The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 182 - Live! Kyle Kinane, Lawrence Mooney & Charlie Pickering

Episode Date: April 2, 2014

Chandler's Birthday, Kinane's Wikipedia and Mooney's Fake Chinese. Recorded LIVE at Five Boroughs in Melbourne, March 30, 2014. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Melbourne, this is it. The Comedy Festival has started. Get out there and see some shows. My show is called Dreamboat. It's on 8.15 every night at ACMI until April the 20th. Carl Chandler's show, Carl Chandler's Got Talent, is 9.45 at the Portland Hotel. We've both worked super hard on these shows. It's different stuff to what you've heard in the podcast. We're both very, very good at stand-up, and we would love to see you there. We really love the support. You know, not to turn this into a pity party, but we do bust our asses doing this thing for free every week, and we really, really appreciate it when you guys throw a few bucks our way, buy a ticket, come see the show, and you'll have a really good time. We really, really hope you guys can make it out over the three weeks.

And also on Sundays, of course, we've got the live podcasts happening. A bunch of special guests booked in already. 5 p.m. at Five Burrows in the CBD. We've got season tickets on sale through our website, littledumbdumbclub.com. Also, if you're in Sydney, we're doing our solo shows up there, May 10th and the 11th at the Factory Theatre. We're also doing a live Little Dumb Dumb Club recording

with special guests at the Factory at 5.30 on the Saturday. And if you want to come see the podcast and then both of our solo shows in the one night, there's a $50 three-show super pass that you can get uh again available through the website Hey, Maze. Welcome, everyone, to the first live Dumb Dumb Club of the Melbourne International Comedy Festival for 2014. My name is Tommy Dasolo. Thank you very much for joining us.

Standing next to me is the other half of the program and birthday boy, Carl Chandler. Good day, dickheads. Yeah. You were born on this day. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday dear Chandler. Happy birthday to you. Hip hip. Hooray. Hip hip. Hooray. Hip hip. Hooray. Good little trick. Structurally seems like something that probably should have happened at the end of the year.

It's a bit weird to open with that. I like when it goes, happy birthday dear, and then everyone had a different name. Everyone's going, happy birthday dear fuckhead, chando, fuckwit. Who yelled out chan man? Who went for that? Anyone? No? One person with their hand up.

What was the consensus? Chandler? Thanks for coming, guys. No refunds. Who hysterically started laughing as we just walked on? Like, it was just our appearance that was just fucking hilarious. Who laughed at that? All right, not so funny now.

All right, good one. This isn't deliberate deliberate by the way that we've dressed I'm like kind of all in white and Carl's all in black it's kind of like the good and evil

of podcasting it's not an intentional thing you're looking good you're looking fresh and summery thanks man you look like some sort of Haynes catalogue model

thanks you look like you were just waiting tables downstairs I'm a grown up that's how we met you were waiting tables and you used to always see me in your catalogues

that were out the back of the restaurant you'd go one day I'll meet him one day I saw you and went why don't we make a fake radio show thanks for coming to my big birthday party everyone you know what I did this morning I went for breakfast with my girlfriend.

She took an hour this morning to remember it was my birthday, so that was nice. And then we went to breakfast, and then as we're coming back, she goes, hang on, how old are you? And I said, 38. She goes, fucking hell. So I got that going on. Yeah.

Wow. Impressive. So someone came here early and had bought ten packets of mousse? Yeah. Of chocolate mousse. Has anyone else bought mousse? Or is that all? Just a lazy ten from one person?

Yeah, is that all? Someone had their hand up at the back? Someone back there bought mousse? Yeah? How much mousse did you bring? Don't be shy about bringing mousse. Why would you be embarrassed of that? By the way, this is an audio medium,

so please stop putting your hands up when I ask questions. If you could respond verbally, that would really help us get this thing over the line. I just want to know how much, I want to do the maths of how much, what volume of chocolate mousse we're sitting on right now that you have to eat live at the end of this show. And when you ask, like ask like oh you know what

so you've got in ask for 10 chocolate mousse which is an odd request i would have thought this is what happened the other day i was working i'm working with josh uh josh you know uh is the host of speaks in facts now and i write for that we went it sounds really weird but we went into nando's for lunch and it was almost like the person at nando's knew about me already because i walked up and asked, I said, can I have one chocolate mousse? And she goes, just the one. Like, when is, how used to, you know, ordering a million mousses is she?

Like, that's never happened, has it? Apart from today. Yeah. But the best thing about this was this guy came in and it was like this gift that he'd gotten you where he's gone, hey, mate, happy birthday, I bought you 10 mousse. Hey, is there a fridge here that I can store them in? Because you've got to bring the storage solution for your own gift.

Oh, look, before we get on to our guest, I just want to bring this up. I haven't showed you this yet. I am, you know, being in podcasts, I'm already fairly big in media. But this week I made the cover of the local newspaper, the local progress leader. But this week I made the cover of the local newspaper, the local progress leader. So I'm clogging up storm drains all around Melbourne at the moment. But how's this? I had a good look at it the other day.

So there's the press shot of me. And you guys can have a look at this a bit later. But if you look very closely, look at that. Got fucking a big slab of Vegemite on my face. As I'm posing for the front cover of a newspaper, I haven't bothered washing my face. What was that? You were like starting to black up when they got there and they were like,

no, that probably won't play on the cover of the leader. That's not really our bag. But who's less professional, me by leaving a centimetre of food on my face or the photographer going, ah, fuck it, it's only a local newspaper. And it would have been so easy to like Photoshop out as well. To retouch it would have taken no effort.

I've just got a big slab of Vegemite on my face and I don't even eat Vegemite. So, I don't know what the fuck happened. We put a call out for anyone who wanted to send in any birthday messages for you, any birthday telegrams. We have a good one here. Let me just find it. One from an old friend of yours, Peter

Field. An old Maryborough cohort of yours. Happy birthday Changa. We'll be having none of this Chan man crap on your birthday. It's Chang and he's my clang. Oh boy. Thanks Fieldsy. Not playing as well as I thought. Congratulations on another year of glorious immaturity and fun. No matter what part

of the comedy world you find yourself in or whichever famous dickhead you chat with, you'll always be that goal scoring, comic book reading, hot chip eating, Atari playing, mad magazine folding guy from Maryborough to us. Thanks for all the laughs over the last 38 years. Remember, if Ryan Giggs is still playing for Manchester United at the tender age of 40, there is hope for all of us.

Well, that was sweet rather than funny. Yeah. I really played better in my head when I was reading it out on the way here. I thought that, yeah, Atari playing. I don't know, you're into video games? Yeah, but very interesting, isn't it, everyone? You know what I say, start strong. Just put all the funny bits up the front.

It's not my fault, he's your fucking friend. It's your shit, mate, not mine. But I'm not dumb enough to fucking mention everything he says. All right, I reckon this one's a bit better. Happy birthday to the almost rad dad. My present since I can't be there to present a moose is a confession. A few years ago for a school talent show, I offered to do a comedy set

and I literally wrote out my favourite Carl Chandler jokes from Twitter and read them on stage as my set. They're only a couple of dozen people but it got massive laughs. Also, I technically never lied since I never said that I wrote them and the two people who asked got the truth that I borrowed them from your Twitter feed. But for the rest of the crowd, I was a comical highlight. If you take any from this email, it's that your comedy is so good that it's worth stealing. Totally a compliment, right?

The answer is yes. See you, mate. I'm glad he wasn't taking it from my Twitter feed this week, because it would have been, come along to my solo show, you cunts. Yeah. So I sent him a cease and desist and said, go fuck yourself, you little prick. Love, Carl Chandler. Love at Carl Chandler on Twitter.

Lovely. Hey, let's get our first guest out. What do you think? yourself, you little prick. Love, Carl Chandler. Love at Carl Chandler on Twitter. Lovely. Hey, let's get our first guest out. What do you think? Yeah, absolutely. Okay. He is an international visitor of the Comedy Festival. He's been on the show a couple of times before. He's one of our very favourites.

Please go crazy and welcome into the little dum-dum club, Kyle Kinney! Yay! Oh, thank you. Welcome aboard Oh thanks The first time you were on our show was Carl's birthday as well Was it? Yeah, the very first time That's really weird

Two years ago A lot of preparation has gone into today, guys. We've really worked out a lot of good stuff to say. More fact than humour. Yeah, absolutely. Have you been finding it so far? Good. I'm trying not to be a stupid American,

but it's going to happen regardless, so my apologies in advance. I like no culture. Like, oh, they called McDonald's Macca's. Now I have to go. Like, that's the extent of it. We don't have any idea what that's like, no. Being in another country and just wanting to try out the Macca's.

Sounds weird. I got one of those weird text messages that people fucking send me just before I went on. When, you know, what's that thing about, you know, they send it and it says, it doesn't come from the number, they just tell you who it is at the top? You know that thing? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what I'm talking about? That thing, yeah. Boy, did Peter Field write the start of this episode? And now Dave O'Neill's ringing. All right, hang on. Let's just get to Dave O'Neill. He's already bombing so bad. We're just looking at our phones

is that where we're at right now hello happy birthday thanks Dave yeah am I on the I was going to say on the radio but am I on the podcast so there's like 200 people

listening at this point is that what goes on no no no be as racist as you want I've got a few things I want to say about a few fellow comedians. Like you,

oh man, you know, you ripped me off that guy. No, I didn't mean it creatively. Keep going, you're killing. Happy birthday.

You know what Carl wants for his birthday, everyone? He wants people to turn up to his show, alright? That's what he really wants. Anyway,

Tommy Dantzler's got a strip for you now, so I'll leave you to it. Awesome. Okay, see you, Dave. So, Carl, when you said before, let's hurry out and get our first guest on here, what you meant was I'm just going to answer my phone while he sits here in silence.

No, I feel real special. Thanks for having me on. Hey, thanks for flying halfway across the world to do this. Yeah. Now, you heard a fact about Kyle that we didn't know? Oh, no, I checked and it's not true. Oh, shit. Yeah, I was very excited.

There's a thing on your Wikipedia that you were in an episode of The Nanny. Yeah. At some point, my Wikipedia page became this living art project that I don't know who adds to it. And I'm kind of sad that you confirmed that it's not true now. Yeah. The way you confirmed that it's not true, couldn't you have done that? I don't want to confirm it.

I want people to think I played young Roger Clinton in The Nanny. Yeah, that's what it is. Because on your Wikipedia, and it links to the article of that episode on IMDb. And so I saw it and I was like, oh, well, if IMDb's gotten involved, it must be legit. Like, this must be for real. Yeah, nobody's throwing bullshit up on that website before.

Yeah. That's where you date a girl in Hollywood and you find out she has an IMDb page and it's just student films. You're like, all right, take it easy. Yeah, that's so because like usually you know like a lot of people's fake wikipedia stuff comes from like them talking it's like if someone you know goes on a radio show and goes oh i hate this and then it's on

their wikipedia be like yeah he loves this like fight but like do you have any idea where that's come from is that like i have no idea where it's come from and the fact that wikipedia like i think it still polices itself and so a lot of the more outlandish things have been removed. Right. But that's lasted up until now that it's confirmed that it's not a fact. Right. That's such a shame that the festival hasn't got posters all over town. Come and see Kyle Canani who played Sheffield.

Yeah, and the poster is just you in that kind of cartoon style of you opening credits and Canani just like walking down the street. That would be incredible. Yeah. What's the most outlandish thing that's ever been on your Wikipedia? I don't remember if there was that. Well, because now I've got to call out the other fact that's on there. Fact.

About my grandfather was Lon Chaney's stuntman. Oh, yeah. I read that. It's the stuntman in the movie The Werewolf. He was a werewolf stuntman. Yeah. Not true. I'm shaking my head so it's not confirmed over audio.

You guys are blowing it. Now I'm just going to have a suck Wikipedia page looking for videos. Just full of all those real cool things you've done on TV. Now I'm a notable citizen of my hometown of Addison, Illinois, along with Leon Spinks, the professional boxer, when he was in his bankruptcy years. That's what came out of my hometown, was Leon Spinks, the lead singer, Material Issue,

who killed himself by sitting in his garage with a moped running. Oh, clank. And a guy who murdered his girlfriend and cut the baby out of her womb and that kid still stayed alive. So that's where I'm from. See if I've got any more Peter Field emails here to read. Lighten the mood.

Hey, at least you weren't in the nanny though. Lighten the mood. Hey, at least you weren't in the nanny though, so... We asked our audience on the way in here to fill out a little dickhead census, answer some questions for us. One of them was, what's the worst birthday present you've ever received? One person's put a Toblerone

taped to a can of Jack Daniels in the library. Isn't that how someone got killed in Cluedo? That sounds like a great present. You get a bit of booze, you get a choccy, you're in a library. What's the best present you've got, if that's the worst one? Who's that person?

Yeah? What's your best present then? Why does that suck? It was just random. It was just random. Okay. In the middle of class. In the middle of class?

You got that gift in the middle of class? Who's walking up to you in the middle of the classroom and giving you those things? Where did you go to school? Holmesglen. No comment? Everyone can assemble their own joke in their heads Oh this one I quite like What's the worst birthday present you've ever received?

A voucher to this show And it didn't even work So how did they give us that message if it didn't work? Did they just throw it through the window? Who was that? Who got a voucher to this show? Well, they're not here because it didn't work. This is baffling. This has come through, this has come

filtered through the Bermuda Triangle or something. This is, someone got an Inception present. I just like this one. Nothing else that's written on this is any good, but just above all of the questions at the very top of the page, this person has just written, I drive a truck. Maybe, is that person here, or have they given a lift home to the person who didn't get in on the voucher?

Sweet man. As an American, I appreciate that sentiment. Oh, man, that's the guy that I did a gig last week at Spleen and I started doing some of my renowned crowd work, which was basically just calling people cunts, I think. And I think I went to town on this guy about smoking speed for about half an hour and then at the end, after I'd just destroyed his character, he went,

by the way, I listen to your podcast every week. Well, that doesn't happen anymore, does it? So I apologise for making up such an elaborate lie about truck drivers. I'm sure the new cliche about truck drivers is they're great guys and they sleep a lot. It's a stereotype for a reason. Are you on speed now? It's a stereotype for a reason. Are you on speed now?

We were doing a gig together in Brisbane and I saw a bit of your renowned crowd work. I was listening from offside a stage and you were doing crowd work and it was going really well and then you did a joke and the audience didn't care for the joke as much and you said, alright, well you guys fucking tell me

what you want to hear. And someone yelled out, something funny. And then you go, okay, you're a cunt. Carl Chandler. Got two laughs. Carl Chandler, television writer.

I'm just like, it's like you probably thought I was Adam Hills there for a second, but that's not the case. Kyle, you were on one of the shows that Kyle writes for the other day. Was there any bit where the host yelled the C word at you? Yeah, my go-to jokes were calling the opera singer next to me a bitch. That's all it was.

Good work, well done. Yeah, that was mine. You know the bit when they said, who's the drummer from The Beatles? Paul McCartney. No, you dumb cunt. I think we've reached the C word threshold.

People have hit their limit. I actually, because we're in, what, day four of the Comedy Festival, I had, yeah, look, this is not going to help, but I, especially not going to help people that are thinking, should I go and see a solo show or not? I've had some good shows. I had a show

the other night that uh two people walked in like 10 minutes late sat down listened to five minutes and then started talking really loudly and i was like what are you talking about and then they were just not even looking at me and i said what are you talking about and they're like i said just tell me no hang on are you talking about walking out? And they go yeah. And I go well fucking go for it. And they go we will. You're shit. And I went get out

of my room you old cunts. And they're like we're going. And they walked out and as they're walking I'm like and fucking stay out cunt. And everyone's just like this is weird. Because they're like 55 to 60-year-olds as well. And then my techie then went the next day, was like,

oh, I've really got to stop doing your show. I'm like, why? And she goes, I was hanging around with my mum and I was just saying the C-bomb way too much. And she was like, you've never said that before in your life. And I was like, Carl Chand never said that before in your life. And it's like, Carl Chandler. Sweet plug for your show. If you're old and you

want to be abused for having an opinion, then come on down. Hey, I don't discriminate. You can be young. Have you had any weird walkouts over your career? But I'll just say at the very end of that too, it was so bad and then the next night, last night I did the show and it went great

and I just ended the show by saying thank you so much the last crowd was such a big pack of assholes that you've saved me tonight I was literally thinking

about taking a taxi to the Westgate so you've saved me and they were like oh great! They were like we've saved someone's life. Just to explain

that local reference to you the Westgate Bridge is the suicide venue of choice in this city so that local reference to you. Thank you. I appreciate it. The Westgate Bridge is the suicide venue of choice in this city. Oh, okay. So that's what he ended his show on. And in Australia,

suicide is funny. I always love it when there's a popular destination for suicide. Like, it's the last thing you're going to do. Make it unique. Where do people come in?

Oh, I'll just go here. I'll just go to the easy route. Yeah, look it up. Westgate on Wikipedia, popular venue for suicide and was once on Hardcastle and McCormack. So, too old of a reference. Too old.

Too old of a reference. There's a KFC at the base of it, so you've got, you know, something to have for a night last meal. It's all, they've really planned it out. So if you do live, you can get dinner. Yeah. Anyway, let's get our next guest up.

Yeah, let's get our second guest. Colton, hey everyone Gonna move one down Returning to the show Very popular guest One of the best comics in the country Please go crazy and welcome into the Little Dumb Dumb Club Lawrence Mooney

Unky Moon, how are you feeling? I'm feeling pretty dusty. I saw some of your great form last night at about three in the morning. You haven't been home, have you? No, I went home. I got home at 5.30. I got told off. I like getting told off.

My wife's very gentle when she tells me. She goes, I woke up on the couch and she goes, OK, clearly you can't control yourself, so I'm taking control from now on, OK? OK. She goes, so you won't be coming home at 5.30 for the rest of the comedy festival? I thought, mm-hm.

She goes, is that OK't be coming home at 5.30 for the rest of the Comedy Fest? I thought, mm-hmm. She goes, is that okay? I went, yep. Like a little monkey. Like a little simian ape man. But you're back on the booze now, so that's good. Yeah. A lot of my show's about me giving up drinking, so that's a lie. In fact, the first quarter of it is all about me not drinking.

So thankfully I called it Stupid Liar. Because I just go, it is. That's an interesting thing because I looked you up on Google this afternoon and you've got that thing where Google autofills the most popular results. If you put your name in the third most popular search term, it's Lawrence Mooney Obituary. That's true. That's completely true.

It's really weird because I have Google Alert to find out what people are saying about me and over the last probably five years I've been getting these obituaries pop up. It's like Lawrence Mooney died. And so I go and read the obituary and find out about the funeral and

it's amazing. The three Lawrence Mooneys that have died have all been southern preachers in the US. There was a judge, but he was also a preacher. So Lawrence Mooney is a preacher. And that's what I am. Being a preacher is terminal. I'm spreading the good news about our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. Can I have an amen?

See, it's that easy. I'll leave a deposit and I'll have sex with the young... Oh no. That's what happens when you guys don't laugh enough. He has to finish on stuff like that. Don't say, oh, I hadn't finished the sentence.

The young people. And you're just going... You're going, oh, it's like... I'm not that young. Yeah. Young people. Let's just keep this going

for as long as we can. Build a sentence. Legally young people. Let's just keep this going for as long as we can. Build a sentence. Legally young people. You already have an obituary, so you may as well dig your own grave. With the bones of young people. Someone asked us this question. I'd like to ask both of you men this. Where's the most extreme place you've performed?

Extreme? Yeah. You would think like at Hyde or on the wing of a biplane. Unless it's that, it's going to be a disappointing story. Yeah, that's right. The most extreme place I have performed is on top of a packing crate that had some cardboard on the top of it for the stripper who was going to follow me

at the Shepparton Football Club. Clang. That was the grimmest day of my comedy career. And you probably know this story because I've told it a number of times. I pulled out. I was meant to do 40 minutes. I was getting no traction with the crowd.

I was sweating. I was going through the classic kind of like breakdown. I couldn't remember anything. Mouthful of cotton wool. And I just left 15 minutes into it and just drove away. And the president of the club complained to the promoter who had hired me and his complaint was like seven levels of sexism.

He just went, the comedian turned up on time, which was okay. So I'm punctual. He goes, at no stage did he make anyone laugh. In fact, the only person that laughed at any of his jokes was a woman. And she was supposed to be working now so when you're on my dollar lady don't laugh it up and the only women that were there were topless barmaids handing around free beer who would later strip on that packing case. And it was just so sad and horrible. But during that gig, I thought, these men are in a visual realm inside their own heads.

They are not listening. I wish I had a vagina, because I would take my pants off and stick something in it just to get some attention. Well, what a strange segue because our next guest, you may have seen her at the Shepparton Football Club.

Yeah, well, what's her name? Come on, name a stripper from the Shepparton Footy Club. Wobbsy. Wobbsy. You had country town advantage there. Yes. I knew three people called Wobbsy, Wadsy and Wopsy.

Little Tommy here, he was like, well, I don't know. Yeah. But you were like straight Wobbsy. Yeah. I know Ignatius and Sebastian, but that's it. I was raised in the leafy suburbs of the eastern suburbs of Melbourne What do you mean when you say stripper? For something to take the heritage paint off my weatherboards

This is a fucking beat up I know someone called Mater that wipes my bum bum for me It's me everyone, I'm really rich and my mum wipes my bum for me Hi everyone Not your bum, your bum bum Don't be rude Tommy It's me, everyone. I'm really rich and my mum wipes my bum for me. Hi, everyone. Not your bum, your bum bum.

Don't be rude, Tommy. Well, you know what? With your bad gig story and me talking about those two people that walked out, it actually makes me remember my first ever solo show, my first hour show ever. On the first night, there was a bit in the middle where I would blindfold myself I don't know why and go oh look I can sort of tell jokes without even looking already sympathizing with the people that walked out. And they're the cunts. Yeah, right.

Shit premises for Comedy Festival Chairs. I'll blindfold myself. I just can't handle looking at their blank board faces anymore. Like, because I know working on the premises everyone else

uses their eyes to tell jokes not me so I did that I blindfolded myself and started telling jokes and as I did that I could hear

a disturbance in the room and I went hang on a minute are people leaving that's like the opposite of a surprise party. And I took the blindfold off after like three minutes of jokes and half the room was gone. Never let them.

Don't give them a chance to leave. Literally, they went, he can't see us there's no consequences let's get the fuck out that'd be great if you did a show called Carl Chandler's honour system

and it's you facing the back wall I'm just gonna trust you guys I'm not angry I'm just disappointed yeah anyway let's get out

Carl Chandler's Houdini jokes I'm gonna put myself in chains and this box and tell you an hour of jokes. The audience is locking the top of the box so he can't escape.

It's in water. I'm going to tell an hour of jokes with headphones on so it doesn't even matter when you hate me. Let's get our last guest on. Lawrence Mooney, everyone. Give me a downer seat, guys. Our third guest today, again, very dear friend of the show. You know him from Thank you. Hey man, how are you? Welcome. Hey, great to be here. Great to be here. Hi. What's the most extreme place you've performed? Fucking Kandahar, bitches.

Yeah, Afghanistan, war zone, whatever. Can't even get insured for that shit. Yeah? Did you ever blindfold on when you did it? No? Loser. That's a good point. That's a very good point.

Any strippers? Don't think so. Something about the nanny? We've covered them all. We didn't ask Kyle where his most extreme place was. It was not as good as the other two. Hey, getting better over time clearly isn't a concern on this podcast. I did have a heckler with Tourette's, though, so that was an odd thing.

It sounds like the setup for, like, and a punchline, but it was really just a guy who would save up his nervous OCD to the point where he would heckle me, and it would be two-thirds of an actual disappointed, like, he didn't like the show. It would be like, and I was woping out for Marc Maron. He's like, you suck! Bring on Maron! Suck my face! And, like, that would be the third part.

And so I couldn't go after him because I'm like, like, you suck! Bring on Maron! Suck my face! And like that would be the third part. And so I couldn't go after him because I'm like, oh, you have a problem. And eventually, like, bouncers came out to remove him. But his parents were there because his parents calmly took his jacket off. They hustled him up the stairs and his

parents were like, he loves comedy. Hang on, wait. We know that this is how the night ends. No, no, no. I'm sick of hecklers hiding behind disability. Either you fucking own it or you own it, yeah? To be fair, the people who walked... Get the guy in the fucking chair and get him out of here.

The people who walked out the other night probably thought they were dealing with a guy, a comedian with that same defect. Because all I remember of me is them walking out and me going, get the fuck out cunt get cunt out suck my face did we ever were we going to get around to a

phone oh yeah we've got a we've got a special someone phoning in a friend of a friend of the show someone who's been on the program before who couldn't be here. Very recently. Who wanted to wish Carl a happy birthday message. Yeah, it's a voicemail

here so I'll just hold up to the phone so you guys can hear it. Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Because you demanded it. There it is. Paul Foote, everyone.

I like there are people in here going, no, I hated him last week and I hate him now. Controversial episode, you guys, of our show. Some people, believe it or not, didn't like that last week. That was on last week's episode and they didn't like it. Look, if I had one criticism

for what I've seen today, there is a lot of discussion of things going badly in the past. And it's like, imagine... Hey, we've got a lot to work with. Yeah, but imagine this was like, we were test driving a car at a dealership and you were driving it around going,

I'm glad you're driving this car because every other car we've built has caught fire and people have died in them. And, you know, that's fine. If that's how you want to sell, go for it.

But could you also not argue where, you know, saying all we're doing is talking about things that have gone bad in the past. You host a news program. That's all the news really is.

It's just talking about things that have gone bad in the past. Yeah. Yeah. But I don't go on there and go Alright some really bad stuff Happened in Canberra today But fucking last night

Some cunts died in a plane crash And no one knew what happened It was heaps worse last night The families were crying It was horrible So here's the thing That's not a joke At the expense of the families

It's a joke at the expense Of the paradigm that you set up Of things being worse in the past. People need to be far more careful when they lead to a conclusion that something's controversial. First ask yourself, who's the joke at the expense of? I thought Paul Foot was bad. And in order to just drag that commentary into controversy,

they haven't found MH370 yet, so... If you wouldn't mind looking under your chairs. Hang on, the victims of the Malaysian air crash aren't a door prize. We don't know where it is. So, if you've got a sock drawer at home that you haven't,

can you check at home? Hey, I've got a... Do you know what's not cool? The number of people that, like just in general conversation for the last week and a half, have just gone,

just fucking find it. Just go on their satellites, you've got computers, fucking find it. It's like, fuck, we used to not even know that there were other countries. Like, give them some credit. I'm sure it's not laziness. I'm sure it's not, hey, fucking calm down,

I'm still working my way through Borgen. Like, and when I get done with that, I'm sure it's not, hey, fucking calm down, I'm still working my way through Borgin. Like... LAUGHTER Like, and when I get done with that, I'll go find the fucking plane. I'm pretty sure it's all hands on deck at this point. I just hate it when people go, like, what do you do? I make sandwiches, but fuck, I know a lot about aviation.

But I like when people are going, they're saying, man, it's really hard, it's like a needle in a haystack No it's not It's like finding something About as big as this room In an ocean the size of the world We don't need a metaphor That makes that easier

Do you know what Do you know what the metaphor Good analogy An ocean the size of the world I write for Spix and Spex That was good But do you know what we need Do you know what we need?

Do you know what the analogy needs to be? And we need to be grown up enough to say this. The analogy has to be, yeah, it's like finding a fucking plane in the fucking ocean somewhere. And everyone needs to just... You know, like, I hate when you're watching the news and they go, it's 300... They could still be alive, those people. They might be on an island somewhere. Like, lost. So just fucking find it um but like i don't know what it's gonna say so prophetic it's just like lost no they died in a horror

horror scenario the pilot who came out and said this is the most likely scenario front wheel catches fire the the crew don't make a radio call because they are in an emergency situation. They aviate first. What are the three stages? Aviate. Drop and roll. I thought it was...

Which is likely what they did. So as far as that goes, textbook. But it's ABA, Activate, Communicate. So they radio last. They die from carbon monoxide poisoning inside the cabin. And then you're just on a plane. You don't hear from the captain just going, Ladies and gentlemen, I know that this seems a bit weird,

that we're just running out of fuel slowly. Remember when it was the uplifting part of the... So the people just on the plane just like... I was going to speak pretend Chinese and I thought better of it. Yeah, good. Good. I was going to do that.

No. Be racist Remember the nice bit of the podcast People were really enjoying it And they would have fucked it If you'd been racist in it Yeah I think that you called it

Pretend Chinese Made it nicer I'm going to make up Some Chinese right now I speak some pretty good Pretend Chinese I'm going to I'm going to do some

I'm going to do How do you know That's not real Chinese You're playing You're playing How do you know that's not real Chinese? How do you know it's not real Chinese? Because they're making it up. Some of it may accidentally be Chinese. And you don't know what it is. Yeah, so you guys are racist.

So pretend Chinese is a very dangerous game to play, my friend. I'd even wager it's not a game. Yeah. I'd come down on the side of that. Hey, get some... I think you've learned it's a game. Can you get four six-sided dice? We're going to play Pretend Chinese.

It's like, that's not a game. Yeah, well, anyway, that was... Remember when we were talking about the Westgate Bridge before? That was a nice bit of the podcast. No, but hey, the fact that you're missing is it's now suicide-proof. There hasn't been a suicide since they put up the new barricades. So it's no longer... I'm sorry, you were lied to. It's no longer the suicide trap.

Thank you for that. I just wanted you to be... I didn't want you to leave here with misinformation. Wander around. Technically speaking, they didn't suicide-proof it. They threw baby off-proofed it. Oh. Wow.

Get back to pretend Chinese. My laowai town. No. No. No. Right now, if this gig... Right now, if this gig... Right now, if this gig is a plane, that front wheel just caught fire.

It's like finding a needle in a haystack or finding some actual racism in a pretend Chinese sentence. In an ocean as big as the world. That'll catch on. Hey, I've got an update. We were talking last week. I had a 17-year-old guy do a little bit of my show

in Brisbane and he's a first-year university student. He did a week of gigs with me and at the end he messaged me and he was like, hey, I've decided to drop out

of university and pursue comedy full-time. Wow. And that's, you know, the thing I realised we didn't say about that is that he's doing a course that has 10 contact hours a week. And he's been doing comedy for like a year. You don't really need to drop out of university to just do the two open mic gigs a month that you can do in Brisbane. Like he's probably jumped the gun. But then he messaged me the other day and he goes,

oh, hey, man, can I just ask you a bit of comedy advice? And I'm like, yeah, man, go for it. And he goes, yeah, I got asked to do a gig. It's a pretty big gig. They want me to do support for the rapper Exhibit. Oh, really? Yeah. And he goes, should I do it?

And I'm like, well, there's two answers here. I would probably not do it, but I think you should do it. Yeah. Yeah. I once interviewed Exhibit when I worked at Triple J. We've all got stuff going on, mate. Yeah. No, but this is really funny because Exhibit is actually, he's a lovely guy and uh good good friend of the show

now um no but he came in and he was a lot of fucking talk like he was a fucking ex like he was just like i am the fucking man and it was all front like it was nothing but front good pretend black you did just then that was great it's not pretend um now he's prejudiced yeah i'm very sorry but what i knew I'd been speaking to one of the lifesavers on Bondi Beach who had fucking fished him out of the water the day before.

He got caught in a rip and was fucked and he was like begging for mercy, right? Just like, help! Her ex is drowning! Right, like, you know.

Like, pat me! That would have been, pat all! Ex don't like the ocean! Get me back in! That would have been like looking for a rapper in an ocean the size of the world.

I told you, catching on. That's just racist. In the interview, he's doing lots of like, I'm the fucking man and all that. Well, it's racist. I'm gone. That's why black people don't like swimming. So that's what's racist. He's literally Exhibit A.

That's something. He's back. That's something. Why are you walking out? Put your blindfold on, Carl. People love it. Great. Exhibit's drowning. Exhibits drowning So anyway in the interview he's been He's nice but a lot of front

Which in hip hop I don't have that much time for So you don't like hip hop then? Don't tell me how good your skills are Just show me your skills And so anyway he was going And talking about it, blah, blah. And talking about, I'm going, oh, yeah, really? Because I hear a girl fished you out of the ocean yesterday because you were having a bit of trouble.

And he goes, I was caught in a rip. And he was really angry. And I said, anyway, we've got to take a song now. This is your track, I'm the Shit. I'm the Shit. And then came back after the track. And he was just like the most normal fucking guy in the world and he stopped being

it was like I was interviewing a stand up comedian more than a rapper it was a really it was a very it was a humbling experience for X

that's what I do I cut people down to size that's what I do if I could just go back to the fact that you're using is it a reveal if I tell people

about what's happening in your show with her? Let's not say what the kid's doing, but there is a child in my show. Well, I mean, you're observing... Apart from Tommy. I mean, Tommy is observing a very long-held Australian showbiz tradition,

and that is grooming a child in your own show. That's right. grooming a child in your own show. Do you wear a robe backstage? Please. Do you wear a robe and slippers backstage? No spoilers for my show, The Gavin Disney Experience, please.

I don't want... Have you got a wobble board in your show? Because you could really... I thought I was going to say Husey, but I was more saying Husey. Husey. You know, as in... Hey, Dad. Yeah, anyway.

Robert. Carl, there's kind of a thing going on in this country at the moment. It's fine. Just let it happen. Yeah. Sorry to update you. Suicide and pedophilia

are funny in Australia. So, yeah. Pedophilia seems to be a great after you fuck that baby you're gonna have somewhere to throw it over

yeah this thing's no good anymore this is what the comedy festival was set up for a cultural exchange I just thank you and good night.

Your 19th century diary of this would be like, after a week on the island, I began to learn the language. But yeah, I so badly wanted this kid to do this exhibit gig because it's going to be brutal. He's already got a better extreme gig story than any of us. Yeah, exactly. For his first gig. Yeah, he's pretty early in.

He's like a year into doing it. Oh, he's a year in. He'll be going back to college after that. Yeah. All you're going to do is scare him back to school. Yeah. What is this, Finding Forrester or whatever that like what is it being in my show was like a scared straight program yeah yeah yeah he saw me not

being able to afford to eat every night and going oh I'm quitting there was a guy that hit me up and whether it's the same sort of thing it was a kid in year 12 a couple years ago that hit me up and said oh can I come and talk to you at a gig and ask some advice what I've done I don't know what the deal is but you can sort of put off year 12 for a year and just focus on one thing uh that you're going to do uh so he did that he goes i'm going to do stand-up comedy so he came to see me at a gig and he turned up dressed in a shirt that he'd hand-drawn ha ha ha ha all over his shirt and i was like here's my advice don't do that wow that's great And I was like, here's my advice, don't do that. Wow. That's great.

Yeah, I'm on board. I recommend it. When you said that to him, did you have a fucking blindfold on? That's better than a blindfold and a handwritten ha-ha-ha t-shirt. I love ha-ha-ha. Yeah, of all the advice, could you go back and give yourself advice from the first year you started comedy

and did some dumb shit like that? I wore a fur coat to an all black show on the south side of Chicago. Yeah, yeah. And that's where I would have been like,

maybe don't do that. Looking back on that. It was my grandmother's. How was the response? What was the... It didn't go well. What? I had gone there the month before and it actually went well.

And I was surprised. I was like, okay, I'm going to do this all black show and see how it goes. And it went well. I'm like, they like me. They'll get it. They didn't get it. Cruella de Canaan. Maybe you needed to also wear like a fedora with a feather.

Oh, no, I had a suit underneath. Oh, right. So you'd, you know, I can't see where it went wrong. Did you, um... Did you pretend... Let the listeners know that... That I am indicating...

That I moisturised like a proper black... Oh, man. Usually we check to see if it's recording I feel like checking to make sure it's not recording Yeah good time to plug that on the final Sunday night of the festival at 10pm we're doing an unrecorded drunk podcast

where we don't hold ourselves back and we say all really wrong shit that we couldn't normally say on the podcast so if you want to come back for that that is happening yeah so that's not this one

you've turned up four weeks earlier I'm sorry Lawrence that's good Charlie you're finishing up on the project in one week

one week yes you've got five six episodes to go six episodes to go which Six episodes to go. Which you're gleefully counting down on Twitter at the moment? Do you know, it's weird. I think that came across the wrong way.

I was just trying to build some anticipation for the last episode so that, I don't know, maybe more people would watch it. How did it come across the wrong way when it's like six to go, hashtag fuck the project? Yeah. Was that not the official hashtag? Don't you hate it when you jump on the wrong hashtag? Trying to get people to join the conversation.

So who's going to replace you, Charlie? I mean, is it going to be Bert or Daryl Summers or somebody completely different to you? Daryl Summers? Or somebody completely different to you? Wow. Wow. That's fine.

That's fine. Like, genuinely, they don't know. Do you think that they might give a lady a chance? Or are there too many on TV already? Whatever the quota is, we have to be close. No, I actually, well, I, personally, I think that they should

put a woman in my place. Or that maybe they should just put a woman in place. I don't even know what that means but my back started sweating with feminist backlash nervousness oh that's what you worried about the Devaney might be outside with a shotgun, just like, fuck you, Chandler. What is the project? I know I should be able to figure out from the name of the show. Well, you do a really colourful title page,

and then inside you do some pasting of macaroni and glitter to show what coral looks like. And we do that five nights a week coral looks like. And we do that five nights a week to discuss natural disasters, political issues and celebrity bullshit

stories and occasionally explain health insurance to people. We're kind of we're kind of, I don't know a shit version of the internet. Do you know what? That's TV. On your project I don't think you made enough binoculars out of A shit version of the internet. Do you know what? Anyway.

That's TV. On your project, I don't think you made enough binoculars out of toilet roll holders and spaceships out of cereal packets. I mean, what kind of a fucking project is it? There's a segment called Imagination Station, I'm presuming. Some dioramas, perhaps. Yeah, you got here just too late for pipe cleaner week, Kyle. It went off. And tonight on the project, we're going to make the volcano erupt.

Oh, that's... Googly-eyed Thursdays are always a treat. Say, why aren't we producing? Could you imagine if you actually did it? Like, that would be the most wonderful fucking news show because news is farcical

like news on television is farcical I'd love it if you stopped doing the show just to do your breakout show from the project just called Clag tonight I'll be sticking

some stuff to other stuff for an hour special report it's a Christmas special here on the project we'll be making chains and lanterns. Just fold your paper in half and cut them like that.

Wow. It's a string of men. Good night. Tonight's special investigation, glue. What does it taste like when you eat it? Let's find out. And we'll be showing you how to make your own glue. Not with self-raising flour.

On the project. Any more questions, Canine? No, I got it. Well, guys, I think that is all the time we have left for today on the Little Dum Dum Club. Big round of applause for Kyle Canine. Lawrence Mooney Charlie Pickering

Kyle Canane you have a show For the next week or so At the Victoria Hotel Victoria Hotel 9.45pm Check that out, definitely get on that Lawrence Mooney Town Hall 8.15, Lawrence Mooney's a stupid liar And Charlie you're not doing a show Clag Next week on Clag Town Hall 815 Lawrence Mooney's a stupid liar and Charlie

you're not doing a show yeah man Clag next week on Clag yeah Clag will be I haven't chosen a network

but Clag is definitely early 2015 but no I'm not here to shill anything isn't that nice of me yeah

I would like to sign off in pretend Chinese alright let's plug our shows first before people... Xinqin Chawa. No, no, please. Please, God. Maybe you can translate for us for our Chinese...

For our pretend Chinese listeners, we can do our plug, then you can... Yeah, okay. You can translate. There's a lot of pretend Chinese listeners. Oh, man. Fingers over the delete button. You race it.

You race it. No. You race it. You race it. No. You race it. You race it. It should be louder. The reason I'm uncomfortable with this, right, is... John Howard, good for small business, and you race it. Okay, wait.

Wait, that's... That was offensive. That was not good. No, here's the problem. This morning... I'll just take my microphone. This morning... I'll just take my microphone. I'm with you. This morning in the age our human rights commissioner

said publicly that what he doesn't like... Fuck, this is amazing. What he doesn't like about... Is this Tim Wilson? Yeah, Tim Wilson. What he doesn't like about... What a fucking imbecile. Yeah. Don't vilify him. That's what he wants. No. What he doesn't like about our racial vilification

laws is he thinks it's bizarre that he's not allowed to use the n-word but some people are. And he fucking said that and it's like, okay we, as a nation don't fucking get this, right? We just don't fucking get it, right?

And I love you but pretend Chinese kind of gives him stuff to work with just don't fucking get it, right? And I love you, but pretend Chinese kind of gives him stuff to work with more than it wins the good fucking fight. Because he'll get this and go, see, fucking, see, the fucking left can do what they want. Oh, but I'm a conservative

and I can't drop an N-bomb on a motherfucker. This guy sounds like a real project. Yeah. So that's Tommy Dasolo in Dreamboat. 8.15pm at Acme Inn. It's just Sunday, I have a bit of pretend Chinese and you put me in with Tim Wilson.

Some of your best friends are pretend Chinese people. Forgiveness, please. I prefer my racism to be behind closed doors where no one can regulate it that's what I choose for my racism Lawrence

I leave it purely to traffic my racism like my nose picking and my fart inhaling is all in the car who doesn't just fully bong onto their own farts in the car? The new host of the project, everyone, Lawrence Mooney. Lawrence Mooney. Do you know the amazing thing about Lawrence?

He is going to be the first ever fake Chinese host of a primetime news show. And I think that's a massive step forward for this country. You should see my wig with a straight fringe. My buck teeth and big coke bottle glasses. I will challenge Benny Hill when it comes to my pretend Chinese. Mickey Rooney's watching you going, fuck it, man, that's full on. Fuck, you've gone too far. Those bucks are way out of hand.

Oh, dear. It's given everyone something to reflect on, hasn't it? As always, big shout out to myself in the edit suite listening back to this. Get ready to cut back in here. So, guys, I believe you've got some shows as well. 815 Dreamboat at ACME at Federation Square. Carl Chandler's got Talent at Portland Hotel at 9.30. And we've got these every Sunday, 5pm, 5 Burrows,

if you're listening at home and you enjoyed it. Come down, we've got three more awesome guests every week. You can come down, grab a season ticket if you're listening at home and you enjoyed it. Come down. We've got three more awesome guests every week. You can come down. Grab a season ticket if you're listening at home. It will be now not worth buying, but still grab it. Cool. Guys, all my round of applause for our guests this afternoon. Thank you guys so much for coming down.

Thank you. And we'll see you next time. See you next time. See you next time.