The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 171 - Lawrence Mooney & Luke McGregor

Episode Date: January 15, 2014

Chandler Goes To Parliament, Dear Jesus and Curtains In The Mouth. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey mates, if you've been on our Facebook or our Twitter page recently, you'll know that we are currently trying to get Josh Earle into the Hottest 100 on Triple J for his Rad Dad theme. If you're voting, or even if you're not voting, and you want to chuck him in, that would be so cool. Go onto the Triple J website, triplej.net.au, and you'll have to write it in, Josh Earle as the artist and Rad Dad theme as the song. If we get him in, it would be such a great win for him and for the show and for just general stupidity so go and be a part of that please triple j.net.au also we're doing live stand-up shows and podcasts brisbane and melbourne a whole bunch of stuff is on sale now for all the details and tickets go to our website littledumbdumbclub.com and we'll see you there mates hey mates welcome once again into the little dum-dum club for another week thank you very much for joining us my name is tommy daslow and sitting next to me the other half of the

program carl chandler what's going on in your life my little mate should we i think we should introduce the guests first i'll talk about our our settings so I said to you, do you have anything for up the top And you said yeah definitely What you had up the top was to just divert to bringing the guests in straight away I have guests, I brought guests in today That's what I've got Very good of you Alright well let's get straight to it

First of all, returning to the show You know him, you love him It's our little mate Luke McGregor Yay! Thanks for having me So red in the face from riding your bike here in 43 degree heat mistake i don't know how your face is redder than your hair but it is well it's when you uh it looks like the mutant powers are kicking in it's like a color wheel because there's there's one shade of red for his

face if i didn't have a power and i could turn my face red at any moment on our wheel i don't know what to do with it no i. I wonder if you were African whether they'd be discussing your colour so red. And who else? With a they. Who else could that be but the host of Dirty Laundry

live, Lawrence Moody. Yay! It's nice to be back for Little Dumb Dumb Club. Number? Ooh. Ooh, you've lost five? Your appearance

or number of episodes? No, my appearance. Oh, five, I reckon. Five, I reckon. Oh, no, appearance or number of episodes? No, my appearance. Five, I reckon. How many episodes? 171, I believe. 171, which I reckon is a prime number. That's a good number. Is it?

I'd end it there. Hold on. Three sevens, 21. 150, it's 53 times 57. Yeah. Here's to another 171. We didn't celebrate 169, which I'm a bit upset by. I feel like that kind of let us go.

I'm fine with it. We're in somewhere we haven't... Here comes the drinks cart. Oh, here's a Schwepper. They're so bad. Brought to you by the little Dum Dum Club. When I'm in Melbourne. We are on a commercial liner at the moment.

Some sweet foley work there. Flying from Adelaide to Brisbane at the moment. That was the drinks cart going by. No, we're recording this. First time we've ever done this for some reason. We're at the Imperial Hotel in some form of a meeting treasury room. We're in a conference room. Did you just ask them, can we use your conference room?

I don't know if there was asking involved, but we're here. We're just here, yeah. It's a very impressive part of Melbourne. It's the corner of Spring Street and Bourke Street, right opposite State Parliament. We're looking out at Parliament House right now. And for one of the rare times uh there's no protesters on the steps there is a hobo sleeping under a black umbrella

and i thought that's uh it's good if you're uh homeless to provide yourself with some shelter in this heat because it has been a very hot day black of course absorbs heat so maybe a white umbrella but you know when you, when you're a hobo, I don't even know what that means, but you probably take the umbrella that you're given. I mention that because

over there, I was just recounting this the other night. When you were in state parliament. Yes, back when I was serving with Alan Stockdale as co-treasurer of Victoria. No. I went to... When I got brought here for high school, I made a big trip up, trip down to Melbourne

with... From the country, because you're from the country. Maryborough High School. Maryborough, yeah. It was like year seven, year eight, something like that. And we went to see... What is it called? Is it Parliament House?

Is that what you call it? It is Parliament House. Parliament House. And we went through and we got a guided tour of everything and we were inside the big whatever you call, what do you call that cabinet? You call that? It's the, well, the lower house is, I suppose, the chamber.

The chamber, yeah, right. So we had someone that worked in Parliament showing us around and explaining what happens and who says what. It's not very big, is it? It's quite small. Yeah, and all the terms and everything. And I put my hand up and asked a question,

and then I noticed that I got a really weird response. And then I got quite a weird response from all the other people in our class and whatever. And then I sort of went, well, I didn't think that was that bad of a question. I just sort of said, oh, what goes on here or who says what here or something like that. And then when everything drifted away and the focus went off me, I sort of said to someone, why was everything so weird then? And they said, you don't remember what you said?

And I went, no. And they said, you – and I thought I'd said something like, oh, what's that for over there? And what I'd apparently said was, so what's that fucking thing for over there? And just pulled... Your hormones had got away from you, wasn't it? You know, you seven or eight have just thrown in an absolutely unnecessary F-bomb to a member of parliament or whatever.

And everyone's like, and I'd blacked out. I just blacked out and didn't know that I'd said that at all. How's this for excitement in terms of Australian history? In 1901 when the country was federated, the first sitting of federal parliament was at the exhibition buildings just up there on Nicholson Street.

And then federal parliament sat in that building until Canberra had parliament house made. So federal parliament was here. Just imagine what a different country Australia would be if Melbourne was its capital and federal parliament sat there. In what way would it be different, do you think?

It'd be a lot smarter and it'd be a lot cooler. You swearing in there would have been a bigger deal, I'd imagine. Yeah, you swearing in federal parliament. You'd still be in jail with David Hicks. You'd be on the news. You'd be famous. Can we get this passed? Why did they relocate it to Canberra? MJ or with David Hicks. You'd be on the news. You'd be famous. Can we get this passed?

Why did they relocate it to Canberra? Because Sydney arced up and so they had decided, well, they decided early on to get some area that was equidistant between Sydney and Melbourne, but it's not a lot closer to Sydney and it's Canberra and it's out there in the middle of nowhere. Welcome back to the Behind the News podcast, everyone. I know. That was so year 10 history teacher. Everyone just went, we're going to miss episode 171

because the moon man's just got a little bit history. He forgot he was a comedian and he's worn his tweed jacket in. No wonder he's sweating so much on a 43 degree day. There are primary school students listening to this podcast now after having the podcast wheeled in on a cloistered cabinet thing. It's held to take notes. There'll be three sections of today's little dum-dum club. And everyone's like, sweet, we don't have to do work.

The first section is on where was federal parliament first held and the second section is on how many birds Luke McGregor's been pantsing. We'll be here all day. So, Luke McGregor, how many fucking birds have you pantsed? Did you hear what you just said? Did you know that you did it? You've made it awkward. Did we just start the podcast?

That's really weird. Did we just start? Whenever you're near State... Hey, mates. Are we going? Whenever you're near State Parliament, you always start swearing. What is that again? When you swear uncontrollably?

Oh, Tourette's. Tourette's, yeah. I've got federal or state Tourette's. Parliamentary Tourette's. State Tourette's. Because I don't do it in Canberra, so I've just got state Tourette's. You know you don't do it in... So every time you've been to Canberra, you've never once sworn.

It gets posher. It gets more proper. You've never don't do it in... So every time you've been to Canberra, you've never once sworn. He gets posher. He gets more proper. You've never sworn in Canberra? I don't think so. No, I would have. I've done gigs in Canberra. I would have sworn. Yes, I would have because I've done gigs in Canberra. It sounds bizarre, but I don't swear much in my

ordinary life. I probably swear way, way more on stage. And so when people come up to me after a gig and they think I'm kind of a sweary guy, and it's like, oh, fuck this, fuck that, I find it a little bit...

Beneath you? Yeah. No. I find the audience but please don't approach me after gigs you know what I'm trying to say we were

dirty laundry we were allowed to swear weren't we there was we were there was in the first episode it got kind of

out of hand because we were we were told we were allowed to swear but don't swear if you don't need to but then again

it doesn't matter and then we got all a little bit too excited and everyone went fucky fucky fuck pants and then it got weird

I kept running on camera saying it fuck you yeah but you're not naturally a swearer are you so when you go to swear

you kind of hesitate it's like can I should I it takes a while I don't I don't can I? Should I? It takes a while. I don't know what happened, but I did a gig once and I watched it back and I'd said, motherfucker. It was a bit about the moon landing.

Wow, that's appropriate then. I'd said motherfucker three times and I'm like, I look like an idiot. That Neil Armstrong is an asshole. He deserved that. Didn't Neil Armstrong say this is one small step for a motherfucker? Yeah. One giant step for motherfuckers. So two of them are in context.

It was in the third ones. Buzz Aldrin was supposed to go first and he said, you motherfucker, when Neil Armstrong got out first. That's not true. No. I made that up. But their car, the moon buggy was called the motherfucker. Yeah.

It was called MF1. MF1. But yeah, and I watched it back and it looked ridiculous and so I just didn't swear after that. I don't swear in my act. I don't know why. I think if I ever wrote a joke that had swear written in it and it was made better because of it, I'd probably keep it in. But I don't.

Sometimes, yeah, I think, God, I wish I wasn't, I wish I didn't swear in certain situations. I wish people didn't find it so funny. Yeah. It's not like you're swearing and everyone's going, boo. Because I'm making a conscious effort at the moment to not swear in my new show. Just as a challenge. Motherfucker.

I can't wait to go and see Tommy Daslow's Dear Jesus. Oh, motherfucker. I can't wait to go and see Tommy Daslow's Dear Jesus. Oh, no. Oh, why did I bring this up? Oh, my friends are making fun of me. Tommy Daslow's new show, Christians and Kids and All Things Nice. Here's my review of Tommy Daslow's new show. He didn't say shit once, but it is. What publication printed that?

Every publication. Economist. Guardian. It was AAP. It went to everywhere. Reuters. Some guy from Reuters came in. The standards of Reuters have dropped.

That article's only five words long. The Hollywood Press came in. Behind me, Dassolo show. Anyway, my point is, you're right. Like, there are certain bits where you get to and you go, you know what would really kick this routine up the pants? Saying fuck is the second last word. Calling something a fucking thing is just great.

It's just rocket fuel. Sometimes it's part of the, like if you watch someone like Bill Burr, it's part of the escalation is that you see him getting worked up and it's just, so swearing doesn't seem like it's out of, it feels like it's just part of the story. Yeah. It's part of him airing his frustration. Well, if it's in context, it works.

But if it's punctuation or thinking music for the comedian then that doesn't work or if it's not funny and you're kind of bolstering the joke with swear words. I would just probably swear in character most of the time if I'm doing a particular, so somebody else is swearing in essence. Yeah, that sweet routine about

Carl going to Parliament House. For example. That sweet routine before the what you were like before the 2014 Comedy Festival. Before you took a vow of swearing silence.

The good old days. The good old fucking days. Because I've talked about this on the show before, my dad is like obsessed with swearing and not swearing. So it's just to beat him so that I can have one year where him seeing the show doesn't end is like obsessed with swearing and not swearing so it's just to beat him so that I can have one year where him seeing the show doesn't end with him

going that language like that's all it's for is just to finally try and my mum did the same to me when I first started comedy

saying you know Bob Hope and Groucho Marx never needed to swear so you know why do you need to swear Charlie Chaplin yeah Charlie

Marcel Marceau but she came and saw um my 2010 show everything's just fine which was a bit sweary but it was also pretty hardcore and she loved that show she probably loved that and people were a little bit what would your mom think about it and she came up afterwards and said that was really really funny and i not my cup of tea ordinarily, but I thought it was pretty funny. So good on you, Olive. There you go.

Did you get, so you swore a lot on Dirty Laundry because you had licence to do that. Not a lot. Yeah. In fact, very, very little. Yeah, it wasn't actually that much. Yeah. Because I remember you dropped the Seabomb first episode,

didn't you? No. Oh, was that second? No. Seabomb was, you know, mid't you? No. Oh, was that second? No, C-bomb was midway into the season. And that was in the context of an attack on Charles Saatchi for his attack on his wife. So it was an attack against violence against women.

And then 774 picked it up as Debbie Anka from The Age did her weekly piece on 774. And one of the callers said, it's a word that is misogynist and ends up in violence against women. And then John Fain invoked images of the 30,000 strong memorial march for Jill Ma saying, yes, well, we've just seen 30,000 people marching in Melbourne in regards to violence against women and then I was on next to respond.

Bloody hell. And I asked if we could distance the use of that word from violence against women and he said, no, no, no, but failed to realise that that was the context in which it was used. Yeah. It was about a man being violent against a woman and also he hadn't seen the clip and was it was used. Yeah. It was about a man being violent against a woman.

And also, he hadn't seen the clip and was talking completely out of turn. And I thought it was a perfect application because Charles Saatchi was a real cunt to his wife and probably is. Sounds like the perfect gig, just that sweet set up, your sweet support act there. And then you get to go on and try and be funny after that. Because I don't know if we oh yeah that radio crucifixion yeah and also doing it on the phone too so really oh that sucks yeah in your car oh yeah didn't pull over just oh i pulled over i pulled over so somewhere on uh hotham road next to the cemetery up there someone just saw a guy just ranting into his mobile phone. That's a sweet tidbit for the Dum Dum Club reality tour,

if people want to do it. Yeah. The Dum Dum Club episode 171 reality tour. Yeah, yeah. You start at State Parliament, then you make your way to that cemetery. Yeah, in Hotham Road. Then down to 774 South Bank.

Yeah. Then to the supermarket, to the detergent aisle, where I buy the soap to wash my mouth out with after I say a bad word. I do think about it though. Most of my favourite comics now are, all of them swear and all of them are... Yeah, all right. I'm fucking right here, mate.

Sorry. And most of them tend to be people who have no filter, you know. They just say what they're thinking and unapologetic. And I think I'm starting to like that more and more just because, I don't know, maybe it's because you don't get it in other mediums or something. Yeah, sure. If I was a listener to this show and Liv McGregor said my favourite comedians I'd be saying well name some of them because I want to know. Oh, sorry. Well, I love Bill Burr, I love Louis CK, I love Chappelle, I love Zach Galifianakis.

They're all listeners to the show. Zach Galifianakis is a really good swearer, though. He's the purple onion when he's just... And there's this gig, I think he does like seven minutes of when he was a bit earlier on, but it's just... He's so... He gets really angry and just yells at people, but it's just so funny and I don't know how he gets away with it. He's just... He's amazing. Well, what I wanted to bring up, Lawrence,

was because you put yourself out there and you'll swear and do things and you've been in the press a little bit lately with criticism and it's all easy to get criticised. The New Year's Eve coverage of the fireworks on ABC1. I was hoping we'd dance around it a little bit more, but sure, let's just say exactly what it was. I was just talking about all the stuff every time my mum sees you on TV. She screams, so I was going to talk about that, but that's cool.

The press reaction to the New Year's Eve fireworks coverage was pretty dire. And most of it picked up a headline from TV Tonight that was quoting a tweet. So that's the strength of our TV criticism in this country. Both Fairfax and News Limited used train wreck. Wasn't it a lot of... There's always going to be... Sorry, I shouldn't interrupt you. No, you can interrupt all you like.

I was just saying, because it's... All of a sudden, it's national. Automatically, whenever you do anything on that larger scale, it's automatically going to get people who hate it. So it's really easy just to quickly pick and choose your tweets and just go... And, of course, it would be in their interest to do it because they weren't covering it.

So of course even no matter how good it was, they were always going to put it down. And even though there was, I would say, a fair percentage of positive feedback, you're not going to report on that necessarily because it doesn't make as good a headline as train wreck. And that's the process that Twitter is and the purpose that it serves is the people are marginalised and disaffected and lonely

and they've never had a voice and now they've got a voice. And they can immediately just vent their spleen. And I don't have any issue with that because I've been part of that too. Anyone that's read some of my Q&A tweets. Some of the best of Twitter.com is from Lawrence Mooney after a couple of Valium and red wine. Yeah. Some of the best of Twitter.com is from Lawrence Mooney after a couple of Valium and red wine. Yeah, and late in an election campaign when I'm just declaring everyone a bit of a cunt,

then I know how satisfying that is just to press send. It's like, fuck you. You're up yourself. You're going to read this because you're an egomaniac cocksucker. I'm going to fuck, you're going to read this because you're an egomaniac cocksucker. And, you know, so, you know, I'm going to have to suck on some of my own metaphorical Twitter balls. There was a moment where I was.

Beautiful. Twitter balls. Metaphorical Twitter balls. Metaphorical Twitter balls. There was a moment when I was. Another sweet landmark for the reality tour for this episode, the metaphorical Twitter balls. Come and episode, the metaphorical Twitter balls. Come and swing in the metaphorical Twitter balls

just down by the wheel at Docklands. They should have put balls on the wheel. They should have put massive nads on it. Like how people get those fake ones to hang off the back of their cars or if their dog has them removed or whatever, people get those fake ones. Why don't they? Get a big pair on the Melbourne wheel. Why don't they? Get a big pair on the Melbourne wheel.

Why don't they just put a big sign that said, sorry, until they fix this? At least you can drive past it and say, sorry. Sorry until they dismantle it. Yeah, they've got ads. This is the funny thing, because for those people that don't know, the Melbourne wheel, when was it first built?

Like five years ago or something? I reckon. It first went around in 2009, which was five years ago, so the building of it would have started sometime before that. But it opened and then there was a heat wave and then it started melting. So it's been closed while they try to repair it for the last five years. And it's just reopened. And we're currently in the middle of a pretty extreme heat wave.

What's going to happen? No, it's shut again because it started and two days later it's suffered some bad shuddering. And they had to get everyone off it and then shut it down it's currently shut right now it is currently shut down but there's ads for it on tv at the moment which i love i mean somewhere already just to run in the head what about you know the wheel as a concept what about the caveman or the fucking neanderthal that first invented that if he was here just going guys you've had five years to get your wheel right just come on i carved mine out of rock yeah i carved mine out of rock with another rock you have got technology get someone from

japan over here to just make it. It can't be as hard as the pyramids, surely. To make a wheel? Yeah. They did have slaves, though, in their defence. And aliens helping them out. Slaves and aliens. Slaves and aliens.

And then those poor enslaved aliens sitting in the middle of the Vendor Grand getting a real rotten time of it. When did the aliens come down when mankind have frustrated them to the point where they just go, all right, we've got to intervene here. So, sooner or later, if that wheel's not up by the end of the year, the spaceship's just going to land down there at Victoria Park. Oh, you think maybe that's what happened with the pyramids. They kept doing a fucked job of it.

They're like, this is embarrassing. You see my alien impersonation? I did a bit of Nanu Nanu. And I also like your version of Nanu Nanu, which was a Star Trek symbol with your hands. Which was Spock, Luke, Robin and Prosper. Which Nanu Nanu is Mork. I was about to mock you by saying that's Spock

in like a you idiot tone and saying that's Spock. Peace be with you. That was terrible. But that's Nanu Nanu, isn't it? No, Nan's Spock. Peace be with you. Oh, that was terrible. But that's Nanu Nanu, isn't it? No, Nanu Nanu. Mork said Nanu Nanu. Yeah, but what was his hand gesture? Just then you did a peace.

He just did a peace sign. Was it? No, no, but... Holding your fingers apart like that, that was a really long and prosperous... Yeah, no, but Mork used to open and close his hands like that. Did he? Yeah.

You're having trouble doing it, aren't you? Because... Oh, yeah. Yeah. I don't know what that is. I like that we're making fun of the guy for not knowing nerdy stuff. Hold on. What are you, not a virgin?

No, I'm... I like how we beat McGregor to it. My sci-fi is sound. No, no, no, no. And that hand movement is a reference to a sci-fi comedy. You guys are all in a serious world of serious, beerious, you know, bloody planets. See how I made a rhyming word for serious?

He's at it again. Because I'm a dad. You and your bloody planets and universes. It is called Mork and Mindy is science fiction. It's science fiction. I mean, technically, because it's about aliens. Technically, it's about aliens. No, no, but I mean...

It's a sci-fi comedy. But it's not deep into the... There's no... Nerds love Star Trek because there's a reality and there's science fiction. So there's no reality on the planet of Ork. Oh, for fuck's sake. And when Jonathan Winters comes down as their child

and they predate fucking Benjamin Button by years about people being born old and going backwards to youth. That's right. There's no reality in that. Fuck you, pal. But there's no true science fiction nerds that are obsessing over the reality of Alf. Do you know what I mean? Like reading into his history and his home planet and all that stuff.

Yeah, that's fair enough. Well, I don't know what to say. You've wasted your life. Sorry for decimating your favourite show, Moony. I didn't realise. You know that Mork and Mindy was a spin-off. Yes. Happy Days.

One of many. Laverne and Shirley. Oh, was it? Laverne and Shirley. Chachi Loves Joanie Yes Fonzie Gets His Dick Out That great

Spin off of Happy Days Yeah Mork first appeared On Happy Days The Alien appeared On Happy Days Yeah that's right Wow I didn't know

They even let That sort of Yeah I don't know What the rules Yeah You know playing Jukebox at Al's Diner With an alien coming down

Well that was the 50s for you It was a rock and roll period That's the problem With some I guess not a problem jukebox at Al's Diner with an alien coming down. Well, that was the 50s for you. It was a rock and roll period. That's the problem with some, I guess it's not a problem, it makes sense, but it often shows now once the rules are set up, it's like, okay, now,

I remember Josh Abrams talking about, JJ Abrams, sorry, talking about Felicity when he was writing on that and he's like, this would be so much easier if I could just make her a spy at some point.

Because he started to think I don't know what to do as the next plot point or what happens in this episode and blah blah blah and he goes if I could make her a spy then that's everything

I could just give her a mission every episode and that's how Ellie started too What show? Felicity Felicity because he used to write on Felicity I've never heard of that

Was Felicity the show? It was just like a girl I think it was just a better girl at college and living her life I think that was I think that might have been the show where I remember one season it came back and she had quite a distinctive hairstyle. Yeah, yeah.

And then she came back and she'd changed it and everyone was just like, what the fuck? Maybe JJ Abrams was in charge of that. Maybe he was like, that was his little way of trying to change the canon. Give her a spy haircut. That's the sort of haircut a spy would have. Her hair was undercover. Yeah.

Now, talking about criticism, when I was thinking about you today, I thought I'd go on the internet and find out criticism of us because the thing is we don't get too much criticism because who gives a shit? But with a podcast, you tend to get people who either, you don't walk by, my idea is you don't walk by the TV and see us accidentally and then have an opinion, which I think happens with TV. You've got to come looking for a podcast, don't you? That being said, there could be people on a tour of state parliament right now

who can see in through the window, so they're kind of like walking by this and maybe they'll think, oh, who's that? Who do those guys are? So here's a selected... Here's a few things I found today aimed towards us. We got reviews on a certain website. This wasn't on iTunes either. So Jennifer McKenzie gave us five stars and said,

such a funny podcast, infinitely re-listenable. So awesome, I've even rubbed one out to it. I think we've talked about that before. That's from ages ago. That's not criticism. That's a really good review. No, I'm starting with good. Oh, okay.

Criticism can be good. Technically speaking, can't it? Oh, yeah, yeah. A critical review. Yes. But that sounds like a really nice review. Yeah, but is Jennifer McKenzie one of you guys using a pseudonym? It's my wife.

I rubbed one out. She rubbed one out to a podcast. That's way sexy That's pretty cool It's quite a long session too They go for about an hour Yeah that's good stamina Yeah

If you're What you're saying She didn't say she masturbated For the whole podcast Because that's the thing as well I think with pornography There's a certain rhythm There's a certain predictability

As to what's happening And that's how That you can maintain that process Because you know I'll tell you the rhythm a certain predictability as to what's happening and that's how that you can maintain that process I'll tell you the rhythm and the predictability let's get this done before anyone gets home that's the rhythm and the predictability if you can just crunch that ice right into the microphone

yeah I was holding the microwave before but I just get a little bit more hot as you're doing it that's some good stimulation for anyone rubbing one out here. So that's number one. That's number one of three. All right.

So that's good. All right. I'm going to open good. He's good. He's a midpoint. I get the sense these are about to go downhill very rapidly. This is a midpoint. So the title is So So Sad.

But there's a rating of five stars. Okay. I mean, where's this going to go? So this was from Lost My Necklace, which I believe is a corporate. So they're already in a bad mood. Oh, they're in a very bad mood. Is that why they're so so sad? Because they lost their necklace?

Well, let's find out. Five stars, though. Mm-hmm. Yep. The more stories Carl tells from his past the more i'm certain that he's completely unaware he's living an absolute tragedy of a life so that's that's signed everyone from spleen i'm i'm clinging to the five stars though yeah so that that sounds like they're just sad for you but they're enjoying the podcast. Yeah.

Well, it makes them feel better about themselves. Yeah. That's what we've always tried to do, I would argue. Five stars sucks to be colour. You know,

present as particularly tragic. I've never looked at you and thought that's a tragic figure. I mean, you've got a level of self-awareness. Yeah. I'm an entertainer.

You've got a pretty good life. There's none of the stories that I tell in this podcast going, check this out. This is how good I am. I accidentally said fuck to a guy in Parliament once. I'm the best. I do like that. I'm presuming you got these off iTunes.

I didn't. Oh, right. Well, he did start by saying, I got these off a website I've never really heard of. So if it was iTunes, I'd go, wow, that's tragic. Well, that rubbing one out one is definitely from iTunes. Okay. But this is not where I got it from.

But iTunes does the same thing where you put a review in and it makes you put a subject line for the review. Yes. Which that's not necessary. Just put your stars and put why you like it. Why have you got to go, a fun time for everyone, and then follow it up with more extrapolating of your thoughts? You don't need a sub-editor in making a headline. Well, you need a sub-editor to get your subject line in. Yeah.

What about people that send emails and write the whole thing in the subject line? Yeah. Oh, I've never had that. Yeah. They're not good people. I used to accidentally have my friend set up a website for me and he, without me asking what it was... Accidentally set up a website for me and he without me asking... Accidentally set up a

website, your honour? Yeah. I didn't ask for the features that were included into it. You said, Andy, why have you set this website up for me? Muir Head! Calchandler.gov.taz

I think we talked about this once before I chopped 40 minutes out of the podcast Livaless potty So Yeah my friend set one up for me And included that feature of You know on a website where instead of it's just got click on here and it'll automatically send you to Outlook or whatever for an email.

Oh, yeah, yeah. He set up where you could just type into the box and put whatever you want in and there's no verification process at all. Yeah. So it was just this guy that was sort of didn't like me at all sending me emails because there was no recrimination. There was no sort of double checking of the email and it would go straight to your box but you couldn't reply

it would just go straight so you know a lot of mornings I would get up and it would be like something sent from 4am and it would say business opportunity you know gig we want you for a gig as the title and then you'd read into it and go yeah we've seen you around town really liked you and whatever and we thought we'd really like to book you for 5 minutes if you could come down

why don't you go and get fucked your shit house and just go sideways, halfway through and go, how do you fuck yourself? Why do you hate yourself? He's crazy. You know why I think he hated me?

This guy, I used to be friends with him and then he was just, you know when you get to a point in your life like where you realise you don't have to hang around with the people

that you met when you were eight years old? No. I cut friendships. I cut them just at the fucking hip yeah like a samurai right i had a friend recently uh no i've got a good friend peter and he was saying that he went to breakfast he'd taken care of the kids being looked after the, him and his wife went to a hotel for the weekend and he said to his mate and his wife, why don't you join us for breakfast? We've got rid of the kids, so no kids.

And his mate and his wife turned up with the kids. And I said, end the friendship. And he goes, what? And I said, just end it. Just never call the guy again. He's a fucking hopeless friend. And he goes, no, I don't think I'll do that. And I said, you get a really good, it's a refreshing feeling.

It's a nice feeling to enter friendship. And he goes, you fucking psychopath. It's meant to be a traumatic, unsettling feeling, not a nice feeling. I thought, oh, really? I've cut some ties lately and I'm with you. It feels good. It feels good. Especially when it's people that have kind of

been drifting for a little bit and you go, I'm just going to be honest with myself in my head. This is done. Are you physically cutting a tie? Are you doing anything about it? I'm not physically cutting anyone, no, but just accepting. I'll take out the samurai sword and cut them. My thing

goes from, like, if you're telling a story about something from the ego, a mate of mine and I'll stop myself and I'll go no you know what not a mate just a guy that I used to know that's my big thing

a guy that I used to know that's a big thing so whenever I hear a story that starts with that I'm going to feel a little bit sad yeah yeah that got in the song

it's about me I cut a friendship because I was getting reviewed you know probably maybe once a year or whatever we might be having a few drinks together and he was like I'm cutting the friendship of the person because I was getting reviewed, you know, probably maybe once a year or whatever. We might be having a few drinks together and he was like... See, well, I'm cutting the friendship of the person who said I've lost my necklace.

I'm no longer friends with lost my necklace. Yeah. They've said I've got an absolute tragedy of a life. Well, yeah, that's bullshit. I know. And so, yeah, it was like, oh, I don't like the way that you do this, blah, blah, blah. It's like, oh, sorry, man. I didn't mean, you know, any offence to that.

And then I just thought, nah, no one else does that to me and I think I'm an okay guy, so fuck you. Yeah, sorry, man. I didn't mean any offence to that. And then I just thought, no one else does that to me and I think I'm an okay guy, so fuck you. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Mum. See, guys, you don't need to swear to make good comedy. Yeah. That's the best example.

We'd have made it like... I like how that is so much less offensive than swearing. Here's my nice comedy. I'm cutting you off, mum. I don't want to be friends with you anymore. I did say fuck you. I'm cutting you off, fucking mum. Mum, fucker.

My friend used to rank top ten lists, and once a month he'd send out an email with ten of us. Oh, boy. What? Ranking you. But it was quite funny and it was like, you know, Luke went to the movies with me on Tuesday. No one else showed up, so he's second, but Dave won because I need to lift to the airport and Dave was there. And the first time we got it we're like what the fuck is this

and then as a couple of months went by we'd be trying really hard to get on top I love that it became a thing yeah I love that

is it before or after internet this is when this is just before or after it's still going I was after internet but this is

this is when emails were just starting to you know come in that's great I love the idea we started to get

competitive about it we're like I don't get it I said I could give you a lift I was just starting to come in. I love the idea. But we started to get competitive about it. We're like, well, I don't get it. I said I could give you a lift. I was working, but that shouldn't put me back a rank. I love that. Entering your friends into a contest that they get no say in, they can't opt out, they didn't choose to be in it, and they're just unwilling participants.

And even ones that go, I'm not even your friend anymore, I don't want to be part of this. They just consistently last. They're always last. No, no, you put them first. Just to stir up some competition. This guy's telling him he hates him and he's getting up to number one. Just go fast. What's going on?

I've got to appreciate Pete's conviction in his rejection of my friendship. I like it. I like it. I like it. He calls it how he sees it and that's how he's number one. No one's ever talked to me like that before and I appreciate it. I respect him. I like it. I like it. He calls it how he sees it and that's how he's number one. No one's ever talked about that before and I appreciate

and I respect him. Treat him mean, keep him keen. Pete, you are living proof of that. I'd be disappointed if you went and you're the only one

going to the cinema with the mate and no one else turned up. Yeah. I don't think I'd even bother with the top ten list if you asked all your mates to come

and only one mate turned up. Oh, well, that's why I was number one if I had to give him a lift to the airport but it was, I kind of, my only rule now with friends is that only one mate turned up. Oh, well, that's why I was number one then. Oh, if I had to give him a lift to the airport. But it was... I kind of... My only rule now with friends is that if...

I think it was a quote. I'm going to murder the quote. But it was something like... It's not about how much time you spend with them, but that it's exactly the same no matter how much time has passed or something like that. I think that's... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So that's any friend who... I don't feel like I have to top up the friendship. They're kind of the ones I keep... stick around the most, I think, nowadays. Actually, that reminds me of something. To have a good friend, be a good friend. Ralph Waldo Emerson. Who is Ralph Waldo Emerson? He was some guy.

He was some guy that wrote on calendars. Right. He's a poet philosopher. It seems weird to be a philosopher when your middle name's Waldo. Is it? Why?

It sounds like a made up cartoon thing. Don't you think? I'm not back in the... I don't want to give a lot of respect to someone called Waldo. 19th century. If you're Waldo

it's probably you walk with a, you know, a good gait and a sense of purpose. Right. Although it reminds me... Would you like to be Carl Waldo? No, I wouldn't. Too late.

Too late. Your nickname's Waldo. Waldo Chandler. Man, I was there when that was invented. Waldo fucking Chandler. You can just call me Waldo, Tommy. Where's Waldo? He's in bloody state parliament hiding from the cops.

Swearing at the cops. This reminds me of a thing that my girlfriend said to me over the weekend. Add it to the list of pretty insane things. She's got a real thing about feet. So she absolutely hates anything being wrong with the human foot, any form of uncleanliness, any form of... If my toenails are like two millimetres long, it's on. Does she like pedicures?

Go and get a pedicure with her. They're good. They feel nice. She's very concentrating on my feet at the moment. She's very worried about my length of toenail. Oh, yeah. So she, I've been doing quite a bit of running lately. I had a blister on my foot and I sat down next to her and she looked at it and just got obsessed by it

and was just like going, you need to fix that. You need to fix that. I'm like, I don't know how much I can fix it. You know, I've got a blister, but you need to just cut that off. Cut it off now. And I'm like, just settle down. We're just relaxing. I've just been for a run. I'm just just gonna sit here and just have a drink of water she's like you need

to get rid of that thing now can you go and get something and get rid of it now i'm like i'm just gonna sit here and she goes and she got herself so wound up she goes you know what that's the sort of thing that's gonna make you lose friends. Really? Blisters. I don't know where that comes on your mate's list. If that's going to bump me how far down. If you cover it. I have a blister on my foot. Maybe number five.

If you cover it up with a sock, then it's fine? Yeah. So as long as she doesn't see it, it's fine. So as long as I'm never barefoot. Even if with a sock on, she knows it still exists, so she still wants you to get rid of it. Yeah, she does continually ask me if I've cut my nails.

Why do you just do what they do in romantic comedies? You chase her around trying to touch her with the blister and then you fall laughing on the carpet and make some sweet love and we cut to the next scene. It's hard to chase someone around with a blister when it's on your toe. It's hard to run after her. If you're running after her and holding it up near her and she's like, Carl, Waldo, to run after it. If you're running after it and holding it up near her and she's like, Carl, Waldo.

If you cut it off and put it in a little Petri dish. Or just smoke some ice and go crazy and cut your toe off and just go, are you happy? I am happy. Classic romantic comedy. Classic romantic comedy. You've seen the ice pipe. Catherine Heigl. And Bill Paxman. Classic romantic comedy Classic romantic comedy You've seen the ice pipe Yeah With

Catherine Heigl Yeah And Bill Paxman Bill Paxman Yeah Bill Paxton Yeah no Paxman

He's Paxman Yeah Distant cousin of Bill Paxton Yeah Who are the two That always get Bill Pullman

And Bill Paxton Yeah That's right That's why Bill Paxman Them up I want to ask you about this, Lawrence. You told me one of the last times I saw you about a cruise ship.

A cruise ship you were on? And maybe the end of employment. At the end of my cruise ship career is over. That's it. I went on the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line on my third cruise, so they were happy with my previous work. And I used

it as an alcoholic bender like a cruise ship gig traditionally I think it's come a little bit back more in fashion but traditionally it's not a it's not a very good um thing in the past like it's not it's not a focused um great comedy thing but I think lately it's's come back. Well, it's an okay earner. Yeah. There's a lot more cruise ships coming into Australia and the cruise season goes from, I think, October through to April before they leave and go back to the Northern Hemisphere. And so there's a lot of cruises.

In fact, the cruise industry is huge. I think that's... Is that like a latter-day thing? Because I don't think I remember comics of your calibre doing it before maybe five years ago or something no it there just wasn't the work and it was mainly pno which is um you know pno's a more traditionally australian crew which you might see five guys marauding around deck blind on some kind of funny trip yeah and it's where you know cops go to meet hairdressers basically right all the women all the women are tattooed and all the guys you know uh tradies or cops what happened on your cruise i uh there's there's a family

show uh at seven and then nine and you've got to keep it really clean. And I hadn't really worked up the set in my head that I'd done previously. In fact, I didn't have my notebook with me. I couldn't remember what I was doing. I'd hit the piss pretty hard for three days. It's just like one of these cartoons where... I was a bit silvery.

I was like Pete Doherty, you know, coming out of a nightclub. It's just like one of these cartoons where you see in movies or whatever where someone's on a bender and all of a sudden they end up on a ship going out into the middle of the ocean. That's how you got booked for this gig. So I went out and I think, you know,

I sailed pretty close to the wind to use a sailing metaphor. And I had another cruise booked with the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line. Hey, are you sick of not having hepatitis? Get on the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line and go to the buffet. That was one of your gags? Okay. I do talk about the food and the obesity on board. I talk about parents trying to have sex while they've got children in the room,

you know, stuffing the curtain into your wife's mouth while you're... LAUGHTER ..biting on a towel. And parents were laughing and it's going over kids' heads. Yeah, yeah. I wasn't saying having sex, I was saying, you know, who's trying to get one away while the kids are sleeping? You know, I was just trying to pass it over the children's heads.

A lot of repressed memories being created here. It's a family show where parents have come along to watch comedy and they've just got children with them. Okay. Yeah, yeah. So I had another cruise booked and then I heard from the booking agent slash promoter there'd been an unprecedented volume of complaints.

And they had to cancel the contract. And that is amazing to have that many complaints given that you're out in the middle of the ocean. For those people to work that hard to get Wi-Fi, like, that's an effort. Yeah. Well, they fill out feedback forms that are going straight to the crew,

but I think they can, you know, send little on-ship emails to... Morse code. Someone got on the Morse code machine to complain about the movement. Was there any part of it? But I had an overwhelming amount of support, too. And then code. Someone got on the Morse code machine to complain about the movement. Was there any part of it? I had an overwhelming amount of support too and then I did a late show which was you know just

kind of pure filth and that old fun and that was packed out. It's not like that boring kid show where you're talking about people's parents fucking while the kids are asleep. Stickered curtains in women's mouths. Finally we can let loose. We can uncensor it. It wasn't really a curtain at all. It was a fire hose that I turned on.

Phew, what relief. Hey, we're all adults here, aren't we? It wasn't a curtain. She was already unconscious. But yeah, it's amazing how cruise liners become the arbiters of good taste.

What happened recently? A woman got so depressed that she jumped off and dragged her boyfriend with her. Two people dead at sea. Some guy lost so much in a casino that he jumped off. Only by freak accident somebody saw him. They turned the ship around and got him out of the water. What about that one on Pano where that woman was drugged,

raped, passed away away and they've just kind of like they tampered with evidence and then they say do you know what that stuff you did about sex it's a little bit distasteful you're not coming on the cruises anymore fucking cruise liners i like how you brought up all those examples to us as if we all keep abreast of the cruise liner tragedies oh yeah yeah Oh, yeah, yeah, I remember. Yeah, yeah, the guy who, yeah. They were all in the news. They were all significant news. You've got to stop that.

All I can think of is picturing you on the love boat and Captain Steuben going, oh, we're a little bit of light after dinner entertainment. We've got a quaint Australian colonial comedian coming out here. Hey, guys, anyone try to stick one into your missus when the kids are having a bit of a snore? Gopher just going, what the? Get Isaac in here. The moon boat. Love, exciting and new.

Come aboard, we're waiting for you. Gopher more like kids are getting to sleep and then fucking go for it, eh? That's more like it. It's great that Gary Chook loves my routine. Gary Chook should go on the boats. He should. They should be the Chook crews. I was kind of magnanimous about the whole thing.

I said, okay, I understand. I was kind of magnanimous about the whole thing. I said, okay, I understand. And I got on board with three other performers, a hypnotist, a classical pianist who also does some Billy Joel Elton John, and a country and Western performer. And I thought, and this may sound arrogant, but I thought that I was above those people

and that I wasn't suited to the crews, okay? Yeah. And on board I was thinking, why am I doing this? And then I went out and did my gig and I was messy and that sacked me and fine and I understand that. And then I took a step back and I think that probably the problem is and this has been you know part

of that showbiz thing where you will do anything to try and break away from your previous world so you can remain in showbiz employed in it you say yes to everything yeah yeah and that habit doesn't die very easily and even if you're too busy you still do it and try and cram stuff in that you maybe you should let go yeah and I probably should have said no to cruises a while ago because they're quite time-consuming for the money. And, you know, I am not suited to that life. Yeah. And I thought, you know, there's comics that I admire

of a certain calibre that aren't doing cruises because they're playing to their own audience on tour. So maybe I should get my shit together in that regard and stop just going, yeah, I'll do it, no worries, and signing up for anything. How is it where you go... And they're a lot of fun, by the way. I don't want to besmirch the whole cruise world.

I've had a lot of fun on cruises. But there's a point where you do get cabin fever, you're getting drinks that are duty free you're an honorary officer so you get another 40% off you're drinking a martini for 5 bucks a time I was sideways a lot I'm just blind and then just going back to my cabin

and then waking up at sea where am I? there's burning sun just coming through your porthole what's it like having a hangover but waking up and you're still rocking on a boat? You just go upstairs and you get into the pool and just try and cool yourself off and then go and get some fruit salad

and somebody says, there's always an ambush. And the other thing is you go to a comedy club, you do your gig, you come home, you're stuck with the audience. Well, that's what I was going the audience but that's why you're beholden to them too hey comedian come over here come and have a beer with us and you've got to go over because you know you're part of the cruise life yeah yeah and so you're having conversations a lot of conversations with people you wouldn't ordinarily do and sometimes that's really good and sometimes it's a bit shit but there's always an ambush someone that is waiting for you and on the final

day of that cruise i was hung over like a motherfucker i was shaking and i you could use that i had a bowl of fruits out and i turned around i was kind of like shaking and this woman goes i have been on cruises for i thought oh here she is i've been on cruises for... I thought, oh, here she is. I've been on cruises for 21 years and I have never seen anything as appalling as what you presented the other night. I was sitting there and I was like,

oh. Part of my brain was throw the fruits out the front. I told her to fuck off. Stick a curtain in her mouth. Finish this now. What did you do? I said, fuck off. Stick a curtain in her mouth. Finish this now. What did you do? I said, fuck off, mum. His mum was on the ship with him and she hated it.

She was already on the friendship group. I listened to the sustained attack. She said there was a 12-year-old boy in front of me and I was embarrassed for him. I said, did he seem visually upset, was he? She goes, well, I don't know. I said, well, what are you talking about? Did you speak to him? No, but

you're material, blah, blah, blah. On she went. I said, listen, the feedback's been overwhelmingly positive and I thank you for yours. As I put a large chunk of watermelon in my dial because that's what i was going to say anytime you know you have a gig and then you you've got that thing about thinking on the way home if it's gone badly or whatever or if you've had a bad experience whatever it is i've had that

time where you you're just alone with your own thoughts for you know half an hour drive home or whatever but if you're having a bad experience on that cruise and you're just stuck on a boat surrounded by millions of litres of water, surely that's a pretty surreal, weird, horrible experience. You're just surrounded by horizon, which is a beautiful thing. You're out there, you go, it's a big disk and we're in the middle of it. I'm insignificant.

And some woman goes, yeah, yeah. Hey, you're ruining my buzz, lady. You know, you look across the pool and people are smiling or nodding or you just see someone just giving you that. Don't think so, man. People who were offended in their ears. The closest I've ever come to talking back to someone at a gig was a lady came up after a gig once and she goes,

you started okay, but that whole middle bit was, and the middle bit was 20 minutes. She goes, that whole middle bit was just shit. And her husband was there and he sort of put his hand on her shoulder and goes, oh, look, he doesn't want to hear this. And she puts her hand up and takes his hand off her shoulder. And she goes, oh, look, he doesn't want to hear this. And she puts her hand up and takes his hand off her shoulder. And she goes, yeah, he does. He goes, this is how he gets better from hearing feedback.

And he goes, and she goes, what happened? She said, did you not have anything prepared? And he goes, look, he doesn't want to hear it. And I just said, I don't want to hear it. Because it was a gig of yours. Was this when you debuted the motherfucking Moon Bib? Yeah, there's a motherfucking Moon Bib. Because I agree with him in that case.

It was just terrible. I'm going to say there's a license that middle-aged women give themselves just to come up and give you a bit of fucking feedback. Now, a guy of the same age might hate you, but he doesn't say it, but it's like, do you know, if you're a fucking 60-year-old woman

and you've got something to say to somebody about how they're going in life, mind your own fucking business and fuck off back to the shitty little country town you're from. For all the 60-year-old women that do listen to our show, I hope they haven't been offended. No, seriously. 60-year-old men slash women.

You know, I don't even know the age, maybe mid-60s, a little bit fucking angry at the world. You! You! So you came along to get upset. You weren't prepared to be entertained or to laugh at all you fucking wicked old stick i'm gonna i'm gonna get the panacea manifest of that chip i'm gonna find out i'm gonna go door to door and find out who they are i had a guy i had a guy once i got out of a

gig and uh it was the worst gig i've ever done it was horrible i was trying you it didn't work i don't know why. It's stuff that I've never even digged up to see if I could make something of. It was at a theatre. And I got off stage and I sat next to a guy. And because I couldn't leave the building, I had to sit in the audience again. And I sat next to this guy and he goes, what happened? And I said, sorry.

And he goes, I don't know if I probably won't come across in the podcast, but he goes, looks all right. Like I insulted him or something. And he's like, he was the bigger man to accept the apology. I sat through this and now I'm being bigger than that guy. I can't stand Gretch, I guess. It's just making me feel bad. Luke, I remember a gig really early on where you'd moved to Melbourne.

You hadn't been in Melbourne that long. And you came and did Soft Belly that I used to run. It's turned into Five Burrows. Oh, yeah. And there was a gig where, because you've got this great magic sort of nervousness on stage, but you've sort of got it under control now, but you used to have it. It would wildly fluctuate. Yeah, I get too nervous.

I wouldn't be able to. There was a gig where you got the most nervous anyone could ever get yeah and it just went insane where you end up getting out notes on stage and you couldn't read the notes because you're so nervous and you did this thing where you start to talk and you'd stop and you start stop and everyone was like this we don't know what's happening. We don't understand why you're saying this stuff. And it sort of went really weird. And then after the gig, because I was running the gig and intro and all the acts, a woman literally came up to me and goes, just so I know, that last guy that was on, is he retarded?

Now I'm married. And I'm like, Lawrence's mum. Fuck off, Lawrence's mum. Well, so we've finished your trial show already. There you go. Well, guys, that is all the time we have this week on The Little Dumb Dumb Club. Lawrence Mooney, Luke McGregor, thank you very much for joining us. Thank you, guys.

Thanks for having us. Lawrence, you're at the Adelaide Fringe Festival. I'm at the Adelaide Fringe Festival and the Melbourne International Comedy Festival, and I will not be on a cruise. Yeah. Luke McGregor, you're the same. I'm the same. I could be in Perth, too, but the dates are...

We'll put that up on the website and everything. I'm sure you'll be talking all about it on Twitter. Just look up Luke McGregor. Yeah, all over the place. Guys, we've got our Brisbane podcast on sale, and we've got our Melbourne podcasts on sale And we've got our Melbourne podcast on sale Headed to our website

LittleDumbDumbClub.com For tickets and all that stuff Come down It's going to be There's all sorts of stuff Happening this time of year Brisbane Saturday March the 8th I believe

Yes At the Southside Tea Rooms It's going to be heaps of fun Big guests already confirmed It's going to be great Yep We've got t-shirts on sale guys Yep

Yep Not many left And please go and vote for Josh Earl. Yeah, not long left, a couple days left to vote for Josh Earl.

A couple days left if you get this immediately, Josh Earl, the Rad Dad theme on the Triple J Hottest 100, manually type that in.

Guys, thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you mates.