The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 27 - Matt Braunger

Episode Date: April 21, 2011

The Ghost on the Toilet, Douche Commercials and Kebab Cameras.... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey everyone, welcome aboard to another edition of the Little Dumb Dumb Club. My name is Tommy Datslow. Sitting opposite me is my co-host Carl Chandler. G'day dickhead. How's it going? Yeah, I'm alright, I'm alright. Yep. As good as you can be in the middle of a comedy festival.

Yeah, yeah, and after we had a few beers last night, that was uh... Yeah, well that made sure I didn't get anything done today. I knew you didn't want to get anything done today, so I kept buying you beers. As much as you kept saying, I've got to go home, I've got to get up and work on my show and get more press, I went, no, you don't. I know you hate doing those things. Consider this my gift to you. Yeah, thanks.

Well, the audience will appreciate your work tonight. They see all the stuff that didn't work last night not work again. Well, I'm going to be in that audience. You better laugh extra hard for that. Oh, well'm going to be in that audience. So it's going to be a – You better laugh extra hard for that then. Oh, well, we'll see how that goes. Yeah. Yeah. Let's crack into it.

We've got a guest today who is a current international guest of the Melbourne International Comedy Festival appearing in the headliner show. You may have seen his work on MADtv. Very happy to have him in here. Matt Bronger, everyone. Hey. Yay. Yay for me. Welcome into the clubhouse. Thank you for having me. here. Matt Bronger, everyone. Yay!

Welcome into the clubhouse. Thank you for having me. How's it been going? Been having good shows over here? Yeah, it's been great. Been really great. I mean, doing shows with Marina Franklin and Sean Patton have been awesome. We're all completely different as performers, so it's been a fun little

mix, and the crowds have been awesome. And is this your first time in the country? Yes, it is. Yeah, wow. So what have you noticed about us? Oh, well, Melbourne's just an amazing place. I mean, it reminds me of some of my favorite cities around the world, like Montreal or San Francisco, you know, just cosmopolitan

and doesn't take itself too seriously. Is this a bid to get a key to the city? No. Let's give it to that guy that brought MADtv down by the horns. We've seen him a couple of times on a thing here and there. Screw it. Let's give it to this guy. That's fine.

Well, let's talk about MADtv for a bit. I guess people know it here, but it was on cable. Yeah, I think it was on pay TV. Yeah, not it was never was it it was on cable i think it was on pay tv yeah but it was it was never a massive thing here so i think people know about it but don't know maybe much about it yeah i mean it was just a it was just a sketch show basically in the vein of saturday night live i mean it was it was in its 14th season it was one of those things that i before i even was on there i was never the biggest fan of it there were certain sketches i really loved but it's bread and butter was just pop culture reference which was just you

know a lot of times like let's make fun of whoever's in the news which it's just kind of a bit of a satirical crutch a lot of times but that's why people watch the show um but uh doing it was a really positive experience it's the only job I've ever had where it's like if you're riffing with your friend uh and then someone will pass you in the hallway and be like, hey, write that up. And you write that down as a sketch and it could possibly get on national television the next week. I don't think I'll ever have a job where that sort of thing will happen again, where I'll write a sketch and then I'll see union teamsters building the set for my sketch. That's the first time I've ever experienced that sort of thing so one minute

you're making a joke about a ghost on a toilet seat while you're having lunch with someone and the next thing you know there's a bloke in a sheet

sitting on a giant fake toilet 15 minutes later that's not the best example that they've gone to the whole trouble of getting a bloke with a sheet over

sure yeah they just threw it over some guy and they're like and you were like oh my god I did this I did it

I did it and then an art director is like I well, what? And you were like, oh, my God, I did this. I did it. I did it. And then an art director is like, I got three toilets for you to look at. Just point at whichever one you think is the best. That also gives an insight into how not good at improv I am. Reaching in my brain, the first silly sketch idea I could come up with was the ghost on the toilet. It's not a bad one, though. It's one of those things where, you know, like a lot of people think that ghosts are merely impressions of very volatile emotional times you know what i mean that's that's why you always see like ghosts of like headless people like a woman that lost her husband wandering

through the across the moors crying like there had to be someone that took a colossal horrific dump and maybe died right then and so they're just cursed to kind of float around finding finding i have to piss so bad but that guy that goes to that fat grimacing man is in on my toilet again always the third full moon always i guess that's the message i'm really trying to get across in my hypothetical sketch i'm just fleshing out your sketch we just collaborate to the toilet yeah we do yeah you know lenny bruce died on a toilet elvis preley died on the toilet. It's an honourable way to go. We're going to walk through the corridors of this studio and there'll be someone building that up right now.

Yeah. The irony of which being that this is a radio program. No one is going to see it. Yep, yep. Yeah, that's amazing commitment though. Yeah. So, MADtv. Now, I've sort of mentioned this a fair few times on our show before

because I'm a massive MAD Magazine fan. Oh, yeah. I was like obsessed. Sure, yeah. I loved it too it too yeah so did you get to meet alfred and human no he just uh he just stays behind his knees the weirdest thing about uh mad tv is that one of the owners executive producers was quincy jones oh really like i don't know how he just like you know he dabbled in television i think he would just i mean of course i never saw the man and neither did anyone else who worked on the show but but I think just a check would go to him that he'd probably wipe his ass with or whatever. Give to his ghost to wipe his ass with.

But it was just such a weird thing. But yeah, I mean, that was the template they went from was the magazine. But I mean, in the earlier incarnations of the show, they'd have spy versus spy, cartoon shorts and things like that. But then that all fell by the wayside by the time I got there. Were they still changing the name of movies to something silly? Yeah. Oh, sure. Oh, good.

That would happen. Absolutely. Thank God. Thank God for that. Everything's okay. Because they've got a new one now that's just come out, a new mad show on Cartoon Network that's all animated. It's all animated. Yeah, it's got nothing to do with Mad TV.

Which sort of seems to be more in the vein of the magazine. Absolutely. Than, you know, doing funny voices and whatever. Yeah. Yeah. Having me, I mean, the weird thing that makes me think of this

is that me and Eric Price were the only two white males on the whole show in the cast. Right. So we had to fill a lot of shoes. So it's one of those things we're having to do like satirical stuff. It's like like, okay, so I'm Nick Jonas. Me? I am? I am.

You know I'm in my 30s, right? Okay. I'm John Mayer? Yeah? Alright. And I remember someone put that sketch up and on like IMDB and someone put like worst John Mayer ever. And I'm like I'm not even logged in,b, and someone put, like, worst John Mayer ever. And I'm like, I'm not even logged in, but I want to write, I couldn't agree more. I could never agree more.

It's not an impersonation contest. You're not showboating about it. Yeah, I guess it was just like, I look slightly more like John Mayer than Eric Price. That was it. That's all it was. What does Eric Price look like? He's just a skinny dude who, like, put it this way, when we did the Andy Griffith show,

CSI, that was basically like CSI but like Andy Griffith show. Do you guys know what that is? Andy Griffith show? Very much. He was like a small town country sheriff. He would just dispense southern wisdom and they wouldn't have ever had actually any crime. And in this one,

Otis, who was like the lovable town drunk, because back then alcoholism was adorable, had like been shot to death or something. He'd been torn apart or something. It was just his body strewn everywhere. And so we kind of had to solve the case. And he played, Eric Price played Don Knotts, who was on the show, who was like the kind of the cat.

Oh, the fuddy-duddy sort of thing. Yeah, well, he got very skinny, like, whoa, Andy! You know, the guy who, like, every time, you're just falling over himself. And so, yeah, so if you know who Don Knotts is, Eric Price could play Don Knotts. He's, like, very skinny and, you know, goofy guy. We're both very goofy, but he was, like, you know, skinny goofy. I was going to say it would be hilarious if the only two white guys I got on the cast both looked the same. If they were both guys with

dark curly hair, dark eyes. If you're ever going to play a ginger or whatever, there's just no one to fill in. We need to do a sketch take off of that movie Powder. Have we got anyone? Have we got anybody? No.

Oh dear. Well they had me play Fred Mertz from I Love Lucy, who was the guy, you know, Ricky Ricardo's neighbor, who's that tiny fat bald man. And Johnny Sanchez played Ricky Ricardo. And Johnny's half my height. And if you watch I Love Lucy, Ricky

Ricardo's way taller than Fred Mertz. So I'm like stooped way over. And you're just thinking the purists are going to go, they're going to lose their minds. IMDB is going to line up with complaints. You didn't hit Fred Mertz with a gamma ray or anything like that. This is inexcusable. So you're saying you worked on it for the last season?

Yeah. Right. And then that's... Then they canceled it. Then they canceled it. Well, I mean, when I got hired, they only ordered half a season, which that's pretty much a death knell if I ever heard one. So it was just like, oh, we're just like, get it while you can.

Let's just have fun while we're here. But that must be because you were saying you weren't – you didn't watch it. You weren't a huge fan of it before. Yeah. So it must make it easy to do knowing that you're not going to be locked into this thing for eight years. That's one reason I think I got hired is because i just would go in there with just confidence

just be like all right i don't like this show yeah i mean not necessarily that i don't like it but it's like you know it's just like the less you want something you know the mess they got the more they kind of want you i mean i had to make up characters to audition and i don't really do characters that aren't from my actual life yeah you know You know, so I had to do that, and it was... I worked really hard to get, you know, to be prepared for these auditions, but at the same time, I'm sure I wasn't sweating like I would have been if I would audition for, say, like, SNL. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I guess it's that thing where, like, you didn't watch Mad TV before you went on it. I did, I did. I mean, there were some sketches that were on there that I loved, like Kenny Rogers' Jackass is still one of the funniest things to me and if you ever saw that was it's will sasso as kenny rogers with his own version of jackass and just he's just horribly drunk and like his the hook is he he he'll do stunts like the young guys because he has you know drunk imperviousness but he's really you can tell he's killing himself

so it's yeah it's very dark. Station management have heard you say that, and they're now trying to get Kenny Rogers in here just because we've had a conversation about it. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, I have a bit about how I was arrested for drunk driving

while wearing a Kenny Rogers T-shirt, which makes me the champion of American white trash. I have the crown and the belt for that. What were you saying? I'm sorry. What I was trying to say, I guess was, uh, if you didn't, if you weren't like a massive fan or you didn't sort of watch it that much or whatever,

is it that sort of thing where now I guess you'll be introduced to, you know, of mad TV. Yeah. And you're like, yeah, but I didn't really. Yeah.

I mean, like, I don't know what I'm trying to, I guess what I'm trying to say is it's not, you mightn't think it's your proudest moment or whatever, but I guess there's that stage where we all start and you have that thing of, Oh, I really like this and I really don't like this. Right. And Oh, this is crap and whatever. So we've worked on TV shows where it's like proudest moment or whatever but i guess there's that stage where we all start and you have that thing of oh i really like this and i really don't like this right and oh this is crap and

whatever so we've worked on tv shows where it's like oh we've worked on this show and then people come up and go that show is crap and it's like yeah yeah but we it was just a job exactly and that's exactly it it's just a job and i you know i i'm not ashamed of it if you know if it uh uh i'm proud of the work we did on there, and it was a lot of fun. It's not as if we were feeding orphans into a furnace or something like that. It's funny, especially among people that don't have any idea what it is to work in the industry. There's a certain level of casual elitism where people kind of think, oh, why would you work on that show?

It's like, so I can eat, so I can pay my rent. I mean, I think obviously there is a line to be drawn. I mean, I stopped doing television commercials when I started doing The Road because, you know, I mean, it was a huge pay cut because I was making good money just doing commercials and stuff. But, I mean, if I can make a living on the road and not have to do, you know, say, a Summer's Eve commercial, which I did. I don't know if that's a feminine deodorant. You guys don't have that here?

No, no, no. I did a douche ad. Yeah, so it's one of those things where I just would kind of just do anything as long as it wasn't, like, I wouldn't do ads for, say, like, Hummer or, like, cigarette ads. Not that they'd have me. They don't hire usually a doughy person to smoke. But, like, you know like it was one of

the it's and it's one of the things you just you do it for the money sure but as long as you're being funny in the ad it's it's an ad for you as much as it is the product in a certain sense i mean so but yeah so why would you not be in these shows it's not like you can people think that artists kind of get a sort of trust fund and can kind of pick and choose which things they won't and will do and of course we can and there is crap that you just probably shouldn't do if you don't have to say like you pick yeah choose and then choosing to not eat for a week right yeah yeah and they've got a sort of an idea where it's like well why don't you just go and audition for sad day not live it's like yeah good idea like i don't know why anyone else didn't

think of that as well that's the mom thing yeah the mom is like well why you know you're funnier than him why don't you go on there yeah you call him when are you going to be on spics and specs why aren't you on spics and specs being a big comedy show yeah yeah that's like oh oh like you're gonna go oh yeah why didn't i think why didn't you ring earlier? Never once occurred to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. But, I mean, you've also made a couple of appearances on the show United States of Tara, which I guess would maybe balance out your indie cred. Right.

That's a popular – people like that show. Sure. I've not seen – actually, my cousin, when we lived together, would watch it a lot, and I actually saw – I actually happened to coincidentally catch an episode that you were in oh yeah but people like that show sure and are you are you a recurring character or did you know i did i did two episodes and that's it right um but i mean you know you do little guest roles i was like i did a thing on pushing daisies and i did a thing on a show called blue mountain state just recently where i got to play the um former uh mascot of a football team who's now disgraced and homeless.

So that was fun. That's awesome. Yeah, I mean, that's the thing you get. Being a character actor, you'll get these little parts that you're like, oh, this is going to be a blast. I'm just going to really sink my teeth into this one. I'd love to do a commercial where I'm a guy just hanging out at a barbecue.

You know what I mean? I want to be that kind of guy in a... I wouldn't cast you as that guy. Why not? What would you cast me as in a commercial? You? Some form of little hobo. Oh, that's good, though.

An adorable hobo. Yeah, yeah. Like with a little bindle, with a little... Yeah, oh, yeah, like an old-timey hobo. Yeah, yeah, walking along the railroad tracks. Sure. I don't know what that would sell. I don't know how that would sell anything.

It could sell little handkerchiefs, because I could have, like, the stick and the hanky kind of hobos going with that. Yeah, but the point of it would be, be like this little hobo. i'm not sure if that's gonna and you could be putting you know like they had those the hobo symbolism where they put like they put symbols on fences and homes do you guys know about that no oh yeah yeah vaguely yeah i think i saw it on little house on the prairie yeah maybe that that too but yeah they had like you know they find it in like steinbeck novels and stuff they'd put like if like he did work for you and then you didn't pay him, get out of here,

you dirty hobo. He would put a thing on your fence that meant untrustworthy. So hobos would be like, let's break this guy's window or whatever. So you could be putting symbols

like this guy bought the right house paint or whatever. We need to bring that back. Like just if you go to a cafe and they're a bit rude to you, there's like a sign that you can just put.

Yeah, like an underground thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like something that says no listing of the actual codes online. Oh, yeah. But people that matter are just like, oh, yeah, screw that place. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would like to do a beer commercial. Beer commercials generally, like the big beer companies.

But again, you look 13. You are not going to do a beer commercial. But maybe that can be like, maybe I can be like at the start of the ad, like I get carded and I don't get let in. And then it's like me dreaming, like how good would it be to be overage and be able to drink? And then cut to you playing an older version of me in the pub getting pissed. That's not going to work. That'd be great.

No, what you can do the commercial of would be the don't underage drink ad. It'll be you sitting on your dad's knee going, come on, dad, let me have a sip. Okay. And then just you driving off a bridge or something. I do one of them. There's that whole thing about how they had an ad campaign here a little while ago about violence against women. And it was all, it was like men talking to the camera and going, you know, sometimes

she's just asking for it or whatever. And apparently the guys in those ads got paid a lot of money because you're having to pretend that you've hit a girl around a week. People see you in the street and go, oh, you're that guy that people can't distinguish between reality and an ad campaign. Again, it's like we're talking about, well, why didn't you just play a guy that was good instead of a guy that... Yeah, when your mom sees that one.

Especially if you're riding a horse in a herpes ad, like that Valtrex. Even Ed Fuller. You guys have those ads here? It's this drug called Valtrex. There's a girl and a boy, and one of them will be like, I have herpes.

And the other one will be like, and I don't. And we want to keep it that way. And they're horseback riding on the beach. It's this drug that keeps your herpes in remission and the hack joke that I've heard a hundred times is

people are like, oh I wanted to go horseback riding on the beach and play tennis and laugh with my girlfriend but I don't have herpes because on that ad it presents it as if, man, your life is the best when you've got the herp the herp is that a popular slang for it in the States? your life is the best when you've got the herp. The herp. Yeah. Is that a popular slang for it in the States?

The herp. That's introducing herpes. That's introducing herpes to Gen Y. Yeah, yeah. The herp. I would do like an STD commercial. You know, I'd be those guys on the billboards like, oh, get yourself checked out.

Basically what I'm trying to say is I'd do anything for money if you are listening. I just want to do like a realistic one where like a guy's like walking through like a shopping mall and he's like, oh, my crotch. It's just like bad flare-ups. Not even hiding it, like just gripping his groin and punching the wall while people go around him. What about a combination herpes STD where he's like riding a horse and then he falls off because his balls hurt so much? Al, get me off the horse. Why? Why am I riding bareback?

And then what if the horse is like Mr. Ed style, starts talking to the camera? Yeah. That is one inflamed crotch. I can feel it from here. Oh, wow. We've got to, before we put this podcast online, we've got to mail a recording of this to ourselves. So if anyone takes that ad and puts it on the TV. Sure, sure, sure.

Yeah. It's out there. So you were saying you did a douche commercial. Did a douche ad. Talk us through it. Well, okay. I mean, I did a bit about it on my album that will be better than this. But basically, it's me and I'm looking in the – they had me – we filmed in a house in Albuquerque, New Mexico.

And that was my roommate at the time's favorite line. I said, he's like, what are you up to this weekend? I'm like, flying to Albuquerque, doing a douche ad. All right, yeah, sure, of course. So they filmed us in this house, and I, and they're shooting me looking in the mirror, and I'm buttoning my shirt up, and I just improvise. They're just like, improvise lines like you're going out with your wife. And I was like, you know, like, hope they have meatloaf.

I don't know. Glenn's always making homemade pizzas. Kind of tired of it. You know, just stuff like that. And they went with hope they have meatloaf in the ad so the ad opens you're like what

and my wife comes in and the woman they cast is my wife just like super hot like they always you know cast a schmuck like me with the hottest woman

you've ever seen like the Flintstones motif and so she's like you have a stain on your shirt and I'm like ah and she leaves

and I don't want to change my shirt because I'm somehow you know like that I your shirt. And I'm like, ah, and she leaves. And I don't want to change my shirt because I'm somehow, you know, like that. I'm such a child. I can't change my shirt. Yeah, exactly. They're lazy and dumb. So I throw a tie on over the shirt.

It's not even a shirt you'd wear a tie with to cover the stain. And I look at her like, eh, right? This works. And she comes back in with another shirt, throws it at me. I catch it. And I'm like, meh, like sad. And the screen says, women know what's best. Summer's Eve.

That's the whole ad. They don't show the product, nothing. And I'd have like friends, like stoner friends that would watch soap operas during the day when that ad would show. Because these friends don't have jobs because they're stoners. And they would call me and be like, were you just in a really crappy sketch? What was that? They think like it's just a random comedy sketch that just popped up. It's never from the product or anything.

A live comedy sketch in between. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I somehow got an interstitial right in the middle of the day. It's a three-minute show you're doing. Uh-huh, yeah. So that was just one of those random. I mean, I did that. I did an ad where I'm running down the street with a pack of dogs after a steak.

I did a beer ad where I – Is that what, an ad for steak? No, that was for Golden Corral Buffet Restaurants. Right. Which is – it's a real garbage fire to eat at in America. The message there is come to our restaurant and dogs will just start chasing you down the street. Oh, yeah. It's like the men are like dogs.

We're going to run after meat is what we're going to street. Oh, yeah. It's like the men are like dogs. We're going to run after meat. That's what we're going to do. Right, right. I did a beer ad for Miller Lite where we thought – it starts raining, and we're so used to light beer, we think the rain is beer. So all the men run outside, and I started drinking beer off a car. What? It's all dignified stuff, you guys. I mean, it's really Royal Shakespeare type stuff.

Well, unless you get ads because that's the thing i i regularly this agency has my number and just keeps calling me in just to humiliate me because i just go in and make a fool of myself and go i'm not getting this am i no you're not all right i'll see you next time yeah it's just that it's that you know there might be embarrassment in doing ads but there's more embarrassment in not even getting to do them oh man i mean i i i when i first started auditioning i went in for and again it's just something i've referenced in a joke before but it's a real experience i went in and it's when i just started out and you know in in la when you go in that's the thing i don't miss about auditioning you'll go in just like it's

like a cattle call there's like 30 people ahead of you and i went in i didn't know what the role was for and i was like hey i i i i'm here for this audition i don't know what i'm auditioning for can you tell me what role? And she said, oh, what's your name? And I said, Matt Bronger. She said, oh, yeah, here you are. And by the way, she's a very attractive girl with the clipboard. And she's like, here you are, Matt.

You're here for the role of unattractive man. True story. And I, like, to my face. And, like, I was like, ugh, like made a noise. Like it just came out of my face. It was like I got a punch to the solar plexus. And, I mean, the role was just for a guy that keeps bothering a girl at a gym. And it was for the AARP, Association of Retired Persons.

And it was like saying, because there was a movement for a while to repeal Social Security, which was stupid and insane. And the ad was, this guy keeps hitting on her. She keeps saying no. And it was like, a bad idea idea is a bad idea no matter how many times you bring it up so this guy just keeps going hey gorgeous you know while she's in the treadmill and stuff so he's unattractive because the way he acts but that's still the name of the role yeah and the funnest thing to me was when i was just like all right fine here's my headshot i'll sit down and then every guy after me what's the role come on Like every one of them reacting so violently and just so hurt.

You will be reading the role of Sex Pest One. Yeah. Okay, you're going to hear the role of the man no woman ever wants inside of her. It's very specific. I actually have always wanted that when there'll be someone in a movie who's obviously the joke is, look at this bloody bush pig over here, you know, and just being that actress or whatever that has to get that call and go in. I am fascinated by that too.

Yeah. How do you pitch that? Because sometimes, like, people get rejected for being that role as well. Yeah. Like, you're not even good enough to be a movie ugly person. But I guess you could then convince yourself of if it's meant to be an ugly person, you don't get the role, you could be like, I'm too hot.

I'm too good looking. Yeah, you almost don't want to get that where it's like, it's a thing of like, a drunk guy, this is what he sees and it's like a super hot person but this is who it is

and it's you. Like, you're the ugly one when her drunken haze wears off. You're the guy she wakes up with and screams. That'd be an awesome pick up line to go. It's just say, hey,

I've gone for so many roles where you've got to be ugly and I haven't gotten any of them. Yeah. So you should be interested. What's the thing that's gone around the internet? The saddest page on IMDB. And it's this, I forget her name,

but it's, it's a woman and she's got one credit on there and it's in some obscure movie that no one's ever heard of. And it's clearly a little bit part and the name of the character is woman who wets herself that's the only role she's ever done that's like the most oh that's rough i would like to see her show real yeah yeah it's the same scene over and over it's like wait a minute why did you? Why is it just that scene? There's one that's on loop, and then there's one where they've slowed that scene down.

Yeah. Like, it's just two and a half to ten minutes. I pissed myself. Oh, I pissed myself. It's actually useless because she brings it to auditions. It's like, that's just a close-up of a crotch. That could be anyone's crotch. That could be anyone's urine.

She just shows up to the audition and pisses herself. Remember? No. No one knows what that's referencing at all. Oh, this isn't an audition. I'm sorry. Look, it was from a movie that I was in where I peed myself. Just the idea that the agent has gone to her.

Now, look, I know on paper it doesn't sound like that glitzy, but this is going to mean good things. Good things are going to happen because of this. And then five minutes later she's in there for more meetings and he's just like, look, I was wrong. Who'd have thunk that girl who pisses herself would have been the kiss of death? I stand corrected. Say, hey, sometimes it's fool's gold, babe.

You know what I mean? Not the real thing. My fault. Yeah, but next time a girl pissing themselves bit comes up, it's like, well, you're the go-to one. Oh, you're the go-to. Because you've got the runs on the board. Oh, but what if you don't get that? That's even sadder.

Yeah. Someone else whoops in. A younger pisser. Yeah. Pardon the phrase. A younger pisser. I actually, I mean, I used to work as a production assistant for a company that did reality television. It was one of the worst jobs I ever had.

But all I did was get people's lunches and stuff. But there are guys in Hollywood, if you wonder, because anytime someone's on a TV show, be it cops, be it what have you, Rock of Love, anything where some people are puking on themselves, they have to sign a release saying, it's cool, put it on there. Most of them have to sign it at the beginning. No, you're right. Sometimes they do prank shows where someone is really embarrassed and they look like crap and they still have to sign the thing.

Sometimes they haven't signed it, so sometimes people get punked and they don't even get to use it. There are people, I'd say roughly five to ten guys, that their whole job is convincing people to sign those things. They're just amazing slicksters. They're just like, listen, yeah, you shit your pants. It happens.

I did it when I was a kid. You puked on yourself. Look, between you and me, this is how George Clooney got started. Hand to God, man. Hand to God. That's funny because there will be a sketch like that. Oh, not a sketch, like a scene like that. And there'll be like someone not pixelated

and then someone pixelated. It's like, why did you convince one guy and not the other? Why did the other guy go, yeah, yeah, that's cool. Yeah, that last guy wouldn't go for it. I told you, give him more rum. Yeah. Particularly for like an MTV or VH1, they, once they get content like that, they replay everything a hundred times. Oh, give them more rum. Yeah. Particularly for like an MTV or VH1, once they get content like that, they replay everything a hundred times.

Oh, it'll never stop. It'll never end. Yeah. And you get nothing. They pay you once. After taxes, it's just nothing. Yeah. And then you're in perpetuity.

I'm not even saying that word. Am I saying that word? Perpetuity? Perpetuity. Forever. Yeah. You're basically on therepetuity. Forever. Yeah. Forever and ever. Yeah.

You're that guy, you know, that you could, you know, move on to a successful career as a lawyer or something and get married and then someone will be at your wedding like, hey, man, didn't you shit yourself? Shitsy. Yeah, you did, didn't you? Yeah, that is just. Hey, all right. Yeah, that is horrendous.

I remember you were on after an episode of MASH one night when I got home from the bar. Thanks for the laughs, man. So, hey, speaking of bodily functions, I wanted to bring this up to you because you've got a stand-up CD available on iTunes called Soak Up the Night, which I have and I enjoyed it very much. Thank you, man.

One thing I wanted to mention that I enjoy about the CD, I think you do one of the best fake vomit noises of anyone that I've ever heard. Who's the top five, by the way? You know, honestly, my friend Pete, I've always thought he was the number one with a bullet. And then, Matt, I haven't told you this yet. Knocked him off his lofty pedestal. You've knocked him off his lofty pedestal.

Well, I kind of cartoon it up. You do, but that's the aim to it. That's the goal. That's what makesy pedestal. You've knocked him off his lofty pedestal. Well, I kind of cartoon it up. You do, but that's the aim to it. Right. That's the goal. That's what makes it so grand. Yeah. I mean, I have a bit now where I do it a lot called The Sound. The sound a person's body makes to let the people around them know they're about to puke.

Yeah. And it's basically a combination of a gulp, a sigh, and a swallow. Yeah. So when you hear someone, like you're in a bar, and you hear someone go, ugh, you know, you're like, oh, that's going to happen. And then I do the vomiting thing. But, yeah, it's almost a person yelling while they're vomiting. Yeah, yeah. So it's like – because when you're – it's almost expressing what you're feeling,

which is, oh, please no. Why? Please no. Why is this happening? Yeah, yeah. I mean, a friend of mine who's also a comic, we just make each other laugh by being a guy who either has to vomit or fart really bad and before it happens he just out loud goes please no please god no no not now no no you know like one of

those things where it's just like he's begging him the lord and himself to not have it happen so we always have these setups like oh uh well it's a pleasure to meet you mr richardson your uh your daughter and i have been dating for a couple months. Oh, God, please not. Oh, wow. You know. Yeah. That is the dumbest, dumbest bit.

But it always makes us laugh. Yeah, me and my friend are obsessed with the things that people say right before they vomit. Right. Because it's at the end of the night where it starts just clearly going haywire. Because there's always a little burp right before it happens. Oh, God. Oh, did he see me? Did Sean see me? Oh, you know. I just hold gone haywire. Because there's always a little burp right before it happens. Oh, God. Oh, did he see me? Did Sean see me?

Oh, you know. I just hold back my hair. And we sat at a party once, my friend Kate and I, doing this back and forth to each other for about half an hour. And I think we actually made someone physically sick. So convincing, were we? Because I think we'd also, we'd drunk a lot at the time. And I think everyone around thought, this is pretty quickly going to go from fake vomiting

noises to, they're going to hit the gag reflex or whatever, and they're actually going to end up vomiting. Uh-huh. But no, we were in control. We knew what we were doing. Nice. That was part of growing up for me, I think. Because, you know, when you were a kid, I couldn't think of anything worse than vomiting.

Oh, yeah. When you were vomiting, you were doing that. I would always be like, no, no, oh, it's more, no, and like crying and vomiting. And now it's sort of like, I'm a big boy. I can do this. Yeah, I can do this. You just bend at the waist. It's out.

You're good. I get into it when I feel like I've had a big night and the next day I'm like, oh, this is happening. Yep. I reckon this is, I get into it. There it goes. There's a bit of celebration. It's leaving.

Yeah, I don't know if that's good. Well, because once you, no, because when you're a kid, you vomit because you're sick. You're sick. Whereas, you know, generally as an adult, you're vomiting because you've been drinking. And if it's the next day, you know that once you vomit, you'll feel better instantly. Yeah, of course. Which is why I kind of get into it. Yeah, right.

I'm like, oh, how good is this going to be? Yeah. So I imagine, like how long. It's medicine time. Yeah. At what point of your life Did you refine The cartoonish Fake vomit noise

Because I was going to say If that's a thing You've been able to do Your whole life That must have made you Very popular as a kid Yeah It's a rule

A lot of my stuff Is stuff I Or not a lot But a good portion Of the stuff I was doing Like around friends As a kid anyway Yeah

Like junior high And stuff And like You know With the vomit thing What it was And I still do this around friends, is just be like hanging out and suddenly make the vomit noise and just like slide my hand down my face and chest.

Like I just puked, you know, like, because that always made me laugh. The idea of it just hitting someone, like not even the, oh, oh God, God's coming. But just like hanging out and being like, yeah, probably go to the Cubs game. Oh God. Oh, I'm so sorry. Where he suddenly just pukes on whoever's in front of him or something. And that's a bit I've been doing since I was 12 or 13. Right.

And then once you started, Sam, it's like, right, how many ways can we shoehorn the vomiting in? Yeah. What will it fit in? Well, into MADtv, because we talked to Paul F. Tompkins a couple of weeks ago and we remarked upon how the vomit in Mad magazine always has fish skeletons in it. Yes. So you could have wedged that in.

Absolutely, absolutely. Yeah, yeah. I forgot about that. Big, old fish bone. Yeah. Entirely whole. Yeah. Why?

Why is it completely together and why did you eat the whole fish? And I liked particular cartoonists would put, if this was their sort of pizzazz, if they were into that, they'd put a little face on the fish bone. You know, sometimes the fish bone would be like, he'd have a little sad look on his face like, I'm in someone's vomit. That's a very, that's only the particular type of, not everyone bothered doing that, but I like that little attention to detail, you know? Yeah, or with X's for eyes, which means drunk or dead, one of the two.

With a skeleton, it means weird, because there's no need for an X on a skeleton. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, it's dead. There's no living tissue on it. There's just a hole. Anytime someone in a cartoon has X's for eyes, that's fucking, that's when you know. If only real life were that easy. You know what I mean?

Like, if that happened in real life, like if someone, if I just saw exes on your eyes right now, I'd go, oh Jesus, Chandler's not looking good. That would be good for, you know,

police for drunk drivers because if you pull over someone and someone's got ex for eyes. No breathalyzer. Yeah. Take those sunglasses off. Be good at like, way to dissuade your friends

that want to drive drunk. Like, your eyes are exes, Gary. Get out of the car. Look in the mirror. I can't. Yeah. Figure out a way to dissuade your friends that want to drive drunk. Like, your eyes are X's, Gary. Get out of the car. Look in the mirror. I can't. Yeah. That's a consonant, not a vowel.

That's not an O. That's an X. Yes. And also, like, if you, you know, so like if you sort of, it would be a good way of knowing who your true friends are. So let's say if I said to you, Carl, oh, I've just won the lottery, and you were just like, hey, great, I'm really happy for you, then I'd be like, we're a true friend.

But if all of a sudden your eyes were just dollar signs, like, oh, Chandler's just at me for my coin, not a true friend. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? Right. You've just turned into a lollipop in his eyes. Sucker. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

That's how you know you're hungry. It's just like if there was a giant chicken drumstick sitting here talking to me. Yeah, That's how you know You're hungry Is this like If there was a Giant chicken drumstick Sitting here talking to me Yeah that's the drumstick Is when you're hungry Sucker is when you just Fell for something really bad

Yeah yeah yeah How much better would it be If life was a cartoon That would be pretty good That'd be amazing I mean you could run people over Which would be the best Steamrollers would be

A lot more popular Yeah yeah I remember being obsessed With the idea of like How good it would be If there was one day That you Like when I was a kid I so badly wanted to be like a robot or a cartoon character for a day.

Just so you could go and like properly fuck yourself up. Like if you were invincible for a day. Like you just walk into the street, get hit by a car. Just to know what it feels like to get hit by a car. Yeah. Well, I loved how in Who Framed Roger Rabbit, how it was just like known. If you went into Toontown,, humans die in Toontown. You won't last five seconds because anvils just fall, cars come out of nowhere,

and cartoons get hit and they're just like, whoa, and birds around their head. They're fine. But that is instant death for a human being. I thought that was so genius. When I was a kid, I got obsessed by the idea of watching Popeye and then just pleading with my mother to get me spinach. Oh my god, same. And what a horrible life lesson

that was. My mom wouldn't let me watch Popeye. Oh really? You could say your mom would let you eat spinach. No, no. They would force feed me spinach, ironically. But yeah, just because it was that violence solves everything in Popeye. You know what I mean? If you're like three years old, yeah. Yeah, just because it was that violence solves everything in Popeye. You know what I mean?

If you're like three years old, yeah, yeah, just eat spinach and punch that guy right in the face. I'll be fine. I had a teacher when I was in year six who was anti The Simpsons. Wouldn't let you read The Simpsons comic books. Wouldn't let, like if he found out that you were watching it at home, he'd, like, talk to your parents and go, it's not suitable. It's not suitable for kids of that age. Like, it's on at 6 p.m.

Like, I think the TV stations have worked out what's okay and what's not. Yeah. And he was just, he was so hated. He was so viciously hated. Yeah, I'm sure he just saw something that offended him once on it and was like, nah. I don't know what his deal was, but I had a bit of a thing with him where, like, you know, so like sometimes teachers that you didn't like

at school that you were maybe a bit of a dick to and then when you grow up and you'd bump into them again and you'd sort of have that, oh, hey, whatever, you know, I was a kid and you were just doing your job and you kind of, but him, I saw him when I was like 19 or whatever and I just couldn't get over that because I was like, you're probably ruining it.

You're probably getting through. There are probably some parents out there that are actually banning their kids from watching The Simpsons as a result of his shitty advice. Well, I used to look, I don't know if I've said this before, I used to look forward to dreaming about a teacher of mine just so I could give him the bird in my dream and get away with it. That's great. That is looking forward to a dream.

It's something that you have no control over whatsoever. The image of you in bed in your full Jimmy Jam is just going, please, let this be the night. Please. And I know if that was me, he would show up in the dream and be like, yeah, he's here. Well, fuck, what was I going to do? Yeah.

Oh, damn it. And he'd be gone. I'd wake up and be like, boom, when's that going to happen again? You know there's that thing like certain types of cheese make you have weird dreams. You hear that? Cheese makes you have weird dreams. You're just eating different things before bed every night, trying to hit the right combination

to fire your brain up. Yeah. Yeah. That happened the other night. I ate a shitload of cheese before bed and then just had these wacky dreams. I wouldn't do that. I had a friend who, you guys don't have Taco Bell here, right? We have Taco Bill. Bill. I actually tried to go there. It was crowded. I had a friend who, you guys don't have Taco Bell here, right? We have Taco Bill.

Bill. I actually tried to go there. It was crowded. I was like, oh, really? Okay. It's like the size of a shoebox. No, but there's a chain that's like really horrible, pseudo-Mexican food. Is that the place where the little dog is their mascot?

Yeah, exactly. The Chihuahua. And a friend of mine, it's delicious when you're drunk, but a friend of mine was like, you ever get really drunk and then really high and eat a bunch of Taco Bell and go to sleep and have really weird dreams? Like, probably, but, like, why is that? What would you think would happen if you got hammered and stoned and then ate a bunch of crap?

Like, you're not going to have, you know, slept so pleasantly. You probably didn't need the Taco Bell element to it anyway. You can cut that out of the question. Exactly. That's something that we don't really have in Australia. There is Mexican food, but it's not on the scale of the States or anywhere else. I mean, Taco Bell is like chain Mexican. It's like McDonald's Mexican.

We barely have any of that stuff. We barely have. There are a couple, but not as widespread. I do find that funny. We've got Taco Bill instead of Taco Bell. Yeah, that made me laugh when I saw it. Is that meant to be the same thing? Yeah, I think it's all the same branding and everything.

Sort of like how Hungry Jack's was like the Australian Burger King. Exactly. Yeah, have you seen that? I have. I have. And then for a little while, for some weird reason, Burger King was here as well. Coexisting in the same city.

Yeah. It's amazing. And it's weird because they've got the exact same logo. It's just the writing in between the buns. Yeah. And I was like, oh, so that's what's going to happen. I guess they bought Burger King out here now and then that will just take over Hungry Jack's. And then it just somehow, Jack was too mighty.

And there was a little time before that where it's, you know, like the whole international sort of deal, so you can still go by American law if you're at the airport or whatever, like with the consulate at the airport or whatever it is. It's like you go under international law while you're at the airport. Do you know that thing? No. It's not like Australia. If you're at the airport, that's not Australia, I believe.

Interesting. It's like it's international hub or whatever. You're buying some shit for the trip home, aren't you? No, I just don't, I'm curious. Like, what would that entail? What can you do in America that you can't? Well, this is the one thing that I, the one thing I took away from it, because they used to have Burger King at the airport, but nowhere else in the whole country.

It's the only place it exists. Oh, that's funny. Well, the same, yeah, Krispy Kreme, for ages, the only one in Australia was at Sydney Airport. Oh. That was like the real treat if you were to come back from Sydney. Yeah, so if someone was going to Sydney, it was like, can you get Australia was at Sydney Airport. Oh. That was like the real treat. Yeah. So if someone was going to Sydney, it was like, can you get me some donuts? Yeah, yeah. Really?

That's the only thing you want from all of Sydney? And it's at the gate? Yeah. Yeah. Do you ever put a Krispy Kreme in the microwave for like two or three seconds? Oh, no. Unreal. Really?

It happens. It lightly melts it. Right. So it's warm. It's just the same, but it's warm. And it's still got that crunchy frosting. And then you fuck it? Is that?

Then you put your dick right in the middle. And then you have someone eat it off. And they have the time of their life. Now, that's an ad. Yeah. That is a commercial. Yeah, exactly. I'd be that kind of commercial.

That is the one credit. Donut dick. Go. Do you guys have the Krispy Kreme cheeseburgers? No. Oh, my God. That sounds awesome. God.

Talk us through it. This is the wonder. This is the wonder and the splendor of fat America. We've just gotten the Double Down Burger, so we're just coming to grips with that. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. The KFC thing.

Yeah. Yeah, it's the official burger of, oh, God. Heart attacks? It's the official burger of, oh, God. No, it's, I think, in the St. Louis stadium for the Cardinals. I could be wrong. But it's basically two Krispy Kremes, and in the middle is a cheeseburger. Oh, really?

Yeah. I mean, I've never had one. It seems like one of those things where it's just like, I can eat that and then lettuce the rest of the month. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just one of those things. Like, gee, good God, man. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just one of those things. Like, gee, good God, man. Yeah.

You know? Or you know what? No, maybe it's not two. I think it's one cut in half with a cheeseburger in the middle. Right. You guys do do bad food very well. I mean, that's the cliche about America, but it is true. I think I've had the best three burgers of my life in America. Yeah.

We're good at those. Yeah. I mean, especially in the last five years people are really going nuts like yeah and it's getting to this frankenstein point where it's like this has nothing to do with taste this is it almost just seems like doing it to go yeah we've done this hey what do you think about that yeah here's proof that we're idiots yeah yeah yeah it's like i used to do shit like that when i was a kid you know like you'd make spaghetti sandwiches or whatever sure and it's like it's like all the people in charge of these corporations are like five years five year olds just like's like all the people in charge of these corporations are like five-year-olds.

Yeah, yeah. Or like unemployed students in a share house. All their mom and dads have gone to work and so they've cooked this up. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah. The grilled cheeseburger, which is two grilled cheese sandwiches for buns. Oh, what? Oh, my God almighty.

Yeah, no. I mean, it's like you can't make this stuff up. It's real. Yeah. Like you could go as far as you want. Someone makes it. Yeah, no, I mean, it's like you can't make this stuff up. It's real. You could go as far as you want. Someone makes it. Yeah, that is the thing. You don't want to joke about it because it's like, then tomorrow it'll happen. Right.

Two grilled cheeses with a cheeseburger in the middle and half a pig, and then you dip the whole thing in mashed potatoes and fry it. And it's just a big fried ball. Someone probably makes that. Yeah. The worst thing about it is that's such a horrific image, but we are probably thinking that sounds... I want a bite.

I want someone to buy it so I can have a bite or two. This is like Mad TV. You're talking about it now, and someone's out in the kitchen just cooking it up for us. Great idea. Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like I've got to point something out.

I saw on Twitter, I think when you guys, because you're part of the Headliner show during the Comedy Festival, where, for those that don't know, the Comedy Festival brings out sort of a rotating roster of American acts. And there was one group of dudes here for a week. Sorry, a couple of weeks they've now gone and you've swapped over. And I did see when you guys got down here on Twitter, you were looking for restaurant recommendations. And I believe Tom Segura recommended Stalactites as a great place to go.

Now, I don't know where he's gotten this intel from, but Stalactites is a place that you go at three in the morning when you're pissed because you can get a kebab and it's open all night. It is not a place that anyone goes and eats lunch at during the day when there's other stuff open. I just saw him put that, and I thought he's gotten some bad intel on that one. That's what the info was that I got.

After you're drunk, go here. Yeah, okay. To me, it looked like you guys were going to rock up there at lunchtime and go, table for four, please, and they'd just be going, are you kidding? Yeah, you're a little early and a little too sober. Yeah, go back, have a couple jars, come back in. Go back when you've got a stop sign on you. Yeah. When you have a black eye, you have no idea how you got, bring it, come on in.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. When you're going to vomit, that's when you want a bit of stalactites. Exactly. Yeah. I know we got into a fight out the front of stalactites because it was 4 a.m., I was out the front with my girlfriend and we were eating a kebab. And I was on my phone, and this guy in a group standing nearest comes over to me and goes, it's not very nice, is it?

And I'm like, what, the kebab? And he goes, no, you know. I'm like, I don't reckon I have any idea what you're talking about. He's like, you've been filming me on your phone. That's just not good, is it? And I'm like, what? I'm like, are you kidding? What? And he's like, it's not a's just not good, is it? And I'm like, are you kidding? What?

And he's like, it's not a good thing to do, is it? I'm like, what do you think I've been filming? And he's like, just me having a conversation. I'm like, now take what you've just said and ask yourself why anyone would want to bother filming your conversation. And he's like, whatever, man. I just walked off. Wow.

Weird thing to fucking. Did you have a kebab phone with a camera in it that you were just filming? I was filming it. To be fair, I was filming it. You can only eat half of it because the rest is all electronics. Yeah. Did you have headphones on and a crew? Was there a guy holding a boom mic over his head?

Yeah. Yeah, I had to get. You know what? You know what your mistake? Having a best boy there. Yeah, well. Dolly grip. And then I had to go up and get him to You know what your mistake? Having a best boy there. Yeah, well... Dolly Grip. And then I had to go up and get him to sign a release and go,

how good is it going to be when you show up on the TV? Look, I didn't film you. Just sign this. This is how George Clooney got started. Video of him eating a kebab in the street. Now shit your pants. I thought you were pissing yourself. That's why I was filming you.

I'm sorry. Well, guys, that brings us to the end of the program for another week. Thanks so much, Matt Bronger, for coming in. Thanks for having me, guys. It was a blast. It's been heaps of fun. You can check him out in the Headliners show at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. You can also find his CD, Soak Up the Night, on iTunes.

That's it for us for another week. My show's still on. Oh, Carl Chandler jokes in 140 characters at the Forum Theatre as part of the Comedy Festival in Sydney between the 19th and 24th of April. You can see me and Carl at all the Forum Theatre as part of the Comedy Festival in Sydney between the 19th and 24th of April. You can see me in Colorado at a show called

Buckwild. We'll see you next week. Thanks very much for joining us. See you, mate. See you, mate. See you.