The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 178 - Adam Richard & Brad Oakes

Episode Date: March 5, 2014

Carpeted Toilets, Alto Saxes and Spitting.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Brisbane, we are coming for you. In fact, I am in you right now doing my show. Dreamboat at the Powerhouse all week. Also, scrape your pennies together, smash open the piggy bank, head on to littledumbdumbclub.com and get a ticket for this Saturday. Carl, what's happening? We're going to do a little podcast. What you're listening to now, you get to come and see it happen actually before your eyes. Which is heaps of fun. Hey, it's heaps and heaps of fun to do these live ones because you get a real and see it happen actually before your eyes yeah which is heaps of fun hey it's heaps and heaps of fun to do these live ones because um you get a real live laugh in the room so please that'd be awesome if you've enjoyed our podcast all year all you need to do is chip in

whatever it is yeah bucks or something to come along and have a look and um we get to hang out with you afterwards and have a beer and stuff like that we'll have a chat you can see us with your eyes and hear us in your ears yes and you can see our big names as well. Yes. That's our guess. We can't say, but if you want a cheeky hint, have a look through the Brisbane Comedy Festival guide and have a look at who's there that week.

Some big names. If you want a bit of a hint, just think, oh, look, it could be Mr. Kardashian. Who knows? It could be. Mr. Kardashian. Who knows? It could be... Mr. Kardashian? I'm trying to imply it's Kanye West. Oh, okay.

Yeah. It could be him. He's flying out two months early for those gigs. Come and do our show. Come and do something he's completely inappropriate for. Yes. And you can stick around after that and watch you do the debut performance of Carl Chandler's Got Talent. Yes.

So in the same venue, make a day of it. If you're super speedy, you can come see me at the Brisbane Powerhouse afterwards that night. Although you've got all week, so maybe don't stress it. Come another night. But if you want to do Dum Dum Palooza on the one day, for sure, do it. If you want to really... Hey, if you're on death row and they'll grant you day release, they're executing you on Sunday, make a day of it. Yeah.

If you're going to kill yourself, make sure we're the last things you see. Also, all our Melbourne stuff is on sale. It's coming up. Sydney is going to be on sale soon. As always, littledumbdumbclub.com for all the ticket links and stuff. Hopefully, we'll see you out there in that big wide world of ours.

Hey, mates. Hey mates, welcome once again into the little dum-dum club for another week Thank you for joining us, my name is Tommy Dasolo And sitting next to me, the other half of the show, Carl Chandler G'day dickhead Brisbane is coming up this Saturday, we've got our live podcast We're very excited about that, some big guests coming up Now I put this on Twitter the other night, you might have seen this We talked about this at the time, but last year when we did our live podcast up there, we had a young listener of the show tweet us and offer us free McDonald's.

Which we heartily took him up on. Yeah, at the McDonald's that he worked at. And, you know, it got me thinking we should, you know, because the kid, I think he was working and he couldn't actually come to the shows. Let's say that McDonald's, that was out of his money because we went along to McDonald's and we thought, oh, we're getting in on the house from McDonald's. And we walked in and his supervisor was very clearly like, what are you doing?

And he's like, oh, here's my money. Yeah, he was like, oh, just take... Buy those two hobos a cheeseburger. Yeah, yeah, he was like, just take it out of my pay for the week. Meanwhile, we've come straight from a sold-out show at the Powerhouse. Like, yeah, you take this out of his tab yeah i want a big mac no cheeseburger yeah but we but we were um like i was just thinking you know he didn't get to come i was like that wasn't a very nice thing that he did we should try and get him a free ticket but i couldn't remember his twitter

handle or anything so i did a shout out in the middle of the night i said hey that kid you know that gave us the maccas and i want to repeat it now if you're listening get in touch with us but you know i put that on Twitter a few days ago, and, you know, I haven't heard anything back. And then I realised, you know, because he's a bit of a young kid, what if he's moved on? You know what I mean? What if he's not listening anymore?

Because, you know, when you're that age, you know, you go through bands pretty quickly. Your tastes change very rapidly. And that made me really sad to think that a kid who was once willing to give us McDonald's out of his own paycheck, he's not even – What if he got fired for doing that and he necked himself? And that's it. Oh, boy.

Wow. He's not on this planet anymore. Should we press stop and start this again? Maybe. Yeah, so, kid, if you're out there, please. I mean, if you're thinking about killing yourself... If you're still alive. Yeah, I mean, if you're thinking about it,

geez, it's only three days until the next live one. And if this helps, you can have a free ticket. We'll buy you a cheeseburger this time. Yeah. Yeah. Is that fair? That's fair. We'll buy it from Hungry Jack's.

The way they're better. The cheeseburgers are better there, I'll be honest. Will you be more glad if he's not responding because he's not into us or if he's dead? Oh, yeah. Well, I got to say, when you put it like that, I think I would prefer him to be dead. Yeah. It makes us seem a little bit more, you know, our shelf life Yeah, you know, as long as no one has found the deceased's iTunes account and unsubscribed us

As long as we're still getting the numbers, I'm fine with that Some of those ghost downloads that really help push us over the line Big show today, first of all making his debut on the program An absolute legend of Australian comedy Please welcome into the little dum- Dum Dum Club, Brad Oakes. Yeah. Well, hello. Lovely to have you here, Oakesy.

Thank you very much. Yes. Very nice to be here. And also joining us, recently ousted as the host of Picks of Pecks, which we'll get into later on. But also, you know him as the new team captain on Spicks and Specks. Please welcome back into the Little Dum-dum club, Adam Richard. Hi.

Picks and Pecks. Picks of Pecks. Maybe that's why it hasn't gone ahead. It's a very tongue twister of a title. Picks of Pecks. It was a difficult sell, especially because it was on Channel 31 at 4 o'clock in the morning. I'm surprised I haven't seen it. You're too busy watching Psychic TV

I know That is a hard one though For Channel 31 For Community TV Like for something to get the arse On Community TV To be banned That must be a dagger into the soul

And it was You know Like a lot of shows on Channel 31 It was exactly what it said it was on the box It was pics of Pex. Lots of pics of the Hemsworth brothers without shirts on. So the show's been cancelled or they just kicked you out as host or

what happened? I forgot to go in one week. As they say, pics of Pex doesn't just host itself. No, someone's got to click next on the Google image search. Man, they run such a tight ship in there. I heard it as dicks and pics.

So anyway, I was just very disappointed. That was our late night podcast. Hang on. The late night version of a show that's on at 4am. Yeah. Well, for comedians, that'd be about one o'clock in the afternoon. Yeah. And a podcast about dicks.

Just a lot of descriptions of veins? Oh, boy. I did a gig once at the South Morang, the commercial hotel in South Morang. Really, really tough gig. Clank. Yeah. And afterwards, the manager, who was a pretty hard-ass kind of guy, goes, come with me to the office.

I'm going to pay you. And then takes me through this labyrinth of corridors to get to this office. And I'm thinking, I no longer even know where East and West is. And he goes, right, I'm just going to count your money. In the meantime, and he pulls out a book, and it's all cocks. Photos of cocks. Wow. Different cocks.

And he goes, have a look through that. And I said, well, I don't really want to. And he goes, no, everybody does it. You've got to have a look through. You've got to have a look through.. And I said, well, I don't really want to. And he goes, no, everybody does it. You've got to have a look through. You've got to have a look through. Take your pick. You get one of them. And then, so I'm looking through and finally he goes,

so which one are you? And I'm like, I really don't like where this is going. And I said, well, I'm a bit, oh. And he goes, come on, tell me which one are you? And he's kind of regressive about it. Has this got something to do with how much money he's going to give you for the gig? Now I'm not even worried about the money. Now I'm worried about my life.

And so then finally I've gone, oh, the big black one. And he goes, yeah, everyone picks that one. What kind of weird ritual was that? It's really odd. That's very bizarre. Also, it made me think about your penis a bit too much. Yeah.

What's been too much? About your big black penis too. I know. Well, no, it's got better. Oh. Found out there was a bit of a stoppage.

Stop slamming. Bit of a clot. A friend of mine went in. We were at a friend's beach house one week. This was years and years ago and for a joke, he just one week. This was years and years ago. And for a joke, he just one night decided, he's like, you know what?

While we're here, I'm going to go down. I'm going to get my nipple pierced while we're here at the thing. And so it was like it said it was a drunken thing. And then he got held to it. And he goes in to get it done. And as the guy was like cleaning the needles and stuff, he did a similar thing, bought out the big laminated book of all the different dick piercings that you can get done. There's a couple

of girls with us and he's handing around the vag piercings that you can get done. What an upsell. Just think if you get to the end of the nipple and that didn't hurt quite enough. Here's where you can ratchet it up a couple of notches. My ex-boyfriend pierced his own dick. He pierced his own...

Yeah. He's got his... Weird! Yeah. And I asked him why and he said it was just some sort of rite of passage. It had it coming. I punished him. The worst thing is living with someone who's like... I used to say, can't you sit down to piss because you've got two holes

and it never goes out of one of them. Like, they never both go in this bowl. So he's created a second stream. Yeah, it does. Everyone with a piercing has a second stream. I never thought about that. Adam, was it like a shotgun hole?

Yeah, if you held it, it all came out at once. Oh my God, I never thought about that. Otherwise it just dribbled. I would have just got another bowl. I would have worked out the geometric stuff. So if you pierce your ass, does the same thing happen? I've had my ass pierced a lot. It's seven minutes and 30 seconds in.

Copeland to gaze. That is it. When you consider that, that makes it... I mean, I already thought it was a pretty crazy thing to get done, get your dick pierced. But when you consider that it affects your urine, that's not a thing that should happen. I don't know.

That, you know, how can anyone get it done? The Prince Albert apparently was invented because Prince Albert, the man, was so well endowed that, you know, the British military uniform, the pants are a bit tight and we didn't know that it was it no i knew it very well like they're like they were tights basically jodhpurs kind of things and it was really obvious what was going on with prince albert and and everyone think of queen victoria's poor pounded vagina so the prince albert was designed there was a clip around the back of the pants

and the piercing would pull his dick down and around and tuck it in. Oh, really? So that there was nothing on display when he was... So he was doing the tuck? Yeah, essentially. That was more practical. It wasn't to do with pleasure. Yeah, no.

I thought you meant... Because there was a hook around it. I thought you meant it was going to be like he's out there and all the peasants are looking at A, this guy rules over them and, B, has a massive cock going, man, I'd like to put a bolt through that dick, teach that guy a lesson. Wouldn't Prince Albert was like, he was kind of, yeah, she was in charge.

He was just married to her. Like, she was the queen and he was the... I thought it might have been a bit like, you know, they said, oh, you know, he's royalty because he's got blue blood or just another thing to differentiate himself from the peasants. Have you got two holes in your dick? No.

Fuck off. That's why I'm going to cry. I'm a head dickhead. Until you said that it was to tuck it out of the way, I thought you were going along the path of, and it was really noticeable, and I thought, well, this will make it even a little bit more noticeable. We're here now.

We can put a little tiara on the end of it. This is my little cock crown. A little bell. Just a little bell so you always know when he's around. Oh, I actually really like that idea now that I think about it. Sharp. I really like that. Bring a bit of sweet music into sex.

You know, little ringing bells. Well, speaking of this weird segue, but speaking of toilets, I just went to see my mum. My mum and dad moved recently. I just went to see my mum. My mum and dad moved recently. I just went to see their new house into a toilet. Yeah, I thought that was a great segue and then I realised it sets it up like an awful segue. They've moved into the toilets in the park.

But I hadn't seen their house yet and I went there today. And it's a really nice house but they've got a couple of things they want to do to it. One thing they're going to change. You didn't help them move. No, I didn't. I was overseas. Well played.

Which my dad seems to think is something that I did deliberately to avoid. Well played. Yeah. Which, you know, I can't admit it was a coincidence. But to be fair, had I known it was happening, I still would have tried to go away for the weekend and get out of it. So he's, you know, he's picked me well. But I can't believe that this is already a thing that exists in the house.

But they've got a carpeted bathroom. Have you ever seen one of them? Yeah. So you go into the toilet and there's just carpet around it. That is not designed for someone who has a Prince Albert. No. No, not at all. It is not.

And I cannot stress enough like going to the toilet whilst being able to feel carpet under your feet, you wouldn't think it's that big of a deal but man, every bit of your body is going, this is completely wrong. You've never worn outfits? No. At least not in the toilet.

No, I always take mine off when I... Can I just clarify this? So it is a carpeted bathroom. It's not just a lounge room with a toilet. No, I mean, hey, there'd be no complaints for me if that were the case. That would be amazing. Is it fully carpeted hey, there'd be no complaints from me if that were the case. That would be amazing. Is it fully carpeted?

Is there carpet in the shower? So I'm watching TV. I'm having a darn fucking convenient. I'm actually legitimately surprised that we, as a society, have not gotten to that point yet of having the toilet in the lounge room. No, it stinks. Yeah. It's revolting.

You can find ways around that. We worked that out pretty quickly. Well, what about, you know, what about Brisbane pretty quickly. What about Brisbane where a lot of houses are built on stilts? That's different from having a toilet in the living room. Music festival style. Just have it drop down underneath the living room. That's what used to happen in the old days before we had plumbing. What you could have is you could have a toilet up against the wall

like one of those panels, secret panels. Oh, and it just pops out. Yeah, so you sit on the toilet and then it just turns around 180 degrees. And you do your business there and you pop back and you go, why don't you just wear an adult nappy and shit yourself while you're watching your Breaking Bad marathon and then clear it all out when you're done.

If you're looking for convenience, it is so close to just going, why not just shit my underpants? Just shit yourself. Well, guys, the listeners can't see this, but I'm currently rolling up a stack of architecture plans that I was about to show these guys, designs that my dad made. Just get a catheter put in and shit yourself.

Wiping your ass on them. Just call me Frank Lloyd Scheidt. Yes! Oh, my God. that is the worst. That one went bad enough but you showed us how you worked that one out. A lot more listeners just killed themselves. Frank Lloyd Shite.

I found a piece of paper with Frank Lloyd Shite. Oh, you're trying to gear on us. Is this the opening of your new show? You pop your head out of a toilet on stage. Oh, hey, now, that's something. What are all these cards?

I'm not cool. Yeah, well, yeah, for the listener there, I've got my little kind of set list for my festival show stuck up. And it's interesting that you point that out because my girlfriend before goes, you're doing the podcast. Are you going to take them down before the guests come? I'm like, no, just leave them up. And she goes, well, okay, it's up to you.

But you do know you are going to get bullied. Well, you need content. It looks like the first thing that's there is Dreamboat, then changing myself. You're adult nappy from shitting yourself on the couch. Shitting yourself five seconds into your show. Your garage sale. That's me trying to sell a living room toilet that I've designed. She's trying to sell all of the couch. You sell five seconds into your show. Yeah, garage sale. That's me trying to sell

a living room toilet that I've designed. Trying to sell all of the shit. I want to know, is that the word magnitude or is that meant to be like a play on words? Is that about someone

who drives a Magna wagon with attitude? Oh, no, it's the word. Or is that just an incorrect spelling? No, it's about a website. It's the word magnitude. Oh, okay, cool.

Boy, what a bunch of sizzle for my upcoming comedy festival show, Dreamboat. Where is your show? In Melbourne. Whereabouts is it going to be? At ACMI.

Oh, cool. So do you think you'll be able to see that list from there? Where about four suburbs away? Oh, no, sorry. I'm always getting them mixed up. The Observatory. So I'm in the room with the binoculars. It just costs me a dollar each night to put in

and be able to use the binoculars. So cheap room hire fee. That's good. If I was you, I'd just memorise it. But that's me. Why would you do that? You're a weirdo who doesn't want to shit in his living room. So what do you know?

On the drive home from my parents, I saw this. I saw a man standing at the side of his house along Punt Road, kind of dressed like kind of tradie gear, like, you know, pants with like paint splatter on them and big Oakley wrap around sunnies just playing the flute. Oh, yeah. That's a bit of a, it's kind of a cool mismatch, isn't it? No.

You said cool there. That was your mistake. Yeah. Was it a flute flute or was it a tin whistle or was it a recorder? It was like one of the big, it was like a big long kind of metal kind of. Was he playing it sideways? No, like straight down, saxophone style. No, then it's not a flute.

No, what's the, what's just the thin one? What's just the long thin one? Was he just sucking on a bomb? Is that what was going on? He had his dick out and he was working it while traffic was going on. I was like, this isn't spicy enough for the podcast. Better bring some music into it. Was he washing windows with it?

I know the guy. Was it a clarinet? Maybe that's the one I'm thinking of. Did it have like a bell on the end of it? Was it pierced? Was it coming out of two holes? This has almost turned into some Spicks and Specks territory. Someone just comes on and gives a vague description of an instrument

that they saw in the street. We have to work out what in the street Had some strings It actually sounds like a tin whistle It was just a long Was it short or long? It was long It was long and it was one of those really kind of like A lot of kind of valves and sort of stuff going on

It looked legit Was it in, what's the name? It was an alto sax Alto sax It was just like a, But it was just like a... Just a thin... Just the stick. Like no other stuff going on.

Because doesn't a sax kind of curve up and it has that... No, that's a regular sax. Oh. Alto Sax is straight. Alto Sax looks like somebody ran over a trumpet. Right, okay. Well, he's crazy. He might even still be there.

We can probably just get in the car and go ask him. It was... Or black. I believe it was brass. Brass. Yeah, it'd be an Alto Sax. It'd be an Alto Sax. Look at us it was brass. Brass. Yeah, it'd be an alto sax. Look at us knowing our instruments. I know.

Give me another one. Was it a fancy recorder? Big wooden thing with skin. Someone hitting it with a stick. That's a bass drum. Here's what I saw yesterday. I went to the library. I went to my public library in Hawthorne. Are you poor?

No. No, well. No, I just wanted to get out of the house because I'm writing a festival show. Oh, you're looking for procrastination. Yes, exactly. I sit there. You know what? If I go to the library, I can't masturbate. What a rookie. What a shit library. You pay to be a member there and you can't jack off?

Jesus. Well, I like to do it loudly. They say, get out. That's the volume. Volume of noise, not of liquid. That's why you can't use the internet there. So I went in the library and they had like a little display as I walked in. Their display, you know, usually they'll have like a book club or whatever it is.

The display they've got in my library this week is they're selling gym memberships. Oh. So they've got, they had six guys from the gym. And as you walked in, they're like, hey, guys, what about, you like to work out? Why don't you come and come to the gym? So the council owns the gym, obviously. Yeah. How's that for a terrible Venn diagram?

People who go to the public library. Well, they probably need to go to the gym. Sure, they need to go, but they're not going. It's like you said, you're poor. Well, the people that are coming into the library, they can't afford a book. Why are they going to buy a gym? They can't afford the internet.

Conversely, are the librarians down at the Sports centre just going Wuthering Heights? Because you did hear a story It was a book first Carl, you had a story a little while ago about Seeing someone on a treadmill at your gym With two books, wasn't it?

So maybe that was an early thing of that Maybe they've been in cahoots for longer than you think two books so they've somehow got their eyes working independently

of each other reading two books at the same time no they had two big thick books in case like they finished one in case they were

going to ride for like 70 kilometres in case they ran all the way to the end of Hogwarts yeah yeah yeah I think they're reading rocky i like to imagine they had two books because one of them was in another language and

they needed the english to whatever language it was dictionary to look up the words or they're just not very good at reading the other one was just a dictionary yeah yeah no it was like it was yeah in case they run out or in case they got bored with one of them. As though on an exercise bike. I read comics at the gym. Do you? Yeah. In what, what are you doing at the time?

In the spa. Right. He goes, he goes, gets in the spa, reads a comic and goes, well, that was a workout. That's exhausting. I think I've mentioned this before, but I have actually listened to a podcast with Fleety on it, Greg Fleet on it, in the gym.

And I was like, oh, I should skip this. And then I thought, no, this is a good motivation to get myself in shape and live clean. Live healthy. No, I read them on the cross trainer. I do the cross trainer. Reading for me at the gym, I find that, I don't know, I couldn't do that.

And that seems like such an easy thing for a guy that goes to the gym. Like it's just forming a bully before your eyes. You're working out and you're reading a comic book. Someone's going to come along and go, nerd, and just hit you with a barbell short. People still say nerd. I'm reading them on my iPad. No one can tell.

Oh, right. It's a secret comment. I read on the recumbent bike, you know, because it's – I'll read the paper or – I get bored otherwise. Like, I hate the gym. And eventually I'm hoping to be able to work up to reading on my proper bike. That's not a bad idea.

Get the words printed on kind of like transparent paper. So, you know, you can see the words, but you can still see through the words. Do you know what I mean? You can do that on the Google Glass. Yes. You could read a book while you rode your bike. And I'm going to need a toilet on my bike as well.

Take a dump while going for a bike ride. So many good ideas in this. This is like the new inventors. This is so good. Would the bike have a bidet so you didn't have to bother wiping? So you're like douche as you go. I like the idea that we're hosting the new inventors and just because they see what gets up every week,

people are then designing for the show. So every week they're just bringing in new things to shit in. A cigarette that you can shit in. A cigarette that you can shit in. What if this the gym memberships at the library what if this is like, what if they're just kind of there to like train up the librarians

to kind of, what if librarians now are going to be out in the street being more aggressive in the way that gym memberships are. You know what I mean? You're just going to be at the train station and see a bunch of people in cardigans coming at you. But it was dumb because it was like there's old people in the library that can't buy a newspaper, so they come into the library for that. It's that sort of demo.

And then you've got these – honestly, there were six gym dudes in there and they were being really loud as well. They're like, come on, come in here and you get a healthy lifestyle and get those pecs going. Gym people, it's like they're in a cult and they think that everyone wants to be as healthy as they are. And they don't realise that we like chips and we don't like moving. Yeah. Like there is like a weird, like Michelle, I remember I met Michelle Bridges on that.

Clang. That's an actual clang. And I was saying like what what is it like why do you want why are you so obsessed with making other people healthy like why can't you just go i'm healthy and the people that want to be healthy that's fine but it's almost like they're missionaries or evangelists she's got nothing else to do did you like say that to her and she was like yeah you're right and then she she just kind of faded into nothing. Like, no, my whole reason to be here.

She's totally committed to it. She's totally into it. I think she's the only reason Penguin Books is still in publication. They sell gazillions of Michelle Bridges. Hey, come on. And so now there's your nexus between books and gym. That's why they're going to the gym. They're looking for Michelle Bridges.

Yeah. Well, the owner of my gym was recently murdered. Oh. Yeah. By Michelle Bridges? No, by Penguin Books. No. Which I was talking to you, Tommy, about it.

And it was like, yeah, it's not a very good ad for the gym Is it? It's not a very good ad for Well I think someone kidnapped him Kidnapped him? And murdered him Which means the gym didn't work properly

For him Surely Hey we've all been there with those high membership prices. Am I right? Yeah. That's up there on the cue card. Expensive gym membership. I want to go into a gym.

If I'm going to a gym, I want to minimum be kidnap proof. I want to be strong enough to hold off kidnappers. I imagine if there's one gym guy and about 16 other people who he owes money to for steroids. There's no saying no to those people. But maybe the kidnappers, they trained at the gym. And that's the reason they were able to pull off this kidnap. At his gym. At his gym.

So the students took the pebble from the muscular hand. Yeah, and then blew the pebble's brains out in the forest somewhere. Yeah. This library, is that the one in Glenferry Road? Yes. Oh, right, because my mother goes there and if anybody goes near my mother and says they want to join the gym, I'll come around and show them how I go to the gym.

Yeah. Well, basically I'll just do a shit on them. In the comfort of your living room. The first time I went to my gym, someone had done a shit on the floor. What? Like the cubicle in the men's toilets is quite small. Oh, okay. And some obviously really muscly guy hadn't quite,

he couldn't sit down or something. He'd be wedged in. He couldn't get his ass in. I don't think you can quite get in the toilet cubicle because there's this shit just like half on the seat, half on the floor. And I'm like, how do you miss that badly? Like how do you miss the toilet that badly that you shit on the seat

and the floor? Yeah, and lucky you came in afterwards, too, not while he was just standing there going. Can you help me out? I'm really numb behind me. Am I shitting? I don't know if I'm sitting down or not. I went and sold some stuff at a market a couple of weeks ago that was,

you know, a lot of them held in primary schools. And I needed to go to the toilet midway through that. But, of course, because it's a primary school, it's all those like really tiny little toilets. And it's like the not to be too, I need to do number two and I'm looking at this tiny

Now you're getting precious about saying the word two. Why should we be surprised given like 80% of this podcast has been about number two? That's what you needed to do. I think I just had a stroke and forgot the last 20 minutes. Did you put up your hand and ask for permission? I need to do a number two.

Yeah, I need to get a hall pass to go through the rest of the market. But you know, I'm looking at it. I'm looking at this tiny toilet and I'm thinking, oh look, I mean this isn't ideal but you know, I can, and then I sat on it and it was just like I think barely half of my ass was on it. Like it was just, I was like, nah

this is wrong. I can't do this. Surely it would have been easier to shit because apparently it's easier to shit if your knees are up a bit higher, like if you're squatting, squatting. Who did that study? Best way to iron him is if you go camping, hang out of a tree. And just all you've got to do is make sure that you're not going to actually get down into that.

But that's wonderful. I love the idea of that. Liberating. Yeah. What about like zero gravity? It's like floating around. That's the best thing. That's the best thing about going into space.

Is that one of the deleted scenes from Gravity? When Sandra Bullock does a shit in space? Boy, we can only hope. when Sandra Bullock does a shit in space. Boy, we can only hope. Mate of mine, when we were staying at Squeaky Beach, he said to me when he was younger, he was at Anglesey Beach and he said he had a shit in the ocean. And I said, really, what was that like?

And he said it kind of rolled up his back. Oh. I've gone too far. No, that means he's eating plenty of fibre. That's good. Yes, exactly. If it started floating Yeah but Floating shit's a good shit

I can imagine the sensation I'd be weird I'd be weird So your idea Is hanging out of a tree So you What you're Holding onto a branch

In there Yeah Or you've hooked Your ovals around Oh Time dog did not like that one That's enough of the shit talk I mean you could be hanging yourself from the tree

Because supposedly you empty your bowels When you die so that's one way of doing it That's one positive way we can walk down at the moment What's been talked about more Shit or suicide On this podcast so far Hey the two S's. Am I right?

This is not broadcastable. You can't broadcast this. But yeah, you do. You hang out of the tree and it's quite liberating. What if that became like the new planking? Shitting out of the tree. Shitting. Yeah, people uploading videos of themselves just like hanging onto a tree.

Dropping a turd from a tree. Dropping a turd from a tree. Hey, it could happen. Yeah. 16-year-olds got to have something to do. Well, now that everyone's gone cold on the neck nominate. I was going to say, I neck nominate every listener of this podcast to hang out of a tree and do a shit.

There we go. Neck nominate nearly went as fast as bit strips, didn't it? Oh, yeah. Those goddamn bit strips. Shout out to everyone listening to this in two years' time who has no idea what they're talking about. Yeah, well, hopefully it's all come back around. Hopefully the guy that works at McDonald's

has just started listening to us in like 2016, gone, oh, give it a go. What the fuck is this? Yeah, it gets back on the nostalgia kick. I love when podcasts become nostalgic. Wouldn't that be nice? When we're like retro. When is it two years when we're, you know,

doing Breakfast Radio nationally and it's like, oh, how did they get there again? Oh, that's right. That's when they're talking about killing themselves and taking shits everywhere they went. Oh, Stereo went, we've got to get a piece of this. If you and I ever do get a serious job, we're going to need to like find some way to bring down the whole internet

and just erase every existing recording of this show. Because the amount of stuff that's out there in the public domain of UI is not good. That's not going to happen. Also, the other thing, no one's going to hear this. It's fine. Ah, shit.

Foiled again. But yeah, So we do have Shows coming up In the comedy festival And I'm I was I was very pleased To see this

Come up in the Let's say it's in the news You've You've downgraded yourself Finally To being the co-host Of the little Dumb Dumb Club on you

Oh yeah No No there's It's a bit of a Usually you guys I don't know if you've ever seen a Tommy Daslow post, but it's always like the host. He's the host of the Little Dumb Dumb Club. Oh, so you're like Paul Schaefer.

Yeah, yeah. But I... I'm Heather Locklear on Miller and Slate. You're like Peter Hellier on Roche. I kind of do that thinking that we should both just put host. Yeah. Because like co-host makes it sound like neither of us is doing the heavy job. Well, we're both doing the heavy job.

So I don't know why we can't just put host. Well, you're doing it fortnightly. But through no, yeah. But through no, well, the way it started was through no, like we didn't discuss this at all. It was the first year that we did shows after starting the podcast. I thought, well, I mean, you know, we both host it, so we can both just put host.

You unbeknownst to me put co-host, which then made it look like it was like a thing that – so now – so I've stuck with it, and you, loving it, have also stuck with it. But this year it's a bit of a mixed bag. There's a couple out there. There's a couple of things of press that have co-hosts and there's a couple of things that have hosts. I know. Why have you gone half-half?

I don't know. I think it was buckling to public pressure. It was standing my ground. Public pressure. Is this something you could have probably discussed before we got here? I told you I was going to talk about this, guys, and I wanted you to have ten minutes

on an each. This is fascinating. Yeah, anyway, it's out there. There's some stuff out there. You say in the news. Adam and I, we're not co-hosting at the moment. We're guesting. Yeah, co-guesting. Co-guesting.

Hey, you guys can fight it out for who's alpha guest if you want. I'll just be guest star and Brad can be special guest star because I've been on the show before, but this is his first time. Yeah. So you can be special. Okay. So, by the way, there was nothing in the green room. There were no sandwiches.

There was nothing in the green room. Hey, you got some water? There was a toilet in the green room, though. That was convenient. Let's talk about this. Adam's brought along some chips for us to enjoy that no one's touched yet. But they're in a little Ziploc bag. They're in a Costanza bag.

I know. No, I did a trial show this afternoon and I over-catered. So I just emptied one of my bowls of chips into a plastic bag. No way of us knowing what flavour we got there. It's salt. Salt. Salt and starch. Scrape the vinegar off, huh?

Yeah. It's like dimsums are a and starch. Scrape the vinegar off, huh? Yeah. It's like dimsums are a good way to eat soy sauce. Yeah. Hey, I was at a family wedding last weekend that was good fun, good time. Took place on a Sunday, though, which you can't help but feel like that's a bit of a deliberate, you know. It's cheap. I don't want to say stuff about my family but a bit of a, yeah.

Do you know what's even cheaper? A bike hands up. When you go to a Friday wedding, you just go, these fucking tight asses. No, but that's Friday night so you've got the whole weekend. No, no, no, but like it's cheaper at the reception centre. Wow, okay. Yeah, what about when you go to a wedding that's at another wedding?

What do you mean at another wedding? People just go, yeah, turn up, be there, fuck, yeah, just blend in. Yeah, just fuck, that's right. It's a good way to do it. It's funny you say that because I was talking about this recently. I went to a friend's engagement drinks that turned into a surprise wedding and I love that as a move

but I was saying because it's like once someone in your group of friends does that, you then, no one else in the group of friends can do it, because it's like, you know, it's like, ah, no, he's done it. It's not going to be as cool. But that's how I can one-up it. Next friend who gets married, I just bring, I just sneak a celebrant in, and just get married in the middle of a friend's wedding. That's what you do. They put a toilet in the middle of their wedding. What you do is you find out, say you get invited to a wedding and you go,

right, I'm going to put my wedding in that wedding. Okay, so you're over one side of the park, It's an inception wedding. It's like a turducken of love. And then all you do is you say to your friends

that they're a flash mob. Oh, yeah. And you just go... Another great current reference, yep. Yeah, and at some point just everybody jumps up and sings, I don't know, fucking I Will Survive or whatever. Grease Lightning. Slam the bar and get out of there.

What if you did that? What if it was a decoy wedding? So you're going to two people and you think they're getting married. All of a sudden, just before they do the vows, someone up the back goes, hey, gotcha, it's really us getting married. And then the two people you thought were getting married were like, we don't even like each other. And they have to turn around.

And they peel off their faces and they're both Clive Palmer. Do you know what? I love going to weddings, but you always get, you know, there's always that weird mix of people. You're like, I don't know these people. These people are weird. And you get cornered by someone. And you're like i need to get out of here and escape exactly what i was about to get to but do you do you remember that wedding steph toric's wedding on the boat

in sydney yes i got cornered by some drunken woman who was trying to have sex with me clearly missing the fact that i'm the worst homo on the face of the earth. And she would not leave me alone. You could have had sex with me. Yeah. Well, yeah. But we're stuck on this boat and she kept following me around the boat as we're going in circles and circles around Sydney Harbour.

And I was at one point going, how much trouble would I get in if I just push her in the water? I got, at my cousin's wedding, I got cornered by a spitter, How much trouble would I get in if I just push her in the water? At my cousin's wedding, I got cornered by a spitter, a family friend who's a real spitter. So he came over. He would have been like being on the boat. Yeah, yeah.

I was sitting down and he came and the first thing he said to me, just this spray, and he was standing, the light was kind of behind him so it was perfectly illuminated this just torrent that came out of him. Did he come up and say she sells seashells? Because that's just not on. But again, that's the thing. Was she from Sassafras? I remember thinking as he said it, I was like, there wasn't even like a juicy sentence.

Like there was no, there weren't many S's in that. There's no excuse for this. So he, you know, so it happened once. Juicy sentence. So that happened the first time and I thought, oh, that's an embarrassing thing. He must have caught that. He kept talking for like another couple of minutes and honestly every time he opened his mouth,

spit just went everywhere. And it was to the point where you're looking at him going, how can you not be seeing and feeling this coming out of your mouth like this is and so i just got my girlfriend a cocktail from the bar i'm standing there and i was about to give it to her when he came along and she obviously hadn't been able to see the spit as well as i could so it's like going all over the glass and in the drink and then midway through she's like oh yeah is that the cocktail for me can i have it i'm like trying to just go don't take it oh no

I think this oh no it's twice as full as it normally was yeah trying to say without him to be fair

the umbrella should have saved it you know what you should do and I invented this in the comedy festival many years ago and when you're at an occasion like that

always have two drinks yes oh yeah always have two drinks. Yes. Oh, yeah. Always have two drinks. Always have two drinks because the moment somebody is undesirable, you can go, that's great, Uncle Spit, but I have to get this drink over to my girlfriend and I'll be straight back. But this is Shazam, you're out of there.

Yeah. Right? Or you could have thrown your girlfriend under the bus. You could have gone, you know what, You could have gone You know what Uncle Spit You know what you're saying It's funny because my girlfriend Has exactly the same opinions about UFOs And you're out of there

Look you can make up for it later Or have a helicopter extraction They're expensive Do you know what This is why I'm an arsehole Because in those instances I can quite happily go You're spitting all over me

And people go Oh he's hilarious He's gay They're rude It's very funny Everyone just accepts it That I'm an arsehole It's like

Oh Adam told the spitting guy He spat on him Well I mean Even beyond that I was still Because ithole. It's like, oh, Adam told the spitting guy he spat on him. Well, I mean, even beyond that, I was still like, because it just went on for so long, I was just trying to think, what's the threshold here where it's just okay for me to go, dude, seriously, this is insane. Please stop doing this.

Was it? Because I have this weird spit that comes from way back in the back of my throat, like my actual saliva glands. Yeah. And if there's food, like say there's food here, it will just start shooting out of my mouth trying to digest the food in my hand. Are you a predator? It's a weird thing.

That's alien. Yeah, that's more alien. It's really odd. It's when I'm really hungry, it just starts jetting out. A little tiny Adam Richard comes out of your mouth and just starts nibbling at the donut. Yeah. Yeah, no, it just starts jetting out. A little tiny Adam Richard comes out of your mouth and just starts nibbling at the donut. Yeah. Yeah, no, it was full.

I mean, it was a full spray. It wasn't just a contained little glob. It was like a sea breeze. It was a real mist. Was it foamy or was it? No, it was just misty. Yeah, that's from the back of the throat. That's like my one.

This is an older guy. He wanted to eat you. He was trying to digest Desolo. That's from the back of the throat. That's like my one. This is an older guy. He wanted to eat you. He was trying to digest Dassolo. Hey, better men than him have tried. He just heard the last name Dassolo and thought, oh, this will be a nice little spicy Italian dish. Little was he to know that he was really just having a bloody... Bit of beetroot.

Bit of beetroot and pineapple and egg. Classic Australian ingredients. And ham. You could be subtle. You could say to them, I think you're dehydrating. Yeah, that's a good one. No, what I did, which I think was the right thing to do, I copped it and then I just kind of went around,

because I was a bit drunk by this point, just went around the rest of the party just going, that guy is spitting on everyone. Probably not the, you know, all better options that I've been presented with, but I stand by my choice. See, I like being able to say to people's faces, you're spitting on

me. And then when I go and tell everyone, I'm like, oh, you know, I told him as well. But anyway, he's spitting on everyone. Yeah, point. Another faux pas. Another faux pas I was involved in. So my uncle gave a speech at the reception and he was quite nervous. He's not like much for public speaking so he was really,

really nervous before it. And then he did his speech and it was great. You couldn't tell he was nervous at all. It was really nice. It was really funny. So I went up to him afterwards and I said, oh, that speech was really, really nice. And my uncle's got this thing, I don't know if it's with everyone or just with me but like everything I say to him he

assumes he's getting shit hung on him so he just he just immediately goes on the offensive no matter what you say to him so I was like hey that speech was really nice and he's like oh yeah good one I'm like no and so I then had to kind of go a bit harder with the compliment I'm like oh no seriously like it was really nice and I know you were nervous and like you know the father of the bride who spoke before you i mean he like you could tell he was nervous like he was shaking a lot you could see that note shaking in his hand and my uncle goes mate he's got parkinson's like and then just and then just there's a bunch of people around and my uncle starts going how's bloody tommy here just ripping on the parkinson's bloat and i'm like this started with me trying to give you a compliment

and make you fit. And so then it's just my family standing around going, Jesus Christ, mate, like, how are you going? The Parkinson bloke was probably just shaking to get all the spit off him. But, like, you know, I was telling – I was talking to my girlfriend about this later and she's like, couldn't you tell he had – he so obviously had Parkinson's. I'm like, what?

Because he's giving a speech and he's holding a piece of paper in his hand shaking yeah like that's how is that obvious yeah i'm more interested in the guy camouflage scene huh that's that's how someone with parkinson blends in yeah by doing speeches doing a speech all the time i'm more interested in this guy who thinks everyone's – is it that he thinks everyone's hanging shit on him all the time or just you? No, I think he's – I think it's mostly me. I think it's like specifically me. See, because that worries me. That makes me think that he has been told you're a comedian.

He doesn't think you're particularly funny, so he's assuming that everything you're saying is shit-taking. No, no, we're very close. Like I get on very well with him. Like we're very close. Sweeter. Yeah, yeah. I think he does just – very close. Like, I get on very well with him. Like, we're very close. Sweet. Yeah, yeah. I think he does just, he just thinks every time I open my mouth.

And maybe. Oh, the comedian's having a go again. He's having a go. Maybe the spit guy knows you're a comedian as well and doesn't do that to anyone else. He's just spitting on you because you're a comedian. I left my box of tomatoes at home. Before this guy starts hanging shit on me, I'll get to him first. Maybe he's trying to get you back for all the people you've spat on at gigs.

Yeah, maybe. Because we all spit on people at gigs. Yeah. I've spat on so many people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's especially because like I was saying, like it was very like how this guy didn't notice. Because especially you notice on stage because you've got the light on you

and you see the flex go out. And it's almost like it goes in slow motion. Like, whoa, there it goes, out into the front row. Have you ever seen that one too where you watch it and it goes very slowly and you watch it go towards someone who's looking so trustfully at you and all of a sudden their eye shuts and you go, bam, right in the eye, my saliva, my shalim.

And the worst thing is if you bring it up. I've seen that look on people's faces but nothing to do with saliva. Yeah, that's true. It's usually my own face. There's no one else there. But, you know, whenever you bring it up, if you say, oh, I'm sorry, I think I just spat on you, invariably you do it about 12 more times in that gig.

It's like, I can't mention it every time. I'm not going to get any gear out. What's your threshold for it? Because, you know, sometimes a little bit comes out and you see like maybe one or so people down the front notice it and you go, this is okay. There's no need to derail the gig for this. What's your threshold for having to stop and go, okay, guys,

I just hocked one up all over. It depends where you are. Like if you're in the middle of an anecdote, then you want to get to the end of that. But if you're in one of those, you know, what I like to call the bridging chats where you're trying to remember what the end of that. But if you're in one of those, you know what I like to call the bridging chats where you're trying to remember what the next bit is? Yeah.

If it's there, go for it. I think that there's – because I don't stand up comedy for quite some time. Nearly six months now. Yes. And it's my second longest gig. Good luck in Raw next week, by the way. Yes, I'm doing three spots in Raw. But I think that you sense, just by people's body language,

when everybody else is saying it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's when you own up to it. Otherwise, it's like farting in a lift. Yeah, it is one of those things. Sometimes it's more perceptible to you than it is to anyone else but yeah if you can feel

half the audience go but it's like it's like a tremor if the people around all react as well like three people back then you go oh okay that was

that was a bad one when you fart in a lift you know the worst thing you can say if you fart in a lift there's a whole lot of people just say it could be any one of us

they should have toilets in these things say, it could be any one of us. They should have toilets in these things. That was the callback to Endor. Callbacks, actually. How did the physics of that work? Why isn't that a question? See, you know, like you... I love that he's gone straight to how do you install the toilet in the lift. He doesn't care about the bizarre surreal lift toilet.

Like your maths questions are always, in high school, are always like, if a train leaves a station travelling this fast, it should be, there's a toilet in a lift, the lift is going up the floors, but a shit is going down from underneath the lift. If you're under that lift, how quickly until you get a turd on your head? I would have worked that out. I would have found that funny. I would have wanted to know that.

There'd be a reservoir and you'd empty it. Probably in reservoir. Yeah, but I still don't understand why when I'm on a plane and look, I'm reasonably intelligent. I've been in libraries. You've worked out then. Where's the bloody treadmill? That's the new thing.

If someone comes up, you're looking good. I read a lot. Where's the bloody treadmill? That's the new thing. If someone comes up, you're looking good. I read a lot. But you know when you're on a plane and there's a fly and the plane's doing 600 kilometres an hour. Yeah.

Why is the fly not pinned against the back of the plane? People have explained it to me and I'll never understand. It's some physics thing. Yeah, I don't get it either. You mean the same thing as like if you're on the plane and like if you're at the front of the plane and if you just jump, how come you're not a second later just like back at the back of the plane?

Or how can I throw a grape at the back of somebody's head that I don't like on the plane? And why doesn't the grape just go pew behind me instead of, you know? It's going to happen. I think you're overlooking the miracle of flight. I bet no one thought this is where we'd end up. You know, ten minutes into the podcast

we're talking about shitting ourselves. I bet they'll get to physics eventually. I'll get it back to shit. Don't worry about that. But they do have toilets on planes. Why don't they have them everywhere else? Absolutely. Yeah. um you saying about you said raw comedy we're doing the spitting thing that reminds me my very very first gig was

at raw comedy and what and we were talking about this before the show started just that idea of your very first gig is such a weird idea to think i'm going to get up there i'm going to talk to everyone they're all going to relate to what i'm talking about i've never done this before i am pretty sure this is all going to be funny to everyone. And one of my setups to a joke was in front of 100 people, you know when you're having sex and like, you know, like your girlfriend's spitting in your face? What?

And everyone just went, no, we don't know that. Why is your girlfriend spitting in your face? That was just a thing that I thought people would know about. It's just a thing you say to fit in, you know? Like is she deliberately or accidentally? Was she doing a gig? Is she trying to do a gig at Sexpo? She's probably a little bit annoyed.

It was a gig at Sexpo. Did this actually happen to you? Did you actually have a girlfriend who did that? I had it happen before. Really? And I'd seen it on a few risque movies before. And I sort of thought, oh, this is... I've seen it in the film.

Yeah, yes. It happens all the time in the film. Yeah. And I thought, this is a thing that everyone's aware of. But just to go back, this has happened to you in sex. A woman spat on your face during sex. Gee, that's a poor review. That's one star.

To me, that speaks to her being so frustrated by your personality during the day on the first date going, God, I hate this guy. I can't wait to have sex with him and just really unleash on his face. Spit on him. Yeah. Turt. Turt.

She didn't mishear you. You didn't say, I want you to shit on me. Was she German? She said, there's no toilet here, though. So what's your reaction when the first time that happened to you? Was there any build-up? Was there any like, get ready for me to spit on you, babe? No, I think

There was I don't want to really Go in too much into it But You said it in your first gig Mate I know Come on mate

And now you don't want To go into it Mate if you want to host This bad boy one day Step up from the shadows And tell us a sex story I'm just showing away Because that's my whole show

This year at the festival Carl Chandler spits on you During sex Oh you spit on her No no no There was We won't go into the whole story my whole show this year at the festival that Carl Chandler spits on you during sex. Oh, you spit on her? No, no, no. There was... We won't go into the whole story. Was there mutual spitting?

There was... He's on top. There was... There was liquids involved. Was a small part of you on fire? Oh my God, your iPad. She tried something else to put it out.

Oh, did she wee on you as well? Oh, I see. Oh my God, your iPad. She tried something else to put it out. Did she wee on you as well? Oh, I see. Oh my God. She threw a blanket on him. Was she spitting Carl back at you? No. Guys, it might take us three hours, but I promise you eventually if we keep this up,

we will get the truth out. It's just a matter of persistence. Let's waterboard him. That's what she called it. When you say she was spitting on you, were you felching her? Oh boy. No. We did just a matter of persistence. Let's waterboard him. That's what she called it. When you say she was spitting on you, were you felching her? Oh, boy. No.

Oh, that's out. No one does that anymore, do they? I don't think this is too much information to want. Did you keep going? You just rolled with it? You just kept the intercourse going? You didn't go, well, that's me out. This is weird.

That's me out. You know, like you getting spat on at the party. You just sort of rolled with it. No, that family friend wasn't having sex with me when he spat on me. But you didn't say to him, you're spitting on me. Stop spitting on me. You just dealt with it.

Yeah, but if we'd been fucking, I would have. Would you have? Yeah. Stop spitting on me. I mean, if this old man had been fucking me at my cousin's wedding, to be honest, I think I'd have bigger concerns than being spat on during the act. But yeah, if my girlfriend just mid-coitus one time just spat on me,

I'd have to go, what's this about? If that old guy was fucking you at the wedding and you think, oh, my God, how degrading. Oh my God. This keeps getting worse. And he's spitting on me. This is meant to be a beautiful day. Now I want to know how the joke went.

How did it finish? I can't remember. It's all you remember. You've got a lot of good options from the three of us. Yeah, they were all better than that. It was that thing where I said it and then no one related to it and they were just like, that's just you remember. You've got a lot of good options from the three of us. Yeah, yeah, they were all better than that. It was that thing where I said it and then no one related to it and they were just like, that's just really weird. It's good to get that out of the way that once though, isn't it?

Your girlfriend's at the gig, she's just like, woo, yeah. No, I remember now. I don't remember the joke, but I remember this pertinent little bit of trivia. You were the MC at my first ever gig. Yeah, I believe we talked about this last time, I think. Yeah, right, right, right. Because, yeah, so with a gig full of that, I think I walked up to you afterwards and went,

oh, what do you think? And you were like, oh, you know, great. You can keep going if you like or, you know. Stop spitting on me. Or never come here again. Yeah, I remember it wasn't a very... I have explained a number of times how I feel about one-liner comedians. Yes.

I thought I would have really got you with the old spitting in the face material, though. That's a classic. Yeah, that's a... It's a weird one. It's funny that because you went from straight talking, hey, that guy's spitting on me, to obviously being quite obtuse there in your response to a young and impressionable Carl Chandler. I know.

Well, he wasn't that good. And it's out now. Thank God. The great Charlie Chuckles. And the elephant is in the room. Hey, look. Six people got through the next round that day. I'm sure I was seventh on the list. I'm sure I was just behind.

Your name was on the list and then a bit of spit kind of wiped the ink off. Rural comedies, I mean, the MC doesn't have really any say over who goes through. Yes. You're talking shit while they're judging. Except on that day. Special request. Spitting during sex. Where was it?

It was at the Evelyn. Oh, that palace. That palace. What a great place to start. Well, I never used to hear the acts because I was backstage. Yeah. You know, I hosted Raw there once and I forgot the name of the first person I was going to bring out. I thought, God, this is their first gig and I can't do that.

Yeah. So being an old, wily old tactician, I orchestrated a fight with a girl on the front row just to, you know, and she insulted me and called me fat and I stormed off.

And I stormed backstage and there was all these like shitting themselves people who've never done comedy before. Because there was no toilet back then. I'm like, God, the MC's just

fucking walked off stage and I walked off and I went right that's it I'm going what's your name again

right and then just popped back out there I love it I like how that's your game plan you're like somehow you

forgot the name of the contestant so you went right I'll just manoeuvre away to get someone in the front row

to call me fat how do you set that up? You just took your shirt off, wobbled your gut around a bit in front of her and let nature take its course. No, I just said to her, F-A-T. She goes, fat. And I'm going, right, fuck you. I like that if that was the first time you'd done that

and you realised it worked and then you're never looking at line-ups again because you realise it's that easy. And so within a minute on stage you're like, oh, I haven't looked at the line-up. Oh, fuck you, you dumb old cunt. Oh, what, I'm fat? Oh, I've got to go have a look again. I do this thing where I'll say,

are you ready for the next act? And generally people will go, oh, yeah. What do people say? Are you ready for the next act? But no, this is my trick. I go, are you ready for the next act? Or for the first act? And they're like,, oh yeah. What do people say? Are you ready for the next act? But no, this is my trick. I go, are you ready for the next act? And I'm, oh, for the first act. And they're like, oh yeah. And I'm like,

well, that's not enough. I'm going to go out and I'm going to come back and I want you to applaud like there's no tomorrow. And then I'm bringing on the first act. And while I'm out there, I'm going to look at their name on the list. It's funny that, isn't it? You know, sometimes I'm watching an MC,

particularly at those really long shows where there's 12 open micers or something like that. I'm watching the MC and you see them start to babble. And I'm thinking to myself, just go and fucking look, mate. You know, because you're desperately searching in your mind, you're going, Wendy, Wendy, Wendy, Wendy, Wendy, Wendy.

It's not even a woman. What? Not even a woman. Well, listeners, now that you've seen Behind the Curtain, if you're ever at a gig and you see Brad Oaks or Adam Richard hosting and they walk off stage, just there's a moment where you can give it a bit of, he's forgotten the name. The worst thing was once I did it at the Comics Lounge and the person who was back there saw me come off

and just yelled their name at me before I even got to the bit of paper. I'm like, oh, you know. I got so adept and so into storming off stage for a while that sometimes I'd be halfway home and I'd go, fuck, hang on. Come back. I've always loved the Brad Oaks storm off stage. It's hilarious. And then throwing down the microphone to then yell at the audience,

which is all, you know, just you going... Where I use my lungs. Yeah, where you go, yeah, I can freaking project to the back of this room. Don't you worry about that, sunshine. Yeah, do you know whenever I do that too, because one of my favourite things is when I... Sometimes when I, sometimes when I just don't use the amplification

and I'll say, can you hear me? And people go, speak up. And I go, what did you say? And they go, speak up. And I go, check mate. You fucking heard me. Because my argument is, no, I'm not going to speak up.

Listen harder. Stop looking at your phone. Stop chatting to your mates. Stop swizzling your ice around in your drink. Stop spitting in that guy's face. Stop having a shit for Christ's sake. Go and join a fucking library at a gym or something. The master of callbacks.

Well, it didn't make any sense, but that's technically correct. People, I mean, just to bring home how great you are at projection, people listening at home, you're not even doing this into a microphone. You are doing this live outside our listeners' houses right now and they're actually hearing you project from suburbs, possibly even countries away. I'm actually doing this from Albury. I'm standing next to another comedian who's going, what?

Well, guys, I think that is about all the time we have for the little Dum Dum Club for this week. Brad Oaks, Adam Richard, thank you very much for joining us. Thank you. Oaks, are you doing comedy festival stuff? Yes, I'm not actually doing a comedy festival show, but I'm working with some great people on their great shows. Des Downing, Tommy Little,

Dave O'Neill, various other people and yeah, I'll be just popping up and introducing people and forgetting their names. All three of their shows have references to people

hanging from a tree and doing a shit so that's a nice little three colours oaksie that you can look out for. No, they haven't. Three colours all brown. It's like the Hitchcock

walking through his movies. Yeah. I did that in a Jamal show. He got me to walk through the back and just stop and do the Hitchcock thing and just look. Oh, really? That's great.

I love that. Cheers. Thanks, guys. Adam, you have got your Gaypocalypse show starting, is it this week in Adelaide? Yeah, Tuesday it starts. Tuesday. Well, you'll be on by the time this comes out.

I'll be on in Adelaide and then I'm on in Melbourne and you. Awesome. And then going to Sydney. Awesome. She's just eating chips right in front of them. I'm glad I bought those chips now. We've got I'm in Brisbane right now doing my show Dreamboat. It's on until Sunday at the Brisbane Powerhouse.

Not if you're the McDonald's kid that's listening to this two years in advance. He's already gone. Come and see my 2016 show. Spooflord. Spooflord. You're doing a show called Spooflord.

Thank God you're here and knocking on your door right now to get you to... Boy, I'd love to see what kind of costume the Spoof Lord. I think someone would thank God you're here and knocking on your door right now to get you to... Boy, I'd love to see what kind of costume the Spoof Lord wears. I wanted your show to be called The Wedding Spitter.

Oh, yeah. Okay. Well, one or two. I'll do one. Spoof Lord's like kind of my commercial like bringing the big crowds and then The Wedding Spitter

is kind of like my artsy sort of like to play. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We've got two years to think about this. Saturday, this Saturday March the 8th at the Southside Tea Room, 4pm, live little Dum Dum Club is happening.

Big guests confirmed. It's going to be so much fun. There should be a couple of tickets on the door, but do book because it's filling up pretty quickly. I think we're going to be pretty jam-packed down there. Yep, and don't forget, my solo show is on at 5.30 straight afterwards. If you want to hang around for that, it's only $8. It will be worth nearly all of that.

Nearly $7.50. Yeah. Are you talking about the girl that you spat on her face? I want to know how that joke goes. No. No. I'll think of it. Hey, work it out.

Somewhere. Your 2016 show Carl Chandler I spit on your face Yeah Spit on my face And tell me that you love me Yeah and then

Hey and the poster can just be like A sort of topless you So it's as if the viewer is kind of Looking down on you in the boudoir And they can just spit away Yeah Laminated posters Yeah

Followed by Coming right up Spoof Lord Double bill Double bill Feel free to just talk into that mic That you're holding Sorry posters coming right up split floor double bill my face double bill feel free to just talk into that mic

that you're holding sorry my first time on a podcast I can have a I can have a target on my face yeah I love it

also Melbourne Comedy Festival stuff is on sale we're doing four live podcasts every Sunday afternoon we've both got

our own shows littledumbdumbclub.com for all the details and tickets. And don't forget, if you come into Melbourne, if you get any, there's still season tickets on sale on our website, which is $60 for all four shows. Plus, don't forget, everyone, we've got our drunk cast on the last night of the festival. The drunk cast.

The present company is very much invited to that. Final night of the comedy festival. Hey, here's a bit of sizzle for it. I told you about this. I received a voicemail message from a known celebrity that I cannot play on the show, but I will play at the drunk cast, the unrecorded drunk cast. If you want to hear that, a bit of sizzle, there you go. Yeah, if you want to come and see people very, very drunk on the last night of the festival,

and if you want to be someone like last year and just spew everywhere as well as an audience member, come along and do that. It's going to be quite a show. I could do both. Great. Finally. Could I take a shit? Will there be a toilet on the stage?

Oh, there's a lot of shitting on the stage. Don't you worry about that. There's a toilet on the stage at the hi-fi bar. What about the shelf? No, it's at the back. It's on there. That would be a good thing. You could have everybody lined up

and you have to guess who's behind the table. Who's doing a shit on stage. You could probably get away with it. Yeah, sit behind the table and yeah, okay. Okay. Guys, thank you very much

for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mate.