The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 2 - Harley Breen

Episode Date: November 3, 2010

Face tattoos, town crazies and security checks. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

G'day everyone, welcome aboard to the second episode of the Little Dumb Dumb Club. I'm Tommy Dasolo with me once again, Carl Chandler. G'day Dickhead. How you doing? Good, I'm good. Second episode, thanks to everyone who's checked out the first episode and downloaded it and sent us nice things on Twitter and on iTunes, that's very cool. This is it, the difficult second episode syndrome.

It's that classic case of having your whole life to plan your first episode and then one short week to plan the second. That's been my life. That's been 34 years going into that first episode when we talked about Asian women shooting ping pong balls out there in the regions. Yep. That's all I've sort of got. I don't have much left.

So for anyone that missed out, go and check that out because that's worth listening to. What have you got for us this week, Carl? Just a couple of things on the way in today. It's been pretty heavily raining. I ducked into a shopping mall and one thing I noticed was, well, you know, it's a cliché topic, I know, Ed Hardy t-shirts, you know, everyone bags them, you know, and, you know, quite rightly because they're Bogan t-shirts and Bogan people wear them and whatever and it's an easy topic, it's an easy joke.

Well, they're not sponsoring us now, so that's good. Yep. So, let's rip in. So, Ed Hardy, right, it closed down a couple of months ago in Australia, right? Yep. But, you know, on my way here, there was heaps of people wearing it. And it's kind of surprised me a bit that people were still wearing the T-shirts for some reason.

Like, it doesn't make sense. But then I sort of thought, I reckon subconsciously why I was surprised was I kind of thought like Ed Hardy was sort of like the witch in an old movie. You know, when you kill the witch in an old movie and then everything the witch had created would disappear? All the Bogans would just fuck off. I just thought all their tops would just vanish. Right.

The big bad witch, Ed Hardy HQ had created would disappear. All the bogans would just fuck off. I just thought all their tops would just vanish. Right. The big bad witch, Ed Hardy, HQ had gone. Yeah. Yeah. No, they're still very much alive. The business has gone completely under, hasn't it? Yeah. Yeah. That's it.

Okay. Wow. But the stink lives on. There you go. In shopping malls all across the nation. And it's bucketing down outside as we speak. I had a weird thing. I got drenched walking to the tram on the way here,

and my pants were soaked on the tram. And I had this moment where I thought I needed to go to the bathroom, and I was like, I could piss myself right now, and no one would be able to tell because I'm that drenched. I've got mates that did that one night at a nightclub. It was so wet outside that when they went inside the nightclub, they said, right, we're on. Let's each piss our pants and then see who can be the first person to pick up.

And they both picked up. What? Yes. Really? Yeah. Oh, my God. And it was like a badge of honor. I was like, well, look at that.

I've given myself one of the biggest handicaps I can. Yeah. I've given all you guys about 50 meters head start. Yeah. And then then i've gone bang you'd have to feel good about that the next morning well apart from the fact you're still in your piss ridden pants you'd feel so what picked up as in passion or went home with someone ah gee i can't remember because that's got to be the giveaway when you you know when you strip down yeah yeah especially if someone's paying close attention to what you've got there. Yeah. Where does that end, though?

What is it next week? All right, we'll both shit our pants and then we'll go out. Yeah, smear it on our face. Yeah. And then try and pick up at lunchtime. Hey, I cannot think of a better note to introduce our guest for this week on. We're very lucky to have him here. He's a good friend of ours. Harley Breen.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Intro, face shit smear. That's it. Hey, thanks for coming in, man. No worries. What else was going on? Nothing.

Pretty much. Well, you have a child, so I imagine there's a lot going on. Yes, I do. I have one. Can I, really? Bad organisation. Can I have yours? And over-excitement.

And piss in your pants and you're halfway there. Yeah. So you're from Queensland, so you're from smaller towns, I gather. Yes. Because I'm from a small town in victoria right and it's about 8 000 people right but um i kind of think i really liked it because when growing up you know there's a lot of crazies there's a lot of crazies everywhere obviously but i reckon small town crazies are kind of cool because it's not like you know here there's no community spirit with

the crazies they're just on the tram and it's sort of like oh you stay away from them and that that's it they're just random and they might stab you but in small towns it's more like they're part of the community and you have to know them you probably know them yeah because if they stab you you can tell their mum yeah you know their mum yeah you know the craziest mums yeah you go you go shopping with them um yeah so there was a lot of crazies and dudes that i i knew in maribor and i i assume that you knew. Did you have local crazies? Local crazies, absolutely. Yeah. Kicking around everywhere.

I mean, to be honest with you, there's a potential that my family were part of the local crazies. It depends what side of the religious train you want to sit on. And my dad was one of the local preachers. Oh, right. So we were the ones that crazily got up Sunday morning and went and worshipped a fictitious man. Whacko.

Yeah. Crazy. But, yeah, there was all sorts of crazies. But because of my dad's position in the town and his position in the world and how he wanted to treat people, quite often I'd wake up in the town and his position in the world and how he wanted to treat people, quite often I'd wake up in the morning and those crazies were in our house having breakfast. So that was a pretty confronting thing being a teenage boy and getting up,

you know, bleary-eyed, sleep in your eyes, sit down, eating cereal, look up and there's a massive really white guy with just a singlet on eating Froot Loops, which we never even had, so I don't know where he got them from. BYO. Just tattoos all over his face, which is always a comforting place for a person to have tats is upon their face. There's really no return from that, is there?

No, there's not. Whatever you're doing at the point in your life that you get a face tat, it's pretty much prepared to be doing that for the rest of your life. Yeah. You can't get one and then sort of decide, I reckon I might study law. No. Face tat is a non-hideable tattoo.

Yes. Unless, of course, you're a female and you later choose to become a follower of the Islamic faith. In that case, you may be able to hide it. Other than that... How many? That is a life decision. How many women do you think have converted to Islam just because Other than that... How many? That is a life decision.

How many women do you think have converted to Islam just because they've got a face tat that they want to cover up? Seven. Seven, exactly seven. In fact, a good friend of the three of ours in here, Bart Freedman, said to me the other day... I'm quoting him because he did say this. Friend of the show.

Friend of the show. Friend of the show. I don't know if he said it on stage, so I don't feel like I'm doing that thing where you quote other people's material to get a laugh on radio. But he said he's working with some young people, one of them 18, who has a neck tattoo. And he made this comment that really stuck with me. He goes, that's an adventurous decision at 18.

That, yeah. That is an adventurous decision to make that decision at 18. Go, yeah, neck tap. I'll live with that. Yeah. I reckon that makes more sense because you're more, you know, at least you've got an excuse because you're 18. If you're 45 and you get a neck tap, like, where the fuck are you coming from?

Yeah, but, yeah, I guess. But at 18, you're predicting that you're going to be pretty rad for the rest of your life. That's fair, yeah, yeah. I'm nowhere near as rad as I was when I was 18. I'm now 30, 12 years on, I'm not rad. What's your favourite horrid tattoo story? Have you heard of any people that have just awful, awful ones?

There's that fantastic one after the premiership, the AFL premiership, that is in 2007, where a Geelong supporter was in Thailand and he went in drunk to a tattoo parlor with just some hand scribbled shit. And he had, because that year they'd won, Geelong had won the... Night Premiership and Day Premiership. Night and Day Premiership. And he went in and said, hey, I want this Day Premiership on left arm and Night Premiership on right arm and had these horrible pictures. And he walked out with gay premiership and the word left arm

and then night premiership and the word right arm and just the worst picture of a cat ever. Yeah, but is there a chance that he got that on purpose and he just dumped his alibi later? Oh, no, they got it wrong. He could have asked for gay premiership. I reckon he did ask for gay premiership. As long as it's consenting, he can ask for whatever he wants.

Yeah, he could have barracked for St Kilda or something and actually got that on purpose. Yeah, Geelong, you won, but it was a gay premiership. Well done. I heard of a girl who had on her inner thigh had the tattoo of a measuring tape. Hello. That's pretty...

That's pretty indicatory. I made a word. Whatever. Yeah. Yeah, of what you'd like to do with the inner part of your thigh. I guess maybe she's a seamstress and that's the easiest way to measure. That is convenient. Yeah.

I have some interesting tattoos. You do, yes. My left arm says see other arm and my other arm says what? Your other arm says gay. Says gay, whatever. Gay premium. That is a forever decision. Yeah.

And that was – I remember seeing you not long after you got there. Was that very much on a whim, wasn't it? We were in a hotel room in Western Australia, the group of people that were all discussing stupid tattoos, and that was the tattoo I came up with and thought that would be the stupidest ever. And it got a little bit of a laugh, and I went, whew, I could turn that little bit of a laugh into maybe another ten seconds of laughter if I mark my body forever.

Imagine if this happens forever. The laughs will just keep coming. And, well, three years on and aren't they still? So my wife doesn't think it's funny. The laughs will just keep coming. And, well, three years on and aren't they still? So my wife doesn't think it's funny. And I'm sure one day when my child grows and sees that, he will wonder why I'm such an idiot. But it will be self-explanatory, I'm sure, by then.

Has anyone ever got a Groucho Marx mask tattooed on their face just to get those laughs? tattooed on their face just to get those wires. Will you be trying to talk your son when he's a certain age out of getting tattoos or will you be? No, no, I won't talk. Well, I will hope I would not talk him out of any decision that he's taken some time to think through and want to do. I will inform him of the level of stupidity that I was at. I feel like you're holding back though because you've got others as well.

I've got a tattoo on my right leg that says, Gummy Bears, Dashing and Daring, Courageous and Caring. We all remember that. So the cultural touchstone of the gummy bears. The other one was trying to get a laugh. That one obviously meant a bit more to you. It actually is right from the soul of me as a man. It's the same tattoo your mum had.

Yeah, yeah, basically. My mum's a gummy bear. No, it was, look, I'm not going to try and over-intellectualise the decision to put a very large tattoo saying gummy bears on my right calf muscle, but it was a song that I sang in the first ever solo show that I performed. It had no place even being in the show, let alone as a tattoo on my leg. But I did take that show around Australia and over to the UK. So it seemed a good decision.

Oh, so that's really what it was. That was like a marking of the end of that show? It was a marking of my first solo performance. I like how people say that a tattoo should mean something and you've gotten one just to celebrate your own work. Yeah, and celebrate a song that I told everybody in all the shows I did that I wrote. And some people believed me.

They go, did you really write that song? Because it had nothing to do with what you were talking about. No, how do you not know that cartoon? It was land-breaking stuff. It's lucky you didn't do a show about anal rape. It's lucky for many reasons that he didn't do that show.

Another friend of the show, Justin Hamilton. Anal rape. Justin Hamilton and myself were name-dropping in Adelaide. He had And myself were name-dropping in Adelaide. He had an excitable evening on the alcohol and so had I and both of us decided it was time for tattoo number three. Did he get a tattoo?

No, he was going to pay for mine that night right then and there to get an M on each of my butt cheeks, which meant if I deroved and bent over, my bum could say mum or upside down wow. And I think you'll agree that would have been an excellent decision. Yeah, yeah. That's bad, though, because that's just another example of the Americanisation of Australia, because that's spelled mum. Not if I held the finger in the top of my nose.

It's three out of you. Ironically, it's a very Australian thing to do. Hold the finger in the top of your anus. It's going to be the new Southern Cross, getting mom tattooed across your arsehole. With your finger up there. What if your son said to you, I want to get a Southern Cross tattoo on your arse? Look, if my son said to me, I want to get a Southern Cross tattoo on your ass?

Look, if my son said to me, I want to get a Southern Cross tattoo, I would say to him, I would show him pictures of the thousands and thousands of mindless bogans who have done a similar thing. Just take him down to Surfers Paradise every day and walk around. And show them that. And show him the people who think they were an individual when they decided to be stupidly patriotic. Yeah.

And I say stupidly because there's no basis like, oh, God, we can see that set of stars from this part of the world. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right. Particularly when it's kids. Like, in surfers, you see a lot of, like, 16-year-olds. Yeah, yeah. You can't love Australia that much at 16.

And I don't know, yeah, can you really? Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. But it's fine if you do, but choose something a little bit different. You're marking your body for the rest of your life. Yeah, get Rodney Roode or something. Yeah, get a transcendent. Just get Frogsack written across your bicep.

Yeah, Frogsack is excellent. I would say yes to that. But I'd show him that. I'd inform him of the people who make these decisions. And if he still after that wanted to do it, I'd disown him and never talk to him again. That would be fine. But look, I don't know. I actually did a parental thing yesterday.

I mean, I wrote my first letter of complaint. Wow. Yeah. That's the moment that you really become a parent. I have never, ever written a letter of complaint. I've said I'm going to write a letter because I think it's funny to say I'm going to write a letter. Yeah. I would have thought that's not a parental thing.

That's a grandparent thing. It is, isn't it? It is. It's a grandparent thing to do. Do you think you would have like subconsciously, you probably wouldn't have done it if you didn't have a kid? I definitely wouldn't have done it if I didn't have a kid. Absolutely wouldn't because the reason I – Oh, is it a kid-related matter?

Yes, it actually is a two-handed, a child-related matter. Okay. Would you like – I can read you the letter. Yeah, let's do it. I'll read you the letter. Let's do it. So basically what happened was for just matters of privacy of the company that is involved in this, I won't say who they are, but they are a major parcel delivering service in this country.

It could be anyone though. Be specific. Probably the original one. Yeah. Telstra. Hang on. Is it Jim's? Jim's and Oli.

So I start quite formally. I learnt this in English in grade 10. To whom it may concern is what you should write if you don't know the person you're writing to. On the 29th of October, 2010, a something parcel was delivered to my door. The package was sent to my door. The package was sent to me from the Royal Children's Hospital in Brisbane, thanking me for my involvement earlier this year in a charity event held to raise money for the hospital called the Duck Invitational. Inside the package was a personal letter from the executive manager of the Royal Children's Hospital Foundation and a framed painting that one of the children at the Royal Children's Wonder Factory had painted for me.

I assumed that everything was packaged up and sent to me in perfect condition. The same cannot be said, however, for the condition it arrived in. The frame was broken on one side, indicating a heavy blow of some kind, which resulted in the glass protecting the painting, smashing and partially damaging the painting itself. whilst protecting the painting, smashing and partially damaging the painting itself. I find it quite disturbing that one of the primary services provided by your company is parcel delivery, and that mine has arrived in such a disgusting state. The fact that the parcel was damaged while in the care of blah blah blah is one thing, but the failure of the idiot, see for everyone,

who did this to notify someone of his or her mishap so that I could be informed is the truly defunct part of your company's charade as a parcel delivery service. I would like to say that in the 30 years of my life, this is the first of possibly thousands of parcels that have been delivered to me in a less than satisfactory state, and that maybe I'm taking too much time and energy writing this complaint complaint the very first of my life I am however a new father and the simple inclusion of a warning on my package would have been a sufficient deterrent to opening the package inside my house where shards of glass fell all over the floor where my son plays

so where to from here well I'm sure that this letter won't be changing the policies and procedures of blah blah blah And I'm also aware that it would be nearly impossible to track down the genius, see figure two Who damaged my parcel All this considered, I do believe I'm still entitled to recompense The monetary value of the parcel would be next to nothing I imagine the frame would cost no more than ten dollars And the painting, while done by a sick child, is basically priceless.

So what I would like instead is a donation made to the Royal Children's Hospital Foundation in Brisbane in the name of the Duck Invitational Golf Day. I would find it hard for anyone to deny this as an appropriate solution to this specific problem. I would also, in closing, like to take the time to apologize to whomever it is reading this, as I'm aware that you have had no hand in the matter, as the likelihood of me actually being able to write this to the person responsible is of the utmost remote possibility.

It is, however, the way your company has decided to field complaints, and so you, my distant faceless friend, are the recipient of my wasted afternoon. Yours sincerely, Harley Breen. Wow. Here's figure one. Okay. Idiot. Noun. An idiot, dolt, or dullard is a mentally deficient person or someone who acts in a self-defeating

or significantly counterproductive way. Figure two, genius. In this context, is only meant in a sarcastic manner. A true description of said individual, see figure one. Okay. I think you should have gone for the David Jones lawsuit and asked for $45 million or 50 bucks cash, whichever one you got. The best part about all of that is how excited I was to be writing.

Yeah. I was going to say, and be honest, how many times did you get the thesaurus out? I didn't get the thesaurus out at all. I actually wrote that. And I have a personal thesaurus called my sister, who is an English teacher. So anything I write, I send to her first and say, just check that I haven't put big words in where they don't really exist. And she goes, no, no, that's fine.

But do you just put commas in when you get bored? Yes. Yes, I do. That's the way you just put commas in when you get bored? Yes. Yes, I do. That's the way to spice up your afternoon. Have you heard back? That was written yesterday. Okay, right. I tried to email it, but the section you're allowed to email complaints in won't allow that much words.

So I have to actually use the postal service to complain about the postal service. Oh, the irony. You should frame it and send it to them. That is a great idea. And smash it first and then send it and go, look what you've done. Yeah, so I'll be interested to see. Do you think it's a little harsh, a little bit full on?

No, I like it. It's good. I also like that I see what you've done. You've essentially just come on here and told that story as a means to get out there that you did some charity work. I see you game. You're just trying to make your stock go up a little bit. Was there any picture?

There was a picture. I mean, I didn't say what I did for that charity. I could have just played golf for that charity day. I'm upset. I put a lot of care into that drawing I did for you. One of the sick kids here. Tell me that's right. I'm upset. I put a lot of care into that drawing I did for you. Well, there were sick kids here until we got to school. Yes.

Yeah, I did think that was especially the best part of the whole letter was to just tell them how amazing I am and how just best for what they are. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, no, I just wanted to talk about crazy people from small towns. I thought you may have had some stories because, I mean, I sure as hell have from growing up in my small town. I don't know if I've ever told you,

if I've talked to you about this sort of stuff before, but there was a guy, of many crazy people in my small town, there was a guy called Sunshine Johnson. Oh, that's excellent. Yeah. So he's already got a cracker of a name, and everything he did was pretty awesome.

And he was about six foot six. He was bald. He had a massive handlebar mustache. And he was one of those guys that, you know how crazy people, they are lured, drawn to like the shops, to streets because, you know, they want to talk to people. They're crazy. They want to talk to people but no one wants to talk to them.

But if they go in shops, they very quickly learn that shop people have to officially talk to them because they're potential customers and they don't want to lose their job by like saying, fuck off crazy dude, and then someone coming in and causing trouble, whatever. So they get drawn to the street. They go and talk to all the people in shops hanging out in the streets. So he was the sort of guy that as a school kid, I would walk up and down the streets all the time and he'd be the sort of guy that would just jump out from somewhere at you, just to get you to pay attention to him.

He'd jump out, like six foot five, whatever, just jump out and go, ah! And then just, and you'd go, oh, he's going to kill me, because you look like a killer dude. And then he'd just go, ah! And then that'd be it. But he would go up to people in pubs, I later learnt, and he would say, I've got your name tattooed on my dick. And then he would pull his pants down and he had the words, your name.

When I grew up, there was two murders or shootings or whatever it was. Two people died. No, no. Over the whole time. Did you grow up in Mount Thomas? Yeah. See, one time a policeman got shot, which isn't funny, blah, blah, blah. Sunshine Johnson was involved in the way of, I think he was in the passenger seat,

when a policeman allegedly got shot. Anyway, so he was involved. After that happened, those people were on the run or whatever. Anyway, they eventually found him, Sunshine Johnson being there when it happened. He apparently hid under a house for like two weeks. And people knew he was there, but they were just waiting there for him. So he hid under this house going, oh, this will be all right. And then two weeks later, he came out and they were just waiting for him.

They just went, bang, thank you. Brought him off to jail. Kicked the shit out of him. And people thought that he had died. There'd been this story that he'd been killed as well. So everyone's like, oh, everyone knew him. And they're like, oh, I can't believe Sunshine Johnson's died. Oh, my God, I can't believe it.

So he eventually got released. And then he found out that everyone had been talking about the fact that the great Son John Johnson had died. And everyone was like, I can't believe Son John Johnson had died. So he's like, oh, here we go. Time to re-announce myself to the town. So he got in his car, VW car. He went up and down. There was like two main blocks of the whole street.

So he drove up and down that just haphazardly all over the street because mainly because he was hanging out yelling at shoppers and people that were walking down the street he was yelling here i am you thought i was dead but guess what i'm not yeah so you know i loved all these stories i got heaps more about him and whatever and uh when i went to uni i used to tell all these stories to people in Ballarat, like the next biggest town, whatever, when I went to uni. And they used to love all the Maribor stories because the way we painted it, it sounded like the craziest town on earth,

like where people thought that St. John Johnson may have been the mayor or whatever. Which he truly should have been. Yeah. So we used to tell my new Ballarat friends all the stories and whatever, and they got really into it. They were like, oh, we've got to go to Maribor. It's like Disneyland for crazy people. So we're like, no, but we're giving you the highlights of 18 years of living in a small town.

It doesn't happen like that. You don't just walk down the street and just shops start blowing up and shit like that. It's not going to happen like that then no no no we'll go we'll go you can come and point us out all the all the points of reference in all your favorite stories and whatever i'm like okay but just you know you've been warned it's not going to be that great it's just going to be a boring country town so we drove like it's an hour drive we drove out to i'm still warning them we drive into literally we get into the town we get into the main street as soon as we get into this town uh we stop at the first zebra crossing we have to stop there and sunshine johnson walks across the across the zebra crossing and i'm like oh oh and i'm like i don't want to yell out

because we're in the car and i think yeah he would possibly come and get it whatever um and i'm like, I don't want to yell out because we're in the car and I think, yeah, he would possibly come and get it. Whatever. And I'm like pointing at him going, oh, that's him. That's him. And then the other guys from Ballarat are like, that's Sunshine. Is it him? That's him. That's him. Then he walks, he gets halfway across the crossing, turns at us, hasn't even heard us, just turns at us, looks at us and goes, what the fuck are you looking at? And then kicks the car.

And then just keeps walking. Sunshine Jones. You just turn around and go back to Ballarat because you've peaked too early. That's everything that could have happened. Yeah, yeah. Wow. I had a weird, crazy person in the street. Thing happened a few weeks ago.

I was walking down Brunswick Street with some friends. We walked past a pub and there was a woman sitting outside on her own. And there were five of us in the group, and as we've walked past, she says this. She goes, you've got friends. I don't have any friends. And we're all just going, just don't speak. Just keep walking. And then my friend Emily decides for some fucking reason to make contact.

So she turns around and just goes, you'll be right, which is like that's up there with, oh, that's nice for you. That is just like ultra patronising. And then we're all going, why don't speak to her? Why have you engaged? And then as we've gotten a little bit further on, we've just heard her yelling out, you don't care. Beautiful. That chick needs to get on Facebook because then she'd find some friends.

Well, I've got apparently over 1,000 and I don't even like 12. So that happens. Hey, here's something I can forward sizzle for something that I'll have to talk about in a couple of weeks. I got a phone call from my temp agency. I do a bit of temp work in offices from time to time. Normally, it's for a lot of government work just in offices doing admin and that sort of stuff. It's all pretty much the same job, just in different buildings. But they called me on Wednesday and they're like,

we've got a bit of a different role here. Apparently someone mentioned that you'd be good for. I'm like, okay, what's going on here? And she goes, well, Tourism Victoria are having a day at the Exhibition Centre in a couple of weeks' time and they need someone to dress as a penguin Chris and Victoria are having a day at the exhibition centre in a couple of weeks' time, and they need someone to dress as a penguin and hand out pamphlets and get photos taken. And, you know, you'll have the photographer there with you,

and there'll be a photographer's assistant, and you get paid this much, and you get a break every half an hour. And I've just gone, you know what? You had me at Penguin. I'm on board. Like, who would not do that? Do you know what I You had me at Penguin. I'm on board. I'm doing it. Like, who would not do that? Do you know what I mean? Like, that's such an insane job.

You're probably the only one. If you wouldn't do it, they would have probably passed it on to another agency. You're probably the only one on the books that was like possible Penguin. Yeah. Possible Penguin. Yeah. I'm honestly so looking forward to it. My friend Drew is going to take the day off work and come down to the exhibition centre and we're going to reenact the opening scene of Billy Madison

where he's driving around in a golf cart chasing the penguin. He's going to turn up in little shorts and a hat and just be going, Mr Penguin! I'm going to take the day off not having a job anyway. Bring your kid, it'll be fun. I want to come up with a backstory for him. I want to be a real smartass about it the whole day and have like this whole thing like the penguin like i'm the penguin that escaped from like one of the optus ads sweet and it's a sweet cartoon setup where

you can say to your parents got a gig today got to get the old penguin suit and they you know expecting the tux and you come out you thought i was going to be successful. I'm just a dickhead. Yeah, oh, man, I'm so excited about it. You should be. Yeah. That's a big thing to happen in your lifetime. I know. Something so dumb is going to happen there, you know what I mean?

There's no way. Kids are going to kick you in the shins. Oh, it'd be great. You're going to stink for about a day afterwards. I bought a CD this week where I realized. That is so 1998, man. Yeah, I know, but I'm clinging to it. I'm still clinging. I like I'm a CD this week where I realised... That is so 1998, man. Yeah, I know, but I'm clinging to it.

I'm still clinging. I like... I'm a man of tradition. You should. Yeah, I feel like I'm going to JB and walking out feeling like I haven't shoplifted something.

Yeah. Where the guy doesn't go through your bag because you've already got like a JB bag. Yeah. You know that? Yeah.

He just goes, oh, no. Like, you could steal like a laptop, but if you've got your little bag, it's like, oh, you've paid us $20. Yeah. I hate that, though, the guys at any store, like the security guards.

I really tense up and I always feel like I've stolen something, even when I haven't. I don't let them check my bags. Really? Really. Do you get away with that? Have you seen the size of me? Well, okay, yeah. No, I just, I refuse.

You're not looking at my bag. And they go, yes, we can detain you. No, you can't. You absolutely cannot detain me. Yeah, okay, wow. You are a big fat security guard. Yeah. Paid here to try and intimidate people.

And I don't want to show you what's in my bag because it's private. And I'm going to. Because you're stealing shit. Well, I'm that. I steal shit. So why would I show them? You didn't get caught if you did that. It's the stupidest system I've ever known.

How am I meant to steal shit if you can look in my bag? You're really ruining this whole thing for me. It is an unfair system. The idea is you catch me in the act. Otherwise, I get to keep the shit. That's entrapment. That is entrapment, my good man. As soon as I do up the zipper, you've lost.

By the way, I've never refused. I'm looking in my bag. I freak out. I go, yeah, sorry. Yeah, what do you get? Well, actually, it's funny. It's funny that our friend of the show, Bart Freeburn, who we were talking about earlier.

Double free banger. Double free banger. Name dropping. We did a show together in the Fringe Festival last year with Dave Callen. Too late to promote it. I know. I know. I know.

Oh, God. Hang on. Hang on. This podcast is going out to 2016. But we had a... Okay, there's no way to explain this without sounding weird. We basically, for the show, one of our props was a huge black dildo. Okay.

And on the final night, we're all going, well, who's going to? And Bart goes, well, you know, whatever, I'll take it with me. It'll be funny to put up on my mantelpiece or whatever because that's the sort of thing that Bart does. That's the name of his girlfriend, mantelpiece, to be honest. So he left the venue and then he went to meet some friends at Crown Casino and you have to check your bag when you go in. And so he checks it over and they go,

we're also going to have to search it when we check it. And he's like, but you've got it. And they're like, yeah, it's just a thing we have to do. So they've opened it up and it's just there in his crumpler bag, like nestled on top of his jumper. And this says a lot about Bart. The lady's looking at it all, oh, and all weird about it. And Bart just goes, if you're going to insist on looking through people's stuff, that's what you're going to

get. Which is pretty... That's completely fair enough. I would keep that in my bag all the time and go through JB. And then react like you had stolen it and go, okay, you got me, okay. Here it is, I'm sorry. I didn't have the money, but you have it back.

And then just give the security guard the dildo then. Like giving it back to him and it's still still wet you've made it wet or something we'll do a bit of lock stock and two smoking vials and just clobber him with it um he uh but then he said the the ladies were trying to be a bit sort of flirty about and be like oh well if we get bored now we know which bag to look in and he was like yeah please don't please don't go anywhere please don't touch my please don't touch my big butt. Please don't touch my big butt. Yeah, don't be disgusted. Don't touch my dildo. What's wrong with you people?

When we've been hanging out not doing a podcast, you've got this thing of your new idea is to bring Austin Powers back, which – Do you guys hang out not doing podcasts? Do you guys meet? That's how we met. Yeah. We didn't just meet in the gym. I thought you guys just existed in here together.

No. Yeah. We met on eHarmony. Hello. Free matches. Funny. Sex reference. Yeah.

We both disliked Ed Hardy, Elvis, and we clashed over Austin Powers, though. But Daslow's trying to bring it back. No, I'm trying to bring back. You remember when they came out, it was kind of cool to quote it. And then that's- It was the raddest thing ever. Yeah. I'm trying to bring it back. I'm trying to bring back... You remember when they came out, it was kind of cool to quote it. It was the raddest thing ever. Yeah, I'm trying to bring it back. And everyone's going, it's too soon. I'm like, I know it's going to be too soon, but I'm getting in early.

Too soon? Yeah, so it's still not cool. But I reckon in six years' time, it's going to make a comeback. And I just want everyone to remember this moment. I want everyone to remember me as the pioneer of it. So give us one of the catchphrases. Well, how it started was I turned up to a party with a friend, and it was a bit of a, I don't know, there were a bunch of weirdos there,

and my friend went, well, this is a bit of an odd party, and I've turned around and gone, it's my happening, and it freaks me out, baby, yeah! And she's just gone, did you just quote Austin Powers? I'm like, you're goddamn right I did. And so from there it's just snowballed. One of my friends is really into it, my friend Kate, texts me Austin Powers quotes all the time.

So you know what? If it's got to be one person at a time, I'm fine with that. You seem like you're on board. Look, what I'm on board with is Austin Powers was a great time in my life. It was a time where... Do you mean just around the time that the movies came out, good things would happen to you? No, I just mean the time watching the movies.

It was a great time in my life. It wasn't the swinging 60s. Yeah, I went back in time. I don't know if you're up with what happened in that film, but we all went back in time and watched a theatre show. You make it sound like you worked at Movie World as one of the guys who plays him and works around his stuff. No, I didn't.

You were friends with Fred and Thelma. What I have a problem with is people who quote movies. That's odd, Tommy, in general, just to quote movie lines, like to speak. Somebody said to me the other day, I said to them in an email, who's a very close friend, I said, hey, dickhead. That's funny to say that to people that you like. And I wrote this email about whatever it was.

And he wrote back simply, you had me at hey, dickhead. Now, that's a reference say that to people that you like, and wrote this email about whatever it was. And he wrote back simply, you had me at Hey Dickhead. Now that's a reference to Jerry Maguire. And I went, wow, he really is a dickhead. I made a Jerry Maguire reference not 15 minutes ago in this very conversation. Did you? Yeah, I said you had me at Penguin. You did too.

I did too. See, and that's what jogged my memory about Dickhead. Maybe what I'll do is if you ever want me back on the podcast again, because I've really enjoyed this Saturday afternoon, I will put together a letter of complaint written only in movie quotes. Oh my God, yes. Let's do it. Okay, let's absolutely do that. Okay.

You know what I don't like, and there's a man in here who's very guilty of this happening. Here we go. There's people that use their Facebook status updates to bloody put song lyrics in. Oh, God. That shit. That is so shit. It is the shittest thing. I'm sorry for taking up six seconds of your precious little day to read a song lyric.

But it does take up six seconds of my precious little day because I a song lyric. But it does take up six seconds of my precious little day, because I think Tommy Vasileau, I like him. He's a grooving young gentleman. So I will read what he has to say. Wait, what? That's from a song. How else am I going to impress people with the breadth of my musical knowledge? I need to let people know what bands that I like.

I have come to assume that people who do that think that they came up with it. I'm like, do they know that that's from a song? Yeah, and then they put some tragic fucking lyric in there and then all of a sudden, all the responses are oh, Tommy, are you okay? And it's like No, I don't do that. I don't do that. It's like, oh no I've just been listening to fucking Kings of Leon today.

Oh, I hate that I'm getting old that I think that's what the kids are doing. That's I hate that I'm getting old that I think that's what the kids are doing. Dassolo's just hanging out listening to fucking Bananarama again. Bam. Dassolo's quoting the Bay City Rollers again. Now that I know that you hate it, I am going to really turn the heat up on that. If you thought I did it a lot before, strap in. If you thought that you thought I was a dickhead before,

just write it on your own hand and look at it. Don't put it out there for the universe to look at. Get it tattooed on your arm. Yeah. Get it tattooed on your thigh. If you believe in something, then you should put it on your body forever. See, if you'd had Facebook at the time, you probably wouldn't have gotten those tattoos.

You probably wouldn't have gotten those as a status and you could have saved yourself money and pain. No, but you probably wouldn't have gotten those tattoos. You probably wouldn't have figured out what was the status, and you could have saved yourself money and pain and a lifetime of regret. No, but he probably wouldn't have. I wouldn't have. That song goes over 160 characters. He wouldn't have put it on Twitter and went, fuck it, straight to the thigh. Okay, well, I think that brings us to the end of this second episode. Thanks, everyone, for listening.

If you've liked it, get on iTunes, give us a rating, leave a review. That will make our lives better somehow. I don't quite know how. We're on Twitter, we're on Facebook, we're all that sort of stuff. Come back next week. Thanks so much for listening in. Thanks again to Harley Breen for being here. We really appreciate it.

Thank you so much. We'll catch you soon. Tommy and Carl, The Little Dum Dum Club, winding it up for another week. See you, mate. See you, mate. See you, mates. See you, mates. Hey, lady, don't you remember? You was my lover, you was my friend.