The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 17 - Peter Helliar

Episode Date: February 15, 2011

Parents Houses, Lack of Cheezels and Peter Russell's Cock. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

All righty. Hey, mates. Welcome to another episode of The Little Dumb Dumb Club. My name is Tommy Daslow. Thank you for listening. I should point out, because I've forgotten to do it every other week, that we are recording this show in the SynFM studios in Melbourne. So thanks to them for letting us use it, because I got an angry email from them this week, so now I've got to mention it. Sitting opposite me, my co-host, as every other week, a man who yesterday afternoon left a conversation with me because he got a phone call and said, oh, just getting a call from interstate, better go.

It's probably something big about a gig or something. They probably want me to fly up there and do a gig. And then sheepishly came back a minute later, and when I said who was on the phone, he looked back at me and said, wrong number. Ladies and gentlemen, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. Hey, mate.

How you doing? Yeah, good. It's a good night. We're sitting here drinking beers, which we've never done before. Yeah, but are you able to actually hold up that beer after that savage rap over the knuckles by community radio? Yeah, it did sting because the email said, you were meant to mention the station in the podcast, and I noticed that you haven meant to mention the station in the podcast

and I noticed that you haven't done it in any of the episodes. Can you rectify this? And I went, well, I can't really go back and digitally insert a mention of the studio, so no. But at least they've picked that up after 12 weeks. Yeah. Well, no, it's 16. It's been ages.

Yeah, it's been ages. Have I been here for every week? Yeah. You've been drunk a couple of times. Right. We should mention also on the way into the studio, there's some kind of vicious break dance battle going on on the basketball courts out there. It was electric boogaloo.

Yeah, it was a bit weird. It was a bit much. Anyway, we better get stuck into it. We've got a great show today. It's going to be a lot of fun. We're very psyched to have our guest here in the studio. You might know him from all sorts of telly and stand-up and radio. The one and only Peter Hellyer.

Yay! Come on. Yes. And I'm also sitting in the Sin FM studios, and I thank them for the chair, the desk. Yeah. They didn't buy the beer, but everything else is them. So thank you, Sin FM. Yeah, thank you, Sin FM.

Thanks for the balsa wood table that we're sitting at. Yeah, yeah. Carl bought the beers. This felt so naughty, like, sneaking this in. Well, you're not allowed to do it. No, you're not allowed. And then there's a big sign on the door that says, strictly no food or drink in the studio.

And I thought, we'll see about that. Yeah. Well, I think there's another angry email coming your way. In 16 weeks' time. Yeah, well, but at least I've mentioned the studio. So fucking pick your battles is what I say to you. You're right. There is a rap battle going on outside.

I was a bit freaked out. I thought we were just going to come in under the cover of darkness and have a chat with some beers, and it'll just be us. Yeah. There is, seriously, like there's some beats going on out there. I think I saw a rap match. That's insane. I think there was a flattened out cardboard box for a washing machine.

There's Greg Fleet's newspaper from last week is still lying on the ground there. Yeah, because I heard the music when we came around the corner. I thought that must be like someone in a building nearby is having a party or something. Yeah. There's just people, one guy was standing on the corner smoking a durry and still kind of like dancing just on his own. Yeah. Oh, I thought that guy was having a piss.

No. I was happy with the durry. No. Yeah. I thought I thought they thought I was having a piss. No. I was happy with the durry. No. Yeah. I thought it was going to get awkward. I thought Peter was going to get recognised. No, I actually, my head was down. I was walking.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought this could get awkward. I started to go a bit, I went a bit Kevin Costner to your Whitney Houston. I was like. You carried me out of there. Yeah, I was going to take a rat bullet for you. Mate, you can do your sports jokes all you want, but can you fucking throw down?

That's what they want to know. I'm not sure if I can throw down, but they're good kids. They might be listening to this, and they're good kids, good on them, and I'm pretty sure they're going to save that hospital. Yeah. Because normally it's just, if anything, there's just people playing basketball out there, but... Yeah.

Rap battle's probably making too much of it. There's probably about six guys out there, and they're all dancing. It's like they're waiting for the girls to come. Yeah. They've got their own space, and there's some beats, and they're jiving. Sorry, I'm using the language of a 35-year-old white man. And they're just waiting for some action to happen. You're probably like me.

I just get scared of anyone younger than me on the street now. They're all still 20 years older than Dassolo. I was going to say, does that mean you're terrified of me constantly? Well, you're the exception to the rule. I badge your car at least once a week. Yeah. You are wrong. I get scared of more people now.

I don't know why that is. I feel I can take care of myself. I don't get scared of anyone older than me. I'm like, that's fine. Sometimes I do older as well. Really? Yeah. I'm scared of my kids.

They're not older than you probably, though. I'm scared of my father-in-law. He's older. I'd like to know what sort of time-travelling sex you're having if your kids are older than you. It's pretty weird. It's out there. I always found there was a weird thing.

When I was going through school, there was always a thing, that unspoken thing, where you'd be kind of scared of the kids in the years above you. Like you'd never talk shit back to them. There was respect. Yeah, but then me and my mates, when we were in year 12, we just found, and this isn't just specific to us, this was like our whole year level, all the kids below us suddenly were hanging shit and coming up

and giving it grief in the tuck shop line, and you're going, what the fuck's happened? I like that. Because that was like us. I like that at age 14 or 15, you're going, looking back, you're a 15-year-old, and you're saying, look at these 12-year-olds. Don't they know respect? Yeah.

And they're 15-year-olds. Yeah, yeah. I have three kids, and I'm married. I've been married for seven years. And we actually drove back from the Mornington Peninsula today in Victoria. And we did look at ourselves and looked at each other and thought, fuck, we're getting old. When a pee played a sped by, somebody shook our heads and we thought,

oh, yeah, because his life is so much more important than that. We'll see him in the next set of lights. Yeah, he's probably rap battling right now. I thought, oh, yeah, because his life is so much more important than that. We'll see him in the next set of lights. Yeah. He's probably rap battling right now. And also just the act of being in the Mornington Peninsula. It's a lovely area of the world. Yeah. I recommend it.

Let's dive into something I did today. My parents called me during the week and said, can we have breakfast on the weekend? We've got to talk to you about some things. I was like, Jesus, what's going on here? They're going to break up with you. Yeah, it felt like that. And then we sit down and I'd gone, what's it about? Can you tell me what it's about?

And Dad's like, oh, it's nothing serious. We just want to have a bit of a chat. So I sit down and Dad, before we've even ordered any drinks, goes, right, so me and mum have been doing our wills and we just need to talk about that. We need to talk about who's going to be the executor. And going through, he's like, so if I die, everything I have goes to mum. And if mum dies, everything she has goes to me. If we both die at the same time, like we're on a plane and that goes down, everything goes to you. If, say, the three of us are on a bus and that bus goes off a cliff,

then between the three of us, and I'm like, well, I have nothing. I have a telly and my mate Drew can have that. I'm fine with that. Between the three of us, our assets will, well, I have nothing. I have a telly and my mate Drew can have that. I'm fine with that. Between the three of us, our assets will be divided up between my brothers and then their families and then that'll be trickled out. So, you know, you don't want to be too morbid, but you've just got to have a plan and you've got to think about it. And I'm like,

well, what if us and all your brothers and all their kids and stuff, what if we're all like a family reunion? King Ralph style. And like a Boeing 747 crashes into the park that we're at. What then? Where do the assets go? And Dad was like, don't be like that, don't be so morbid. You've got to have a plan. You've got to think about these things.

Yeah, but they were telling me that they're, because I've moved out of home and I'm an only child and they're starting to get lonely. And they're thinking of selling the house and they're thinking of moving down to Mount Eliza. Well, how much? Which way do you want to be? How do you feel about them selling the family house? Fine.

Are you fine? Really? My parents have discussed selling the house, the family house, and I get a bit upset about it because it's like my bedroom. It's still my bedroom. Yeah. And I like being able to go back there. Yeah, but this is what I found.

See, because I moved out nearly a year ago, and my parents just instantly turned my room into a guest room. And then I went back there to stay, and I was like, it's just weird. You're in a different bed. It's like it's your room. It's got all the stench of your past failures and just awful things that you've done. Failures of what?

Seeming from the walls. What are your failures? Don't be embarrassed about wanking. Everyone does it. If the stench is still there, maybe do something about that. Get some chips. Get in there. Pay for a cleaner to get rid of it.

If the stench is still there, do something about that. But don't be embarrassed by it. He failed at wanking. Why did that smell? There shouldn't be a stench there. If the walls could talk, they'd say, oh, don't look at me. Right after I first moved out, I went home for a bit just during the day and my parents were both at work and I went up into my old bedroom and I thought, this will be thrilling.

I'm going to have a wank in my old bedroom in its current form. So anyway, I go from whatever else. Obviously, you don't have a sister. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then I leave and then about a week later, I'm out for dinner with my parents, and Mum goes, did you have a sleep when you were around the other day? And I'm like...

Did you sleep with yourself? Yeah. I'm like, no. And Mum goes, just because all the blinds in the room were down when I got home. And I'm like, yeah, I had a sleep. I forgot. I forgot just before that I went to sleep for an hour. I had a crafty sleep.

And there was jizz on the pillow. What was the sleep all about? It was a great sleep. It was a really exciting sleep. But no, I'm fine with it. I'm fine with them selling the house. I don't, I mean, it's weird, isn't it? Where do your folks live?

In Bundura. Right. Still on campus? They are still on campus. Rodney Dangerfield back to school style. Mum's always wanted to move, but Dad's always been quite steadfast in, no, this is where we live and we like it here, and Dad's made some shitty renovations to the house over the years,

and they're happy. But my bedroom's not set up like my bedroom anymore. It's got a desk and a computer and a filing cabinet. I'm not sure what's in the fucking filing cabinet. Any posters on the wall still? My mum has some posters of me, like some festival posters. Oh, yeah, yeah. Which I've been meaning to knock off and put up in my own house.

He better. But it's still, I don't know, it's changed a little bit over the years, but still it feels like home. And I, so I can't, it's selfish. It's selfish of me because they, if they move, they're going to move into a much nicer place. Yeah. But I want them living in this shithole. Yeah. Occasionally go back to and go, ah, this is home. All right, see ya.

Yeah. I guess the one great thing though is my parents, their house at the moment, they have a pool, which is good, which is always good to know that you've got a pool that you can go back to. But, you know, they'll move to Mount Eliza and then I'll be going out, you know, to go and hang out with them will be like whatever it is, an hour or so drive and I'll be going, ah, it's always good to get a free meal and then I'll go down there and come back and go, fuck, that free meal costs 40 bucks worth of petrol. That'll really inconvenience you bodging money off them.

I know, won't it? Yeah. Is it Mount Eliza or is it Frankston? Be honest. No, Mount Eliza is there. Yeah. Is there? Bright, bright, bright and all Mount Eliza.

Right. Which, what a cliche. See, my mum and dad, Luke, I come from the country originally. I come from Meriburra. If you've ever heard of Meriburra, it's like two and a half hours away. And so if I have to go back and see them, it's back there. So that's where I grew up and whatever. So it's a bit like that.

I feel a bit like I'll have no attachment to my hometown anymore if they move because there's no way I'm going back there if they're not there. Right. It's a bit of a shithole. So, yeah, but – Do they – so the locals, do they know what you do? Do they support you? No, no.

Because I went to Warrnambool. I did a gig there this time last year. I mean, Limo went down there and did a gig and went to a pub afterwards. And, fuck, they just got stuck in the Husey and Tom Ballard. Oh, they're loving it. Oh, really? Both Warrnambool boys. Friends of the show.

Friends of the show and great comedians and great blokes. But the locals, it's just like there was a weird kind of, you know, like you can tell they're probably actually proud of them. Yeah. But there was also a little bit of, you know, if I was. Why doesn't Husey drive up back and forth to the radio show? He should stay here. He won't be back living in Warrnambool anymore.

What's wrong with us? It is weird how Warrnambool's become like the comedy capital of Victoria. It's like the Liverpool of comedy in Australia. Well, he produced some AFL football. Jonathan Brown is a very good footballer. He's from Warrnambool. And some others. We don't have time to mention that.

We don't have time on this podcast. But, no, it's a good place to do comedy, but it's wonderful. But, yeah, there's a – Right. Tall poppy syndrome up there. So let me ask you this, and no disrespect. Was there a bit of – it was you and Limo. Were they a bit shitty that, you know, where's Husey?

Why hasn't he bothered to make the trip with you? Not so much at the gig. It was more afterwards. It was more afterwards, to be honest. I mean, there was a lot of chanting, Hughsy, Hughsy. I didn't put those two things together. So thinking back of it now that you mention it, I guess it was a bit of a vibe at the gig.

But, hey, good night at Softbelly tonight. Yeah, it was. We had the pleasure of to Softbelly tonight. Yeah, it was. We had the pleasure of seeing at Softbelly Comedy on a Sunday night, we had the pleasure of seeing Pete Hellyer do stand-up and Fiona O'Loughlin and Greg Fleck. There was a big line-up.

I think it might be still going there somehow. I think Fleety is still going. Fleety's still introducing acts that aren't there and the crowd aren't there. Yeah. When Fleety was introducing me at one point, I thought, is there actually somebody else on before me? Because this doesn't sound like it's my intro.

I saw Fleety during, I think while you were on, went to get some chips from the bar and got the shits that they didn't have Cheezels there. That's very good. Well, that's actually my wife. We were driving, again, down to Dramata. Hang on, Fleety's your wife? Yeah.

It's a long, complicated story. I think Floody went to get those chips during Pete's intro. But we stopped at a Servo, and my wife's birthday on Friday. We had a big party. We were a little bit hungover, but, yeah, we'd waited long enough. It was safe to drive, and my wife drove. And we stopped. We thought, yeah, we need something. Let's just to drive, and my wife drove. And we stopped. We thought, yeah, we need something.

Let's just get one of those vitamin waters. Let's pay $5 for those. And I'm going to get some kettle salt and vinegar chips. And she was looking for the Cheezels. No Cheezels. Now, where are we in this great nation of ours? It's so close after Australia Day that there's no cheesels in a fucking server. Yeah, that's weird because on Australia Day, I was at a friend's barbecue

and I went, I'll go up to the shops and get some chips. And I went to the local 7-Eleven and they were saying, get the original Doritos and then get some salsa. You don't want your flavouring on your chips that you're dipping into salsa. It's overload. Get the plain green ones. I go there. They've got the cheese supreme.

They've got the nacho supreme. Do you think they had any original? No. What are you doing not selling any of the original flavour? And I think there have been some, moving on to confectionery, there have been some knee-jerk reactions to obviously some slow periods. Can we send this podcast to the council? I hope so.

This is my thing. The original Milo bar, I actually thought was a decent bar. It was original. Nothing else was like it. And now they've changed it to almost,

it's basically kind of a Chiquito. Right. Yeah. I love a Chiquito. Yeah. But if I want a Chiquito, I'll have a Chiquito. I remember the bar you're talking about.

It's like hard. Yeah, it's like a heavier Chiquito. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. The Chiquito was almost like the diet Milo bar. Right, yeah. It was like a little bit wispier, a little bit lighter. Yeah.

Carl's just looking at us like he's never experienced candy before in his life. No, no, no. Do you eat chocolate? I'm completely on board because I found out that the recent problem for me is that I love to, like, if I go to a gig, I'll probably have a curry before the gig. Really? Yeah, but then I come out and I want to have, like, a bit of sweet afterwards.

And so I go to a 7-Eleven and I love, I always get M&M's, plain M&M's. 7-Elevens no longer carry plain M&M's. What? But they do carry peanut M&M's. What about crispy? No, no, no, just peanut. Just peanut. How can you carry peanut M&M's and not carry, it's like carrying Joni and Chachi and not

Happy Days. Why have the Inferior spin-off? Why not have the Great Original? Yeah, you're right. Exactly. That's an exact metaphor. That's exactly what I thought. That was actually perfect.

That's why I was like, I'm not even sure where to go. That's actually perfect. That's the same thing about the Doritos. It's the same thing about the Doritos at 7-Eleven. Why are you having cheese supreme and nacho cheese? Stop kidding yourselves. It's pretty much the same flavour. And not having the plain original.

Listen, I love your salt and vinegar. That's my absolute thing. Whenever I go see a movie, I've got to have my packet of salt and vinegar chips and I fucking love salt and vinegar chips. But there is a point where there's enough salt and vinegar chips on the shelves. There's like seven different kinds of salt and vinegar chips.

But so when there's no chisels, you start going, well, where's the fucking balance? Yeah. Because we love putting chisels on our fingers. I'll teach my kids that. I can't teach my kids many things because I don't know a lot of stuff. Yeah. But I can teach them how to put a fucking chisel on a finger. Yeah, that's classic.

That's just classic stuff. That's farther than what I want. Once you discover that, it's game over. You never look at food again the same way again. Cats in the Cradle. Yeah. Cats in the Cradle with a chisel on every finger. That's how that song goes, isn't it?

That's exactly it. Yeah. I think it was the Ugly Kid Joe version. Yeah. I think there's something else on the fingers of Ugly Kid Joe. Oh, you're winding up on Ugly Kid Joe. Shit, man. I don't even know if this is going to be an ambush.

It's my favourite band. Is that the Triple M coming out of you? It is. I'm on the patches. I'm getting it out of my system. But ugly kid Joe. Right, well, that's what I was going to say to you. Because as of, look, this is breaking news for Dumb Dumb Clubbers.

But as of next week, we are going to be on the digital arm of Triple M. Oh, really? Yeah. And I thought, well, what if you had come a week earlier and we had asked you to come into the Triple M studios? Would there have been bad blood? No, I actually... You've just started shaking at the front door

and then collapsed in the fetal position. I'm in the fetal position as we speak. No, I have been back to the studios. And for those who don't know, I did 18 months on Triple M in Melbourne with Miff Warhurst. And, you know, we had a – it's actually three hours of doing radio. It's fun. Yeah.

And it's just with good people. Really? Because an hour or so of this is hell on earth. Yeah, but we get to, you know, play a song. He had Miff, not me. We get to play a song, play some ads. You can take a shit in that time. It's all right.

You can have some peeny time. He had someone good to look at. Yeah, myth was delightful. So we had a great time doing it for the majority of the time. It's just all the politics of what goes in the show and when a show's not working. I mean, you know who's radio is great for at the moment? Hamish and Andy because they can do whatever they like

and they've got sponsors who are lining up and they deserve it because they're funny guys and they're great guys and good on them. But when you're starting out and trying to break in a show, it's fucking tough. And when people, when the're starting out and trying to break in a show, it's fucking tough, you know. And when people – when the result doesn't go your way, everyone's going, well, let's change the show. Why can't we just leave the show for a little while and see if there's a reaction to it? With that said, I've been back to Triple M, and actually there's some great people.

You're going to have a great time at Triple M, and there's some great people who still work there. Yeah, yeah. So it was never – was there ever any suggestion of – we had Tom Gleeson in a couple of weeks ago, and he was the Metro for a while. Was there any ever mention of maybe you having a nickname? Like Hellsy? Hellsy. Nip and Hellsy?

Nip and Hellsy. The Hell Dog? Hellraiser. Thankfully, I think, because I'd done enough work elsewhere on Rove and before the game, they didn't feel the need to push a name on me. If you weren't in that position

because your name, you know, Pete you can't really, Peto, Petey doesn't quite Peto's not great. He's a dodgy radio character. He can't go Helsey, Helsey doesn't work. You would have ended up as that guy that has the nickname that's not based on your name at all.

You would have been like the fucking, the bear or whatever. You would have had some shit name like that. What do you reckon our names would be? If Carl and I were a radio duo, what would it be? Be gentle. The Das. The Das. The Das.

I'm fine with that. Or Tommy D. Yeah, Tommy D. Tommy D. Chando and the Das. Chando and the Das. Or Tommy D. Yeah, Tommy D. Tommy D. Chando and the Das. Chando and the Das. Chando and Tommy D. Tommy D and the Chan Dog.

Yes! KD and Tommy D. KC. KC and the Sunshine Dash. KC, KC. KC and the Sunshine Dash. His name's like Carl Dandler. So I thought you were Carl Dandler.

What am I doing here? The Carl Dandley Warhols. There's a guy, I think it might be in Brisbane or Adelaide. It's always weird when you go into state and you see the big billboards for their local brekkie teams and they've got the three names and you get so used to Pete Miff or whoever is the big one in town at the time that when they're people you don't know, you're like, who the fuck? There's a guy in one of the brekkie teams, either Brisbane or Adelaide, and his name's

Dizeldy and he's on the marquee. And that to me seems like such an odd name for the radio station because you see it on the billboard and you're like, Dizeldy. It looks, it's really. Yeah, I think he's got photos of somebody because how that name stood through. Yeah. Triple M listeners would be walking past that going, I'm not listening to that. I mean, there's an easy one there.

Dez. Just Dez. De-easy. There you go, Dez. Dezo. Dezo. And yourself, you've got a new show? Yeah, we did the trophy room over summer, so we're just waiting to hear.

Hopefully we can come back and do it at some point in the year, whether it's mid-year or it's later in the year. It might just be next summer. It might be a summer gig. So we'll wait and see. But it's fun. It's fun to do, I must say. I've got to be honest.

I've not seen any of it because I don't watch a lot of it. Fuck you. Yeah. Fuck you. I tried to tape it on Fox, Al. We've been chatting for about half an hour now or so, and I thought, this is weird. I haven't actually, I thought I was coming in to talk about the trophy.

I haven't actually mentioned it. Well, it's good that we've gotten you in. Something's not right here. It's good that we've gotten you in here to plug it the week after the last episode. It's on iView, I'm sure. Oh, great. And it was fun. It was fun to work at the ABC.

I hear good things, though. I hear people seem to have enjoyed it. Yeah, the ABC were really stoked, and Granada, the company, were really happy. Yeah, we're just waiting to see if a spot opens up. Yeah, it was great. We had a great time. I met people who I didn't know a lot about, like Jackie Cooper. Who's Jackie Cooper? Jackie Cooper's an aerial skier. She won like 24 world championships. And I told a story I did on stage tonight about her breaking.

She broke her back. And then she just fucking got up there. Because when I break my back, I like to lie down. But she doesn't. She got on skiing and actually won the world championship of a broken back. Wow. So that's pretty fucking awesome.

Good on her. Yeah, good on her. And we had Kathy Freeman on. We had Pat Cash. It was good. What was Pat Cash like? He was good. He was great.

I think he's very much aware that he's Pat Cash. Right. There's no confusion there. Yeah. He's Pat Cash. Yeah. Anyone would Pat Cash. Yeah. Anyone would.

That would be weird if there was confusion if he was walking around going, who am I? Yeah. What's my name? He's got something in common with the Australian Armed Forces. He's currently dating Tanya Zietta. Hello. Hello. Come on.

All friends of the show. I think he's a great He's a great Australian Because I was throwing The night after we did a show And it was really fucking hot In Sydney It was like 40 degrees in Sydney

And I see Pat Cash Walking in the foyer Of the hotel We sat at the same hotel And he's got his tennis gear And he's walking out I said I said

Hey mate Where the fuck are you going He goes I promised a mate I'd go have a hit of tennis with him He goes I don't want to But I promised him

I said It's 40 degrees mate You are Australian of the with him. I guess I don't want to, but I promised him. I said, it's 40 degrees, mate. You are Australian of the Year. He is someone. There wouldn't be too many people that I reckon I would get a photograph with, but he would be one of them. Do you want me to show you my photograph? Oh, really? Yeah. This would be good for the podcast. This is great. You can describe the

photo if you like. Someone from your childhood is always more important. I reckon there'd be him, there'd be Tony Barber. Bert was, if you like. Someone from your childhood is always more important. I reckon there'd be him, there'd be Tony Barber. Bert was, if you've met Bert, Bert's one that I got a little bit intimidated in front of, but he puts you to these pretty good. The iPhone flash, I reckon, doesn't do anyone any favours. That is pretty spectacular.

Should I just point out, the only other time someone has shown Carl a photo on the show was Tom Ballard showing him a photo of a guy in a gimp mask with some electrodes strapped to his cock or something weird like that. So this is... You haven't seen this photo yet. Yeah. You'd be surprised what Pat Cash is actually wearing.

Mikkel Pernfors has taught him something. Oh, nice. Yeah. That flash has made you a bit Barbara Cartland in this photo. I look a little bit Barbara Cartland and a little bit special. I'm about to give him a big cuddle. Yeah. Wow.

Your face is so white. Yeah, it is very white. And not in a racist way. The iPhone has actually this. Yeah. And I think I've either got makeup on or it's just been taken off, so I'm a bit shiny. But it's Pat Cash.

There's no doubting that. He's giving a thumbs up and he's Tika White. Straight to Facebook. Yeah, exactly. I should probably fucking tweet that. I would love that because he's someone that, you know, when you're a kid and I would listen to the footy and then if my team were down, I'd go out in the backyard

and start kicking the footy around like I was playing for them to try and get us over the line. He was someone that I went out in the front yard to hit the tennis ball against the wall when he was losing in the Davis Cup final. See, I was exactly the same. And I've had this kind of debate with a few people recently whether sport has become more boring

or is it just when you're growing up and you're a kid, you're more excited and you follow the sports people of that era more passionately and you get a bit older and you've got other things to think or worry about? Because I knew – I reckon I could name the top 20 players, tennis players ranked in the world when I was 12. Yeah. And now I know a few. I would know every one of my footy team and what numbers they were,

where they were recruited from, how old they were, all that sort of jazz. Now I'm like, who's the captain? And I could imitate all the tennis players' serves. I could do a good Stefan Edberg. I could do all that. I still believe Stefan Edberg's T-shirt inspired the album artwork of 1927's-ish. Oh, right. He had the splash of colours.

There's a splash of yellow and green and red, I think, on Stephen Edberg's T-shirt. If you think about 1927's album-ish, it is the same splash of colours. First single I ever bought, first vinyl single. That's when I think of you. Really? Yeah. I was Lou Gramm, Midnight Blue. Oh, right.

Yeah. My friend's big claim to fame is he once went to the house of 1927's drummer and touched their gold album. He hasn't done much. Well, they had the two albums and then they had the greatest hits. Oh, right. Yeah. Apparently they went to Afghanistan recently.

I was talking to somebody who was showing me photos of 1927 in Afghanistan. Really? That's what's become of them. I've never heard, I've never even seen them on any of those like, you know, go to Frankston and see Pseudo Echo or the Choir Boys. I didn't even think they were even doing that thing. No, I was surprised. I was also surprised to see Belinda Cartlile playing like the...

Shoppo. Yeah. Doncaster Shopping Town. Yeah. Yeah. The runaway horses are really fucking runaway, haven't they? I couldn't believe that. She's posed for Playboy.

She's done cool stuff. Yeah. What's she doing at Shoppo? I thought it was a little bit of a downer. Yeah, that was surprising. I'll be honest, the last three minutes have just been absolute white noise. Yeah, wow. I have no idea what's going on.

So how old are you, Tommy? I'm 24. You're 24. Okay, you're out of the 27th demographic, I think that's fair to say. Yeah, big time. What are the bands that you – when you kind of make, whether on stage or just in your own personal life, a bit of a gag where it's like, insert cheesy ban from your childhood here.

He's like, I remember Lady Gaga. Marcy Playground. Marcy Playground. The New Radicals. Oh, yeah. Real Big Fish. Real Big Fish, Mighty Mighty Bostones. Actually, I was at a market yesterday and I saw they've always got those guys that are

selling all the band t-shirts. They've got the classic, the Clash ones and the Rolling Stones ones. They had a mighty, mighty boss tones t-shirt. How many of them are you getting out the door? Kyle, you were talking earlier. You were saying one of your childhood heroes who you'd like to meet now, Tony Barber. Yeah.

Have I told you my Tony Barber story? No. Have I mentioned it on the podcast? No. No? Because one of my good mates growing up lived right behind Tony Barber, and he always used to call the cops on them when they'd have parties. Hang on, he would call the cops on Tony Barber when he had parties?

No, my mate would have parties, and then Tony Barber would call the cops. Oh, right. Barber! Fucking Barber. No, my mate would have parties and then Tony Barber would call the cops. Oh, right. Barber! Fucking Barber! Yeah, they somehow knew about it. Take your pick of the board and fuck off! But they somehow knew about it, so then they'd get oranges

and just piv them at his house. Throw them into the gift shop. Throw them into the gift shop. What do you mean? That's not Barber! You've hit Delveen! And then, at one point, this is so harsh but so funny to me, they got a copy of his book,

his autobiography, set it on fire and left it on his doorstep. Did they take a dump on the book as well? Oh God, I hope so. Because it would be a bit weird because Tony would want to put it out with his foot, but he'd be going, fuck, I can't step on my own book. That's a bit much. Stick your stick pins up your ass. That's a bit much Stick your stick pins up your ass

One of the first sketches we did on Rove Where we involved a celebrity It was We're doing this like Where are they now? And it was Some of the stuff like It wasn't Tony Barber

But somebody was on Tony Barber, where is he now? And he was on lay-by In Target And everyone was really fun with it. But the first time we tried to shoot was with Peter Russell Clark. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

And if you talk about YouTube, have you seen the bloopers? Yeah. He's quite obscene. He's fucking obscene. He's a bit Peter Bloody Wilson. Peter Bloody Clark. Peter Bloody Clark, yeah. So we're pitching the idea that he's like a nude model for people in an art class.

And he's going to have a white sheet kind of draped over him. So he's a nude model, but he's got a white sheet draped over him. So we're waiting. He's running a bit late. We're waiting around. It's myself, Rove, Dave Callan, and Corinne Grant. And we're just kind of waiting around. We're a bit excited.

This is our first celebrity we get to play around with. Oh, that calls television. gone waiting around. We're a bit excited. This is our first celebrity we get to play around with. Oh, that calls television. And Dave Callum, while we're waiting, decides to draw a nude portrait. And we think, well, we're going to draw a nude portrait so we might as well have something on the page.

So he actually starts drawing Peter Russell Clark. He draws him with a massive piece of Swiss cheese basically where his cock would be. I guess the suggestion is his cock is in the Swiss cheese. So we're just waiting eventually because of the holes, Carl. I guess.

It took me a while. That was a smart cock joke. It was. It was. It was Kraft Singles. It'd be, what? That doesn't make sense. It was a smart cock joke, but it was a pretty cheap cheese joke.

It works on many different levels. I it was a pretty cheap cheese joke. It works on many different levels. I think we can all agree on that. So Peter Russell finally rocks up. He apologised for being late. And he's a bit flustered. And he... Actually, before I go back, he actually

said to our producer, listen, I'm happy to do it without the white sheet. As long as you don't shoot my cock, my Peter Russell cock. Just, you know. Yes! Come and get it. Just shoot it away. You can shoot my ass and I'll be nude.

And he gets there and he's kind of a bit flustered. And then he sees Dave Callen's drawing of him with cock in Swiss cheese and just loses it and just goes, I don't know why I agreed to do this. You know, I'm a professional and I have corporate sensibilities and clients who, if they saw this, they would not agree. And we're like, oh, well, you agreed to do this. You knew exactly what.

Oh, no, but I can't. And he stormed out. Oh, really? Yes. And we'd waited for like an hour and he stormed out. Oh, really? Yes. And we'd waited for like an hour and he just like, he was in and out within a few minutes. And we were kind of going, well, what? I haven't seen Peter Russell Clark on TV for like years and years and years.

What? Was there a hard rock Peter Russell Clark cafe? Yeah. Was there Planet Clark? Was this when Rove was on Nine? Yeah, this is the very first year of Nine. So what you're saying to us is that Dave Callan was single-handedly responsible for the demise of Rove on Nine?

I would absolutely agree with that. Certainly with Peter Russell Clark not being seen on TV much. So who did you get in for the sketch? Did you have to bring up Gabriel Gatté or Margaret Fulton? We did use Gabriel Gatte quite a few times and he was lovely, but we could not get anyone in at that time, so it was no sketch.

That would be disappointing. Thanks, Callan. Yeah. Coming over here, taking our jobs, ruining our sketches. Insulting our heroes. Well, I mean, Petty, you've been on a number of things. You've been on Australian screens for quite some time now. You get recognised a lot out in the wild?

I do, I guess. Every time you've been to Softbelly, I've always noticed that most headliners come in and people go, whatever. But you're always stopped by a lot of people, I reckon, both times you've come down? Well, I mean, I do get recognized. You're Australia's mate. I think that's what I'm trying to say. I'm really bad at self-evaluation.

I really don't think of myself as being – I know I've got some profile, but I don't see myself as not being one of them. I don't go to social parties but you get recognized and sometimes I handle it really well and sometimes I don't handle it well. And when I say I don't handle it well, I just kind of don't know what to say and I can be a bit short with people. I think most times I'm quite good. There was an incident last week. My wife had like a migraine or Not a migraine, but a really bad headache. I think that is technically a migraine.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're talking about interest issues. And I said, I'll go to the 24-hour chemist. I'll get you some whatever I can get, Nurofen or whatever. So I go to the 24-hour chemist. It's about 11 o'clock at night. And there's a woman behind the counter.

She says, oh, I know who you are. Don't tell me. I know who you are. I've got a packet of Nurofen in my hand, like trying to give it to her. She says, oh, don't tell me. Oh, God. You're on TV, aren't you? Who are you?

And the one thing I don't do, if people don't know, I don't tell them. I'm not going to stand there and play that game where I'm like, I'm Peter Hellion! Because I've been around people when they get asked, where do I know you from?

That's embarrassing because then they've got to list their credentials and you look like you're showing up. Sometimes you have to convince them who you are. It's that great scene in Being John Malkovich

where it's like, who are you guys? Oh, well, I scene in Being John Malkovich where it's like, who are you guys? Oh, well, I was in Being John Malkovich. I was in one of his movies. And the taxi driver goes, no, no, that's not it. So this woman, she doesn't get who I am. I think she maybe got the name. And then this younger girl came over and she's like, Clarissa, Clarissa,issa who's look who it is

and she's oh it's peter oh it's peter i mean hell yeah and i go yeah yeah i said well i said this is awkward for everyone isn't it um and then and then so she's gonna rang up my bill i have my new friend and she says to me uh can i get your autograph just the woman who didn't know who i was can i get your autograph and i said to be? The woman didn't know who I was. Can I get your autograph? And I said, to be absolutely honest, you didn't know who I was. You're not going to get my autograph. I was kind of like, she was laughing and I was laughing. It wasn't aggressive, but it was,

you know, what's the point of giving someone your autograph? I don't understand that. And you thought you'd gotten away with it and then the next morning you opened your front door and a copy of the Strawny book was on fire. I don't know if I can believe it. So I went back and I threw oranges at the chemist. I must say, as I drove away, I kind of felt bad, but we work on laughing a little bit about, you know. I had this driver when I did the trophy room

after the last one we did, and he was an Asian gent. I think I can say that. And he called me Mr. Peter. Mr. Peter. Oh, I do the accent continually. But he said, Mr. Peter, I see you on TV last night. And very good, very good.

And he goes, I see my wife. He's not as big in real life as he is on TV. You're smaller in TV, in real life. And I was like, well, this is good. We're talking about my weight now. This is comfortable now. So, yeah, 99% of the time it's great and people are lovely. And there are some times, you know, you're kind of not ready.

Like you're not – you mind somewhere else. Yeah. You seem like you've got your head on your shoulders about it. I want to know how you'd react to this because not to showboat, but this guy over here got recognized in a cafe the other day. Oh! Yep. So here's what happened.

I went into a cafe with my girlfriend. My girlfriend wasn't that hungry. She went, I'm going to get a bit of sushi. And I went, well, I'm quite hungry, so we'll go in this place and eat something so i order a sandwich she orders a coffee i order a coke um and we're just sitting there and the guy comes back with the drinks and she's just kind of finishing a little bit of sushi and the guy's like you can't you can't eat sushi in here i'm sorry you can't she's like oh i'm really sorry so she puts it away and then he brings my sandwich out a minute later he's like like, hey, I saw you do a gig at the Falls Festival

and, yeah, it was really good. I really enjoyed it. I'm like, oh, thanks, man. He's like, you got anything coming up? You got any shows coming up? And, you know, I mean, you know, when you're at my level, I'm not really on anything. So it is a genuine thrill that someone recognises you from anything.

And, you know, he's a nice guy and I'm, you know, I'm pretty chuffed about the whole thing. But then this little part of my head took over and went, why don't you just say, let my girlfriend eat her sushi, you took over And went, why don't you just say Let my girlfriend eat her sushi, you cunt Why don't you just really turn it up Why don't you start going I'm not sure you have to call him a cunt He'd be really nice to you at least

The smart play would be Do you mind if my girlfriend has a sushi Is that okay If they call you a cunt I'm not sure what that's going to serve you. I'll sign one of your menus. You can put it on the wall. Love the spaghetti.

That's a measure of how inflated my head got, was I suddenly felt like, he knows who I am. Rules don't apply to me anymore. I even found myself, when I went up to pay the bill, in my head going, I reckon I'm going to get a discount. I reckon a few bucks is going to be knocked off the end here. I had an experience. This is the most frustrating I've got with somebody who's going to come up and recognise me. I was in an ATM and there was one or two people behind me and I turned

around and there's this old lady who's there and she says to me, do you recognise me? lady who's there and she says to me, do you recognize me? I went, oh. And she was sort of at an age where I thought maybe she's a mate's mom. So I started feeling a bit guilty that, oh, you've got to know your mate's mom. Oh, God, I don't. Are you, I had a couple of guesses. And then I started guessing about people from the industry.

You know, oh, I have you. Are you Rove? Yeah, you're Rove. You're Rove, yeah. How many guesses did you have? Because why is she not bailing you out? Exactly. And that's why I started getting a bit pissed off.

And then so I said, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I don't recognize you. I'm sorry. And she goes, I fitted your school shoes at Speeds in Greensboro. And the weird thing about this is, I'm like, well, fuck you. Fuck you for wasting fucking three minutes of my life. And I'm like, but hang on a second. This doesn't make sense because surely when you were, like,

fitting my shoes when I was in grade two at Speeds in Greensboro, you weren't kind of, you're not taking fucking photo memories of people who you're serving going, and years later going, watching TV going, that's somebody I served in at Speeds Greensboro. I don't have any recollection

of actually being, you know, going to Speeds Greensboro. I think I was more of a part of Scout from the time. But it was just like, well. In the early days of Rove,

did they pander your feet much? Because maybe that's how she's recognised you. That's actually one of these. I owe her an apology. I'm sorry, lady at the ATM. Yeah, speeds. Speeds in Greensboro.

I haven't thought of speeds in years. Again, what is speeds? I don't know what that is. It was like a Williams and... Oh, like Williams. Basically, you went there for your school shoes. I'm not sure if they sold any other kinds of schools. Shoes.

I think they were just... Boring shoes. Yeah, boring shoes. they sold any other kinds of schools. Shoes. I think they were just... Boring shoes. Yeah, boring shoes. No, they're out of date. No, the kids these days, my kids just basically wear black sneakers to school. Yeah. I'm jealous. Yeah.

They still bust out the metal foot ruler thing? Yeah, they still do a bit of that. Yeah, they use a shoe horn. Oh, have they still got shoe horns? Isn't there anything cooler than shoe horns now? No, nothing's... Isn't there an app for that? Isn't there anything cooler than shoe horns?

No, nothing's there. Isn't there an app for that? Actually, I reckon I used my first shoe horn. Now, this is not where we want the podcast to go, to be honest. Don't have any guests saying, when did I use my first shoe horn? It's odd that you bring this up, because we actually do ask all of our guests,

when was your first shoe horn? It's like your first Worthers original, you never forget. This is going to be a of our guests when was your first shoehorn? It's like your first Werther's Original you never forget. This is going to be a regular segment when was your first shoehorn? It's like who would you turn gay for?

That's what we've got. When did you use a shoehorn? I only used my first shoehorn I reckon about two years ago and I didn't know what to do with it. They gave it to me and I was like

what's with the fucking stick? Yeah, who's? I don't get it. I kind of thought oh yeah, it's a shoehorn. I kind of took a while me and I was like, what's with the fucking stick? Yeah, who's, I don't get who's. And then I kind of thought, oh yeah, it's kind of a shoe. I'm like, I kind of took a while

and then I just kind of, I actually didn't actually use it. Good story. The act of a shoe is pretty no nonsense. I don't know who needs help with that. Yeah,

I reckon if you can't get your foot into a shoe, you've got the wrong science. Yeah. Move on. Yeah. Go back to speeds. Well guys, I think that brings us to the end of the program for another week.

We're about ready to wrap this up. Peter Hellyer, what have you got coming up? Where can people see you in the next little while? People can see me. Adelaide. Adelaide Fringe Festival. I started on the 21st. It's a show called Peter Hellyer's World of Balls and the men and women who like to play

with them. And it then goes to Brisbane and Melbourne at the Forum, and then Auckland. We're Forum buddies. I'm in the Forum this year at the Comedy Festival. Are you? Yeah. High five.

Exactly. So the people who can't get into my show can probably go to see you. Absolutely. So what room are you in? I've settled downstairs. I'm in the room that you can walk in and then that's about it. You can fit a mic and a performer in there and that'll be about it. The ladies' lounge.

The ladies' lounge. Well, you'll have a great time at the Forum. It is great. And I don't mean to bring up any kind of new competition, but starting a new podcast with Justin Hamilton. Oh, yes. All about movies. All about movies.

Friends of the show. Friends of the show, yes. So you guys have to come on one day and chat to us about movies. All about movies. Friends of the show. Friends of the show, yeah. So you guys have to come on one day and chat to us about movies. Well, folks, this is the longest that our outro music has ever gone. Thanks so much to Pete Helly for dropping by. You've been heaps of fun. Well, I hope so. I hope so.

And thank you to Cinefem. Yeah. Yeah, thanks, Cinefem. Wonderful station. All right. And it's a comfortable chair. Thanks to Asahi for the beers that we paid for. Yeah. Fuck them. And I'm off to play for Shoe station. All right. And it's a comfortable chair. Thanks to Asahi for the beers that we paid for. Yeah.

Fuck them. And I'm off to play for Shoehorn. All right. We'll see you all soon. Was that your favourite bit? Yeah, it was great. See you, mate. See you, mate.

Bye. Bye. Bye.