The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 159 - John Safran & Ronny Chieng

Episode Date: October 22, 2013

Book Depository, Chicken Fingers and Gaffa Tape.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey mates, welcome once again into the little dum-dum club for another week. My name is Tommy Dasolo, sitting next to me the other half of the show, Carl Chandler. G'day dickhead. What's going on in your life little buddy? Well, there's a lot going on at the moment actually, there's a lot to get to. But one thing I thought I'd bring up the front of the show is um i got a text message the other day that i've told you about already but it just spooked me because this is this is something that maybe one of the guests will help me out with how you do this but i got a text message the other day and you know it's well known on the show that

my my number is out in the air and it's that's 100 down to you and i've and that was what was that 18 months ago maybe i'm still getting text messages it's 100% down to you. And that was, what was that, 18 months ago maybe? I'm still getting text messages. I don't know if it's 100% down to me. I think maybe 80% down to me. Right, okay. Like I think 20% was you provoking me. Right, sure. And then 80% was me actually doing it.

I'll cop that. Yeah. So it's out there. You'd think it would have died down by now. It hasn't. I copped a text message, was it last night or the night before? From myself. I don't know how this works, but there's some sort of deal where you can just use someone

else's phone number or something to send someone else a text. So I get a text message, and this is me in a house, in my house where we are right now, by myself. Really paint the picture, yeah. Yeah, at 11pm, in the the dark watching a show completely in the dark i get a text message i look up it's from carl chandler saying it's 11 p.m on a sunday night do you know where your dasolo is awesome i love it i love it and then you because i you told me that and then you took to facebook like a concerned mom yeah and it's like does anyone know how you

how you how a person would possibly send a message and make it look like from a different number? Yeah. And everyone thinks that I'm just wanting to defraud someone to do it myself. But it's me literally going, am I in the twilight zone? Is this a real thing? Am I going to die? Well, should we introduce the guest who knows a bit more about this, who when I walked in

here was kind of here helping you sort out all the technical problems in your life, trying to find you new internet. You'll know him from It's a Date and Dirty Laundry Life. Please welcome him to the Little Dumb Dumb Club, Ronnie Chang. What up, bro? Thanks for having me. Thanks for being here. Thanks, man.

Should we immediately introduce the other guest? Yes, please. You'll know him from all sorts of shows that he's done, Triple J on Sunday nights, and from his new book book Murder in Mississippi. Please welcome back into Little Dumb Dumb Club, John Safran. G'day. Yes.

Thank you for having me back. Thank you for coming back. This is a real treat, because I think the last time we had you on was one of our comedy festival shows, and I think maybe, correct me if I'm wrong, but you had just gotten back from America, maybe? Yes.

I don't look like a loser in your eyes, because you know how everyone's always making these big promises about what they're doing and what they're working on? And so you would have thought, yeah, sure, John, you can get that book out. Yeah, but I'm one of those people. I'm writing a pilot at the moment. It's going to be awesome. I'm working on sending text messages to myself.

BX, I remember you were being, you were a little bit vague about what was going, what had been going on there because maybe you were saving it for the book or something. But I remember it being a bit of a thing where it was like... Yeah, I was probably just hedging my bets just in case it never got printed or something. Just in case by the look of the book.

I didn't want to look like a jerk. Just in case you got knifed. Yes. Yeah, it's probably... Oh, no, back then I was safe from the knifing, I think. Oh. Oh no, I was back then. I was safe from the knifing, I think, by then, wasn't I? Maybe. I don't know. I don't know because I went twice. I went for one month

to cover this trial, this murder, and then the trial got delayed so I came back to Australia. So I could have been in that in-between bit and then I went back there again. Yeah. But now I'm all messed up and confused. Your book is one of the few books that's got kind of a death threat to the author written on the front cover, which I quite enjoy.

So should we talk about this for a little bit? It's basically... You've got the book here. I don't know whether we should talk too much about it because clearly you're like 50 pages from the end. I'm so nearly there. I'm so nearly there. Yeah, well, that's still pretty good.

It's a long life. You don't all have to read one book in one go. I spent seven years in between starting Satanic Verses and finishing it. There was like a seven-year gap in the middle there. So, you know. I've got so many books on the go that I – like, I don't know. Like, I used to be a real completist. Like, I would start a book and then I would finish it

and I wouldn't get a new book until I'd finished the last one. And then something happened where I don't think I finished a book in like six years. I don't think it's the author's fault if you haven't finished the book, not your fault.

I mean, maybe if you do 20 in a row, then it's your fault. So is this, looking at the bookmark, is this your fault, Joe? Yeah, that's my fault. That's my fault.

Because, like they try to guilt you into it, but it shouldn't be like a guilt thing. You should just move on to a book that you're enjoying and then – Yeah. Yeah. You should be reading for enjoyment.

There should be something – you should get something free every ten pages. I like that. An advent book. It's like a chocolate at the end of each chapter. But like a bad film, you're just like wasting an hour and a half. It's like whatever. You can't like waste a month yeah something a book is a longer commitment there's only 12 months in a year and then the next thing you're dead and then

like why why did you suffer by self-flagellating by reading that book that wasn't any good it's true because yeah finishing a book the only yeah the only motivation is just yeah feeling good about yourself look how many books i've read so we've been, while we were waiting for you to arrive, John, we were being, what's the word? No, I kept thinking castrated.

It's not. Castigated. Yeah. By young Ronnie Chang for using books still. I didn't castigate you for using a book. I said, if you're going to buy a book,

first of all, buy it from book depository so you don't pay for shipping. Definitely don't buy two books from two different locations and pay for shipping for both. You said don't buy a book

because we should be all on e-books now. Oh, no, I didn't say we should all, I use e-books and it's very convenient. I have a Kindle.

And Kindles, I think they make you, you know, if you feel you're a bit of a scatterbrain with books right now, Kindles are even worse make you You know If you feel You're a bit of a scatterbrain With books right now Kindles are even worse Because you can have like

You know 10,000 books on there at once And you're reading In between each one But I think my point was Just don't buy Two books From two different locations

And pay for shipping He didn't even combine shipping You didn't even combine shipping You know like usually When people talk about the arts It's all about Oh what do you do to support the artist Or whatever like that

He's got on this Obsessive on the thing About the shipping The shipping That's why I said I'm supporting the postal industry It's like that's a weird thing To be like passionate about

Yeah Man you haven't You haven't met Ronnie Chang Oh Yeah It's like Tom and Alex On Triple J this morning Did a thing to raise money for Syria

Ronnie Chang's on this podcast Just trying to pump up FedEx Just trying to get them a bit more buns in their container. You know, this is maybe too Asperger-y and uninteresting. You can stop me at any point. Like, you can stop reading that book.

Put the bookmark in. Bookdepository.co.uk or whatever is like, it's got a little trick to it because you think you're getting... Is it a cheat to a book website? Because you think you're getting the UK price and just convert it to Australian dollars, but actually, because the internet's really smart or whatever,

it knows you're in Australia and it's a different price. True. Yes. It knows you're in Australia and it's instantly repricing it for Australia. Oh, okay. And arguably, the sting in the tail is they're loading in the cost of delivery that's supposedly free.

So it's not converting it based on the dollar. It's not going from the UK site and going it's eight pounds, so therefore it's just making up its own price. Yeah, it's making up a new price and we're idiots. So if you've got that computer thing, like if you're Julian Assange and you know how to hack into your computer to make it seem like it's coming from the UK, it'll be a different price. I'm tipping he's a big book orderer online.

That's what he's doing in the embassy, just getting all these books sent in. Ronnie Chang looks furious that his precious little book depositories come under fire. I'm not furious. Yeah, oh, exactly, because this makes you look like... Because your whole routine is, how smart are you on the shipping fee? And this is like you've been scammed by the book depository. Well, how are you being scammed if it's still a low price?

Like, no-one's being scammed. No-one's being scammed. Are they making a profit? Well, good for them, but no-one's being scammed here. It's still cheaper than... You're being scammed. You're being told to pay money for these books

you invented paper you should be getting it for free everything always gets racial on this show I don't think it's fair I'm just like surprised

as you heard it's like this is your social justice cause oh no I just I'm just I'm just really not a fan

of inefficiency and I think that I just think that If you're paying for shipping From two different locations When you could be paying No shipping Or even combined shipping

Is a bit of a travesty Or you could go to your local bookshop And like You could Hey look You could support your local I'm all for that I'm all for supporting

Your local book guy Your local book guy Yeah I've got a dealer I've got a dealer on my corner Your friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man as well You're a fan The guy who walks down the street with a cart

Going, fresher books are this morning Yeah, it's literally what he has This guy's been on my street since I came to Australia Like nine years, he's been there before that obviously What are you talking about? What guy's been on your street? This guy's selling books on my street What?

Yeah, he's next to the subway Now I'm interested He's at the front of Fast Food No, he's in the front of Fast Food. No, no, he has his own shop. Oh, okay. That's not a guy on the street. That's a shopkeeper.

What's his shop called? Oh, man, I wish I could plug it. I can't even remember. It's on Swanston Street. Can't miss it. It's near Melbourne Uni. Free shipping? Yeah, free shipping.

If you walk in there, you don't charge shipping. Wait, you mean to tell me that they take it from the back room into your hands and they don't charge you a red cent? Not a cent on shipping. What, just one book? You don't even have to bundle it together with another book?

Yeah, you can take as many as you want, no shipping. It's just unlimited. I am actually impressed. The fact that there's been a bookstore that's been in business for nine years now, that is pretty impressive. That's what I'm saying. In this day and age, all these bookshops are closing down and this guy, he's stood resolute. You know, if you're an author and if you sign the book They're not allowed to send it back

The bookshop Oh really Yeah It's like you can't return Like headphones Like headphones Yeah Like Penguin said to me

When I was going around Like in the opening week Going to different stores And like signing it They're like Oh this is really good Because they won't be able To send it back now

And I just thought Really is this like our That's like buying the book Opening salvo strategy That seems like the Yeah Desperate Like after a year when it hasn't worked at all strategy rather than the, let's go in on week one and we're doing this so they can't send them back. Yeah, and also it's kind of a diss. It's like no one will want this back now that it's got your dirty old signature on it,

now that he's written his name in silly font. We don't want this crap. How are we going to move this graffitied, horrible old book now? How many do you reckon you signed? Because, Carl, you edited a book that you had to do that for. Yeah, because we're fellow sort of fellow Penguin authors. Oh, yes. What's your book?

Yeah. What's mine called? Yeah. It's called Funny Buggers. And it's a joke book. Yeah. I actually now recall. I remember you telling me this last time.

Yeah, right. Yeah, yeah. So, well, here's my question to you. What's your deal with Penguin? Let's get to Bunce. Let's get to the Bunce. Do you buy books from them and then, you know, when you do your shows, you can sell them at the end?

Ah, yeah. No, no. That can be done. Apparently, the thing is, again, just stop me if this isn't highly boring, is that when you do that, they don't get scanned and go into the chart. Oh, right. And getting into the chart obviously has this momentum because people go, oh, well, that book's number 10,

so that must be a good book. So that's why sometimes Penguin are a bit dark on doing that. Chandler, you blew it. But they get the money, so they're still happy with that. They're happy with the cash. It's the ideal world happy with the cash. It's like ideal world would be getting the cash. So that's what stopped me from being in the New York Times. Yes.

Wow. You told me that and that does kind of, I don't know, it's like when you don't quite know how something works and then you find out from the inside. It's like you having to buy copies of your own book to sell. I mean, it makes perfect sense. I get it, but also it's like, ah, it's a little bit depressing. But you're allowed to return them, aren't you?

It wasn't like you buy them at your risk, was it? No, I don't know if I can return them, but I buy them for a certain price. Yeah. And that's fine. And I emailed them, because it's been there for two years now. So I emailed them the other day and went, it's been there for two years. You don't want that crummy old book at your warehouse. How about a bit of sweet, uh,

massive, massive discount? And they sent me back an email going, no, we're all right. They're fine in the warehouse. It is still pretty cheap when you buy them yourself. Like they give you a big cut.

Oh, it's not overly cheap. I don't think. Plus then Chandler charges people $60 shipping per book. Per book. Not even per package, per book. No, I just wondered whether, whether just wondered whether I'm some chump

getting just a horrible price and it's like, oh, he's on the radio. We better not muck around with that guy. Let's just pick on the podcast dickhead. He's got no outlet

to complain about the price, whereas Saffron can get on Triple J and go, all young people don't buy books anymore. That's it. I think I'm a bit paranoid about Penguin's war against you Just sort of like

Observing the overall facts It seems more like they like you And published your book That seems to be like the salient bit This could be your next Because this book is about you going to Mississippi And covering the trial of the man who murdered Richard Barrett

Next you could be covering the trial of the man who murdered Richard Barrett. Next, you could be covering the trial of Penguin's defamation suit against Carla Chandler. Well, let's just say it'd be more likely to be the death of books. The death of Penguin, I think, would be the more likely option. Yeah, I do like that idea. Especially when Ronnie Chang has his A. Full disclosure, now, Ronnie Chang got here a bit early while we were waiting for you, and I'm struggling with my internet here. I'm not a massively tech-savvy dude.

It's going very slow. Ronnie gets very, very frustrated, as you can already tell, with shipping, let alone technology. So he's got here. I'm on a reasonably bad deal, is what I found out from Ronnie Chang before. I'm on, what is it, 30 gig? You're not very good with deals. You have no leverage

of anything. Why do you sign such bad deals? Can you get some bigger deals? You need like a rep. Did Penguin hook up your internet for you?

Is it Penguin internet? Sorry, what was your deal again? You don't even know your deal. That's the other thing. You don't even know what your deal is.

It's something like 30 gig for $70 I think a month and apparently that's terrible. That's the worst deal ever. So anyway, apparently, so think, a month. Apparently, that's terrible. That's the worst deal ever. Anyway, apparently, so Ronnie got so frustrated. He went, that's it.

I'm going to negotiate a new deal for you. That's it. He's been on his laptop. He's doing the voice. He's been on his laptop for the last half an hour talking to a dodo.com expert online pretending to be me. Yeah, because you won't get moving, so I have to pretend to be you. Pretending to be me? Yeah, because you won't get moving,

so I have to pretend to be you. This guy's asking me, as I'm in person, so I have to log into the online chat to chat to the sales rep, right? So I log in as Kyle. I put your email address. I put your phone number. And he's like...

Which I didn't give to him. Yeah, I just took it. He just hacked me already. I just took that stuff. And then he asked me, while I'm checking in on your, on connecting account, can I ask you how much

are you currently paying with your Telstra cable? And I said, you know what? I don't know. I don't know how much I'm checking in on your connecting account, can I ask you how much are you currently paying with your Telstra cable? And I said, you know what? I don't know. I don't know how much I'm paying because I'm incompetent and I'm just not good with the internet, so I can't tell you any information.

He's like, yeah, but what kind of internet? Is it cable? I don't know. I don't know. What would you like? I don't know. I just know I would like to get it and sell it in my apartment.

That's all. So I can't even give him any details because you don't know any details. It does seem like, because I've got unlimited, I can just do whatever I want with it and it's less than that.

What's 30? It's not very much. It's literally, I said to Ronnie before, it's literally, I get home and my girlfriend's on iView and I'm like,

stop that, shut down the computer right now. We can't afford to be watching Time of Our Lives. It's 2013, there is no reason. Because we were on a plan for a little bit where we'd get these emails going,

oh, tread lightly, boys, we're about to go over your cabin. It's like, there's no reason for this. There's absolutely no reason for this. Yeah, I have to, I start, I can't go down that burrow hole of YouTube. The burrow hole. Yeah, you know that term. Yeah. Of YouTube anymore because I'm like, oh, I can't just watch Jive Bunny and the Master

Mix's video clips anymore because it runs out. Like, I'm sitting, I'm like, oh, I can't just watch Jive Bunny and the Master Mix's video clips anymore because it runs out. I'm sitting, I'm crawling along. You're in a kind of pretty disgusting point in your life. You're subsidising the rest of Australia. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We can all get cheap internet. Because you are paying. Because I have 70 bucks a month

limited internet. Very limited internet. You're kind of in this disgusting point in your life where things have gone very well for you recently. You've been very gainfully employed. So you're just at this point where you can just be paying for shipping from books from all corners of the globe, paying money for internet that you get a megabyte a month, and you don't even care. I'm so well off I'm using 80s technology everywhere. Paying extra for books, paying for dial-up internet for some reason.

Oh, I do like it. I miss that noise, the noise of the internet, the dial-up internet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it felt like I miss having to do something to get on the internet where it felt like just by being there you'd accomplished something. Yeah, again, full disclosure. So Ronnie's been working on my behalf. And not to make the full cliche, but Ronnie's a young Asian man

who's come on and taken on my IT supervisor's role. He always just gets racial with you guys. No, but that's a fact. It's just a coincidence. It's more coincidence than a fact. Okay, tell you something what this guy said. This guy says, oh, you're going to have to edit this part out. Edit, edit, edit.

Just keep saying edit so I know when to do it. You stopped saying edit now. So how are we supposed to know? He could kind of like tell jokes over this. In this blank spot. Go ahead. Well, I was about to say because, you know, John, you say several times in the book,

you're a self-confessed race Trekkie. So anytime Carl in this podcast has kind of had dealing with Ronnie, I've just seen your face light up. I was race Trekkie. It's like a space Trekkie, like a star Trekkie. But instead of being obsessed with like Star Trek and science fiction, it's all about like racial issues. Right. And that's sort of like why I can write a book like Murder in Mississippiissippi about a race crime yeah i'm obsessed just like a doctor who fan right except about you know yeah i would love to see john's book in carl's delicate hands not knowing how to

kind of like dancing his way around the issue of race so then i'm talking to this guy and let's you know his skin was a Just How would you say it Just on two pages Of trying to describe the guy He was banging a gong What would you call those people The Yeah I could

I should totally Like comic com And stuff And people can come dressed up As characters in the book Oh I love cosplay Clansmen and stuff Is that cosplay really

You know Yeah cosplay That's cosplay Yeah cosplay murder in Mississippi Saffest He wants to be blackface? Who wants to be Klansman? Yeah.

Can you be a nerd? Because you look at people who are massive Batman or Doctor Who fans. Can you be a nerd about race? Oh, yeah. You've read except for 50 pages of that book. Yeah. I'm pretty nerdy. Yeah, you're right into it.

And it's interesting because I've just, as of the last year, gotten really into true crime stuff. And so I'm loving that you know, as of the last year gotten really into like true crime stuff and so I'm loving that like side of the book and I'm finding it really fascinating but I think it does say a lot about like, you know, where your interests lie because it's this whole thing like there's, you know, 10 pages of you talking to this guy who's like killed this white supremacist and it's really fascinating

but then you go to a diner and you're like, yeah, then I had some chicken fingers and then got back out. I'm like, hang on, let's talk about the chicken fingers a little bit more. What kind of dips did they have? What are chicken fingers? He's the one accusing me of eating chicken fingers. There is a bit where you're eating chicken fingers. Is that the bit that you've bookmarked here?

Is that what that is? You go through and it's just highlighted every time food gets mentioned. You know in the pages bit in the middle We have to be very delicate Because I basically got like really blown up in Mississippi What do you mean blown up? Like had junk food three meals a day Oh right There's a better word for that than blown up

Really? Just got Fat? Doughy Yeah And so I was really sensitive I told them a thing I said listen Just I'm telling you.

The bit where I say I'm fat, take that out. Yeah, I know you think I'm above this, but I'm not above this. And so all the photos of me there are either from when I was on Race Relations and like not chub or then sort of like distant shots where I'm in a loose shirt. Yeah, there's a couple of baggy jumpers going on, I've noticed. Oh, really? And there's one shot. Hang on, now that you mention it, let me just find this.

That's a great insight. I love that. There is a good one. Actually, yeah. And isn't you just being in America? Because we've been a couple of times together. Here we go. There's just you from behind in that top right corner.

Oh, right. So are you fat in that photo you're saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, wow. That's some great trick photography. I love it. Is that much of a trick, just turning around? Got him.

You know when you, you know, like the FHM and stuff are always accused of, like, airbrushing. It's like, no, they just get the models to turn around. I love the idea that because books are going badly, Penguin don't have the budget to get Photoshop in. So it's like, John, if you can just turn around. How much do you reckon you put on? Oh, I know.

I put on, I've lost 12 kilos since coming back. Wow. Is that the thing where me and Tommy have been overseas to America twice and we've both come back really sort of blown up, as you say. What do you mean,

blown up like fat or like blown up? Yeah, we're dead. We exploded You come back dead No Is it just the food Is it just the I think they've got

Do you know they've got Different sugar than us I've got that corn syrup Oh yeah And that's no good And you can just taste it You can't get things That don't have sugar

Like you get bread Like a loaf of bread And it tastes like cake Yeah yeah right Well I'll tell you what I mean in the US It's like whatever They serve you as a normal serving size,

they should just divide that by four. Yeah, right. It's always just blown up. It's always the most among food. Because they make their fast food so tasty. That's the thing. And also because you're traveling. Like, we would go out and wonder why we're putting on pounds.

It's like, oh, that's because you're going to In-N-Out every meal. Normal people don't do that. And they try to introduce new meals. When I was at Taco Bell They had an ad campaign They had an ad campaign Which was all about the fourth meal Oh great And it was about how

At about late at night Oh what At midnight They were trying to make it this new thing Where you have a fourth meal And they try to make it like You're being oppressed He goes you know when you're hungry

And they've only said you're allowed three meals. Come for them. That's incredible because that's classic advertising, like inventing a thing and then owning it. I'm actually amazed that it's taken that long for someone to do that, for someone to just not invent. That's pretty smart. Yeah, that's incredible.

And was their concept like a midnight meal? Is that what it was? Wow. I tried to like normalise that. The other thing... And was their concept like a midnight meal? Is that what it was? Wow. I tried to normalise that. The other thing at the Walmart that I was at, they had these little electric trolleys and you couldn't quite prove it because there was always plausible deniability

that somehow like, oh, I'm just so exhausted, that's why I need to go on this electric trolley or whatever. Oh, that you ride on yourself. Yeah. Oh, right. But it really was just for obese people. Yeah, yeah.

Like, because who are these people that are somehow not disabled enough that they don't have a trolley but then need one in a – When they get to Walmart. Yeah, my girlfriend worked at Disney World for a year, and it was – I went to visit her. No, she was there for six months. I went to visit her, and it was the same. It's like when you get there, there's this huge bank of those rascal scooters, and

a lot of the people on them are like, you know, there are some like really, really huge people, and then there's people that you go, you're not that big. Like, it's just like, it's just wanting to like hoon around Disney World, which to be fair does sound, does look kind of fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, if you could like hotwire it and get it up to some serious speeds. And it takes so long to get on a ride at Disney World. You might as well just get on the scooter and roll around on that.

And the combination of that and then like a lot of the snack bars in one of the theme parks, you can get these like just legs of like ham. Like Fred Flintstone, you know in the Flintstones when he goes to the Water Buffalo Lodge and they're just eating like a giant hunk of ham on the bone. A thing that big that people are just carrying around. Oh, wow. One arm on the steering wheel of the scooter just gnawing on a hunk of meat. Do you know I'm having a flashback?

I could be wrong, but it's something bad about me, so it's not like I'm big up in myself. I'm big down in myself. I think I stole when I filmed on Race Around the World like about 12 years ago. Oh yeah, when you snuck into Disney World. Yeah, I think I stole maybe like a peanut like snap or whatever.

What do you call that thing where it's like peanut? Peanut brittle. Yeah, peanut brittle. And I think it was just a thrill. Is that an actual thing? Because I thought that's just a thing where you offer someone peanut brittle

and it snaps on your fingers. I didn't know that was an actual thing you could have. But I think it was like a thrill kill thing. Like there was no need for me to do it. Except it was like, oh my God, I can probably get away with this. I can probably get away with this. That's great. And I was in my early 20s.

There's no like, oh, I was just 13 or whatever. I was just eight. I'm like, yeah, in my early 20s. Just stealing peanut brittle. Stealing peanut brittle from Disneyland. Well, you need to edit that whole part out because we can't have that kind of disclosure on the spot. Yeah, Walt's minions do listen to this thing pretty hard.

Yeah, you'd better go home and burn that and dispose of that peanut brittle so that they can't, when the cops come and knock it after they hear this. Have you got this thing running? Have you got your... Yeah, yeah. So he goes...

So I'm talking to the Dodo sales rep, live chatting. And again, Dodo, like... I'm thinking you're going to give me some whiz-bang hot technology. Dude, I'm trying. It's Dodo. Yeah, you... It's not good either. The company who has the worst ads of any internet service provider, I'll say.

Well, hey, dude, you could point your finger... That tree outside is probably giving you a better internet deal than the deal you're in. Like, you're telling me Dodo sucks, man. Look at what plan you're on right now. This is probably an obvious joke but Dodo is, you know,

it's named after something that's extinct, slow and is a bird that doesn't fly. It's unfortunate and they have Tara Reid. Why do you think they called it that?

There's all these companies that are really successful where I'd go, if I was in the meeting, I would have told them not to name it that. I clearly don't know what I'm talking about.

The other one is like Amazon, because I'd be thinking, oh, you're reminding people that with lots of paper, you're cutting down trees in the Amazon. But clearly I just don't know what I'm talking about. Tiger Airways, same thing. Poison chocolate? I reckon they deliberately name it that way, because they want to inspire comics to do a stand-up routine

about it. It gets big and just gets them more exposure. And it's like, yeah, Dodo. Like, what's the upside of Dodo? Yeah. They say Dodo, Dodo, internet that flies. And Dodos didn't fly. Yeah.

So... Yeah, you're right. Actually, there's a lot of flaws in there. Tell them. Get on the chat right now. Someone from the marketing department of Dodo is just sitting there listening to this going, yes, it worked perfectly. That is five free minutes we got on this podcast.

They're talking about it. He goes, so I asked this guy, how's your internet? And then he goes, it's good. And then I go, okay, well, how is it better than TPG or iNet? I mentioned his rivals basically. And he said, there's flies, mate. Have you heard the jingle? And he goes, oh um oh no I had it

I lost it you can't be kidding me I thought that's what he gave you like 15 minutes I had it but I lost it this is inefficient

use of our podcast oh oh no do you know it could have been just a person named it Dodo without thinking

and then I had to work backwards from that because you know my you know when you're young and you start up a business. Yes. I just come up with a name or whatever. And so my one, because I thought it was funny because I was quite young,

was Your Ex-Boyfriend Proprietary Limited. And now I'm just stuck with it. Oh, really? Yeah. So I've got like a checkbook that says Your Ex-Boyfriend Proprietary Limited. Right, right. That's that thing when I first got to uni. It was like you can name all the files

Whatever you want I'm like Oh great A shit burger Dot doc And up your bum And whatever And it's like

Okay guys Open up your files And I'm like Oh Which one was my assignment Was it Was it Dickface

Or was it Or was it Dick cheese I can't remember Which one it was Or the funny email address Which is like Like the tattoo of the internet.

Yeah, exactly. A bit about how everyone's first email username is just like you cringe. What was yours? Mine was, if I do it, everyone has to do it. Okay, sure. Mine was myfishatemetoo at yahoo.com and the eight was the number eight and the two was the number two.teMe2 at Yahoo.com. And the 8 was the number 8 and the 2 was the number 2.

MyFishAteMe2. MyFishAteMe2 because you couldn't get MyFishAteMe1? I couldn't get MyFishAteMe, yeah. I couldn't get MyFishAteMe and it was pissing me off. I'm like, all right, fine. Well, guess what? MyFishAteMe2. There's something to say so destroying when I say someone didn't get their name and I

had to put a 1 after it. God. Not even a one Like there's There's a comic called Daniel Connell A friend of ours And he's like Got Daniel Connell

And with the O He's used a zero So Daniel Connell Zero Eight He couldn't get The first seven Of that one

Yours is Kyle Chandler Or one No no that's my My Yahoo Kyle Chandler 10 Yeah Yeah Cause that's my Yahoo, Carl Chandler 10. Yeah. Yeah.

Because that's my lucky number. It's fine. I always used to get pissed off when you'd put in for what you wanted and it didn't have it and then it would give you all the suggestions. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, what about your tactics? You think you were born on the internet. It's like, don't patronise me.

I know that's an option. So what was yours? Mine was actually dodo.com. I had Dodo. That was my first internet provider. So mention my name, they'll probably recognise me. They'll probably remember. I'll bring you back to your roots, man.

It's where I started. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go back into the files. What was it? It doesn't make much sense, but like I said, you just put whatever in because you think that's funny. Right. It was cotus at dodo.com because I watched a documentary on the ABC about these people

who weren't quite there and there was a guy called Kodas that would walk around the street in Brunswick and was just a complete idiot and would hang around the airport and I was like, I want to be that guy. So my name was Kodas.

It was great. If anyone, you know what? If anyone knows this documentary, I would love to see it again. It was called On the Waves of the Adriatic and me and my friends Were obsessed with this documentary About these three

Bumbling idiots That would just walk around Brunswick And one day my friend Pulled up at traffic lights And one of the guys From the documentary Was there Like you know

He was only half there Sort of walking there Going oh I don't know what's going on So my friend Opened his door And goes Get in Kodas

And like made him Get into his car And was driving him around And the guy was just scared in the car going I don't know where I am anymore and then he was just like

let me out here and he just got out in the middle of nowhere and that was it and my friend rang me immediately and went you know your email address Kodas

he was in my car just then oh wow so it actually became a real life story and by the way we have to edit that whole thing up

because I'm pretty sure you just disclosed that your friend kidnapped someone so we probably get that out. I really appreciate having the audio edit points just spelled out for us. What was yours, Tommy? Mine was Hangman at Hotmail because I just liked – again, I just –

You got Hangman? Yeah. That's pretty great. Like Hangman, straight up Hangman. No, it was Hangman 2K. It was the turn of the 90s when it was like that was the thing to put 2K. Yeah, it's not going to be dated. It was like 1999 and it was like, let's get boys.

Because me and my mates all had 2K at the end. It's like, let's get in on the bottom floor of the 2K explosion. Hang on, when did you get that? Did you get that in like 2001? Because that would have been more impressive No, it was like 99 or something What about all those internet suffixes That they say are going to be the next big thing

And like you should try to get your name with it Like.name .biz Yeah,.biz I think that's all crap .co.nz That's pretty cool I think even UK became.co

They stopped doing.co.uk Oh really? Is that right? I can't remember Maybe It does sound like a thing that would be real But yeah I'm wanting to do that I've got my website that has absolutely nothing on it

CarlTandler.com But I should get one of those ones That's like Carl at CarlTandler.com surely But instead I've got my Yahoo account Do you reckon you sound like a jerk Or not a jerk If you've got your name as your email address? So, john at johnsaffran.com.

I reckon that's better than me at johnsaffran.com. I've got me at. I've got that. Do you? I don't like that. Really? Why not? I just don't.

It sounds dumb. Really? Yeah. Because I just think it's like Tommy at, Tommy, it's like no shit. Yeah. It's you at you. Yeah. I've investigated this because I was because when I was applying for jobs,

I was trying to figure out, like in the corporate world, what's the most professional. Because you can't say, my fish ate me. So it's actually important. It kind of matters. Well, you can't when you don't have it. You had to say, my fish ate me. Unless you're going for a job at Hotmail.

Wow, you've done really well with this. You can't even apply for a job at the aquarium because you sound unprofessional. You've got even apply for a job at the aquarium because you sound unprofessional. You've got eight by fish. Not safe around that. And actually, I

actually argue that anything other than a Gmail account, if someone applied for a job using Yahoo, I'd be like, this guy doesn't know what he's doing.

Yeah, I agree completely. So that matters. But then the argument is Ronnie at Ronnie Chang, is that too much? Like what John

says, that's what he's saying. I think that that would be the stat. I think that's okay, Ronnie at Ronnie Chang is that too much like what John that's what he's saying I think that that would be the stat I think that's okay Ronnie at Ronnie Chang that's because

you're being formal and you can argue that that email address is something that you chose that because you'll stick with you

whereas Gmail might be bankrupt but Ronnie Chang will never be bankrupt Ronnie Chang will never be bankrupt

what about this Ronnie can I can I have can I have Tommy Dazzolo at RonnieChang.com? Do you reckon we can get that going? Is there any chance of that? I can hook up that email address for you. Please. You actually want that email address?

I actually do want that. I can do that. We can hit that up. Let's do it, man. Let's go into cahoots. What about the particular Aussie angle of people think you're a wanker? How does it John at John Safran? You're never going to get around. How are you're a wanker. Like how does a John at John Safran But you're never going to get around

like how are you not a wanker? Like how is it possible to not be a wanker? JohnSafran at gmail.com I guess if I had

a better business name it could be John at whatever that better business name was. But now I can't be John at correctboyfriend.com

You can't be a wanker by going like who's going John at John Safran Who does he think he is? John? I'm just paranoid about Aussies because they've Boyfriend.com. You can't be a wanker by going, like, who's going John at John's Daffodil? Who's he think he is, John? I'm just paranoid about Aussies because they've got a real low bar before they accuse you of being a wanker.

Once this person saw me drink a red wine in a pub. It was like, because I don't really like drinking that much alcohol. And then if I'm forced to be social, it's like that. And then suddenly on Twitter I saw, I go, guess I'll have John Safran. And I'll think, wanker. And then this other time, I swear I was wearing a scarf and it was cold and everything. It was this red scarf.

And then they're like, Joe John Safran's out there in a red scarf. Wanker. So that's why I'm paranoid that my John at johnsaffran.com... Oh, your precious creature comfort. But couldn't you go the other way? Like, in this country, like, if there is... There's such a low threshold,

and just accept that it's going to happen no matter what you do. So just, you know, just don't worry about it. I would argue John at johnsaffran.com is safe, yeah. Like, email me at johnsaffran.com is when I start to get, like... But when someone goes, oh, the email address is john at johnsaffran.com or whatever, because I've heard you mention that on your radio show, you're looking for submissions and stuff.

Like I hear that and I just go, that's not your real email address though. You've got a Gmail account somewhere that that's been forwarded to. Oh, I get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, absolutely. Because do you have a secondary personal one? A secondary email address? Do you have john at ronnycheng.com?

No, I've got johnsafran at gmail.com. Oh, wow. You're just giving them all out. You can't give that away. Well, they are. Like, when I'm writing the emails to the killer in that book, I've got my actual email address, too. Oh.

Oh, okay. So you're now, after this show, literally, and people will do it that listen to this show, you're going to have to sift through. You're going to have files full of idiots going, hey, fuckhead, nice fucking wine, nice scarf, you idiot. And they're sitting in the same box as you've got murderers' emails. I guess these guys are future murderers.

Yeah. There's an epic defeat. Can you pass me the book? I want to show you this epic defeat at the very end of the book. And I think it's Penguin. I don't want to start a fight. I don't want to start a war with Penguin. I've done some drawings of you at the very end of the book, and I think it's Penguin, I don't want to start a fight, I don't want to start a war with Penguin. I've done some drawings of you in the margins, so. But

after the acknowledgement, I thought it would be really cool for me to, look, got a lead for my next true crime story, and then I've got a PO box, and then got my email, and they put the wrong email address. They put johnsafran at johnsafran.com. Ah, right.

But then I... This is so boring. Then I got... So now that's an email. Oh, that's a thing now, right. So now you've got several. I like it. johnsaffran at johnsaffran.com is just ridiculous.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a bit repetitive, yes. It's an internet stutter. I like the... I do like the call-out at the end of the book for more crimes. It's like unsolved mystery style. Just like, yeah, looking for cases. That's what I was going to say before with that at the start of the show when I was talking about someone has sent me this text

and it says, from Carl Chandler. I was like, I immediately replied to it. I go, what the fuck are you trying to do? And then it just goes straight to me. Oh, man. You're stuck in a loop. So I send that thing and go, who the fuck are you? What are you trying to do?

Send. And then immediately get a response. I go, oh, fuck, that was quick. And then it just goes, who the fuck are you? What are you trying to do? Right, right, right. Oh, I'm an idiot. Yeah.

And I go, oh, what else have I texted to myself? And all I've texted to myself since I've had this phone are people's number plates that have like cut me off and stuff and I've just gone oh I'm going to get this guy somehow STR67 wow

what an angry dude you actually do that the great the Jelander yeah and do you ever do anything with the information no no

because then they cut you off you write by the time you write it down you get to a traffic light you're like oh I've got better stuff to do than that

g'day the coppers got some numbers for you. And also, that's a very inefficient way to... Sorry, how should I be doing that? Open your notepad and write... Why are you SMSing the numbers to yourself? It's costing... Yeah, you should go to copdepository.com.

They've got all that stuff for free for you. I should get the app for that. Put these cunts in prison. The new app. I'm interested in what Saffran's first email address was. Your handle, your username. Oh, I think I had xfriend at hotmail.com. Xfriend?

Yeah. Is it EX or just X? No, EX. Okay. So I was pretty happy that I got that early. My big regret is I remember when I got johnsafran.com as a domain name. I could have got safran.com because it was such early days. But I got johnsaffran.com as a domain name. I could have got saffran.com because it was such early days. But I got johnsaffran.com

and then saffran.com is like this huge, like I think they do in Germany or something and they do aerodynamic you know, it's like Boeing or something. Yeah, so you could have held out on the name and stunned them for some sweet Yeah, that's why I keep on thinking like what could have been

That was like coming in Breaking Bad, wasn't it? In about season two or something. Or you could have had your email, this would be great, john at

saffran.com. I like that. It's just kind of like your full name across the course of the email address. So you're saying that you could have

cyber squatted basically and then sold that off. I know, but they probably just would have gone with saffran.biz. Yeah, my saffran ate my fish.

Saffran1.com. That would be awesome. I went to get it. I went to, yeah, I've mentioned this recently. I went to buy a domain recently and it wasn't available and the recommendations were like... What's the domain? Oh, because I made this little web series

and I wanted to have a dedicated domain for it and I was like, oh, cheaplunch.com. I thought you were doing something like Scurrilous on the side. No, no, no. And it wasn't available and their recommendations were like, oh, you can't have.com, but what about.net? And it was like, don't you?

Why don't you just spit in my face? You could legitimately... I've seen your... I've seen your project and you could legitimately have chiptv.tv no I've got it now I've got it now someone who listens to the show

bought it for me oh really yeah well that's you know you guys are just really on the ball what about that how efficient is that

you can't get any more efficient I didn't spend a single cent of my own money how is the dodo expert going so he goes ask him what his first email address was bring him in let's bring him in.

Let's bring him in as a guest. We should bring this Dodo expert in. He's actually really helpful. He's saying stuff like, so I'm talking about the competitors, TBG,

IINET. I'm like, oh, that's a great plan, Dodo, but I'm going to look at TBG and IINET. This is a negotiating

tactic, by the way. You always mention the competitors so they get angsty. This guy starts getting angsty. He goes,

well, it's pretty obvious that I've narrowed down your options. I'm like, pretty obvious that I've narrowed down your options I'm like really how have you narrowed it down he goes

we know you deserve we know what you deserve and that's what we provide our customers and TBG that's my pick up line by the way so why settle for less

when you can get a better service with more features and then I go is someone actually saying this I don't know if he's copy and pasting or whatever but he keeps going with it and you know and we've had a. But he keeps going with it.

And we've had a... I think I'm going to marry him. Plug the podcast in here. What have you got him down to? Have you got him down to a good rate yet? No, I didn't want to be rude, so I couldn't focus on my negotiation. I'll contact him later. I read this article about delivery,

speaking of being obsessed with shipping. And I don't know if I dreamt this, but I kind of dreamt it because it was so specific about, you know, drones. Yeah. That in Australia... I say I know them. I'm not sure if I do know them.

They kind of like float. They're like remote control things, but they're more nimble. So it's like having a remote control helicopter, toy helicopter, except they're kind of more nimble. Right. Or whatever. And then Barack Obama puts bullets on them or bombs,

but you don't have to do that. Anyway, apparently Australia is one of the few places where they're legal, provided they don't have bombs attached to them. Because I remember the show Harley Breen has bought one, and all I know of it is you put bombs on it or whatever, and I'm like, who's he bombing? They're testing delivering solo books. Oh, right.

Yeah, and they're saying it's cheaper than putting it, like, shipping via a courier or whatever. It only costs 80 cents a spot, and they'll carry your book. Very limited range, though, surely. I don't know. Look at the scepticism in writing. He's not happy about this. I'm going to buy a copy of your book. Can I get it delivered via drone?

Via drone. Can I get that? That'd be awesome. I think they're just testing it at the moment though. You need to try it. You can't just deliver that. It's not like the drone

will come up to you and tap you on the shoulder and show you here's your book. It'll shoot that thing into your door and slam in your face. It's not the delivery method.

That's my... Well, you just need to start small. John, if you kind of personally deliver these books to people like that old McDonald's ad where the kid drives his remote-controlled car down and gets delivery taken back to him.

If you just, like, attach a little camera and you drive the book to people's houses. Well, I've been looking for a bit of a publicity thing. You need those. Yeah. The other publicity thing I haven't quite nailed it. Maybe we can brainstorm. It's something to do with George Brandis and him, like, getting books. You know,

that senator. Is he a senator or a House of Rep for the Liberal Party? And he got caught getting all these books and claiming them on taxpayer money.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I feel like there's some idea there that I haven't quite nailed with my book and that. Maybe the remote control drone can get in there. Yeah, I like the drones

a lot better. He just claimed the shipping costs on taxpayer money and that's what people are furious about. They're like, you can get in there. Yeah, I like the drones a lot better. He just claimed the shipping costs on taxpayer money. That's what people are furious about. They're like, you can get it for free. Get onto your book depository forum. Null that shit out.

Well, this is a little interesting, this internet stuff, because I had a similar internet thing happen yesterday. Our internet went down, so I had to call up. Very, very quickly, I'll just tell you this. This is the depths of all of my lack of know-how. Yes. Before all this happened, I drove to Nick Cody's house to download a file because I didn't – it's not fast here.

So I drove to North Melbourne, downloaded a file, said, thanks, Nick, and then drove back. And I can see on your desktop boobs.jpg, and it looks like that tree was really... Boobs won. I couldn't get boobs. Kyle Chandler bringing the human race backwards every day. But I felt like I got a little bit of karma from being so dumb with that because as I drove home, Nick rang me, and he's like, oh, I forgot to do this when you were here.

Can I just test out some jokes on you? And I'm like, well, this is weird, but go ahead. And then he started reading out stuff out of my notebook that I'd left at his house, which is officially the worst thing. It's worse than being bombed by a drone, is have your own jokes read out at you. It's horrible. Especially half-written ones in a book where it's just like,

what's up with balloons? I'm like, oh. But isn't that the ultimate test? If you hear it in that way, read through someone else's voice, and you like it, then that's probably a good test that the joke's good. If I I'm like, oh. But isn't that the ultimate test? If you hear it in that way read through someone else's voice and you like it, then that's probably a good test that the joke's good. If I laugh at it, yeah. But so yesterday I had to call up IONET and get their support team to help us get our internet back on track.

And he's sort of talking me through it and it's getting pretty complicated. He's like, look, we'll do this thing. Go to this site, download this thing. So I download it and I don't quite know what's happening. And he goes, now you just install that so then that installs and then he and then so i'm looking at my screen and then my mouse just starts moving around and he goes so now i've got remote access to your computer and i'm just in here and so i can fix it up and i did not get briefed on so here's what i had open i was trying to ronnie's gonna suggest that I edit this out. I was trying to illegally download Pusha T's new album,

which if you do any of that kind of download stuff, you'll know that those websites are just fraught with pornographic pop-ups. So there's like just a – And especially when you deliberately click on them. Yeah, especially when I'm in the middle of entering my credit card in. So there's a repeating gif of some just hardcore sex happening in one corner of the screen. I have three separate tabs open of my own website.

I'm on Facebook chat and I've just told someone to go fuck themselves in a chat window. So he comes in and he sort of instantly sees all this and he's like, oh, so just so you know, I can now see everything in here. So if you click this, I'm like, yeah, I'll just do a bit of tidying up before we get into it. So yeah, I had to then do all that. And then I had Facebook still open and it was like, if you get a message on Facebook, up the top on the tab, it'll say, and so it's just blinking saying, Carl messaged you the whole time he's doing it.

And then after 10 minutes, he's like, boy, Carl really wants to speak to you, doesn't he? It's really bad when they kind of poke into your private life like that. They tell you like, oh, this is a personable thing. But like when I went to the post office, if they can tell what my parcel is that's been delivered, they make a little comment about it and I'm like, I don't want that. Yeah. It's like, oh, records are coming back. And so it's kind of like fine because they've just caught me with records,

but I'm like, oh, so did they just sort of observe and make judgments about every package? Yeah, it's like a head in a box that someone sent to your PO box after they've read the end of the book. They're like, oh, I think you've got a live one here. Good lead on this one. But it's because it's this weird program that I had to put in, and then he goes, like he kept trying to reassure me.

He's like, yeah, yeah, so after we're done with this, the program just automatically deletes and then you know we can't get in anymore and i'm like yeah but you know it's that easy for you to just get in are you using a mac or windows mac okay because this is the thing i don't know if you guys remember like a couple months ago in the papers uh there were all these stories about these guys who had like been blackmailed by people who were like yeah we've got footage on you that we took from you like all this stories about these guys who had been blackmailed by people who were like, yeah, we've got footage on you that we took from you. All this stuff about people's webcams getting hacked into. Them going, yeah, we've seen you do all this stuff.

And yeah, we want a billion dollars or we're going to release the footage. And it was just this week where there were all these stories about it. And then I was about to have a little bit of private time in front of the laptop. And I was so paranoid that I actually went and got gaffer tape and kind of like taped up the little camera in the thing in my computer. Because I was all paranoid that someone was going to get footage of me and go, well, let's leak this onto the black market. Now, Ronnie, do you know about webcams? You gaffer taped that up instead of, and all you did was just tell everyone that you were having a wank

in front of the computer. Yeah. So, yeah. Do you know, like, should we be paranoid about webcams? Man,

I've got a bit about this. It's like, what you're doing that's so interesting for your life that you're scared. Like, okay,

if you want to be paranoid, I know people who actually tape it up, tape up the webcam with tape, like you said, but I don't know, man. I don't know. I just... Does it work like that? Yeah, if you tape it up tape up the tip up the yeah with with tape like you said but i don't know man i don't know i just does it work like that is it yeah if you tape it up obviously they can't understand how tape works i know how tape works i'm talking about yeah the actual

camera yeah no you can like theoretically you could you could you could really yeah you could but it's not i don't know i don't think it's it's very simple you need to have pissed off anonymous for them to go after you or something but you know it's not like the jo't know, I don't think it's very simple. You need to have pissed off anonymous for them to go after you or something. But it's not like any Joe Smuck can go on that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ad homo. Did I use the right average person name? Joe Smucko.

Joe Smucko. It was pretty freaky though, sitting there and just seeing my mouse just kind of like looping around doing all this stuff. And then I started thinking, should I just like, I should try and get a plug for the podcast in, just like open a tab and start playing it on iTunes. And he's like, oh, this is great. I'll have to start listening every week. Freaky.

Yeah, I've done that before. But yeah, I mean, you know that, you know, as a young man, you're going to have things on your computer that probably you don't need everyone seeing. Yes. That's a big yes. Yeah. That's, yeah, that's, I didn't know you could do that from a million miles away. Because that used to happen in, like, in a workplace to me. Someone from IT would go, oh, I'll do that.

And even in a workplace, I'd be like, yeah, probably don't look at a lot of stuff that's on my work computer even then. But it's like someone staying in your house where, like, I just always invent skeletons in my closet that aren't there. I'm like, I don't want this person looking through my stuff. Well, I'm pretty paranoid like that too because I've sold a couple of like media

like I've sold like an SD card I've sold SD cards like used ones I formatted it I get really paranoid I wipe it with like military grade

like wiping it's just all you have to do is write on it once you write on it it's over like you can't recover that stuff but if you format it

you can still recover it because I've recovered formatted stuff before oh really yeah so you wanna you wanna write on it because I've recovered formatted stuff before. Oh, really? Yeah, so you want to write on it. But I had a faulty hard drive. There are a lot of photos on it

which I managed to get off and then I returned it as part of the warranty. And as soon as I mailed it off, I just paranoid the whole time just about like what was, you know, nothing happened

but it's just the same paranoia that I should have wiped it more or whatever. Yeah, yeah. I exchanged a Mac once to get a new Mac and the guy just really over the top went, don't worry, whatever's on there, we'll get rid of and no one will see it.

Without me even asking, just goes down. And I'm like, is what? Was the computer particularly dirty? Was it going to have stains on it? Why did you go over the top? Over your face, you do. It's suspicious. Yeah, yeah. Was it going to have stains on it? Why did you go over the top? Over your face. You do look suspicious. Yeah, yeah.

Was it coming in a raincoat? But like that being said, have you ever found like – I can't remember where I was. I was on holiday somewhere and I found someone's camera like in the street. And you've got to look through. You've got to look through the photos. And it's like finding – or have you ever found like a letter in the street that someone's written and tossed away? Yeah, I love that.

That's the best. Or a page of a diary. There was this like – Even a shopping list. Are you guys talking about a letter on the street? Yeah. You love finding letter in the street that someone's yeah i love that that's the page of a diary there was this shopping list are you guys talking about a letter on the street you love finding letters on the street yeah yeah what i've done that before it's awesome you've how you wear letters on the street yeah something well people's letter boxes whatever there was a um at the park near my parents house i remember one time i was down there and there was like kind of four or five pages of a diary that someone had torn out and it was like bunched up and it was like detailing this really intense breakup that this young girl had had and all this stuff that the boyfriend had done to her.

It was fucking awesome. You know what? We found – was it me or someone else? I think someone found a bunch of my stories that i wrote like as a as a child like you know when you write what do you call process writing or what did you call it like if you're in grade three and you'd write stories you'd write a book and they'd they'd package it together as a book did you do that they'd bind it together and it was like you've written a proper book john do you know what that's like but you do that in grade three or whatever yeah someone

found like a bunch of mine up the tip i was like oh cool thanks mom and dad yeah but yeah um my mates found a bunch of that sort of stuff and it was like that was awesome because you find all these kids stories and whatever and there was one called the three shriels and some teacher had let this kid write a book they'd just gone i don't know what a shriel is we'll just let that go it was squirrels but they'd spelled it s-r-e-e-l-s you know shriels yeah yeah right technology wise i'll say this um and you'll get this is just i'm just trying to bait you from now on. But this is not quite super technology, but it does show what sort of household we run here. Our shower head, we didn't know whether it was water pressure in the whole house, or the shower head, whatever it was.

We've been getting the worst showers of all time. It's just so bad. But we've been here for three years and put up with it for three years. The worst showers, is it like dripping out? It just sputters? It's 10 out of 10 hotness and then 0 out of 10. Freezing cold.

Just constantly. The worst showers. The absolute worst showers That is the worst because when I moved into my old house, like getting there and going,

oh, you go to the inspection and go, this house is great. I want to live here. You sign the thing. You get in and you go, great. You come to day one.

You get in the shower and you go, oh no. Lemon. I'm stuck with this forever. Yeah, well that's what it is. We've been here for three years, but instead of fixing it or finding out what was going on, we just

go, oh, what are you going to do? My girlfriend's literally like, we have to move house. I'm like, why? Because I don't like that shower. That's three minutes in your day. Every day she goes, I don't care. We're moving house. She's looking around to move houses

because of the shower head why live like that don't live like that but it's like it's such a fixable thing I assume I've done nothing to prove that sure I don't know

so the other day she went to Bunnings and she's like can you fix it I'm like I'm not that sort of guy I'm not going to fix that helpful so she went to Bunnings

and came back with a new shower head and I'm like what are you doing with that and she goes well it could be just a shower head I'm like but who's going to fix it and came back with a new shower head. And I'm like, what are you doing with that? And she goes, well, it could be just a shower head. I'm like, but who's going to fix it? And she's like, oh, I'll get my brother. And then she went, hey, there's a really great thing on TV and, like, distracted me.

I'm like, oh, cool. And she gave me something to eat. And I say, she went around the back and tried to fix it herself. And then it didn't get fixed. She just pulled it off and it didn't. You are not concerned at all about being a disappointment of a man, are you? There's no part of you and for a guy that's under fire for lack

of proposal and all that stuff, you're still more than happy to go, nah, you just trot on down to Bunnings. I'm just going to sit here and watch MotoGP. Yeah, yeah. But she came back and she couldn't get it working so there's just a hole in the wall where the water was coming out. And she walks out and literally, I'm watching and eating and she walks out and literally I'm watching and eating

and she walked out and went I'm just going to go down the shops and get a milkshake and I'm like alright and then

she comes back like with all this stuff from Bunnings in a big bag and I'm like they don't sell milkshakes at Bunnings do they?

and she's like no no and then just walks in there and fixes it herself and like takes all afternoon oh but she did it.

Yeah, so now it's working. So we don't have to move house anymore. Oh, so the problem was the shower head. Yeah. Yeah, cool. This is embarrassing but true. The only time I've been motivated to go to a hardware store, to Bunnings, was I had this deluxe Scrabble board.

What, with new letters? No, it was like wood and it kind of folded at a hinge and then it kind of broke. And then I was like, I've got to go get this fixed. And so the first time I went to a hardware store was to fix my scrabble board. Yeah, well, you've seen those ads on TV. Come down to Bunnings and get your scrabble hinges.

So why wouldn't you go down there? Now that you mention it, that would be quite nice to have a board games day at Bunnings because they've got that bit up the back where they've got all those pre-made little tree houses and sheds. I don't know if you heard the story just before that I told. I do not go to Bunnings. Oh, okay.

Well, that's a thing that they have. There's little kind of, you know, little pergolas and stuff throughout the back of your house. Why were you at Bunnings? What? Why were you at Bunnings? How do you know? I know people who've worked there.

Sausage sizzle. Sausage sizzle. Sausage sizzle. No, I haven't been in one for a long time. Let's all go down there now. No. Okay. John, I want to tell you this quickly. I was talking to a friend of mine, a friend of the show, Aaron Gox, a comic from Brisbane,

very funny guy who I think we're going to one day try and have on this show because he's certainly an odd dude. He was telling me he... Certainly an odd dude, did you say? Yeah, he's an odd dude. He's an odd dude. He's a funny dude. Love you, Aaron. Love you, bro. Yeah, he's certainly an odd dude. He was telling me he... Certainly an odd dude, did you just say? Yeah, he's an odd dude. He's an odd dude. He's a funny dude. Love you, Aaron.

Love you, bro. Yeah, he's great. Anyway, he was telling me him, this is years and years ago, him and a friend of his came down to Melbourne and they're both very big fans of yours and his mate had never been to Melbourne and just got obsessed with going on the John Safran reality tour. But it was just like, it wasn't even specific things.

It was like, oh, let's just do a lap of Ackland Street because he talks about Ackland Street once in a bit. I bet he ate a cake once. And was just losing his mind. Oh, let's get on this number tram that he's taught. Like, just these, like, not even like, you know what I mean? Not even going to, like, the record store where you filmed the opening of Music Jamboree.

Let's just go, let's zoom out a bit on Google Maps and go to that. It's like Notting Hill, like going to the bookshop in Notting Hill. Yeah, yeah. Catching the decrepit tram. Yeah, yeah. Carlisle Street. Yeah, I had a friend who just came in from Malaysia to visit. He's never been to Melbourne before, never been to Australia before. And he told me he

really likes Melbourne. But he asked me, why is it that there are so many crazy people in Melbourne? And I'm like, now that you mention it, he's like, every day, there's at least one dude just being nuts on the tram or on the streets. And for such a chilled out city, which Melbourne is compared to

Malaysia, it's so chilled out. There's always crazy people. It's on the license plate. Melbourne. The chilled out city. which Melbourne is compared to Malaysia. It's so chilled out. There's always crazy people. It's on the license plate. Melbourne, the chilled out city. With crazy people. What is it about crazy people, though, that they love the hubbub?

In the mix. There's none here, in this street here. There's no one sitting there next to the tree going, seagulls are fucking controlling my mind. But if you go to Bourke Street, it's like chockers. Yeah, I don't know.

I can't explain it. I don't want to be mean by calling them crazy people, but they're not quite right. It's a lot of, yeah. Well, do you, Johnny, are you getting kind of hit up by that? Because you've got this call out in the book for true crime stuff and a lot of your stuff deals in kind of, I guess, like conspiracies and that sort of stuff.

Do you get people come up and go, mate, I've got a bloody good one for you? Yeah, yeah, now and then. Yes, no, I definitely get people who... You must get crazy people because you're dealing religion as well, which is, you know, the craziest. Yeah, I've got this one guy at the moment who several times a day sends me things that I don't understand.

It's a bit like those binary things where, like, 11100000. Oh, my God. No, don't read that. There's a bit of Satanism in it too. Like, I just don't understand. No, don't read that, don't read that. And he bit of Satanism in it too Like I just don't understand No don't read it Don't read that And he sends it to me

Like three times a day Is he trying to program you? Yeah he's reprogramming you Don't read that Don't read that Ask the dodo guy What he thinks about that I love it

I've broken him Tommy's Tommy got him There's an immense Satisfaction in Leading Runny Change a breaking point Because he'll say

He'll say that Whatever it is We can get to you quicker Than the competition If you want me Reprogrammed We can download That stuff quicker

That's all he's telling me He just wants to Spook his Offices and services Mate you know your options What did he say We've given you the best deal He said I've clearly Nar narrowed down your options.

If you want to get reprogrammed quicker, come to the door. I'm not sure I've narrowed down your options. Yeah, he's put a hit out on Telstra. It's like the text message I got the other night. That's what it feels like. I've narrowed down your options. And you're alone. I'm behind you.

But the thing about that was, I just realized, is because the message said, do you know where your Dasolo is? And then you immediately popped up on Facebook chat to say, oh, hey, this just happened. So it's like you were kind of like trying to check, like you were like, oh, like you did actually check up on me. You did actually check up and see what I was doing.

You could see that I was online on chat, but you needed to know. Having said that then, I immediately put it out on Facebook going, hey, does anyone know how to do this? Someone told me how to do it and I immediately used it to try and send you a message from yourself telling you to get fucked. So obviously, it didn't work.

No, it didn't work at all. Oh, damn. Well guys, that I think is all the time that we have for today on the Little Dumb Dumb Club. Ronnie Chang, John Safran, thank you very much for joining us. When does this get broadcast? Tomorrow, I believe. So I can tell, and it goes all over Australia, doesn't it? Yeah, all over the world.

Are you allowed to say when you're doing your show? Yes. Please. I was just about to get to that. Have you done radio before, John? You actually interrupted me from telling people about that to tell us about that. I'm doing a Murder in Mississippi show. It's like a proper show, like where there's like a monologue with a script that goes,

got a beginning, middle and end. You saw the test show, didn't you? I did show the, I did see the test. Even the test was great. And he got like footage of Mississippi and of the dead, me and the dead guy before he was dead. Wow. Yes.

No chicken finger footage, which I was disappointed with. But yeah, like. And it's, it's so, I only say this because it's it's impressive because it's got the word Sydney Opera House in it. That's a lot more impressive than what you said before, which is it features me and the dead guy before he was dead. So if you wanted to come to the one at the Sydney Opera House, you can't because it's sold out. Two impressive things in there.

Yeah, that's at the Festival of Dangerous Ideas, but that's sold out at the Sydney Opera House. I was so impressed when I got to tell my dad. Yeah. Like, you know, are you just still trying to impress your parents and stuff? Yeah, they're not impressed at all. Yeah, really. Absolutely, yeah.

That felt really good. I felt really good being able to say the Sydney Opera House because it makes me seem, like, legitimate and stuff. Yeah, the only thing, I can say whatever. I say I work for TV on this or do that or whatever that or whatever they go yeah how's the graphic design going are you getting any clients any freelance work because that's like a proper job yeah yeah yeah 6th of november the melbourne version is at the athenian theater that's that's another great one yeah look at you you've got the opera it's like oh this little dump called that's not sold out that's

nearly sold out, apparently. And then the one on 9th of November at the Brisbane Powerhouse. Yeah, sure. Yeah, and I think that's... I believe Aaron Gox is going to that one, so you can meet him and relive that story live in the flesh. You'll be the one with the glittery knife. I got some true crime for you.

And definitely check out the book, Murder in Mississippi. I am loving it. Like, I really was racing to finish it before this. And, yeah, it's really great. Just be careful of shipping costs. Bookdepository.com. Ronnie Chang. .co.uk.

What would you like to plug apart from Dodo and the Book Depository? Go to my website. I'm going to be in Brisbane and Adderley doing the comedy clubs there in the next two weeks. Excellent. I hope there's not a clash. Yeah. Or at least I hope you step someone so that John can talk about it. Like my powerhouse show in your thing or whatever.

But Ronnie's doing several nights in both cities. Oh, okay. One night. Right. So if you have to choose, I think I've narrowed down your options. So go to my website ronnychang.com

r-o-n-n-y c-h-i-e-n-g ronnychang2.com what oh ronnychang2.com yeah I just revamped my

whole website yeah I saw it today looks great oh really okay yeah you can

get us through our website ronnychang.com slash the little dum-dum club website yeah I saw it today looks great oh really yeah you can get us through our website ronnychang.com slash the little dum-dum club I wouldn't

mind doing that actually it's another one we should do the t-shirts and stuff little dum-dum club

at gmail.com there's not many left we've still got this bloody birthday show that we've got to get off

our asses and organise and yeah thank you very much for listening. Check out, check out. If you're a tourist in Melbourne, don't forget to come and check out the Thursday Room. I run Five Rose Comedy.

It's always got friends of the show. Chock-a-block on it. There's me getting you changed for a $20 note at the door as well. So, if that's not worth $12... I can't believe your parents aren't impressed yet. Thanks very much for listening, guys, and we'll see you next time. See you, mates.