The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 161 - Fiona O'Loughlin & Joel Creasey

Episode Date: November 5, 2013

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Hey mates, welcome once again to the Little Dumb Dumb Club. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo and sitting next to me is the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day dickhead. Hey, just to follow up on something very quickly from last week. We've talked a lot on the show about how your telephone number is out there. Yeah, however it got out there, I can't remember. Oh, no, you put it out there.

I gave it out. I read it out on one episode that people can find if they look. And last week, I mentioned that if you do some internet detective work, you can find my phone number quite easily. All right. And I did this thinking that no one's going to find it. Dial a fuckhead. You just have to Google that. How wrong I was because I'm now, I'm getting a bit of a glimpse into your world because

I've gotten a couple of texts from people saying, I found it. Do I win? And then this morning, like an hour before I came here, I got a phone call, like a number came up that was just like heaps of numbers. And I was like, I forgot that I'd done all that. So I was like, oh, I'd better, I wonder what this is. And I go, hello. And the voice on the other end goes, hello, Tommy,

you said to look for your number on the internet and I found it. So I thought I'd give you a call. So hello from London, England. So then I go. Has your manager now got your number now that you've put that out there? He had a search for it or? No, he's still waiting to get the internet connected. So then I talked to this guy for a little bit and then I said,

oh, I'm actually about to go and do an episode. Is there anything you'd like me to bring up or to, you know, any message that you'd like to give to the listeners? And he says, oh, well, interesting story. I actually got onto your podcast through my mum. I'm like, okay. He said, yeah, my mum put me onto your podcast. No?

Yeah. Mrs. Marron. Yeah. So, yeah, that's kind of a weird parental relationship, isn't it? Yeah. Imagine your mum listening to this. Is that a bit of instead of reading a story tale before bed, it's just like, just lie down in bed and I'll just whack an iPod on.

Yeah. You can listen to a podcast. It's the mum recites like things that happen. Oh, right. And then the little one with the girl's voice got called a dickhead. Oh, it was great. So, yeah. So, so far I think I've only had three people hit me up.

Since I've been complaining about it, I've been getting some very nice ones from people actually saying, oh, thanks for putting all that free content out there. And, you know, it's been really, really good for you. Well, because you said the first ones that you got immediately were like hanging shit on you. The first one I got was, hey, Tommy, top episode this week. So, yeah, that's nice. So, keep hunting. You know, you've got to work for my phone number.

So, instead of reviews on iTunes anymore on Facebook, just ring us up. Yeah, cut out the middleman. Yeah, especially if you're overseas. Just give us a call. Spend your money on having a seven minute talk with me while my girlfriend looks at me and goes who the fuck are you talking to yeah yeah that's what i'm doing yeah i i stopped business calls because there's this weird number i don't know i'm like i better take this and then it's like sorry yeah i'll talk to you about that gig in a minute hello

i'm a fuckhead cool all right see ya see ya yeah i'll come to dubai and visit you sometime because this morning i was like Ah plus 4.4 Is that Tasmania Where's that from Maybe it's a gig down there You have the STD pips Yeah No I wish it did though

Hey let's bring our guests in Very excited about Having these two on the show First time guest Into the Little Dumb Dumb Club Who you will know From this week live And a league of their own

Please welcome Into the Little Dumb Dumb Club Joel Creasy. Yay! Privileged to be here. You are just about to jet off to New York, so we're very thankful you can squeeze this in. I am a high flyer and I love this beautiful tablecloth

that you've picked out just for me. Oh, I forgot I had a gay man in my house. I really should have done a lot more. It's weird because it's a large, it's kind of a weird pattern because it's a large tablecloth that has across it maybe like three roses dotted. Like it's not quite a pattern. Yeah, there's a couple of petals.

And also making a return to the podcast, the first lady of Australian comedy, please welcome back into Little Dum Dum Club, Fiona O'Loughlin. Oh, that is a kind thing to say. Isn't it? Did I invent that? Because Joel, I said that about you once and then Joel said,

oh, I've been using what you said, the first lady of Australian comedy. Did I invent it? Yeah, I haven't pissed any of the other girls off at all. Plant the flag. Plant the flag in it. You've got to. I'm going to work on who the second lady is. Will that be a compliment to them?

No, but I want to have a go at it. I'm not going to say her name because I'm going to work on who the second lady is Will that be a compliment to them? I want to have a go I'm not going to say her name because I'm gutless But it's a comedian And She said Once at a forum for female comics Because we have forums We need them because chicks aren't that funny

For our young listeners This isn't an internet forum. This is one of those real-life forums. A real-life forum where you turn up at a hall. We have them as well, the men's forum. The male comedians forum. It's just a circle jerk. We're actually jerking each other off.

But anyway, I'm sure yours is the same. And she just said to everyone, because she was giving an address, and she said to everyone that it's disgraceful women who, female comics, who title themselves the queen of, and it's got to be stopped. That was clearly, would you reckon that was a deed? Well, it was on my poster. Right behind her head. In Trades Hall where the forum was. There's a lot of political stuff going on here.

That's right. You know, I'm going to start calling myself the king of Australian comedy. No, I was about to say, I'm going to label myself the first boy of Australian comedy. The first boy there is. The best boy. The best boy. The best boy of Australian comedy. The gaffer of Australian comedy.

Have you taken... I'm going to muddle it up though now just purposely so she doesn't know who it is I'm talking about. She is dead now. She definitely won't know now that she's dead. She's dead, yeah. I think she's dead. Her career's dead.

She was dying when I last saw her. So you were in the room when this dig happened? Yeah, I was sitting right there at the forum. So gutsy. She could be dead now because you're like the queen off with her head. See you, mate. Now, I want to say

last time you were on here, Fiona, we didn't talk, and I nearly literally kicked myself once you walked out, that we didn't talk about the fact you're on Celebrity Apprentice. I cannot believe we didn't talk about that last time. Oh. Yeah, that was... Because if you're going to be like that about people that just slightly snarked you at a forum, what did you think of all the freaks that were on that just slightly snarked you at a forum what did you think of all the freaks

that were on that show well i didn't have to think about anything for long because i was booted off 45 minutes after i got there like i love julia morris right and she's a really good friend of mine but my career is the opposite of hers like Like everything Julia wins, I lose. Right. Right. Because she won it the year before you, didn't she? Yeah. And, you know, anyway. And so I was, but I couldn't, I was so glad to go

because I couldn't keep a straight face and because they were all taking it so seriously. And even when the cameras weren't rolling, they were still all calling him Mr. Boris. And I was just like, but this isn't really a boardroom like there's no files in that cabinet and then i love his assistant that looks like a big cat you know the woman that way yeah yeah she just looks she's pairing the whole time and oh she's a man yeah and what about the son like who looks really like stern and i think he's, a bit simple and he goes, you know,

backstage and plays on his Xbox. Mum dresses him in the suit in the mornings. So, because I'm just looking at the list of people that you had on there. So, you had David Hasselhoff, Tanya Zayeta, Paddy Newton, Jason Ackermanis. Do you start to go, why was I asked on in that company? Is that a compliment to be asked on that show? I don't know how you'd read it.

It's kind of like you're either on your way up or on your way down. I'd have to say I'm probably on my way down. No. Me and Patty, you know. Close the door behind you. I didn't know how to take it I just wanted the cash Sure

Because that's the thing They don't actually pay you in cash What do they pay you in? It goes through the bank And your manager Just to clear that up The TV shows Don't have like one of those

Scrooge McDuck Dollar sign bags You don't get to go for a swim In his money pool At the end of the show. But what was I going to do? I think I might have had a small stroke earlier on today. Oh, right.

Or a little trans ischemic bleed. So, yeah, I've got a very short attention. I've forgotten what we were talking about. Here's something I'd be interested to know. This might be – I was going to say something. Celebrity Apprentice. Oh, something I'd be interested to know. This might be... I was going to say something though. Celebrity Apprentice.

Oh, yeah, Celebrity Apprentice. The funniest was me talking to David Hasselhoff. I went up and talked to him and he didn't understand what was happening because... In general or the show or what? No, he didn't understand why I'm not young or hot oh anymore but like so he didn't he couldn't understand why a middle aged woman yet we were invisible to him oh right right he was just like i think he thought i was some kind of assistant oh really the only thing that the only women that really interact with him and that he would interact with back,

you know, have norks and blonde hair. Right. He had a 12-year-old girlfriend with him. Yeah. That's exaggerating, but she was very young and he is creepy. It was like Mickey Mouse was in the room. I wanted to poke him. So you didn't have much to do with him? No, I actually had a fight with him.

Oh. Just a little bit. Which was on air. Didn't you see that? No. Yeah, because I was, like, I'm really lazy and they actually do make you work. Like, we had to wash dogs. Right.

And it was hot and I hate the heat. And I was washing these fucking dogs as a, you know, it was a challenge. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come to our dog wash or. It's a bit of a weird, because the times that I've seen it it's always like okay well we've got a car wash and then it's like instead of making like a good car wash it's just like it just seems like people just get on the phone and go hey wobsy can you bring your mates down and we'll do a car wash and it's like is that really a good businessman or just like just like a real apprenticeship yeah yeah is that

really what you're doing as a businessman just ringing mates up going can you come and bring all your family down and we'll scrub your decals it was it was so unfair because like he's the most famous like he's actually the most famous man in the world like that's a statistical truth hasn't i'm not sure that is yeah no if that's true the most well-recognised celebrity. Oh, that show, I think that was a big stat that Baywatch was the most watched show around the world. It was in the most countries. Oh, okay, that's what it was.

It was in the most countries. But quick tip to David, if you're listening to this, they weren't watching you, so... Yeah. Yeah. Well, remember, Tanya Zayeta was on an episode of Baywatch. Oh, that's right. Which she brought up.

So, he's blown in and, of course, you know, we're up against David Hasselhoff, which was like – and so I was really hot and bothered. Yeah. And I was kind of really cranky and in a bad mood. And I just thought, fuck this. And I just thought, I'm going to go and challenge him. And I said, do you like playing unfair?

Like, do you like, I said to him, do you like wrestling girls with one arm behind their back? And I challenged him to give us $20,000 of what they make to even the playing field. And he kind of looked at me really like, why are you talking to me? You not hot woman? And then he actually went like this.

He put his hand out and he said, lady, I'm sure you're a very nice person and just walked off. Wow. I was just like a moth that he just flicked off him. That's hilarious. So you lose that task and then you're booted off the show because of that? Yeah, and also I have no contacts.

Yeah, right. Well, I did have a contact actually. I had an old friend that I shared a house with when I was young, like you guys. And there was one guy and five girls. And we shared this house with this guy called Chappy. And Chappy was kind of a bit of a surfy, kind of stoner guy, funny, nice, lived up in the attic. And all these years later,

it was about five years ago, I got a call from my sister who lives in the house with us. This is when we were 19 and 18. And she said, have you seen any papers today? And I said, no. And she said, have you seen any papers today? And I said, no. And she said, get a paper anywhere. And I got the Herald Sun, I think, and it was Mr. Robert Chapman has today been appointed

the CEO of Westpac Bank. Oh, what? I think it was Westpac, one of the big four. Yeah, right. Wow. Did you call him? And it was just insane. Yeah, I rang him and because most of us... He's running Westpac from his attic. Is that what you're saying?

I'm not sure if it was Westpac, but it was as big as Westpac. I'm with Westpac and I wouldn't be surprised. St George? I'm not sure. Yeah, it's Westpac because St George is under Westpac, isn't it? I don't know. Anyway, it just doesn't matter at all

and someone's going to punch me in the face if I don't get to the point. It might even be gay Joel. To distinguish him from the other Joel that's sitting in here. Joel Schumacher's over in the corner. I think I did have a stroke. I can't get to the point. When Fiona and I were filming Tractor Monkeys, Fiona made a gay crack at me in the audience,

which was being serious. And the studio audience went dead quiet. It was really awkward. And you were losing because you're gay and atheist and God doesn't love you. How can anyone take offence to that? We were on the same team. And did that make it to broadcast?

Anyway, so getting back to Robert Chapman. So my maiden name was Tahini and three of my sisters lived there in that house. And I put a call through to him when he became CEO of this bank. And I spoke to his secretary and I said, yeah, I've just got a message for Mr. Robert Chapman, please. And yeah, I've just got a message for Mr. Robert Chapman, please. Could you just leave a brief message for him to say that the Tahini girls rang and we know who you are. And so then finally I'm on Celebrity Apprentice and I've got the CEO of one of the biggest banks in the country

that I used to share a house with. And at one time he had a small crush on me because as I said before, I was very hot in my youth. Come on, you're a very attractive lady. Anyway, he was on his only week holiday for the year and he had no phone range. What are the chances? So I had nothing to bring to the table.

I'd put all my eggs, because I'm lazy, I'd put all my eggs in that basket. But it sounds like it wouldn't have been much help anyway because, by the way, you told that story, you're going to be calling him up and going, hey, also, which CEO are you, the CEO again? Is it the one with the dragon or the one with the dolomites? Anyway, whichever one it is, can I have some money? They've all got money.

This is a guy I used to play drinking games with. We used to play scut with you know we just play scouting games when you run out of words for a penis you know right yeah so dick easy start you know dick knob yeah i'm changing banks on monday you're changing banks i thought she said, I'm changing back. You're not going to be gay anymore. Come on, Fiona, settle down. This isn't Tractor Monkeys. You're gay.

Jeff Fennec asked if I could go back to when it happened. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, when we were filming League of Their Own, also didn't make it to air, he said, if you could go back, because I said I love Kim Clijsters, because I'm the Belgian tennis player, and he goes, if you could go back to when it happened, would you get with Kim Clijsters? To when the witch did put that spell on you? Yeah, I was knocked because the Belgian tennis player. And he goes, if you could go back to when it happened, would you get with Kim Clijsters?

To when the witch did put that spell on you? Yeah, I was knocked on the head one day. Yeah, no, when was that? Something with Broadway. Yeah. I don't know. Is it one of those sitcom things where you just get hit on the head with a mallet and then you're like, instead of losing your memory,

you're gay now? Yeah, it's a pink mallet. Imagine if a sitcom did an episode of that, because there's always Like a dream episode Where it's like You know someone will Make a grand statement Of going

I wish I'd never been born And then they see the future It's a wonderful life Imagine if someone Did a sitcom episode Where it's like a whole episode If they were gay I would love to see someone

Try it like a TV show Try that on Yeah yeah Like a special two and a half man What would you be doing Right now if you were straight? Oh I don't know I'd probably be smashing

A few tinnies With my fellas down the park. We love that. You're trying to crack onto me for a second. The old gilth. Quilth. Quilth. I mean, queen. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Quilth. You're a quilth. Flilth. First lady. But he'd still be dramatic and he'd like that whole Mrs. Robinson thing. If you don't call your festival show next year quilth, that is quilth. We could be like Demi and Ashton.

I'm running. I'm so far behind you because I want to go back to Jeff Fennec. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's so repugnant to me. And he's not black, so I can say this. He is a monkey. That's not racist, is it? No, that's the rule.

The censor just, I've got them in my earpiece and that's fine. Jeff Fanning is a monkey. Yeah, he was amazing. And then he also said that women shouldn't iron. That was fun. Sitting next to Celia Paquola. And then I said, does it freak you out sometimes that I have ironed for my boyfriends in the past?

And he was like, and then his head exploded. And then he forgot where he was. That's such a weird thing, like ironing though. Like it's not even cooking and cleaning. It's like, that's a weird sub-genre of housework. Like it's not a, I think, you know, I don't think anyone sort of makes that as a big issue, do it? Like why ironing?

Actually, speaking of Celebrity Apprentice issue do it like why ironing actually speaking of Celebrity Apprentice Jeff Fenwick when I was speaking to him backstage well he was sort of speaking at me he got

I said to him oh what was Celebrity Apprentice like and he went oh best two months of my life so you know some people do enjoy it

fuck yeah can we say fuck is that okay yes please I'm like the only reason he liked I'm really hip

and down with the kids the only reason he liked it is because the CEO of a major bank that he used to live with wasn't on holidays Fuck, is that okay? Yes, please. I'm like, I'm really hit and down with the kids. The only reason he liked it is because the CEO of a major bank that he used to live with wasn't on holidays when he did it. So that helps to make it more enjoyable. Best two months of my life. Although I did say Dancing with the Stars was the best six weeks of my life. Were they actually? Was it?

Yes, seriously. No, because I had forgotten what a young man felt like. No, he I had forgotten what a young man felt like. No, he was serious. And it was like, I had this Adonis. And I was so physically. Oh, yeah, he was hot. He was so hot. And straight, mind you.

Weird. Yeah. So it hasn't happened. The moment hasn't happened for him yet. Or was this the moment is he gay now no he's not gay that moment that

happened to Joel and that happens to all of them oh yeah sorry there's so much to talk about I'm so excited

I'm so excited by everything we're talking about but I could want to say this yeah because he was like built like

stone me or Tommy yeah and I and like for dancers he's a professional dancer right and to dancers tits and asses are like elbows to them Me or Tommy. Yeah, and like for dancers, he's a professional dancer, right? Yeah.

And to dancers, tits and arses are like elbows to them. Oh, they don't like that. No, no, they're just… They don't care. They don't care. Oh, right. So he just thrusts… You've just revealed a lot about yourself.

Yeah. They're like elbows. Oh, so awful. He would just grab me and just go, no, our pelvises need to be right here together. And I'm like… I'm not a highly sexual person, but, you know, the stirrings of something were, I mean, I've never had an orgasm, but. No, I haven't.

But I have had thrush in the house to myself. So I think I, you know, no, but I got stirrings, real stirrings. Yeah. It's like, wow, this is amazing. And I I got stirrings, real stirrings. Yeah. I was like, wow, this is amazing. And I got to do it every day. Wow. Yeah, but I'm... Were you there when Daryl Summers was the host?

No. Oh, that's right. No. Is that because, Joel, you're meteorically rising in the showbiz world. I believe that's the term. You can put that on your poster as well. Meteorotic. Meteoric.

Meteoric. I had that stroke this morning. Is that, that's... Meteoric. You'd say yes. Would you say yes to that show? Dancing with the Stars. Yeah. Meteorotic. Meteoric. Meteoric. Because I had that stroke this morning. Is that – you'd say yes. Would you say yes to that show? Dancing with the Stars. Yeah. In a heartbeat. Yeah, yeah, sure.

Hang on, hang on. But we haven't talked about your news. So you've got to really rethink these things because something very exciting has happened to you. Today. I'm a little bit – I'm really happy but I'm a little bit jealous. Yes. Right, yeah. I'm a bit bitter yeah you should be because I used to open for you and now I'm jumping ship but you know how you

say in you should you say this a lot to the news do you know I did I not tell you before no oh I'm only for Joan Rivers on Tuesday awesome yeah right don't a joke like he's opening for Joan Rivers. Yeah. Right. She's the American equivalent of you, really, when you think about it. Joel, you say these lovely things to me. She's the first lady or the queen of American comedy. Yeah, she's the queen of American.

She's the quilf of American comedy. Yeah, but this is Australia. Like, this is a really dumb country. Shit country. You hate everyone that comes to your shows. I only live here because I'm Australian. You have such disdain for your audience that you got me to open for you once.

You made your audience sit through ten minutes of me, which they did not enjoy. I'm actually getting frightened about Joel. Glenn Robbins actually said this about Joel. He said, with all sincerity, he said, if I could buy shares in Joel Creasy, I would, right? Yeah, right. If he could be the CEO of Joel Creasy in an attic, he would be.

In an attic. Yeah. And the thing is with me, because Joel keeps saying nice things to me, because we're best friends, I think. I'm like, for how long? I think it's with me because Joel keeps saying nice things to me because we're best friends, I think. I'm like, for how long? You know, for how long? Because I'm just going to, you know, my life is going to get so tragic soon.

I am like 15 years away from a nursing home and I could go batshit crazy, you know, because I'm having strokes already. And you'll have your own Tonight Show and I will fucking annoy you. Don't we think you've got dormant homophobia yeah i do worry that i have dormant yeah i did notice on the way in tonight i thought maybe um i don't know if it's a great career move or not but you you did bring in quite a bit of merch i don't know how many of them you're gonna sell to uh i've got a busy day This is going to be A hard sell to me And Tommy

To be fair Oh dear god I like that you guys You're talking about How close you are You've even colour Coordinated your outfits We're wearing the same

I know You arrived individually We think alike We finish each other's sentences Like I Joel says In your show That's what I was going to say,

you don't just love Meryl Streep, you want to be Meryl Streep. Well, that's kind of, I'm infatuated with you. I don't just love you, I want to be with you. I want to be you, not with you. Because you are gay and I'm an ex-very hot straight woman. Someone's going to Google me. What the fuck? She's not just had one small stroke this morning.

You're an ex all of those things, is that what you're saying? You used to be straight and you used to be a woman. Yeah. Cool. I was looking up, what I like to do, my research is basically just looking at you guys on IMDB or your Wikipedia page or whatever.

What's IMDP? IMDB. Oh, DB. Yeah, yeah, you know that. It doesn't make a difference, does it? Internet Movie Database. That's my confusion. Yeah.

You know that thing that shows you what you've been on, what TV shows and what movies? Oh, right. IMDB. You have one. I was looking at it today. Do know I did last night oh I think there was another little strike just happened that's fine that's fine go I've got the attention span of goldfish I sorry no you go that's rude what did you do last night? Last night, I hung out with Greg Fleet.

Yeah. And you're wanting $20 to replace what you gave him? And, like, it was, you know, we thought it would be really boring because, you know, he can't have heroin, I can't have alcohol. So he got smashed while I shot up. I got smashed while I shot up. But that's a joke relying on the thing that you don't have heroin usually. But fleety does get smashed.

We're talking about that of I'm not drinking for the month. Oh, I believe you. Do people explain to you what Movember is? Because you haven't quite got that right No I Because I didn't drink for July And then I kind of like Dry July Yeah I did dry July

Ox sober It just Yeah what's Yeah That's just me just Not wanting to No Kinnyvember Yeah

But like I So I didn't drink for like eight weeks And then I started Like I went back to it And it was kind of like In not doing it for eight weeks, I'd kind of like lost all the wisdom of drinking that I'd gained in ten years and like had some of the most awful nights of my whole life. Because you wouldn't have – like you wouldn't have your levels straight.

That was it, yeah. I went like – so a few weeks ago, Luke McGregor and Ann Edmonds birthday evening, I got very drunk. I didn't eat before I went out. Eating's cheating. Yeah, I had a... So I got home at like 4.30 and vomited in my sleep,

which I sleep on my side, thankfully, because I should probably be dead now. You sleep in the recovery position. Yeah. But then I, like, so you know how, because I always get, I now. You sleep in the recovery position. Yeah. So, but then I, like, so you know how, because I always get, I always used to get very paranoid when I would, like, wake up and go, oh, I was so drunk last night. And just especially, like, around comedy or festival or whatever, I'd worry, like, oh, what if I got really drunk and was just, like,

grabbing this person and going, this is what I fucking think of you. Oh, do you get a bit antsy? No, but I used to worry that I would be like that. but then i realized that i kind of don't have that in me like it's got to come from somewhere yeah but i think i'm i'm starting to tip towards it a little bit really but have you ever had a history of being a bit aggro when you piss no no but i worry that it's gonna creep out one day this must just sound like absolute amateur hour over here, Fiona. I'm worried about what happens if I drink once. Well, let me very quickly get to that.

So the end of the story was... No, I love it. It's fascinating. I love what alcohol does to everyone. A couple of days later, you know, like when you've been, like you remember the last person you saw before you left the party or whatever? Yeah, yeah.

Oh, that's the person who's seen me at my very worst. So I was sitting on Facebook chat a couple of days after this party and Demi Lardner, a comedian from Adela person who's seen me at my very worst. So I was sitting on Facebook chat a couple of nights, a couple of days after this party, and Demi Lardner, a comedian from Adelaide who's just moved over here, she popped up and was like, oh, here he is, fucking drunky. Yeah, drunksy. And I'm like, oh, God, okay. And she's like talking me through it. And she goes, yeah, and, you know,

learned a lot about the layout of your house. And I'm like, oh, God, was I – did you have to like – Were you doing drunken architecture again? did you have to like get a cab with me and like walk me into my house and she goes no you were so pissed that you just stood there for 20 minutes and just kept telling me about your house like kept talking me through the design of it and the layout of it

so that's that's what I like I have this fear that I'm like slagging people but what I'm doing is going, and then the third door on the left is the bathroom and then we've got this spare room. Yeah, I'm mega bored. Like I went out and had a couple of Bacardi Breezes the other night. I have never seen you drunk.

You're such a homosexual. That's because I am drunk and all the time. No, I got, well, I did the other night and I came home and I stood in the doorway and there was the sort of the moonlight was shining through an empty bottle of pump water on my kitchen table. I said, that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. And I got my phone out and I started taking photos. I was like, this is going to win awards and I'm taking all these photos and that is beautiful. And then I woke up in the morning, looked at the photos and my fingers covering half the camera in most of the photos.

And the rest of them are just a photo of an empty bottle of pump water. Yeah, yeah. Had you had Bacardi Breezers and some cookies? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because that's more stone. Oh, right. Yeah. This is fascinating to me.

On the IMDB pages, there's always like a forum down the bottom of people's pages. And it's like, I don't know why people use it. They just get in there and talk about whatever. I'm active on the Meryl Streep forum. Oh, are find it such a strange thing of course it's never something very like it's not very useful so this the two comments on your imdb page is there's someone saying obscure beauty is a big fan of you whoever that is oh damn i thought they were calling me an obscure No no no No No it's good She says This woman is fantastic seriously

One of the best comedians I've ever seen Then There's one reply to it From Darkness243 Who says I can't believe she did not make it What does that mean? Oh wow

Is that your mum? Fuck That's wow Calling it early what does that mean can't believe she never made it she didn't make it can you bring the wheelchair around unless she was like maybe she was running a gig and fiona never rocked up that night yeah i can't believe she didn't make it didn't make it to the end of celebrity apprentice yeah see but i want to go back to you tomm Tommy, and your worry about that kind of drunkenness.

Please. Because on that level of drinking, before it escalated to me, for like, oh, my God, I can't remember, I find myself just remembering one flashback of being on stage in Broome, but I can't remember leaving Sydney. No recollection of leaving Sydney, getting to Perth and then to Broome. Right, that's hardcore.

Yeah. That's seriously dangerous. That was dangerous levels of behavior. But when I was at that level, I was disgustingly nice when I was drunk. And it was so insincere. I just did it to be liked more. And I would pretend to be friends with people

and give them my number and say, we must catch up. Now people come up to you all the time after gigs and you have no idea who they are. No idea who they are. Oh, wow. Well, can I, I don't know, I hope this isn't talking out of school,

but we've got like a story like that with you once, years ago at a gig, which I think you'll find interesting for someone else's behaviour rather than yours. Hey, very quickly, very quickly, do we want to sizzle this up? Do we want to take a quick break? Yes. And we'll come back to this story on the other side of this.

We will. From the next instalment of Australia's most popular and long-running serial, Rad Dad He's the raddest dad in town Rad Dad Jenny! Jenny! Where are you Jenny? I'm under the stairs Rad Dad, you locked me in here three hours ago

Haha, well I guess you want hide and seek Cause I found the best place for you to hide That's not how it works, Rad Dad. I agree, we have had a fun weekend, haven't we Jenny? Not really, yesterday I spent eight hours watching you fire twirl in the front yard like a bloody performing arts student. Well, we'll always have those shared memories Jenny. Now get ready, your mother's about to come and pick you up, it's her week with you. Oh, thank God.

Shh, don't cry Jenny, I don't like it either. Oh, thank God. Shh, don't cry, Jenny. I don't like it either. Oh, hi, Mum. Hi, Jenny. Hello, Rad Dad. Hello, Jenny's Mum. You've met my son Joel, haven't you? Hi, Joel. Gosh, you've gotten big, haven't you? Wow, I didn't know it was legal to wear that much mambo. How's your new husband, Fiona? What's his name again? His name is Awesome Dad, and he's awesome. He's twice the man you are. Last night we made love for hours. Hours? What took him so long, loser?

Come on, Jenny. It's time to go. Okay. Oh, Jenny, stop making a scene. You'll be back here before you know it. Yuck, don't remind me. Embrace me, Jenny. Let the tears flow out of your hormonal young body. Does your dad do this every week? Is he, like, mentally ill?

Quick, Jenny, get in the car. Rad Dad, being married to you was the biggest mistake I ever made. Bye, shit dad. Well, I'm no expert, but not only does Jenny's mum totally want me back, it looks like her son also wants a good old stepdadding. Now, where were those twirling sticks and that petrol? Rad Dad is filming in front of a live studio audience. So, yeah, back.

Fiona, our experience, we had an experience with you one night where we did a late night gig with you and it was in your drinking years. Yeah. And there was an incident and that was all well and good, the incident like you've already described. And so by the end of the gig, you slowly...

I like how you've gone, I hope this is okay to tell, and then given no chance for her to really give the... To ring my lawyer. Yay or nay. No, but this is what I found interesting. So we got to the end of the gig. You weren't in a 100% fit state. No.

Was this about my third Judy Garland impersonation? Maybe. I'm not sure. Did it involve falling? No. I think you slunk to the stage. I think you did end up. No, I was talking to you another time when it was actually on the pavement

before I got to your room. No, no, no. No, I don't know anything about that. But we can go into that. Back then it was my preferred mode of transport, no, no. No, I don't know anything about that. But we can go into that later. Which back then was my preferred mode of transport. Yeah, yeah. Well, this was a similar story. This is a similar-ish story.

So you did the gig. You ended up on the stage, not upright. Jesus. So we finished and the – look, you know what? There was a full house of people that were pretty interested in seeing Fiona O'Loughlin on the ground. I put you through this as well. Yeah, that's fine.

It's a story. Hey, it means five minutes on the podcast. I didn't have to talk about something else. And this is a testament to your skills as a comedian because I was hosting that night and so you were lying down on the stage at the end of the gig and you said, Tommy, come and help me. And so I... I did not.

You did. You did. So I'm sitting on the stage next to you said, Tommy, come and help me. And so I... I did not. You did. You did. So I'm sitting on the stage next to you going, I guess this is the end of the gig, guys. And you've kind of like rolled over and just grabbed me and gone, tell everyone that I'm Charlie Sheen. And so I've gone, ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Charlie Sheen. And then everyone goes, yeah.

Yeah. I still had it. I'm fairly conscious but still coming off the zinger I didn't know that because you walked on and said Charlie Sheen and everyone went oh Daslo's wrapped this up nicely

it's not even your gear I had all that respect for you for those years I had my rider there that's like that's the equivalent of me like on a deathbed with cancer

and which I really hope is how I die because I I really want a lot of attention you've done a lot of cancer benefits yeah and I want a lot of attention. Well, you've done a lot of cancer benefits. Yeah, and I want a lot of attention and lots of morphine and all that. Anyway.

Drawn out. It's everyone's dream. I'll be on my deathbed giving you the last joke I've got. Yeah, you give me a few zingers to read out at the funeral. I actually moved by that story. Well, it's still going. It's still moving along. Are there these stories that people tell when I'm not there not there obviously like you know you talk about fleeting like the

stories go around no we've never told that story before that's a lie so what do people really go top the drunkest funeral i've ever been didn't that you've ever seen it not really they don't really ram it they go oh it's because everyone thinks i actually am your son they go her son's here stop talking oh and you know what the most hate i got on um the world wide web she's always banging on about her drinking and here we're doing it again and people hate it no no no it's interesting so this is the bit this is the end of the story so that all happens there's more yeah the crowd come out The crowd start to walk out. But they're quite fascinated with the fact that you're on the ground. They're going, well, we might have been there when Fiona finally checks out.

And I sort of walk on. Like I could die. Yeah, because they don't know what they're looking at. They're just seeing you not move on the ground. See, it's flattering. If it was an open mic, nobody would care. Yeah, that's so true. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And even though I would be dead, I could have become more iconic. Yeah, yeah. So what happened then was a lot of people stuck around. I walked on and, you know, we're all having fun now. This is a great story now, but back then we were a bit concerned and I walked on and there were sticky beats. Did someone take my pulse? I think, well, we'd call an ambulance.

We'd, all that sort of stuff. Someone just took your drink order. Yeah, yeah. We went through your pockets. beats and did someone take my pulse or um i think well we'd call an ambulance we'd we'd uh all that sort of stuff just took your drink order yeah we went through your pockets then we called yeah because those phone calls are free did i soil myself so but there was all these people sticking around to sort of have a sticky beak and i've sort of walked up and gone fuck off all you vultures you know get out of here get out of here so you were like a knight in shining armor yeah so the rubberneckers were out in full force. Yeah, yeah. Oh, well, we weren't like,

it wasn't you on the ground and me and Dastlo side of stage going, check this out. Check out that. I say the rubberneckers are out in full force. To be fair, this had happened at a live performance that these people had paid money to attend. But if I was there and that happened to someone, I could not get enough of that shit.

Yeah, yeah. Well, that's what they were doing. They were getting as much as they could. And we actually had, I don't know whether she listens to this show, but there was a comedy fan there that actually worked as a nurse and she came

and we were sort of freaking out and she came along and helped out with everything and did everything and then when it finally got sorted out, she was so brave and she was like going, oh, this is how you do it

and we're like, great. We're so wrapped. Someone knows how to do it. Then when it all got sorted out, she just goes, and like collapsed oh my god I was trying to be brave

but no because she was like a student nurse she was like young she was like 20 or something and like brand new at it she was awesome so this was

what was she really upset that she could have no as in she'd been holding me sorry we hadn't been talking about you for a minute sorry

well then can I go make a cup of tea Jesus Sorry, we hadn't been talking about you for a minute. Sorry. Well, can I go make a cup of tea? Jesus. Boring. We can cut that bit out. You know, that's fine. So what happened then was we were panicking and I go, oh, what do I do?

You know, you weren't with anyone. So I was like, okay, well, you know, you can bring the ambulance. I don't know whether to bring the ambience or not well i'll bring your manager uh at the time so i rang your manager and said oh look this is what's happened you um and just explain the situation and the first question wasn't is she okay the first question was did anyone take any fucking photos oh that's hilarious and i I went, I don't know. I was too busy trying to open the airways of your axe to keep her alive. So I didn't notice any Polaroids going off. You're really getting a lot of bang for your money. You don't get this at a

Kitty Flanagan gig, do you? No. Yeah, so that was his concern. But everything was fine. And then you – because this was like a couple of years ago now and the next day we were doing our first ever live episode of this. Yes.

Which we had asked you to do and you'd said yes to. And so we're standing there in the alleyway watching you pull away in the ambulance and just me and Chandler have had to turn to each other and go, who else do we know who might be free tomorrow? What? I didn't even bother to turn up the next day. I think you might have had a drip in your arm the next day, so it would have been a bit hard.

That would have led to maybe another one of my 20-day special lie downs in a facility. Right. Not sure. I'm just getting a bit paranoid now. Is Dr. Drew going to walk in there? This is the intervention podcast that we do. Yeah, that's pretty cool that you, you know, for us that was like when it all happened, we were like, oh, wow, what a story.

We've been part of this massive thing. You're like, fuck, what was that? I don't even remember it. It's like, well, that was the most exciting thing we'd ever been. That's the only time I've ever loaded someone into an ambulance and you're like, happens all the time.

What else you got? And do you know what is the greatest relief of that, of that I lived, but, oh my fuck, thank God,

I'm not that famous. Well, this is, this is the thing. Yeah, because if, seriously, if I was,

if that was Magda Zabansky, or, did it make the paper? I'm, I'm sorry about this. This is the end of, the real end of the thing. Yeah, because seriously, if that was Magda Zabansky... Did it make the paper? I'm sorry about this. This is the real end of the story. A couple of weeks later, because it was at Softbelly that... There's been so many false ends to this story as well. What do you say to that? It's like a homeland.

It gets to the end of the... It gets to like about a couple of months later. And the gig was at Softbelly, which has turned into Five Burrows that I still run now. There was a regular gig happening. A couple of months later, I'm always doing the door, taking the money, whatever. Someone comes up to me and goes, Is Fiona O'Loughlin on tonight? I'm like, no.

She's like, oh, yeah, because I probably, is she going to be on the floor and I'm like were you at that gig a few months ago and they go yeah I was there and I went okay yeah well it was pretty unfortunate but anyway yeah I'm sort of surprised they didn't make the papers and she goes so was I

because I took photos and sent them in fuck there's photos out there no no this girl tried to get them Fuck. Yeah. There's photos out there. No, no. This girl tried to get them into the paper. But there are photos out there. Well, geez, someone's got one or two maybe. I don't know. How's my luck?

Like that hasn't. Yeah, that's good, isn't it? Yeah, it's really good. Well, I think it's good and bad because it's good that it didn't go out there and it's bad that you could think, hey, I passed out. Why wasn't that in the fucking paper? You would sell some tickets. You would show some units.

Oh, no. Seriously, people are over it. There's been too many incidents. Is that the reason you've gotten sober? Not for health but just because it's hack now to keep drinking? Yeah, you need to come up with something else. You're doing old rope. No, I'm going to have to say, I don't know, robbing things.

Yeah. You'll become a klepto. Yeah, you'll become a klepto. And people are going to, you're going to get shit Twitter for this or feedback for this because people hate me. No, no, no, no. There's a few of them. There's very few of them.

No, no. But they're going to go, ah, she's talking about abusing him. But I just want to quickly talk about this bit of it. Like in the AA program, like which I'm, you know, in, one of the steps to AA is going back and making amends to the people that you have let down, disappointed. Like I would have to fucking go on the road like a tour. A tour. It would have to fucking go on the road, like a tour. It would have to be a tour.

Going to a sorry tour. Seriously, I would have to go to Port Ferry. I'd have to go to Broome. I'd have to go to Brisbane. Who else do you know who can climb? I've just shat in so many towns. But who else do you know who can climb part of their 12 steps back on tax? That's awesome. Oh, that's awesome.

Oh, that's brilliant. Yeah. You get it sponsored by Qantas. Yeah. You'd have to go and do your sorry show in Port Ferry and then they'd have to say sorry for making you go to Port Ferry again. And do you know, even as much as I should have learnt from this, and I have, I have still got a plan to drink again. Oh.

Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not going to happen for a long time. Yeah. Right? And it's pretty foolproof. Right. But I'm going to, I want to go into a nursing home when I'm 66.

Yeah. Because I don't want to live with my kids or, you know. No, that would be boring. I didn't really like it myself, you know, having to do all that netball and stuff. Yeah. You know, like go to concerts that really bored me and I just pretended to be interested. I don't want to live with some stranger, you know, that my kid marries. I just want to go to the nursing home and sit down and watch TV.

Basically, that's all I want. But I want to have one year of fun before I do it. Sure. And so my plan is I'm going to just start pretending to get dementia when I turn 65. Right. I'm just going to say random weird shit to my kids. But, oh, I was a lesbian in the 80s before Hannah Gadsby was even born.

That's just an idea. You're workshopping. I'm workshopping. That's just an idea. Yeah, you're workshopping. I'm workshopping. I'm just workshopping dementia. And I'll just do weird things like leave things on. That's crazy. Yeah, a little bit dangerous.

And I'll forget some of their names. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, and then I'll say, my husband died in the war. To strangers, you know, in Coles. But then whenever they take me to the doctors, I'll, you know, get completely with it again because I don't want the doctor to think because I don't want to be put away just yet because it's not until I'm 66 is the plan.

Right, so then they're all going to think, I think she's a bit batshit crazy, right? And then what I'm going to do, because I'll have a mikey senior card is that a thing yeah oh okay i don't know i made it up okay i might actually do this instead of it could work yeah but i'm actually truthful this is a plan i've got right not anymore we own all this material the manager signed over the rights to it you can never get drunk again forever that's just true I just want one last crack

and so what I'm going to do is then just get on a tram like in my slippers and go to RSLs and get shit faced and just go

oh I forgot and I don't even remember getting here like I'm just going to keep doing it. Yeah, right. Yeah, and just get stuck in for about a year. Yeah, sweet.

Until they then put you away. No, I put myself voluntarily away and say sucked in. You showed them. I had you fooled. Yeah, you're saying that As you're from the gutter Oh you fucked this one Yeah the only thing That could foil this plan

Is one of my kids If one of my kids Becomes a doctor Or if one of them Listen to the podcast Yeah Oh fuck Are you so good at this

Don't worry Kids these days Don't have iPods Don't worry about it Oh you're magical at this This would make a great documentary series or something. I was looking up IMDb, I'm looking up IMDb still, and it's saying that you did an ad for Heinz Soup.

Yeah. Is that true? Yeah. Yeah, that was relatively recently, wasn't it? Yeah, I remember that. That's as true as Joel's sexuality. That's as Rich as Joel's sexuality. That's as Ritchie did. It's bedroom antics.

Whatever they get up to. Once they've gone through the change. After I put it on their head. It's not often enough that gay sex gets referred to as Ritchie did. In my opinion. That's Ritchie did. That's ridgy ditch. That is true blue poof to sex. On the cover of DNA every month.

Boy, it's a bloody ridgy ditch issue this time. Yeah, and John, you were talking before about how I get freaked out that my homophobia is rampant because I was raised homophobic and I was really scared for your sake. Yeah. My dad has a bit of not even latent homophobia, just straight out there. Like last time I went to Sydney, he said,

oh, where are you staying? And I said, oh, I'm staying with Tom Ballard who lives with Kyron and Rhys who are a couple, so three guys in the house. It should be, you know, it's fun staying there. And dad goes, oh, well, you know, it'll be good, but, you know, just be careful when you're in the shower. Oh, he did.

And I'm like, what? In case I drop the soap and all three of my mates come in and rape me while I'm staying in their shower. And dad's like, you know, just, just, I'm like, just what? What's the point here? What are we getting at? Your dad's a wit. Maybe they thought, maybe his cliche about homosexuals is that

they're not very good at plumbing. Just be careful when you're in the shower because those fucking handles will fly off and hit you in the head yeah well my dad is an architect so if anyone would have the empirical evidence to back that up it'd be him yeah so did you have sex with them when you're not all three of them though that's too much two of them i won't say which two yeah i'm really paranoid that joel although he'll be really famous by then and probably have gotten over me, but that he will visit me and I'll be like my grandmother, you know, and I'll just go, that little faggot came to visit me on Thursday.

You know, with rollers in my hair, you know, mad little queer. But I do love the idea of Joel being a Tonight Show host and you being like that but on the air as his sidekick. Yeah. Just in bed. Yeah, the anti-sidekick. The homophobic Paul Schaefer. Yeah.

Hit it, Fiona. Shut up, poofda. With alcoholic dementia. Oh, that would be like Dame Edna's match. Dame Edna used to have a match. Yeah, that's right. A little bit loopy. Or it could be like Max Weinberg in the Max Weinberg 7.

It's Fiona O'Loughlin and the 12 Steps. That's your house band. I want to say this, Joel. I want to say this, Joel, before we get to the end of the show. With your star rising quickly in showbiz, to me that's not the impressive thing about you. The most intriguing, impressive thing that I've heard, not from you, I've heard from other people, is

apparently back in Perth, your parents own a lot of McDonald's. Is that true? Damn it. Yes, it's true. See, I'm a little bit more than a little bit obsessed with McDonald's. That's great because mostly, that's why I don't really tell

people in this industry because they go, McDonald's, yuck. I'm like, you were on an ad for McDonald's. Well, that's great because mostly, that's why I don't really tell people in this industry because they go, oh, McDonald's, yuck. I'm like, you were on an ad for McDonald's, shut up. Yeah, they do. They do. So, if you're ever in Perth and want a free cheeseburger, I am on my way to the airport. It's McHappy Day every day of the week at our house. Well, we were talking the other week about trying to get McDonald's to throw some bunts

into this show. Well, I sent a letter to them. I sent a letter to them last week about sponsorship and I didn't get a reply. So I've actually penned another letter to them this week. Right. I've sent this one. Send it to mrcreasy at mcdonalds.com.au.

Yeah. So I've sent this letter that says, Dear McDonald's, hi again. I'm writing to you for the second time. I didn't quite get the response I was after from our last correspondence. If you recall, I was looking into the idea of you guys sponsoring our podcast, The Little Dumb Dumb Club.

It's a great little comedy podcast. We have thousands of listeners, especially ones that I think would benefit from hearing about the exciting products you sell, like a Big Macs and chips. So in case you were unclear, I just wanted to reiterate that we are extremely happy to talk about how much we love your products. We are not taking the piss. It would not be all like, The Little Dumb D diamond club is brought to you by mcdonald's

and then we go yeah and so is my diarrhea i have too much respect for you as a family restaurant and by the way your food has never given me diarrhea although once i went to the toilet uh although once when i went to the toilet someone used it after me and said how did you make the toilet smell exactly like McDonald's? That is a true story, but it did not make me think any less of you. I'm pretty sure I got more McDonald's on the way home that night. So anyway, once we work out the financial arrangements regarding this inevitable sponsorship, Tommy, my co-host, and I will be more than happy to come in and work behind the counter

on McHappy Day as a celebrity worker, or at the moment, we're probably just happy to come in and work the counter as a regular worker. On a Monday. Thanks. And looking forward to hearing from you, your super friend, Carl Chandler. So we'll see if we get a response. I don't know if Mr Creasy. Can I tell you where you've gone wrong in that email?

At the start? Well, you said burger and chips and it's burger and fries. Oh, okay. Do you know from HQ if someone starts banging around the term chips? It's not ice cream, it's soft serve. Oh.

And that's how close we were to getting the millions. Yeah, that's all it was. It was one word. How close are you to sponsorship? Sorry? How close are you to sponsorship? I'm randomly sending

these messages out into the ether and they're not replying to me. So not very, not very close I think is the term. I have got a contact with a bank. I'll put in a word with Ronald. Yeah, great. Yeah, Grimace, Birdie, Hamburg.

Because I'm very clear. Because, you know, look, I go there five times a week. So they don't even have to give me money. Do you really go there five times a week? I reckon I would go there up to five times a week easily. That's, it seems low based on you. Did you not see that documentary? No, on purpose.

Because I know that it still won't stop me. And then I'll just feel worse about doing it. You know, after Super Size Me, McDonald's were freaking out. I wasn't talking about that documentary. Yeah, you're talking about like food or something? Yeah, bowling for Columbine. I was trying to quickly say something pretty funny in there, so my fucking brain wouldn't work quick enough.

Well, after Super Size Me, McDonald's sales went up. Oh, really? Yeah, they did. So say bloody Creasy McDonald's. Yeah, PR tech. So say the Creasy PR machine. Did you used to work there? Yeah, I used to work at McDonald's.

How did you get that? I was a to say the crazy PR machine. Did you used to work there? Yeah, I used to work at Mac's. How did you get that? I was a cafe manager. You are such a lovely boy because where this is coming from, despite some of your flaws, which you are a bit vain. Homosexuality. You're homosexual. No. You're so tight with your mum and dad.

And they're so cool. Yeah. Your mum is... His mum is really hot. Oh, really? Oh, no, I've met her. She is hot. Yeah.

I've been invited over to the Creasy household. I've pashed her. I agree. I've seen Birdie on the murals in a... Yeah, mum's in that costume. I'll tell you, I have met Mrs Creasy and I cannot believe I didn't know about McDonald's at that stage because I would have definitely asked her.

They would be on board. They could lend you those orange drink barrels that they lend to the little kickers on Saturday. Yeah, for events. You could have the big water barrels. At the birthday show, we've got to have one of them. And we get someone to tip post-mix coke over us at the end of the podcast. There's been a little bit of controversy this week

that we're on board. We're doing a live show that we haven't brought up yet. We're doing a live show in three weeks, I think. This is not live. We are live, but there's going to be more than us at this show. Can't you see the big broadcasting tower in the middle of Carl's apartment? It was the one you pulled out of three years ago when you were in hospital.

Alright, sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry for having an addiction you pulled out of three years ago when you were in hospital yeah alright sorry sorry sorry for having an addiction you don't know where my deep troubles came from you know

and I won't even go into that it's very painful it was a long time ago and I've forgotten most of it so we've got

the venue is going to be at Five Boroughs. Is this really going to be true? Yeah, yeah. We've done a few of them. I keep saying, is this really true? It's so enthusiastic. It's not breakfast radio. Do you really not have anything else on?

Do people really listen to this? So we are doing a- My daughter in London listens to this. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, that's lovely. So we're doing this show. It's going to be at Five Boroughs, which you headlined a couple of weeks ago. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, that's lovely. So we're doing this show. It's going to be at Five Boroughs, which you headlined a couple of weeks ago.

It was a great show. Didn't fall down. Yeah, exactly. Left in a cab. As opposed to an ambulance. It was a white cab with a flashing siren. But anyway, whatever. So we're doing it.

And I put the invite up about the show and whatever and the people that run the venue happened to Google it and find the little blurb for the show and then asked if we – because at the end of the sort of blurb it said, hey, and because of all the times we talk about McDonald's and Nando's on the show, I put in a little bon mot. I put in a little bon mot at the end that said, hey, and above all else,

it's also very close to McDonald's and Nando's. So, hey, there's at least that. They saw that and then rang me up and said, take that out. Do not tell people. No, not at all. Take that out. Do not mention that there's a McDonald's or a Nando's

because we are a restaurant downstairs and it's like no one's making the difference between some sort of four and a half star restaurant with you know

$40 mains and getting a half a dozen chicken nuggies I'm not sure exactly what this means but I think

they could be fascists but I don't have a very good general knowledge. There's been a lot of words that we haven't understood in this episode.

I thought it could sound... You're calling it. I thought it could sound intellectual. That's how Hitler started. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, so controversy. Controversy with the birthday gig. Yeah, so...

So now what we need to do is all go and have McDonald's at the end of the show and it can be the meal they didn't want you to have. Yeah, yeah. Well, we did a live show where we snuck into McDonald's and did the show. Now we're going to have to have a live show where we sneak McDonald's into the show. Yeah, we sneak out of the show to have McDonald's.

I'm going to come and do one in Perth because that one of my parents and backers, they've got a party train. Oh, the train. They've got a party train. I reckon I could hook you up. I don't know what the acoustics would be like. If that fails, do you want me to put a call in to Heinz Soup? Yes.

And what, we do a gig in a big pot? Yeah. You know what one of my kids said? It was his, it was the first time we'd all flown anywhere together because no one flies seven people anywhere. Yeah, sure. Families can't afford that. Anyway, but Heinz flew us all from Alice Springs

and put us up in a hotel. And we're on the aeroplane and Bert was about six and he leant over and said to Biddy, my oldest girl, he goes, I wonder what soup tastes like. I wonder what soup tastes like And we're about to go pocket their can Great I never eat soup I mean who the fuck eats soup in Alice Brings?

Oh yeah of course Of course You thought I was a bit hillbilly then Because I was thinking even hillbilly Surely soup is not something fancy. Yeah. No, no, I didn't mean that. So it was contraband in your head.

But that was so disastrous. Oh, not disastrous, it was fake. You know, Mary Agnes, not one, like she was, as we were filming. Were they all in the ad? Yeah. Oh, were they all? Yeah, so they all got paid. And that's why at the end of the ad is your son going,

so that's what it tastes like. Learn context, buddy, because we didn't hear the first bit. No, Mary Agnes, who's completely, she was free-ranged, you know, and so spoiled, but beautifully so. She was just a brat and I loved it. And she was like, she was four and she was like, this is disgusting. And she just, while we were filming, she wouldn't eat it.

Wow. That girl needs to get on brand. Could you please try and do something with that child and get it to eat soup? Get it to eat soup. She's never going to eat your shit soup. And that's shit. Oh, I had to bullshit.

Yeah, but it was 86 grand worth of bullshit you know but um 86 grand i love when people are sneaky about it but you've gone to the absolute specific divided between you and all the kids no they only got they got a thousand bucks the soup in an account each which i have they got to find out about the mystery of soup and i don't even know where it is I took it I did because I I don't know I needed it

because I'm actually not rich because I've got you know a very bad history with finances yeah I've made a lot of poor decisions and

but Hindsuit wasn't one of them 86 grand because I was selling myself yeah like because it was my me my yeah

yeah that's what you need to break through into. And you had to have five kids for it. Yeah. I had to have five kids. That's a lot of pre-production. I had to marry the right genetic makeup guy, which I didn't even really like. But our kids are really good looking.

Yeah. And that wouldn't have happened without him. Yeah. You know? You do have good stock. I mean, you're a very pretty lady and your kids are good looking. Yeah. And that wouldn't have happened without him. You do have good stock. I mean, you're a very pretty lady and your kids are pretty hot. Yeah. And it's backfired on like some of my family.

Why? Well, we're kind of a bit pasty, pale, you know. But that's okay. My kids aren't too white. Like I'm a little bit alabaster, would you say? Or just white. Yeah, you're a bit. Blamonge.

I'd say twilight. You're real honky. You're a bit rigid. My cousin, this could sound racist. I don't give a shit if it is racist. Because sometimes racist things are funny. But my cousin married a Chinese girl. A Chinese?

Yeah, a Chinese. Yeah. A Ching Chong. A Ritchie Ditch Chinese. You want a chopstick or fork? He married one of those. One of those. We laughed and laughed.

No. He calls her the herd improver. Oh. Oh, yeah. And I think that's funny. Yeah. That's not racist. That's yeah. And I think that's funny. Yeah. That's not racist. That's not funny.

It's not complimentary. Because they wanted to get some olive skin and a little bit of colour. Better marks in maths class. And this is going to sound like, oh, I set this all up and it's bullshit and it's just for a laugh, but it's the absolute truth. She has got red hair. Really? Yeah, with slimy eyes.

You're just leaving a little... Is it not the thoughts of the podcasters? Shout out to myself listening back to this in the edit suite in a day's time. Oh, Jesus. Ronnie, I mean, I just... Hello, me. Shout out to all the keyboard warriors out there about to furiously... I'm trying to defend those slimy eyes.

Shout out to BuzzFeed. Technically, you didn't say it. Shout out to the front page of the Herald Sun that finally are going to run a Fiona story after knocking back the other one. What's that? Nothing. Fiona, that story was really offensive

and I can't believe you brought that up on the podcast and all I have to say to that is me no reiki. How about those pig in their knees? all I have to say to that is me no reiki. And how about those pig in innies? We've got so racist I don't even know what the words mean anymore. Well, I think that's a good point to wrap this up. See, racism

is the new... Look, we'll take five books each, Fiona. Alright? Let's just get out of here. I don't think there's going to be anyone... Actually, we have to wrap this up because I'm not finishing my own sentence. I'm just looking hopefully desperately at a young homosexual

I don't think there's going to be anyone protesting at the forums next year when someone calls you gets cut at you for calling yourself a story is queen of racism. Nope, fair enough. No, it's completely earned. No, if current affair come chasing me, I'll just tell it like it is. No, I think a current affair would come chasing you going,

can you write for us? Yeah, that's true. Can you give us any hot leads to follow? Well, Fiona and Joel. Oh, I'm having a stroke. I think that dementia plan started a little bit early. If you do need money for your legal team, you do know the head of the Westpac Bank.

Of course. Plus, to be completely honest, this is an actual thing, but just outside my balcony there, there's a couple of white sheets that I've got on the line that you could just put over your head there, Fiona, and this would all make a lot more sense. Well, Fiona and Joel, thank you very much for joining us. Joel, you are jetting off to New York.

We actually had a couple of people tweet us that they went and saw a friend of the show, Anne Edmonds, do stand-up. Last time we went to New York, we got recognised. Yeah. Did you? Yeah, by podcast fans. So come down and check Joel out.

Details of your gig, you're at the Comics Strip. I'm at the Comics Strip. Yeah. And Edmunds is on that show. Oh, great. Yeah. Fiona, have you got things coming up

that you would like to let listeners know about? Any gigs? Oh, no. There's nothing really. No, I can't. You've got books.

You've got books here at Carl's House if people make it down in the next 20 minutes. Me of the Never Never. Yep. A pun title that the fucking publishing company made me run with. Boy, your book to us. If people make it down in the next 20 minutes. Me of the Never Never. Yep. A pun title that the fucking publishing company made me run with.

Boy, everyone's copying us. All right, just don't pump the book up too much. No, it's a really good read. It's a great book. Yeah. Boy, if you are Asian and you work at a publishing company, you will have hated this episode. I did not pay any attention at school.

I'm really dumb. Like, not desperately dumb, but I wrote a book and I do not know what an adjective is. I really don't. Again, it's not helping the book. Or a noun. It's a picture book. A noun is a naming word, but that's all I know. The rest is like, oh,

fractions, boring. Verbs are doing word. Adjectives are descriptive. That's not going to land now. Yeah. You know how many cells I'm running on? Yeah.

In the grey department. We've got the third birthday show which we mentioned November 24th at Five Burrows at 5pm. 5pm. We're going to have

an extra special guest. It's going to be awesome. Please bring in as much McDonald's and Nando's as you can. Yep. Do it. Sneak it in.

Especially, especially obviously Moose. Yeah. That's petulant what you're doing. That's hilarious you can. Yep, do it. Make it in. Especially, especially obviously Moose. Yeah, that's petulant what you're doing. That's hilarious. Yeah, yeah.

Well, have you met us? I think you have. We, I'm going to not even, tomorrow morning I'm going to hold off my morning poo

and do it in Nando's. Just in their toilet. No, Nando's are good people. Yeah. Oh, we like Nando's. Go to Five Burrows.

Go do a shoot at Five Burrows. We were pumping up Nando's a good people. Oh, we like Nando's. Do a five boroughs. Go do a shit of five boroughs. We were pumping up Nando's. I told you it was fine. Yeah. Five boroughs again. No, no, no. I thought you were being... The five boroughs owner were the people that were saying...

Do you think I should be euthanized this afternoon? There'll be a full transcript of this episode which we'll mail to you, Fiona, so you know what's happened. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Oh, really? No. to this episode which we'll mail to you Fiona so you know what's happened yeah yeah oh really alright guys well that's it for another week

thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time see ya mates