The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 23 - Bart Freebairn

Episode Date: March 29, 2011

Lonely Boy Goes To Subway, The Banksy of Dickheads and Roller Derby. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

All right, here we are. Hey, mates, welcome aboard to the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. My name is Tommy Dasolo, and sitting opposite me is my co-host, Carl Chandler. G'day, Dickhead. Hey, mate. How you doing? Yeah, I'm good. This is very exciting. We are in a professional studio doing the show for the first time ever in our new home of Austeriot. I feel like I'm part of the hot breakfast. It's great.

Yeah, every 20 years. There's a TV on in the corner. You're just watching the footy. I know. This is awesome. You've checked out 30 seconds into the show. It's good. Hey, we were talking last week about reviews of the show of people writing to us on iTunes

and stuff and predominantly slagging off me. I like how this is now an easy get on the podcast for people because we're talking about it and it must inspire everyone to go, hey, if I just get on and call Daslow a dickhead, I'm going to get a sweet mansion. Someone's actually done that on iTunes. Did you see that? Some guy went- I don't check every day like you do.

I barely know how to check that. You're busy emailing me things that people have said on Facebook that you happen to disagree with. You're busy emailing me things that people have said on Facebook that you happen to disagree with. Someone put a review on iTunes saying, Hey, I've heard that if you put a review on iTunes, you'll end up reading it out on the show, and I want to be read out on the show, so here's my review. And you know what?

I'm not falling for that. I'm not going to read your review out on the show, so suck shit. What's the review? No, go on. That's what it said. It literally just said that. I want my review to be read out on the show, so here's my review. Please read it out. Four stars. Oh, just said that. I want my review to be read out on the show, so here's my review. Please read it out. Four stars.

Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, okay. But we were talking last week about people reviewing the show positively but slagging me off. Yep. And I got a tweet this week from someone saying, Dasolo, please ask Carl to stop doing his impersonation of the Phantom Raspberry Blower

of Old London Town on the podcast. It makes him sound like a fucktard. Now, what does that mean? I don't know. They don't like you doing the, they don't answer that. Why would you not like that?

I don't know. Ask, but I love that it's been directed at me. That's like one retarded needle in a haystack. Everyone loves that. Everyone loves that. That's awesome. What's better phonetically?

What's better than a, yeah, that's true. It is a good full stop. I just like that I've become the spokesman for people wanting to... Because you're easier to talk to than me. I don't want to deal with the nasty guy. I want to deal with the little idiot. You'd be way better on Twitter if you were able to phonetically write...

That would be good. But you can't. At a lot of people. They need an emoticon for the raspberry. Well, someone needs to definitively spell it. Yeah. I think it's P-B-T-H. P-B-T-H.

Nah, I don't buy it. Nah? Alright. Well, back to the drawing board then. Yeah, someone better fix that. Do you reckon we've waffled on long enough? Nah. Alright.

I reckon we've got another six minutes in this. Alright. Let's get to it and introduce our guest for the week. He's a very good buddy of ours. He's a stand-up comedian. He's a gentleman. We're very got another six minutes in this. All right. Let's get to it and introduce our guest for the week. He's a very good buddy of ours. He's a stand-up comedian. He's a gentleman. We're very excited to have him in here. It's our good buddy, Bart Freiberg.

How you going? Here he is. You're totally our first choice for tonight. Yeah. Hey, man, you come on the podcast? Oh, fuck, I'm in the shower. Yeah, sure. I need you. Yeah, no, we were only tricking when we were asking Glenn Robbins and Lawrence Lung and

people like that. I didn't tell him that. I told him he was our first choice. No, no, no, not at all. I heard you were going to have Obama on. Yeah, you had to pull the pin at the last minute. Because you couldn't beat him in three-on-three streetball. Yeah.

He wouldn't do it. How have you been, buddy? Yeah, man, really good. Just, you know, working on my abs, eating lots of brand, lots of fiber, doing huge shits. Waiting for the call. Waiting for this call. Yeah, trying to get the shits big for Comedy Festival.

Yeah. Hey, I want to tell you guys, we've all just come from a gig. We were watching a stand-up comedy show that Carl Chandler runs on a Sunday night. And it went quite late. I hadn't had dinner and I'd nipped out during the gig to go and get a Subway, and I think I had the loneliest Subway that a person can ever experience. I turn up, and it's always awkward when you go into a place like that

and they're kind of closing up, do you know what I mean? And they're sort of just mopping the floors, and they've got to stop that and then get all the ingredients out again to make a sandwich. Yeah, you don't infuriate the Subway chefs. Yeah, exactly. They're like, I can't perform at this time of night. I've already... Sandwich artists.

Not chefs. Sandwich artists. Yeah, they work their magic. So I go there and I'm starting to order. I order my food. And the guy has to go and he washes his hands. He puts on his gloves. It takes him about two minutes to get himself sanitized.

And then he starts cutting the bread. And then his phone rings. And he just reaches in and pulls out his grubby old Nokia, still wearing the gloves, and just puts it back in his pocket, and then just keeps making my sandwich. I'm like, let's- Do you want some jalapenos with that mobile? Yeah, exactly. That's kind of made the whole sanitization thing quite irrelevant. I love that thing.

You would have seen them. I don't know whether this is a cliche or not, but that happens so much when you deal with people dealing with food, and they've got the plastic gloves on and everything, and then they go $6.95, you give them the money and they just take it in their gloves and they deal with it and then they go back and make more stuff. I'm like, no, just get rid of the gloves if you're going to do that. Don't even pretend. What they're actually trying to do is protect their hand from how dirty the food is in the

first place. Oh, right. Dirty food. The food is filthy. Dirty food. They're like, I can't fucking touch that and work here. Dirt food. I better put on some gloves.

That shit's like acid. I used to be a sandwich artist. Did you really? Yeah, it was my first job. Did you work at Subway? Really? First job, yeah. 1998 in Toowoomba.

Oh. Sandwich artist. Toowoomba. Yeah. And the Toowoomba Subway is rated as one of the top ones in the world. I think it has a chef's hat, actually. In Toowoomba it does. People are like, fucking sauteed chicken. Fucking gourmet. They have a Michelin hat, actually. In Toowoomba it does. People are like, fucking sardine chicken,

fucking gourmet. They have a Michelin star. Yeah, they had a Michelin star. Because their shit tastes like tyres, maybe. Well, tell me what you think of this, how you would have gone as a sandwich artist, this experience that I had. So he's making

my thing and he kind of, you know how they've got like in the display cabinet there, they've got the fillets and then they've got to heat them up, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I go, yeah, I'll have a fillet. He puts it in and he puts all the ingredients on top of it. And then he goes, oh, did you want that toasted? I'm like, no, I don't want the whole thing toasted.

And he's like, oh. So then he kind of has to pull the fillet out from underneath like the lettuce and the tomato and stuff. He puts it into the microwave to heat it up, and then he goes, do you want salt and pepper? I'm like, yeah, yeah. Puts salt and pepper on, and then just wraps the whole thing up, just wraps the bun up and hands it to me.

And I was like, were you going to put the chicken in that? He's like, oh, man, I'm really sorry. I was like, did I walk in on you ripping cones out the back or something? Is your point to the story that Subway isn't the most professional food outlet that you could have gone to? I just thought typical artist, like typical vague artist behaviour. Maybe he's a performance artist. Yeah, yeah.

And it was called Dickhead. The breast fillet symbolises your emotions and them being outside of you. And that's why I have them outside of you. See the bits of carrot hanging off them? That's your mother. I just hate anything where, like, when you see something going wrong with a meal and you realise that there's that point where you have to step in and go, oh, you've ruined that.

You've done it wrong. Can you do it right? If I was a subway artist doing that, I'd be like a dickhead one. And when I put it in the microwave, I'd be like, let's just send this to Japan, shall we? Let's Tokyo it up, mate. Boom. It's not often that people will say to a Subway sandwich artist,

too soon, but I think you'd be on the receiving end of that. So were you ever dropping topical bombs when you were working at Subway? Subway was like, oh, hell, I was 18. I just got, I was specifically a closer, so I'd come in A closer? Closed Really? You closed? I'd clean up that shit. Yeah. Yeah, and I'd come in and

You're headlining Subway Yeah, I'd headline Subway. Really? No one wanted to follow you Good night, just lonely people would come in, not too unlike Tommy Ah yes! Can I get a double chicken fillet? Yeah, whatever Good night. Just lonely people who come in. Not too unlike Tommy. Ah, yes. Tonight. Can I get a double chicken fillet?

Yeah, whatever. Can I get more chicken in there? I was all about the hookups. Like I'd be working, I'd be like, call my friend and be like, mate, just come in. I'll give you as much meat as I can possibly fit inside that. Yeah, that's a sad thing, isn't it? Having to pay like a dollar extra for more ham. It's like you're already packing more ham.

You're already the sort of person that a handful of ham isn't enough. And on top of that, you're having to pay more money to be a lonely fatty. Did you ever know those people that worked at McDonald's and stuff? I was going to say when you were growing up. As you're growing up now, Tom. Currently, do I know these people? Yeah, yeah. They work at McDonald's because you go, oh, McDonald's or whatever.

But when you're growing up and people are like, yeah, I work there, and it's the legend of, yeah, but when we knock off, we just make our own burgers. And they're like Voltron burgers. It's like, yeah, we take a chicken and a beef and another, and then put a thick shake in there and chips. Gary just ate 40 McNuggets in a chocolate smoothie. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

I actually know a guy who used to go to Macca's and he'd get a large thick shake and then a large chips, and he would empty the chips into the thick shake and then just pour it into his mouth, this glug of strawberry-chicken chips. While they're just doing continuous laps of the drive-through. Yeah, pretty much. Just doing donuts. But I did have a mate who would tell me that they used to do that. They used to make those Frankenstein burgers.

But he also told me, he said he can't eat there anymore and it made me not eat there for about a week. But he was saying, because it's all like, you know, 15, 16-year-old kids and whatever. And they'd all just muck around and do really gross shit out the back. He's like, dude, I don't even want to tell you the kind of stuff that we would do, but it's pretty repulsive. Because I'm one of those people that eat McDonald's sober.

Yeah, I'm the same. Yeah, I do. I do as well. I don't even drink or anything. I love that shit. I think it's, you Yeah, I'm the same. Yeah, I do. I do as well. I don't even drink or anything. I love that shit. I think it's, you know, I loved it. When you were a kid, you really loved it. Can you remember, like, really liking McDonald's when you were under 10?

Like, having a Big Mac and being like, this is where it is at. And it was a reward. It was like the classic parent reward. If you'd behave yourself on this car trip, have a Big Mac. I didn't even have McDonald's when I was a kid because I was in Maribor. So we're not big enough. We don't have a Michelin star or a fast food. Really?

Did you have anything? No, no, no. I think when I left town, we got a KFC. Oh, the Colonel. So we must have done something wrong. That would be a pretty rare occurrence, that a KFC would get in somewhere before a Mac. No, I don't think so. No, because McDonald's have got a rule where they don't come to a town

where they're not going to make a shit-ass tonne of money. And it's only 8,000. I don't even know, though. Do they, like, do a survey? Well, 8,000. How much money would you spend on this cheeseburger? Oh, 20 bucks? Put a McDonald's here.

No, I think McDonald's, I don't think they could put one because it was like, they brought a McDonald's to Maribor, the whole town would just be like, bloody out-of-towner, I brought a McDonald's to Maribor. The whole town would just be like, bloody out of towner. Let's smash you in the face, Ronald. You're looking at me silly with your face paint, you dickhead. Them nuggets don't belong around here. I'll bloody smash you, Grimace, if that is your real name.

You and your secret sauce. What's so secret about it? Yeah, why don't you be white like the rest of us, you purple freak? Piss off. Sweet and sour. They're in with the Asians. That big purple bloke looks a bit poofy. Yeah, yeah.

He's never come down out of pot with me once. Fuck this guy. That hamburger gave me prostate cancer. So the closest we had was Bendigo. So I did that. I used to have like a treat. I could bring a friend. Oh, I once brought a friend to the show, Pete Field, from last week. Oh, yeah.

Fieldsy. Fieldsy. Fieldsy. Brought him to Bendigo McDonald's. Oh. Like when I was about eight or seven or something. How long was the trip to Bendigo? Like an hour?

An hour trip. So that would have made Maccas. An hour trip specifically to go to McDonald's. To go and get some, did you get Happy Meal? What was your? Yeah, Happy Meal. Yeah. And like a big treat was the ice cream and, you know.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's become like, you know what I think the inner city equivalent of that is now is all you can eat pizza huts. Because remember they used to be in the suburbs and you've got to go like out into, I think there's one in like Mornington or something. There's one in Ballarat still. Yeah, but all the suburban ones have shut down. Yeah, I wonder, well, McDonald's do that wrong thing, I think, where they have their

little attempt at being good people and have the breakfast menu, which I hate. I hate the breakfast menu. Why? Where are the fucking hamburgers? Because I don't eat it. I just want hamburgers. It's like, if I want breakfast, I'll go somewhere proper. No, that's my favorite.

No, I hate it. Oh, no, I love it. I respect Hungry Jack so much more for going, you're all adults. If you want a cheeseburger at 7 a.m., you can have it. No, Jacko's have brekkie as well. Yeah, but you can get burgers at 100 Jacks for breakfast. Fair enough. They withhold it like your mum and dad at McDonald's.

No breakfast, sorry. Only hash. No, sorry. Just hash browns. No burgers. Honestly, how many times in your life have you been stinging for a cheeseburger at 6.30am? I would have done it. Plenty of times.

Airport. Yeah, at the airport. I've walked in thinking I'm going to have a burger and seen McMuffins and just felt disappointment. I've sat there and read the paper for half an hour waiting for the 10.30 to click over so I could get a burger. Heaps of times. Heaps of times. I used to...

I've actually put in orders and like, can you reserve that cheeseburger when it's done? I want the first cheeseburger off the ranks. You're putting it on lay-by and just paying in installments over an hour. Yeah, I want your cheeseburger cherry for the day, buddy. Thanks, bro. First cheeseburger, always the best one. When I was in high school, I got into this thing of getting, at Macca's getting the bacon and egg muffin and a hash brown.

McMuffin to me. Sorry, McMuffin. Taking off the top bit of the muffin that had the cheese on it and then sliding a hash brown in there. And it was just awesome. But then I felt like it was kind of like my little thing that I would let people in. I'd be like, you know what you do?

You put the hash brown in there. It makes it heaps better. But then they started putting that in their ads. They had a whole thing of like a kid going, look at what you do. And I was like, damn it. That was my thing. They stole your shit.

They stole my shit. They ripped me off. I never have a burger without taking off the top and taking out the gherkin thing and putting chips in. You're not a fan of the gherkin. I think that's one of the better parts of McDonald's. I put chips in in the burgers every single time and if they had the technology to put the chips in

when they're starting to make it that would be actually amazing. They're just waiting for that machine to be built. Yeah. As if they wouldn't have tried to do it. There must be something in this year, in 2011, it's not possible yet because otherwise they would do it. Still, no, they're doing it because it's physically impossible,

not because it's a hammering idea. What KFC are kind of doing, because they've got the Tower Burger, which has a hash brown in the burger. Yeah, that's different to chips. But it's getting there. It's close. It's the same principle. You know what I want to know?

You know how I get the shits with anything that's limited time only on a takeaway menu? They bring it in and it's really good and then it's gone. You start to love it and then it goes. But then they sort of do it in waves. I want to know how long has it been and when is it coming back? The shaker fries. Oh, they were good.

How long has it been? They were good. It seems like every six months they'd bring them back, which is a ridiculous thing for them to withhold because all it is is a sachet of flavouring and a bag. It's nothing. It's not a special burger. There's nothing unique about it.

How long has that been? That must have been ages. I remember that. I reckon I was nearly, yeah, I was still in school when that happened last time. Was it Cuban Missile Crisis? I remember watching I Love Lucy live and eating shaker fries. I just bought my first Model T Ford and got back from the Great War.

It was amazing. And I thought shaker fries, Ronald, you cad. Hungry Jacks is my jam at the moment. I'm a big one for my jam. Your jam. Does that mean like it's your- I'm into it. Yeah, okay. Like space jam. That's your salt? Yeah, like space jam. Does that mean like it's your... I'm into it. Yeah, okay.

Like space jam. That's your salt. Yeah, like space jam, which we don't talk about enough on this show. Space jam. I like getting it. I buy a bit of Hungry Jacks on the way home if I've been drinking, but then a few months ago it all changed

because I'd normally just get a burger, and for the first time once I went, I'm pretty hungry. I'm going to get a burger and for the first time, once I went, I'm pretty hungry. I'm going to get a burger and a wrap. And from then on, once you open that flag up, once you go, I'm going to get two burgers at a time, you can't go back. Do you know what I mean? Because now, if I'm drunk and I'm in Hungry Jack's, I start thinking, I'll just get one

and then I think to myself, literally the worst thing that could happen to you is to get halfway home and have finished your burger and still be hungry. You don't want that to happen. To be alone. Yeah. Don't be alone, Tommy. I'll be honest. I haven't listened to anything you said just then because I was thinking of this

in my head. If you mulched up Michael Jackson, not Michael Jackson, Michael Jordan, and then you spread him on your bread, you could say, that's space jam. Space jam? You know, Tommy, you're better. I'm sure whatever you said was good. I'm sure whatever you said was good.

You've just killed the podcast. You've just destroyed the show. I just clocked it. Kaboom. High score. I get a free game. That sort of behavior, Tommy, is a bit indicative of the behavior we were taking part in in Adelaide at the 24-Hour Bakery. Yes.

The old Kransky and a pie. Regular listeners of the show will be very well acquainted with the 24-Hour Bakery. We talk about it a lot. Do we? We talk about it a fair bit. We talk about it a couple of times. I talk about it a lot. I just don't remember where I talk about it.

Yeah, yeah. Sometimes there's a mic in front of me sometimes. I'm just alone on the toilet going. Why is there a microphone in my shower? Yeah, yeah. No, it's awesome. Now, that's a place that, yeah, I mean, that doesn't get talked about enough, I don't think. Like, that should be on websites and stuff.

There's three of them in Adelaide. There's three 24-hour bakeries. Definitely. We've talked about this before. There's three in Adelaide and there's none here. Yeah. We've got to start up a campaign or something to get at least one. And don't tell me that Pie Face counts because Pie Face does not count.

Is it 24-hour? No. It's open pretty late. It is open pretty late. It is open pretty late. It's got focaccias, and that just proves it's not a bakery. Well, I think we've talked about this, but we should be going to... Should we go to the Pancake Parlor after this? Oh, yes.

All right. Yeah. Should we? Where is it? Where's the 24-hour one? It's out in Doncaster. Out near Shoppo, mate. Shoppo.

Shopping Town. Fuck it. That made me laugh a lot the first time I saw a bus with that name on it. Shopping Town. Is that taking the piss? Is that bus taking first time I saw a bus with that name on it. Shopping Town. Is that taking the piss? Is that bus taking the piss? And then I found out it was real. Real.

Real as. Just to get onto Pie Face again. A friend of mine put a thing on Facebook saying- Do we sound really hungry? Yeah. Because that's all we've talked about. That's all we've talked about is food. Isn't that a really high?

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, man. A friend of mine put on Facebook that, oh, I had a pie from Pie Face last night. Yeah, it was so good. And then I wrote back going, oh, man, Pie Face is disgusting. And then someone I don't know commented on it going, I don't know who this Tommy guy is, but I hope you die. What a vicious.

When Facebook goes bad. Yeah. What a vicious retaliation Facebook goes bad. Yeah. What a vicious retaliation of someone not liking Pie Face. Yeah, you've got to be careful with another man's pie. I was like, what is he? He was stockholder or something? That's awesome. What's with the anger?

Someone's got such allegiance, like pretty short into the tenure of Pie Face. Yeah. He hasn't really been around that long, has he? Maybe he's the Pie Face. He probably overreacted about 3.14 times. Yeah. What he should have then. Yeah, exactly.

I think. Hope I die. Like pie. Oh! Yeah. That's right. Yeah. That was poor.

What about, you know, I hope you one day learn to accept that Pie Face is good. Don't wish me dead. That's pretty extreme. I hope you get cancer of the pie. So, Bartholomew, we're talking about Facebook and you're a bit of a wizard of Facebook. I love the face and the book and the combination

of the two is like sweet harmony. You're really good at Facebook. You're really good at being on it and being friends with people. I did a advanced diploma at TAFE so my digital friendship is very powerful. Yeah. I give a lot of... You couldn't get into the uni course.

I like a lot of stuff, pretty much. I like... Well, uni, it's like a bridge course, so hopefully I'll do a master's in faceology. Because you're... I mean, I think you accept everyone, don't you? Yeah. There's no one I... Oh, yeah.

That sounds nice, doesn't it? I'm very accepting. Bart accepts everyone. I accept everyone. And don't you? Yeah. There's no one I don't accept. That sounds nice, doesn't it? I'm very accepting. Bart accepts everyone. I accept everyone and I like them. Yeah. I like me accepting them. You can like when you have a friendship with someone. You can like that you've made friends with them.

Do you like them? No, I don't even know them. But I like the digital representation of them. I like that when people come and go, I'm friends with you on Facebook. I'm like, yeah, well, I don't know. I just put yes to everything. I like that when people come and go, oh, yeah, I'm friends with you on Facebook. I'm like, no. Yeah, well, I don't know. I just put yes to everything. I follow you on Twitter, so we should probably have a coffee.

You sound so elitist. Yeah. Just, oh, look at these people following us. So I've got all these followers, like 15 of them. Fuck their bitches. Yeah. So for those that don't know you, who aren't friends with you yet on Facebook, Bart, I'm going to say that you have never once said anything on there that makes any kind of sense. Pretty much everything you put involves wizards and...

Gravy ninjas. ...lasers in some way. Yeah, I'm moving into a real Fante Owl territory at the moment. Well, your big game was lolfagging people for a little while. Yeah, I lolfagged for a while, and then I got lolfag stickers and just started doing it in real life. I know. There's some in my house. Yeah, I lolfagged your house.

There's one in my shower. Yeah. And there's one in my bedroom above my door. Yeah. Which I was just praying that when we had a rent inspection that they weren't going to see that. Oh, lolfag. And then I found you've stuck some on some poles around down my street. You finally found those.

Oh, yeah. And then I noticed that the fag bit of it has been viciously kind of scraped off. Oh, that's Carlton for you. The lol part has been left. So they like laughing out loud, but they don't like men liking men. Bit of homophobic graffiti. I just want to know. You're like the Banksy of dickheads.

Yeah. You're the Banksy of nobody. Of dickheads. Yeah. You're the Banksy of nobody. Well, I just want to know what the guy, so you've got a stack of stickers made up that have the word, it's one word, lolfag.

Well, it's like two words, I think, but it exists as one entity. Yeah. What's the bloke at the sticker shop saying to you when you're walking up there? I went in and had a chat to him and he's like, what do you want? I went, can I get lol fag? 500 lol fag stickers. And he looked at me and went, what? And I went, lol fag. And he's like, how do you want them done?

And I was like, I typed it out for him. He thought it was like a Swedish metal band called Lolfage or something. Lolfageo. He is a type of nooga. So, yeah, and then he just printed them out. And I don't think he, I mean, he was obviously thinking, who the fuck is this little dickhead? But I live just around the corner from that shop.

I always go in and buy, buy like they've got blank CDs and stuff and one day I'd just come in and ask for Lolfag. He probably thinks I'm making little mixtapes. Here's me Lolfag for you. Made a little CD. Because you debuted these stickers at a party that I had at my house. Yeah. A housewarming party and you were

sticking them on people's backs. Yes. And so there was a big thing. I realised the next day in looking at photos that I'd had one on me for pretty much the whole night. The whole night. It was like you've taken the grade four kick me sign on the back of the blazer into bold, new, possibly homophobic territory. Into the digital era.

Yeah. Are you out of stickers? Have you got any left? No, I've probably got about 300 left. You put one up. I saw you put one up like a week ago. Yeah, I'm sticking them up. You were in a toilet and then I walked in after you and I saw a lolfag sticker.

Did you just put that on right then? You go, yeah. I'll make Splino. I put one up. Yeah, you're onto it. Splino. Like sticker police. Yeah.

No, I just like lolfagging people because it's immature and stupid. I'm trying to take fag back from the fags. There are people who get worked up about it. Like you've gotten yourself into trouble commenting on other people's Facebook status with lolfag and then people come in and go, who's this homophobe? And then I'll write lolfag again. It's the best response. Oh, don't talk about gays like that.

Lol, fag. So it's only a friend group. So where do you take it? What's the evolution? What's the next step? I think it's tattoos when people are sleeping. Probably. That's going to be hard.

Yeah, it'll be really hard. To drag them down to the parlor like that. Yeah. Or just have a little homemade gun. A friend of mine owns a tattoo gun. Oh, really? She bought one off eBay or something, and then she... Nothing good can come from that.

Exactly. It's a bad thing to own because she's got tattoos all over her leg because she's just been sitting there and going, I wonder what it would look like if I had a tattoo of Princess Di on my knee. You know who that is? It's a friend of the show who we haven't heard from in a little while, Macquarie Franklin Fletcher. Oh, really?

A friend of mine who likes the show but decided to add you on Facebook and just say that she doesn't think you're a funny comedian. Oh, that's right. Hey, let's be friends, Carl. Oh, by the way, you're a shit cunt. Yeah. Yeah. She's the lone Chandler bagger.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Among the tirade of- Many, yeah. Of Dassolo raggers. Yeah. Yeah. I need to start lolfagging them back. What happened to her?

I think she might have even unfriended me. I don't know. I haven't heard from her in a while. I don't know if she's... I haven't seen her for a while. I don't know if she's still listening. I guess this will be the great test, won't it? Yeah.

We'll find out pretty quickly. Just send an abusive comment to Carl or Tommy. Probably just do what your heart says, which probably means Tommy. Tommy. What about rofflefag? Rofflefag's probably... It doesn't... It's not quite as succinct. There's too many syllables in there.

Ruffle to lol. Two to one. But I think ruffle's got, it's got legs. It does have legs, yeah. I think lol by itself is pretty good. When someone says or does something that you're not sure how to respond to on the internet, if you type lol, you pretty much, you've got it. You've responded however you need to.

Yeah. The danger with it is you can get into using it in an ironic fashion, which I did for a little while, but then the line starts to blur between, am I doing this to take the piss out of people who do this, or am I just doing this? That happens with everything, though, doesn't it? If you take the piss out of it with stuff, with an ironic way of doing it, it always turns into you just doing it anyway. It's like people going, how shit is Rebecca Black?

How shit is this song here? I'm going to play it for her. It's like, well, you've listened to it 20 times. You're enjoying it on some level. You just got 40 million views and there's 70,000 likes and 700,000 dislikes on that YouTube clip. Oh, really? Yeah.

There's a lot of people hating on that bitch. I was out on Thursday night. I bought it. Really? Oh, really? Yeah. There's a lot of people hating on that bitch. I saw her. I was out on Thursday night. I bought it. Really? Did you really? Yeah. I played it tonight, and I've actually paid $1.60 for it.

So I'm part of the problem. All of her profits are going to Japan. Oh, really? Yeah, good on her. Good on her. You just made that up. No, they are. Straight to Japan.

This is like a Facebook status from you. This means nothing. This is just completely mad. No, I'm pretty sure they are. But I mean, I don't know. It's no use being a hater. You might as well get on board and see where the ship takes you, you know? If it's shit, you could have a bit of fun.

Yeah, I don't hate it. I like it in that people really hate it. And like, yeah, because I run this soft belly comedy night and I've played it two weeks in a row, like as part of the night between acts and stuff. And people either come up to me and go, why are you doing this? Or they get on Twitter and go, no. And I'm like, are you here for the comedy? Yeah.

Or are you? It's a weird thing that when people bagger and go, oh, what a shitty song. But it's like, she's 16. She's not 16. She's like 13. She's only grade eight. She's super young. She's in grade eight, yeah.

My point is, of course, all that she has to sing about is sitting in a car and eating cereal. Trying to decide which seat she's going to take. What other life experiences would you have at that age? Yeah, and it's a tough choice, front seat or the back seat. Yeah. It's really... Front seat. Depends if you've called shotgun or not.

Yeah. Maybe that's the follow-up. Shotgun. Why would you want to sit in the back seat? Shotgun, shotgun. Why would you want to sit in the... I never even got that bus thing when people, oh, you sit up the back of the bus. Because that's where the cool kids sat.

Yeah. They really weren't cool. Because I think there was just one long seat. I was cool. It was that one long seat at the back you could lie down and have sex. Right. Yeah. Just be banging away on your way to PE.

I was up the front of the bus giving sweet handies to the bus driver. Bit of a jobby dog. Give us a free trip home, are you? Yeah, kiddo, just keep up that wrist action. You're a good little bloke with your fucking face. Bart was somewhere in the middle just scrawling lolfag onto the back of the seat. I think it's the verbal equivalent of a cock and balls. You know when you throw a cock and balls on something?

Yeah. It's a bit like that, I think. Yeah. Just getting back to the Rebecca Black thing quickly. I was out on Thursday night at the Toffin Town at a bar outside. It was about one in the morning. It was quite late. Yeah.

People were outside pretty pissed. This bloke rocks up with a tray of tequila shots, and we're thinking, oh, his group are all going to be getting into it. He puts the tray down, stands up, and announces to the room, I got a shot of tequila here for anyone who can sing the rap from the middle of the Rebecca Black song and everyone just goes

yeah! and we're thinking some hero's gonna get up and bust it out and then no one, who knows like who's, the average person hasn't watched it more than once and that bit's not the memorable bit no, no, no, but then there's this kind of silence and then he goes The average person hasn't watched it more than once. So then... And that bit's not the memorable bit. No, no.

But then there's this kind of silence, and then he goes, all right, I'll give a shot of tequila to anyone who can sing the chorus of the Rebecca Black Friday song. And then everyone just starts going, Friday, Friday. And he's just dishing them out. And I was like, there's a guy that just wants to give away tequila. That's all this is. He doesn't care about the song at all. He just hates having money.

That's sweet. It could be that or some ingenious marketing by Rebecca Black. Maybe. That is a sweet request though. The rap. I haven't looked

into it enough. The black dude rapping in the car. Who is that guy? It's no one but it's like you know these 13 year olds

are driving around in this car and I don't get it because she's 13. Who's driving the car? She's dealing like that's creepy. She's dealing with some 16 year old guy that's got his license. That I don't get it because she's 13. Who's driving the car? Like, she's dealing, like, that's creepy. She's dealing with some 16-year-old guy that's got his license. That's not right.

The black grandpa. Is that the subtext that he's a pedophile? No, he's much older. He's following them. He's driving behind them. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, waiting for one of them to, like, fall off. Hey, little mate, you get in my car.

I've got candy. And a boner. Yeah, I'm friends with Ice-T. Do you want to come back to my place? That's where he is. Yeah. Stab. Hey, do you like M&M's?

So do I. Have some. Mmm, yum. Yeah, no, he's like an old rapper. Like, not an older, but they're like 13. He'd be like 35. Yeah. And all of a sudden it cuts to his 35-year-old.

It'd be fine if he was 70. Nobody rapping. If he was 70, it'd be like, oh, he's all right. He's just an old bloke. But, I mean, that's the trend now, isn't it, of all these, like, you know, you're Justin Bieber's and you're whoever else. The trend is these young kind of pre-teen or whatever they are stars, they've always got, like, Ludacris or whoever's dropping a verse

in the middle of a song. And I find it creepy and no one's questioning it. Well, that's the key thing because that rapper is never in the same scene as the other people. Yeah. So it doesn't look creepy because if he walked into those 13 year olds, you'd go, oh no! They're in the bedroom and he's just like climbing into the window. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, hey little girl, yeah. But you do notice that you're right. I'd like to climb into your backseat. You want to see a tattoo of a dragon? Tattoo of a dragon on my ball bag. But yeah, you're right. You do notice that it's never them hanging out in a room. It's always like they flick the TV on and he just happens to be on the TV

doing a rap at that time or something like that. When you said when the guy brought in all the shots, actually something made me think that he was going to request someone do Will Smith's rap from Opposites Attract with Paul Abdul. That's your vintage right there. Was there a Will Smith rap in that? Yeah, he was the cat in that film clip. Will Smith's rap from Opposites Attract with Paula Abdul. That's your vintage right there. Was there a Will Smith rap in that? Yeah, he was the cat in that film clip. Will Smith?

Yeah, he was the animated cat. Scat Cat? I don't know what that was. He's a Scat Cat. Meow, meow, meow, meow. Was his name really Scat Cat? His name was Scat Cat. Okay.

Well, that was Will Smith. I did not know that. Yeah, that's a fact. Oh, wow. You look it up. I'm not debating. I'm just saying I didn't know that. When you get in front of your internet at home, have a look.

Yeah. Yeah, learn yourself some knowledge. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, wow. You look it up. I'm not debating. I'm just saying I didn't know that. When you get in front of your internet at home, have a look. Yeah. Yeah, learn yourself some knowledge. Yeah. Yeah. I thought, what do they teach in schools today? Jesus. Kids, open up your Google. Now, what do you want to learn?

Google something about Will Smith. Write us an essay. Open up your MTV special from 1991. Yeah. See what you got. Hey, Carl, I can see you keeping one eye on the telly that's in the corner of this room that has the footie on it. You're a big sports fan.

You like your sports. You like the foot dogs. Who do you go for? You go for the Western Wizards? You go for the Albanian Squirrel Hunters? Fucking love those cunts in their shorts. They've got the fastest legs in the West. Mate, I don't...

I fucking love them. They're a part of me. This isn't Facebook. They're a part of me. This is real life, Carl. This isn't audio Facebook. Yeah, mate, I come out of Facebook sometimes. I'm not liking this.

It's because I'm out of the Matrix. Do you see me wearing leather? No, because it's on the inside of me. Well, the reason I bring it up... So speaking of whatever the fuck Bart's on there... The reason I bring it up is So speaking of whatever the fuck Bart's on there... The reason I bring it up is that you're a big sports guy. For the record, I'm not a big sports fan.

And I've never quite understood people's passions about sport. Like I've got a mate who was saying, mate, now that the footy season's started, I'm loving it. I'm not going to have to go out on weekends. My life is complete once again. Friday, Saturday nights, I can just sit in and watch the footy. And I don't get that. There's pretty much only two things

in my life that I'm passionate about in any way, and that's Chicken Parmigiana and the film Ratatouille. Those are the only two things that I would passionately argue about, and there you go. The reason he likes those both is because the combination of those two when he's wanking is perfect. So potent.

But the reason that I... Oh, God, I'm jizzing so hard, you little rat. Get a schnitty up you. Cook me a schnitty. Cook me a schnitty, you little rat shit. That hot sauce on me shaft. If you could eat an animated Palmer, would that be good? Oh, I'd love that.

And a real rat. Cartoon food looks good. Animated Palmer. Roger Rabbit style. Pizza looks so much better animated than the real rabbit. Cartoon food looks good. Animated. Who framed Roger Rabbit style? Pizza looks so much better animated than the real deal. I like pizza. Again, we're talking about food. Yeah.

I'm not even hungry. Pepperoni pizza in a cartoon inspired me to eat pizza. Really? Yeah. Like you've never eaten it before. I've never had that idea to eat it before. Yeah. You can see that's the...

I think Tom and Jerry ate one once and I was like, I'm going to get some of that. That's the key to inception in Carl's mind. If you do it in cartoon, there's a chance that he'll do it. Yeah. Yeah. I like to think of this show, but the relationship between you and me is like a human Tom and Jerry. Yeah.

I like to think that too. Anyway, the reason I bring up sport is because I've never gotten it, but last night I've discovered a sport that I'm into because last night I went along and watched roller derby. I went along to the Victorian Roller Derby League. Why did you do that? To try and pick up? Yeah.

Well, I've always, you know, been curious about it. I could see you with a girl that would, like, smack you around. Big, strong lady. I could totally see that. It doesn't take much. Yeah, I went along because a friend of mine and my friend Kate, it was her first bout. Like she started doing it.

Oh, she's a roller. Roller girl. Yeah, we went along. Where was it? This is the awesome thing. It was at the Melbourne Showgrounds in like one of the big pavilions there. Really? Yeah, so you're kind of like you're sort of in this big dome

and you're like it's weird to be in here without. Who are the big ones? Not huge. Oh, there would have been a good thousand or so people there. The ones with the fruit and veg in it, normally. The biggest pumpkin. I thought you meant where they did the stunts and stuff. Oh, no, no, no.

There would have been about a thousand people in there, like the tracks and then a couple of food things, a bar and some market stalls and stuff. That's big. What was the food like? Oh, you know, it was like your classic Disney burger and sort of takeaway. Yeah.

Like the show. Caravan food. But it was weird to be in one of those pavilions without knowing that you're going to walk out with a Birdie Beetle show bag. Like that was kind of the weird thing about it, first of all. But it was amazing. Like I finally understand people's passion about the food now. I loved it.

Who did you barrack for? Who did you barrack for? I went for the Dolls of Go-Go. They were a good team. Who were they playing? They were playing the Toxic Avengers. Oh, Traditional Rivals. And this is my new favourite thing.

Traditional Rivals. The names that they come up with. They're fancy names. Here was my favourite one. Skate Bush. Oh, that's good. Skate Bush is a good one. That's pretty good.

And then it forces you to play that game. If you were doing it, what would your name be? Like what would your roller derby name be? What would mine be? While you're thinking, Johnny, here's mine. Tommy Hilfinger. Oh.

Because someone said, is that as in Hilfinger as in Hilfinger you? I sort of meant it more like, no, like I'll finger you on a hill. But it can be both. Hilfinger you, Tommy Hilfinger you on a hill. Yeah, Hilfinger you on a hill. But it can be both. He'll finger you. Tommy, he'll finger you on a hill. Yeah, he'll finger you on a hill. That's deep. It's like a riddle.

It's like a riddle. By the time you figure out what the riddle is, you've been fingered. Yeah, exactly. It's a smoke screen which allows me to act undercover of darkness. What do you reckon yours would be, Bart? I don't have enough time to come up with a riddle. It'd be something to do with Bart. You'd use Bart in some way.

The Bart of seduction. Yeah, yeah. The Bart of seduction. Yeah, yeah. The Bart of seduction. That'd be good. What's more important in this thing? Do you have to use your name or do you have to make some skate pun? I reckon yours would be the grumpy ball bag. No, I don't like that. I think that's you.

That's you. Nah, that's not me. You'd skate around in your teabag, people. Nah, I think I'd go with something good. The striped fox. Nah, that's not good. Vaggie. So it's easy for you because you just go with anything that you put on Facebook.

Yeah. No, well, I just need to know that what goes on Facebook is just in my head all the time. I was slowly going insane, and then Facebook came out, and I thought, finally, an outlet. I want Roller Derby to take off. I want it to become a big thing. It's women's only. You should come. Women's only?

Yeah, women's only. Yeah. It's super fun. And it just makes me wonder, is there that same kind of, is there going to be like a whole Aussie rules culture behind it where it's like, I just pictured like eight of the girls going out and getting blind and picking up some lad in a bar and taking him back to a hotel room and just pinning him down and them all sucking him off and him being like, no, no. And then all of a sudden every paper's got the St Kilda schoolboy.

They'll be like this Roller Derby scat tragedy. I'm saying it now. I'm making a bid to become the Ricky Nixon of roller derby. Wait a minute, that means I'm going to have sex with a young boy. Hello. It's all come out. Jesus. Hey, you're reading this off a piece of paper.

This has been played out. I think we know the team. Tommy supports the under 13 Tigers. I think it sounds like Tommy Barracks for the other team, if you know what I'm saying. Hot sauce. Lads, that brings us to the... Lads.

Right, fellas. That's what being in the Triplanes does. I'm a gay. Good night. Guys, that brings us to the end of the program for another week. I forgot to plug it at the start, but Comedy Festival starts this week. If you downloaded this the day that it comes out, my show is starting tonight on Wednesday,

Bart and Carl's show starts tomorrow. I'm on Wednesday as well. Wednesday the 30th of March, your show starts. Yep, yep. So Wednesday the 30th of March until, I'm on until April 10th, Bart, you're on until... The 17th.

The 17th of April. So get on and see that. Carl Chandler, your show starts... until... The 17th? The 17th of April. So get on and see that. Carl Chandler, your show starts... 12th of April. On the 12th of April. Get on to Comedy Fest, the Forum Theatre. Oh, the Forum in the big one, big room. Yep, the big room.

They've actually made an extension on it. Yeah. So it's taken the roof off. $12,000. But how much is a ticket? Is it $50? It's on Tidehouse Tuesday. Yeah.

The rest of the day is $300. Have you got the go-betweens doing support for you? I've got Tidehouse Tuesday. Yeah. The rest of it, the rest of the day is $300. Have you got the go-betweens doing support for you? I've got Darryl Braithwaite. I've got Sherbert

reuniting to support me. You ride in on a motorbike, don't you? With like... I come in with hot pants.

Yeah, hot pants. Yeah. Thank you! Comedyfestival.com.au. Get in and see some shows. Pretty much everyone that we've had on the program thus farival.com.au. Get in and see some shows. Pretty much everyone that we've had on the program thus far is doing a show, so get out and see some stuff.

If you like them on the show, go and support them. See the little fellas. We're also doing our live episode Sunday, April 10th at Soft Belly Bar. We'll have more information about that coming up for you. Thanks for listening. We'll see you next week in the Little Dumb Dumb Club. Thanks so much, Bart Freebound, for joining us. Thanks for having me, guys. You're really beautiful. Nah, you're great, man. Thanks for listening. We'll see you next week in the Little Dumb Dumb Club. Thanks so much Bart Freebound for joining us. Thanks for having me guys. You're really beautiful. Nah, you're great man.

Thanks Electric Eagle. I feel really connected to your little gravy legs. Alright, we'll see you next time in the Little Dumb Dumb Club. See you mates!