The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 176 - Dave Thornton & Dilruk Jayasinha

Episode Date: February 19, 2014

Rudely Interrupted, Parting The Bush and Quitting Comedy.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Brisbane, Melbourne and Sydney, we've got live shows coming up for you guys across March, April and May. Live podcasts, our own stand-up shows. Get on to littledumbdumbclub.com and go to the adventure page to find out when we are coming for you. Please come down and see us and we'd love to meet you guys and show your support for the podcast. That'd be really great. We're really looking forward to getting out there and doing these shows. Also, a quick plug for something else I'm doing. I have started a podcast with my friend Sam where he teaches me about sports

because I know nothing about sports. So if you've gone through all these Dumb Dumb episodes, you're looking for a little extra, check that out. It's called YouBeauty. It's on iTunes or at youbeauty.podbean.com. So check that out. Go to Little Dumb Dumb Club, get a ticket for one of these shows, and we'll see you there, mates.

Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. My name is Tommy Dasolo. Thank you very much for joining us, sitting next to me. As always, the other half of the show, Carl Taylor. G'day, dickhead. I got bored, sorry. I totally just noticed there's a giant

fridge behind you. That's weird. Hey, we should talk about this quickly. We talked a couple of weeks ago about the bedding supplies that we got sent. Oh yeah, I've got to come and get mine from your place. Oh yeah, that's right. I've still got your stuff. We got a thank you back from Cara Eason, who sent them to us. Great.

She played the episode to her bosses. And I quote, they were very happy and grateful for the plug, although a little bit confused about exactly what we are and what was meant to be going on. But not so confused when the hundreds of new punters walked in their door saying, give me everything you got. I want 17 pillows. I want under sheets.

I want bloody throw blankets. And you know they're from us because they've got little earbuds in their ears when they walk in. They're hot off the podcast. Hashtag pillows. Looking up Twitter, seeing what's happened, where their money's gone. What do you think's going on on the pillows hashtag if we check it right now? Because I know you're fascinated when people make up a hashtag.

People will go, this gig's really great. Hashtag get down here. And then you check and see what else is going on. Who's finding that tweet? Because that's the purpose of a hashtag is to unify it and anyone else who's scanning through. And all you've done is hook up with someone who in 2011 had a birthday party and no one had showed up yet. It's like, hashtag get down here. Hashtag get down here.

Should we bring in our guests? Sure. We've got a little thing. First of all, joining us back on the show, he made his debut not too long ago. You may have seen him on Live on Bowen. Please welcome back into the little dum-dum club, Dilruk J. Singer. Yeah. He made it.

You made it back. And people said I couldn't be back here after that last time. Not many people get a second turn. Actually, most people get a second turn. A lot of white supremacists ask not for you to be here. Please, let's not go back down there again. Wouldn't that be a depressing way of finding out your base? You have someone on of colour and then you notice your numbers dive down by 2,000 for that episode.

Hashtag don't get down here. And also joining us, good old mate of the show from Fox FM Breakfast, please welcome back into the little dum-dum club, Dave Thornton. Yes. Speaking of white supremacists, here he is. Formerly of Channel 31 as well. Yeah, I was just thinking. Because we all worked together on Studio A,

which was the up-and-coming talent TV show of our day back in the day. It wasn't pitched to us in such a sarcastic voice when we signed on. That was my old-timey voice. Like, was it John Michaelhausen? Like you were just doing a Hollywood report. Yeah, come in here, my lovelies, and flourish. But you are on the modern day. Also a little bit of Shane Bourne in there as well.

Oh, fantastic. Ha-ha, get Get down here Hashtag Pillows City hashtag So you're on the modern day Studio A You were part of the When Studio A finished and then got replaced By whatever the fuck you're on now

The word turncoat gets thrown around way too liberally these days I don't know what that turncoat means. Does it mean I've betrayed my friends? You've kind of crossed the picket line a little bit. Massive scab. When I said yes to it, I didn't know any of you guys. No, that's not true. But I heard there was a fair bit of controversy in the changeover.

But look, I am now rolling in my big bucks and I don't really feel guilty at all. We know, mate. We've been there. That was us years ago and in a couple of years' time, you could be doing a free podcast just like this, mate. So just keep going. Well, Dil, if you want to know, there were rough times we were on there. That was Analog then before it went digital.

We were there for the crossover, if you remember that. Yeah. And this is when these guys did a podcast out of RMIT. I don't know if they got the inside track. Yeah, yeah. And they didn't used to give you that kind of, you know, that little mic testing that Dassolo just handed over beforehand where he just said, bring the mic up. It used to just be like, I don't care what you do with it, shove it up your ass.

They did not care, Liam. Look out, episode four. That was a pretty cool year. Printed out and stuck up on the wall, I believe, with a nice diagram of a microphone going into a human ass, just for those that don't speak English that come on our show. It was pretty impressive, Dazza. I knew you'd do it. Thank you.

I'm a good drawer. We briefly spoke about this the last time, about how I saw you guys go into the first ever recording of Dumb Dumb with Nick Cody. Because I had just finished up my CineFM recording, and I actually had never met Tommy before, and I was talking to Carl and Cody. And I can't remember what even the reference was,

but the gay and lesbian show was straight on after me and I think I said like a flippant homophobic joke and both Carl and just you know the good kind you little cheeky homophobe die faggot you little whackers

John Blackman's back I can't even remember it was barely offensive Oh, John Blackman's back. Nothing, nothing. I can't even remember. It was barely offensive. Like, it was really nothing. But both you and Cody go, oh, don't say it in front of Tommy. That's just wrong. And I walked away going, I can't believe I offended that gay comedian.

Yeah, well, hasn't that come back to bite you? Yeah. Yeah. Just quickly, speaking of Studio A, I sold, i went to a market on the weekend i had a stall with a few friends we all went in and uh i had this big box of dvds uh because my parents have just moved house and they went please get rid of this shit of yours that's just been in our house so i i just took this big box of dvds to the market to sell without even looking at what was in there but it's just all it's very much movie tastes of a certain era there's a bit of little nicky uh adam sandler film a few box sets of futurama and stuff like that

because i hadn't looked through it all there was just like a bunch of loose shit in the box as well so someone was like looking through and then he turns to me and he goes hey uh what's this and i look and it's a silver burnt dvd studio a episode one tommy dasolo doing stand-up. And I'm like, oh. He's like, is this one two bucks as well, like all the rest of them? And I was like, nah, nah, nah. And then I thought I should have, if I could have managed to sell a DVD copy of a Channel 31 show for two

bucks, I mean, that would have been... That's the first money you would have got from Channel 31. The first money Channel 31 would have got. That would have sent our Studio A budget through the roof by 200%. I think that was for Silly. He was just trying to buy it for one of the eps he couldn't do. Were you the first one who did stand up on? Yeah, I think I was the first episode.

How did you get that? Well, being a lesbian comedian, a little gay comedian. Yeah, you guys always get looked after, don't you? But yeah, so I've found the foot. I've been meaning to go back and watch the episode, but it's also, you know, I have a very fond nostalgia for that period. It was a lot of fun when we all used to do that 31 show together, but also, you know, sometimes looking back can be a big mistake.

Well, also, have we told this yet on the podcast? Surely the Ballard story's been told. Oh, have we? Have we told the story about Tom Ballard being on the show? Maybe not. I have seen the footage. Yeah, because it's... Yeah, you recently found it.

Well, what happened is Tommy told me the story and I just... Because they're archiving all the old footage onto digital from the videotapes. And I told this guy, there's a certain thing that happens when Tom Ballard does stand up. Let me know as soon as you come across it. And five months later, sure enough...

Five months later, this enough, five months later this guy's going through it like Russell Crowe in A Beautiful Mind. Yeah. Well, because we've talked about the two big moments from that show were when Nick Cody blacked up on camera for a joke, which did not, the actual joke didn't get caught on camera.

So it was just a guy out of context blacking up. And he had acrylic black paint on his face for like two hours. And a big afro. Yeah, and he had – so he blacked out, had the afro, then had a sign that was like an ironic sort of sign that alluded to the joke because it was a topical joke. And then the camera just closed in on his black face

with none of the context at all. So it's just like, oh, we've just got someone that's blacked up in the audience tonight. Oh, this is going to be a good show. You know the thing of 31, I always said, it always has the ability to, when you're changing the channels, you know, you can just kind of read every other commercial channel. You know, it's like, oh, it's reality TV about, you know, renovating.

The next one's about dancing. ABC's got four corners. And then it's just like, the minstrel hour? What the fuck is happening here? You know, that's the strange thing about Channel 31 because it's a community TV for people that aren't in Melbourne or Australia. Or public access for our overseas listeners. Do you want me to give a Sri Lankan translation?

Yeah, what is it? Thanks for asking, though. Nah, we don't have TV. People without TV. I feel bad. You just put a chicken in a box and put a hole in it. Okay. He's not fucking Fred Flintstone. Nah, we don't have TV. People without TV. Oh, you feel bad? Yeah, you just put a chicken in a box and put a hole in it. Okay. Jesus Christ.

He's not fucking Fred Flintstone. That's the ad for KFC in Chicago. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Will Ma! No, well, Dil, Mr. Homophobia, you threw the first stone, mate. Okay? Don't sit here. You opened up the bag.

Yeah, I set that up wrong. But there are people like my girlfriend's parents don't stray too far from channel 31 at any time really

which is what do you mean like they have the TV set on channel 31 oh they love it yeah oh wow

they don't change the channel which to me is like like how weird is that for an on purpose decision to go you know what all those millions of dollars and you know trained professionals that are going through commercial stations,

you know what, I want stuff that appeals to 0.5 of the population and he's done badly on top of that. Well, not even the money that goes into the industry, just that couple of thousand you've spent on the TV. Like, you don't need a TV. Just go out into the street and watch some wacko yelling at a bin and you'll get roughly the same thing that you get on 31. Mate, that was our sketch.

You know that. Okay. That was one of the fan favourites for the first time. If you're welding, and you were trying to sell it on the weekend on F1. If you're welding the channel into Channel 31 as well, if you're just watching all the way through, how are you, like a night's viewing is sort of like, okay, well, here's Bulgarian gardening and now it's underwater pregnancy and now it's, you know,

what if you take a shit in a volcano for an hour? Very abrupt turns happening on the programming schedule on 31. I'm going to be honest. I genuinely have never seen Channel 31. Like, I've seen it on YouTube. I've seen the, like, you know, clips of the show on YouTube. In better quality, I imagine. Yeah, but I, yeah. Like, know clips of the show on YouTube but I in better quality I imagine yeah but I

yeah like do they have ads and stuff jeez look at this guy I'm on it no no no it's just my TV didn't pick it up the TV I had

just never picked it up so I had no clue and you just knee deep in bitches you don't have time for that kind of stuff I get it yeah all the money

you're earning from Channel 31 you can't go and buy better reception so Ballard Tom Ballard was on early days. I hope we haven't told this story before. I think it's a good enough story.

It bears repeating. In the first, what, maybe the first handful of episodes, pretty early days, he came on and did stand-up. And earlier that episode, one of the guests had been a band called Rudely Interrupted, who are a band of men who all disabled now yes they're able to all have like you know social kind of difficulties you know they've got asperger's and autism and syndrome so they so it was their manager and then i think the lead singer who has

he has autism yeah well he's blind he has severe autism and he has perfect pitch right so he's the singer in the band as well. So they've been interviewed. They're still on the couch. Ballard comes out at the end of the episode. Dave's the host. So it's sort of like a 31 version for people who never saw it of like a tonight show. So they were the guests earlier on. Ballard comes out at the end to do stand-up and Ballard at this point had a bit where

he would come out and go I'm gay, I'm a poof and he would go through all these terms and then he would, the punchline of the bit was... Some of my best work. Yeah. Just using terms out of your diary for people you've seen in the street. Yeah, but it would go on and on because that was the point of the joke, wasn't it?

I'm gay, I'm a poof, I'm a faggotron, I'm a, you know, all, you know, like about 12, 14 sort of expressions. And then he gets to the end and goes, but I don't want to label myself. Yeah. That's the end of the joke. But anyway, he starts up and because it's 31, equipment is shit and everything's gone to hell. Within 10 seconds of the bit, his mic has stopped working.

I think this is the twist where it was always when something goes wrong in 31, not everything goes wrong. Something goes right and that's the wrong time for that to go wrong. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So his mic's off on screen. You can't hear anything he's saying. You can just see his lips moving. You're just seeing him from head to about knee

and that's about it. Yeah, and so you see him start off going, I'm gay, I'm a poof, I'm a faggotron, and then a bit of silence and then from off camera you hear the lead singer of Rudely Interrupted. Still mic'd up. Still mic'd up. Mic still turned on. Clear as day.

Just yell out, queer. He's just helping out. He's just trying to, he thinks it's a game where we all just chuck our own ones in. Whose line is it anyway? Yeah. Yeah. But it made it look like we'd done the editorial. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like voiceover.

Like director's commentary. Yeah, we're like, nah, we get it, mate. You're a queer. Like we've just edited. We, yeah, yeah. Like director's commentary. Yeah, we're like, no, we get it, mate. You're a queer. Yeah, yeah. Like we've just edited it. We'll make it concise. Well, if I'm not mistaken, to fix the sound issue,

because Tommy's mic was not working, one of the sound guys popped in. An old man. So then he was, there was no voiceover except for someone yelling queer in the background

and you see him silent and continue on and then all of a sudden you see just like Dickie Nee, like a sexual, like a sexual Dickie Nee. An old Dickie Nee. Long grey hair.

Old grey head pops up at groin height and just wobbles around his groin. He starts fidgeting around his belt buckle, fixing the mic pack. Yeah, he starts grabbing on him. But of course at home you can't see that he's fixing anything. You're just seeing a guy go down on Tom Ballard on national TV. After he'd done all that, literally the guy's, yeah, like Dickie Neal. Sexual Dickie Neal.

Right where he's crutching. Part of the act. That's how he performs all the time. This was what I was going to do, but I'm not skilled enough a performer. I was going to try and say like Mr. Summers, Mr. Summers, but make it sound like my mouth was full and I couldn't get the words out. So just everyone now pause for a moment and have a minute of reflection to just think about how great that would have been if I could have done that.

Maybe when you get home, fix that in post. Have a real good crack at it at home. Okay, sure. I'll get the guy from Rudely Interrupted to do it for me and I'll drop it in. Dil was asking something just before you went to the bathroom to prepare for this podcast. Dil asked a question maybe I think you'd be interested in. He genuinely asked a question.

How much do you think it would cost for someone to come up and say, here's this much money, can you please, if you will stop doing stand-up? Which said to me, Dil's been recently asked this question. Oh, so you mean,

so this is like a... Hypothetically. For all of us. If someone came up and said to you, to not do stand-up again... Blank check. Blank check. Is that what it is, blank check? No, well, how much? How much? Not even writing. That's it, for the rest to you, to not do stand-up again. Blank check. Blank check. Is that what it is?

Blank check. Well, how much? How much? Not even writing. That's it for the rest of your life. No more stand-up. Oh, but I get to dictate the amount. No, you don't get to because otherwise you'll say infinity dollars.

It's a... What's the minimum amount you'll accept? What's the minimum amount I accept to never do stand-up again? Ever. Well... And guys at home, we can turn this into a telethon if you want to chuck in money for next week. Dig deep, guys, so no more people have to suffer. Okay, so let me think.

And if we have to send you out episode one of Studio A to give you more evidence as to why to put in more money. Oh, God. Let me think. Okay, so is it just I can't do stand-up? I can still do the podcast. Yep. No, I was thinking just putting out all do stand-up? I can still do the podcast? Yep. No, I was thinking just pulling out all kind of comedy.

I'm out of comedy. I'm out of the industry altogether. Well, were you really in it? Thank you. Jesus, mate. Comedy Festival show from the 8th of April to the 20th. Such homophobia, please. Queer.

Wow. It's just fun having a license to say it, isn't it? It's in context, so it's okay Yeah, what would it take? That's really interesting Because, I mean, the main thing that's keeping me in stand-up at this point To be honest, is the fact that I mean, apart from comedy-related things My resume is just barren

So I've got no other options I can't easily go back into anything else. You have gone straight from like grade six into stand-up, haven't you? Pretty much, yeah. Ah, to never do it again. Wow. Because I guess that's a thing to take into account. You have to start a new life.

You probably have to move away from Melbourne. I would. Yeah, I definitely would. It's like a heroin addict in St Kilda going, well, I better move away from St Kilda. I'll be tempted. Yeah. So you'll have to move to, I don't know, New Zealand? Oh, I don't know.

Shout out to New Zealand comedians listening to this podcast. There's one club there. Yeah, in New Zealand. It's easier to stay away from. Plus a lot of earthquakes, so maybe I'll... Hopefully you'll die before the money runs out. Yeah. Okay, New Zealand.

So now you can bring down the money a bit. 50 bucks and the flight to New Zealand Would you do it for 25 though? Oh, look If you're offering right now If it's 25 on the table right now, sure How much? How much do you think? How much? Oh, man

Okay, let's start an amount I want everyone to I think we should all answer this Let's keep it quite round, say for now We'll just shoot in the dark So a million bucks A million bucks A million bucks

Just for a million bucks A million bucks and I have to Can I do any kind of like I can't, can I You're getting a million bucks. A million bucks. A million bucks. Just a million bucks. A million bucks and I have to – can I do any kind of like – I can't – You're getting a million bucks. What are you quibbling? I just don't know what else I'm going to do, Carl. I just love all you guys so much. Well, the idea is that you don't get to like be funny.

The thing that drives you to do is comedy. You don't get to do that anymore. So I can take that money and I can like – Whatever the fuck you want with it. I can learn an instrument and I can maybe like start a band. So I get like – you know, because there's a few more. No comedy songs though. No comedy songs, no.

That's what most people do when they win the lottery. Oh, now I can buy a bass guitar. Go on the road, finally. This is like your make-a-wish all over again. Just really shit gifts. But when you win the lottery, they don't go, but here's your check. And also you've got to go quit.

You have to quit your job now as well. Sometimes they do. Yeah, okay, a mil. I'd do it for a mil. Sure. A million dollars. Would you do it for half a mil? Half a mil, yeah.

I reckon I would. Yeah. I reckon you would too. Half a mil. Half a mil. Sure. Would you do it for $250,000? $250,000.

Yeah. Huh. I probably would, yeah. I probably would. Is there going to be a figure that you would say no to? Are we going to get to a point? Oh look, $250,000 I reckon That'd be it, yeah

$220,000 Oh, okay Okay, yeah See, this is my favourite game with hypotheticals People go, I'll suck a dick for a million dollars And you go, what about $50,000? about 50 and they go done i've ever told this i have a friend who uh is really bad at playing hypotheticals and my favorite one he's ever done was he he gets too caught up in one part of the scenario so he'll go okay you walk in on your sister and she's getting fucked by your dad

and one of your best friends but he's a guy that you know from school and then he'd just describe all the awful sexual shit that they're doing and then just stop speaking and you go, so what, do I want that to happen? No. Is that like,

he just gets too caught up in one side, he never gives you the other side of it. Yeah, $220 I'd do. So, if we gave you a million dollars,

I'm going to combine them now, if I give you a million dollars, will you fuck your sister? Well. And you can't turn it into a comedy bit. Yeah, you have to do it serious. Finally, something to build a festival show around. Such a great narrative. Tommy Dasolo in My Sister's Keeper.

Tommy Dasolo in Keep It In The Family. Sister act like a whore Sister sex act There it is Sold Well you've posed an interesting one A million bucks to have sex with my sister I just got weird because someone that none of us That I don't know has walked into the room

Because I So I'm as far as I know I'm an only child my sister, I just got weird because someone that none of us that I don't know has walked into the room. Because I so I'm, as far as I know, I'm an only child. So what you're saying is Just so we all know at home, usually we do it from either my house or your house. So a stranger hasn't walked into our house that you've described just then. Oh and also at the start when I was surprised that there was a fridge in the room.

I presumably was doing that at my house. That's not your hypothetical sister who's just turned up. So am I getting fucked or am I not? What's going on here? Someone heard money got discussed for fucking Dazzler's sister and gone, oh, I might just check to see what's going on in this room. That's Daddy Warbucks and he's bought his checkbook. Sexual Daddy Warbucks.

Daddy Warfucks. So, a bit in your scenario because as far as I know, I'm an only child. So I'm having sex with a sister who presumably I've just met. i mean i don't really have any kind of you know feelings of having grown up with this person they may as well be a stranger so yes i would have sex with a genetic sister who i've just met for one million dollars what about your cousin no okay i don't know where you thought that was gonna go yeah yeah like I've seen your cousin. Yeah. Just saying. Yeah.

Just saying, if you give it to us, the million bucks, it could be a different outcome. Oh, would you? So what? I pay you a million dollars to have sex with your cousin. Didn't you live with your cousin at one point? Yeah, I did. Did you fuck her?

Oh, Jesus. Deal. We're trying to keep this nice until then. I don't know how you do things back home, mate, but it's a different ballgame over here. I don't know what you get things back home, mate, but it's a different ballgame over here. I don't know what you get away with on Channel 31 these days. Okay, so we worked that out. We got to the bottom of that.

So you would quit comedy? I quit comedy is what I'm... Is that the end of that? For $225,000. Is that it? Call in now. Honestly, $220,000. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, $220,000. I'll do it for $220,000. $210,000. $210,000. $210,000. Yeah, yeah. $220,000. I'll do it for $220,000. $210,000. $210,000. Oh. This is the worst. $210,000. Yeah.

Because you go... And you don't even have to do anything. You just have to not do something. That is it. I'm enjoying this, but I wonder if people at home are having any interest in listening to this at all. People love auctions. See the people that turn up to auctions on the weekend?

It's exactly the same thing. Hot property. I don't know how you edit this, but I'm just assuming there's going to be a harp. And then we'll find you going, yes, $35.35. $35 and a Mikey card. Yes, $35 and a Mikey. Because this is the thing. I'll do it for $20 cash.

Because I go $2.20, that'd have to be it. But then also you say $2.10, and that's still a lot of money. It's a lot of money. For sure. Well, okay, Dil, that'd have to be it. But then also you say $210,000 and that's still a lot of money. It's a lot of money. For sure. Well, okay, Dil, you're still relatively new. I mean, you still work your day job. So you could transition back pretty easily. No, yeah, because I've got skills.

But mad accounting skills. No, I reckon this is – I think it's because I'm new to comedy and I'm in this puppy dog rainbow kind of world of comedy. I don't think at this point for me. Puppy dog rainbow, what gives that? Who books that? I'm just really happy about everything. Opening up Charlie Norton.

Yeah, okay, sweet. Yeah, for me at the moment, I don't, I mean, I'm sure there's an upper limit, but I wouldn't do it for a million. Really? Not for a million dollars? If you give me a million dollars now, I'd say no. You would not. Very big of you.

Man, I was doing an accounting job. I would still do it three days a week that I hated, that would have led to a million dollars. You could be a million dollars now, I'd say no. You would not. Very big of you. Man, I was doing an accounting job. I would still do it three days a week that I hated, that would have led to a million dollars. That you were in business a lot of and you still want to do this. Yeah, exactly. It's really a million dollars, no way. I would not do it for a million dollars. No way.

You wouldn't consider a million dollars? Zero chance. You could do whatever you want with a million dollars. No, but a million bucks, right? And then you could pay for a comic and you can just feed it into his ear. Like he would do your material you're just not on stage.

Oh, I think that'd be awful. So you still get to be creative. Yeah, that's a bit different. But I don't know. What about this? What about this? A million bucks plus you immediately

get a job doing comedy festival reviews for the Herald Sun. So you get to fucking take down everyone that you used to work with. If you can't do it, no one can. I don't know.

You know why? Because I'm so arrogant to think that I will one day make a million from comedy anyway. That's where my brain's at. Okay. So you're saying that Daslow's thinking he was never going to make 210 grand. I mean. From a. Did you see his show last year?

Oh, Jesus. Sorry. Homophobe. Showboat. Showboat. Let me year? Oh, Jesus. Sorry. Home of boat. Show boat. Let me ask you this, Carl. If you were to do this, if you were to take Amelia to walk away, would you kind of just have a last gig, have a date set,

and then kind of walk away? Would you walk away gracefully? Or what I would do, I'd burn some bridges. I'd take my time. I'd go down. If I can't ever come back again, I want to make it worth my while. I'm calling up everyone. I'm sending emails.

I'm throwing out some tweets in the draft folder. Set up your own room and do a roast every week of someone in the comedy industry. While you're in a bathtub of that million bucks. Yeah. Just throwing it up. And you know who else has a cunt? Just throwing it in the air. Just smoking it as well.

See, now that we put it like this, it actually sounds like fun. It sounds like I do it for free. I'm going to do it tomorrow. I'm quitting. I'm out. Oh, God. This is like the Simpsons episode with Stampy the elephant. We've just all talked ourselves into it.

Now we have to get the million bucks. Oh, God. The kid wants the million. Some weird group suicide pact that we've made. Now we just to get the million bucks. Oh, God, the kid wants the million. Some weird group suicide pact that we've made. Now we just need a sponsor. And that's the end of that. It's nice when there's a clean break. Oh, you know, one thing I did want to ask Tommy Dasolo.

Sochi Games are on at the moment, the Winter Olympics, and there's a kid who's the grandson of Mr. Vegemite. Yeah. And I'm like, whoa, someone's stealing a little bit of Dassault. Yeah, no, his name is Callister. He is the grand wizard. Huh? Grand wizard. And he had the Vegemite on his face as well.

Yeah, what the Callister? Callister, yeah. So Callister was like the scientist dude who made it, who made the actual spread, who developed it. And my great-grandpa's the guy who ran the company. Isn't it better for a chef to invent a food rather than a scientist? You'd think. That's so true.

So you're not related? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just whacked some shit in this beaker and here we are. Sorry, Dil? So you're not related to this guy? I'm not related to Callister, no. Because I told you I met him at a gig. We did a thing for Vegemite together and he was a bit of a prick.

Yeah, sure. Do you reckon he was? Yeah, he goes... I told this on the show before, but during the festival, I did press about the show that I did about my grandpa and Vegemite and I got this angry email saying, how dare you claim that your grandpa did this? He didn't, blah, blah, blah.

And I wrote back and said, I talk about all that in the show. I'm very, I know the story. I'm quite even handed. I'd love for you to come see it and actually have an idea of what you're getting angry about. And they just ignored it and never wrote back. Pardon? Sorry.

Always trying to sell tickets. Yep. Yep. Always working. Oh, look, some prick hates me. Why don't you sit in the front row? No, I wrote back and said, look, I'll cancel the show immediately for $220,000. Not of Vegemite, though.

Not Vegemite bucks. And do you want me to fuck your sister? Do you want me to fuck your sister? Well, so then I met the Callister guy who wrote the book, The Other Family Involved. And I said, oh, I've got a funny thing to tell you that kind of relates to you. I got an angry kind of email when I was doing my show on your behalf. And he goes, yeah, I know. And I'm like, oh, how do you know that?

And he goes, oh, it's my sister who sent that. And I'm like, oh, well, it's a bit weird because I was very nice back to her and she never wrote back. And he goes, yeah, I know. I'm like, it's very weird that you would know that this happened and that I'm bringing it up to you. And he goes, look, man, I just want to say I know you did the show and everything and I just want you to know that you have my blessing

to talk about that stuff on stage, which for one, I'd done it. The show had happened already. It was long over. And for two, it's my family. I don't need your permission to talk about my family, you prick. So fuck that snowboarder guy. Fuck all the Callisters. And most of all, fuck Vegemite.

Fuck the Winter Olympics. Fuck comedy. Fuck Vladimir Putin. If someone from Telstra can just transcribe that into one of those fan emails, that would be great. I know you're about to go down the run, mate. I just want to read that beforehand. Yeah.

So, yeah. Hey, I want to bring this up relating to Studio A because I did start talking about this on last week's episode, but we had to kind of wrap up abruptly because we were in the bar in there and people came in. We had to kind of finish up. I was at a friend's surprise wedding a few weeks ago that was emceed slash the celebranted by television's Greg Evans, who is a family friend of the bride at this wedding. But he got on and –

And for context, he used to be the host of Perfect Match, which is a dating gaming show in the 80s. Yeah. I just – yeah. I'll sit this one out, boys It was him and a little robot And it was like a dating show So that's where Craig Ferguson got it from? Sure

Yeah, he invented the robot That's where Stephen Hawking got it from too It's true From Perfect Match Hold for applause And we're good It's true. They're from Perfect Match. It's true. Hold for applause and we're good. The robot was just sick of matching people up and just decided to work on the brief history of time.

So I, yeah, so he, Evans was hosting and he was great. I will say this though, it's someone else's wedding and he started talking about Dexter the robot from Perfect Match almost immediately at the start of the service. someone else's wedding and he he started talking about dexter the robot from perfect match almost immediately at the start of the service he gets up and starts going so people always ask me where's dexter and it's people like my age like i only know who greg evans is which i'll get to in a minute because he did something on studio a one time um and also at a wedding you're not going to be like where's buddy dexter mate where's your little robot? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Enough of

the love and our friends committing to each other. Where's the cardboard robot going beep, beep, boop? So here's a thing that he did that I found interesting. He got up and my friend Pete, the groom, was up on the little stage with his best man and everything and he goes, and because it was kind of, we were all standing

around in the garden because it was a surprise wedding. So everyone's just sort of standing around. So it's not like a clear sort of aisle for her to walk down or anything. It's just a crowd of people. So Greg Evans goes, oh, so the bride's coming in now. So if we can all just part the bush for the bride to come in. And he said it with a bit of zest that said to me that he knew what he was doing. He was deliberately trying to be blue at this wedding, which I thought was kind of a strange call.

Sometimes you just need to wake a wedding up, mate. You just need to spice it up. I emceed a wedding on Saturday, actually. Did you really? Just a weekend past. Did you know? Yeah, he was one of my best mates. And I said, I'll do it because I've emceed a wedding for money before

and it was one of the worst things I've ever done. That'd be great if someone just went to that wedding for the first time and thought that's what you do at every wedding and someone's at Dil's wedding going where's Dexter mate? Where's your little mate? Are you going to part the bush now? What's going on? I love tradition I love weddings.

Oh well up every time. Yeah but I told the guy, my friend, I said I'll do it as long as I don't have to be funny. I said I'm more than happy to be play host. But everyone there knew that I do stand-up comedy. And before the wedding, they kept pitching me stories to tell about the bride and groom. And one of them was about the bride, the maid of honor's mom who has a chook pen. And he told me this 10-minute story and and goes i think you should try that and use that

because i think everyone will really enjoy that i was like i'll consider it yeah that's the hard thing about like worse isn't it it is the worst when you're turning up to a gig and then everyone's like always footy clubs would always be the worst yeah yeah i was doing i remember one in east brighton they literally we got halfway through that was when i was doing it with kinney troy kinney and tom seagate and we'd always rotate one at host one at do 20 and then another 20

at the end and it was like I remember I was hosting and we had the first break and they just got off and they're just like fucking funny hey you know what you should do

you should pick on the fucking coon over there and I was like excuse me everything just stopped and there's one Aboriginal guy and they're like he fucking loves it

he loves it I'm like oh no one loves it like why are you asking me to do this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He pretends to love it so he won't get bashed. That's much like my first appearance on this Dum Dum Club episode. But yeah, that's it.

Like at footy clubs and stuff like that, they'll go, you know, they just want one of their mates getting hung shit on or whatever. So they'll say, oh, you know what you should say? Oh, you know, Wobbsy over here, he's all like, he fell over on his ass once and ice cream went up his bum. So talk about that. And I'm like, does anyone know about that except for you? He's like, no.

Like, so I come up there and go, Wobbsy, with the ice cream up his bum. And I hear one person laughing. Is that the plan? He's like, they'll probably work it out, though. Yeah, good one. Ice cream up the bum, another diagram I had stuck up on the walls of Sin FM when we used to do the show back then. Well, this was kind of a similar thing because, you know, Greg Evans at this wedding, he had been given, you know,

so he's doing like the vows and everything. So they've given him clearly like a couple of, you know, stories of kind of, you know, things to bring up and talk about how in love they are and stuff. But because you can't, you know, someone who doesn't know you that well, you can't ever bring them fully into your relationship. So they're just getting select bits. And so he had this story about the first time they went on a date, which was at this restaurant, and she had ordered lasagna.

And Pete, my friend, the groom, had told her that she should cut up her lasagna in some special way to make it into like a different dish or like a soup or something. It's just a weird, funny, offhand thing that I'm sure has context to them. But it was one of the only bits of information that he'd been given about Pete. So he just kept bringing it up again and again and again, which made Pete just sound like this tyrant who can't leave well enough alone. No one's allowed to eat lasagna a certain way around here. Garfield in a human form. I think I may have even made that call several times.

And here's the other thing. Pete's Greek, right? So I've always thought it's going to be so dope when Pete gets married and we can just smash plates until the cows come home. But then because it's a surprise thing, it's happening, and me and my friend James are standing there going, just as it's all going on, going, I don't think we're going to get to smash any plates.

And at one point James goes, seriously, should I just go inside into their pantry and just get some plates and start going for it? Because, like, you know, they'd be cut. But also it's like, well, it's your tradition, so what do you want? This is your thing. Some of this fly kicking into the pantry cupboard, just going, isn't this what your mob does?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got really drunk and I started having a crack at the dad at the end of the night. I go, listen, Foddy, beautiful service, but these are my exact words. Mate, where the fuck were the fucking plates? This is a guy I've known

since the first day of prep. I've grown up with this man and I'm assaulting him at his son's wedding. It's been a nice circle of life because that was probably the first thing you said to him. But then this is... Oi, you can't whiz, you play.

I've got to eat some Vegemite. But then just to bring it back to Studio A, so those things were funny, but it was nice. It was very casual. It was in their backyard. It was a surprise wedding. It was good that it had that casual vibe. At the end of it, Greg was kind of by himself, so I went up.

And now I don't think we've talked about this on the show but early days of studio a uh was when the tv show dexter had just kind of started so we wrote a sketch where we had greg evans tied up uh like glad wrapped to a bench i believe without a shirt on and the music and the tone of it made to look like an episode of the show dexter and then the robot Dexter comes in and – Look, it was great, guys. I can sell you a DVD of it for five bucks. Come down to the North Victoria Market in a month.

But so I went up to him and I was like, hey, that was really lovely. And you did a thing on a 31 show I worked on a little while ago. And he goes, oh, the Dexter thing where I was glad wrapped to a bench? And I go, yeah. And he goes, oh, the Dexter thing where I was glad wrapped to a bench? And I go, yeah. And he goes, oh, that was you, was it? Like, yeah, it was great, right? Greatest point of his career. Hey, you remember it?

Yeah, it was a fun time. We made you relevant again. Yeah. That's when you smash a plate over his head and go, run, you fool. So big Studio A fan, Greg Evans, he's still out there putting the word out. Loving it. Yeah. That took forever, that sketch.

Do you remember? I don't think I was there on the day. I can't remember if I was there or not when he came in. Did you guys have sketches with celebrity guests that went wrong? Where he just was completely – Did you just not hear that story? It sounded – I actually genuinely thought that was a reasonably funny sketch. I do remember there was a weird point where we – the whole idea –

because Dexter, when he's in the show, the people are always, like, nude. And so we wanted him, for the sake of it looking the same, we wanted him to be topless. And I remember he had not been properly briefed about that before he turned up. So there was a thing of us going, yeah, so if you wouldn't just mind taking your shirt off as well, that'd be really good. I can't remember if he did it or not, if he was topless

or whether he had the suit on. Yeah. Why? Did you have a celebrity guest one? No, no, no. Actually, well, we didn't get any guests. No, not really. No.

Speaking of celebrity guests, he's such a long bow. How about a quick break so we can wedge in Australia's most long-running and best. Favorite. Best. Best radio serial. Most award-winning. Yes. Highest rating.

Yep. Best everything. Here it is. New episode of Rad Dad. Rad Dad. Rad Dad. It's Rad Dad here and I'm here to say I'm just riding around in the Rad Dad way Gotta watch the kid, the cat and the dog Now see me be right in your catalog, yeah Word to your mother, cause I'm Rad Dad He's the raddest dad in town Rad Dad

And that's the number one song of Triple J's Hottest 100 Thanks for listening, it's all over That was the number one song? What dickheads would have voted for that? Uh, Rad Dad, what are all these letters I found on the fridge Under the No Fear fridge magnets? Oh, Jenny, that's nothing. They're probably just some love letters from Jenny Garth or Carmen Electra.

What's that? Sounds like olden day slut. And maybe one of them is from Niamh Campbell too? Okay, you're just making up names now. Listen, they're not weird love letters from people in your million-year-old jack-off magazines. I think they're bills. You don't need to worry about that, Jenny. You're not even old enough to worry about that, Jenny. You're not even old

enough to worry about what bills are. Well, it looks like you're too old to remember how to pay them. And there's a heap of them, Rad Dad. Are we in some kind of financial trouble? No, Jenny. Well, look, listen, I'll be honest. I think you're just about old enough to see your dad cry. I am having money problems. Look, I just didn't budget to have a kid for this long. I mean, how long do you guys live? I have to pay for an upbringing of a child and it's really tough on top of daily necessities like this tattoo I got of you. That tattoo of me just says Vision Streetwear. Yes, it does, my little Vision Streetwear. I think that's the door.

I think I'm going to go answer it instead of listening to you name dodgy old brands. No, no, don't answer it. Hello? Hello, is Mr Dad home? Yes. She means no. Oh shit, how long is this kid going to live? Well, little girl, your daddy has spent a lot of money he doesn't have.

And I'll teach you something here. What I do is I take all the things back that he hasn't finished paying for properly. Oh, I get it. So you're an arsehole. All right, listen, little girl. As much as I'd like to wind back and really clock you a good one, sweeten the chops, instead I'll just walk in and start taking all the stuff back. Like this DVD player.

No! And this ten-foot statue of Keanu Reeves. No! And this ten foot statue of Keanu Reeves. No! And this tattoo. Oh shit! Oh maybe use a tourniquet to stem the bleeding. Oh wait, that's on my list to repossess too. I'll take that. Sorry about that. See ya

mate! Fuck, what did I say there? I sound like such an idiot. Well, I guess we've both learned something today. Oh this'll be good. I learned that? I sound like such an idiot. Well, I guess we've both learned something today. This'll be good. I learned that you can't live beyond your means. And you learned... You...

Yellow nature strip crab-nair. Okay, okay, sit down Rad Dad. You've just lost a lot of blood. Thanks, Vision Streetwear. In a way, I'm glad you're not dead. Oh, thanks, Rad Dad. Rad Dad is filming in front of a live studio audience. And we're back. Wasn't it good?

Yeah, it was probably my favourite. It's so nice to be on the other side of the curtain. Well, you were in it, so you should... We've got to stop doing this, because when I edit this and I listen back, this bit always sounds ridiculous, that a minute of content happens and then us here going, we don't know what happened.

No, I'm pretty sure this is the best one. So anyway... I'll just come in with a big laugh. Yeah, there we go. So we're recording this at Five Boroughs, where I run Five Boroughs Comedy on a Thursday night, guys, and I've mentioned it before, but sometimes we do a bit of neutral recording ground, don't we,

if we're not at your place or my place, Tommy? Yep. So we met in the city. Now, we're here where, as I said again, I run Thursday nights. Dave Thornton was here a little while ago, and I wanted to just recount this story that he wasn't aware of at the time. But you dropped in. I think you were on this night as well.

I don't think you saw this. So we're in a break. People are coming in and out and whatever. And it was a night where we had to announce to people there were special guests all night. And you were one of them. So no one knew who was on. So this girl comes up to me before you'd been on.

And she goes, hey, that bloke that just walked by, is that Dave Thornton? And I go, yeah, look, we have special guests all the time, celebrity guests. And she goes, celebrity? I went, yeah, yeah, you know him from what? From the radio or from TV, like This Week Live? She's like, no, no. And I said, what, radio, like Fox FM or whatever?

She goes, no. I went, what are you asking for? How do you know Dave Thornton? And she goes, oh, yeah, I think for? How do you know Dave Thornton? And she goes, oh, yeah, I think she was rooting one of my mates in Brisbane. So my rep has gone around just of a rooter. Yes. She goes, she was like pointing at you, like basically going, as seen in my mate.

Now, I say this a lot and it's always a good laugh But I've never been more deadly serious about this How did you get there? Are you serious? Yes I'm completely serious She was like She was just looking at you Not from Didn't even know you did comedy

Was just like I thought I think he was I think he was rooting my mate in Brisbane There for a few weeks And she recognised you from that So if you want to know who it was Just think about the time

You've had sex with someone from Brisbane And there was another girl in the room just watching. Yeah, and asking for my full name too. You know, like Dave Thornton, was it? Can you pop your passport out? Gotcha, gotcha. She's had a lot of days, so just going to make sure that that's right.

Jeez, that is bizarre. Isn't that funny? We're talking the calibre of people that drop into a sit-down and are willing to go into the, let's be honest, that sex den that they call accommodation there. Oh, yes. Have you ever done stand-up at the sit-down and are willing to go into the, let's be honest, that sex den that they call accommodation there. Have you ever done stand-up at the sit-down comedy club? No, not good enough.

Mate, don't be like that. That's our call. I don't know if we've talked about the Brisbane gig before, but yeah, there's a big club up there that owns an apartment that's just sort of down the road from the club and then when you go there and do gigs if you're from interstate, they put you up for the weekend.

We've talked about it. We've talked about the pornography that's in that. Yeah, and there's a guest book that is just page after page of people talking about how much they've jacked off in there. It's a very uncomfortable weekend that you spend in that bed. Very much so because literally the place has been set up to almost be destruct proof, if that's a phrase. Yeah. You know, it's just got vinyl floors and then you've got your old very cumbersome VCR player.

And the back catalogue of VCRs is actually pretty impressive. Yeah, yeah. Some of the movies you're just like, that's really good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They've done a good job of putting some classics in there that you get there and you go, oh, you know what? I've never seen this. But you also do realise that like just because you're right

there's a guest book that all these comics have just written in and they just yeah you're right every second one's like ah you're just like jizzed all in every

bloody corner and you're just like you realise you realise how tactile like you know even just picking up a VCR and just going

this was held by hands that may not have been washed almost feels weird to pick up a porno You know Just going Hang on What

Are there movies That potentially someone Would have jacked off to Like There are some porns There's porno yeah There's actual porn movies there But they need to book

There you go mate Yeah well That's your goal from now on Get good enough at comedy That you can get booked for a place That will put you up With free porn There you go

Yeah And you'll raise your price To two million dollars To get out of comedy on get good enough at comedy that you can get booked for a place that will put you up with free porn. There you go. There you go. And you'll raise your price to $2 million to get out of comedy. But there might just be, like, you just don't know because you've got that old school thing of, like, you know, VCRs, they literally start from when the last person stopped. Oh, yeah. It's awful. It's like you could be watching Top Gun.

Do you know what I mean? You stick it back in and it's just the one where he stuck it to his teacher. You're like, oh, God, P and it's just the one where he stuck it to his teacher like oh god Pommy Johnson just let one out of this the volleyball scene you're like

oh Adam Richard what are you doing yeah I find it I find it tough sleep because there's two bedrooms sleeping in that bed

just knowing man some some bad stuff has happened in here after the gigs. Because they're pretty rough. It's a kind of a rough club. It's very suburban.

Like they kind of – We had a nice time over there. We did have a nice time over there. I think we had a nice time over there. But you do hear horror stories. The only thing was you finished on a Saturday night last time and I remember the only incident was at one stage someone threw a single cube of ice at you. Yeah. And you went, threw a single cube of ice at you.

Yeah. And you went, someone threw a cube of ice at me. Anyway, and then that was it. Yeah. Yeah, it was – and I was like – and then when we came back, I was talking to Anne Edmonds about it and, like, she'd been there the week before us and I was like, eh, Saturday night was a bit rowdy.

Had some people throwing stuff. There was a bit of a bummer. She's like, oh, I had the same thing too. And I was like, oh, what happened with you? And she goes, oh, a group of women threw dildos at me while I was on stuff. There's a bit of a bummer. She's like, oh, I had the same thing too. And I was like, oh, what happened with you? And she goes, oh, a group of women threw dildos at me while I was on stage. So what happened to you? I'm like, oh, nothing. It was fine.

It was great. To really put it in perspective. That's incredible. Yeah. Getting dildos. I really want to get booked there now. Multiple dildos. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, you'd hope that it was a hen's night. If they would just happen to walk in. I just happen to have me dildo? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you'd hope that it was a hen's night. Like, if they would just happen to walk in, oh, I just happen to have me dildo in me bag. That's what I think of your comedy. Usually comedy really turns me on and I just get into it. That's why I've got these here for you. Well, if Thornton's headlining, of course,

you need a dildo to be there. I could scream go fuck yourself, but I think the symbolic motion of this dildo. You're prepared for that heckle. It's so much better. Like, yeah, I mean, you sort of say it makes more sense that they have dildos because it's a hen's night, but also why are you travelling around, even in a hen's night, just travelling around with dildos on you? You're questioning the sense of a hen's night, which I think is probably a bad idea.

I believe everyone should be held to the same standards. It's like, you know, in the soccer or whatever, people will get hit by pound coins in England or whatever, and you go, you know exactly how much money you're losing there. That's a pound you're throwing, just an off chance of hitting some guy in the head. So you're going to spend a lot of money just trying to hurt someone just a little bit.

But that's like, a dildo is like, I don't know, what's that? It's a week's entertainment. Look, you can all guess how much that is. I know none of us want to commit to a prize like we know. I really hope you're going to out yourself. I have bought a dildo in my lifetime. I went, it was for a costume and it sounds stupid when I put it like that, but it's true, I did go to a club.

Yeah, well, you did dress up to. It was a costume party. It was one of the uni balls and the theme was carnival, Brazilian carnival, and all the blokes were with their shirts off with their abs and chest muscles and i'm a pretty heavy bloke so i was like i can't pull that off so i went as a carnival pervert and i had like a full-on trench coat and one of the arms of the trench coat was filled with cotton wool and the and gloves and stuff and and the glove was filled with cotton wool and it was permanently stitched to this dildo sticking out of my arm

and so the back of the left arm had a little hole where my actual left arm could stick through so I was walking around permanently with this dildo, with this hand attached to the dildo asking everyone to have a look at my shoes, what do you think of my shoes? And just wait for people to react. I was at

uni, I was 21 years old and it was fucking hilarious. This response that I'm getting from you guys. So how much did the dildo cost? I went in and I asked the guy, can I get a dildo? Give me the cheapest dildo you have. The cheapest dildo that you have? And I said these words. I don't respect my asshole.

Give me whatever you got. Hey, guys, if you like that as a merch idea for a new Dum Dum T-shirt, I don't respect my arsehole. Write in and let us know and we'll get them made. I'm the sort of guy that has single-ply toilet paper. I get the cheapest dildo, whatever. Sorry, do you like how you look? I also specified that I had to match my complexion.

And then he started running me through what they have in the range. And he's like, well, this one's quite cheap, but it's a different... It's a fluorescent colour. This one's probably more your tan. And he said, and it also has a suction cup at the end so you can whack it on a table and bounce around on it. And I said, and I don't get embarrassed easily. I said, no, no, it's for a costume.

And then the girl behind the counter goes, sweetie, even if it's for you, we don't mind. And I genuinely, the first time ever. Everyone who goes in says it's for a costume we don't mind. And I genuinely, the first time ever in my life. Everyone who goes in says it's for a costume. There's a lot of costume parties in Melbourne. I just moved house and I found it and I had that moment of going, do I chuck this out or not?

And I kept it. So, God damn it, how expensive was it? Oh, sorry. Shit, yeah, $35. Right. $35. I would take that dildo to give up stand-up. Now, when you say take, you mean... Oh, yeah, all of them.

Dance around, whatever. I've bought one as well for a costume, and it is, I had a similar thing where you go, and you go, yeah, I'll just get a dildo for a funny little prank for a thing, and then you're like, oh, there, how much? Because we had a, me and Bart Freeban did a show at the Fringe Festival a few years ago

that was a play that we wrote about, it was kind of a take-off of the book The Game about how to pick up women, and we played two idiots who find this book that's that's meant to be you know it's like a simile of the game and then uh we start treating it as gospel and then we had a bit in the show where the guy who wrote the book comes in and teaches us and that guy was played by dave callan and his character was this like love guru who had been meditating and thinking about himself so much that he'd hit a feedback

loop in his own meditation and was now permanently erect so we had this thing where he came out in this like elvis jumpsuit and we bought a big like a huge dildo for him to just have kind of stuffed down the side of his pants he's like tight jumpsuit that he was wearing and uh yeah so it was me and bart having to go buy a dildo together for dave callan because dave't want to do it. And so then we had to have this ridiculous process every night where Dave would seriously say to us before each show, is it too early to put the cock in yet? And that's everyone's Fringe Festival experience, I feel like. But yeah, ours was like a lot.

Ours was like 70 bucks. Yeah, getting back to Studio A once again. There was once a sketch that we wrote where... Where is this guy? Yeah. Honestly, there was a bit where someone had to

throw around like a... Like we had to cut to like as if someone was throwing a person around. So I was like, I was like, oh, I'll just go and buy a sex doll

or something. So I went to like Club X, bought a sex doll and all I had was like this big black one and with like, you know, a massive blow-up penis so it wasn't like I don't know what sex dolls are usually like I guess but this had a

permanently blown up erection like that and you're demonstrating to us by using my fist yeah yeah the classic tool of the podcast so so then I bought it was like 80 bucks and then I go in and go here you go we'll use this and can I claim it back and they're like where's your receipt and I'm like

oh I don't know I don't think I got one and they're like well you could have just brought that from home I'm like no I didn't just

trying to hustle you yeah so then they didn't use the clip in the end and I just bought an 80 dollar black man sex doll you so they the channel 31 didn't give you no that's ridiculous yes the clip in the end and I just bought an $80 black man sex doll. So the Channel 31 didn't give you... That's ridiculous.

I feel like this is an elaborate story you're going to show your girlfriend. Pretty prickly situation. Is that sex doll now in the TV museum on the peninsula next to Dexter? Yes, and when I adjudicate weddings I always say, where's the sex doll? Where is he?

While we're on the subject, might as well just bring this story out where a mate of mine, still mates with him now, but I remember in high school. Massive black cock. Just a huge cock. I paid $35 for it. It got me into comedy. You pay him just to look at it like Dirk Diggler. If I show you my cock, will you do stand-up? How we all started out.

The secret origin of every comedian. Yeah, that's it. Just on the offer of rape, you start out there. I'd love to quit, but he just said I've got to go back to it. But he was obviously with his girlfriend, first girl he's ever had sex with they're going at it like rabbits and I guess like you do when you're a teenager

you're just trying everything at your disposal and whatever however to get each other off and do whatever and then he was like guys I've got to use a dildo on her

and we're like oh that's pretty sick like how does that all work and he's like yeah yeah because I'd phone the dildo like I was just rummaging around my folks room

my mum had it in her drawer and knew it was there. I'm not joking. And we're like, what? And he went, yeah, but I've got to use it on it. And we're like, yeah, but do you understand why that's sitting there? And he's like, oh, but she would have cleaned it. I'm like, no, no.

No, it doesn't matter beyond all of this. No matter how much Vegemite you put on it to clean it, there is no way that's sterilised. Even in that, he said, oh, she would have cleaned it. So he just assumed. He didn't even give it

his own. He probably got it out of the hamper before it had gone in the wash. But even if she did clean it, do you know what I mean? Let's say she's got a ritual

where he's seen it hanging out in the line or something every Saturday. I don't like it when Dasla gets away to show that he's not laughing. He laughed for a good minute at that Dino joke. I just want the record to show. It's got everything I like. Oh, God.

He knows what I like and he knows it. I found my dad's used dinger to chuck that on a bit as well. Yeah, it's gross. That's horrendous. Hey, speaking of Valentine's Day. What a segue. No rad dad needed for that. We're getting close to the end. I just want to bring this up before we get to the end.

I found out about this last Friday was Valentine's Day. And in the Herald Sun, every Valentine's Day, you've got your little listings of people putting in, you know, your love notes to your partner. Look at what we got. Little Dum Dum Club. I love your show. Be my Valentine's. Thanks, mate.

That is very funny. That is excellent. Just to put it in context, it's just above Little Flower, 12 years down and forever to go. I will always love you. And directly above, yeah, love me little podcast dickheads, yeah. The ultimate burn to a girl who thinks that her partner is going to put something in about her,

scanning through a piece of shitty new media is getting shouted out in the love dedications and I'm not. To be fair, that's only if you know what our podcast is because if you're stumbling across that where it says little dum-dum club you're like is that your love name for your girlfriend that's very come here my little dum-dum club and then he goes i yeah i love your show fucking what shows are you putting on yeah like and then thanks mates oh there's oh there's more than one of them all right yeah I dare say they would have tried to put in G'day dickheads and just be old son

when they let it go through. Have any of you guys ever put a thing in the paper for someone? I also like that because I'm sure that that's more effort than either of us have put into our girlfriends on Valentine's Day. Oh, I don't like you speaking on behalf of my relationship. Well, I have already, so let's just confirm that. Okay, well, there's nothing I can do about it now, I guess. I'll pay you a million dollars not to say that again.

Do you guys ever put stuff – have you done that? Would you do that? The old – I don't know. It seems a bit naff to me. Yeah, no, I've never done it. I did because I went through that for radio because I'm like, oh, it's always gold and I just said it out on air. The one that really made me laugh just said,

Ba-ba-ba-ba- Ba Ba Baran is a great song by the Beach Boys in 1965. Someone's just written that in the Herald Sun. That's it. They must have brought down the prices chronically this year. Print really is dead. If we're getting dedications to podcasts and then someone's given a bit of Brian

Wilson gaggery in there, it must be three cents to put a tribute in. Yeah, yeah. That's what you'd reckon. Whoever did that, send it in to us and tell us how much it cost you to send in that tribute. Yeah. We do appreciate it, but we'd also like to know exactly how much in monetary form you love us. You know what I'd like someone to do for us? I'm going to put this out there.

I think this could happen if we say it. A skyrider. I want someone to get a... What do you think we could get Skyriding? Probably Haymates would be the little dum-dum clubs that's going to take a full day and a half to do. Haymates would be...

Haymates would be enough. Team Allsop. Rad Dad? Yeah. Rad Dad or Haymates. Someone get a Skyrider in Melbourne. I reckon we can make this happen. Jeez, you've gotten drunk with power. You guys have just... Just drunk, actually. Are we sure that that's not just a shitty Fosdake mock-up? No, I checked the paper. Not that Fosdake is shitty.

Yeah, right, right. If someone skywrites us the figure $1 million, we will quit comedy. If someone just writes $1 million in the sky, we're out. You're peaked anyway, so what's the point in going on? Well, that's effectively what's going to happen

is that that person, that skywriter, is going to be paid that amount of money to be never doing his job again because the bosses are going to go, you plugged a podcast in the sky. You just put, g'day dickhead, and now you're fired. You're now fired. All right. Is that it?

Is that it for the week? Thornton's on his phone, so I know you've got a gig to get to. I've got a gig. I've got a cut, so I'm trying to tell him I'm going to be late because I don't know. You're on a fake radio show. What I do in the morning for a lot of money, the same thing except worse and for no money. Oh, no, this is killing me.

After three minutes, I was like, just go to a song. Go to a song. Just kill me. This is dragging on. We've got a lot to do with this air check. Still, you have got your festival show called Kind of a Big Deal. Yes, Dirk Jysing is Kind of a Big Deal. From the 8th to the 20th, the Swanston Hotel.

Yep. Can I give a little code, like a cheap ticket code name to see if it works? Sure. Let's compare about this. The code is... Can we make the code? Yeah, okay. Yeah, right.

Go for it. Uh-oh. Because I stressed for an hour because I knew I was going to try and plug it here. Dildo. It should be Dildo, surely. Oh, yeah. Dildo. Yeah, okay. Yeah, Dild try and plug it here. Dildo. It should be Dildo, sure. Oh, yeah. Dildo. Yeah, okay.

Yeah, Dildo. Dildo. Dildo. All right. Can I do it? Because you could pronounce it differently and say Dildo as in like I'm doing Dildo's show. Yeah, that's right. Dildo.

Okay, Dildo. D-I-L-D-O. All right. Yeah, cheap tickets. Type in Dildo. Cheap tickets. A seat in the show that you can just Bounce around on With laughter That's going to be

Your name for your next show Just Dildo Comedy Yeah yeah And just write that On the poster Oh yeah Well there you go And I think we said this

Even if you give me A million dollars Dildo Comedy Yeah I believe we said this On the show Maybe we said this Last time you were on

But definitely go check out Dill You are a very fine Stand up comedian Thank you man I'm more than happy To say that people Who like the show. Maybe we said this last time you were on but definitely go check out Dill. You are a very fine stand-up comedian. I'm more than happy to say that people who like the show will really enjoy your stand-up

so definitely take a punt. As opposed to this Blake doing... Boo. It's alright guys. Dave Thornton, you are doing Mondays.

That's right. I'm doing the last three Mondays of the Comedy Festival and... At the Town Hall. At the Town Hall. At the Town Hall. Yep.

Lower Town Hall. Last year's show, Tall and Pointy. So if you didn't see it or you want to see it again, get on down. Get down. We have both got Brisbane shows. I've got my week of shows at the Powerhouse from March 4th till 9th. Tickets are through the Brisbane Powerhouse for that. On the Saturday, we have got our live Dum Dum Club in Brisbane

at the Southside Tea Rooms at 4pm. Immediately following that, you can see Carl Chandler's Got Talent, the best run of that. The first performance of that for only $8. So, yeah, like we've been talking about, if you want to come and see everything, you can do it on the same day. You can go 4, and then 8, 5.30 show, and then you at 7? 7, yeah. Yeah, so you can do that. And if you want to turn up, the co-worker for Carl's show

is I wasted $80 on a big fat dildo. You just want to drop that at the front. We've also got our Melbourne stuff is all on sale. We're doing four live podcasts

Sundays during the Comedy Festival. We've also both of our shows are now on sale. Tommy Dasolo Dreamboat and Carl Chandler's Got Talent.

If you go to comedyfestival.com.au or you go to our website, you can find all of that stuff. And just, we haven't said this for a few weeks, but with the podcast, you can go and get a festival season pass for our podcast as well. So you'll effectively see five shows for, I think, $60, isn't it? Yeah, bargain. All sorts of special guests already lined up.

It's going to be a great old time. Very good. Guys, thanks very much for listening. Dave and Dil, thank you very much for joining us. And we'll see you next time. See you, mate. Quip. Dildo.