The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 179 - Live! Fiona O'Loughlin, Tom Ballard & Nick Cody.

Episode Date: March 12, 2014

Free Mousse, Two Hundred Points and The Special Donut. Recorded LIVE at the Southside Tearooms in Brisbane, March 8th, 2014.   Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey mates, thanks to everyone who came out to the live Brisbane show that you're about to hear. If you're in Melbourne, you have four chances to see us do this same kind of stupid dickheadery. Every Sunday night of the Melbourne International Comedy Festival, it kicks off on March the 27th. We've got live podcasts every Sunday afternoon at Five Burrows with huge special guests lined up. And we've also got our own solo shows every night of the festival all the information and tickets is at littledumbdumbclub.com and hopefully we'll see you there yeah Hey! Aboo!

Hey mates, welcome into the little dum-dum club. Live recording at the Southside Tea Rooms in Brisbane. My name is Tommy Daslow. Sitting next to me, the other half of the show, Carl Chandler! G'day dickheads! We're coming to you, like I said, live at the Southside Tea Rooms in Brisbane. Live from the scene of about 85 casualties

once the fire stirs up in a minute. Once the fire that we are planning to start. Fire is our special guest today, guys. It's the only way either of us can get sexual gratification anymore is by starting a small fire. Yeah, it's by burning down 100 people, yeah. That's how we get our jollies.

Yeah, we're crammed into... Well, it's a tea room. It's a room, sort of. Yeah, we've oversold the venue, quite clearly. We've charged good money for people to stand for an hour and a half. Yeah, and we're... We got a lot of laughs there from people sitting down. We're both talking into microphones, a type of which we've never used before,

so I'm kind of sitting back on mine, and you're holding yours right up in your face. I am just imagining how Buddy Holly would do it. Where's John? What's the correct way to talk? Like, how hot do we need to get on these? Is that fine? Whatever we want.

Yeah. Says the guy in the Beavis and Butthead T-shirt. Yeah. Just do what you want, dudes. Yeah, do whatever you want. You'll get a shit product, but you can do what you want. Oh, shit, it's nearly 4.20. Just go for it, bros.

Cool, so we've got a bunch of special guests coming up. I've been in Brisbane all week. I just want to say this very quickly. I like the name Tea Rooms. There's not enough tea rooms around anymore, are there? I reckon there's just enough. I reckon there's not enough big ones, but yeah. Not enough seats in them.

There's a sign out the front. There's like a sticker that this place has won, what is it, Best Venue for Tea? That's a special category of some magazine's food awards. Oh, really? Best Place for Tea. Did you strike me as the sort food Oh really? Best place for tea Did you You strike me as the sort of person Who would have called it tea when you were a kid

As opposed to dinner Oh yeah I was taught by my parents That lunch was called dinner That's serious And I spent ten years of it Copping shit from people And me going

No no My mum and dad wouldn't fuck me around On something as important as that What age did you get to Before the penny dropped on that one? What time is it now? Yeah, I don't know. I remember when I was a kid and I'd go round to someone else's house

and their parents would go, are you going to stay for tea? And I'd go, bleh, not now. This is gross. No thanks. Yeah. And we've got a special guest already that I want to point out. We've got Harley Breen's brother right in the front row.

Sinclair Breen, everyone. Brother of the friend of the show, which means that he now has officially listened to more podcasts than his brother has. I'd like to say Sinclair got exactly the level of applause that he should have, you know what I mean? The brother of someone that most people here don't even know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is a true claim.

So I've been in Brisbane for the week doing my show, Dreamboat, at the Powerhouse. A few people here I recognise. Thanks so much to those guys who've come down. Give us a cheer if you haven't seen Tommy's show. No. Oh, it sounds so happy about it.

We dodged a bullet on that one. How many people... It's all about the differences between tea and dinner. How many people are doing the big triple today? This and then Carl's trial show and then my show. Give us a cheer. That is the sound of reluctance. Okay.

So really only two seats that I have to be worried about not being filled when the show starts on time. Oh, man, I'm doing a three-hour odyssey tonight, so tonight so yeah i'm going for it odyssey does sound like the right word yeah for the audience at least paying eight dollars to watch you read off a script hey spoiler alert don't give away the middle ending and start but uh someone and some people have given me uh gifts after the show you got a bag of lollies after the show. It's very nice. Someone came along last night. I don't think she could make it tonight.

I don't think she's here. But she came to my show last year and she gave me a muffin. And then this year she came along and she gave me some soap. Some nice soap. That's not a thing that you want after your show, is it? Boy, even five rows back I could smell that. I saw a silhouette get up in the middle of the show and leave to get what I presumed was a beer

probably just her nipping down at the chemist to get a bit of a block of dove for me that's excellent I'm very happy to be in Brisbane but I don't know whether I should blame this on people from Brisbane or people from Melbourne but I flew up here last night and I sat next to this big fat guy covered in tattoos.

Now, to be fair, man, does this sound terrible, this mic? And not just the content going into it. Is that sounding really bad? Yeah, but you're cool with it. That's good. Fucking not my podcast, buddy. That's fine. I sat with this big fat guy who had a singlet, heaps of tattoos, and he got really angry that his headphones weren't working watching the in-flight entertainment.

And he was like swearing and going crazy, going, this plane's a piece of shit. This in-flight entertainment fucking sucks. What the fuck? I paid good money for this. This is fucked. I look over. He's watching Smurfs 2

and not only that he was fast forwarding through it to get to the good bits so I don't know if that's your people or my people I don't know

I don't know who to blame that on it's like the phrase this plane's a piece of shit I had a similar I put a thing about this on Facebook the other day but I had a weird thing

coming in I had maybe one of the worst a thing about this on Facebook the other day, but I had a weird thing coming in. I had maybe one of the worst flight landings I've ever had. Like, the plane came in and we kind of, like, it had been pretty bumpy coming in, very windy, and we hit the tarmac and went bang, and then, like, bunny hopped up into the air again and then kind of were up in for a second and then went back down and, like, it really shook up the plane.

And it was like a really, like, no one was talking to each other and it really unified us like everyone was like turning the person next and going how fucked was this yeah we should all be dead but like i wanted to start you know sometimes it's fucking up my vision of gargamel as well this is shit you don't want a plane sometimes people clap when you land like oh yeah i wanted to start a slow booze yeah that was awful like that's really awful work Just walk out, awesome So we've given out some Questionnaires, we've never done this at a live show before

But we've officially given up So we've sent out questionnaires to people In the crowd here today to give us anything They wanted us to read out At the gig, make this a bit more interactive It's just a broad thing, we've given out questionnaires Today for people at home. Just if you've ever wanted to ask Tommy or I a question.

Yeah, because we always get, you know, we get a lot of weird funny things on Facebook and Twitter and stuff, but it's kind of after the fact. So we thought it'd be good to bring people in a little bit more. So we got this one here. This is the first one. Carl, you're a lot thinner than I realised. Good job, mate.

Oh, right. So. What? It's a word on the street that I'm a fat cunt. Is someone listening to the podcast going, oh, lay off the burgers, mate. Yeah, the word on the street and the words come from you. You're talking about your diet. Got a fat larynx.

Who put that one in? Do you want to be comfortable learning up to it? Because I will fight you. I just would like to know how fat you thought Carl was. How many extra kilos you think should be on him. Alright, good.

Let's see, what else? There's some good ones in here. Can I buy Carl and Nando's chocolate mousse? Brackets, there's one just up the road. Let me get back to you in one second, yes. I like putting the location in brackets, like that was going to be the selling point. Oh, free mousse, yeah.

How far do I have to walk? No, you would have had me at, there's a mousse in Fiji. Done. All right, let us go. Okay, this is a really. Okay. This is a really interesting one. This is a callback to last week's episode. Who would you rather be spat in the face by while

having sex? Tony Abbott or Gina Reinhart? Please discuss the pros and cons. I feel like we should hold this one and get into it with our guests. It's going to be a good panel discussion. Let's tackle the pros now. And on to the cons.

What if it was just down the road, though? If someone spat moose in my face, that is something. How many flat brim hats does Tommy own? Maybe 20 own a lot of hats? Burning question. Someone really wanted to know that. There's some good chat coming off the back of that though. What is Carl's record for Nando's mousse consumed in one day?

Oh. I've had two. And that doesn't seem like that many but that's pretty dumb still. Yeah, two's a lot. More than one's a lot i think that my my uh record of desserts in one day well i'll tell you exactly what i had today i had for breakfast please should we take an interval before this just so at 10 o'clock today i had a pie a sausage roll

and a big brownie so that's how a big boy eats um so that's 10 a.m that's 10 a.m that's how a big boy eats. So that's 10am? That's 10am. That's before... Did you have cereal breakfast or anything? I just told you. That's my breakfast. What do you have for breakfast? Some cereal, like an adult. I'm...

Look, I'm dressed as a 12-year-old right now. Oh! I can't believe it's taken me this long to mention. Breaking your own cardinal rule of performing comedy, doing the podcast in shorts. I don't know if that was ever a rule. Has that ever been a thing? I believe it's one of your golden rules.

A stranger just yelled out yes. Okay, all right. Well, someone you've never met said something, so believe him over me. Thanks, you're cool, yeah. Good enough for me. Should we get our first guest on? Yeah, let's get our first guest on.

Well, should we sort of talk about who was meant to be our guest and what's kind of happened? Okay, sure. Should we bring him out first and then talk about it? Should we bring out the person who's cancelled? No. No, no, I mean... Oh, fuck it.

You know him from Something for the Drive Home. Please welcome Nick Cody! Yay! Oh, he's over there. Yay! Man, I was quite... He came in the wrong direction then. I was actually quite worried that even Nick Cody had pulled out on us.

Very different from the podcast I just did. We just did a live something for the drive home. Like you forgot the name of your own podcast in the middle of it. Yeah, live something for the drive home. Very different. Like we don't cram people in like the Dum Dum Club. There was 30 seats available and we only let 25 in, all right? We were very considerate.

I don't know if everyone at home can hear this, but it sounds like Barry White's now on our podcast. Why have we got all the treble and Cody's got all the bass? Yeah. Balance it out. But Cody's microphone also has, like like a pink glittery contact thing on it for some reason like the Carl Sanderlands

of podcasting welcome everyone Liberace but also the good thing about having Cody on as a guest is that you get two guests for the price of one

see like Cody if you just swivel that hat around Cody Fred fucking Durst yes I know podcasting for the nookie please God Yeah, Cody. Fred fucking Durst. Yes. I know.

Podcasting for the nookie. Please, God, turn it back the other way. I can't handle this. I can't handle this at all. Now, it's great. Now, you are a replacement. We did have a pullout, a cancellation. Was it Bart?

Was it Bart Freeband? Yeah, yeah. We couldn't get him. Meaning we couldn't fucking understand what he said when we called up I can do I can do the impression of Bart

if you would like Bart go yes oh yeah guys what's going on we're just down here buddy yeah fucking dum dum club

in Brisbane fucking yeah now put shit bro now put your hat on backwards and do Bart as Fred Durst

dum dumst hey guys we're all just in together now aren't we yeah guys behind blue eyes it's fucking funny yeah I'm out of songs it's a tough challenge isn't it it's a tough improv challenge

that's actually a sweet quote of what he would be saying at the moment as well I need to tell you I don't think I've told you this we haven't talked about this yet Cody but It's a tough improv challenge. That's actually a sweet quote of what he would be saying at the moment as well. I don't think I've told you this. We haven't talked about this yet, Cody. But my girlfriend recently broke her phone and she was looking for a replacement. So I put a shout out on Facebook just saying, does anyone have an old iPhone that they'd be looking to sell to my girlfriend?

And who should come through but Marja herself, friend of the show. Oh, I've got more Marja coming up as well. Karen Cody Karen Cody hits me up and goes oh I've totally blanked on your dad's name. Jeff Jeff has he's just gotten a new phone he doesn't need his old iPhone so your girlfriend can just have his old one just have it for free and we're like oh my we'll give you some

money and she's like no no it's so fine so we go and meet up with your dad he gives us the phone interesting note is that the awesome anecdote alert going off ambulance just went past and half of the crowd turned to look out the oh death better than this um no so we got uh we got jeff cody's's iPhone, and he was like, oh, I've wiped it off, I've taken everything off there, so it's kind of like as new.

And, you know, it's kind of like someone's dad thinking that they've wiped an iPhone when they really, like, he doesn't know how to properly wipe it. So all he's done is just go and delete all his photos, but everything else on there was kind of as new. Now, my girlfriend was really against me telling this because she thinks it's going to make it sound like she was snooping through the phone

trying to find things. So she went on to subscribe to some podcasts and that was left as was. And there's two podcast subscriptions on your dad's iPhone. Now, of course, you do the Something for the Drive Home podcast. Two podcasts subscribed to on his phone. What the Fuck with Mark Maron and the Little Dumb Dumb Club with

Tommy Dasol. This is fucking bullshit, bro! Do I tell or tell? Cody, man, it's going to be fucked! But then my girlfriend got a voicemail from someone and she went to check it and there were, like, two previous voicemails in there from, you know, from when Jeff had the phone.

Yeah. And two voicemail messages. Number one from your sister, who's in his phone as Darling Daughter. That's nice. You know, he puts a nice little name in for his kids Like a little affectionate thing And then a second voicemail from Nick Cody With a surname Just so he doesn't mix it up

Nick Cody was it? Yeah Nicholas Jeffrey Cody Why is Jeffrey a middle name that's your name dad oh fuck this is a very confronting phone call

so yeah I'm uh yeah I should stress my girlfriend did want me to she wasn't snooping you know she was

she was just going through voicemails and podcasts and stuff that's all I got a I got a Marja Facebook um message as well

a couple of weeks ago. And it really is my mum. I get people asking all the time, like, is that actually your mum on Facebook? Yes, it is my mental 54-year-old mum, or whatever, harassing everyone. Harley Breen, the other day, goes to me, Kieran Cody, is that Nick's mum or sister?

It's his mum. I got a message from your mum saying, out of the blue, because that's the only thing Ker and Cody can do, we got our neighbours for Christmas caps a couple of years ago. We got one of the neighbours, the male neighbour, a cap saying, the cunt next door. And his wife's hat was called, The cunt next door's missus.

P.S. they wore them everywhere. Hoppers crossing. Did they wear them like that? Sideways, yes. Oh, okay. That is... They do live in Werribee. Yeah.

So that is a local reference that's gone wrong right now. We've already figured it out. We figured it out on my podcast. It's Logan or Ipswich. Oh, look at that. There we go. That is a place. Correct. Mate, you've got two mentions of your podcast already. There we go. That is a place. Correct.

All right, mate. You've got two mentions of your podcast already. We get it. Well, I'm going to bring up a third one because you had a good live podcast. Yeah, it was good times. Because the other night we were sitting at... Who was here? Who was here that went to Nick's live podcast just before?

Yeah. Yeah. There was not that many people in there. Relatively normal looking people. Because we were sitting out the front of the power there. Relatively normal looking people. Because we were sitting out the front of the powerhouse. Relatively normal, alright, yeah. Well, they don't look like how you guys sound.

We were at the front of the powerhouse the other night and these pretty beefy dudes walked past and just smashed a glass and then did nothing about it. And there was a bit of rabble about what had happened there. And then as they walked off, you've turned a button, gone, oh, they're mad fans of the podcast. Yeah, it was great. One guy, obviously too drunk, he went to put his glass up on the table.

The only problem was there was no table. So you just dropped it, smashed it on the ground, he looked at his mate, and then they just walked out. Everyone's like, who are these terrible people? Fans, that's what they're known as. Fans. Is it fair to say that the venue you just did your podcast at now

full of broken glass? Yes. Smashed glasses everywhere. Yeah, but you're only at least three. That dude, it gets creepier. So that guy took a photo with me

after the show. The next day, a friend of mine, Brianna from Melbourne, texts me and says, I just saw you in a photo on Tinder. And that guy, like, if you come across this dude, I think his name was David?

I want to say David or Mark. He, yeah, you'll just see, you'll see both of us. It was a big night for him. Got to meet his idol, smash some glasses. Fucking just great time at the Brisbane Powerhouse. Yeah, he had a great Tinder profile out of it. Yeah, to be fair, he thought he was meeting Fred Durst. Should we bring on our next guest?

Yes. Nick Cody, everyone. Yay. Our next guest, you may know him from his previous life hosting Triple J Breakfast. Give it up for good old friend of the show, Tom Ballard. Yay. Good.

Yeah. Hey, fat cunts, how you going? Oh. Oh, he's changed since Triple J, hasn't he? What's Tom Ballard's weight in relation to what people thought he'd look like? Yeah. We had a thing on the radio called my awkward tall man chub, which is this little puppy over here that was always...

There was some terrible... Because you get a photo done every day on the radio because you have a guest every day, so you have a photo done every day. And just the lighting in the studio was horrific. At one point, it looked like I had a growth coming in, like an alien was being born out of the side of me. It was horrific. That's a good way to keep track, right?

Like, that's, you know, like those people who do... Of how fat you're getting? Yeah, it's fucking sweet, dog. Is there a bad way of keeping track of how fat you get it yeah it's fucking sweet dog is there a bad way of keeping track of how fat you get it well I mean I'm like

otherwise you get caught by surprise one day if you don't really regularly get photos taken one day yeah I was on radio for a few years and I've made a flip book

of my bad day choices look at the man grove well that I mean that heads up today that I'm looking quite slim that's good I can just fucking chow down on as many

moose as people shout me tonight you better go out and get a sausage roll and a pie and a bread oh no you had that for breakfast

but that's how I eat like I'm drunk all the time should we mention before we get too far in who Nick is replacing we did say that yeah let's

like everyone's happy so we'll disappoint them Dave Chappelle couldn't make it today everyone I can also do a character a costume

no I won't I won't do that you did that already we were gonna have two hours ago Pete Hellyer pulled out of this game

now we don't want to say don't want to say why, but there was a vehicle going past before making a noise. He said he had a bad back, which I believe is Latin for having anything else to do at all. Does anyone have tickets for his show tonight? Anyone going to see his show tonight? There better fucking not be a show tonight with Pete Hellyer.

Yeah, there is. You better go Bain style and break his back. I was born in the darkness. You'll miss out on the dum-dum club. Do Bane doing Strawny. You know, that thing that you're known for. Yeah. What did Strautty say?

Strutty was just peeing with a fucking wig, wasn't he? On a football field. That was all it was. Good thing Pete's not here. Jesus Christ. Such little appreciation of his work. It was funny, but he wasn't doing voices or anything, was he? Yeah.

All right, well, I'll take that back. All right, sorry. Here's something we said. What have you always wanted to ask the little dum-dum club? Someone's written boxes or briefs Briefs The image of someone sitting at home just every week going When the fuck are they going to let us know

What kind of underpants they've got on I've got one as well It's scrunch or fold This one says I've got one as well. It's scrunch or fold. This one says, where the fuck is Pete Hellyer from Tommy Dussler? I wonder who that could have been. It could have been anyone. You don't know.

I want to talk about this quickly. I've got a 17-year-old in my show doing a little cameo. Right. And he's just like a local comic who I hit up through a friend. He's done class clowns. He's done comedy around a little doing a little cameo right and he he's just like a local comic who I hit up through a friend he's just he's done class plans he don't done comedy around a little bit and he was quite quite excited for the opportunity and he was telling me he was talking to his parents about it and going yeah I'm getting to be in this comedy festival show for a week doing like two minutes comedy it's gonna be really fun it's good opportunity and he was telling me like his dad's this like kind of real like manly blokey bloke he's like oh

what's the show so then he brings up the ad for my show and for starters my show is called dreamboat and the photo is me shirtless covered in fake tan just like doing this like into the camera and he said he's gayer than me this year that's amazing that is amazing and i'm in a full body suit as well and they're gay yeah at the same time not gay enough, buddy, sorry, they've kicked you out. You're straight now, didn't they tell you? That's his catchphrase, I'm bringing gay to 11. But yeah, he said his dad was just like, what the fuck's this? But then he's like, oh yeah, dad's coming tomorrow night, by the way.

I'm like, oh yeah, cool. And your closer is fucking this boy, isn't it? And your closer is fucking this boy, isn't it? Somewhere on the other side of Brisbane, Peter Heller is lying on a bed and he's just gotten a tingle in his head and gone, oh, I think I made the right decision. That's how open-minded this festival is, the Brisbane Comedy Festival is, though,

because you've said, they said, what do you need, Tommy? Well, I need a photo of me with no shirt on and a 17 year old. Alright, sounds cool. That's called comedy these days. We used to call it something else. Alright. The bit where I bring out my wobble board is fucking the best bit of the show.

That is a topical... Allegedly. Allegedly. My alleged wobble board. Isn't that awesome that you can say whatever you want on podcasts and no one gives a fuck? You cannot sue someone on a podcast. I think the Hey Dad thing has popped up now. I think that's the new...

Popped up. Well, it's come back in. Are you saying that he's got to hack outdated pedophilia joke? Well, I'm just saying, read a fucking newspaper, mate. Oh, there's a good question. Should we bring out our third guest? Yes, please. She's here somewhere.

She's here? Okay, cool. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back on the Little Dumb Dumb Club. Hang on, hang on. Staggy your intro. Give her a bit of time. The first lady of Australia.

Lady. Comedy. Fiona O'Loughlin. Thank you so much. Hello. Can I just sit here? Oh, no. It's a disaster.

No. Great. That would be amazing if we intro'd you to the show and didn't give you anything but a milk crate to sit on. Just so you know your place, woman. International Woman's Day. Cop that. Get on the floor.

Sit on the milk crate and make me a fucking milk tray. Fiona, how was your week going until that just then? And are you thinking of Pete Hellyer pulling out and going, how did he get that? I've got a back. I could hurt it. I've had a good week, but I reached a new level of ageing yesterday. I think everyone does that every day.

Big shout out to Father Time, friend of the show. Oh, clang. Tommy sucks out the youth of 17 year olds. It's amazing. And if he can spit that into my mouth I will live forever. He gets all his Nando's moose. Yes sir.

Triple word callback score. All right. Fiona, I'm sorry we ruined all that. Well, you know, you remember when your grandma used to have a spell? A spell? It's an old-fashioned term. A fall or just a... Just a bit of a...

Whoa. Yeah, I had a spell last night after my show. Because I'd had a really big day. I had to fly. Yeah, that's why I couldn't go to dinner with you. I had to fly to Melbourne yesterday to do a lunchtime gig and then flew back and then, you know,

nothing out of the normal. And then I had to do a show and it's only an hour on stage but I was standing with my peeps afterwards. You're not old at all. Hang on. You need the Fred Durst hat If you're going to talk like that

Oh shit Fiona O'Loughlin Someone get a photo of this For God's sake When I speak of my peeps I'm talking about young gay guys Because I'm so sucking up to them Because they've got so much money.

And they buy tickets hand over fist. So I was standing with my lovely new gay friends who'd been to the show. Just a side note, this week is Joel Creasy, Rhys Dilkers and myself and you in town in Brisbane. People are losing jizz and their minds everywhere. And all at the same time, right? Sweet programming. I think Joel and I clash and Rhys and Fiona clash.

Sweet deal. Anyways, I had a spell. Oh, love. It was just kind of one of these, oh dear, I think I'm too old to be standing. I have to take myself home to bed. Like a fucking old woman. Jessica was just down the corridor and you forgot two things. Oh, yeah, that was terrible.

I thought, oh, I'll do this. I'll get ready in the dressing room because I'm there an hour before and it'll save me, you know. So I got there and I forgot one eyelash. Not a single eyelash, a strip of eyelashes. So that was freaking me out. And then I... Do you lose a wish if you did that?

No, I found that. But then I didn't have my curlers so my hair was terrible. I've since had to go and get a lesbian haircut so I don't have to wear my curlers anymore. And your eyelashes were all straight. But then five minutes before... The lesbian haircut is covered by the backwards baseball cap

which is like double lesbian. I love that this is still going by the way, that you're still wearing the hat. But five minutes before I was on stage, I looked down and I've got OCD and I only ever perform in black boots. And if I don't have my black boots, you know, a freak. And I looked down and I'm wearing a pair of thongs.

So I thought, oh, I better put my boots on. And there were no fucking boots. I'd left them in the hotel. And so I just talked to my agent and he said, well, you have to wear my shoes. And they were bright green kind of runner things. And it was like a really bad, I don't know, I looked like I was trying to be Ellen DeGeneres.

What were you trying to look like with the thongs? No, they were just to be backstage and then I was going to put my nice boots on. If you've been only performing black boots and then you forget to bring your black boots that's the worst OCD ever. I know.

It's a terrible word. I know. I've checked it off and forgotten my shit 45 times already. Do you still have the same kind of OCD about what sort of

team hat you wear backwards on your head? No. It can only be New York. Yeah, you're not showing any sign of OCD at all I would take that shit off I've got really bad OCD

I have to count 200 things I have to do 200 things a day In my house What? Really? Yeah 200 So you're doing 199 other podcasts after this

No no 198 One of the things She's doing at home Is regret I don't have to do it But I seriously have to do 200 things a day

Like vacuuming one room is 10 points. Oh, it's a cumulative system. Yeah. You need 200 points or 200 things? Because they're different units of measurement. There's a point system, right? Vacuuming, having a child, that's 10 points. That's 2,000 points.

So grabbing one lot of cutlery out of the dishwasher, that's one point, right? Yep. And all sorts of points. Who assigned the points is what I want to know. Me, my stupid brain. And I remember needing to hang out one sock. There was only one sock left, but I'd done my 200 things for the day

and my OCD was like, well well we can't hang out the sock but my sane brain, because OCD people have a sane brain you know as well and the sane brain is saying just hang out the fucking sock no one's going to know and my OCD brain is we can't do that, you know we can't do that man

we'll get the OCD union in and we'll fucking shut this down they are overworking themselves you need to build in some tasks that are worth negative points so if you get ahead you can do them CD Union in and we'll fucking shut this down. They are overworking themselves. You need to build in some tasks that are worth negative points so if you get ahead you can do them

and get yourself back and then you can build back up again. I remember my best Shitting on the floor minus 50 points. Sweet credit. Yeah.

But vacuuming that is worth a lot more. It's a tough floor to vacuum. I've got to do two shits if I want to do the vacuum. And I get really freaked out if people come over

and start you know doing my dishes or something because I'm like you're ruining my points well I was living with Luke McGregor in Adelaide has he got OCD

he does have OCD has he got OCD I don't think there's anything of him except OCD he's pure OCD I'm taking this off oh oh that's you in a little dum-dum club guys just put it on your shoes I don't have a head for it He's pure OCD I'm taking this off Oh

Oh Unless you're In a little Dumb dumb club guys Just put it on your shoes I don't have a head For it or anything Is taking off

That fucking hat Your whole 200 points For the day Because it should be I don't have any points When I'm away from my home So That would be ridiculous

I'm point free Yeah But Luke Luke McGregor is you're right he has the same brain he'll regularly talk about how stupid this is he's got these little things he needs to do but we're staying in this hotel in Adelaide and one night he had to call the front desk

because there was blood on his sheets oh what an idiot I know and the body in his bed Oh OCD Man it's a homicide Get over it

The fella keeps stabbing me in the throat Should I do anything? Oh there's knives in the wrong spot of my chest It needs to be 90 degrees to the left Oh he keeps checking his pulse His sheets were changed that day and he called the scene and said, look, I'm really sorry, but there's blood in my sheets

and I have OCD, so I need to change it. And we're like, no, that's fine. Not everyone gets no bloody sheets. You're not being precious if you don't want blood to be lying in blood. Oh, man. Have you ever talked about your OCD on stage?

No. Because I feel like a lot of comedians get up and say, oh, my bloody OCD, I've got to do this, and they're not. It's like the one condition that you can be just like, OCD, but you're really just like an arsehole. You're just quite finicky about stuff. No, I've never. I wrote a chapter of it in my book,

and my editor just took it all out. What? Your editor took a chapter of OCD out? I wrote a whole of it in my book and my editor just took it all out. Really? Why your editor took a chapter of OCD out? I wrote a whole chapter about OCD. Which your first instinct would be, put it back in. And then take it out again and put it back in and take it out and put it in. How weird. It just wasn't funny or boring? Yeah, very odd.

Well, I would love to read a bit. You should do just an OCD book. My brother's got OCD really really badly and I 400 points we both had that but

I knew we didn't know what it was like when we were kids but we just knew we both had this weird thing and I used to love

messing with him like he'd say to me every single morning like his was more about germs and everything was going to kill him and he'd go did you breathe single morning like his was more about germs and everything was going to kill him and he'd go

did you breathe on my toes you did didn't you fat bitch you breathed on my toes is your brother Ronnie Chang and I

hey hey did you breathe on my toes that's fucked you did you fat bitch drink drink Tsingtao you want some Tsingtao play footsie with my sister That's fucked You did your fat bitch Drink Drink Tsingtao You want some Tsingtao?

Play footsie with my sister Fiona O'Loughlin I won That is great Hang on As long as you As long as you As long as you name the Asian person

You're allowed to be racist No you name the Asian person Plus my mate At the start of it You actually just say Fiona O'Loughlin Is that No I said What? Oh my god Fiona O'Loughlin? Is that actually the spot?

Oh my god. Fiona O'Loughlin play it back. Play it back. I am not falling for that. It could be all the bass in the mic. I just heard it wrong. Someone wanted to know, I don't think this is a great question but probably something we can't get into here. Carl, which comedians are hacks?

Oh. Oh. President company excluded. Peter Hellier, yeah. No, that's which comedians have bad backs. Abu. Carl Chandler is the answer to your question. Remember I wrote that one in?

Yeah, now it is. Hey, whoever asks that, come and talk to me after the show. And I'll have a long list. Okay, here's something someone wanted to know. If you guys were forced into cannibalism, which body part would you eat first? Penis. Sorry, what was the question? Who would you rather be spat in the face by?

Nick Cody while having sex, Tony Abbott or Gina Reinhart? Please discuss the pros and cons. Is that a real question? Yeah. Is that a second spit in the face question? No, no, it's the same one from before. Oh, okay. But I'm putting it out to the public. So they spit in your face while you're having sex?

Yeah. Yeah? But are you having sex with them? No, no, no. Someone's just walking past. Tony Abbott is walking past as you're having sex with Nick Cody. Yes, that's the question, is it? Yeah, sure.

Why not? Yeah. Mate, we've got ages. Don't worry about it. I didn't even know if it was aimed at me. Oh, really? Well, look, because you paused like you were going to say something. No, I was just thinking of something else to say

to take us away from this. Is it deliberately spitting in your face or are they trying to spit on something else and it misses and then it just hits you? It's deliberate. Okay. Yeah. I haven't heard last week's episode.

I'm not aware of the... Oh, okay. Carl got spat on in the face during sex. Oh. It was the basis for his first comedy routine. Did you know her? It was more of a review. Fiona, was your question, did you know her?

Yeah. That's a thing that happens, isn't it? Is it? Let's go to the panel. Has that ever happened? Was it deliberate? That's not a thing that happens, isn't it? I think... Is it? Let's go to the panel. Has that ever happened? No, that's not... Was it deliberate? That's not a thing.

Yes. And she thought it was sexy or she hated it so much? Yes. Oh. There's... LAUGHTER Don't feel... I feel like it's aimed at me like I did it and I didn't do it.

Like, don't accuse me of... All I could have done was get out of the way. It's lost for words. It's all falling apart. The cool, calm, collected exterior. It's all falling apart. And that was just the first time and it was out of nowhere. That was the first date, yeah. No, it wasn't.

It wasn't. It wasn't. I don't even want to get into it. How much longer did you stay together after the spitting? And did the spitting ever make an appearance again? I really think we should talk less about this. Nah. I agree.

Hey, have you got anything else up your sleeve? What do you mean? Any more spit up my sleeve? Or any more sexual exploits? No, I mean you're saying you want to not talk about it Do I have something better to talk about than me getting spat on? Yes

That question is just fucked because it's like, why not? If you're having sex with Tony Abbott or Gina Reinhart Sure, spit on me This is all fucking horrible and is this spit going to be the gross part of that? Yeah, I agree It really went downhill after the slag

Yeah, Gina, Gina. Oh, that's gross. Who, What? Who spit is this again? Oh, the worst. Is it a person I don't like? Oh, that's disgusting.

If someone spits in you and you're still, you're on board, that's love. That is love. Yeah, that's, you know, because things can happen like that in the heat of the moment, and that's okay.

I remember it being not that bad at the time. You just... Wow. So a second ago, someone who didn't want to talk about it at all is now saying it wasn't that bad at the time. Hey, we almost forgot to do this. Should we do an episode?

Australia's longest running podcast serial that never ever Let's hand these out. Now just so everyone knows no one on the panel here is aware that we were going to do this so that's how much we've rehearsed this. I guess I'm Pete.

You you are you are Spitsitty McGee. Yeah, so on tonight's episode of Rad Dad, the role of Peter Hellyer will be played by Nick Cody. But hopefully it's going to be so seamless that you won't even know that it happened. Well, it's Rad Dad here, and I'm here to say I'm just riding around in the Rad Dad way

Gotta watch your kid, your cat and your dog Now see me be right in your catalog Yeah Word to your mother Cause I'm Rad Dad He's the raddest dad in town Rad Dad He's the raddest dad in town Rad Dad This sure has been a lovely evening, Fiona

I'm so glad you took me up on my offer of a romantic candlelit dinner Of course, Rad Dad I wouldn't have missed this for the world Especially as it was the only way I could get you to sit down and sign these divorce papers. Whoa, let's save the foreplay until after dessert, Fiona. Mmm, do they have dessert at a porto? Are you kidding? They have the finest mousse this side of, I don't know, somewhere that's really good at making mousse.

Garcon! Garcon! This isn't a restaurant, sir. You have to come up to the counter if you want to make an order. Such rude service these days. I was just talking about that subject this morning on Matt and Alex on Triple J. What a great show that is. I'm really, really getting into it.

Anyway, I'm going to leave a scathing review of this place on Urban Spoon right now on my iPhone. That's a Tamagotchi. A Tamagotchi that knows all about how bad the service is here at Fortitude Vallejo Porto. Local reference. Anyway, I wonder how Jenny's

doing at home with her babysitter. I have to say, Peter Hellier, I've had some... I've had some pretty bad babysitters over the years, but you would have to be one of the absolute worst. All we've done so far today is watch a replay of you on last night's The Project.

Hi, Pete Hellier here. Cut me some slack, kid. I did have some dynamite gags in there. Anyway, I'm no babysitter. I'm Pete Hellier. I was just signing my Pete Hellier DVDs after my show, and your dad tricked me into coming here. Well, I'm no babysitter. I'm Pete Hellyer. I was just signing my Pete Hellyer DVDs after my show, and your dad tricked me into coming here. Well, I say tricked. He drug me with a rack full of chloroform, and then I woke up here.

He seemed like such a good guy, too. That doesn't sound like him. Well, now that I think of it, he was trying to get me to sign a copy of that Carmen Electra workout DVD. Anyway, what do you do for fun around here? What was that third last word that you said? Fun. Never heard of it.

What do you and your dad together? Oh. It's almost like this was written this morning. I got it, I got it. I know I'm only eight years old, but I believe what you meant to say was, what do you and your dad do together? And my answer to that is as follows.

Mostly we just go to weird events and meet different celebrities and Rad Dad makes references to obscure 90s brands. Like Slazenger? No, that's a new one. Sounds awful. Yeah, it's not the best. Jenny, maybe I'm overstepping my mark here as babysitter, but I've always wanted a daughter

and it seems like you're not happy here. So what would you say to me adopting you and becoming little Miss Peter Hellier? Well, I'd say that's a very abrupt and convenient plot point, but yes! Yes! A thousand times yes! Jenny, I'm home and I've got a special

friend with me. We're about to go upstairs and seal the deal. Stop making the act of signing our divorce papers sound like we're having sex. She said having sex. You all heard it. There's not a lawyer alive that can convict me now.

Also, I'm here. The guy works at a porto. I followed these strangers home and I'm now in this house for some reason. While you guys are signing the divorce papers, how about you sign this as well? What's that? It's a form for me to legally adopt Jenny. That's right, I'm definitely Peter Hellyer

and I have an adoption forms on me at all times. Man, there are some really great writing going on in this script. You couldn't have written Hellyer out of the script, he actually gave you a few hours notice, you guys. So you want to take Jenny away from me? I mean I need to think about this I mean on one hand I won't have the constant companionship or the warming glow that fatherhood brings into my life on a daily basis

but on the other hand I can finally convert Jenny's room into a Furbies museum give me that form Pete I've got to say now that you've got a daughter there's something about you that's just instantly more attractive. What do you say we get out of here and sign those divorce papers? Do you mean rooting? Yes. What? No, give me those forms back.

That root is mine. Well, it seems like we've all learned something here today. It's easy in life to be dismissive and unappreciative of what's in front of you. Sometimes it takes a drastic change of circumstances to make one truly appreciative, to appreciate what he had all along. So where does this leave us? Well, as we all hurdle through the universe on this big old dust ball, the weak

old planet Earth, it's important to regularly take stock of what we have and give thanks for our good fortune. After all, like they told us in training, at a porto. Which is where I work. With Matt and Alex on in the background. What a shit show. They told us in training, hold on to what is good, even if it's a handful of earth.

Hold on to what you believe, even if it's a tree that stands by itself. Now, who wants some chocolate mousse? Me! I'll trade you this Carmen Electra DVD signed by Peter Hellyer's chiropractor for it. Rad dad! And I've been Peter Hellyer. Yeah! A big shout-out to our guests for nailing that after getting it all of...

How long did that go for? Three minutes ago? Yeah. Oh, we've got a Twitter. Who's QR Huggies? We've got a tweet that says, attending a Dum Dum Club podcast, zero points on OCD. This is like Q&A.

How does this exist? Let's get this trending. We've got one tweet. I just read quickly on Twitter, like there was a guy this week when we were plugging the show and saying someone put on Twitter oh, fucking Morningside, Jesus

Christ, you guys want anyone to come to the show? And this very venue tweeted from their own account. They said, don't worry oh fucking Morningside, Jesus Christ do you guys want anyone to come to the show? and this very venue tweeted from their own account they said, don't worry boys we've got an excellent cunt filter well to be fair, not quite good enough we all rushed the door at once

that's excellent work I knew I was going to love this place as soon as they put that out Yeah I What I was going to say was Bring it home strong, come on It's just got don't forget moose written on there Man, I'd better get moose after this

Is someone legitimately going to do that? Absolutely. Oh, okay. You're the guy, just to be clear, the guy who yelled that out, wearing a Toe Fop with Will Anderson T-shirt. That's not what this is, fuckhead. There's a guy with a Hey Mate here. There's a Hey Mate T-shirt.

Oh, you're a Hey Mate here? Yeah. Oh, really? Yeah. Race over there? Oh, yeah. Oh, okay. That's good.

Yeah, because is that a weird move to turn up, like, it's like rocking up to the Coke factory. Here's my Pepsi shirt. I really love you guys. Who the fuck goes to the Coke factory? Who has a Pepsi? Hey, man. We make the Coke.

Brad, Dad. That'd be a thing. You can go to the Cadbury factory. Why wouldn't you go to the Coke factory? You can't do free samples or anything like that. Why not? Why not do free samples of Coke? Well, I'm fine.

And I think we're talking about it. You must pay for Coke. That's not a saying we all know, you must pay for coke That's not a saying Alright, you're right, Carl, you're right I'm glad I was right rather than being entertaining I've got to say, I'm with Carl on this one I'd probably do a tour of the coke factory, why not? This is where we keep all the bodies

of the people who work in Guatemalan industries and have been killed by the many industry practices of the Coca-Cola in Guatemalan industries and have been killed by the many industry practices of the Coca-Cola corporation. It's educational. Yeah. It's good. And here's how we make cherry cola.

Do we mention those people that died on the plane? They haven't died. They're probably eating each other right now. Hey, and which body part would they be starting with? Penis, what was the question? Yeah! How long would it take you to eat a person, do you reckon, if you were, like, stranded on a thing?

Oh, Jesus. We've clearly run out of questions on this thing. You would need to have sex with them lots of times first and then get bored of that and then eat each other, I guess. Yeah. But if you're trying to stave off hunger, having lots of sex would, like, make you hungrier at times first and then get bored of that and then eat each other, I guess. Yeah. But if you're trying to stave off hunger, having lots of sex

would make you hungrier because you're using a lot of... Yeah, and that's what I always do with my meals. Fill it with my cum first. And a shout out to the Southside Tea Room special this afternoon,

the cum-filled donuts. $3.95 after the show. That gives me an idea about that moose trip later on. It's just mayo, yeah. Oh, my God. Well, guys, I think that brings us to the end of our little club. No, no, no, I've got more about cumming moose. I've got much more.

Fiona O'Loughlin. I'm having another spell. Fiona, you've got shows on until the end of the weekend. Yes. People can come check out. Tom and Nick, you're both the same. Melbourne Comedy Festival coming up for both of them. Yes, yes, of course.

Yes. And guys, a round of applause for our three guests. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. And guys, thank you so much for coming out to support the podcast and see this. Have you guys had a good time?

It's been fun, right? Yeah, it's been cool. Is there anything else to say? No, we got all our stuff on sale, but we'll put that in there. That's all good. Yeah, should we keep all of that out there? Yeah. What?

Okay. Yeah. We've got three T-shirts for sale if people want them. We've brought along three T-shirts. on sale but we'll put that in that's all good should we keep all of that out there? we've got three t-shirts for sale if people want them we've brought along three t-shirts I've got a Tofop t-shirt for sale if anybody wants that alright guys that's the end of the podcast thanks so much for coming we'll see you next time see ya

mates É... CEM MAITS!