The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 28 - Daniel Townes

Episode Date: April 26, 2011

The Bench of Defeat, Little Lesbian Dassalo and The James Bond Reboot. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey, mate. Welcome inside the inner sanctum of the Little Dum Dum Club for another week. My name is Tommy Dasolo and sitting opposite me is my co-host, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. Hey, mate. How you doing? Yeah, I'm all right. You good today? It's a very nice day. We just had our fill of fish and chips over the road from the Osterio Studios. I would say that's the nicest meal that we've ever had before this podcast.

It's the biggest. Yeah. I don't know I'll contribute anything this week. I just had rice, chips, fish, potato cakes. Yeah. Yeah. So you had a meal that came with the option of chips or rice. You've gone for both with the side salad.

Halfway through your meal, you've gotten up. I'm thinking I was going to get another drink or get a new napkin. Come back with a bloody tray of potato cakes. Yep. And a bit of tartare sauce. Man, and then after that, you've gone into Coles and gotten yourself a choccy bar. I've got myself a three-ply bounty bar for $1.79. This is, wow.

I watched a friend of the show, Drew Thornton, eat an entire tub of take-home chocolate ice cream once. Really? And then the next day I was saying to him, man, I cannot believe that you put that away. That is an insane effort. And then he just looks at me and goes, stop by Mac. Hasn't got a Big Mac meal on the way home too. I was like, how are you not dead? It's good.

Eating's good. Eating is great. Yeah, that sort of stuff, ice cream. Is it the worst thing you can eat? Ice cream? I think it is the worst thing you can eat in the world. Pretty close to. You feel pretty bad after it.

Yeah. I get like those four packs of drumsticks you can eat in the world. Pretty close to. You feel pretty bad after it. Yeah. I get like those four packs of drumsticks and put them in the fridge and go, that'll do for a week slash three hours. Yeah. I've never been a big ice cream guy. We haven't even introduced the guest and we're talking about food. Yeah, I got heaps of stuff on there. Shut up.

Who are you? Hey, I just want to say a quick thank you and hello to any new listeners that we may have picked up over the last couple of weeks with our interviews with Tompkins and Mark Maron. And who may have already tuned out now after the first two minutes. Yeah. And also I do want to say that never fear. A few people, fans of the show,

someone came up to me in the street last night and said, hey, I love the podcast. What's going on? You haven't been saying hey, mate, in the last couple of episodes. Where's that gone? So I just wanted to reassure people that it is back and it is back to stay. So don't freak out. Don't think we've gone changing on you. All right, let's get into it. Our guest today is a good buddy of ours from Sydney. He's in town for the Melbourne International

Comedy Festival. Would you please make welcome to the little dum-dum club, Daniel Towne. Yay! Am I allowed to talk now? You're allowed to talk now. You've been welcomed in. Awesome. Yeah, because that was great. You've signed in on Foursquare. You to talk now? You're allowed to talk now. You've been welcomed in. Awesome. You've signed in on Foursquare. You can talk now. I checked in.

That was a bit weird before because you were talking and it's like, I've got so much stuff on this. All right, what have you got on the fish and chips? Well, nothing now. So you were just going to say that I got a potato cake too. The moment's gone. It's like, I can talk about junk. Well, because you were devastated when we walked in there because you thought

we might not be eating and you'd gotten yourself a lot of the fries on the way in. Yeah, I'd already had a mega burger. Yeah. A mega burger. A mega burger. A mega spicy burger. What makes a mega? Just like a Big Mac.

There's three bits of bread. Three bits? I've never had a Big Mac. Me either. But I know it's got three bits of bread. Right. You've done your homework. They're probably different in Victoria.

I've been in a McDonald's. Yeah, I don't think so. Okay. I still look at like desperation. I don't like the sauce. I've been in a McDonald's. Yeah, I don't think so. Okay. I still look at desperation. I don't like the sauce. I don't like the sauce either. I don't like mac sauce. It's like sugar sauce.

Yeah, it's disgusting. I don't like it. I take it off. There's cheeseburger-flavoured twisties at the moment. Really? Which is bizarre because the flavour of it is that exact rank McDonald's flavour. So it's a McDonald's cheeseburger? Yeah.

It's a mix of the pickle and the sauce, and the special sauce is the flavor of this. The bits I get rid of in a cheeseburger. Exactly. The bits that no one likes is what they've gone and made these twisties out of. It's bizarre. Yeah, it's bizarre. It does sound... Yeah, that is a weird...

How do you make something a flavor when it's consisting of about five different things? Yeah. That's weird. I can understand chocolate flavor, but does it taste like the bread or the burger or the cheese? I can't understand chocolate flavor twisties. Yeah, that's just wrong. I know someone that used to work at Macca's and when people used to come in and ask for

burgers without pickles, because that's quite common, like you'd get one of those grill orders, people would come in and they'd go, I can have a burger without pickles. So what I'd do is I'd just put pickle juice on it. I mean, my friend would just put pickle juice on it. My friend would just put pickle juice on it. So Daniel, is it Daniel, Dan? Yeah, I prefer Daniel. You prefer Daniel?

I prefer Daniel. I don't know. I've never been called Dan before in my life until I got into comedy. And then all of a sudden people just started calling me Dan. Were you locked in a basement for 18 years? No, but it's just for, it's like, you know, you do something and like the only kind of people remember your name. Have you gone all serious?

Like Johnny Farnham's turned into John Farnham. No, but if you're like, if you're Colin Chandler on one of your posters. It's Carl. And then on another one, it's Cole. Like, you know, people don't know what to Google. You know what I mean? Like someone sees you and they're like, I love that guy and all his puns.

You've got insider tips that that's how to get me. That is classic. By saying I have puns. I do not have puns. That is classic. I do not have one pun. That is classic Danny Towns behaviour. Yeah, pun. That is classic Danny Towns behaviour. Yeah, exactly.

That is ultimate Danny Towns behaviour. A little shout out there to a friend of the show, Nick Cody. Exactly. I love that saying too. Oh, is this a stitch up? Is he giving you inside information to come in and chuck at Chandler? He's come down to earth and gone, hey, everyone. By the way, if you want to beat up Superman, he's the kryptonite.

I love that Cody, for any new listeners, Cody was the first guest we had on this show, and he's the only guest we've had back. He interrupted an episode that we did with Xavier Michaelides. I love it how even when he's not in the studio, he's still finding ways to crowbar his way onto the show. What a villain. Bringing down the show like an STD, like one he may already have. He's the Lex Luthor of the Dum Dum Club.

Funny guy, though. I thought that was pretty funny. What am I? If you're Superman, what am I? That dino mutt. Jimmy Olsen, for sure. Jimmy Olsen. Please, come on.

That's all you could be. Fair, I guess so. I'd go more Lois Lane. Nah, Jimmy Olsen. You could play Jimmy Olsen. I could. I would love to play Jimmy Olsen. You could have one of those little pork pie hats with a little press ticket hanging out

the side. Yeah, that'd be good. Hey, Mr Kent, where are you going? The new New Adventures of Lois and Clark. Yeah, of Clark and Jimmy. That's me and you. We could rebrand the podcast. Rebrand the show.

Clark and Jimmy. The New Adventures of Clark and Jimmy. And they also do sound like kind of zany breakfast radio announcers. Yeah. You're listening to Clark and Jimmy. It is 11 past the hour. It sounds like Carl and Tommy too. Yeah.

Clark and Jimmy. Clark and Jimbo. Keep your names. You can just keep your names. Easy. Yeah, we could just completely not change our name at all. You're right. It's a good point.

Radio superheroes. Yeah, let's not go down and change it by deed poll after this. I've changed my mind. Here at the Dum Dum Club. How did you guys come up with the name? How did we come up with it? I think I texted Carl and said, hey, this is a pretty retarded name that we probably won't be into. No. Let's call it that.

No, that was my idea, the name. Was it? Yeah, you're the one that didn't want it. No. You said you didn't want it. No. Yes. I'm going to go back through the history of text messages. You go, Jimmy. Oh, okay.

Go through your files, Jimmy. Oh, controversy. Oh, yeah, a bit of friction there. I can't believe he's trying to claim the sweet name I came up with. You argued against it. I can't believe you're trying to claim the sweet name that I came up with. How many episodes have you guys done? This is 20, this will be 27 or done? This will be 27 or 28.

This may be one of them. Before this big finale. You've got Hannibal, Tompkins, Will Anderson, Mark Maron. Then who? Townes. Daniel who? Danny Townes. You actually, when we were having lunch and you got up to get a coffee,

I said to Carl, Tompkins, Marin, Towns. Yeah, it's a bit of a, oh, you know, it's good. You were our first choice. First choice, last guest. Who can we get once the festival's almost over? Now that everyone's really sick of the festival and no one wants to leave their house on a Monday, who would be desperate for not to do it?

Who wants some publicity? Yeah, who's going to reply to us on Twitter? Who wants some publicity? Who wants the word of their show to get out to another 200 people? 200's a bit ambitious. Oh, okay. So how's your festival been, Danny Towns? That's great.

I know he's calling me Danny. I do the Colin thing early. I shouldn't have done that. You made a rod for your own back here. See, now what I think of you is at the front of the town hall, it's usually you're the guy that's sitting on the seat, the defeated seat. See, I've never seen it as a bench of defeat. Oh, really?

I've seen it as the bench of comfort. Right. I'm never defeated. Well, you look defeated. I'm tired. Just to give our listeners a little bit of context, it is comedy festival time, and part of doing a self-produced comedy festival show, as the three of us are.

He's having to get out the front of Town Hall and hand out flyers and try and bring people into your show. And Daniel Towns would probably be of flyers in the, I would say the top three of worst. Worst flyers? Yeah. I'm in that top three of worst as well. I just find it really hard. I find it really, because people always go, if it's any good, why are you giving it out?

Yeah. We'll put it this way. At the start of the festival, I got a couple of thousand flyers printed and I've got a couple of thousand left. Mine is about 20. Some of them I used to pick my teeth after I've had two. So what would happen, there's a seat, there's a bench at the front of Town Hall where when

people give up very quickly from flyering, they go and sit there and they sit there for about an hour and there'll be like six or seven of them. So you are a guy that I would associate with that seat. I've hardly been on it at this festival. I've banned myself from sitting on there this festival. I almost have because I thought, is that how people see it? Is that how people see this bench? I'm not defeated.

I'm optimistic. I'm one of the people I never break. No, but the thing is, now you just sit on a different seat that's like next to it that is the new seat of defeat. There's also the smokers in the eater's chair, though, which is a little bit further away. That's when you don't want people to see you with food in between your teeth or a seat. Not that I smoke anymore. I've quit smoking. It's like a high school canteen, isn't it?

Like all the different sort of social groups. Yeah, the gangs. Yeah, all the different gangs. Yeah, and then all the arseholes who actually try the different sort of social groups. Yeah, the gangs. Yeah, different gangs. Yeah, and then all the arseholes who actually try and fly in the main bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All the people that are paid to fly are all the people that are in out-of-town sketch comedy troops. Yeah, they're getting in the way of some serious KFC on bench time that they could be having.

Yeah, I mean, getting in the way of some people that are really into looking at the board and complaining about not being on there and things like that. Like you. No, yeah, exactly. It's a good time. I have a good time down there, though. Yeah, it's fun. I hate the actual, like, well, that's why I don't do it, but I like being down there and mingling with people.

That's why handing out flyers is hard, because everyone else is out there doing it. So your mates are there, so you just sit and chat. It's just having a good talk. Yeah. Having a good chat to people. Oh, yeah, yeah. Why would you talk to a stranger and have them scrunch up a picture of your face

when you can hang out with old Chandler? Yeah, you're good at it, though. I'm all right at it. Yeah. Are you firing your own show or a late show? I do it on your show, too. Yeah, I do it. I like it because it only takes one person.

It only takes one show to be empty-ish, and you go, I just go, screw this. I'm going to fly my ass off from now on. And I get, and I get them out and I get people in, so that's fine by me. I treat it as one hour before showtime, I'm like, this is, if you don't do this properly, you're going to have no one in your show. Yeah. So that's fine by me. I don't mind doing it. I didn't even realise you were doing a show this year.

Really? And you've seen it. Daniel, you actually are, Tansy, you're responsible for one of the best pieces of flyering I've seen this year. We were standing around together on Sunday night a couple of weeks ago and friend of the show, Dave Bushell, turned up and looked a bit kind of down. I said, oh, what's going on? Are you all right? And he goes, oh, yeah, I'm not great.

Yeah, my girlfriend just broke up with me, but, you know, I guess I'll be okay. And then Tansy just looks him dead in the eyes and goes, mate, you look like you could use a laugh. And just a sensational piece of, did he come to your show? No, he didn't come. But that's just a sample of what you can expect. That kind of quick wit.

There's things like that that make it fun. I think that was, would I be correct in saying that that is the only fly you handed out that night as a joke to a man who's just been dumped? Probably is. And you did it without getting up from that seat. You just threw it at him. No, we were standing. That was one of the times I was on my feet.

Being on that other side, this is a good one. I was out the other night and bumped into my friends and friends of the show, Kate and Charlie, and Kate was laughing at something Charlie had been saying to her and going, oh, my God, that is the saddest thing I've ever heard. And then tells me, my friend Charlie is the kind of guy who, he likes to complain. He likes it, you know it when things go wrong. He likes complaining.

So he was saying, I just had the worst day the other day. The worst thing that could have happened to me. It was so bad. I left my headphones at home. It was just the worst day. I was like, if that qualifies the worst day ever, then I think things are actually going pretty okay. But anyway, so he was just in a shit mood.

I was really pissed off about everything. And then he got a call from one of those Roy Morgan survey dudes, and he's on the phone doing the survey. He's like, I was just in a shit mood. I was really pissed off about everything. And then he got a call from one of those Roy Morgan survey dudes, and he's on the phone doing the survey. He's like, I was just so pissed off and so wanted to vent and no one was around that I just started dumping all my shit onto this Roy Morgan guy. So he's on the phone with this guy and going, yeah, it was so fucked, man. So then I realized that, you know, I've left my headphones at home,

and that's bullshit because I had this new CD that I wanted to listen to, and I couldn't listen to it, so I'm just walking around, and I'm really fucking bored. And they're like, okay, and what kind of deodorant do you use? It's the rare occasion when the person doing the survey would be the one annoyed by the intrusion. Do you know what I mean? That's funny that that's going to go back, and they're going to use that as research, and it's like, really angry people like using

Adidas deodorant. What about internet dating? Would you do internet dating? Never done it. I've heard of some people. I know people that have done it and they said you should do it for a laugh. You'd definitely get some material out of it. I know people that have done speed dating as well. I've done speed dating. See, I'd rather meet someone. I'd rather just bump

into someone. Who do you meet? No one. Because you do alright for yourself. No, I don't. Don't you? someone. Who do you meet? No one. Because you do all right for yourself. No, I don't. Don't you? No. I presume you did because we were at a gig together last year or early this year or whatever it was. And you were very popular with the ladies I spoke to. Yeah, right.

I mean, you can understand why. I was just about to say something really arrogant. I was like, this might not come across. And people actually might think I'm an idiot. A lot of girls. Not at all. I don like, this might not come across. And people actually might think I'm an idiot. A lot of girls... Not at all. I don't like meeting people at shows. A lot of girls like to meet guys that are frequent hot dog eaters,

so they've probably read that about you on Twitter. Maybe. Maybe someone's retweeted my, just had a hot dog, OMG. Maybe it's because you use the name Daniel that they think you're a bit too proper and unapproachable. Maybe you loosen it up a bit and go with Danny and they'll be like, it's just a bloody Danderworth guy. Danny T.

At the moment, you're a bit Pride and Prejudice. You're a bit of a Jane Austen sort of character with that flowery name, Daniel. No, I don't like meeting people after gigs. What, because usually you bomb and they're angry with you? No, well, there's that. There's that. There's definitely that. There's definitely that.

There's definitely the comparisons I always get to Carl Chandler. This has just gone childish. Well, because you would have a weird, I mean, you get this mentioned in reviews a little bit, and for people who don't know you, your voice and the way you speak tends to give people kind of the wrong assumption about you. Yeah, definitely. They think that you're a bit bogan. But that's just people.

You're not really like that. I mean, you are standing here in a flanny with a little portable beef eater next to the mixing desk. What am I like for? Cooking a sausage. What am I like for? I've got a monocle. You're taking money off us as we speak.

I've got a monocle and a top hat. You were trying to squeegee my windscreen as we were driving in the studio. From the inside. But I think when people get things wrong like that, it's like when they review anything and it's like way off the money, especially if you know the person. I guess that just goes to show

people always just prejudge. People always prejudge on what you look like, what you sound like, you know what I mean? And when you read that and you go, wow, that's way off. Yeah. You're so misunderstood. For example, I'm not a tiny lesbian. Most of our listeners seem to think that I am.

I met another person who thought you were. Oh, really? What? Yeah. Are you just winding him up? No, I'm not. Is this just a wind up? I'm not.

No, I met another person. Because I was going to say. How did this conversation go? Who was it? It was just another person who said, oh, I've got a friend who listened to it and they thought it was a lesbian. So they're listening to it. I love that it's – well, it's because I say girlfriend.

Because I was going to say, if I didn't mention that I had a girlfriend, I love that it's not just presuming by the voice that I'm a girl, but not only does it sound like a girl, it sounds like a girl who likes girls. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I'm fine with it because, I mean – Oh, are you okay with it? Yeah, I'm fine with it because, I mean... Oh, are you okay with it? Yeah, I'm fine with people thinking that you're a lesbian because I'm sort of...

Oh, that's good. I'm sort of thinking that'll open up a lot of breakfast radio opportunities for us because it's a lot more likely with a guy and a girl than just two guys. So that's fine. That's true. So what's his sexuality got to do with it? Oh, that's fine. It doesn't matter about sexuality.

As long as it's confirmed that he's a woman, that's fine. Oh, okay. I guess because they're... Lesbians might be a woman, that's fine. Oh, okay. Lesbians might be a bit early in the morning for people, maybe. Yeah, people can't deal with it before. Got the kids in the car on the way to school, having to explain that to them. Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, I'll tell you this. I went out, speaking of lesbians, I was out for a drink on Friday night with my girlfriend. We were at Libation. No, we went to a... We were at the Vic Hotel having a drink, and we were sitting on a couch there, and we were with some people, and they'd left. And we thought we were alone, and we were just, you know, having a bit of a chat. And they've kind of – the place we were in, they've got couches kind of pushed up back against each other.

So we're leaning against the couch. We're having a chat, and then this girl behind us has said something, chimed in on our conversation, and it freaked me out because I didn't know there was anyone there. I was like, oh, oh. And then this girl was off her head, like just mental, and starts going, I'm like, oh, I didn't know there was anyone here. And she goes, typical performer, it's all about you, isn't it? And I'm like, what are you talking about?

And she goes, oh, everything's always got to be about me. And I'm like, what are you talking about? And she goes, oh, everything's always got to be about me. And I'm like, you don't know what you're on about. You are mental. So anyway, I get up to go to the bathroom and I come back and my girlfriend has made friends with this chick because she's a bit drunk as well. They're having a bit of a chin wag and this girl's boyfriend then comes back and he's sitting down and he seems like just completely non-fussed about the whole thing about how his girlfriend is being clearly crazy. He's just sitting there, you know, just looking around going, hey. So at one point, I get up to go to the bathroom. I come back and

my girlfriend is sitting on the couch in between this couple and she texts me going, can we leave? And I'm like, so I grab her, I'm like, hey, do we want to go to the thing? And she's like, yeah, yeah, okay. So we get out of the bar and I'm like, what's going on? Why do you want to get out of there? And she's like, yeah, yeah, okay. So we get out of the bar and I'm like, what's going on? Why do you want to get out of there? And she's like, you went to the bathroom and they were like, come and sit between us. And then they were like, hey, so you're kind of pretty and cool and we've been sort of looking for someone to have a threesome with. What do you reckon?

Scattered my girlfriend out for a threesome. This is what the girl said to her? This is what my, yeah, yeah, the couple. Well, she's obviously thought that you were a girl and that she'd be up to it. Oh, snap. Is that what it is? Is that the point of the story? No.

No. I just think, you know what, first of all, that disgusting thing of being a couple that are on the prowl. I can't think of anything more gross than being that couple. And they hit her up instead of you. No, no. That's what you're upset about. No, that's not what I'm upset about.

No, you know what? I think it's cheeky is hitting her up while I'm. No, no. That's what you're upset about. No, that's not what I'm upset about. No, you know what? I think it's cheeky is hitting her up while I'm there. Do you know what I mean? So, like, I'm going to come back and my girlfriend's just going to be like, here's 20 bucks. Just get a cab home. I'll be back later. I'll see you tomorrow.

Business. Oh, so they didn't even want you? No, they didn't want me at all. Oh, yeah, that's pretty rude. I'm right there. If I'd left her there alone, then... You've got feelings. I've got feelings, yeah.

I'm all right. I'm not great, but I'm all right. Yeah I'd left her there alone, then... You've got feelings. I've got feelings, yeah. I'm all right. I'm not great, but I'm all right. Yeah. What were they like? Oh, bleh. No good? Shopping around for a threesome. Yeah, yeah.

Did you girlfriend tell you that after it all happened? Yeah. So they'd left by then? No, we left. Oh, you left. Yeah. Were you listening to any of that story? A bit of it.

A bit of it. A bit of it. There was a bit where I thought you were talking about me and I tuned in and it wasn't. You're just excited about the drumstick that you're going to have after the show and you couldn't concentrate. I was under the impression that there was going to be refreshments. Yeah. There's an empty glass in front of you if that helps. We'll just put it on the expense account, on the Dum Dum Club expense account.

The Dum Dum Club. But yeah, the scouting for a threesome, I just can't think of, I just can't think of anything worse than being that couple that goes out and finds a girl and goes, yeah, what do you reckon? Well, when I was with my girlfriend to start with, we were out one night at some dodgy bar and this girl came up and started being very complimentary towards the both of us and then kept making the point that her girlfriend hadn't turned up and had cancelled and she just wanted some fun.

She just wanted something to do, like somewhere to go with some people and just kept going on and on and on about it to us. And I'm like, oh, yeah. And then she started complimenting my girlfriend and me and just going on. And my girlfriend's sort of like, oh, okay, she's lonely. And I'm like, yeah, she wants something. You realize what just going on. And my girlfriend's sort of like, oh, okay, she's lonely. And I'm like, yeah, she wants something. You realize what is going on. She's like, oh, my goodness.

She's grooming you. Yeah. And it was like, but this is like our third. Is that what they call it when it's adults? Grooming. Yeah. Even when it's adults? It has become pretty tied in with pedophilia, hasn't it?

Well, it was like our third date. So that was the awkward thing because I think she was. Three dates and you're already calling her your girlfriend. That's a bit... Well... In hindsight. Don't talk to my wife like that. Slip of the tongue.

And yeah, so anyway, I just find that was funny because it was like the third date and I was like, do I ask her if it would be a good idea or what should I do? But it was like, no, we won't do it. But I was like, wow, this girl wasn't unattractive, but it was a bit weird. It was a bit, I didn't know what to do. I think if those things are going to come up, it's usually once two people are getting quite bored with each other.

Yeah. And it should be over. Exactly. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the story of how Carl and I met each other. All right. It'll be over. Exactly. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the story of how Carl and I met each other. All right. And let me just say, one of the most amazing evenings of my whole life. I just wish my girlfriend had it turned up.

Oh, yeah. Your girlfriend who you just met. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So, Downsy, what do you do with your days in Melbourne? Because you do the comedy festival. You've done it the last few years, as have Carl and myself. But you do it in a very different way because you're not at home.

I'm at home. I can sit around and see my friends during the day and then go out and do shows. And you're here for four weeks. It's a whole month. It's a big ask to be away from home. It's a long time. And to be going up and performing to seven people every night. Yes.

And that's not an individual snuff at you, but that's the nature of the festival. That's the nature of the beast, yeah. So what do you do? How do you keep yourself busy? How do you keep yourself from just fucking prying that window open and just jumping out? Daytime naps are pretty good. Like seriously, the other day I woke up at 10 and I had enough at lunchtime. I've had enough at all.

And what did you do for those two hours? What did you do in that sweet window? I drank enough at lunchtime. I've had enough at all. And what did you do for those two hours? What did you do in that sweet window? Drank coffee to wake up. And then I went, you know what? I need a nap on beat. I'm wiped. Where do you stay? Do you stay in a hotel in the city?

I'm on Lonsdale Street. I'm in an apartment. Oh, right. On Lonsdale Street. It's a very small place, two-bedroom place I'm sharing with someone. Other years I've had a PlayStation here or an Xbox, so I've just managed to switch off. Do you write jokes during the day or anything?

Oh yeah, I do if I work. I work for a few hours. If you'd seen my show, you'd be able to tell that. No, no, no, I do. Yeah, I still do work stuff, but it is harder when you're away. I find it hard to not work in my own. It is a weird thing where I always think, oh, yeah, festival, great. You do gigs at night. I'll be able to work during the day. That has never happened. Yeah.

I don't do anything. Today, I was going to do work on my show. It's halfway through the day now. I haven't touched it. Yeah. Yeah, I guess like that. So, I don't know. I bring my little DS, my Nintendo.

I play that a bit. We've watched Arrested Development. We've watched Dime, Ellen Partridge on the TV. The days are harder to kill than the nights. Oh, easy, yeah. Are you staying with another comic? Yeah, Jennifer Wong, Comedy Zones. Oh, cool.

Okay. Jennifer Wong. Comedy Zones own. Yeah, last year I saw her. How's that going? Is there a bit of, are you starting to get a bit of cabin fever going on? Is there a bit of... No, it's good.

Are you getting on? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're getting on really well. No fights over cleaning dishes or... No, nothing like that. We're both pretty clean. That's good. Neither of us are massive.

That's not what she said, but that's all right. Neither of us are massive party animals. Yeah, because there was a year when you and I did a show, not together, but we were in the same venue in the Adelaide Fringe Festival. I think it would have been 2006 maybe.

Yes. We did a jazz club. You were staying in a hostel with a group of other guys and was there something where... Didn't you all get bed lice or something? This is hilarious because I was actually going to bring this up earlier when we were talking about stuff.

But yeah, we got bed bugs. It's the worst thing ever. I just remember waking up in the middle because one night we hired a car and it was like 2 in the morning and I just woke up scratching myself and I said to Nick's son, let's go and sleep in the car. And we went and slept in the car. We went to the 24-hour bakery in Adelaide and then we just went and sat in the car. I was so bad, man.

I was talking to another act at the Rhino Room, Adelaide's Rhino Room, and he's like, oh, so how's your festival going? And I said, yeah, really good. We got bed bugs. And he just stepped back from me. I don't think I totally understand what bed bugs and they just stepped back from me and it was like so what is I'm not I don't think I totally understand

what bed bugs is it's just sort of just like insects that latch onto you and that's it yeah they just yeah and they oh but it just

itches like crazy so even when you're not in the bed like they they're still on you well they get on you and I think they either they can't get through dirt

I think if you're really dirty they can't get you because they can't get through dirt. I think if you're really dirty, they can't get you. Because they can't get through the dirt. Like, you can't see them. So the only way to protect yourself is to cover yourself in mud. They're tiny. Like Commando style. It's worse than mosquitoes, though.

Like, honestly. Because you're scratching something you can't see. Right. You know, at least with a mosquito bite, you can see the bite. And you can, you know, you scratch it. Sometimes you scratch it too much. Oh, so you can't see these bugs? No.

But you just end up with all these lesions all over you because you're just scratching nothing away. Yeah, right. You know when it's involuntary too, you just kind of wake up and you go, why am I scratching myself? So you both had that? No, because there were a group of five of us that were doing shows together and you four guys were all staying in the hostel.

I was staying in an apartment and so we'd all be sitting around and they'd all be scratching and I'd just be going, get away from me. Don't come anywhere near me. Then you guys came around to my apartment on the final night and saw my bed and just went, look at this! No bed bugs! No chiggers anywhere! Look at this! He's living like a king!

No what? Chiggers, isn't that what they did call me? Yeah, that's what Nick was called. I was staying with Sam and Ken. Yeah, that's right. That was a nice place. That was a really nice place. That was a good year. Oh, well, you know, slumming it, I guess you do that.

I mean, my first time I went over to England, I lived on a couch for six months. Jesus. Yeah, six months. And when I got home, I had to remind myself I was lying in bed in the fetal position. And I went, oh, you know, I can stretch my legs. No. That's like the, what is it? What's the cricket? If you put it in a box and it, you know, I can stretch my legs. That's like the, what is it? What's the cricket?

If you put it in a box and it jumps to a certain height and then if you make the box bigger, like it'll still just stay jumping at that same height. Oh, really? Yeah, like that old thing. That old thing. Why would anyone ever make a note of that story ever? No, it's, anyway.

In case someone else tells a story about sleeping on the couch. It's not a book. It's just a little thing. Well, you know what? I used to live in Ballarat. I used to move around quite a bit, and I hated moving around because it would mean moving furniture and whatever. So I just made sure I had no furniture, and I would move into a place that had everything already, and that included a bed. I didn't want to have to move a bed.

When I moved house, I'd move every six months. I just wanted to pack up like three bags and move out. So I, what did I do? I found like a mattress. I found like this really bad like camp mattress sort of thing. So I slept in this room, I think for, I stayed there for about 18 months, two years on a mattress about probably about five inches thick, maybe. And that's when I was single. I'd bring girls back to that. I don't know what they were thinking.

Do you want to come back to my mattress? Yeah. I was just on the floor. Is this guy squatting? Yeah. That's what it looked like. Is he going to nod off halfway through? Is he on the old bit of these ones?

Well, that's exactly what it looked like. Exactly what it looked like. I don't know what they thought, but anyway, probably because I was so drunk at that stage when I was coming back that it didn't matter. And I didn't think it through or whatever, and after like 18 months or whatever, I went, I might just pick up this mattress there for a second, and it was just putrid underneath the sweat.

Oh, that's disgusting. Whatever. The floor was just black. Oh, no. I did a gig one time in country New South Wales in a place called, I think, Coolamon, or something that was like seven hours out of Sydney. It was a whole weekend thing,

one gig on the Saturday night, and we drove and we stayed in this pub in the town or just out of the town in the next town. And one of the guys I was sharing a room with, because obviously it was a very lavish production, one of the guys I was sharing a room with, he was lying in his bed and he goes, oh, what's that? And he goes, oh, I've got a spring sticking in my back. And like, so we pulled the covers off the bed and like just on the mattress, it was

just, there was a spring sticking through the middle, but then there was blood. Oh, God. And like, it was, you know, just a piss-sane mattress, basically. But it was just disgusting. That's the worst thing about sleeping on the road, like, in those cheaper places. You just go, what is going on? Like, one time in England, I got put up in a place. And there was meant to be a driver back to London when the gig first got offered to me.

And it was because once the train stops, sometimes you can get stranded. But it turns out one guy had to go, like, even further west. And another guy was going north. So I couldn't get back to London. It's like, oh, we'll get you accommodation, but they just put me up in a pub and I just slept in my clothes on top of the sheets. Like I was walking to my room after the gig

and I just felt like a criminal. You know what I mean? When you're staying in one of those run down kind of halfway, above a pub especially. Like we had that another year in Adelaide. We stayed above a pub the very first year we did it. Yeah, yeah. And there was a guy actually living in there.

Like he opened his door one day and then he just had like, it looked like he was preparing for Armageddon. Like he just had a whole wall of like nappies. Like he had a kid and a wife in there with him as well or a kid and a female in there with him. And it was just like, I imagine. Sitting on a spring. But imagine living like this.

Like imagine living like that. Like it's one thing staying there for a couple of weeks, but to actually live like that. Yeah. It reminds me, this is slightly off track, but it reminds me of this house that I used to live in in Ballarat, this other house. Not the haunted house that I talked about weeks ago, but across the road. I actually moved across the road. I live with some friends across the road and we got the call one day that one of our vague

friends had been locked up, that he'd gone crazy. We'd heard these stories. He'd gone a bit crazy. He'd gone on a lot of drugs. And culminating in one episode where he was driving out of town to go to play in a football match, and his car broke down halfway there, like about 20 k's before the football match.

And he just got out of the car and ran to the match. Like ran the 20km to the match. The game had already started. He'd gotten changed on the way in. People saw him running in the gate, running down the street, and he just ran onto the field. Like in the second quarter and just ran around for the rest of the match. That's amazing.

It's like a Nike ad. Yeah, but they said he was that out of his mind that he didn't touch the ball the whole day, but he just ran around and he was just yelling at people the whole time and he finished the match and went, yeah, I think I did really well there. I was really encouraging everyone. Who was it? Just this guy, just this weird guy that we knew. So what happened was he went off his nut.

That was the sort of stuff he was up to and we were like, oh man, he's in trouble. So we're sitting in our house in Ballarat thinking oh man what what's he up to we get the call that he has been locked up uh in a nut house like all right and the story went that uh people had been worried about him so his family flew him over to where they were like the parents had flown him over to perth he got on the on the plane either got, I think he got on the wrong plane, so he got out of Adelaide or something. Got at the wrong point. When he got off, he realized that something wasn't right,

and his psychosis had kicked in, and he started to panic. And he's at the luggage carousel, is that it? Luggage carousel, and he picks up the wrong bag. Like, he picks up a bag that looks like his bag. It's not. He opens it up. He's starting to go crazy in panic he doesn't know where he is he opens up this bag it's full of women's clothing in his head he decides he's a spy and he's been sent on a mission so he goes to the bathroom with his disguise women's clothing puts on, shaves his legs and arms and face,

and walks around the airport dressed in all this stuff like snarling at security guards that are going near him. Then he goes outside and he's starting to really lose the plot. And he thinks he sees his uncle. He thinks he sees his uncle and he's like, oh, this is someone I know. This is great. So he runs over to this uncle who's getting on like a minibus, jumps on there and goes, oh, my God, I'm so glad I can see you, Uncle Glenn.

Oh, I don't know what was going on. Hang on a minute. That's not Uncle Glenn. I'm just hugging a stranger. Then he goes and hides in the bushes, and meanwhile, the word gets around the airport that there's a nutcase in women's clothing hugging strangers. So they come and grab him.

They lock him up. And we're like, oh, that's sort of like the last we heard from it. And we're like, oh, my God, that's so bad. And our friend literally said to us, he sounds so crazy, he may never get out of this nutcase asylum. It's pretty bad. Within the hour, we're sitting there watching TV. There's a big window behind the TV. This guy walks along past the TV and knocks on the window.

And we go, what? And he walks in and starts going, and apparently that story happened weeks ago. And he starts telling us, oh, no, I'm all right now. It's all fine. Like, oh, OK, you sure? You sure you're all fine? He's like, yeah, yeah, no, I'm all fine now.

We're like, well, what happened? He goes, goes oh well that all that stuff happened then i went into the insane asylum whatever and they were like fixing me up or whatever fixing him yeah fixing him putting him lithium or something yeah no well that's what he was like saying no no i got all fixed up what they did was what they did to knock all the drugs out of me was they just put me in this helicopter and then they put me up into the air and they spun me upside down in the helicopter, you know, to shake all the drugs out of me. Of course. And we're like, you know that never happened, don't you? We've all seen that episode of Grey's Anatomy where they do that to someone.

You know that didn't happen, didn't you? And he goes, yeah, it does sound a bit odd, doesn't it? Sounds like a good premise for a festival show. Yeah. And then he had all these, he brought all these copies of wheels, you know, car magazines, where in the midst

of his psychosis he'd drawn the Shining style all through these magazines with arrows pointing to every bit of the car saying, this is how to make

this car better. This is how to, bigger wheels, bigger windscreens, head to toe these magazines just coming out with all these

crazy scrawlings that he's going to send to General Motors. Like Homer when he makes his ridiculous car with his brother's money. All that, all that, except like full, these magazines are full of a crazy man's thinking. So what was actually like clinically, what was the diagnosis? I think the clinical thing was too many drugs. Okay, so he just fried his brain. Yeah.

Do you know what type of drugs? No. Just probably chemicals. I don't know. And the name of that man was fried his brain. Yeah. Do you know what type of drugs? No. Just probably chemicals. I don't know. And the name of that man was Sunshine Johnson Jr. No. I love the commitment to authenticity, dressing up in women's clothes and thinking,

but thinking, I better shave my arms and legs, otherwise I'm going to look like a right idiot. What about the poor guy? Like, imagine if some random came up and hugged you at the airport. Now imagine if that random was dressed up as a woman. That sounds like fun. I also think, you know, like, I think the James Bond franchise is kind of sort of on its last legs.

What they should do, the next one at the start of it, they should reveal that he's never actually been a spy. He's just had this psychosis the whole time. Matrix style. Yeah, and suddenly he's dressing up like a woman, getting himself into crazy exploits and they could slowly reveal how like you know all these different things that have happened to him in films never never actually happened it was just like weird dreams that he had

that'd be amazing yeah yeah like matrix style he wakes up at the end and it's just been a tube going into his head the whole time yeah oh man is that what happened in the last matrix i don't know oh spoiler alert i've only seen the first one. Really? And everyone went the next two are pretty average. Yeah, I've only seen the third one. They got progressively. What? I've said this before, haven't I?

No. I've only ever seen the third Matrix. You know Will Smith was meant to be Neo? Really? Yeah. I've only seen the third Matrix because I never watched it. And then all my mates were like, we're going to see the Matrix 3. You want to come?

I'm like, oh, well, what else have I got to do? So I went in there and had no idea what was going on the whole time and then we came out and they all just go, what do you reckon? I'm like, not as good as the first two. I've got that exact same thing because I've only seen The Naked Gun 33 and a third. Well, yeah, that would be confusing. Continuities are big.

That would be confusing. Big thing with that franchise. Hey, guys, that actually brings us to the end of the program for another week. It's time to get out of here. Daniel Towns.

Thanks for having me. No, thanks for joining us. It's been fun. Thanks for listening in for another week. We'll see you all next week. See you, mate. See you, mates.