The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 24 - Paul F. Tompkins

Episode Date: April 6, 2011

Free Bread, Danzig's House and 'My Snivelling, Spineless Worm of a Father." Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey mates, welcome aboard to another edition of the Little Dum Dum Club. My name is Tommy Dasolo and sitting opposite me, as always, my co-host Carl Chandler. G'day dickhead. Hey mate, how you doing? Yeah, I'm very good. Yeah? Yeah. You're doing good?

Yeah. You're looking good. Yeah, thank you. Well, we've just eaten McDonald's so we're as good as we can possibly be. Yeah, we'll get to that. It wouldn't be an episode of the Little Dum Dum Club if we did not mention food. Yeah. Hey, I just wanted to say this up top though. It wouldn't be an episode of The Little Dumb Dumb Club if we did not mention food. Yeah. Hey, I just wanted to say this up top.

I haven't told you this yet. I thought you might be entertained by this. I had a thing today where I... Can I stop you quickly? Does this involve a listener of the show bagging me out in some way? I wish, but it doesn't. I think it's a listener of the show story, though. I wish, but it doesn't.

I think it's a listener of the show story, though. I went to a bakery and... Starting strong. Yeah, it's good. And the guy goes, the guy just looked at me when I walked in and went, it's you. With no point of reference. And I went, oh, yeah, yep. Correct.

Yep. You got it in one. With no point of reference. And I went, oh, yeah, yep. Correct. Yep. You got it in one. And then he went, yeah, what are you doing here? And I'm like, in a bakery buying bread, hopefully. And he went, oh, what are you doing in this area? I'm like, I live here. And I'm like trying to figure out where this is going.

Are you having that thing going, am I meant to know who this person is? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whether it's a mate or. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And then he sort of went, am I meant to know who this person is? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whether it's a mate or... Yeah, yeah, exactly. And then he sort of went, oh, can I get a photo with you? And I went, do you even... I didn't say anything. I went, yeah, of course, okay. But I'm like, do you know who I am?

Yeah. I'm always up for photos. Sweet gig on someone else's Facebook photo file. But so he's like, okay and then and i'm still thinking does he where's this coming from why why does he want this and uh then a lot of customers came into the shop and then he had to serve all of them so i'm the guy just sitting there for no reason for like five to ten minutes waiting for him to dole out the buns and whatever he's doing and i'm sitting there then he goes okay now let's take the photo and all all the while he's doing this, I realize that he's not using my name at all.

It's all this sort of, hey, yeah, mate, this will be good. And what else is happening, chief? And I'm like, I think you're getting a photo with me without you knowing who I am. I think he just thought that I know that face from somewhere. I'll just get this on the off chance that this is something. And then he'll show the photo to someone else and go, is this anything? But then at the end, I'm like, oh, so good luck. And he's like, yeah.

Oh, look, the bread's on me. So I got a sweet $3.50 unsliced Baker's Delight loaf out of it. So you've got no idea. I don't think he knows. Yeah, there was no reference point. So anyone listening, after a photo with Carl Chandler, the going rate is a loaf of bread. If you have a picture of me and a loaf of bread, call in.

Wow, that is great. Hey, I feel like our guest is wanting to chime in, and we've very rudely not introduced him, and then started a story that is rife for commentary. We're very excited today. This is the first international guest that we've had on the Dum Dum Club. You may know him from the Tenacious D TV series and film, or the sketch show, Mr. Show.

Please welcome to the little Dum Dum Club, Paul F. Thompson. Yay! Finally, you got there. I could see you going, do I comment on this story? No one knows who I am yet. I did not know the etiquette. I did not know the Dumb Dumb Club etiquette. We were in the clubhouse.

The rules are posted up on the wall. Oh, is that what that is? Yeah, first of all, no girls. Of course, backwards S. Not the other board where there's someone engraving your name into it right there. That's the guest board. The rule board's the other wall. Ever traded a photo for a loaf of bread?

It's not very Hollywood, I guess, is it? Well, in Hollywood, I will see in dry cleaners or in a car wash or whatever, there will be photos of famous people up there. And there's also photos of not famous people. And then I always think, well, how does one get one's picture up on the wall? Because you see the famous people and you think, oh, the dry cleaner must say, can we have a photo for our wall? Because you're famous. But then when it's just some actor who has a photo that

obviously frequents that dry cleaner, I think that must come from the actor, right? The actor must say, would you like a photo of me for your wall? And I cannot bring myself to do that. To get that rejection from the dry cleaner,

no, I don't think so. Do you think anyone ever just accidentally leaves a photo of themselves in their coat or something? That would be good. But also a photo, but with also a CV of stuff you've been on. Do you know what I mean? So they don't recognize, they go, oh, he is famous. We should put this up. Yeah, so they don't return the photo.

Yeah. You all sign it. Yeah, sign it. Good starching One of my great goals in life is to have a sandwich named after me At a restaurant Ooh, that's a tough one That is a tough one

I want to know, is it just what you're in the restaurant all the time And you get the same thing every time And they go, look, let's just You're the only one that orders this I think, yeah, I think you have to kind of It's either a sandwich no one else orders Or you have to I think you have to be responsible – it's either a sandwich no one else orders or you have to – I think you have to be responsible for it being different in some way.

There's got to be something unique about it. It can't just be BLT. It's got to be – if you are like – I think it's a combo of you have to be famous and picky about what you eat. You have to be famous and cause a problem for the kitchen staff in order for you to get a sandwich named after you. And that makes me think maybe now that's a badge of shame as opposed to a mark of honor. You don't want people in the kitchen going, oh, I've got to serve up the Tompkins. Back again with these crazy foreign delicacies. What would be in the Tompkins?

Oh, my gosh. Well, I do like a bit of ham. And then if you're going to put some ham on there, you might as well put some lettuce on there just for the roughage. Sorry to put you on the spot like this. It's like the weirdest improv I've ever been pimped on. What's in a sandwich that would be named after you? And a tie. Okay.

That's pretty good. So a ham and lettuce sandwich wrapped in a tie. Exactly. That's good good. So a ham and lettuce sandwich wrapped in a tie. Exactly. That's good. So it's low carb, right? Yeah. It's fancy. And it's like a free gift.

It's like the little Happy Meal toy. It's a little tie. If you can eat the ham and lettuce out of the tie without damaging the tie structurally, then you have a free tie. You get your photo on the wall. That's right. And some places have those challenges. That's your reward. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Out of the pace. You get your photo on the wall. Some places have those challenges. That's your reward.

Can I just squeeze this in very quickly? While we were talking about celebrity photos on the wall and stuff like that, when I went last time to America, I went to LA and my girlfriend wanted to do the map of the Star's Homes and all that stuff. We went on the tour and I thought it was a funny moment. I found it very funny when

you go into that highly populated Starfest area or whatever, and it's like, oh, wow, Jennifer Lopez really does live next door to, you know, Warren Beatty or whatever it is. So it's like all that sort of stuff. So it's like Jennifer Lopez, Warren Beatty, Diana Ross, you know, Tom Cruise. Anna Ross, Tom Cruise, and then it's like, and this next one, that's the house that the guy from the love boat used to live in 10 years ago, but then he died. And I was like, well, this is a low point. That was jammed in between everything else. And it wasn't even like, that's where he lives now. That's the current house of an ex-love boat member.

I was like, that was 10 years ago, and he's dead now. That was the real toilet break of the tour, I would have thought. Do you think it was implied that the house was haunted? And that's why it remains unoccupied. You might be right. I was looking at a glass half empty. I should have been appreciating the haunted map of the star's home. Did the guy say, the guy from the Love Boat?

Or did he say boat he knew the name that's insult to injury yeah i think that might have said that on the map but he actually bothered pronouncing his name yeah i i did the i did the stars homes tour when i was in la and it was quite a small group and i became a bit of a novelty because i was like the only i was the only non-american on the bus right so we. So we're pulling up and they're like, here's Jennifer Aniston's house. Do you know Jennifer Aniston is back in Australia? And then we went past Bob Barker's house

and they were like, do you know who Bob Barker is? And I was like, yeah, I know who Bob Barker is. And they're like, how do you know Bob Barker? I'm like, from Happy Gilmore. Of course I know who Bob Barker is. Is that your connection to Bob Barker? That is, yeah. That's everyone in Australia.

That's the only reason we know Bob Barker is from Happy Gilmore. I know a lot of stuff about America from Mad Magazine. That's where I've got a lot of my American political history. But then you think the names are weirder than they actually are. Yeah. You think they're all unfortunate plays on words. Yeah. How did that guy get so far in politics with that ridiculous name?

Yeah. Carl is Australia's leading expert on snappy answers to stupid questions. If you give him a stupid question, my friend, you will get a snappy answer. And whenever I look at stuff, I generally think if I fold that, could that be funnier? They're still doing that

folding, right? Yeah, that guy's like 90 or something. He's still folding stuff. He's still doing it. Al Jaffe. And he's the same guy that does the snappy answers to stupid questions. That's correct read an interview with him recently. He's still doing it. Al Jaffe. Al Jaffe. That's right. And he's the same guy that does the snappy answers to stupid questions. Yeah, that's correct. I am quite the expert.

You are quite the expert. And when people would be throwing up, there'd be like a fish skeleton. Yeah. That's another thing I learned from Mad Magazine.

That's right. It's like, our toilets spin differently and you guys spew fish. Yes, we consume a lot of whole fish. Yeah, the Australian Mad Magazine, whenever people vomit, it's boneless.

There's no bone in there. That's how you can tell the difference. I like with the fold-ins that sometimes you'd fold in and you'd go, oh, wow, where did that come from? But then a lot of the time you can just see, you're looking at a hill and you're like, oh, that's a face. There are big ears coming out of the side of that hill. Yeah, more like phone den, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and you would see them in the newsagents, and you would see that people had already done the fold, and I'd go, why even bother, man? Like, you know what it's going to be. Don't wreck it for someone else. I remember as a kid being very careful with the fold-in because the magazine was precious to me,

and I didn't want to crease it. And so it became such an art to be able to fold it without it being noticeable that it had been folded. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I used to give them to my dad and get him to take them into his office and photocopy them.

And then it'd be like a special thing when you come home with the photocopy. Did you really? I was the same. I was an obsessive like I didn't want to crease it because I felt like it ruined the magazine. That both an obsessive like I didn't want to create it because I felt like it ruined the magazine. That both warmed and terrified my heart. It is quite strange behavior and probably explains a lot about me. But I love that you and your dad did it, right?

Yeah. Oh, I love that he did it. Yeah. Yeah, just the image of my dad. This grown man has to go to the copier. Well, actually, I was at the library a couple weeks ago. He should have been just saying to you, mate, it's Spiro Agnew. That's the answer.

I actually saw it the other day. I was in the library near my house, and I saw a guy who would have had to have been in his 80s or maybe even 90s. He looked very, very old, getting some back issues of Mad Magazine and looking through them and photocopying his favorite gags out of them at the photocopy machine. It really warmed me. I was like, that's really great. Yeah. Wow. I just, I don't know.

I don't know. What's he going to do with them? I'll just picture maybe give them to his grandkids or. And tell them he made a magazine. I made this magazine for you kids. Yeah. Yeah. He started his own zine.

You can buy that at a zine fair somewhere. I used to be a proper big fan and I've got literally hundreds and hundreds of copies and they're at my. Do you really? Yeah. Yeah. I really loved it when I was a kid. Oh, yeah.

And I collected it hardcore and I put them all in a... I actually bought, as like a 10-year-old or 11-year-old, I saved up money to buy a filing cabinet to keep them in. Oh. Filing cabinet. Yeah. I have a filing cabinet. You just signed up your pocket money.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not to buy comics or anything. To buy a bit of metal to wrap them around. Right. Yeah, like an idiot. And now I've lost the key and it is sitting in my parents' house in my old bedroom just by itself. It's a big piece of metal with comics in it so I sit somewhere. In an empty room?

Yeah. No, no. There's like a bed. It's not in the middle of the room. That would be cool. So it's like a time capsule of like Mad Magazine's there. And I've lost the key. You can't get into it.

No. Oh, that's amazing. I mean, because you probably saved up enough money to buy the super secure file cabinet. Yeah. So there's no way that you can get into that now. Like with a butter knife, it's probably impossible to. See, if you'd saved up maybe a week's more money, you could have bought the filing cabinet with a retina scanner.

You wouldn't need a key and you could get in. Or I could have saved up an extra $2 and got a spare key. Yeah, either or. Yeah. Either or. But on the way in here, we stopped off at McDonald's. Yes, we did. Because you were after some food and we were trying to-

That was the closest thing. That was the closest thing, yeah. And Carl made the big call early on that he thought- Oh, this is going to come back. Australian McDonald's better than American McDonald's. What's the verdict? I have to say, honestly, I feel like it's about the same. Yeah, fair enough. That wasn't a good batch, I wouldn't have thought.

Who's their chef over there these days? Well, the other night I got, and I'll be interested to hear your thoughts on this. This is a very interesting piece of timing. It's a coincidence, but it's very interesting to me, is that KFC on Wednesday, the very same day that the comedy festival started, introduced to Australia the Double Down Burger, which I believe has been in the States for a number of years or a little while. About a year.

About a year. About a year. About a year. It's the no bun, just two bits of chicken with cheese and bacon. I honestly don't know how it is legal. Yeah. It astonishes me that that should be a criminal act, that they have released this to the public. Of course we think about things like that.

Of course we all do. Like what if, I wish the sandwich was made of other sandwiches. That would be great. But you don't act on it because you're breaking a certain code of humanity. Yeah, it's insane. And there's a thing in- It's like an introduced species. It's like when they introduce like a rat into the country and it just eats all the

livestock and wrecks everything for everyone. This is going to kill like half the population now. So Paul, we've talked about food for enough. Is it because that's enough food talk for one episode? It's a good amount. Have we filled our weekly quota of food chat? Oh, look, we can always put some more in in post. Everyone can relate to it, though.

We all eat food. Yeah, our show just has a reputation now for it. Someone said to me the other day, I love your show, but all you guys do is talk about food. We do more. That's unfair. That's unfair your show, but all you guys do is talk about food. And we do more. That's unfair. That's unfair. That's unfair.

All you do is criticize. That's what I would say to that person. See how he likes it or she. Well, a couple of weeks ago, we were talking about the iPhone game Tiny Wings. And I have had people. I just started playing that goddamn game. But here's the thing, though. I've had people twittering at me since that episode going,

oh, now I'm addicted to Tiny Wings. Thanks a lot, Dasolo. And to those people who want to say, I didn't invent the game. Yes, exactly. I'm just talking about it. Like, people are like, oh, there goes all my productivity. Thanks, Dasolo. You're the tipping point for Tiny Wings.

The first time anyone's ever listened to you, and now it's negative. Now they're bagging you for it. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. The one time someone's taken my to you, and now it's negative. Now they're bagging you for it. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. The one time someone's taken my opinion on board. You know what? I'm on here every week telling people to come and see my comedy festival show.

I mention an iPhone game. No one seems like no one really wants to be playing, and everyone's all over it. No one said, thanks a lot, Dassolo. I'm addicted to your comedy. So, Paul, you're out here for the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. Yes, it's true. Yeah, you've done a few shows now. You're a few nights.

I'm on my fourth tonight. I saw it tonight. I very much enjoyed it. It was very, very good. You didn't have to say that just because I'm sitting right here. No, no, I did. I did. I really enjoyed it.

You've listened to the show. I think you said you've listened to one episode. If you'd listened to more episodes, you would know that Carl, if he didn't like it, he would just flat out tell you to your face. Oh, really? Yeah. One of Carl's favourite things to do is hang shit on people, so if he had any kind of excuse.

There's an international guest here, Tony. He's going to go home and tell Hollywood types, and then they're not going to want to come on the show. Maybe you didn't see my international lapel flag. Yeah, that guy from the love boat isn't really dead. He just heard about your reputation and went, I don't want to get Chandler'd in my own home. Oh, Captain Steubing. Did he die, Captain Steubing?

I think so, yeah. I thought he was still alive. I don't know. You'll have to take the tour. Too soon. I guess so. First order of business When I get home So now you're going to get

Twitter saying Damn you Carl Chandler Now I'm addicted to looking at Whether Captain Steubing's dead Well I'm You know We got pulled up from last week When I said that it was

Will Smith doing the rap on Oh yeah Yeah Apparently that wasn't right Will Smith did the rap on Opposites of Track with Paula Abdul It wasn't him It wasn't Will Smith at all

Something else Yeah Yeah The one with MC Scat Cat? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I just assumed it was him.

Really? MC Scat Cat. What do you mean? You just assumed that was a real person. You assumed it was a real cat. Yeah. I assumed the cartoon. Obviously, I didn't think the cartoon was real.

It sounds to me like you do. I assumed he was based on a real person. Right. A cat-like person. You're very feline. Just to deviate, are you a cat person? I like cats. Are you, are you a cat person? I like cats. Are you a cat or a dog person?

I think I'm more of a cat person because cats are lower maintenance. Okay, I would disagree with that, but anyway. Oh, would you? This is cutting-edge comedy. Let's get into it. The reason I bring it up is because a friend of the show, Josh Earl, who's doing a show in the Comedy Festival, he turned up at the front of the town hall the other night and he had cuts all over his arm.

I was like, Jesus, you see someone with that many cuts on their arm, you're like, man, are you all right? Especially during Comedy Festival. I've been reading good reviews about your show. What's going on? And his cat attacked him and the reason his cat attacked him is because it saw another cat for the first time. So it had never seen another cat before. It saw another cat for the first time so it had never

seen another cat before it saw another cat and went i guess he's holding josh and then holding the cat right he wasn't i don't think he was no come on and the cat just leaped on him i'm building that up in my head because i hate cats like that's that's i'm just i'm making it out like it's done the worst thing it possibly could tell you what though I do like the idea of a cat freaking out in that way and having no place to put its rage and then it turns on its owner. Rather than it's in a fight or flight situation and it's trying to get loose.

But that's like definitely, I don't like what I'm seeing and you are to blame. I'm not going to take it out on the thing that I'm panicked about. I'm going to go the other way. Who knows what's going to happen with that creature. I know what I'm getting into with you. But I just, like, a friend of mine has just moved house, and she lives with a girl who has a cat,

and she didn't want the cat going in her room, so she's kind of tried to lock the door. And I think the cat somehow got in. Sure. And then just pissed all over her clothes. These stories are very sketchy from you. So what I'm saying is the cat found a key to the door, got on a little shelf, opened

the door, went in there. Do you think the cat made an impression of the key in some wax? Yeah, that's exactly what I, that is my, I'm allergic to them too, so I kind of. Oh, you buried the lead on this one. Full disclosure, full disclosure. You are where urban legends come from, these urban myths. You are the ones that are starting this. So, Paul, I was going to say, like I said, yeah, I really enjoyed your show tonight.

And I think I've said that. And what I noticed in your show, I guess, you talk a lot about your experience, your meetings with Hollywood types. Yes, it's true. And they're all very good, entertaining stories. And, you know, it's that sort of thing. I don't know whether it's a cultural cringe or whatever but because we're in australia so far away and anything hollywood is like oh what are they like what are those guys like so i don't know how to phrase these i guess what else you got

you mean as a as a society that's pretty much it no just hollywood have you met anyone to that level of the captain Steubing? Any, uh, um, I have met, I've met a fair amount of famous people. I'm trying to think,

any neighbors, any, any Hollywood neighbors? Like, uh, if there was a, if there was a map of, of your neighborhood, would there be,

there'd be you, would there be any other blips on the map? Somebody that lives very close is the, uh, the scary rock and roller, Glenn Danzig. Oh, really? Yes. Lives. He lives in, in me and my wife's neighborhood. that lives very close is the uh the scary rock and roller glenn danzig oh really yes lives he

lives in in me my wife's neighborhood um he's a couple blocks away and he's got this house that uh when you see it well it's like he's got like a uh an iron fence in the front and it's not it's not too like the Munsters or anything. But the lawn is kind of dead. And then there's shades in the upstairs windows that are kind of very specifically sort of askew and in disarray. You know what I mean? And it looks – I can't help but look at it and think this is all on purpose. He wants it to look like a scary abandoned house

that kids would dare each other to go into. You notice a lot about this house. It sounds like you're staking him out. I go by it every day. And there's a house right next door that is in even worse shape that I swear, in my mind, Glenn Denzig has purchased that house, and he's got a tunnel that goes underneath. But that house is even scarier looking.

It looks like a meth lab. Oh, cool. So you're getting on. You're getting on. No, but I used to live next door to this. Not that long ago, I used to live next to this thing that I had this conspiracy theory about that was a meth lab because it was the worst, horrible, most scary-looking house I'd ever seen, and it was clearly abandoned and there was no door.

There was guard dogs at the back. It was so bad, but there was guard dogs at the back. So you're like, why is it guard dogs guarding an abandoned house? They're not, there must be something. But it was like one of those, uh, Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory things. You never saw anyone go in and you never saw anyone go out, but you saw lights on at nighttime and there was dogs and whatever. No, wait a minute. What makes you think it wasn't a chocolate lab? in and you never saw anyone go out. But you saw lights on at night time and there was dogs and whatever.

No, wait a minute. What makes you think it wasn't a chocolate lab? They might have been making delicious chocolate and guarding it. And I never saw anyone go in and I never saw anyone go out because I want midges. I just didn't see them. They live in there. Yeah. Paul, I like before that you were getting into me about attributing crazy powers onto cats, and then you're sitting here going, Glenn Danzig owns a house next to him, and he's made a little tunnel underneath.

Look, you don't understand. I think about this guy all day long. I think about cats all day long. Your Glenn Danzig is to Paul F. Tompkins as cats are to Tommy Dasolo. Yeah. Exactly. We've found our common ground. Yeah.

So this is actually, this is your second time in the country. Yes. You've been out here briefly before a few years ago a few years ago i did uh like i want to say 2005 maybe i did a show for comedy central back in america called uh uh the world comedy tour um and i did a couple days in sydney uh because i was uh quote unquote hosting it for american television it's like one of those things where it was going to be chopped up and shown all around and then so like there would be a guy

in in the uk doing the same thing that i was doing right you know but he was the host of it there you know and then i would be just another performer on it there and so i did the the host segments in sydney and then came down here to tape the actual show. And I got into Melbourne, and all the UK comics arrived there at the same time as me and a couple other American guys. So they filmed an episode of a show called The World Comedy Tour in Australia, and no Australian acts were on it. No, there were Australian acts.

Oh, okay, right. There were Australian acts. It just sounds like a very babbling show. I'd say, well, I mean, it was the English-speaking world comedy tour. There were some Canadians, too, I think. But, you know, there was nobody in a kimono. You know, it was not quite the whole world. But the U.K. guys and gals, you know, we all get in around the same time,

and they wanted to start drinking right away and so we did because there was like this this sort of convention feel of it's like oh we're all here in the same place and this will be nothing but fun so we got drunk um and just like drank all day and night and then the next day i was horribly hung over for the TV taping, which is a little – that's not – my priorities were misaligned. And it went horribly. It went horribly. And so that was my lasting impression of Australia was that I don't do comedy so well there. That's very Danzig-esque behavior of you.

It's very Danzigian. That's cool though because I think if I was American, if I was on some sort of TV show or even sitcom, one of my goals would be to make an episode of it down under. You know? Sure. Absolutely. Yeah. Just to transport all the crew and cast down and then have kangaroos walking down the street and all of that crap. That would be awesome.

Oh, let's get it back on food for one second. Okay. Please do. I went to that, the hotel I'm staying at is near Hardware Lane. Yes. Where the people try to get you to come in the restaurant and then I just sell you into white slavery. I don't know. They give you a really hard sell. Yeah.

And so I went to this place and they had kangaroo on the menu. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And I am not a vegetarian, but I've started to eat more vegetarian and vegan stuff in recent years. And for the first time, I felt like a weird moral twinge about eating something. Because I thought, I'll try the kangaroo. And then I thought, oh, it's a kangaroo. I felt weird about it.

I have the exact same thing with it. Like I eat a lot of meat. But I'm never, if I'm eating a burger or chicken or whatever, I'm never conscious of the fact that I'm eating an animal. I'll eat a big stupid cow. Idiots. A dumb little chicken. Pea brain. You had this coming. I'll have two chickens together with a bit of cheese and bacon in the middle. I don't care. I had that same thing where I was like, I'm eating the coat of arms. I'm eating a proper animal. It's like if I ate proper animal. Are we the only country –

Like if I ate an eagle. Are we the only country to do that, to eat our coat of arms? Because we do eat emu as well. That is crazy. Because probably Americans wouldn't do – I mean, you guys are a bit more patriotic, I think, than us. Like you literally – I mean, a lot more is what I should say. There are many Americans who are obsessed with that idea.

Yeah. I don't know that they're necessarily patriotic, but they like to say that they are for sure. I don't think of all Australians, even the ones that would be like, Australia, the best place in the world. I think that would be the first people to take a kangaroo. Well, from what I've gathered, there's almost a hatred of them here. Where it's like they are pests, like they're ants or something that have gotten into your home. Of what? Of kangaroos. Oh, I thought you were talking about Americansicans no no well that goes without saying that's what happened during the world comedy tour that's why i got so drunk

that was back in george bush days where like just having an american accent was like here's where i'm gonna unload on you like i'm not one of those people. Come on. I didn't vote for that guy. On the coat of arms thing, you're saying America, you know, you don't. It can't be far off. One of the takeout

joints bringing out eagle nuggets or something. I can't imagine that ever happening. Really? I can't imagine that ever happening.

Because they're not vermin. Like kangaroos are technically vermin because there's so many of them. But eagles are endangered.

Not anymore. Oh, really? They were. But eagles are endangered. Not anymore. Oh, really? They were. Bald eagles were endangered. Oh, let's tuck in. They're fine. Let's go to KFE. You have to understand that in America, in the last presidential election, an issue that gained traction for a couple weeks was whether or not you wear a flag lapel pin because like everybody

after 9-11 everybody started wearing those lapel pins like you didn't have you didn't have to before it's like why we're all in america why do we need to wear they wore the planes yeah exactly it's good juju to wear a flag pin but so then everybody just kept on doing it to the point where when obama was running for president he wasn't he wasn't always wearing a flag pin and so people were trying to make that a thing on fox news and everything like why doesn't he wear a flag pin right that's fucking crazy that that's actually going to be a thing and it was for a couple weeks but then it came out that he blocks tiny wings and everyone went, he's great. He's really good at it too.

Yeah, yeah. Five good slides in a row. His nest would be huge. He'd have the fucking most powerful nest. He made it to Island 8 before sunup. Our previous guest on the show, Bart Freebound, has been starting his comedy festival show by plugging his iPod into the speakers in his room and having the music from Tiny Wings as his front of house music. Oh, really? As people walk in.

Because if you, I don't think you, you haven't played it, have you? No, I haven't. It's really cheery, really kind of like soothing music. I'm still running my comedy festival show. I do not need that sort of thing happening. So you were telling us earlier that you've also performed on a sketch show in the UK. You went over there. I did.

It was for American television. It was based on a British sketch show called The Sketch Show. Yes. Which had one year of success and one year of failure. And so Kelsey Grammer's company bought the rights to it. That's right. And it became Kelsey Grammer's company bought the rights to it. That's right. And it became Kelsey Grammer Presents the Sketch Show. And so they hired me and a couple other American actors and then one guy from the original, Lee Mack, from the original British Sketch Show to redo these sketches.

And for some reason, this is like the thing that I don't understand about show business. For some reason, it was cheaper for us to do it in london than it was to do it in america i still don't see how that's possible right how is that possible just the cost of putting us up alone yeah flying us over there and putting us up for two months seems impossible but so we did it there but the weird thing about doing it there was that we had a British crew that was used to representing America for British people. But now they were still in that mode of representing, trying to represent America to somebody. But now it's two Americans. So like we would do a scene in a restaurant, like a diner kind of place.

And there would be American flags all over the place and a little bust of George Washington. What place would this, what restaurant would this be? Where it's like they're so used to telling people this is America, remember, this is where this is set. Yeah, every character's wearing a cowboy hat. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly!

See, that's your version of having a sitcom go down under. Yes, exactly! You don't have the corks hanging from the hat, you've got George Washington having a sitcom go down under. Yes, exactly. Yeah. Exactly. You don't have the corks hanging from the hat. You've got George Washington in the middle of your soup. It was so insane. And the clothes that we wore, it was hard to figure out, well, is this the stuff that's sort of in style here right now because there is a lag you know and and some but sometimes you know the US is ahead or sometimes the UK is ahead of you know what shirts look like you know yeah so we were thinking well is this is this what's trendy here

now or is this is this what you think we dress like yeah because this shirt looks weird like you know how Americans dress like assholes. Just 14 American flag with bow pins on either side of your jacket. Just carve it in them. And then, you know, things like, you know, we shot things in the rain, like a sketch that took place on the beach and it started raining and everybody just kept on filming. It's like in America this would stop because of the rain. Yeah, but it's Britain.

Britain never stops raining. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And so how long did the show last for? Oh, let's see. We shot six of those. I think two aired. And then that was it.

Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah, yeah. But it was quite an experience because we had to do these sketches the way they did them originally. And we were directed to do them like the original inflection, you know, of the actors.

And it's like, this is, why did you bother having auditions and hierarchy? Why didn't you just tell? Like that weird scene for scene remake of Psycho. Like, why bother? Exactly. Right. Exactly.

Yeah, it was really weird. It was a weird, weird experience, but it took place in London for some reason. So our listeners may be familiar with this. Paul, you're probably, I'd say, the most experienced podcaster that we've had as a guest on the show. Is that so? Well, I'd say so. It seems like we all have them now.

Well, that's it. But I think it's just kind of catching on here. I think it's like maybe a year or so behind the States where the boom happened kind of a bit earlier in the US, I guess. I would say, yeah, once it started, it picked up really quickly. Yeah, it's kind of the same thing here in the last, I guess, little while. But for people who don't know, you have your own podcast, the Pod F TomCast, which comes out once a month and has a lot of very, very high production values.

It kind of makes every other podcast look like a disorganized disgrace. Because that's the thing about it. It's so easy to do. I just get some mics and USB mics and we're good to go. Drag some international comic from after a show and drag him to Port Melbourne. Yeah, get him some Maccas on the way. Yeah, but look, this is a nice setup that you guys have here. This is some professional-grade stuff.

We didn't build the studio. No, you didn't, but you're in it. That's the important thing. We snuck in, yeah. Well, what's amazing to me is, like, when I – the sound was very important to me when I started doing it because I listen to a lot of podcasts. And I really enjoy it. But when you get a bad one where the, where the, where the quality is,

the quality of the sound is so bad. Yes. It's frustrating. It's very frustrating to listen to. So, um, I asked people like who, who did the,

who did good ones. What kind of equipment do you use? It's just that simple. And it's really not expensive. You know, like I got, I got a little mixing board for, for like just doing the, uh, there's a phone call segment that I do where I talk to another comedian friend of mine.

And so to make the phone calls good, I got a little mixing board and a microphone and all that. And it's extraordinarily cheap. And that's all – if you're just doing a conversational podcast, that's all you need. Yeah. But even if you don't get that, pretty much every town has a community radio station or something that you can do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But if you really want to do it yourself, you can't do that thing where everybody crowds around the laptop and talks into it. You can get a couple of microphones.

It's not cost prohibitive. Yeah, you can't record it on photo booth. That's probably not the way to go. This week, we're all on a roller coaster. This week we're in gay Paris. I'm just impressed with your – I'm quite a fan of your podcast. Oh, thank you. I'm impressed that you managed to do the number of episodes you've done

without having to talk about your partner at length because on this show, if Carl and I did not have girlfriends, each episode would go for three minutes and it would be strictly food. There would be not much else in the show. Well, that's the only person I see all day. Although you haven't yet, though. We haven't yet.

You haven't yet. Yeah, well, we've had... There's extra food talk, though. We did arrive with food. If we hadn't had that Macca's run on the way in here, then we would have been engraved. I'm ready for more, by the way, just so you know. That was not enough.

Really? I should have gotten the double quarter pound. We can go McFlurry on the way home. We got to go back past it. We can go KFC on the way home. Oh, God, that made me preemptively sick. Well, I wanted to, on the girlfriend thing, I want to bring this up. On the girlfriend tip.

I was out at the festival the other night and my girlfriend came along for sort of the first time. And we've only been together six months, so she hasn't been with me whilst doing a comedy festival yet. So it's all kind of new to her. She hasn't been with me whilst doing a comedy festival yet, so it's all kind of new to her. And is it arrogant to introduce her to people as the Michelle to my Barack Obama? Is that a wrong thing to do? Because that was my favourite thing.

But I bumped into a friend of mine. Wait, wait, you said it's your favourite thing. How many times did you do this? About four. Wow. About four. That's a good amount of time. Which is arguably four times too many.

But I'm very much a person, once I get onto a personal joke that I enjoy, I just beat the shit out of it. It only takes you four times for someone to not laugh for you to stop it. No, I would say it takes about 16 sometimes. If I'm particularly fond of it, I'll keep it going. Do people enjoy this? People do enjoy it. They do enjoy it. People do enjoy it. They do enjoy it. People do enjoy it.

I don't know how much my girlfriend enjoys it, and she's possibly the most important critic of it. I want to throw out a suggestion, and you can take or leave it. Please. Do it again, and I say you do it three times, then the fourth time you introduce her as the Barack to your Michelle. Ah, I see. I like it. I'm going to have to get her a flag lapel pin, though.

You should be doing that anyway. I mean, if you're serious about this young lady. How's that song go? If you like it, then you should have put a flag lapel pin on it. That's exactly how it goes. But, um, I don't know. I'm fascinated. I'm interested in this. I bumped into, we bumped into a friend of mine who had not met my girlfriend and I introduced

them. And then the friend of mine said to us, you guys look like you could be brother and sister. Is that something you can say to a couple? That's a weird thing to say. It's something you could, but it's something you should not say to a couple. Yes, yes. But I knew a married couple that I worked with this woman at a TV show, and then I met her husband after a few weeks of working there. And he's a really nice guy, and we were all hanging out.

It was after the show, and we were having a few drinks and everything. And I was just chatting with them, and I don't know. I can't remember how this came up. But she asked me very earnestly, do we look like brother and sister? And they did. Oh, okay. But I think I laughed and I said, no, you do not. But they really did.

Okay. But that's different if she's solicited it, if she's asked you. Yes, yeah. No, people should never offer that. Yeah. People should never offer that. That's so weird because not only do they recognize that they look alike, they've gotten married. So they've then bestowed their family name onto the woman.

Yeah. So just to remove all doubt, you now have the same last name as my sister. What I'm wondering is when did they realize that they looked like brother and sister? when did they realize that they looked like brother and sister? Was it an unconscious thing that brought them together? Or was it a thing that they saw early on like, that's a bummer, I'm in love with you, but we do look like we're related.

We got to just go do this anyway. Yeah. And just live with it. Or is it something that years into their marriage, all of a sudden like, wait, what happened? Why do we look like each other? I think, by the way, how can you tell if you've got tim tam poisoning because i've been eating them like crazy yeah they're rich they're really rich they are great have you been going because there's there's so many varieties i'm trying all the varieties okay how come you can't stop eating them is the is the question that's or what is the way to stop eating them?

Death is the way. Because I will start the package and I'll eat like a handful of them. And then I will put them back in the fridge because they're nice cold. And then like an hour later, I just crumble. I'm like, I'm going to eat the rest of that package. I think you'll stop eating them once you stop menstruating. Because that's generally how that works. Is that the real reason you're getting your wife to come over here?

Just so it's one other person that you can split the packet of Tim? You'll instantly be eating half as many Tim Tams. I don't know, it's because we're on the same menstrual cycle. We've synced up since we got married, yeah. She will probably seriously take care of that problem for you. No, she will. I'm sure that she will. Yeah.

Although she's weird with stuff like that, and she might try them and say, I don't see what's so great about these. That has never once happened in the history of anything. Never. Never. Not to play into the cliche too much, but not women with Tim Tams. Yeah, true. I think that's cool.

I feel like, okay, Carl, I feel like I'm getting your very subtle indication that this is a woman's snack. And it's somehow effeminate of me to be eating so many Tim Tams. No, no, that's fine. They had this quite. Oh, it's fine. No, that's fine. You go on quite... Oh, it's fine. No, that's fine. You go on, dear. You enjoy your little treat.

They had this quite well-known ad for a little while where... What was the ad? The ad was a... The genie one? Yeah, a woman finds a magic lamp and this buff genie comes out and the woman wishes for

a never-ending packet of Tim Tams. And then it was... What was the end of it? Was that, was that, was it, was there some kind of. Did the genie like take his turban off and throw it on the sand? But the funny thing about it was that the, the genie was then, that guy was then in a, in a sort of hip hop group, a rap group that kind of became quite big. Oh, it was Will Smith, right? No, it was MC Scat Cat.

It was one of those genie cats that's able to pick locks and skits us out when it sees another cat. It was actually Captain Steubing Blacked Up before he died. Yeah. Of course. I assumed so. Who knows? He was in a hip-hop group trying to be all kind of, you know,

I'm in a hip-hop group and it was, I think he found it very hard to shake the image of being the genie from the Tim Tams ad. I think it was one of those innovative ads where something really, really great got offered to the girls or Tim Tams. Oh, yeah, that's it. And then they chose the Tim Tams. I thought it was going to go the other way. No, not down here. No. Not down here. No, that's it. And then they chose the Tim Tams. I thought it was going to go the other way.

No, not down here. Not down here. No sirree Bob. Have you tried Vegemite? I have not tried Vegemite. I think Vegemite- The name puts me off, I'll be honest with you. It sounds disgusting.

Well my grandma came up with the name so. Oh, this is- Oh, you guys look alike. He looks like Vegemite? That's weird. I think Vegemite is a classic thing that I think, you know, I think it's a classic thing that I think, you know, I think it's a classic thing that I think, you know, I think it's a classic thing that I think, you know, I think it's a classic thing that I think, you know,

I think it's a classic thing that I think, you know, I think it's a classic thing that I think, you know, I think it's a classic thing that I think, you know, I think it's a classic thing that I think, you know, I think it's a classic thing that I think, you know, I think it's a classic thing that I think, you know, I think it's a classic thing that I think, you know, I think it's a classic thing that I think, you know, I think it's a classic thing that I think, you know, I think it's a classic thing that I think, you know, I think it's a classic thing that I think, you know, I think it's a classic thing that I think it's a classic thing that I think, you know, I think it's a classic thing that I think, you know, I think it's a classic thing that I think, you know, look alike. He looks like Vegemite? That's weird. I think Vegemite is a classic thing that I think, you know, I don't think, you never hear of people coming from overseas and enjoying Vegemite. No. It's only people from Australia who've grown up with it. And we know it's not going to happen because that's always the question.

Oh, you should have some Vegemite. It's like a prank. Yeah. We know the answer. Yeah. Yeah. And what is it exactly? It's a spread, right? know the answer yeah yeah and what is it what is it exactly it's a spread right it's a spread what's it what's it it's yeast extract i stay away from

it yeah i don't i don't know i don't really like it my my so my uh great grandpa kind of invented it and my grandma came up with the name and this is for real this is for real yeah yeah um and i i don't particularly like it and my dad eats a bit of it, but I have a sneaking suspicion that he doesn't really enjoy it that much. But I have loyalty to the family. But grudgingly puts it on his toast every morning. Wow. It's like Mike Nesmith would still drink liquid paper. Still drinks it.

That's right. Even though he doesn't like it. Even though it poisons him. He doesn't like the taste of it, and it does poison him. There's that. Can you remember? Have I talked about this on the show before? No, you haven't.

I'm going to repeat myself. So basically someone in the family many years ago kind of sold the rights off, and then Dad got in touch with the company. So you were not the heir to the Vegemite fortune. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did see a look in your eyes going, maybe I should get a gift. I had Australian dollar signs in my eyes. Absolutely.

I had Australian dollar signs in my eyes. My dad called up the company a few years ago and got to go on a little tour of the factory. I'm so sorry. He called up the company a couple of years ago to tell them, I'm still eating this shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't even like it. So he goes in there and then he came back and they'd given him a show bag of little Vegemite goodies. And he had like a little polar fleece jacket and a little matchbox Vegemite truck that he still just has sitting up in his... That's kind of fantastic.

Did he get to take the boat down the Vegemite river inside the factory? Yeah, the little midgets that make the Vegemite in that house near you. the little midgets that make the Vegemite in that house near you. Now, I hope this does not sound insulting or offensive, but it sounds like your dad is a weakling who just does what his family tells him to do. Dad, go photocopy these Mad Magazine folders. Keep eating Vegemite, even though we don't make a penny from it. I've never thought about it that way, but I guess that's one way of looking at it.

He's just a sniveling, spineless worm. Did I go too far? I don't think you went far enough. No, not at all. Maybe that's fair. Maybe that's fair. Maybe that's fair. Who knows? I don't know.

He doesn't listen to the show. That's for history to decide. He doesn't listen to the show. Has he ever listened to it? I don't know. I don't know that he knows. He told me last night. I saw him last night, and he told me he hadn't. He said, well done on the show. I don't history to decide. But he doesn't listen to the show. Has he ever listened to it? I don't know. I don't know that he knows. He told me last night. I saw him last night and he told me he hadn't.

He said, well done on the show. I don't listen to it. But we made a point. I think the fact that he has to get on to the computer and push two buttons, I think, is too much of that. You would find this weird. Oh, you know what he said? What he said to me?

He said, oh, yeah, I don't listen to the show. I'm not one of those guys that walks around with hearing aids. And I was like, what does he mean? Oh, iPod. iPod, that's what he means. Hearing aids. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a musical hearing aid. But Dad was telling me he was listening to some music at his desk the other day and he

had it coming out of the computer, like he just had it coming out of the speakers. He goes, yeah, because I'm not one of those annoying people that sit in their desk with their headphones in, being really rude, blocking everyone else. I'm like, no, you're that asshole that blasts music out of his computer, annoying everyone else around you, thus making it necessary for other people to wear headphones to block you out. They've probably just got those Sennheiser noise-cancelling headphones with nothing playing through, just one noise. I went to the library yesterday and there was one of those guys, he had headphones on but they clearly weren't plugged in and he had music blaring out so loud in the library and I sat there for five minutes making eye contact with everyone in the library and we were all like,

am I the guy that goes and tells him or what? And it just went on and on for five minutes and meanwhile there was this Bollywood music just... All through the library. I did do that on a train one time. It was, it was like an overnight train trip. And,

um, this guy did not have the, the, the earphone, the headphone jack plugged in all the way into his laptop. And he's watching, he's watching some karate movie. And it's,

it was like, it was like a cartoon. It was so loud and just uh you know crazy noises and everything and he was dead asleep um so i had to i was the one to go over and say your thing is not plugged in all the way or no he wasn't asleep he was he was getting enough noise i'm sure in his mind he was like why isn't this louder yeah why am i not i'm not hearing this as well as i should it's always hard when you've got to be the guy to go to sort of you know pull someone up on something i've come to enjoy it actually really yeah ah yeah i'm still getting stuff done i'm still very i'm too insecure i just

look at the father that raised me what was it my sniveling sniveling spineless worm of a father that's a good name for a festival show my snivelling spineless worm of a father. That's a good name for a festival show. My snivelling spineless worm of a father. I'm hating. Obviously, we've got like a landlord or whatever where I live, and we're getting notes in the mailbox and stuff, complaining about what we do at the moment. And there's like this old busybody that just keeps complaining about us.

What are you doing? Like nothing. Really nothing? You sound a little bit defensive. No, well, we've had complaints about leaving the washing in the washing machine and stuff and I don't do that. And hanging washing on the rails and stuff of the balcony, I don't do that. And she's made up these fake lawyer's letters. Have I talked about this? No. No. She made up a, like, she photocopied some lawyer letter.

Oh, no. And then put it in my mailbox, like, as if lawyers had sent this letter to me to complain about t-shirts being hung over the railings of a balcony. That was coming from a lawyer, except, like, it was all typed up and everything. But then she'd put it in the mailbox, and because she clearly doesn't know what my name is, she's just gone, unit 17 in classic 70-year-old woman script. Right, right. Like somebody at the law office did that and hustled it over there personally. Yeah, I'm like, I know that handwriting.

I've been given birthday cards for years from my grandma. I know who's sending that sort of stuff to me. So, yeah, I just want to find out which unit she lives in now, just so I can photocopy some fake complaint letters to her. Wait, are you saying your grandmother's behind this? No. No, but they all – I don't want to sound racist, but they all write the same, don't they, when you get to a certain age?

They do. They do. Look, some stereotypes are true. Yeah. You're the auntie, my dad. You're standing up for yourself. My dad would just take it. My dad would just burn all his T-shirts, so there's no chance of him ever leaving anything on the line.

He'd find out where she lived and then send a letter of apology. He'd ask for a tour of her house. I did that very stupid thing where I got so mad I threw it all in the bin straight away and went, ah! And then my girlfriend went, so what's the details and what should we be saying in response? I don't know. I don't have any of the letters anymore. I angrily screwed it up and threw it out. I burned it to send a message to any other letters that might be showing up in our letters.

Exactly. I'm sure she will feel that in her water, what I've done. Maybe she was contacting you to complain about me putting her under tiny wings. Maybe that's what was going on. Oh, maybe so. Yeah. That didn't happen. Okay. We'll never know for sure. That that's what was going on. Oh, maybe so. Yeah. That didn't happen. Okay.

We'll never know for sure. That's what's called a block. Yeah. I've got a quote for it. Didn't happen. Awesome improv. That's impossible. It's great to be here at the beach.

We went on to the beach. We're not at the beach. We're in a building. The worst improviser ever. It's a theatre. These people are watching us. Don't lie to these people. They paid money to get in here. I'm just annoyed that this week they didn't leave the football on.

Last week they had the football on in the studio. Yeah. Now, is that the footy? The footy, yeah. The footy. Mate, you've got to go to the footy. Got to go. I would like to go, actually.

We should all go. It's becomey, yeah. The footy. Mate, you've got to go to the footy. Got to go. I would like to go, actually. We should all go. It's become an outing. Bring your wife. We'll bring our girlfriends, you know. Triple date at the footy. Yeah, yeah. And people will think we're a family. Oh, look, those three fathers and three sisters are there.

Yeah, the maker we found out. Guys, that brings us to the end of the program for another week. The time has just flown by. Paul, thank you so much for joining us. Thank you for having me. If you want to see Paul at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival, he is on at 8.30? Yes, Tuesday through Saturday.

Tuesday through Saturday. 7.30 Sundays. 7.30 Sundays until April the 17th. Through April the 17th. Through April the 17th. Yes. Myself and Carl have shows. I'm on until April the 10th. April the 17th yes myself and Carl have shows

I'm on until April the 10th Carl you start on the April 12th April 12th on a Tuesday I'm at the Forum Theatre my show's name is Carl Chandler Jokes

in 140 Characters at 7pm oh yeah very modern yeah it's called Buckwild and it's on at 7.40

until the end it's on the 10th we've also got a live episode of the Little Dumb Dumb Club coming up on that Sunday. Here's your special guest. Can you say? We...

No, we can't. Because you don't have a book yet? Yes. Maybe. But by the time people are hearing this, we will have. So we'd better give it a time. Is it 3 o'clock? 3 o'clock on the Sunday afternoon?

3 o'clock Sunday afternoon, April the 10th at Soft Belly Bar. Free entry, come down. 367 Little Bourke Street? Yep, and it'll be great. We'll have a bunch of different guests and we're going to muck around and it's going to be a great time. Bringing your Team Allsop, Team Chandler paraphernalia. Please do. I would love that so much. Folks, thanks so much for joining us.

Thanks so much to Paul F. Tompkins for being in the Little Dum Dum Club. We are etching your name onto the board as we speak. Look at crash me shit we'll see you next time see you see you much what can i say