallet to get McDonald's hang on you think you're shocking us with talk like that

I was waiting for the I was like where's the twist in the story so you've had your kebab you're at mcdonald's then what second second on the same trip home anyway so what all right my wallet's either in a kebab shop or in a night bus that's not cool but i was drunk but i was not drunk enough to know that i need to cancel it so i went through that exact process but hammered so i'm talking to the person and they're like what's your date of birth i'm like i like, I know this. Oh, God. It's Michael.

Oh, that's my best friend. Yeah. I think I can't. I work out the next day and I'm like, oh, God, I called them all again. Yeah. I was telling a friend of the show, Harley Breen, that the other day, and he was telling me he's got a sort of similar thing where he's got a security word on his account that's an account that he set up when he was like 16 or whatever. And so the word that's his security word is very much something

that you would think would be great to put when you were 16. So now when he has an issue, he has to call up and go like, oh, yeah, just this thing. And the guy's like, yep, what's the security word? And he's like, oh, look, I know it. You know it. You know that I know it. Donatello is radical.

You can see what it is. You can see that I wouldn't want to say it. We both know. Can we just be cool about this? And the guy's like, man, I'm really sorry. It's protocol. You've got to say it. And he'll go, twat.

And the dude's like, that is brutal. I love it. Because, you know, you can change it, Harley. Like, Harley, this is 20 years ago now. Like, just change it to box or... You'd change it to moot, but you wouldn't know how to spell it. Yes. No, it says here it's moot.

I'm very sorry. We're going to have to lock you out of your account. Even though you got it right. Yeah. Just for having that password. Technically, yeah. sorry we're going to have to lock you out of your account even though you got it right yeah just for having that password technically yeah my local video store you don't have a card just say a password and me and pretty progressive no aff yeah uh when we go in there it's under her name and so the password is my name joshua and so when i'm there with her every time she says that i do a fake oh who's that? And then storm out.

It's always, always. I can't believe they need any security to video shop these days. They're putting any steps between you hiring a video. Like just come in, take whatever you want, leave a donation at the end. But even when video shops were in their boom period, I always found it weird that you'd have your card and a lot of places you'd have your card and then you'd have a password on top of that yeah there's more security than you have

for most bank accounts to just make sure that you can't get spongebob or whatever like yeah i actually can't hire out fletch lives for a week yeah i um i had a thing happen where i because you never paid the late fees at the video store, did you? You just, would you pay them or would you just, I'd just rack them up and then go, because we had like memberships at about six different ones around our house. So you just, I would just kind of, you know, they'd go, oh, you've got a hundred bucks selling. And I'd go, I'll pay that next time when I come in and then go, well, I'm putting this one in the, in the overnight slot and then never going back there again.

And then by the time I'd hit them all up and had too much money on all of them, it was time for me to move out of home. Video stores all closed down. Exactly. Yeah, because of me. Because of you and your people. But when I was a little kid, I remember going, video prices have never changed, which makes me think that they must have made so much money back then. That was $6. I remember hiring out a Rodney Dangerfield movie as a new release in 1986 for $6.

Back to school for $6. Yeah, and you can buy it now for less than that from JB Hi-Fi. That was 1986. Man, that's 25 years. Yeah. It's stayed the same. It's like Pizza Hut. Man, that's 25 years. Yeah. It's stayed the same. It's like Pizza Hut. Yeah.

Pizza Hut pizzas have stayed the same price. Yeah. But what my video store used to do is they would start sort of shaming me. So they would read out. The guy, one time I was in there, he very loudly read out a list of what I owed late fees on. And it was just this ridiculous. Electric Blue 27. Yeah.

It was like the SpongeBob SquarePants movie, wild things, the Muppets take Manhattan, showgirls. It was just this wild things. Remember Wild Things? Yeah. Yeah, that was a very pivotal movie in my life. Is that Niamh Campbell? Yeah.

Niamh Campbell because it was kind of like. It was a very pivotal moment in your puberty. Yeah, it was probably the raciest movie that came out around that era of going through puberty. Was that on VHS? VHS, and it was MA, so some video shops you could get away with getting it. Some video shops didn't give a fuck if you were 15 or not. Was there some video shops where you could actually see the rude bits

that weren't just blurred over time of people pausing and rewinding? Oh, mate, word went around pretty quick. You had to get in really quick to get a fresh new release. You had to examine the case on the shelf and go, does this look like it's ever been opened or ever been in someone's rec room? That film for you, that kind of pivotal one where you see boobs, was Under Siege 2. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, out of the cake. She comes out of the cake. She yeah out of the cake she comes out of the cake she comes out of the cake yeah I'm surprised Erica Elaniak comes out of the cake she then went on to Baywatch

yes that's right because I remember I had this mate who what was yours Celia what was yours yeah what was yours

I don't remember I remember he would tell and I don't think I ever saw this but the movie where they the rude business in the roller coaster. What?

That was the talk going around. I think it was Marky Mark. Yeah. Oh, Fear. Yeah, yeah. Around the same time as well. Yeah, yeah. Sex on a roller coaster.

There was a lot of chat about that scene. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow, that sounds awesome. Yeah, yeah. The movie that was passed around when I was young was, people kept hiring out a movie called The Bikini Shop. Do you remember that, Josh? It's a pretty safe bet.

There was rumours that there was nudity in that one. The Bikini Shop. And it included, I think, a scene where the guys that owned the bikini shop... Yeah, there was two big scenes. One where they installed a two-way mirror that they didn't know, so they were seeing, you know, girls come and take their clothes off. But then they accidentally saw a fat woman

take their clothes off. Can you imagine? Just kill yourself. But then the other one was when they provided an attractive girl with a bikini that evaporated when it touched water. Wow.

Yeah. Genius. Yeah, I know. Genius. University bikini. Bikinis go in water. Like, wear it when you're going to go in the water. I had a mate at school who was a guy who, you know,

everyone's kind of going through puberty at roughly the same time, but he was just, like, way too intense about all that stuff. Like, so you'd be going to rent a movie and he would just go and scan, you know, like under the ratings how they'll have, if it's rated MA, it'll have like why it's rated MA and he would only go for it if it was like, if it featured nudity or high-level sex scenes. Medium level, nah.

This is fucking child's play. It's got to be high level. So we rented Wild Things together. We sat there in like his rumpus room and watched it. Got to the end, just both of us trying to conceal our little 15-year-old erections to each other. And then it got to the end of the movie and the credits are rolling and he just goes, oh, let's watch it again. And then he stood up, pressed rewind.

And so we watched it in reverse, in fast, in reverse, and then it got to the opening credits, and he just pushed play, and we just watched it through again. Just a continuous loop. I remember not being quite old enough to know, you know, you haven't gone through puberty yet. And I used to, as a kid in Maribor, I used to go into the newsagents every single day after school and just hang out there.

I was just obsessed with magazines and comic books and whatever. So you go in there and I knew all the staff really well because I'd be going in there asking for, like every day, they must have hated me. I reckon every month I would have gone in there for like six days in a row and gone, is the new Mad Magazine in yet? No? And they're like, we'll tell you when it's in.

We know the question, all right? So I remember this one point where I'm still a child and you sort of look at these girls behind the counter as just these motherly figures. And I remember the comic book section was just in front of the porn section, the adult section that was, of course, put up on a high shelf and not really understanding that stuff. And I remember looking through comic books one day

and this girl that you sort of feel is like a faux mother or a faux auntie or something walk this other customer along and pick up like a porn magazine

and shout to this other woman and go this one's a good one there's a lot of black men in here with really big penises staff recommendation

and you're like oh is that the new mad magazine he's in with a parody large black penises yeah snappy answers It's a staff recommendation. And you're like, oh, is that the new Mad Magazine he's in? With a parody, large black penises. Yeah, snappy answers to stupid black penises. I mean, I don't want to see the sound effects that Don Martin would have done on the back of those penises. Oh, that's so good.

I love you as a little terror. That's how I found out about you. That was my sex head. Don't you guys marvel at the clarity with which you have memories? I have no memories that are that clear. Not really. But then again, having said that, that's quite... That's a man who hasn't done much in his life. That's why they're so clear.

That's a man that's showing his five-year-old check for an open mic competition. With Carl's stories, though, when he talks about being young, I always imagine him as a young kid, but with that head. I don't know why it is with you. Yeah, like Muppet Babies. How they just look the same, but wearing a little sailor suit. Sailor suit.

What's a baby in Muppet Babies? Kermit's dressed like he's got a little sailor's outfit for some reason? Why are little kids dressed in sailor's outfits? It's like Donald. Why is Donald wearing sailor's garb? Did they ever dress that? Yeah, Donald Duck. Well, I guess he's got an affiliation with water.

Yes. He's right. Yeah, but did he ever serve? Did he do any service in the Navy or anything like that? Maybe that's why he's... Yeah, he killed a lot of Japanese people in the Navy. That's why he's so cranky all the time because he's seen things that he can never unsee.

That's why he got that speech impediment. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I've got a thing I put up on the Facebook page just before we started this. I put a message saying, because we are doing... Because we're going to Thailand independently,

let's just clear that up once again. Just a whole three hours apart, guys. let's just clear that up once again. Just a whole three hours apart, guys. It's not some sort of weird honeymoon. I put a thing up saying we are about to do two episodes in one day, considering we don't usually have enough time don't have enough to talk about in one episode. This should be interesting.

A couple of the responses we got were just some people saying, well, obviously there's a new quarter pounder. You should obviously be talking about the bacon there's a new quarter pounder. You should obviously be talking about the Bacon Habanero Ranch quarter pounder. Oh, no. So, yeah. Well, the funny thing is I think they're joking

and now we're sort of going, yes, let's talk about what it is. But another one is someone called Sebastian Judd Moll. Oh, yeah. That's an unfortunate hyphenated name. I went to high school with him. Oh, okay. All right. You know who that is. Oh, yes. I know all unfortunate hyphenated name. I went to high school with him. Oh, okay. All right.

You know who that is. Oh, yes. I know all the Judd Moles. He's the guy who his girlfriend when I told this story a while ago, I met her for the first time and it was like a group of us where he's brought his new girlfriend in and gone, oh, this is da-da-da-da-da-da-da. And I was on the end of the line, he goes, and Tommy.

And then she's gone back around the line and tried to remember everyone's name. So she goes, oh, Josh, Celia, Carl, and then gets to me and goes, donkey? Yeah, right. That's his mate. Wow. So if you married into that family, if you end up marrying her. Donkey Judd Mole. Donkey Judd Mole.

Donkey Judd Mole. Donkey Judd Mole. Donkey Judd Mole Allsop. Yeah. Walsall. Yeah, Walsall. Anyway, Sebastian, old SJM has said this. I saw Carl last night at Flinders Street Station from a distance, but it wasn't his face or body that stood out and allowed me to spot him. It was his irregularly upright posture.

Do you think you're better than us, Carl? Huh? You meerkat bastard. You do have very interesting posture. We've talked about this before. I believe it was Henry Stone, friend of the show, who said that you look like a half minotaur. Like a minotaur that's had the back half cut off

because you've got a very kind of, yeah, I don't know. I have been recognised by, I think it was Lawrence Lung on the street from the way that I stand, from my posture. In what way? I think I stand with my feet in a weird sort of... You stand with your head on your shoulders and that's how... Why is he putting, like, he's a friend of yours, like, that he's recognised you, like...

He's walking down the street, he's like, I knew it was you before I got to you, but not that silly because of how you stand. Oh, okay, right. I'm not going to change the way I stand. Well, I had a guy... It's like that song Staying Alive, I knew it was you before I got to you. It went all that silly because of how you stand. Oh, okay, right. I was like, I'm not going to change the way I stand. Well, I had a guy. It's like that song Staying Alive, isn't it? What's that lyric in it?

I can tell by the way that you walk that you're a half minute tall. I had a mate of mine. I was walking down the street the other day listening to music and a mate of mine called me and goes, oh, man, I was just like beeping you furiously because I drove past you. I'm like, yeah, I had my headphones on. He goes, yeah, man, you've got to do something about your posture because you were just fucking scuttling down the street, hunched over like a dirty little hunchback.

So we need to breed and create a normal person in the middle. Normal posture. The average, yeah, the median way of standing between us is the right way to stand. You could almost do that evolution of man. Just in two goes. We've cut out the middleman Darwin. Sorry, mate. Yeah, and they're all just walking into a McDonald's

to get that delicious new quarter pounder. That should be you. Feel free to talk into the microphone. You and then me And then you again on the way out Just hunched over after eating McDonald's Well guys I think that is all the time we have for today On the Little Dum Dum Club

Josh, Yul, Celia, Piccolo Thank you so much for joining us Thank you Have you got stuff coming up that you'd like to plug? I'm going to be in Sydney at the end of July Doing the comedy store yeah? The store and then I'm doing Brisbane at the Powerhouse. Oh, great.

Go down to the... Yeah, any friends of the show in Sydney? I mean, we've done the store before. Go down to the store. It's great. It's such a great gig. There's always friends of the show on. It's one of the best rooms in Australia, I think.

I was going to say best room in Melbourne. That's geographically incorrect. Celia, you're, of course, going back to London tomorrow, and I believe our one UK listener of the show is sitting right next to you so if you've got anything coming up, you don't have to plug it here. You can just hand him a piece of paper when we stop recording and let him know what you're doing. No, there's no point.

I'm on Twitter as a listener but I don't know what I'm doing. Cool. And you can see our own offspring too. Oh. Oh. Yeah. Are you the baby? Are you the baby in his stomach?

Are you Eddie Perfect's understudy while he's off doing Shame on the Musical? Are you just... I was wondering why your hair was blonde. What have we got? We got t-shirts. What's Bruiser got coming up? Bruiser, yeah. What are you doing?

I've got a flight back to England in three and a half hours. What? Are you shitting me? Are you going from here to England? Are we a half hours. What? Are you shitting me? Are you going from here to England? Are we making you late right now? Oh, this is great. Let's do a follow-up podcast of us in the cab if he's going to make it there on time.

Oh, no. Hey, I've got a tip for you. Bring your passport. That's something I've picked up personally about the airport. Guys, if you want to send us an email, littledumbdumbclub at gmail.com. If you want to come down to the Koh Samledumbdumbclub at gmail.com. If you want to come down to the Koh Samui Chuckle Hut,

I'll be doing five in a week. Yeah, before the ping pong show. Awesome. Guys, thank you so much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mates.