The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 20 - Josh Earl

Episode Date: March 7, 2011

Potato Cakes, Sex Partner and Obvious Lies. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey mates, welcome once again to the Little Dumb Dumb Club. My name is Tommy Dasolo, sitting opposite me, my co-host Carl Chandler. Hey Dickhead. How you doing? Yeah. How's that potato cake and drumstick that you had on the way in sitting? Pretty good. I actually needed it for sustenance.

I made a major error coming in. I parked, I thought I parked about 20 metres away from where we were recording. I parked about six long blocks, so I needed a breather in between a bit of tater cake and icy cream. Yeah, no wonder you were late. You came in looking very happy with yourself. Yeah, I did. Your little cap on.

I walked from Zone 2 to Zone 3. You crossed over. Welcome once again to the Little Dumb Dumb Club. We should point out you may be listening to this on Barry Digital Radio, and if you are, welcome aboard. This show is the Little Dum Dum Club. It's myself and Carl Chandler chatting to a comedian pal of ours. And if you like what you're hearing, go check out all our old episodes on iTunes.

Also, Comedy Festival tickets are on sale, so if you're into that sort of stuff, get on the Comedy Festival website, go see some shows. Housekeeping out of the way, we've got a great show for you today. A good friend of ours, a stand-up comedian. You may have seen him on the Comedy Festival Gala last year. You may have heard his show Lime Champions. It's Joshua. Yay!

And The Circle. I was on The Circle once. You were on The Circle? What did you do on The Circle? Ding Dong wasn't on it when I was on Lime. Oh, that's no Circle. That's no Circle to me. Tom Green instead.

Really? Yeah. Yeah, it was good. Yeah. He was one of the co-hosts. Yeah, he had no idea what he was meant to be doing and had just landed from the States. I don't know where he lives in the States. I'm guessing LA. Yeah.

And was like, so what is this show? What can I do? What can't I say? Can we show clips from my show? No? Okay. And just sat there. Yeah, 10.30 or 10 o'clock in the morning,

that's when Tom Green would shine. And then I came out and talked about cakes from a book he had no idea what it was. And he was just there going, wow, you like cakes a lot, don't you? He was awesome because he was in town for the comedy festival last year and he took the town by storm. Yeah, tickets are available. I think you can get tickets.

Well, at this taping, like backstage I said, oh, can we ask you about Drew Barrymore? And he was like, you can but we got divorced and it was really sad so maybe not. That was great. If you want to ruin your show, you're more than welcome to ask me about it. I should have seen a grown man cry at 10.05.

So we should point out that we're, due to the circumstances of how we're recording this, we're in a different studio to where we normally record. We normally record either at SYN or at our new home of Austereo, their studios. But today we're in the Triple R Studios, home of Josh Earle, at his suggestion. Jill don't leave. Jill don't leave Triple R. Now, is this some kind of ploy to, like, put us off our game and sort of establish control of the little Dundon Club?

I feel more comfortable. Yeah, because so far you may be able to tell we seem, both Carl and I, massively uncomfortable. I mean, the equipment's nicer. I can see way too many black-framed glasses at the moment. Yeah. Well, I just wanted to come here because it's close to my house. Yeah, well.

That was why. Yeah, it's kind of close to mine. Carl's had to make an epic journey. I'm closer to my house at the moment than I am my car. Is there going to be a potato cake drumstick combo on the way back? There might be a potato cake. Yeah. Not the drumstick.

Not another drumstick. A cornetto. He's going to get a cornetto on the way back. They're the same thing, aren't they? No. Really? I don't think they are. Do both of them have a chocolate tip?

I think Cornetto is better. Yeah, I was talking about this the other day. Like when, you know, back in the olden days of ice creams, how you had your Paddle Pops and whatever, and pretty much everything was about a dollar. And then you had your Magnum, which was two dollars. You are so young. Back in the old days when ice creams were $1.

Well, no. My point being, Magnum was like the really indulgent one that was like double the price of all the others. And now the market's oversaturated. Like it's harder to find one that's not extreme. Do you know what I mean? It's got fucking heaps of nuts and caramel. Remember the Memphis Meltdown?

Oh, yeah. And that was like the first one on top of the Magnum? Yeah, that was the Pepsi to the Magnum's Coke. Yeah, because the Magnum was like that rich chocolate. Could you pass the Magnum challenge? Because the Magnum was like that creamy ice cream and then the rich chocolate and then the Memphis Meltdown was that, but with like a layer of caramel, like in between two bits of chocolate.

Gooey caramel. Yeah, and from then it was like the rules no longer apply. Now there's just all sorts of crazy shit going on. I feel really ghetto now when I get, like, I'll get lemonade icy pollens, like 80 cents. I'm like, oh, am I some sort of hobo? Like, shouldn't I be paying $4.50 for something at the moment? It used to be 30 cents. That was the lemonade icy pollens, what you had when you had a sore throat.

Yes, yes. In the Earl household. Yeah, right. I actually won a pair of Reebok pumps from a Paddle Pop liquor price. Wow. Yeah. We were going up to visit my very sick grandmother in Launceston. We were driving, it was a two-hour drive, and had her boyfriend, partner, whatever he was, he was just some guy who hung around in the car.

F-Buddy? Yeah, I think so. I think so. But they never said what he was. He just was some guy who hung around in the car. F-Buddy? Yeah, I think so. I think so. But they never said what he was. He just was always at our Christmases. But mum bought us all ice creams and he didn't want his. And so I had two. And on his one is how I won the Reebok pumps.

Oh! Yeah. And it took him about six months to get to me. Did he try and claim, did he want the Reebok pumps for himself? No, I don't think he knew what they were like I try to explain like their shoes that you can pump up and he's like what the soul pumps up nothing the tongue pumps up he's a boy what would that help time up if buddy of your auntie has a point grandma grandma sorry if buddy

that just reminds me I saw the other day, you know that new movie, the new Ashton Kutcher vehicle? No strings attached. Friend of the show. At A+. I saw an ad online. Is it in France or it's in somewhere where you've got the literal translation or whatever? There's like a movie poster up in France somewhere and the name of the movie is Sex Partner. or whatever, there's like a movie poster up in France somewhere and the name of the movie is Sex Partner.

That sounds like that film title would be better if it was like a buddy cop movie. Sex Partner. But on that thing of getting someone else's... That would be good as well if it was one of those old school where it was like a cop and a monkey. But on that thing of claiming someone else's prize, like because you had his IC poll,

I know a guy who is like hands down like the unluckiest guy you'll ever meet. Like I worked with him in an office for a little bit and every day he would come up with some new story about some insanely horrendous thing that had happened to him. And he remembers the first kind of bad thing was when he was, I think, like 10, him and his dad went down to the supermarket and they had all their stuff there and there was this woman behind them who just had a carton of milk and she's like, oh, I'm in a real rush.

Can I just cut in? I've just got to get this carton of milk. I'm in a real hurry. And this guy's dad is like, no, no, no, no, no, you're not cutting in, no, no, no. And then the kid, you know, being 10, he's like, dad, come on, don't be such a hard-ass, let her in. So she cuts in line, they nah, nah. And then the kid, you know, being 10, he's like, Dad, come on. Don't be such a hard-ass. Let her in. So she cuts in line.

They scan the milk, goes through the register, and then alarms start going off. Balloons fall from the ceiling. No way. Because he claims she's like the millionth customer or whatever, gets cash in a car, and then the dad was all in the shits that she just didn't turn around and go, you have some of this, and just what? I say some of that story's true. I don't think balloons fell because have you been to a supermarket

where they've got a roof that will open up and balloons fall? It's not my story. I want to buy into it. And a crocodile came out of the dunny. And then everyone stood up and gave me applause. I've got a friend who finishes most of his stories like that. Oh, really? Yeah, I was in the cinema and this woman was talking.

I said, hey, woman, shut up, and everyone there stood up and clapped me. I was like, that didn't happen. Even in movies they're not that ridiculous. But no, I like any story. Not even in Sex Partner. But I like any story that, I like a bit of sizzle at the end of a story.

Like, I buy into it. You know, it's funnier to imagine that, because I've had stuff like that happen where you go to yourself, no one's going to believe that this happened because if i saw this in a movie i would say bullshit that can't happen like i was in a supermarket once and i had a big bottle of pepsi max like a two liter bottle bullshit yeah i know i know right there with me what comic book have you got this out of i've um so i've dropped the bottle right there must have been shaken up a lot on its way to the supermarket or whatever like in the shipping so i've dropped it it right, and it must have been shaken up a lot on its way to the supermarket or whatever, like in the shipping.

So I've dropped it. It's landed on the lid, like top down, and the force of the drop has kind of like snapped the lid off. The pressure has launched the bottle across the aisle. The bottle has smashed into a display of Tabasco sauce. All the Tabasco sauce bottles are broken, so there's Tabasco sauce and Pepsi all over the floor And then the bottle is just like sort of lying

Kind of spinning around like as it runs out of steam Just going And so I'm standing there just covered in shit Just looking at it going There's no way that just happened Like looking at it going If I watched that on TV I'd turn off and go

That's bullshit And the balloons fell from the sky Yeah I was the millionth person to do that in the store And then someone just shut up And everyone went Yay! It's awkward though when you spill something Or break something in a shop The balloons fell from the sky. Yeah, I was the millionth person to do that in the store. And then someone said, shut up, and everyone went, yay! It's awkward, though, when you spill something or break something in a shop because you feel like you should clean it up,

but you don't have any of the means. So someone comes out and you're like, oh, do you want me to? Oh, I can do it. And they're like, nah, we'll just do it. Just get out. You've showed what you can do already. I used to work in a supermarket. Oh, check out, Chick. Yeah. Really? Yeah, Rolf Voss, which is the pet. You've showed what you can do already. I used to work in a supermarket. Ah, checkout chick.

Yeah. Really? Yeah, Rolf Voss, which is the Pepsi version of Safeway. It's Rolf Harris. You pronounced it wrong. That's in Tassie. But I used to work on the checkout and the trolley boy. That's what I was.

But a friend of mine, Kynan Mole, used to come in. Oh, the clang name dropper. Is that brother of Kylie? No. He used to come in and on the end of displays, used to like, what did it say? It was toilet paper. Yeah.

Just run into them and fall on the ground and just yell out really loudly, oh, me dick, me dick, oh, me dick, really loudly, knowing that me and Stuart, my other friend who worked there, would have to pick it up and pretend that we didn't know him because then we would get in trouble because the boss would say, your mates are coming in and causing a ruckus. Oh, that's awesome. What does Trolley Boy entail? Just getting them out of the car park?

Yeah, going to the car park. No offence, but in my town, all the Trolley Boys were disabled. I think that came in later. You established the precedent. But it was before the, you know how you've got to put a dollar in and they all link up. It was before that. So it was just me.

Pandemonium. Yeah, and so I think I used to do 14 at a time. That was your record? Well, not my record, but that's what I was comfortable with. Was that what you were known for? Yeah. 14? Around Christmas I would have to do 22 because it was just chaos.

Christmas Eve, just, oh, fuck. Would you add one more every day to Christmas that's coming along? Yeah, try it. Like an advent calendar of trolleys? I had this guy that I grew up with who was mental. Oh, yeah, he ended up going to jail. This guy who's the biggest liar but he was like this really harmless liar. These were his stories.

His stories would go, one time he was walking through the bush and he found a ghost town. He walked into a cave and the wall of the cave moved and he found a ghost town. And he was just walking around. Like platform eight and three quarters or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like a a ghost town. And he was just walking around. Like platform eight and three quarters or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like a cowboy ghost town. And then he, you know what happened then? He walked out and then he couldn't find it again.

So he couldn't show us. So that was unfortunate because we would have liked to have seen that. Another story was he went fishing with his dad and he went out in the middle of the lake and his dad threw dynamite into the lake and then all the fish flew into the boat. People used to do that in Tassie. Oh, really?

Yeah, there's a running coach down in Tassie who blew his arm off because he was trying to get it in. And, yeah, that's how he's got a hook on his arm. Right. Yeah. Oh, well, now he's even more suitable to go fishing. Yeah. Well, he – and then the other one was um this is the best one he wants his dad

um oh and he's this is actually a true true bit of it his dad he's mentioned in one of the chopper books oh what yeah he's like a proper crim um his dad once bought a new harley davidson brought around to show his mum and then his his mum, like this guy's grandma, was like, oh, that looks pretty easy to ride. I reckon I could ride it. And the dad was like, no, you couldn't. I'll show you how I'm going to ride it. And then started up, took off, and accidentally hooked the grandma onto the end of the Harley.

So then he's driving down the street and didn't notice and was like, down the street. And she was flapping along in the breeze, like washing. That is the plot to Sex Partner, surely. It is interesting. Just at the end of that, we've had our fun. This is what happened in the end. The last time I saw him was on the front cover of the Herald Sun when he dug up a woman out of the grave of a cemetery

and severed the hand off her to use as an ashtray. So if you want to go through the archives of the Herald Sun 1994, circa 1994, you can find this guy. Cut off a corpse's hand. Just go down to off your tree and get an ashtray there. Fuck, man. So that's from your hometown. Yeah.

I reckon your hometown and my hometown are pretty similar. Yeah, right. Just listening to the podcast. Yeah, man. So that's from your hometown. Yeah. I reckon your hometown and my hometown are pretty similar. Yeah, right. Just listening to the podcast. Yeah, right. Just a whole bunch of mental people. Yeah. And a whole bunch of friends who either didn't get out and went to jail or got out as soon as they could.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah. All of my friends got out as soon as they could. Yeah. Yeah. If I go back there now, I don't know anyone. Yeah. Have you got a good mental story from your...

Where'd you go? In Tasmania? Burnie. Burnie, Tasmania. Northwest Coast. Right you got a good mental story from your... Where did you go? In Tasmania? Burnie. Burnie, Tasmania. Northwest Coast. How many people? 16,000. Oh, that's a fair...

Yeah, it's a city, but they're all mental. Right. Like, it was a city. The Queen came in 1998, and then the big factory there, which was the paper factory, closed down, and pretty much everyone left straight away. And so it's got to have 20,000 people to be a city. And then in the space of like a year or two, like 5,000 people just left. And so the Queen had been there.

It's a city. Oh, well, we're still a city. That's 15,000 then? Yeah. Yeah. But then they picked up because they breed a lot. My neighbour when I was growing up, Danny Flight. Clang, there's another one.

Friend of the show. Flighty. Yeah. We were bored growing up there and used to just ride our bikes and stuff. But one day we decided what he'd do is eat a packet of chocolate laxatives just to see what would happen. Just to see what we heard that might make you poo your pants. I know what happened.

16,000 down to 15,000. So, yeah, he shat his pants. But instead of telling his mum what he did, what he did was he got a tennis ball, put his shitty undies inside the tennis ball and then threw it over the back fence so his mum wouldn't find the evidence. The worst Kinder Surprise ever.

Imagine being struck by that. Jesus. No, because it was city, but it was pretty country. Like the back of all our houses was paddocks with cows and stuff in it. Right. So it's pretty country. So a cow would have found it. That's what it would have been.

Or gnawed. Ugh. Yeah. Maybe that's what you should have done the time you shat yourself, Carl. Just tennis ball in the sheets and straight over the fence. Yeah, putting a volleyball and whack it over the net. Did you have a friend growing up that would tell lies, that would spin shit?

Yeah, Danny Flight. Ah, right, okay. Yeah, hopefully he's not listening. He tells lies. I'd be rapt if he was. He probably is telling people he's listening. He'd also do this thing where he would give people nicknames. Oh, yeah.

So I was Earl Mixture for no reason at all. Earl Mixture. Earl Mixture. There was another guy whose nickname was Butch. Paul Bartlett was Butch, and he would call him Butch Aggie. Butch Aggie, eh? Butch Aggie. So, like, he would take someone's nickname and then tack his own thing onto the end.

Which is, that's cheeky. Another friend of ours, Justin Humber, got called Apple Crumble. Because Humber and UMB. I don't know about Earl Mixture. Earl Mixture, I don't know where it came from. I think it's very interesting with friends that tell lies. It's particularly interesting when you get, because when you're a kid, it's kind of a different thing.

You know, kids spin a lot of shit, but then when you get to a certain age, like when you're sort of out of school, you know, and people, like of shit. But then when you get to a certain age, like when you're sort of out of school, you know, and people like knowing someone in your group who's kind of – when there's the debate about people going, I reckon everything he says is made up. Like when it gets into like that pathological kind of thing. Because I knew a guy a few years ago who we sort of started to work out was just spinning shit because his big claim was that he was a spy for ASIO, that when he was 14, he'd been picked up.

How long did this take you to work this one out? Well, because I didn't really know him. We made friends with some girls that knew him, and so he was then kind of around. We sort of didn't know, and then I think one day, the way it came out was he had said to all of the girls in the group, hey, you know, you're like my best friend so you're the only person I'm telling and you can't tell anyone else this. And then we were at a party and they all kind of, they were all like, oh, yeah. And then they'd all bought into it and then they've told me and my mate Drew

and we're just like, that is so obviously bullshit. Are you kidding me? You've believed that this whole time. And they're like, no, but why would he make it up? We're like, because he's a mental. Why would he make up to girls that he's a spy? Yeah, exactly. But it was all this stuff because he's like, yeah,

he claimed that they picked him up when he was like 14 and he'd turn up to parties late with a black eye and go, yeah, I got into a fight with my trainer and all this kind of shit. So that's why he's lying. Because dad, bloody. But the best one I ever heard him try and spin was that he claimed, he would say, you know in the Optus ads how they've got the animals in them? It's me.

It's my idea. He claimed that he was the person that went to Optus and went, you know what you should do in your ads? Put animals in them. That's him. You know what I love about a lie is not something stupid like that, like, oh, yeah, I'm a spy, because you go, oh, no, you're not. Even if you were a spy, you'd go, no, you're not.

You're not a spy. I like it when they have those details, those little detailed lies, or something really obscure, so you're like, why would anyone make that up? Yeah. There's someone that – there's a person that we all have met before that one of my favourite lies, because I just think it is such a lie, but it's such a detailed lie that you just don't go, oh, that's not true. He was like, I was married and my ex-wife is the girl that you see

on the keycard ad outside of pubs or whatever that advertises, you know, to get a keycard instead of a driver's licence. That's my ex-wife on there. Because then you can't look at it and go Oh, did you marry Jane Citizen? Oh, no, it's probably not her name So I wanted to talk about this Because this is something that came up the other day When me and Josh were talking

You know, you're a friend of the program Oh, I'm a big friend of the program You and I have been acquaintances for some time We've been friends for some time Yeah, ever since I pretty much started on the stand-up team Yeah, I came to your wedding I'm presuming that you're going to name your forthcoming child after me Effort's a boy.

How well do you guys know each other, Josh and Carl? Not that, no. Not amazingly. I don't think you're going to name any child after me. Now, we were talking about this because I was saying, because your name came up with Nick Cody, friend of the show. Yeah. Yeah, and saying he read a text message that you sent out to him

and he goes, guess who this is? And we guessed straight away. Because it said something like, you're a cop, you're a wanker, something like that. He jokes a shit. Yeah. Something like, put some rape jokes on there. And then he was talking about how, yeah,

you just bag him out the whole time. And I said, I've never seen that side of Carl. Oh, right. And then we're like, maybe I'm not friends with him. Yeah, well, that's coming up. That's something we'll look forward to. Oh, good. Maybe at the end of the hour.

Maybe this is what it takes. You can't start with that. When you get familiar, you can insult someone. How far in do you need to be into it? I think we're getting there, Josh. We're getting closer. But I think it's different for us, though, me and Carl, because you're at the age where you can still go up to someone

and say, will you be my friend? We're at that age where... What a stitch-up. What an absolute stitch-up. It's a bit harder if you're a bit older. I feel we're more friends now. I wish those days never ended, though. Like, how good would that be if you could still just go up to someone and go you'll be my friend i don't think that ever happened with me

that's unsurprising probably someone did it to you once and you went oh look at this guy this is something very briefly off the subject but on the subject of that noise you just made when my girlfriend imitates me, she goes, because as I want to do, I'll say, oh, look at that thing. She'll go, oh, why don't we go over there? And I'm like, yeah, let's go over there. When she imitates me, she'll go, oh, look at you. I suppose you don't want to do that. You'll be like, oh, yeah, let's go and do that. What's the burr noise? That's you, you know, burr.

I think you're struggling for burr. She can't bring herself to actually. It's like how some people can't whistle. Yeah. She can't burr. Yeah. I don't think I've told you this. You know, we've got fans of the show out there,

and when I've met people and you haven't been around who listen to the show, a few people have said to me, hey, on the show when someone goes, is that, who is that? Is that you or Carl? Like there's huge debate in the Dumb Dumb community on the forums about which one of us is doing the noise. Oh, I thought you were going to say, is that real or is that like a sound effect? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The Michael Winslow of podcasts. That's when we know we've really made it is when we just have a button. We're in a proper studio now. That's a bit of Skywalker Ranch, a bit of industrial light and magic happening. Are there wacky sound effect buttons on this panel? No, there's a computer next to it. A triple R, do you reckon there really is? There's just one person going, mmm.

There's buttons that you press for long pauses. I've always been quite interested in this, because I think this is a good story. You were saying that we've been friends since around about the time you started in Melbourne. Yep. Talk us through your arrival from, your departure from Burnie. Yep. And then heading over to Melbourne. Okay, so no, I left Burnie, I lived in Launceston for five years.

Okay, right. Did uni there. I was in a long-term relationship, four and a half years, and she was living in Devonport, which is about an hour away, an hour and 20 minutes away, and I didn't drive. So it's sort of the distance from the studio to Carl's car right now, just to give you some context. I didn't drive, and then so I... Bus, train?

No, a friend of mine was a courier, and he used to do that drive every day, and so she'd just got back from a holiday, and I said... You set yourself up in the bag? I said, come up and hang out and she goes no i'll stay the night and then i'll drive up then and so i gotta lift down there and he dropped me off at her house at 6 30 in the morning i had a key let myself in walked in on her and another dude in bed in the nude yeah um yeah and two days before, I booked my first ever gig. That was two weeks after this gig. Wow.

Not this gig, this event. It's a hell of a gig. I walked in and saw him, woke him up, walked out of the room. She came out and kind of we had a massive argument. He stayed in the room, didn't come out. He's also six foot seven. And so if you don't didn't come out. He's also 6'7". And so if you don't know who I am. He's lying down, 6'7".

That's massive. You can see why she got with him. Yeah, I'm 5'7", so I wasn't going to do anything. Then I had to wait for my friend to finish. He had to go all the way to Smithton, which is another hour. Do all the runs. Yeah, Hannah G is another hour. Do all the runs. Hannah Gadsby country. And then drive back.

So it was a three hour of me just in her lounge room waiting for him. And then he picked me up. I drove back up and then pretty much booked my flight to Melbourne pretty much after that and went, right, I'm going to move to Melbourne. Really? Wow. But in that time I did some gigs. And so I did one, my first gig was supporting,

my second gig was supporting Rod Quantock because I was the only comic in town. And then he kind of said, yeah, you should move to Melbourne and do comedy as a very flippant remark. But I thought it was, you should do it and I'll help you out. He didn't say that, but I moved here. Come live with me. You'll be my opening act. I moved here staying on people's floors for about two months.

You can be like private snooze. Yeah. Well, I heard, I don't know if I've ever asked you this, I heard that when you first moved to Melbourne, you slept in the graveyard. Yeah, one night. What? One night. Only because a friend who I was staying at lived in Carlton and I didn't know anyone else in Carlton. All my friends were on the other side of the city in Prahran and stuff like that.

So I caught the last tram over to his house. He said, just call me when you're there and I'll come and meet you from the tram stop because it's a back alley street and, yeah, you won't find it. So I called and he's got his phone turned off. I didn't know anyone else. I didn't have enough money to get a taxi to anyone's who i knew so the graveyard was there i thought oh i'll just jump the fence and go in there it'll be quieter and i can camp and then i rang around a bunch of friends and a friend of a friend lived in carlton so i spent four hours in a graveyard and then went

to her house and on the way there went past the 24-hour florist with the thing and got some flowers and went oh hi i'm staying here you go uh yeah but nothing happened between us not enough money for taxi but enough money for flowers they're five bucks you know okay if you buy them at like four in the morning they're not going to be expensive the prices come down at that hour yeah surely unless it was just a really cheap florist don't be awesome if there was a florist rate like that. Come and get your flowers at 2 to 6 a.m. We'll half the price. That 24-hour florist, I lived like around the corner from that.

That bamboozles me. I don't get what it's like. Why? Why does a florist need to be open 24 hours? Here's the other two things then. Why is there three 24-hour bakeries in Adelaide? And I'm not accusing them of doing the wrong thing because I think it's great. Yeah. But there's also out past my girlfriend's parents' house out in Doncaster, 24-hour pancake parlor.

Yeah. Yeah. Adelaide's got pancake parlor 24 hours as well. 24-hour pancake parlor? It's not a pancake parlor in Adelaide. Oh, is it? No, it's just some – I don't think it's... Yeah, it's not a chain. This is the proper pancake parlor out in Doncaster. 24 hours.

I'm really tempted to go there at 4. Have you ever been there? I've been there, not at 4 in the morning. Right, it's pretty... After about 11, it gets pretty rank. There's just people doing burnouts in the car park. It's a full-on... Yeah, it's pretty... A guy I know went there and let someone cut in front of him and she

was the minute some balloons came down. And then there was redbacks in his dreadlocks. Yeah, the 24-hour bakery thing. I don't get why we don't – why haven't we gotten on board with that? It's so much better than 24-hour McDonald's or whatever. Exactly. Last time I went to Adelaide, I was there for four nights, four nights doing comedy, and we went to all three.

Yeah. So we did the rounds. Did you have a pipe loader? I didn't. I quite liked them, but I didn't have one. In Hobart, there's a 24-hour bakery as well. Oh, really? Yeah, right.

Yeah, down at Salamanca. I don't get why we're not on board with that. And, you know, it makes complete sense because the bakers are there in the middle of the night. That's it. Well, a friend of mine is from a small country town, and she was saying they had a bakery there that wasn't 24-hour, but it basically became a 24-hour bakery because people would be coming home

from the bars and the clubs at 4 a.m., and the bakers are in there, and they can see them. So they're banging on the windows going, give us a fucking cheesy pint, and they'd end up just dishing it out anyway. And then they kind of went, well, we're dishing it out and making money anyway. We may as well just be open all the time. A mate in my hometown did exactly the same thing. He was a baker and it was like every Friday, Saturday night,

all the crowd from the Bull and Mouth. The what? The Bull and Mouth. That was the local. The Bull and Mouth? The Bull and Mouth. You know how like that English tradition of having the skeleton and cocktail. Yeah, but that is like the most horrendous combination.

Yeah, I guess so. The Bull and Mouth? It's such that is like the most horrendous combination. Yeah, I guess so. The bull and mouth. It's such a... It is a horrendous place. It was... Why not two animals? Why are you going an animal and a part of the anatomy? There's weirder ones than that, though.

Really? Yeah, isn't there? Isn't there like really ridiculous ones? Like the elephant and ghost or something like that? The elephant and ghost. I reckon a better one would just be The Ghost Elephant. Yeah. That's a good name for a pub.

I'd go there. That'd be like a real trendy. That wouldn't be like a country town. That'd be like a hipster ghost elephant. That'd be where Carl's mate went and couldn't find it again. Like, oh, yes, pub. Yeah, this crazy pub called The Ghost Elephant. Yeah, and then I chopped his hand off.

Josh, I was thinking about this on the way here. You seem to have a lot of weird gig stories and weird reviews. You seem to attract weird reviews. Like generally positive, but you get weird reviews that are... I get reviews that don't talk anything about my comedy. Is that what you're talking about? Yeah, overly sexual reviews. I had one that was like she, I can't remember who it was for,

but it was like saying that halfway through she wanted to jump vagina first and polish my face so it resembled a national guitar. A national guitar? Yeah, like they're the shiny ones. Oh, right. Yeah, and so. So what's she keeping up her vag if she's capable of that kind of act? And then he mentioned his fiancée,

and I sat back down in my seat and crossed my legs. That was the only thing stopping her. Yeah, and another one, it was like... You're getting married. There's no need to cross your legs. He's not a threat. And another one that said when he walked on stage, 50 girls' ovaries exploded.

Oh. Oh. Yeah. It's a shame. It's just gross. Is this the same review? No, these are different reviews. I hope that wasn't your hometown or that population wouldn't be growing. So there's those reviews.

And then other reviews where it just says, take your mum. Take your mum. Take your mum and – He'll fuck her. Yeah. Well, a friend of mine – I don't know if I've ever told you about this. A friend of mine has a bit of a crush on you, has for a long time from seeing me do gigs with you.

Here we go. She's quite taken by you. And there was one night we were at a gig that you were at and the two of us were there. We chatted to you and then we left the venue and I think it was like we went out the front door around to the car and you'd gone out around the back. You'd gone out like a different way.

So we're walking around the front of the venue and she's gone, oh my God, I'm so in love with him. Oh my God. And really rabbiting on. And then as we're walking down the street, you've come to walk like around the corner, like you were right there. And then she got really freaked out that you'd heard her. And I'm like, he thinks about himself a lot.

He's probably. Yeah, I don't. I wouldn't have heard her. I would have just been thinking about myself. Well, you have now. I would have said something to you at least. Yeah, what later? Not to her, yeah. Like, can she polish?

But you also, you were writing for Playboy. Penthouse. Penthouse, yeah. I wrote for Penthouse. I did this thing. Publicist, a really great one, got me a gig, said for Comedy Festival, oh, they want like heaps of people writing for Penthouse, so can you do an article? And so I went, okay.

Is this the same publicist that tried to get Belvedere to come to your show? Yeah, it was. As like a marketing technique? Yeah. They sat us down and we were like, okay, it's two weeks in the festival and you've done nothing. What's going to happen? They said, oh, we thought we would send someone for confidential to get there.

As seen, they were seen at the – it was when I was doing the Renegades of Folk. And it was like – so we thought we know Belvedere, so we'll send Belvedere to your show. God, why couldn't I have sent someone from Penthouse? But then they got Penthouse, got me a gig, and it was like just write one thing. And it was like I wrote it because I was a librarian at the time, so I wrote like a day in the life of a librarian as if it was being interviewed by Penthouse. Yeah.

And so they liked it and then wanted me to write a monthly column for them about anything I wanted, and it was nothing to do with sex. So I just wrote about working in the library and being a little indie dick. And then they wanted me to play at the Penthouse Pet of the Year Awards. What? And I said, I will do that. I didn't want to do it. I said, no, no.

And they said, no, we want you to because you're part of the magazine and we're trying to get a new audience for the magazine because of, you know, internet. No one buys magazines anymore. We keep accidentally putting naked women in there. People get the wrong idea. And I said, I'll do some library stuff, but can I get the girls? Because no one there knows who I was. So I said, can I get the girls to dress up as librarians then?

And that's how I'll do it. I'll do it like that, which is a bad concept, but it was the only way I thought the guys will actually listen and they won't heckle and throw stuff at me if they're still naked. Yeah, that's great. And then I got there and the girls had not been informed about this at all and all got really antsy about it. I said, no, we're not doing it.

No way. Because I brought cardigans and stuff for them. How dare you? We're not putting clothes on. It was like, no. And it was like, we're not a joke. Don't make us a joke. And then I said, right, well, if they're not doing it, I It was like, no. And it was like, we're not a joke. Don't make us a joke. And then I said, right, well, if they're not doing it, I'm not going to do it.

And then I think the editor at the time said, okay, you don't have to do it. It's fine. And then they changed editors and the new editor, which was a woman, said, you've got to write about sex. That's all men want to read about. And I went, well, I'm not going to do that. And so I quit. And that's how I quit Penthouse.

But David Sedaris used to write for Penthouse. That's how I used to justify it in my mind. I just used the Naked Chicks. That'd be mine. No, it was terrible because we would get them sent to us. Naked Chicks sent to you? The magazine. It got to a point where me and my girlfriend at the time,

which is my wife now, over breakfast would just be flicking through Penthouse magazines just going, we've really got to change this. We've got to put them away. That's awesome. No. Have you kept any of them? Can I have some?

Can you, how did you get that? Did you get me that? Did you used to bury them up the bush? No. I know what you're talking about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you probably don't know this. No, I don't know that.

This was the only way you used to be able to see porn, unless your dad had some. You used to have to find it in the bush. And word would go around, and it would be like, oh, oh, my God, get on your bike, there's got a porno. And it would be like a picture or a People magazine. I think Australia Post even had boobs in it for a bit. A little bit of something. With the Anamoga pub.

Yeah, I was going to say. I'm disappointed that I didn't grow up in that time. It sounds way more thrilling than just having to find one of the Asian kids at the tuck shop and give him $20 to get a burnt CD of stuff that he downloaded off LimeWire or whatever. No, well, kids up in the country did that. Even comic books. I remember people had, like, stacks of comic books out in the bush.

I don't know why. Why they would hide a bit of DuckTales, but anyway. Yeah. Unless Scrooge McDuck got them out in one copy, but probably not. That's got to be out there now, though. Have you seen the trailer for The Simpsons porno that someone's made? No. And it's not animated.

It's like actual actors and they've painted their skin yellow. Really? Yeah, and there's a trailer that you can watch that's on YouTube that doesn't have any of the... It's just got the set-ups to the storylines and stuff. But it's creepy. Yeah. It's so awful.

Because there was the case of the animated one. Someone made it and it got done for child pornography because it had Bart and Lisa doing stuff and that's child porn done for child pornography because it had really stuff yeah right all right anyway i'm pretty keen to see that trailer though that's ridiculous yeah have a look at it it's it's it's yeah at the start it's like oh my god what am i watching and then towards the end it's just because you realize that it's being sell as a legitimate thing like their aim is someone's going to spend money yeah on that and rub one out to weird Simpsons porno. Yeah, it's really disgusting.

It's weird. It's really weird. So you've mentioned a couple of times your now wife. Yep. I was at your wedding. You was. And you sent me a great text. You had to leave early because it was during Fringe.

Yes. And you sent me a text saying I'm in and out Hungry Jack's eating a Whopper. I think our lives are going on different directions here. I don't remember that. But how are you finding married life? It's good. Yeah? It's because you're not married but you will be soon, surely.

Because you've talked about it on here. Have I? You should, yeah. Yeah, I should. Yeah. I think it's fun. I don't really talk about it on stage apart from saying my wife. But I don't say, oh, this is when you're married and blah, blah, blah.

I think that's – That's a pretty cool thing for you to say being as young as you are. You say my wife and it's not like, oh, the wife. It's like, oh, cool. You're one of those young guys that gets married. Yeah, but why did someone ask me am I Christian because I'm married? I'm like, no. I'm just married.

I don't know any young people that are married. None of my friends are married I don't think. Oh, really? Yeah. A few of mine get – I'm going to I'm just married. I don't know any young people that are married. None of my friends are married, I don't think. Oh, really? Yeah. A few of mine are getting... I'm going to a wedding this week. Right. Yeah.

And so, yeah, being married, there's no change really in being married apart from the pressure's off a bit. Like, that's it. Like, because I used to go, even with my exes, I used to think, as long as I don't cheat on them, they won't break up with me. No thinking of, you know, I might just be a real dickhead to them or they might just stop loving me. But with a wife, it's like, okay, well, we're committed.

And the only thing is I get a bit more, and this is really stupid. This is really kind of almost sexist even though. Here we go, strapping. But when I'm around. Here comes the promo. When I'm around female friends and it's just the two of them, I feel a bit weird. I feel, oh, I shouldn't be doing this.

I should be. Oh, really? Yeah, and I know that's ridiculous because I've got a lot of female friends but it's just like, oh, this is a bit weird. What if she jumps me and starts polishing me and then walks in? Shining like a national guitar. Yeah, and that's it. That's the only difference.

And also you get a bit more boring and I don't go out because I think, what's the point? I'm married. I don't need to go out to pony at three in the morning and sit on their shitty toilets. Is that all you do when you go to pony? Straight into the daddy. Yeah, the best. morning and sit on their shitty toilets. Is that all you do when you go to pony? Yeah. Straight into the daddy.

Yeah, the best. All the rock royalty have sat on those toilets at my stage. Well, yeah, yeah. So what about your missus? Does she have like girls' night out? Do you? Yeah, she, yeah, because I'm out a lot at night doing gigs. Yeah, well, that's a good question.

Okay, because I've moved in with my girlfriend six months ago and she's not loving the amount of times I go out to go to gigs. How does your missus like that? She calls herself a comedy widow in those times. Like for the month of the festival, she's like, all right, well, I won't see you for a month until you come in, wake me up at like two in the morning and then I'll get up and have to go to work at 6.30 in the morning. And so we've got four and a half hours of me snoring next to her.

So she loves that part. But this year it will be different because I'm having a baby. Yes. So I'll be home. My show finishes at 8, so I'll drive straight home. Mate, come out and have a few. Come out and have a few, mate. I'll come to the Vic for one.

That's it all there, yeah. Just for one. I'm on the piece. Just for one. And because you were telling me that the due date is around... A week after. But you're going to be on standby during your show. Yeah, I'll have to have my phone on me on vibrate, and if it rings and it's

my wife, well, sorry guys, I'm going to go and... Really? Put the cake down and off. It's so funny though, like, a lot of comics have been like, but what are you going to do? It's my wife. Well, sorry, guys. Really? Put the cake down and off. It's so funny, though. A lot of comics have been like, but what are you going to do? It's your show. It's like, it's my kid. Yeah. Oh, do a show in front of, like, 40 people who have come,

or go and see the birth of my first child. Oh, I think I know what I'm going to do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, what if your phone rings and it's me going, come on, 50 bucks? Because now that I know you're going to be leaving your phone on, I think that's going to happen. I know what you're going to do.

You're going to take some tips from your mentor, Rod Quantock, get your 40 people, bring them into the delivery room. Get the rubber chicken out. Oh, please do that. Okay. Come, everyone, for a tour of me wife. Yeah. Came for the comedy, stayed for the vagina.

What? Came for the comedy, stayed for the vagina. What? What if there's a situation wherein it happens kind of earlier in the day and you're in the delivery room and the baby's been born and there's just enough time to nick off and make the show? Oh. No, not the first. I'll do the second night, but not the first night.

Okay. Because someone's got to drive. What if the age you're in that night, though? Oh, no, I's got to drive. What if the age you're in that night, though? Oh, no, I've got to go. I'm getting chortled tonight. So what kind of dad do you reckon you'll be? Hopefully a good one. How crap would it be if I'm a really shit dad?

That would be awful. Yeah, the worst way to find out. No, I think I'll be a, I don't know. I used to work with kids. I'm pretty cool around kids, I think. I think I'll be pretty strict, though. I think I'll be a – I don't know. I used to work with kids. I'm pretty cool around kids, I think. I think I'll be pretty strict, though. I think I'll be a strict dad. Not one of the – we've discussed we're not going to take our kid to cafes.

Oh, yeah. Good, good. Flights? Flights. Well, you kind of have to on flights if you're going somewhere. Like, oh, sorry, my child's streaming in your two hours to Queensland. Oh, no. Yeah, mate, I'm trying to be hungover over here.

Oh, I'm trying to watch Mad Men on my computer, you fucking insensitive dickhead. No, but sometimes. Don't pretend that every time you've been on a flight and there's been a kid crying that you've been sitting there going, oh, well, it'll be my turn one day. No, I have actually. I wish that kid was mine.

My best friend, Justin Hayswood, I've actually had a fight with him on a flight because he complained about a baby crying one day. And I said, it's a baby. Like, it's crying. What do you want the parents to do? It's not like they're coming on going, we'll pinch it and make it cry. Like, they're freaking out themselves. And he's like, oh, yeah, but I haven't slept in a while.

And then he got a tuna sandwich on a flight. Oh, that's... Which is a tuna sandwich on a flight. Which is a lot worse, I think. That is pretty bad. How long's the flight, though? That was a flight to Sydney, so an hour and a half from Melbourne. Why are you bringing your own food on a flight to Sydney? Virgin. It's like when people get the shits when they get a Tiger flight

and they're like, bullshit, man, you've got to pay for your food. You're like, it's an hour. They paid you to take this flight. How are they going to afford food? I love how Tiger has just got everyone's expectations about flying now way low. I remember complaining that you don't even get a ticket. It's just like a docket. What is with that?

And now it's like, oh, we're in a cage. I don't care. But it's also, I remember when Jetstar sort of being the first budget airline, how it was kind of like flying Jetstar was like kind of the real sort of povo option. Yeah. And you'd almost be a bit ashamed. But now with Tiger being as shit as it is, it's like if you're flying Jetstar, it's like, ooh, fancy.

Yeah, Tiger's like the pirate version of a DVD. Yeah. Do you reckon any comics ever talked about flights and air travel before? Do you reckon this podcast is breaking barriers? Well, we've talked about the difference between men and women. So we just went on to the earth. I was about to talk about my kid. Because I was asking you.

Hang on, hang on. Now, what I wanted to talk about was reality TV shows. Where's the weirdest place you've ever had sex? You, are you pre-writing child material? I'm not. No, I'm not pre-writing. I've got some stuff. Have you got a show title for next year?

Yeah, it's called Josh Earl Crazy Dad. Shit dad. Shit dad question mark. The poster of me just holding a whole bunch of kids looking bamboozled. Well, folks, that brings us to the end of the little dum-dum club for another week. Josh, what have you got coming up that you can let people in on? Brisbane Comedy Festival starts in early March for two weeks, and then my show in the Comedy Festival,

Josh Bell's Love Songs and Dedications. Oh, yeah, get on board. Thanks very much for coming in, man. That's right. Great to have you on board. That's it for another week from us. Tune in next time on the Little Dum Dum Club. We'll see you then.

See you, mate. See you, mate. See you, mate.