The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 156 - Tom Gleeson & Justin Hamilton

Episode Date: October 1, 2013

The Perfect Sausage, Blue Moons and Snapchat.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey mates, welcome once again into the little dum-dum club for another week. My name is Tommy Dasolo, sitting opposite me, the other half of the program, Charles Pippi Candler. G'day dickhead. That's not your name at all. That's a little joke of yours, isn't it? Planned bloody silly buggers over here. My name's Carl Chandler, everyone.

Don't trash my brand. Health update. Since last week, I have just gone downhill rapidly. I am knocking on death's door at the moment. I'm on about five different medicines right now, one of which, a cough medicine that forbids me from operating heavy machinery. Right. So, I don't know, like looking at this podcasting equipment that I'm now in charge of,

I don't know if I'd – I would call this machinery heavy. It's pretty dense. I wish we weren't recording this in a tractor now. We should have thought. Yeah, just thought I'd bring that up as a warning just in case I careen this podcast off a bridge because I get drowsy in the middle of it. In case that mic goes flying, we have an explanation. I'll say this very briefly. The other day, you know what?

I love a sausage. I can't help but buy a sausage. If there's a sausage for sale, I will buy it. Yes. On a weekend, I will walk down the shops. I'll go out of my way to walk past Bunnings to get a sausage no matter what. Now, what's their deal? They just every weekend, they're just having a sausage sizzle out the front?

That's it. How does that start? Yeah, I don't having a sausage sizzle out the front? Yep, that's it. How's that start? Yeah, I don't know, but Officeworks are trying to do it now. Really? Yeah, it's dumb. It's just dumb for some reason. I don't know.

The branding doesn't work. I buy it with Bunnings. I don't buy it with Office, because Bunnings is all outdoorsy sort of stuff. Yeah. Like, you're not having a sausage in your office. But then, yeah, that's the thing. Like, I walk past and go,

oh, you idiots, I'm not buying a sausage. I'm here for a stapler, as if that fucking goes together. But it's like, in my head, it's like, no, it makes much more sense if you go in to buy a hammer and you get a sausage. Like, how does that work? Yeah. I don't know. Anyway, so I go out of my way to go past Bunnings so I can get a sausage.

I went past on the weekend, and it was quite late, I think. I think it was like 10 o'clock, 10.30, something like that. And they're always there at 9 o'clock, 8. like that um i go past they're not ready they're not set up i'm i'm wanting a sausage there's nothing there these people hurriedly trying to start up and i'm like i want a fucking sausage now and it's not happening i'm like oh i'm not gonna wait and so they're all sort of frantically going around and as i walk off i notice you know there's always a charity that there's a point for the sausage sizzle where the profits

are going to and I walk past and it's the anxiety disorder society of Hawthorne that they're raising money for and I'm like

this is not fucking helping is it like not only are they panicking because they're so late but they're getting no money out of it

like someone is having to answer to the fact that there's no money raised and it's the anxiety disorder that's no money raised. Yeah. And it's the anxiety disorder. That's not helping in any way. And meanwhile, you're anxious because you just want a sausage so bad. Yeah. Well, you can't get it yet.

So maybe that is an advertisement for it. Maybe people are signing up after not getting a sausage. Now you know how it feels. Put some money into the tub. Yeah, right. Today on the show, first of all, from the Can You Take This Photo Please podcast, please welcome back in a little dum-dum club, Justin Hamilton. Thank you. Nothing worse than when you can't get a sausage when you want it.

And you don't want it at the front of Officeworks. You don't want to get sausage juice on your stationery. Do you know what I mean? Sausage juice is hard to get rid of. And I saw sausage juice at the big day out. And they were tasty. You know what I saw the other day? I was in Barclays Square, a little shopping centre near where I live and they had one of those guys out the front of the butcher who's just like cooking meat and he's got the little headset microphone on and he's just like live commentating all the different meat from the butchers that

he's cooking. Oh right, like an infomercial. Man, that's a tough gig because I was like in the supermarket, his voice was travelling in through the supermarket. He was gone for a good 25 minutes and he did not stop talking. It was like a little one-man show. He just knows shit about meat. If he put up a possible, I would give him money to take that to Edinburgh.

That would be amazing. Also joining us from this week live, please welcome back in the Little Dun Dun Club, Tom Gleeson. Yay! Yes, thank you you I like a sausage too And I've actually learnt how to do them perfectly Right I learnt this from Keith Richard Actually, in his autobiography

He talked about how to do the perfect sausage Oh, I read that too Yeah, well you might remember it Apparently what you do is you get the sausages And you put them on the barbecue or pan, but everything's cold. So you put it, like the pan's cold,

you put it in a cold pan and then you put on the heat. People like to throw it on and hear the sizzle. So everything slowly gets up to hot. It makes a perfect sausage. Well, Keith Richards would know about cooking a sausage, wouldn't he? It's the same thing with heroin. Use a cold spoon, let the heroin

and the spoon all come up to temperature and then shoot it into your nose. And then suddenly you've got exile on Main Street. Yeah, man, I would buy smack cooked by Keith Richards out the front of Bunnings, definitely. Wait, so this is a chapter in... Yeah, because he's trying to raise money for the Rolling Stones.

They should get on Possible. Six million dollar sausages. Rolling Stones should get on Possible and raise money to be able to come to Australia and tour. That would be great. Because that's the great irony, isn't it? When you've got the profile to get a lot of people to your Possible page, that's when you no longer need a Possible page. That's the great irony of crowdfunding.

They could raise so much money. Yeah. They could for themselves. It would be great. So just to go back, this is a chapter in Keith Richards' book, is how to cook a sausage. It's just in the middle of another story, remember? Because he's quite proud of his cooking skills.

Basically the way he lives life as he describes it in his book, his drug use is very practical, the way he describes it. He doesn't describe himself as an addict and he doesn't apologise for it. Basically if you're on drugs, you can stay up for eight days in a row and you can record albums and it's very useful. So he doesn't have a day, a night, a lunch, a breakfast or anything and he's been living his life that way for whatever it is, 50 years. So now he just...

And he looks great. Yeah, it was working well. I would love that if he... He eats it all times of the day. Imagine how good he'd look if he just had a nap and maybe spent 15 days recording the album. I would love that. If any of those books generally in the middle,

they'll have the four pages of photos and stuff. If there's photos of them recording their early albums and then there's just a photo of just four perfectly cooked sausages on a plate. It's like, there you go, check that out. That's probably it. I haven't looked closely enough. In fact, on Exile on Main Street, there's a picture of an African man. If you've seen the album cover, he's got a wide open mouth

and there's three prominent things in his... They're probably sausages. I think one of the album covers is a sausage with the Rolling Stones' lips eating it. Sticky Fingers is actually done by Andy Warhol and it's some denim jeans that are half open. I think it's sausage. And even the title title Sticky Fingers

even the title Sticky Fingers those fingers are sticky from the sausage juice from out the front of Bunnings that's weird I love that book

but it's a bit where he you know he stops doing heroin in like the early 80s or the late 70s or something like that so he's actually clean and there's all these tales

he got clean though because he was sick of looking for heroin again it's really practical that's what i like he ended up because he ended up having to scratch around he got some because he used to get pure stuff because he had connections and that was all fine so he said heroin's great if you're on the it's when you get the stuff that what's he called he called the mexican mexican shoe scraper yeah that's right yeah once he had to you know you know lower himself to mexican shoe scraping because he was desperate and he got in trouble in Montreal. So he thought, well, you know what would be better

is just if I'm not on heroin. So he got his assistant to lock him in a room and he just slugged it out. Yeah. He had his bed and gone with life. Yeah, so it's all great stories like that. Who hasn't done that? Where he's bouncing around the walls

and it's all the Rolling Stones going into stadiums. And all of a sudden it gets to the 80s or whatever and he starts bunging out the recipes. And you stadiums, and all of a sudden it gets to the 80s or whatever, and he starts bunging out the recipes, and you're like, wow, not much happened to you in the 90s, because there's honestly full pages where it's like, and here's how I do me mashed potatoes. That's right.

He's very proud of that as well. Yeah. He honestly tells you how to do mashed potatoes. That's great. Is there a word count in this book that you weren't making? So what you're saying is if Fleety gets off the gear, I'll see him on MasterChef. But I like the image that it creates too because he sort of paints a picture of there being parties at his house

where people are out till all hours doing whatever. I think it's in Massachusetts or something. And he will, yeah, just at 3am, just arrive and start making a full meal. Yeah, yeah. And there's a story towards the end. Yeah, yeah. At his's a story towards the end. Yeah, yeah. At his daughter's wedding or something.

It was like some story about him bashing or trying to hit some kid that walked in and took his potato or something. Yeah, that's right. It's like, I just bought some potato and some kid's like, oh, I just stole Keith Richards' potato. And then he goes nuts.

He couldn't find his Kipflers. Yeah. But if you had an opportunity to steal Keith Richards' Kipflers, you would fucking do it. Yeah. I wouldn't even think twice. I want to start a possible page to fund my potato stealing.

Get the money to go to Keith Richards' house for legal fees. Not even buy, raise all that money not even to buy the potatoes off him, just raising it for the transport to steal something. Yeah, it's like how people, if they want to streak at a sporting event, they'll get their mates to pony up the money to get them out of the lock-up afterwards. Oh, that's old school possible. That's old school. Old school possible. I need a grant because I'm going to streak.

But I don't want to get the government involved. I'll use my mates. Good way to do it. That is a hard sell to get money raised to give to the police, though, because that's where it's going. Yeah. That's a weird... And it's saying, please, can I have some money to give to the police?

But that's not all. You also get to see my dick. Yeah, but no, no, no, but you also get to see those police beat the shit out of me while I'm naked. Yeah, yeah. And that's not an opportunity you get all the time. Yeah, yeah. If I was at any event with a mate and they asked me to chip in money

to cover them streaking, I'd do it. And that's the thing. If someone chipped in to see a random get bashed, I'd be like, are you a freak? If it was my mate, I'd be like, all right, I've got 10 bucks. Yeah, I'd do that. Who out of our mates would you put in money to see as the shit kicked out of them at the MCG?

Do you want to the nude or not? Yeah, in the nude. So we see them nude and then we see them get the shit beaten out of them. And then we just see them getting their face shoved into the grass. Sam Simmons. He'd be funny while it was happening.

But then there'd be a moment where he'd snap. It would have been really funny to watch and he'd play up it was happening. Yeah, but then there'd be a moment where it'd snap. Yeah, it would have been really funny to watch and he'd play up to the crowd. Yeah. Oh, stop it. But then his face would be caved in and then it would get... And everyone would not enjoy it anymore. Guys, he did this in a show three years ago already.

So, yeah, I was about to say. He'd be yelling at the cops, I've put tacos in my chest. For some people, for some comics, it'd be like a kind of an edgy life experience. But for him, it would just be creating content. It would be part of a new series. Also, because of his moustache, he kind of looks like

a policeman. So that would really throw the policeman. They're like, maybe he's our superior. It's one of our own. He could be a sergeant. I'm not sure. He looks like, yeah, he reminds me of something. He does actually. I think, Sam, he looks like a policeman off-duty. He wouldn't like that.

From the 70s. That's why I said it. Take it, Simmons. To add to the injury, you're listening to a podcast. So mainstream. You sold out, man. Getting off that. So we've done Keith Richards' life.

Next up, Peter Rabbit. What did we all think of that? I want to bring this up because I did a gig with Hammo a couple of weeks ago. We went to Ballarat and did a gig and it reminded me... It was a cracking gig too. Yeah, it was really fun. I lived in Ballarat for 10 years so it was fun.

You've done it as well. Ballarat Cat. Ballarat Cat Comedy. It's a once a month. It's a bloody great gig. It was fun to go back because I lived in Ballarat for 10 years. What's the once a month room. Once a month, yeah. Yeah, it's a bloody great gig. Yeah. So it was fun to go back because I lived in Ballarat for 10 years and then... What's the pub called that it's at? The George Hotel.

The George Hotel, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When I went into that, oh, you probably are going to... Yeah, I was going to say the same thing. When I walked into the venue, I was really enjoying myself having a beer,

watching the show and then I thought, I've been in here before. Oh, really? It dawned on me because it used to be a nightclub, didn't it? Yes, yes.

Yes. And I just... It's something about the architecture of the roof. It dawned on me because it used to be a nightclub, didn't it? Yes, yes. Yes. And I just, it's something about the architecture of the reef. It came back to me. I thought, I've been spastic in this exact same spot. Oh, you know what?

I mean drunk. No, like I'm saying, obviously I'm able-bodied. Yeah. Well, that reminds me, I think I've told this story. That's it. It's podcast.

Who cares? Come on. Do anything to get on the cover of the Herald Sun. I just wanted to be noticed. I didn't bring this up on the night, but I was talking about the whole thing of being in Ballarat.

I'd been in that room before, and the last time I'd been in that room was I'd done a gig in there, and it was a Lions Club thing. A friend had booked me in to do a gig at this Lions Club thing, and they went, oh, it's going to be great, and I went on after an hour of a woman talking about being abused by her dad. Wow.

An hour of that and then it's like, anyway. You probably felt like abusing her. Yeah, yeah. Like, I mean verbal. Yeah. Not fingers.

But then it's a bit of, anyway, enough of the little girl being touched by her dad. Here's Charlie Chuckles. There he is. Yeah, yeah.

Who's ready for some ha-ha? Yeah. Hey, what's up with ladders, everyone? Boo. We've just seen a one-woman show. Yeah. Not dressed in taffeta. Yeah.

And let's change gears. Yeah. So, no, but it was good to go up there because I used to live there for 10 years. I went to TAFE, Klang, up there, the School of Minds Ballarat. And I took up Daniel Connell in the car and we drove around. And I super annoyed him by taking him on a tour of the Cal Channel reality tour. I just went, this is where I lived when I was in TAFE. And this is where, and he was very nice and didn't say anything.

But then I took him on part two of the tour at midnight on the way home. And he was like, I'm going to be home by Monday if that's cool. I'm like, oh, this is a bit embarrassing. You're saying the reality to her. How long was this tour? Surely it was just you going into the McDonald's car park and going, here she is. Yeah. Here's where I lived.

Here's where I first had sex. Here's where I did my homework. Carl, you're just pointing at the same building. I know. Yeah. At the same clown. You know. Sunday.

Yeah. And I did tell this This story on stage that night But I thought it was worth Telling you guys Which is The thing I drove past this point Where I lived in this house

And there was a block Between there and the McDonald's And one night Because I'd been in Maribor Yacht to Ballarat So it's very cold in Ballarat Really cold And that's the first place

I saw snow Old, gold and cold Yeah That's what they told me In Bendigo they told me that When you go to Ballarat Just say old, gold and cold. Yeah. That's what they told me. In Bendigo they told me that. When you go to Ballarat, just say old, gold and cold. That'll get them. I did some other things

and that got them. I went there and I'd seen snow for the first time, right, and me and my mates we were all at TAFE or uni together and whatever and we went up to McDonald's, it was snowing and we got excited, you know, we're like 18, 19 started having a snowball fight. Going, how good is this?

First time you've ever seen snow. This car pulls over. This weird guy gets out and goes, oh, great, boys. Yeah, I'll just pull out my camera. I'm from the Ballarat Courier. I'll take some photos of this. This will come up really well in the paper. Great.

Oh, keep going, boys. Just run around. That's great. Yeah, you're all friends, aren't you? Throw snowballs. And we're like, oh, great. I guess a couple of days later, we go, oh, we haven't, that hasn't popped up in the paper yet.

There's no pictures in the paper. And we start realising, oh, actually, that guy pulled out like a really shitty tiny, was that a Polaroid camera he had? Or what the fuck? We realised it was just some weirdo that's just gone, oh, young live boys throwing snowballs at each other. This will come up well.

And you didn't think to question it when he asked you to take off your T-shirt? And go back to his house with clothes on? No, not at all. You're dicking the snowballs. So there could be some website right now, some like snowballer.com, where it's just young boys throwing snowballs at each other. And you can go back and see some sepia pictures of them. In 1995, throwing snowballs at each other. And you can go back and see some sepia pictures of me and my mates in 1995 throwing snowballs at each other at the front of McDonald's.

W-W-W. He'd be at home in his ice tray and just wank himself stupid using frost as lube. Got to be quick. Littlecarlsnowball.com If someone would like to set that as a Tumblr, I will gladly look at it twice. I'm going to set up a possible campaign

to get that website up. Buy those photos off that guy. To raise money to make snowballs. To get money to get water to make cold. Yeah. But also, imagine if that's his particular fetish, his snowballs. Yeah.

And he lives in Ballarat. That's depressing because it snows very infrequently. Not even every winter, does it? It's a bit of a one... It's a blue moon event. Blue moons, that'd be another bad one if you had a fetish about blue moons. I only get an erection on a blue moon.

I'd be like a weird werewolf kind of thing. So he must have had just an unbelievable hard-on that he just had to service that day and he just grabbed his camera, got in the car, drove around. It was the best thing ever. Because he knew it was another 11 years before. It's like Fredbo all over again. It's just depressing that he hasn't saved up to get himself somewhere

like Alaska or somewhere where it is constantly snowing, or maybe that's part of it. He likes it as a little treat. He's got ties to Ballarat. And he also knows that if he moves to somewhere where there's snow, he'll just be wanking for 24 hours, seven days a week. Wake himself to death. Maybe that's his thing.

Maybe he's really into snowballs and guys throwing them, but it has to be in an area that's not an alpine region. That's too easy. So he goes up Mount Macedon. Oh, it just snows. He pulls himself stupid. Here's a question. Do you think you've ever been masturbated to?

Like a picture of you. I hope so. Yeah. Oh, we all hope so. Yeah. I would definitely be into it. Yeah. Feel free to let us know if you've had a flick or a wank.

Yeah. Just in general. Just in general. Just in general. I'd prefer, Hammo wants to hear about flick or wank. I'm going to say I only want to know about flick. I don't care to know about wank. I'll take it.

You'll take both of them? I'd still feel... Whenever... I've had gay men sort of come on to me before and I find it flattering. I don't find it threatening. So I'd be quite... I'd still be pretty happy with a...

Yeah. If a man had to picture me to really get him over the line. Wank, flick or finger in the bum while wanking. I want to know about all of them. Yeah. I want to know if you thought of me while having sex with someone else. Oh, that would be good. Especially if it was like the genders were the wrong way around

because that would be interesting. Have you ever... There was some fan fiction from a few... Actually, I was about to say a few years ago, but from about 12 years ago where there was a girl writing, there were these girls writing stuff about Michael Chamberlain and Charlie Pickering getting their fuck off. Oh, really?

Have you ever heard this? This is great. Oh, my God. And then there was one about, there was one with Gatesy from Tripod, Paul McCormack and me. Very quickly, how would sex between Chamberlain and Charlie Pickering go? It would be an arm wrestle. Yeah, yeah, man.

Stick it in. Yeah. While Charlie's doing his BBC reporter. And now here's something coming from behind. Thanks, dude. But then there was this other one, and I was furious over this, and this is why I'm up for hearing any positive stories.

By the way, I look forward to cringing when someone does tell me, and I go, oh, that wasn't as much fun as I thought it would be when I was hanging out with my mates and it was just a thought. But there was this fictional piece of Gatesy from Tripod running a brothel, and Paul McDermott and I went over to visit them, and we're hanging out, and then his fucking manhorse didn't turn up, and so these chicks were there,

and they needed some manhorse, so Gatesy said, hey, Maccas, hamster, can you fucking rip into it? And we went, yeah, all right. And then it described the way we would have sex with these women, and Gatesy was really smooth,

and McDermott was kind of animalistic. And I was fucking nervous. And I was like, what the fuck? What am I projecting on stage? Don't they realise that I'm a fucking demon in this? I'm projecting the wrong image. Hang on, this was... It's the glasses.

It's the glasses. So it's fucking rude. Hang on, so when's the... So tell the fan fiction story. Oh, right. Sorry. Anyway, it was this thing. It's fucking rude. Hang on. So when's the... So tell the fan fiction story. Oh, right. Sorry. Anyway. There was this thing.

So this story, Gatesy's brothel story, is a spin-off of the kind of Charlie and Michael having sex thing. I think it was the Frasier to... There she is. And I was Niles by the sounds of it. No, I remember this. This was like over ten years ago. Yeah, yeah. It was a long time ago.

I reckon it was just when we were starting to come here and perform, but before we moved. Just before we moved to Melbourne. So we're talking like 2001. So it was kind of... Is that what tipped you over the line to moving to Melbourne? I said, I've got to get some action here. I've got to get out of Adelaide.

Get my rep up. You're too nervous. It took you another three years. It sounds silly to say, but the internet was kind of new. It's like it had only been around three years. It sounds silly to say, but the internet was kind of new. It's like it had only been around six years, and it was one of those moments when the internet frightened you. Yeah, it was quite shocking. Now you just know there's lots of shit about you on the internet, and that's just the way

that it goes. But back then, it was like, oh, God. What? People are writing about me that stuff that's not true. How does that work? And it was just plain text too. It was just plain text. It's not like now

when you sort of have like logs and you have animation. It all kind of looks nice. It's just this dirty Times Roman numeral fucking

font. There'd be a gif. No heading. There'd be an edited together gif of you guys doing it. And there would have been a little counter down the bottom telling you how many people

have read about Hammo fucking in a brothel. Yeah. And some tags. Man, does fan fiction get written anymore? Fan fiction seems like a bit of an antiquated thing on the internet. I guess so, yeah. No, I read the other day, this is an honest, real thing, that there are girls, like teenage girls, writing fan fiction about One Direction being killed.

That's what they do. They go, oh, this is alright. Instead of writing about them marrying them, they're writing about Harry Styles getting cancer and dying. Right. That's a real, real thing.

But that makes sense though because it would be a funny way of rebelling against the excitement that their friends have at school and it would be a way of really getting to them.

No, no, no. These are fans of One Direction. Oh. They like One Direction. Oh, well maybe they love them so much that maybe they're experimenting with the worst possible scenario for themselves. They can't handle a world with them in it. Yeah.

Don't want them to have anybody else. So how much better? They'll become saints if they die of some horrible flesh-eating disease that kicks in and works its way up from their ankle. I'm going to write one. Yeah. I'm into it. Yeah, let's do it.

You know what I did discover a couple of years ago? I just remembered there's a lot of fan fiction on the internet of the old cartoon Chip and Dale Rescue Rangers. Really? Do you remember that show? Yeah. There's people who've drawn these 50-page comics and sort of taken the source material and just made it way more – there's a lot of romance in it and it's really, really over the top and dramatic for this crazy little

Disney cartoon. People are doing it about stand-up comedians. That should come back in. That is so fascinating that you guys were in fan fiction. Why isn't that happening? Why isn't that happening with podcasts? How about this? Someone write us a dumb, dumb fan fiction and we'll read it out.

We'll reenact it. So we'll get whoever's in it. We'll try and get whoever's in it and we'll record it and we'll read it out. We'll reenact it. So we'll get whoever's in it. We'll try and get whoever's in it, and we'll record it, and we'll put that out as an episode. If you can do it, if you want to do it. I'm sure it'll be positive given that the only feedback I ever get is people screaming at me out of trams and ringing me up and going, get fucked, and hanging up again.

There you go. That's a whole plot. That's a storyline. Hearing that Chippendale story makes me wish I used to do, you know, Bron Robinson that used to do the podcast with me? We used to work on radio together and we'd always be the first ones in. And look, it would be fair to say that sometimes I'd only had an hour's sleep and sometimes she hadn't had any. And I would narrate Dora the Explorer for her.

And I wish I'd written that down because Dora was always pinned and wondering what the fuck that monkey was doing. And I wish I'd kept that because that would have been fun to dub. Yeah, it would have been good. Was it just on the TV in the studio? Just on the TV. We'd sit there on the lounge when we were meant to be going through the paper to talk about something really funny like, you know,

Rebecca Twigley has a dress. Not something that interesting because it was radio, but something like that. Yeah, yeah. Take one of those elements out. You either talked about a dress or Rebecca Twigley, but the two of them together, that's too much. Why confuse the audience by having two subjects in a topic?

With Rebecca Twigley, like every time she does the weather on Channel 9 in Melbourne, it's a running joke with my wife and I that I always talk about how much she's into meteorology. Like I say, she's really into the weather. Listen to this. She just can't wait to tell us about the high-pressure system over the Simpson.

Like she's pumped. You can tell she's into it. You just know she is. She's just into it. Could you imagine hanging out with her at parties? She'd just be talking about the weather. Yeah. That's all she'd be talking about.

It's such a weird thing that, like, there is a Bureau of Meteorology, and there's all these boffins studying away and whatever, and then they're represented by someone that fucking got a good set of pins, you know? But also, I don't want to look at boffins. Yeah, but also, it's kind of... But also, it's strange as a kind of... As a career choice. Like, it's something to aspire to.

Like I really can't wait to do the weather. Because if you do the weather, what you're actually doing is there's an autocue. You're just reading out an autocue on TV while looking good. That's all you're doing. And it only takes, what, a minute? Yep. Not even.

So it's kind of like just saying, I really want to one day read a book in public. Yeah. That I'm not that into. That I'm not that into. That I'm not that into. I just want to read, I want to read a book out loud in public and I want it to be seen. It'd be like just getting a, I don't know, like a, just reading half a page of a book to the MCG.

Yeah. Sitting on the pitch. Yeah. In the middle. And then everyone looks at you and then at the end they go, yeah. Yeah. He looked really good while he did that. I've always wanted to be just in between the hockey scores

and the start of Current Affair. That's where I've wanted to be. Two things I love about weather reports. I like it when the weather girl is announcing that some good weather's coming up, and just the way they sell it, they put a bit of a spit on it like they've somehow made it happen. Like it's somehow they've made the good weather happen.

And the other one I love, which happens in Melbourne a lot because we have such fluctuating weather, the minute we have a day, like it'll be, you know, not even 20 degrees for like a week, and then there'll be one day where it's over 30. And then when they cut to the weather report, it'll be like, and Rebecca, please, tell us when some relief is on the way from this weather.

Like we have one day over 30, everyone complains about it being cold, and then all of a sudden it's like, oh, the cool change is on the way from this weather. Like we have one day over 30, everyone complains about it being cold and then all of a sudden it's like, oh, the cool change is on the way. The other thing that upsets me about the weather is that Rebecca probably really is into the weather and loves it, but she has to,

and the tragedy is that she has to read the weather in a studio that's at 21 degrees exactly every single day of the year and dry. How heartbreaking would that be when you're riding the highs and lows of the weather cycle every day at work, the temperature is exactly the same. You're so removed from it. You're the least capable person to comment on it. Oh, it'd be horrible.

As soon as you get that job, you're the least qualified person to do it. The cruel irony. I actually think more just hot people should do things. Do you know what I mean? Like, I'm kind of a little bit over people who know what they're talking about. I'm actually, I'm not even interested in people who know what they're talking about talking to me about things.

I just want to look at pretty people doing shit. You know, I don't give a fuck. You know, so many people have said to me, you know, like the song Blurred Lines, and they say, oh, it's so sexist. And I go, yeah, it's pretty hot though. And I just, oh, Doesn't it upset you? No.

Don't you think it's sending a bad message to women? No, because it seems to be lots of young girls who really like the song. Yeah, but it's sexist. Yeah, I don't know. I reckon there's heaps of other things in the world that are really sexist, and I don't give a fuck, because when I see that song, I just think, fucking, here's three and a half minutes of happiness for Hammo. We're a superficial society, but we're not quite superficial enough, is what you're saying.

We could go a bit further. Pump that shit up. Yeah. Yeah, and also, I just think, well, you don't really know what's happening between my eyeballs and my cerebral cortex anyway. Like, what's going on in there is, like, extremely sexist, despite what I say using my mouth. Yeah. So, like, you know, you can't really edit that little bit there.

The bit in my optic nerve that's going, oh, yes! That's just in there. I can't stop it. The only thing I will argue about the Blurred Lines film clip is I actually prefer it when they've got clothes on. So call me a feminist, but... Yeah. Gloria Steinem over here? Jesus.

I remember reading at the time Some people getting upset about it And one of the lines that everyone got upset about He said something I think there's a line saying Along the lines that he's got He's got a dick so big I want to tear your ass in two Something like that

Who listens to the lyrics? Everyone was getting upset about it But that's a joke. Is that a joke? Yeah. That's a funny way of describing how big your dick is. Yeah. Isn't it?

Yeah, well. I don't think he actually wants to. Yeah. Because that would not be fun at all. There's a comedian in Melbourne that does jokes where he plays song lyrics. He plays a song. And he goes, like there's a lyric in N.E.R.D. that says, her ass is like a spaceship I want to ride, which is clearly a joke.

And this comedian plays it out loud and goes, check that lyric out. As if that's a thing. And it's like, oh, that's a bad thing to say. And it's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the point. Yeah. It's a joke. Yeah.

That's a joke. You know, my favorite one of that repertoire was The Darkness with their song A One-Way Ticket to Hell and Back. It's like going, it's a one-way ticket, and it's like, that's the fucking joke. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like playing Delirious by Eddie Murphy and then just stopping after every joke and going, what's he saying?

That's ridiculous. That doesn't make any sense. What an idiot. That's funny. Yeah, watching the Marx sense. What an idiot. That's funny. Yeah, watching the Marx Brothers when they have too many people in the room. Who puts that many people in the room? Like, look around the room.

It's not space. That bloke's playing a horn. He's not even talking like normal people. Why doesn't he say it's too full? Yeah, playing a bit of Monty Python. And look, it's a cheese shop, but there's no cheese in it. Yeah.

Duh! Get some cheese in there. Let him purchase it. We should cheese in there. Let him purchase it. We should do a thing where we'll film it and it'll be, we'll show classic things from classic comedy things and we'll heckle it. It'll just be the backs of our heads

and you're watching it. But comedies, just comedies that are obviously jokes and going I think I've found something funny in this movie. That's a great missing the point with Justin Hamilton and Tom Gleeson over our heads. Oh my god. Let's get a possible

thing together and raise some money so we can afford the copyrights. And the poster is the two of you kind of facing camera and then there's a joke book and it's literally flying straight over the top of both of your heads. Yeah, and we're not looking at it. We haven't even noticed it. Now, hey, here's something.

A lot of people, you know, nicknames. What's your nickname, Daslo? I don't really have one. I mean, you're kidding yourself. Daslo is a nickname. People just call me that. It's sort of broken through to even friends that I've known since I was 12 call me that now. So that's become a nickname.

I guess it is a nickname because it's not actually your real name. So that is a nickname, I guess. All people in comedy, a lot of people just call me Das, which is a thing that I didn't start. It's a bit weird, but I don't mind it. You know, there's a considerable amount of people that call me the Chan Man now. Right. What thorny territory you were just in where you had to say that about yourself. Just the look of grief on your face.

It's terrible. It's ridiculous. Sorry, is that true? Yes. I thought you were being funny. I honestly did. I thought that was a funny thing. No, no, no.

And I thought, oh, where's this going to go? No, no, no. Who? We should punch them. No, no, no. It's whatever. More and more people do it. Probably because they know that it anno going to go? No, no, no. Who? We should punch them. Oh, just the punny. Like, no, no, no. It's whatever. More and more people do it, probably because they know that it annoys me. So it's like, great, the Chan man.

Oh, the Chan man. So you know what? People have said it to me enough now that I reckon over a year or two, I've gone, I've accepted it. Yeah. And I just got to that point of going, all right, I'll start using it stupidly. Yeah. I'll be like, I started work on a show in Sydney and I was like, the Chan man's here, you know,

hey. And they immediately go, oh, you're a big Friends fan. I'm like, what do you mean? And they go, well, he called himself Chandler in Friends. He called himself the Chan man. Oh, he did too. Did he? I don't remember that. And so now I've been saying to people, oh, he comes to Chan man. It's like,

oh, I'm writing Friends fan fiction for myself now. I'm referencing a show that finished a long time ago. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why the others would have been calling you Chan man. Well, I didn't know that. I thought that was just an original made-up thing. I completely forgot.

Yeah. And now I'm just inches away from calling myself a Monica superfan. I've been wondering why people call me Joey when we hang out together. That actually makes a lot of sense now. If you want a nickname that you're comfortable with, the best way to do it is just refer to yourself as that on stage. I have from my Bunta Boys days, like the old school comedians like Dave Williams and Cam Knight

and all those guys, they call me Jezza. I used to call myself Hamster on stage. The guys at the Comics Lounge still call me Hamster. I've called myself Jason Harrington. I've got so many nicknames, I'm not even certain who I am anymore. I've never had a big one. I had some friends try to start calling me Meatball. One of my friends in high school was just obsessed with,

yeah, what if your nickname was Meatball? And it stuck for like a week and then it just disappeared. It has to have an origin story. Yeah, at the time I hated it, but I'm into it now. I like being called Meatball. When I went and played basketball in the States when I was 17, I went with my club and went and played some American teams and my teammates called me the professor

because I used words that were too big, which I just think is obsequious. I shouldn't gloss over you over it. And glasses. And glasses. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, but it was because of the words. They told me, they said, oh, reluctant. What does that mean?

You know? I like Yanni from Tripod, yeah. He's got this, I don't know if you've noticed this, but he likes making up his own nickname for people. So he has his own unique one that he's made up that no one else uses. He calls me Ham Sandwich. There you go. Yep.

So he assigns one to you and he works really hard on it. And he was obsessed with it, with mine. He was obsessing about it, trying to get it right. He was sticking with the age of Gleason for a while. And then eventually he's very happy with it. Is it really a nickname to say something that's that long yeah it's a sentence

he likes or ain't nicknames so to this day he still calls me Gleasy Joe and he always says it with a relish like if he was here he'd be like

Gleasy Joe how are you he smiles as he remembers the day he made it up that's good because you are going to keep it unique

when you make up a name that's that shit like that's not going to catch when you make up a name that's that shit. That's not going to catch on. But I think that's part of his perverse sort of sense of humour, though. It has to be a little bit not easy to say. It has to be a bit... And no one picks up... As you said, it's his.

No one gets to share it because no one can be fucked. I think he calls me that. I call you the Glee. The Glee, that's right. Yeah, the Glee. I get called Non-Stop sometimes, too. Right. Because of Non-Stop Tom. But again, that's I call you the Glee. The Glee, that's right. Yeah, the Glee. I get called Non-Stop sometimes too. Right. Because of Non-Stop Tom.

But again, that's the name of the show. So sometimes that sticks. That's people taking your Twitter handle into the real world. But even that, like the Twitter handle, my Twitter handle being Non-Stop Tom was just because every time I've signed into anything, I just go back through old show titles. Right.

Because quite often they're a unique word. Yeah. If you know what I mean. Dry ginger mail I think is still my sign in for eBay. That's good information to put out there to people that took my phone number and pranked me constantly. Bad feedback coming your way. Only through eBay.

If you don't bid for it, you'll be fine. Dry ginger mail, bid it and then drop down. My nickname in Maribor eBay. If you don't bid for it, you'll be fine. Dry ginger male, bearded and then dropped out. Well, my nickname in Maribor is, like, I grew up in Maribor for the first 17 years of my life. It was drilled into me that everyone called Chandler's nickname is Changa.

That's all I heard for the first 17 years of my life and thought that's just a national, international thing and then you move away and you go, oh, what's your nickname? Oh, Changa. What the fuck's that mean? Isn't that what you call people with the last name Chandler? That has never,

ever been a thing. But everyone in Maribor called Chandler is called Changa. I do like the idea of every last name having its own assigned nickname, like a crest,

like a family crest. Yeah, yeah, right. This is the family nickname of Blobsy. Yeah. Because your last name's all Sop and that doesn't really lend itself to anything except for maybe... Soppy.

Soppy. Here he comes. Yeah, I used to get either Allsy... Licorice Allsops? Yeah, I used to get either Allsy or Soppy. Allsy? Allsy. Man, that's really clunky.

Yeah, it's really bad. It's really bad. I went to boarding school and my nickname was... It became, after many, many years uh phil and after many many years like they've been honing that one of course i my dad had sent me off to boarding school with very good advice he said if it annoys you it'll stick so i loved every nickname i ever got given i'd be like yeah i that you know good on your tampon head tampon heads in the house and it wouldn't stay you know you the house! And it wouldn't stay.

You know what I mean? It wouldn't stick because you might always be happy about it. And then one day, my older brother, his name is Phil, and he was ducks of the school and a very prominent figure, and I very much lived in his shadow the whole time I was there because he would win all the prizes. He represented Australia in mathematics. He was in the first debating and all that.

He was a very good student. And so anyway, his mates used to call me Little Phil because I said, oh, look, Little Phil's here, like his little brother. And one of my friends overheard it and he just looked at me and said, Little Phil, and just laughed to himself. And I just said, no, no, no, no, you can't call me that.

That's what my brother's friends call me because I'm little and I'm his little brother. And they're like, I know, we shouldn't call you that, should we? Little Phil. You showed weakness. It was just a half a second I'd let the guy go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I was called Phil because I hated it.

And it was the worst thing I could be called. So there's no wordplay, no nothing. It was just purely assigned on what gave me the shits. Yeah, yeah. That was sort of the same thing with... No wordplay, no nothing. That was sort of the same thing with mine. Because we went on school camp one year and the guy who took the camp would call me Olsi. I can't remember which way around it was, but he'd call me that all week.

And then a couple of months after the camp one of my mates was like what did he what did he always called you it was it was soppy wasn't it i'm like no it was all c and he's like nah it was soppy i'm like no you're wrong you're getting it wrong it was all seen it's like no i've got it right and then it was just and then it was like him going around and asking everyone in the class going what did he call him it was It was Soppy, wasn't it? And I'm going, you're all insane. I already had been assigned. My nickname had been assigned. Yeah, and then it's that thing.

You put up a fight for one minute and then it's that for three years. There was a woman at my basketball club. She was one of the mothers of a girl who played another team who always called me Jason because she said, you look like a Jason. And that was annoying. And then one day I went to catch a ball. You know when someone throws a ball to you from a long distance

and you're not going to get it, so you put your foot out to stop it and it hit my foot and it ricocheted off and it smacked her in the face and then she had neck problems. So I guess I win, right? I guess I win. Looks like Jason fucking nailed that shit. I want to talk about this quickly, Justin. We went to Adelaide together recently to do a week of gigs.

Yep, I'm glad you put that bit in at the end. A little love truth that was really amateur. Where do you want to go, Tommy? I'll take you anywhere. Adelaide? Oh, really? Just working on some real world fan fiction. We went over there.

You were headlining gigs, and you very kindly got me over there to host for you, which was very nice. We did a week of shows. Between the two of us, we had a lot of kind of weird audience interactions. We also recorded 97 podcasts in five hours. Yeah, there's a lot of young Adelaide comedians

that have podcasts. There was one particular day, which was fun. I was really happy to be on it, but there was just not enough time, and there was one day where I recorded an interview at 8am, and then I went and recorded my 100th podcast with James Fosdyke, and then I came into the

city and we recorded one with Nick O'Connell at lunchtime that went about 90 minutes minutes and then i went home and i brushed my teeth and had a shower and then i came back in and i recorded one with marcel and then i recorded another one with a guy from radio adelaide john knolls and then when that finished i then walked out of the back of the rhino room walked into the rhino room and craig egan said can i introduce you and sure, why not? And then I hosted for two and a half hours, and by the end of it, I was ready to neck myself.

If only Adelaide had a West Coast. Yeah. I would have done it too. I would have needed a lift because I don't drive. That's the worst thing. I am going to go and kill myself, but can you give me a lift? That would be really depressing if you needed a lift to kill yourself. Yeah.

I'll give you some gas money. Take my bank card. You can have it. So after the gigs one night, it was our first night there. It was a Wednesday night. Marion Hotel. Marion Hotel. And just to set this up, this is a girl who, there was a girl in the crowd who I had put,

a couple of months before this, I had put on Twitter a thing saying, you know what, I think I'm going to delete Snapchat because I don't get it. It's kind of shitty. It's not really doing anything for me. I'm giving it one last chance. Here's my username. You know, if it interests me in the next half hour, I'll keep it. And so I, you know, immediately get a lot of friends of the show messaging me over Snapchat.

And the recurring thing seemed to be people taking photos of themselves eating a hamburger with the caption, Hey, mate. So that was like the kind of go-to default thing for people who listen to the show, which I enjoyed. And then someone on Twitter said, You know, Snapchat's really good because people send you photos of breasts. And I wrote back and said,

Well, I've never had that happen on there. And then I log into Snapchat, and I've been sent a photo of this woman's breasts. And I wrote back and said, well, I've never had that happen on there. And then I log into Snapchat and I've got been sent a photo of this woman's breasts. You know, it adds up. We're all grown-ups here. They were some bodacious titans. Sorry, I thought I was Seth Rogen for a moment. Are we all grown-ups? The use of the word bodacious would say no.

Sorry, I was looking outside at the dinner party going on out there. Bill and Ted's excellent podcast. Oh, I would listen to that. So anyway, so that happens and then... So were they random? Was this some... Is that a friend of the show that did that? Is that just...

It was someone who listens who... It was the person who'd said, Snapchat is good because people send you their breaths and I said, no one's ever done that. And then that same person then went, well, here you go. Really? Yeah. Couldn't that happen?

Yeah. Carl. Here he goes. Can I start a possible to raise money to get Snapchat? Sure. It's free, but yeah. You can raise $5,000 for your free app. You can raise money to pay your rent when your girlfriend kicks you out of the house

after she finds your phone and all the tits you've been sent on Snapchat. Wow. I didn't know. I honestly didn't. I completely understand with Snapchat. I hear a lot that people have it. I don't have it. People have it.

And no matter what, you just get sent pictures of dicks. That's what I imagine 95% of Snapchat is, dicks going to whoever's out there. I didn't know that girls would do that. Yeah, well, it's happened once in the whole time I've had it. That's enough. How long have you had it? I don't know. I never really check it now.

I had it a few months. So then after this gig in Adelaide, it's the Wednesday night. I've just hosted the show, and I'm standing around afterwards trying to sell some of my CDs, and there's a couple of people there sort of buying one, and this girl comes up who's been in the front row and asks if she can buy one and I'm like oh that's $5 thanks and she goes oh I can't believe I'm having to pay for your CD

when I've sent you a photo of my tits on Snapchat and like there's a huge, there's like a crowd of people waiting around to buy a CD so I'm like I don't go soliciting this by the way like I'm a good guy like you can believe everything you've seen on the stage I'm a decent dude By the way the funny bit of good guy. You can believe everything you've seen on the stage. I'm a decent dude.

By the way, the funny bit of that is you did solicit for it. I solicited without soliciting. And I can't believe... No, you did it with soliciting. Here's the... Oh, sorry. I'm with her. I can't believe that you did charge her $5. That should be the sign

behind you as you're signing CDs. She had clothes on. As you're signing CDs, it should be $5 or a picture of your tits. Yeah, yeah, I'll get on that now. I'll get the merch department on it. By the way, here is the thing that brings it all together. You have signed those breasts as well, Tom, and have a routine about it. Oh, is it the same woman?

Yeah. Oh, well, there you go. Don't feel special, mate. I've had a texter all over those. Was the signature still there? Yeah, I've got to say, your handwriting is terrible because I could not make out who that was on there. I've signed a lot of breaths over the years.

Really? It's happened quite a bit. Because I don't... I think it's... I'm not quite sure why it happens. I think people... Maybe people think that it's funny to do, but then I just go... I just go quite sure why it happens. I think people, maybe people think that it's funny to do, but then I just go, I just go, sure.

Because I think they're trying to embarrass me. Right. My natural reaction to if someone's trying to provoke me is to make out that it had no effect. Right. Basic boarding school skills. Classic Phil. Yeah, classic Phil.

Classic little Phil. Will Anderson and I signed, and a guy wanted our signatures on each of his biceps, and then he got a tattoo, and now he has our signatures there. Really? It's a good thing I didn't give my real signature. I could have been in a lot of trouble. Or my real name.

Is that kind of like a career motivator for you to sort of succeed and get bigger and bigger so that this guy's not walking around with a tattoo that means... That is the only motivation. I was quite happy with the way my career was going until I remembered that. I like flying under the radar, you know, being one of those kind of acoustic guitar players that helped inspire Bruce Springsteen.

I like being Arlo Guthrie. That's what I wanted to be. You just don't want to let that guy down. No, I feel this urge to sell out and sign a big contract with Sony. This is the end of my career. Was this guy's... Did he have guns? Or was he just...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah? That was good. That made me feel good about it. That you're signing an actual bicep rather than mine. Yeah, not something sloppy. Yeah.

Yeah. I want, like, you know... No, boobs are hard to sign. Yeah. Of course. But this... want like, you know. Boobs are hard to sign. Yeah. Of course. But this, getting back to what I was saying before though, was that it was, I think, I feel a bit bad because I think they say, hey, you should sign my breasts.

And I'm like, sure. And then they're kind of, then they're in. They're in the joke now. Yeah. And they kind of, okay. So then they'll push their breasts up so you can draw on them because they have to. Make it tight.

If they don't put their hands there then. But also, normally if you were going to write on something that was movable, you'd use your hand to steady it. Yeah. It's the natural urge. Yeah, yeah. So you have to write without... Like, you know, even a piece of paper, you'd put your left hand down and write with your

right hand. The way you stop that is I do it with the texture in my mouth. With my hands behind my back. I put the texture in the eye of my dick. So it doesn't get awkward. Yeah. It's a Mr Squiggles special. Upside down, Miss Jean.

Yeah, and it's just, and I don't sign my name, I just draw a line between their breasts over and over again. I think that is funny. The name here says Mr Hot Dog. Well, you go, your natural inclination is to steady it with your hand, but if you did that, the girl would be like,

are you a fucking pervert? Don't put your hand on my tits. Now get back to writing your name on my breast. I do think it's a strange breach of, I think it's imposing. They're giving you that amount of flesh to write on. Not all of it. Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

But I mean, I don't know. That's blurred lines. I also get a lot of middle-aged women feeling me up. That happens a lot. Really? Oh, well, you know. When I get a photo, like they want a photo with me. It's in the back.

They get a bit excited. It's in the back. They kind of really feel your back. It's weird. Sometimes if my back's sore, your back. Yeah, it's a bit weird. Sometimes if my back's sore, I quite like it. It feels good. If you've got a bit of back fat and you've got issues about it, it's not good.

You know, there's like little hidden pockets back there. Well, I don't know. I'll have to ask some of these ladies. When did that happen, though? That became a thing with photos where it's become accepted that if you ever get a photo with anyone, and I'm not talking about being well-known, i'm just talking about at a party or anything that everyone has to hold each other now yeah people used to not people i mean no people were more embarrassed about having their photo taken because it wasn't it wasn't something that

you could do at any moment in the day that's right getting your photo taken was an effort or even you know it's uh seeing the photo was months away, you know. But now you can just say tick, tick, tick, tick. Like there's a whole generation, like probably our parents are the last generation of who don't feel comfortable smiling in front of you and still kind of pull weird faces. And now everyone is like people pull weirder faces in real life and then they kind of look normal in a photo because they do that more often. Like I'm 27 and I still haven't worked out my photo face i haven't worked out that you know some people just have it just they know just where to go with it like every

time we get family like at family functions we get photos taken dad'll go to he'll take the photo and then he'll go to me can you stop doing that can you stop trying to look like an idiot i'm like that's just my head yeah i don't know how to make it not, I haven't worked out how to make it not look like this. Yeah, I didn't know how to smile. I'd say smile, and I think I used to just pull my face taut. I didn't understand. When I was little, so there's lots of pictures of me, yeah, just like,

it looks like I'm smiling sarcastically. I was trying to do what they were saying, I just didn't get it. I didn't know what I looked like. Makes you sound like the most bleak child. I had no idea of the concept of smiling. That's funny. That's the second time I've heard someone say that story in one day where someone said

to me, oh yeah, I remember when I was a kid and I didn't know how to smile. I'm like, how do you not know how to use your face? It doesn't matter how old you are. No, but you don't know how to use your face because you know how to smile when something makes you happy, but when you've got a camera aimed at you, you have to do it on command, you're seven years old and it's not really the happiest thing that's going to make you smile.

Yeah, it's like that thing where, look, I've never done any acting work and my auditions put paid to that constantly, but my fear is to get something and then have to, like I keep hearing about that thing of when you walk and you have to walk when you're acting. Yeah. And then sometimes I'll be just walking down the street and i'll think hey what if you're in a movie right now and my walking just starts going oh i don't know how do you do this how do you do this and then i've seen people yell at you on the street and say i don't believe you it's not very believable

the way you're going to the post office at the moment by the way we were talking about uh older ladies and there was an older lady that ripped into Tommy while he was... Oh, yeah. Before we get to that, though, I haven't finished with the signing the breasts thing. Oh, right, yes. There's more to this. So she's yelled that out.

Yeah. You know, I can't believe I've got to pay for this CD. And so I'm then selling a CD to someone else and kind of talking to them who was at the show, and this girl who'd yelled out is standing there next to Craig Egan who runs the gig and she turns to him and goes, you know I really did send him a photo of my tits and you know

what the best part of it is? I was at a funeral when I sent that photo. And he goes and Craig goes, is that the best bit? Exactly what he said. Well it's always good if you can find a bit of light in the moment of real sadness. But it's also...

But this is like the song lyrics again. You're denying her a sense of humour because you're like, oh, this weird woman, why'd she do that? Like, you know, what you were saying with song lyrics. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I reckon... Because she's got a dark sense of humour. Yeah, yeah.

So she's having a joke. Well, but that's also like sending a photo of your breasts to a no-name comedian over Snapchat. I would argue that there's no better place than a funeral to do that. I would argue that's the perfect forum for it. If you're at a funeral while you're listening to this podcast, we think send Tommy some pictures of some boobs now. Text him now.

But also that night a lady came up to me and bought a CD for her daughter who was with her and she was telling me... How did they pay? Carefully. So I... It was a woman I used to play basketball with. Actually, went to America with because of a boys team and a girls team. She was

from my club and we played basketball in the States and I probably hadn't seen her in roughly 20 years and she came down with her two daughters actually so she comes up to me and she tells me all that she goes oh i know justin and great show tonight and rah rah and we're just chatting and i go oh have you have you have you spoken to justin and told him that you did all that stuff all that time ago and she goes nah i want to talk to him i'll wait for a minute because he's just in the toilet at the moment taking a dump. I'm like, all right.

And you know what the best thing was? I was standing behind her. I wasn't in the toilet. Yeah, she goes and stands next to the door of the toilet with her two daughters and waiting for Justin to come out. Did they want Justin to sign a term? I would have done it. But I was behind her at the table talking to ex-Bunter boy Damien

and chatting away and had no idea that she was there. But she was in good form that night, apart from that kind of comment. She was fine. But then she came along on a Saturday night. She came along. She got really horrendously drunk. The show on the Saturday is like a 5 o'clock show, so it's done by 7.30, 8 o'clock, which, by the way,

if you ever get an opportunity to do a 5 o'clock show, fucking do it. Because you get to 8 o'clock and you go, wow, I've still got my Saturday night. It's amazing, right? Right, yeah. So then she got hammered, and Tommy had talked about how he had cancer and how he overcame it, and she just started calling him Cancer Boy all night. Hey, Cancer Boy!

But this was me in a... During the show? No, afterwards, in conversation with someone else, and she's on the end of the tape. Reboots out? There was no Snapchat, my friend. No, they... Let go of Snapchat

or them being signed, she just had them out and about. Yeah. While yelling out, cancer boy... Cancer boy was written on the breast, so cancer was on one and boy was on the other and she kind of lifted her top up. I was like, that's inappropriate. Do you Snapchat girls and send them your bone marrow?

The clumsiest. I don't even know what bone marrow is. I was about to say. Dr. Dickhead over here. I was about to say it would come with, guess what this is. Can you write on Snapchat? See, that's the thing. Like, I had it back before technology, but kids who get sick now,

you know, there's just an app. There's just an app for it. There's a bone marrow app that you download for 99 cents off the app store and then you queue it. See, we didn't have that back in my day. We had to fly it over from overseas. Oh, it's bullshit. I hated the past.

How good's the present? I reckon the future's going to be ace too. Just quickly to follow up on something from last week, I talked about being in an ad. I've filmed another ad recently. Yep. And I put the call out to sort of say if people can guess if people – because I don't stick out in it, so I tried to make a bit of a thing of seeing if people could pick me. Are you Amy?

How good would that be? That would be amazing. Imagine if you popped up from underneath the desk. How wonderful is she smiling? Are you the new pilot for Flight Centre? That would be awesome. That would be amazing. That would be good.

That would be incredible. That would be amazing. That would be good. That would be incredible. That would not, yeah. I mean, you know, I think you'd look like a great comedian, but you as a pilot, I don't know. Yeah. You'd need some confidence. I like the uniform. You carved out of wood in the front of every Flight Centre office.

That would be awesome. I love the idea of being like that uniform. I reckon anyone looks good in that uniform. That's a great uniform. Are you the new Captain Coles? Already? Yeah. But you can't tell us what ad it is.

No, no, I'll tell you now. I just wanted to see if people could spot me on the TV. Oh, you're going to wait. You'd rather wait. I'll say now. I mentioned this last week. I'll say now because it's actually not, it hasn't really been on that much. It is an ad. I'll say now, because it's actually, it's not, it hasn't really been on that much. It is an ad.

I'll tell you how it came up. I was, I auditioned for it and I was driving to dinner, this is like a month or so ago now, at the radio on, and the news came on and there was an announcement on the news that Rolf Harris had been arrested and formally charged. And then a minute later, my phone rang and it was this casting agent saying, you've got it. You're in the new ad for British Paints. So that's exactly how that happened, the timing of that.

So I'm in a new little ad for British Paints. Trust British Paints. Sure can't. But we filmed them, and there's a whole lot of things about them that don't make a lot of sense. And I was on set just kind of being a bit of a dickhead. And I'm like, I don't quite get why this is happening and this is happening. Why this old man is taking my pants off?

And one of the guys from the company from British Pants who was there just turns to me and goes, look, mate, we didn't really get a lot of time to work over these. We just had to rush them out pretty quickly. So, yeah. So I've taken over. So what are you doing? Fingering a kid

Wow Well they really didn't think that through Maybe that's why no one's seen it so far Maybe they should have kept Pearl Faris It's only on after 1am Allegedly No I'm in a camping scene Right

What are you doing? In a camping scene What's Rolf doing to you? But you're in a camping scene And then you think What's Rolf doing to you? But you're in a camping scene And suddenly you think You know what these trees need? A lick of paint Rolf is

Stoking the flames So to speak What's the paint connection For you in a camping scene? It's like a group of mates Puffing paint In a forest That would be better

That would actually be better Yeah it's you on the back of a tram. The 96 tram. Oh, primary blue. Oh, you've just blown a clown. I've been thinking with Rolf being in the news, I keep having this thought, and it's not the right thought to have, but I keep thinking it.

I keep feeling sorry for him that he got caught. It's like it was 83 and he probably thought oh I've gotten away with this use beauty I'll die soon and it'll be fine and he's like

oh like I mean obviously it's a terrible thing that's happened maybe it may have happened but I feel sorry for him in this weird way

that it's like he almost got away with it yeah literally if it wasn't for you meddling kids yeah you're the kind

hang on I meddled with the kids. Sorry, sorry. You're the kind of guy that watches Breaking Bad and says, why can't he just keep cooking meth? Yeah. Why can't he just keep cooking meth? I do.

When I watch Breaking Bad, I always think, why doesn't Skylar lighten up and enjoy the money? That's what I always think. Yeah, yeah. I was about to say, what you were saying about Rolf is exactly like Breaking Bad because we're recording this before the final ever episode has aired. Yeah. And, yeah, there's part of me going, oh, if the cancer just wipes him out and then he's

done and he's just got, you know, it's like that same thing. He's so close. He's so close to just dying with cancer and then he'll show them all. Then he's won. I cannot fucking wait for that final episode. I'm off the social media all day and then I sit down and I watch it and then I read 728 articles that I find all over the net

and just love it. I'm the exact opposite, and this will hurt you, in that I have, I'm not sure which series, like series four, sitting near my TV and I've watched half of it oh yeah no but that's good I reckon because you've got it all ahead of you

no I know doesn't that show a certain lack of enthusiasm no you're busy I am busy I'm not raising kids I don't have a wife no actually my wife's holding me back

she's not yeah see no that happens is this a new conversation no no but she's kind of like she's not 100 Yeah, see? No, that happens. Is this a new conversation? No. No, but she's kind of like, she's not 100% into it, so it's a bit like trying to get someone to go to the dentist.

Do you know what's breaking bad? You're not in the mood. She's never in the mood for it, so I just have to cut her loose, I think. This is why I'm single. I get heaps of shit done because I'm alone. And I can just go, yeah, I'm going to do this now. And by heaps of shit done, you mean heaps of TV watched? TV watched. I can have a wank whenever I want.

I can sleep with whoever I want. That gets in the way, doesn't it? No, I can do all of that. I'm not supposed to because it would be noisier, but I can. Yeah. If I want to. You're walking around deciding women's breasts whether they want it or not. Oh, yeah, yeah. I can If I want to. You're walking around deciding women's breasts whether they want it or not. Oh, yeah, yeah.

I can do whatever I want. You offer it. It's all there. It's just I've yet to do anything about it. Might start this year. Warming boobs up for Daslo. So, Daslo, do you get your boob slops over here?

Yeah. Yeah, I want that to become a recurring thing. From now on, I only want to be seeing photos of breasts that Gleeson has signed. Yeah, yeah.

Tummy all slops. Yeah. Well, guys, that is just about all the time we have for today on the Little Dum Dum Club. Justin Hamilton, Tom Gleeson, thank you very much for joining us. Thank you. Tom Gleeson's going to... Don't use your sign for us with slops.

That would be funny. Like they say, can you just write slops? They go home to their boyfriend. They're like, oh, bloody hell. Someone's turned you down. With a texter. If I listen back to this podcast and it is edited in any way, I will be furious.

Ironically, I'm just going to edit out that part just to annoy you. Trust us. I like it. Tom Gleeson, you've got a CD. You've got an album out for five bucks, Louis C.K. style. Yeah, good one. You can download it from my website, tomgleeson.com.au. Easy.

Five dollars, bang. Yep. 70 minutes, straight out. Straight out. DVDs are dead, aren't they? I don't know. That's why I did it. I thought I'd give it a go.

Yeah. All right. Yeah. I much prefer the CD over the DVD. Do you? Yeah. You prefer listening? Yeah.

I think you can listen to this, too, on your DVD player with your eyes closed. You prefer listening? Yeah. I think you can listen to this too on your DVD player with your ice cubes. Wow, what a function. That's only five bucks. You wedged that in. What about you, Hammer? What have you got coming up? You've got your podcast? I've got the podcast.

Can you take this photo, please? I have an interesting run of comedians coming up. I'm not going to tell you who it is, but it is people you have not heard on podcasts before. So strap yourselves in. That is going to be fascinating. Possibly someone whose repertoire we were talking about earlier? Potentially. Is it also someone who they've never done comedy before as well?

Well, that's debatable. No, no, no, they have, they have. I was just going for the joke. I was just going for the joke. I was just going for the joke. Yeah. But I also have the next season of The Shelf coming up. Yeah. They can buy tickets for The Toff in Town, 18th of November, 25th of November, 2nd of December.

I just remembered something as well. I'm doing shows at the Comedy Store in Sydney. They're the last shows of Hello Bitches. When are you doing those? October. Yeah, I forgot. I'm also doing a one-off show in November

at the Comedy Store which I think is the 29th of November which you can find out through the Comedy Store website. Yeah, go to the... In fact, the Comedy Store, there's a lot of people

doing shows there. So if you're in Sydney and you feel like you've missed out on all the Melbourne love during the Comedy Festival or you didn't get to the Sydney Comedy Festival, there's lots of shows coming through.

It's the best room in Australia. It's always a great line-up. If you go down any Friday, Saturday, Thursday night, that's the order that those days come in. You'll see heaps of friends at the show at all various times. We've still got the t-shirts, littledumbdumbclub at gmail.com. You are in Perth this Friday. Yes,

if you listen to this when it comes out in the day or two straight afterwards, I am doing a one-off show. This is the last time I'll plug it. One-off show, Perth, Brisbane Hotel, 4th of October on the Friday night, 7pm before the big show at 8.30. I'm doing a one-hour show. The Carl Channel has literally 1.5 million jokes,

and there's plenty of tickets sold already. We'd love to get all the Perth people down, and afterwards, when you went to Perth, did you go to that nightclub that they invited us down to? I didn't because I got a red-eye flight home. And he said to come down on the Saturday. Well, I'm a chance. I'm not doing a show after at 7 till 8 o'clock. I'm up for a beer afterwards if people want to come and see the show and then get hammered with me.

Also, if anyone who comes to these gigs in Perth or Sydney or that, we will sign boobs and biceps. Guys, thank you very much for listening and we will see you next time. See you, mates.