The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 22 - Dave Callan

Episode Date: March 22, 2011

Single Ladies, Fanta and Dream Journals.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey mates, welcome once again to another edition of the Little Dum Dum Club. My name is Tommy Dasolo, sitting opposite me my co-host Carl Chandler. G'day dickhead. Yeah, how you doing there buddy? Yeah, I'm alright. Yeah, we're in here with barely any equipment. This studio has just been pillaged week after week of all of its resources. Our balsa wood desk is covered in coffee.

We're recording this show on a Milo tin with a bit of string in it at this point. In a gypsy's caravan. Yeah. Hey, thanks for listening. You might be listening to us on Barry Digital Radio, so thanks for tuning in if you are. If you like the show, get on iTunes and leave us some reviews. We've had some nice feedback from people. Any that aren't insulting you?

No, none. That's the weird thing. People like this show But they like hanging shit on me Thanks to the person on iTunes Who called me a dickwhacker That was good They're my people

I think I've moulded their audience I think you really have Yeah, yeah, yeah And thanks also to the person Who sent me a Twitter Telling me that I have An amazingly high-pitched voice Which the thing that

That person doesn't realise Is that I'm in my own head All the time Like I know I'm not rapped about it If I could get some I know. You know, I'm not rapt about it. If I could get some EQ surgery shit on this thing, I would take care of it in a second. But, you know, I've got what I've got and that's just it. I think we've got a lot of Team Chandler, which I'm liking.

Yeah. We should do T-shirts, Team Chandler and Team Dasselot. Well, T-shirt. Hey, also, quick plug up the front because I've got suspicions that it's pointless doing the plugs at the end because no one's listening in that far. Comedy Festival shows are now on sale. Mine is called Tommy Daslow Buck Wild. Carl's is called Carl Chandler Jokes in 140 Characters.

Get on to comedyfestival.com.au if you want to come see us. And also, breaking scoop, we are going to be doing a live episode of The Little Dumb Dumb Club Sunday, April 10. So put that in your diaries. We'll have guests and there'll be heaps of fun and there'll be more info about that forthcoming. Come and insult Daslo live in version. Yeah, please.

Show yourself. Bring banners. Bring your favorite Daslo all-sop insult to the live Dumb Dumb Club recording. I actually kind of really enjoy that. I think if an insult is, I'm kind of viewing it as like it's fun insulting, like someone calling you a dickwhacker and hanging shit, it's just silly enough for me to not be hurt by it. Do you know what I mean?

If it's just someone going, fuck you, it kind of hurts. But being called a dickwhacker is like, you know, if they're talking about you. Leaving little snide things on the internet is one thing, but coming up and just spitting in Datsly's face is probably another, so don't do that. Just bring a banner. Yeah, bring a banner.

Just spend a lot of time making a banner telling me how much you hate me, and that'll really make me feel good about myself. And let me have the banner for every time we record a podcast from then on. You're just going to do your own banners. Yeah, I will. You're just going to start tomorrow. And hand them out. Yeah.

Okay, let's get into it now that the housekeeping's out of the way. Our guest today is one of the finest comedians in the land. You may know him from his work on Rove or on Triple J. Very excited to have him in here. It's Dave Callen. Do I just talk into this thing? You just talk into that microphone. Do you know what?

I've been looking around at your thing that you laughingly call a radio studio. Sorry, but I've come from the ABC where everything is not that flash. But this place, do you pay much money for this? No. Well, the thing is we're meant to mention where we're recording and for them letting us. But now that you've bagged them out, we'll just not say where it is. This is a condemned school portable.

You know what? This is probably only slightly better a studio than the number one commercial radio station in Darfur. Like Burma FM would have a slightly better studio. Yeah, this is – But not by much.

Well, I mean, we were going to be in a position where you were going to bring an entourage in with you to hang out while we recorded this podcast. Thank God the showbiz kind of razzle-dazzle would have come tumbling down. Yeah, it would have really. Your whole game would have been off. They would have taken one look in the studio and gone, oh, maybe you should delete all of us off Facebook. There's going to be four attractive girls,

and I think they would have been sitting on the bin over there. There's not really a lot of room. It needs to be pimped. Someone needs to pimp their studio. Yeah, well, four girls would have done it. Yeah, they would have. That literally would have pimped it. This could have been like part podcast recording and part home renovation show well let's let's talk

about your entourage 50% of which are your your you've got backing dancers now you stand up I just saw you do a gig do you want to talk about this or is this gonna ruin the surprise for people that for people that are coming to see you in the future? We just saw you do a gig and you closed your set performing the Beyonce dance to the song Single Ladies. Yeah. With two lovely ladies doing backup dancing for you. That's what happened. Yeah.

Yeah. So how did that come about? Was there anything more to it other than just wanting to do the dance? It started on the Comedy Festival Roadshow last July. I was in Darwin, and it was very muggy and very oppressive heat, and I thought, I can't go out for a jog, but I really wanted to keep fit before my show because it always made me a bit sharper. And so I wanted to do some exercise.

And just that song was on YouTube, and I've always wanted to learn it. I just thought it's a very distinctive dance. And so I started learning it by myself. And then I went out to Andy McClellan's finishing school, which I recommend for a night out. And I met up with people who like doing silly dancing like I do. And that song came on and one of them was a Bollywood teacher. Oh, yeah. And she teaches dancing and she was like, I know this entire dance.

We've learned it before. And I went, well, do you want to maybe make some plans to do this in a dance studio, get it all like movement perfect and then hit the stage with it sometime? Hit the circuit. Just to randomly – she was into flash mobbing and so I thought she'd be up for it. And she was and then she got a friend to thought she'd be up for it and she was and then she got a friend to be the other person because in the video

there's three. Right, yeah. And so we're doing it everywhere now. We can't stop because we really enjoy it. It's great to watch. I thought when you started

that story and you said it started in Darwin on Roadshow, I thought you were going to say you performed it for the first time on stage in Darwin and I was thinking

probably not the place to tape you dancing to Beyonce. If you're on Roadshow you would have just got, I don't know, Fiona O'Loughlin to do the dancing with you? Yeah, probably Fiona O'Loughlin and Mickey D. Yeah. That would have been rather shambolic.

Yeah. Maybe you could do that during the Comedy Festival. You could have an all-star edition of it where you have like ten backup dancers. Yeah, yeah. But they'd all be shit at it. Well, these guys are actually dancers and I'm not. Yeah, you could get like Kitson and – Yeah.

Anybody with long hair and a beard would be really good. I actually – yeah. Well, sorry, because you were – so the girls that you have that we just saw do Back Up For You before, they just did a burlesque show in Adelaide as part of the Fringe. And you were appearing in that show were you yeah that's right that that's right i offered to to uh do emceeing for it and so we we chucked the dance into that as well yeah right so we closed with that so is this part of like a if comedy sort of starts to comedy is a sinking ship let's be honest yeah for all of us oh it is dancing

has always been the future for a lot of stuff. That's the thing. It was always a part of comedy before the 1960s. I think in the 40s and 50s, shows always had dancing girls, even up to the 60s, 70s, like Benny Hill and Kenny Everett. They all had dancing girls. I think it's time to bring it back. Yeah, you've gone new school vaudeville kind of gear

Yeah, I love it It's like Neil vaudeville Bring out a bit of pie in the face kind of gear Yeah, yeah Bit of racism? Yeah Oh, maybe not Like rubber bald man's head

The spinning bow tie, when's that coming back? Spinning dickie Spinning dickie If anyone could do that, Tommy DeSalo, I think it would be you If that is your real name You reckon it'd be me? I definitely think so Yeah, I do too

With the propeller on Oh, that is you, really. You reckon it would be me? I definitely think so. Yeah. I'd do hats with a propeller on it. Oh, that is a – yeah. I'd like to see someone do like hard-edge political comedy in a suit with just a hat with a propeller on it. Yeah. With an arrow going through it. Yeah. I want to break it to you guys right now. We have big plans for the single ladies dance.

We're going to like do it live but it will have a shelf life. So we want to do something which is when it's perfect uh it'll have a shelf life so we want to we want to do something which is when it's perfect and it's getting close now we're gonna we're gonna do it on youtube in like ridiculous costumes like one of them's going to be i'm going to be as darth vader and they're going to be stormtroopers and do the whole thing and then one with me is jesus and them as either mary magdalene and um and m Father Christmas. Or like, that's a great idea. Father Christmas and two elves. We'll do seasonal ones.

No, I meant Jesus and Father Christmas. Oh, that's even better. Yeah, and one of them could be the Easter Bunny. That would be brilliant. Yeah, so it's educational too. Yeah. So this is going to be a series. Yeah, it teaches kids about religion.

And maybe Krishna. Krishna, Buddha, and Jesus. Yeah. All doing it together. Oh, sorry. That sounded wrong. So this is going to be like a series of YouTube single ladies spoof videos. Yeah, we're going to do a zombie one as well, right,

where we're going to get somebody who can do special effects. So, like, you know, in the movements, like, occasionally there's, like, the bit that goes, now you want to. Don't act it out for us. That's probably no point because you can't see. The bit where they dip and like the person's going to edit a head falling off and rolling away. Yeah, good. So all the dancers are losing their limbs as the dance proceeds and then at the end we're all just stumps.

Well, because you're quite well known for your, you've for many years now been very well known for your thriller dancing. Oh, yeah. And now that Single Ladies has come along, does this mean no more thriller? Have you just been waiting for a new kind of viral dance that you could take off? Yeah. I think the thing about- How come you missed the Lambarda in the middle?

How come I what? What? You missed the Lambarda in the middle. Like, you went from thriller to Single Ladies. There's nothing in between. There was a forbidden dance you could have riffed on. I thought you said you missed Elaine Barter. I'm like, who's Elaine Barter?

I don't remember Elaine Barter. I shouldn't have missed her. No. Yeah, I like really distinctive dances. Thriller is another good one. And I think now that I've been hanging out with people who are actually able to dance, I might be able to revisit that and then fine-tune it. Oh, yes.

Because I've got the jacket. Have you? Yeah, I've got a real Thriller jacket off of the eBay. Am I've got the jacket. Have you? Yeah, I've got a real thriller jacket off of the eBay. Am I allowed to say eBay on your podcast? Yeah, yeah. They are a sponsor. This isn't the ABC. We can say whatever we want.

Oh, that's a relaxing thing. Yeah. I've been told off when I've been on the ABC for mentioning products. Because you're not allowed to, are you? No, you're not. Absolutely not. It's all subliminal advertising. Yeah.

Which is hard because comedy is funny when it's super specific. Yes, that's right. Instead of saying I had a soft drink, I had a Fanta. Yeah. Which is hard because comedy is funny when it's super specific. Yes, that's right. Instead of saying, I had a soft drink, I had a Fanta. Yeah. It's funnier. And then you get a rap on the knuckles because they think you've got bloody Fanta in your back pocket. It's a sweet coin. Who doesn't?

Fanta are corporate slots. They're always trying to sneak themselves onto ABC as well. Yeah, the idea that you put up. They're loitering around South Melbourne trying to get on. Yeah, they're always planting Fanta cans on the Triple J logo. The idea that you'd put up on Facebook, hey, guys, I'm going to be on Triple J with Sam Simmons tonight, listen in, and then your phone would ring

and it'd be like the VP of bloody Fanta going, look, we saw your Facebook status, come around now, what do you reckon, just a laundry bag with a big dollar sign on it. You know what would be really good when you're talking on the radio? A bit of sickly, sugary orange juice. Carbonated. That makes you do weird burps up your nose. Yeah, that's like really nice for the first third of the can,

and then you go, why did I buy this? Yeah, I had that exact dilemma on the way in here. Really? This is gross. You never want 375 mils worth of Fanta. Yeah, that's right. No, you don't. I think most junk food is like that.

The first bite of a Mars is fantastic, and then the rest of it is like, oh, wow. It's just too much dense energy in a food for you. But the idea of a bite is lovely. But then you eat the whole thing whether you want it or not. Yeah. It's like mud cake or something. If you go to a restaurant and you have those $8 bloody bits of cake for dessert,

but it'll be something really rich but they'll cut it really thin and you get it and you're really pissed off. Yeah. And then you eat half of it and go, that'll do. Yes. You're like, oh, you knew better, restaurant. You've probably done this before. And I like the way slices of cake are created like a wedge.

So you just have like the tiny kind of like the nice bit first, the thin edge of the wedge. And then you've got this whole big, it just gets wider and wider as you go along and you become more sick of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe I'll eat cake backwards. And then you've got a big wedge of icing to eat at the end. You go, oh, that's just like raw sugar I'm rubbing in my gums. How do you go again? Oh, yeah.

Yeah. I have a problem where – it's not a problem. I don't drink coffee. I just never got onto it. So my kind of morning pickup is a can of Coke or Diet Coke. Oh, yeah. And we worked in an office for a little bit together, Carl, and you were fascinating because at 10 a.m. I'd go down to – I'd be half asleep and I'd need a bit of Coke or Diet Coke. Oh, yeah. And we worked in an office for a little bit together, Carl, and you were fascinated because at 10 a.m. I'd go down to,

I'd be half asleep and I'd need a bit of caffeine. And Carl was just fascinated by going, how can you be putting essentially acid into your body at 10 in the morning? And it's that same thing where you have a couple of sips and you get a bit of a jolt and then you just say going, oh, I've got to keep putting this into me because I've bought it and it's there and it's no good. That's what I think of Coke especially.

The longer I've gone on, the more I go, it's just acid water. The more you think about it, you go, acid. When you're drinking it, it's nothing. It's not like, oh, this is like banana or this is like orange. What's Coke like? Acid. Yeah, they need to bring it out in those little shots. You know how you can buy alcohol in the little shot cups?

There's certain brands of alcohol. Oh, yeah. They need to bring out just a shot of Coke. I think you're right. I think all that kind of like the chemicals that they put in there just can't be good. And like what it does to a tooth, what it does to a coin when you put them in a jar. And, you know, I'll tell you this. Even if you're addicted to Diet Coke or Coke.

Which I am. Oh, you are. I am. I've tried to get off it. And it doesn't matter How many of those things I read where it says This will give you brain damage This will rot your heart

I just I I can't I was the same And so I got to New Year's Eve And I just made a New Year's resolution Not to drink it anymore And I did that this year

And I haven't touched it Really And here's the thing I've done this before And I've made it to this point And I've gone I've been tired or whatever And I've gone I'll just have a Diet Coke.

And the first Diet Coke or Coke you have tastes horrible. Oh, okay. So your body just goes, what the hell is this? But then it's also addictive. So your body craves it then as well. So just distance. That's all you need. So you're off the soft drink. Yeah. What do you drink? Every time I see see you you've given up something else right i do i give up stuff every new year's eve uh i drink soda water if i want a bit of sparkle in my party

if you're feeling naughty yeah that's that's like you're having a big night you know that i'm rocking the house because you don't drink alcohol is that right yeah right so you've given up soft drink now you know alcohol yeah what else uh i gave up uh the herbal marijuana all right i gave that up like six seven years ago but liquid you're still just guzzling it down i'm so guzzling waters of every any type of water i'll drink it okay still sparkling whatever bong water come 2012 that'll probably be on the list of giving yeah you'll just be sucking gum list of giving up. Yeah. You'll just be sucking gum leaves in 2013. Yeah, that's a good idea.

You're going to have nothing left to give up. You're going to be like this studio pillaged of all your resources. There'll be nothing left. Well, I'm thinking of giving up water. What? Because it's really bad. I'm thinking of giving up- Hey, we've got water sponsorships on the show here.

Oh, what? I'm thinking of giving up bottled water because they're charging us for tap water. You know that now. Yeah. Like in the early days, Evian was bottled in Swiss Springs on the top of mountains in Europe, apparently. But now, Mount Franklin is tap water. All of these bottles are tap water.

And I talked to a water expert last week. Hang on. Yeah. Back up. I know. A water expert last week. Hang on. Yeah. Back up. I know. A water expert. Where was he? Where did you meet him?

I met him in a place called Kenaiva. Do you know where Kenaiva is? Yeah, it's like a country town. Yeah, it's in between Adelaide and Melbourne. It's like halfway. I drove from Adelaide to Melbourne with a friend who wanted some company. So we stayed overnight in K Caniva to break up the journey And this guy worked at

The Caniva Highway No the Caniva Halfway Motel Arena Is that the one with the giant koala? No it's near there Because we drove to Adelaide as well That's a spooky looking koala It doesn't look right

Well it's giant. Yeah, for a start, but it's deranged-looking. It's not the size that offends me. It's the face. It's probably just angry about how big it is. It can't hang out with any of its koala mates. Yeah. I reckon the best koala artists in the country probably aren't hanging out near Kenaiva,

so that's probably why it doesn't look that great. That doesn't make do. Near enough is good enough. So anyway, this guy, he said, don't drink the tap water in the rooms. Here is a special bottle of distilled water. And he was very into water. I've never met anybody who's so particular. And he was going, there was some sort of rating.

I don't know. I think it might have been pH. But he said the rating of the water in Melbourne is okay. It's 44 PP or something like that. And I was like in Melbourne is okay. It's 44 pp or something like that. And I was like, oh, okay. He says quite often he's tested a lot of waters. It's just a weird hobby of his. And he goes Mount Franklin is like 160.

Some of them are. They all vary. So the high is bad? High is bad. He said for human consumption, 150 is the line. Right. You shouldn't drink it over. And some Mount Franklin is 160.

Wow. So that's bad? Yeah. He says it's just alkaline problems or gallstones and stuff like that. Can you go to Mount Franklin? I don't think the water comes from Mount Franklin. I think that's a name. They should have a theme park up there,

but, like, it couldn't be, like, Waterworld or whatever because you couldn't go surfing on their produce, I guess. Yeah. That would be sort of weird to... Yeah. You could have a ride where you sit on a giant gallstone and ride around through a water kind of pipe. That would be funny.

That would be funny to go... Yeah, if you got charged extra, you went to some Waterworld up there and then it was sort of like, I don't know, drink all you can ride on or something. I don't know. Drink all you can ride on. I don't know. Who is this guy who's just filling in time working at the motel until his water testing

career takes off? Yeah, I know. He was so massively into water. And it's also, it's almost to the detriment of his other business that he's going, that he's telling you the tap water in this motel is a bit shit. Like, do you know what I mean? Well, it's funny. If he works in Canaver or whatever it is, like near that giant koala, I could sort of

almost see it because you're looking around going, what do I do today? What can I do around here? And you're driven to just looking at water and trying to figure out what's in it. The man's got a lot of time on his hands. Not many people stop at Caniva. There was already a koala expert there, so he couldn't do that. Yeah, yeah. He's kind of going on.

Most people are kind of stopping at Horsham. Caniva's got two motels and a bakery, and that's it. Oh, yeah, because we drove through and we went to, what was it? Oh, the Nil. We stopped at Nil on the way. That's right beside it. Yeah, because there was a big banner out the front that i was fascinated by that said uh at that time there was the nil duck and wine festival which is you know the sweet the sweet combo that's been asking to be matched together forever do they get the ducks drunk on wine well

we went into the city and well when i say city uh we went we went into the city. Well, when I say city, we went into the collection of people and buildings. Into the roundabout. Yeah. And there was like, they'd blocked off like the main street, the main whatever. And I wanted to know how they were going to have like a wine and duck festival. And what it was, was there was a couple of glasses of wine being sold somewhere. And there was one mini barbecue cooking either burger or duck, and that was their festival.

Wow. There was one burner dedicated to cooking duck burgers. That's like a weird version of chicken or fish. Yeah, burger or duck. Yeah, so I think it's over now, but yeah. Too late to give it a plug. Yeah. Next year, people.

Does Nil have a sporting team? Because I'd like to see a soccer match where they go kind of like, Beulah won, Nil, Nil. I'm pretty sure they would have heard them all by now. Yeah. That is pretty, yeah. It does look, when you go in there, it does look like a Nil. It's not a lot going on.

Nil around. Dave, you always have, I think this is the right thing to say, you've always got very attractive ladies around you. Oh. Don't you always have, I think this is the right thing to say, you've always got very attractive ladies around you. Oh. Don't you? Or don't you notice that? Is that something you don't notice?

Well, look, I don't know. I just have friends. Really? Yeah. Are you going to be like that? Oh, what am I supposed to say? Well, it's just a fact. You're supposed to say, fuck yeah, bro. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've got them coming out of me ass, mate. Fuck yeah, bro. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got them coming out of me ass, mate. So I just think you're a magnet for attractive ladies. Well, you know, I think people tend to make friendships based on mutual interests. And so I like going out and do silly dancing and I guess I like to do other things. What?

What? I don't know. What are we talking about? Yeah, so I don't know. Maybe that's just a coincidence. You've just lucked out in that you like to hang out with people who have mutual interests and you have mutual interests with a lot of attractive ladies. I basically, I make friendships and then like any, I make them go and get plastic surgery so that my friends look appealing.

You find them on the internet, find out that you can talk to them alright and then just get their bloody head sorted out. Yeah, get the facial problems rectified. And the other ones you just keep chatting to on the internet so you don't have to look at them. No webcams.

One of those burlesque dances we just saw used to be a 59-year-old Dominican man. That's right. I'm very proud of how far Pablo's come. Now, can I ask this? Because I don't know whether this is something that I'm allowed to ask or whether it's even true or not, but when you say all this stuff about giving up things, is sex a thing that you've given up? Well, that's a really interesting question.

Thank you. Sex isn't bad. Like, sex is good, but I have this very strong belief that sex without love is a little bit damaging, which is controversial. I think sex without love can be destructive, and I think it can cause issues. Right. And so is this something that you have learnt, or is this just a belief that you have or is this come about because of something or is that just a belief that you've always had? It's something I've kind of figured out over time but it's something that is also backed up in kind of spiritual traditions. Yeah, right. Because I sort of think if you're like that and you've always got these very, very attractive, let's be honest, very attractive ladies all around you. I'll pass that along.

Yeah. They'll be delighted with the compliment. With the very, verys. So does that effectively sort of make you a vagina tease in some way? Because you're hanging out with all these hot chicks and they're obviously enchanted with you and you're like, can't have it, ladies. Sorry. Sorry about that.

Wow. I feel like maybe I'm redressing the balance there a little bit. Yeah. You're the one person in this public country. You are such a Charlotte. Who's Charlotte? From Sex and the City. Oh.

Oh, look. So you've even given up Sex and the City. Yeah. I never took it up. No, he's not in love with it. Fair enough. If you're in love with it, don't watch it. That's a good point.

Yeah, no, look, I think people get themselves into trouble and people make ill-informed decisions, especially, again, while drunk, about sexual hookups. And I think that, yeah, it can really kind of distort things for you a little bit. I'm not sure. I mean, sex is a little bit of a mystery to people. I don't think we really truly as a human race understand what it is. I think maybe in history we maybe had more of a grip on what it is.

And, you know, it can be used to create life and it can be used to kind of fuse and bond you to a person. used to create life and it can be used to kind of fuse and bond you to a person and i think that it's become a little bit like fast food in the modern era it is such a weird thing in it i've definitely been in situations where i'm in the middle of something going this is great but you know what i'm pretty sure this is no good yeah it's very weird to be on those different levels at the same time going this is amazing yet i reckon in two minutes this is going to be the opposite of amazing. That very much, yeah, yeah. It is something that everyone's chasing. It's a weird bag of chemicals going on in your head.

Yeah, and do we understand it? But it's like a weird thing where, yeah, you sort of want to get it and then you get it. No one knows what they're doing. Like, really, even someone who thinks that they're good, like, do you, you know? It's a bit like you can a Fanta. You get that third way through it and go, this is great, and then the second third isn't're good. Like, do you, you know? It's a bit like a can of Fanta. You get that third way through it and go, this is great, and then the second third isn't as good. You're right, Carl.

It is just like a delicious, refreshing can of Fanta. Let's all pop out for one right now. Oh, I want to have some dirty Fanta right now. I want to have a wholesome, fulfilling Fanta. I want to have some Fanta with some of your dancers. If you're not going to have Fanta with them, I'll have a slab with them.

Oh, no, this is the whole comedy festival. I'm just going to be like trying to fend off would-be maniacs. Yeah. I think from,

you know. That's going to be a show in and of itself. Yeah, probably. I was just going to say this, I don't know if this is funny or not,

but, you know, on the show before I have talked about my girlfriend, about things she said to me uh this is something that she said to me today that she'll be loving me saying now i've talked about what she said before sort of unconsciously or sub not subconsciously unconsciously where she's been concentrating on something else and she'll just let her mouth go uh we were talking about the gig because we've all just come from a gig. We were at a gig tonight at Softbelly.

Dave Callum was on at Softbelly tonight. And I was talking to my girlfriend this morning while she was reading a book. And I said, oh, yeah, there should be a lot of people there tonight. And she goes, oh, yeah, who goes to that gig? And I go, oh, just, you know, regulars. Regular people go there. Like, we've got a bunch of regulars. And she's, like, still reading this book, regulars. Regular people go there. Like, we've got a bunch of regulars. And she's, like, still reading this book, and she didn't even look up and went,

yeah, regular dickheads, why don't you love me? Whoa. That's what she said. And I was like, and I just started laughing. And then it was like waking up someone from a trance. And I went, what? And she goes, oh, yeah, I don't know. Hang on.

Was she asleep or was she reading? No, she was reading. Yeah, right. Wow. Must have been a hell of a book. To be honest, we say it wasn't like some drama or something. We say a lot of stuff without meaning it as punctuation, stuff like that. She would say, hey, what are you doing over there? I love you.

Right. So I think that was what she meant by like, why don't you love me? She's like, why aren't you over here hugging me right now? Why don't you give me all of your attention? But I just thought, that is beautiful written down. Who goes to your gig? I don't know, regular people? Yeah, regular dickheads, why don't you love me?

And you should just say, because you're not a regular dickhead. Yeah, yeah. You're an irregular one. It was like waking up from a trance at the end. I was like, do you know what you just said? And she's like, I don't know. What do you think I said? I'm like, I don't know, but it's going on the show.

And she's like, you arsehole. It's like you'd hypnotized it. Yeah. That's funny. Maybe you could win her back with Fanta. She'll be copying a 1.25 litre bottle tonight. Get a 2002 vintage. Dave, I wanted to ask you about this.

We had Peter Hellyer in here a few weeks ago. Oh, yes. Your previous castmate on Rove on Channel 9. And you were on the Channel 10 version as well. Yeah, for a season, yeah. Yep, yep. He was regaling us with some stories of the early days of of rove the show um and he was telling us you had a sketch once where you had peter russell clark come on and i

think the sketch was going to be that he was doing a life uh like a nude modeling thing and he was bang up for it he was ready and the story as hel tells it, is that you were waiting for him to turn up and you thought you'd do a few lewd drawings of Peter Russell Clarke just to kill time. And then he turned up and saw the drawings that you had done, cracked the shits and stormed out. Oh, my God. I actually never heard that story. What? This was back in your drinking days, back when you were drinking soft drink.

No, no, no. Oh, yes, maybe. But... Well, the sugar's blocked out that memory. I heard he'd cracked the shits and left, but I didn't know why. Oh, they kept it from you. And I don't remember doing lewd pictures, but it wouldn't surprise me if I did. Did I do

them on a blackboard, like on a whiteboard, maybe? I think it was like life drawing, so it would be on an easel. Yeah, I that yeah you just maybe you're mucking around with one of the props it's funny that i'm now answering questions about something that you've done that i wasn't present for i remember the being like uh a massive like like between all of us i heard there was a massive something but i heard that you drew it no we were like all this sort of like, where's the cheese? Is that what he says? He says, where's the cheese?

And somebody did a cartoon of him saying, where's the cheese? It might have been me. Rolf is a cartoonist as well, so we may have all been drawing pictures. Boners, I'm not sure about. I'm not sure if anybody drew him naked with a boner, but also that would be highly likely. That's a shame he... He hates you, yes.

He hates me. It's softened by the fact that this was like 12 years ago. Well, I still want to have a cage match. Maybe he's one of the crazies calling up your Triple J show every week just to get revenge. Oh, doing characters. He's doing his characters just to get back at you. That wouldn't surprise me.

That would be a good revenge. That would be a great revenge. Has there ever been a character ring up that's called himself fuck I hate you Dave Cowan for drawing a tiny bone on me? Because that would be a giveaway. Because that would be the giveaway. Yeah, there has. Oh, okay.

Well, that all makes sense. That's what he was signing off with. I heard a story about, and it's been a while since I've heard this, so I might get it wrong, that you and Rove lived together at one point in Perth. Is that correct? No, no, we lived together in Melbourne for two years, between 1999 and 2001. The story that I heard was that Rove came home one day and found a trail of M&Ms at the front door

leading through the house into a bedroom towards you lying naked on a bed. With Peter Russell Clark on top of you. With a pile of M&Ms on your junk. Is that story in any way accurate? I am not going to confirm or deny that story whatsoever. That's great. Where did you hear this? I can't even remember where I heard it. It was years ago that I heard it, but that's like

one of those great showbiz legends about you and Rove that's going around. We're going to have so many deals off this show now. Fanta, M&M's, all really positive recommendations of the product. Dave's cock, Peter Russell Clark's cock is going to be at us for some sweet endorsement. Yeah, definitely.

Cheese. The cheese board. Yeah. There's the cheese. There's the cheese. Burlesque. Yeah. That company.

Ducks and wine. Yep. And then Franklin, maybe not. Yeah. Just lots of nouns. You know what it's turned into? It's turned into a bit like the circle where we just talk for about a minute and then suddenly we're thrown into like infomercials. We should just start trotting people in here to sell mops and biscuits and stuff.

Oh, I watched one of them the other day and I loved it because they showed people from an angle where you can see that they're clearly supposed to be talking to each other where it's like, Moira, is this product really, will it really soak up all the Fanta that I've spilled on the ground? And then Moira's like, yes, Ted, of course it will. It's whatever. But they showed it from an angle where you clearly see they are looking three feet to the side of each other.

Right, right. I was like, what are you doing that for? Why would you pick that angle? It looks ridiculous. My favorite things on those infomercials are when they have any kind of exercise equipment and they've got the poor, well, not poor because they'd be getting paid, but the people who have to model the equipment and just have to stand there got the poor, well, not poor because they'd be getting paid, but the people who have to model the equipment and just have to stand there on the trainer just doing the movement,

doing the back and forth kind of hip slide or whatever it is, just looking stupid for five minutes. Yeah. Greening at the camera like a fuckhead. Those cross trainers are ridiculous with the sticks that you pump back and forward while you're striding along like that. I used to hate them until I kind of figured out that if you kind of close your eyes so that it's a little bit blurry, you kind of feel like you're driving a giant robot.

It was like, hey, base, this is calendar base. I'll be there in 400 kilojoules. I used to do that when I was driving home at night, like late night gigs in the country or especially when you drive along a road and I'd trick myself into thinking that the blue bitumen was like, it was water and I was in a jet boat and all the grass on either side was like the reeds and I was just driving a jet boat home. You sound, that's the talk of a crazy person. Yeah.

Yeah. Why don't you just calm down and have a Fanta? Not while I'm driving. A nice refreshing Fanta. God, pull over and have a Fanta. Not while I'm driving. A nice refreshing Fanta. Pull over and have a Fanta maybe. Delicious. Yeah. Are we all going to go out and get a Fanta after this?

I'm feeling like it. Yeah. I've got a friend who's mad for oat bars by the particular brand. I know. So you can't find anywhere in Melbourne. And we were going around trying to find them. And every shop we went to didn't have them. And then by the time we found them, it was such a major mission,

and it was so kind of almost like Leo DiCaprio kind of incepted in my mind. I had to have one as well. Yeah. And was it a good oat bar? Yeah, but it was kind of just an oat bar. Have you given them up now after that? Pretty much. Half an hour ago. What year was that that? Pretty much. Half an hour ago.

What year was that? Oh, no, half an hour ago. What is the next thing you're going to give up? All right. Next thing I'm going to give up is probably sugar. Sugar? Yeah. Fuck.

What are you going to have in your life by the time you turn 60? Nothing. Nothing. Then you'll have to give up nothing. I'll be a vegetarian. You'll have to have something. Yeah. I'll probably be giving up life when i'm 60. i'm gonna give up smiling no more smiling you're gonna have to take start taking up something at some point oh yeah take

up things i think when you work on your uh your flaws i think you gain virtues that's what i think okay and not that not that you know sugar is a flaw technically, but I think we can always be looking at how we behave and our negativity. One really good exercise I like to do at the end of the day is a retrospection. So you lie in bed and you relax your body and then you try and look at your day that you've just had as if it's a movie in the third-person perspective. So you did like a Jerry Springer at the end of the episode. Yeah, that's right.

What we've learned. Dave Callen's final thought. Final thought for the day before I rock off to sleep. And you kind of look at either your day in reverse, which is my new favorite way to go, or you can look at it from the beginning, like I get out of bed, go downstairs, I've got to grab my bowl, grab my cereal,

go to the bus stop, car pulls up, Rebecca Black. So anyway, you just do that. You look at your day as if it's a movie. And what you do is you begin to notice the bigger picture of what your behavior is like and how it's affecting other people and the little ways you could have improved your day and you kind of get a good insight into how you behave and you begin to if you do it every night for a period of time see the the patterns in your behavior and how you can kind of be a better person so what do you reckon you'll have on the on the list tonight i'll probably look at me eating too much for lunch probably the the company you keep at night this in particular i'll be like all right that's pretty good could have been more burlesque dancers in here but yeah yeah i think they went

and got a cup of tea um but um you begin to see like how maybe things you do create uh problems for yourself or other people they're the main things to look out for. So you want to be hard because for me, every morning would start 10 a.m. with a big glass of Coke. Oh, yeah. Every night reflecting, oh, fuck, again, again. It'd be no good. Diet Coke?

Yeah. You've got to keep that figure somehow. I'd be like I was thinking about what you were saying, I might do that tonight. And I don't think I left the house today. I think that would just depress me if I sort of looked into it too much. Yeah, I don't like that either. I'll have full days where I leave the house at 6 o'clock and go,

oh, that looks like the sun would have been good today. Yeah. But, yep. Yeah, I think you've got to be – you've got to, on a base level, be pretty comfortable with how your life is travelling at the point that you're at otherwise. I guess that's the point of doing it. Once you reflect on what you're doing, you sort of want to change it. Yeah, that's true.

My big danger that I absolutely had to give up and I've relapsed a few times is video games. Oh, really? It's such a waste and I can just get absorbed into them really easily. I've never... It's like coffee or drugs or whatever for me I've got no interest Oh, that's great

I've got enough things to procrastinate with I wish I felt the same about Twitter and Facebook Oh, sure If you're friends with me You're a good chance of If you pick any hour of the day You're a good chance of logging in and seeing me in the chat option there Yeah, there you go I should be putting that on my thoughts for the day At the end of the day Have you're a good chance of logging in and seeing me in the chat option there. Yeah, there you go.

I should be putting that on my thoughts for the day at the end of the day. Right. Have a think about what I'm doing. Your little retrospection. Yeah. What I like about the retrospection thing, if you're actively working on improving yourself and you're actively doing a remembrance of the whole day, before you fall asleep, what you'll find is when you wake up, you'll remember all of your dreams.

Oh, really? Because you're training your mind to... Yeah, I heard this once. I don't know if I've talked about this before, but someone told me that once about when you get up and you have a dream and you know that thing where you lie there and go, that was a great dream, and as soon as you look at something else, you forget it. Someone told me if you train yourself to get up,

as soon as you've had a dream, write it all down. Yeah. It trains your brain and the next day you remember your dream so much easily. That's right. You've got to keep a dream journal. Yeah. So I did that except it was taking me two hours every morning to go. Whoa.

And then I changed into a bird and then I flew and shot lasers at George Washington and then George Washington turned into my mum who was a cat, you know, and that felt natural. Yeah, that's all very symbolic, my friend. Yeah, and it was like, it took me so long to write all this stuff down that I was like, oh, I don't really need to have all this stuff transcribed. Yeah. But yeah, it took, I was struck by how long

it takes you to write down your dreams. It was full on, it was taking me 90 minutes to write everything down. Oh wow, that's fantastic. Yeah, but I guess I didn't have a computer, so that could be sped up now. Using a little quill. It was, yeah. I was using a penny farthing to write everything down. Oh, wow, that's fantastic. Yeah, but I guess I didn't have a computer, so that could be sped up now. Using a little quill. I was, yeah.

I was using a penny farthing to write this. I don't know how. I was dipping it in ink. And then writing around. Giant letters. A giant canvas. You can, yeah, if you keep a dream journal, it's really good to retrospect over that as well,

like read back over the dreams and see patterns emerging in those as well. dreams are very very symbolic are they yeah and it's either because some people believe it's all subconscious gobbledygook other people believe that there is a language a hidden language of dreams and these messages are from our you know our inner being if you want to get kind of religious or spiritual about it, and they're being sent to us to register and help us understand our lives. Yeah, I don't know. I met it with a cat in my dream a couple of weeks ago, so I don't know what that means.

Hang on, made out with? Yeah. Like a cat cat or someone dressed up as a cat? I think it was a person and then it was a cat. Fat cat. Yeah. Three things. Well, he didn't say no.

Cats can sometimes symbolize sex. They can also symbolize enemies or maybe you're just a person who wants to have sex with a cat. I'm going for C. C. Sex with your enemy cat. Yeah. Like a cat that you hate. Yeah.

Because you go and have sex with it. Yeah, that's like bestiality. There's homework for you before the next episode, Carl. Have sex with a cat, Carl. Right. Make my dreams come true. Well, guys, that brings us to the end of... I'd like to have sex with a giant cat, like a lion.

I think this podcast was... This is the end of the podcast. I think we were always going to get here at the end, having sex with cats. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is the trigger for me to wind it all up. Guys, that brings us to the end for another week. Thanks so much for joining us, David Callan.

That's all right. You've got a show in the Melbourne Comedy Festival coming up. Yes. Called The Symbol for Women. Yes, that's right. It's called Women, The Symbol. Or Symbol of Venus. Yep.

Or Circle with a plus. Yep. So look that up, Dave Callan, at the Melbourne Comedy Festival. We will see you next week in the Little Dumb Dumb Club. Thanks for listening. See you, mate. See you, mate. Bye, mates.