The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 33 - Anyone For Tennis?

Episode Date: May 25, 2011

Dum Dum Soundboards, Kitchen Stabbings and Audience Members Soiling Themselves. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey mates, welcome to a special post-rapture edition of your old mate, the Little Dumb Dumb Club. My name is Tommy Dasolo and sitting opposite me is the dick dastardly to my muttly, Carl Chandler. Oh, g'day dickhead. How you doing? You put way too much thought into that intro. I do, yeah.

You don't even know how words work anymore. Yeah, yeah. I've used up all my esteem. I'm citizen-ing him over here. Citizen-ing him. I'm citizen-ing. You're a citizen. You're a citizen. You don't even know how words work anymore. Yeah, yeah. I've used up all my... I'm citizen-ing him over here. I'm citizen-ing him. I'm citizen-ing. You're a citizen. You're my little citizen.

Citizen dickhead. Citizen buddy. Hey, thanks everyone who's listening to the show and enjoying it so far and people who've been... Been a lot of really nice reviews of people leaving

on our iTunes page. However, I feel like I just need to address something that's coming up a little bit. I don't think people realise this. You can leave a review of the show without referring to the fact that I sound like a 14-year-old or a tiny lesbian, okay?

I don't think you can. There seems to be some confusion over this. It's not like iTunes is going to... There's no confusion. iTunes isn't going to veto it if you don't somehow mention my fucked voice in there, okay? I've called up Steve Jobs. He said it's okay and then said I sounded hot, all right?

It's all fine. It's okay. Keep going, guys. It's sounding really good. Keep it going. I checked it the other day. I laughed. It was like three in a row.

I'm like, this is awesome. Yeah. I haven't even organized this and it's just all coming up Chandler. I know. My favorites are good banter from Carl and his 14-year-old brother. Pity Dasolo's tweets aren't better, but at least she's trying. You've snuck that one

right under the radar. That's awesome. I'm just waiting for the moment when I go to your house and use your computer and I just find about 15 different iTunes accounts that you've all got hidden under there. While we're talking internet feedback, well done to whoever created the at Sunshine Johnson Twitter account that's floating around out there at the moment.

A lot of people are thinking that that's us and saying, is that you guys? But we can only dream of being that organised and professional. Yeah. Oh, look. Speaking of professionalism. Case in point. Case in point. Oh, goodness.

Having said that, what's really unprofessional is that that won't be edited out. Yeah, exactly. That's on your shoulders now. Uh-huh, yeah. Also, yeah, a lot of people getting in touch with us over email and Facebook and Twitter. Who come from Maryborough, from your hometown? Oh, really, who? I'm getting a lot of feedback from people, not necessarily that you know,

just a lot of people in Maryborough who somehow have heard the show through that. Yeah, like 40% of our listeners seem to be coming from Maryborough. There is going to be a stage where I have to disclose that I'm being paid by the Maryborough Tourist Board to do this podcast. Are we close to them erecting a giant Carl Chandler statue in the centre of town? Because you've said it's a small place, and the number of people that get at me saying I'm from Maryborough, it seems like the whole town is listening.

I wonder if I should go home, and they'll probably have it, like, you know, when you go to the mall, and they're blaring classical music or whatever to keep people from shoplifting or whatever. It's just going to be dum-dum. It's like, yeah, someone from this hole's made it. Yes! Or it's like a giant statue of you with, like, a voice box in it that's like, get away from it, dickhead.

Like, it just tries to scare off the local youth. Yeah, also, quickly mention this, any friends of the show in Canberra, Carl and myself are going to be up there doing a gig on Wednesday, June the 1st at the Civic Pub. Carl's headlining, I'm hosting, and there's some local dudes doing support. If you'd like to get more info and come down,

you can go to comedyact.com.au. It's actually, make it clear that we're actually doing stand-up, not throwing fruit at each other on stage. com.au and it's actually make it clear that we're actually doing stand-up not we're doing yeah yeah not throwing fruit at each other on stage just turning up into the city and being dickheads we're just we're just driving up for the night to hang out and muck around uh yeah but we're doing what tommy you're hosting and i'm headlining yep yep and we're driving up that day so we'll be i'd imagine there'll be a whole episode based just on the car trip yeah well let's we should get a recorder and do something on the way up.

Yeah, we should. Just the silence, just the bitter silence, because we have nothing left to say to each other. All right, let's get into it. I guess in the studio today, two very good pals of ours. They're an acclaimed musical duo, fan favourites at comedy rooms around Melbourne. Please welcome into the little dum-dum club,

Andrew Doodson and Jason English-Reese, better known as Anyone for Tenors. We made it. We made it as well. That's what we're excited about. Yeah, yeah. Finally got the call. Finally got the call after 33 long...

Carl, is it having a fit over there? Are you all right? Oh, I'm great. There's too many people in the studio. Yeah, yeah. I'm allergic to musical duos. Too much testosterone in here. It's getting in my throat. This is a super group. This is like du the studio. Yeah, I'm allergic to musical duos. Too much testosterone in here. It's getting in my throat.

This is a super group. This is like duos combined. This is great. This is great. Welcome, boys. We've been wanting to have you guys in here for a while, but just, you know. You're just saying that. He is.

He really is just saying that. Well, I guess I am saying it. I technically am saying it out of my mouth. That is not an untruth. But welcome. Welcome into the little dum-dum club. Thanks for having us. Now, this is going to be confusing.

People aren't going to know who's who. We're going to have to have a buzzer. This is Doody. That's Doody. I'd like to say something. Now, Jase, you say something. Hello. Okay, good.

No pressure. Classic Jase. He's like that all the time. Look, just before we get too far away from you said there's a lot of feedback on email or iTunes and stuff like that. Yes. Now, I've got myself a little bit of feedback. Oh, here we go. So this will be good.

Friend of the show, what's the parlance that we're going to say? Friends of the show are people that are guests on the show. Friends of the show are people who listen as well. Should we do that? Is that a rule? You definitely started saying friends of the show about people who had been on the show at the start, but now anyone's a freaking friend. It's a good thing we've got WikiDumDum over here to help us with the...

Is that a rule? Am I going to say friend of the show? Doug Gordon has sent me an email. Okay. And what he's done is... I'm hating this already, by the way. Yeah, well, you should be. What he's done is he's made a... I'm sure you're familiar with this, the concept of this, a soundboard.

Oh, no. He's made a Dum Dum Club soundboard. Awesome. So a soundboard is obviously a site with a lot of samples from what we do. Yes. He's taken some episodes and just taken little snippets. Great. So I imagine he's just finished this and then tomorrow he'll be climbing a clock tower with

an assault rifle. He's actually right behind you. No, he's not. So you've got it here in front of us. I've got it right now. Let's bring up the mic. Let's have a little sample of the Dum Dum Club soundboard. Yeah, okay.

What do we got? Well, how about this? How about I just deal with you from now on just through soundboard? Okay, let's do it. Because you know what? Here's the funny thing. Here's another funny thing. Yeah.

Is that he's made a soundboard, so there's like dozens and dozens of samples on here. Mm-hmm. And none of you. It's just all me. So you're going to interact with yourself. No, I'm just going to not speak anymore and just use the soundboard instead. Okay, right. So, okay, so what's the- So I'm just going to not speak anymore and just use the soundboard. Okay, right. So, okay, so what's...

I'll just turn... You can turn my mic off now. I'm just going to go through the soundboard now. Okay, right. Just give us a couple of samples. G'day, dickhead. G'day, dickhead. G'day, dickhead.

G'day, dickhead. So just to be clear, there's two different g'day, dickheads. This is like... Okay. Okay, right. No, no, no. Okay, right. No, no, no. Okay, right. G'day, dickhead.

Okay, right. No, no, no. G'day, dickhead. He's got no mutual friends of mine, so he's not a comic, he's not anything. He's a... Tommy Allsop is his real name. G'day, dickhead. Tommy Allsop is his real name. So'day, dickhead. Tommy Allsop is his real name.

So that's what's happening. That is great. Is that on the internet anywhere? It is. It actually is. I have not seen a bigger smile on someone's face. It's just beaming. I thought Carl was going to be loving it because it was going to be...

Oh, hang on. Yeah, you've got to keep that. Tommy Allsop is his real name. Okay. G'day, dickhead. Oh, you have got me keep that. Tommy Allsop is his real name. Okay. G'day, dickhead. Oh, you have got me in rare form, sir. I'm in a rush right now. You cannot.

That was like what you've done is come in, horse shit on someone who's awesome. You are fucking, who are you? No one. You're a bloody tentacle bloody handbag. Just a bit of greatest hits happening on the show. Are we supposed to make a prank phone call now? Is that right? Yes. Oh, where's the technology? Just a bit of greatest hits happening on the show. Are we supposed to make a prank phone call now?

Is that right? Yes. Oh, where's the technology? This is reminiscent of the drive to Adelaide when we're just playing our own voice. I'm going to make some gotcha your dickhead calls. That is incredible. So it's like the official... Carl Chandler.

That's me just saying my own name. Carl Chandler. Oh, classic. Carl Chandler. That's me just saying my own name. Carl Chandler. Oh, classic. Carl Chandler. Tommy Allsop is his real name. Playing Sam... He's got many mutual friends of mine, so he's not a comic, he's not anything, he's a... Yeah. What the fuck?

Where the fuck are you coming from? Classic Chandler. So how many samples are there on there? There's a couple of dozen. Oh my goodness. Is this a public thing? I like how that's doubled as a place to meet you. There's dozens, and many of them have got no practical application at all.

Is this something that anyone can find online? I think so, maybe. It's got too much of a long... Oh, we'll put it on the Facebook page. We'll put it on Twitter and whatever. Yeah, we'll link to it on our Twitter and our Facebook page. That is magnificent. So what the challenge is now...

See if you can get me in trouble making prank phone calls to the cops with my voice. Oh, please. Do some prank calls. Hello, Moorabbin Police Station. G'day, dickhead. Who is this? Carl Chandler. Oh, right.

Who's helping you? Tommy Allsop is his real name. Oh, right. Who's helping you? Tommy Allsop is his real name. Oh, right. I think I know Tommy Allsop, don't I? He's got no mutual friends of mine, so... Oh, okay. Oh, you have got me in rare form, sir. I'm going to unleash right now.

That was like a... What you've done is come in, pour some on someone who's awesome. G'day, dickhead. Who are you? G'day, dickhead. You're a bloody tentacle. G'day, dickhead. Who are you? G'day, dickhead. Bloody tentacle. G'day, dickhead.

Sorry, I'd better stop. Oh, God. I'll be very interested to hear how this brings up on the edit, whether this makes any sense at all. Oh, that is magnificent. So that's begging to have some drum and bass dubstep underneath it. What else can we do? Prank calls.

If anyone has the technology to make a little Carl Chandler little doll, a little talking doll with a pull string on it, that's what we really need. That's good. Let's get the Country Women's Association onto that, and then we'll get someone else to do the technology to put the voice box in there. Just in time for Christmas.

Just in time for Christmas. I'm going to bring the volume down on that for a bit. That is incredible. So, wow, big props to Doug Gordon. Doug Gordon. That is amazing. Friend of the show. Friend of the show.

Hall of Fame friend of the show. Hall of Famer, yeah. Wow. Because friend of the show has become so common. Oh, come on. No, no, no. Should you make another level of association? Well, hall of fame friend of the show.

Yeah. But, Doody, what is higher than friendship? Yeah. Good point. Yeah. What we need... Don't overthink a beautiful thing. Sorry, I'm just suggesting.

This is my marketing genius slipping in there. We need someone to do a Dasolo soundboard now, and then let's try and do... Oh, listen to him. Listen to him. No, no, listen to him. I didn't take long. I'm feeling left out.

Let's try, if we get a soundboard for you and a soundboard for me, let's try and do a whole episode where we just go back and forth with our own soundboards. I'll sit here on my laptop, you sit there on yours, and then we can get the Alan Partridge or the Al Pacino soundboard or whatever it is and we can have all sorts of guests on here. I think you should just get a really high-profile guest and see. Make them interact with us.

And do like a phone interview and only use that from our end. That's the funny thing because when this was sent to me, I'm like, oh, sweet, this is what I can do. I'll have a back and forth with me and you. And I went through slowly. I went through every single one and went, there is no allsop on here. I just loved it. The joy on your face initially, I thought it was going to be all me.

And I saw the joy in your face and I thought he's loving this because he's just going to get to hang shit on me through someone else for like five minutes. But then I realized that that joy was just you reveling in your own work, just getting to see yourself there. So you're a dumb cunt. I don't remember saying that. The look in his face, and obviously people can't see this, but the look in his face is that look, the same look you had laptops at school,

didn't you? Yes. Do you remember Talk It? Yes, yes. It's the same joy. It is, yeah. Is that when you make something else swear? Oh, whatever.

That was incredible. I remember everyone, yeah, everyone would be like just cheekily sitting there going, look at this, and then you press a button and there'd just be this robot voice going, fuck, and everyone would go, yeah! Before that, when we first got our laptops in, I think it was 1997 or something, we had this program which was like the human body, and you could click on parts of the human body, and it would say what it was, so you'd say skull and elbow. I see where this is going.

But it didn't have genitals, right? No. But it did have the coccyx. Ah. So you could press it several times and it would go cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock. So this is the work of a desperate child. Kids will find a way.

That was before we got porn. But I liked with Talk It how it had different voices. Like it had a British woman and then like an old man. So what we need to do now, we need to get Carl Chandler into talk. We need to get the Carl Chandler GPS package that people can have. Turn left, dickhead. Turn right, idiot. Because I'm from a small town in Victoria, right?

It's about 8,000. Sunshine Johnson. Sunshine Johnson. Reminds me of something that happened to me. And you just crashed. Classic. Classic. Has he put a picture of you on there? You know those soundboards have always got like a dumb picture of someone? if something happened to me. And you just crashed. Oh, classic. Classic. Has he put a picture of you on there?

You know those soundboards that have always got like a dumb picture of someone? No, no, no. The funny thing is it's just our logo. Oh, right. So it's just like it says with Tommy Dastling

Carl Chandler except it's not really with him. Not really with that at all. He's there in spirit. Yeah. Oh, funny. Hey, here's something that happened to me this week

which I thought was funny. I went, I took my girlfriend out to dinner. Classic. Yeah, took her out to dinner, even though she earns like four times what I do. You be the judge whether I'm a great bloke or not. That's up to you. I don't want to tell you how to feel. That is going straight into the next soundboard.

I can see it now. So we went out to a Thai restaurant, just picked a random Thai restaurant in Victoria Street. If you're from Melbourne, you know Victoria street is a bit of a Asian cuisine sort of a street. Cheap. Uh, yeah. Really cheap. No, but it's nice though.

Like where else are you going to go? Yeah. So, um, yeah. And when we went there, we got in there, we ordered. And as we're sitting there waiting for the food, I sort of started to look around and something started to dawn on me, something that I knew about the place, that I'd read about this place before. And I said to my girlfriend, oh, look, I know something about this place.

Do you want to know before or after you finish eating? And she panicked because the last time that that happened, she went, oh, is there a mouse here? Because we went to an Italian restaurant months ago and a mouse ran by in the middle of our food. And I didn't say anything because my pasta was quite nice and I knew that we would have to leave

if I said there was a mouse there. You've got to tell your girlfriend to nusser places, I think. I think that's what we've decided. So we're in the barn. I said it's not all rubbish. Get down deeper. This is the nicest, busy recycling bin I've ever been in. So, there's no mouse.

And she goes, look, is there a mouse? I said, no, there's no mouse. Don't worry. It's not anything like that. It's not anything bad. Just, we won't talk about it. She goes, no, well, you've raised it now. You've got to tell me.

Like, you can't just leave me with this. I said, okay, well, don't make a big deal of it. It's not a big deal. Nothing bad's going to happen but I remember reading about this place online in an old

newspaper article about this place I remember that in this restaurant probably eight years ago I think it was someone was killed and she went

oh that's it like let's go I'm like no but you know you're fine now you're not eating part of him you're not eating his foot exactly they cleaned it up it's all right and she's like well you know what they got poisoned or something yeah yeah she's like is someone get poisoned or whatever

i'm like no no no no no no i didn't even think of that no so you're not in any danger so it's not like unclean or whatever here that's it's fine well, she goes, well, what did happen? I'm like, oh, I think the chef stabbed a customer to death. And then she said to Bannock, and she's like, okay, that's it. Let's go. And I'm like, no, why would we go? Like, let's just stay. We've ordered. Let's stay.

She goes, well, what if he's still here? I'm like, look, at the very tiny chance that guy's not now, the chef is not now in jail for stabbing a customer to death, at the very least, that is a sack of blockheads. The only thing you've got to look out for now is maybe you're going to have some haunted soup. And even if he hasn't been stacked, he'd be on his best behaviour. That'd have to be warning two or three.

At the very, very least, that's warning two or three. That's a massive red flag. He'll be pussyfooting around that place He'll be dishwashing Yeah, exactly You don't want to lose your job At a place that charges nine bucks for a relaxer He's obviously on some sweet coin there

So he'll be trying his best I was at Victoria Street on Saturday for lunch And I was thinking Is their architecture of these restaurants Built the same as a house? and are all houses in Vietnam? Do you have to walk through the kitchen to go to the toilet? Yeah, that is a very common. It's only in that street of shops in Melbourne, it seems.

Well, the general rule is any restaurant where you have to walk through the kitchen to get to the toilet is the exact same restaurant where you don't want to see the kitchen at all. You know what I mean? It's never somewhere really ritzy. want to see the kitchen at all. You know what I mean? It's never somewhere really ritzy. It's always like there's just a guy just throwing piles of powder into something and just picking pasta up off the ground. It's always somewhere a bit unclean.

Yeah. You look at it and you go, I've seen a photo of this place before in a newspaper on page five with a guy with a hand over his face going, this man has been banned from preparing food for the next five years. Yeah. So we haven't really gotten into you guys yet. Very quickly, before you get into that, I was just going to say. Talk more about yourself.

Just ignoring our guests. No, no. We're talking about Victoria Street. We're talking about Asian restaurants and whatever. Because a lot of people in Melbourne have got this thing for dumpling houses. I'm not a man into the dumpling houses. Get fucked. Whoa.

So, yeah, everyone's in love with it. I'm like, have you guys all got rose-colored glasses on or something? No. These places, they should all be condemned. They're terrible places. Oh, I am. We are on the, you are talking to the wrong people here. If you're all paying $5 for a main meal, I don't trust it.

There's something wrong. Like, you know that dumpling house in the city that gets closed down every 12 months or so? Like, I went in there, and everyone knows where it is. It's off Chinatown. Near Section 8. Yeah, yeah, exactly, that one. I went in there a couple of years ago with about eight friends, and we sat down, we started eating.

Four came out. Yeah, well, one person went to the toilet, and the toilet's upstairs. Yeah, I know where it is. And as they come down, this guy's just got this weird look on his face going, oh, my God. And we're like like what are you what are you talking about and he goes i'm not going to tell you i'm not going to tell you just just go to the toilet and you'll understand just go to the bathroom got stabbed by the so so that guy

that guy did that one guy out of eight did that the second guy goes up there walks back exactly the same reaction just wide eyes going just just go to the bathroom and you'll know. So all eight of us went through. I was the last one. Seven people had gone up and no one had explained what had happened. No one would say. Once they come down, they just wouldn't say. So I'm like the last person going, what is this all about? So I went up to the toilet and they've got a urinal and a cubicle for the one toilet.

And the urinal had been boarded up. So you couldn't even use that. So I went into the toilet. The entire toilet bowl had been boarded up, so you couldn't even use that. So I went into the toilet. The entire toilet bowl had been removed. There was nothing in that cubicle except a hole in the ground with some toilet paper streaming out of it. So people had just been going up there. Those seven people had shat in a hole.

This is a restaurant. It's like being on a camping trip. This is a restaurant we're talking about. Hold up. They put all their money into their food. This is a restaurant we're talking about. Hold up. They put all their money into their food. What are they doing with it? Yeah, and I'm pretty sure that hole probably went into the kitchen. Yeah, but you know what it's like?

It's like JB Hi-Fi, how their prices are so cheap because they spend no money on the layout of their stores or their ads. This is the same principle. Right. Who needs? It's just a big hole anyway. It's going to be a hole anyway. Yeah, you're right. We're just getting rid of the middleman.

Just getting rid of the bloody free-for-all man. Getting rid of the garnish. I mean, this place, I know the place you're talking about, and that is blasphemous. You know the toilet place. I know. That's not the name of it. I go into that place to eat full stop, okay?

There is no other thing on my mind, right? I go in there. I'm like, I will have that. That's 12 dumplings, and that's 24. What's my record, Jason? You hit 48, I think. Oh, come on. 50?

No, he really doesn't. For an entree, you mean. All right. Seriously, what sort of shortcuts are they taking in the kitchen if they can't even put a toilet in the bathroom? Ones that make my meal about $12. You are a big fan of putting food away, Andrew Doodson. Is that incorrect?

No, you've seen me do it. You and I, we've had three bimbo deluxe pizzas, $4 pizzas in a row one night, I believe. That was a big night. Is that your record? Three? Yeah, that's the night I got that reputation as the pizza guy. Yeah, that's single-handedly down to me spreading that around town. I was campaigning pretty

heavily for you to go a fourth. I would have done it. That's crazy talk. Three's fine. That's the right side of crazy. Yeah, I think that day I was just really hungry. I should hope so. But he also does it every... I wasn't trying to impress you.

Watch this. He also has, you know, you've got longevity as well. You do it over a long amount of time. There was the fast food restaurant that had you on first name basis during the comedy festival. Oh, that was one of the proudest moments of my life. We were doing a show up at the Portland Hotel during the comedy festival, and just down the road from the Portland Hotel at 9.30 every night, we'd stumble onto the street, and you

could just see the glow of Hungry Jacks down the road. Now, I am a vegetarian, and I've since discovered that the vegetarian burger there is not actually vegetarian. There's a, there's stuff in there. Anyway, that's, that's. Really? Yeah. There's, there's a, there's animal product in the, um, in the, in the patty.

That can't be right. That can't be legal. Anyway. Okay. So we'd go into the, go into Hungry Jack's every night after, after the show. And there was this, uh. You've rocked the crowds. Yeah.

People are, people are just giddy from the comedy that they've received. Exactly. You've worked up a sweat and a hunger. And then we enter this... Some poor pig has died to be in your little veggie patty. I don't know what it was, but it was fun, yeah. Anyway, it was probably like the 15th night or something like that. And the girl behind the counter said, just the usual.

That is crushing. And the first time it happened said, just the usual. That is crushing. And the first time it happened, I was with a girl. Hang on. Was this a date? Had you taken her there as a date? It wasn't a date. It was just... And a stunner meal for the lovely lady as well.

And you're like, don't mind the guy being stabbed over there. This is a good place. She was a person of the medical profession as well. She just looked at me and just went... Why'd you say person of the medical profession as well? Like you're a person of the medical profession. No, no, no, as in like to add to my... Oh, to add further insult to injury, yes, yes.

To coronary. Anyway, yeah, and there was this look of disgust. So you got your kids club meal, you gave her the toy. Good game. Yeah, it was a good night, a good day. What has happened to this studio? We're all coughing constantly. Is there like some kind of dust outbreak or something in here?

Spreading I'm next. Yeah, yeah. It's working all the way around the table. Well, guys, we mentioned at the intro that you guys are a musical duo, a very beloved musical duo, and we thought we'd do something a bit different this episode. We thought we'd ask you guys to play some songs. Cool.

If that's okay with you. You guys up for that? Yeah, we will. I'm asking you. We've lined it up in advance. We've made sure you have guitars. Yeah, yeah. Okay, so you guys are going to do a song for us today, or a couple songs. We'll see how we go.

This is the first one. This is the first one. This is Anyone for Tennis with Heterosexual. One, two, three, four. Girls are hot, they turn me on, they're beautiful to me I'll just say this, I love their lady bits Especially when those bits are touching me The problem is that I clearly am a guy

Which means there is a penis on me all the time I'm just trying to make sense of it all. Cause I am heterosexual. So heterosexual. We like the ladies. When I get dressed, my private bits are out there on the loose. If there is a full length mirror, it's like two naked dudes. I catch a glimpse of my penis before bed every night. And when I wake up, it's all so up and looking me directly in the eye. I've seen girls' bits, but not as frequently at all. My eyes spend much more time looking at dick and balls.

I'm just trying to make sense of it all, cause I am heterosexual. When I have to urinate, I have to delegate my manly fingers to holding a penis. When I'm in the shower, my hands have to scour a lathered up, wangin' wet balls. When my bits get tangled, my hands go down my pants, just moving and grabbing one big sweaty package. Of course not forgetting the voluntary touching that I do when I'm lonely or just bored. I've touched girls' bits, but in comparison, not a lot. I'd say twelve times a day day my hands are touching cock. I'm just trying to make sense of it all.

Cause I am heterosexual. The genitalia I've seen is male skewed. The only way to fix this is to see more ladies nude. I'm not saying I'm right or wrong, but I hope this does explain why I am staring at you hiding in this female change room. It's not my fault. Look, miss, I need this. Can't you tell? Sorry to interrupt, but I'm hiding as well.

Hi! This will aid to set us straight. We really need your help. And yes, we see the irony that we're touching ourselves. We're just trying to make sense of it all. Can we see your boobies once more? No need to get angry at all. Do the police really need to be called?

Because we're 93% sure that we are heterosexual. Yeah! Anyone for tennis? Here we are. Yeah, back on there, yes. Heterosexual, that was great. Setting some things straight there.

Setting some things straight. It's always weird doing comedy songs to one or two people. I don't know if you guys could see this, but I had the best view of the room because I could see you guys rocking out and then I could see Carl looking over your shoulders to the weather lady on the TV just behind you but still kind of bopping his head. We saw that as well. Yeah, I got some video, so we'll put that up on the website. I over your shoulders to the weather lady on the TV just behind you but still kind of bopping his head. We saw that as well. Yeah, I've got some videos, so we'll put that up on the website.

I was bopping to the weather. Yeah, bopping to a bit of Benjamin Metanyahu who's up on the TV right now. There he is. G'day, mate. Yeah, cool. Thanks, guys. That was great.

That was a great little ditty. Yeah, well, I mean, just on that, we have a lot of issues with that. People say, oh, the place is long, you know, in the lounge room, and it's like you don't know where to look and it's really confronting for everyone. everyone. It's like looking at you. Probably if someone in the family is asking you and you play that song, it's probably a little bit more awkward as well.

Should we tell that story about when we were in London three years ago? I don't see why you would. But no, just talk about lounge rooms and people. Jase and I are rehearsing a new song, which is now a very, very old song, obviously, in Jase's lounge room in London. And there was no one else home, and Jase had three other housemates. And then one of his housemates rocks up, and she comes in, and she's topless.

What? She had no... Top on. Top on. Yeah, we have that term here too. You've got to go to London. I just love music, don't I? So Jason and I were just there trying to rehearse

and this girl's telling us about how amazing this party was that she was at. This is late at night, by the way. Hang on, you're midway through playing and she's come in topless or is this before you've started playing? This is like a three hour session for us. We're just rehearsing a new song. Right, right. So this is like your songs aren't even fully written yet and

women are already getting their tits out upon hearing them. We knew it was going to work that time. That was it. That must have been the early giveaway. Like, this is good. We're onto something here. People just can't resist taking their clothes off. And this is only like the first draft of the first verse. And then you played in Australia and everyone keeps a top on you.

Like, oh, this goes so much better in England. Well, on audience reactions, I thought we could talk about this because this is something that we were actually all present for. I think some of us got there later. But anyway, this was for the gig last week at Comedy at Spleen. This hasn't been talked about on the show yet. This hasn't been talked about on the show yet.

So to give a bit of background, this is Comedy at Spleen, Monday nights in Melbourne in the city, top of Bourke Street, run by Carl Chandler with friends of the show, Steel Saunders and Pete Sharkey. Quite often, very full, packed out. You have to get there half an hour before the gig to get a seat. Legendary Monday night comedy room in Melbourne. Yeah, packed out. You have to get there half an hour before the gig to get a seat. Legendary Monday night comedy room in Melbourne. Yeah, great gig. Pretty much, I'd say everyone who's been on the show has been on at times.

Frequent friends of the show. So if you're a fan of this podcast, go check it out because you'll see people that you know and like from the show. And? And, well, last week I was hosting. I was hosting the gig and I come out at the start of the show and I'm doing some little jokes, chucking them out,

and I can see a guy in the third row of the audience fast asleep. The third row of the audience is not 15 feet back. It's a tiny room. It's two feet back. It's very close. So that hasn't thrown you because you've had that happen before obviously. Gee, how did I know that would come out?

Wicked he works. You can set your watch to it. So I see this guy and I think I don't really need to mention this because no one can see him. It's not a big deal. He's just sleeping, whatever, right? I get middle of the way through a routine and he starts talking in his sleep. He kind of makes a bit of a noise and then everyone notices. Everyone sees that there's a guy there.

How embarrassing, sleep talking. Yeah, exactly. And then sleep heckling, right? At quarter to nine at night as well. That's the other thing we should mention. He's asleep from before the gig has started. So quarter to eight, he's that drunk that he's passed out on a Monday night. So it gets to a point where...

In a seat facing the stage. Yes, exactly. Weird. So now I have to mention it, right? And everyone's noticed it. Everyone's laughing at him. I'm making some jokes about it. I go and sit on his lap and get a photo taken with him during the show.

The first act on gets right up in his face and yells at him. He's screaming at him. He's still not waking up. And everyone's just sort of thinking, like all the comedians backstage, we're all just sort of thinking, well, I guess he's just asleep. We can just leave him there. He's not heckling. We can just sort of make fun of him and nothing's going to happen back.

We'll just sort of leave him there. So then the third act on, this guy stretches out in his seat a little bit in his sleep and kind of knocks over a glass or something and that makes a bit of a noise. And I'm backstage with Steel Saunders, brackets, friend of the show, close brackets, and he is thinking, let's go to a break just so we can get him out of there before anything bad happens. And we thought, we'll put one more act on and then we'll go to the break, right?

So comedian Daniel Connell. Big mistake. Big mistake, yeah. Daniel Connell's on stage. I'm standing backstage. I can hear Daniel setting up a routine so the audience are quiet. They're listening. There's dead silence in the room waiting for the payoff of the joke.

And then all of a sudden I hear this noise. I hear... ..followed by a crowd erupting into the most vicious, unrestrained laughter I've ever heard. I've never heard anything like this before. Daniel pokes his head around backstage and goes, guys, I think he's fair just shat himself. Carl, you got there later.

Popular opinion seems to have been that the smell in the room immediately in the vicinity of this guy indicated that he had shat his pants. Right. And I just thought, how do you recover from a heckle like that? Someone soiling themselves at you is pretty big. Like, there's no real, there's no comeback to that. I just love it how this guy has gone in, and Spleen's a fairly quiet bar most of the time. This guy's probably gone into that bar at maybe, I don't know,

what, six o'clock and he's had a big day on the piss. He's presumably had eight bottles of bourbon. And he's just gone into a quiet bar and gone out the back and just fallen asleep and gone, oh, no one's going to bother me here. And he's woken up. That would have been funny if he'd woken up and just, you know, if we'd had someone like Charlie Pickering pop in, he's just gone to sleep by himself, woken up,

and Charlie Pickering's screaming at his face. And at the same time, he's like, my pants are now full of shit. What sort of a night have I in? What has gone on here? Yeah, just that guy waking up the next day and having the memory. Because he had some mates there with him. He had some mates there that stayed long to apologize to us over and over again. But he had the kind of mates – I mean, there's two distinct type of people.

If I was with a mate like that, I would be mortified. You know what I mean? I would be so – I would want to get my mate out there as quickly as possible. These guys were loving it. They were just, like, rapturous about, we are going to get to hang so much shit on this guy tomorrow. What's funny is one of his mates was there. He was actually there to ask for a gig.

And he's like, I hope this doesn't cloud your judgment. No, you should be good. You're bringing along drunk guys who shit in the middle of gigs. I hope this feces hasn't muddied the waters of my gig possibilities. We've got friends who do gigs and they're sort of just starting out. They'll bring like 50 of their friends to their first couple of gigs. This guy's going to just bring eight. Soilers.

We're probably thinking, well, there'll be good people to bring along to the gig. They probably can't control their laughter because they can't control anything else. Did anyone see the walkout of this guy? Was there a walk of shame happening? It was all a mystery because we came later and everyone was like, did you see this guy? Exactly. That was where it happened.

I brought my mum because it was my birthday, actually. My mum had... Oh, really? There was a big brown chalk line around where he was. That was actually it. No one sat. The rest of the place is jam-packed. People are at the back of the room struggling to see over,

but those three seats just remained empty. It's like, oh, there's good seats up the front here. Everyone's like, no. My mum went to sit in it and someone was just like, no, no. Don't sit in the seat. It's tainted. It's got the taint. My mum's like, why?

There are brown ghosts. That is awful. That is awful. Hey, I don't want to talk about this. I went away for the weekend. I went on a bit of a getaway with my girlfriend to her grandparents' beach house down at Sandy Point, if anyone knows where that is. Don't try and break in. Sandy Point.

Sorry? Oh, I thought you said don't try and break into the conversation. No, no, no. Yeah, please. Stay out of this show that I've invited you on to. I will tell you when you can talk, guys, okay? I'm talking now. Stop talking.

Yeah, bring your soundboard in and then we'll talk. Keep going about Sandy Point because you're setting me up for a great gag. Okay, near Wilson's prom. But anyway, so before we left, my girlfriend had said, now, just so you know, the beach house is proper old school. There's no electricity. There's no heating. There's no phone reception.

So it's all like gas lamps gas lamps and, you know, and all that kind of stuff, right? And I will admit to being a pretty terrible Gen Y stereotype because I'm thinking not only am I going to be bored because there's no TV, but I'm not even going to be able to Twitter about how bored I am. Like, I'm really, I'm trying to think if Apple sell a thing that, like, I can hook my iPhone into, like, a gas charger

or something and somewhere, like, get that going on or whatever. So, you know, and I think this is the first kind of weekend getaway that my girlfriend and I have done, right? And I think the first weekend that you have away with a girlfriend, it's kind of, it's a big test of a relationship, you know, because it's just you two alone and there's, you know, you can come out of it in a stronger relationship or you can end up breaking up five minutes in and have a horrendous time, right?

That's why Chandler takes his girlfriend to dives and dates. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As long as the chef doesn't stab her, it's a good night out. Yeah, at least I haven't spent too much money that way. Everything's coming up, Chandler. I mean, just to deviate, I have a friend who had been with this guy for like a few years, right? And he invited her on a holiday with his family onto a houseboat.

They board the houseboat. They're three hours into the weekend and he breaks up with her. So now she's trapped on this houseboat with the family of her ex. What? Yeah, yeah. That's bad for everyone. Why is he wanting to do that? It's not like he's just –

Sounds like an Ashton Kutcher film. I'd swim. I'd swim to the – I'd just take my chances. I'd risk it on the open seas. That would be hilarious. What if – yeah, they're on the houseboat. She just emerges on the shore of the riverbank or whatever. This woman, fully dressed, soaking wet, walks up and someone just goes,

what happened? Oh, my boyfriend dumped me. Yeah. That'd be great. So anyway, we're on the way up to Sandy Point. And then, so first I worry that I'm going to be bought. And then I'm freaking out because I start thinking, you know, there's going to be like, I'm going to have to turn on gas pumps

and I'm going to have to get a generator going and I'm going to have to do all this manly stuff that you guys know me pretty well. I'm not in any way equipped to do, right? So I'm freaking out because my girlfriend had said, oh, yeah, my grandpa said, you know, this stuff's pretty easy to use. And his direct quote was, oh, your boyfriend will know how to do it. Now that should tell you instantly that he's never met me, right? So I'm really panicked.

So we get up there, and first of all, we can't get the gas to work. So it's 9 p.m., so we're sitting around in darkness, and I'm just sorticked. So we get up there, and first of all, we can't get the gas to work. So it's 9 p.m., so we're sitting around in darkness, and I'm just sort of freaking out a bit. But then we get it all fixed up, and it's all fine. And then my girlfriend's getting dinner ready. I'm trying to light a fire, and I have never failed at anything as much as I've failed at attempting to light this fire. It was just like there's never been an event in my life before

where I've been so happy for the absence of Carl Chandler. It's just this failure at being a man. Just really dismal. And then, so I try for about half an hour. I can't get it going. I'm fighting. And then my girlfriend comes over and goes, oh, let me have a crack, and gets it going in, like, three minutes. Like, just gets this roaring inferno in front of us.

Just obliterating gender stereotypes. Obliterating, burning. That's how she got it going. That's how she threw a few gender stereotypes on and they went up in an instant. You did loosen the jar, though, didn't you? Yeah, yeah, that's what I kept saying. So then on top of the injustice of all that,

we're going to bed and then I start thinking that, you know, we're in a cabin, we're in the middle of nowhere, I've seen enough movies, this is how people die, right? I get up while she's asleep, I'm checking all the doors and windows are locked, I'm really, like, I'm panicking. Like, I'm just picturing, like, she was like, when I said this to her the next day, she was like... She'd be pretty confident in you defending her

after your efforts with the fire. I like to think in my head, I'd go, please take me, just spare her, but take me. I'd worry, I'd throw her in straight away, and then I'd be worried. What if we survived? You'd throw her into the fire to distract the murderer. Yeah, yeah. Then open a jar on his arse.

But then I was panicking. All I could keep thinking was, thank Christ I haven't seen Snowtown already, because I was nearly going to see it the night before. And if I'd had that, because I saw it last night, and if I knew then what I knew now, I probably would have gotten in the car in the middle of the night, just left my girlfriend there and gone, see you in hell. But yeah, that was my weekend away. It was a lovely weekend apart from the-

Homicidal thoughts. The homicidal thoughts and the sheer inadequacies that I felt. It sounds like a horrible weekend, but anyway, yeah, because that's the way you've told it. We played Scrabble and it was a nice time. You got through and you're stronger for it. I am. I am stronger for it. But I did see Snowtown last night.

Have any of you guys seen it? No. Is it good? It's pretty terrifying. Yeah, it's terrifying. Although, I don't know if this is something that the cinema that I went to did as like a special treat or whatever. Nearly everyone watching the film in the cinema as me

looked like a serial killer. All old men on their own with moustaches. a special treat or whatever, nearly everyone watching the film in the cinema as me looked like a serial killer. All old men on their own with moustaches. I don't know if the Nova had just like trucked them in as like a kind of a special novelty thing or whatever. But yeah, like I, you know, it's based on the Snowtown murders in Adelaide. And when I got home, I got onto Wikipedia because I wanted to learn a bit more about it.

And I found this that did make me laugh a lot. On the Wikipedia page for John Bunting, the main dude who was the head of it all, down at the bottom of his page, they've got all the stuff about how he murdered the people and when he was convicted and everything. And then there's this little nugget. Bunting insisted on playing the 1994 live album Throwing Copper during many of his later murders. Oh, my God.

What? Isn't that a tidbit as a band that you want out there? Isn't that a handy piece of trivia? What's his name? Ed Kowalski or whatever his name. Wouldn't that be good when he's playing it constantly and goes, this one, a few people have been stabbed at this one. Do you know what the weird thing is?

As I remember that album, and you know when you have things that you associate stuff with, when you think of something, you think of something else. The thing that I think about when I think about that album, especially Dammit on a Creek, the first track on that album, is chopping wood. I used to chop wood for my mum. So it's quite a violent thought. So you grew up in country Victoria? I grew up in, yeah.

In a different state. You could have been, there could be a movie out about you right now. There could be. There could be. Tennis town. Instead, you're just going to have to settle for possibly a soundboard. Yeah. Oh, my God.

Yeah. It is genuinely a terrifying film, but yeah, just the, yeah, serial killer audience. Back to Sandy Point for a second there. Sandy Point is actually, or Halfway Point as we call it, we went for a little boys weekend. Oh, yep. Down to Walkerville, which is not far from there. This is about two years ago.

We love to tell stories about two years ago. I was probably busy. We went down there with Sammy J, friend of the show. Is he a friend of the show? Is he a friend of the show? He's a friend of the show. Sure. Who are we to make enemies? I don't know.

I don't know what the rules are, guys. Anyway, we went and we decided to go for a walk because we found that, you know the mini golf at Sandy Point General Store? Oh, yeah. We went to play it and it was closed. Well, it's probably lucky because- It was probably open. You just couldn't open it.

The club was too big for me. The doors were too heavy. No, look, love, it's closed. Why is that guy waving us in? No, that's a dummy. It's just a display. We went for a walk from Walkerville, and we walked from Walkerville to Sandy Point for a game of putt-putt.

And we looked on Google Maps. We saw it and I just glanced over the amount of kilometres that it was going to be and it said something like, it was like 16 or something like that. Return trip, I thought, 16. Ended up being like a 34-kilometre round-trip walk. And we went at about, it was about 2pm and we saw, along the beach, we walked along the beach and we'd see like a dead stingray. Oh, a clang.

And we'd be like, oh yeah. That's a clang. There you go. Okay, dead stingray then. That's how we do it around here. A rotting seal and then like just a skull. Yeah, alright, enough with your name dropping. We're just disgusted.

You know dead animals, we get it. And we were just disgusted by these animals. We had our little putt-putt game. We walked home, it started to get dark, and we started to get worried because we had to... The start of this walk was a massive walk down this giant cliff kind of thing. We knew we had that.

And we'd start seeing these landmarks, these little dead animals, and, like, loving them. To be like, oh, thank God we're at the seal. I think it's only dead. Is it the seal? So like the Hansel and Gretel trail of death that you've just left behind you, offing animals on the way there.

People just see the joy on our face when we see the carcass. Couldn't have been good. And did you struggle to light any fires fires or was it all business as usual? I think they had power. They had power, yeah. Show off. What about another song, boys? Have you got another song in you?

Yeah, what do you want, Carl? What's my favourite song of yours? Don't give away the punchline. No, I won't. You should know it. I never know the names of any of your songs, but it's the one I always ask you to do. My Future Wife?

Yes. That's what I want. This song is about the most amazing woman in the whole world. You sort of gave it away. All right. Anyone for tennis doing a song? That shall remain unnamed. That shall remain unnamed. She is the woman I will cherish all my life

And she, she's the definition of perfection If I had to rate her out of ten, I'd be disrespecting women She is the woman I will one day call my wife There's just one problem, we've never met Our paths are meant to cross and unite us but they haven't yet So I am out there meeting girls, and she'd be meeting guys as well. So in the meantime, she'd be going out with someone else. So there's someone out there who's fucking my future wife, penetrating my one, and pounding the love of my life, invading her sacred bits, any orifice that

fits, then blowing his load in the mother of my future kids. Not cool, Carl. And he are of the sit fits Then blowing his load In the mother of my future kids Not cool, Carl And he, he's stealing all her precious youth Everything's perky, her ass is perfect Her skin is soft and smooth I want her when she's most beautiful And I'm stretched He, and he's pushing her boundaries as far as he can

Suggesting threesomes, crazy positions Or trying to use a webcam I hope there are still places where no man's been before And he could have a strong and chiseled physique He could be well endowed, make her scream loud with his technique He's probably setting benchmarks that I will never reach But he's not doing this in spite So I have nothing against this guy

Except the fact that he's holding me back From true happiness and emotional fulfillment It's just that I can't sleep at night Knowing the girl that I adore Is not right there by my side Instead she's somewhere on all fours Cause there's someone out there Who's shagging my future wife Taking all I've ever longed for

And shoving his penis inside Grabbing all my hopes and dreams And pounding them into his sheets and covering my everything in his saliva, semen and sweat. Are you the one who's slamming hills? Are you the one who's slamming hills? Lovely and perfect future wife. Yes! All right.

Welcome back to Dumb Dumb Club Unplugged. Anyone for tennis. Future Wife, the name of that song, which is probably going to have to change because the title gives away the punchline. It does sort of, it takes the sting out of the punchline. It doesn't actually give away the actual punchline. Sorry, we should have told you this earlier. We're actually not allowed to talk about intercourse on this show,

so we're going to have to get you to maybe change the lyrics a bit. Can you make it a bit less about sex? Kissing? Kissing. We've been asked to do... Fingering should be fine. We love doing live gigs, and obviously, Carl, you know we love doing live gigs.

It's one of our favourite things. In fact, that's what we like. That's what we do. Yep. However, most comedy festivals, the comedy festival ask us to do the comedy for kids. Mm-hmm. And we have sweet fuck all. That's evidenced by the sort of language you're using there.

I was going to say sweet F-A, but fuck it. We're all adults. We can handle it. Oh, yeah. So we've got nothing for that sort of stuff. And then, so, but then we get put in the comedy festival guide under the kids things. So then the network see it and go, oh, these guys do kids comedy. And we got asked to do like kids gigs on TV on like, um, something, you know, Saturday

Disney, like the aggro, that sort of thing. Now we'd like to do that. And so we, we asked to do another song of ours, which was our clean song, which we can do at most things. And they, what are they? They picked the freaking bones out of that one. Seriously, they- Out of your clean one?

Like, what sort of things did they take umbrage with? We referred to God. Can't do that on a kid's show. We referred- Oh, we had to do it at home. We used the word pants, and they go, oh, it's a pocket. Yeah. So I was wearing a pair of pockets.

And then. Sponge Bob square pocket. You know, I just say, I just microwaved some hot pants. Oh no, it doesn't work the other way around, does it? And then the final bit was the producer said to us, and that last, that last, that last gag in it, is that a homosexual innuendo? And we're like, yeah, I suppose it is. Yep.

And he's like, yeah, probably should change that. So we had a good 15 minutes before the show to just go over our song, which we had already passed with other people who obviously had much less authority. Yeah. And, yeah, we had to sort of redo our thing. Well, probably don't close any of your songs with the term, Hey, Gaybo.

That's probably your problem. What's wrong with that? Guys, before we get out of here, you guys are doing a live CD recording coming up soon. We are. Give us some details about that. We're doing it on the 15th and 16th of June. When's this going to air?

July? Tomorrow. Tomorrow, okay, cool. We're doing two in case we get one wrong. Yeah, we're going to. It's probably going to air? July? Tomorrow. Tomorrow. Okay, cool. We're doing two in case we get one wrong. Yeah. Okay. We're going to. Yeah.

We're going to. It's probably going to be the first one. 15th and 16th of June at Felix Bar, which is number 11 Fitzroy Street. St Kilda. St Kilda, which is also the home of another brilliant comedy. Felix Bar comedy on Wednesday nights. Well, it is on a Wednesday night. We're doing it before the comedy one night.

Oh. If anyone wants tickets. Double up. Go to anyonefortennis.com.au and you can... And they're free. They are free. You forgot the F word. No, I didn't.

That's what you got in trouble with Disney for. Don't say free in your sentence. Just so there's no confusion, you want people there shitting themselves or you'd prefer them to not or what's the go? If that guy is listening... You can do it without sound. Yeah. It's fine.

It won't affect the scene. It's silent but freaking deadly. That would be awesome if you turned up and did that on the first recording and the second one. During the same bit of the song. It's like some brown note that you're inadvertently playing. The brown sound. Yeah.

Well, guys, that brings us to the end of the program. So check out Anyone for Tennis. What are the dates? It's the 15th and 16th of June at Felix Bar. Anyonefortennis.com for details on the live CD recording. Carl and I are going to be in Canberra on June the 1st, next Wednesday. If you want to send us anything like soundboards or whatever, we've got an email address now, littledumdumclub at gmail.com.

What's a soundboard? If you want to send in anything that incriminates Das, I'll send it to him. Please, yeah. So then I can spring it on him like this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So send that stuff through. We're also on Facebook and Twitter. Carl Chandler, what's Robo Carl got to say for us to send us out?

Oh, okay. What's he got to say? Oh, shit. I forgot. Where's your phone? Oh, yeah. It's all right. That's it for another week.

Anyway, for Dennis, thanks so much for joining us. Doody, Jase, thanks for coming in. We'll see you all next week. Thanks for listening. See you, Matt. See you, Matt.