The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 3 - Justin Hamilton

Episode Date: November 9, 2010

Eskimo pie auditions, childhood pranks and gym vengeance. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey, mate. Welcome back to The Little Dumb Dumb Club once again, Episode 3. Thanks for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo. I'm here once again with Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. Yep. Hey, thanks everyone for joining us, everyone who's checked out the show so far.

Some of you may be joining us for the first time this week. That might be because a friend recommended the show. It may be joining us for the first time this week. That might be because a friend recommended the show. It may be because you stumbled upon it. Or it could be because Carl Chandler sent out an email about the show and accidentally sent it to his entire mailing list. And it ended up being a little ad in Beat Magazine last week with two pictures of our dumb little heads there going, oh, we're on the internet. Come and listen to what we said in a tiny little studio a couple of weeks ago. Everyone, whoever's picking this up off the floor of a fucking tram.

Yeah, yeah. So that was good. Carl, what have you got for us off the bat? You've got some stuff, I take it? Oh, yeah, I've got a couple of little quick things. I just thought this was funny the other day. I've got a girlfriend. I live with my girlfriend.

Not to brag? Yeah, well, I am heterosexual and I have evidence. So she gets really stressed when she's busy, when things are happening. She gets really stressed and really sort of a bit out of control. I think she gets a bit out of body. And i just thought it was quite funny the other morning she got up and she was she was clearly running late for work and then i even i knew it and i said hey how are you really running late for work and she's like yeah it's yeah but it's okay it's not too late and she said it's only like uh 8 25 so it's running late i said no it's it's okay. It's not too late. And she said, it's only like 8.25, so it's running late.

I said, no, it's like 8.35. And she was like, no, no, no, it's 8.25. I said, look, this on my mobile, it's 8.35. And she said, well, what time is it on the clock on the wall? And I said, 8.35. She said, well, what time is it on the alarm clock? And I said, 8.35. And then she just looked at me with this panicked, angry look and went,

I'll tell you this much, things have got to change around here. What things? What things? The time. Yeah, your watch. That's all the things that's got to change. And that's got nothing to do with me. Don't point your finger at me.

The time has to change around here. And guess what? That's already happened. That happened while you were talking. I hope she was facing Greenwich Mean Time rather than facing me. I don't know why I copped that one, but anyway. I guess in the studio today, we're very lucky to have him in. He's a good pal of ours.

He is one of the best stand-ups in the country. You might be currently watching his work on the third series of the ABC's The Librarians. It's Justin Hamilton. Yes. Yay! Thank you. You know, I know some people that have been watching it that haven't realised that I play Michael Arnott,

commonly referred to as Biscuit, who is the angry bass player in The Librarians. In the flashback scenes, I get to, for those who haven't seen it, I get to wear a mullet, skin-tight jeans, a skin-tight t-shirt and walk around Cuban hills and I pretty much throw my guitar at Wayne Hope in anger because he won't get his hair cut.

So, spoiler alert for those who are hanging out for the DVD. Well, it's not, well, yeah. You know what, I watched the librarians and I was really let down with the twist that Hammo is an angry arsehole. There's no twist. But I know some people that have been watching it who have been saying to me,

oh, yeah, how funny is the librarians? And you go, oh, right, yeah. And they say, yeah, how funny is the Midnight Oil's cover band star? And I go, yeah. And then after a while you say, you know I'm in it. And they go, no. And so it turns out flashback scenes with a mullet makes me look very different, makes me look like I play for the Fremantle Dockers. Without glasses too. You look completelyers. Without glasses, too.

You look completely different. Without glasses, yes. I look like the kind of guy that you wouldn't let in your taxi at 4 a.m., stinking of Euros and other sorts of things. And also, it turns out, in the present-day shots, if I part my hair on the side and with the 10 pounds that camera adds, I'm the kind of guy that you say around July, Hi, mate, do you mind doing my taxes? So it seems to be the two looks.

But you still wouldn't let him in the cab at 4am. At 5am. Either that or you just really submerge yourself in your role. There's that as well. Yeah. Because normally for those people who don't know me, I'm a 48-year-old Inuit woman. So it's amazing what I'm doing.

Do a bit of Google Images and that's what will come up. Exactly. Wouldn't that be great if that happened? So it is amazing what I'm doing. Do a bit of Google Images and that's what will come up. Exactly. Wouldn't that be great if that happened? So it is good to have you in here. It is good to have a paid professional actor in here because we were going to record this yesterday and we had to bump it to today. Well, Carl, didn't you have an audition yesterday? Well, I don't mean to brag, but I was a little bit busy yesterday being humiliated.

So what was the – can you tell us what the audition was for? Well, I don't mean to brag, but I was a little bit busy yesterday being humiliated. So what was the, can you tell us what the audition was for? I can. It was for a low grade of pie. It wasn't for 4 and 20. It wasn't for any of your highfalutin fancy pies. It was more of your C grade pie. I won't say the brand. So you're going to do the professional thing and not name them.

Yeah. But you are going to completely bag them out so everybody wants to join the dots? I'm originally from Adelaide, so you've got Billy's and Balfour's, which are very good. But I'm sure they're not here. There's 4 and 20. To be honest, if it's not 4 and 20, I don't know what it is. Isn't there something like a Mrs. McGillicuddy chicken and mushroom one or something? Something like that.

I'm pretty certain I've eaten that at 4 in the morning. It was an Eskimo. Uh, what? Eskimo. Oh, Eskimo pie, yeah. Oh man, that would be amazing if you were in an Eskimo pie. I would have tried harder. That's a Facebook group right there. Get Carl Chandler to be the Eskimo pie. Eskimo pie. Let's get something, the movement, it's Carl's

face on the wrapper. Eskimo pies are equal parts tasty and equal parts hurt the teeth. That's good. I like a bit of Boscastle. Is that how you pronounce it? Boscastle? Sure. A lot of fancy bakeries. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I like them. They do a good chicken leek and cheese. Yeah, yeah. I like the chicken ones.

If they are up for sponsoring the show, we are keen. Yeah. Pie up. Now that we've cleared what all the good pies are, back to shit pie. So now, this is an audition for a radio advert, a TV advert. TV, TV advert. But I find it incredibly uncomfortable to be anyone else.

Because, I mean, I've said it to, I think, you guys before. What I call acting is I call it pretending, professional pretending. You're having your little pretend session, Your little make-believe session. You've got your little horsies out. Alright, you stand there and now be a duck. You're a good little duck, aren't you? That is another thing. I would love to see you as a duck in

an ad for something. Selling Eskimo pie. An Eskimo duck. Eskimo duck pie. One of my favourite cover bands. For people who have never been to an audition, can you give us a bit of a setup to what it was like before you went in and if you had any kind of brief? Yeah, well, this is a callback stage, isn't it? Yeah, I did surprise myself. I've been to a few auditions and I've been horrible. I've been really bad at it and I haven't even learnt the lines properly enough to know what I'm doing. So this one I learnt the lines really properly because there wasn't that many. And I went in there and to be honest, the role needed someone to be a bit of an arsehole to a kid.

Right. So I could have just phoned this in. Right. I could have done this underwater. They didn't even know you're a comedian. They just saw you in the street and thought your vibe was spot on. Bring that inside. Put a ceiling over that and we've got magic.

So hang on. So you went for the first audition. That went well. That, I remember my lines. So I regard that as going well. So, well, and you got called back. Yeah. So I got a call back.

This is the second round. How many people in the studio waiting to go in? Oh, I think there was a couple. And is it like that classic sort of sitcom thing where they all just look like you? No. They've all got the exact same, they're all wearing stripy T-shirts and... No. Or was it the opposite?

Was there like a, you know, a five footthree black man, a tubby Spanish. No, no, no. One of those. No, it was all pretty – you know, that's funny because everyone did sort of – everyone had a bit of stubble. We all got asked to have stubble and look a bit scruffy, so we all looked a bit like that. I was wondering what was going on there.

Yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, obviously the listeners have already figured that one out themselves. Yeah, so I went to this audition went to this audition and it was american an american uh director so he went properly american director over wow can you give us an example uh well i had to do an audition with this little girl and so he was directing her and like really treating her like a proper actor and she was like two maybe yeah and he was like going right now i want you to believe like you're uh you know you're saying this to her you you're like this you you you know you're angry

just pretend you know you're like uh uh like john malkovich or you know something like this like to a two-year-old and i don't think he thought it through and she was just like she would do the line and go i've got the pie pie, old man. And then you go, no, but really believe it. And she'd be going, I've got the pie, old man. And it was like, oh, it's just very frustrating. But yeah, it was, yeah, it's really frustrating. I think it's horrible because I feel awkward doing whatever, you know, pretending to be whatever, let alone, you know, when they get you to,

they got me to do, the last audition I did, they got me to dance just out of the blue. Right. You kept that from me for a long time. Yeah, right. Was that for hairspray? No. I was doing this ad and they go, you know,

dance just like Demetri Martin dances. And I'm like, I don't know how to tell you this, lady, but I've never seen him dance. But then she's like, no, no, no, yeah, just dance. Just start dancing. And I'm like, this is horrible. Like, I feel uncomfortable enough acting, pretending to be someone else, let alone that's like taking all your clothes off.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, dancing. Because it's like two women, I'm dancing, they've got a handy cam. Yeah. Like, for all I know, they'd bought the domain name carlosadickhead.com, and they were just getting footage for the start-up. That's my next question. What was this audition for?

It was for a telephone company. Yeah, you know what they were doing. They were going to take footage of you and go home and have a fucking session looking at Carl Schenck's footage. I reckon that's it, yeah. A bit of finger-banging. So anyway, this thing yesterday, the American director, and then it got to me and he sort of said to me,

like I did the lines, and then he went, right, right, great. What I want you to be, I want you to be like Belushi. And I'm like, I barely know who John Belushi is. Like I'm aware of who he is. You do say Gesundheit at the end of that? Yeah, that's how little you knew of Belushi. You didn't mean Jim? Well, that was it. I thought, well, by the end of the performance, I? Yeah. That's how little you knew of Belushi. Yeah. Well, I do know. You didn't mean Jim. Well, that was it.

I thought, well, by the end of the performance I did was Jim Belushi, like, not Jim Belushi. It was more according to Jim than Animal House. Yeah, okay. But he went, he went, right, right, you know, just like Jim Belushi would do it. And I was like, okay. And I had no idea what that meant. Yeah. So I just went, what, American voice or voice or what i realized it would look so stupid

because say i did the line hey give me that pie kid and he's like no john belushi and i'm like give me that pie kid like that's what i thought john belushi would put the emphasis on maybe if he was still alive yeah he's a big guy and he liked pies yeah yeah exactly so that was the line give me that pie oh something like that i can't remember there was a few pretzels are making me thirsty that's your line give me that pie i had. Oh, it was something like that. I can't remember. There was a few. These pretzels are making me thirsty. That was your line, give me that pie, kid. I had three lines. But by the end of it, like, he gave me, like, two, three goes. And I knew.

Like, I thought, when I came in there, I thought, oh, I'm doing an okay job. I know the lines. And then he gave me a bit of this harsh advice. And I was like, oh, I've just, like a deck of cards, like a house of cards, I've fallen. Like, I don't know what I'm doing. Yeah. So by the third one, he goes, do the line again like this. And I go, okay.

And I did it. And say the last line was, give me that pie, kid. I've gone, give me that pie, kid. And then there was silence. And I sort of looked up to sort of see what the reaction was. He's sitting in the corner of the room reading a newspaper, doesn't even look up. And I look at him and he just doesn't look up and he just goes, thank you, Carl.

I'm like, yeah, I'm pretty sure that's not thank you, Carl, because we don't need to look at anyone else because you got the gig. Yeah, yeah. You should have said to him, can you deliver that for me the way John Belushi would deliver that? Like a sensitive guy? The way John Belushi would reject me? Like someone doing guy? Like a guy John Belushi would reject me? Like someone doing their job properly that isn't a yank

fuckhead. I did an audition, it was one of my first auditions I'd done, it was about maybe three or four years ago and it was just, I won't say where they were from, but they were like, we want you to come in and read for this pilot and I was like really excited and I got the script and I was like, oh this would be really

cool to get and then I read the character description of the part and it was like a short, chubby guy with a huge nose and a receding hairline. Are you serious? Yeah, that's verbatim what the character description was. Are you sure that wasn't your profile on the website? Yeah. Did you get that confused? Yeah.

I had Mr. Baldi as my profile picture for a little while. Yeah. You've got to work on your self-esteem. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, what you were saying, Carl, about your ad, just you saying the ad about having to pick on a little kid did remind me of something that my friend texted me the other day. And this also ties into something we were talking about in the first episode in how much you delight in other people's failure and or misery.

And let me say this has been quoted back at me many times. Really? People that don't know you have said back to me heaps, hey, that Tommy Daslow is right on the mark. You know when he said that you were an arsehole? So anyway, this is a text that I got from Pat Raz, not friend of the show but friend of me. Friend of half of the show.

I really think there's a huge chance that when I die, I will still remember this as the best text message I ever received because this is pretty spectacular. This is a Friday, our most awesome thing. There was a white Lamborghini. Some school kid got down on his knees and did the whole we're not worthy, like praising it thing. The Lamborghini put its window down and pegged a Macca's Coke at him,

hit him square in the face and then burned off. Oh, wow. Isn't that just brutal? That karma ran over that person's dogma. That is fantastic. I mean, that's a weird thing for like the person who bought the car because presumably you buy a Lamborghini because you want people

to see you in the street and be kind of awestruck and like, oh, how amazing is this? And then someone gives you that and you're just... But it was the wrong person. Why did you buy this Lamborghini to have a fucking... Yeah, cop a Coke in the face. Shut up, kid. Shut up, kid.

That's what I've always thought about limousines, because limousines are the big sign of success and whatever. And if you're in a limousine, you're on the way to an awards night or you're celebrating something, you're a big shot. A limousine means you're a big shot, yeah? Yeah. And then there's tinted windows on it. You're a big shot or you're like 30 18-year-olds with 20 bucks.

But there's tinted windows on it, but that's so dumb because the only thing anyone does is like you say, like just a bunch of kids going on their way to a deb or something. Yeah. They just wind those tinted windows down and hang out going, yeah. Why have the windows that you can't see through? Yeah, that's fair. What, are you saying there should be special ones for Far-Cat kids?

Well, there should be no windows in a limousine. Just so people can... Maybe like it should be Fred Flintstone's car. Yeah. So people can get a look at you in a limousine. Yeah, yeah. There should be no roof on a limousine. Yeah, you're right.

Oh, so you're saying... It should be like a poker bill. It should be transparent doors. So you're saying that by being in one you're wanting to show off and not being able to see that you're in there defeats the whole thing. Exactly.

Okay, I'll get you. That's like going out with Jessica Alba and then putting a bag over her. Yeah, don't look at her, mate. I don't need you looking at her.

Yeah. But I want you to know she's very special. Yeah. On that whole throwing a Macca's coat thing, we were talking about this last Friday night

and one of my mates goes, have you ever done a fire in the hole? Have you guys ever heard of what that is? No. This is awful. I do not condone this behavior. Is this like dogs in the bath? I don't know what that is.

That's when, I'm going to get graphic here. Please do. I did not make up this term. So anyway, that's when you stick your balls in someone's arsehole, and they keep popping out like a dog in the bath and you draw, hey, hey, hey, you stay in there, you villain. That's called dogs in the bath. You know what, you add a Sandler voice on when you say that.

Well, it seems like the right voice for it. I don't think you need a name for that move. You just need balls in the arse. I think that's fine. Well, you just, you know, you want to make it a little bit more classy for the person who's copping it. Like dogs in the bathtub, so are my balls in your arsehole. I would quite happily watch that on school holidays for two weeks.

Guess what happened in the latest episode? Guess what happened? He stuck his balls in someone's arsehole. Oh, my God, that's great. He was putting his balls in her arsehole six months ago on the last school holidays. Nothing ever changes on that show. It's always balls in someone's arsehole. God, it's so slow.

That chick's only had balls and she stuck them in that guy's arsehole. Oh, that was a twist I never saw coming. This has made Fire in the Hole seem really disappointing by comparison. I should have said mine before I let you go. Yes. But Fire in the Hole is, I don't know if it's, I guess it's meaner. Basically, you go through Macca's drive-thru, you get like a thick shake, and then you yell Fire on the Hole.

You just pivot back through the window, the person who gave it to you. Oh, really? Yeah. Apparently that's a thing that people do. Don't fuck yourself if you're one of those people. If you're listening and you're one of those people, like sticking your balls in someone's arsehole, I would had as it a guess that the person that you do it with is probably up for it.

But you know what? People working at McDonald's are fucking just trying to have their first job or they're 28 and don't have any other skills and don't fucking take it out on them. Like if it was Ronald McDonald, pick him with one. Yeah. What about that well-known fire in the arsehole where you get a McDonald's thick shake and you throw it up someone's arsehole? Oh, now that is funny.

Fire in the bath. Fire in the muck hole. I do like the idea, though, that you would do that. You'd be like a bunch of lads out on a Saturday night and you'd do that and then you'd get around the corner and go, oh, fuck, we're actually kind of hungry. We've been eating some food and then having to shuffle back in and go, look, I know we got off on the wrong foot,

but I promise it's not going to happen again. Yeah, or you know what would happen is they'd be standing there going, oh, yeah, how good are we? Oh, yeah. Oh, what do you want to do now? Oh, let's not have sex with women for the next seven years. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that sounds good.

Oh, yeah. That's what that'd be like. I don't know if I tried to do it. I'd fuck up and I'd have the window closed. I could never be that kind of person. Oh, yeah. Fire my own arsehole. You know, the only thing that I ever did with McDonald's was with four of my mates when I was pretty young.

We went through the drive-thru naked, but we pretended we were in a car, so we had seatbelts on and going, You were naked, really? All four of us were naked, and we thought, and then got our stuff and put them in the back seat, and drove off, and that was the height of hilarity. How old were you? 27.

No, I was about 16. 16. Oh, well, that was a giveaway. You're. How old were you? 27. No, I was about 16. 16. Oh, well, that was a giveaway. You're clearly not old enough to drive a car. No. No, no. What were your options? My friends were 18, so they could.

Oh, okay. Yeah. You're not believable driving an invisible car at 16. Get done for that. All I ever did was we used to do this very stupid tame thing in comparison to that where we would go through and then order like one 40 cent, 50 cent cone, grab it, just say thank you, and then just slam it into the windscreen and then wave goodbye. Into your own windscreen? Yeah. And how old were you?

Oh, 22 or so. You sound like, from what you've told me in the past, you sound like you were the king of pranks when you were growing up. I don't know about pranks. You've told me about some prank phone calls that are pretty amazing. Really? Yeah. Just stupid. Yeah.

No point to them. Anyone in particular? Because my mate and I used to ring AM radio in Adelaide. Yeah, so did we. And we always used to, I don't know what you used to do, we always used to pretend we were taxi drivers. And we always tried to drop the C-bomb because, you know, there's a seven-second delay. And so you'd always drop it right at the end, and then they'd go, oh, well, they've let themselves down.

Exactly, yeah, yeah, yeah. But we managed it once. Yeah, well, we would really... My mate finished off, and I was like, blah, blah, blah, okay, thanks, thanks, mate, thanks, cunt. And then we'd get up, and then we heard her come up, and we went, eh, And then we went, oh, well, we've achieved what we set out to achieve. There's no point ever doing this again. We used to bring up footy shows on AM radio at like 12 at night or something because you knew it was easy to get through.

Yeah. So we would do something, but just try and be as stupid as you can. So I would get up there and go, right, Rocky, I've got two questions. Right, Sam Kekovic, I've got two questions for you. One, how do you reckon Shea Cockadoo Collins is going to go? Yeah, great. So firstly, that's the first question. Second question is, why is...

And then they would let it go on and then go, oh, hang on, he's being silly. This isn't going to end up sensible. That is funny. You know, it was a harmless way of spending, you know, it's not like you were roaming the streets and attacking pensioners. You were just, you know, upsetting people who were trying to do a little show on radio. Well, this might go into what you quite like to hear about, Tommy Desolo. Yes, this is an old favorite of mine.

Yeah, I used to work at a newspaper. My first ever job, I worked in a country about. Yes. Tommy Dessler. Yes. This is an old favourite of mine. Yeah. I used to work at a newspaper. My first ever job, I worked in a country newspaper. Yeah. And one of my things, it was pretty tedious because, believe it or not, there wasn't a lot of internet involved. So this is like, how long ago is it? Like 12 years ago or something. So that's sort of, that's nearly-

This is like back before history. Yeah, exactly. It was like you had to put coins in coin-operated typewriters and shit like that. Shit. So. Big umbrellas for big flights. Yeah. We used to get really limited internet, really limited.

So basically what I had to do was they would fax the TV guide to us, to the newspaper, and I would type it out. And it would take a day and a half of my week, I think, a day, a day and a half of my week, just to do the TV guide for a whole week. Right, jeez. So that's pretty boring. Yeah. So what I would-

How long did you do this for? Oh, 18 months. Oh, right. Wow. But you do other stuff like- Yeah. During the week or whatever. But so to keep myself sane, to keep myself interested, what I would do is I would make

up movies and put them at late night and whatever. Every week there'd be a couple of movies that I'd just flat out made up. So for example, it would be like Sunday night, midnight on the ABC, late night movie, Justin Hamilton rides again. Starring Justin Hamilton and Sunshine Johnson or whoever Dickhead. I would think of who the town Dickhead was and I'd put one of my mates in the same movie as some hobo.

That's great. So that's what I would do every week. Yeah. And it entertained myself and I thought, gee, I wonder if I'll ever, you know, no one ever said anything because, you know, no one read the guide and whatever. There were late night movies and whatever, but I went around to my mate's once and his mum was like, yeah, you know what I really like watching? Late night movies, the English late night movies.

And I'm like, oh yeah, that's interesting. And she's like, yeah, and I never know what movie is going to be on because the movie is always wrong. And I'm like, yeah, I don't know what's happened there. And she goes, well, I reckon I know what's happened. You know why I reckon I know what's happened? Because last week, apparently my son was in the movie. All right. Yep. Okay. happened because last week apparently my son was in the movie all right yep okay so it got to like the end of my tenure at this place and uh we went out for drinks on my last night and i said to

everyone by the way i got pretty pissed and i said to uh the people said by the way this is what i've been doing for the last 18 months two years i've been making up movies every week to keep myself interested and they just went, what? What? And I'm like, yep. What do you think about that? They're like, okay, well, you can't do much about it now. They took back the Swatch Watch that they told me.

Oh, I wish. That would have been cool. So it got to Monday and I was in my new job. And I got a call from them. And I'm like, oh, yeah, what's happening? And they're like, yeah, no, we were just ringing you just seeing if you were going to watch what was on TV tonight. And I was like, I don't know what's on TV tonight because I would do it weeks in advance.

Yeah. And they go, well, apparently at 8.30 tonight on Channel 9, there's a movie called So Long Suckers starring Carl Chandler. Oh yeah, that's right. I was going to tape that one. That is good. You are the original prankster. Yeah.

And I also used to make up all the kids' letters because no kids were sending any letters. So I used to make up all the kids' letters and make them sound like they were on drugs, like all these insane letters. And then the kids' editor would come around and go, what's wrong with the kids in this town? All these insane letters.

And then all the blockbuster vouchers would just pile up because no one ever came in to collect their prize for the story of the week because I wrote them all. Right. And so you were kids riding with flippers, that kind of thing. Was it physical ailments? Was it mental ailments? Or was it a bit of both that you gave them?

I don't know. I just put all my friends in the stories again. Oh, really? Yeah. Wow, these kids. They must be watching the late night movies and then writing in. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Half the paper was written by me, apparently.

So I believe that this talk of pranks and mucking about, I believe this leads into something that you were wanting to chat about, Justin. Yes. Did you want me to talk about the gym? Is that the... I'm not sure what segue... No, you told me to segue into it by saying stuff that you did when you were younger that you regret.

Oh, right. No, no, no, that's not... No, you fucked up the segue, but that's... It was a good effort. No. I'm not editing this out, by the way. No, you shouldn't. You shouldn't.

It's... Can't. It's true. There you are. No, you shouldn't. You shouldn't. It's true. Can't. There you are. No, it's true and honest. No, what I was talking about was not looking back at stuff that you regret, but looking back at stuff and thinking, geez, why did I do that? Why did I get the balls to do that?

Right. Okay. Because when you get older, you learn fear. Yeah. You get experience, and experience teaches you not to do things. So I caught up with a guy called Craig Spencer who used to be the lead guitarist of one of the main singers and the brains behind a South Australian band called the Clowns of Decadence, which were a punk rock band, used to dress up as clowns, they used to do these

big production shows. Were they sort of like an earlier version of the Insane Clown Posse? No, apart from the clown bit, I guess. Okay, yeah, that's all I wanted. It was a little bit more, you know, quite theatrical shows, and, you know, they used to put on lots of acts around their shows as well, and they were really quite successful for a long period of time in Adelaide and they used to travel around there on Triple J, etc.

And what happened was I started off in a comedy duo called the Bunta Boys. I used to perform with a mate of mine called Damien and we used to do sketches, songs and things like that. And about four or five months into our career, we were performing at this place called Bolt's Cafe and we used to perform there on a regular basis. And when we started off, like I'll be honest, we used to do song parodies because that's where you start off.

Give us one. You know, so the second song parody that we ever came up with, let me see if I can remember it. So this is going back. When I say this is the second song parody that we ever came up with um uh let me see if i can remember it so this is going back when i say this is the second song parody this is going back to april 1994 so cast your minds back cast your minds back so uh my doctor last week said that he had bad news i've been sleeping around now it's time i paid my dues I now had something I could share with a select few. I've taken so much, now it's time to give back to you. Yeah, open up your thighs, then you realize you cannot survive.

Everlasting thrush, don't you understand? We're not just in a band, we're guarded by the glass. Everlasting thrush, this thrush will last forever. This thrush will last forever. I love that line of Morrisette. It's awesome. So, you know, the tragedy, just as a little side note, the tragedy of that was we performed for five years

and, you know, within about six months, we'd started writing our own songs, et cetera, and we wrote some really funny songs. And when we did our final shows, I had a few people, enough to make me feel a bit sad in my soul, come up after us going, it's really sad that you guys are breaking up. And, gee, I'll tell you what, though, you never bettered that Everlasting Thrush song.

Are you serious? Are you serious? We've written some funny, clever songs, and that's the one. That's all people want. Just made me laugh, and, yeah, that's all people want, really. That's all people want. So anyway, so we started off back in April of 94, so we'd been performing for I think about three or four months.

And this Craig Spencer from the Clowns of Decadence approached me, and he said, you know, he loved our act. He thought we were amazing. And he said he was a very smart guy. He taught us a lot about management and that. But he said, do you want to go on the road with us? And we were both 21. We went, fuck, yeah.

Let's go out on the road. And so for about three years, we opened for a punk rock band. Now, there is something very bizarre about, you know, one of the main guys, the Clowns of Decadence will be coming out soon, but first it's the Bunta Boys. Hey, jangle, jangle, open up your thighs. And we used to, for the most part, go pretty well, but there were gigs where I would remember,

like we were talking earlier, performed in Ballarat, and it was like the Mavises, then the Bunta Boys and us. In Adelaide, one of the CD launches, it was Powderfinger, the Bunta Boys. Really? Yeah, this is true. Then the Clowns of Decadence, right? Oh, you were both opening for Clowns of Decadence.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It would have been great if they'd gotten you to open for them on their farewell tour. Oh, that would have been amazing. Open your thighs on the... Yeah. They open your thighs to it. We would have been too edgy for them. So, no, it's true. We would have been too edgy for them. But, no, it's true.

We would have been too edgy for them. But, you know, like we'd be doing gigs and I look back on this and think, fuck, man, I wouldn't even set foot on a stage that was a bit too rowdy anymore because I just think, no, fuck that. But I remember doing gigs where people would be, my character, my onstage persona was quite aggressive. And so some guy would be yelling at me like, what the fuck do you think you're doing?

And I'd be looking at him going, don't fuck your mother in your face. And then you go, open up your thighs, then you realize. So I caught up with Craig recently, and he reminded me of the first gig that we ever did where I learned the despair that can come with performing. It was the first time we ever sucked it really badly, like really died in the ass. Like every experience before that had been good.

Our first gigs in Mount Gambier, after the gig, Craig Spencer goes behind the bar while the bar staff are getting slammed and looks at me and goes, he goes, Hammo, let's play Anarchy. And he rips out two cans of beer, throws one to me, and he goes, run, little fellow. There are other gigs where weips out two cans of beer, throws one to me, and he goes, run, little fellow! And we run off, you know. There are other gigs where we went out, we got smashed,

and we all passed out in the tour bus that they'd made. You wake up in the morning and there's all these clowns waking up with makeup smeared on their face. Gets you over your fear of clowns quickly because you wake up, you go, oh, it's gone, okay. But there was this, the first gig was Bridgewater in Adelaide, and we were dying. Like, we were dying within, were dying within like 30 seconds. Because sometimes people would just see us and go,

what the fuck is this about? And that's what would make them pay attention. Why aren't they going jingle jangle? What does Bunta Boys mean by that? Bunta is a South Australian aboriginal word for crazy. So we're the crazy boys. So we'd do things like we used to have a song called Gee Quentin, I know you've got a bad disease,

but please at least try to catch the medicine ball. And we used to have, sometimes we'd have a Quentin doll on stage introducing us and he'd get angry about us. Dave Williams, comedian Dave Williams used to be the Quentin voice. We did the support for the Doug Anthony All-Stars once and we had this Quentin doll introducing us, saying how much he hated us. And then Beethoven's Fifth Play and we came out dressed as a clockwork orange with baseball bats going, and then we launched into our Cypress Hill parody of Go Bunter in the Brain.

Oh, bring back the Bunter boys. Oh, man. There was, like, just before I get into this shit house gig, oh, maybe I should show you this shit house gig. So anyway, we were doing this shit house gig, and we used to have a thrash song called I Hate Mime, and what would be was my mate Damien would stick his acoustic guitar into a fuzz box, and he'd just go, make this wall of fucking Phil Spector noise,

and I'd be there going, I hate Nazis, I hate mime, and I'd just add whatever lyrics, I just fingered a panda, I hate mime, you know, just going hard, right? So we're doing this gig. We're fucking dying in the arse, and I've looked at Damien, and I've just gone, right, we're going to have to go to the thrash song. So he's saying, Damien. Pull out the big guns.

Pull out the big guns. So Damien plugs in the acoustic guitar to the fuzz box, and I'm like, and the day's like, and then we've looked up, and people are moshing, and they're like, for fuck's sake, we've still got another 15 minutes to do, we've already shot our load, you know what I mean? It's like, no one's going to be up for a fucking Bob Geldof song parody of...

Get Quentin out again. Get Quentin out. So anyway, it was the first time that I'd ever really just thought, oh, I'm going to commit suicide, because fuck, isn't dying on stage the worst thing in the world? And then you eventually get over it. But I'll tell you, I'll finish the Bunta stuff with this, that my favourite ever gig we did was,

to get ready for this gig, we made a papier-mâché pope, and we put it on a cross, and we filled up the stomach area with a plastic bag with, like, sausages and meat and all this kind of stuff. And this was in Adelaide during summer, and so it was probably about 35 degrees outside. We set it up at lunchtime, so what means is in the Bolt's Cafe that we used to perform, it was probably up near 40, 41,

with no air conditioning on, right? It sounds to me like you've learnt from the bands of having to do sound checks during the afternoon and haven't realised that that's not appropriate for comedy. You don't have to set things up in the middle of the day. Well, we had a fucking papier-mâché Pope, for fuck's sake. When I say a papier-mâché Pope, I mean this thing was on a fucking crucifix and it was hanging from the – hung up from the ceiling, you know,

with a few other things that we were going to do. Anyway, so it gets to the – so we set that up around 12.30. It's then 11 o'clock at night. We're doing our feature. Things are going well. And then at the end, we decide to do our song, Revolution Time, Popey. And what happens is I pull the cover down.

There's the Pope crucified. And it's another one where Damien's plugging his acoustic guitar into a fuzz box. And I'm being blasphemous. Anyway, I turn around with a knife at the end of the song while Damien's doing all this feedback and I stabbed the Pope in the stomach. But what had happened was the meat had all gone off

and had gotten all gassy. So when I've stabbed at the plastic bag's berth, I've had all this pig fat shoot out of my shoulder, my face, and it's hit the front table where there's candles. All these girls have screamed. The candles have set the pig fat on fire, which is dripping off the table. I'm pulling the sausages out, swinging them over my head. They're all loose and flying into the audience.

Damien's noticed none of this because he's doing the feedback into the corner. And from the back of the room, someone's yelled out, You've got to burn in hell, Bunta boys! While I'm swinging sausages over my head going, Go fuck yourself! Good times. That is good. So I think you had one more thing that you sizzled up earlier.

Oh, look. Should we bring it home with this? Finish up with this. Yeah. This story, I was kind of proud of myself to begin with. And then I wasn't quite as proud, but there's more laughs in it. So anyway, I was at the gym on Melbourne Cup Day, working out, doing roids,

and I'm on the treadmill with my headphones on, playing some rockin' music, running like a legend. Find a bit of danger zone? A bit of danger zone, exactly. Without irony. And the guy next to me is on his mobile phone, which there's a part of me that just thinks, fuck, dude. Like, one of the great things about the gym is not having your mobile phone.

A lot of them don't allow it, don't they? Yeah, well, yeah, that's another thing, you know. But I had my headphones on. I could vaguely hear him and I could see him out the corner of my eye, but I didn't really care. Anyway, about five minutes later, this woman comes up and stands in between us. Shorter than me, not unfair to say, a little bit dumpy, which might seem harsh now, but it will be important later.

And so she starts talking, and I'm thinking, oh, she's having a crack at this guy for being on his phone. You know, calm down, but if you want to have a crack, you shouldn't be. Fair enough. Then she points at me to take my headphones off. So I take calm down, but if you want to have a crack, you shouldn't be, fair enough. Then she points at me to take my headphones off. So I take my headphones off and she says to us,

I do not know what is going on over here, but it smells, and it smells really bad. So maybe you guys need to learn how to have a shower or wear some deodorant the next time you go out in public. And she walks off.

Now, I have to admit, I found it pretty funny. I was just like, fuck, man, that is audacious. Are you also feeling like you've been stitched up a little bit? Because I know you fairly well. You're a pretty hygienic dude. Do you feel like this guy's stink and you've been tarred with the brush? No, I was just kind of, you know, I will say that I thought the gym, the gym smelt like it's 3 o'clock in the afternoon.

The gym smelt like it had been getting some heavy workout during the day. Yeah, I mean, you don't go into a tomato shop and go, what's the fucking tomato smell in here? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What the fuck is this? I went to the gym, and you know what? It didn't smell anything like a potpourri. They can go fuck themselves. Look at that angry guy in the tomato shop.

He's another great Carl Chandler classic character. Yeah. So anyway. That's relatable. Everyone knows that. Yeah. So I laughed. I laughed at this because I thought it was pretty funny and put my headphones back on.

And then I caught her in the mirror looking at me like giving me the stink eye. Yeah. Obviously because I've been laughing, right? And then I thought, you know what? Fuck you. Fuck you. me like giving me the stink eye yeah obviously because i've been laughing right and i thought and then i thought you know what fuck you fuck you how dare you come up and say this blah blah and i thought you know what if if she stays there long enough i'm gonna get off i'm gonna say something but i made a deal with myself that i wasn't gonna be childish and i wasn't gonna swear i was gonna be straight to the point i was gonna lay the whooshka and i was gonna really you know

let her know how i felt. So she's still there. I get off. I go up. I come around to the side of her. She turns around and I said, you know what? That is the rudest anyone has been to me in a long time. How would you feel if I came into the gym, walked up to you and said, hey, can you put on more clothes? You make me physically ill.

You are in the gym. Do not get on your high horse about any smell. What you need to do is go home, look at yourself in the mirror, and work out why your manners are so deplorable. And I walked off. And I felt good about that because that's an articulate sentence. Yep. Had a bit of whooshka in it.

Yep. Use the word deplorable. Just the right amount. Ten extra points. Yep. And it'd be quite easy to go off. If someone says you stink, you know, a pretty easy instinct would just be get fucked. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or, you know, if I had a weight, like slam it in her eye, you know, or something like that. I don't come down to the fat shit factory and something. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't turn up to your work and knock the pies out of your arse while you're doing your job.

Anyway. So, no. But anyway, so I was pretty articulate about it, and it was one of those things where it was like I can't wait to tell my friends that I managed to be mature. Yeah. Felt like a grown-up way to deal with it. Because I've seen you get pretty angry, and that's very polite.

Oh, it's always blinky this and blinky that, you know. So it's always really childish shit. So anyway, so I go to the rower, and i'm rowing i'm fucking feeling good about myself physically and emotionally uh five minutes later she's back she's come back i'm like what are you doing back right so she was shorter than me and i was i thought i'll take this opportunity what was she doing in the gym just walking around commenting on people's over yeah just doing a bit of work of the joint i don't know working security. So anyway, so I stand up and I take off my headphones and she says, well, I just had a baby, so I don't know what your excuse is.

Right? So it took her five minutes to come up with that. Yeah, yeah. And so the implication of that is you said that I make you physically ill, which I never said that. I said, how would you feel if I came in and said that? But she's now saying, well, I've got a bit of weight on because I've had a baby. You're fat, which I am not. What's your excuse? Now, that was the way I could have taken it. But what she didn't

realize was she was up against a stand-up comedian. And that's like going up and giving Mike Tyson a love tap and being surprised when he knocks your teeth out, right? And I'll be honest, I will talk this up. It was like lightning. I'm not adding any little sizzle to this to make it an interesting story. This came back. My mouth said it, and about 35 seconds later, my brain high-fived my tongue, going, well played. And so she said, I've just had a baby, so I don't know what your excuse is.

And I said, what, my excuse for you being a fat c, so I don't know what your excuse is. And I said, what? My excuse for you being a fat cunt? I don't know. I don't know you that well, right? You should have seen her face. It was just like there was – it was like something in her spine cracked. It was like – like kind of – right? And then she's turned red and she's raced off and told the guy who's in charge of the gym who then comes over.

Now, the best thing about this is the guy who's in charge of the gym, I get along really well with. I talk to him all the time. Yeah. Right? And he comes up to me and he says, Justin, did you just call that woman over there a fat cat? And I've said, look,

when you take it out of context, I know it sounds really bad. And he's just kind of going, and like trying to suppress a g a giggle and he's going you just wait here he's composed himself gone back he said something to her i can see her gesticulating and pointing and then she storms out and then he comes back and he says to me right i've had to ban you from the gym for 24 hours uh until you both calm down but i just like to say take your time and i'll see you at 9 a.m tomorrow morning well done well good hey uh that bringsoshka. That's good. Well done. It felt good.

Hey, that brings us to the end of the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thanks very much, Justin Hamilton, for being our guest. Where can people catch you coming up? I am at the Comics Lounge with Tommy Little. Yep, friend of the program. From all of this week up until Saturday. And then I'm off to LA. Yeah, right. So I will see you again sometime in next year

from February onwards. So if you want to catch Hammo before he heads off, head down to the Comics Land this weekend. I'm going to plug a gig that I'm doing.

I'm going to be in Brisbane this Sunday doing the Brisbane Powerhouse, doing LiveWire there on a Sunday afternoon. I'm going to plug Pack to the Rafters.

Sit home and watch that instead of seeing Deslo. There you go. Good. It's on on Tuesday so you fuck that up. Oh, shit. Thanks very much for joining us again. I was thinking Deslo.

I'm on the Sunday. If you've enjoyed the show, get on iTunes, give us a rating, leave a review, tell your friends. Send me a TV guide that works. That's it. Thanks very much. If there are too many C-bombs, you know, go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself.

See you, mate. See you, mate. Hey, mate. See you, mate.