The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 34 - Nick Maxwell

Episode Date: May 31, 2011

Joke Theft, The Rapture and Balsa Wood Planes. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey mates, welcome once again to another edition of the Little Dumb Dumb Club. My name is Tommy Dasolo, sitting opposite me is Carl Chandler. G'day dickhead. And sitting... G'day dickhead. G'day dickhead. Sorry, I've messed up the order of introductions. Sitting opposite me is Robo-Carl.

Sitting next to Robo-Carl is the real-life Carl Chandler. Tommy Allsop is his real name. That was good. Can you control your Robo-Counterpart? He's got no manners. I've got the soundboard from last week. I'm still playing with it. I'm sorry.

I think that's hilarious. That's great. Yeah, I think we... I'd prefer it if we, instead of referring it to the soundboard, if we try and convince people that there's an actual robot version of you sitting in the studio next to us. Oh, shit. I forgot. Where the fuck is?

It's called the theatre of radio, Carl. You have to tell them that's a robotic. Hopefully you've got a news story that you can attach it to. Hey, robots are in the news. I happen to come across one. People with voices are in the news. People have had their voices recorded for different things this week. There you go.

All right, take it easy, unintroduced guest. Oh, sorry. So, yeah, the soundboard, we featured it in last week's episode. We've put it up on the Facebook page now if you want to get on, and we would love it, or I would love it, if you could make some prank calls with it. No. Make some crazy drum and bass tunes with it.

Yeah, prank calls maybe with this bit. Tommy Allsop is his real name. I guess today is a good pal of ours. We found him kicking around in the building. You may know him as the voice of Kevin Rudd on Rove. You may also know him as half of the sweetest plum on Triple M. It's Nick Maxwell. Yay!

You may also know him as half of the sweetest plum on Triple M. It's Nick Maxwell. I must say I am genuinely thrilled to be here. It is a genuine thrill to have you and possibly the easiest guest we've ever had to tee up. I know. Because every time we come in to record the show, you're just in here anyway. I'm just in here going, good on you. You're such good guys. You're new just for us.

Good. going, good on you. You're such good guys. Oh, you're new just for us. Good. And I wanted to say it's a great pleasure to be here with Cartholomew Chandler and Thomas DeSalo. Yeah. They were two ways I wanted to pronounce your names now.

People don't know this, but you are our motivational coach. You're not actually on the air. You just sit in the corner after the episode. Good one, boys. Good one. Well, I've become more positive in my life. Other people I know would argue that's not the episode. Good one, boys. Good one. Well, I've become more positive in my life. Other people I know would argue that's not the case. But there's something about you guys.

Whenever I see you guys, I'm just like, yeah! Shit, yeah! Hi, guys! Fucking do it! Whatever you're doing. I feel a lot better when you're here. I quite often look out the studio window and I can see you recording sketches for your show and you're giving it such physical oomph,

I just can't help but smile. It's the best part. You're doing that behind-the-scenes thing when you see people doing animation or whatever in Hollywood and there's just celebrities giving it nothing. You're giving it like proper Warner Brothers. Yeah! It's like when you see those behind-the-scenes Simpsons things.

It's like, why is Homer's voice coming out of that old man? That makes no sense. What have they done? How do you pronounce his name? Dan Castellanita. He's funny because he still pops up in a lot of things, even though he's A, would not need to for money, and B, is not in any way a good-looking man.

Have you seen him? He's in stuff all the time. He does look very happy. Yeah. Well, Hank Azari is the great one, the great crossover, who has played the hot guy in movies. Been married to Helen Hunt or whatever. Has he?

Yeah, yeah. I thought she was a gay lord. No, no, no. Well, she wasn't with him. I don't know. She's not a lord. She's just a gay commoner. The Simpsons cast, though, it is hard to have.

Anytime a show gets big and then there's like, you know, with the Simpsons cast, how they held out for, they were getting whatever it was, 18 million an episode and they wanted like 18.5 million. It's kind of really hard to sort of get on board with anyone after there's such a public feud like that where you just go. I know, but they're set for life. I mean, and it's good. I mean, seriously, you live in a world where there are so many fucking assholes and if

you can look at it and go, if you can go Yardley Smith. You are more positive. You're right. Yardley Smith has fucking made enough money to never have to work. That's good. Fucking the girl from Herman's Head. Yeah. If she's just sitting there in a Charlie Sheen mansion,

you go, that's about right. I mean, what happened to the fat guy from Herman's Head? I mean, he's on none of that coin. Exactly. He's on his residuals from that cameo in Groundhog Day. That's what he's living off. Herman's Head is a show that I know only from references. Oh, really? I've never seen it or know really anything about it. Oh, that would be, for me Herman's Head is a show that I know only from references. Oh, really?

I've never seen it or know really anything about it. Oh, that would be for me. That would be a show. I'll tell you the triple prong it was when I was a kid. Probably the same for you. There was, I'm trying to remember the order. I think maybe it was Larry Sanders' show first. I feel like there was something before it.

There was Larry Sanders' show. It's on commercial TV. There was Herman's Head. There was Dream On. Yes, yes, yes. And they were all like a triple header of like dark comedies. Like very late at night over the school holidays. When I would be allowed to stay up late, I would watch those shows.

Yeah. And that was the, they were the best, which, and you go, you know, that's what you liked. And I mean, Herman's Head, exactly, it's probably a piece of shit, but you go, like, I liked it and I thought it was weird and different, you know, and so you go, you look at Charlie Sheen, who's getting, what was he getting, like, $100 million for two years, and you go, it seems like a shit show with bad people, but so Yardley Smith, on a great show like The Simpsons, yeah, let him have their 18.5. It is funny, though, how some of those Simpsons casts, like, they're all on the same amount,

and some of them do, like, 100 voices, and then, yeah, you're of those Simpsons cast, like they're all on the same amount, and some of them do like 100 voices, and then, yeah, Yardley Smith, she's coming in and doing four bits of Lisa dialogue per episode and clocking off. That woman that does Mrs. Krabappel, that's the only thing she does? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, really?

The woman who does Marge does Marge and then the two sisters. The sisters, yeah. And that's it, and then you've got Castellanator and you've got... Who does... That's the same woman that does your voice, isn't it? Very good. Very good. He's outdone himself this time. Very early in the got... That's the same woman that does your voice, isn't it? Very good.

Very good. He's outdone himself this time. Very early in the show. That's nice. Straight to the soundboard. Come on, you two guys. I like this all the time. See, it's funny, Nick.

For people who don't know you and your work, you're on Triple M now. Doing Drive in Sydney and sometimes in Melbourne. Yep. And with Declan Fay. Yes. Sweetest plum. Friend of the show. And with Declan Fay. Yes. Sweetest plum. Friend of the show. Yep.

And you guys started out doing a podcast. And it's funny for me watching you, you've made that progression. You've started with the podcast and then you've made the leap into commercial radio. And the way that you sort of react to us, like we're the young bucks around the station. Like you've only been doing radio a few months and you're already like so bitter and turned out by it. Well, that's what I'm saying. It was hard for me to say that I'm more positive.

I'm more positive when I see you guys. But, like, doing a podcast is a really great, I mean, it is that terrific thing of just, we, you know, we've had a bit of, a few issues with some TV shows. And it was kind of, like, it's a thing of I'm not any good at business or life. You know, I'm not even brilliant at comedy. I'm just, like, it's not what I like doing and I do care about it. When stuff gets really weird with business people and executives and people who run... Because you grow up watching TV shows, listening to radio shows, thinking that's what you want

to do because they're just there and they're great. Then you realize how hard it is to get them there and how you've got to have a stomach for certain things. You don't have to with a podcast. We literally came off some bad TV shows, weren't working and went, all right, well, weekly we'll get together. And look, it began with me going, I don't know that I can stomach talking to Declan once a week. But he also said, I don't care what you talk about, you know, and I would come in and talk about whatever.

And that was really fun, you know, because you did feel like you were doing it in a context. It's not just like being a dickhead. It's like there's a little bit of a context, but then again, it's not like commercial and it's not. So, yeah, I don't know how we got into commercial radio and I don't know how long we'll last. Well, we've been following you. I mean, subconsciously, we're following after you. I mean, you guys, how we met you was on The White Room. Me and Tommy worked on The White Room.

You and Dec were working on The White Room and then you guys left that. Well, I mean, we all left. We all left that. Sorry. Sorry. When there's nothing there anymore. Yeah, yeah. You should have left us.

Yeah, yeah. Sorry. Carl tried hanging around the offices. Carl tried to shop around the other networks. I hung around there for a while. It was still getting the same ratings while it was off the air. So, ooh. Well done to you.

Oh, you're disappointed. I said it's a good effort. And then you started your podcast, and we've basically copied that, or we've made a podcast. And now you guys are on Triple M, and obviously that's the next step to white ant you from underneath and get your spot. Wouldn't mind at all. Wouldn't mind at all.

Any tips on how you can speed up the process? Because this is just becoming tedious beyond compare. I can talk to you off air about just how easy that might be, Tommy. Yeah, the funny part is, yeah, the sad part I suppose you've got to make, that's the one thing about a podcast. We've both interviewed and listened to Mark Maron and he started getting to that point of going, please send me money or I can't do this. So that's the hard part if you need a bit of money and unfortunately, and commercial

radio can give you some money to do a similar kind of thing. But yeah, it's not exactly the same. But can I say, before we get too much into chatting, it is a beautiful day outside. It is. And I have come to believe that people... I'm not even watching the TV this week. I'm watching the weather outside. Thank God that didn't go on.

I watched the weather channel last week. It's the weather this week. Cut out the middleman. It's one of those things that everyone has in common, and it's more important than we think. That's beautiful. I know it's like a dull man would talk about the weather, but give that dull man the credit that he's not going, look.

At least he's not talking about planking. Yeah, absolutely. Now, what is planking? You need a definition. It's stunning. It's beautiful. It's crisp. It's blue skies, and I got into the elevator, and this is my new thing. I can beautiful. It's crisp. It's blue skies.

And I got into the elevator, and this is my new thing. I can talk to anyone if I can talk about the weather. I got in the elevator here, security guard, and he's gone, hey. And I was like, wow, this is a good guy because he's like saying hey to me and he doesn't have to. So I'm like, hey. That's sort of a good guy. Yeah, that's a fucking good guy. And I'm like, hey, man, like what a beautiful day outside.

And he's like, yes, yes, fresh. And I was like, yeah, yeah, but it's still cold. But blue skies, lovely clouds, sun's out, crisp, crisp. And then he just goes, mm-mm. And then he said, hey, let me ask you, that May 21, the world was meant to end. What happened with that? I said, no, no, it didn't happen. He thinks you're God Almighty.

No, that happened. That's what happened. Heaven is the elevator at Triple M. Well, that's right. Whether it happened or not, I was sort of going, mate, it's May 21. That's like nine days ago. Make of it what you will. I can't.

And I just left the lift going, I think it's been rescheduled to October 21. That's what they're saying. So it may end then. And he just looked at me really worried. And I went, I think it's been rescheduled to October 21. That's what they're saying. So it may end then. And he just looked at me really worried, and I went, I think we're okay. I think we're good. To be fair, though, to give this a bit of context, I don't know if you were wearing in the lift what you're wearing now, but you are wearing a big white robe. You've got sandals on a little halo that you've stuck above your head.

A 316 tattooed on my forehead. To be fair, I can understand how you would have gotten confused. What about this? Go a little bit topical for the moment. We talked about planking. That's not really topical anymore. But I think the new planking this week is something that you've probably covered on your show, obviously. I think the big talking point of the week at the end of last week, Jordan Paris.

Now, what? We didn't cover it because something actually fucked up. I was going to play his audio and something fucked up. And so we actually missed that. But go on. I'm very keen to talk about Jordan Paris. Yeah, yeah. Let's do.

No, no. I just think it's very funny. I think it's cool that it's brought up the notion of how stealing jokes is not right. And apparently a lot of people didn't. Do we need to give a bit of context? Yeah, yeah. Sure, sure. We were making fun of this phenomenon before.

Jordan Paris. Everyone knows who Jordan Paris is. It was the lead story on Today Tonight. Everyone watches that. Everyone's aware of what's going on. Today Tonight and A Current Affair, because I was flicking back and forth between the two of them, and they were both doing that classic thing

where they're playing the same story at the same time, but they've both got exclusive up in the top left corner of the screen. If only you could go to 10 and you could have George Negus talking about him as well. That would have been good. George Negus covering Jordan Paris. Just in his desert boots with his little leather necklace. And then you've got JBC and he's on Can We Help You

with Peter Rosethorn. Can we just very quickly, on the George Negus show, remember when that show started and it was pitched as being a hard-hitting approach to journalism where they were actually going to get deep into the stories. That was when it was called 6.30. Yeah, yeah. I saw an ad for it the other day.

It's now called 6.00 p.m. No, it's gone the other way. Oh, it's gone the other way. It was called 6.00 p.m. and now it's called 6.30. And now it's 6.30. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So anyway, the pitch of it, I saw ads where it was like, we're going to get deep into the stories and give you a really kind of in-depth piece of journalism.

And then I saw an ad for it the other day where he's talking about the stories that they're going to be covering this week. And then he goes by going, and also, we'll be having a crack at making my famous risotto. That is in-depth. You're not going to get that anywhere else. This is George's famous risotto. You don't get Matt White whooping up a bit of Pappardelle on the air, do you? No, sorry, Bob.

You know what they need? They need those two old blokes from the ABC to pretend to be Paul Keating or whatever it is that they do. John Clark and those guys. What, they're whooping up the famous risotto? No, they need to just come and pretend to be people. You know, that's funny, isn't it? If you do a bit of stealthy Googling, you can find his risotto recipe online.

Let me tell you, it does look pretty good. He makes his own pesto. None of this jar shit for George Negus. But this is Negus. Yeah, Negus. He's got the recipe for how you make it. I'll tell you, I worry about Channel 10 because I saw the girls in the circle making something the other day and they massively undercooked the lamb and it was just embarrassing.

And you go, this is happening everywhere. Someone at Channel 10 is going, get everyone cooking. I don't care who it is. Get Kapalos cooking during the news. Now, Jordan Paris. Jordan Paris. Back to Jordan Paris. Now, where do you want to start?

Do you want to start with his story? You set up what the story is. Okay. All right. You've got to set these things up. This Paris. Back to Jordan Paris. Now, where do you want to start? Do you want to start with his story? You set up what the story is. Okay. All right. You've got to set these things up. There's triple experience here. Right. So he's appeared on Australia's Got Talent, and he's done a few-

Is that it? Not X Factor. It's Australia's Got Talent. Yeah, yeah. That's it. That's it. With Brian McFadden as a judge. It's not the one that's not on the air right now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're going to stick with real facts. I think that was very well said. Yeah. That was very well said. You're absolutely right. Are you being an atypical listener here? We're having to- You real facts. I think that was very well said. That was very well said. You're absolutely right. Are you being an atypical listener here? You're playing the role of that.

We're having to confirm everything for you. This is on the TV, not the wireless. You could see what was happening. It wasn't happening live in front of us, but you could see it. I'm a little bit dumb. You're right. Apart from that, because I'm a little bit of a lot of things. Jordan Paris. My point is I of a lot of things. Right. So, Jordan Paris.

And my point is, I knew Jordan Paris before this. Oh, awesome. All right. Let's get into this. So the story is, he's on Australia's Got Talent. He's on AGT. And he's performing stand-up. 22 years old from the Gold Coast. Yep.

And he does some jokes that aren't his. No one in the crowd. With a set of giant teeth. Yes. No one in the crowd. With a set of giant teeth. Yes. No one in the crowd. It made me. He couldn't get his lips around his teeth. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And so when I did the impression of him to Jess in the car, I was going like, he's going, you know. Now, who's Jess? Jess is my wife. Right. And I was saying to her, you know, he's going, I've got three jokes. I've got three rules about women. And the first one is. And he's going and it's like a guy coming down off drugs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't watch this. Even though this is a bad joke, the worst of it is that you can't get it out of your mouth. Yeah. And he's holding up his hand to tell his jokes. What an idiot. Man, anyway, I didn't like, look, the first joke offended me. So anyway, what happened was he told someone else's jokes

and no one noticed. Word for word. Yeah, word for word. It's been exposed now. You can find his jokes on YouTube. And he could have changed Robbie Williams for another performer. He could have changed the amount that he paid for the ticket. Exactly.

And that's scary. That's where you go, this guy's in trouble. Because he could have said, exactly, I went and saw Michael Bublé for $100. Instead of going, I went and saw Robert Williams for $150. So he pitched two jokes, did them verbatim. Yep. And it sort of kicked off this week in the news where people have gone,

that's the wrong thing to do. And a lot of people have gone, no, they're just jokes, mate. Just do whatever. Well, his defence on Today Tonight, he appeared on Today Tonight, and his defence was it's like people get email jokes and then they read them out to colleagues in the office. How's this any different? Because this is nothing we should say about him.

Yeah, some people steal stuff and they don't get caught. How come he can't get caught? Is he referring to the stage as his office and the audience as colleagues? And his mouth as an email. And his mouth as a text message. Danny Minogue is the water cooler. This is the thing we should give context about him. He is a serial auditioner of talent shows.

Australian Idol. He's been on Australian Idol like four times. He's a guy that he wants to have his face out there, and he kind of doesn't. I don't think he cares how it's out there. Are you guys familiar with his website? I'm very familiar with his website. It's a wonderful website.

And I knew him when I was working at Rove about three, four years ago. I came across him on the internet somehow. And then actually Rove actually said, I know him. He sent me some DVDs. Do you want them? Because I was pitching this idea that I'd interview him. And Rove gave me the DVDs of his horrendous shit. I forget what it was now.

It was like a kid's show or something. And his website, he wears, he's got all suits made up. Different coloured suits. Like a royal blue suit, a red suit, all with matching headbands. He's a one-man Wiggles. And his little bio says Jordan Paris is set for superstardom. Hey, baby. That's the song when you open his website.

And it says, I love us, Australia. Comes up on the thing. As though he's got like, because he's like a performer or something. He thinks he's got some responsibility to like, you know how like people like Russell Kroger, I better give money to disasters. He's got that in his head already, which is like this thing of like, hey, hey, before we start, I love us, Australia. Hang on.

We don't know you or like you or even want to look at you. So you can't love us. Anyway. Yeah. Why has he got us instead of just I love Australia? Why is it like I love us in case anyone's going, who, who Australia? Oh, us Australia. Oh, that Australia.

Oh, the other one. Yeah, yeah. But he also has his bio starts with Jordan Paris's life has already been like a Broadway musical. Ups and downs and twists and turns. Jordan Paris has plenty more left on the road ahead. Is there a musical where someone gets their teeth horrendously capped? Well, the thing I love about his bio is that he mentions that he was born,

he was a premature baby. Oh, right. And he was like the youngest surviving one. And so he now does this thing where from his bio it says he sneaks into hospital wards unannounced. And then there's a direct quote, like a modern-day Patch Adams. I was going to say, maybe he's just copied and pasted that bio off a Patch Adams website.

That is remarkable. He sneaks in because otherwise, you know, the crowds, if he did... Well, with the headband, you'd have to sneak in. But then it goes, this tends to raise the ire of some of the nurses around the place that he's sneaking in. And he goes, I just say to them, look, I'm just here to give some relief to the parents and the kids because I say to them, look, I've been here. I was in your position and I survived, so everything is going to be okay.

That's one of the nurses don't like you because you're going around giving the kids false hope. Just some kid who's like unconscious on the bloody iron lung, and he's going, you'll be right, champ. He'll be out of here in no time. I've seen it before. You'll be right. Check this guy out.

The kid in the iron lung's going, mate, I saw you on the news, you dirty, joke-thieving arsehole. I think I'll take my chances in death. Absolutely. We had a lot of people say that. Is there a blimp going to hit that building over there, by the way? That blimp? That blimp is really.

Oh, is that a blimp going out of control? I don't think it is. We're watching a blimp out the window, and it was about to hit a building. And this says a lot about who we are. I assumed I never assumed it was out of control. I just assumed, like, shit, they're really close. But that was interesting. Tommy's gone, it's out of control. What did you think, Carl? You just thought it might hit the building?

Yeah, I was sort of hoping it would, to be honest. No, because when I turned around, it was just spinning wildly. I think it's actually just an inflatable, and I think I can see the wire. Oh, really? Yeah. I see what you mean. Yeah, like optically. It's a fake blimp.

Yeah. Is it a fake blimp? It is a fake blimp. And it's like advertising like budget airlines. Maybe Whitman's. Yeah. Maybe the Whitman's. Maybe the budget's gone right down.

That's very disappointing. So anyway. Maybe Jordan Paris sent that up there to distract us. Jordan Paris, right. Here's my own little, I had a little bit of an experience with a Jordan Paris light a couple of years ago. Now, when I first started stand-up, probably a year in, I was in a competition and it was for another radio station. I sort of had to enter. I went in to do the gig live at the radio station.

I didn't know whether it was going to be a theater or whatever it was. Get in there. It's like a boardroom. I'm doing a gig in a boardroom with 10 other comics. We get in there. There's no audience. There's just the 10 comics. And Dave Hughes is the judge.

And so that's a weird enough experience as it is. So I go in there. One of the contestants, one of the guys, walks in before we start and looks at me and goes, oh, good day, mate. How's it all going? And I'm like, do I know you? He goes, yeah, remember? I met you at a gig two weeks

ago at this at this pub and i went oh okay i remember this guy now and what it was was i'd met this guy he'd done a gig then he came up to me after i'd done a gig and got oh that was really good and he complimented me on this one joke this one joke that went basically and keep in mind this is like my first year of stand-up the joke is something like it's not that bad something like uh when i was a kid i was quite paranoid that there was someone under my bed. And now, it's only years later with the benefit of hindsight that I realized I slept on the top bunk. Now, that's a joke.

That is a joke. You can't take that away from me. No, it's yours. I did that joke, and that guy complimented me on that joke. Anyway, so we get into the gig. I do my thing. He has brought up that joke, and I thought, oh, I'll do that joke again. So I did five minutes' worth of material on these other comics and on Husey.

I go pretty well, and I finish on that joke. Now, as it happens, that guy that complimented me on the joke came on straight after me, did four minutes' worth of material, then closed on the same joke. What? Hang on. Did you do that? Yes, I did the joke. You've just done it.

Yes, I've just done it. I closed on that joke. I finished on the joke. Thank Christ you went first. Yeah. And then he directly after me does the joke within four minutes of me doing it to a crowd of 10 people and Husey. What was the reaction?

There was just 11 people going, oh, like that. And then they all turned around and looked at me, including Husey. And then Husey just back announced it by going, well, I guess that can happen. And then everyone just looks at me for the rest of the gig. And then they're all saying to me, what are you going to do? What are you going to do? And I go, well, what can I can i do like i don't know and then the gig finishes and everyone goes to walk out the door except for that one guy gets halfway at the door the guy that's

that's pinched the joke he turns around comes back to me walks straight up to me and goes yeah i did just steal that joke off you and i go oh that's okay. You know, given that thing of, you know, when someone says something, you just automatically try and be a nice guy and go, that's okay. But then in that split second, I go, hang on, you don't say that to someone who's just pinched your joke. So what's happened is he's just come out and gone, yeah, I did just steal that joke.

And I go, that's okay. Hang on a minute. No, that's fucking wrong. Never do that again. Did you send that to him? Yeah. I said exactly that sentence. I just switched mid that again. Did you send that to him? Yeah. I said exactly that sentence. I just switched mid-sentence.

I know exactly what that is like. I had the same one where I was talking to someone. I was going, look, this person's telling me that, you know, they say to me, I know you can't trust me anymore, but hey, let's work. We need to work. Move forward. We need to work. I know you can't trust me, but we'll work together.

And I was telling someone else, I'm going, I can't, if someone says that to me, like my brain shuts down. I'm like, what are you talking about? Like, I don't trust you, but we're going to like, well, that's madness going, I can't, if someone says that to me, like my brain shuts down. I'm like, what are you talking about? Like, I don't trust you, but we're going to like, well, that's madness. Like I can't, it doesn't compute. And this person goes, oh yeah, I know what you mean. It's like, uh, it's like, um, you know, trying to put a sandwich in a VCR and wondering why it won't play.

And I go, yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, exactly. You know what I'm talking about? And I'm just thinking, no, what the fuck are you talking about? Why? Who's VCR? Who's using a VCR anymore? And who's got fucking sandwiches?

Who are, what? But you go, yes, you're good, I'm the same. They need to change that saying. They need to make it like, it's like opening the tray on your DVD player, putting a thin slice of salami on the tray, pushing it back into the DVD player and wondering why you can't watch Pirates of the Caribbean. I mean, it loses some of its sort of-

That's 2011. Yeah. I get what you're talking about now. They've got to update their bad material. Update your metaphors for Y2K, dickhead. Yeah. Look, I'll tell you, in terms of people, like that guy, I guess he didn't insult you. Well, he insulted you, but didn't realize he'd done it.

Yeah. I was at a party. I don't really go to parties very much. First time I met you was at a party. Well, he insulted you, but didn't realise he'd done it. I was at a party. I don't really go to parties very much. First time I met you was at a party. Oh, yeah? Going away party for friend of the program, Kent Valentine. Oh, yeah, yeah, right. I cannot trust you anymore. You're going to lie like that to me.

I'd rather stick a baguette in a Laserdisc player. Laserdisc? That's a middle reference. So I went to this party And it was an old school friend I suppose You know a school friend Is someone that you know

From school Right They're not like a friend And in fact I know this person's Never really liked me And we've bumped into each other Every year probably

For the past you know Eight years It's always like that thing Of going I know they don't Really like me But you don't get into it Because we're not part of Live so you don't worry about it

But we're having a drink At this thing And I was talking to them, and I was going, look, this was after I'd bored everyone I spoke to to tears, right? So every conversation I've had this night, you're just seeing people switch off and go, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, I've got to go outside. That's after I thought, we're really getting on. That happened a lot.

Anyway, so I'm talking to this girl. It's about to happen right now, to be honest. I know. I'm talking to this girl. I'm looking for that blimp again now. There it is. There it is. There she goes.

Look, long story short, I said to her, come on, you don't like me. I don't really understand why. Let's just relax about this. There's no reason not to dislike me anymore. And she was like, no, no, no, no, no, of course not. We're talking. Long conversation. And then I said, look, come on.

I mean, I know. I know I can see it. Like there must be an old Jewish phrase for it or something. What's the, what's the thing that you, you know, you don't like about it? She's like, no, don't be ridiculous. You know, and then she sort of thought and she went, well, I guess, uh, you know, I guess I've always thought that you're a bit gutless. And I was like, there you go. Holy shit.

You were harboring something that led up to later. And look, I'm not saying that I've always thought you're a scumbag, but so I left it going, wow, like I'm not offended by that. I'm just glad I got that out of the stone. That people walk around going, no, no, you're like, I've got no issue with you. As they're thinking, gutless scumbag. I've had that too recently. That's such a weird, harsh thing to just pull out and go, oh,

no, you're fine. Oh, actually, you are one of the worst blokes I've ever met. That's rough. It's rough. That's a weird thing to just go, oh, no, you're just a little bit one of the worst character traits. They're probably using Australia. I've sort of had that happen recently where like, there's someone who you know who you suspect doesn't like

you. And you tell everyone and you go, this person hates me, this person hates me, this person hates me. And then all of a sudden you'll say that to someone and they'll go, yeah, they do hate you. They told me that they hate you. And even though you know it and you've been going around telling people, just having the validation of it.

It's like, like I had this recently where I would just rag this person to everyone. And then my friend was like, it's funny that you mentioned that because she was actually telling me the other day that she hates you. I was like, really? She hates me? What? What? Why does she hate me? Like, and in my head I mention that because she was actually telling me the other day that she hates me. I was like, really? She hates me? What? Why does she hate me? Like, and in my head I'm going, you knew this already.

And you're getting all insecure and weird about it. I know. That's true. But I can, maybe it'll be easier for you as you get older. But for some reason, I'm okay with it. Like, I could take it. I was like, that's fine. That's fine, girl.

But thank Christ you said it. Well, I, the thing, one of the things that, one of the reasons apparently that she hated me was because I'm loud, which is fine. That's okay normally. But she's a loud person as well. She's a loud person. Well, there you go. People don't like people that are similar to themselves.

I know. That's it. That's the classic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's classic because, you know, you're at a party. I hate a lot of awesome dudes. Oh. You've got the same thing.

You're standing there in a group together and you both pull out your Trump card and it's like the same card and you're like, fuck you, where'd you get that card? They're like, no, this is my card. I was born with this card in an incubator with fucking Jordan Paris. This is mine. Yeah, yeah. And look, it's only loud.

I had to say to my wife in a text message the other day, I said, look, I'm really sorry that I'm a bad person. I'm sorry that I'm a bad man, but at least I'm only a little bit a bad man. You know what I mean? Why are you a bad man? Full blown. Like some people are really bad people, but you've just got to accept it in yourself. You're going to be a bit loud. You're going to be a bit gutless. You're going to be a bit of a scumbag. You're going to be a bit of a bad man, but you're going to be a good

guy. You're going to talk to that guy in the lift. You're going to make a good joke. You're going to make someone laugh. You're going to do a nice thing. You're going to buy a sandwich. There's so many things. Don't stress out on some of them. Well, you're a bad man. You seem like a good man to me. I've done some bad things.

Have you? Let's get into it. I can get angry sometimes. I got angry once, and it was a bad time to get angry. It was not a good thing that I said. Very basic information you're giving. I was bad once. It wasn't good.

It was bad. It was not good. I was like talking to, this is like a seven-year-old boy, you know, the school principal. What did you do? I did something bad. Well, let's get into this because we were talking about the rapture before. Now, I don't know about you guys, but, you know,

it was whenever it was a couple weekends ago and it was, you know, if you're on Twitter or whatever, a lot of people going, oh, you know, the rapture's coming up and kind of hanging shit. And any time there is a thing like that where a lot of people get very cynical and kind of mocking of, oh, yes, if the world's going to end, there's a part of me that goes, maybe it will. Like, we don't know. Like, it's a weird miracle that any of us are even here to begin with.

So you've got to presume that when we're taken out, in whatever form it is, it's going to be something equally inexplicable. And I had a moment on that day of sitting around going, what if this is actually it? And then thinking, what do I go to heaven? Like, I'm not religious in any way. I don't pray. And I've done some dodgy things.

But I think, I imagine you would have the same thing. You're a bad man. Were you thinking, on the whole, I guess I'm all right. Yeah, I'm a good guy. I lie sometimes. Standards have probably slipped in the last 2,000 years. So on the curve, we're all probably decent guys. Exactly.

If I was around in the 50s, I'd be a monster. But now I think I'm in the top 20. As long as the great almighty or whatever it is didn't see me sort of encouraging that blimp to hit that building before, I think I'd be okay. Well, he subscribes to the show show so i think we're in trouble once this goes out on the air it's absolutely it's funny you say that i totally agree and i was thinking even if we take the times back further you know exactly like in the middle ages or in like you know roman times or times big kingdoms like who the when we didn't have choices you know as like who knows what you'd be like you

couldn't say yeah i want to i want to be like a, a famous guy. Cause like, fuck you, you're not a fucking, you're not royal. You want to be a famous guy. You fucking dig that ditch, you piece of shit. And that's all you've got, you know? Cause you're not like, you just weren't born into it. That would be awesome. If that's how they spoke in Roman times.

Dig that ditch, you fuck. Well, I was thinking this and I want to work out what yours is. Like, you know, some old time. Carl Chandler, Gravedigger. I don't know why. Really? That's what I think. I think Carl Chandler, 2011.

If comedy doesn't work out, that'd be your first article. There's something about him that I just think Gravedigger could be, you know, Hamlet, you could be the Gravedigger, you know, do the old Yorick speech. Tommy DeSalo, Tommy Masala Daslo I was thinking I don't know I was thinking I originally wanted to say Court Jester because you've got something about that

but then I was like He's not funny enough It's a big gig The King's Court Jester That's a stressed out gig Good So I'm thinking Pots

Maybe making pots Making pots I don't know I don't know Town drunk That's cool Yeah Vagabond

But there's not only I would say pickpocket I would have that as a pickp. That's cool. Yeah. Vagabond. But there's not only like... I would say pickpocket. I would have that as a pickpocket. That's cool. Chimney sweep. Yeah, you look like you should be in Oliver's little band of vagabonds. Now, this is a question, Tommy. Would you be the one picketing the pocket?

If that's what you say. Picking the pocket, I should say. Yeah, not protesting against the pocket. Not picketing it. That's right. Picking the pocket, Or would you be distracting Or would I cross The picket pocket line

Would I be You scab Well I think I think I'd be the distraction Because you were saying You know you think I've got a jester Quality to me

So that'd be like Maybe that'd be like My dream is to be the jester But I'm not I'm a pickpocket That's the next best thing Is like I can see you with a hat upturned

Sort of shaking a hat To someone Mister Mister Just a coin Governor The next best thing is like, hey. I could see you with a hat upturned. Sort of shaking a hat to someone. Mr. Mr. Just a coin, governor. That's lovely. I absolutely can see that. Like you were trying to impersonate me in olden times and all you could come up with was me just going, Mr.

Mr. What else did people say? There wasn't that many words back then. Okay, yeah, yeah. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr.

Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr.

Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr.

Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr.

Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr.

Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr.

Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr.

Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr.

Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr a song? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think they're coming up next on Triple A. What if my distraction was, Hey, hey, baby. Jordan Paris, start of his website style. I think that would be a good show for you guys to do at the comedy festival, where you are a local distractor, pickpocketer guy. You are a grave digger. You're wearing the old garb. You bump into each other, and it's all set in an alleyway,

and you do stand-up comedy to each other. I don't think I could think of a worse show than that. I was just going to volunteer to give you five bucks to get you started. Okay, all right. Then we'll do it. We'll do it. Hey, what about this? I've got something I want to bring up.

So we're talking about the rapture. And it's funny that we've seen the blimp spiraling out of control out the window because it actually sort of ties into something I did over the weekend. Now, just to give it a bit of context. I hope you were in a blimp over the weekend. Close. What are your guys' number one fears? What's your number one fear, Nick Maxwell?

It's a classic. What are you scared of? Can I tell you? I want to tell you the one, and then I just want to have a little add-on. Okay. Just, I want to tell you the one, and then I just want to have a little add-on. Okay. So the number one fear is- Greedy, but anyway.

Number one fear is, imagine like a drain or a pipe, and I've crawled through the drain, and I'm completely stuck. I can't move. You're right. Yeah, yeah. My hands are by my sides. Oh, yeah. My head is at one end-

Yep. And my legs at the other, and I can't move. Right. That's one classic claustrophobic fear. My head is at one end and my legs at the other and I can't move. That's one classic claustrophobic fear. Like no one's going to find you, so you're just basically going to starve to death trapped in a pipe. Yeah. But even if I think about that for a second, I start to get all hot. I had one last night, which was I'm on a giant building that has just hollows.

Where all the windows are on a building, imagine it's just a one metre by one metre spot. My fear is that I'm just up in one of those holes, just like there. Right. How the Christ, there's no elevators because it's not a real building. Okay. And it's just like if I think about that for too long, the fear takes over to the point where I can't bear it. So you're basically scared of being stuck in places.

Yeah, stuck places. And the last fear, you know how in like old movies or like cartoons? Hang on, stuck in a VCR. Yeah, but I'm a sandwich first. Like a birdie or sandwich. In between two other people. Old movies and like cartoons, people always get thrown out of their house in their bed. You know, it's like a comedy thing where like someone's in their bed

with a nightcap and their thing and it's like, oh, my bed's out in the middle of the street. I've never seen that bed go. It's like in old movies where the grandpa won't get out of his bed and then the bed gets pushed out. Oh, they just throw the whole bed out. Or there's a magical bed.

That, for me, if I was in my bed out in the street for people to see, shit, I would be embarrassed. I don't know why. That's the new one. That's the new one. That's the new one. Being in my bed in public and I wasn't prepared for it. It wouldn't be funny to me. Maybe that's why you sent that text to your wife about being a bad

because you just got worried that in the middle of the night she's just going to get out of the bed and just push you into the street. Do you start sweating when you see Captain Snooze? When you see Rod Quantock on the street, you start getting a bit weirded out. Or at least he appears to be on a TV set or inside a store. So you're right. Bed stores are halfway there.

There's an anxiety about bed stores and a real fear about the bed being outside. A real fear about Quantock. Carl, what are you scared of? Any fears? You saying that, I don't think I've got one fear, but I do get what you mean about every time I have to get under a bed and get something for a split second, I think, wow, this is like, it must be like, you know, if you're in war and you get stuck in a hole or whatever, this is what it would be like.

This would be really bad. I do get a little bit of a shiver with that, but I can't think of any proper fear. No. I guess you could say I'm fearless. Oh. No, no, no. Hey, the second you and I are in Captain Snooze and we drop a dollar under the bed, you're fearful. We could double our fears up right there.

Yeah, that'd be good. What happened to you? Well, my big fear is heights. I'm really scared of heights. That's why you're five foot tall. Yeah, yeah. I had the choice to go taller and I went, oh, no. So my big thing is heights.

And this weekend I went on a joy flight with my dad because he won a ticket in a raffle. This is like a small plane. Yeah, a small plane. So he'd won this. You're just ticking boxes of my other fears right now. Yeah. Well, this is the thing. Light aircraft.

Holy shit. So he'd won it Homer Simpson going in the Duff Blimp style. So we go along, and because Dad's quite, Dad used to fly a bit, so he sort of knows a bit about it. So as we're driving to the airbase where it is, the first thing about it is that the type of plane that we're going up in is called a moth. Now, of all the insects to name a plane after,

could you have picked a more frail insect? Because it was a cloudy day, I got worried that the clouds were going to part and then there'd be a bit of light and this plane would just automatically fly straight into the sun. Yeah, exactly. Moths, they're always dead when you find them. Exactly.

So I'm already nervous about going up in this rickety little plane on my own, with a pilot, but just like a small plane. So then as we're driving on, because Dad knows a lot about planes, he just decides to start reeling off facts about it, which just did nothing to instill confidence in me. The first thing he goes, so these planes are really old. This is the same type of plane that was around during the war.

I'm like, oh, yeah, of course, because heaps of things last forever. Dad's like, that's a testament to how safe they are that they're still around. I'm like, Dad, it's got to go down sometime. It just reminded me a lot of an 80-year-old woman that's like, I've had this TV since 1962, and then it bursts into flames in the middle of the night. The spoons are in its sleep. Your thousands of feet up in the sky in a machine that was built before they figured out how to make a toaster.

Pretty much. So I'm already not loving this conversation, and Dad's going, on the planes, you know, it's made out of wood and canvas, and there's no, like, real motor in it, so to start the propeller, a guy just has to come out and manually spin it. And I'm like, how about we save the facts about the plane until, when we're safe on the ground at the end of it?

Can we just not hear more about how shit this plane is? And then as we're pulling up, Dad goes, so I think they do a bit of aerobatics. Would you be up for a bit of that? And I'm like, sure, why not? We're already defying the will of God Almighty by going up in a bloody balsa wood plane that we have to be catapulted into the air. Why not chuck a few loop-de-loops in the air?

Why not? You're already flying on top of a hummingbird that doesn't make any sense while it's up in the air. Why not? And I start to have this thing, the same thing with the rapture, where I go, let's just, in my head, let's just say that this is the point where I die. This is it.

Is this it? And I'm just going, I mean, I guess, you know, there's still more I could do, but I guess this is not a bad time to go out. I'm with me dad. I feel like this would be, you know, I feel like I've done enough in my professional career that I'd probably just make the papers. Not a big, you know, it'd be just a net because I'm nearly there.

Local paper. Local paper, maybe. Yeah, the leader. Yeah, the leader. Front page of the leader. Maybe if it's a slow news day, I might make the back of the sign. Sidebar. There'd be a sidebar.

Maybe. They'd dedicate a Fred Bassett to me at the very least. Oh, come on. I think that's why I like you though. Because I'm constantly evaluating my own death.

I think you've got to and I think that that's the other thing. If you're going up in the light aircraft you've got to be real about this and go exactly, holy Christ,

what am I doing here? Whereas, I'll tell you what, like six out of ten other people, they'd be like, yeah man, this is like entourage and shit. Fucking going up in my private jet. Woo!

Boom, I love this. And then land and go, yeah, I'm me. I don't give a shit. It's like, nah, I don't know. I don't know if that's so good. I don't know if that's so helpful. But I'm trying to evaluate like what I, you know, like the last few days and go, has this been a good lead up to my death?

And then I remembered the day before that I went out for lunch with my mum and my nan, and my mum has this pub that she loves going to for lunch that we've gone to a few times now, and I like the place, I just don't like going there, because you might know a pub in Richmond called the Spread Eagle, and not a place that you'd want to go to with your mum. And she's always suggesting that we go there, so I'm sitting there with my mum and my nan, and my nan's looking around going, what's the name of this place again? And mum's going, the Spread Eagle.

And nan's like, what? And mum's just going, the Spread Eagle. And that, I could not stop, as I'm being strapped into this fucking little balsa wood matchbox plane, thinking that I'm going to die, that was the only memory that I had in my head. I'm like, this is it. This is the note that I'm going out on. This is the last significant thing that I'm going to die, that was the only memory that I had in my head. I'm like, this is it. This is the note that I'm going out on. This is the last significant thing that I've done. It's like if I was doing that, my last memory would probably be watching European Vacation

with my mum and dad and having the bit where they go to the strippers and they all take their top off. I may just be sitting there trying to will my mum to walk out of the room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what? It's good, though. You know what you should take out? If your last memory was European Vacation, what you should take out of it is when they

all buy the clothes, and they've all bought their new clothes in Paris, and they're walking down the street. And I think it's Audrey says to Rusty, or maybe Clark says to Rusty, I think it's Audrey says to Rusty, you look cool. And Rusty goes, I feel cool. And it's like, I'll take that. I'll take that as my last. I don't like those entourage guys going

yeah yeah yeah but you know what as one of your million parts if you can feel cool for five seconds that's alright so here's the other thing with being strapped into the plane there's a whole thing where because it's all old and there's all these little wires near where you're sitting and the guy who strapped me in was like

now whatever you do don't bump that thing there because that's the fuel line and otherwise the fuel's just going me in was like, now, whatever you do, don't bump that thing there because that's the fuel line. And otherwise, the fuel's just going to drop out of the plane and then you'll fall from the sky. And so as soon as I get told something like that, I go, well, I'm going to end up bumping it. I'm going to accidentally sneeze and smash it and then we're going to plummet out of

the sky. But it was actually, it was once I got over my crippling fear. Once I accepted that death was probably going to happen, I thought, well, I might as well just enjoy this. Yeah. This is, you know, and then even as we're coming into to happen, I thought, well, I might as well just enjoy this. Yeah. This is, you know, and then even as we're coming into land, I'm like, well, because we had to double around. We had to do a second landing because we were going in and it was a bit windy or whatever.

And he went nut and went back up again and then doubled around. I'm like, well, this is just it now. This is just delaying the inevitable. Hurry up and crash. Yeah. Just fly us into that fucking lake right there. Let's see what would happen. The guy who's like, yeah, man, this is my entourage jet,

he would never have bumped that fuel thing because he'd go, yeah, no worries, pilot, I'll just pretend that's a Cristal and there's no way I'd be smashing that. Woo! Let's fly to Vegas, baby. What a snoop. In a wooden plane. It's like the ye olde turtle.

Yeah. But here's what made me laugh a lot about it. As we're driving in, because it's on an airbase, so when you get to the front gates, you've got to sign in, you've got to check in and it's all official and whatever. So we were in the car and we had my dog with us, right? And we get to the front gate and the woman's like, okay, I'm just going to have to sign everyone in.

Was your dog going up? No, my dog wasn't going up. Why was she bringing your dog? What was he going to do, just tie him to a thing? Well, no, because the reason the dog was with us... Tie him to the plane. The reason the dog was with us. Tie him to the plane. The reason the dog was with us, my parents are selling their house and they're having an inspection that day, so I just wanted to get the dog out of the house.

So the dog came with us and just, the idea was she'd wait in the car. Just hang out at the airport. So we're driving in and the woman goes, you guys, we'll sign you in and you're going to have to tie your dog up to the fence. It's just a rule that we have here. You're just not allowed to have dogs on the base. It doesn't matter if she's staying in the car. Dogs just aren't allowed on the base. It's just a rule that we have here. You're just not allowed to have dogs on the base. It doesn't matter if she's staying in the car. Dogs just aren't allowed on the base.

It's just a blanket rule. And then there's a few seconds silence, and then Dad goes, she's blind. Does that make a difference? I just saw the woman contemplating going, it's not that we think that the dogs are going to see air-based secrets and sell them to doggy Al-Qaeda. That's not the issue here.

I like his effort, though. Yeah, good on him. Where did you put it? It's like them saying, are you sure? We'll give it a test. We'll give it a test to see if it's blind. Oh, it is blind. Okay, we'll let it go.

Yeah, in you go. Yeah, well, this is the thing. We had to leave the dog tied up at the front of the airbase, and mum just sat there and waited with the dog in this shed while me and dad had our little flight. That's great. Women aren't allowed in there either. That's family.

Good family outing. That's what happens with families. I promise you, any time you try to do anything that you think is nice as a family, it can only end up depressing you. And that's not because anything bad about anyone. It's just life will get you. This is blimp flight. That was meant to be a beautiful day for that family.

Well, you guys are good guys. Thanks. Can I say that? In summary. I think you're good guys and I think we should go out and grab some food. We'll go grab a milkshake and a Big Mac. We'll go to the casino. We've been wanting to go to the casino after.

Do you guys ever go to the casino? Dec gambles, so he sometimes goes there. I don't go there out of depression. Yeah, yeah. All right, well, that brings us to the end of the show for another week. Thanks very much, Nick Maxwell, for joining us. It's a genuine thrill. I really like talking to you guys.

Have me on again if you can bear it. We would love to. So check out the Sweetest Plum Podcast if you haven't before. It's a great program. If you are listening to this on the day it's gone online, Wednesday, June 1st, and you're in Canberra, Carl and I are doing a gig tonight at the, I think it's called the Civic Pub, comedyact.com.au for more details. Thanks very much for listening.

If you like the show, leave us a little review. I want to come down to that show. I want to come down to that show and get some tickets. We're going to make a road trip. We're going to make an episode. We're going to bring the recorder with us. You guys, see, this is real. That's good life.

That's really good stuff. Shit. Go on, you guys. We're taking the Dumb Dumb Club blimp over there. It's going to be great. Does Robo Carl have anything for us to sign off with? Tommy Alsop is his robot. Oh, yeah.

Someone told me that earlier, but yeah. Oh, shit. I forgot. We're fuckheads. Thanks very much for listening, guys. If you enjoyed it, jump on iTunes, leave us a comment, and we'll see you next week. See you, mate. See you, mate.

I forgot. We're fuckheads.