The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 158 - Tony Martin & Ed Kavalee

Episode Date: October 17, 2013

Crystal Skulls, Tom Aids and Almost Ninja Turtles. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey mates, welcome once again into the little dum-dum club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo and sitting next to me, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day dickhead. Should we just get straight into it? Let's just bring our guests in. Sure. Okay.

Okay, no, you've got, you really want to, we've got two guests here who are keen to promote their new vodka that they're in town with. Well, speaking of, that's exactly what I do want to talk about. That's exactly. Well, go, let's introduce the guests. Okay, well, you know them individually from heaps of things, but together you'll know them as the hosts of Get This. Please welcome into the little Dum Dum Club, Tony Martin and Ed Cavill.

Yes, thank you, guys. Good to be here. My first time, gentlemen, thank you for having me. Thank you for being here. My first Dum Dum Club. Yes. And. Good to be here. My first time, gentlemen, thank you for having me. My first Dum Dum Club. Yes. And very happy to be here. Thank you for having me and Tony. Good to see you.

It's good to be back. The last time I was here, Greg Fleet was sitting. I can't do anything that Fleet does. Nothing. And it was that awkward moment where we thought this would be great and then I didn't think that we had to stay around And tidy up and whatever And then you were like Oh I'll best be going then

And Fleety's like I'll come with you And then it's like Oh what have we What have we set Tony up for He's going to be 20 bucks I never loaned him any money I'm still waiting for the 70 fuck

70 fuck Yeah man Did I just say that Look at this guy I'm losing it We've been waiting for the 70 fucks. We were in that episode of Underbelly with him. Oh, Greg Fleet's sex junkie.

And that's it. He still owes me 75 bucks, not 70 fucks, for his half of the Criterion Laser Disc of Taxi Driver. Thank you very much. His half? What? Well, we went halves in a LaserDisc back in the 90s. Who remains the owner of it?

I still have it in a special cabinet because I figured that I wouldn't see it again. A special fleety-proof cabinet. Well, there you go. If you're listening, Greg, 75 Centitones PO Box. Now, what I was going to say about the Dan Aykroyd, because Dan Aykroyd's been hawking his wares the last week or two. You would have seen that all over. He probably came to your house, Ed.

Yeah. It was a knock at midnight. Glass skull full of vodka, is that what it is? Well, you go, because then I've got something about this. I'm not going to try and promote it Aykroyd style, but I have something related to this vodka, which I didn't realise until I'd seen Dan Aykroyd. You know when televisions are on but the sound's off?

And I'd seen him on the Today Show and I'd seen him on the Project and I'd seen him in other places. Just when I was at the gym or walking past some televisions and I kept seeing Dan Aykroyd and I kept thinking, oh, Dan Aykroyd's in town. Like, he must be doing a show. Do you know what I mean? Like, he must be...

I was looking around, like, where is he on? Is he on at the art centre or something like that? It's Carl. You. He wasn't. No. And then I saw him holding these little skulls, these glass skulls. Yeah.

And I thought, well, it's a one-man Hamlet show. Perhaps. You're on Hamlet. A funny Hamlet. And I thought, well, this will be all right. Dan Aykroyd, one-man Hamlet. You know, what could go wrong? I just like that he's now basing his life on the later seasons of Entourage.

He's done a turtle. He was just flogging vodka. Just his own... He was getting into trouble for swearing at SBS presenters for not... Did you know I say this? He was on an SBS

one-on-one show where they're going through his career and he'd bring up vodka, and they'd go, Anyway, back to the Blues Brothers. And he's like, he got to the end of it and was like, and they go one more too many times. They go, So how did you come up with Dr. Ivan's? And they go, Look, are we going to fucking talk about the vodka or not? It's being crystallized.

It's the purest thing. And then they go we're not really that sort of show and he got up and went fuck you hosebags and walked out really

he called them hosebags yeah I love it yeah so this is vodka he brews himself in a basement

surrounded by posters for the couch trip yeah the great outdoors yeah but what happens to people like what happens to people he's Dan Aykroyd for the couch trip. Yeah. I said, yeah, the great outdoors. But what happens to people? Like, what happens to people?

He's Dan Aykroyd. Yeah. He is a super billionaire. He's got an amazing comic legacy and that vodka, the first time I saw that skull, but my buddy,

Josh Lawson, you know, who lives in LA and he's working over there, he did, he finished a series of House of Lies, and you get sent the best presents.

You just get sent. I was staying with him, and I was home during the day because I was doing nothing. And he was at work, and he's like, Buddy, can you just, when the doorbell rings, can you answer it? I was like, certainly I can. And every five minutes, you'd just get a knock on the door, DHL, and you'd go, and you'd open the door.

And Dan Aykroyd pushing his vodka. Yeah, he's like, Dan, I've said no. And it'd just be sweet gift after sweet gift just for being in a TV show and doing a great job. And one of them was this vodka, this skull of vodka. And I said, oh, mate, that looks like it's good stuff. And he goes, yeah, yeah, before we open it, let's see how much it's worth to see if we want to re-gift it or keep it.

And I'm like, smart move. Do you know what I mean? And so it was like $400 for a skull of vodka. Why is Dan Aykroyd dedicating his life to this? It's like something Brent Michaels should be doing. That's the thing about it. I mean, being entrepreneurial and saying I'm going to start up a liquor, that's perfectly fine,

but the crystal skull thing is what tips it over into being, you're a crazy person. He's doing this. But why is he doing it? In all honesty, try and get yourself into the mind of Ackroyd. So he doesn't need the money. He's still working. He was in the campaign.

He's still working. He's got a chain of nightclubs, the blues. That's right, yes. He was behind the candelabra. He's working. Why? And why come all the way to Australia? That's my favourite bit of it is that someone's thinking,

that's what's going to help this vodka fly off the shelves, is if the man himself comes to the continent. It's true. And like of all people, so let's say, all right, then now take it one step back. I'm the vodka company and I'm looking for a face for my product. Are all the supermodels taken? Yeah, yeah.

Is there no Victoria's Secret models that want a job? No, it's got the fattest, you know. Is Harold Ramis taken? Yeah, exactly. We'll move on to the next one. It was just bizarre. You guys, both individually and Tony, it's like 30, 40 years in the future. What would be your strange entrepreneurial thing?

What would be something that you guys would like to hawk? I love developments, like housing developments that claim to be 20 minutes from the CBD by jetpack. I genuinely like those because I watch Poltergeist. I re-watched Poltergeist the other day. So like Delphin by Cavalier? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because when I used to drive the Black Thunders, those because i watch poltergeist i re-watch poltergeist the other day so like dolphin by cavill yeah yeah yeah because when i used to drive the black thunders um we used to have to go like as soon as the suburb opened up we were the first people there we'd get there before nando's like

we were the first the paint was still drying on the mcmansions and we'd be handing out nickelback cds right and every time we went there i was was staggered, Tone. You could put one anywhere, any industrial state that you liked. I'm in Melbourne somewhere. Someone told me that it's literally on a swamp that it's sinking in. I'm not saying dolphin, but some product. You see what I mean? But you can just sell them. And that I would love to get.

Oh, and here's a little bit of a fact, Tone. And guys, if you were the first person to buy a house on a brand-new street, you got to name it. Oh, what? You got to name the street? Yes. I love that. Forever.

The street was named. Is that why you want a brand-new house? So you can name all the streets? Cavalry parade. What's that one in Nary Warren? Isn't there Leo Wanker Drive Oh really That's Paul Hogan isn't it

Somebody Wanker Yeah yeah Real street It's the most stolen street sign What's Neighbours called Remember what's the cul-de-sac called The real life one You know the one where you go on the tour?

Yeah. There was a guy once, he was an extra in a show that I was working on, and he lived in one of the houses. Was he a big stoner? He was. That's the thing they always say. That's what he said. Why?

Why do they always say that? Just huge plumes of dope smoke coming out of the houses in Ramsey Street. This guy, I remember him saying, he goes, mate, there'll be a tap on the window, and you'll be, there'll be, you know, there'll be a tap on the window and you open up and there'll be all these fucking British twos looking in your window and you haven't even had your first bong today. Well, you know, and you know how they do the nights. I don't know if they still do them, Neighbours Nights.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because Dr. Carl plays guitar down at the Elephant Wheelbarrow. Yes, he does. And I've had numerous friends who've done Neighbours over the years, and they have a bit where they'll go, write down a question, and we'll ask the people on the stage your question. And it's one, I think it's Dr. Carl's job or someone else's job to sift through the questions from the backpackers,

because 90% of the questions from the backpackers are, want a route and a phone number. Who were they going to? Who were they propositioning? Dr. Carl or Toadfish? Well, there was a rift in the neighbor's camp because another established actor started up the nights in competition to Dr. Carl's night. And so they were doing like a...

Stephen Dennis had his own? Yeah, Dennis. But his was in a dungeon. It was a very different evening. And they were saying who, you know, they were sort of signing people up. Who are you going with? You know, it's like beta and VHS.

Like who are you going to side with? And my friends... World Series Neighbours. That's exactly right. World Series Neighbours or Super League if you're in New South Wales. And then they ended up, one of my friends signed up with the rival faction, and you got a lot more money,

but it meant you were banned from Dr. Carl's. Oh, I love it. Yeah. I love it. That should be the show. That's more entertaining than the actual show Neighbours. Have you seen it recently? I have not.

No, I used to have to watch. I got into it because when we did the great TV birth, which I was a writer on, that was my job, was to watch Neighbours every week. And I got into it. I really did genuinely get into it. Funding cuts, Tone, and the move to 11 have hurt them badly. Well, see, I always heard that on Neighbours,

it had to go really badly for there to be a second take. Oh, yeah. Oh, really? Pretty much take one of everything. Just get it. If they said the words right, moving on. And I used to hear this from people who worked on it all the time. And I was telling someone this on the set of Upper Middle Bogan.

And this makeup woman had been listening and was really offended. And she just, like, slammed her plate. Just said, that is a lie. We will regularly do a second take. But never a third. Coming from the makeup ladyup lady as well, is she the one screaming cut? I'm reading in the paper today

that someone has been sacked from Neighbours, Kim Valentine. Oh, yeah, there's a lawsuit. She's now running a Twitter campaign to get back on the show. Oh, yeah, right. Remember, Michaela Bannis took over her role of Libby for a few months.

Valentine needed some time off. But then when she came, couldn't come back or didn't come back. She's saying they didn't honour her contract the way they were meant to. And they're saying, you know, bad luck or whatever. So she's starting a campaign to get it. But it works on Home and Away. If you look at Home and Away now, apart from the new

young, hot whoever it is, it's the same people that were on there 70 years ago. We're not talking about this. It's the Sullivan's. Is this a concept of Home and Away and Neighbours and stuff like that? All the 15-year-olds, are they all on like 50 bucks a week or whatever and then you've got Alf Stewart and whatever on how much? Other way around.

So it gets to a point where you need the show more than the show needs you. Yes, yes. So they have these moments where you tick over into an extension where they go, you know, with someone who's been there a long time, they're like, look, here's a new contract for three years. And they're like, thank you.

And they go, well, but the good news is it's only, you know, not much a week. And they're like, well, you know, stuff you. But then they think, I don't know if I'll get much other work. And so they stay. And the younger types who are only on there for two or three years, they're on quite good money and this is what happens. They get to the end of it and they've got all this money in the bank

and they go, I am it. Here I go. And they go to LA and last time I was there, you know, getting nothing. Last time I was there, I was in a restaurant and a tap on the shoulder. And you get a tap on the shoulder in LA, you just don't turn around. If you've got a gun, you just fire backwards and keep walking.

That's Ed's rule of thumb in any restaurant. I'm starting to understand why you came home. Man, you shouldn't go to so many Kill Bill themed restaurants. And it was someone who was on Neighbours for a few years and was like at the Logies, you know, was like on a Dancing with the Stars, that kind of thing. And I said, oh, how's it going? And they're like, good.

They're like, how long have you been here? Five years. And you're like, oh, my God. And how's it going? Really good. I said, really? And like they're working in this you know pretty i go to shit restaurants you know tone like a quantity based joints the tips wouldn't have been very high and i said oh yeah there's a bit a bit extra cash here

and they said yeah i've decided to take a calendar year off acting. A calendar year? Instead of the... Instead of the financial. So, what? Opted. Opted. Opted out. It's burning down the office. It's burning down.

Tell Copler I am. 200 days into this thing and I'm going to get to the end. And I thought, so what happens? You get to 364 days. Michael Bay rings up and says, hey, you're the lead in Transformers 5. And you go, ah, no. I made a promise. You just missed out.

I'm very sorry to tell you this. I'm a man of my word. I told Ed Cavalier at McDonald's that I didn't have anything. But you always see, like, every year

there'll be an interview with Kerry Armstrong in the week. Once a year, yes. And it'll be how after Lantana I could have done this. I remember her saying that she was, they were wanting her to host Saturday Night Live.

What? After Lantana? Lorne Michaels was begging her. And can you ever really? I'm not saying it didn't happen. You know, Eric Banner is a sketch comedian. He's never hosted. Really, were they wanting Kerry Armstrong from Lantana to come out and do the Miley Cyrus sketches?

Really? Whenever I read a story like that in The Good Weekend, I think of the line from the McAuliffe program. We're sure McAuliffe said, and next up, Paul Cronin says, Hollywood can wait. That was the thing about that show as well. Like, if you were just any person Who was in the media at some point You could be watching the McAuliffe program And out of nowhere you'd get a shot

Do you remember that time And now Francis has organised an outing For us all Do you remember that No And Sean goes And now Francis Screenslater Has organised an outing for us all

Cut to Francis at a grand piano In a tuxedo And he plays a little thing and he goes, diddly-diddly-ding, Rove McManus. Sean looks confused and goes to the next bit. He's out of nowhere. I remember there was one where he was in the middle of a monologue

and there was a doorbell rang and he went over and opened the door and the scared weird little guys were there and he just closed the door and went back to where he was. They agreed to do that. He's amazing. Do you know what? This was found the other day.

Now, this is something that I did before entering the world of comedy when I was just a pleb, just like the idiots that listen to this thing. You know, just one of them. Sad people on the train on the way to their jobs. Well, that's exactly. I was on the train one day and I was going to my job in Hawthorne and I read, I'm sure you would remember this man. He was the TV critic of the time about 10 years ago, Robert Fidgen, the TV critic.

Were you on the wrong end of a fidgeting at any stage? We had a 20-year war with Robert Fidgen. Oh, really? Yeah. I wasn't a fan of The Late Show. Of course. I remember the great episode of The Late Show where you pulled out these caricatures from TV Week, which was amazing.

Yeah, and I got people to try and identify them from the audience. They all looked the same because they all had massive gums. Whoever they were, they had to have massive gums. And his wife was the editor of the TV Week. Oh, really? Right, right. So I found this thing, when someone found it for me, it's on the internet somewhere where, yeah, ten years ago I was on the internet somewhere where um uh yeah 10 years

ago i was on the train going to hawthorne and he just savaged mccarloff one too many times for the chan man to put up with so he just kept going kept going and i and it was when he mccarloff had his tonight show um and he was saying how bad it was and how everything else in the world was better than it and it was terrible it was terrible and i just wrote i'd never written a letter to the editor before but i wrote this scathing letter to the Wednesday Herald Sun going, look, mate, I don't know who the fuck you think you are, but, and just wrote this massive letter and just sent it in and thought, well, I've been so horrible to this guy in this letter. I'll never hear back from him.

Anyway, four weeks later, I open up the paper. He's printed the entire thing on page three of the TV Guide, like a full page, all my letter, except like he started off with, hey, you know, a lot of people say that I bag McHale, so I thought I'd give this guy a go. Printed the whole letter and then got to the end of it and went, look, I tried to print it all apart from the bits that would result in lawsuits and that so many people in the TV industry could sue this guy for.

So I didn't put that in, but then at the end went, so there he is, there's his go, but let's just say McAuliffe just got the fucking ass last week, so who was right in the end? See you next week, Robert Fidgen. There used to be a phrase in television, the price of a good review from Robert Fidgen was lunch used to be a phrase in television, the price of a good review from Robert Fidgen was lunch at Vlados. Right. And that was the thing. When you got a new show, you had to take Robert Fidgen to Vlados.

A lot of steak. I don't know if you've been to Vlados. Yeah, we've been, yeah. It's a whole meat restaurant where all the pictures on the walls are photographs of cows grazing and feeding. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just giving you a look like, yeah. Choose me. And they're so, like, we went there and we got a friend of the show, Mike Brown, took

us there for a meal one after Comedy Festival one year. What did he want? Uh-huh. What did he want out of you guys? A favourable podcast? No. He got a festival pass out of us. Yeah, we got him a festival pass out.

He's done all right. He took us out for dinner. It was very nice. But we got like a, whatever it is, like the banquet thing that you get. Yeah. And it's just, your entree is just like, your first thing you get is just a sausage on a plate. Yeah, yeah.

No fanfare, just a single sausage on a plate. And if you ask for vegetables, it's like you've said something really offensive. Yeah, mate, there's no carrots on the wall. There's a token effort of a bit of salad that they put on the table that is just the mankiest bagged shit from coals. And they just fling it on the table and walk off. In disgust. There you go, you vegan homos.

Enjoy your lettuce. But I like all the different types of mustard require their own trip to the table from the waiter. I'm into it. I'm so into it. What's your mustard of choice? Because I'm trying to try all the Master Foods mustards. Oh, yeah.

Because I don't have much to do. One per day. You've got a little calendar crossing them off. You've got an advent calendar of mustard. So what's your mustard of choice? I like a Dijon A's. I like a... Alright, so Dijon.

Come on. Yeah, I'm... Seated? No, no, no. I don't mind Dijon. I have to have the Dijon because I can't have the super hot. Oh, that's your English. Yeah.

There's English and then hot English. Hot English is not for human consumption. Right. It comes in a solid metal urn. You can't put it in glass. It'll break out. What's the thing about this restaurant? Because it's all meat and you've got the pictures on in glass. It'll break out. Also, I think about this restaurant, because it's all meat and you've got the pictures on the wall.

What I took out of it, there's no windows, so it actually looks like a slaughterhouse. It's like the casino. They don't want you to know what time of day it is, how long you've been in there eating steaks. I just want you to keep spending money on the Shazlicks. I love a Shazlick. One thing I will say is if you are in the market for a mustard,

Australian is my current clubhouse leader. Who's producing this? Master Foods. And it's got a little tang, so it's hot but not too hot. It's sort of your more yellow mustard, but it goes well with lamb, chicken. Are you being paid for this? What are you turning this podcast into? This is the Crystal Skull.

It does, and it comes with a little skull. Oh, mustard skull. I love the idea of that. Mouse skull. Hot mustard. I'm just saying that if anyone is interested, it is very nice. Condiments is something that I'm

into. Once you find a good brand, I like mayo on a sandwich. Once you find a good brand. I like mayo on a sandwich. Once you find your brand of mayo. Praise? Are you praised? I know what the label looks like, but I actually don't know the name of it. It's one of your fancier.

Oh, fancy. Fancy mayonnaise. Deli quality. I'm suspicious that Paul Newman has been dead for a number of years now, that people are adding new flavours to his range of salad dressings that he's had nothing to do with. You never approve of that. My supermarket had the, of course, you've got the vinaigrette. Always.

And then the light vinaigrette. But now the creamy vinaigrette. No way. Which seems like a contradiction. Absolutely right. It's oil and water. Paul Newman knows nothing of this. Someone else, another less Aidan Quinn or someone,

has gotten into the... Stephen Dorff has gotten into the factory of putting out new flavours. Dorff is your electronic cigarettes guy in America. He does the electronic cigarettes ads, and they just look so daggy. You can't... Like, the Marlboro Man was a legend, like on a horse, whip cracking.

Stephen Dorff is walking along the beach,boro Man was a legend. Like, on a horse, whip-cracking. Stephen Dorff was walking along the beach, basically sucking on a pen. Yeah, yeah. Trying to look cool. It's not... It should be Daft Punk doing it. Yeah, yeah. That would be amazing.

Yeah, right. On Future or someone. Yeah, it's absolutely right. I want to pull this back to Dan Aykroyd at the start of the episode. Please. I wish that you would. I got us off track. Because he was on, as you were, Tony, two weeks ago.

He was on This Week Live last night. I work in there and I wanted to get a photo with Dan Aykroyd. I saw you stab someone in the audience. That was me. That was you. That was you. What's going on over there? It's good to get the brand out there.

Shouldn't have left that management. there. Shouldn't have left that management. Obviously the blood spurting through your mouth wasn't as much of an attention grabber as we thought. Let's talk about that quickly because we haven't talked about this on the show yet. So we filmed that for This Week Live, this little skit where we were sitting in the audience and you stabbed me. And we did one where I then looked into camera and I had blood capsules in my mouth and had

blood kind of pooling out of my mouth. And then we did a take and then the guy filming it went, oh, we'll just do another one. This time, can you look into camera and smile after you've been stabbed? And I was like, that's why would I do that? And he said, oh, because the sensors have told us like that's the way. It's only going to be okay if you're smiling. Otherwise, it's not going to get through.

With the blood coming any manner. The message that the sensors want to put across is being stabbed is a happy old time. If you're not pushing that agenda, then we can't possibly put this through. Is that a policy that extends to, say, law and order special victims? Yeah, exactly. As well? Really? I know.

That's on an hour before this. Yeah, didn't you see Philadelphia on Channel 10 on Sunday night where Tom Hanks... Tom Hanks! Oh, I got to the punchline a little bit too quickly. Tom Hanks. New comedy character. Tommy Hanks.

Well, at the moment, he's Tom type 2 diabetes. Oh, really? You know that? Tom Hanks is... In real life, or is that a film? No, no, no. No, in real life. He's got type 2, which is the one that you get.

It's the one, the developmental one that you get. And when they were reporting it, I heard it the other day, they were trying to say that it was life-threatening and they sort of battled through it to do a movie.

And you're like, all right, I don't know. I don't know how, okay, I'll just go with this because they're obviously, they want people to think Tom Hanks isn't really sick so that we can, I don't know, so I, I'll just go with this because they're obviously... They want people to think Tom Hanks is really sick so that we can... I don't know.

So I'll click on a link or something. And then the next thing I saw was him on the Jonathan Ross program reenacting that thing from Big... Dancing. Yeah, dancing on the big keyboard. And I thought, that's dramatic recovery. He is. He's up and about, this guy.

Or Tom Hanks. Tommy Hanks. Tommy Hanks. Oh, well, actually, let's veer back into Tony Martin was on This Week Live. Yeah, it's funny stuff. And what I enjoyed was you did a sketch that we made up where you were like a Snoop Dogg type character. You had like a huggy bear type character, like a pimp character.

But this is the bit that I liked that was told to me afterwards where you had two girls that were like, were they hired from an escort agency? I didn't ask. Lovely. They were lovely. Lovely girls. But they did look on the other side of the... Oh, boy.

Yeah. Look, they looked like they were working girls. They were professionals. Enjoyed watching you swim out of that quicksand just there. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry. I want to know where this is going.

What happened after this? This is great. This is fantastic. Sorry, Sapphire, if you're listening to this one. I didn't mean any... Carl, where are we afterwards? This is great. This is fantastic. Sorry, Sapphire, if you're listening to this one. I didn't mean any offense. Carl, where are we going? This is exciting. So the two girls were either side.

They would flank you and take your jacket off to reveal your normal self rather than the pimped up version. And what happened apparently was they sort of would take your glasses off and take your coat off and whatever. And one of the girls didn't know what to do with your glasses every take. So they went, oh, where's Tony's glasses? And she goes, oh, don't worry, they're safe. And they go, where are the glasses? She goes, oh, I put them down the back of my pants. They're tight in my bum crack.

Don't worry, they're not going anywhere. Really? So those very same glasses you have on your head right now. Every time, at the end of every day, I do put them in the steam cleaner. Because I just ate my lunch off those glasses. Wow, cracked glasses. That should have been left in the sketch. There were a number of cuts made to that sketch.

I don't know if you're aware. Wow. I should have left that in. I find it was fun going on that show. But you have a lot of jokes you've got to remember and things you've written and stuff you've got to do. The hardest thing to do is that shot where you have to sit in the dressing room in the green room while –

Yes, right. Look who's in the green room for later in the show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then the camera goes past and you've just got to be doing something. That's so weird, Josie, because I even think at home it doesn't look good. No. It looks – Pictures look good. It looks... I feel uncomfortable watching it.

I'm like, oh, this is someone's private time. People are using a vase for a telescope. They're just grabbing a prop and trying to do anything. Vase for a telescope? That's not bad. I don't know. He's got ventriloquism with his crystal skull trying to talk. Because the other one they started that you'll see a lot of

is people walking up the corridor and walking into a room with their name on it. But that never looks proper either. Yeah, the walking the corridor into the studio is a good one. The action shot. Get ready, guys. I'm about to drop some truth. I'm on the bloody warpath.

Look out, you lot. Yeah, right. So I met Dan Aykwood last night and I got a photo with him. Oh, great. We're finally there. I got a photo with him and I think that's fair enough. I wouldn't get my photo with too many people, I don't think, but a ghostbuster. Got to touch your dick on his glasses.

Yeah, all that stuff. Exciting. All that stuff. So I got a photo with him. But then Sophie Monk was on the show as well. Yeah. And I thought, I don't want to be rude. I'll get my photo with both of them separately.

And, you know, it's a funny thing to put on Facebook. You're getting a photo with Sophie Monk. But then you get to the actual thing where you're there one-on-one with Sophie Monk and it's very awkward because you're going, I just want a photo with you because of, not because of your work, because I don't know what you've done. It's like, you're sort of hot. I know.

You're pretty hot. Can I just, I just want my face to be near your face in a picture Just to prove that I was No well that's the thing Because I got quite anxious and quite nervous And a bit weird about it You know that thing where you sort of black out a little bit I didn't black out but I didn't remember what I said Until afterwards when someone said

You know what you said don't you And I said not really So I walked up to her and said Hi Sophie I'm Carl Look I'm a real total fuckhead Can I have a photo Wow and said, hi, Sophie, I'm Carl. Look, I'm a real total fuckhead. Can I have a photo? Wow.

So. Wow. And I thought that that was a, and she goes, yeah, sure. And then got a photo where she looked like she was licking my face without me asking her. Oh, wow. So that must be requested enough for her to make that a template. If you said you were a complete fuckhead, who knows what you would have done.

There's a billboard. Earlier in the year when I was in LA with Ash Williams, we were living in a one-bedroom apartment, him on the couch. And we'd be driving around because we shared a rental car. And we'd go everywhere together because we were just going to auditions and fucking him up. And so we were driving around. And one day we were driving along and I went,

dude, that's Sophie Monk. In West Hollywood, there is – imagine the biggest – you know when you drove over the Balti here in Melbourne or in Sydney if you're on the Piedmont Bridge and those sorts. Do every major city, please. Okay. Adelaide. Give us a bridge from every city.

And Adelaide if you're in Rundle Mall. Western Australia if you're near Subiaco Oval. Excellent. Tasmania. What have you got for us in Tassie? No, no. If you're near the West Point Casino. No, no.

Blundstone Arena. Okay. There you go. You're in Ballarat, the Nibble and Natter. I used to live very close to the Nibble and Natter. What's that? What's the Nibble and Natter? It's a poor man's chat and chew.

Okay. Right. exactly right. You know, like the biggest billboard you've ever seen in your life, and it's Sophie Monk, like Dan Aykroyd, advertising booze. I've seen it. Have you seen this billboard? I've seen it online. I've seen it online.

Now, how would you describe the position she's in in relation to the other girl she's with? She's lying on top. That's a very easy one. Yeah, and she's holding... Oh, I didn't get down that far. Okay, so here's the funny thing. She's sort of over the top of this other girl,

and you go, oh, that's nice. But she's holding a bottle of booze. Oh, right, yes. But she's looking out at the camera, and you're not sure what she's going to do to this poor girl. Like if it was a comic strip, and there was more billboards going along, you imagine the last one would be Sophie getting carted away by the police.

Oh, no. Not with some fatty arm buckle. Is that a stand-up? With a chalk outline of this poor other girl. It's quite confronting. Yeah. I love it. I can't remember what the booze is.

I do like that idea, though, a billboard comic strip. I just thought about that. Has no one done that? Yeah. Just keep adding moreze is. I do like that idea, though, a billboard comic strip. I just thought about that. Has no one done that? Just keep adding more billboards. Have people done that? I don't know. I don't know. There's all kinds of novelty billboards.

I like that you've thrown to Tony the billboard aficionado. He would just know things like that. See, here we go. In Auckland, I think it was in Auckland, someone did a billboard for Kill Bill when it came out on DVD, and the blood was spraying off the billboard and down the wall of the building and out onto the street. See, that's fantastic.

Was that Banksy? That's like in The Simpsons when they have that Itchy and Scratchy movie, and there's the billboard for it, and Scratchy's head is getting chopped off and blood's just pouring onto this car. They've actually done that. That's awesome. So many good ideas were first done

in Itchy and Scratchy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to ask this of Ed because last time Tony was on the show he told us afterwards the news of Ed, you were still in Hollywood

at that point and you were getting close to certain things and what the great story was, was Tony said that you came second. Oh yeah,

in Ninja Turtle Race. Yeah. Yeah, so I was over there, and I was doing auditions. Have you seen that? They're advertising that sitcom, Men at Work, and it's awful, right? And they're all – you'll start – It's been axed already after two episodes. So you'll now start seeing the awful shows that I went and auditioned for.

I did a terrible job, but you'll see them now of the things that I was going for the start of this year. And they're all very very similar and they'd send me and they'd go alright you're going to go play nerdy dad

and you go alright I can give that a swing you go in there and you know they say oh there's like 30 guys who look just like you there are 30 guys they look exactly like you

except the difference is you're like that goes from the office that goes from the parks and recreation like what am I doing here this is madness so anyway I was going to these things and I was just sort of stuffing them up.

And then one day, my manager said, they said, oh, there's a movie. Can you go in now, right now? And I said, what is it? They're like, don't worry about it. They sent one page of dialogue, which was like, where are we? Go this way. No, no, that way. Okay, great.

That was it. And it just said definitely. You did a better read than that, obviously. No, no, no. I was working my coach a lot on that one. And I i said all right and i did it and they said oh can you let's imagine this guy is technically minded i said yep all right now imagine that you've got technical things all over your body like maps and stuff like that but they're not working can you improvise some stuff around this script and it's just honestly a woman in a room with a little

handy cam and another lady saying really nice two really nice ladies and i said all right do that so i just started making up all this stuff about my iphone not working and why didn't why didn't i go to samsung and all this sort of other nonsense and i was like all right and i left and as i got downstairs the phone my phone rings they go no no you got to go back i said what have i left my keys there or something what's happened they go no they really, you've got to go back. I said, what, have I left my keys there or something? What's happened? They go, no, no, they really like you. The director's coming in an hour to meet you. I said, what is this? What is this movie? Like, what is this?

What am I doing here? And they go, it's Ninja Turtles. I said, what are we talking about? They go, no, it's Ninja Turtles. It's Donatello. He's a Ninja Turtle. I said, I'm aware of who he is. Can I just say at this point, I heard on an old Get This podcast,

an episode where we were doing things that had been of great influence, role models, people who had influenced our thinking. Yeah. And you said Donatello from the Ninja Turtles. He was always my one, yeah. Because his combination of technology-based fun and kicking ass, I found inspirational. And he was my favourite as well, yeah.

Let's be honest, he had the staff. Yeah, the Bo staff. Especially in the video games. He's always the best in the video games. I always, thank you, was my favourite as well. Let's be honest, he had the staff. Yeah, the bow staff. Especially in the video games. He's always the best in the video games. I always, thank you, I always went to him. And that is one of the all-time great video games. The arcade games, yeah. If you've got a six-hour wait at an airport,

at a submarine, what else is there to do? Wow. But I also do know that in those, I'll get this podcast, you do spend a lot of time slagging off Michael Bay. No, that's your fault. The comedy of Michael Bay. You introduced me to the joy that is the comedy of Michael Bay.

We have a theory that the worst comedy in the world is the comedy of Michael Bay. You know, the sort of... The jive talk in Foreign Robots. Oh, my God, yeah. Talking in sort of racial patois. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was ridiculous.

And there was a film recently that was about bodybuilding. Pain and Gain. Pain and Gain. Yeah. That appeared to be a whole movie of the comedy of my life. Yeah. I went and saw it, and it was, the whole time, I don't know, I was like, I just wanted to see them lift some weights.

And they didn't. It was just comedy. It was just The Rock and Wahlberg doing comedy. And Rebel Wilson's in it. And she was obviously just doing her own lines. Yeah, right. She got good laughs in the cinema I saw, but it was just so weird.

Anyway, that was very odd. So you're in the lift. You call back up. I go back up, and there's the director of Battle Los Angeles. Lovely South African guy. I meet him. He's like, hey, guys.

Yeah, great. And he goes, now look, do what you just did before, but they took the script away, and I'm just going to talk to you like another turtle. And I went, all right, very weird stuff. So I just started rattling off the sort of nerdy. Thankfully I always had all the nerd stuff that I needed. I was talking about VHS versus beta and how all that sort of weird stuff like that. And I left and they were like, great. And I was like, anyway, I get back in the car, they go, right, you're going

back on Thursday. It's down to you and another guy. They're doing chemistry tests. And I went, this is getting ridiculous. And all the while, I'm hiding the fact that I had a really bad shoulder injury. I had shoulder surgery last year. And I couldn't really lift my arm above my head, not properly. And so the idea of doing six months of turtle training, I was like, I'll just wear it. Do you know what I mean?

I'll just take a shot every day. I'll be fine. And he says to me... And you've got to wear a suit anyway. Anyone could do that bit, can't they? No, because what they said was they showed me the suit and it's six foot seven and they needed guys who were tall for Donatello because he was the tallest one and it looks incredible.

These suits are out of this world. And have they gone back to that original Turtles movie style where it is very obviously people in suits? No, no, no. It's not CGI? No, no, no. is it no no so then anyway so then they go now you've got to go read the script so i go all right i'm gonna go read the script so you go into the universal the whole thing you walk in there they give you the script

they lock you in a room and i'm locked in there with the other guys going for the other turtles yeah and it's so weird because they were all physical like human manifestations of the old cartoon characters so there was a blonde guy with his feet up right sort of half reading the script half not giving a shit right and i walk in and i go michelangelo and he goes yo and a really serious guy in the corner reading for leonardo like a real captain america and this other guy as soon as we locked i looked at each other and we went don't tell her don't tell her because he was like a bit taller than me and so nerdy. Like he was the nerdiest guy I've ever seen.

Like in a good way. Like he was so, just so tech and nerdy. And in the corner, they had the video game. Oh, no. Just sitting there. Did they bring in pizza for you? Well, no. And a giant rat.

And so then we're sitting there. We all read the script. We finish the script. Was the script on the video game? Is that what you were? Well, no. It was just sitting there sort of tempting us. I was like, why am I going to get?

Are they watching us? Is Michael Bay watching us? And if I get up and play the game rather than read the script. This, again, this is a movie. Like, this is insane. It sounds exciting, but it was very sort of, it was very, it felt kind of mundane when you were doing it. Sure.

So then when we do it, we read the script and I'm like, all right, that's a script. It's a Ninja Turtle script. It's an action movie. Tony, you can't read an action. They've never published the script of Armageddon as a hardback. It's not great reading. But it sounds incredible. The bits

that they say, you're like, how the hell are they going to do that? Anyway, next day we go in and they're taking us in lots of different types of turtles right and so i'm in there and i'm there and the second i get there i was like he's got it and he was so much better for it than i was i did well to get to that stage but he was better for it than i was i walk in and he has got taped to his body an ipad right and i went oh the touche and he's got three sets of headphones hanging off his head right and he's got Three sets of headphones Hanging off his head

Right And he's got a Discman or something Attached to his arm He looked like A guy from Tron or something That sounds more like He's auditioning for the role of

What's his name Krang Oh Krang yeah The iPad with a little face On it on his chest Yeah So then I thought Ah that's great

So we did our thing And I felt like I was Lagging behind So I got some gaffer tape And taped my iPhone to my forearm in a pathetic attempt to trump him. Anyway, we finished the day and I was like, that was just a lot of fun.

And they called back later on. They're like, no, look, they're going with the other dude. More shit taped to him. Yeah, exactly. More objects. Would you be interested in the role of Bebop or Rockstepper? And that was it. But it was a lot of fun.

Yeah. It was a lot of fun to sort of see that's what it is. Like you think it's this big thing or whatever, but that's all it is. You go to three different rooms with a bunch of people and at the end of it they go, yeah, or no, that was it. Amazing. A lot of fun. That's great. Yeah.

But now you get to see it and wonder what could have been. Well, kind of. And here's when I sort. But now you get to see it and wonder what could have been. Kind of. And here's when I sort of knew that it wasn't for me, right? Because as I left, that should have been like, here we go. I could be an actor here. This is always what I wanted. And as I wandered out, I was like, yeah, I don't know. And I thought, you know what?

You're in LA. You've got to want it. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Like, you've got to want it. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Like, you've got to want it. You were still undecided about a role that you didn't get. No, that's exactly right. And you're like, well, either way, it was sort of like, you know.

Cavalry says Hollywood can wait. Exactly. Hollywood says to Cavalry, get fucked. You're shit. So, yeah. Talking movies quickly, Tony, I wanted to see what you think of this because you're, of course, a noted film buff. I was talking to someone last night about the movie Blade Runner

and this person said to me, oh, I've never seen Blade Runner. And I was like, oh, you know, you should. It's great. And I think it holds up. And he goes, yeah, it's weird that I've never seen Blade Runner because I'm a real science fiction movie buff. Like, I'm a real science fiction fan and I've never seen Blade Runner. And I was like, I don't know that you can really claim

that if you haven't seen Blade Runner. Like, if you haven't seen one of the definitive ones. One of the five different cuts of Blade Runner. Yeah, I love that. I'm obsessed with that film and they just keep reissuing it. I love it. Someone's done a black and white trailer for it now, like an old 40s.

Oh, really? New one in there, Tony. There's another one coming. I'm it. Someone's done a black and white trailer for it now, like an old 40s noir version. Oh, really? New one in there, Tony. There's another one coming. I'm sure I saw the other day they were talking about, they're still talking about doing another sequel or prequel of some sort. He's now at the point where he's just going to ruin everything that he's doing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's ruined Indiana Jones. Wants to do another one of those.

He's 71. Yeah. Sort of, is he in the new Star Wars? Wants to be that one as well. Here's the thing. If you're in LA right now, that's the thing that would be going around. That you'd audition for and wouldn't know

it was that? Yeah. You'd get a script that'd be like, Darren and Paul go to a cafe. But it'd be suspiciously Quadrant 6. The waiter, brackets Yoda. Exactly. I love that they've been so secretive It'd be suspiciously Quadrant Six. The waiter, brackets Yoda, hang for a minute. Exactly.

I love that they've been so secretive about the Ninja Turtles movie. Like, in case any of the dialogue of the Ninja Turtles movie gets out and people know what sort of pizza they're ordering. No, because a year ago, the original script got out and people, the internet, went, this is the worst film that's ever going to be made.

So they shut it down for a year to rewrite. I'm sure they didn't. I'm sure they just changed the name on the front. Changed the font. Yeah, exactly right. worst film that's ever going to be made. So they shut it down for a year to rewrite. I'm sure they didn't. I'm sure they just changed the name on the front. Changed the font. Yeah, exactly right. Ah, here's our goddamn Times New Roman. They won't see us coming. But that's what they were worried about.

Yeah, right. See, we don't really have that in this country where there's secret scripts going around except for Chris Lilley shows. Yeah. A friend of mine who's a redhead got called to an audition for a show and was told, we can't tell you what the show is. Chris Lilley. It must be Chris Lilley. So he gets handed this dialogue and he gets the script

and he's got really nothing to say in the scene. The whole scene is him just being insulted with blood nut and ranga. But they send in like a young girl production assistant to play the other role so he said he was sitting there and everywhere where they had the name of the person who was insulting him it was crossed out wow just had joshua joshua so he said they said basically my audition was sitting there for 10 minutes while a young girl yelled all of the same insults at me that I heard for ten years in school. And then I was told you can go.

Thank you very much. And he didn't get the part. Is Chris going to treat Jemay like Dame Edna? Like is he going to be doing Jemay? Like is she going to be at university and Yeah. And then be a housewife? Oh, yeah. Like, he can ride this forever. And I saw a photo of him, because it comes out next week.

So, I saw a photo of Chris as Jermaine today. And I think he shaves his legs. Right. Like, really smoothly for the part. Yeah. And they're quite nice. He looks quite, the leg, he's got quite nice legs. But when you see him now with those high school girls,

like, it's almost creepy. It's on the borderline. It's a border. Disturbing. But I like it. I like it. The longer he keeps that character in school, I think the funnier it gets.

No, I hope he's 50 and she's doing year 12. I find that really weird because I saw publicity shots and I remember looking at it and looking at this fully grown man in a dress with schoolgirls and going I think he's starting to push it now.

Yeah. I don't think he can get away with that. Why is it different now? Like three years ago I was like that's cool.

Now it's like I don't know about this guy. I think that fully grown man is now getting a little bit old for that little school uniform. Yeah.

But anyway. Good luck to him. On that, this is the thing I was thinking about speaking of action movies. This is the thing I was thinking about, speaking of action movies, this is the thing I was thinking about the other day

because Con Air was on TV. It's the new Devil Wears Prada, I think. Is it the new Uncle Buck? Yeah, yeah. And I love that movie

and just watching it because I hadn't seen it for many years and watching it with a bit of a different eye, I love that, you know, the character in there,

I think his name's like Raymond Martinez, he's the guy that gets on midway through the cross-dressing guy. Yep. Which I love because that film is so, like, it ticks every box of, like, a 13-year-old what a 13-year-old wants in a film. Yeah. Except for a PG

sex scene. And to me, sneaking in the cross-dresser just feels like this just desperate attempt to get just some... How can we get at least a little bit of sex in this film? The best line in that is when... It's not Chappelle, is it? Who's playing?

It's Chappelle. It's Chappelle, yeah. Remember, Chappelle's getting on the plane and he's the guy that's got to have the... That has the key, the fashioned keys in his mouth to unlock the locks. So he has to get it past the guard. And when he goes up to the plane and they're inspecting him and they go to inspect his mouth and the guard pulls away and says, what's the matter with you?

It smells like someone's shit in your mouth. To which Chappelle replies, he told me he loved me. I love the credits of the film where it's done like an old British sitcom with you have been watching and you see

all the lovable serial killers all turning to camera and doing a big smile it's John Malkovich yeah it's John Malkovich

no no it's Steve Buscemi when he's at the clothesline picking out his address like Mrs. Brown's boys like a Farrelly Brothers movie yeah do they give it a bit of James Bond where it gets right to the end when he's at the clothesline picking out his address. Like Mrs. Brown's boys.

Like a Farrelly Brothers movie, yeah. Do they give it a bit of James Bond, where it gets right to the end and they say, what's his name? Cyrus the Virus will be returning in. You only stab twice. I like that they do that, because I saw Gravity the other day.

I don't know if you guys have seen it. But that film does a thing that is very much in vogue at the moment where, in fact, I think the title of the film coming up at the very end. Yeah. Which comes up a second time. Because it comes up at the start as well, doesn't it? But it does come up at the start. And then at the very end it goes Gravity.

And then we see all the actors. Directed by blah, blah, blah. And then it goes Gravity again. We haven't maybe noticed the name of the film. But I love it and I love it when it's done in that way as if it's meant to be a twist that the title is at the end. Do you know what I mean? There'll be some kind of profound line at the end of the movie

and then the title comes up and there's a big music sting as the title comes up as if you're meant to go, oh, because we didn't see the title yet. It was called Gravity. Oh, they we didn't see the title yet. It was all gravity. Oh, they held it out for the whole two hours. I thought it was because, spoiler alert, if you haven't seen it, don't listen to this very next bit. But the very last bit of...

Have you not seen it? No. Oh, should I say this? It doesn't matter. It's not high on... I have seen it. Oh, okay, right, right. It is in the cone of silence.

All right, it is in the cone of silence. Right. So the very last bit, just before it says gravity, is the bit where Sandra Bullock's lying on the beach and touching the sand, and then goes, gravity, and it's like, oh, that's the first bit of gravity we've seen for the movie, so you need to subtitle that bit? My favourite bit...

We're done, Ed. We're done. Spoilers over. Okay, good. My favourite bit of the... The custard pie fight. No, no. This one really, my favourite thing in that movie is at the start, there's that screen of text for like a minute with all the facts about space,

just giving you a bit of backstory about space, just to bring you up to speed for any newies out there. You're going, how dumb. The final line is, living in space is impossible. Okay. They actually say that. Who is this person that's just maybe you could just pop out? Who is this person

that's just transported in that needs to be given the whole specifics about space? For all those people that have never been out at night. Hey, you know, there's a music venue

up the road as I was walking past to come here. It used to be where the nightclub, not billboards, you know, it's a popcorn... Not the metro. Metro. Oh, metro, not billboards, it's popcorn.

Not the Metro. Metro. Oh, Metro, yeah. Yeah, the Metro. So they've got bands playing acts, right? And as I was walking past, they were flashing up on a little screen the different acts that were coming up. So it's like Earth, Wind & Fire, November 14th and 15th.

Oh, that sounds good. And yeah, well, I'll get you a ticket. And then it had, remember the Boy Band 5? Yep. There was a boy band Five. Numeral Five, I-V-E. And they have changed their name to Boy Band Five. Boy Band Five.

Well, it came up and it said Five, but in the photograph there's only four of them now. Oh, no. And you notice Earth, Wind and Fire, no wind. No wind. It looks just Earth and Fire. Yeah. How sad is that?

What a terrible reminder. That would be gravity style if Earth, Wind and Fire started their gigs by coming out and giving you a few facts about the Earth, a few facts about wind and a few facts about fire. At the end of the show, wind. There you go. I love that. Remember when Ben Folds came on your radio show?

Because the Ben Folds Five was three guys, wasn't it? I think our first question was to ask him whether the other two guys are now touring as the Ben Foltz Four. And I literally saw him get up to leave. Yeah, yeah. No, no, no, no. We'll play the new one. We have other jokes.

We'll play the new album. We promise. Yeah, that's when... What did I say to the guy from Arrested Development? Oh, yeah, we got to go when we used to be affiliated with a radio station before we got banned from the premises of going in there. We went and did the red carpet for Horrible Bosses. And so we got to talk to Jason Bateman and Charlie Day and Jason Sudeikis.

And my first question to Jason Bateman on the red carpet was, there's been a lot of talk about the sequel coming up, you know, about, sorry, not the sequel, about the, you know, Movie. Yeah, the movie, you know,

when's it coming out? Teen Wolf 3. And he just went, oh, right, that's, I get that. And they just walked, just walked away. Hated it. Hated it so much.

Well, I have been, like, vodka salesman Dan Aykroyd keeps getting asked about Ghostbusters 3. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he just says, yeah, there's a script we're really happy with. No, there's nothing. Yeah. There's no script that no one's happy with there was the video game yeah the xbox video game where they all did that must be a bad script for bill murray keeps saying no to this script but he said yes to the video game how's the video game got a better

script exactly ghostbusters 3 well now they're advertising actors in video games did you see there's a new uh action video game like a last of Us kind of thing and they're advertising Ellen Page and like William Hurt or something in a video game and I'm thinking what it is Tony

is remember when animation films didn't have name actors in them so Little Mermaid no one Aladdin Robin Williams

Lion King they were like this works and so then remember they drew Scar to look like Jeremy Irons. And there'd be videos

of the animators watching Danny DeVito do his voice and getting mannerisms from him. And then after that, it was just a gravy train of famous people.

Which is really weird because when you get famous voices in movies, I find just half the movie you're just straining. They're going, oh, that's someone, isn't it?

They just sound like a normal dude, yeah. There's so many voices. Like, what is, like a Zac Efron? I don't know what just sound like a normal dude there's so many voices like what is Zac Efron I don't know what that sounds like but he gets a lot of money you know I do know that

trained voice actors like your Billy West and those guys they hate it there's like a big kind of and they do remember they were calling it

improvisation so they would get so what they do is they get Billy West and all the trained voice actors in at the script stage and they go you know guys we're doing Horton Hears a Who.

And we're thinking about you guys for the leads. Let's just kick it around. And the voice actors are like, all right, here we go. And so they'll do five pages of script. It's like five different characters and add jokes. And then they'll give the job to Zac Efron. They'll go see the movie and hear their joke coming out of his mouth. Yeah, there would have never been a Mel Blanc 50 years ago

it would have been Selena Gomez doing Bugs Bunny she would have done a great job did I read that Al Pacino was meant to be in Despicable Me I think that was the one and he was already on the poster and then they were recording it and he stormed out, quit the movie

really? that's right at what point did Al Pacino go, I've sunk beyond the level of Jack and Jill? I thought you were going to storm in. I was trying to fuck Adam Sandler in a dress.

He should have more been in Horton He's a Hoo-Ha. Wow. This is the last episode ever of The Little Dumb Dumb Club. Before I nick myself. Yep. It's Rad Dad here, and I'm here to say I'm just riding around in the Rad Dad way.

Gotta like a kid, a cat and a dog. Now, see me be right in your catalog. Yeah. Word to your mother Cause I'm Rad Dad He's the raddest dad in town Rad Dad Happy 8th birthday Jenny! Thanks Rad Dad

I'm so excited, you've been telling me for months That you have an extra special present planned And finally it's my birthday So where where's my present, Rad Dad? Well, Jenny, I believe your present may be coming to say hello to you right now. Who is it, Rad Dad? Oh, only the star of one of your favourite TV shows and movies. Miley Cyrus? No.

Ben 10? Even better. Well, let's just open the door and find out. It's Cowabunga Dudes. Where's the pepperoni pizza? Who the fuck is this? It's Donatello, dude. The coolest of the Ninja Turtles. Yeah, bro.

Have a totally radical birthday, Jenny. This is seriously my present. Oh, you don't like it? Oh. Well, luckily, I've got a backup present for you. Oh, thank goodness, Rad Dad, because that was kind of an inappropriate present that I didn't really... And here he is coming along right now. All right, Rad Dad.

Is she the one you want me to strip in front of? Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm eight years old. Who is this old man, and can he stop taking his pants off? What? But no-one's ever been disappointed with my Yorkshire pudding. Get the hell out of my house, you weirdo. Go, go! with my Yorkshire pudding. Get the hell out of my house, you weirdo. Go, go.

Jenny, I tried my best to give you the best present I could think of and I failed. I guess the only thing I can do right now is say... Have a totally tubular day, Jenny. Oh, and you can fuck off too. Oh, didn't I? Rad Dad is filming in front of a live studio audience. Hey, I have an update from last week. I was telling you to bring Tony in at Up to Speed.

Last week I was talking about my housemate had gone in for a job driving around the act of Vincent Castle while he's in town. Whoa, where is Vincent Castle, Monica? Vincent Castle of what fame? Of the Ocean's movies. Black Swan. Married to somebody? Monica was married.

Malucci. Oh, is he married to Monica Malucci? No, separated. Just recently separated. Is it a G-star model? Yep. So he got the job update. So now we can begin the regular segment on the little dum-dum club of Castle Watch.

I can report that yesterday my housemate had to drive Vincent Castle to get his working with children check. Because they're filming this film in Mount Eliza, which is substituting for somewhere in Europe. Hang on, is this the one with Christina Ricci? Which one is this? I don't know. Is Christina Ricci filming a movie here? Or she already has.

Maybe it's already sort of half coming out. What movie is this? Vincent Cassel just hanging around? I can't remember the name of this. I'm calling you out of gold too. Yes, it's already sort of half coming out. What movie is this? Vincent Cassel just hanging around. I can't remember the name of it. Kooling at a Gold 2. Yes, it's about time. See ya. But yeah, I am fascinated with trying to get,

I want the cast to come round to our house. Yeah. That's what I really want. Well, it's pretty easy for your mate just not to do his job very well. Here we are. I think you'll find this is the casino. I believe today he had to go and he had to go and have a meet and greet lunch

with all the mothers of the little kids that are in the film but I do like that I like that Manalizer is substituting for like Paris or something

Paris that's funny that's one of those ones where you paint a cow brown because they look like horses on camera and

Folly Bergier is being staged at the 21st Century. Driving around the famous people. You're flashing back to the Thunders? Yeah, the famous, yes. Oh, yes, that's what it reminded me. So they used to run these competitions

when I was driving the Black Thunders where you could have a band come to your house and play. And Thirsty Merc was really big at the time. And the deal was you could get Thirsty Merc to come and play at your house. But it was my job... Led by the great Ray Thistle Thwaite. Ray Thistle Thwaite. Just any opportunity to say that.

Good job. Best mustache in rock and roll. What was second prize? Two concerts by Thirsty Merc? Yes. Live performance by Tommy Aids. So my job was to be a roadie for them for the day. So they're like, I showed up and we had to go

and it was pretty far out this house. And Thirsty Merc were not happy. They'd signed this deal. Obviously it was like, we will play your new single this many times if you go and do this gig. We get out to the gig and I had been speaking to the people whose house it was saying Thirsty Merc coming.

They're like, oh, mate, I'll tell you what, you better bring some roadblocks because it is going to be fucking chockers, mate. We're fucking told everyone, mate, Thirsty Merc, mate, this is going to be the best day of their life. And I was like, I'm thinking, oh, these poor people like Thirsty Merc are going to actually do half an hour and then just leave. They're not going to want to hang or whatever. So we get to the house.

I'm like, I think this is it. We go around the back, and there is two people there. Oh. Right? Two people. I remember of them in Thirsty Merc. Yeah, yeah. Thirsty Merc are in the car.

How did they both get around the roadblocks? I knew somebody. And we set up, and I had to bring a barbecue as well for the thousands of people. I had like 500 sausages. And I was like, do I put two on? Back to Vlados. Or do I put... Do I... There's a dog.

I thought maybe the dog would like a few sausages. Another bloke shows up, so there's three. And you know what? Thirsty Maker were actually very good about it. They set up, they played their set, and then packed up and left. But I had to report back to the radio station. But I couldn't say, guys, this sucks. I had to talk it up.

And so I was trying to get the three people to sound like they were a massive crowd oh no so I said okay guys listen when I go on the radio here and say look

Thirsty Milk's here it's going off we've had to close the streets I need you guys to go crazy right and they're like alright yeah fucking yeah

and so I go on and they're just silent just silent right and I'm going and they're going right I'm going

and they're going like oh I'm going and they're going like this oh guys I've had to I've had to go into the bathroom here and I'll tell you

what put it down the soundproof bathroom run the taps exactly stop turning over cars

crazy mower the cops are here oh my god and I get I finish it and I go what are you doing and they go

we're ready I go that was it then they go, what are yous doing? And they go, we're ready. I go, that was it then. They go, oh fuck, we didn't know. What are we doing?

You should have gotten Michael Pope to come in and do some warm up. Yeah, we'd have got the crowd going. It's like a night on the project when you know

there hasn't been a massive crowd in there and you can just hear the warm up guy next to the crowd mic going, yeah! And I've had nights

like that doing live television. I've had nights like that doing live television. I've had nights where the warm-up guy is killing himself with laughter and he just looks crazy because no one else is laughing. I remember one week on TV, Burp, we had John Deeks did warm-up, did the audience warm-up. He's seen it all. But it was ridiculous. He started with a bit of banter.

He goes, oh, you know, what are you doing? The girl goes, oh, I go to uni. And he goes, oh, where do you go to uni? And she goes, La Trobe. And then he goes, how do you find it out there? Because my daughter went there and then just got into this 10-minute private, quiet discussion while we were there going. Benefits of La Trobe.

We've got this show that we're about to do that we can't have people to be revved up for. Now we need to sort this out. What happens on the open day? I worked at Channel 7 in the 80s when they did a show called Press Your Luck with Ian Turles. Great show, yes. And like seven people.

No whammies, yeah? Whammies, yeah. No whammies. Seven people would show up to be in the audience and Deeks would have to warm those seven people up. And then at some point in the game show Deeks would have to warm those seven people up and then at some point in the game show they would have to stop the show, turn the cameras off and move the seven people

to different chairs so that they could take a shot from this angle, look like there were people sitting over there Different hats, alright everyone? Hats, wigs funny noses There would always be a thin corridor of people behind Ian Turby Just loving it. Watching Ian Turby then off to see Thirsty Merc later in the day.

Can I pitch? Tony, you know I love game shows, right? Sure. Can I pitch a genuinely serious game show idea I've got? Please. Format. Yeah. In life, I really genuinely want to get a game show.

A lot of the fat cats at nine do listen in, so sure. Well, good. All right, Ginge, if you're listening, hold on to your checkbook because here comes gold, right? So, in all seriousness. Yeah. Right? The name, hang on, I thought of a really good name,

but I'll come back to that because I've forgotten it, right? The Ginge is switched off. No, no, shut up, shut up. It's called Drop the Ball, right? That's like a, people know what that means. It's a phrase. It's a table of no balls. Exactly.

But it starts, the show starts with the host standing up in like a little balcony with the two team captains that have already been picked right and as the audience comes in and sits down the they don't know this the audience doesn't know this they're just sort of coming in and sitting down the team captains are going one by one and they're picking people to be on their team that they think are going to be good at answering questions so the host is going oh there's going to be some sport questions so then you go i'll have a guy he looks sporty oh there's going to be good at answering questions. So the host is going, oh, there's going to be some sport questions. So then you go, oh, I'll have a guy, he looks sporty. Oh, there's going to be fashion.

Oh, she looks like she knows fashion stuff. So now you've got two teams. Now, you guys hate it already, but it's good. No, I'm into it. So now you've got two teams picked at random by the thing. And you quickly go to your, let's say I've got a team, and I'll quickly go, let's say Tone's on my team. I'll go, what are you good at?

What are you smart about? What are you good at answering? Laser discs. Fuck! Oh, God. We're fucked. say tones on my team we'll go what are you good at what are you smart about what are you good at answering laser discs fuck oh god we're fucked we give up right

we're losing ginge alright I'll ask you Kyle you're on my team what are you smart what are you good at what do I know what are you good at answering about

the films of Dan Aykroyd let's say soccer okay good young man your name's Tommy. Tommy, what have you got in answering? Cartoons. Stuff about cartoons.

Fuck. Fuck. What? All right, good, fine. So then, now the next, the first round is... I'm tipping this as your first test audience.

No, no, no. I've done this a thousand times. There's a lot of swearing in this game show so far as well. Do you know what time slot you picked for this? This killed at seven, mate.

Trust me. And then you've got two people up against each other. You pick people as you go and they go up there and it's one-on-one answering questions and people are getting knocked out as you go. Cut a long story short, you get to the end and you've got a team left of the people who've done well, done the best. And then you've got those giant, you know giant games where you drop a ball at the top and they sort of bounce through little things

and they drop into a value at the bottom. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what they're called? How else best can I describe them? Yeah, I don't know. It's like a little ball puzzle. You sort of maneuver the ball to that, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You've got your team there and they've got one final round and you're answering questions. And as you go, that ball game is being modified. So little things are getting taken out of it or little obstructions are being placed in. And then at the end, you drop a big ball and it bounces down and whatever money they win at the bottom, they win and they all get

to keep. I like it. You realise no one here can, we can't green light this, no one here works at a network or anything. No, I know that. But you know people are ten. Can you tell Charlie Pickering about it? What about fucking Samson?

Is Todd Samson in there? He's got his brain redesigned. Can he help? I'm catching up with Reg Grundy straight after the show. Great. If I remember, I'll bring it up. You know how Todd Samson's getting his brain redesigned? Yes.

What episode does he become less of a wanker? How long have you been sitting on that one? I just thought of it this morning. Did you come back from LA just to do that one? No, it's just, I just can't. LA, where right now someone is building a huge drop the balls. Of course they have. I love The Price is Right.

The Price is Right is such a good show. Yeah. And I love The Price is Right. The Price is Right is such a good show. Yeah. And I love, I'm determined. One day, I'll keep working on it. A game show time, it would just be... Well, Burt Reynolds thought of win, lose or draw one night. He was at his house and someone mentioned how much money the creator of New Price is Right had got. And Burt goes, what's that game we play around here?

And he just went and pitched it and made millions of dollars. Really? I've never heard of win, lose, or draw. It ran for three years in the 80s, but apparently, you know, I had to stave him off having to do cannonball runs. Surely draw shouldn't be an option in a game show, though. When you get to the end and there's no resolution. No, you're all guys. See you next week. Take it up with Bert and Dom Delgado.

So, Tommy, what was the idea that was stolen from Hugh Jackman? Hugh Jackman came up with, yeah, Hugh Jackman genuinely came up with a really big television format and got it stolen from him. This is very talking out of school. But, yeah, I heard from someone who worked with Hugh Jackman that he pitched a show to a television network and sent it in, sent it in an envelope, and then about three months later saw it on TV. That's right.

And called them up and said, I sent you that. And they went, well, good luck proving that. And this is before Hugh Jackman was famous. Okay, right, right, right. Because now the cause would come out. I love if that had happened in the last year. No big Hollywood star. We don't want you in our TV show.

He came out with Slideshow and they went, bullshit. Bullshit. But it was a huge show that I think might still be on. We shouldn't say which, but it was a proper format. Oh, that's awesome. I love it. I reckon keep a photocopy if you're posting it in. Oh, yeah.

That's the old thing. With a date on it. That's the old thing. I can't remember where I read this, but any time you're pitching something, you mail a copy to yourself. And you don't open it because then it's date stamped from the post office.

You just file that away and then... That's good. Well, when I was over there... So, Ash, I was over there with that. You know, how do we... For those who don't know what Ash Williams is... That's a hard... I've often been stumped in trying to describe Ash Williams to someone.

So, imagine Kramer. He's a good... Oh, good. Kramer, but looks like Thor. Yeah. And... Panel to show on Nova. That kind of genre.

Yeah. He attempted to win Cleo Bachelor of the Year wearing gold hot pants and was stunned that he didn't win I've got it it's Kramer

meets Warwick Capper yeah that's pretty good can I quickly give you a bit of Warwick Capper yeah please do we love the guy

he was on going back to this week live he was on the Tom Gleeson segment, I Hate You, Change My Mind. Oh, yeah. Which I thought was hard.

I quite like Tom's choices, but why would you hate Warwick Capper? Yeah, I think that was a bit of a who's around during AFL Grand Prix. Robert Mugabe fell out at the last minute. Yeah, surprisingly, a lot of people don't want to go on a segment called I Hate You, Change My Mind, but he'll go on anything.

Yeah, of course. He was on it, and I watched the, Change My Mind, but he'll go on anything. Yeah, of course. He was on it and I watched the unedited bit and, of course, because of you guys. That's where the joy is. Yeah, and after listening to him on your show and get this for so long, I wanted the original footage. And so they cut so many great bits out of it where he was just, he just prepared answers to questions that had never been asked.

Of course. Of course. It was like, oh, Warwick Capper, the Gold Coast is known as a bit of a shithole. What was it known for before you moved there? A question like that. And he'd go, yippity-yippa, Capper's done it again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like, that wasn't anything to do with the first minute.

The blonde-haired, blue-eyed monster. Yeah, yeah. The blonde-haired, blue-eyed, six foot four and ready to take off. I wonder what coffee you wanted, mate. One of the questions was something like that and then he said,

he said, mate, the Wiz, Kappa, I was the Bon Jovi of the 80s. And I went, wasn't Bon Jovi the Bon Jovi of the 80s? You're right. Well, he has this,

yeah, he'll, so anytime you ask Warwick, Tony and I genuinely love the guy because he does not have... In a world where, like, people who work on radio are going into the Big Brother house to come out to get a better radio job.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where things have gone topsy-turvy and apparently you can just put... You know, you can be on YouTube kicking a cat and you're a genius, right? Yeah, yeah. Warwick has no... He has a big ego but there's nothing –

he absolutely knows why he's funny. He knows what's funny about him and he knows how ridiculous he is. And he will do anything without asking what it's going to be used for. Which is what we like. And he'll sign a lot of things. But every time you ask him – Tony, do you remember his answer every time you ask him, so Tony, do you remember his answer every time you ask him how something went?

What did he say? So I'll say, hey Woz, how did the porno go? Fantastic, sold 100,000 units. How did your book go? Wonderful, sold 100,000 units. Everything he did was in amounts of 100,000. He was trying to convince someone on the show that he has been responsible

for $1 billion worth of merch and sponsorship throughout his career. Wow, that's interesting. Everyone knows that sketch that Richard Marsden did where he used tapes of Warwick Capra and called people up. We were working with Warwick Capra and someone mentioned that

and he started telling them that he had actually done that. He'd come up with it. I called up Don Lane and he started telling them that he had actually done that I caught up Don Lane and he said this and I think in his mind he thought he had called all those people and said those odd phrases purpose

was there ever an end because remember before the grand final he advertised that you could buy a weekend away at his house you could go stay at his house I wonder if anyone did it if there there was any follow-up on that. Someone must have done it, surely. I met him years ago when I worked at the AFL, and I used to work with this guy who ghost-wrote his autobiography.

And I sort of got obsessed, and I would ask him all the time about Kappa. And so the ghost-writer was a bit of a weird guy, and he liked the attention. So he would come up. One day he just came up and went, you like the whiz, don't you? Yeah. He's coming to see me tonight. You want me to bring him in here?

And I went, yeah. And he goes, all right then. And then he did it, and we all got really scared because we were like, that's a funny idea on paper. But then he's bringing Warwick Capper in to like three guys that worked in the graphic design department of the AFL to do what? Like he just came in and we got really scared. It's a personal appearance.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. How much did you pay him? Yeah, nothing. But he came in and we just go, oh. And then he walked in and the first thing he said was, all right, where's the girls, guys? Because I've been on the plane for an hour, which means my knob hasn't been polished in 60 minutes. So what's next? And we all just went, yes!

See, you don't have to worry. WarioCabri is self-sourcing. You don't have to do anything. He's ready. And then I got him to sign all these photos of him that we'd printed off of the internet. And he signed like heaps of them. And one of them, my friend Robbie, I got him to sign one for him. And so he's signing it.

And I said, that one's to Robbie, so if you just put to Robbie. And he goes, yeah, okay. And he goes, T-O, and then he goes, R-O-B. And then he looked in the air and went, E. To Robe. Robbie. Robe. To Robe.

The entire seaside community of Robe. To Robe. To the entire seaside community of Robe. Well, that's a funny thing you bring up about his autobiography. Full forward. Yeah, but if there was ever someone who... Audiobooks, right? I've just listened to the Alan Partridge audiobook a couple of times. Holy moly. What a...

You know, the best. So I've become obsessed with people who read their own audiobook and people who don't. Because I went straight away, Tone, to Rex Hunt's audio book. And I thought, you bitcher. Here we go. Who could possibly? The fat kid from Audio.

Like, they stood up to the thugs in the scallop industry. And six hours of that. Here we go. And it's not him reading it. It's a journalist. James Earl Jones? So I clicked on the preview, Carl, and it goes, the fat kid from Mordialli who stood up to those thugs in the skylark industry.

What the fuck is this? The culturevastic. Exactly. So the whiz. Just quickly, can I interject? Because I'm not a big sports head. Is the whiz, as a nickname, where does that come from? Self-proclaimed.

Is it self-prescribed? That's what we're getting at. Yeah, I love it. The Wizard of something. I'm not sure what it is. I love a self-prescribed nickname. Yeah, no, The Wiz. Sorry to cut you off.

No, that's fair enough. And so then Warwick, to me, is a perfect candidate for reading his own audiobook. That would just take on a whole new life. Uncut. Uncut. Not fixed up later in post. Yeah, 12 would just take on a whole new life. Uncut. Uncut. Not fixed up later in post. Yeah, 12 hours.

Leave the gaps in. Leave them. No, no, no. Let me take a fucking break. No 12 hours. The speed he talks, it'd be like half an hour. Yeah, exactly. Speed read. Yeah, War and Peace in 20.

We were going pretty hard on our campaign to get him on the show for a little while. We need to reignite that. Yeah, I'm a bit scared. No, no, no. It's well, because with Warwick, you only have to throw a key word and he's away. He's like an improviser.

He is. He's amazing. So when we were hanging out with him, Tony, you know, we'd just be standing around and you don't waste that time. You keep talking to Woz and you go, girlfriend? And he'd go, nah. Yeah, yeah, nah, look at this.

And he'd get out his phone. You've just met the guy. She's a bit all right, isn't she? She's all right. Like disgusting photos of someone.. Yeah, yeah, nah, look at this. And he'd get out his phone. You've just met the guy. She's a bit all right, isn't she? She's all right. Like disgusting photos of someone. You go, yeah, she's lovely. And then you'll get to one, it'll be him nude, right? And he doesn't put, you know, you got to one with him like just nude-ish.

And I went, oh. And he goes, and I thought he'd go, oh, sorry about that. And he goes, hmm, not bad for 47. But apparently he goes to footy clubs and he plays his porno on a big screen And then gives the director's commentary of it It's not with 100,000 units I'm so into it But he's got it where

Apparently he's in the act on the video And he's like blocking the female Of course he is Over the top of her So you can't actually see her I wish people could see you acting this out. It's lovely. Amazing.

Beautiful moment. You were talking about Ash Williams was how we got into Warwick. Oh, yeah. Why was I talking about Ash? So, yeah, he's half Kramer, half Warwick. Why was I talking about Ash? Do you remember? Yeah, there was something.

Something that happened in LA? Yeah, there's so much. The trouble is that's such a big category. I know. Every day is another. Well, my favorite thing he's done recently, right? So he's done a guest role on a Martin Sheen show.

Charlie Sheen. Charlie Sheen. Oh, Martin Sheen was in his episode as well, yes. His scenes were with Martin Sheen, right? And it's amazing. President Bartlett

and Nash Williams together. And then he did another one with Wayne Knight from New Men from Seinfeld. Where he was a Frenchman? He was a French guy, playing a French guy. We did three weeks of him talking in a fucking French accent, right? And he didn't improve at all, but he got the gig and he did a great job.

And he's had a couple of other gigs which have been, you know, like they got him and then they had some weird visa stuff. So he's doing all right. He's doing stand-up over there. Yeah. And I said to him the other day, I said, oh, how are you? I go, how are you going, buddy? We're on Skype. And he goes, mate, the race for I said, oh, how are you? I go, how are you going, buddy? We're on Skype.

And he goes, mate, the race for rent has never been more exciting. Right? I said, where are we at? He goes, I need $900 in six days. And I said, how much have you got? He goes, well, I had $300. I said, well, hang on. What do you mean you had $300?

Well, I had $300. Well, how much have you got now? Nothing. I go, why? He goes, my car got towed today. So that was $300. Tell you what, we didn't need that. But then my favorite one is we're in the gym, right?

And we're in this gym where there's a lot of famous people. Jodie Foster's over on the cross trainer. Jack Black's in the corner. Dude's from Entourage. Actual Fabio is there. And talking to Ash, right, about the industry. I'm stealing his look. Talking to mini me. Exactly. It's amazing stealing his look. Talking to mini-me.

Exactly. It's amazing. And I kept trying to get a photograph. But the thing about Fabio is he can sense a camera from 400 yards away. So I put the camera up and he'd look across and I'd have to put it back down. Anyway, we're in there one day and we'd see Paulie Shaw there. Wow. Paulie Shaw wearing a T-shirt with his own face on it.

He bought too much merch back in the 90s time. Son-in-law t-shirts didn't take off. It was probably a Christmas present from Mitzi. Wow, that's a good one. And so then he's, I see Paulie Shaw on a cross trainer, and I'm like, oh, that's kind of weird. Now I look around, now she's talking. He's always just talking to someone.

He was over talking to Dave Navarro, right? Yeah. And he came over. This is the... It's incredible. And I go, mate, what happened there? He goes, oh, I think Dave Navarro thinks yeah and he came over this is it's incredible and I go mate what happened there he goes

oh I think Dave Navarro thinks I'm a bit weird I said why is that he goes oh I just walked over to him I've never met him before just walked over to him and said

mate you have fantastic hair he walked off yeah fair enough anyway go back to what I'm doing I turn around Ash is gone I go where's he fucking gone

right I call him not answering we've lost him he could be gone for weeks right and I turn around I'm like

I look out the window and there's Ash walking along the street just in his running shorts no shirt with Paulie Shaw standing beside him and a guy

with a camera and a guy with a boom walking down the street two minutes ago Carl he was on an exercise bike next to me right he's gotten a series up right that's right he's pitched it yeah Two minutes ago, Carl, he was on an exercise bike next to me.

He's gotten a series up. That's right. He's pitched it. You need to get him on board of Drop the Ball. He'll get it made in weeks. It's true. And so I thought, this is, all right. First question, how'd you get that?

Exactly. This is too much. So he comes back up, and then he's playing coy. And I go, mate, what was that? Not much, not much. I'm like, no, fuck you. what happened why are you and paul shaw walking down the street he goes mate i was just there uh a second out of paul i know him from the comedy store yeah i do a bit of spots up there i said yeah and he goes yeah anyway uh he was looking for someone to play his best friend in a documentary about his life and um but i uh his best friend in a documentary about his life. Mate, I got the gig.

Right? I go, so now you're Paulie Shaw's best friend? He goes, yeah. I've got his number. I said, well, what are you and Paulie doing next? He goes, oh, I think I'm going to go around the comedy store tonight. We're just going to have a chat about comedy and that kind of thing. I said, well, that sounds like fun.

So he does that the next night. And Ash, on weekends, used to sell vodka shots in a gay bar. He would have no top and a bow tie and he would sell vodka shots at a gay bar

and for an extra 10 bucks, he would put whipped cream on his nipple and guys could lick it off. Right? So like a sexy Dan Aykroyd. Yeah, exactly. And you've got to make that ring.

Such a humiliating amount. 10 dollars. Well, it sort of is and it isn't because he would make a lot of money. I guess it's cheap enough that everyone would go,

why not? And it was so, he doesn't give a fuck. That's what's so great about him. He doesn't give a fuck. He'd be so rich the next day. He's like, mate, smoothies are on me.

Right? And anyway, so I go, I see him a couple of days later and I go how was gay bar and he goes mate

bloody cleaned up mate record numbers I said a record in there and I said that's great he goes mate Paulie came down I said what are you

like fucking what is this for the yeah for the doco this was like the end of my storyline and Paulie Shaw comes in and like he sees me at the gay bar

and yeah then we have a chat we're just you know we're yeah, then we have a chat. We're just, you know, we're mates. And then he buys a couple of shots for a couple of dudes. They lick my nipple and yeah, they leave. And I said, that sounds good. He goes, but it sounds good. But Paulie kept picking the grossest blokes, right?

So these disgusting blokes would come over and I'd go, Paulie, mate, can you at least get a hot guy? See, to me, that story reflects worse on Paulie Shaw.

It does. Absolutely it does. Taking the rent. Exactly. What is Paulie Shaw doing? What is Paulie Shaw doing? He was a, Tony,

he was a huge movie star. In the army, now, I own it. They were funny. He was the biggest thing in the 80s. I can't. Ash Williams is soon to be seen in your film, Border Protection Squad. Playing the boyfriend of one T. Dassolo.

That's right. You play his girlfriend. Right. Because it's not the way. And I feel like we should bring this up every episode. Tommy, when you've been hearing Tommy so far, he is a man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It doesn't sound like you're on there.

No, he's a dude. Because this goes back about two years ago, you now being on the show, because what happened was I called you up and I said, hey, would you like to come and do our podcast? And you said, I'm a bit busy now, I can't. But hey, I'm filming this movie. Would you like to be in it? Yeah.

So my audition was... Yeah, you never ring me. You never call me around December. You don't do that. So my audition was basically me asking you to do something for me and then I ended up getting a job in your thing. It was kind of a... It was maybe one of the best rejections of anything I've ever gotten because I ended

up getting money for it. It was a paid work. Yeah. But it was... We filmed a scene in Ash Williams' apartment building. Yes. And he had basically converted the hallway into this holding area for all the equipment and all the food was there.

And Ash's neighbours are coming home from doing the grocery shopping and just going, what is all this stuff? And there was this great moment where one of the neighbours comes up to Ash. No, the building manager. Oh, no, he was threatening to get the building manager. Oh, that's right. Yes, right, yes. The neighbour just comes up and goes and goes ash what are you doing here

he goes it's all right mate we're just filming a film we're just filming a film i can't talk now i'm about to do a scene and he goes mate if the building manager comes in you are going to get evicted he's like no no no i'll be fine and meanwhile the door to ash's um apartment opens and smoke just comes out of it and then we set off the fire alarm the fire alarm went off and this was a great moment where you had to go down and so the fire fire alarm the fire alarm went off and this was a great moment where you had to go down and so the fire so guys the fire alarm goes off right and like really goes off like it's like there's a voice saying evacuate evacuate and we had only done a little bit of filming and i was freaking out you know i was like oh no they're going to shut us down and so

and rachel who was our mate toneone, who produced the film with me, she was there and I look at her and she looks at me and I'm like, well, I guess I'll go and handle this. And she shook her head and I go, what's the matter? She goes, mate, a call out for the fire department is a lot of money. They charge a lot of money just to leave, to stop the table. Five grand or something. Yeah, to stop the table tennis and come out and deal with you.

And they do a great job, obviously. And so then I get downstairs and there's seven of them. And they got the big trucks and they got the full suits on. And I walk down and like the creepy producer I am, I open the list and I go, it's okay, we're making a film. And I think I'm toast. And the guy says, the sergeant sort of walks forward and goes, oh, right. I go, it's okay, we're making a film. And I think I'm toast. And the guy says, the sergeant sort of walks forward and goes, oh, right.

So you've, you know, the whole building, and now there's neighbours walking out going, do we have to evacuate? And I'm going, no, it's fine, go back inside, nothing to see. And they're sort of ushering people back in. And he goes, you know, you set off the fire alarm. I go, no, I know. And he sort of pauses and he goes, what are you doing, Ed? And I thought ooh

nothing and he goes ah you're making a film and I said yeah yeah and he goes mate I was a big get this fan

don't do it again pushes two buttons and they all just fucked off wow yeah and then you got to have the greatest moment

because we're all inside yeah and to be clear as well, this fire alarm went off in the middle of you filming a Ryan Shelton sex scene. Well, hang on. It was a Ryan Shelton... Morning after. Morning after.

It was romantic rather than sexy. Yeah. I remember this because I knew where you guys were filming at this place. So I showed up on that day, and a couple of crew members were down on the nature strip. And they've gone, oh, mate, you've chosen your time well. And I'm going, what do you mean? They're going, oh, mate, this chick's got her boobs out.

Fucking top cans, mate. You've got to have a look at this. And then I'm in a moral con because I'm going, now it looks, because this was an accident, but it looks like I've got word and just happened to go up. And that's what set off the boob alarm. The boob alarm. And then I've gone, I can't go up. And they go, mate, you've got to.

And I go, no, it's going to look like I've come just to see the boobs. I'm going to go. And then one of them guys, didn't stop Lockie Hume, mate. It should be pointed out, Lockie Hume, mate. It should be pointed out Lockie Hume, out of nowhere, he wasn't filming that day, had showed up and appointed himself head makeup artist for the day.

But then you've got this awesome moment because we're all sitting inside going, oh fuck, what's going to happen here? And then there's like five minutes where we're going to have to leave and then the elevator door opens and you stroll in. We're like, what's happening? Is it okay? And you go, it's all cool.

Fireman was a fan. It's great. The coolest moment of all time. Yeah, we got away with it and we got the shot. So to put it in context, so half of it sit on – so the film, Carl, I don't know how much you know about it, but it's about what would happen if the people who ran border security cared more about the ratings of their tv show than what actually got smuggled into the country which

all started when my friend who was a producer on border security the real show i saw her at an airport once and i said how's the show going and she was so upset so upset and i said oh um what was when we're doing joy setstone i saw actually no i saw her in the lobby of the of the studio and i said what's the matter and she goes oh, oh, you know, I'm doing border security. It's not going very well. I said, what do you mean? How can it not go very well? Are the elderly Asian tourists not bringing fish in?

What's the problem? And she said, no, no, no, no, no. The network's pressuring us. You know, it's not very exciting. I said, what do you mean it's not exciting? All you do is film bags. And she sort of stopped and she threw her little clipbook down and she goes,

there's just not enough people trying to smuggle drugs into the country. That's interesting. And so it's sort of about that. And the bits that we were doing in Ash's apartment were meant to be on the Gold Coast because Ryan Shelton's character goes rogue and it's all silly, blah, blah, blah. And Tommy plays Ash's... He thinks Tommy's a girl.

Right. But he's sort of accepted that... A stretch? Yeah, but he's accepted that Tommy's a boy. But as he says to Ryan Shelton, if you're going to live on the Gold Coast, you have to accept that 70% of the girls you're going to be with are going to be guys.

And away we go from there. I remember this. I think I talked about this when Pete Hellyer and Ryan Shelton were on the show just after we filmed. My first day, I was quite nervous and very excited to get to do this thing. On my first day, the first scene, the scene started with me walking in and saying something. So everything's set up.

I walk in and say the line, and then I've heard you from the back of the room go, Tommy, mate, typically you wait until the director says action before you just start doing it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You were very keen. I just went in. Just dove straight into it.

I started using this phrase just for my own amusement. Whenever Luke McGregor and Ash Williams were acting in a scene together, I'd go, you know, roll camera, rolling, roll sound, speed, and action fuckwits. So when can we expect? It should be said. It's come out real funny. Yeah, well, thanks. I've seen it, and it's full of funny people,

and people who, like, can you believe I'm saying this? Fitzy. Yeah. From Fitzy and Whipper. Yeah. Hilarious. I always knew. I'm not saying he's not hilarious, but in a movie? In an acting. Yeah. From Fitzy and Whipper. Yeah. Hilarious. I always knew. I always, I always.

I'm not saying he's not hilarious, but in a movie? In an acting. I always knew it because I once, I'd seen him do a radio ad where I was like, his timing is fantastic. And I knew he could do it. And he is great. He's great. As soon as I saw him kick six goals on debut for the Sydney Swans, I thought.

That man can act. Yeah. In a Cavalry production. So, well, the idea is that I want to do a couple of screenings where we get everyone together. Oh, that's great. And we do a bit of a chat and we all have some fun with that. Yeah, so it's finished now, but I've got to wait.

People are everywhere. Ash is away. Josh Lawson's in it too. He's away. But people are sort of coming back for the end of the year. So the idea is to get a good venue at the end of the year. Ah, awesome. Get some people who want to come along to have a look at it.

And then, because Scumbus, the first film we made, which was on Channel 10, that's now reverted back to me. So I own it again. So I want to then do a sort of double release of two of them together. Together or in sort of partnership with each other. On laser discs. On laser discs. Blade Runner style.

Blade Runner style in a huge box with a little replica matchbox car of one of the cars in the film. A single set. You know when the box sets have the single cell? Yeah, I do that. A single frame for the actual reel. What's the Silver Key Gallery? Get down there and do it.

Yes, exactly right. This is the actual nappy that Ash Williams wore. He's in a nappy for most of it. Package the DVD in a crystal skull and you'll be right to go. I'll be rich. No, but look, my advice to anyone, Tony, you've made films. You know how it works. My advice, now I get a lot of young people ringing me up,

emailing me saying, hey. Can I be a boy girl in your life? Yeah, exactly right. So, you know, how do I do it? And I just say, well, don't. Well, sort of. Like, just go and you've got a phone. Make something, like you can do it so cheaply and so simply that you don't like i i mine was skeleton as can be but it was still pretty

professional the level because of the way i wanted to have it outputted the output i wanted you can make things now like the castle is still, like, now, in your phone is better than any of the equipment that was used to make the castle. You know what I mean? It's just been said that the iPhone is more powerful than the computer that put a thing on the moon. Yeah, exactly. You will see, and I'm not joking, you will see

cat videos on YouTube that look like that film Shame. They do, they do. Pretty much the same the OP, the same lighting. Amazing. Yeah. Yeah.

So that's what, you know, so that's what I tell them. I go, guys, you can do this. Because one of the ways it takes is,

but then, it just takes time. Like, you've just got to put the time in and be prepared for it to take over, take over your life.

Producing a movie, Tony, as you know, is the worst thing in the world. You can get things, if things look terrible, as long as the sound

is good, that's a big thing. Yeah, sound is everything. You've got to have good sound. Well, guys, we have been a marathon bumper episode. Thank you so much for joining us. I feel like we haven't covered anything. Does anyone watch The Bachelor? That's the opening stanza done.

Let's get out of serious business. That's the opening stanza done. Let's get out of serious business. Did anyone watch the baseball this morning? And the pitcher for the Detroit Tigers is called Fister. What I love is Ash Williams has hijacked another podcast. And he wasn't even here. I know, I know, I know.

I hear that. Well, we'll have to come in again. I'm getting married. Yes. It's an old podcast. You're saying married. Yes. That's a whole podcast. You're saying this in relation to coming back on the podcast. No, because I'm auditioning for MC at the moment. I've got that many good candidates.

Oh, really? I have to book you in for an audition. It's an emotion capture suit. I just MC'd a wedding. Oh, did you? My very first. How'd you go? Not amazing.

Is this a good ratio? Maybe you might know better. I introduced five guests. I got three of them right. Is that good? That's over 50%. How wrong did you get the other two? I mispronounced the father of the bride. That's not good.

To be fair, that last name's not going to be used anymore. There you go. It's redundant. That's something. That's true. I hope you said that to him. That's not good. To be fair, that last name's not going to be used anymore. There you go. It's redundant. That's something. That's true. I don't think he said that to him. That's funny.

And I said the brother of the groom was actually the brother of the bride. That's nice. Which no one knows except for him when he got up and talked about it for the first five minutes of his speech. So that was good. Oh, that's nice. So I was feeling like an absolute turd by the end of it, and I'm really not very happy. And then he sidles up to me about an hour, two hours later and goes, Dari, mate, some of the best weddings are the ones where the emcee really does a fucking shit job.

That's a vote of confidence. I reckon I can get this gig. I'll just call you tomorrow and ask you to be on the podcast. Yeah, yeah. And say, no, but would you like to emcee my wedding? I'll just call you tomorrow and ask you to be on the podcast. Yeah, yeah. But would you like to emcee my wedding? Tony, do you remember how much, or anyone know this,

how much do flowers at a wedding cost? Does anyone have any idea? No. Any ideas? I would have no idea, no. Let's say $3,000. So my fiancée, Tiff, calls up wedding flower places. The first place she rings, they go,

well, we have a minimum spend on flowers of $5,500. You need to do what I did and go to Las Vegas. It's $140 for Elvis and everything else is complimentary. A ticket for the buffet. Yeah. So, yeah, anyway, so that's ridiculous, isn't it? Yeah, that's crazy well Sam Simmons

got married in Los Angeles in Vegas in Vegas and then I watched it on the internet there was no sound but I'm pretty sure it was them

yeah it was like 10.30 in the morning local time I was eating my cereal watching a wedding Simmons get married anyway

that's enough of that well guys thank you so much for joining us I guess we can let people know on our Facebook and stuff if you're going to do the border protection thing at the end of the year. No, no, once it's back on, we'll come back on. Keep an eye out for that.

Tony, anything you've got coming up that you would like to mention? I should mention the show Upper Middle Bogan is on DVD, which I understand. Did you do the DVD, Tony? I didn't, and you'll know that because there are no Easter eggs. Give me a break. How many Easter eggs on the Barjars DVD? Barjars because there are no Easter eggs. Give me a break. How many Easter eggs on the Barjass DVD? Barjass, I think 19 Easter eggs. Fantastic.

It was the attempt, as I've mentioned before, to have more hidden content than content. Didn't succeed. It was a copyright. The Easter egg's kind of gone out of vogue a little bit, hasn't it? It has. You'd slip up and you'd press left instead of right and Austin Powers' nose would light up and you'd go,

what have we here? It's something from the past. Yeah. Like the Tamagotchi and Spoleto. Tamagotchi. And the one cent coin. And also we've got some, we've got a number of UK listeners.

You worked on Ross Noble's show that's about to be on over there. Yes. It's called Freewheeling. It's on something called Dave, which apparently is an actual TV channel from October 29th. I love it. And is there any touring of your solo show,

of your show that I just watched at the Fringe Festival? I was happy with that, but you can tell me, Carl, you can't really tour a 50-minute show. That's all right for a comedy festival, but you would have to. Why not? Can't you? I feel like it should be longer. I need to have deleted scenes at the end.

No, I think that would be fine. I love the idea of trying to work Easter eggs. No, I think that'd be fine. I love the idea of trying to work Easter eggs into a live performance. Like if your venue just has a room that's like kind of slightly hidden by a curtain. That's what it was the night I saw your show, Tony, because the very last shot is like, and I'm going to show you a shot of the house where this all took place, and it didn't work.

It didn't work. And then it was like the end, and I'm like, oh, okay, well, that's a shame. And then I walked out, and as I walked out, I heard everyone go, oh, it's the house. The house went up. That's nice, man. Keep them guessing. That was an Easter egg I missed out on. I left it with you. I did my show there.

I did a run of a solo show at that same venue, the Butterfly Club, in August. And you can hire a tech from the venue, which I did. And on the fourth night, this was the show that I did about me surviving cancer when I was a kid. And I have this kind of bit that is a very kind of dramatic, serious kind of thing that builds into a big laugh at the end. So it's like this four minutes kind of set up. And as I'm doing it on the third night, I can hear this weird noise up the back of the room. I'm like, what is that fucking noise? And I couldn't do anything about it because I'm in the middle of this bit.

And then at the end, my friend Sam, who'd been there, who was sitting up the very back, he goes, good work by you fucking tech just eating his dinner in the middle of his show. The noise was cutlery scraping on a plate. He's seen the show too. He knows when there's a good moment to get a bit of lasagna and he's gone, this bit about the Make-A-Wish Foundation really works up a hunger. Where is the entree section of your show?

Wow. So, yeah, what have we got coming up? We've got, of course, the T-shirts and stuff still, littledumbdumbclub at gmail.com. Hit us up on Facebook and Twitter and all those things. We're going to organise a live show very soon as soon as we start doing that. Yeah, we've both been very busy. But, yeah, live birthday show is coming up.

Guys, thank you very much for listening and we will see you next time. See you, mates.