The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 16 - Greg Fleet

Episode Date: February 9, 2011

Sting with Strings, Faecal Court and Clay Dogs Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

All righty, here we go. Hey, mates, welcome to the Little Dumb Dumb Club. My name is Tommy Dasolo. Sitting opposite me, my brother from another mother, the wind beneath my wings, my light in the darkness, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. Yeah. Hey, thanks for joining us, everyone.

If you're a new listener to the show, welcome aboard. This is the Little Dumb Dumb club where we sit down with a comedian pal of ours every week and talk a bit of shit for roughly 40 odd minutes. Our guest this week, the one and only Gregory Fleet. Oh my goodness. The motherlode.

Been trying to get this to happen for a while and it's finally the chickens have come home to roost. We've been trying to roost these chickens for some time, and it's now happening. But I've got to say, at the risk of sounding homophobic, which I'm clearly not, perhaps the gayest intro music we've ever heard to a show like this.

Current international guest on these shores, Aloe Blacc, does our theme music. Oh, man, it shows how way out of touch I am with the reality of the world. I thought it was just like some sort of lift music. You thought Dassolo just Googled gay on iTunes and piped that in. Hang on, Googled gay on iTunes. That is a man who's just discovered technology this afternoon.

My dad figured that out. Googled gay but not homophobe. It's a very small area. A touch of gay sans homophobe. Oh, you know what we want. Oh, no, I'm not going to talk about that. It's great to have you here, Fleety. Although, just when I explained the show and said that we'd talk for roughly 40 minutes,

I saw a cringe on your face that said to me, oh, in here for that long? Yeah, I've got really important things to do. Go home and I've got to pick up the age out in the forecourt where I tried to throw it through a basketball hoop. And I threw it up. There were two chunks of the age I had with me, which is a newspaper, those of you that read the Herald Sun. And I threw it up and both of them didn't go through the basketball hoop. And now I'm worried that someone's going to pick it up

before I go out there and get it on my way home to read on the Das Trum. Well, it's 10.30pm on a Sunday night and we're in a university. I don't think there's much chance of people coming past it. The urban youth today, they're going to stop turning over cars and go and see what's happening in the A2. Yeah, let's go see if we can steal two halves of a newspaper and a basketball. What if I get out there and it's got Banksy spray paint on it?

Yeah, yeah. All over your spread of sting. Yeah, exactly. There was actually an article in there today about, and I've forgotten her name, is it Jane Field? The woman from Glee. Jane Lynch? Yeah.

She's pretty cool. Yeah. She's pretty cool. She's hot. She's got a bit of heat at the moment. She's got a lot of heat at the moment, yeah. I reckon Sting. Sting is the most, when I first picked this up, I wish I had collected all the Sting articles

because I take great pride in looking at Sting articles in Sunday papers. You're like a Sting-a-phobe. Not Sting-a-phobe. You're an anti-Sting-a-phobe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're not a Sting-a-phobe. You're a Sting fanatic. I'm not stinging for Sting.

He's just the guy. He's the blandest guy that you can have in a spread in a Sunday paper, and they just pick him every time. I don't know why. Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo. So that's my little bit of sting. Was he, is he doing something at the moment? Because he was on A Current Affair or one of those shows at the end of last week.

He's doing something right now. He's having sex still. Yeah. He's done it for a long time. Started in 1983 and still going. Still going. He started, he started just when he broke up the police and he's still going on that route.

But it was still, it was one of those weird like things that they'll do on Today Tonight or A Current Affair where they just start talking to a musician and they're not plugging anything specific. It's one of those stories where it's just to remind people that they're out there and getting on with their lives. He's doing not the unplugged but the string, the thing when everyone gets to it once a day,

the string quartet. Sting goes string. Oh, yeah. He calls himself String then. String. String then. Yeah. String. String and the police. Yeah. I heard that he had an affair with a young, with an underage person.

He had an affair with an underage person. Just like that old man in that book by Nabokov. It's really smooth. Because that's a line of Sting. Oh, okay. Okay. He sings that in, I don't even know, don't stand so close to me,

don't something so close to me. Probably don't interfere with yourself so close to me. Dassolo was born in 2003, so he doesn't really get that reference. Just about. When did the black eyed peas cover it? Because then I'll be able to catch up. I was born in 86.

You were born in 86. Born in 86. I generally don't trust people You were born in 86. Born in 86. I generally don't trust people who were born after man landed on the moon, which probably makes me kind of awkward in this room. Is there a direct link between those two? Do you think that... Well, only because it's never been proved that man actually did land on the moon. I don't know.

Just because I'm old, I just kind of went, you know, I thought, okay, I was born in 62, so I went, okay, I'll give it seven years leeway. Oh, that's generous. And you were born in 86. It's the ones born after man landed on the moon that you really got to watch. Those are the people that will pinch that newspaper straight off that bus. Straight off.

Yeah, both halves. Both halves of the newspaper. Break into your public space and steal your newspaper off a basketball court. God. Throw on the ground. There's nothing sacred that people will steal your newspaper off a basketball court. God. Threw on the ground. There's nothing sacred that people will steal your litter. Yeah, but when you say people, you mean people born after... Yeah, yeah.

Space people. After the moon landings were faked, yeah. After Armstrong's creed. Yeah. After Armstrong fucked it up for everyone. Yeah. With his fancy golfing on the moon. I think they ruined it when they did that.

Why didn't they just get up there and play a bit of Aussie rules? Golf. You could do a talk forever. If you got onto it. If you got onto it. So, hang on. You're reading the article not about Sting. No, it was about...

Look, there's no material to go with this. I'm just saying I read it. You're just showing off. Unlike most comics, when I bring something up, it's not because I've got something funny to say about it. It's just because I'm interested in it. No, she's just really, I just find her really interesting. And I guess I like her because she'd been acting for like 30 years

before she really busted loose. Yeah, yeah. So that gives me faith. Hang on, who are we talking about? Oh, Jane Lynch. Jane Lynch, yeah. Jane Sting Lynch. Jane Sting Lynch. as she's called.

Jane Sting Lynch. She looks a bit like Sting. She does. With longer hair. And she likes the ladies like Sting does too. Oh, really? Yeah. She's married to a lady.

Big time. Well, the young, what's the brunette one? Whatever her name is. In the show. Yeah. I don't know. I don't follow it. Do you not follow it?

Okay. I don't like it. I like it. I actually quite like it. Well, the brunette. Let's talk all about TV. I've got some controversial things to say. I like it. I actually quite like it. Right. Well, the brunette... Let's talk all about TV. I've got some controversial things to say.

I'll say this. I'll say this. It just reminded me because the brunette one looks quite a bit like my girlfriend. And people say that about my girlfriend. How cocky is he talking about his girlfriend just because he's got one? My girlfriend that's not on TV but looks like she may be on TV. Well, that's the thing. It links with you because last time I did a gig with you,

she came along and she doesn't go to a lot of gigs, my girlfriend, because she's sick of it and sick of me. So she saw you emcee a gig and, you know, because it's nice to bring her along to people, you know, that she doesn't see over and over like us or whatever. But she saw you and saw some classic Fleet, and then she came home. Yeah, she came home, and she does a thing where something gets stuck in her head,

and she'll unconsciously just walk around and repeating stuff all the time. So she got one of your jokes in her head, and she constantly repeated it for like a week, and it was the bit where you say about Del Monte suits. Oh, cool. The bit where you say you say you know where the story unfolds where you i mean for the listeners for context do you do you mind i'll bust it out relying on it i don't think i won't bust it out do you want just the line or just the whole give us a lead up a little bit of context a little bit

of context all right look it's uh do you All right. There's two ways of doing it. There's a way of doing it where I talk about that I've had the job in the shop and so that, or there's the other way of talking about it, which is the truth. So basically I do this bit of material where I talk about working in a shop. And I'll tell you why I do this afterwards because actually the back story is better than the story. Okay. Okay, so I was thinking about when I worked in advertising and I talk about working with this horrible guy

and blah, blah, blah and working this, and, you know, that I had to end up writing this ad for Del Monte Suits. And the guy I worked for was, like, really racist and sexist and homophobic and horrible. He was a horrible guy. And I thought I'd have a bit of a joke with this ad. And he said, you have to write, you can do whatever you want.

And, yeah, suit ads are always boring. You know, they're always, like, guys pointing at stuff and all that sort of stuff. And he said, you can write whatever you want. And yeah, suit ads are always boring. They're always like guys pointing at stuff and all that sort of stuff. And he said, you can write whatever you want, but you just have to mention Del Monte suits for the man's man. And because I didn't like the guy, I thought I'd have a bit of a joke. So in mine, I wrote Del Monte suits for the man's man. Oh, not that kind of man's man.

And I thought it was a little bit amusing. Like certainly not hilarious. I just thought it was a bit amusing. And the guy, weirdly enough, took me to his office the next morning. You know, the completely irrational cock monkey that he was, took me into his office and went, you can't say that, you know, you can't write that, that's homophobic, you're homophobic.

And he's calling me homophobic, right, which I clearly wasn't, and certainly not compared to him, you know, who just hated everything. I found out later he was actually domestically violent as well, which makes him possibly quite good at rugby league. I don't know. But I found out, so he said I had to write another ad. And, you know, so I wrote another ad and submitted it, and they sacked me. And the whole story, the story behind this routine was I said,

and, you know, what I wrote, the new ad that I wrote was, Del Monte suits, hmm, they look good, like a faggot in a ditch. Which is, you know, like, hey, hilarious, because it's ironic. And so none of that is true, okay? I never had a job before working with that guy, blah, blah, blah, blah. But Lawrence Mooney and I were on tour once doing the Comedy Festival Roadshow, and we were in some small town. I think it might have been, where do they do, where do they have spas in Victoria? Dalesford?

It might have been Dalesford or somewhere like that. And we were up there and we suddenly got this idea that we were bored and we started doing this thing in the van called Right Wing Radio where we were just being as extremely right wing as we could and pretending to run a right wing radio station

and just going, we'll be back after this break. To answer the question, who were the worst drivers? Old people, drunks, or Asians? Or old pissed Asians? And stuff like that. It was just horrendous, right? And I just said off the top of my head, yeah, we'll be back after this break.

And now a word from our sponsors. Mmm, Del Monte suits. They look good. Like a faggot in a ditch. And we laughed so hard we were doing wee. And we were just going, can you imagine ever saying that in front of other people? And I then spent a year, maybe more than a year,

a year and a half, constructing a story that would justify... You got the gold and you worked back then. Yeah, absolutely. Just to justify saying faggot in a ditch in a way that wouldn justify... You got the gold and you worked back there. Yeah, absolutely. Just to justify saying faggot in a ditch in a way that wouldn't offend people and found a way to do it and it was really cool. This is it. Because she saw that

and then for a week without saying any, you know, without talking about it, she just walked around in our apartment going, like a faggot in a ditch, over and over. This is my girlfriend, and she's quite loud when she's at home. All the doors and windows are open, and she's turning into a song. She's like, like a faggot in a ditch.

There's a school across from your house, isn't there? A young gay school where they let gay people know it's not wrong to be gay, and then she's over there going, like a faggot in a ditch, ruining their life. She's actually gleeing it up like her character look-alike. Like a faggot in a ditch. Oh, now you've got me thinking about the song. Just like a faggot in a ditch.

Or the musical version. Yeah, yeah. Because glee love that. Glee love taking things and reinterpreting it. Maybe there can be the Glee Greek fleet episode. Like a puppet on a string. Yeah. But then it evolved.

So I just let it go, and I'm like, oh, that's funny that she's walking around saying that. That's just funny. I won't say anything. But then she just zoned out and just started making variations up without really. She's having a moment. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's giving you toppers. It turned into, by the end of the week, she was walking around,

and I was laughing my head off. She was walking around, not thinking, just going, like a chicken in a haystack. And I pulled her up, and I'm like, okay, I've got to say something. Do you know what you're saying? Oh, yeah, all right. And then it just turned into, like a faggot in a haystack, like a faggot on a chicken.

Like a chicken in a ditch. That's great. Well, I brought my girlfriend along to see you to a gig. Oh, you've got a girlfriend too. This is a recent girlfriend who hadn't been. We got them because of the podcast. How long do I have to sit here without a girlfriend? Well, I mean, I brought her along to a gig and it was the first time she'd been to a

comedy gig and it was you. It was the first night of Felix Barr Comedy, the room that Carl runs. Yeah, in St. Calder. I went along to support and brought her along and you were headlining and I'd lent her your book and she'd just started, tie-dye, and she'd just started reading it. your book and she just started tie dye and she just started reading it and then that night she saw you do a routine that I believe

has not been performed prior or since that involves you having intercourse with another man it was the first truly expansive I think I've mentioned it on stage before that was the first truly

expansive version but I think I've mentioned it on stage before. That was the first truly expansive version. But I think I might do that in my festival show this year because it went so well. Yeah, it was great. It was very funny. It was just something I did. Now, for those of you who don't know, I won't go into the story because this is where you have to come out and see a gig.

So the next time Carl Chandler's doing a gig, if you come along and request my having sex with a man material, I'll bust that stuff out. I'll bring my girlfriend along just to see what it turns into when we get home. No way. I'm not having you bring your girlfriend because any love she had for me,

she'll now think I'm gay. But, yeah, it's just this thing where I... You did have sex with a guy on a haystack. It was on a haystack. So she'll love it. On a haystack balanced on a chicken, which was in a ditch. She's got nowhere to go then.

Yeah, I know. But, yeah, it was a weird story. But Dave Thornton is obsessed with it. Dave Thornton was telling me that he's been telling his friends, you know, everywhere he goes he's been telling his friends about things. And especially the bit, which I quite like this bit. And it's really out of context, so please don't get upset about this. But where I say that after I had sex with this man,

I got really drunk and stoned and had sex with this man once, which was okay. It wasn't a mistake, but it's not a life choice that I've made since then. But at one point in the routine, I said off the top of my head, and the next time I had sex with a woman, I just fucked her really hard to try and fuck all the gay out of me, which I actually think is funny. Just the object of someone trying to fuck the gayness off themselves.

Well, I've got an even better object for you. My favourite line from you doing it that night was saying you had fucked the guy so hard that his poo was threatening to take you to court. What? Did I say that? You said that out loud. Oh, my God. You said that out loud to a room full of people.

Oh, no. Which I don't think is true. Just for the record, his poo didn't come to life and press charges. There was no court. There was no fecal court action taken. There's no court in this land that could convict you of that, to be fair. No. And trust me, it was a welcome intrusion that I made. Well, because I'd heard that story about three years ago

from friends of the show, Harley Breen and Sam Simmons. And they told it to me. But you know when a story like this gets passed down, you hear it and you know that, you know, you believe that it's true, but you accept that there's a certain level of embellishment that has gone. So I heard and thought it was quite funny, and for years I held on to it going, there's probably little bits of sizzle that they've chucked in, and then you told them that night.

The poo probably didn't take him to court. Or he was threatened to. You busted it out that night, and I remember you'd get to a certain point where I remember them telling me a bit, I'm like, this bit probably didn't happen, and then you'd bust it out, and I'd go, it's all verbatim. Like, how do you, what would you add to that? Well, it was a pretty weird story.

And, yeah, I have told a couple of people about it, but I'll probably put it in the show because it does seem to amuse people because it's one of those things, you know, when you hear the actual story, it's just one of those things, it wasn't something I had planned and it just, you know, it's one of those things where if you're just too polite to sort of say no to someone, you end up having sex with a man. It was

pretty funny. Well, you can save it for your show or your own podcast you're telling us you're thinking about launching. I'd love to do it. Basically in here to learn the ropes. You're like the work experience kid this evening. I am, but I'm like the work experience kid who turns out to be Donald Trump who takes over the company.

Well, one thing you'll have to acclimatise yourself with is reviews because we're on iTunes. People leave us reviews. Oh, really? And, you know, pretty much everyone's been very nice so far. People like the show. But I got on there today, Carl, and I discovered there's a new review on there that I had not seen.

So, you know, it started off, very funny show, love it, keep up the good work. Right. At first, this is, and this is verbatim, this is the review. You didn't use the word however, did it? Hmm? You didn't use the word however, because that's always where it turns. Yeah, no, no. That's one of my best shows.

I love it. I love the people, however. No, it's good about the show. Okay, it goes on to say, at first I thought Tommy was a lesbian. But then I worked it out and now I'm good. So it's like it was causing this person some kind of inner turmoil. What's Chandler doing gabbing on with KD Lang over there? Because every time I've been on a radio station, I've, without fail,

like I've been on Triple J to do interviews a couple of times, not to brag, but that's just the kind of guy I am, that's how I roll. They'll always, without fail, at least three texts will come in the text line going, who is this chick that you're talking to? You were at Spleen a couple of weeks ago and someone said, and I didn't say this to you, but someone said to me, someone said to me, someone walked up to the back room and went, who's this chick on at the moment? Oh, what the... Oh, man.

I used to get... And you even had your dick out of that stage, which is weird. That's weird. I used to get, when I lived with my parents, I used to get people call up the home phone and ask me if my husband was home. Oh, man. That sucks enormous, Paul. Yeah.

But, yeah, I've seen you. I've seen you rocking all over the world. I've seen you in Edinburgh. You've seen me... Yeah, yeah. I've seen you rocking... We were in Edinburgh together. Over there, Edinburgh. You've seen me. Yeah, yeah. I've seen you rocking all over the world. We were in Edinburgh together. They didn't go, okay, who's this?

Who's this lady? Who's the wee lassie? Yeah. Who's the wee lassie I brought with you? I've got to sort out my feminine voice. It's killing me. I don't reckon it's that feminine. I reckon it would be, if you were a lesbian, you'd be quite a macho lesbian.

What a compliment. You'd be one of the tough lesbians. Yeah, don't worry. You'd be a really blokey lesbian. What a compliment. You'd be one of the tough lesbians. Yeah, don't worry. You'd be a really blokey lesbian. I'm not saying you're like a girly lesbian. That's super gay. Over iTunes.

You've got a lot of stories about being yelled at in the street. I do. I had a good one the other day. I was walking past the shops and there were some young girls out the front and they said, can you go in there and can you go into the shops and buy some cigarettes? And I was like, oh, look, no, I'm in a rush. I'm not going to.

No, sorry. And then as I walked off, they yelled out after me, oh, yeah, well, yeah, we've already got them. That was like their big fuck you. That's just blown my mind. That made me go, fuck, maybe I should go back and get them for them. But they've already got them. What do I do?

That's a physical, real-life gotcha call. Yeah, yeah. Oh, sucked in, man. We didn't even want them because we had smoke coming up, right? Yeah, yeah. That's great. I heard a couple, like an American couple in Edinburgh, and they were like punters who'd been to a show,

and they were like middle-aged men and wife, I imagine, or men and women, anyway, walking down the street and all I heard of their conversation was one turned around and the other one went, I don't care what anybody says, deaf actors do not grow on trees. What was the rest of that conversation? Yeah, correct. I don't care what they say,

poos cannot take people to court. You've never met Greg Fleet. So, Fleetie, for the couple of people out there listening who aren't familiar with your work, give us a lowdown of what the Fleet Man's all about. Well, it's hard to say because in the last couple of years, I've sort of been, I haven't done that much live. So I've still done festivals and things like that and done gigs around town. In fact, I kind of, in the moment, in the moment,

I pretty much only work for Carl in Melbourne. I don't really, it's an exclusive relationship. But in the last year and a half or two years, I've spent a lot of time writing this TV show. Yes. Which is now finished and they're... Well, when I say finished, finished filming. Well, this is awkward because you told me

I was going to have a role. In the next series. Waiting by the phone. No, that's in series two. Oh, OK. OK. Oh, man. My character hasn't been born yet. No, that's in series two. Oh, okay. Okay. God, man. My character hasn't been born yet.

No, it's been written, though. I actually have, bizarrely enough, I actually have got a character in mind. I've got a character in mind for you. We could just ask Jane Lynch first. She doesn't want to... You're the next lesbian on the line. Next lesbian on the line.

I know, it's the guy you meet in Dalesville. Yeah, that's the one. And you have to be prepared to act like something inside you wants to take me to court. You have to go through a bit of De Niro prepping for the role. Is it a bit of Ace Ventura talking out of his ass, like I bend over and go, objection! But basically it's a series that will probably be out,

I reckon, it'll be finished editing in about a month or so, and I reckon it'll be on air probably towards the end of the year. Yep. And it's about comedians. It's a nine-part series about primarily about five comedians who are friends, and then there's obviously other people involved and all that sort of stuff. And most of the people in it are comedians.

There's a few straight actors in it. It's a hell of a cast. Yeah, it's a good cast. Adam Hills. Adam Hills, Corinne Grant, Alan Brough, Gatesy from Tripod, me, me. Del Monte suits. Yeah, Del Monte suits, like a great fleet in a ditch. But then there's a lot of just cool actors in it,

like Bill Hunter's in it, and I've always maintained Bill Hunter has to be in everything ever made in Australia. And Alex Pabst plays himself in a scene in New York. He plays himself, which is really funny. How did he get time off McDonald's? It's very... We just asked, and the clown said yes.

So we had to give Ronald McDonald a role as well, but perhaps he's very funny and also just odd people like, as I said, Bill Hunter and Dave Graney. Oh, yeah. So there's some odd cool people in it. It's great. I'm amazed at how it looks. The bits I've seen, and I've seen most of it, I'm astounded at how it looks. There's great music in it. It's great. I'm amazed at how it looks. The bits I've seen, and I've seen most of it,

I'm astounded at how it looks. There's great music in it. We've used really cool Australian bands and stuff like that. It looks like a movie. There will be a second series, and I'm sure if the two of you pay me enough money,

there'll be something in there for you. What if the little Dum Dum Club have a cameo? That'd be great. Well, that's actually, bizarrely enough, I reckon I could pretty much guarantee that to happen if we do a second series. That would be a great one. Oh, scoop.

Awesome. Scoop. One of the characters. Get Hilsey in here as a... And Hilsey obviously doesn't play Hilsey, but get someone in for an interview that's a great idea

in fact you could interview most of the cast if you wanted to you'd be in virtually every episode coin yourselves up

well if you need some gay theme music we've got it here at Spades if you want to license our theme music from us which we don't

pay for you're more than welcome one of the weird things about this show is it's like I've done lots of, you know, interviews and comedy interviews on radio and stuff, and usually what happens is, you know, you go along and they go,

okay, so look, you know, we're talking to Greg Fleetwood back after this song, and it's usually when it builds up to a peak. And we've built up to quite a few peaks, and then I realise we have to keep going. We need to keep going, yeah. It's kind of odd. I keep thinking I'm going to be able to go outside and smoke a cigarette. No, no. You're here for the long haul.

But this is what it's all about. You're trying to learn to do your own one. Yep. This is it. Absolutely. I hope there's not too many smoke breaks in your podcast. But you could do it, couldn't you? Because it's not live.

No. So you could just stop and have a little break and then come back. We could, but we're not going to. No, I'm just suggesting that. What about that? Having a durry with Greg Flea. Oh, nice. Durry cast with Flea Dean.

Suck one of these. I'm doing a show about giving up smoking during the festival. Really? At Blue Diamond. You know that place? Yeah. And I haven't written it yet or even thought about it or given up smoking. I've got a smoking. You know,

I've got a couple of months. You know, that'll be cool. Hey, I want to bring up a television ad that has, that has...

Oh, it's just like a what cheeses me off. It is a little bit, yeah. Can I just point out there's only three minutes until technically

I'm allowed to have a cigarette? Oh, really? Didn't we start at ten? Uh, we've been going for 40 minutes at this point. Yeah,

it wasn't little 40 minute show No we talked for an hour And then we cut it down Oh man That says to me That you've just been Obsessively watching the clock I haven't

I just looked up And went oh sweet How good was this It just went so fast It was so great Now I know It's just lies Lies

Come on Come on We'll power through I'm fine with it A television ad You get to you Go and check on your paper In a minute I'm fine with it. A television ad that is... You get to you. You go and check on your paper in a minute.

Yeah. I'm not worried about the newspaper out there on the basketball court. Two halves. You know, someone will steal one of them. You haven't read Leaping Larry L's section in the Sport News. I haven't, actually. Yeah. He used to be a radio comedian. Did he really?

He used to be in... I can't remember what the group was called, but they were a very funny triple... I think they went to Triple J group of- Oh, yeah, yeah. It was like a law thing. Was it a law-based thing or something like that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Leaping Larry O was part of that deal.

Is that the paper that you've got? Is that one of the ones that has in the back the, oh, some celebrity, oh, the five things I can't live without. Yeah, in the back. My golf, my surfboard. I think there was one of those- My copy of The Princess Bride. No, you know the one I read on the way,

we had Hilsey, a friend of my show. I don't know if she's a friend of yours. If you want him to come on, I could ask him. He's a friend of all of our shows. He did one of those five photos and five things in there. I'm so self-obsessed. There was part of me when I saw this, I thought, what if one of the photos was with me?

Honestly, I do that all the time. Every time I see anyone that I know doing an interview, you know, they might be publicising a show they've got coming up, or a film or something. I actually believe somewhere in my distorted head that they're going to find time in their interview, which is about them, they're going to find time to

talk about me, and it rarely happens to my friends, believe me. Is that why you're bussing to get back to that newspaper, just to check every article? Yeah, there might be somewhere in there. I might be in this odd spot. Yeah, because I just figured that Jane Field, what's her name? Lynch. Jane Lynch, being a lesbian, might know that I'm friends with Tommy.

Yeah, we talk all the time at the meetings. Yeah, yeah. Because she'll know that you're a lesbian and she might mention something about you. She might have seen Tommy at the club. Yeah, and also she might have heard about my stand-up and know that I'm technically gay. Yeah. Yeah.

So, you know, it could all work. Yeah. Well, what is it called? Seven Degrees of Fleety. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, so what I wanted to talk about,

I wanted to talk about this ad that has cheesed me off, so to speak. Okay. It's the work cover ads that they've got on at the moment, and the whole thing is... I so thought you were going to say Home Hardware. I was going to start. People were going to get hit. So you're...

Just to deviate. I like that. We're going to get back to this. Yeah, we'll get back to... I'm the yellow dog. We'll get back to KD. Yeah, you're the yellow dog. So who's the other dog?

It's Vic Plume. Vic Plume. Yeah. Comedian, one-time comedian, who's currently, he's sort of always doing like a 12-step program to stop doing comedy. Really? What does that mean? He's doing a real 12-step, but he's just going, he was joking the other day saying,

I'm trying to not do gigs at the moment, and it's just one day at a time. I've never heard of him doing a gig. Well, he used to do them probably around the time you started. Right. How do you know of him then? How do you know his name? Well, you just said it then. Oh, okay.

No, you said it. No, no, no, I said it. I know him from Full Frontal. Right. Oh, was he in Full Frontal? He was in Full Frontal, wasn't he? Yeah. I don't know.

Okay, yeah. He's a good actor. He's got a great voice, obviously. That's why he's a dog. Home hardware commercial with me. Do you still record them? Are they still going? I did one on Friday.

Oh, right. Great. I love that they stick with you, that they're thinking somewhere out there is going, hang on, that's not the yellow dog. Yeah, and the dogs haven't become CGI and they've got chewed like they were in fucking sunnies and riding surfboards and

doing crazy shit. It's done by two guys in Adelaide who do the claymation and they also do ones for schmackos or something.

They must be good at claymation dogs. They must be looking at Wallace and Gromit going fuck if we could get in on that

run we've got to make our dreams come true. If that Wallace was a dog it would be so much better. Do you look at Wallace and Gromit and go I could that run could make our dreams come true. If that Wallace was a dog, it would be so much better. But they do. Do you look at Wallace and Gromit and go, I could voice that?

I could voice that. I don't say it like that. I go, yeah, I could voice that. Do it in that voice. Like a Gromit in a ditch. Gromit doesn't talk, but if he ever does, the Fleetman's phone's going to ring. Weirdly enough, there used to be other guys who did the voices of these dogs, and Vic Plume and I have been doing them for something like seven years.

I asked the other day, and I went, how long have we done this? He said seven years, and I said, this is such a slack gig. And they still haven't let you go out and have a cigarette in those whole seven years that you've been doing it? I have actually gone out in the middle of a session. I've actually done a bit of a Ben Mendelsohn and just gone, I'm going out for a smoke. But they told me that at one stage when the other guys used to do the voices of these dogs that my dog, because I've always said to people that if the company got into

real trouble and they had to lose one of the dogs, it would be my one, the yellow one. Because the yellow one doesn't do, he's just like the dumb one. The other one says all the information. But they said to me that about five years ago, or no, it must have been more because we've been here for seven, so like ten years ago there was a two or three year period where my dog didn't speak.

Right. It went silent. And so, you know, I've got to live with that pressure. If I do anything wrong, they'll go back to silent for the yellow dog. They rip his voice box out in front of you. They literally come round to your house with the clay model and just slice its throat in front of you. Now they've got another dog to tear it out.

Has it got a name? Yeah, Rusty and Sandy. I'm Sandy because I'm yellow and he's Rusty because he's got a rust colour. That makes sense. Could he go solo? I don't reckon I could. He probably could. Okay.

Couldn't be like John Laws or whatever where he changed from Mortine to whatever. Oh, yeah. You couldn't go to Bunnings. I could. Yeah. I could. I could get one of the guys because there's two guys who do the claymations. Why don't you have a fight with your mate?

And they'd split the dogs. Yeah. And I'd get whoever got the yellow dog and go, let's go across to Bunnings and do it. And it would be like, I could then be there going, oh, my God, you wouldn't believe it. I had to act really dumb when I was at home hardware. I'm a really smart dog. This is the best hardware for sure. Or you just kind of deal with the claymation dudes for schmackos.

Yeah. Your dog could suddenly get adopted by some rich woman who's always giving him little treats. And then everyone would just go, Greg Fleets back on the schmackos. Now, how did we start this conversation? Work cover. Yeah, work cover.

Get back to the lesbian boring story. How good am I at driving your show? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We needed this from the work experience, kid. I'm looking at the clock. I know. I don't think you're just looking off to the side of Carl's head. Off and up a bit.

No, I'm happy. Yeah, this work cover ad, right? So the set up, you've probably seen them. There's a bunch of them, and it's someone about to do something horrendously dangerous. Oh, the cracky bone one? No, it's something bad is about to happen and then someone's family kind of invariably turns up, right?

And the ad will say something like, there's a bigger reason for why you should be careful at work. And the implication is, you know, you think about your family. The bigger reason that you should be careful at work is because of your family. My ex-girlfriend's in one of those. Really? And it's one with a woman and her child at home, and she's looking at the clock.

She wants to go for a cigarette. She's looking at the clock, and then she's looking at her daughter, and she's getting really stressed. She's actually quite good at it. It's like a really emotional ad. And then he comes home. Yeah. And it's like, oh, thank God. Yeah.

It was just late. It was just late. Yeah, it's those ones. And it's like, oh, thank God. He was just late. He was just late. It's those ones. It's those ones, right? And the whole thing is it's like they're informing people, hey, you know the reason that you shouldn't die at work? It's because of your family. It's because of your family.

Who's not already thinking that? Like who is falling into the meat grinder and their last thought is, jeez, it's going to be hard for them to find someone to fill for me tomorrow. Like who's worried about the company? Someone's trying to put a helmet on someone and he's going, but hard for them to find someone to fill for me tomorrow. Who's worried about the company? Someone's trying to put a helmet on someone and he's going, but what's my motivation? Yeah, yeah. It's such a weird, like who doesn't already think that?

You're not informing people. No one's confused on it. That ad annoys me to the same level that this other ad. This is from ages ago. This was when the second season of Rush was about to be on TV. Yeah, yeah. And this is so out of date, but it just annoyed me so much that it kind of ties in.

It was an ad, right? You know how Channel 10 will sort of do that thing where their ads for a show come out, they just lift a scene out of an episode and just play that. And so the scene was cops chasing a bad guy through the streets of Melbourne, cutting off traffic and shit. Suddenly, they're fucking busting through a gate.

They're at the airport chasing a fucking bandit down the runway as a plane takes off in front of them, and then it has the audacity to cut to the titles and go rush from the streets of Melbourne. You're like, when has that ever happened in Melbourne? I'm sorry, I don't remember seeing that headline, Banditos in high-speed Tullamarine runway chase. That's not technically a street, the runway.

Yeah, exactly. No one lives on that. From the runways of Melbourne. Yeah. But I think I'm going to write something. Apparently I'm going to write something for Scrivener's Fancy, which is their Tony Martin's website. I've written for that.

Have you? Wow. Yeah. Don't mean to brag why did you go you said like well like it hadn't really happened

yeah well I don't mean to boast because I know Tommy Daslow hasn't written anything for it so I've only come right because he's a lesbian

you know why he hasn't got his pen licence yet he's only four yep my daughter's about to get her pen licence apparently I didn't know anything about this but apparently when you're at primary school you get a pen licence.

I went to a proper school, so I don't know anything about the government system. You're fast-tracked. With a private school you get the old borrow as soon as you walk in at age four. Absolutely. We had a chapter right for us. Silver spoon. We were all given a chap, and I'd say to him, Rumbo, write me this thing, and he'd write it.

I don't know why his name was Rumbo. I remember around the time of pen licences at school, I don't know if these even still exist, if your daughter would be having to use them, for the retarded kids, brackets me, that little, if you couldn't hold the pen properly, that little rubber grip that they put on it, it was like the really hard triangle thing that would make you hold it properly.

And it was just the most, like now I wouldn't give a shit, but it was like at the time just the most degrading thing because it was like bright yellow. So at any time you cast your eyes around the room, you could go spastic, spastic, spastic, spastic. These days it would be the same thing if it was like, you know, sort of you'd been doing comedy for a number of years and your friends were all getting paid spots and it was like open spot, open spot. You were still on an open spot.

You couldn't like go, oh, I've got the weird yellow triangle on my hand. On my life. You're still doing Tuesday nights at the Comics Lounge and that's it. Yeah. Didn't they dangle that? I remember at school they dangled the pen licence over you. Like it was conceivably something that you couldn't

like that you might not get like you might fail at getting it oh really ever I remember there being this thing like you're never going to be

allowed to write if you don't get this like can I get a pen instructor or something like there's this old Greek man who comes to my house and sits next to me

and takes me on some practice essays and they end up making it feel like shine all about it or all of a sudden you're in class one day and you break out the barrow and you're just doing it and someone comes, ooh, ooh, hang on a minute, hang on a minute, pull over and you've got a buddy.

Licensed registration, please. Please write her. Get breathalyzed. You've had too much apple juice. You're not allowed to write about your weekend. I remember we had to keep a little diary in school, a little journal like we'd come in on monday and you'd have to write what you'd done on the weekend and um my parents got called up because i think the first no the first time i wrote everyone else had written you know i went to grandma and

grandpa's house and we had lasagna for dinner my first entry was literally just on the weekend we got some bread it was my whole entry. And the school I got and my parents were like, hey, do you keep your – just level with us. Do you keep your kid locked in a basement? Because it's sort of sounding like he's not getting much stimulation. We're worried about the carbs. We're worried about the carbs. Yeah.

What's the name of this show? Again, I've forgotten. I don't care. Our show? Yeah. The Little Dum Dum Club. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Greg Fleet speaking. When I'm in Melbourne and I'm not pretending to be a yellow dog

or telling people about how I've had sex with a man, I like to listen to The Little Dum Dum Club. So should you. Oh, that's sweet for the promo that we will use on nothing. Fuck yeah. That to me is a man who's watching the second hand, counting down the clock like it's the first day before school holidays. You started running the credits yourself.

I'm signing off. Signing off. He didn't even ever ask me if I could stick around and do a promo. That's what I always do on commercial. Hey, can you stick around later and do a promo? I've already done that. I've got the cigarette lit. I'm ready to... No, no. I'm what I always do on commercial. Hey, can you stick around later and do a promo? I've already done that. I've got the cigarette lit already. No, no.

I'm happy to do whatever you want. Well, look, folks, we are drawing to the end of the program. I think that'll just about do it for another week. Let's give a quick plug. Greg Fleet, what have you got coming up? You've got the comedy festival. You've got Adelaide. What's the name of your show?

Adelaide. Well, I'm doing a show called Big Love, which I've done before with Mick Moriarty, which is a great show, and I'd like to get both of you on as guests. We'd love to. And it's just basically a show where we get guests, and everyone does little bits. Mick Moriarty is a great musician from the Gadflies. He does music. He's also done the music for the TV show we've got coming out. Oh, is he?

Yeah, we get guests, and people all sit on stage. So, you know, you do your spot, then you sit down on stage, and so eventually the stage fills up with comics, and at the end we have a chat about something, and it's just a really fun, great show, and there's no heckling in it. It's all about the love. It's a great audience. So Greg Fleets' big love. Yep.

At the Comedy Festival, you're doing Adelaide as well? Yeah, doing it. Same show in Adelaide? Same show in Adelaide, yeah. And also, we should put this, Carl and I are both doing the Comedy Festival as well. Yeah. So come and check that out. What the hell are you doing and I are both doing the Comedy Festival as well. Yeah. So come and check that out. What the hell are you doing?

We're both doing solo stand-up shows. Nice. My tickets are on sale, Carl's aren't. Mine aren't. Why not? I don't know. They're just not. That's weird.

But they will be soon, I'm sure. They will be, I'm sure. Tommy Daslow's, what's your show? Buck Wild. Buck Wild. Buck Wild. Buck Wild, that's a great name for a show. Thank you.

And Carl Chandler. Carl Chandler, jokes in 140 characters. Yeah. In fact, that's worth mentioning that we've mentioned the Comedy Festival much on this show. I think pretty much everyone who we've had on past guests will be doing shows. So, you know, if you like the show, get on board, get yourself a ticket. I'm also doing another show, that one that I told

you about, about not smoking at the Blue Diamond. Sounds like a great show about not writing. Yeah. It could be about not everything. It's going to be great. And also, keep an eye out for the TV show Die on Your Feet.

ABC? Yeah, ABC, I think Die on Your Feet. End of the year. I don't know. Yeah, probably by then. Greg Fleet, thanks so much for coming in.

Thanks for having me. It's been a pleasure having you. You've earned your cigarette. Oh, I need it. Thanks everyone for listening.

We'll see you next time. See you, mate. See you, mate. Bye, mates.