The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 152 - Geraldine Hickey & Xavier Michelides

Episode Date: September 4, 2013

Lemon Parties, Red Rooster and Mystery Shoppers. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey, mates! Thank you very much for joining us. This is the Little Dumb Dumb Club. My name is Tommy Dasolo. Sitting opposite me, as always, the raddest dad of them all, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. How you going over there? Is that a thing a rad dad would say? G'day, dickhead? I think it is. Yeah, that's a pretty rad dad. He'd say to all his sons and daughters' friends that come over, G'day, dickhead. Is that a thing a rad dad would say? G'day dickhead? I think it is. Yeah, that's a pretty rad dad. He'd say to all his sons and daughters' friends that come over, g'day dickhead. Is that still cool?

Yeah. Is that a cool thing to say, dickhead? And g'day? Because I remember I had the odd friend whose parents would swear around me when I went around there. And when I was a kid, I thought it was really cool. And now you grow up and you go, oh, that's a little bit sad and weird. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Parents swearing when their kids and their friends are around. Yeah, trying to curry favour with a bunch of 14-year-olds. Yeah. Just be your own person. Yeah, I remember hearing my friend's dad drop fuck and going, whoa, how great is this house? And now I'm like, oh, he's probably hitting them as well. Yeah.

You know what? I said, I got really mad on the phone the other day. I wasn't mad with him, but to my dad, I talked to my dad, and I called someone a C-bomb on the phone. It's the first time I've ever said the C word. And this is the test of how rad your dad is. How did he respond? Just went with it.

Did he really? Put me out for adoption, but apart from that. Because I've talked about this. If I swear in front of my parents now, even now they won't have it. Oh, really? I don't think I'm ever going to reach the age where I'll get away with even dropping a shit into a conversation. I don't think it's ever going to happen. You know what?

Not only that, the reason I pulled out the C-bomb was I was describing another comic. My dad asked me about someone and I went, oh, he is a proper C-bomb. Oh, so it's someone that your dad knows, someone that's in your dad's field of knowledge. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Someone on the TV, presumably. Yeah, yeah. Oh, who's a C-bomb? Who does Chandler think is a C-bomb?

Yeah. Oh, I don't think we need to know. It could be one of the guests on the show today. It could well be, because my dad sees you guys all the time, so. Well, first of all, joining us on the show today, you know him from Xavier's Corner. Please welcome back into Little Dumb Dumb Club, Xavier Michaelides. Thank you. Thank you very much.

I need to clear this up because I couldn't remember on the way over here. Did you officially, formally retire Xavier's Corner in the last episode? When I did the Nick Hody's birthday show. And I said, that's the last time I'll ever do that. Because I felt so unhappy with what I did.

I thought it was so shit. I was like, no, Xavier's Corner has run its course even though it never really began. But to be fair, you were standing in a greenhouse out the back of a McDonald's.

That's true. That could have interfered with your judgment somewhat. At midday. It wasn't the best comedy crowd of all time. And my only, what I had for lunch

was McDonald's. I've never, for a long time, had my meal actually be McDonald's. McDonald's is usually what I've eaten after being very drunk. Right, right. You know, not like, oh, my square meal is meal actually been McDonald's. McDonald's is usually what I've eaten after being very drunk.

Not like, oh, my square meal's going to be McDonald's. Let's see what energy this gives me. Nothing. I like to hear, Carl, that you call up your dad and have a conversation where you bitch about comics, because you do that to me sometimes. I'm glad to know your dad gets it as well. I see you

as a father figure. That's fine. What were you doing, Zave? Were you busy? Did you have a few missed calls from Chandler when you checked your phone? He's like, well, no one else is answering. I better go to dad. There is nothing worse. If I have a series of missed calls from Carl Chandler, I'm fucking in trouble. You get, oh, look who it is.

It's like, sorry I didn't answer your five calls in 15 minutes, Carl. Oh, no. More like five calls in five days. When you pick up the phone after a week and go, oh that's right, I've got one of these. I've got a phone. My comprehension of time is different to yours, Carl. Five days for you is actually just 15 minutes for me.

And once again, I do apologise for trying to ring you to book you for gigs. So, sorry about that. How do you feel about this? I've got other gigs to go to, Carl. I don't think you do. No, I don't. Well, how do you feel about this, Chandler? I called Zave today to ask him to do this.

Got him first go. I have got that before. Oh, really? I have seen Hallie's comments, yeah. No, Carl, but the thing is... I do celebrate every time I get it. I'm like, I'm in the presence of greatness, and greatness is me.

Look what I've done. But that's why I don't want to answer the phone, because I know if I do answer it, like the first ring, it's like, oh, is that hell on the phone? It's frozen over, guys. Like, oh, great, great. Also returning to the show,

you may have seen her recently on Time of Our Lives. Please welcome back into Little Dumb Dumb Club, Geraldine Hickey. How did you get that? Hell of visions very own. How did you get that? Because that is a show I've spoken of very recently. Oh, yes. Wasn't your brother on it?

Yeah, and I helped out on it. And I was like, hey, any chance that you need me to do catering or anything? Yeah, we'll call you. I don't know how I got it. I just got the phone call and they said, come in and you have to do two minutes of clean stand-up. Oh, did you do stand-up on it? Yeah. Yeah, right.

Big fan of the show, Carl Chandler. Because Claudia Carvin... If you didn't get to be on it, why would you watch it? Claudia Carvin's character, she was trying to do stand-up. Is that right? No. No. Well, she started dating Tommy Little.

Oh, ah. See, this is how I know because that's the show I auditioned for. That's the one where you farted. Yes, that's the one where I farted in the audition. I think I've told this story before. I think I've told it before. Give the listeners context. Xavier does stand up about that audition.

It's not just famous Melbourne comedy folklore that he farted in an audition. The fart wasn't that bad that it somehow spread without me knowing. Xavier farted in an audition. That is such bad behaviour. Next time I talk to my dad, I'll be describing you, mate. Yeah, I was going to say, you seem pretty... Another game of comedy cunt, guess who? That's a family tradition.

You seem pretty angry about not getting on Time of Our Lives. Was it Claudia Carvin who copped the C-bomb to your dad? Oh, no, she's not a comic. I refuse to describe her as a comic. Mainly because she isn't one. Yeah, fair enough. You've done your research. You didn't miss out on much, to be honest.

Like, it was nice. And, you know, if you watch it on the actual episode, they made me sound really good. Like, they got a lot of extra laughs in there that was pre-recorded and made me sound great. And then you can tell how great it is because then you watch it. They put my clip up on YouTube,

just as it was, without the laugh track behind it, and you can see how well I really did. Oh, really? Yeah. Really? Yeah, yeah. So it's like that,

what is it, like two and a half men without the laugh track? Yeah, pretty much. Yeah, that someone made up, yeah. Oh, wow, that's interesting. I mean, it still laughs, but it sounded a lot better on the show. Oh, that, you know, I've been working on a show recently where you're there for the record

and you hear when a joke doesn't go that great. I'm like, I'm looking forward to how well that does on TV. I think all of a sudden it's going to get juiced the fuck up. I had that. Sorry, just quickly. I had that because we did raw comedy together. In my raw comedy spot, I remember there was a laugh added. I was like, there wasn't a laugh there.

It was me going, g'day everybody. I remember laughing at that bit. That's the editor going, this guy looks fucking ridiculous. Why wouldn't people be laughing at his mere presence? You know what I did when Foxtel had Stand Up Australia. I was very early on and I was a bit worried about that. And it's that thing where it's like, you need 10 minutes. I'm like, I've got nine and a half all up.

Let's see if I can tell one of them slowly. Yeah. To be fair, Carl, 30 seconds is you putting your pyjamas on. Did the listeners know that you used to wear pyjamas on stage in comedy? Did I? Yeah, you did. Do they know that? Were we doing the show back then?

No, we weren't. No, there was a brief... There was a six-month period where I was doing stand-up in pyjamas. I don't remember that at all. I'm glad. I wish I was the same as you. Why did you wear pyjamas on stage, Carl? It was just like a weird gimmick. And didn't you say, I had these ideas and I'm asleep.

Let's imagine I'm asleep and you put your pyjamas on. You know what I've just realised? You and your pyjamas is like me and my fake last name because you're a little bit ashamed of it. You don't have a very good reason for doing it. People are always naturally curious about it. The difference is I got rid of it, mate. You made the wise decision to kick it to the curb.

It's never held me up via a passport at a bloody hotel. Hang on now, in your passport photo here, you're wearing pyjamas and I notice here in real life you're wearing a t-shirt. You've got like that

Captain Snooze hat on your head. Why is that? Why have you got that? But, yes, I did nine and a half, I had about nine and a half minutes and it was a ten minute spot

and I was freaking out and whatever and then I did it and, you know, it wasn't a a half. I had about nine and a half minutes, and it was a ten-minute spot, and I was freaking out and whatever, and then I did it. And, you know, it wasn't a great gig. I don't know. I think everyone's got different stories about that show, but it wasn't an amazing gig. I did okay, but I remember some jokes going, oh, they'll be cut out or whatever.

And then when it came up in the edit, it was like I was thinking, well, if they're smart, they're in TV, they'll juice it up. They'll put laughs in where they weren't. They want to make their own show look good. And I watched a bit of it and they juiced up some of it. And some of it, the editor had just gone, no, you can sit in your own shit with that one. Yeah.

Did you go up into Sydney and do it? I did. Or did you do the one in Melbourne? Yeah, I was a year in when I did that. So I was like, I heard about it in Sydney and I was like, oh, I'll fly up for that. That'll be, yeah, that's going to be a big deal. It took me ages to try and get a gig on that. Because I think I've told you this, Carl, but I didn't know you at all at that time.

No, right. As nor did a lot of people. And I remember being in a house. Sorry, hang on. What was that last bit? Nor did many people. Nor did a lot of people. Yeah.

Oh, people knew me. No, a few people. My friends knew me. Okay. I was in, yeah, no one knew you. We were in different circles. You're right. Yeah, no one knew you. We were in different circles. You're right. Yeah, yeah.

Okay, so I was in a room watching Foxtel in one of those circles. Right. And the ad came on for you, your appearance. Right. And I just remember the room of people going, who the fuck is that guy? Isn't it weird? Like, if I could have known at that moment

how intrinsically kind of intertwined my life would become with yours, I probably would have hung a bit more shit. Did someone say, oh, he looks like a dickhead? And you're like, nah, he's okay. He looks like a nice guy. He looks like a nice guy. Yeah, he looks like he's comfy in bed with what he's wearing there. Sensible, you know.

That's funny. So if that ends up being like a bio of me and you, that's going to be maybe the opening scene. Yeah. Just like you in some lounge room smoking spliffs with your beatnik mates. And going, who is that young man? I got a feeling I'm going to know a lot more about him in the years to come. I don't know why I remember this, but I was stroking a rabbit at the time.

I was holding my friend's pet rabbit and just rubbing its head. Man, we don't need to juice up the movie version of this at all. Yeah. Hickey, what I want to very quickly say about Time of Our Lives, you said it made you look very good. I haven't seen you a bit, but I have seen a few clips of it. And also this ties into your involvement in the show, Carl. You've given them kind of, you know,

you've sort of talked them through the art of running comedy nights and how comedy sort of tends to work. I literally, I don't know if I mentioned this exactly, but they literally paid me to go in and talk to them for a day, which I was very happy to do. They just went, yeah, what's it like? And there was just like six people sitting to do. They just went, yeah, what's it like and whatever, and there was just like six people sitting there, and I just went, yeah, and then some people asked for gigs

and I'm like, get fucked, and then other people, I'm like, oh, yeah, all right. Well, I was watching a scene the other day where Tommy Little was on stage, and Claudia Carvin's character is sort of standing like next to the stage watching him, and then a friend of Claudia Carvin's character is sort of standing next to the stage watching him. And then a friend of Claudia Carvin's comes over and has a chat. And they have a chat at full volume like this.

Right. Just while he's on stage doing his gig. Yeah. So I don't want that show to succeed. No. Because it's educating people in the wrong way. I watched an episode because my girlfriend quite likes watching that show. And so I was like, oh, okay.

And I just sat there one time. And it was that thing where they paid me to tell them how to run a room, how comedy works and whatever. And I watched that and went, hang on, I don't want my name attached to this thing. There are so many things wrong with this room. This is not my stuff. There's going to be the all time of our lives blowback at comedy rooms. They went around all the streets and put up posters to advertise for the night.

And I went, oh, that is Carl Chandler, right? Yeah. Motion plus. Yeah. Tacking it onto, that is Carl Chandler Wright. Yeah. Yeah. Motion plus. Yeah. In his, tacking it onto the end of his little paper round. Yeah. In his little flat cap. And then after they shot that comedy scene they called me the next day to complain how shit everyone was. I mean they had to call me five times to get through.

They took a lot on board. Well, I'm glad it's not just real characters that are not getting through to you. I'm glad fictional characters can't get on to you either. That would be great if Carl's negativity had shone through in the script writing and there's a character that's impossible to get on the phone, there's a character with a fake last name and no one knows. All these grievances that Carl has with people just sneaking in.

Just so then Xavier couldn't get that role either. Ironically, because they couldn't get him on the phone to do it. We'd literally written a role for you. It's like, oh, my phone was on silent. Six days. Six days. Now, I need to tidy up a bit of business from last week. I need to make a formal apology on the podcast.

I was talking about my web series Cheap Lunch and a dispute that I got in with over the man who had parked the domain CheapLunch.com, which I wanted to buy, and went back and forth with him, and he wanted five grand for it, which I thought was unreasonable. We got into a bit of an email altercation. You could meet him middle ground. Your offer was $10.

My offer was $10, yeah. For a website. So I put the call out to people saying, if you go to CheapLunch.com, the form is there, fill that out, and make an offer for just $3 or $7 so that suddenly my $10 offer looks like a good offer and I will get the domain. By the way, I just hope that this other guy has a podcast because I'm sure at the moment, right now, he's complaining. He's telling a story about the other day some little idiot bid $10 on a fucking website.

And it's like you on Stand Up Australia. Me and him don't know this yet. But one day in the future, we're going to be lovers. But unbeknownst to me, in between me seeing that and talking about it and uploading the episode, someone has bought CheapLunch.com and redirected it to the website Lemon Party, which if you don't know what Lemon Party is, don't go and investigate. Just know that it's kind of one of those horrendous prank pornographic websites.

Like in high school, you'd go, oh, mate, there's this great game here. Go to this. And it's a disgusting image. Lesbians fingering? That's what I imagine. No, it's bad. No, no, it's like, I thought Lemon Party was just some old dudes. It's some old dudes.

Sucking each other off. Sucking each other off of theirs. Oh, that's not Lemon. Wow. No, no, it's like, I thought Lemon Party was just some old dudes. It's some old dudes. Sucking each other off. Sucking each other off. Oh, that's not Lemon. Wow. No. Yeah. I'm not Lemon about that. Well, maybe if you suck, you might have the same look on your face.

Yeah, yeah. I've got the same look on my face just thinking about it. I was trying to tap dance around the issue and then Zave's come in with his big old cowboy boots and just barnstormed it up. Hold the phone, everyone. Here it is. I couldn't handle it. and just barnstormed it up.

Hold the phone, everyone. No, I couldn't handle it. You couldn't handle it. So I basically all week I've been getting messages from listeners of the show thinking that I'd known that and put that out there as some kind of elaborate prank, which I didn't know about. I didn't know about that at all. Really? Sorry, man, I thought that was your web series.

I watched it and went, that is classic. This is really good. Yeah. That is a very cheap lunch, what they're eating there. The cheapest lunch you can get. Oh, boy. Protein, no. Yeah.

Is that true? I'm glad that you asked Zave and not the rest of us. Go to the expert. Yeah. What protein, what there's protein in. Is it high in protein? That's the, I don't know why that would be going around if it weren't true Who would stand to gain?

To encourage people to eat that? I'd say that's the story there Who's that hell Come on baby, it's high in protein So, look, I'm going to say this The drought that we had Given what's reminded you of this story I can't wait to miss.

You can see the link. You can see the link. So when we didn't do an episode for a few weeks, it was because I was in Sydney. I was working on a show that's going to come out in a couple of weeks called A League of Their Own. Tommy Little hosts it. Pat Cash is a team leader on that show.

Pat Cash, the Australian tennis legend, Wimbledon winner. He, I was talking, and part of my job was I had to talk to him before a show. Quick, quick, quick, make that connection soon, because right now I'm adding that up myself, my own head. Yeah, yeah, right. Looking really bad, so just quickly. Yes, right.

So I was talking to him about what's going to come up on the show, and like any weird stories, any weird anecdotes about maybe medicinal stuff and whatever it is, and he was like, oh, no, nothing really, about maybe medicinal stuff and whatever it is. And he was like, oh, no, nothing really. No, I've got nothing. Anyway. Oh, let's go. You know, that's the last question.

Okay. Then he goes, oh, yeah, I do put wee in my eyeballs. Like, what? And how wasn't that the first thing to come out of your mouth? Like, how come you didn't think that that's an abnormal thing? That was a PS. Well, I said, are you for real? He goes, yeah, yeah.

And I go, where do you buy the wee from? He's like, oh, no, it's not weird. I just piss on my hand and put that in my eyes. I'm like, oh, okay. Sorry for thinking it was weird. You are an idiot. So in your head, Pat Cash is going down to the wee shop while buying a bottle and just eye-dropping it in.

If only there were an easier way. Just sitting in a urinal waiting for splashback. Unlimited source of urine. I'm dreaming. I don't want to apologise for when I was like, quickly, you better get quick with this one. Lemon party's a bit weird.

Not at all compared to Pat Cash pissing in his own eyes. Anyway, that's now the focus of my new web series, Expensive Dinner, guys, if you want to check that out. It does sort of make sense, I'm guessing. But how did he find that out? Was there no tap one day in the bathroom? After he's gone to the dunny and then wiped his eyes and then gone,

gee, I played better today than normal. I'd better keep putting piss in my eyes. What's he claiming it does for him? What's the benefit? I think he focuses his eyes better or something like that Oh, and it's stinging like a motherfucker, surely Jesus Christ Yeah, I don't

I mean, it's another one of those things where There's no one Like, surely if that was a real thing People would actually go Hands up, who's going to do it? Yeah, someone Guys, this actually happens I might do it before my next comedy gig

Yeah And then I just absolutely tear the roof off the joint. It's like, oh, okay, well, this had better become a habit now. You're a winner and a loser. Because you're doing good comedy, but you also have to piss in your eyes every day. That is not a good future. Oh, piss-eyed Aslo.

Oh, pissy eyes. If I ever drop anything in your eyes, I'm never going to use it again because it's got piss on it. Yeah. What if, like, I... Aslo's actually Italian for pissing in your own eyes I'm never going to use it again because it's got piss on it. Yeah. What if like I... That's actually Italian for piercing in your own eyes. That's going to be my new... That's good because it'll tie into...

I can do both of them. I can pierce in the eyes. I can have the last name. I've got a good reason for the last name. You know, they're two forms that just sort of take care of each other. Wow, this has been a great troubleshooting session. Yeah, dasolo, you know, das meaning piss and o meaning eyes. Alo, of the eyes.

Yeah, piss of the eyes. Well, it's interesting. Now, that has reminded me of another update that I have to bring up on the show. The piss thing. So, you may remember earlier in the year, just after Christmas, over Christmas, I went to

my girlfriend's family's house, their big beach house. And I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth. And an uncle of my girlfriend's, who I had not met yet, just barged on into the bathroom and started taking a piss next to me. While I'm just there brushing my teeth like it's no big deal. So on Sunday, we went down to that same house to see the family again for her grandpa's 90th birthday. And the uncle in question was there walking around, making eye contact with me like nothing had happened. And in the course of this event, it was a big lunch, I got walked in on in the dunny by a three-year-old girl while I was taking a dump. Oh, no, that's all right.

That's all right. I just don't know what's going on with this family with them not knocking in the bathroom. I think that you need to bring your own lock for that door. I really do think that, yeah. I was just sitting there going, this is crazy that there's no lock on this thing. That's normal for a three-year-old, though. Yeah, I know, but it's still... That's what three-year-olds sort of do because they're all just peeing and pooing all the time anyway.

They need to see but it's still... That's what three-year-olds sort of do, because they're all just peeing and pooing all the time anyway. They need to see how it's done. But then there's that weird moment where she's just standing there and I'm just sitting there, pants around my ankles, going, I've got to get out of here because this doesn't look good. Is there any medicinal purpose in wiping shit in your eyes, Moby? Is there something we could have got out of that? The family come in, I'm like, nah, it's good for her. Pat Cash told me it's good for her.

Yeah, that three-year-old's going to grow up to win the US Open. Oh, jeez. Oh, this is horrible. Look, the story didn't have much else in it, and we got at how we needed to get out. We did what needed to be done. We were just following orders. At the cost of what, you know? At what cost did we come out on that story. We were just following orders. At the cost of what, you know?

At what cost did we come out of that story? Do you think there's going to be three-year-olds listening to this podcast and going, oh, okay, I might shit in my eyes? Well, maybe you guys should think about that. Maybe your audience is getting bigger and bigger. There's some three-year-olds out. This is their first podcast. Oh, what do I...

Big shout-out to... Whatever you want. Oh, I like the little dum-dum. Big shout-out to our new sponsors, Fisher-Pycle, the new My First Podcast baby sponsors. Fisher-Price. Fisher-Price. What's Fisher-Pycle?

That's like white goods. Oh, damn it. I was thinking, too. I could have let it slide, but I was like, no, I can't. Yeah, I was thinking, do you shit in your fridge? Is that where you've got that from? Well, either one. Let's get rid of these new fantastic fridges these days.

Yeah, internet fridges, toilet fridges, you know. It turns you poo into food and you eat it again. Eat shit and die. What? Are we going to wrap up soon? I thought we were drifting into Xavier's Corner territory. That's what that sounded like. Yeah, maybe I can't stop Xavier's Corner.

Xavier's Corner just does its own thing. Xavier's Corner's bigger than you. Xavier's Corner's like the alien in Aliens. It's just going to pop out of your chest when you don't really want it. Exactly. Now, at this juncture, Julian and Xavier, how are you going? Because you were telling me before Carl got here that you're both doing sort of the same diet at the moment

and you're both in the midst of it. Is the diet kind of beneficial to podcasting? I'm really hungry, I'll be honest. Yeah. I'm really hungry. Even after all the talk of piss and shit. Yeah. Yeah.

What's the diet? It's called the 5-2 diet. So five days a week you eat normally, then two days a week you fast. And so we're in the fasting day right now. Like, you still get to eat 600 calories, but that's not a lot. Yeah, but I only get to eat 500. Yeah. Ladies only get to have 500.

Men get to have 600. Extra 100 for men. So it's the most misogynistic. How do you spend your 100 kilojoules? Three strawberries. That's unfair. That's bullshit that you get more. I'm writing an article about Mamma Mia for this.

That's bullshit. That is bullshit. It's just the way of the world. You just get used to it. When's the glass ceiling going to get burst through in the dietary world? So, yeah, you guys were telling me about it before, and it just sounds like the worst thing. It just sounds like a thing that I don't know why.

No, but it's fine because it's only for one day, and I know that I can eat a massive breakfast tomorrow. So you go midnight to midnight, or are you going to wait until you get up? Because you're doing a gig tonight. I'm doing a gig tonight, so I'll see. Are you performing on Ramadan? Ramadan. Isn't that what Ramadan is?

Yeah. It just sounded funny the way you said it. It sounded like some sort of old, you know, Ramadan. You know, like some sort of Aussie sort of thing. You made it sound like an Aussie made it sound That's what pirates drink Ramadan You know that diet religion That people go on

To lose a bit of weight And get closer to God Was that like a local Soft drink in Maribor Ramadan Yeah Oh I went back to Maribor Like a couple of weeks ago

Oh yeah how was it It's the first time I've been there for like 18 months or something Yeah and good stuff And I've got to say It's the first time I've been there for like 18 months or something. Yeah, and good stuff. And I've got to say, it's looking alright. Really?

I want to go back there more. Oh. I'm in character, because I've always had that thing of... What's changed though? What have they got? It's got, well, it's got McDonald's,

as I've talked about. It's got like Kmart now. It's got... Kmart? Yeah. That would have been a big deal. It's got Subway. It's got KFC.

It's got... It's still got things. It's got two Indian restaurants now. It's gone to commercial. I don't like it anymore. It still has things that everything else has. Like, why would I travel there if it's going to like... I'm not asking you to.

This isn't a commercial. This is for you. I'm suggesting that you do. Not in the middle. You're not in the middle. You're going to go to Maryborough and you're going to wander around Kmart going, oh, this is nice, you know? Looking at cheap shirts.

I'll send you a postcard from Kmart. Yeah. Picking up Dunlop volleys going, these, this is nice. You know? Looking at cheap shirts. I'll send you a postcard from Kmart. Yeah. Picking up Dunlop volleys going, these are good quality. You know? Like, that's some fun in Maryborough. It's still not sounding great. Can I get the old Dunlop volleys?

You know, you ever been to Kmart and you go to buy Dunlop volleys but people just swap them? Oh, I've never seen that. Oh, really? I guarantee you, next time you go into Kmart or Target or wherever you buy

Dunlop Bollies Oh wait not officially I thought you could Officially swap No no it's not official It's just people stealing Some amnesty program That they have

It was You know it was Celia Bacola A friend of the show That put me onto it And it was in Adelaide We went there And she goes

Yeah it's this thing People do it all the time And then we went in there And she's like See look at that Old pair of Dunlop Bollies Wow Yeah

Oh wow If you can do that For other things Because my TV's got a bit Crack in it It's wandering so look at that old pair of Dunlop volleys wow if you can do that for other things because my TV has got a bit cracking it's wandering to JB I'm sure you can get some Dunlop volleys for it

yeah at the very least I'd hope so you didn't get a warranty for your TV I think it's just out of warranty oh that's how

they get you yeah that's how they get you how did you get a crack did you not mount it on the wall properly my housemate broke it while I was overseas and then never owned up to it.

And you just got home and there was just a crack on the TV. It's not on the – it's like in the panel, like on the actual – so there's no physical damage to it. Fair play. You could get away with that. But they've just – because it's a thing that's happened while they were using it. It's not like they've thrown a box at it or whatever. So how did they crack it then? What do you mean while they were using it. It's not like they've thrown a box at it or whatever. Oh, so how did they crack it then? What do you mean while they were watching it, it just cracked?

So I came home and there's like a big black line down the middle of the screen. And this is like my old housemates. This is when we got back from America last year. Oh, okay. So I came in and saw it and said to my girlfriend, what's going on here? And she's like, I don't know. I haven't used the TV at all while you've been away.

And then a couple of days later I saw my housemates and I went, what's happened to the telly? And they're like, oh, yeah, that just happened one day. And that was it. And I was like, no messaging me while I'm gone, no leaving a note, no sorry, we'll chip in for a new one, just, yeah, we fucked at the end. That's a weird thing. How do you just make a TV crack down the middle when it's mounted on the wall?

Exactly. So, yeah. Getting back to Mirror Barrel. Just the cocks turning. There's no fruit in this. There's no we can't work in a rubbing shit in the eyes reference. Yeah, that just died down naturally. We didn't have to talk about children.

It was natural for a second until four people went, hey, hey, did you see what happened then? We weren't good at our job. Wait, wait, wait, this is my job? Yeah, well, your job for the next hour? Yeah. An unpaid job, that's still a job. An unpaid job for an hour. Now, Mariborough, I was

at the gig that I run on Thursday night, it's a five bars comedy the other day, and a comic... The website for that is lemonparty.com. People want information about when it's on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's padcasheyeballs.com, if you want to go to that. No, and I was there, and Mary Barber got brought up because there was a comic that was on, who listens to the show, friend of the show, Chris Lieben.

Oh, yes. Who is the very man who put us in People magazine. People magazine, yep. Yep. And he actually... Thank you, Chris, out there there when you're listening to this. Because of him doing that, he brought a stack of pornos to the gig and went, there you go.

And I'm like, so am I in one of them? And he was like, oh, I think so. So it was really just pornography he was giving me. Well, it's like reverse payment for doing the gig. You're not paying the act to do it. They're just giving you porn. Yeah, so I'm not sure. I would have been in one of them.

It's just a big stack of porn that's sitting in my house at the moment. So I actually haven't been through it. Oh, we need to go out into the park near a school and just leave them lying around. Yeah, give back to the community. Let's do it. You know what we should do? This is going to sound bad because it is. We should drive to near a school, leave the pornos.

Stop. No. because it is. We should drive to near a school, leave the pornos, and then just leave in the back page, like put a little email address and go, anyway, we've left this out here for you. How was your first porno experience? Write in and let us know, and we'll talk more. I thought you were going to say trying to buy some downloads. Just put like a floor of us in there and go,

if you enjoyed your porn, hey, look who your little mates are now. We put a bit of fishing wire on the end of the porn on, then we're in the car. And then we've access to the internet, but not access to pornography. And then those guys get into the podcast, turn up to live shows years later, and we go, oh, how did you get into it?

Oh, free porn in the schoolyard? Oh, that paid off. Awesome. I think you want to say something about how this is just a horrible idea to leave pornography at schools? Don't we think that's not the best? No, and not at school, in a park near a school where school children will be. Oh, jeez.

Yeah, and then you're going to leave your name and details on the back. Sure, yeah. How else are they going to thank us? Think with your head, Mickey. As long as you don't leave iPisses magazine. Listen, guys, this is just the diet talking. Like, if you'd had more calories today, you'd have more

fat in your brain and you'd be able to see what a great idea this is. If you'd eaten McDonald's like me calories today, you'd have more fat in your brain and you'd be able to see what a great idea this is. If you'd eaten McDonald's like me twice today, you'd be able to see how great this is. Well, it's interesting you bring up Mary Barra. Do you have something else? Oh, yeah. That's not the end of it. Oh, okay.

Because if you notice, my story was, speaking of Mary Barra, I got some free porn the other day. That doesn't actually make a lot of sense. Yeah. So. To be fair, though, your other story was, speaking of semen, I met a bloke who puts piss in his eyes. This is why I don't answer the phone. So, I was at the gig, Chris Levin was talking to someone else, and then he comes over and

goes, hey, are you from Mirabar? And I was like, yeah. He goes, oh, you've sort of been recognised over here. And I was like, for a moment I'm thinking, well, it's at the gig. She's either seen me on stage or she's listened to the podcast or whatever it was. She just had recognised me as someone being from Maribor. Oh, from Cayman. As seen in aisle three.

So I'm like, yeah, well, is she from Maryborough? And I went up in there and she was like, are you from Maryborough? I'm like, how did you know that? And she goes, oh, did your parents used to run Chandler's Rejects? I'm like, oh. Did they? Did they? Of all the shops that my parents ran, of all the things that I've done,

she knew me from the reject shop in Miravara. Was there a apostrophe, like was it Chandler apostrophes reject, so you could make it Chandler is reject? Because that would have been a gift from above. We have to own the rejects. How can it be without the apostrophe, it's just a name.

Yeah, I'm just saying, as someone who was very into grammar at school, that would have been a fucking treat for me, being in the position of people calling you. It's called an ownership apostrophe. Yes, very good. You know what the worst thing was? I hope, though, that you, like the other shops, because you used to say,

didn't you used to hang out along the street and you could get a Mars bar? Did you hang out at the front of Chandler's Rechamps? We have a lot of bastards, guys. Hey, guys, I'm the titular Chandler. Yeah, and the worst thing was, my parents got shops that were worse as I got older. Like, at the start, they were all food shops.

It's like, great, but you're a little kid, you know, whatever. But as I got older, they really stuck me in it by having a reject shop when I was 16. So I was like old enough to be able to go, oh, that's fucked, and you're fucked. Was the reject shop the last? Because from there, the natural question would have been they own a toilet shop or something. Yeah, they own an embarrassment shop. Where else are you going to buy that piss from? They buy an Armitage Shanks franchise.

Yeah, and it's all because, you know, the term for rejects, you know, they're not actually rejected from anything. You can't sell something that doesn't work. So it's just constantly people going, oh, did you find that out at the tip? Oh, did you take shit on that or something? No, none of that. It's just cheap. Oh, you piss on that and rub it in your arm? Yeah, yeah, oh, did you find that out at the tip? Oh, did you take shit on that or something? No, none of that. It's just cheap. Oh, you piss on that and rub it in your arm? Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

Did you find that in the tip? I like that that just set up more Maribor people. Where'd you find this from? The tip, did you? Fuck you and your shop! That's Maribor. It's not like a nice, happy country town. It's like, yeah, fuck off.

Or it's the guy who runs the tip. He's like, find this in the tip. No, I'm not good enough for your fancy reject shop, are we? Oh, you know what? I go back to Mirabar, and there's people with long hair in the pub and stuff. People don't know how good they've got it at Mirabar in this generation. Because when I was growing up, you had slightly long hair, and people in Kingswood would drive by and throw stuff at you and go,

you pofter! And then go around the roundabout that was like 20 metres away and come back for another go. I was leaving my friend's house just before I came here. You know, it's a nice sunny day today. Spring has officially sprung. Yeah, you've got your shorts on. I've got my shorts on because I did my classic first

warm day thing and thought, when the sun goes down, if anything, it'll just get warmer so I'd better put shorts on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As it tends to do throughout the night. So I just had watched Breaking Bad at my friend's house. I'd enjoyed catching up with him. I'm in a really good mood.

Is your friend Breaking Bad? Is that the way you phrase that? Yeah, my friend's Walt. I was leaving there in a good mood. I'm like, I might do a podcast, hang out with my friends. It'd be really fun. In a good mood, getting into my car. And then about 10, 13-year-old kids

come past on BMXs, and one of them kicks it off with a bit of, you are a wanker! And then all of them start going, a wanker! And then one, so that goes on for a few beats, and then one of them's decided to up the ante and go, nah, he's a poof-ter!

And then they've all come back around for a second, like, he's a poof-ter! And then they've all come back around for a second and they've been like, he's a poof-ta! To be fair, you were leaving pornography in a park nearby. Gay pornography in a park, that's what tipped them off. That's what tipped them off.

How's this? This is something that happened at the way home from a gig the other night as well. I was getting a ride home from the gig. Now, Felix Bar Comedy,

I'm just dropping plugs of places, comedy places that I run. Website for that one is meatspin.com if people are interested. We're actually in Spleen. We're actually in Spleen at the moment. So, anyway, Felix Bar Comedy had its last ever night the other night. We finished the gig.

Lisa Storr, another friend of the show, a big listener, gave me a ride home with a few other people. We got in her car in Grey Street, notorious dodgy street of St Kilda. Yes. So it's like 12.30 or something like that. We're all having a good time. We're all laughing. Ah, we get in the car. Wait, wait, wait.

She reversed. What does laughing sound like? I was very lost at that moment. On Wednesday, listen back to this episode. You'll find out, all right? So she gets in the car. You're doing it right now, Zoe. Just listen to yourself.

I'm talking to myself. I'm talking to myself. Good. That's my first of a laugh. Yeah. she gets in the car you're doing it right now just listen to yourself I've taught you something I've taught you something good that's my first of a laugh yeah there was a couple of times that I rang you to teach you about that but you didn't pick up

so I'm glad you finally got there yeah so oh he's addicted to it now once you start laughing you like the taste of that one yeah so

we get in the car she quickly we're all laughing whatever she reverses reverses back because we're all laughing, whatever. She reverses, reverses back. Because we're all having a good time, she hasn't thought too much about it. Reverses straight back into another car, hard. She's got a big car.

She smashes into the car. We go, oh, the laughter very quickly stops. We go, oh, no, this is a lot of money. She gets out. We're all those, you know, naughty kids that sit in the car and go, oh, we've done something bad. We better not laugh anymore because she's up for a lot of money. She gets out of the car because this dodgy grey street in St Kilda in the middle of the night,

gets out of the car, goes up to the guy and goes, oh, I'm really sorry about... No, no, no damage. No, like I rammed into your car. I can clearly see there's a big dent. No, no, there's nothing. He hasn't even gotten out of the car. He's just sitting in his driver's seat going,

no, you're all right. All he's seen is a four-wheel drive back into it. And she's like, what happened there? I'm like, he is a pimp. Like, he's not wanting anything. You know, he could have taken off a limb of his. And he'd go, nah, you're all right. There's a My Family sticker on the back that's him and then like 18 women.

Yeah, yeah. No, no, no. He's got a wife at home and he shouldn't be. How's he going to explain being on Greystone? Yeah, yeah, you're right. That's it. That's it. So, yeah, he's just gone. He's just, no, you're right, that's it. So he's just gone,

he's just, no, no, no, you're fine, you're fine, you're fine. Hasn't even looked at it. She's looked at the dint in the front and gone, that's a big dint. So that sounds like a new game we could play. Just drive around Grey Street bashing into cars. Dodge them, dodge them on Grey Street. Grace to eat dodge them.

Yeah, go tell your wife about it. See you mate. Yeah, you just drive into a, you accidentally drive into a police car. Guys, we're the police. Yeah, the prostitute police. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Tell your sergeant about this one.

Oh. I'm in jail. I'm dead. Hickey, I don't know, I should have maybe asked you this before if you want to talk about this. You've got, I'm happy to talk about anything. Great. Because you've got one of my favourite ever stories of going on a date.

Is this about Red Rooster? Yes, it is about Red Rooster because I was in there last night and it made me think of you. You've actually got, I think, the best dating story of all time. Okay. Do you know what? I thought you might bring this up. I thought about it and I went, oh, nah, fuck it.

I'll just tell it. I thought about it and I went, oh, nah, fuck it, I'll just tell it. So I was seeing a girl for a bit and just dating, kind of, you know, doing other stuff. And then one night, I don't know, we kind of, I just went, oh, do you want to go to sexy land? Which for listeners maybe outside of the country is an actual shop that's not a metaphor not a metaphor yeah unless it was a metaphor

no no no it wasn't it was because that is a sweet line yeah it's a big yeah yeah it's a big that's a good one to use

if you do want to go to the store because if they either way it gets interpreted you're in luck basically jump on board baby

we're going to sexy land I didn't mean something dirty like a pawn shop. I meant I want to fuck you. There should be an accountant called Sexyland just to kind of really throw people off the track a little bit. I'll be honest. I did kind of use her a bit because she had a car.

And Sexy Christmas is just around the corner, so you need it to stock up. It was. There's some hot elves. It's a big adult store warehouse that's kind of out near the airport. You can buy sex up. It was. So it's a big... There's some hot elves. It's a big adult store warehouse that's kind of out near the airport. You can buy sex toys. Yeah.

Sex toys. And I wanted to buy a sex toy. That's the creepiest billboard at the front, though, of that woman with the pink hair going, ha, ha, ha, like that. And I hate that. She doesn't look like she's... Well, until before,

you didn't know what that scene was. So I wonder you were creeped out. She was screaming in a positive way. Right. That'd be so good if she actually made that noise, if there were, like, giant speakers in the billboard that are triggered like those, like, annoying frogs that people have at their front door when they detect a sensor.

Anyway, so I suggested, oh, do you want to go to Sexyland and we'll buy a toy? We bought a strap-on. And then... Wow. Yeah. He asked me to tell you. Yeah, sure.

No, that's a way of appreciation. I like Carl's body language right now. Before, your laptop's been up. You've been down the whole time. Now it's closed. You're leaning forward. To be fair, I don't have many notes on strap-ons, so I don't need the laptop at the moment.

This is how lesbians do it. Right, tell me more. So we went to Sexland. Maybe I should have the laptop open taking notes, actually. So we went to Sexland, and then we... And, yeah, like I said, she had a car, so it was like something that I wanted to get. And I'm like, oh, well, I'll take advantage of her having a car,

and then we'll drive out. And then I was like, well know it's about dinner time you are you hungry let's there's red rooster here so then we went and ate red rooster for dinner and then went back to her place and then um it worked the red rooster yeah no the other stuff. I just loved... And then it was like 8.30 or something and then I left and then went home and went, oh, I might as well go out.

And I think I saw you at the pub that night and I was like, this is the best date ever. I've got Red Rooster, I had great sex and then still got to go out afterwards. Two types of cock, actually. Exactly. Red Rooster and I had great sex and then still got to go out afterwards. Two types of cock, actually. Exactly. Red Rooster and a strap-on.

To be fair, there was no cock in either of those, really, I reckon. Yeah, because you said, oh, yeah, it's going really great. We just bought a strap-on and then went to Red Rooster and now I'm here. I was like, where did the strap-on factor in in this? It sounded to me as if you'd been sitting there in Red Rooster. This is how I pictured it. The strap-on's just in the middle of the table, like a horrific centrepiece.

You're just eating your chicken, then you're both like, ah, well, anyway, we've had a good time, we'd better make a move. It's actually a gift for the family dinner. Yeah, yeah. You can either get a Bavarian cheesecake. It's a very happy meal. A strap-on or a cheesecake. It's up to you.

You decide. It's the traditional table centrepiece of Ramadan, isn't it? It was actually attached to Grimace. It was from another restaurant. Anyway, that was one of my favourite dates. It was great. It's so good. I just love a date where you can do everything.

Yeah. Cover all the bases. And still be out afterwards to tell your mates how great your date was. I think you had me at, it was a great date, I took a date to Red Rooster and then got laid after it, because I wouldn't have thought you would have normally got that. Well, she was into it as well,

so it was, you know, we were hungry. I was in a Red Rooster last night. That's sort of the more offensive part of the story, to be honest. I was in a Red Rooster last night that had a lot of certificates on the wall of like 100% in the mystery shopper ratings. You know how like there's a thing that businesses will do where they'll send someone in undercover to test. Do Red Rooster need reviews from anyone?

Yeah, I don't know why. But they had like eight of them at 100%, which you could tell now it was just like the owner or the manager cracking the whip and making everyone go over the top. Because like my girlfriend ordered and then she went to the bathroom and then i ordered then the girl goes oh were you with her who was here before i'm like yeah and she goes oh when your food comes out do you want me to put them both on the same tray so you have your meals on the same tray and they'll come out at the exact same time i'm like uh sure oh can i get some of that sauce and she goes oh the honey mustard sauce and i go yeah and she goes it's really good sauce the way. Like everything just got that little bit of extra and it must just be the worst place to work.

As if it wasn't bad enough already, now having someone go, we've got to get that fucking 100% mystery shopper certificate. It did make me think, I'm now going to start going around to businesses and trying to pretend that I'm a mystery shopper just to get good service and get sort of, you know, good shit. How are you going to do that?

Just wondering. I will not tell you my name. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I would like a certain amount of product. Just have like one of those press tickets sticking out of your hat with a pencil behind your ear. Yeah, put me on your... Just put me on your...

Am I shopping? Am I shopping? Who knows? It's a mystery. What's my name for the mailing list? M Shopper. Normally I would present ID, but not today. And I'm just dressed in a big plastic

bag. I was thinking you'd be dressed in a white sheet with holes cut out. Like a ghost. I'm a mystery shopper. I have actually felt that before. I've been in restaurants by myself and I've had a notebook or I've had a laptop or whatever it is and I've been just working on jokes

or whatever it is and I've sort of seen people go, hang on, are we being reviewed or what's going on here? I've never thought that before because I think comics in general, most comics would have that where you're interstate or you're before a gig or whatever. And you're quite often in that exact same position. And I've always noticed a weird vibe. I always thought it was because of my general bad attitude. Or maybe they thought, oh, you're a comic. You're not going to have money for this, are you? Oh, well, he's going to put us into one of his little skits.

There's going to be a little skit about the restaurant. Another routine about walking out without paying. Sweet joke. I've been, Xavier, I've been waiting a little while for you to be back on the show. I realise last time you were on, I didn't ask you about this. This is something that happened to you during the comedy festival that you told me about that I loved where you went to the doctor. Oh, yeah. I don't know if you've heard this. I didn't ask you about this. This is something that happened to you during the comedy festival that you told me about that I loved where you went to the doctor. Oh, yeah.

I don't know if you've heard this. I didn't tell this story. I'm pretty sure you didn't because you were on the birthday show. You didn't tell it then and you haven't been on it. Well, yeah, I went to the doctor during the comedy festival, right? And as I was speaking to the GP, the GP goes, oh, do I recognise you from somewhere? And I go, oh, well, I've done a bit of stand up

and he goes yeah oh where have you done I go I mentioned a few rooms and he's like yeah that's probably where it is and he goes

yeah I think I've seen you do stand up I'm like great and then we keep going on you know talking for a while and then he finally goes no it's not stand up it's not stand up rooms um

have you did you do a show I mean what do you mean like in the festival have you done are you doing a show right now? Like, yeah, yeah, I'm doing a show right now.

It's like, that's right, I saw you last week do your festival show. And so wait, I've been talking to him for 20 to 30 minutes and then he just realised he'd watched me for an hour.

He looked only at me for one hour. I was the only one talking and he forgot that? To be fair, you don't, you blend in with everyone with your bald head and beard.

I look pretty normal. Is it even worse? Because you had a bit in your show about thinking that you had sleep apnea and you were saying the doctor about having sleep apnea. The whole show was called Good Morning about me being really tired. And I went in and I said, look, I think I've got sleep apnea. He was like, well, okay. It's the first I've heard of this.

This is news to me. And then you were the first I've heard of this this is news to me and also and then you were like I don't diagnose this how about you fucking pay attention in comedy festival shows on that thing

now I was like I didn't trust him as a doctor because like if he couldn't realise you saw warning signs a week ago

a week ago this is a follow up consultation buddy the idea yeah if you actually went to him and went what are you saying

mate if I diagnosed every stand? Mate, if I'd diagnosed every stand-up comedian I see, I'd fucking never get to the end of it. I was on that other story when I was on, who is that American comedian who was in town

and he had that, promoting that movie at the same time? During festival? During festival. And it was like, not Fire Walk With Me, something Walk With Me.

Oh, Mike Pabiglia. Yeah. Friend of the show. Pabiglia. Yeah. Friend of the show. Friend of the show. Yep. So I didn't tell this story, but I was doing a radio interview on ABC and I walk in and he's walking in. He's walking in as well and I see him and I recognise him

and I go, I didn't know his name, but I recognised his face from posters and I said, oh, hey, are you doing a show? He's like, yeah. And I'm like, are you about to go to a radio interview? Because I know I'm doing it with somebody who's like, no, I'm doing TV. I'm like, okay, well, good luck. He goes in, I you doing a show? He's like, yeah. And I'm like, are you about to go to a radio interview? Because I know I'm doing it with somebody who's like, no, I'm doing TV. I'm like, okay, well, good luck. He goes in, I'm doing a radio interview, and I'm with another comedian.

We're doing this interview together, and it's going okay, but suddenly they go, oh, guys, got to stop you there, hot topic time. Parks developments in regional Victoria, and they take some calls. They take about three calls to the point that me and the other comic are like,

oh, they're not paying attention to us. I'm like, I wish I wasn't here. That's a breaking story. Hang on, guys. Parks. Yeah, exactly. That's how boring we were. They had to cut to fucking the hot topic.

And I like that because you just know that there's some vital phone calls coming in off the back of that. Like, yeah, I like trees. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm on a swing right now. Are you talking about the place parks or are you talking about just parks in regional Victoria? I know, it's that interesting. You want to find out more about it.

You don't even have to call in. You can just say this to him. You can talk to me about it right now. Don't burn that on the podcast. Save that for 1-800-763. People are as interested as you in parks and not me in the comic, okay? And I'm sitting there going, oh, this sucks. I'm not even promoting my show.

I wish I wasn't here. And I look over and there's like a TV screen. And then I can see, what was his name in the comic? My Pabilia. My Pabilia. He's doing his TV spot. I can't hear it, but I can see it. And he's standing up on the couch doing these hand actions.

And the hosts are fucking losing it going, yeah! This is the greatest! Just laughing. And I'm like looking at it. And I start to smile because I'm enjoying that going, oh, that looks so much fun. I wish I was there. And then I look back and it's like, so it and I start to smile because I'm enjoying that going oh that looks so much fun I wish I was there and then I look back and it's like so the park's development

is taking longer oh this is fucked could have been you if you hadn't gotten rid of Xavier's Corner I know hey back to your doctor so your doctor didn't think

you were funny is that and you both had shows about sleep apnea what well he he was a sleepwalker oh really

yeah that's his show, Sleepwalk With Me. Fucking hell, it all comes together. Wow, that's the two scales of the sleep apnea right there. Also, as I go back to the doctor, I like to think that it's not that he didn't find me funny. It's just because I always do that character stuff. I took on so many characters. I was too good. And he was like, are you a comedian?

Are you some Spanish slash Russian guy breaking into your own house? Daniel Day-Lewis gets that all the time. Are you Schumacher De Niro or are you Sainz Michaelides? Because I can't tell. I can't tell right now. I went on a date last week and the topic of comedy came up because she knew I was a comedian, blah, blah, blah. And then after a while she said, oh, yeah, I've seen you before.

And I went, oh, oh, yeah. And she goes, yeah, I saw you at Upfront and then I saw you at Felix Bar one night. And I was like, oh, yeah, cool. And she goes, yeah, yeah, you did the same stuff. Great. And I went, oh, you don't think I'm funny. And she's like, no, I'm not saying that. I'm like, well, yeah, you kind of are.

And then it's like, by the end of the date, I was just like, why did you come? Yeah. Yeah. I don't understand why someone would want to go out with me if they didn't think I was funny. And they've also gone, oh, I've heard you do the same stuff again. Oh, well, I'll go and see if you say it again. Maybe she just wanted to see if you, on the date, do the same material. Yeah.

Somehow you start pulling out material on the date. But then, yeah, anyway, it was weird. So what you're saying is no red rooster and or strap-ons for that person. Not yet. So you're still saying it? Oh, sorry. You want to win her over, don't you? Yeah.

That's what it is. It's a challenge. I'm a player of this podcast. This has come up pretty well. Oh, sorry. You want to win her over, don't you? Yeah. That's what it is. It's a challenge. I play at this podcast. It's come up pretty well. I'll tell this quick thing because it does tie into something to do with Xavier. I was at a party a few weeks ago and I was there quite early because I had to then go on to do a show. And a guy and two girls kind of just walked in off the street and then kind of stood in the corner of the living room and my mate, whose house it was, went over and talked to them

and then he comes over to us and goes, those three people just walked in off the street and they've just said to me, we just walked in off the street and they don't know anyone here. And it's like 10 to 9. There's like eight other people there and they're just standing in the corner. So then the guy comes over to me and my friends and goes, yeah, bloody, yeah, just walked

in off the street, just heard noise and came in off the street. And I go, oh, yeah, we've heard all about it. And he goes, oh, are people talking about me, are they? Mate, there's eight other people here. Like, you're in a house where you don't know anyone. You're now a quarter of the party. Yeah, you and your friends are 60% of this party. Of course we're talking about you.

But it reminded me, because I've done that before. But if you're going to do that, you do it late. I've done that a couple of times where I just walked in. They're on strunk. They don't notice you coming in. Yeah, and I kind of have done it where it's a fun challenge where you just walk in off the street and try and just graft yourself into the people there.

I remember I did that with you once, Xavier. We were walking back from a barbecue through Richmond and we walked past a house and we all got excited about it and we were like, let's go in, let's just go in and pretend that we know people and, oh, okay, we'll say that we know Steve because every group has a Steve in it. Like, you know, this will be great. So we go in, we get in the front door

and we're all going, oh, where's Steve? And as soon as you get in the door, some guy sees you and goes, Steve! Like, at the door. And it was your doctor. Yeah, it was my doctor. Yeah, you recognise me now don't you?

As soon as we walked in and we were so excited like this is the exciting part about this is that we don't know anyone and we're being brave from the get go and that's happened to me again.

Oh really? I've tried to sneak into another party. I hate these parties. I keep rocking into my friends this is the worst party ever do you know what if you answered your phone calls you might know that

you've been invited to parties from the beginning probably like me the fact that I never check my Facebook I don't know I am invited to all these parties

and people are just excited it's like oh you got me an invitation and then Saturday nights you have nothing else to do so you're just wandering the streets looking for sounds. Looking for parties. I just follow sounds.

Well, guys, I think that is all the time that we have for the little Dum Dum Club on this week. Thank you very much for joining us. Geraldine, have you got anything that you would like to plug? Oh, yes, please. Well, now that you've got a dildo, I think I know what you want to plug. Yay! Oh, hell. We can take that out. got a dildo, I think I know what you want to plug. Oh, hell.

We can take that out. I want to plug that flavour wrap into my mouth. Xavier and I are both part of a show called The Experiment. Oh, I've heard of that. Yes, yes. Which we're doing at Melbourne Fringe Festival. Melbourne Fringe Festival. And it's 10.15 every night at the festival.

Excellent. Except for Mondays at the Lithuanian Club. Melbournefringe.com.au if people want to find tickets. Yes. So have you got anything in addition to that that you would like to plug? Yeah. When does this come out? We're coming out this now.

Wednesday. Yeah. Okay. So I'm doing a Knock Knock Comedy. So go check out Knock Knock Comedy, the Facebook page. Fiona Lachlan's headlining. Yep. She's got other fantastic acts.

For any of our regional Victorian listeners. You've got Spleen coming up. Why don't you plug in that? Sorry, I've got a Spleen.

I was about to get to that. I've got a Spleen coming up as well. Come check that out. Go to the website,

goatsy.com. You'll find out all about it. Get an insider's look into Spleen. When is this coming up?

On Wednesday. I'll be in Perth on this weekend. Oh, yeah. Great. I'll be in Perth on this week. Oh, yeah. Great. Are you Perth friends of the show? Yeah, lots of Perth friends of the show.

Oh, great. Come on. Next week I'll be in Brisbane. I'll be doing a kids' radio play and hopefully some gigs as well, so check that out. Excellent. Ring Xavier. Maybe you can take Tommy's box of warm. I'm going to Broome.

Two weeks' time I'll be in Broome. Broome listeners, come on. What are you, just vacationing or? No, I'll be doing gigs. Oh, okay. All right. Are there gigs in Broom? Yeah.

It's like they've organised a tour up there. It's my girlfriend's mum lives there now. Oh, really? That may be a bit nice. Hey, when you're there, go to Malcolm Douglas' Crocodile Farm. Best day ever. Oh, I have to now. Yeah, awesome.

Cheap lunch. I have registered a domain. It's cheap-lunch.com is where you can go see that. Wait, that's how easy it was to solve that problem? Yeah. To add a hyphen. But it's not ideal, is it? Now there's some idiot who's going to go, oh, I tried typing in like spilling out hyphen and it didn't fucking go there. It's not ideal. You don't want those people.

It was that or.biz. Oh, that's great..biz. Oh, I love a.biz. That's awesome. That's crap. I don't want that. .co.nz..biz. That's bullshit. Chandler, you've got your Perth show coming up. Perthies, Perthies, don't spend all your money on Hiko. I've got a solo show October 4, Friday night at the Brisbane Hotel. Is that Lazy Susan's comedy then?

Yes. How much are tickets? I think it's 18 bucks. Because that's like fucking $3 in Perth. Like the equivalent of what they all earn. Exactly. So it's a bargain. Yeah, that's the cheapest thing in your $2 shop over in Perth.

Yeah, come get some more Chandler's Rejects. Stuff that wasn't good enough for the kids in Melbourne. You know what? I really feel like I've got this, I had this bit of dread today where I was thinking, you know, I'm going to go over, I'm going to do this hour of stand-up, you know, my show from this year's festival. But because basically the only reason anyone in Perth is going to be coming to see me would be people that listen to the show,

it's going to be me doing jokes and people just going, oh, why don't you fucking propose to your girlfriend? Yeah! Oh, that sounds amazing. I might fly over for that. Please film that. I'm rude to people shouting at you if you're telling them to propose to your girlfriend. I got heckled enough by people I didn't know this year in the festival.

I think people I do know are going to give me much worse job. Oh, great. You should take each army's as well. Oh, callback. The best of. Classic. Well, guys, thank you very much for listening, and we will see you next time.

See you, mates.