The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 172 - Ben Lomas & Karl Woodberry

Episode Date: January 21, 2014

Lomas' Hernia, Karl's Non-Regret and Dingo Gets Arrested. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It is Comedy Festival season, which means that we are most likely coming to you to do live shows in the next couple of months. If you're in Brisbane, you can come and see me do my brand new stand-up show, Dreamboat, as part of the Brisbane Comedy Festival at the Brisbane Powerhouse. It is on March 4th till the 9th. I would love to see you guys there. Tickets are available through the Brisbane Powerhouse website. Also, Saturday, March the 8th at the Southside Tea Rooms in the afternoon, we are doing a live Little Dum Dum Club. We've already got some big guests lined up.

It's going to be heaps of fun. So please come out to both of those things. Tickets for the live show are littledumdumclub.com. And if you're in Melbourne, we've now got tickets on sale for all of our live Little Dum Dum Club podcasts we're doing every Sunday during the festival. Again, big guests. There's a season pass you can get that's going to save you some money.

So, yeah, we love this time of year. We love meeting all you guys. We love getting the support from you and seeing you at the shows. So please, if you're in either of those places, come down. We're going to have more stuff on sale soon and announced soon, including our solo shows at the Melbourne Comedy Festival and other places. But for now, littledumbdumbclub.com for tickets to the things

that are on sale right now, and we sure do hope we see you there. Hey, mate. Welcome once again to Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. My name is Tommy Dasolo. Thank you very much for joining us. And sitting opposite me is the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickheads. Okay, thanks very much for joining us, everyone.

We've blown out the clock on the introductions. The end for another week. Hey, it's been a while since we've dipped into the mailbag. Yeah, I've got something. You're saying you've got some correspondence to talk us through. The end for another week. Hey, it's been a while since we've dipped into the mailbag. Yeah, I've got something. You're saying you've got some correspondence to talk us through. Just, you know, just sold another few T-shirts this week, Clang. No big deal. We got, look, we sold a couple of large, no, what was it, mediums this week.

We'd left up that we still had smalls available, which is not the case. Yep. So I had to apologise and say, hey, I'm really sorry about this, but we don't. It was Sean Rosea, I think, who did the show. Yeah, the apes in the merch department

really fucked that one up. Yeah. So we've got to get new people in the mailroom, I think. So I said, oh, look, sorry, Sean, we don't have that size anymore. So we've got mediums. Will that do? I'm really sorry we've made a mistake there. And said his reply so you guys finally get a website and you fuck up the merch nice one

dickheads but seriously medium is fine i'm just disappointed that you didn't stuff up the ordering system so i got four shirts for 33 very good yeah very good so uh a la the uh how i mucked up the um the ticketing system to my own show, which I haven't mentioned yet. So, we talked about that a few weeks ago, how I accidentally gave out 10 tickets for the price of one or something to a bunch of people. Yeah, wasn't it meant to be a group price that was meant to be

if you have this many people in your group, you each get a ticket for this cost and what you put it as was all those people can come for this one price off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Instead of saying one, you know, it normally would cost whatever it was, $18. If you buy four, you can have it for $15 each, but it was $15 total because everyone got a ticket for $3 or whatever it was. So we had a laugh.

That was all great lessons learned. Unintentional Groupon that Carl Chandler's doing. Catch of the day. Lessons learned there. You would have thought I would have learned my lesson. Oh, here we go. I did put in a season ticket for our upcoming run

in March, April. Someone got a season ticket. Someone got a season ticket so that they could come to... They got 10 tickets for $50 or something. Oh, wow. Bargain basement prices

here at the Dum Dum Club. So I had to just email them and say, look, you are well within your rights to still have this, but if it's all right oh you can't you can't have it oh what an awful thing to have to get into and how did they respond they went oh we didn't even notice so that's fine whatever i think really the subtext of their reply was i don't know nine people that

would come along yeah if i can see a show of yours where your um literacy is obviously right down in the back and that's and that's pretty sad like you having to hit them up and go oh can we have that extra money please like that's just so sad like man if you needed enough to have to yeah go door to door and beg for it i don't blame them for going i actually don't want it anymore like if if this is the level wow that's that sounds like buffoonery on a par with what's going on with the apes in the merch department at the moment. Yeah, yeah.

We're going to, you know, it's all my fault. I'm going to have to hire a lot of people just to blame them on it and sack them. Yeah, yeah. It's going to be a very quiet Christmas party at the little Dumb Dumb Club HQ this year. Guys, let's get into our guests today. Two very dear friends of ours are returning into the Dumb Dumb Club. First of all Please welcome back Our good buddy

Carl Woodbury Namaste guys How's everyone going? What are you wearing? You're wearing a tie-dye t-shirt Well this is what I'm enjoying We've just come from playing There's a new indoor soccer team

That we formed A lot of local Melbourne comedians And the instruction we got was Just wear white And he's wearing he's wearing some insane Woodstock

tie-dye t-shirt so this is the closest in the Woodbury wardrobe this is the closest he has for white this is the base well probably did it start out as white

and then it was in the wash with like a dozen other colours or something did you put that in the washing machine with a troop of clowns one question at a time I don't know no one gave me the memo that you had to wear a bloody white t-shirt with a troop of clowns? One question at a time, guys.

I don't know. No one gave me the memo that you had to wear a bloody white T-shirt. Tuxes only. This is a tuxedo podcast, all right? I did get on the mushrooms last night, so forgive me. Yeah. Is it because tie-dye is kind of coming back a little bit?

It is coming back, like the general pants kind of thing. Yeah. But I was wearing tie-dye way before it was cool. So you've been holding onto this for all the years, waiting for it to come back in. I have, yeah. You're really just sitting on it. Yeah. But I was wearing tie-dye way before it was cool. So you've been holding on to this for all the years, waiting for it to come back in. I have, yeah. You're really just sitting on it.

Yeah. I quite like that. Yeah. That's good. Also joining us today, another very good buddy of ours. Please welcome back into the Little Dumb Dumb Club, Ben Lomas. Yay!

G'day, fuckers. Don't try and work your own catchphrases into the show, please. Namaste, mate. You idiot. Now, Ben, thank you very much for doing this today. You and I bumped into you in the street on Friday night, and we actually hatched kind of a plan to do a podcast with you in the next couple of weeks at kind of a special location.

Well, it was your idea. Yeah. We bumped... Where did we bump into? We bumped... Oh, yeah, that's right. You're at a comedy night. The exact location is neither important nor interesting.

No, no, no. Let him go. Let him go. With all these comics and they're all sitting outside because the pub had double booked the night and everyone in the comics were waiting for the guy who looked like Axl Rose.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. To finish. Was it Woodbury? That's new Axl Rose, too. Facelift Axl Rose. Yeah, we see. The puppet double booked. It says, like, this guy on playing music.

The gig's going to start at eight. So this guy got up and he's like, oh, just play some music and then you can start the gig. We're like, that's big of you. So he does that. He goes, this is my last song. We're going, great, gig can start now. Gets to the end to the end of his song goes all right now me mate daryl's gonna get up and play some songs too so he's in there going fucking it's like like an hour and a quarter late the gig started we should just sit there and wait for and i can imagine what it's like it's like

guys stop playing your music to no one we've got to come in and tell jokes to no one it pretty much was that yeah he had an audience yeah yeah yeah yeah, yeah. Oh, really? Yeah. So then I was hosting, so I had to get on and go, well, if you guys loved hearing your favourite Aerosmith songs, you know what you'll love just as much? Sitting in silence and paying attention to someone who is at the absolute middle of his game. Instead of listening to covers, here's some new stuff from our festival show. Here's Ben Lomas with Dream On. Yeah. listening to covers, here's some new stuff for my festival show. Here's Ben Lomas with Dream On.

But there is a lot of kind of camaraderie between the acoustic music scenes and the comedy scenes, by which I mean that as the music was happening, all the comedians just left the pub and sat out the front, as far away from the music as possible, which is when you rode past on your bike. I presume out of coincidence. You didn't know who was on? No, I was just running past, coming back from the city, and then there was like one comic and then two and then Anne Edmondson

and then everyone started clapping. Hang on. It was just weird. So hang on. Three things. One comic and then two and then Anne Edmondson, as if to suggest that she's not a comic, which is technically correct because Anne Edmondson is a person

that doesn't exist. Yeah, I always get the name wrong. Anne Edmonds. But I never – what do I say? Anne Edmondson is a person that doesn't exist. Yeah, I always get the name wrong. Anne Edmonds. But I never, what do I say? Anne Edmondson. Yeah. We did a gig with her recently and you brought her onto stage by her. I should just say, welcome to the stage, Ed O.

That's what I should do. My best mate, whoever the fuck this is. But you were telling me you're about to go in to hospital. Yeah, Tuesday. Really? Ben L about to go in to hospital. Yeah, Tuesday. Really? Ben Lomason is going into hospital. Jesus. Are you going to get the last bit of your name snipped off?

Are we giving him that? I'm just checking with the umpire and I believe that has gone through, yes. I believe that was three laughs. That's three green lights, buddy. Four if it counts my laugh. Chandler's taking the podcast in straight sets. The tennis is on, guys. I get it.

Tennis is happening. Go on, you're sick. Go on. Tuesday. No, well, hang on. That's really serious, mate. I'm about to die. That's great.

No, Tuesday I'm going into hospital to have a hernia pushed back into my stomach. Yeah. That's right, ladies. Hello. What does that mean? I've never really understood what a hernia is. I don't know how people don't notice it, but there's a couple of photos of me on Facebook at a comedy night.

You can fucking see the thing. I just have this massive book you've got a massive gut how big is your hernia how big is your hernia oh here we go we're getting a look

yeah oh yeah I can see that on sight side view it just sticks out like a tennis ball is that the hernia there touch it

yeah touch it no no no no touch it touch it you laid your bed mate why are you punching it for? You don't need a doctor, I'll get this one back in for you. I feel a little bit like Sigourney Weaver for some reason.

No, I've had nightmares about that. I've actually had nightmares. Because when I got it, it was like, I've been on the waiting list. How did you get that? It's all who you know. Who did you know? Have you been to Mars recently, like Total Recall? Reach for the reactor, Ben.

I don't even get it, but I love it. Let me think of another space movie. Buck Rogers, everyone. I was just trying to think of Mars Attacks. I can't remember any reference. Did you get dunked on by Michael Jordan? Yeah. Alright. I'm ready

for the real story now. But just for people listening who can't see it, it's just above your belly button and it's kind of like golf ball shaped. The size of it, it's grown over the last one and a half years. Because, you know, being a comedian, I don't have private health insurance. I've been on the waiting list And eventually

I got an appointment Like just ages And then When I showed it to him He just went Ooh Yeah We need to do this

As soon as possible Oh wow And so I'm like Well I've had this for like Over a year Because I got it When I was in Edinburgh I got the flu

Oh It's true what they say You go to Edinburgh And you can get BBC Yeah Hernias Did you get the flu From making out flu. It's true what they say. You go to Edinburgh and you can get BBC, hernias. Did you get the flu from making out with the head of the BBC and he had it at the time?

Is that the new sponsor for the award? It used to be the Perrier and then the Foster's now it's the hernia. That's the thing, the hernia got more auditions than I did. But I got it because I just had the flu and I was coughing so much and I was coughing so hard That it just went And then it just popped out

Oh wow And it was like And I was like Oh that's weird And I went to sleep And the next morning I was like Well this is not right

What the fuck am I supposed to do So what does the hernia do Like why What is it supposed to be Because I think you'd be like me You'd have heard Because I think the hernia Is the number one ailment

In sitcoms Would you agree with that the number one ailment in sitcoms. Would you agree with that? In American sitcoms. In American sitcoms, people are always talking about hernias. There's like four separate episodes of Friends where someone has a hernia. I'm like you. I remember hearing it a lot growing up, but never actually knowing what it is. What you're trying to say is, I'm going to make it one day.

You got it, Joey. Whatever you want to make. Two guys, a girl, Lomas, and a pizza place. Joe, there'd be no girl there. It's just him alone with a pizza. That's 30 love. Resting it on his hernia. Because you've got a bit of that guy.

Who's the guy in that sitcom? Oh, Ryan Reynolds. Ryan Reynolds. Yeah, I'll take that. Yeah, he married Scarlett Johansson. You got a hernia. Yeah, but he broke up with her. Things are going well for him.

Yeah, so getting it, getting it, well, yeah, not cut out, pushed back in on Tuesday. Why don't you get it cut out? Like, what's it supposed to do? Okay, so a hernia, you don't know what it is. No, I don't know what it is. You know, you've got your stomach muscle and then you've got your intestines underneath it. Right. What happens is there's like usually at the umbilical cord

where your belly button is, it's a bit weaker there, the stomach muscles, and so the bit of the intestines pushes through like a balloon. Right. And then it just gets bigger and bigger and you can't push it back in. Right. So you have to have surgery.

Oh. Yeah. Shout out to all the medical students listening who are going to smash their exams this semester after that. So Carl, the hernia isn't a part of your body like you said before.

Yeah, I thought it was. Well, so it's not that. No, it's like that's what's happening. It's a condition. No, it's not like lung, heart, arm, leg, hernia. So I don't have a hernia. Yeah, it's like your soul.

No. Exactly. Right. I believe you meant to say conscience um right so i yeah right so it's just a it's cool a hernia is caused not everyone has a hernia it's a it's like saying uh i've got a broken arm now no one no one has a broken arm it's a thing that's caused yeah it's the thing it's caused okay So, yeah. But the thing, it's because it's so big. Like, they usually would do keyhole, but I've been told that they have to cut me open a fair bit.

Like, I love it that I'm talking about this, but I am so shit scared. Is this part of embarrassing bodies down under at the moment? Did you, were you also part of that without the hernia? Look at this dickhead. He does have no hernia. Now he's just running onto other courts and taking over the games there. He's gone rogue. Hang on, there's someone that's walked past my house.

Hey, you fuckhead. What are you, you got a stupid walk? Come back here. I actually turned and looked to see if there was someone. I was just living and hoping there it would be like a small child or like someone in a wheelchair or something. Why can't I bring this into auditions? Why can't I?

But anyway, you were telling me that you're going in for surgery. Yeah. Which is when I suggested that we record a bedside podcast with you live from Ward 7 East. Now, I don't think that is a good idea. And the only reason I say that is when you cut it, you're pretty much having a C-section. They're cutting through everything.

So the one muscle that I'll have to use to laugh is my stomach muscle, and that will be painful. So really, if you guys make me laugh, it will hurt a lot, and you will clearly enjoy that. You've heard this show before. There's no danger of that happening. I'm just glad if I was you, I would not plan to go and see any bad open mic

in the next couple of months because that is where the Lomas laugh shines. No, mate, you've got potential. If there's something Ben Lomas loves to laugh at, it is bad comedy. Especially just before you're about to go on. You love to laugh. You love to listen and you love to laugh.

I do, but I think it stems from when I started doing comedy. When I first started doing comedy, there was a guy, I still can't remember his name, and I was working at a hostel and he would come down to the bar every night, perform in front of backpackers for 40 minutes as part of the fringe and only do jokes about state politicians and I remember just finding it hilarious because all the backpackers

were just so bored and he would continue doing it and that's where I think my thirst for you know what it's like when you do a gig

and it's going so bad I have this it goes so bad that you go this feeling I'm having is so unique that I can't it's unique that I can't, it's so awkward, I can't help but laugh.

That is, to be fair, you do laugh at those people that go badly. When you're going badly, you do laugh a lot on stage. But you also laugh at yourself when you're going well as well. Yeah, that's true. You are going to struggle with this surgery, mate. I'm alive. Oh, God.

Give me some more heroin. Wow, the memorial Ben Lomas podcast right here. Yeah, great. I love it, but I'm feeling so uncomfortable. It'll be good. Well, because the other day during the heat wave, Ben, I bumped into you on the way to a gig and you were wearing shorts. Carl, I know that you went to see the gig later on.

You're well documented in your dislike of shorts on stage. I think I'm not the only one. I don't think I should be owning this. I think everyone mostly is. Yeah. You're not the only one, but you're certainly the president. You're the ringleader. You're the most vocal.

I am pro that opinion. I don't think I'm number one. But what about if it's like, it was that day, if it's over 40, surely would you still do a gig in pants? I did. I took pants to the gig

and put pants on, did the gig and then put my shorts back on. And the thing is that most comics have fucked dress sense. You've got some guy out there with like... Are we all looking at Woodbury at the moment?

Are we all... Hang on. You've got a shaman amulet hanging off your neck as well. Proof meat pudding. Anyway, as I was saying, guys. Yeah, you know, you've got some guy with like three-quarter jean shorts on. Oh, yeah. It's just It's rude

I saw Xavier Michaelides Have been on the show A lot of times Do a show in summer With jeans shorts on A dress shirt And a tie with a bomb on it I'm like

You know what You know what Shout out Shout out to Granny Mays For sponsoring Xavier Michaelides That's a funny thing to wear Like doing a comedy gig answering, save me my galitias. That's a funny thing to wear,

like doing a comedy gig and having something to do with bombing on you as people are watching you do the gig. That's a, like the audience looking at it going, that's a good idea. That's what we should now have this guy do. What? So you go into hospital this week.

Yep. What day? We're recording this on a Sunday, so what day? I'm going in on the Tuesday. Tuesday, right. Oh, you'll be in when people listen to this.

Yep, so I'll be in, so hopefully I'll still be alive. So Vincent, people can go and look you up if they want to. This podcast, if you die on the table, this probably won't come out.

So if, just by hearing this. Or, no, or you keep it and then I'll become really famous once I'm dead and then you can release it and we'll become

very reviled for laughing at you for the whole hour the funeral can just be still worth it the funeral can be we just play this episode as the

as the casket's being carried down the and my mum and dad just crying going oh it's the comedy it's still here and as it's going, oh, it's the comedy! It's still here! Yeah, and as it's going down, instead of my heart will go on, it's just us going

yeah, anyway, you could die soon! Yeah! Xavier's in the room crying and then he hears that bit about hanging shit on his dress ends. Xavier's like the one comic there going, oh, you know, we understand that we can laugh at everything. Yeah, Granny May, hang on, that's too far. Throws his daffy-dut hack on the ground and runs out of there.

And now if he actually is dead, now this bit is going to play very serially, us discussing the implications of the thing. Stop talking about me dying. In a way, let's hope Lomas doesn't die. This podcast will be shitty if he doesn't die. I love it that only an hour ago I had a conversation with my mum going, I'm a little bit scared.

But not to take it into weird territory, but is there an actual chance of you dying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There actually is. No, there is. Because it's quite serious surgery. This is the thing. Oh, well, that changes everything.

Guys, let's start again. Sorry, mate. I thought we were talking about a Warner Brothers card. I take that back. I thought it was a hangnail. You're all right. I thought you were going in for a massage. Yeah, I thought Wile E. Coyote was just going to put a bomb in there

and blow up your hernia and we'd be all fine. Yeah, and Xavier next to him going, no. Can't I just buy a Granny Maze? He's dropping a lot of fucking Granny Maze. Poor old Granny Maze. So, yeah, no, it's Tuesday. I'll be in there for like a couple of days. There's still tickets available. So, yeah, no, it's Tuesday. Like, I'll be in there for, like, a couple of days. There's still tickets available.

Yeah, still tickets available. Oh, no, it's sold out. No, it'll be the thing for next year's show. Yeah, that'll be it. It is, isn't it? Oh, come on! Mate, I've been around hospitals a bit. I'll put in a good word to the surgeons for you.

I'll get them to give you a bit of extra treatment. I'll get them to give you a bit of extra treatment. I'll get them to give you a happy ending hernia removal. So they sew you up and they jack you off while you're still under. Because they owe you it. I love that idea of like if you woke up and you were in surgery and it's like, well, they're all masked anyway. Just enjoy it. That's fine.

Happy hernia. Dude, I wonder why that's never become a thing, They're all masked anyway. Just enjoy it. That's fine. Happy ending. I wonder why that's never become a thing, like a dodgy hospital in Thailand where they give you a happy ending surgery. Probably because you're not conscious at the time, so it's a bit of a waste. It's really just for the surgeons at that stage. Sure, be selfish about it. He's not getting hurt.

He's bashing it against his scalp. And you've got that machine up to the erection as well. Just go... I think we've lost this one, guys. Trying to defibrillate your dick to have a boner. Electroshock your penis. We've lost him. The patient's fine.

Oh, he's back now. I think your penis saw the light at the end of the tunnel. Oh he's back now I think your penis Saw the light At the end of the tunnel We should all be so lucky So Tuesday

So we're only three days away What have you been up to Woodbury I'm a pitcher of health Quit drinking Yeah you're the opposite You are the booper Ben Lomas at the moment

No The booper Jesus Just going out to our North American fans You'll enjoy that day An ad that's probably Only being played Inomas at the moment. No. Booper. Jesus. Just going out to our North American fans, you'll enjoy that day. An ad that's probably only being played in Melbourne at the moment. Yeah. So, Lomas, you've got to...

How long before the surgery have you got to stop eating or drinking or doing whatever? Yeah. Yep. It's 24 hours before. So, it's come tomorrow. 72 hours at the moment. So, that's why you're drinking a Chardonnay at four in the afternoon.

No, excuse me so I'm blank because that was the important point the only reason I'm drinking that is yesterday I had to host

a beer festival in Ballarat which is the height of my comedy career and now I can't look at beer or anyone

from the country ever again did you but you weren't drinking you were no I tasted some of the all those micro breweries or anyone from the country ever again. But you weren't drinking? No, I tasted some of the, you know, all those micro breweries, and I had a sip,

but I was driving back because I had a gig in the city. You might die soon. You've got to live it up while you're still here. Is this all prescribed to you by your surgeon? To make sure you do a beer festival? What we find works best is if you get shit-faced three days before. Get out to the country, host something that's really bad for you, get amongst that, then do a podcast. For no reason, What I find works best is if you get shit-faced three days before. Get out of the country. Do something. Post something that's really bad for you.

Get amongst that. Then do a podcast. For no reason start getting on the same boat. I'm not looking forward to them calling up. Because they call up 24 hours and like, have you had anything to drink? Because they ask those questions. Well, they have that little faith in you that they've got to remind you. I think they have to do it by, probably not by law, but I think that's protocol.

So, you know, it's not like they call you up and you're just blind going, ah, yeah, you know, you rock up and you're absolutely wasted. Oh, fuck, is that tomorrow? I'll just drink heaps of water. I'll be fine.

I'll just fucking smoke some meth. I'll be good. You guys got light bulbs in your fucking hospital, mate? Because this reminds me at the moment of like, so you were on the wine because it's, you know, you've got another three days away, but like you still shouldn't be probably on it, yeah?

No, not really. I mean, I'm having like, you know. It's your third and you've been here for 45 minutes. Yeah, it's probably a total of two glasses. Because this reminds me of one time when Fleety, Greg Fleet, friend of the show. Oh this reminds me of one time when Fleetie, Greg Fleet, friend of the show. That's why I want to hear this.

This is a good sign, isn't it, that I'm comparing you to Greg Fleet, isn't it? This is to scare him straight. Carl's been hired by the hospital. This isn't even recording. This is just an intervention. These are not plugged in. We've been employed by Mr and Mrs Lomas. I bring a nice bottle of wine from a mate

I'm your new sponsor mate also drop and give me 50 no Fleety just before he went to rehab once did like a workshop and he was like a day away from going

to rehab so he's obviously raising money by doing this cockamamie workshop cockamamie just a shout out to that word that's never been used

on this podcast before balloons are falling from the sky guys add that to the dum-dum lexicon And just a shout out to that word that's never been used on this podcast before. Balloons are falling from the sky, guys. Add that to the dum-dum lexicon, which is also another word that we haven't used before. Oh, lexicon's been used, I reckon. I'm a big fan of lexicon. What episode? I don't carry around the exact number in my head, so I'll look it up. So Fleety was doing this like 24 hours before he went to rehab and he was doing it at a bar

and he was basically doing that like prep grade one thing of, you guys go and work amongst yourselves over there and he just got behind the bar and necked every bottle in there and was like, you've got to make the most of it. I'll be drinking nothing tomorrow. And it's like, yeah, but that's to get you off what you're doing now. Like the best way to treat this is to not drink today and then you'll have a day up tomorrow.

But he didn't. Just making sure I have plenty of things to apologise for in that first step. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's you, Lomas. No, that's not me. You may. You're fleeting.

Yeah. What about you, Woodbury? You ever had any major surgery or anything like that? You would have broken some bones. You would have broken some bones over your years, I reckon. Yeah, just skating stuff and that sort of thing. Nothing really interesting. Well, you actually went to, you know, you, if anyone listened to any episodes that you've

done before on this show, could see you had a serious problem with things. But you sort of took yourself to rehab, didn't you? Yeah, yeah. But to your own, like, your own, you just did it yourself, didn't you? Yeah, I did. Well, sort of. Right. My last bender went for 26 days straight.

Did it really? That's true. 26 days. 26 days of pass out drunk every single night. I cannot believe you didn't finish February. I know. And it was a leap year. Now that is some cockamamie behaviour.

What a jackaninny. That is some cockamamie behaviour. What a jackaninny. So you did 26 days straight and then literally just what got up and went? I called my mum and there was drugs and shit involved in that too and other comedians. So I woke up and it was just, you know the hangover you get after two days of drinking? You ever had that before?

No. No? Yeah, no, no, no. Yeah, yeah, no, no. Yeah, yeah, no, no. We know you do, Ben, all right? Guys, check out how uncool Carl is, everyone. He's never drunk for two days in a row. What a square.

I bet you pay rent every month, you piece of shit. Carl Chandler, he's the geekiest girl in school. Guys, I've got West Coast Coolers in my fridge. I can drink to you, I can drink. West Coast Coolers. He can be pretty cool. West Coast Coolers in my fridge. I'm pretty good. He could be pretty cool. I was looking forward to coming back here and have all of your references hitting 98.9 and stopping there.

I refuse to acknowledge any brand name after 83. Sweet dry or draught. Yeah, man, and so I called my mum and they lived in Queensland at the time Luckily And I went up there And I stayed at one of their retreats

For a little bit But was Sorry Was there a trigger point? Is there just One of those Was it one of those moments Where you like

You know Where you Yeah I don't think There wasn't a trigger point enough Because if you remember That it was 26 days straight I think you could have done A few more days

You know You know what the trigger point was And you were involved in this. Oh, this is going to be good. I'd never really let it affect my comedy except for the Dum Dum live podcast Unrecorded that I don't remember happening. And heaps of gigs I don't remember happening.

Let's wedge in a quick plug, get your season passes and come along to this year's one. We can get him back on the booze by then, guys. I promise. Because it was, in hindsight, that was bad. At the time, it was fun because you were just a dancing monkey for us, drinking beer out of a shoe. But you walked across the stage at one point

and almost broke a lot of very expensive equipment that would have been very bad for us. And you were wearing a sombrero as well, weren't you? Or did you want to go to a Mexican party? I was at a Mexican party before and a girl that I liked at the time I invited to come along, like I was a big hot shot, and I got there. No laughs while I was on stage.

Pretty much just got ushered out to the corner where I made sultry remarks at everyone and Carl called me Trevor Marmalade on crack. Okay, look at him, he loves it. He loves it, everyone. That was a great line though To be fair But I like

You were dressed as a Mexican But you were like Out of your mind So that was a great excuse And now you've got no excuse For what you're wearing At the moment This is the sober shit

Anyway And it was actually Because on the last End of that bender I was supposed to go And help you I think you were going to Help me out on a gig

Help you out on a gig I was there I was there And you didn't turn up. You didn't go to a show. I didn't call, didn't turn up. And that was just like, fuck. This is the first time I've really thought,

if I want what I want in life, you know, if I want to do comedy, I can't do any of this shit. This shit has to fucking stop. And, you know, like, and I'd spent, before I started comedy, I couldn't remember a seven-day period that I'd gone without taking hard drugs. Wow.

Brandon, I could only remember six days before anything was happening. Why am I the one having an operation? What age would this start? I first started smoking weed when I was 12. Wow. Yeah. So in grade 6? Grade 6 into 7, the school holidays there.

It's the summer of love. I was so slow. Yeah, good year. I was so slow on anything like this. I remember my friends like starting drinking, like we'd go camping away or something on someone's farm and then like smuggling out like, you know, drinks and whatever and like green, what was it?

Stone's ginger wine. What else did you do? Stone's Ginger Wine. What else did you do? Stone's Ginger Wine. Yeah. Do you remember that? That was your era of like first drinks. It was Goon Sacks probably for us. And Woodstock and Coke for me.

The Stone's Ginger Wine, I still can taste it now. It's the worst thing ever. And I remember that being brought out at like age, what would it be 15 i think yeah me being like just like i wasn't quite ready for it like my friend just started drinking i wasn't quite i was still like i think i'm still a kid i don't think i can i can drink this i remember one of my great um memories of what's the opposite of regret i can't uh you don't know that happy good my biggest just life my. My biggest good was...

The living thesaurus over here. My biggest opposite of a regret is not saying what I thought at the time because I remember very clearly them going, here you go, just drink this, we're all drinking, just grab some of this. And I remember just holding myself from saying, I don't need drink or drugs. Sport is my natural high, guys. Oh, my God.

Wow. I remember thinking that and going to say it and then just getting any form of distance away from it and going, man, I could have been killed. I don't think I would have had a friend for three years after that. Yeah, dude. That's intense. That's a scripted thing off some afternoon movie.

You really are the geekiest girl in school. You could be hot if you let your hair down and took those glasses off. Fair enough, he was auditioning for Seventh Heaven. If I'd have said that, I would have had to go and get braces to make myself look cooler after that. You would have. Sport is my drug. I'm out of here, guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Stick my head down a dunny just to go, I don't want to bother you guys. I'll just do it myself. Oh, what a total virgin. Oh, no. I've got a pretty crazy story. I still remember thinking that now, going how close I was to destroying the rest of my life.

That would have shaped you so much too because your friends would have ostracised you. Yeah. And they would have just gone, oh. And who knows? You could have ended up doing comedy. Oh, yeah. No, it's a sweet podcast. you and they would have just gone oh and who knows you could have ended up doing comedy oh yeah yeah it's like

the movie The Butterfly Effect where Ashton Kutcher can go back in time so it's like if you actually had done that and you know

you feel like that ruined your life and so you go back and you don't say it and then you see the reality is you here now doing a podcast

and you go oh fuck no take me back I'll say it I'm sorry if I'd gone back and said that and all my deadbeat and then you see the reality is you here now doing a podcast and you go, oh, fuck, no, take me back. I'll say it. I'm sorry. If I'd gone back and said that, all my deadbeat friends would have ostracised me and then I would have had meaning to my life

and gone and hung out with successful people instead of kids drinking goon at 15. I used to, when I started drinking, me and my friends used to go to the park near, like we all sort of lived in the same area, and a friend of ours had a fake ID that was, I think I've mentioned this before, he had a fake ID that was his older sister's ex-boyfriend's ID.

And it looked like him in the photo, like my friend. So I was like, great, because we've got a fake ID we can use. But also your sister went out with someone who kind of looks like you. Like that's pretty weird. So we would get all his booze and sit in this park and we did this for like kind of a few weeks in a row. And then it was like this park that was kind of in this big, you know, dense residential area.

And one night we were sitting there and the cops showed up, but they just like drove through the middle of the park towards where we were sitting. And so we all scatter and we're like, you know, running through the streets into alleyways and like calling each other up going where are you i'm i'm scared at like genuine like you know 16 thinking we're gonna go to jail forever for this and like thinking that it's so serious and then reaching a certain age going the cops would have been in the car just loving it going how good is this look at him run and now you just don't care, now if you're that pissed and you're pissing in the middle of the street

and the cops come past, you just wave to them. Do you? Yeah. Have I told you a story about me getting let off by the police for driving really badly? Have I said that on the show before? I don't know that you have. Because that was when I first moved to Melbourne

and I moved to Williamstown, which is the other side of the city. And you sort of, it's sort of its own little thing over there and you don't necessarily have to come in here and whatever. And I, I've always been very conscious, had been very conscious of driving in the city because I come from Meribah and then I stayed in Ballarat.

I was very, I was quite scared of driving around in busy traffic and multi-lane traffic and hook turns and the like. And I was always quite conscious about it. And then I started doing comedy and I had to go places late at night. So I drove into the city one night. I had to do a gig and then I came out and it was like a one-way sort of a street and I had to go back to Williamstown.

I was like, how do I get back there? I only know one way and I've missed that way. So maybe I come down here and if I can turn right here, I'll be fine. I'll just turn right and that's the vague direction of Williamstown. I'll be fine. And I got down there and it was like left turn only. And I went, oh, I don't know what to do. No, no, I'm turning right.

I'm just going to turn right. And I just looked at it and went, oh, I can make it before this guy. And I just turned right in this horrible way because the roads aren't built to turn right on. So I went this horrible way and I went, oh, shit, I just cut that guy off. Oh, shit, that's a police car. And I cut off a cop car and i just flat out really badly cut them off and just half cut them off and then went what am i gonna do now just stop in the middle of traffic so i'll just keep driving and i looked in the rear vision and i could see the police look at each other in the car and go is this guy kidding

and then like they looked at each other like are we gonna put the siren on is this guy kidding? And then they looked at each other like, are we going to put the siren on? Is this happening or not? And then one guy goes, oh, well, I'm the guy that's going to have to do it. And he was like, he almost looked at me like, so you're not just going to stop yourself? All right, well, I'll put the siren on. And just put the lights on.

I'm like, yeah, no worries. I pulled over and the guy comes up and I went in the window and he just goes, what happened then? And I went, oh, I'm just a really shit driver. And he went, yeah, you are. And he goes, what was going through your head? You just cut off a police car going the wrong way down a street. And I went, cards on the table, buddy. All right?

Cards on the table. I've just, I come from the country and I live in Williamstown, which is about one degree off being in the country. And you're wearing overalls with no shirt on underneath at this point. So you don't really need to point that out. He wasn't auditioning for Mr. Bean at the time. That three-wheeled police car. The Kelpie on the back of my ute was yapping incontrollably at this point.

I had to deliver the fresh fruit and vegetables to the market. I'm like, why is the cop holding me up? So anyway, I said, look, this is the situation. I live in Williamstown. I come from the country. I don't know how to drive in the city. I really don't know what I'm doing. I'm just trying to get back to Williamstown as soon as I can where I know what Williamstown. I come from the country. I don't know how to drive in the city. I really don't know what I'm doing. I'm just trying to get back to Williamstown as soon as I can

where I know what I'm doing. And he goes, right. And he went back to his car and then, you know, checked my rego, checked my driver's license, whatever, and then just came back and just took forever just to talk to me. Like, he couldn't even be bothered talking to me. I was that far beneath him. And he goes, mate, just go back to Williamstown and don't

come back. What a 4K drive out of the city. You just see him at the bridge just standing there with a hair blowing in your hair. Not today. I just love the image of you being driven past the big sign that says,

welcome to Melbourne. And then the police just shoving you out of the car going, And stay out! You were the story at the Christmas party that year, I reckon. You were, weren't you? Yeah, maybe. The police Christmas party. The police Christmas party.

They didn't even want to deal with me, I think because they'd just been doing like a booze bus and they'd been like pulling up people that had serious drinking problems and serious breaking the law. And then they've just got like a miscellaneous dickhead. They're like, oh, this guy's such a lightweight. What are we even bothering with this guy?

Yeah. If you lived in New Zealand, you would have been featured on that show, Police 10-7. Have you ever seen that? I love that show so much. Doesn't that paint a very dull picture of New Zealand where it's like the biggest crime on the roads is like, this guy's got one of his taillights out and he won't pull over. We've been following him for two blocks now. They do reality TV better than Australia, I think.

You reckon? Yeah. No, no, no. I really like that show because I remember the cops are really polite over there as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they don't have guns around here. They're like, hey, taillights out.

Oh, cheer, bro. Real. Yeah. Is that beer in there? It's like, yeah, bro. I remember there was one scene where there was like – New Zealand accent there? Yeah. like, yeah, bro. I remember there was one scene where there was like... New Zealand accent there? Yeah.

Both the white and the Maori. There was one where there was like a group of 40 guys and you see two cops going over and going, hey, buddy, just put down the hammer. Really, really gentle. But I had a mate, just being a dickhead in front of cops, I had a mate and we're in the car and he doesn't drink, he doesn't smoke, he doesn't do anything.

And we're going and it was like, oh, you know, random he doesn't do anything and we're going it was like oh you're random breath test and he started freaking out i was like calm down like you know you're okay and we get there he goes uh random breath test and then he grabs it and what he does he doesn't blow he just sucks he just goes right and the cop just the cop is just in shock And goes Are you for real And he goes How did I go It's a straw isn't it There's fucking more booze

In this thing isn't there It's a weird shaped can To be fair What would the reading have been Like you wouldn't have blown over Yeah But it was like When he did it

It was like And then just took one big suck Like Because he just It's like a straw thing And I was like But Yeah It was bizarre Carl Woodbury Have you ever run a foul of the law And then just took one big suck. Because he just thought, well, it's like a straw thing. And I was like, but, yeah. Carl Woodbury, have you ever run afoul of the law?

You would have had some run-ins, I reckon. Yeah. Do you have a police record? Yeah. Is it long? No, a couple. Okay. Yeah.

So urinating in public. Oh, great. Boring. And drug possession and graffiti in the US when I lived in the US. Wow. You've taken it international. Yeah.

So from 16 to 18, I lived in the States in Phoenix, Arizona. Are you Banksy? Banksy? Is this how we finally find out? This would be so amazing. The best part

is that my tag was dingo because I was from Australia. And the O had a little circle so it looked like a paw. And then when they finally arrest you and they find out your tag, you're like, well, that solves where all the missing babies are. You wussies! So anyway, I was on this bus ride and I was sitting there and I was tagging on the back of a bus seat and I kind of look behind me

and there's like a gangster-y, maybe 35-year-old looking dude behind me, like a black guy, and he was like all gangsta'd out. And I was like, oh, he's not going to do anything. I start riding and I just saw a shape go past me. And then the bus stops and I look up and it's the bus driver. And with the gangster guy, and the gangster guy just got out of prison from 21 years in prison. And he was like, man, you can't follow down the same path I did.

I'm like, I fucking write dingo with a big mark of mine. I'm not from here. He was right. You know what? Sport should have been your natural high. And as it's happening, I've called the police, the bus drivers. I've called the police. Four cop cars, get in, arrest me, handcuffs, take me to a jail.

What? Get out of here. 100%. 100%. Take me to a juvenile jail and I sit in the jail with another Mexican guy and he got to have a burrito in there. I was so hungry because it had been like three hours. He gets a burrito. Did they bring you like a McColl's or something? in there. I was so hungry because it's been like three hours and I'm just watching him eat

this burrito. He gets a burrito. Did they bring you like a McColl's or something? Your national cuisine? I'll back steakhouse. That's a cooker

burrowing there, a pizza with some egg on it. Where's your shrimp? Where's your billabong? No, they just give you a board and you just

start doing the wobble. Here you go, mate. They give you a coke and a didgeridoo to suck it out of. It's just straw, mate. Yeah, they took my shoelaces and just put thongs on me. Just you talking before about the cop car putting its siren on, this reminded me of this.

I'm going to have to once again delve into that bleak period of my life in order to set this story up. But when I was sick, when I was in hospital, I was being transported from the royal children's hospital to the peter mccallum to undergo the like really intense part of my cancer treatment and i got taken in an ambulance and so i'm in the back of the ambulance and they got there's a guy in there and i'm like hey can we like can we put the sirens on and he's like oh like it's not like we sort of just use that for like emergencies and stuff when chandler drives like a dickhead yeah it's like we sort of just use that for like emergencies and stuff. When Chandler drives like a dickhead.

Yeah. It's like we sort of need to like we don't just, you know, put it on, you know, willy nilly. And I'm like, to be fair, I am technically dying of cancer. Yeah. And he just goes, okay, it was a good moment. I'm going to just keep it on for two and a half years in remission, dude. Just joyriding around the place.

To be fair, that's a better thing that you should have wished for than the laptop you got from Make-A-Wish. Yeah, yeah. As far as the laptop, what else do you want your little greed? Fuck, can I just say now, since I've talked about that on this podcast and in my stand-up and stuff, anytime anyone anywhere in the world makes a wish now, the phone lines light up on Twitter.

Like, the day of the San Francisco Bat Kid was the best day of his life and maybe the worst day of mine because it was just people going, ah, better than what you had, isn't it, dickhead? What's the Bat Kid? In San Francisco, the kid wished for the Make-A-Wish Foundation to be Batman for the day.

Yeah, my new beliefs don't believe in internet, mate. You what? My new beliefs. Oh, okay. Really? Anyway, that was good. You're not using the internet? Because that's so because that's

when you look at you that sort of seems believable yes that's what I meant yeah yeah oh well yeah so the whole town

of San Francisco kind of like this kid dressed up as Batman and they did all these things where they're like someone pretended that they were being

kidnapped and then he came in and like saved the day so it's like you went all around the town doing all these Batman things and the guy got involved it's like you went all around the town doing all these Batman things. There were thousands of people.

It was huge, yeah. They killed his parents. That's awesome. You've got to be careful with those wishes. There's always a fine print where they come. That's how they get you. No, it's like a packet of Tim Tams that never runs out. Good reference.

The 1200 Techniques guy. So do you get a picture when you got arrested and whatever in America? Oh, yeah, mugshot. Yeah, Splash Mountain style. Do they deport you? Is there any? No, I'm a US citizen because my mum's from there. Yeah, Choctaw Nation.

This is what that thing you were bringing up before. My mum is one quarter Choctaw Indian. Really? Absolutely. And this is a healing pouch. So you put this on, you put something special in there. Any chance I could borrow that on Tuesday? To be fair, it hasn't fixed his T-shirt.

Fixed my T-shirt. From the bloody high point of fashion over here, wearing a neon Genesis Evangelion T-shirt. And that's, you know, I don't believe in that. You bought it by accident. I don't believe in that You bought it by accident Everybody knows You don't believe in fashion I don't believe in manga

I don't That was my favourite Because you bought that Not knowing what it's a reference to And then we Took the photo For this podcast one week And the nerds

Came out of the woodwork And went Ah One of us I'll see you at the next Magic gathering I've even had nerds Come up to me and go

I'm a nerd But I'm not that bad I don't need alcohol Neon Genesis Evangelion is where I get my high Giant anime monster cocks is my natural high guys That's not even from the show

but the only Japanese animation you've ever watched is the one with the big boy. Literally, yeah, I used to live with a guy that just was, I think he was clinically depressed or something, because all he would, I would come home and all he watched was that show from England called Bottom. Yeah. With Rick Mayall and Adrian Edmondson, that and manga. And the only manga, I'd walk in and it would literally, it was just, it seemed to be the same scene every time I'd walk in.

Some girls on top of a demon's monster cock that was going into the sky yeah or it's some animal fucking a woman usually like a giant

yeah it's weird yeah to finish up the the drinking story I don't remember I don't think I got my mug shot but I had to just for doing that

for the for tagging on the back of a bus I had I think it was 650 hours of community service i had to go to drug tests even though there was no drug involved every three months and have a parole officer just for that arizona is one of the most police days the first day we got to arizona we walk into a shopping you guys have driven through there i think yeah i've skated

in chandler a lot of times there's a big skate park yeah yeah sweet um which is just outside of phoenix and it's known it's new you've probably been camel racing or whatever it's known for there I've skated in Chandler a lot of times. There's a big skate park there. Chandler, Arizona? Yeah. Yeah, sweet. Which is just outside of Phoenix. You've probably been camel racing or whatever it's known for there. Yeah, I have. Yeah, I rode a kangaroo and a dingo. What would be a better tag for an Australian? Because to be fair, that's probably the best of the animals. Except you can't really get away with it.

No, it wasn't me, mate. Hang on a minute. Did I do that joke just before? Anyway. No. Yeah, another good tag for an Aussie. Cobber. Cobber.

C-O with an A. I've had that. I've had that. I've had Cobber where I was living in the Netherlands the first time I was like 18 and I was there going to buy cigarettes and then this guy just comes in, in a dry as a bone, right,

just dry as a bone and a Cobra and just went, what's up, Cobra? So was he from New York also? Is this Crocodile Dundee in New York? But it was just weird. He just didn't, you know, he thought, you know,

he didn't know I was Australian, but like I was like, so you were just going around Europe just doing that the whole time. Yeah, that's weird. It's just weird. He just didn't, you know, he thought, you know, he didn't know I was Australian. But, like, I was like, so you were just going around Europe just doing that the whole time. Yeah. That's weird. That's weird. Yeah. Yeah.

So back to Arizona, Chandler, Arizona. Yeah. And so I forget exactly what I was talking about before, but that's okay. When you were, what was I saying? In Arizona, they've got strict rules. Crazy strict rules. Now, if you get caught drink driving

30 days prison in Tent City What? What, what, what? 30 days in prison for drink driving DUI 30 days So without anything What if you get caught cutting off a cop car in traffic

Because you're a big fuckhead Yeah, you get deported How big do you need to be? You get sent to Williamstown. Yeah. This is slightly from before. It's like, okay, I tell the story of the first time I had pills. It's a pretty crazy story.

Is it all right if I do that now? Sure. Yeah, so 16. I was living in Arizona at the time and some friends. We lived in this huge apartment complex. Probably, I think, 6,000 or 7,000 people lived in this apartment complex. It was massive. What? Are you sure it wasn't prison? Was it jail? We all had to wear the same

exact thing, right? There were a lot of men making love to you. Yeah, I used to get smashed in the arse all the time. Oh, mum! Were you getting these pills out of people's arses? It was no Melrose Place, that's for sure. Sucking it out with a big didgeridoo. I never knew that's exactly where you lived

because I loved Arizona. Like all those desert bits of America that we drove through were awesome. I'd love to live in that. Yeah, that's why I loved it. Very Breaking Bad-esque. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, especially with your stories. With us, it was more like Roadrunner to me,

but yours was, I think any town you go to is more Breaking Bad for you. We used to shoot handguns at cactuses, which is apparently a $100,000 fine because they're under nature reserve. Oh, right. If they fell on you, you'd die. They'd kill you straight away. They're so heavy, they're full of water.

Right. Actually, you know what? Let's quickly... I'll use this to plug that I'll put this up this week. Okay. We've got video of us scaling a fence on the highway just so we could have a look at a cactus. what let's let's quickly i'll i'll use this to plug that i'll put this up this week okay we've got video of us scaling a fence on the highway just so we could have a look at a cactus in arizona and nearly getting arrested by some kind of border patrol guy going you're not allowed to

be on this land it's like sacred land one of your mates mate yeah um yeah and i'm i'm filming it the whole i've got the camera around my neck filming it and uh it's it's pretty good footage because we get we get really told off. So I just sizzle that out. That ties in. We'll put that up this week. Why are you climbing a fence to see a cactus? Surely you just drive a little bit further and there'll be another one.

No, there wasn't really. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like we were just busting to see them the whole time. And then it was like, there's one. Pull the car over. And like shape like, you know, the three. Yeah, absolutely. Cartoon cactus.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cartoon cactus. Like they are. Yeah. know, the three. Yeah, absolutely. Cartoon cactus. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cartoon cactus. Like they are. Yeah. Like in the cactus. And even better than that, just near there on the side of a cliff face, there was like a painting that made it look like it was a tunnel through. Did you guys stop off at the Acme factory?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We nearly got there until we had an accident. We turned into like accordions. I have to say, we were making really bad time, but as soon as you had the idea to put that dynamite on our roller skates, we got to Vegas in like 30 minutes. It was great. Just before the accident, you just pulled up a sign.

Oh, no. I had my tag on it. Dingo. I painted a white stripe on a cat and I tried to rape her. Is that everything from Warner Brothers? I think we're done. I think we're done. So, back to Arizona.

Yeah, so we're in this big apartment complex. I can't remember how many people. Heaps and heaps of people in there. They're called inmates anyway. Yeah. Keep going. And so me and some of my friends, kind of my age, a couple of guys a bit bit older maybe 22, 23

like the older brothers they got the pills for us and we had pills and we're like just kind of kicking in like I don't know if you guys have had them before I know Lomas has

but thanks for being on the record have you ever tried it before no sir I've never I don't even know had sexual relations with that woman

yeah I don't know I've played sport before I've played I've played a lot of sport that's what it's like alright I'm there I'm there

oh my god have you have you ever done what drugs have you done I do we need to yeah I know this is what I was like

is it you can't you can't get in okay alright that's fair enough it's not about that. I'm in the shallow pool.

Let's say that. I've been there before. K-hole, right? No? Yeah, you're in the shallow pool, passed out, because you've been on the bloody shards all night. With five pills up your ass. Yeah, yeah.

You've been in the shallow pool. The shallow pool of your own vomit. To be fair, I was in the shallow pool thinking it was the Atlantic Ocean. pool of your own vomit to be fair i was in the shallow pool thinking it was the atlantic ocean um anyway so so we started having this building kicking in so it's like a really euphoric feeling if you haven't had them before and so we're like and they had no i haven't thanks yes yeah i might bail out of this as well yeah i also have not experienced this and we were watching this uh the fish tank and it was really intense and and so we decided to go for a swim right. And one of the guys that got us one of the pills,

his roommate who lived in the same apartment complex as us was part of the Aryan army on the west coast. So the skinheads. Right. And his brother was the leader of the Aryan army in the skinheads, right? And so we're walking up to the pool and um i think his name was josh josh was the leader of the aryan army and smart smart work naming him keep going um

he was in prison for a very very very long time okay cool that's where we met but um he was eating a burrito yeah yeah yeah one of the better name drops on this show he would not be eating a burrito and so we start walking up there right and everyone's like just like munted out just fully euphoric and one of the girls we were with she was a mexican she was really drunk and this car pulled up and it was josh and the brother and and the other aryan army guys in there and she's mexican the girl walks up to the window and was all drunk in the window and the leader there he was like fuck off you fucking beaner bitch like this and just so happened that because it was

kind of a sketchy apartment complex um it's a gangster dude like a like a african-american guy was over there overheard him being racist to her and so he gets out of the car and the guy runs up and tries to tackle the black guy tries to tackle josh the leader of aryan army to the ground and just gets in a headlock and he starts just bashing him in the head and he's and he runs off and tries to tackle the black guy tries to tackle josh the leader of arian army to the ground and just gets in a headlock and he starts just bashing him in the head and he's and he runs off and this is my first pill experience i'm just like oh you're watching all that i'm watching this on bills just going oh how good was it when we're looking at the fish tank oh just like a freaking out so the black guy gets out scurries out and runs off and all i remember

was in slow-mo that josh going to one of the other guys in the car get my gun and throws the keys to him to his apartment and they run off and then the black guys goes get his gangsta friends and there's a fucking standoff in this apartment complex with them all holding guns at each other like with racial racial slurs and shit and I'm in the house like one of the apartments that was right out the front of it and they're like get those other motherfuckers out here

the black guys are saying this and I'm literally in a cupboard looking at the fish tank in front of my eye and all I could do was go I'm from Australia I don't know what to do I'm from Australia

start rubbing out dingo everyone that's part of the own game dingo's turned into a baby and anyway it kind of diffused itself out and everything like that but I just remember

that was like and I took heaps more pills after that I was going to say that is crazy that that's your first drug experience and you still came back

from the war I like the idea that maybe none of that happened and when you picked up the pill in the morning like a spare pill it was just like a black guy fighting a white guy

going oh that's one of those ones oh karate kid oh I've got a blood sport oh great what you mean like the green mitzis

they've also got the white supremacists yeah mate they will get you I'm feeling a bit of racial tension tonight

yeah what if I have a white and a black one are we all good only one way to find out Michael Jackson that is no no one are you on pills now Yeah, what if I have a white and a black one? Are we all good? Only one way to find out. Michael Jackson.

That is... No, no one. Are you on pills now? Yeah, I wish. That is spectacular stuff. Yeah, so that was the first experience. But imagine I wasn't on pills, how much more hectic it would have been. Yeah.

I don't know if it could have been. I don't think it would have altered that either way. But I was in heaps of situations with like, at least three or four situations where guns were involved. Because it's... See, I just cannot, I just don't know what that would be like. It's just how it is. Because I was 16, 17 and I was a skater.

So I wasn't just hanging out at a sports club, you know. You're hanging out... But how do you go from ollies to guns? Well, it's not us. There's a culture, there's such a culture of it there, you know what I mean? And then everyone listens to hip- hop music And so they sort of Like they do here you know The difference is

There aren't guns around But it's the same mentality Yeah guns don't get mentioned In Aussie hip hop Just like barbecues and bongs Yeah yeah And summer days mate Yeah you're right

The weather does feature Very prominently in Aussie hip hop Doesn't really get a Doesn't really get a look in In American hip hop so much No it doesn't Yeah You know when you're

Hanging with the mates. It's like them writing it right here and going, you know, where's our guns? Oh, okay, what else is? Oh, look at that out there. It's a bloody beautiful day, isn't it? 32 and fine. You know when you're struggling, you can't really hear the dolphin? MC 32 and fine.

DJ Lavinia backing it up. I'm hanging out here Looking at 32 and fine Hanging with my bud Lomas and his white wine MC Chando's in the house MC Natural High Get Natural High off your own supply Kicks on the goal Well guys I think that might be it

For the Little Dumb Dumb Club this week What have you guys got coming up? I've just got stand up around Melbourne And I'm actually starting my own podcast Coming up on The very start of February Called Wisdom Laughter And it's essentially about

Kind of the stuff I was talking about then Conveniently So it's essentially about kind of the stuff I was talking about then, conveniently. So it's about sort of crazy stories that me and my guests have been through and we sort of just look at that stuff. And I guess wisdom laughter in the Buddhist philosophy is stuff you couldn't laugh about by yourself you can laugh about with others. So that's what it's about. So just hectic stories and how we get over that shit.

Cool. So leave a clean point for me to edit that out. I'm kidding. I'm totally kidding a clean point for me to edit that out I'm kidding I'm totally kidding I'm not going to do that yeah look for that on iTunes

and we'll plug it through our page and stuff Ben neither of you are doing festival shows no

no no I'm just running workshops on how to do themed festival shows everyone keep Ben

in your prayers to God on Wednesday night I'll be riffing. You'll be fucking fine. St. Vincent's on the ward. No, I'll be recovering.

You'll be absolutely fine, mate. It's a standard procedure. Thanks, mate. I'm just looking at your T-shirt and still worried. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just going to rock up. Put the amulet on him. Give it to him for his...

I can't because you have to pick what specific thing will help you at that time because you can change what... You put stuff in it and that's your medicine for the time. Boy Chandler, it's almost as if you have no knowledge of someone else's culture. How much do you know about the Choctaw Nation? This is a fucking joke. Did you say Choctaw Nation?

Choctaw Nation. Is it? I am 116th, alright? So just give me a break Yeah I'm surprised When the two gangs Weren't going head to head You didn't put your feathers on And smoke a peace puff

I hope you die I'll be doing a Fucking die can't dance Is that a direct Booty quote It is yeah So as the great Poodle said, I hope you die, cunt. Namaste.

Oh, man. Well, look, Woodbury and Lomas, you both pop up at Five Burrows Comedy. There's a nice little place for my comedy room on a Thursday night in Melbourne. Lots of, you know, I've been hit up by a lot of interstate friends of the show lately that want to know where to go when they come to town. So, yeah, we're every Thursday night. There's spleen on Monday night. Lots of, you know, I've been hit up by a lot of interstate friends of the show lately that want to know where to go when they come to town. So, yeah, we're every Thursday night. There's spleen on Monday night.

So, you guys are always popping up there. So, that's that. Festival's coming up for us. Yep. We've got the Brisbane Comedy Festival live show on Saturday, the 8th of March at 4pm at the Southside Tea Room. We've also got... I'm going to do...

You're up there for doing your show. Immediately after 4pm, the Southside Tea Room. We've also got... I'm going to do... You're up there for doing your show. Immediately after 4pm, our podcast show, I'm going to be rolling it into the first ever performance of my new show for this year, which is Carl Chandler's Got Talent. So if you want to hang around, I'm going to put that up on the website. Greatly discounted tickets for sale.

So you can see me. You can see the show in the worst shape it'll ever be. Excellent. I've got, yeah, my show is on all week at the Brisbane Powerhouse, tommydassler.com, to details. It's on a few tickets already. It's really nice.

People have been letting me know that they're purchasing. So come down, that's going to be great. We've also got our shows, our live podcasts on sale for the Melbourne Comedy Festival, Saturdays at Five Burrows. Sundays. Sundays?

Sundays. Sundays at four, no, what time? Jesus Christ. 4 p.rows. Sundays. Sundays? Sundays. Sundays at four... No, what time? Jesus Christ. 4pm, isn't it? Yes. Or 5pm. Go on the website. 5pm. 5pm. Anyway, check the website. You're paid for a website. You can just fucking check it, alright?

Thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you later. Dingo out.