The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 181 - Paul Foot & Michael Hing

Episode Date: March 25, 2014

Paul Foot's Third Dimension, Paul Foot's Fourth Dimension, Paul Foot's Assistant.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Melbourne, this is it. The Comedy Festival has started. Get out there and see some shows. My show is called Dreamboat. It's on 8.15 every night at ACMI until April the 20th. Carl Chandler's show, Carl Chandler's Got Talent, is 9.45 at the Portland Hotel. We've both worked super hard on these shows. It's different stuff to what you've heard in the podcast. We're both very, very good at stand up and we would love to see you there. We really love the support. You know, not to turn this into a pity party, but we do bust our asses doing this thing for free every week. And we really, really appreciate it when you guys throw a few bucks our way, buy a ticket, come see the show and you'll have a really good time. We really, really hope you guys can make it out over the three weeks. And also on Sundays, of course, we've got the live podcasts happening.

A bunch of special guests booked in already. They're going to be so much fun. They're starting this Sunday, March the 30th, 5 p.m. at Five Burrows in the CBD. We've got season tickets on sale through our website, littledumbdumbclub.com. Also, if you're in Sydney, we're doing our solo shows up there, May 10th and the 11th at the Factory Theatre. We're also doing a live Little Dumb Dumb Club recording

with special guests at the Factory at 5.30 on the Saturday. And if you want to come see the podcast and then both of our solo shows in the one night, there's a $50 three-show super pass that you can get, again, available through the website. So, guys, look, this is the last time I'll say it. Throw some money in. Come see some shows. Come support us.

Come see your little mates. It's so much fun having you guys in the live room in whatever context, if you can make it out and see some shows. Support the show. That would be amazing. Also, take some punt. Go see some people you've heard on this show. See some stuff you've never heard of. If a comedy festival is coming to you, definitely get out there. That's why we do this stuff, is so we can see you guys out there in the real world. Anyway, enough of that. Enjoy this episode with Paul Foot and Michael Hing Hey mates, welcome once again into the little dum-dum club for another week My name is Tommy Dasolo, thank you very much for joining us

Sitting opposite me the other half of the program, Carl Chandler G'day Dickhead What have we got going on? What's happening? Do we have Comedy Festival fever? Is this an official Comedy Festival podcast? I've got something at the moment. Have you? People might be able to hear.

Yeah, I'm on death's door. I'm really sick. That's fever. That's not Comedy Festival fever. Yeah, so we're on the verge of Comedy Festival, aren't we? Yeah. This is what I'm going to say up the top of the episode. I had something happen to me two days ago.

I've told tales of being, you know, my love affair with Riversdale Road where I live, where people just scream abuse at me and things out of trams, out of cars, just on bikes. I got to the top of Riversdale Road the other day and there's a fish and chip shop on the top of Riversdale Road. I bought my lunch. I got fish and chips. Oh, yeah. Yes. Minimum chips.

The big double. Yep. Yes. Minimum chips. The big double. Yep. Yes. And I walked to the traffic lights with my fish and chips. And there's a crazy woman that hangs around that area for whatever reason. It attracts her. And it was a very busy road. There was a lot of cars zooming past.

And this woman, this crazy woman, the local crazy woman, appeared out of nowhere, walked very quickly past me into traffic. Traffic swerved, beeped the horn, went crazy. I'm watching all this in a bit of shock. She turns around, calmly walks straight back to me, looks at me and goes, can I have a chip? So I gave her the chip. Yeah. Oh, she's earned it.

Yeah. You just gave her one chip after that. I was just shocked. I just offered up the whole thing. She took her chip and walked off. Surely that's earned at least a bit of flake or the whole chips. You know she's just going to use that chip in exchange for heroin, don't you? Yeah, what do you really want the chip for?

Don't lie to us. You're not going to use that chip to go to visit your family in Horsham, are you? Let's get into it. Let's bring our guests in. Who could that be? This podcast is haunted. Who could that be? This podcast is haunted. Who could that be? This is backing music for introducing the first guest. Oh, is it? Let's keep that going. The theme music. First of all, down from Sydney for the Comedy Festival. You've

heard him before. You've seen him on Canterburns. A renowned non-hummer. Michael Hing. Hey! How's it going, friends? Very well. I feel like we're ignoring the hummer in the room. I just would like to not introduce the second guest and just have this sweet backing track for the whole, well, the source of the humming. Previous Barry, you'll have known from interrupting our podcast. We are going to owe so much to APRA after this.

And the humming has become loud to such an extent that it's actually making me hard. It's hard to introduce the source of the humming. Can we Shazam the humming so we know who the guest is? And if you do that, you'll know that it's Paul. I guess we'll do the it's Paul. Paul Foot! Yay! This is a great advertisement for your comedy festival show.

Hello. Hello. This is a great advertisement for your comedy festival show. Hello? Hello? This is Paul here. I'm having a lot of difficulties because I'm having to move from singing into speaking world. I'm on the borders of the singing and speaking world. That's the best segue anyone has gone from singing to speaking on our podcast. I never knew it was that hard, but I guess I don't do it that often. I don't really ever transition.

It is not easy to do speaking after singing. Sometimes you can get sucked back into the singing world. That's the show's difference between an international and a national guest. He hasn't sung once yet. He's just speaking like a fucking idiot. Hing plays it safe. Sorry about that. I'm right back into the speaking thing.

Oh, there you go. I just was ejected from the singing world really abruptly. Just kicked out of it. And just quite violently knocked into the speaking world. So it's not by choice. You just kicked out of it and just quite violently knocked into the speaking world so it's not by choice you just get sort of shunned oh it's not my choice don't don't in any way think i was doing it just to be mischievous and a complete nuisance to the both of you kind hosts who've asked me onto your podcast and i'm throwing back that kindness back in your face by just

singing in a childish way. Not at all, nothing like that. It's completely involuntary. I'm pulled into the singing world and when I'm in it, I can't get out of it. I'm desperately wanting to be professional. I'm desperately

wanting to speak and to say hello Tommy, hello Carl. I'm enjoying the podcast. I'm desperately wanting to speak and to say hello Tommy, hello Carl, I'm enjoying the podcast. I want to say that but I can't because I'm stuck in the singing world. I assure you that the singing, which is very disruptive to the podcast

is the last thing I would ever want. And I'm saying from the bottom of my heart that if I ever were to sing again, it would be the last thing I would want. It would be involuntary, not what I want, not what I want for both of you, who are such kind men, to invite me to your podcast.

I'm calling it. Hing's not going to say much on this podcast. I would never, ever... No, I want to say this, and I think it's important that people hear this, that I, as an artist, am very privileged and proud and honoured to be invited to this podcast. These podcasts are so important.

No, no, it's so easy to dismiss it. If I didn't go on these podcasts, I wouldn't get as many people in my audience, and these things are vital to my career. So I'm very grateful and very humbled to be here. And the singing is involuntary, and I would never want to do it, because I know the singing is an insult

and a slap in the face to my hosts. It's disruptive, and it's disruptive. If you just let me finish disruptive if you just let me finish if you just let me finish just let me finish well that's it really I just wanted to I just wanted to say

thank you so much for having me on your show and and oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh Oh, no. Not again. I could have stopped the singing. I can't help but blame myself. I think we're being quite rude in not joining in on the singing, Tommy. I think maybe this is the host's fault. No, but I mean, I'm terrified to ever sing again now that I've seen the pain and the stress that it can cause. Oh, sorry, but I just accidentally slipped into the singing again there.

But I hated it. I hated myself for it. I was so angry. Well, we'll just try. This is going to give ourselves a new name. This is like the glee of podcasts from now on in. We're just going to try for that. No one bring up like music or songs of any kind.

No one bring up any words that have been used in any songs of any kind. Oh, when you say that word song. Oh, that word. That's one of my trigger words. I would say that's the main trigger word, I reckon. Yeah, well, there are other trigger words. Buzzard. Buzzard, well, that's an obvious one.

Yeah. Lemonade, only real lemonade. If real lemonade is either mentioned or described, if anyone sort of says, oh, yes, just squeeze some real lemons into. Oh, so you mean like American style lemonade? Yeah, yeah. Squeeze it in with some sugar to make a nice real lemonade. Someone talks about buying a can of Schweppes out of the fridge.

Wouldn't affect me. You wouldn't sing. There'd be no tune there at all. But if I talked, for example, about having one of Mama's famous good old, where she squeezes the lemon into a glass and like a 10 bits of sugar okay you ain't bluffing like if you were doing a podcast walking down the street and you saw a lemonade stand with like a five-year-old girl selling it for 20 cents well what sort though well that would be squeezed from a lemon. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So you must spend a lot of time singing at children in the street behind their little lemonades. Well, only because most of the time they just have like a can, isn't it? It doesn't affect me. Just a can? Well, they're just drinking lemonade out of a can. Oh, they're just selling prepackaged, right? Prepackaged.

So it's got to be real authentic. It's got to be the real stuff. Homemade. Squeezed lemons, homemade with the sugar, mixed in. Not just out of a can. Sort of fantased, whatever it's called. Lilt. Sprite.

Not that. None of that affects me. None of that affects me. What's... But of course what I am affected by is Carl there with an elastic band on his finger. The elastic band is one of my triggers. Is that a trigger? When I see a man moving an elastic band.

It has to be a man moving an elastic band. Right. But then other things affect me, like a woman. Like a guest that hasn't spoken yet? What about, would that affect, how does that go? Does that make you sing? Well, if it's a guest, if it's a guest who hasn't really spoken much yet

with his left leg raised high, that would make me sing. But if it's the right leg, as now, then that would make me yodel. Is that yodeling? No, no, that's not yodeling, really. Well, it's not yodeling. I think the best way of describing it is...

It speaks for itself. It speaks for itself. It speaks for itself. I don't know what it is. I mean... Is that a separate world as well? Is that separate to the singing world? Oh, yeah, that is a separate... There are multiple dimensions you're being sucked into.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There are different worlds. There's the singing world, and then there's... Basically, I'm pulled apart by two opposing forces. I'm treading a narrow line because I always know I could drop into the singing world at any stage and then there's the... You're in the middle of this cruel podcast affecting Venn diagram.

Just right in the middle of the... and the singing. Well, yes, I am, yes. So I sort of tread a fine line between the... There's no word for it. I just have to do it and the singing. But, of course, in the three-dimensional world, there's also the other dangers of falling and going downward because I can go left or right or down into the...

I feel like two of your worlds are a little bit racist. In the wrong hands, they'd be racist. In their own worlds, I'm sure they're fine. Yeah, in my own world. But two of the worlds, if incorrectly handled by someone less skilled, could be a bit racist. I have to say, Paul, I've always looked at you with a degree of admiration and sort of looked and gone, oh, I wish I could have his life.

He's so good at comedy and he's got these big audiences that come to see him. And this whole time I had no idea you were walking such a tightrope in your personal life. Oh, he's horrendous. You can keep it. I wouldn't trade with you for quids. It sounds like a nightmare. It's a nightmare. I've got to say you can keep it it sounds like it it's I wouldn't trade with you for quids it sounds like a nightmare it's a nightmare I've got a singing one two of them that could be racist if done wrongly and then the fourth one that I dare not describe not I just I only hope that the fourth one doesn't happen in this podcast the fourth one is awful it's worse

than the potentially racist ones oh Oh, it's much worse. It's definitely racist ones. What do you do with that shoe polish? I wouldn't want to describe the fourth one. I would very much doubt it will happen. It very rarely does I've got notes written for the podcast

I'm scanning them as we speak looking for potential fourth dimension trigger words and so far I'm not coming up with anything so it's the same as the others

it's a word that sets it off it's one word one word one word that sets it off I think it's extremely unlikely it will happen can you give us a vague idea of what area is the word in

so we know to steer clear of it don't even make him think of the word because then we've seen what's happened in the past. Is the word Beetlejuice? No, I wouldn't want to say the word. I think it's very dangerous. I'm not going to play your game. I'm not going to say the word. I think it's unlikely that it will happen.

I think it's just so unlikely. It's a chance in a million for that word to come up. I'll tell you what, if this was a sitcom, I'd imagine during the podcast that word's going to come up. I'm just putting it out there. If this was a sitcom, and I'm pretty sure it's not. Hey, if I knew anything about the structure of comedy, I'd be guessing the same thing.

Yeah, well. I'm glad we got that out of the way. I doubt it. I doubt it. Me too. I'll put a million dollars on it. Okay. I have to say the two of us came in. I'll put a million dollars on it. Okay. I have to say the two of us came in here a bit worried that we may not have enough to

talk about on the podcast, but we've gotten a sweet 12 minutes out of someone just basically going, hmm, and I think we can say we're going to be all right. Yeah, yeah. I want to say, Paul, if I can lure you out of that dimension for a second. Oh, yeah, sorry. I just slipped into that one. Oh, that was very easy to get out of that dimension. Sorry, I just slipped into that one. That was very easy to get out of that time. The thing is, it's easy to...

We got lulled into a false sense of security there where we're kind of like, oh, yeah, that one's not such a big thing. We got busy with the fourth one. We were worrying about the fourth one. Those other dangers are still very present at all times. They're always there. It's only that the fourth one is so unlikely to happen.

What if the fourth one, whatever the fourth one is, and I don't want to get too far into it in case. Yeah, you don't know what the trigger word is, nor the effect. Exactly. What if the fourth one somehow conjures up, you know, like real lemonade as well, and all of a sudden we've got this horrible demonic mashup of the first and the fourth dimensions. Wait, the fourth one?

What do you mean? The fourth one is Paul making lemonade? Yeah, the fourth one conjures up lemonade within the fourth one, whatever the fourth one is. It produces real lemonade. And then he's stuck in the fourth one, singing away. Calling us back into the first one of singing and... Oh, sorry, am I just talking nonsense now?

What's this? What excess pressure being released because as you spoke too much there about the fourth one you got dangerously close because because you, so I had to release emergency pressure there. Right, right. Because basically you could be right that the fourth one, not only is it dangerous in itself, but it does also conjure up the other three within it. Wow.

So it's like it's got all of them. Wow. I hate these guests that come on the podcast and don't ever have the courtesy to release the pressure valve. Yeah, yeah. That's very, very kind and very rare, I think, in this country's podcasting circles.

And to be honest, it's great that you've talked about these four dimensions, but last week we had Husey talking about exactly the same thing, so we probably won't be able to release that episode. No, no. We'll use your version. Well, his dimension is very different, of course. What I want to talk about, Paul, very quickly,

is I don't think I've ever... Sorry about that, Carl. Just because it's been so long waiting for the first question, I had to just sort of wind myself up to get, you know... Yeah, sure. Because I was actually... We get that all the time. Because what happened is when I released the pressure,

the fourth dimensional pressure, I accidentally released the normal pressure as well. So I just had to crank it up a bit. I'm just going to say, I'm going to put it out there now. I cannot wait to hear the feedback off this episode. I think we're going to get equal parts lover and equal parts I don't know. I don't know what that was. Never make it happen again.

I'm in the former party. I'm't know. I don't know what that was. Never make it happen again. I'm in the former party. I'm loving it. But I'm just saying, this is what happens with people. I'm sure you've got some very black and white audience members, Paul. I think people either would fall in love with you or find it a bit too much for them. Mostly the people who like it are the people who come. The people who don't like it, I don't see them. I don't know them. Yes.

I don't know where they are. Sure. But oddly, a lot of the people who don't like it, when they see you on the TV a lot, then they decide they do like it. Oh, right.

Strange that, isn't it? Yeah, right. But yes, you're right. This could be very divisive. This, I mean, this podcast, there are people who are you know

they're loving the anarchy of it and others who want something a little bit more structured we're still waiting for the first

you know first question and I deeply apologise that I wasn't able to answer a question but you can understand I had to

repressurise myself after that well because I depressurised my normal self after depressurising the fourth dimensional self. I understand you.

So I had to do that. These are not decisions you're making on purpose. So these are not personal decisions. You know, there's going to be, there's numerous delays that have occurred. There are more delays that are going to occur, frankly, before you've given a chance to answer the question. Before you can ask the question,

I'm going back and singing. And then there's... I think that's one of the points that's going to be divisive right there. I think that's one of... In the crowd of people who aren't enjoying this episode, Michael Hing's parents, who tuned in because they're little baby boys on the show. They're yet to hear him speak. They're thinking at the moment, isn't as good as what Michael Hing's got to say.

There is no way they're listening to this. They could be secret fans, I don't know. What are your thoughts on all this, Michael? You have not given your point of view. We've given you plenty of space. I'm just happy to be a part of something bigger than myself. I just wanted to talk about moose. That's what I came on here to talk about.

That's fine. I can save that up. Yeah, we can I just wanted to talk about moose. That's what I came on here to talk about. But, you know, that's fine. Moose? I can save that up. Yeah, we can get to that. What is moose? Chocolate moose. Oh, I see. I thought your show was called Moose. Just like, stroppy that I wasn't allowed to plug my show.

I'm literally just here to talk about desserts. The show probably should be called Moose for the amount of time that we spend talking about it each week. Because you're quite a connoisseur, quite a food fan. You're a foodie. You'd be a fan of mousse, surely, in your dessert. Nice chocolate mousse with raw egg

yolk. With raw egg yolk. Raw egg white as well, of course. All the raw egg in it is what makes it so delicious, isn't it? Is it? Well, this is the thing I wanted to bring up with you guys, because these guys are massive fans of a specific kind of moose that's only available from a specific restaurant outlet. You can name it.

This is in the ABC. Right, yeah. Well, yeah, I discovered a vegan moose that I cannot tell the difference from the Nando's moose and this vegan moose. Oh. Yeah. Do you think maybe Nando's are doing secret vegan moose? Maybe. I don't know. I don't know. I don't think they are because it doesn't say and this vegan moose. Oh. Yeah. Anyway, that's all I had. Do you think maybe Nando's are doing like secret vegan moose?

Maybe. I don't know. I don't know. I don't think they are because it doesn't say it's vegan on it. Unlike the Nando's Moose, which they have raw chicken in their moose. This is a different. Mmm. I always just think that the raw, yeah, the raw, the bones give it that texture.

Yeah, that clash of textures. Yeah. Ideally, the chicken's still alive, just fighting for its life within the mousse. Drowning in the mousse at the same time. What a way to go. Gives it a lovely flavour. We should all be so lucky. I mean, who wants to bother putting raw egg yolk in when you can get...

Raw chickens. Raw chickens. Yeah, exactly. Give the raw egg yolk a time to develop. Then encase it into the mousse. Yes. Yeah. You see where I'm going. You know what I'm talking about. A chicken that's about to lay an egg suffocating in a mousse.

That's dream mousse. That's my best mousse. Favourite mousse. My favourite. Well, this is going to be the official first question to you, Paul. I just want to make sure I do this quickly be the official first question to you, Paul. I just want to make sure I do this quickly before anyone jumps in looking at you, Hing.

Now, I don't think in the history of our podcast I've ever had to deal with an assistant on the way to doing this podcast. I had your assistant call me on the way that you were here today. I was quite impressed. I've never had to deal with an assistant before. Well, he's my worker.

Your worker. Sorry, I gave him that too luxurious term, called it an assistant, just worker. Well, it depends. Like in jokey circles, I call him my worker. Right. And if it's on my website, then he's called the...

Because of my society, all my connoisseurs, my fan club, is called the Guild of Pulford Connoisseurs. Yes. So on that, he's called the general manager of the Guild of Pulford Connoisseurs. Right. But then sometimes he can be like my assistant. He's my assistant. He's my assistant is his official title. Right.

So like if he rings you, it's like I'm Paul's assistant. Yes. And sometimes if we're ringing British Airways or something, he'll be all, i'm paul foot's pa what's going on what's going on with that flight so it just depends what he says but he assists me does he ring british airways much asking about the flight and dropping your name well he's not dropping my name i mean it's a flight involving me. Oh, great. It's like booking 46HN31, flight to Beirut next Tuesday. It's not dropping my name. It's a name already associated with the booking.

It's only name dropping if you're saying it, if it's not relevant, if you're saying something like, oh, yeah, so just checking that Pul foot's in seat 43b just out of interest last week i was uh around the supermarket i bumped into michael cain that's name dropping yeah yeah it's not name dropping if you just sort of say uh i thought it was name dropping as in he was ringing about flights that you weren't connected with and just going well yes he does do that that's one of the reasons why I'm thinking of getting rid of him, giving him a sack.

He just rings up. He just says, well, what's all this then? I see you've got a flight going to Dallas this afternoon. He starts just asking them stupid questions. He's got nothing to do with it. Dropping my name in all the time. He always says, I know Paul Foot, I've met him. And they're like, yeah, alright, we've had

this call. It's the 15th call of the day like this. And they get fed up with it. Have you been blacklisted from British Airways now because of that? I am so sorry, Mr. Foot. I'm so sorry. We briefed you. I didn't...

I forgot the word. Who would have thought that was a chance in a million? The phrase is only that phrase blacklisted from British Airways. And I thought, what are the chances? In a podcast, in a thought, what are the chances in a podcast, in a podcast, what are the chances that went into the fourth dimension there? I just thought

it's very unlikely anyone is going to say the phrase blacklisted from British Airways. Why would you say that? How could that possibly come up in the conversation? How would you think that the phrase blacklisted from British Airways is going to conjure up the fourth dimension which happens to be the noise that a chicken makes

when it's encased in moose? Yeah. That happens to be that. Again, a chance for me that that should have been mentioned. Just circumstances galore. Yeah. You know, when I walked in, I thought, to this podcast, I thought most of what's happened today was going to happen.

I didn't pick that last bit. No. But you reckon... And also, circumstances galore. Also, circumcisions galore. Because that is another unwelcome result

of the fourth dimension. Oh, so we've all now been kind of orally circumcised by that noise that you made. Yeah, yes. Oh. Yeah, you will find... It seems weird that orally circumcised by that noise that you made. Yeah, yes. Oh. Yeah, you will find... Seems weird that orally circumcised isn't a trigger

for something in your world. Whoa! Whoa! Oh, my God. I've just created it. I mean, we just had to create something there because just the phrase orally circumcised deserved a new dimension to it, didn't it?

I mean, it would have been callous and rude for me not to have done something in response to that phrase. What were the chances of that coming up? I mean, so low. Even when blacklisted from British Airways came up, I still kind of thought, orally circumcised, it's still, that's not going to happen. No one would have predicted that.

Unbelievable. So you honestly think that the fourth dimension, what you did before, you think that that's worse than the yodelling and the singing? Because I've got to be honest, I find it kind of preferable. Well, I think the circumcision is maybe slightly shocking. Oh, well, yeah. It's the later results. You're not shocked at the moment,

but you don't have your pants open looking downwards. Yeah. Once you do that, and once we all do that to you You'll all be shocked Not to reveal too much Personal stuff about myself But what if You already have that done

What is the noise Does that Am I like double It's going to reattach itself Is that what happens Is that how it works Is there a Is there a

Like a risk That the people Listening to that Because this is going out Over the airwaves now That's all gone And that can be the new And there's a lot of girls That listen to that, because this is going out of the airwaves now. Oh, they're all gone. That's all gone. And that can be the new... And there's a lot of girls that listen to this now.

Yeah. And that's tragic. Yeah. But I'm saying maybe that's the new way that you know that the people you're hanging out with are also dumb dumb fan clubs. Oh, right. Oh, yeah. Yeah?

Right. You're just going to get your dicks out. So if they come to a live podcast that we're doing very soon... Yeah, for example. Yeah, for example. And we say to everyone, who's listened to last week's episode? And they put their hand up. And we go, no, no, no.

Prove it. Show us your dicks. Don't put your hand up. Drop your trowel. And let's say it. And show us that you're a true fan. Yeah. Like Paul's got his connoisseurs.

That's what he calls his fans, connoisseurs. Yeah. We can have our. Circumstitions. Circumstance. Circumstance. Circum, cum, pop. Oh, boy. Circumcised. Circumcised. Circum-cum-club. Oh, boy.

That's so awful. That's not it. That's not it. Really awful. The snippets. The snippets. The snippets. The little snippets.

The snippets. The snippets. You can say, have you heard any snippets from the new podcast? Yeah, right. Okay. Well, that's good. That's an idea, isn't it? We're going to sort out the wheat from the chaff now

with our true listeners. Let's have a session where we get to the bottom of what would be the best name to give it where no one is fearful of poor puns. Because I felt that bit there, we were trying to get a good name, but the fear of coming up with a poor pun was holding us back.

It was like a... All right, we're in a safe zone. We're in a safe zone. No judgment here. No judgment. I'm just trying to think of a word that describes a group of people who are all circumcised. What would that word be? I don't know.

I'm sure there is a word to describe a group of people who are definitely... Maybe it's for a religious thing or something, or just something that brings them all together. I can't think of what that would be, though. I don't. Well, given that Paul intro'd this, I reckon it's safe to say he's sitting on at least a good handful of them. Would that be fair? Sitting on a...

A handful of puns. Literally a good handful. A group of people. Yes, yes. So we were coming up with a name for the people who listen to this podcast. The true devotees. In fact, those who've listened to this podcast up to this point. Let's face it, there would have been thousands of people

who would have tuned off earlier. So we're talking about those people who are still listening and we're talking about men who have now become orally circumcised by it or women who have not been affected but would have been if they were men.

So it doesn't circumcise women. That doesn't happen with that thing. No, no, it doesn't affect them. Wow, well, I take back my previous comments about tragedy then. Oh, no, no, women just go normal. This is just convenient then. It's not a tragedy at all. Isn't it sad that we'll never have a way of knowing

which women listen to this show? From now on, there's going to be no horror. If we have this episode, we don't need to have any scalpels at a bris. We just need a podcast now. Yeah, just pop your earbuds into your baby's ear, play them that segment, and then you've saved yourself some money. Wow.

That's convenient, and that's going to grow our fan base. That's almost perfect. Go to the Moyle Club, everybody. So what is your podcast called normally? What it used to be called, the Little Dum Dum Club. The Dum Dum. Little Dum Dum Club. Little Dum Dum Club. Do you mean, or people, what do we call people who listen?

Yeah, what do you call the people who listen? We call them Dum Dummers or friends of the show. Or Dummos. Yeah. Dummers. So we've got to get a pun. Yeah. It's a bit like that Yeah

Sir Sir Dumbcision That's something Hey Hey Come on No wrong answers I'm sorry

No wrong answers I disrespected the safe house I'm sorry Dumbers Yeah Could it not be called Sir Cummers Hey

Yeah Yeah That's Something Yeah That's There's no bad idea That's pretty much the same thing That you said Carl Comers. Hey. Yeah, that's something. Yeah. There's no bad idea. That's pretty much the same thing that you said, Carl. It sounds nicer coming out of Paul's mouth than it does coming out of yours.

I think I said that at the start, didn't I? That's not the point. That's not the point. The point is we've been through all the options, discussed it sensibly, and at the end of it, I have had the idea. That's fresh. That's the important thing. That's a good idea, Paul. Not whether you

had that original idea ten minutes ago and it was your idea. That's not the point. That's not the point. The point is I've just said it. Doesn't matter who comes up with it first, it's who comes up with the best. I think you've nailed it. The thing is, in a lot of creative things, in fact,

most of the world, it's who comes up with the idea first. most of the world, it's who comes up with the idea first. But in this case, it's who comes up with the idea last who is the winner. Who's been creative last? Have you got an idea? I've got an idea. This is going to be great, whatever this is. It's going to be great coming out of Paul's mouth

in about ten minutes. Exactly. This is going to be excellent. We sometimes call our listeners friends of the show, which we sort of shorten to FOTS, if you spell it out. Fotskin. Fotskin. Yeah.

How about the Fotskins? That is great. Oh, yes. That is so much. That's a good idea. Oh, my God. I'm embarrassed about what I said before. I'm embarrassed.

What were you thinking? Oh, terrible. I've really been taking the school. Just glad we thinking? Oh, terrible. This is bullshit you're doing, Dazzler. I've really been taking the school. Just glad we've got the internationals in to clean this show up. Matt, should I just give you the script of my comedy festival show, Paul? Just do it back at me and then I'll do it. That'll be a good version of it.

Really clean it up. So the point is we've got a name for those people who are still listening. Still listening. Or two names. Yeah. The Sir Cummers or the Fotskins. Maybe people can vote on which one they like more and then that'll be our next T-shirt that we make.

Yeah. But we're still waiting for the first... No, we have had the first question. Yeah, we had the first question. The first question was, you have an assistant. Oh, I have an assistant. There was a question mark at the end of it. That's a question.

Yeah, that was a question. Carl dazzled by the bright lights of showbiz. Parky over here. Yeah, exactly. I asked the tough ones. Because I think the only person we've had with any form of assistant before is Charlie Murphy. Eddie Murphy's brother had an entourage.

So you are now in the hallowed hall of fame of having assistants on this show. That's who I... The only person I can compare you to is Charlie Murphy. Charlie Murphy? Yeah. Well... Have you ever been compared to Charlie Murphy? I mean, I'd assume so before.

Well, yeah, he's one of the big comparisons that's made. So, yeah. You're like the Charlie Murphy of comedy. It's the bane of my life, really. People always say, Oh, well, Charlie Murphy, he was in here with three assistants last week and you just think, Charlie Murphy of comedy. It's the bane of my life, really. People always say, oh, well, Charlie Murphy, he was in here with three assistants last week,

and you just think, oh, God. Charlie Murphy. I can't stand it. Yeah, yeah. It's separated at birth. I mean, ironically, I'm having to employ a separate assistant now just to deal with the Charlie Murphy comments. Yeah.

To keep it at bay. Ironically, I actually now employ more staff than Charlie Murphy. Yeah, right. So, you know, it's actually gone the other way. Well, there's a lot of planes out there that you've got to, you know, ring up and drop your name at. So there'd be quite a few, quite a bit of that work. Careful, don't talk about planes, Carl.

You know, you're getting so close to the, you could accidentally end up talking about a certain airline based in London. Before you know it, that phrase could come in. Don't do that. Yes, Tommy? What about your second assistant? Does he ever call up and trouble any large companies in the way that your first assistant does with a certain airline that we shall not name?

That's like the Hamlet of airlines, isn't it? Who shall not be named. I do actually. This sounds really silly but i do actually have a second staff member in england oh really part-time staff member i employ 1.2 staff right all together point two so that means they do one day a week one day a week oh okay one day a week yeah sure what happy to get into the maths for you guys. Breaking the stereotypes. And what does your second assistant do then?

Well, he helps me with all online things like my YouTube channels and uploading things and tidying up playlists and sorting out all sorts of things. Playlists? Playlists and stuff. He's in charge of your iPod? No, it's like, isn't it like you get a playlist on YouTube or something and people can watch or something. He tidies it and sorts it all

out and writes to people if they put things up that they're not supposed to put up that we decide we don't want up. Oh, really? Threatens them with legal action. Nice things like that. Does he have an official title as well? He is online publicity

manager. Right. Public publicity manager. Right. Publicity manager. That's pretty good. So he'll be the one that's shooting this podcast out. You'll come in one day a week and that's his day next week is just putting this podcast out there. Or he'll also be the one just sending you guys cease and desist letters.

Can you cut out every bit of Paul from this podcast and we'll have about seven seconds? Yeah, he'll know about this. He'll know about tonight. Excellent. He will know. What's his name? Well, his real name is...

Well, basically, and I've got to be careful here what I say, but basically, his name is Jack Cullen. Basically. And on my website, there are various characters on my website. I even have staff members on my website. On my website is a picture of me dressed up as Penny with my Penny mask. That's when I dress up as a lady. And there's also a picture of Errol, my assistant.

Should we go back to when you dress as a lady? Should we get back to that? Why are you dressing as a lady on your website? Oh, that's because there's a character that I do on stage called Penny. Oh, okay. And then I dress as Penny on my website. Right. And Penny is my archivist.

But Penny is really like a different aspect of my own personality. Oh, so your assistant that I met before, was that you as well? Yeah, that was me in a hologram. Sounds like you've got more in common with Eddie Murphy than Charlie Murphy. Well, yeah. But Aaron, who you saw, he appears on my website

as a child version of himself. And Jack Cullen, who also works for me, he appears on my website in a gollywog version of himself because because in a previous show i had a show is this one of another one of the racist dimensions that we're getting back to i had a show in which i appeared on stage with the gollywog version of myself it was dressed like me but in a gollywog version so i made a gollywog version of him on my website. So he's called Jack, but I don't call him Jack.

I call him Ken. Can I ask about the gollywog version of you? Did you get that specially made, or did you just find it in a shop and someone had already made it? I bought it from a normal shop, and then I got my aunt to convert it to look like me. Convert it? She made...

How many days a week is she working for you? Is she just on gollywog duties? Point three of a week? She's like one day a month gollywog duties. Well, conversion duties. So she bought material that looked like my jacket and made a jacket that looked exactly like me. And then I had a tie,

and she cut the tie, like one end of the tie, and made that into a mini tie for the doll for the doll is the do you still have the gollywog

in the home in England yeah I love it yeah he's still there and I might resurrect him at some stage

there's different things there's skeleton Johnston half skeleton half Mr. Johnston and I had I had it made I've got it like it's a skeleton Johnston, half skeleton, half Mr. Johnston. And I had it made. I've got it like it's a marionette puppet about half the size of me. And I had a skeleton Johnston made. And he has appeared in shows of mine before and like walks around.

And I do the speaking for him. And he's just half skeleton, half Mr. Johnston. So he's half kind of skeleton and half got clothes on. And he's like trapped between life and death. But at the moment, he's just trapped in my cupboard. But later he'll come out and he does his skeleton Johnston act. Yeah, I love it. What do you do in your show, Hing?

Something probably fucking boring. Oh, just a bunch of talking. Oh, God. But look, there are. Whoa, just a bunch of talking. But look, there are no puppets. It's pretty shit. This kind of segues into something I've got to talk about. Is this the second question? This is going to be a statement

that may lead into a bit of chat off the back of it. Because so far you haven't actually asked a question, Tom. No, no. There's been no first question from you. It's been quite noticeable, hasn't it? Very noticeable. Please make your comment. Okay.

I have a child version of myself in my comedy festival show this year. I just did the show in Brisbane and I had a... So it's like one year younger than you? Yeah. I had a 17 year old kid do the bit for me in Brisbane. He's a guy who finished high school last year. He was at uni studying teaching.

So he's coming in after uni and doing the show. He did really well on the show every night. He was just doing stand-up. Anyway, he messaged me the other day and was like, hey, thanks so much for having me in the show. I really appreciate the opportunity and I had a great time doing it. Being in your show has inspired me to give comedy a crack full time. So I've dropped out of university and I'm now just going after comedy full time. And like, you know, his parents

came and saw my show and I was like, oh man, they must be hating me right now. Isn't that? What an awful thing to say about someone. Yeah. It was kind of, yeah, yeah. So he listens to the podcast then, does he? He'll be hearing this episode where you describe his life decisions as a mistake? Well, I mean, it's cool. How would you feel about that? Paul, if someone came to you and said, you know, you've inspired me to drop out of...

Mr. Johnson is inspired. I think it's good. You think it's good? I think people should take their dreams, shouldn't they? Drop out of what? What does that mean? Drop out of what? What does that mean, drop out? What, drop out of going into a really conventional job that you'd hate?

Oh, I've just dropped out of like a soul-destroying life that I could have made for myself. Oh, I've dropped right out of that. Oh, I'm following my dream. Oh, no. Oh, I'm going to just, I'm just going to, I'm following my dream. Oh, no. Oh, I'm going to just, I'm just going to, I'm just going to without fear, just

follow my dream, see where it goes. Oh, no. I've dropped out of just getting up every day, not questioning your life. Don't question things. Just get on with it. Just follow what your parents want to do. Shout out to everyone that listens to the podcast at work.

And at university on the bus on the way there. He was starting to be a teacher, though. Like, that's, you know, that's kind of a really... If he wants to be a teacher, if he didn't... It's all right. I'm not criticising people who've got jobs. If people want to do a job and they really enjoy it, that's great. Do your job, enjoy it.

But if you don't want to do it, if you don't want to do something else... Oh, for sure. Just do it. That room that you did in Brisbane. Yeah. It's not like this kid, like it seems like this kid just wants to drop out of school. Yeah, true. Because he's doing that gig with you.

And to be fair, that room is a small room. It's like a 30 seater. Yeah, yeah. It's not like you're doing the Hammersmith Palais every night with thousands of people. That real venue, yeah. Hammersmith Palais, that's a real venue. Is it? Isn't it, Paul? The Hammersmith Palais, that's a real venue. Is it? Isn't it, Paul?

The Hammersmith Palais, that's a real venue. Isn't it the Hammersmith Apollo? Yeah, the Hammersmith Apollo. Okay, let's... It could be called the Hammersmith Palais in France. Yeah. Okay, sure. It could be the name, fascist death alone.

Yeah, sorry. I ran that through the wrong babelfish. The Hammersmith Apollo. So it's not like he's seen you in some stadium and gone, that's what I want to do someday. True. He's just seen you in a 30-seater and gone, I don't want to go to school next year anymore.

Yeah, that's very true. But he appeared in the show as well. Yeah, he was in it, yeah. These dreams are attainable. This is absolutely right. That's how I started. Well, how about this? On the chance that if he does contact me in a few years and go,

you know, comedy's not worked out. You really fucked my life on that day. Can I get on to you and can he get a job as your assistant in a few years' time just to keep him going? I'll feel a lot better about it if I know there's a backup. Is that where your assistants have come from? They've dreamed of being your assistant? Is it something that they've...

Well, yeah, although in my case, like with Aaron, for example, that was like his nightmare. It was like his worst nightmare came true. It's like it just happened. So you're encouraging him to drop out then? Well, actually, this is quite interesting, actually. We're getting into serious topics. One, I don't agree with anything you said, Tommy, about this.

I just think if he wants to do it, that should be his dream. He should go for it. Oh, no, I do. for it I think it's cool I was that age when I started out Oh well he's left it Oh he could have gone into a job and he could be earning a job as an actuary but he never did that

He can do that later if he wants to You can never lose You can't fail anyway, you just keep going You realise all that didn't quite work You adjust it, do something How can you fail? You can't fail anyway. You just keep going. You realise all that didn't quite work. You adjust it, do something. How can you fail? You can't fail at anything. You can only fail if you don't go for it.

Failure is part of learning. Failure is how one becomes successful. So he's got nothing to fear. On the subject of my assistant, Aaron, that is actually quite amusing in a real way, actually, is that the fact is that working for me, he's worked for me for nearly three years now, that's the only proper job he's ever done,

is working for me. That's his career. That's his career development. That's going to be tough going into the second job. So what life experience have you had in your last job? I used to ring up British Airways and complain. But why didn't you get anywhere with British Airways? What was the reason for that?

What do you mean? Wrong number, wrong number. Why didn't you get on with British Airways? Was there a reason? Why didn't I? Yeah, why was there a reason? No, no, no. I'm saying this is harking back to something you...

I was just checking. I thought he was going to say that. Yeah, he was setting you up, Carl. Again, the master improviser at work. Play the game. I don't know. Carl there was hot right on the ball there. So you should go back to university.

You shouldn't have followed your dream. No, this is inspiring me to drop out of comedy. Yeah. go back to university. You shouldn't have followed your dream. I want to know, this is inspiring me to drop out of comedy. Well, I think, you know, that's also another result, isn't it, you know, of a podcast. It could be that one or more people involved in a podcast drop out

of comedy immediately. If you were to suggest a job with transferable skills for your assistant to go into after he stops working for you, do you have an idea? What is the second phase of his career after working with you for three years? Well, he could...

Well, all sorts of things. That's just being serious. He could... Being serious? I'm not going to be serious. There's loads of jobs in comedy you could work for. It's not going to be serious. There's loads of jobs in comedy you could work for.

But, you know, working back in the promotional, you know, the agents, all that sort of stuff. Usher at the Hammersmith Palais. Usher. Yeah, Usher. Ice cream seller. Yeah. All that sort of stuff. Does he put assistant when he comes on his passport, when he puts his forms in at the airport? Does he put Paul Foote's assistant?

What does he put as a job I'm not sure because he's got a visa his visa is connected to my visa I think it says assistant to Paul Foot I think so

I'm not sure I haven't seen it but it's always all electronic isn't it so I don't know what it says but yes it does have assistant on things

saying something you know but I think he doesn't really I don't think he really wants to work in the comedy industry. He only likes working for me.

He'll just work for me, and then he doesn't have a general desire to work in the comedy industry. When he starts working for me, he'll just go and do something else. I don't know what he'll do. So because he's your assistant, then how does he get paid? Does he sign his own cheques? How does that work? Yeah, he would write out a cheque,

and then when I'm given a few wines and when I'm sufficiently drunk, I'll just sign whatever it is. That's how it works. Wow. I think I should take on an assistant. I legitimately think I could use an assistant. I'd like an assistant. What would you get him to do if you had an assistant?

I'm a busy man, Michael. I'm not saying you're not a busy man. I'm not saying your life couldn't deal with some organisation, Carl. I do a podcast. I do gigs. Yeah, man. I could find room for an assistant. If anyone wants to be my assistant out there.

What are we talking pay rates wise? Because I'm looking for work obviously. Very low. Very low. No, I want something good. Yeah, no, I could do it, man. Yeah, what could you... Why?

What's your past experience? Who have you assisted before? Just... Charlie Murphy? Yeah, I wasn't allowed to be part of Charlie Murphy's entourage. He said I wasn't. I kept saying words that would trigger him into dimensions because we were fucked up.

But no, I've got loads of experience being an assistant. Hang on, we'd better talk to Paul again. He's losing interest. He's looking down. I was only looking down because I thought I heard Aaron's voice coming from downstairs. I thought maybe he's downstairs politely waiting. Right.

With the checkbook. But then I wasn't sure whether he hasn't come back yet because he went away for 45 minutes. Right. So are we approaching that time now, are we? I don't know because I haven't got a clock. We are getting here. I haven't got a clock. This will be good.

This will be good when he comes back. The listeners can look at their little time codes on their iPods and go, uh-oh, we're getting close. We're certainly getting close. So is that about it? Yeah, I think that's about it for this week. Michael Hing, Paul Foote, thank you very much for joining us. Thanks, mate. Michael, both of you have shows on all month

at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. Yeah. Michael, yours is? Mine is entitled Built on Throwment at 28. It's a very sad show with very few jokes in it. We've got enough. Okay, cool. Yeah, cool.

Don't go to this show. Yeah, man. Right. And Paul, your show is called Words. Plugs for his own show set him off. That's very unfortunate. The title of your show is setting you off because that's bound to come up a few times within the Comedy Festival.

I know, it is a terrible... It is a real nuisance. It comes and goes all the time. It should have come up before now, I would have thought as well. Now what's happening is it's starting to make me... Go in between the different dimensions. Okay, well. You fixed someone

with an assistant. The one job they could have done was found out that the show title was going to set you off into some sort of interdimensional fit.

But if they find out that, what are they going to do? What can they possibly do about it? Interdimensional fit. That was another phrase that no one was expecting in this podcast. Well, guys, thank you very much for joining us. Guys, thanks for listening.

Thank you. Comedy Festival is on now. Yeah. Head out and check some stuff out. In Melbourne, of course. In Melbourne, of course. Let's not just be presumptuous and think that not everyone lives in Melbourne. Well, Melbourne listeners, get out.

Check some stuff out. There's heaps of stuff on. It's going to be a great month. All of our stuff, obviously. Yeah. Thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mates.

Oh.