The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 166 - Tom Ballard & Harley Breen

Episode Date: December 10, 2013

A Place For Friendship, Scenic Railways and Nazi Bars. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey, mates. Have you listened to our live third birthday podcast yet? You haven't? Well, get yourself over to littledumbdumbclub.com and check it out right now. It's an awesome show. We've got Michelle Laurie, Adam Richard, Luke McGregor, Josh Earle, and Nick Cody phoning in live from Las Vegas. It's such a fun show. It is not part of this regular iTunes feed. It's a separate download. It's pay what you want so you can get it for free. But if you enjoy the show every week for free and you feel like chucking in a little bit of money for the episode, that would be awesome. It's up to you, but that would be great and it would really help us to keep this thing going for free every week. So get on that littledumbdumbclub.com.

Also, if you're in Brisbane, I'm going to be there March next year doing my brand new show, Dreamboat, from March 4th till 9th at the Brisbane Powerhouse. Tickets have just gone on sale. I'd love to see you guys there. I always love doing the Brisbane Comedy Festival. It's going to be so much fun and you can find tickets and details for that at my website, TommyDassolo.com. Okay, on with the episode.

Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club, a place for friendship. My name is Tommy Dasolo, and sitting next to me is the other half of the show, my best friend, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. Where's all this come from? Just trying to spice it up. Is that a new yep just bringing some new

we got new credits on this thing now bringing some new tricks into the old boudoir I don't know I don't remember this coming up in any meeting you don't like it

this is the meeting this is the meeting yep you don't like a place for friendship it's kind of a good sort of byline is it

gay it was you that had to say it oh no it's gone into disrepute already. True friends wouldn't butt in, but anyway. Which means it's not a place for friendship. A place for interruptions. Maybe I'll try that next episode.

A place for rude assholes. Yeah. This can be like the Simpsons couch gag. It can be a place for something different every week. Oh, right. Yeah. Okay. I'm on board now.

Yeah. I'm back around. Quick follow-up. I was talking a couple of weeks ago about me and my girlfriend buying pillows. Someone has written to us and gone, I work for a bedding and mattress company in Sydney. Oh, hello. If you send me your addresses, I'll send you some of those pillow protectors you were speaking about. Oh, shit.

It's not a Macca's endorsement, but it'll hopefully help with those sweaty heads of yours. Oh, it brings me on to my next subject, gold bullion. And anyone that works at Fort Knox out there, hit us up. Awesome. Free pillow protectors. Whatever you do out there, guys, whatever your occupation, I'll have one of each. Yes, yes.

I know we can't stress this enough. People think that it's a joke and that we're not going to be. Like, why are you working at a bedding supply company, listening to this show and waiting for it to come up before you offer us stuff for your company? Anything that you work for that you can give us for free. Plumbing. Doesn't matter if we've talked about it on the show.

We'll have it. Yes. Yes. One of each, guys. Our postal address is Tommy's House. P.O.Box. P.O.Box. 69.

Crozet. Locked bag. Videotapes cannot be returned. So that's just the protectors that we've got, though. You are going to have to go out and buy an actual pillow. Oh, forget that. So it's actually a bit time when you think about it. She's told us that she works at a bedding.

She's got access to all of bedding, and she's only offering up the pillow protector. Yeah, no, I don't like that anymore. So she's gone from being generous to sort of a bit cheap when you really read into it. Can you fit a pillow in a letterbox? How are we getting the pillows in the mail? Who's sending pillows in the mail? So you've never been mailed anything that's bigger than your letterbox? How are we getting the pillows in the mail? Who's sending pillows in the mail?

So you've never been mailed anything that's bigger than your letterbox? I've never gotten a pillow that's bigger than ten letterboxes. Yeah, like that. Just leaving the pillow on your doorstep. Can you bring them around to our house? Yeah, sure. Okay. Well, here's my follow-up. I, well, from

last week, I brought up the fact that my girlfriend, we were keen to get a new show to watch and she decided on The Sopranos. Oh, yeah, yeah. And she brought home season four and said, you've got to start somewhere. Yep. And I said that on the show and I found that ridiculous and we all had a bit of a laugh.

Yeah, we did. Anyway, moving on. Yeah, so anyway, let's let you try to guess. No, so I really got nothing this week. It's just a recap. This episode is just going to be recapping. Sorry, I just had a flashback. Sorry.

No. One of those bloody clip episodes that they do when they can't be bothered writing new material. Yes. So I told her that we talked about that on the show and she went, oh, because she's always very annoyed when I bring up anything that she's ever said on the show. So she's annoyed once every two weeks, I reckon.

I said that and her response was, oh, she said, no, that's fine. The people will understand. I'm not going to watch season one. That was made in like the 90s. I've got to watch new stuff. I can't be watching old stuff from the 90s. I'm going to start season four. That makes complete sense.

Wow. Yeah. So she's doing the Sopranos like memento, just starting with the last one and then working her way back. No, she's not going to work her way back. It's like there's a cut-off point at the year 2000 apparently. Oh, okay. She won't watch anything past that.

Good TV happened before 2000. No, apparently not. Wow, okay. So it's just 2000. It's just when Sydney had the Olympics, she went, all right, we'll start here. Sydney, something happened at the Sydney Olympics that made TV executives work out how to make TV properly.

Yes, yeah. Okay, today on the show, a returning combination of guests. A sweet combo. A sweet combo. Last time we had these guys on, it was one of our most popular episodes. Can lightning strike twice? Probably not. First of all, joining us, you know him from,

you will have seen him on Adam Hills tonight. Please welcome back into the little dum-dum club, Harley Breen. He's rocking a backwards hat, which makes me think I saw him in Limp Bizkit. Yeah, got nothing. I think it's better than last time already. This is great. Wazinger!

Sorry. And our second guest, you will know him as of this week from absolutely nothing. He is jobless with no career prospects. He was doing nothing before the year 2000. Nothing on the horizon. Tom Ballard. A place for friendship. And for jobs jobs the best feedback I got when I had

to finish the job was from Carl Chandler Facebook post G'day Nigel no job thanks you fuckhead I like that you're going to

it's a great episode last time so we thought we'd get him back you know Harley and Tom it was like I think it was a great because I had a great story

that's exactly what I said you called me up told me I was like yeah yeah I'll do that and then, it was like, I think it was a great ep because I had a great story. That's exactly what I said. You called me up, told me, I was like, yeah, yeah, I'll do that. And then I saw Chandler and I'm like, yeah, does he realise it was just about me laughing at a Chandler story? No, I realise, but you've got to, you know, as the great Diane once said, you've got to start somewhere. But so the pressure is on Chandler. I feel no pressure.

Yeah, yeah. My laughter is ready. I've been driving the wrong way through traffic all the way here trying to get something. I had the light of that Jackie Offenhill dishwasher. That's pretty good. What's the great story that would come from driving the wrong way through traffic that's not just a story about how you drove the wrong way?

Like the idea of you narrowly hitting cars head on and going, jeez, I hope something funny happens soon. And three, two, one, impro. Space jump into traffic. Yeah, that would be good. That'd be something, you know, anything to do with police. I don't think I've had anything to do with the police ever. Really?

Yeah. You've never been arrested or anything like that? I don't think so. Yeah, me either. Really? Yeah, none. No. No police activity.

Oh, really? No, I've had a little bit. Oh, have you? Yeah, I've had a little bit. You've got a record. What? No. Have you been in the big house?

No, but I did get glad-wrapped nude to a pole, not by the police, that would be inappropriate, to a pole on my Bucks night, Bucks turn, for the older listeners. And the police were called because I had mercurochrome, an egg running out of my eye. What's mercurochrome? Hospital dye.

It's the pink stuff they put on your skin before they cut you open and it stains your skin. And they put that in your eye before they cut you? They just put it all over me. A great thing to do two days before the wedding. How's someone coming into possession with that in the first place? Oh, there was planning. Yeah, okay.

There was people pre-planned. Someone on the inside of the hospital. I hadn't broken my arm, but they put a cast on my arm with a glass cast into my hand. So I always had a glass full of beer. But you couldn't drink out of it? No, I had to drink out of it. Anyway, not like they had to make that a rule.

So the police were called and then two quite attractive female police officers turned up and this fuckhead, in his drunken mind, assumed that they were strippers. That's why that would happen on the street and they managed to get themselves their own divvy van. The strip mobile. What a sexy divvy van.

Even more offensively referred to them as ladies of the night. I got cut down off the pole and they put me in the divvy van only for a photo opportunity. And then laughed and thought this was great. I went home, cleaned up, went to the next pub because obviously it wasn't finished. We got kicked out of that pub, not for misbehaving, just the pub closed. And so then we went and sat in the park like teenagers

drinking long necks beside Luna Park. And then I got the idea that I wanted to do the scenic rail. Never done it before. So I did it on foot. Oh, really? I climbed to the the scenic rail. Never done it before. So I did it on foot. Oh, really? Climbed the side of Luna Park. Oh, wow. Not even a low point.

Not even a low point. At the highest point, I climbed all the way up. Where were your mates? The least I could have done was glad wrap you to one of the coasters. So I ran around it, fell down, hurt myself. But that was to be expected. And then on the way down, there was this car careering through the park and then doors opened yelling,

get the fuck down there from there, you dickheads. And then it just happens to be the same cops. They shine the torch on my face and they went, oh, it's you. You can't be doing this. This is breaking and entering. Sit down, finish your beers and then go home I like the idea that the cops probably thought That your mates knew you were going to do that

That's why they gladrapped you to the pole Because it's like if we don't do this every night He's going to get barefoot on Luna Park again I thought you were going to say this And end it with someone from Luna Park Saying to you get down from there And you're going oh it's one of those carny strippers Look at her, she's bloody pretending that she's lost an arm

and she's got greasy hair. Look at the chick out the front of Luna Park with a big grin on her. She's going to take her gear off. With her bloody gob wide open. Yeah, she wants it. But they actually said to us before they left, they went, we just want you all to know

that this would not be happening if we were male cops. Right. I'm like, all right, we know the situation. Good, thanks very much. What did they mean by that? Like they would have gone harder on you? We would all be in the lockup. Oh, right, okay, yeah.

Which was their own prejudice. They came up with that. We didn't say it. It's like, okay. Well, why don't you just stick around, ask whatever we're drinking so we can do whatever we want and not get in trouble. I like that you just got it all out of your system

before you got married. Yeah, I haven't drunk since. Yeah. I got beers for everyone before the show. You've finished yours already. Yeah, is there another one? There can be. I'm going to get one.

There's more in the fridge. Yeah, go get it. All right, Harley, we are not strippers. I want to make that very clear. I love the idea of you being drunk and setting something on fire and then the fire police can rock up and go, oh, here we go. Off they come, fellas.

Then it's implanted in your brain for the rest of, even beyond the Bucks night. He gets so drunk he walks into the strippers and goes, whoa, the cops are here. We're busted. All right. I give up. Walking into the bank to deposit money. Oh, look at these slutty dolomites behind the counter. Yeah. Sl right. I give up. You're walking into the bank to deposit money. Oh, look at these. Slutty Dolomites behind the counter. Yeah.

Slutty Dolomites. Okay. That's great. The Dolomites, like you would have been, Tom, you would have been, we're roughly the same age. You would have been in the Dolomites. That would have been a bit after your time or did they? I didn't like money until the Dolomites introduced me to it.

But isn't that a weird thing that they're allowed to do that? Like basically like a bank is allowed to go into your school and like advertise to kids. Like when you put it on paper, it doesn't seem like a right thing. I remember it being introduced in the school. So it's like, how does that work that a bank gets the right to sign up everyone in a school? Like every five-year-old in a school. Because I'm still with them as are most of my friends. And it's all just from having an account with them when I was five.

Me too. And then just never bothering to change. We need to introduce this podcast into primary school education. Yeah, this will be a good episode from the start so far. A lot of drinking and stripper talk. Sure. I'm pretty sure Tony Abbott would support that. Because he has said he wanted all school students to read the Bible.

So this is similar. Yeah, very similar. We should just do like a show and tell tour. Yeah, Dickhead 316. Hello, it was a place for friendship. Tom Bell, I'm not sure if I've seen you. Maybe I've seen you once, but I think it must have been one of the last times I saw you

was we were at a wedding together. Yes. It was a very nice wedding in Melbourne of a mutual friend of ours, Michael Williams, who listens to the show. And it was a particularly enjoyable wedding for me because Tom Ballard, I don't know if you guys know, but he's on Triple J. Oh, I'm sorry. And he also steps on dogs.

Abuses animals. Yeah. Sorry. No, he's a little wimp. Yeah, no, he's fine. Don't worry about it. I stepped on him the other day. Tom Dog just got stepped on his face,

and he's apparently a bit of a wimp. Yeah. Made a yelp. So, yeah, we're at the wedding, and apparently everyone knew that Tom Ballard was on Triple J. I think that was... I think they made room for a little figurine of you on the cake as well. I think the concentration on Tom Ballard was high

at that event I did a reading only person to get a clap that's what I'm saying so what you mean like a lot of starstruck guests is that what you're saying

everyone just turned around their chairs to look at Tom it was just the focus of the wedding it was weird so they asked me to do a reading

and that was fine and when they said my name everybody clapped and went up there and then they didn't do that for anyone else so that was weird and then who else said my name, everybody clapped and went up there. And then they didn't do that for anyone else later on.

So that was weird. And then who else mentioned it? And then, oh, then Michael's dad gave the worst speech in the world. I don't know. There was a bit of competition on that day. So this is going to be a good episode for Michael. Oh, no, I enjoyed it much. But there was things where I was watching Michael at the time going,

you're just forcing yourself to enjoy this. Happiest day of my life. Happiest day of my life. No, just the speech has got a bit out of control but it was very funny. I think at some stage during Michael's speech he went, we get it, Tom Ballard's on Triple J, all right? Let's all get it out of our system.

Put in your super requests right now. Did I see, I think I saw this on your Twitter, like maybe a couple of days after the wedding, that someone had messaged you on there and was like, you stole my mate's seat at a wedding over the weekend. There was like some weird thing like that, like someone was having a crack at you on behalf of like someone who'd been at the wedding.

Yeah, maybe I went back. I think when I went to talk to another group of people, I must have stolen their seat. You went up for your third speech of the night. Well, I did a headline. Yeah, and I must have just taken someone's seat in the end. But that was weird too, to be at a friend's wedding and there are people there who I don't know

but who found the need to hit me up on Twitter. Have a go on Twitter for taking a seat, yeah. I'm trying to think, what did Michael's dad say? There was some fucking gold in there. Or was it the father of the bride said some incredible stuff? I think it was everyone. Honestly, I think it was everyone. Because the Masters of Ceremony were spiralling out of control all night.

It was... It's a thankless gig, though, being an MC at a wedding. Yeah. Yeah. wedding. Yeah. Or... Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I did it once.

I think I talked about it a few weeks ago. I did it... I'm not chomping at the bit to do it again. It's a bit of stress. It's someone's most important day of their lives. Absolutely. And there's some fuckhead getting up there, introing people by the wrong name.

Yes, absolutely. Yeah, yeah. And they book comedians. Quite often people book comedians. You talk in front of people. You'll be great. Yeah, but not for this event. One of the worst gigs of my life was my sister's wedding.

It was just fucking horrific. I'd been doing comedy for three months, and my sister was like, I want you to emcee the wedding. I went, that's a bad choice. And she came to comedy and handpicked the material she wanted me to use. I'm like, you want me to use material? I shouldn't do that. How do you handpick three months

in? You've got three jokes. Here's my five minutes. That's what you've got. And there's a three hour event. Anyway, I was doing material and getting nothing. And my sister was quite conservative. Was a virgin at 28. Her now husband was a virgin at 28.

Her now husband was a virgin as well. So it was all very Christian. There was five ordained reverence in the place. There was federal politicians because both of them worked for politicians. That is such a bad place for you to have a beer then accuse everyone of being a stripper. There was about 200 people as well and about half an hour into the proceedings, I hadn't been on stage for that long,

but I got back up and did another joke and went absolutely flat again. But one of my cousins, of which there were heaps in the room, gave out a little whimper of a laugh and another one of my cousins hit her and went, don't't you'll just encourage him so i went through with my plan to end the show as i had planned with a lip sync of ben harper's version of sexual healing because my sister was a virgin was that what you were

doing in your five minutes i didn't blackface I want everyone to know I didn't blackface. I just Afroed. I just Afroed. And then my brother dressed up as a woman for no reason, just my backup singer, and we went and gyrated on the bride and groom. It was a good gig. Wait, hang on.

I tuned out for a second. Are we still at your wedding or is this the grand final edition of the footy show that you're on now? Pretty much. It was suburban brisbane yeah there was men in dresses yeah that's like one huge version like ongoing version of the grand final edition of the show yeah one of the weirdest things i've ever seen is like i remember at high school uh the the go-to comedy piece for assembly was the kind of jock guys dressing up in girls' uniforms. Classic.

Comedy dynamite. Never failed to bring the house down. And then one day we're all in assembly and here we go, here come a couple of lovely girls to sing the national anthem and out come all the footy players dressed in the girls' uniform to just absolute silence from the crowd. And me and my mate are sitting there going, what's happening? Like my mate leans in and goes, I'm really scared.

Why is this not getting a laugh? Because the week before, it was like all of a sudden this line in the sand where – I like the idea that it's like the episode of The Wonder Years where you get the narrator, your future self going, and that's when I realised that we weren't little boys anymore. Men dressed up as women wasn't funny anymore I knew we'd grown up we couldn't go back

yeah it was like an entire school's worth of kids comedy tastes matured at the exact same moment in between those two assemblies all your comedy voices broke at the same time yeah

oh it was a yeah it was a weird moment it was like comedy did you go to high school with Chris Lilley yeah that's what they were a bunch of bloody Yeah, it was a weird moment. Did you go to high school with Chris Lilley? Yeah, that's what they were, a bunch of bloody... Yeah, I wonder if that's still... Like if there's still, you know, high school kids now still doing that

or if it's just like, mate, we bloody see that on the ABC every night. We don't need this in the school. No, that'd encourage them. Everyone would be like, yeah, let's be Chris Lilley. Yeah. Okay. Harley Breen.

Yes. I was at a gig with Harley Breen a couple of weeks back, and we decided to leave the gig. We were at Five Burrows, doing Five Burrows together. We left the gig. We went across the laneway, looking to still drink some further. Because we hadn't had our fill yet. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was only one in the morning, may I add. Yeah. Excuse me, sir. I'd like to drink some further because we hadn't had our fill yet yeah yeah it was only one in the morning may I add yeah excuse me sir I'd like to drink some further and we'd been there since 6.30 in the evening

so we hadn't had our fill yes so we went across the laneway and there was a place still open we said

oh jeez that's actually a bit rare in that laneway we go over there why is it still open the reason it was still open

was because Beyonce's backup dancers were drinking in there. Backup singers. Backup singers, sorry. Even more impressive. Yeah. If I do say so. Shout out to all the dancers that listen in.

One of them was French. You may have heard of French. Yeah. But yeah, which... Were they just Harley's brother dressed up? He was there. All the greats. They were being treated to some beautiful Australian manners

and culture and whatever by Harley just going, oh, you're the backup singers? Can I have a ticket for tomorrow night? No, sorry, can I have two tickets? Yeah, no, no. All right, so yeah, get us the two tickets, but I've got to go. I've got to drink more now. So, just Harley Breen, just look me up on the internet.

You'll find me somehow. But tomorrow night, two tickets. Just look it up. I would like to clarify. I'm on the internet. Slightly, but it's not really going to exonerate me at all. I didn't just go to that. I was firstly trying to get cosy with...

Anyway, whatever. I was at the front, found out that that's who they were, whatever, and my ex-wife had struggled to find a ticket and I thought that would be a nice thing to do to get her a ticket. What, to crack on to one of the singers? No, let's leave that bit. She'd go dance to all the single ladies, can't she? But there was a guy named Dave,

and I don't know who Dave was, how he was connected with Beyonce, but I think he was either their minder, or he wasn't a backup singer. He might have been a dancer or something. But I felt like he was just the minder. And he was the last one left, because he was trying.

So brother, Dave Knowles. Yeah. How did you know he was black? Anyway, he was. Dave Onsen I went up to him afterwards details

I had drunk a lot and I just said Dave this is me mate with all that stories and I have had a marriage

and anyway it's not important all I'm saying is I'm in love a second for my wife his wife

and listen you do I don't want to put any pressure on you but this is what I'm going to do I'm just going to write my name down for my wife. There's my wife. And listen, I don't want to put any pressure on you, but this is what I'm going to do. I'm just going to write my name down. And that's all you'll need. If you can get me a ticket and you type that into the internet,

you'll find me. Thanks, Dave. You're just turning up out the front of Rod Laverine the next day, just looking for the guy with the clipboard with the name Breen on it.

Being that guy at the airport but holding up your own name. Harley Breen. This is all you'll need to give me a free ticket. Please let me in. What a dick. What I was trying to do, I was trying to not impose myself. And I know that if you type in Harley Breen, there's one guy in Ireland who's got no profile really at

all there's another guy named John what a loser so I'm just saying he could have found me

easily and I didn't want to be one of those sucks trying to get a ticket which is exactly what I was and didn't give

him enough information to get me was making him do all the work imagine being a Harley Breen

in Ireland with no profile yuck imagine it'd be like me here in Melbourne do all the work. Imagine being a Harley breed in Ireland with no profile. Yuck. No free tickets. It would be like me here in Melbourne. Speaking of you talking about bars,

I was talking to someone the other day who it is their job to go around and review new bars and stuff. And she was telling me, I don't know if you guys have heard about this, but apparently she's found this bar in Melbourne that she reckons is like a secret Nazi bar. Have you heard about this? She went in and she said like... It's the Melbourne Club. It's named after one of Hitler's bunkers

and the colour scheme is like the uniforms that the staff wear are kind of like Nazi-esque. There's like stuffed mouse heads on the walls, kind of like that graphic novel mouse. And so all these things, too many of them stacked up in a row to be a coincidence. And so she's talking to the bartenders and she's like, hey, is this a Nazi bar?

And the guy behind the counter's like, no. Why would you ask that? Be honest. Nice. Can I have some orange juice? Get out. Get out. Get out. And she goes, she asks if it's Nazi wear and he goes,

he goes, no, no, it's not Nazi wear. And she goes, it just seems like, you know, the colour scheme and the uniforms and there's a lot of, too many things for this to be a coincidence. And he goes, no, it he goes no it's just it's just um the owner was going for like a bit of a alice in wonderland thing so that's just a coincidence like uh was is the wonderland auschwitz Duh Alice in Fuhrerland Sorry the rabbit hole Duh Alice Duh Alice

What a startling command of the German tongue Duh Alice You know what's good about Alice in Wonderland No black people It's very good I'm sort of fascinated by it now It's like it's Carlton. Wow.

Yeah. That's. Having had some trouble with the chosen people in my time, I just can't believe that bar would exist for a week. Yeah. I think people would be onto it. But if they're not, but if they're like, I want to know how long it could go with them just playing dumb and going, I don't know what you're talking about, guys.

Yeah. It's a Tibetan good luck symbol. But by the sounds of it, it's just decor, right? They're not preaching any rhetoric unless they're having secret little... But what bar has rhetoric? What bar has political ideas? And say what you will about the Nazis,

but they were snappy dresses. There's no denying. They could wear a shirt. They looked good. Do they only sell blonde beer? Pure blonde? No, actually, that's my favourite beer. So this Nazi bus is starting to sound more and more appealing.

If they've got special nights and private functions, that's the ones that we need to turn up to and see if there's some crazy neo-Nazi. So why go to all that trouble if you're then going to deny it, though? Yeah, exactly. Why go to elaborate? Well, it's like the Holocaust. And it's already quit, so it doesn't even matter.

So the denial is just part of the theme. That's just more layer on top of the theme of the bar. I don't actually believe this bar exists. I think they're taking over the bar next door as well. I'm one of those people I'm going to walk in there and still not believe it exists. It does exist, mate.

Six million people have been in there. There is a lot of soap in the bathroom. There is a lot. Oh, it was only a matter of time. But what's the bet

that we all go and investigate and go, let's go and investigate this disgusting Nazi bar that someone set up in our city and we'll complain to them and we'll get it shut down and go, let's go and investigate this disgusting Nazi bar that someone set up in our city and we'll complain to them and we'll get it shut down. And then all four of us would walk in there and go, this would be a pretty good place for comedy actually.

Stage over there, just under the swastika and it'd be really good. No, I'm keen. I'm keen then. Yeah. What would you call it? What would you call a comedy night in the Nazi bar? That's a really good question.

It would be... Zig Haile. Haile. Zig Ha Ha. Zig Ha Ha. Swastika Ha Ha. Ha Haile Hitler. It's like some great comedic minds just trying to work

hard into things the rule of naming a comedy room you have to have the noise that you want people to make in the title the comedy bunker yeah the comedy bunker that's a good one that's a thing comedy that will kill

millions of Jews Let's not settle on that one Let's keep thinking I've got one I've got one There's no wrong answers I've got one Oush wits

Oh yes As in being witty There we go What about spleen bar? Are you talking about spleen? Is this the Nazi bar where a guy rules with an iron fist?

Who runs that place anymore? Something else has been happening. I didn't get any gigs at Spleen this year is what happened. Oh, I meant next year. I like the thing about booking all my mates for gigs because it's like

the only people that ever complain are the people who've got gigs. They're the ones that want to stick the boots in. I never complain.

That must have been something else before. Okay, cool. A funny comparison. Yeah. It was funny too to say that I was one of history's

greatest monsters. Well, history will tell the story. Apparently he was very charismatic, alright guys? Not to pump your tyres up too much, but so far you are the front runner. You do have one ball and your parents are cousins. And you're wearing a red shirt. Like, fucking seriously. He had a hot missus.

There was still something going for him. Yeah, they got married, though. Yeah, okay. Well, there's the one difference between us then. Tom, is this why you've left Triple J? So you can finally get through that stockpile of Nazi jokes? No, no. You've got saved up?

This is all in context. That's my context here. Always good to remind people that midway through. Just so you all know there is context to this. Well, is it time for Australia's need the world's longest and greatest running cereal? I believe it is. Let's take a quick break and hear from Rad Dad. Rad Dad.

It's Rad Dad here and I'm here to say I'm just riding around in the Rad Dad way. Gotta watch a kid, a cat and a dog. Now see me be right in your catalogue. Yeah. Word to your mother. Cause I'm get it. Hello? Hi, little girl.

Are your parents home? Um, maybe. Oh, hey, aren't you someone? Didn't you used to be on the radio? Yes, that's right. I'm the Tom Ballard. I was a flagship talent on Triple J for many years. Pretty much put them on the map.

I had the idea for the third J. Is there anyone older than you in the house? I say, I know you're like a 10-year-old girl or whatever, but gee whiz, that's a tiny feminine voice you have there, even for your age. Yeah, thanks, Nigel. No job. I'll see if Rad Dad's home. Rad Dad, it's someone from Triple J.

Oh, awesome. You're from Triple J. Are you Tunny? No. Mikey and Helen? No. Are you the Sandman? No.

Flacco? Will Anderson? No. Miff Warhurst? Francis Leach? No. Are you American Rosso? No. Wob American Rosso? No.

Wobbsy McDonald? I don't think that is even a thing at all. Are you sure you work at Triple J? I think I just named everyone who's ever been on. Yes, I'm the Tom Ballard, and I used to work on Breakfast at Triple J. Okay, sure you did. So what do you want? Well, I'm kind of missing it already, you know,

so I'm going door to door with my iPod, seeing if you'd like to listen to some songs that I've selected. Yeah, okay, all right. Well, anything from The Offspring would be awesome. Yeah, I'm not sure if I've got any Offspring. Well, well, well, looks like I've found you out, Timmy Billiards, or whoever you reckon you are. Stop that.

You can't have worked for a radio station if you've got no offspring. You are a liar. I'm not a liar. Well, there's one way to decide this. Let's ask a random stranger walking by. Yes, that's the only way to get Harley in this. Hey, dude, is this guy a host on Triple J? Was I ever on your program?

No That's not actually true Were you? Yeah I was No I was You know I said it was great That I wouldn't know anything about your shit show See ya idiots

Triple J more like triple full of shit Oh Rad Dad Rad Dad! Rad Dad is filming in front of a live studio audience. And we're back. Good times. I think both the guests don't know what happened then. Are we not in that?

You will be. We will be. We will be. We'll fix it in post. And when I say fix, create 100% of it in post. I do really love that the new host of Spicks and Specks is responsible for that theme song people are looking up

like I'm not familiar with Josh Earle's work let's see if I can oh he did this theme song we need to pay someone to do some you know how you can sort of

toy with the results of Google so we need to make it so that when people Google Josh Earle number one Spicks and Specks number two the Rad Dad theme that'd be great

that's funny that you say that in that order, like the person who created Rad Dad is now... I think that was basically his audition piece. That's what got him over the line. He told me last night.

It actually was. This summer, it came to the live show, the live Melbourne show that we'll do a quick plug for, I guess. It's on our brand new website. It's on www.littledumbdumbclub.com

you can purchase it donate whatever you'd like to do and a big thanks once again to Joel at Auxiliary Design in Cairns for doing that website for us which is super sweet yep

but one of the dumb dumbs came up to us one of the listeners came up to me on the weekend and went hey I really like the podcast I was like and as you

we all want to do to go hey how did you get into it because it's such a weird thing to start listening to out of nowhere yeah i said how did you start listening yeah yeah yeah whoever's listening now you are a weirdo all right um so um i said how did you get into it and he said oh well i was walking down the street. I was at this Nazi bar. Yeah. I'm actually from Brisbane and I was on holidays in Melbourne.

I was walking down the street and I saw this big poster on the wall that said, hey, have you got something we can talk about on a podcast? Call me, Tommy, on 041,

whatever your number is. And he went, I'm going to have to edit that because that actually is my number? Yeah, that is fine. And if long-term listeners will know that that was the start of the little how I got my phone number given out because I gave Tommy's phone number out on about six posters.

So, you know, fair trade. So, he saw one of those posters, went back to Brisbane and said to one of his mates, hey, I saw this poster in Melbourne. Wonder what that means. His mate said, that's the little dum-dum club. That's Tommy Daslow's phone number. And then he went, oh, that's interesting. I might as well listen to every episode of it now.

Wow. That's great. What a weird way to get into it. Yeah. I like it though. Instead of seeing a poster for us, seeing a random weird want ad and going, oh, that's weird. Might start scrolling my ABN on the side of trams and stuff and see if that leads anyone our way. I might put my home address everywhere and when they rock up to my house and go, I don't know why I'm here.

I just read it. I'll be like, have you listened to my podcast? Reverse door to door. Yeah, I love it. Come in here. I'll subscribe you on my laptop. Let's get into it. Yeah, that's great.

I was keen to get into a podcast that's so desperate for content. They're putting posters up around the city and saying, call in if you have something for us to talk about. Yeah. That's the one for me. Yeah. The one that struggles so much. That's the one to talk about.

Yeah, like a politician that's put a poster up and had one of those tear-off sheets at the bottom. Like, just chuck that name on the voting form on the voting form all right well it sounds good he's proactive he's getting out there but is he so did he text me i don't think so so that's pretty like how dull must his melbourne trip have been if that's the one bit of news when he gets home yeah oh so i saw a poster with a phone number on it. Melbourne's bloody crazy, mate. It's so easy to get access to people. Well, it was the one poster in Melbourne. Yeah, that's the weirdest part of it to me.

It makes me think if we want to broaden our listenership, I should start putting your phone number out more places. That's what I think. Sure. It sounds like the only way of advertising. Well, a bunch of people have gotten onto it now. A bunch of people have worked out how to find it on the internet. So I've been getting a glimpse into your world.

Yeah, right. So it's just this special connection we have with our fans. Yeah. Special bond we have. Yeah. We're like Dane Cook, man. A great special bond where most of the time it's people texting me pictures of dicks and me saying no. You're all part of it, guys all you're all on this ride with us

we're all in this together hey you get proper abuse um like you're a fuckhead i hate you no jovial no yeah it's it's it's mostly for whatever whatever we attract or i attract it's mostly sort of haha you're a real fuckhead hahaha I'm like oh okay I get it that's a joke you got haha on the end of it that's funny but having said that since I started

sooking about it there have been some very lovely messages come in that say lovely things about how some people are in

you know poorer situations and less privileged maybe health wise and stuff like that and have said it's gotten us through you know

some hard times and whatever so it's very you know that's very appreciated and then I heard this and it inspired me to pull the plug

so adios yeah I was listening to it's like that Eminem song it's just I'm on my way to the Westgate I've listened to your podcast but when you think about it

it's like you know like you know Tom when you're ready to show you you have with Triple J you have the text line people can text in so it it's like you know like you know Tom with your radio show you have with Triple J

you have the text line people can text in so it's just like we don't have that that luxury of having that kind of set up so it's just like a budget version

of the text line where it's just ongoing and it's got nothing to do with the show just weird abuse and we used to do that when we sat down

on community radio in Warrnambool we just gave out our personal numbers on air and got people to text us and then we had to call like if we wanted to call them, we needed them to text us

so we could call them back and stuff. And it was just our friends so we had their numbers anyway. So they texted in and went, oh, it's Chad, I'll call you. I guess you're winning this Aqua CD, all right? Aqua, good reference. Hey, let me follow up Briefly on I've been talking A few weeks ago

About my housemate Driving around Vincent Cassell The French actor Yes I was waiting for a callback To this Yeah

He I quite enjoyed this So Vincent was filming A movie in Mount Eliza What's he known for What's this guy known for again Ocean's Twelve and Thirteen

Ocean's Twelve right And Being married to Monica Bellucci Oh that's right The Italian supermodel That's all I need to know eliza what's he known for what's this guy known for again oceans 12 and 13 right and uh being married to monica belucci oh that's right italian supermodel that's all i need to know uh the new danny boyle film as well yeah the trance trancy thing whatever i haven't seen it but yeah yeah he had some hot sex in that really hello hello um so anyway he's filming this film in man eliza and there's a lot of the film is basically basically him and kids. It's like him... I don't know what quite the plot is

but he's like one of the only adults in the film and they're filming at this... Castle to get our kids. Hang on. What? Across the stream, sir. So they're filming at this mansion on the peninsula and so they're kind of based around there

and there's enough rooms where they've got a green room for him and stuff that's away from the set and everything and so my housemate's in there with him and Cassell goes hey what about

if we get some alcohol in here and you know something to drink and my housemate I didn't know he was from New Zealand I'll do it Dutch

the one accent I'm known for and my housemate goes yeah great I'll just go go do that now and walks past the production manager and goes hey Vincent wants some alcohol so I'm known for. And my husband goes, yeah, great. I'll just go do that now. And walks past the production manager and goes, oh, hey, Vincent wants some alcohol.

So I'm just going to go get him some beers to drink in there. And the production manager's like, this is a set and we've got kids on the set. So you can't have any alcohol anywhere on this property while we're here. Sorry. He's like, oh, that's cool. He goes back to Vincent and goes, hey, sorry,

but they just said that I can't bring you alcohol in. Sorry about that. And he goes, I don't care. And he's like, my housemate's like, hey, sorry, but they just said that I can't bring you alcohol in. Sorry about that. And he goes, I don't care. And he's like, my housemate's like, yeah, cool, you know, that's cool that you're being so chill about that and just accepting the rules. And he goes, no, I don't care about the rules. Please go and get me some alcohol. So

my housemate had just run down to the Thirsty Camel and smuggled in some alcohol. So he's doing stuff like that for him and they've developed a bit of a bond and spending a lot of time together and then it gets near the end of him him because he's left now but towards the end he was starting to think oh you know i'm gonna get you know i wonder what's gonna at the end if there's gonna be a bit of a bit of a tip he the final day he goes to pick him up from his hotel to take him to the airport and he's thinking i wonder what's coming my way and uh vincent just

brings him a half drunk bottle of wine from his puny bar and that's it how do you like that? that's a couple of glasses that's also him just getting rid of evidence of him breaking the rules and hiding it from the kids from someone who is a millionaire is he a millionaire?

yeah he's worth a fair bit how do you know he's worth that much? I looked him up on money.com? I've looked him up. Oh, really? On money.com? My housemate looked him up after that and was like, what's this guy worth? But yeah, how's that as a bit of a I don't know, give him a hundred bucks or something.

In Vincent's defence, your housemate was paid a wage to do the job he did. This is true. So he doesn't require a tip. I also don't know if my housemate is in the house at the moment. I haven't told him I'm going to talk about this on the podcast so I'm feeling a bit weird about this whole exchange. I just actually realised we're in

your house. Seriously. Where did you think we were? This isn't the fucking scenic railway, mate. I didn't climb the outside to get in here. Have you been drinking all day and you just woke up then? Yeah, I have because I had my kids in six this morning, so obviously I've been drinking.

Oh, it's just sad. Yeah. I don't care. But yeah, even if I'd been paid, I'd be pretty cut. Because you'd start thinking, like someone famous and a star, you'd be thinking I'm getting a nice watch or a, you know. You don't understand why you would think that. I wouldn't think that.

Really? I would hope that my check cleared every week because that's my job. I would never think I'm getting a gift at the end. I wouldn't be like expecting it, but I'd be thinking this is a chance. If this guy is a millionaire like you say he is, and I don't know if he is, but if he is, you're thinking I'm working for a well-off guy. What's a hundred bucks to him? Yeah, exactly.

You know, he's happy. He's got a great job. He's got a very, very attractive wife. Ex-wife. Ex-wife. Oh, ex-wife. Yep. There you go, Chandler.

Look her up. I was looking her up whether she was married or not. Don't worry. I don't think either of you understand the idea of employment at all. Mate, you're sitting here doing our free podcast with us. Of course we don't understand the idea of employment. And we're Mate, you're sitting here doing our free podcast with us. Of course we don't understand the idea of employment. And we're thinking, oh, what's coming? You know, I don't know how many times we've done this yet.

We've had a few free beers. Never got a gift. Have you, Bella? No, you've just drunk two of my beers. And I'm getting a third one. I'll get me one while you're up as well. Oh, Christ. See, that would plague you. If people knew that you're rich and how much you earn if you're up as well. Oh, Christ. That would plague you.

If people knew that you're rich and how much you earn if you're a famous person, every scenario ever, people would look at you going, hey. I'm almost going to say I would prefer getting, I'd sort of prefer nothing than a half-drunk bottle of wine. You know? If he thought that, if he was like, like okay i am going to give this guy a gift what gift will i give him oh this half drunk bottle of wine will do that's inappropriate but if he was walking and going oh hey i wasn't going to give this fuck at anything but i do like him

here's this bottle of wine i want to give this to him or maybe he went to drink from the bottle of wine said no no the remains of this from my French lips, yeah, she'll go to Tommy Dazzolo's house. It's that old problem. What do you get the man who has a lot less things than you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. As long as it was anything. As he's boarding the plane, he goes, here you go, mate, have some Hollywood dregs.

Hollywood dregs would be a good gossip column title for you. Yeah. Good film as well with just like C-grade celebrities. Yeah, yeah. Or childhood stars. Yeah, yeah. Hollywood Dregs. Oh, great name.

Hollywood Dregs. Nice to meet you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I can see why you got that nickname at the start because it sort of covers up your last name, which is a bit ordinary. Well, when we get there, when we reach the top of the podcast tree,

finally, Tom Gaslight, when we get guests on, instead of just giving them full bottles of beer, we can get them much bigger half bottles of beer. See this? I know that you've just had a month off beer, right? So this is clearly beer from a party a long time ago. Oh, no, no, no.

Because this is a lolly bag of beer. There's not one matching beer in that fridge. Yeah. No, no. You've got a lot of mongrel beers here. Yeah. Yeah. No, but that's – we have people around a bit and it's like if you have a party and

you tell people to bring booze, that sets you up for the next month. So you just have a party every month and then you don't need to buy a beer again. That's great. You're the cheapest motherfucker I've ever met. He's getting completely 180 from drinking or whatever. This is what I did today. I made my triumphant return to the gymnasium. You've probably noticed how I've gone from an absolute

massive unit to just a massive unit lately because I've been away from the gym. And now I'm back. I made it in my darkest hour. I made the promise in my darkest hour in Thailand as I was spewing myself into a coma. I went, you know what? It's all changing. And shooting at the same time. Yeah, yeah. It's all changing.

It's all changing. My life is changing. Do you ever do that When you're really ill Every time I'm sick When I'm really ill I'm like never I'm sorry God I'll be different from now on

And then as soon as you're better Like oh fucking pizza It'd be good Yeah yeah It's like It's a wonderful life Yeah And then you get back out of it

And it's like Fuck those orphans That was That was me Literally the first thing I ate Not literally though Yeah yeah No no

Alright good That was me, literally the first thing I ate. Not literally, though. Yeah, no, no, no. All right, good. French, bitch! Yeah, yeah, just me. Fuck. I got off the plane, the first solid I ate was McDonald's. Great. So it hadn't changed that much, but I went, you know what, I've got to go back to the gym, that's it, I'm going to go back. Went back today, and I saw this

I saw a lady in there on an exercise bike ride now I know that's probably not the most exciting thing to get on none of the gyms

do you think that's not allowed no no yeah I was like what year am I in who's the president I went into my

oh fuck is this Fernwood I went into my Nazi gym and I was like how dare they so I went in there oh fuck is this Fernwood I went into my Nazi gym and I was like how dare they so um I went in there there was a lady

on an exercise bike and um you know I understand when people go in I do it myself go in there with the headphones on you listen to music

as you're doing stuff maybe as a motivation maybe as a distraction but she was on the exercise bike with a book and was reading like a novel

on the exercise bike and I was like was reading like a novel on the exercise bike and I was like I reckon that's weird already. Yeah. That's weird. But then I looked where you've got like a console where you can put your keys

and your wallet and whatever it is. She got a backup book. Oh. She got two books. She brought two books. Really? How far is she riding?

Exactly. Either how far is she riding or she's brought a book just in case her riding is too boring and she's brought another book just in case her riding is too boring and she's brought another book in case that book is too boring as well. People need a lot of stimulation. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or I'm thinking maybe it's like a cool down book. Like maybe if she's got like, if she's reading 50 Shades of Grey, she gets a bit heated. She whips out a bit of Harry Potter to cool her down maybe. Because I do that with music. When I'm like going through the run, I'll try and have like kind of real pump up stuff. Yeah. But then at the end when I'm stretching, it's just a bit of, you know, lighter sort of gear. Yeah.

Do you really? Yeah. I need something that's like kind of, you know. Really? Yeah. Yeah. What do you mean when you're stretching at the end? Do you stretch at the end?

Yeah. Oh, you've got to stretch at the end. Oh, do you? Yeah. Stretch your muscles or set me up. That is so bad for you to not stretch after you run. I do any do you not oh man you you stretch at the start yeah no it's apparently cool down apparently the start if you if you don't do that it's like not that big of a deal like it's not going to really affect you in the long run but like stretching do you

not know are you not like fucked the next day after you run? No, I'm pretty good. I've started drunk running. Have you? Yeah. That's much easier, isn't it? It's good fun. Yeah. But if it's away from the cops, that doesn't count.

No, I mean it's actually not drunk running. It's after a gig that I've only had one or two and I've come home. It's late at night. It's pretty much my only opportunity to go running. Yeah. Fairly busy life being a father. Single. Anyway.

And then I just go running. There's not really an end to this story. No, but where do you drunk run to and from? Do you read a book? I read a book. I have a can of beer in my pocket. Half a can. No, I just run from my house in Elwood up and along Elwood Beach

and back to my house for about 28 minutes. And just cry the whole time. Just crying. Oh, I could never run away from myself. When I get back, it's just going to be me in that shithole I can afford. Where my son isn't. Do you have running gear? Are you running in jeans?

No, I just run in a flannelette shirt and jeans. That's all I've ever seen you in. I have my training flannelette. With the sleeves cut off? I have all matching Adidas, actually. Really? Yeah, three stripe. Man, I'm going to have to come aroundidas, actually. Really? Yeah, three stripe. Man, I'm going to have to come around for a run.

Let's go for a run. Yeah. Not now, we're busy. Well, I thought you'd drunk enough, so surely you're ready. You've been doing your stretching with your throat for the last hour. Yeah, you know there's not electrolytes in beer, don't you? That's not Gatorade. At the starting line, just chugging.

Do you remember that guy Jumping Jay? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Was he pole vaulting? He was the other one. No, long jumper. No, no, no. High jumper. High jumper.

Yeah. The guy that his lead up to the Olympics where he got silver for Australia, he would eat pizza, stay up late, smoke cigarettes, drink beer and got silver. Yeah. That's great. What a legend. That's great. What a legend. That's like... If I was coach, I'd be going,

you know why you didn't win gold? I don't think that propelled you to silver. I think that brought you back from gold. Maybe next year. Maybe next year, let's just try medium pizzas every day instead of large and just see where that gets us. Yeah.

let's just try medium pizzas every day instead of large and just see where that gets us. If you didn't weigh 10 kilos more than the guy in first place. I'm obviously a big fan though because I didn't know his sport and I got his name wrong because I'm pretty sure it's Chumping Jai. Yeah, yeah. All you did was Google pizza and then you saw her name and went, yep, that's my favourite sportsman. It's just the story about the CEO of Domino's winning a race once

that you found on their website. Well, guys, I think that is just about all the time we have for today on the Little Dum Dum Club. Harley Bray and Tom Ballard, thank you very much for joining us. Thank you. Tom, you are doing the Adelaide Fringe. You guys are both doing the Adelaide Fringe, I believe, for which tickets have just gone on sale for next year.

Yes, please. Tom Bell, your show, Unaustralian-ish. Do you want people to pronounce the brackets or are you not too fast? Yeah, yeah, yeah, big time. Yep, Unaustralian, open brackets, ish, close brackets. Well, that would be annoying. To give it its full title? When they're waiting in the audience for the show to start

and they're chanting the name of the show, it's important that they say it correctly oh please someone get that going please someone make that a thing oh it could be the new

it's like a comedy version of like people throwing spoons at showings of the room people chant your show titles before you give

I love it in reality how does that go go let's chant it now okay an Australian open brackets ish, close brackets. It's easy and it's fun.

This year was hell. My ego is better than your ego. Thank you so much. No, there's no brackets, no bloody grammar, no nothing in that show. No bloody nothing, mate. Yep. Harley Breen, The Secret to Being Awesome is your show. That is right. Yeah. Presented by, The Secret to Being Awesome is your show.

That is right. Yeah. Presented by Rad. Presented by Rad. Oh, really? Have you got Rad on board? That's the presents line. Yeah, they've been looking at me over the last couple of years. The good people at Rad.

Just signed me up. Rad have come on board with awesome, so I'll be happy about that. Good synergy. AdelaideFringe.com.au is where you can get all that stuff from. We've got our website. We mentioned LittleDumbDumbClub.com.au is where you can get all that stuff from. We've got our website. We mentioned LittleDumbDumbClub.com. Get on there. Have a poke around.

You can find all our merch and various things. Yeah, T-shirts and the live show if you haven't got on board that. You can donate. You can have a little chip in for all your little free content you've been getting off your two little best mates. Yep. And also something else we need to plug, friendship. Yeah.

Just be nice to each other, guys. It's nice to have... Like Harley's got a new sponsor, we've got need to plug, friendship. Yeah. Just be nice to each other, guys. It's nice to have... Like Harley's got a new sponsor, we've got friendship on board apparently now. Yeah. It's nice to have good people in your life. Yeah. All right. Well, that is all the time for today.

Thank you very much for joining us and we'll see you next time. See you, mates.