The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 165 - Claire Hooper & Rhys Nicholson

Episode Date: December 3, 2013

Unsalted Peanuts, Harry Hammer and The 12 Days of Chandler.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey mates, thanks to everyone who came down to our live third birthday show recently in Melbourne. It was a great time and if you want to hear it, you can hear it right now through our bandcamp site, thelittledumbdumbclub.bandcamp.com. Carl, who was there? Who are they going to hear if they get this episode? On our third birthday show, who did we have? We had Michelle Laurie, we had Adam Richard, we had a little bloke you may know called Luca McGregor, we had a very special other you may know called Luca McGregor. Yes. We had a very special other little musical guest as well.

We had Josh Earle doing the Rad Dad theme live, and we did a live rendition of Rad Dad. It was the most guests we've ever had in a Rad Dad. It was something of a Rad Dad epic adventure. That's it. So, yeah, thelittledumbdumbclub.bandcamp.com. If you go on there, you can get it for free if you want Or you can pay for it

It's your little chance if you didn't come along If you came along, sure, grab it for free If you didn't come along, hey, it's your chance to kick in And chuck us a little something Something to, you know Make it worth our while to keep chucking up these episodes We don't ask for much It's a really fun episode

You're going to enjoy listening to it. So, yeah, one more time, thelittledumbdumbclub.bandcamp.com or just through our website, littledumbdumbclub.com. Hey, mates, welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo and sitting opposite me, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. What's going on in your life, little mate?

Hey, well, here's a little bit of a callback from quite a while ago. I think we talked about this. Yes, not a call forward from something that hasn't happened yet. The Justin Hamilton and Charlie Pickering episode, I think we talked about how I got a prestigious invite to go and do a backyard gig. I think that's what we talked about. So that came up again,

the young gentleman that organises this backyard gig where you sort of perform underneath a clothesline with a tarp chucked over the top of it. And I was getting updates about the organisation of this from you kind of every time I saw you. There was some new detail added in about what time of night you were performing. Yes. And I think you got emailed into it, I think, with about two hours to go, going, oh, if

you want to come along and perform. Yeah, I got that with two hours to go and with no address. So no details whatsoever. Yes. So, yeah, look, the guy that runs it um is a listener on the show and it's a you know it's a fun little thing or whatever but like performer wise it's an odd very odd setup and i went out there just for a bit of a perverse look at like what what what was gonna happen and and my favorite australian band of all time that's the thing that

got me over the line were performing performing as well, The Foes. And I absolutely loved them. So I thought, well, if they've got suckered into it, I'll go out there. And it was about, you know, what you'd probably think for a backyard gig. There was a lot of people. There was probably about 40 people there.

And I thought, this is pretty good. Until I realised that I think the organiser had just put it on couch surface or something. So there was like 25 Belgian backpackers there that didn't speak English, that weren't looking or listening at all. They were just entranced by the fire up the back paddock so they were just up there and so no one was watching the performance or whatever and i sort of during the night i sort of went oh i'm not i i think i've i think i can't make

this gig i don't think i'm gonna do it so i didn't perform oh didn't you no because i was because i looked at when i did get the address i looked up and it was actually not that far from my house and i wasn't doing anything and i was contemplating going down to watch this unfold yeah but then i had to make the call of would it be better to see it now or to hear about it down the line on the podcast sure i'm feeling like i made the right call yes well there was a few friends of the show out there one one of the guys that actually did perform was um dillrock jay singhan that has been on the show before and friends of the show out there. One of the guys that actually did perform was Dilrock, Jay Singham, that has been on the show before.

And I think that's what put it out of my mind that I was going to perform. I think I cancelled when he was on and then afterwards I got a glimpse into the sort of audience members there. This woman was just sitting there chewing Dilrock's ear off going, yeah, it must be tough. Like tough gig, isn't it? Like some gigs are really tough and, yeah it must be tough like tough gig isn't it like some gigs are really tough and you know this is a tough gig like i'd just imagine this would be a tough gig yeah yeah i mean i mean i was heckling you but i didn't even know why so wow so that was the moment that you went i'm not gonna do this yeah yeah if you're gonna if there's people there that

are interrupting with no idea why they're doing it, I'm like, well, that's probably not the ideal setup for comedy. I like you as a bloke that runs gigs and knows the stress involved. Then switching hats as the performer, I'm perfectly happy to turn up to someone else's gig and at the last minute go, nah, I'm not going on. Having said that, I think I was due to go on, well, not on stage. I think I was due to go under the clothesline at about 11, at about 11.45.

I'm like, I don't reckon they're going to miss five minutes of the Chan Man at that time. Oh man. This is devastating. I wish you'd done it. No.

I wish you'd done it. No. Yeah. No, I don't think they missed. I think they were pretty happy. I think there was still like three or four acts

to go at that time of night. If you'd been on, I reckon that woman would have known why she was heckling. Yeah. It's a very clear reason. I would go at that time of night. If you'd been on, I reckon that woman would have known why she was heckling. There would have been some very clear reasons. I would have given her plenty of excuse. Well, today on the show, two great guests for you.

First of all, this guy, it's his first time on the show. He has bounced back from a lifetime ban that we imposed on him several months ago. Yeah, we did. Please welcome into Little Dumb Dumb Club, Rhys Nicholson. I believe you were banned for you made fun of Dan Illick for wearing a... Yeah, but no one hasn't done that. Surely.

A lot of people would get banned. Dan would be banned. I think Rhys is one of these people that say, like, we'll get a few people that say, oh yeah, yours is the only podcast I listen to. Like, I'd love to be on it because I actually listen to it. And then you've said that before and then just before the show, Rhys goes so what happens? We don't talk while you guys

are talking at the start? Or what happens? For what we don't talk at the start. It was more like, I know how it works I'm just trying to fix it. It was more incredulousness. Why would we invite ourselves around to one of the people on the show's house and then just talk to each other for 10 minutes?

That's pretty much what has been happening. Also, returning to the show and returning the podcast to her house, please welcome back into the Little Dumb Dumb Club, Claire Hooper. Yay! Hello. We're in the lounge instead of the dodgy sunroom today. That's nice, isn't it? And you've given us fair trade chocolates.

This is the best podcast ever. No, I just feel really terrible because I know Tommy Desolo has very refined taste. So I'm just sorry it wasn't like chips. Does he? Or, no, like it's in. In like a, you like refined sugars. He likes kids party food. Oh, you're right.

That's not refined. Why is that refined? That was, I was being sarcastic. Oh, okay. I get comedy. It isn't refined just like you've whittled down into a specific area. So it's like refined doesn't need to mean like fancy or good. You're right.

Like it generally does. People use it in that way. But you were right, Tommy Daslow. It could fully mean that you have – it could just mean niche. Tommy Daslow has niche taste in that he likes grain waves and chicken McNuggets, please. He has refined taste in that he only likes shit stuff. You're a trans fat connoisseur. I'm here, guys.

I'm sitting right here. Yeah, no, I'm a connoisseur. Fair trade chocolate. Not for me. And are they salted or unsalted peanuts? I'm really sorry. They're unsalted because, look, I neglected to cater for you guys, but I'm getting the vibe that nobody's ever catered for you before.

Exactly. I don't know why I was all like, oh, God, what's in the cupboard? Oh, these peanuts that were for a Thai peanut salad. And that's why they don't have salad on them. A Thai peanut salad? You know when you make an Asian coleslaw and you put some peanuts on top? Nope. You lost me at you know when you make.

Wow. I'm giving the wrong impression of myself entirely because my husband does all the cooking and that was like this thing where, because I'm expecting a child. People don't say that on the Dumb Time podcast very often. I was going to say, you are the first pregnant person on our podcast.

Not just expecting a child. Yeah, that's right. Having said that, I think we've had people with bigger stomachs on our show than you, including me and Tommy when we come back from America. You charmers. Yeah, no, I was just attempting to make some. Look, the peanuts are still there, so you can see how well that cooking experiment went.

I'm not a peanut fan, but I am a chocolate fan. This will be done by the time we finish this episode. Oh, no, that's good. You have it all. I will. You deserve it all. I will. You deserve it. I've been putting some peanuts and some chocolate in my mouth and making in-house Snickers.

Ooh. Like that? Yeah. I like that a lot. Rhys knows how to work shit in his mouth. Yeah. How dare you? What is it?

The Cold Rock Creamery? When they get two perfectly good things and mush it together to make shit. Yeah. Yeah. I don't get these people who have their gummy bears in their ice cream. No, I was about to talk up for gummy bears. Really?

They go hard. Nah, yuck. Not for me. No, thank you. They'll put Kit Kats or Smarties or sprinkles or whatever it is into ice cream and ruin both ingredients. Yeah. Interestingly you should say that because people are quite excited about combining ingredients but I'm with you, Carl. I mean, I like to eat things separately. Yeah. Yeah. That's interesting that you should say that because people are quite excited about combining ingredients, but I'm with you, Carl.

I mean, like when I, I like to eat things separately. Yeah. Yeah. So if, I mean, I'm almost like a pick the stuff out of the ice cream. Yes. And then eat the ice cream afterwards kind of guy. I don't even like chocolate chip ice cream. Oh, what?

Yeah. Wow. No, that's too far. That's gone too far. I need consistency in my food, in my dairy products. I don't want to – I'm going smooth, hard. Oh, why is there a hard bit in there? Yeah, that bothers me.

But cookies isn't – that's not too much of a – like, chips aren't like – that's not too much of a different texture. Well, I think it is. You're a culinary autistic. Yeah. I've got refined taste. I don't get these like when you go to – like, it's stressful for me when you go to like trampoline or whatever and you get two scoops and you're picking two separate flavours

and it's not just about what two flavours do you want. You've got to think about it because there's going to be – There's going to be that blend moment. There's going to be a crossover in the middle. And I got one last – I got a combo the other day that was like I got midway through and went, oh, what have I done? Like it was just a horrific clash of flavours. You've just got to close your eyes and lick hard.

Get through that bit. Again, how dare you? How dare you? I feel like you're making this a niche podcast specifically for Rhys. Yeah, you're making it. You're giving him set-up lines every two seconds. I've been staying in your house for a couple of days

and I'm like osmosis filthing you. Can I just say how pleasant it is to have Rhys in the house? Because he'll leave his spare bedroom door open um and just anytime you walk past it's as though he has been waiting for you to walk past for hours he will just be in a pose grinning at you and it's such a joy like i've never i've never once caught him unawares is he would you say he's always on? I would almost say I'm always off, actually. Like a young Robin Williams, would you say? Just as much drug abuse.

I mean, I know it's the technicality, but I would say never off. Oh, right. He's never off. Is this a deliberate thing, the whole walking past the bedroom? Yes, it is. I like to have little tableaus going in our house. Yeah, no, I like that. My poor boyfriend or everyone that lives in our house,

I'm constantly like just, I'll put on a wig and walk into the lounge room. Like, how do we feel about this wig? No backstory to the wig. No, just like, here I am in this wig. I think it would be weirder if you had a backstory for a wig. Just walking into a room. Now, I know what you're all thinking.

I can explain this. The year was 1943. Yeah, we get it. You've got nylon in your head. walking into a room. Now, I know what you're all thinking. I can explain this. The year was 1943. Yeah. Yeah. We get it. You've got nylon in your head. Now, what I am very impressed with is Claire Hooper. You came to our show on the weekend.

We had our live third birthday show. Now, usually we are scrambling to find guests and beg people to come on the show and convince people. You bought tickets. You paid money to come and watch to come on the show and convince people, you bought tickets. You paid money to come and watch our show on the weekend. What? That's only fair. That's not an insult. I'm not having a go.

I'm sorry if I phrased that. But you've made it sound like one. I apologise for my tone or whatever that was. I'm more amazed. I'm a bit like, you know, it's like when something happens, you go, fuck. It's like, oh, no, that was something good. Yeah, right.

Okay. So, all right. It's a thank you. Oh, that's nice. And it's a measure of how nice of a person you are that you didn't need to pay. Oh, yeah, but the room was full. So, you don't want to be a non-payer. Unlike maybe someone else.

I just wandered in there. I just mowed it in before the show started. He doesn't take up much room. He just... He'll slip into a space of any size. I sat in the vent. I just watched down from... I just think it's disgraceful that you only bought one ticket

when you are pregnant. You are watching podcasting. You are podcasting for two, yes. But to be fair, I did buy two tickets and my husband turned up too late to get in. So I was going to be out of here. All right. Still legit. So shout out to the youngest ticket holder ever of the Little Dumb Dumb Club.

Tommy Dazzler. Oh, shit. Are we getting into baby names quite yet? Oh, yeah. Do you want to know the current favourite name? Yes please I actually have a really strong suspicion it's a girl, we don't know But we do have a boy's name locked in

Because a large group of people were in this very lounge room recently And everybody was very enthusiastic about the name Buck Buck? Buck, right? Like, you know, Uncle Buck You're just naming You're going to name your baby After very popular

Saturday night Channel 10 movies Because I've got one Possible name for you Back to the future 3 Well no look It's Buck But if it's a girl

It's Beverly Hills Cop 2 Because Imagine if you were a boy With that name That would be embarrassing Anyway Waito My husband Doesn't have the same last name because imagine if you were a boy with that name that'd be embarrassing anyway um Wado

my husband doesn't have the same last name as me um and his last name he dibs that's a good thing by the way

when we first well it's good that I didn't take it oh right yeah didn't make sense for me yeah and um he when we got married

he bags future children naming rights and at the time I was like well that's never gonna you know like it just felt too far in the future to When we got married, he bags future children naming rights. And at the time, I was like, well, that's never going to... You know, like, it just felt too far in the future to be worried about. But his last name is Duffin. And I challenge you to put a name with Duffin that sounds... You know, like, it's actually quite a hard... Yeah, Wade Duffin, for example.

That's shit. Claire Duffin. Well, Claire Duffin didn't work for me. Hooper. Hooper's much better than Duffin. Hooper works, right? Yeah, well, do you get rid of that? I've been it for ages.

I'm stuck with Hooper. Buck Hooper sounds like a... Buck Hooper. He produces movies. Yes. In old Hollywood. So what I'm saying is when you put Buck with Duffin, suddenly you've got an astronaut or a baseball player

or you've got a bushranger. Like Buck Duffin. I think you've got a children's book star. Like, you know, it's the new Harry Potter. Buck Duffin and the trouble of having a shit name. Well, no, I mean, it is really difficult because Buck is one of those names where 50% of the people that you tell the name to are going to go, you wankers.

And then the other 50 are going to be like, eh. It's hilarious. It does sound like a bit of a parody name going to be like, eh. It's hilarious. It does sound like a bit of a parody name because Buck is like, yeah, that's cool. But then Buck plus Duffin, that's a made up name. It's such an American sounding name that if you do go with that, the kids should almost just get a green card to the States immediately upon birth. It should be based on name, not anything else. Completely agreed, Tommy Dasolo.

I think people will say, is that your real name? Yeah duffin sounds like a stage name yeah and it's a great angry name as well like buck duffin you get in here right now yeah it sounds like a nearly like a porn name like you go buck duffin oh no that doesn't mean anything oh okay yeah yeah all right well it's got implied innuendo the good news is that my um affection for the name is wearing off as we speak So probably not Bug Duffin But we've shared likes in, we both like old Hollywood lady names So you think it's a girl? Old Hollywood lady names are great

I like Ava, I would like to have a daughter called Ava Oh yeah Ava, or what would you like? Well what else would we be talking, oh look totally, I totally got it Gertie Gertie? Gertie's a great name. Gertie Duffin. Yeah.

Gertie. I like... You know what? I'd like to see Gene because people haven't been bold enough to bring back that particular Nana name yet. Yeah. Well, Mad Men has the son's name as Gene. Oh, well, G-E-N-E.

Yeah. I'm thinking of the J-E-A-N. Yeah. I think all you need is a couple of really hot Hollywood starlets to start having those names. Yeah. And it's back in the game. Yeah.

Margie. If someone's a nine and a half out of ten that comes out in some new movie and her name's Agnes, it's like, Agnes is a sexy name now. That's it. Yeah. My grandparents have pretty old school names. Sheila and Garnet. Garnet?

Garnet. Haggard's Garnet. That's excellent. Sheila is a terrible name for your grandad Yes Garnet is like on a monopia That's amazing That's like the male version of Ruby

I suppose You know like as in red coloured Ruby Bring Ruby back Yeah Ruby's a nice one No I've got a hot tip for you Ruby is back man

Oh it's back Yeah It's all over daycare at the moment Oh really Yeah I didn't even know. Before you said that, if you said to me, what is a garnet, I wouldn't have picked a name.

I would have picked a rock. But it is a rock. But that's why it is a rock. Oh, is it? It's one of those rocks that people have adopted for baby names. You know, like you see... Well, you see babies called Ruby. Boulder.

Do people call each other... Is there a Sapphire? Can you call a baby Sapphire? Just strippers. It's pretty see bait is called ruby. Boulder. Do people call each other... Is there a sapphire? Can you call a baby sapphire? Just strippers. It's pretty bogan. Saffy? I don't know, saffron. But yeah, garnet was a rock before it was a name, wasn't it?

Maybe. I think so. So what? They named the rock... Yeah, no, a person called garnet found the rock. Yeah, I hope it wasn't the other way around where someone was called garnet and then someone just goes,

hey, that stone reminds me of your head so that's that's called you now that's you that's you that's um yeah what about rock as a name oh i love it is it rocky rocky rock yeah i really do i do love it i feel like i feel like when it comes to rock though you really just need to start with a regular name and just pick it as the nickname. Yeah. Because it's so unconventional as a name. Right.

Rocky Duffin. Like I'm a little bit of... Rocky Hooper. I have a lot of friends who've named... I don't have that many friends that have had babies. But you know, I've known a lot of people that'll go straight to calling their kid Chuck or calling their kid Betty or something. And I'm like, oh, I feel like on the birth certificate it should be Elizabeth. And then you pick Betty as your chosen.

You have the call, yes. My best friend Drew, he's Drew on his birth certificate. It's like I was thought it was short for Andrew. But you feel like it should be Andrew on the birth certificate. Yeah, you have the choice. I feel like it should be Betty on his. Well, at our birthday show on Sunday, your husband Wade came up to me and I hadn't seen him for a little while.

And he was like, oh, how's things? And I was like, hey, good, man. And he goes, how's your girlfriend? And I'm like, hey, good, man. And he goes, how's your girlfriend? And I'm like, yeah, it's good, you know, just hanging out. And he goes, you guys got any plans to get married or anything like that? Is that the thing you're talking about? I'm like, man, we've, you know, gotten into the hard chats pretty quickly. Is that the thing, the one and all in where it's like,

oh, if I have to do it, then you have to do it as well. Maybe, yeah. Maybe from another person, but we know Wade. Wade would have just been trying to watch Tommy Sweat. Yeah, that's exactly what happened. And then my girlfriend came over and I was like – Yeah. She's like, what are you guys talking about?

I'm like, oh, porno, nothing. But like I've done this to – like a mate of mine was doing this to me the other day going, you guys, bloody mark my words, next year you guys are getting married. I know it, mate. You're going to bloody get married. And I've done that to people as well. And it's such a weird thing that you do like kind of like hanging shit my words next year you guys are getting married i know i'm a you're gonna bloody get married and i've done that to people as well and it's such a weird thing that you do like oh kind of like

hanging shit about the idea of like getting mad it's such a weird just this impulse that i have with my mates once they've been in a relationship for three years i'm like you'll be bloody getting the ring out won't you make nothing more determined not to do something than somebody saying, mark my words. Yeah, yeah. That's when you're like, oh, you can fucking bet I will not. Yeah, yeah. You don't say. Yeah, I'm going to make my partner miserable just despite you.

Yeah. Well, it'd just be nice to have the option. You know? I wish I could take part in this conversation, but I think I'm legally not allowed to. Oh, boy. Let's go to camp. I sort of wish I was in your position.

Hey, you're totally welcome to get married you're just going to have to pick a nice young lady. Yeah, just play the game mate. Play the game.

The book the game? But is this weird like me and my girlfriend like you know we like not planning to get married or anything but we've got we've got our

we've got our first son name picked out. Oh no, really? Yeah, we've got one ready to go. Oh. Because we're just like joking. Buck Duffin?

Buck Duffin Allsop Dassolo. Well, this is the thing. So it's not legally Dassolo. No, no. So it's illegal. That's going to be a show title of mine though, Legally Dassolo. That's when I campaign for the law to be changed so that i can marry myself legally that's alone um you're not meant to everybody says oh don't tell people

what you want you because one of your friends will steal it and then you'll have a but tell us um for a boy that's that's the only one we've got what you won't have a girl? Like if there's a girl you'll just get... Have a look at it. There's no girl standing there. Rex. Oh yeah. Rex. Yeah, I like that. I can't pronounce it. Like the regional airline?

Yeah. That I've flown on once. Have you really? How did you get that? Yeah. A long time ago when my future was filled with opportunities

and... To be fair, when you're flying Rex I wouldn't have thought that's the case. That only means you're flying to Wodonga or something. No, it was regional South Australia. And it was one of the most terrifying plane experiences. And you thought, I want a newborn to remind me of this. The other one's called ANSET. ANSET.

ANSET, wasn't that a plane car? Yeah that's a plane That was a plane I'm sorry about that everyone No that's fine I enjoyed it This guy was born Three days ago

So he doesn't know I had a friend of mine A friend of mine at school His dad worked for Anset And then you know They went under And he like lost his job And then

Three seconds ago You'd never heard of Anset Now you've got a story about it Yeah No I got Anyway whatever The Matrix We were at So anyway Three seconds ago, you'd never heard of Ansett. Now you've got a story about it. Yeah, now you've got an anecdote. He's amazing. No, I got, I did, anyway, whatever. Like the Matrix.

We were at, so anyway, Ansett went under, my friend's dad lost his job, and then, like, two weeks later, a friend of ours had a costume party, and that friend of mine turned up, like, as a pilot, like, wearing his dad's pilot uniform, and, like, another friend of ours, like, didn't know that like his dad was like ah that's funny like all those dickheads that lost their job yeah you're shit look at this shit guy yeah he's come as an unemployed arsehole yeah and the friend of mine just starts weeping and runs out of the room uh it was a great moment in uh childhood bullying back before it was bullying when it was just having a laugh yeah just being mates yeah i didn't know you could be as a kid i

didn't know you could be a bully when you were the same age as someone. I thought it was just if you were older than someone. Oh, right. Oh, man, I got bullied by girls younger than me. Oh, really? Yeah, no, I was pretty proud of that. What did they do? This was yesterday.

Well, you know that the girl bullying can be really subtle. Like, it's more people going quiet when you walk by. Right. Yeah. Or not for everyone, but that's what it was like. Holy cow. You know, like I would find different routes to go around the school to avoid her because she was the long-term girlfriend

of my best friend's brother. What's her name, Claire? What's her name? Name and shame. Maybe it could be a good name for your kid oh look fair enough she felt sorry because i had quite a good relationship with her boyfriend um well this girl's world seems so complicated to me there's so much stuff so i think i mean i reckon um i didn't have really good insight into it at the time but

she was obviously kind of really threatened by it but fuck i was afraid of her so you like i you know she and her girlfriends would go quiet and shoot daggers at me whenever they saw me around school and i found that really terrifying like i would totally avoid them how much younger than you only one year oh okay but that's like a big but it's still a big deal you meant yeah you're meant to be bullied by people who um like how did how did i accept her as alpha dog when she's a year younger than me? You know, like, there's meant to be a clear hierarchy. Yeah, like, you're only up to the nine times table. I'm up to the 12.

How have you got any power over me? It's really weird. Because that's how they do it at school, in three increments. Yeah. Well, anyway, yeah. So, I've totally been bullied by younger. Did you ever get bullied, Tommy? Yeah, Desley, did you get?

Yeah. Today? Yeah. Apart from every episode of this podcast? Yeah, but, like, didn't everyone? That's true. Didn't everyone to some extent? Yeah, I feel like everyone did to some extent.

It just depends on your natural resilience, doesn't it? Also, the level of the bullying. I your natural resilience, doesn't it? Also, the level of the bullying. I mean, like, some of it's horrific. And then if it's just a girl shooting daggers at you, you're probably not going to go home in tears. Well, I don't know. Well, yeah.

Well, all right. I didn't. Yeah, right. And, you know, in the end, I passed her boyfriend. So, don't. Oh! So, you know she's telling this story completely differently Like she's saying, she's got this story about Oh I went to school with Claire Hooper and she got on with my boyfriend

And I used to stare at her when she walked by because I was so sad Going oh I can't believe you did that to me And you were going oh they're daggers She's messing the order of things She started the meanness So you hooked up with your boyfriend out of revenge? No not out of spite. I mean, it just ultimately happened.

How much younger? You may as well actually give her a reason. How much younger was the boyfriend? I don't even know that they were together when we hooked up. I can't even remember those details. This is high school, but I'm just saying that ultimately her fears were well-founded. Was he younger than you? Yes.

Really? Yeah, I'm a classic go-younger girl. My husband's three years younger. Is he younger than you? Yes. Really? What a legend. Oh, yeah. I'm a classic go younger girl. Wade, my husband's three years younger. Is he really? Yeah. I didn't know that. And I think I went 10 years younger once. Really?

Oh. What were the ages there happening? 20 and 30. Really? Yeah, that was right before I met Wado. Let's say it was, but anyway. No, it was. No, right.

Okay. Oh, no. Yeah, no, 29, 19. There you go. 19? Whatever. He'd grown up in the circus. You age faster then. Did you date an elephant?

Is that what you're trying to say? Just because I had a beard, that doesn't mean that was a man, by the way, in the circus. Wow, 19. Yeah. Did you and 20 other couples go on a date together and all cram into the one car? Were you performing at a blue light disco and you picked up there? What?

All right. I was momentarily performing in a circus show. That's where I met him. Nice guy. What did you do in a circus show. That's where I met him. Nice guy. What did you do in the circus? Oh, man. It was just the best thing ever. So I'm about to turn 30.

You hosed down the elephant piss? It was just a kid's circus show, right? And they had their full complement of talented performers. And they'd be doing MC Hammer dancing at a party or something. And they were like, you know, it would be really funny if we have actual acrobats and people that can do trapeze and stuff and then you do some hammer dancing at the end. And I did not question it fully.

I was like, well, that sounds like a great idea and a great use of my natural abilities. And I dressed up as a monkey and hammer danced at the end of a circus show. Yeah, as a monkey and hammer danced at the end of a circus show. Yeah, as a monkey. Why? Is this on your IMDb page? And what I want you to know is as a nearly 30-year-old woman dressed in a really ugly monkey suit hammer dancing for children,

I still managed to pick myself up. Was he one of the spectators? I got some magic. No, he was one of the spectators? I got some magic No he was one of the performers There is a bit of a crossover of comics doing like circus training And working in the circus and stuff like that Like there's a few Yeah because there's no money in comedy You know where the money is

The circus The old Ringley brothers and all that bunce they're holding on to Yeah there's a few people doing lovely crossover stuff Especially when you get to the Adelaide Fringe or whatever. You know, Asher Treleaven doing his comic strip and stuff. I know that's not circus exactly, but there's some really nice – there's some people doing some nice emerging of – We'll put that all in the box of weird other shit.

All right, yeah. And then there's some comics doing half comedy and half terrifying dramatic monologues at comedy nights or just bad comics. I feel like I have seen a lot of nervous breakdowns on stage in the last few weeks. Oh, really? Yeah, but, you know, like it's still,

you're getting some laughs out of it, but you still like, I really feel like I've seen some vulnerable moments in people's lives. I think it's just the time of year because to let people in a bit, it's like a couple of months away from festival time and so people are spending all day thinking,

yes, this is the 15-minute story for my festival show that is going to win me the Barry Award and then going along and it's not working, it's like, ah, fuck, back to the drawing board. Then I got on with this guy that was 10 years younger than me while I was dressed as a monkey and I was going, you can't touch this. No?

Oh, fuck everyone. Did you, was there a sexy version? When you see somebody doing stand-up comedy, you shouldn't see them, like, you shouldn't see them rubbing their eyes whilst on stage. No matter how good the jokes are. At this time of year, there's a lot of people ending their sets on, I'll probably leave it at that.

There's never a clear wrapper. I was at a gig last night. I think I heard, well, I'm just trying out new stuff. I think I might have heard that 12, 14 times last night. Yeah, I'm guilty of that. Sorry about that. I did a lot of that. You should just own it.

You shouldn't flag it, should you? It's such poor form to go, yeah, anyway, that was new, guys. Yeah. All right, bye. Every time you should just say, that is the best joke I've ever done. And move on. This is really, that was from 10 years ago. I always say to myself, you know what, I'm banning,

I'm not going to be one of those guys that goes, well, that'll get a punchline somewhere down the line. And then you're in that moment and you got nothing and it's like, what else can I do? I can, nothing else to say i went to an open mic show in new york at the ucb and it was like the one that starts at 11 o'clock yeah and this woman had like a beautiful meltdown on stage like a she walked up drunk she was probably about getting she was like 45 maybe 40 45 And just lost her mind over the course of the set until at the end she went,

you know what? I was a thing in the 90s. And this guy wants to write a book about New York comedy in the 90s and I think he wants to fuck me or some shit. And then fell, essentially fell off the stage. It made me feel good.

It made me feel real good. Yeah, that's good. There's a great story now. I don't know if I've told this on the podcast before. This is one of my favourite stories about stand-up was there was a girl that used to do stand-up when I first started that was very weird. I think I'm fine with saying she was very, very weird.

Sam Simmons. No. And she... I didn't see this set, but apparently she did a set where she got up and told, she'd have notes on stage, but she'd hold notes honestly like an inch from her face at all times and not look at the audience. Just have an A4 binder book, an inch, one inch from her face. Oh. With Alan Rayther?

No. It wasn't any of the people you're going to say. No, it wasn't any of the people you're going to say. So she was just reading out this incomprehensible material and not pausing for breath, not pausing for Rhys to suggest anyone, nothing like that. Oh, there's a clue. She wasn't pausing for you. So any suggestions?

Helen Raither again? No. So anyway, she did this joke and then it didn't get a laugh and she pulled a hammer out of her pocket and hit herself in the head with it. What? And then as everyone's going, I'm not sure if I saw the right thing then.

I may have imagined, am I watching TV or am I watching a cartoon or something? She went full barrel into the next joke, which of course no one's listening to that joke because they're still thinking, was that a hammer? Am I watching TV or am I watching a cartoon or something? She went full barrel into the next joke, which, of course, no one's listening to that joke because they're still thinking, was that a hammer in her head? And so she does that joke, and, of course, it gets nothing because no one's listened to it.

So she pulls out old Harry Hammer again, straight into the side of her head, and then everyone's still trying to figure out whether that first time was a hammer, and then going that's, at least that one was a hammer. I'm not sure about the first time, but the second time that was a hammer. And then she starts into the third joke and all I can imagine is like one of those big crooks coming off stage and like pulling her by the neck off. But apparently someone.

Gee, let me, let me guess what happens after the third joke. You've telegraphed it pretty heavily. Someone, I think, either after the third or the fourth, came out and just grabbed him. Because obviously people were backstage going, oh, this is part of her act. But then someone said, when we saw the trickle of blood, we thought, nah, we better go out there

and make sure work cover doesn't get involved in this one. Oh, my God. That's truly horrifying. Yeah. So that's what it can be like up there. That's what it feels like sometimes. And don't you just love it when you're the comedian that goes on after the woman that hits herself?

Slowly putting your hammer back in your bag. Ah, fuck. Yeah. Let's just rewind it a little bit. And so just even you turning up to the gig with the hammer in your pocket, were you doing construction work before you went to the gig and the joke doesn't go well and you're like, no, I wish there was something I could do.

Oh, hang on. I was just fixing that window out the back. I can just hit myself with this. Hang on. Hang on I was just fixing that window out the back. I can just hit myself with this. Hang on. Hang on. That Village People tribute act out the back, can I just grab the hammer? Hey, construction guy, can I grab one of your little props there?

I've got a bit of an idea. Yeah, or are you like that, like, yeah, just thinking, I'll go to this gig and as a fail safe, if the jokes don't work, I'll just bash my skull in live on stage. Or did she rehearse at home? Just sitting in her room alone, just bashing herself in the head. It's so weird because the rest of us will go out there and do a bad gig and wait till we get home to bash ourselves in the head with a hammer.

But she's going to... You can do it with places that clothes cover up because you've got respect for everyone. Well, this was a girl that I... When I very, very first decided to do stand-up... Oh, wait, can I just interject very quickly? Just because your story before reminded me of something I just had to point out to Claire. Yeah.

Harry Hammer. Good name for a kid. Oh. Harry Hammer Hooper. There you go. Harry Hammer Hooper. So good. And you always have that great story to tell your child about afterwards.

What was my name, Harry Hammer? I think it was a trickle of blood. And I took her off stage. There was this comic. Well, darling. This comic was a trickle of blood. Took her off stage. There was this comic I heard of once with a brain aneurysm and we thought, you look a bit like them. Mummy, where did I come from? Well, sometimes when a woman loves her jokes but the audience doesn't love her jokes.

So this lady. Isn't it a beautiful metaphor for what so many comics are actually doing on stage? Yeah, yeah. It's just a shame that they didn't let her... Because, you know, you could get some sponsorship out of that. You could get Bunnings involved. Yeah. Sponsor your gigs.

Why do you do stand-up comedy? Because it feels so good when I stop. It's the only way I can feel alive anymore. Yeah, why were you hitting yourself into the hammer? Well those fucking nails aren't going to get in there by themselves are they? And then she goes on and she like storms the comedy festival And it's like you can't just get up and do jokes No you've got to be bloody caving your skull in

No I like it that she's got through all the rounds of the raw comedy heats Until the finals she's had to pull out because there's a massive hole in her head Who do you think the first comic was after to go nailed it unfortunately it might have been you yeah or just even doing that you know like you've just had a gig with someone and they haven't gone well and like that's good man yeah it was you know you held their attention yeah come off going how do you think it went, though? Well, slowly half of her faith goes limp. But it is that weird thing where all the audience are watching it going,

this is horrific, and the organisers are going, oh, what are we going to do? And the guy coming on afterwards is going, right, I'm going to have to have something funny about this. What's my hammer gear? What's my gear? What's my joke after this? Not the welfare of this poor young lady on stage is going to have a crippling brain injury. It's like, I better get on there and go, well, I guess fucking MC Hammer, everyone.

But she was one of the first comics I actually saw because when I decided I was going to do stand-up for the first time... Do you do stand-up, Carl? Yeah. Because when I decided I was going to do stand-up for the first time. Do you do stand-up, Carl? Yeah. Side story. Side story there.

Side story. Back from a lifetime. I want you to never do any other heckler response from now and forever than this. Quick side story. The other day my girlfriend said to me, I said something and she goes, a boo. And I went, and then I was like, oh, well, you didn't mean to say that and just sort of moved on.

And then she did it later and she's like, a boo. And I went, what? Are you booing me? And she goes, no, no, no. That's what you do. That's you. boo and i went what what is that are you booing me what's and she goes no no that's what you do that's you and i went what do you mean and she goes you know when you do when you say a boo i mean i've never said a boo in my life and she goes you know with your tongue and i went do you mean that's how my girlfriend says... She says, aboo. It's kind of like the polite version of it because you put your tongue into it

and suddenly there's the risk of saliva going everywhere. So it's kind of a neater way of doing that. Well, I've never known how to spell aboo, but now I know it's A-H-H space B-O-O-O-O, inclining. Your girlfriend's like a little Garfield comic. I feel sorry for your children when they get raspberries on their tummies for her and she's going, aboo.

Again, another possible name. Abu Hooper. Abu. Like the monkey from Aladdin. Yeah, that's nice. A little thief. You can have a little thief. So, she was one of the first comics I saw, this lady.

Let's call her... Harriet Hammer. Harriet Hammer. HH. She was one of the first comics I saw this lady. Let's call her... Harriet Hammer. Harriet Hammer. HH. She was one of the first comics I saw. When I decided to do comedy, I hadn't actually seen much stand-up comedy, so I went along to a raw comedy,

to a heat of the competition that they put on every year, Triple J and ABC. Sorry, you're saying she was raw? No. Okay, sorry. Okay, go on. Continue with your story. Yes.

So I saw her, and because she was so bizarre and was doing... she didn't do that on stage that night, but she was doing other absolutely super weird stuff. I thought it was like an Andy Kaufman character. So I was watching it and the whole audience was like not laughing at all. I was hysterical. I was crying. I was laughing so much until I think half the audience looked at me

and went, why is he laughing? Okay, it must be a joke. It must be okay. And then they started getting into it. And so by the end of the show, she came off stage and I went up to her and said, hey, I just want to say I really love what you're doing there. And she just went, she just looked at me and other things in the same direction and went, oh, you should come to my show.

And I went, oh, this is not a character. I've made a horrible mistake. Oh, great. And then she gave me like 12 flyers in one go and went, come to my show tomorrow. Bye. And I went, oh, I'm not going to go to that show. I thought you were going to say you encouraged the hammer bit

because you were like, oh, I just really loved it. If anything, you could probably push it a bit further. Yeah, yeah. Really kind of put people in. Yeah, yeah. Have you ever thought about a home improvement within your act, maybe? Oh? Yeah.

Oh? And then the story went that apparently that gig, she was doing a fundraiser for her to go to Adelaide, which I'm not sure if people do that anymore. Do they need to raise funds to get $49 for a Jetstar flight to Adelaide? It certainly is a relic from a bygone era. So apparently she recruited people that were at that gig that night and said, can you come and do my fundraiser?

And then the next night they came along and she'd invited no audience members. So there was only comics on stage no audience members except for her in the crowd with a pen torch so people would perform and then she would light them in the eyeballs with the pen torch after like three four minutes and go time to get off stage now and so there was like four or five comics that did that act then came off there was an intermission for no reason, then she came on and did her act. But because she's got the exercise book up one inch from her eyeballs

and can't see the audience, all the other comics were in the audience going, we can actually go now. And they all left and this girl did the rest of her act, like a half hour act, to no one. This girl is somewhat, like if you wrote her into a movie or a sitcom people be like that's a bit far-fetched yeah yeah yeah i will say it like uh you know to anyone listening who is like a not in comedy like an aspiring screenwriter or anything and i'm sure we've said

this before just go and hang out at open mic comedy nights because that is where you you find the true drifters of this earth hanging around. That is the best that you will get, like the best character studies of all time. Yeah. I'm sure that's the same with music as well, isn't it? Do you think? Maybe.

Like any sort of performing arts, I'm sure there's that rung of, you know, sort of weird people that just need somewhere to belong to. But I think music, there's kind of like more, there's more barriers to you getting up to do it. Oh, yes. For a stand-up, a guy can just walk off the street. You don't need to have learnt an instrument. You don't need to own an instrument.

You just need to have voices in your head with comedy and a desire for the truth to be heard. And not even a microphone. A lot of people just decide to go to shows and just yell things out. Gosh, maybe there should be more prerequisites. I mean, maybe we should invent a piece of equipment that you don't technically need, but, you know, just still there's an investment.

You've got to go down to Kathmandu and spend the appropriate money. Right. Right? You know, like in order to get started, just to weed out the less serious people. So hang on, Kathmandu should be the official sponsor of comedy, is what you're saying.

You need to have like a polar fleece on to do gigs. You need a money belt on stage at all times. It's just that we were having conversations about Kathmandu yesterday. That's why it's in my head. Let's just say Dick Smith's. The necessary equipment. That makes, again, less sense probably. Okay, I don't know.

You have to bring your own microphone maybe. Maybe that's the rule. You have to bring, that's the piece of equipment. I would like that. That's a good one. And it just would really, it would be like, okay, Bring your own microphone, maybe. Maybe that's the rule. You have to bring... That's the piece of equipment. I would like that. That's a good one. And it just would really... It would be like, okay, it can't just be that the voice has told you to do it today. You've got to think this is a viable enough idea to spend at least 100 bucks.

Depending on how well you're going, like, open mic is bringing, like, a Thingstar microphone. Yeah. And then Will Anderson's got, like, a gold-plated diamond one. Yeah. I like the idea of that, how, like, music nerds will, like... You know, people in bands will, like, try each other's guitars. It's like, oh, man, is that a Sennheiser? Giveated diamond one. Yeah, I like the idea of that, how like music nerds will like, you know, people in bands will like try each other's guitars. It's like, oh man, is that a Sennheiser? Give that over here. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

One, two. My girlfriend's dumb. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Man, that is rich. That is awesome. That happens a bit in radio though. Some people do bring their own mics when they think of themselves as a voice worthy of a better mic.

Someone maybe with a similar name to myself? Oh, yeah, yeah, but not the only one. I've known others. Oh, who else is there? Oh, I'm trying to think. I'm pretty sure. Like as in I feel like Jonesy from Jonesy and Amanda, WSFM in Sydney.

I feel like he had one. But maybe I'm mixing it up and he just had really good headphones. But that's similar. If you're really a career radio person and you really just go, you know what, I deserve the best. I reckon the mic. Don't use the studio headphones. Use your nice headphones.

It's like the guy that walks into the pool hall with his own pool cue. But I reckon the microphone's not going far enough. I'd like to see the ultra big shot radio guy that comes in with his own broadcasting tower. He's like, get that receiver's shit off the roof. Put this one in for while I'm on air, please. With his own producer on his back. Just bring him in. This is the frequency that I want to broadcast at.

Well, we're talking about, you know, if you're going to do comedy, maybe, you know, going to Dick Smith, going to whatever it is. It's like, you know, in porn in LA, they've all got to go and register at like, what is it called? World. Sex called? World. Sex offenders? No. World pictures or world. There's a certain place that everyone has to go in and get their photos done, have their AIDS test.

Maybe that's what we need in comedy. More AIDS tests, you know. What a journey that was. There'll be way less charity gigs to do. I agree. I like it. I mean, you know, as soon as you set up an

organisation to take care of that, you know that there's going to be corruption within the organisation, but then that gives comedians better bitching to do

backstage, which is great. But they'll come in every month or whatever for their tests. Imagine if there was some comedy HQ in the

city where you'd go in, you had to re-licence yourself and come in with your new material. Your best five. Your best five from the last six months. Your new gear. Your new gear, you're coming in going, oh, I tried this out, it went okay.

It went okay. It went six out of ten the other night. Here's my new hammer. The old ones at the police station for some reason. So here's my new one. I've got to licence this one. And, you know, we would all meet there every month, I think. Here's this girl I've started dating.

It's like being an 80-year-old driver. You've just got to keep checking in. Yeah, yeah. I do like that. There needs to be some kind of, yeah. You can still be a shit comic, but you've got to pay your dues. It can't just be, if it's too easy, then we have eight nights, eight different gigs a night.

Yeah. At which all the comedians are spread too thin for any one gig to be good enough. The horrible situation we're in right now where comedy is the worst thing of all time. No, it's not. It's not. It's wonderful.

But you do think how amazing the scene would be if there were half as many nights. And people had to work harder to get onto those nights. You know that for the audiences it would be better. At the moment it's good for the comics, but it would be better for audiences. But let's start with AIDS testing. Yeah.

And the first step is more AIDS testing. I think, though, if there was any testing of blood... More stringent... Any testing of blood. I can name, like, ten comedians that would not be doing comedy anymore if there was any kind of blood test. That's a nice little bit.

I mean, it could be, you know, it doesn't matter that it's AIDS testing, I guess, but it's something in the way of people going out and wasting people's time. If you have to go and go through that process, then you're thinking, I'd better make sure this material is worth it if I'm going to go and have an AIDS test. More bureaucracy. That's right.

It shouldn't just be at that one beautiful time of the year of Melbourne Comedy Festival. All the year should be more bureaucracy. We should be punished more for doing comedy. More consistently. Yeah, we should have to write reconciliation statements at the end of every gig that says how we honestly think it went. No, no, get your tech to do it.

Because they're going to be more honest. I'm really like, I can't tell if we're talking about comedy or AIDS or is it still, is it the same thing? Yeah, I got a bit lost there. They're very similar. They're very linked. Because you never know if it's going to go full blown.

Here's a question. Here's my question. My, just to get off What we've been talking about My girlfriend is going for a job At the moment Ooh Clang

Yes She's a proper adult Okay Just I mean I don't need you to tell me what it is But does she have to get an AIDS test? No But yeah

After She doesn't listen to this does she? No No good That's fine No that's fine Continue She doesn't listen to this, does she? No. No, good, that's fine. No, that's fine. Continue. She... No, actually, let me say this quickly.

My girlfriend has started listening to the show a lot more and now almost everything I say on here is getting constantly fact-checked by her going, oh, you made me sound like I'd said this or like at the birthday show I told the story about us going and getting, like buying for Christmas, getting something that we both want instead of getting each other a gift. And I mentioned that we got the barbecue.

And she said, oh, you should have said we're getting other stuff as well because it makes us sound like tight arses. I'm like, barbecues are expensive. They're expensive. So she was, like, worried that everyone in the room was going, Jesus Christ, Deslo and his girlfriend are a pair of fucking satsas. Yeah, you can spend two grand on a barbecue easily. We didn't, but you can. Yeah, it's funny. You can spend two grand on a barbecue easy. We didn't, but you can.

Yeah, it's all right. To me, it sounded generous enough. Wade and I are going in on a bean bag. And that is true. Going in on one. Well, I was like, hey, you know how I've wanted one of those foam-filled bean bags for my entire life? How about this Christmas I get it?

It's what I said. Usually I'm much more subtle. And he was like, all right, well, how about we get that for each other and that's Christmas done. Yeah. I love it. Especially when you're in a long-term relationship where it's like you do, you sort of, you know, you just run out of gift ideas. It gets too hard.

Oh, no, I don't. I've got some great gift ideas. And he'll be furious, but I'm still going to give him some sweet little tidbits as well. This is what I did. I think maybe the first Christmas that I was with my girlfriend, I went, well, you know what? I'm going to – no, this is good. We'll see.

Hang on. Hang on. Let me check the end of this story. It's okay. Have you had the story AIDS tested? So I thought, right, I'm going to – I think it was just after someone had done something impressive at work because I used to work with my girlfriend and someone had done something nice and I thought, right, well, you know what?

The Chan man, he's a good boyfriend. Let's see what he can come up with here. So I decided to do the 12 days of Christmas. Oh, God. Isn't that funny? The different responses, the two male voices going, and then me just being the total girl cliche of going, oh. Yeah, yeah.

I would fucking hate that if someone did that to me. Really? I can't back that up. Yeah. The relationship is a competition, Carl. Oh, not mine. Not mine it isn't. It's a one-sided thing.

Like my girlfriend would get something from me and go, thanks. What else is there? And I'll be like, is there anything for me? And she honestly, like Valentine's Day or anything like that, I will get her something and she'll go, thanks for that. Anything else? And I'll be like, where's the, is there anything for me? And she'll go, no, Valentine's Day isn't for boys.

I never thought I'd think of it. I was like, Valentine's Day is for love. It's not for one person or the other. She's like, no, no, no, I'm pretty sure it's one-way traffic. I'm pretty sure just girls get it. And I'm like... It's like chlamydia. Yeah.

Some people are carriers. I find it really interesting that comedians such as you, Kyle Chandler, will find a girlfriend that actually reinforces the comic view of women on stage. Do you know what I'm saying? I'm saying there's chicks that aren't such selfish bitches at Valentine's. But you are conveniently dating one so that you can go on stage and talk about bitches at Valentine's. Do you know what I'm saying?

I just like the angriest man I know saying, Valentine's Day is for love. And after that, did you put your sash on and pick up your bow and arrow and go out there and just sling some love arrows into some sad, lonely people? There is many facets of me, Tom. Facets? I'm a many-splendoured beast. Anyway.

Anyway. She's going for a job. Oh, i was gonna i was gonna finish that bit so i have one more one more addendum to that that the barbecue thing this my someone my girlfriend was sitting next to at the live show when i said that we were that we got ourselves a barbecue and that we'd gotten it from kmart someone sitting next to my girlfriend who didn't know she was my girlfriend, some guy went, ugh, Kmart? Like, having a crap... Like, what show do you think you're at, mate? Where do you think you are? You're at the live recording of a podcast.

To be honest, though, I mean, I thought that a little bit too. Not known... Because they're not known as the connoisseurs of barbecues. I love Kmart. You can go somewhere where they're a little bit more barbecue focused and you can get specific barbecue related advice according to your barbecue needs. Whereas you go to Kmart

and my experience there is sure they might have something that says barbecue on the packet, right? But you're certainly not going to be able to get any advice on whether that's the barbecue. Or the fire comes out of that bit and you put the meat on that bit. Where do you stick the chops?

On the top still cool. With some of the gear from the old Kmart, I've had some bad experiences. You know, like using you buy a heater and it doesn't really heat. And you just go, oh, you buy a vacuum cleaner and it doesn't really suck. And so, you know, like I just kind of – I worry for you. Excuse me, mate. Just wondering where the barbecues are. Don't bother, mate.

There's a Macca's in the food court. Just fucking go there instead. But we just got ourselves an entry-level barbecue because, you know, we're still renting and everything and if we get this huge one, it's one more thing to – It's a gateway barbecue. It's a gateway barbecue. You've got some basic sausages for it.

Farmland. No, you're right. I was just a bit worried, you know, like because – I just want something that's easy for it. Farmland. No, you're right. I was just a bit worried, you know, like because – I just want something that's easy for me. Well, there's even plate heating and then there's uneven plate heating. Oh, right. You know, you'll get frustrated if the sausages cook better in one part of the barbecue than the other. I just want something small and basic that's easy for me to bring to gigs

and then grill my face on after my job's done. Yeah, you've just got one of those Fisher-Price ones, like the ovens for kids where there's just a light bulb in there that's cooking a cupcake. You've just got a light bulb under some sausages. My first barbecue. Sorry, your girlfriend's going for a job. No, well, we got into another story, which was...

We've got a long way to go back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a few years. Good thing we left all these breadcrumbs. 12 days of Christmas. 12 days of Christmas. Oh, that's really well. There's a few years. Good thing we left all these breadcrumbs. 12 days of Christmas. 12 days of Christmas. Oh, that's really well. Oh, Abu.

Come on, Cupid. Here's the story. So I started doing it thinking, this would be great. Of course, that's a great idea on paper, the 12 days of Christmas, different presents every day. And we were working together, so there was the added bonus of being able to present the present in there every day and having all working together so there was the added bonus of being able to present the present in there every day and having all the other staff members go well well well the

chairman is quite a catch yeah that's what you want yeah yeah so it was like the first day was like flowers it's like oh how good's this and then you second day is like chocolates oh yeah great and the third day i'm like there's a couple of dvs you know there's a boy we went down quickly didn't we oh there's plenty to go down so like DVDs do you remember yeah it was like uh you know DVDs like it was it was like a couple of the Santa Claus yeah yeah it was like father of the bride was in there or something like that Carmen Electra workout anything in the video anything at JB Hi-Fi that's got a white cover because anything's got a white cover is a big chance of being a romantic comedy. So anything, there's a whole white section you go,

right, that's where my girlfriend shops, that's where bloody Sarah Jessica Parker movies are, that's where Jessica Biel movies are. Hot tip. Hot tip. Yeah. But also. Parts of the shop to avoid.

Yeah. Well, yeah. That's the only... If you saw our DVD collection at home, it is just like the North Pole. Just blindingly white. Wow. Yeah. You really...

Yeah. No, I'm just... Wow. Wow. You've found yourself a proper woman. A proper cliche. That's bordering on a cliche. Yeah, yeah.

Which I was... A lovely one. Yes. But, yeah. Yeah. She's the real deal. You found yourself the set up for every joke. Yeah. a cliche that's bordering on a cliche yeah yeah I wish I was a lovely one yes but yeah you found yourself the set up for every joke yeah

that you could ever need as a stand up comedian it's like I'm Andy Cap or someone just like I've got Err Indoors yeah

so I yeah I got into that like DVDs was like day three and then day four I'm starting to go gee there's about eight

what is that eight or nine days to go so you hadn't planned this out yeah no not in advance i hadn't planned it out thinking that you'll build up no you've got to get better no no the final one has to be you wake up every day and going what is it today no i got to about day five for sure you definitely want to know that you had a good build planned yeah no that didn't happen so i got to about day five and I started running in of ideas going, oh yeah. Not even halfway. What am I going to do? She's already got Father of the Bride.

Honestly, it was a sequel, wasn't it? Honestly, then I went and bought a big Toblerone. You went all the way to the airport. You went all the way to the airport to get a present for her. You know he has to buy himself a ticket overseas

so he can get it duty free. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, just started buying her like Australia tops, Melbourne Australia tops. Anything that was out there duty free.

Wow. So, honestly, it got to about day six or seven and I exhausted my ideas and she's still going. Instead of, she's got this thing where as lovely as she is,

she hasn't got a thing going, you know, oh, this is great, thank you very much. She's more a girl of, oh, so what's coming tomorrow? And I'm like, oh, I don't need that pressure. And I honestly started going back and going, all right, well, here's another Toblerone. I doubled up Toblerones within three days. No.

Then it was back to get Father of the Bride 2. And it got to like day nine or something and I was like, oh, am I obligated to finish this? And she was like, well, it's building up to the big last present. And I'm like, oh, is it? Is it? Just very quickly for context, how long have you been together at this point? Twelve days.

context how long have you been together at this point 12 days i think maybe oh was it inside the first year oh okay yeah it was definitely inside the first two years okay yeah yeah yeah so i and you've all picked that from the start of the story of oh this wants to build i had no idea of that concept at all i was just just like, 12 great days of presents? That's the key to that, consistency across 12 days. You didn't even follow up on the great. You haven't followed up on that at all. Is this why you write one line of? So there's never like an end, like a climax?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's never like this, well, you got what you came here for, hey? It's just 12 middling sort of consistent things. Yeah, so it was just, I honestly thought, you know, instead of one great thing, 12 pretty good things. That's good. Just 12 six and a half out of tens.

You know, that's good. But she was like, oh, she was honestly thinking, oh, there's going to be a a holiday at the end of it because if you got all those things together at once on one day

that's a sweet yes sweet gift hamper yes that's pretty awesome oh maybe that's what you should have done

and in a way it's a good metaphor for a relationship though as well like you never like 12 after a 12 year relationship you'd be like

that last year was fucking amazing yeah yeah yeah and then you died at the end yeah yeah that's a good point yeah

you shouldn't have killed her. Yeah, instead it was getting to like... Nervous laughter. Instead, I think I got to nine, day nine, ten, eleven and went, I'll just... Yeah, I didn't have time to go to the 7-Eleven today, so we're not having a present today. So instead of this, at the end, instead of like a story where it was like,

oh, a car brought all these great presents, for 12 days i've got these all these nice little things and what a lovely thought like the summation at the end was well i didn't get anything good at the end and then i didn't get anything for days 8 11 and 3 and it was just a like a bad story in the end from this thing at the start where i'm like this is going to be like an advent calendar and so you just thought you just thought you'd think up the idea and then the gods of romance would do the rest. Yeah. What was my version of romance, I guess?

To be fair, if a girl did that for me, I'd be like, sweet. But maybe this... You know what, I'd be wrapped, but I think it would cut pretty deep if it got nine days into the 12 and a and a present was missing like i do think that i'd be like i'd be really disappointed yeah you know the ultimate thing would have been day 12 you break up with her because like it's just been this build-up of like you proving how shit you are as a boyfriend it's like and now you're free the greatest gift of all you don't have to put up with me anymore that's more appropriate

than killer so maybe i should have said that earlier Take it down a notch, Nicholson Take it down a notch Think the thing and then go one below that Maybe that's just generally the gentlemanly way to break up with someone Is buy them a really, you know, sort of start ten days in advance Buy them something really good And then something slightly less good the next day

And then shit her every day And then on the last day you just release a dove and go it's over baby and then you shoot the dove yeah there we go classic do that like they don't have the guts to break up with someone so they'll just start treating them like shit and hope that they break it off yeah yeah that's that seems like a i i broke up with someone once um after they'd gotten back a trip. They'd been away for a month and came back and had brought me – and while they were away, I decided that I wanted to maybe break up with them. And so they came back with presents. And I was like, oh, and did it anyway because I'm a cunt.

Pre or post-present? Cheering. Yeah, I'm an awful person. How does that come up? Thanks for the scotch. You might want this back. So they just give you this huge box and you climb into it and pop out and go, you're dumped.

Kind of, yeah. Thanks for the giant Toblerone. Why don't you stick it up your ass on the way out? And I just killed him. That's brutal. I still think you had to. Wow, look, it's a real, man, that's an interesting conversation, but I do think you're right too.

Like if your intention is break up with the person, don't pretend to be okay with them for another week just to make them feel less weird about the present. I'm sure I've said this on the show before, but I had a girlfriend who we had this huge fight and broke up and it was like a week after my birthday and I was accused of like I'd been planning it and had just stayed with her over my birthday to get the gifts.

I'm like, that's awesome. If I had thought that up, that would be genius. I've never broken up with a girl. I'm always the dumpee. And why do you think that is, Carl? Are you occasionally happy about it? Have you ever been? that was a big feeling of no shit

yeah you're in your 12 days you fucking yeah you just you just wait it out you just wait for them but have you ever been relieved by it

and realised oh I was just being too lazy to even acknowledge I wanted to do that yeah there's a bit of that yeah would you

with the 12 days thing would – so if you got that, you would have liked that? You would have enjoyed – do you think a girl would be better? Do you think a girl would know to give the climax? Yeah. I don't know. That sounded – No, that's a good question.

I don't know if you could group that into sort of a gender-specific trait. Having said that, when I – The ability to build a good narrative through gifts. Yeah. I think that could equally be guys or girls yeah because when I started that story it felt like

all of you guys were all like of the same admittedly Rhys you were expecting a big finish you were there's no gender divide

it's an intelligence divide I think on this one yeah because I think a guy would be the climax to it could be a handjob like a guy would be like fuck yeah birthday it could be a handjob. Like a guy would be like,

fuck yeah, birthday handjob. Yeah, yeah. Christmas handjob. You're so right. Because that's, I mean, I was kind of thinking like, you actually need, you need to build the presence

and the final one actually needs to be something just like non-material. It needs to be some sort of really rad thing. Like you either take her somewhere amazing or you do an amazing dance for her in your undies or something like it needs it needs to be like yeah there's no like it needs to be a sidestep from there there's no like and i think i're in the car park girls don't want that well it is you're right like the sexual favor is probably gonna work better for the guy yeah yeah can i

you know as reluctant as I am to generalise, I think the guy's going to be more happy about the 12th day of Christmas handjob than the girl is. Yeah. Yeah. Can I make a suggestion? Yes. Bring it back.

Exactly the same, though. No, no, no, no. No, start off the same. Miss a day. Miss day three. But this time you've got something something the last four days all billed so you start off making it look like it's shit and she's going oh fucking here we go again but this is what all of a sudden she's getting good gifts this is what i found because because you've

got to end it on a good present and in um from memory i think i did i was forced into getting something good for the last day but i can't remember what it is but i remember thinking hang on i would have just bought that good present at the end anyway. I've just wasted 11 days and spent a lot of money on like sort of half-assed gifts for 11 days. I should have just bought the 12th day and not introduced that concept at all. Yeah.

I've just bought a lot more Toblerone than I needed to. How many days did it take you to work this out? 12. On the 12th day, I was going to marry you. That's never been brought up to me before. I listen to the show. You just don't listen to the star of the show.

What about day one, one Toblerone, building up to day twelve, twelve Toblerones? Just each day introducing another Toblerone. That's good because I only need to make one trip to the airport to get all my shopping done. Yep. Yep. All right, well.

So how many Toblerones would you need to buy? I'd tag that as well. How long will it take us to get from Claire Hooper's house to Tullamarine right now? Oh, I can tell you. Depends on the time of the day, obviously, but I'd say 23 minutes. Right. That's funny if I get on the Skybus and everyone's like, where are you going to? Christmas shopping?

Yeah, you work out that it's cheaper to where are you going to? Christmas shopping. Yeah, you work out that it's cheaper to just buy a flight to like Bali or whatever and then it's still like, it still works out cheaper because you're removing the duty from all your gifts.

Yeah. That is a scam waiting to happen. You get a carton of cigarettes on the third day and maybe a bottle of booze. So, I just came back from Thailand. I was literally,

part of that reasoning of going to Thailand again was going, looking at like, massages over there. Great massages are eight dollars australian here they're 80 dollars like if i go every day i'm saving 72 a day over that many days that i'm making money i'm making money do i have to declare this that is a really good point yeah that's kind of time i mean it works on the assumption that you must have a massage every day. Yeah, which I've never had in Australia.

So, yeah. Yeah, I like the idea of getting a massage becoming a burden, like becoming a stressful thing that you have to remember to do. Oh, I got the rudest massage I've ever got in Thailand. Hang on, rudest in what way? I used to give him a handjob. No, no. They were very – their manners were very poor. Oh, okay. ever got in thailand hang on rudest in what way uh i used to give him a handjob no you know they were very uh their manners were very poor oh okay because yeah i was thinking something else yeah

there was plenty of offers don't worry but no i went to one out of the way and i walked in and the the lady was clearly upset with what she had to work with or something she wasn't in a very good mood in terms of having to touch me apparently. And I sat down. There was no music. There was no ambiance. There was nothing. I was lying on the floor and this woman came in and I went to lie down

and she didn't speak English and I went to lie down on my back and she went, no, and then slapped me. Actually slapped me. Great. At the start of the me. Yeah. Actually slapped me. Great. At the start of the massage. Yeah. I love it. But she still gave you a good 45 minutes, right?

Yeah, after that. So you stayed after she slapped you. Yes. I know. The first 10 minutes was thinking of that exactly. I was thinking, should I be – because I'm much more – She made it pretty clear what you should have done. You did not do it.

Because – She must have been looking at you should have done. You did not do it. Because... She must have been looking at you and going, I've just slapped this guy and he's still just lying there smiling at me. Yeah, yeah. Because then I extra needed a massage after that because I tensed up and went, who the fuck does she think she is? What the fuck's this?

And then she's massaging me going, well, I actually need this at this point, so maybe I should stay. It's a non-sexual happy ending. if you start horrible you end going this is actually quite nice yeah well wado had a um he had a um we we went for a couple's pedicure you know like because we were in bali and and it's that thing of going it's so cheap just get something done every day because you'd be mad not to yeah because it's eight bucks yeah but yeah he poor white because i had this lovely you know foot massage and pedicure and he said that it was really obvious how annoyed she was at having to deal with these grotty never

been touched curled up mantos yeah covered in hair and she he said she was really she drew blood on the bottom of his feet she just was so violent to his feet because she was clearly like – she's obviously going, you're clearly only getting this done because you're in Bali. You don't give a fuck about your feet. Why should I give a fuck about your feet? It was a really angry pedicure. And feed her her passion as well.

She's really mad about it. You've got to look it after. And she knows that she's not going to get a result that's going to make her feel good at the end of it. Because, you know, you prefer to do a job when at the end of it you're like, look at the good work I did. But there's no way he's going to be made to look pretty. Well, I did sit through it because she was so rude and she was very aggressive and clearly

didn't like me for whatever reason. Oh, and you like it hard, don't you? Yeah, I do like it hard. So she was beating the shit out of me and I was like, well, I'll let you have this one, all right? You can keep going, but only because I like to be punched. I don't think you went for a massage. I think you got beaten up in Thailand.

It was in an alleyway. There wasn't even a bed. I just went up to a woman and said, can you give me a massage? And she's like, I'm not one of those people. Bang, and just hit me. And it didn't cost $8. You only had $8 in your wallet. It was stolen from you.

I'll tell all my friends. Well, guys, that is just about all the time we have on the Little Dumb Dumb Club for today. Claire Hooper, Rhys Nicholson, thank you very much for joining us. Am I banned again? No, this trial period, you've been successful. You've got a show. You've got a show.

Thanks. Oh, you've got a show? You've got a show coming up at the Adelaide Fringe. The show is called Ugh. Great. I like it. Thank you. Almost as hard to spell as yeah i'm doing uh yeah i'm doing all the festivals does it for people that are looking it up in the guide does it start with e it's e u r g h now this was a big argument i would have had two h's that's just me me. Two? Yeah. So it's like, ugh. Yeah. Yeah.

Alright, well, it's too late now, Carl. Thank you for the help. You can be the sequel. Can this be your thing? It could be erg.

Yeah. Well, next year I was thinking blurg. Like, every year, it's harder. You know,

the 2013 show, ugh, and then blurg. Yeah. And then you need to bring in like, Mad Magazine style, like,

yeah. Yeah. That's my favourite. Potresby. Yeah. And then the really anti-S like Mad Magazine so like yeah. That's my favourite. And then the really anti-Semitic one. You've got a lot of shows to write. Claire, anything you would like to plug? No, there's nothing I need to plug. You've got an upcoming baby you can plug?

Yeah, right. So I can't do Melbourne Comedy Festival. Have you got a festival managed uterus? At what time? Yeah, you can only get that with management. I'm still waiting to hear about managed uterus? At what time? Yeah, you can only get that with management. I'm still waiting to hear about my uterus, but anyway. How's the same uterus have left you? Yeah, pretty much got nothing to plug.

If anyone sees me on the street, I will be pretty attention starved. So just throw me a bone. Cool. And you still, well, hey, suggestions for baby names. I'm sure you're up for plenty of them. Bone, there's one.

Rock, bone. Bone Duffin. Bone Duffin. Yeah, I like that. You did. You did. I don't think we got to the bottom of this

but quickly before we finish, is the baby going to go with the, which surname? So it's going to be a Duffin. It's going to be a Duffin. Yeah, he bagsed it. He bagsed it.

When we got married he was like, I'm going to get... He reckons his brother and sister are lost causes and he needs to carry on the family name. Oh, I don't think there's a super need to carry on the Duffin name, but anyway. I'm the last Nicholson. I mean, we don't pop up here, but... Oh, no.

Yeah, sorry, Dad. Well, you're not, because there's plenty of other Nicholsons around, so that's good, but how many Duffins are there out there? Yeah. What's a shame is that it's just a distortion of the French word Dauphin, which means prince. Oh, wow. That has not come out well in translation. No, but it's turned into Duffin, which does not sound like a prince.

No. Yeah. Prince Duffin does, though. Prince does? There we go. Just change your name to Prince. That's better. Wade Prince. That's better. Wade Prince.

That's better already. Yeah. I'd marry that guy. Yeah? Wade Prince? Yeah. Yeah, it sounds hot. Yeah.

Yeah, and then you get Rock Prince. There you go. And then Wade Symbol. You could, like, Prince. Wade, the formerly... What about Patch as a name? Patch doesn't get enough... Patch Duffin.

Humans call Patch. Patch Adam? Patch Adams? Oh, yeah. Forget that. Okay. the formula what about Patch as a name Patch doesn't get enough humans called Patch Patch Adams Patch Adams forget that well keep them coming forget that guy that saved hundreds of lives

boring guys we've got our website littledumbdumbclub.com how good is it yes huge thanks to Joel Goodman at Auxiliary Design

look him up give him some business he did great work with it we've got our live birthday show that you can purchase through our website, littledumbdumbclub.com. Guys, thanks very much for listening, and we'll see you next time.

See you, mate. See you, mate. Boo.