The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 162 - Declan Fay & Nick Maxwell

Episode Date: November 12, 2013

Floodbugs, Stimulating Conversation and Throwing A Bottlecap On The Ground.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey mates, not long now until the Little Dumb Dumb Club third birthday live show spectacular. Carl, when is it on? It is on November the... 24th! 24th! 5pm, Sunday November the 24th, upstairs at Five Burrows. Let's see if you know the address. 68 Hardware Lane in the city?

Yes, in the Melbourne CBD. Tickets are online now, tinyurl.com slash dumdumbbirthday and through our Facebook and through our Twitter. It is going to be great. We've got special guests. We've got some live rad dad. We've got all sorts of dickheadery. Come down. It'd be great to see you.

Be great to see some friends of the show and meet you guys afterwards. And also, if you are not a Melburnian, if you are an Adelaidean, what can they get into? I've got something for you guys from Adelaide. I'm doing a one-off solo show. It's on December the 3rd. It's on a Tuesday night. It's at the Crown and Anchor Hotel. I'm doing a solo show.

It is Carl Chandler has literally 1.5 million jokes. It's on, you can find tickets, links on, what, Facebook and Twitter, on all my sort of stuff and on the Dum Dum stuff. If you search hard enough, you will find the info, but that's the location and the time. Love to... Shows are too easy to go to these days, I find. I don't like being given the link.

I like to have to sniff it out myself. That's it. So I'm going to come over for one show, so it'd be awesome. I know we've got heaps of Adelaide Dum Dummers over there, so if you can come out and represent and give us a reason to come over and do a live one maybe. Yeah, do it. Cool.

Cool. Two things to check out, guys. We'll see you there. See you, mates. Hey, mates. Welcome once again to the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. My name is Tommy Dasolo. Thank you very much for joining us.

Sitting next to me is the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. Hey, I've got a sweet story for you about me being in a chemist recently oh wow this could go anywhere this could go anywhere i'm dying um i was in the chemist and in front of me at the prescription line there was this uh elderly greek gentleman who was inclined is this important to the story yes okay all right go on there going to be a bit of voice work. Oh, yes. Is that all right? Yes.

I don't know if that's all right. I feel like after last week's episode, the kind of... The gates are open now. All right. For sort of taking on minorities and... You are a minority. Dasolo.

Yeah, exactly. It was my grandpa that I was standing behind at the chemist. Right, Grandpa Dasolo. Grandpa Dasolo, yeah. So anyway, it was this old man and he uh inquiring about some medication for his wife but because it wasn't his ailment he was being very loud about it right so like he's there and he goes i'll attempt to do the voice he goes my wife she has the um she's got the blood in her stool she needs something for the blood that's in her stool and the pharmacist is like kind of awkward about it and goes,

oh, so it sounds to me like she's probably got hemorrhoids, so you might need like something for hemorrhoids. And he goes, what? No. No hemorrhoid. Like the idea of her having hemorrhoids was like so offensive to him. And then he basically just ended up having a fight with the pharmacist about what was wrong with his wife i like that he's so offended by

hemorrhoid but he's like there is blood in her shit yeah so yeah not hemorrhoids just blood out the arsehole yeah yeah just something for that like let's not let's not make this let's not give a name to it yeah yeah but i did it was it was an enjoyable it's just like that scene in the shining but instead of a corridor it's my wife's but I did. It was an enjoyable thing. It's just like that scene in The Shining, but instead of a corridor, it's my wife's arsehole. That's the only thing that's happening there. I think that's a full stop on that story. There's no point adding anything else.

Let's introduce our guests for this week. Continuing on in our form recently of these little, I guess, crossovers. Marvel team-ups. Marvel team-ups. Remember that? Marvel team-ups where they would have like Spider-Man teaming up with the Hulk? I think that's what this is. Yes.

Which one's which? We're Spider-Man. Okay, cool. Because I like Spider-Man better. From the Sweetest Plum Podcast, please welcome me to the little dum-dum club, Declan Fay and Nick Maxwell. Hulk smash. Hulk smash.

I would have gone more Terminator versus Predator. Oh, really? Who would we be in that? Weinator versus Predator. Oh, really? Who would we be in that? We're the Terminator. Oh, we're the hunted in this. No, we're the hunted. Predator hunts. Terminator terminates.

Is this a stoner conversation? Predator predates. The people who listen to both our podcasts Would have seen this title in the thing And gone oh fuck it I better know what this is going to be like And now they've gotten a minute in And gone oh not what I expected at all Yeah yeah

Did they record this episode Before they started podcasting? Hunter what? Hunter hunts It's like Batman bats We're recording this in the back room Of Minotaur Comics by the way I was such a in the back room of Minotaur Comics, by the way. Oh, yeah.

I was such a – I used to go to Minotaur Comics. So did I. I was the old school one that was on Burke, right? Yes. It was like three levels. Yep. And I always – that comic book store guy sort of from the seasons is like a sort of like – what would you call it?

Like a light version of what those guys are. Oh, they're the worst. They were so surly. You'd buy a comic call it, like a light version of what those guys are. They're the worst. You'd buy a comic and it was like you were doing them a disservice by purchasing. They were such angry guys. That's what I used to do. Because you brought up on Facebook yesterday, Maya. And when I lived in Maryborough when I was a kid,

I would come to Melbourne for the day and I would almost sort of plan out my day to hit all the hot spots of Melbourne. And one of them was Minotaur Bookshop with all the comic books and stuff. And one of them was the Maya Food Court. So were you deliberately doing all things that began with M's? Yes. Yeah, yeah.

I went to the Melbourne Aquarium, the Melbourne Town Hall, just anything with Melbourne and stuff. Oh, yeah, so you were fine. Is there still a Maya Food Court? Yeah. Oh, is there? I think there is. It was a food hall. I Is there still a Maya food court? Yeah. Oh, is there? I think there is. It was a food...

I remember there was a Maya food... It was food, glorious food. Is it underneath? Yeah, I don't know that it's still there because they've done some fabulous refurbishment. I did not have any money in it, by the way. Fabulous. You'd be going straight to the basement,

the Maya basement, wouldn't you, to get all your young people clothes these days? There is a basement, isn't there? The basement's you, to get all your young people clothes these days? There is a basement, isn't there? The basement's got the sports section. I'd probably go down there for the sports. Did you say you came up and planned Melbourne because you're from the country? From the sticks.

The sticks or the country? That's the same, isn't it? The same thing, isn't it? Hang on. What do you think the difference is between the two of them? I thought the sticks was like deep suburbs. Oh, right. So did I, actually.

I've got like Pakenham as a sticks. Okay, maybe that's true then. I don't know, the country. The country I had is like the haze. Well, where is bumfuck nowhere? That's further on. I reckon bumfuck nowhere is between the country and a suburb. That's the sweet spot in between there, I reckon. Can I just say it sounds like someone's breaking into your house.

Oh, really? Have I got that wrong, Dick? Do you keep hearing a noise? Someone smashing a door? Did someone possibly walk in? Did someone just walk in? That could just be a front door. That's just our third guest.

Coming in. Is it the guy from The Chemist that's coming in here? Yeah, to steal some of my sweet medications. He doesn't have to go back in. Is it the guy from The Chemist that's coming in here? Yeah, to steal some of my sweet medications. That's the CEO of Maya coming in to give us all sweet cash. Oh, really? So I just had to bring it up because I had this image of us finishing the podcast and your front room being cleaned out. Well, four more on Saturday.

That's statistics. 26% of home break-ins occur whilst a podcast is being recorded. That's how many people are doing podcasts now, actually. Now, I'll bring this up, a bit of housekeeping from previous episodes. I don't know, maybe you guys can relate to this, because you've got a very successful podcast, obviously. Now, you've got a lot of listeners. You get a lot of feedback from them. There's no Maya food court.

What with the Maya food court podcast? People don't know if we're still operating. People like the idea of us, but we can end up giving them legionnaires. Kids do still come up from the country and make sure that you're part of their day. Kids come up from the country and make sure they're inside us. Yeah, yeah. Make sure they visit us. A lot of kids on urban camp come to see you yeah that's right yeah do you know that because you're from melbourne do you know the concept of urban camp that's what we would do

it was called urban camp i do i know a friend of mine's a teacher and was saying they'll get year nines and they get like a week in melbourne yeah there's like a checklist of things i have to check off and like i've been to the Flinders Street Station and I've been to Maya Food Court and I've been to Minotaur. I don't know how often Minotaur makes it. That's a sweet excursion, yeah. On the checklist. We used to go every year and it ended like,

because you think there's obviously a purpose for this to, you know, teach the country kids about the big city and, you know, whatever it is. And then we just stopped and we were like how come we don't go to urban camp anymore and they go oh uh firebug burnt that place down so you don't get to learn about the city anymore so it was like oh the one place that the country kids were allowed to go to hang on so a firebug burnt yeah that specific building yes could they have just gone to a different you would would have thought so. Yeah, yeah. No, that was it. I always love the term firebug because I always imagine a bug

as opposed to a man who likes setting fires. It's wrong. It's too cute. It's too cute for what it is. Yeah, exactly. A sicko who deliberately starts... Is that true? Every time there's a bushfire, I always go,

like, did someone start that? And they always go, yeah, sort of. Like, we can't really talk about it. And it's like, can we not talk about it? Because people just couldn't deal with the fact that every bushfire ever is lit by someone. Like, it's never the sun just getting on an old dead gun. It's always some nut who just goes,

I want to see the world burn. Yeah, and also because they say it's a sexual thing for these guys as well. I always just think of the image of just everything going crazy, like the movie Backdraft, and in the middle instead of Kurt Russell sort of jumping through, it's just this 15-year-old kid just pulling his dick in the middle of it, just going, yes, I've done it!

That's what Carl thinks about, by the way. I got jumbled. I thought that you were saying he starts the fire by a vigorous... That's how he causes enough friction to then create the heat that creates the fire. That's how Roadrunner did it in the cartoons. It's like the snake eating itself, because then that fire that you've started turns you on, so you want to start working your dick again.

So it's just this kind of infinite loop. Yeah, you can't learn that on Urban Camp. Well, not anymore. I kind of wish I could replace... That would be great. If I could replace all of my sexual urges towards human beings with something else be it fire be it golf clubs i don't know but that would be great because it would release so much should there not be like if there's fire bugs shouldn't there be an equivalent

like you know like a flood bug like is there anyone who's like turned on by water and just like you know walking into a into a shop and just pouring a bucket of turned on by water and just walking into a shop and just pouring a bucket of water on the floor and soaking in the carpet and going, oh, yeah, look at that. Well, yeah, because it's always that destructive thing. Why isn't someone doing the same thing? So if someone goes by and buys a big issue, then immediately ejaculates after that because they've given $5 to the homeless.

And there's probably heaps of them out there, but they just don't know because they're never going to admit to it they're never unknown champions of society i don't think that'd frighten the homeless guy i reckon the homeless guy's seen a lot worse as long as he's got his five dollars for the new the guy ejaculates and he goes i'll raise you that one and just you're gonna have to do a lot better than that mate i feel bad saying this but there's a guy who sells the big issue at the front of the the supermarket near our house who's, he's a bit of a dick. Like, he's a bit of an arsehole. Right.

I know who you're talking about. Yeah. Have you had any run-ins with him? Because you live around this area. I'm all right with him because I'm a Big Issue alumni. I write for the Big Issue. Oh. You mean you're all right with him as in he is an arsehole, but he's not an arsehole to

you? Yeah, pretty much. But hang on, does this poor guy that's probably never even looked inside the big issue recognise you as an auteur? Something happened that made us like... I don't think Declan has written and directed his own films. I just thought I'd chuck out the word auteur without clearly knowing what that meant. Take a byline in the big issue.

Let's not go any further than that. Take it easy, Cahiers du Cinema. I knew that first year cinema studies would pay off one day and just that I could say that. Didn't pay off. No, it's what, yeah, it's not, you're not an auteur for a 400 word column in the back of the, that they regularly cut down to 300 words.

Oh, now we're getting picky with a big issue. No, I don't mind them. If you could pay them extra, would they add the 100 words back in? No, it's this very limited space. It keeps going down. Every time you send something off, they go, sorry, we've had to cut another 50 words. Well, that's what they told Declan. Limited space. We've got to have this whole page of ejaculate from one of our home.

Well, I've got into a conundrum with that, into a bit of a problem with the guy you're talking about because any time I used to get anything published, mum would want a copy of it. And so I'd routinely buy two copies if I had – and i only write for it like once every maybe like three or four editions and so i'd buy two and then every time i'd then go up to him to just buy the one when i wasn't in it he'd go is it two and so i was jammed buying two and so instead of having the awkward no i'll only get one i kept buying two like i've got so many fucking big issues in my house now.

You should go out and start selling them. Yeah. Set up shop next to him. I'll just do, I'll do back issue. The retro big issue. Probably actually sell better. Yeah. Well, so, and yeah, and so then I got jammed.

But so he really likes me because I get two. Yeah. So we're sort of, I don't have a, I don't have a. Well, because we'll go up there with our dog who's running around like crazy right now and we'll sort of tie him up out the front when we're in the supermarket. And then it's been a couple of times

when my girlfriend comes out and he's just had a crack at her about leaving the dog there. Like, oh, he didn't seem to be happy about that, did he? Eh, not very good dog ownership, is it? Anyway, big issue, five bucks. Like, he'll try and whack a sale on the end there. What, is there an article in there this month about proper pet ownership? Yeah, you're a bit of dog owner if you pay the pet owner tax,

which is five bucks. He must be doing that a lot, though, because there's a lot of dogs that are left out. But what is that? Sorry, what's this guy? What is that? What's he hoping to get? I hate that because what's his answer?

What's his solution? He's just basically saying you left the dog for too long. You couldn't take it inside. And given who he is, he's going, oh, you know. What's another alternative?

It's a bit weird to be tying up your dog to that signpost over there. Anyway, if you don't mind, I'm just going to put this cardboard over myself and go to sleep. Like, in terms of treating people,

treating things the way they should be treated. But what's the alternative? Because we've taken... It's at the shops with us because we're taking it for a walk. So his alternative is what? Just leave it locked up inside at home. There's no sense in it. You should walk it to the shops and then inject it so it goes to sleep.

You go into the shop and you come out and then you give it a pill and then some smelling salts and it wakes up. Is that humane enough for you, fuckhead? Why does he have to say anything? It's like a condensed process of when you take a pet on a plane. It's just a smaller scale version of that. You have to have it sleeping in the bottom of the supermarket while you're in there.

I just don't know why. Anyway, this is good. So are pets sleeping when they go on planes? I think they drug them, don't they? Do they? Not in the Hollywood movies I've seen. When you get into the, they're all yapping. How can they not hear this from in the actual plane?

Are they asleep? I didn't know that. Is that a process? I think cats maybe. You do work for Ansett, don't you? You would know the answer to this. I do still work for Ansett, yes. I think cats you don't need to. You do work for Ansett, don't you? You would know the answer to this. I do still work for Ansett, yes. I think cats you don't need to, but I'm pretty sure certain dogs they need to.

They do put them under. Is it like on every plane would there be pets or like is there a pet plane? Again, why is this being directed at me? I want to know. Your guy. If you had gone to urban camp, you would have learned all about this. Maybe you would have learned about this on urban camp. Your guy, I find that, you know, it's confrontation for no reason.

Now, I wanted to bring up this story because this happened to me and this is a good forum for guys. It's a very male story. It's a man saying something to me and it was very confrontational. I want to know what you would have done and if what I did was appropriate. Yes. So I'm sorry to slow things up It won't take too long

Yeah We'll get back to dead pets on planes soon Yes Good Now I don't really go out very much But it was a friend who's moved back From a And he's moved back near me

So I was like I felt I had to Felt I had to go and have dinner with him And he wanted to go out On a Saturday night And I suddenly realised Why I don't go out on a Saturday night Because it I suddenly realised why I don't go out on a Saturday night. Because it's like a fucking zoo out there.

Anyway, so we're sitting down... The zoo was next to the urban camp, by the way. That's an actual true story. Was that on the list? Yeah, it was. Because that was a very easy one to tick off, obviously. Yes. Well, it comes last, I assume.

Zed. Or maybe you weren't working out. Or if it was geographically, it would have been first. Right. Anyway. It's right there. Sorry, Saturday night. Boy, you thought the start of if it was geographically it would have been first right right anyway it's right there sorry saturday night so it's a boy you thought the start of that story was slowing things down so it's a hot hot uh like a new burger joint right where they serve drinks as well so it's a bit pubby you know we're sitting outside on the street eating our food this guy comes up and he's got two girls and he's looking for a lighter.

And he's asked the table next to us. And my instinct when this stuff happens is to go a little bit, ah, I hope he doesn't. I'm just thinking that, but whatever. I'm sorry, that was my first instinct. So he goes, have you guys got a lighter? And this table blows him off. Have you guys got a lighter?

To us. Now, we have a pack of cigarettes sitting on the table, but we don't have a lighter because when we'd arrive we had to ask this these guys behind us to borrow theirs so he starts going you guys got a lighter and he looks at the cigarettes and we're like no we don't and you saw this sort of little flicker in his eye like oh yeah okay but then he starts on with a bit of oh hey isn't that interesting how no one's got lighters anymore? He does a little bit of a routine. No one's got lighters, don't you reckon? You go, I reckon these days.

And so I'm trying to, I'm thinking he's doing this because he thinks we've got a lighter and we're trying to blow him off. So I said, I sort of cut him off mid-routine. He's trying to win everyone over. And I sort of said, well, actually, we got our lighter from these guys over here. They were very helpful. And he just looks at me and he goes, and he looks at the guys and then he looks at me and he just goes, oh, all right. Yeah, mate.

Okay. And then just sort of walks away from the table. I was like, okay. He walks over to his girlfriend or whatever, one of these girls, and she's like, how's it going? And he goes, directly indicating us, oh great great yeah just had the best oh just the most amazing conversation with these people just like such stimulating conversation oh wow like i'll never forget it so we so we of course have to just sit in you know and just sort of cop that yeah he makes

a few more asides for the next 35 minutes. He's drinking beers he's bought at the bottle shop at this pub. Oh, right. At this restaurant. Right. Just like trying to crack. That's the reason he wanted the lighter was not to smoke, but to crack the beers. He's cracking open the beers and the guy from the pub comes out and goes,

hey, just want to let you know, like, it's not great if you're drinking those here. If you just keep them out of sight, it would be helpful. And then to him, he's like, super nice. Thanks, man. Oh, yeah, thank you. Thanks for letting us know that, mate. Yeah, awesome. Like, he's being super nice to everyone else.

So it's like 30 minutes later, he gets up to leave, and we're just talking, our sort of small group. And he goes, it's like kind of quiet, and he just goes, hey, mate. Meaning me. group and he goes it's like kind of quiet and he just goes hey mate meaning me you know i can't i just know it's me so i look up and he's like just thanks for the amazing conversation i'll never forget it oh i can't wait until we next meet what are you saying how are you playing he did that i was like over it and i was just smiling at him and I just sort of went oh really oh great that's great

fantastic and he's going can't wait until we next meet and I said because my head's spinning I just went I hope you have a good time until then which is means nothing and I of course spent the entire night going I should have just said cunt face

What do you think he wanted Entire night going, I should have just said cunt face. What do you think he wanted? What would have made a good conversation? I mean, that was the thing if only I'd thought to say when he's going, thanks for the amazing conversation. What's he expecting from the opening line? Has anyone got a lighter? You're supposed to jump in with a bit of Shakespeare after that?

It's this onus that he's putting on you to give him a good conversation. I know. And I think he was annoyed that I didn't really appreciate his gags about lighters and his observations. I'm just amazed that he managed to sit there undetected for so long with beers that he'd bought in from outside. What kind of pub is letting this go on? Well, look, I'll say that it's a bar restaurant, so I guess they're, you know, but exactly.

He was all over the shop, but it's the kind of, no one's moving him on. But I just, it was that real, I felt so attacked. And you can probably imagine, I don't get into these kind of things very often. I had a very similar thing the other night, which was, you know, I don't go out into, like, oh, is it a trendy?

Why is everyone competing about how much they don't go out? Look, I don't go out. I don't know about you, Declan, but I at a trendy... Why is everyone competing about how much they don't go out? Yeah. Look, I don't go out. I don't know about you, Declan, but I'm a very social guy. But not only that, I've got a competing story about someone insulting me and not knowing

what to say either because I was at this trendy pub and I did a set. I did a stand-up comedy gig. A little skit. Yeah, my little sketches. I did some riddles and it was a terrible gig and I... Oh, the skits and ridit. Yeah, my little sketches. I did some riddles. And it was a terrible gig.

And I... Oh, the skits and riddles didn't go well? No, no, no. But the whole night was bad. It was a badly set up gig. And I got up there. I was already... I was watching the gig going, I don't want to get up.

I was being paid to do it. And I was literally going, I wonder if I not only forfeit that, but if I give them that money again, can I get out of this? It'll pay your way out of it. Yeah, if I could, I'd pay my way out of it. So I ended up getting up there, and it was Melbourne Cup Day, so I haven't been drinking all day. It was terrible.

So I get up there, and this woman started just arced up straight away, started yelling stuff out at me. I didn't do, you know, I abandoned whatever plan I had and just talked to her. She kept saying dumb stuff. I kept slamming her down. In the end, I ended up sort of getting into it because she was so drunk and everyone hated her that I was just pouring shit on her for like 20 minutes. And it ended up being okay because everyone's like, yeah, give it to her.

She's trying to ruin our night. Fuck this person. You know, if I can get into it. So I did that for 20 minutes. Everyone really liked it. Great. She was humiliated. Everyone's had their fun.

I walked off. As the MC's walking back on, he's standing side of stage. He's standing next to these people that had recently sort of joined the gig. These young guys, probably 23, 24, 25 years old. I get off thinking, I've done as good as I can possibly do. I walk off. The first guy walks up to me and goes that was really fucking shit mate and then the second guy comes up and goes yeah you're really shit mate and i just i almost didn't

didn't understand what was going on i just went thanks boys yeah and i kept walking and as i walked past i went what just happened then like because i understand if someone didn't like the material that was being put out there But By insulting me By just going You're fucking shit You're fucking shit

They just did a lighter scale version Of what I'd done for 20 minutes Yeah Cause all I was doing Was pouring shit on someone And going How fucked is this woman Fucking yeah

I walk off and they go That was shit I'm like That's what I just said But they want They maybe want to provoke you And get a bit of it back Cause they're like Do us mate Do us I don said. But they maybe want to provoke you and get a bit of it back.

Because they're like, do us, mate. Do us. I don't know. But maybe they thought that's like your mating call. To keep shit on people. So they've gone, oh, he does that. We like him. No.

It's peacocking. Yeah, maybe. But as I say that, I realise that's insane. That fascinates me. What do you think they wanted? What kind of response do you think they were thinking they maybe wanted? Yeah, well, but like what can you, that is just insane. To say to someone, you were fucking shit. Yeah.

I mean, even if you really think that, just keep it to yourself. What can you say? But I was like, I thought, you know, if I'd have got up there and talked about. I know, wasn't it terrific? Yeah, no, but you talk about whatever you're going to talk about, a story about whatever. I talk about umbrellas and socks and whatever I usually talk about. But instead, I'm just going, this woman's drunk. She's trying to fuck the gig.

Fuck you. And everything she'd do, I'd just hang shit on her. And then all I was doing was doing what I did back to me, going, that was shit, because you said that was shit. I still think you – I wouldn't correct your response. I think you've done very well. Thanks very much, boys. That's great. I don't think you – I wouldn't correct your response. I think you've done very well. Thanks very much, boys. That's great.

I don't think you can do much better. I think it's like we need to – because that does happen a lot where people will come up after a gig and just say, give you the honest feedback. And like you said, what response do they want? What do you say? And it's sort of like – Thank you.

There's that kind of cliche stand up line Of like someone heckling And someone going And the comedian going Oh man I don't come down To where you work And knock the dicks Out of your mouth You know

The dicks The multiple Yeah Yeah man Since you've done stand up It's really been amped up Really it's no longer just one No no no

You've got to put a lot in there Yeah yeah yeah Because it's I mean it's man It's 2013 I mean you know Years ago One was enough One dick doesn't shock Anyone these man, it's 2013. I mean, you know, years ago one was enough and now –

One dick doesn't shock anyone these days. Sometimes it's dicks and arseholes. I don't knock the arseholes out of your mouth. Whatever sells. Whatever sells. At your work, your place of business where you're alternating between sucking dicks and licking out arseholes. No, no, no.

He's actually got arseholes in his mouth. Because that is a standard heckle to say, I don't knock the dick out of your mouth at your work. Because you'd sort of be like, I wish you would, because I've got this horrible job where I'm sucking a dick all day. I wish you'd come and interrupt it so I could stop the worst job of all time. That's probably why people heckle, because they've

heard that cliche bit on like Seinfeld and stuff, or not Seinfeld, but like wherever, and thought, I thought, oh no, heckling's good, because they're comparing it to getting a dick knocked out of your mouth, which needs to happen more often. Well, yeah, they're just happy to come to a gig and be able to say something out of their mouth, because it's usually full of dick.

Meanwhile, the guy next to you is going, you've got dicks in you, man. You've got a mouth of arseholes. Yeah, I never turn off. I never turn off. I'm always working, even when I go out. I remember when I started out, I was in the arsehole division, and if you put in some solid hours, you can one day work your way up.

Work my way around. Work my way 180 degrees around. If I can go back to yours for a second, Nick. Was he with a girl that was his girlfriend? That was the most irritating thing. Go back to yours. Your dick or your arsehole? The guy who came up to me, the most irritating thing,

because you're just picking up a few things when you're out. And I tend to take notice of the same things wherever I am. And so I, of course, observed that he was with two quite attractive women. Really annoying. Because you want this guy, you're trying to paint him was with two quite attractive women. Yeah. Really annoying. Yeah, yeah. Because you just want, you want this guy, like, you're trying to paint him as a piece of shit in many ways. But then it was a real, like, every time I'd look over to him,

he'd go, yeah, he is a piece of shit. But she doesn't seem like one. Yeah. And now she's taking a picture of him. Ah, shit. Two girls. Are you saying there was two? Yeah, two, yeah.

He couldn't have been happy Like I don't know Maybe they were You know He didn't seem happy With the situation though Because he was He really focused on the fact That I didn't give him

Enough love You know And to sort of describe A little bit more Was he kind of Was he a bit Darrow looking Or was he

Beard But like They've all got them These days haven't they Yeah Darrow used the term Sort of hipstery type beard But a bit off You know clearly

Maybe he was a bit Could have been a bit high. Bit of a cool, crazy guy who just kind of thinks the rules don't apply. The classic guy who, when there are four tables of people and those four tables are adhering to the social rules of you talk to the people on your table, he's like, fuck, man, I'm going to throw a spanner in this bullshit works. Hey, who are you? Hey, what's your name?

Hey, you've got a lighter. Yeah, I get it. Like you're not a bad person for doing that. But at the same time, that's not a good thing. You think that's really like you're breaking down social boundaries. I love how tuned into societal conventions you are for a guy who, by his own admission, goes out of his way to not leave the house and engage in society at all.

Yeah, because on paper that story goes, I don't ever go out. I went to a pub once and someone asked for a lighter. What an arsehole. What's going on out there these days? It's fucking a wasteland out there. The youth culture. If anyone cared about anything that I did, yes, that's how it would be written up in a small

blurb and I would look like a giant arsehole. Then someone would have to knock you out of someone else's mouth. That's a conceptually complex sort of idea. The visual image that's created in my mind is sort of like there's a feedback loop of arseholes and Maxwells. Hey, it's been a while since we've called out to James Fosdyke and requested some art come in. But if you're looking for something to do...

Can you draw? This could be the thing that breaks him. Yeah, I don't think you can draw that. I don't know. We hear from him in a month and that is what caused him to quit illustrating and now he's like an accountant. Yeah. Well, that's your social quandary about how we would deal with it, Nick.

Now, my question is, I just would have liked to have been a bit quicker and funnier in the moment because then I could have, you know, the dream is that I say something back to him as he leaves and all the other tables laugh. Yeah, yeah. And the girls also, in an ideal world, they just drift away from him and come and sit down with you.

Yeah, that was funny. Yeah. What do you do? You break the spell. It sounds great. Yeah, and then he goes, come on, Jenny and Gina, we've got to go. That was funny. Yeah. What do you do? You break the spell. It sounds great. Yeah. And then he goes, come on, Jenny and Gina, we've got to go. And they go, fuck off, Steve.

And I go, yes. That would be the best. Yeah. This is this. Look, I think I might know the answer to this question, but I'm just going to put this out there. I think maybe this is an acceptable thing to do. I think this is a victimless crime

and you can be my judge of peers here. This is what I did last week. My girlfriend likes to go to bed quite early. On a Friday night, she said, I'm tired, let's both go to bed early, which she's want to do to impose my bedtime on me. Like I don't, you know, if she's going to sleep, we've all got to sleep.

So I went to bed, she was asleep got to sleep. So I went to bed. She was asleep by 8.30. I'm in bed at 8.30 on a Friday night. I've got my phone. I go, what am I doing? And then I text. I know that Harley Breen, friend of the show Harley Breen, is doing a gig like about five blocks away.

I text him and say, are you doing that gig still up at that hotel? And he said, yes, come down now. And I said, okay. And I got up at 8.35 as my girlfriend is asleep, got up, got fully dressed again, crept out of the house, went and drank about 10 beers, and then came back again by about 1 in the morning. Didn't say anything.

No one woke up. Went to bed, woke up the next day with no one knowing what happened so i didn't tell my girlfriend at all what had happened that i'd ended up going and having 10 beers and watching comedy and i said yeah just got up and went that was a big sleep wasn't it that was a good how did you sleep good yep great and she's none the wiser is that is that a victim crime is that i'm assuming that in her head you you were you, you two have both slept together from 8.30, so you're waking up the next day. It's like there's an increased closeness there.

I wouldn't say it's victimless. There's one very big victim here, and it's you and the sad fucking life that you lead. But that's how you've got to get your jollies. Again, this is like you talking a little while ago about how you sneak moose. Some people would have gotten up and gone and done something radical. You're going a block away and catching up with Harley Breed.

Hey, to be fair, I hadn't drunk beer with him since the night before. Go have an affair, mate. For fuck's sake. What are you doing? I know, that would have added a bit to the story. You banged up a dozen birds and then, oh, well, good morning. Yeah, that would have made it better.

I would have been a better bloke for that. Well, the story would have been better. I feel like it's less about – I sort of weirdly agree with Tommy. I feel like it's less about the dishonesty. I don't think there's a huge – I think it's more about you enjoying sneaking. I didn't – well – And so have you still not told her now that you went out? Yes.

You haven't told her? No, no, no. And so... Well, what's the story? But what's this picture that you've got of your girlfriend where you think she's going to say, what? You went down the street at 8.30?

Like, this idea that you have of how your relationship functions is just a disaster. It just gave me a bit of a thrill because it was like some weird movie that wasn't that interesting but you know there was a there was a great you know you see a lot of movies people sneaking out getting into pajamas and going and having this claddest dine secret life or whatever it just happened that mine was you went in your pajamas that bit i would have that would have been good yeah especially because i know you sleep in the nude and so that would have been how do you because I know You sleep in the nude So that would have been

How do you know that? You've just told me Many times So yeah You just have the pyjamas For clandestine Yeah So he's nude

But puts on the pyjamas So if I go into my bedroom With my girlfriend I start putting PJs on She goes Where do you think you're going? I do like I've been meaning to

Ask you about this for a while So like You know You travel around and do gigs or whatever and I quite frequently stay at mates' places and stuff like that. Now, when you're staying at someone else's house and you're in the shower and they've got all their different shower products and bathroom products and stuff, what's your etiquette there? Are you getting stuck in or are you –

No, I don't. Really? No. I do and I feel a bit of a giddy thrill when I do it but also a bit guilty. Are you then like filling up the pockets of your jacket and stuff with shampoo to take it home? They're going into their bedrooms, taking cash out of the bedside table.

It's all the same principle really. Because I know you get like young kids who want to be comics and stuff like listening to this show they're listening to it going this is the like rock star life I can have

sneaking down the street at 8.35 and stealing a bit of shampoo that I needed anyway I don't

I don't have showers if I stay at someone's house you don't have showers no I do have showers

but I don't like it at other people's house really what do you do I don't again it's a better story if you don't ever have showers.

No, I think the better story is if you take showers at home, but when you go to other people's houses, you exclusively take baths. This is like a podcast of the lamest fetishes ever. Like guys admitting just slightly odd things they do. I don't like other people's showers that much. I just sort of go, I feel like it's in true. I don't know. I've just never really done it.

I don't love showers. Do you realise too how wildly different every shower is? Because you get so used to the – I don't because I don't go in them. I don't know. I'm talking to the two normal people in this conversation. You get so used to like, you know, the pressure and the height of your own shower

and then you go into someone else's and even if it's a little bit off, you're like, what's this? What are they bathing in over here? This is gross. I completely agree. I completely agree. I find it very hard to stomach. And, you know, the weird one though is having a shower,

not that it's – but I occasionally have a shower at the gym and, you know, what's weird about that? You feel like a real weirdo. You feel just like a general creep. Because you get naked in this shower that's got nothing in it. No personal. Because showers always have a little bit of personal. It's just like raw. It's like, yeah, you need to wash down in a public space, buddy.

Yeah, I'm sweaty. Just wash it off. It's a very, I don't feel comfortable. And I do not feel comfortable afterwards. People still do that. It's not just old men. People still do the like, oh, you know, if you're in a change room, it's okay to sort of be naked for like, you know, eight or nine seconds.

It's not. Yeah. Just cover that up. I had something like that the other day where I played indoor soccer just before I went to a gig. I went into the place I run Five Boroughs Comedy on a Thursday night and I played soccer. I didn't have time to have a shower at the place where I played soccer. Went to the venue and for some reason I thought there was a shower in that restaurant. I don't know why I thought there should be a shower there, but I did think that.

So I came in to have the shower. There was obviously no shower, and it was just a basin. And I went, okay, well, this is – I can't be all sweaty for this gig. So I took all my clothes off and sort of washed myself in the basin and got walked in on, which, of course, looks absolutely ridiculous for some of them. It's called a horse bath. Is it?

You know, washing the undercarriage from a basin. Oh, right, right, right. Squashing the undercarriage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I was having like the – This is the ultimate little treat for people who listen to both of our podcasts right now. Horse bath coming up. Did they walk in and like did you go, don't look at me.

I'm hideous. I don't think I even had time to say anything because as soon as you open a door and there's a guy... Were you nude? I was... I think I had undies on. Carl, Carl. Were you nude? Or were you wearing your clandestine jammies?

No, no. I think I had my undies on, but they were being sort of pulled down to wash and stuff. Again, the glamorous life. I've never liked I reckon I find people That just walk around nude

Like if it's at a public thing Or like even if it's Like you know In a swimming pool or whatever I find it like A swimming pool change room Yeah like I find it Really fucking arrogant

Yeah Like there's a Like Old guys I get it Because they've gone I'm so old now I don't care But like a young guy

There's a sort of arrogance Like I can Wave my cock and balls wherever I want. Yeah. And so. All behind the guise of, hey, it's just natural. We've all got it. We've all got them, guys. We've all got them.

Yeah. Because at school, I never wanted to like, actually, suddenly I'm realising as I'm talking to you that maybe the issue lies with me. But I didn't ever want to be changed in front of people at like pe change rooms or whatever so i'd always wear like the pe clothes underneath yeah yeah and just fucking rip it off i'm ready to go like a clark kent with low self-esteem yeah it's true the absolute opposite to you was a boy i will not name who i went to school with who every at the end of every day where we had sport last, we'd all change in this room.

And I don't know if you remember that, but boys getting changed quickly, trying to get changed, trying to get home, taking your sport clothes off, putting on your school clothes, and there'd be one boy whose father would come in and would change him from head to toe. What? No. And you know the good thing about the boys of that era, we never got stuck into them about it.

I'm not saying bullying didn't go on in the school, but no one ever went like, you know, you could really like ruin a kid for that. Yeah. No one did. That dude now, I hope he thanks God almighty every day because he has gotten away with something incredible. That is a great train robbery right there.

Wow. You know, his father, you know, stepping into the underpants at his father's home. Oh, no. What? No, he wasn't. And who, like? This is 10.

This is grade 5. Because I remember mum, I remember leaving my undies at home one day and going to school with nothing on. This is like when I was 6 and mum came with the undies. She changed behind. Yoo-hoo. Waving them. There was a bit of that.

But that was when I was 5 or 6. But to be 10, like it's pretty. 10's like you're into girls girls you're into stuff like that something what's why i was i'm just trying to work out what and then did it just stop one day yeah look i meant it eventually stopped but it was a thing if you know i mean they didn't i don't think they really quite realized you know but yeah this i like the idea that it stops when there's this dramatic moment like the dad comes in one day and you're all like here we go and the kid's like no dad i've got this and he remembers that as the moment that he first knew he was he was a man you

know and his dad just punches a hole in the wall and he's going up to other kids what about you do you need a hand like i've got nothing else to do now now. He lost his job like five years ago. Then him like in a year's time, like hanging around with mates going, so how old were you when you stopped your dad from coming in and putting your undies on in PE? In front of all your mates. Everyone going, what the fuck are you talking about? Yeah, I'm just trying to work out who wanted this.

If it's a kid or if it's the dad or whether it was a mutual sort of... Do you know if things can go on a bit too long, like with your parents? And it's just because no one's called it. Because it's like, you know, like there was for many years it was a sort of a thing between me and my parents about whether I knew there was a Santa Claus or not, you know. They would keep saying, hey, Santa brought you this. And me going, and them not being quite sure whether I knew there was a Santa Claus or not. They would keep saying, hey, Santa brought you this. And me going, and them not being quite sure whether I knew or not yet.

And me going, do you guys know yet? Do you remember those great years at school that overlap where some kids, their parents would let them in on the truth and others hadn't and just the fury it would cause on the playground. I used to love that. This is dead serious. I think I've said this to Nick on our show, that we had a fill-in teacher come in.

She was an older woman when we were in grade four, and she said, what are you doing? And we said, oh, we've been writing letters to Santa for Christmas. And then she said, oh, really? I swear to God. I remember the moment so starkly. And then she said, how many of you believe in Santa? And it was that divide time.

Yeah. About half put up their hands. Because that's such a – I remember it actually causing fights in the school yard. Yeah, yeah. It should happen. It should be like sex ed. Everyone should be sat down at once and just told about it so the overlap doesn't happen. That's what this woman tried to do and she said,

Sandra is not real. I love it. She's a trailblazer. People started like crying. I hate it. That's the worst. But then she went like one further and she goes. 9-11 was an inside job.

She goes, how many people believe in the tooth fairy? And I thought that was a no-brainer. And it was only me and one other kid put up our hands. believe in the tooth fairy. And I thought that was a no-brainer. And it was only me and one other kid put up our hands. This is after you've been told Santa's going to go. I still wanted to hang on. She's taking no prisoners. I love it.

Is there some people going, oh, as if Santa comes from the North Pole, duh. No, the tooth fairy comes and grabs my tooth and gives me money, though. So people believe in one and not the other. My mum was furious when I told her. Because I remembered going home that night. It was like everything had changed. Did this teacher then go, and who believes that life is fair?

Bigfoot. What about Bigfoot, you little fucking idiot? It was an amazing manoeuvre. If it was your own teacher. And a fill-in teacher too. I swear to God. I swear to God it happened And I just remember driving home that night

Declan, do you believe in God? I don't know how to answer that That's a very I went to a Catholic school And I'm still very confused by that question No one Anyone that went to a Catholic school It's in your DNA

Like people that go I don't believe in it or whatever It's like it's in there. Sorry, Carl, were you being the teacher then or were you legitimately asking the question? That was meant to be a joke, but I just hit a massive... Yeah, you did. I don't think I hit a nerve.

I think I hit an aorta. I was about to start sobbing. This is basically... I still remember that teacher's name. It was Mrs. Menezes. Right. And she was like... But yeah, I apologise for taking your God question.

And yeah, I'll punch you in the face and then walk out. We'll return you to your episode of Brides of Christ. Hey, Dick, I need to fill you in about something because you live in this area. You live near me and you've just recently had a child. I have. Is that what you're filling me in about? Are you aware that your wife has done this? Your partner has done this?

There's a cafe in this area that... Is this the one that's $48 for a plate of eggs with one bit of fennel on the side? That's all of them, isn't it? Yeah, actually, that's true. Someone I know was in there with two young children and this cafe, like along the windowsill, they have lots of rubber ducks because that may or may not tie in with the name of this cafe. Oh, yeah, I know which one it is.

And so the kids were sitting there and they were looking at the rubber ducks and they were like really, really into them and they're like, oh, rubber ducks, yeah. And the mum was like, oh, you know, after this, you know, I'll go buy you a rubber duck. And the waiter heard this and he goes, here you go, kids, and just hands one to each of them from the windowsill. Have the rubber ducks. There you go, kids. And they're like, yay, this guy's the best, yay. go, kids, and just hands one to each of them from the windowsill. Yeah. Have the rubber ducks.

There you go, kids. And they're like, yay, this guy's the best. Yay. Anyway, they go have their meal. This lady, when she's leaving, she goes to pay the bill. She looks at the bill and she goes, oh, it's a bit, didn't realise we had that much. Looks at it.

Two X rubber duck. No. $10. No. Wow. They've gone in on five bucks per ducky. That's outrageous. How do you like that?

That is egregious. But I thought about it. That is egregious. That is egregious. That is a work in an auteur. It's genius because the kids already have the ducks. The mum's not going to turn around and go, no, no, get rid of that duck fee.

Give me that, kids. Yeah, but Nick is far more versed in being roused as a parent as a child than I am. I'm not at that stage yet. That's why that's so disgusting because, as you point out, you can never take it back. Yeah. The mother's in a position where she exactly can't say to the child,

oh, we're putting that back now because it costs $5. And the children are just going, what? $5? What the fuck does that mean? I love the manager sitting there going, they laughed at me. What the fuck is that? I love the manager going, they laughed at me. They laughed at me when I bought that crate of rubber duckies

from that hot potatoes that was going out of business. And now who's turning a sweet profit out of it? I think you're right. I reckon the manager has, because it is, maybe the name relates to rubber ducks. It may or may not relate 100% to the phrase rubber duck. Yeah, yeah. You guys are being so good with this.

No idea what it is. I reckon the manager has like accidentally, when they've opened, he's gone, fuck them, we'll sell rubber ducks, rubber ducks for everyone. And he's ended up with just crates of rubber ducks out the back. No one's buying them. And he's going, I've got to move these on. Oh, absolutely. But that's the thing.

I'm sorry, there is a rule there where the guy has to say, you like those ducks? That's awesome. You like those ducks, kids? Hey, to the mum, they're only five. Yeah. But I love it. You don't have to go to a shop.

You can just buy one of those. To him to take the, oh, can I be Santa Claus? It's like the cafe is run by carnies. It's just a sweet scam they've got going on. I love it. It is. That's actually carnies. It is.

That's a carny act. This would make an excellent current affair, undercover hidden camera style thing, which they love. You guys, if you guys both went in there with your kids. We'd put a hidden camera on our kids. Strap a GoPro to its head. Oh, well, we should team up because there is that thing of, you know, these podcasts, they're all out there and we don't get any money, do we?

Any of us? We just suffer. So you guys are fully being paid for today's. Oh, good. Definitely. Mr Taxman is listening in, so yes, we make zero money. You're being paid in two rubber ducks. That's ten bucks.

We should do a hidden camera show where we do that. We'll do the rubber ducks. We've got this thing where we're going to get Lindsay Gaze. We're going to go undercover with Lindsay Gaze, and it's just going to be like any time no one recognises it, I'm just going to say, hey, it's Lindsay Gaze, mate. This is Nick's pitch, and I actually think it's a good idea. He goes, Nick produces a segment.

It's his segment that he makes. Well, this is going to be a whole show. It's a hidden camera show. He's got Lindsay Gaze, and he walks up like he'll be anywhere. Anyway. From a cafe to the Logies and he'll walk up and just put Lindsay Gaze into a social scenario and he just starts talking about old, like, NBL, like his shuffle defence or whatever of Andrew Gaze hitting a free throw

to win the NBL thing. And when people stop paying attention, Nick walks up and just goes, guys, this is fucking Lindsay Gaze. Yeah, but I think you just make it as simple as you just undercover camera, Lindsay and I sitting in a cafe that may or may not sell rubber ducks. We're sitting there. When the guy brings over our coffees, if he just puts the coffees down, I go, hey, mate, that's fucking Lindsay Gaze right there.

If you can get Lindsay Gaze. Just a word or maybe like a free coffee or something. If you can get Lindsay Gaze Just a word or maybe like a free coffee or something If you can get Lindsay Gaze swindled into being given a rubber duck Then you've got, that's the ultimate That's the crossover See, I don't feel comfortable pushing Lindsay into that scenario He's 80 years old I don't think, Lindsay will come out just loaded with fucking rubber ducks

It's a legend of Australian NBL Yeah, loaded at my cost um that is but surely being a parent like you would be so infuriated by you having to get a rubber duck for your kid i would say i i would have you had anything like that happen where you've been swindled just by being a parent like what's the worst one that's happened to you but you always have to play the skill testers and stuff because as i say because i'm you know i tend to keep to myself i don't put myself in a situation but the carnies absolutely when we went to the show it's just like you're walking up it's stuff it's stuff like milo gets to throw a bottle cap on the ground for ten dollars and lose are you sure that was actually someone working at the show it's pretty pretty close. That does sound like a lot of fun, though.

You know what one of them was? They're standing there with a deck of cards. You pay $2, you get two cards. You pay $5, you get four cards. You pay $10, you get eight cards. And if you can make the number 21 with your cards, you get a giant bear. But if you can't make the number 21...

Is this a show or Las Vegas? Yeah. That's not fun for Milo to give him a bunch of cards and you can't make the number 21... Is this a show or Las Vegas? Yeah. I'm going, that's not fun for Milo to give him a bunch of cards and go, now make the number 21. Oh, I can't. You lose. It's a fucking horrible affront. Can we go back to throwing the bottle cap on the ground again?

But you get your very... Because you are very affectionate and wanting to bear good dad stuff, you often get trapped in the skill tester games and him trying to win something. Yeah, I mean the skill testers, that's not a person doing it to you, but the skill testers. Because the worst is he'll see some bogan kid who spends every day at the skill tester just going, how easy is this? Soft toy after soft toy.

So we try it. And when I go, you can't beat these things Marlon's going of course you can look at old is that like one of those three card Monty like set ups on the streets

of New York you reckon the kid is actually that's winning all the stuff yeah maybe those bottle caps

don't even properly go on the ground that's bullshit mate a bottle cap doesn't properly go on the ground I like that you can't it's a fake bit of ground that it goes on there's no way to win that game you just throw the bottle cap doesn't properly go on the ground I like that You can't

It's a fake bit of ground that it goes on There's no way to win that game You just throw the bottle cap on the ground Nah, it's on the ground, mate You lose But that's Oh, you got me Yeah, that's right

I am just On that sort of stuff I went to I was walking past a garage sale the other day And I bought I bought the home improvement board game For a dollar And I was walking past a garage sale the other day and I bought the Home Improvement board game for a dollar. And I was psyched about it, but also I just bought it because it was a dollar, even though I got it going, this is going to be, you know,

shit will be missing. And then I opened it up and it's perfect. Everything is there and it's in pristine condition. And it just actually made me kind of sad just thinking about the kid who was the previous owner of this game with this just dominating parent who's like every time they play, like, no, you've got to fucking put all the cards in the right order. It just speaks to a very unhappy childhood.

It sort of really saddened me. I saw it the other way that the kid was given it and just fucking hated Home Improvement and just went, I'm never going to play it. That was my sort of sad take. There is no such kid like that who hates Home Improvement. He was holding out for the home version of Third Rock from the Sun and he just got very pissed off. How do they do, who's the guy that's over the fence in Full Head?

Wilson. Wilson. Is Wilson a part of the board game? Not really. I haven't played it yet, but I've had a look through it. See, no one plays this game. It's bizarre, though. Like, it's a very – I can see why it's – but anyway,

like it's kind of got like a – it's a guest version of the community chest or whatever where, you know, you draw a card out. There's like two different – Do you have to build a hot rod by the end of it? No, it's like – Do you have to stick an engine to the board game by the end of it? That's why it's so hard to play. There must be a button that makes a hog noise or whatever.

No, that is a massive oversight. The whole thing's an oversight. It doesn't have a single plot point. Your purchase of it is an oversight. Do you have to give birth to three attractive sons that then get really ugly when they're older? Which assistant is in the game? Is it Pamela Anderson or is it the next one?

There's a little token for Jonathan Taylor Thomas and halfway through, you kind of go off the board into a separate board game that's the I'll be home in time for Christmas board game that you're going around the edge of. But there's a trivia question. There's a deck of cards that's trivia questions and you'd think, oh, they're trivia questions about the show. But what's like a trivia question. There's like a deck of cards that's trivia questions

and you'd think, oh, they're trivia questions about the show. But what they actually are is they're trivia questions about actual home improvement. So it's like, this is a board game for kids by the way. And like the questions are like okay, for 10 points what is the best kind of

ratchet to use? But it's really specific. In order to fix a broken wit, like it's all very, very specific home repairs questions. And it just seems like it's designed by like this dad who just hates playing games with his kids. He's like, it's all fucking luck of the draw and it's bullshit and the kids always beat me.

I'm going to fucking write some questions that I know. It was a horribly designed game, the most boring game of all time and it just sat in someone's recesses of their workshop for 10 years and then the show

Home Improvement came along and they went oh yes Photoshop Tim Allen on the front of this piece of shit and sent it out the door

that theory of that is a good friend of ours whose idea for to do trot fest films you know each year you have to put like an umbrella in it for a golf club. His idea was to just shoot a giant pile of random things so that every year

you could keep entering it and hope there was an umbrella in it or hope there was a... It should really, I mean would Tropfest ever do something like cock and balls is the thing I think they did I think they did sex one year Did Manifest ever do something like cock and balls is the thing? That would be good.

I think they did sex one year. I think there was like the theme was sex. That's not what I mean. So did your friend film like a bunch of umbrellas and beach balls and then two guys just going at it? Yeah, they're on top of the pond. Delicately balanced on top of the pond. Yeah. So are you going to play?

So, sorry, does this game have any link to the show? Does it have Tim Allen on the box or anything? Not really. It's like the setup is you're just you and you're fixing up your home but using the help of Tim's Tool Time show. Oh, okay. So you're using your Binford tools and you're getting advice from Tim. And were you going to play this as like a drinking game or you just wanted to have it?

It was $1 and so I just went. You had an itchy pocket. And I just thought I'm going to play this all the time now and still haven't played it. We should do an episode of this show where we play it live on air. Not at all. Why is your head doing that? I won't do that. I feel like I'm too old now to do this, and I've never done it or understood it,

but now being bored in my entire life, I feel like drinking games make sense. Because that's like I'm bored. I can't think of an idea. But if you said to me now, hey, before you go home, what do you say we drink, like you have to drink five or six beers and a few shots and we'll just play this fucking dumb game? I'd go yeah

because it's an excuse to drink but i go the other way i think it's in any an impairment on drinking like when someone goes i'll put this movie on and every time someone says fuck you have a sip of your beer it's like can't we just watch something good and i'll just sit and drink at a normal pace while that's happening i've never i've never gotten No, we don't have to do speed with my one. We'll just... Yours was just we play a game where I have five beers and some shots and then we play a game and then I drive home to my son. Yeah, your idea was I'll get all his alcohol and you work out the rest.

And then there's a special bonus round where I get pulled over by a booze bus on the way home. Sweet game So this is what I was trying to get to Right at the start of the episode But with You guys It's been daunting

Because you've had a laptop up the whole time And we're having a conversation Every now and then I see you looking at your laptop I'm like Is this their shtick That Carl just answers emails Pretty much Yeah yeah pretty much

No that's not what happens at all Or have you got an Excel spreadsheet For who's talking when No No no I've just got a few ideas Because otherwise I'll forget You know the crazy sort of adventures

That I get up to during the week You know you've got to How do you do it? Yeah yeah How do you do it? We've Well can I say this Two things I wanted to say

Coming on this podcast We've both We've been on the show before Separately Yes Yes Second thing I wanted to say second thing i want to say some sweet inside info and that's good you know stuff that we didn't know before you told us so

do you this is a question for carl or as i found out from tommy when i arrived you refer to yourself apparently as the chan man well which I think is quite Asian of you no look I was referred to as that quite a bit and then I've given up and ironically started calling myself the Chan man and then people going what do you call yourself that I'm like I was foisted upon me and I'm just playing with it okay well I wanted to ask the Chan man and this is a statement for show possibly ask the Chan man do you ever just take the car you got a car yeah you ever take the car out? You got a car?

Yeah. You ever take the car out and just go, I'm going to have a bit of a drive on the Chandler Highway? I don't do that. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Good two points.

We've been on the show before. We knew that. And the most horrible thing of, it's like me saying to you, Nick Maxwell, hey, did you know there's a football player called Nick Maxwell? Here we go. Have you heard that one before? Here we go. Love it.

Anyway, what are you going to get to? Because it's almost time for you to go to bed and then get up five minutes later and go to the party. It's almost time for me to get into my silky PJs. Now, quite a while ago, listeners to this show know that Tommy Daslow, my co-host, my lovely co-host in the gift shop over there to my left, he gave out my phone number on the podcast. People have not entirely used that information to send me compliments. There's been a lot of – since we brought up recently, like it happened a lot about a year ago. Since we brought it up, like I really shouldn't be bringing it up

because it's reawoken the idea to a lot of people. It's given the idea to a lot of new listeners and I've been copying it pretty flat out ever since. Just a lot of people ringing up and hanging up, a lot of text messages, just a lot of weird prank calls in their way of showing their appreciation for this free podcast that they get every week. It's just me being rang up in the middle of the night and going,

is this – fuck you. Click, bang, the end. So I have got – Keep it up, guys, by the way. Excellent work. No, don't do that, please. And I shouldn't be encouraging it, but I just thought it's worth documenting what's been happening this week,

which is I've been signed up for a lot of things this week. My email address has gotten out. Your email address as well as your phone number. Yeah, yeah. I think it's because we've got a live show coming up and I put as the contact point, because I was creating the thing for it, you've got to put a contact thing.

I didn't realise it was going to sort of go on there. So it's come up. They've used my number and the email address and people are just ringing up you know saying you know how you you know want aluminum siding and me going not really that's not that's not me i'm sorry and it's such a weird thing because there'll be quite specific obscure things it's not just like hey the um he you know you rang up wanting a um bloody membership in the dickhead factory. Was this you? It's like, no, that's not me. It's like this really weird stuff about a potted plant fucking nursery. It's like, oh, did you want to come and get your fern?

No. It's just a weird prank. I don't know why they're doing it. So anyway, I was on a jog the other day. I was jogging and I had my iPhone as my iPod. It's playing. Phone starts ringing and I think, you know what, this looks like it could be a business call, I'm going to take it.

So I take it as I'm jogging. So I'm actually thinking, I'm pretty fit, it probably doesn't come out too well that I'm puffing or anything like that. So I take the call, I'm like, hey, Carl, speaking and they go, okay, this is the, what are they called, the Impotency Clinic of Melbourne. You've been ringing up. You wanted some information on, you know, lack of erections and stuff. And I'm like, no, not really. I don't.

You wanted information on lack of erections. I'm not getting boners anymore. What do you reckon that means, guys? Yeah, well, so I'm running and they're going and I'm saying, look, it's not real. And they go, and they're clearly, and I'm saying, look, it's not really, and they go, and they're clearly trained for people to feel a bit weird as they're getting called back.

And they're like, anyway, look, and I'm saying, no, it's not really like, yeah, yeah, yeah, anyway. So this is what you need to do. Just come in and we'll talk to you. It'd be very sensitive. I'm like, no, man, I just want to, and they're like, yeah, yeah, it's cool. Don't worry. And they just kept saying no matter what.

And the longer it went, the more I'm puffing. So on their end, they're ringing up a guy that can't get it up anymore and i'm answering going no it's fine no it's all right it's all right and they're like oh this guy's in big trouble we just better press on and give you more and more and i'm like oh really i'm and then it sort of feels like i'm just working away on your cock in there yeah mate. Yeah. Oh, it's all right. I won't get up. Or I'm just running away from my problems. Just like going, no, it's fine. I'm going to find a new house and new friends and a new girlfriend.

So there was that. And then there's also – so I've been copying a lot of that. A lot of people just ring up, whatever, and blocking their phone number so I don't get to know who it is and not returning. Yeah, yeah. Classic trick. So then I got a phone call just the other day, which was their number came up. So I'm like, sweet, this is probably someone else because all the other people block their

phone numbers. So I got this. A girl rang up and went, hi, it's Trina from Victoria McDonald's. We've been hearing you talk a lot about our company on your show which we do and we wanted to offer you the sponsorship we wanted to give you money to keep talking about McDonald's on the show and you can talk about shaker fries

and we will pony up the dollars and it's all going to work out great for both of us and whatever I'm like you know respect I said clearly I haven't fallen for this but that's great that you've actually not just you know sneezed into the phone and hung up or whatever that's great and she's really put in a big effort and she sold it she sold it but then an episode came out and then i get the angry text message after that going what the fuck i gave you all that effort of pretending to be from mcdonald's

and i don't even get a mention on the show like i waste your time where's me you know where's me for half an hour on the show I'm like that's the new breed of prank calls where I'm not just being disrupted I'm being heckled for then not using it as content but this is the problem with fame Carl this is what happens she's got a connection with

you that's greater than you have considered and she's going she's really given you something there. And you're just going, fucking hell, mate. Well, ironically, she'll be happy now because now we are talking about it. Yeah, so she has got a thing. Yeah. Can I say to her and anyone else, my idea, and I know it's a bit obvious,

but I would put the number in the public toilet. No. Don't you think that's a good one? No, don't do that. It's kind of going backwards from what I've done, though. the public toilet. No. Don't you think that's a good one? No, don't do that. It's kind of going backwards from what I've done, though. Yeah. Oh, right.

That's old school. This podcast is like the public toilet of the internet. Yeah, yeah. There's your quote for your podcast. The public toilet. A quote that one of us said. Yeah, yeah, that's right. That's right.

Yeah. Or, yeah, if you're going to write on a toilet wall, put, I got this number off the internet. No, I got this number off a podcast and put it in a public toilet. That's a... Do people still do ring a root? Because they were very... Because people would put ring a root and put a number.

But this is in the days of landlines. Yeah. So, invariably, it would be like someone's parent having to answer it. Like, it would very rarely go specifically to the person that it was written for. Yeah, yeah. I would just like – I'd like to hear you document those calls though.

I know it's going backwards but if you've got people ringing up and there's a specific thing that they were calling for, I'd like to hear those calls. That's illegal, isn't it? I seem to remember some people getting in a lot of trouble for this recently. If it was on a message, I reckon you'd be alright if you just had people leave messages. So if it was

ring a root, leave a message in brackets, then I think you'd be okay. I can actually see... If on the toilet wall it says leave a message, we're legally covered. Is that what you're saying? That's right. I'm pretty sure that that's a cover all.

Well, that's what I said. One person rang me. Or have a stat deck form that people can peel off that they then sign. That's a release. Have a second toilet paper roll that's like one to wipe your ass and one to pull off documents. One is clearance forms for the phone calls. You're fine. I'm going to write your number on the back of a toilet wall

that just says, call this number. I put dicks and assholes into my mouth. Give me a call for all your needs. I'll take you on a proper urban camp. Guys, I reckon that's... Did you have anything else? No. All I was going to say was I got a call this week

where I had my fill of people just ringing up and hanging up or just ringing up and going and me going i just said look from now on i don't want i said mate oh you've got 24 hours you've rung up and you've gone that's what you've had you've got my number you've had time to to to script something give me something don't you know i've got a podcast to fill up i've got to talk about stuff on a podcast give me something. I've got a podcast to fill up. I've got to talk about stuff on a podcast. Give me something. Someone's pretending to be the CEO of McDonald's. Script something. If you're going to ring up, don't just ring up and go, so you're saying all this in the middle of the night.

This is straight out of bloody network. Yeah, it is. It's not me saying, stop ringing me up. It's me going, give me something good if you're going to fucking wake me up in the middle of the night. At 8.36. Harley's waiting for me. Yeah, I've got a 15-minute walk to the Glenferry Hotel.

Give me something to think about. And that's the end. Okay. Now I can say this, guys. That is all the time we have on the Little Dumb Dumb Club for today. Nick Maxwell, Declan Fay, thank you very much for joining us. Thank you for having me. I've really enjoyed this

conversation. It's been so scintillating. I'm glad. I'm getting a lot of compliments on my conversation these days. This is great. I feel really good about myself. Guys, for anyone who listens to this show who doesn't listen to your podcast, which I imagine is rare, but there might be a couple out there, check out The Sweetest Plum. Do. It's on iTunes.

Your website is? TheSweetestPlum.com.au. Wow. What's it like having a website like that? Do you not have one? No. Sorry, I said that. I said, do you not have one? We also have NZ as well.

Oh, really? Big and NZ. No, we don't. What a great question. What's it like having a website? It's actually really cool. It's amazing. We've also got EDU, and so that's where we get some really interesting stuff

Gov, you got Gov Guys, we've got the live birthday show coming up November the 24th Upstairs at Five Burrows tinyurl.com slash dumdumbbirthday is where you can get tickets 5pm

Also, I am doing a one-off show in Adelaide It is on December the 3rd. It's at 7pm at the Crown and Anchor Hotel. I'm doing a one-off show in Adelaide called Carl Chandler Has Literally 1.5 Million Jokes. It's a show that I did in Melbourne and Sydney and Brisbane and Perth. So, Adelaide, it's your turn to come and yell shit at me.

Yeah, awesome. I'm selling rubber ducks, 20 bucks a pop if you want one of them. Thanks very much for listening, guys, and we'll see you next time. See you, mates.