The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 29 - Glenn Robbins

Episode Date: May 3, 2011

Dum Dum Babies, Hook Hands and Dinner at Warnie's. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey mates, welcome inside another edition of the Little Dumb Dumb Club. My name is Tommy Dasolo and sitting opposite me is Carl Chandler. G'day dickhead. We are sitting here, we've got the windows of the treehouse open and we are basking in the rays of freedom. It is quite delicious, we're feeling good. It's good to be back isn't it? It is good to be back.

It's good to be back talking to you you I haven't seen you for a little while We've had a little while off Thanks to everyone who came and checked us out At the Melbourne Comedy Festivals And Sydney Comedy Festival for me Thanks to friend of the show David Young for coming along to my show in Sydney On opening night with a Team Allsop banner

Which was very nice of him And then afterwards saying Hey we should get a photo Because I listen to the show And I know what Carl's like And he's never going to believe that this happened You really are a fan of the show You've worked out all the tropes I know what Carl's like and he's never going to believe that this happened. You really are a fan of the show.

You've worked out all the tropes, you know, everything that's going on. So, yeah, that was very good. So we're one all? We're officially one all, yeah. So if anyone wants to just find us in the streets and come up to us with a Team Allsop or Team Chandler banner just to sort of... Just wear them all the time just to make sure if you ever run into us. Make T-shirts with our heads on them would be best, would be the best outcome. Hey, I didn't tell you this.

I stayed at my girlfriend's house last night and got up this morning. She said, oh, what are you doing today? And I went, oh, I've got to go in a minute. I'm going to go. We're doing the podcast today. And she just goes, oh, little Carl. Little Carl? Little Carl.

That's your little nickname. No. Little Carl. No, because that's the meaning, obviously. No, not no. It did happen. You don't get to refute this. I've never been called little Carl. That's your little nickname. Nah. Little Carl. Nah. Because that's the meaning, obviously. No, not no. It did happen. You don't get to refute this. I've never been called Little Carl. Little Carl. Maybe we should have

like a, maybe we can do like a Dumb Dumb Club Babies. You know, like Muppet Babies. Yeah, like Muppet Babies. Yeah, little baby versions of us. The little Dumb Dumb playpen. Yeah, I don't know. I don't think Big Dumb Dumb has quite taken off yet, let alone little dum-dum. Little, little dum-dum.

But how did your comedy festival wind up? Was it a success, would you say? It was okay. It was okay. I had some friends of the show come along and some whatever. Yeah, it was all right. It was just one of those things where classic comedy festival where you'd start the show and you go, oh, this is going all right.

There's a few things that could be probably changed and fixed and then you go and get drunk and then you wake up the next day and go, oh, time to do a show again and you never fix those things. Yeah, yeah. There were a lot of writing sessions that you and I had in McDonald's at 3am. It didn't really pan out the way I think we hoped it would. I thought we were writing for the show.

I think we were writing insults for whoever walked past us. That is, and that's actually not a joke. That was a good hour and a half that you and I spent sitting in McDonald's one night just making fun of people that walked past us at like 3 a.m. on a Tuesday morning. It's one of those things where I think, how have I changed since I was 16? And I look at that point and go, I have not changed one bit. No, not at all. Not at all.

But it's good. You wouldn't be here if you were more mature. Yeah, exactly. You'd be hanging around with me. You'd be earning money. That's why you hang out with me, isn't it? It reminds you of when you were 16. It is.

It makes you feel... Yeah, it's just you're closer to my mental age than people my own age. That's good. That's very good. Hey, should we get into it? Let's go. Let's go. All right.

We've got a great guest for you today here in the little Dum Dum Club. You may know him from all sorts of stuff, from Comedy Company, from Fast Forward, Russell Coit, Kath and Kim, the man himself. Who's he going to be? Glenn Robbins. Yay! The Little Dum Dum Club. Yeah.

Is this the worst named show that you've ever been a part of? Well, when I got a message from Carl saying, will you come on and do a podcast with us, he didn't say anything about Dum Dum and it being a club, and I'm not sure from Carl saying, will you come on and do a podcast with us, he didn't say anything about Dumb Dumb and it being a club, and I'm not sure what I'm you know. You've gone from a company to a club. Yeah, but happy to be here.

But hey, rap to have you on here, Glenn, because I know that you are, and this isn't saying it in a bad way, but you are fussy with what you do, obviously until now. But you are... What makes you you do, obviously until now. But you are- What makes you say that? Oh, because you-

Have people been talking? No, not at all. No, but you sort of plan your moves. This is starting to sound weird, but you don't just jump into anything willy-nilly that might come off badly, something that you think you won't be appropriate for or you don't need to do? Well, I only do stuff that I think that I'm a good fit for because if I'm not a good fit, then I'm compromising whatever you're doing

and I'm not having a good time, you're not having a good time and I think why did we bother doing that? So it really is about, I just come from a meeting, someone who's doing first year Swinburne, he wants me to do his film and it's a three-minute film and he's my nephew and I'm probably going to do it. So I'm more than happy to do that. What a power move, just dropping

your high powered meeting on us early on. We had coffee and we threw it around. I don't mean it like, oh, you won't do this or that or whatever. I mean, it's actually a compliment. It's like you're sensible. You won't just go, oh yeah, whatever, I'll jump on Celebrity Dickhead on Channel

7 at 4.30 in the afternoon or whatever. What a great show that would be. G'day. I'm the Celebrity Dickhead. What is that show? You just walk around just being a dickhead to people all day. Having said that, sorry, I have done Celebrity done celebrity wheel of fortune i've done uh uh there's a couple of celebrity game shows that i've done that seriously um i think you could put a label of me being a dickhead right right but that's see oh no that's an easy thing of going oh celebrity wheel of fortune that sounds really bad but then you go you're saying it now if someone offered me

celebrity wheel of fortune i'd be like, oh, my God, yes. Well, because game shows are a classic thing that you watch and you go, God, imagine spinning that wheel. Yeah. You know? Yeah, it's like a magical childhood thing. Yeah. I'll give you the tip on the wheel.

Yeah. You can't push it too hard. Why? Because it's so big, if you push it too hard, it would take about 20 minutes to stop. Oh, right. Oh, really? So when your time comes around and he says, by the way, I know, I know, don't spin it too hard. I look like a pro.

Yeah. I look like I've deserved that celebrity status. I thought you were going to say because it's just made out of felt and it's like really weak and if you go to spin it too hard, the whole thing just falls apart. No, it's quite heavy. Right. So you want to be prepared.

Well, here's a tip. When you get onto Celebrity Dickhead, don't sound too smart because then they'll regret choosing you for the show. Can I ask you something? Please. If you carry your mobile phone in your pocket, does it affect your genitals? Yeah, look, that's a good question, because, I mean, why wouldn't it? But it doesn't stop me from carrying it there.

Right. I feel like that's really going to be one of those things where now everyone's fine about it, but in, like, ten years' time, it's going to be, you know, it'll be like smoking. Yeah. Like, can you believe people in 2011 just used to have their phones in their pockets? Yeah. What kind of insane society was that? They used to hold it up to their heads.

Yeah. Because a few days ago, a woman said to me, you know, you shouldn't have your mobile phone in your pocket while it's on. And I went, oh, good point. So I went out for lunch yesterday and I went, ha, I'm not going to put my phone in my pocket. I'm going to put it in my back pocket, more near my back than my front. Yes.

Anyway, so I have lunch. Very nice. Have to take a friend to the airport, get to the airport. Where's my phone? Because it's in the back pocket, it's slipped out. Right. So then you are in absolute, I don't love my phone, but I'm in absolute no man's land because I can't ring my phone

to find out if it's in the car somewhere because that's what you do. You ring it and it rings and goes, hello, I'm here. Then I've got to drive back to the restaurant and I drive back and I walk in and the guy goes, are you looking for this? Now, I seriously wanted to hug that guy because I'm going overseas in a couple of days and I wouldn't have a phone. And I think there should be a Good Samaritan Bank. Yeah, that's a good idea. Yeah. Okay. So, in other words, you know, you've got my mobile phone back.

There's 50 Good Samaritan dollars. Yeah. And it's like a… It could be like a set fee. You could have set fees. Like if you have a Good Samaritan bank, you know that your – like a wallet is going to be worth $50 straight away. Yeah, bang.

That's the idea. Straight in there. And then if you don't want to do something, you'll go, I've got a little bit of money in my Good Samaritan bank. I can now go to a strip club. Yeah, right. But then what if you get the phone back and you're going through, like you sent messages, and while that guy's had your phone, there's like a text to Mick Malloy going, go fuck yourself.

So then he gets debited. So the next few good things he does at the Good Samaritan Bank, he has to like. I think we need to round table it. Sure, he's going to be giving a take. Let's not start it up now. Yeah, right now. But I think there should be people who do good things like that

should be rewarded on the spot. Anyway, I get my phone back and I'm happy. Yeah, right now. But I think there should be people who do good things like that should be rewarded on the spot. Anyway, I'll get my phone back and I'm happy. Yeah, that's great. Well, it's interesting. I had sort of the opposite. I had a bad Samaritan Act because I was in Sydney a couple of weeks ago. And anyone who thinks that the cab service in Melbourne is not that great should go to Sydney because they make our cabs look like a private limo service. I got into this cab and the guy goes, oh, so where are you going?

And I go, oh, here's the address. And he goes, oh, where is that? Can you direct me? And I'm like, oh, I'm not from here. And instantly having to say that, having to admit that you don't know where you're going, you're like, oh, God, we're in trouble here. And he goes, oh, you're going to have to direct me because, yeah, I've just turned the GPS off.

Like, can you turn it on? He's like, no, I can't. So it's ended up with me in the backseat of this cab on Google Maps on my iPhone directing us where to go this. But how's this? He still tried to do the dodgy on me and take me a long way around. And I'm sitting there going, man, I'm on the map. I can see the blue dot just going around the block a few times. I'm the one telling you what street to go down. And you're going, no, I think I know

another way. He was. He was. And we did two laps of the block and I'm just sitting there watching the little dot on my phone go around in a circle. Having said that, one-way streets in Sydney, you do have to go a long way around to get back to where you want to go. Oh, yeah. Okay. Maybe.

Here's something I saw yesterday that struck me. I saw a guy yesterday cross the street with a hook for a hand. And, like, why is that still happening? Why is there still people with hooks from hands? Like, why have we progressed in every other way in the world since the pirate era until now? People can lose legs and still get a little prosthetic thing, which means that they can win running races and stuff.

Yet there's people getting around like Captain Hook. Yeah, yeah. There was a dude that walked past me, that brushed past me with his hook. Why has there been nothing better come about? What are the options, though? Well, I don't know. I mean, we've got iPhones now. There must be an app for that.

Surely there must be an app. The hand app. There must be a better option than having a metal, sharp hook. From what I can understand, at least with a hook, you can do some stuff. Can you? What can you do? Well, you could pick up this cup I've been picking up.

You can see I'm hanging onto a cup there. You could hang onto your... You could pull the door handle. You could turn a knob. I don't know if you could turn a knob. With a hook. No, actually, you're right. You couldn't turn a knob, did you?

You'd have smashed the glass. Now, with an artificial hand, you can't do too much, except look like you've got a hand. Well, surely then, I mean... You want a robotic thing. Yeah, well, something. I just think that there'd be more cons than pros for a hook for a hand. You just get it caught on things continually.

Like, that'd be them. You'd be constantly going, oh, sorry about that. Sorry about that. Like there wouldn't be much. I mean, you could hang on to your, you know, to your shirt or something like off a coat. That'd be about it. And not to be this type of guy, but it is 2011. Surely there's better, you know, there's better options by now.

Yeah. Like that's what pirates had 300 years ago. Why have we not stepped it up? But then that said, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Have you ever met someone with one arm or a hook? Or what about when we've come to the point of shaking hands? What's been your approach? I did a gig with you in Geelong a couple of weeks ago.

Yes, and he had... Yes, because that wasn't the guy that I saw, but now that I think of it, I walked in and went to do the handshake and then got out of there and just went, that's fine, this is not a big deal because I'm sure he's had that happen so many times that I don't even need to reference it. The first time I met Jack Newton, the famous golfer,

who lost his arm in an aeroplane accident, and he lost his right arm. And from what I was told, when you first meet him, you either give him your left and he'll go with his left, or you give him your right, and then you flip it. Yep. And as I was walking towards him, I got confused, and I gave him my left, and I flipped it, and we actually missed each other. I kind of – there was no point of real contact. Did he have a hook?

No, he didn't have anything. Oh, he didn't have anything. I kind of thought you meant when you said, when you meet him, you have to give him your left. I thought you meant like, like surgically. You've got it. There you go. You've got to lead.

You've got to lead. I'm going to lead. Like if you put out your left hand now, see? See? See? Yeah. Yeah. Or no, hang on, that's right hand.

That hand. Right. So there you go. See? Right. Even I'm struggling Yeah. Or no, well, hang on, that's the right hand. That hand. Right. So there you go. See? Right. See, even I'm struggling with it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I really hope I don't lose an arm now, now that I think about it.

But go home tonight and maybe just stop using one arm. Yeah. Try to maybe put on a watch, brush your teeth. Just see how you go. It's putting on a pair of underpants. It's hard work. And then buy a little pirate costume, try it with the hook. Yeah.

See which you prefer. I don't want to put on underpants with a hook for a hand. Like, I just can see so much bad rather than good with a hook, with an actual hook. Can't you? Oh, no, I hear what you're saying. Yeah. But if they haven't got a hand that is mechanical, then maybe they could cover that one in rubber and just make it a rubber.

Yeah. It would look better. I just feel that we're having this brainstorming session now that surely this should have happened in the last 300 years at some stage. There are surgeons out there now jotting down their notes going. Even if it's a plastic hook-shaped thing with nice little pictures on it or something. Even if it's like a Swiss Army knife sort of a limb and you've got, instead of the fingers, you've got the different little things.

Surely that would be perfect. Wouldn't that be perfect? That would be perfect, yes. That would be better than a real hand. I wish I was missing an arm right now, just so we could have that. I'm going to go and get my arm stuck in a tram door or something just to get a swizzle stick, a pencil sharpener.

Different applications. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like an inspector gadget sort of deal. The number of times I've had a blunt pencil and just been thinking, if only I had a sharpener in place of my hand, this would be perfect. Hang on, are you giving me the bird? Oh, no, you're just about to sharpen my pencil. When I was at uni, one of my lecturers had a stump finger,

like he was missing most of one of his fingers, which, you know, whatever. But he would do these presentations where he'd have an overhead projector, you know, like the old school, not the computer one, like an overhead projector, and he would point to stuff on the slides he would have, but he'd use the stump finger to point at things. So it would just be magnified up on this giant screen, and I'd just be sitting there going, I just stopped going.

It's like, yeah, you've got nine other perfect fingers you can use. And it was like the one next to his pinky, so it wasn't even a finger that you would generally use to point with anyway. It was like he was doing it just to. He doesn't want to be fingerist. That's his problem. I suppose so, yeah.

I was doing, I did a scuba diving course up in Byron Bay and we were in the pool and we were doing all the things, going out of the water. And then a guy, I looked at him and he said something like, you'll be under there for a couple of minutes. And he held up his hand like that and he had one and a half fingers. So one and a half minutes. So immediately at that point, I went, you've lost a finger.

A shark's bitten that off. Yeah. We're going to go to places that that's where sharks do those things. For the next five minutes, I didn't listen because I was fully convinced that I was not going to have. And the irony there, not listening, heightening your chances of being attacked by a shark. I must admit, I have a long list of things like that.

If I see someone and they put a belt on and they've missed an eyelet, you know, as they put their belt on, for some reason, I fixate on it and then I imagine them- You won't buy pants often. Well, no. I imagine them at home pulling their pants on, putting their belt on, missing the eyelet. So in other words, I start imagining them in the nude and then I'm like, I don't want to think about this now. And suddenly, you know, I've got him naked and I don't want to sound like I'm name-dropping

but I was doing the Celebrity Grand Prix a number of years ago when Natalie Imbruglia was doing it. And it was a bizarre experience because you sat in a class and I was sitting next to Ken Doan, the artist, which was bizarre. And you had to draw flags And I'm drawing my flag And I look across at Ken Doan's flag And I'm going, that's a shit-hot flag, Ken Because I had to draw the different flags

That they were going to use on the course anyway So anyway, so we're there And we're about 20 minutes into the list And Natalie Imbruglia comes in late And she sits down right next to me And I looked across and went God, you're really beautiful. She would be a great person to look at live.

Yeah, she was absolutely and still is an incredibly beautiful looking woman. And I probably dwelled on that thought for a little bit too long. Made her part of your flag. Yeah, and kept on focusing on that. Tuning back into the lecturer saying, and if you don't know that out on the track, you may well die. No, what? What?

Ken, Ken, what did he say? Ken, did you write that down? Oh, shit. It's just bizarre, you know. I had Natalie Imbrilla in the nude and the lecturer, you know, saying- Because she hadn't put her belt on properly. Because she hadn't put her belt through her eyelid. I'm a bit more fascinated in Ken Doan, to be honest.

What's he like? He's a good guy. He wasn't a great driver, but he drew really good flags. I saw him on Celebrity Dickhead. He went pretty well on that. I'm excited about, you know what else I'm excited about? With kids who are about, I don't know, six or seven, who have iPhones. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, right. Seriously, what are you texting? Yeah. See you down the swings and slides at three. You know, bring your own playlist. I mean, I get that the parents might want to know what they are, but it's like they were doing stock market deals. What are you doing?

No, they're just there going, I pinched this off Glenn Robbins in a cafe. Let's text all his mates and tell them they're fucked. Yeah. Who is Mark Mitchell anyway? Is there anything that makes you stop listening? My one is – I really like that to start with, the whole – the kids like six –

have you seen kids that young with iPhones? I have. When you go to certain parts of town, there are kids with – and I get because their parents might want to know where they are so they can ring them. Right. But you're going, you are. You don't need an iPhone.

You don't need an iPhone. Well, you know what it was? It was a BlackBerry. That's what it was. Oh, what? Yeah. Even worse. Yeah, even worse.

Even worse. Like you could see the iPhone being attractive because it's like a fun looking thing. But BlackBerry is like, I think of like Wall Street. Yeah. Yeah. It's a big business. Right. That's weird.

What was yours? is like, I think of like Wall Street. Yeah. Yeah. It's a big business. Right. That's weird. What was yours?

Well, my one is if I'm hungry, seeing other people eat, just I zone out. Like I've been out on dates where I'm sitting there and I'm really hungry and there'll be a table next to us and people are having their food and I'll just stare at them and watch them putting food in their mouth. It's like white noise. I can't focus on anything around me. And then the person I'm with will go, so what do you reckon about that? I'm like, about what? They're like, I didn't say anything.

I could see you just staring at that person eating, being a creep, which is a very creepy thing to do. But I just can't. I'm the same as you. I just fixate on it. And it's also if I've been debating what sort of food to order and then someone sitting near me orders what I nearly got. I just go, I've gotten the wrong thing, haven't I?

Look at how much he's enjoying that. Mine's going to come out and it's going to be shit. It's always very competitive. I'm going to be angry. Yeah. Very competitive. I'm not competitive in very – the only thing I'm competitive in at all is eating.

Like I rejoice if I get a – the thing I love hearing the most, if I'm in a big group and we're out and I get something and everyone goes, oh, that looks great, I just go, yes, in your faces. Yeah, it's very competitive. Winner, winner, loser, winner. I was in a restaurant in Sydney working on a project up there. And when you're by yourself, you're slightly self-conscious. And it was quite a good restaurant because there was nowhere else to eat.

And so I sat down and I did the thing where I brought a book because, you know, by yourself. No, I might have been brought a script, brought the script, read the script, doing a movie, didn't say anything. Showbiz. Showbiz. Yeah, showbiz. Anyway, so they come and I make the order and he goes, so I'll have the chicken, please. And there was one other person in the restaurant, one other table, and he goes, that will be a 25-minute wait. Yeah, okay.

I don't know what else he's doing out there, but, okay, I'm going to go for the chicken. So he brings the chicken out. And I swear it was as big as the palm of my hand. It was tiny. And I'm going, is that it? And he goes, yep, that's all you get with the chicken. You just get a piece of chicken.

One nugget, thank you, sir. Yeah. So anyway, so I go, well, I better get with the chicken. You just get a piece of chicken. One nugget, thank you, sir. So anyway, so I go, well, I better get something with it. Can I get some chips or something? That will be a 20-minute situation. So I start to eat my chicken really slowly, trying to make it last for the chips to come. It's like when you drink early.

Oh, yeah, you don't want to go early on the drink. Anyway, so I finally, and then I just go, you know what, so I eat the chicken. And then, so I'm just sitting there. And then the chips come out. It's the biggest bowl of chips I've ever seen. It was huge. So I'm sitting there eating my big bowl of chips.

All these people walk through the door and go, oh, look, that's Glen Robbins over there at a really nice restaurant. And what's he eating? A kid's meal. He's got the one nugget of chips. He's got the Superman special. He's got a big bowl of chips at the best restaurant in Sydney. But I ordered the chicken. I've already eaten it.

Oh, it's okay, Glen. That's fine. That's fine. Well, that's it with the drink. Maybe I'm a bit particular, but I get the drink and then the meal comes out and whatever, and I like to ration it, ration the drink to the meal. Do you do that with – well, I do that when I put a fruit on cereal, banana through cereal. You go, well, I've got about six pieces of banana there.

You want to make sure you've got a bit of banana with the cereal at the end. Yeah. That's what you're more or less saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I like to ration the Coke and you get down and I like to have a nice inch at the bottom of the glass that you can just finish and finish it all off with and whatever. And my girlfriend's the opposite. She'll just scull her drink and then get into the meal and go, can I have half of that?

Can I have some of that? Not on. Back off. And it's like I'm in a public thoroughfare going, look, you don't understand, I'm rationing. I'm rationing my drink. You'll have to get another one. Yeah. You can't have any of my food.

I can't go early on the drink. I go for the end with the drink. Right. I wait. I just can't go early. Yeah. All right. Friend of the show, Drew Thornton, is a big fan of when he goes out for breakfast,

he'll get like a big breakfast. And what he does, he saves like a little piece of everything on the plate and then combines it all at the end to like one final bite where he'll have a little bit of egg, a little bit of bacon, a little bit of hash brown. The dairy assortment. Exactly, yeah. It's sort of known that that's his thing, right?

So anytime a big group of us – and this is like years ago, a big group of us were out for breakfast and his girlfriend was there and he's carefully assembling his little, you know, his last little bits of everything and he's getting down to the last bits of his hash brown and then his girlfriend just reaches over with her fork and just grabs the whole final bite and just absentmindedly takes a bite because she'd sort of been picking at his food all day and we're all just there going, oh, no, he's going to murder it.

Like he looked like he was just going to. Because he'd done a lot of work up to that point. And it's well known that that's his thing. Fair enough too. The whole time he's going to murder it. He looked like he was just going to. Because he'd done a lot of work up to that point. And it's well known that that's his thing. Fair enough, too. The whole time he's eating, he's in his head. And you structured your meal. He's structured his meal. It's all building to this one final.

Yeah, it's like walking out in the last five minutes of the movie. Yeah, yeah. You've been there the whole way for that payoff at the end. Yeah, it's like the big final fight scene or whatever. Yeah. Yeah, and he was not too rapt. And the thing was, she did it really absentmindedly. Like, she didn't do it to dick him over or anything.

She just kind of went, oh, yeah, actually, I wouldn't mind a bit of hash brown. And we're just thinking, oh, my God, he's going to – He's going to shoot her. We're going to witness a murder. We're going to have to go into the cop shop later on. I was at my – when I was growing up, my brothers, the two families had to get together, my brother's girlfriend's family invited us over for afternoon tea or whatever it was. And we're in the lounge room in the good room and they're passing around some hors d'oeuvres and they gave me something on a biscuit with a crouton on top of it. And I took it and after I had taken it, I went, I do not want this.

And what do you do at that point? Do you put it behind a bit of furniture? Yes, yes. Do you try and swallow it? Do you leave it in your cup? Well, what I did was I thought I'll be smart. I put it in my mouth and went, I need to go to the toilet. So I go to the toilet and I spat it out, flushed the toilet.

I like that the smart option involves spitting something into a toilet. That's the real highfalutin option here. Anyway, so now my brother's girlfriend who was a nurse and her mother who was a nurse, right, the girlfriend goes into the toilet after me, runs out and whispers to her mother something about that has just happened in the toilet. Her mother then turns around and announces to the two families, Glenn, are you okay?

I said, yeah, I'm fine. Because Amy just found that you've done a strange movement in the toilet. Is everything all right? So I've had to come clean and go, well, I didn't really like the hors d'oeuvre and I actually spat it out. This food that you've spent a lot of money on was horrendous to me. Yeah, I've turned it into a strange movement. So she goes, well, you'd better go and fix it up. So I go into the toilet.

What had happened was the crouton, which is a square piece of fried bread, had not flutched. It had just bounced around and floated on top of the toilet. So put two and two together. My brother's girlfriend thinks that my ass can produce a cube piece of bread, fried bread. Hole. Yeah, hole. It has in no way been affected.

No digestion. How do you do that? That's a very talented ass that can produce a cube piece of bread. I was in Brisbane on the weekend, and I was at a dodgy Chinese restaurant. And at one point, you know, and I'm eating with grown-ups, so I'm trying to act like a grown-up, and there's a bit of meat that I didn't like that's in my mouth. So you get the old napkin out, and you just brush your mouth and you put the-

You spat it out? Yeah, yeah. Into the napkin? Yeah. Do you need a cloth? Paper. And put it into a little pot? Yeah. Yeah. Into the napkin? Yeah. Do you need paper or cloth? Paper. And put it into a little- Yes.

Yep. Rolled it up. Yep. Okay. And then put it in my pocket and thought, I'll deal with this later. Well, I didn't know what to do with it because I didn't want people to look at it, whatever.

So I put it in my pocket and- No one saw that? No, no, no. Well, I'm assuming. Yeah. So no one saw that. I put it in my pocket. The next day I fly out and you go to the x-ray bit,

and I just put everything out from my pockets into the box, and then it goes through, and I'm looking as it's going down. I just see this big bit of meat in a napkin coming down, and it's being x-rayed, and I'm like, oh, should I just run now? I did the same thing. Have a look what's in my pocket right now. I'm going to pull these out. I have two rocks.

Right. Now, you're probably wondering what they are. I found these in my mother's backyard, right? And I thought, what are they doing here? Obviously, she'd drop them or whatever. And anyway, so I put them in my pocket. And they feel quite nice to have in your pocket. They look nice.

When you've got nothing to do, you can rub them. Yeah. Anyway, I was going through the security at the airport. Yeah. And had to do the same thing, you know, put the rocks out. Yeah. But then it occurred to me, if you were a terrorist, you could actually hijack a plane with a Stone Age weapon.

Yeah. Yeah. I went to walk through with toothpicks in my mouth the other day as well. And same thing. And I was like, hang on a minute. I can't risk this. Surely they would pull you up for that, would they? I don't know.

I don't know whether. Seriously, if someone came in with a toothpick, I think I could handle myself. I have learned that in martial arts. There is a way to take someone down with a toothpick. Oh, you I could handle myself. I have learned that in martial arts. There is a way to take someone down with a toothpick. Oh, you do martial arts, don't you? I do martial arts, yeah. Are you full on? Yeah, I got in the ring the other day with a deaf guy.

That'll teach you. No. Anyway, was he deaf before you fought him? Very good. He took his hearing aids off and we're sparring around. Now, what had happened, a friend of mine had kind of beaten him up a bit before and he was feeling kind of bad. I was going to say he pulled his hearing aids out and just used them as like throwing stuff.

Anyway, so I said, you know, come in with me because I'm not going to beat you up and you'll have a good spar. So we get in the ring and we spa for a couple of minutes. They ring the bell. I drop my hands thinking that was good, put them on my hips, and he punches me in the head three times. I go, what are you doing? He goes, what?

What are you doing? Oh, you can't hear me. You can't hear the bell either. So from then on, we had to have someone signing the bell. So there's a bit of a tip. Don't get in the ring with a deaf man. Don't beat up deaf people. Don't beat up people with any disabilities, really.

You can broaden it to that. I had a deaf person come up to me at the airport once and say to me, because Uncle Arthur, a character I did in the comedy company, was deaf, and he passed me a note and said, we the deaf find you highly offensive. Oh, really? We the deaf. I think I've seen that movie. We the deaf, yeah.

So he's speaking on behalf of all deaf people in the world. Yeah, yeah. Find you highly offensive. Signing on behalf of. Right. Yep. And then years later I won the award for best physical comedian for deaf people, 2002. So why did he find you offensive?

Just because you had a hearing aid? I think because I was portraying a deaf person as being someone who was stupid. So therefore, I was saying that if you are deaf, therefore, all deaf people are stupid. Yeah, right. But that wasn't like a major part of your character, was it? No, I was completely. Because Uncle Arthur was mostly you voicing over the top of it, so you weren't seeing someone not hear stuff.

No, that's right. That was just part of it. It was just because my father was deaf. My father was quite deaf, so he only had about 15% hearing, and he'd do this thing where we'd be in the car, and he'd make these really provocative statements. And so he'd go, every game of football is rigged. I'd say, no, it's not. What's not? The football. What? What's not? What's rigged, Dad? What are you talking about? What? The football. Yes, that's right, it is rigged.

So you have this back and forth. He would just put the ball in. Arguing with a deaf man. Yeah, it's really hard. That would be infuriating. It'd be great if he just found out that he was never actually deaf. Just using it to win arguments. Probably was. Just a real smart way to do it.

Yeah. Well, you know, with Uncle Arthur, that was the thing, because I grew up in the country, and that was like a massive deal. Because we didn't even get Channel 9, 10, 7. We got BTV6 and BCV8. Oh, I thought you were going to go Prime Win. No, even back before that. Wow.

And I remember we had a cousin that lived on a hill, and we'd go out to our cousin's house, and they could sort of pick up Channel 10, stuff like that. So we'd go out sometimes on a treat, like on a Sunday night, and we might get a bit of comedy company. We've got some DVDs here. No, that was like a massive treat. We'd go out and go, oh, because no one else in town had seen it. We're like, we've seen the Melbourne telly.

Oh, the big deal telly, yeah. That was a massive deal. What was they joking about in the big smoke? Yeah, we know what they're talking about down south. How far out of town, out of Melbourne? Maryborough, I come from Maryborough, and that's like two and a half hours from here. Yeah, central Victoria between Bendigo and Ballarat.

Right, okay. So that being Ballarat being BTV6 and Bendigo being BCV8. And what's the number one industry in that part of the world? Farming? No. Printing, it was at the very least. They print the majority of books in Australia. Maribor?

Really? Yeah. Yeah. A couple of big print places. What's your population there, Maribor? 8,000. 8,000. And what did your dad do?

My dad, he ran shops. He owned a delicatessen and a coffee shop at different times and a shoe shop at a different time and some other stuff. He was always in – I was a street kid. I used to live down the street. Not live, but I spent all my time down the street because my mum and dad were in shops. So I'd just sit and the newsagents all day.

You'd have to hang around the deli. Yeah. And the shoe shop. You'd hang around the shoe shop. Yeah, but I'd walk down the street and go in every shop and go look in every shop every night just to see if they had anything new. Little Carl's coming. Little Carl, there he is.

This is the storyline. I'd be in the newsagents every night just reading bloody Captain America or Thor or whatever. Because that's a great opening scene for your life bio piece. Yeah. It'd be the opening scene of you walking down the street thinking of jokes and, you know, dropping into the deli with a new pair of shoes on. Yeah.

Some old kid from the big smoke, like, drives through the main street of Maryborough in his flash car, puts the window down and yells out, hey, dickhead. And then it's you going, that's the coolest man I've ever seen. But saying my dad, like I've said this to you before, but that's funny. Because you would probably be one of the few people that I could name drop to my mum and dad and they would be actually impressed. Because usually when I say stuff, they go, oh, yeah. But when I say you, they're like, oh, right, Clint Robbins.

Quite sad, really. What was he like? No, but I think I've said this to you before because when I said, I think that one of the first times I met you, I said that to dad and said, oh, I met Clint Robbins. Quite sad, really. What was he like? No, but I think I've said this to you before because when I said, I think that one of the first times I met you, I said that to Dad and said, oh, I met Glenn Robbins the other night. And he was like, oh, yeah, yeah, I know him. I'm like, no, you don't know him. He goes, oh, no, I was down in Anglesey in the supermarket and I saw Glenn Robbins

and I sort of gave him the g'day and then he looked at me back like, yep, I know who you are. I'm like, yeah, but he doesn't. You know he doesn't. No, I don't actually. Yeah. He's been supplying shoes to me for a very long time. You have your photo on the wall of the Maryborough Delicatessen, don't you?

Yeah, I do. Because I get my regular up there. Ham and cheese with a latte. Yep. No one does it like Maryborough. No one does a ham and cheese like the Maryborough Delicatessen. That's right. They do good books about them up there as well.

Anyone famous come from Maribor besides your good self? Yeah, well, God. Famous. Not really. There's a few football players that are now coming into the league. There used to never be any AFL players from Maribor when I was growing up, but now there are. Any infamous crimes from that part of the world?

Well, we've talked about it a few times on the show. There was a couple of murders there.'t. Any infamous crimes from that part of the world? Well, we've talked about it a few times on the show. There was a couple of murders there. Interesting. Yeah, not so much. Around about the same time you moved down to Melbourne. No, what is, what, I mean, there's the New Year's Day, the caber toss, the Highland Gathering. There you go.

Now you're being interesting there. The caber toss on New Year's Day. Yeah, I've never been to it, but anyway. What else? What would I sell you on Mirabar about? Murder, shoes, printing presses. Mum and Dad still there. Caber.

Yeah, they're still sort of there. They live out of town a little bit. Violence. There's a lot of violence in Mirabar. You're doing a good sell. I'm not going to be the spokesman for their tourist bureau. Have you done gigs up there? No.

They asked you to though, didn't they? They did ask me to. Yes. But no, I'd be, where are you from originally? I'm from Strathmore, which is just on the way to the airport. Oh, is it? Where they filmed The Castle. That's where I'm from. Oh, right. the way to near Essendon Airport. Oh, is it? Where they filmed The Castle. That's where I'm from.

Oh, right. I used to teach back there as well. What did you teach? Well, I'm a qualified drama teacher, but I only ever taught part-time. I sort of do gigs, teach during the day for three or four lessons, fill in, and then I do gigs at night. I would do a gig, and they'd ring me at about

8.30 in the morning, and I'd say, I did a gig last night. I'd come in at recess, and I'd do gigs at 9. I would do a gig and they'd ring me at about 8.30 in the morning and I'd say, I did a gig last night. I'd come in at recess and I'd teach from recess to the end of the day, which is four classes. That's all you had to do to qualify as an emergency teacher. And then go do that, come home, have a sleep and go and do gigs again. So when you, I guess when you started to be well-known and be on TV, were you still teaching then? Yeah. started to be well known and be on TV, were you still teaching then? Yeah.

I started off doing ads, quite a few ads, which I think Hamish and Andy showed my first ad on their website a couple of years ago. And then I slowly moved away from the teaching as I got more and more stand-up. And then that was probably the mid-80s. Then I started doing little bits of television in the mid-80s. Yeah, right. What was your first ad? Just Jeans. Oh, yeah.

I think I have seen that. With Barry Round, the footballer. Yeah, yeah. I have seen that. I did see that. I had a moustache. I looked like something, a porn star. That's right.

Barry Round, he was your quintessential 80s footballer too. Yeah, he was big. Just a massive barn-looking man with a very 80s, like with the sort of haircut that you have when you're five and your mum and dad are combing your hair for you. $600 I got. $600? For doing a national campaign for Just Jeans.

Right. Two ads. Not a lot of money, is it? But now that's like eight grand with inflation. Yeah, probably. Probably. I didn't get to keep the jeans either. What about Barry Round, name dropping.

There we go again. You're good friends with Shane Warne, aren't you? Yes, I am. Yeah. Now, that's a weird dynamic from the outside looking in. Well, yeah, we met and fell in love some years ago. We've been texting each other ever since. And no, I just got to know him.

He came on the panel a couple of times and played a couple of charity events for him. And now I'm on the Shane Warren Foundation board. Yep. So we organise two or three events a year and we get together. But I just get to get and play golf occasionally. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I met Liz Hurley. Oh, did you?

How was that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I met Liz Hurley. Oh, did you? How was that? Well, it was weird because I drove past his house and went, man, what's going on in the front of your house? This is pretty weird. And then he rang back and said, do you want to come around for dinner because we can't

get out of the house because it was just surrounded. The house was surrounded. So yeah, that'll be good. So I went home and I was having a shower and I thought, I'd better take something to drink. He said, we're just having takeaway Chinese, so it's no big deal. So I pulled two bottles of wine out of the rack, an expensive one and a, well, let's be honest, a cheap one. And I'm looking at them going, well, that one's worth about $80 to $100

and that one's worth probably about $20 something. It's only takeaway Chinese. It's only warning. He won't mind. I'll just take the cheap one. So I get around, it's only takeaway Chinese. It's only warning. He won't mind. I'll just take the cheap one. So I get around it, not thinking. And the world's paparazzi are there. And I ring Shane and say, man, I'm here.

He goes, I'll open the gate for you. He thinks I'm in the driveway. And I'm going to pull the car. And that's what you do. You drive in, you get past. But I wasn't. I was down the street. He opens the gate.

They all run to the gate. And I'm going, oh, now I'm in trouble. Now I've got to go hard if I'm going to get through the paparazzi. And I'm going, and of course, they're going to ask me what sort of wine I've got. Dickhead. Cardboard box there. Robin's pictured holding a box of Coolabar, pretty much. Anyway, so I don't know whether you saw the photo in the paper, but it was put it under the arm, head down, go hard. And they saw me and the cameras went crazy. What have you got, Glenn?

What sort of wine? What sort of wine? What sort of – where are you going? What's happening? What are you eating? Where are you going? What's going on? No, no big deal, guys.

Show us the wine. Show us the wine. Didn't show the wine. Get in. And then the door opens, and Shane's standing there, and we go in, and we meet Liz and have a chat. And then I go, oh, hang on. I think I left my car open.

So Shane just throws me the remote control to the front gate, which is at that time, you remember, there was so many people there. Everyone wanted the power to open the gate. I had the power to open the gate. So I was standing there. I walk out of the driveway, and it's a bit like on The Price is Right when they reveal the prize, and everyone thinks they're going to get a new car. It's just an outdoor setting.

And I push the gate. And when they hit the gate, we go, brr. And as soon as they heard the buzz, they would just run and there'd be about 50 paparazzi standing there. So I go, brr. The gate opens and it's Uncle Arthur. It's not Shane Warne or Liz Hurley. It's a has-been comedian. And anyway, so then I go out and get my car,

pull it back into the driveway, and they're going, then the camera's in the window. They're all just going crazy. What's happening? What's happening? I'm pointing the remote control at the gate, and it's not working. And they're just at me. I'm going, what?

What's going on? I was pointing it the wrong way. I was opening the garage door across the road, I think. Anyway, got inside and had a lovely night. Had to take away Chinese and, you know, had a chat to Liz. And what's she like? Well, I didn't talk to her that much. She's very nice.

Because I'm a little bit obsessed with when you see pretty ladies in the paper and on TV and whatever, and then you see them in real life, then they're like another level above, aren't they, generally? Well, sometimes they are. Sometimes they're not. So this one, Liz, wasn't? No, she was very beautiful. Some women, I think, are incredibly photogenic. In other words, they look a lot better on film.

Oh, right, too deep. Yeah, and some women are breathtakingly beautiful when you see them. Some classic models, I find, that I've been out with. But she's a classic beauty. Yeah. Delightful to be around. But yeah, it's always a bit weird when you meet well-known people because they're usually not quite as good looking

and often a bit shorter. Right. Because I've met a lot of them on the panel and they're kind of – Well, there's their image and then there's who's sitting there and you go, are you the same? How do you do all that? Because on the screen you look 10 foot tall, but sitting there you look like just a – Who's a shirtless?

I have that right now. You're in a high chair right at the moment. Who's been like that? Well, politicians are really interesting. Politicians are – invariably in the green room would be really interesting and vulnerable and chatty and really likeable. As soon as the red light went on, bang. Right. Put the political face on, put that head on.

And you feel like, you know what, be the guy you were in the green room. You're going to win a lot more votes if you're that easygoing guy. But as soon as they get up there, they get quite defensive. Yeah, yeah. Scared of losing. Scared of losing. But as soon as they get up there, they get quite defensive. Yeah, yeah.

They're scared of losing. Scared of losing. Well, with Shane Warne, we had a friend of the show. We had Eddie Perfect on a little while back. And, of course, he did Shane Warne the musical. And he was telling us about meeting him. And it was all fine. He was a nice man and everything.

But he was saying, regular listeners at the show will know this bit, where he said, his one bit of advice to Eddie was, you had the wrong colour undies on during the show because you've got to wear the white undies if you're out for rooting. Is he going out rooting? If you're going out rooting, you've got to wear the white undies. So did he pass on any, has he ever passed any tips to you? Not any tips. I mean, if you, I mean, Shane and I have had many a conversation, and if we were bringing a plate to that party,

I'd be bringing a little savoury cracker, and he'd be bringing a small bit for it. He'd be bringing the $80 bottle of wine, you'd be bringing the $20. Exactly. So, no, well, you know, he's a good man to talk to, Shane. He has got great philosophy. If you're feeling a bit off your game or whatever. He's a good one to talk to to get yourself back on track.

He's just very direct, and he's incredibly perceptive as far as reading you. He can read. No wonder he can work out batsmen because he can work you out in an instant. His bullshit meter is very, very well tuned. Right. So he knows exactly what's going on around him 100% of the time. He's a great guy. I've been awed of him because I know that the public perception is, you know,

that he's messed up so many times and whatever. But, I mean, I see that as obviously like what you've said before about the politician. It's like he's been the green room guy in his whole life instead of being the shut down guy on air. Yeah, that's right. You see what you get, you get what you see, or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he's very incredibly honest. And sometimes that can get you into trouble.

And sometimes it can be the best thing you can do. Just go, you know what, I messed up. And he's great like that. So I like him a lot. We get on well. And yeah, he's very charismatic and I love him. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Who's better company, Warnie or Ken Doan? Well, it depends what you're talking about. Can I tell you about, there was a time that I was playing, I was doing a variety club cricket match and I was opening the bowling, I think, and I was bowling to Derren Hinch. Tony Barber was at the other end. Oh, awesome. And Kamal was keeping. What? As I'm running in, I'm going, this is like a dream you had when you had pizza.

Yeah. And I bowl the ball and, you know, and Derren misses it, you know, outside off stump and Kamal goes, no spoiling. That is truly the celebrity dickhead cricket match. Yeah, yeah. It is fantastic. This will never happen again. Yeah.

That is, that's, is this an episode of Hey, Hey, Hey Saturday? What was this? Well, this was a long time ago. I will admit it was a long time ago. It was probably 20 years ago. Did Ricky May get a scene? Back when you were in Marlborough, in Maryborough. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ricky May. Ricky May would have been there, wouldn't he? Jeannie Little? Jeannie Little? Yeah, all that clan, you know, and all the people from, you know, and they'd get incredibly drunk and you go, this is in the name of charity, good stuff. That's awesome.

I love that. I love it because it's that thing of, you know, like I said, being in Marlborough, being away from everything. Even Melbourne's like Hollywood to you. Like, you know, begging to go to your cousin's house at the top of a hill to watch the Channel 10 morning cartoons. That was awesome. And was it like really blurry and staticky and you could barely see anything?

Sometimes in good weather, if I get up really, you know when you get up really early to watch the cartoons? Yeah, yeah. I get up really early because the reception would be the clearest it was going to be. At 6am, I might be able to get a bit of the early bird show. I might be able to get a bit of Daryl Cotton and Marty Monster. That wasn't a bad show.

They used to play around a bit because that was that famous bit of footage, wasn't it? Yeah, yeah. With the kangaroo. With the kangaroo. Yeah, yeah. Worldwide. It was great. I mean, Hey, Hey, It's Saturday back then as well was in the morning.

I'm of the era of watching it in the morning. It was great then. And being weaned onto it. There was also on BTV6, there was also this awesome show before the cartoons. So you'd get up and you'd just be wishing the cartoons to be coming on at like 6.30. But before that, there was a show called Turf Talk. And it was, for some reason, it was at 6 a.m. on a Saturday morning. And it was a guy talking about his tips for the weekend for the horse racing.

But this guy was incredibly drunk every week. Like he'd been drinking all night. And at 6 till 6.30, even as a kid, I'm going, this guy is soused. He was like completely red and sweating and slurring. And it was like going live to air every week. It was a very weird way to learn about alcohol as a child. Yeah. I ended up living in that guy's son's house in Ballarat.

Really? I moved to Ballarat and that guy ended up, his son was the mayor of Ballarat and I lived in his house. Wow. So. Again, all good for the biography. Yeah. I think Tim Winton should write up your life.

I think it'd be more like called Boring Street rather than anything else. Well, guys, that does bring us to the end of the program for another week. Thank you so much to Glenn Robbins for joining us. You're on tour now? You're doing shows at the moment? Not doing any shows at the moment.

Good bit of promo then? Yeah. The problem we have is that Mick Malloy does football shows, a football show on Sunday night, so we can't really tour because Sunday night will be the only primetime. So hopefully we'll do some stuff, Robyn Stilson and Malloy-wise, after the football season. What about this?

During the football season, Robyn Stilson, Chad. Well, I think we've been. We did Geelong the other night. Yeah, we did the Hook Hand Tour. Yeah. What about Robbins, Stilson and Warney? Oh, now we've got something. Yeah.

We've got jokes. We've got a few tips for the nightlife. Yeah. A bit of everything. You grab that. You can do a bit of stand-up and you can go, joking Warney, holding Warney, joking War, holding warning, joking warning.

I like it. If you crouched behind him as he's telling jokes. All right, thanks so much, Glenn Robbins, for coming in and joining us. Thanks, guys. Thanks, guys, for listening. We'll be back next week with more Little Dumb Dumb Club. See you, mate. See you, mate. What can I say?