The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 35 - Denise Scott

Episode Date: June 7, 2011

Looking People In The Eyes, Choosing Your Own Steak and Wooden Penises. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey mates, welcome once again to another edition of the Little Dumb Dumb Club. My name is Tommy Dasolo, sitting opposite me is my co-host Carl Chandler. G'day dickhead. How you doing? Um, I'm okay. I've been better. I've just come from, uh, old mates of the show will know about my auditions of the past. I've just come from an audition.

So what was the product today? Because in the past you've done pies. Yep. You mean I've tried for pies. You've tried for pies. You've tried for Telstra. Was one of them Telstra? Where you had to do a funny dance?

Yeah, I can't keep track of all my failures. I'm not sure. There's a lot. Well, let's introduce our guest today because this will tie in beautifully with what our guest is now into. Failure. No! Yes. No, you're right, though.

I love the topic of failure. Who are you? I love the stories. Oh, sorry, I was just passing by. Well, you may know her from the 7pm Project, from Good News Week. She's written a book, All That Happened at Number 26, and you can currently see her on Channel 7's Winners and Losers. It's Denise Scott.

Yay! Hello there. Very exciting. Thank you for having me. Thank you for being here. The little dum-dum club. Not failure, acting, I mean. Because I wanted to ask you about coming from comedy into acting.

How do you do it? Because I'm not very good at it. Do you feel comfortable with it? That you would even begin to compare yourself to Denise? No, no, I think that's fair enough. It's an odd thing, isn with it? No. That you would even begin to compare yourself to Denise? No, no, I think that's fair enough. It's an odd thing, isn't it? Because in my era, stand-up comedy didn't really exist when I was like in my 20s. I mean, it wasn't really around in Australia.

So I, or for women anyway, so I just imagined I was going to become an actress. Right. As you do. But I had absolutely no idea in the world how you went about achieving that goal. So I became a school teacher. Now I would say that's probably not the best way. No, no. That's not a gateway drug to acting, I wouldn't have thought.

And then I went into clowning. Really? Full on proper clowning. In fact, that's where I met my partner, John. In a mini car? In a little car? I went into clowning. Really? Full on proper clowning. In fact, that's where I met my partner, John. In a mini car, in a little car. In a little car honking our horns. But with acting, I had my last true acting gig.

This is what I mean about, well, lack of success. Right. Shall we call it that rather than failure? Lack of success before you make a success now. Okay. I did a film on SBS, which was actually very good. It was a very good film called Piccolo Mondo. And people said, you're going to get an acting career out of this. And 20 years later, I got the call for my next gig,

which was Winners and Losers. I also, just on failure, because I do enjoy stories of failure so much more than stories of success. You're on the right show then. You're like the losers more than the winners. I was on Neighbours. I got a part on Neighbours being Toadie's auntie. Oh.

Oh, except that, you know, it was just a short period of time, a couple of weeks or something, I arrived for an episode. And then next thing I was watching it one day and there's Toadie's auntie back and it ain't me. Really? Not me. So obviously I didn't do a good job. Now, how have they gone about it? Have they

sort of tried to get someone who looks similar? No, no. Totally, totally different. Doctor Who style where she's just regenerated? Yeah, regenerated. Because they've replaced an actor who's on there now and they haven't even made him go away and then come back which I imagine would have been the case with your character. This guy was just overnight. Suddenly

he looks completely different. There were three Lucy Robinsons. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So that's, yeah, acting. And just on that, with Winners and Losers, in fact, because it's produced by Marianne Carroll, who was part of Comedy Festival and part of the comedy scene.

And so she knew me. You've got to get someone who knows you and she was the one who put me up for the audition and wanted me to get the part and but I went back for four auditions and in the end um you know my agent rang and said look they still want to audition you but you know they're just not sure you know know, that you can, you know, and I added in the word act. Is that the problem? You know what they were trying to do?

They were trying to choose between the two toady aunties. Yeah, exactly. You've legally changed your name to Toadfish at this point. And then so I said, well, the truth is I don't know how to do this and I've got a tip for you. Oh, good. This is a great tip and it's stand-up comics are very, very bad at looking people in the eye.

Right. Because you look out at an audience. Into the distance. Actors eyeball the person they're talking to and they maintain that look. And you know who I learned it from? Who? Alan Brough, who's on Spicks and Specks, of course. He's done a lot of acting.

So I got him to come over to my house and run me through and acting. And exactly, and that's not easy because he's six foot five. Right. I'm five foot two. And he played the role, I don't know if you've seen Winners and Losers, but he played the role of my daughter, Jenny. Hang on. In the audition scenes, he was playing the role of my daughter.

I was going to say, because I could see, you know, how you would change that with that other actress, Pody's auntie. I could see how they would have changed Ellen Brough's role. But anyway. Anyway, so, and truly, he said, do not look away from me. And I found that very awkward. But I went into that audition and just eyeballed the person who was reading. And I got the geek, Carl.

That's all I'm saying. Eye contact. What did you audition for? Is this going to be an awkward moment where we find out that you've auditioned for the role of the mum on Winners and Losers? No, for the Toadie's third auntie. I auditioned for the role of the mum on Winners and Losers? No, for the Toadies third, aren't you? I auditioned. This is the weird thing because sometimes I guess I think casting agents just pluck faces out of the comedy festival guide sometimes.

I do a lot of stuff like stupid comedy-ish roles sort of thing where they just pluck my name out because it's got comedy at the side of my name. So today I went in for something and then I found, I actually read up on the show. It's a new show and what it's going to be is like a detective serial for the ABC, a serious murder mystery thing. I'm like, why am I going in to do this?

So you're going to be the new Inspector Rex? Yeah, exactly. Is that what you're auditioning for? I'm supposed to be some Nordic person that lives in Richmond in the 50s. I don't know how that works. So did you have to have an accent? Well, it said Nordic, but then all the dialogue was like, who's this bloody whacker over here? And I'm like, I don't know how I can put that in like a Swiss accent or a Norway accent

or whatever Nordic even means. I didn't even bother looking it up. So did you give it the accent or not? I didn't because I looked at the dialogue and it said, look at this bloke. This bloke's a dickhead. And I'm like, well, how do you – no one else in the world talks like that. Were you eyeballing them? I wasn't.

And as soon as you said that, I thought that is a massive mistake. Yeah. Eyeballing is the answer. And the other thing, you know, because I watch these actors in Winners and Losers and they just go for it. Like, you know, you want tears? Yeah. Sure, here are the tears.

And I was petrified because I said to Marianne Carroll, as long as, you know, you're not expecting me to ever really act in the show, I'll be fine. Like, come on, let's face it. And she was like, oh, she said, well, there might be a time when you have to, you know, and I'm like, what? And she said, like, cry. And I'm like, no.

I said, no, that will not happen. And this is absolutely true. One of the times I had to tear up happened to be the day my mother in real life died. She had died that morning and I was with my mum when she died. Went off to filming. Can you believe? That's just the sort of mad thing you do. Anyway, went off to filming.

And even then they said, can you tear up a bit? I'm like, no. I can't. Now, of all days, if you can't work yourself into a slight squeeze out to you. But they have this marvellous thing called the tear stick. Oh, really? They just hit you with it? Fabulous, yeah.

That's true. Cry, you robot! And they just waft this thing under your eyes. And they tear up. Is it a bit of onion juice kind of stuff? Is it eucalyptus? Oh, it makes you cry. It's not just spritzing you in the face.

No, no, it tears you up. You get tears happening. It's not just a tiny hose that they put over your face. Yeah, yeah, that's what I thought. So then I took one to Mum's funeral. That worked. No, I didn't. That's some good acting because you had me there.

That's good. No, but I did, yeah, so there are things you can use. I thought you were going to say when you said to them, I hope you don't expect me to act, that they'd then have to trick you into acting on the show. Like a little kid. You just think that you're living your normal life, that your kids have had some friends around or whatever,

and there's cameras planted all over the house, Big Brother style. Well, this is the frustrating thing. When I get called in for these things, I don't particularly like the process. I mean, no one likes auditions, but especially acting, it's not something that I feel very comfortable with. It's not something that I believe I can do well. So when I get called in for these things, I'm like, it's like a girl that I'm not very interested in asking me out on a date.

Because I'm like, well, that's nice to feel wanted, you know. Yes, yeah. I'll go. Like, it's nice that someone wants me to do that. So then I go, and then essentially I go on this date, and then five minutes in, the girl goes, no, I'm not really into you. See ya. And I get dumped by someone I didn't even want to be with to start with. Yeah, it's an excruciating thing, especially if you're not,

if you don't know how to do it. No. You've got to start taking a leaf out of my book, just not getting asked to them. Yeah. It certainly makes it a lot easier. I'm jealous of you. I have, just not for a little while, actually.

I did a few there a couple of years ago, and I've just dropped off the radar. Not naughty enough. Not to sound desperate, but please, someone give me a call. Yes. Just to be able to say to mum, I'm going to an audition, just to feel like I'm doing something. Well, hey, it took me until I was 55. No, you know, so hang in there.

I'm 57. Maybe Denise can get you in as one of the losers on the show. Oh, okay. Ouch. Okay. Ouch, ouch. Maybe I... No.

All right. So I find that interesting that you got into stand-up through wanting to be an actor because it seems like you've got a lot of strings to your bow, so to speak. I mean, you've written a book, which is... I think you have to have. In this country, in this brown land of forsakenness, where there just are not enough gigs. And there's not too many have a career path that just keeps going and going. Unless you're someone like Carl Barron, you've sort of got to do eight different things.

Yeah. Yeah. And there's very few of those Carl Barron people. So what would you say is... Thank God for us. There's one of them. Well, I'd say there's only one. those Carl Barron people. So what would you say? What would you say? Thank God for us. There's one of them. Well, I'd say there's only one, yeah. Hey, yeah, you're right.

But so I have found, because I don't like, I've never, I suppose it's that I've never really felt like I'm good enough at any one thing, so I kind of have to keep having a crack at something else. Sure. What would you say is your favourite of the mediums that you're sort of known for? In fantasy land, writing. I love the idea of being at home and spending, you know, five hours a day writing and a bit

of gardening and a lovely open wine. I love that idea. Yeah, exactly. Four and a half hours of Facebook. of gardening. I love that idea. Yeah, exactly. Four and a half hours of Facebook. The reality. Yeah, exactly. Oh, we've got to talk about Facebook later. I've seen you plenty of on Facebook.

People have a go at me for Facebook, but I've seen you plenty of times on there. Yeah, I got hooked on it. And Facebook is great. I was totally into Facebook as long as it's positive. Once it turns negative, once you get a barrage of hate on you, it's like I've decided I cannot deal with that and I don't want to risk it happening again. So I'm currently, it's taking me some time, but I'm currently shutting down my Facebook page. Oh. It's taking me some time, but I'm currently shutting down my Facebook page.

And because I really, it's like there's 3,000 people on it. And as I say, it's all happy enough. But then when it gets ugly, which it has, it's horrible. And it's your page and you've got people wanting your death. So you're not on there as a personal page. You'll let anyone in? When I started, I didn't know what I was doing. And so I had an official page, which is, you know, so that it's an official page.

Your fan page or whatever. That people like. But at the same time, I'd set up my own page and then I kind of didn't know what to do because no one went to my official page. It was everyone coming to the normal page. So I just thought, oh, well, I'll make this the public page. I won't make it personal.

So then you've got 3,000 people talking about what they're having on their sandwich for lunch or whatever. Someone over here is very guilty of that. And that's okay. That is okay. I don't do it on other people's pages, though. I don't go, hey, Denise, just thought you'd like to know. It's chicken and lettuce today. But I've really got burnt badly.

And so during Comedy Festival when one of my jokes offended people. So this was a joke on the gala? Yeah, on the television gala. The onslaught, it was like, I can only describe it, being kicked in the guts over and over and over again. And it's something I'd found always a delightful place to visit was now the total enemy. And suddenly you're wishing that someone would get on there and tell you about that one. Yeah, exactly. So I had John, my partner, monitor my own personal page.

I had my manager monitor the official page until that stuff finally disappeared. And then I thought, right, well, I can't. I just don't want to be open to that anymore. This has gone terribly serious. No, that's fine. It's interesting. It's good. It's like it's an interesting place, Facebook.

I would urge you, just hearing your experiences with it, I would urge you, based on what you've said, for the love of God, stay away from Twitter. Oh, this is it. This is it. That will not go well for you. I haven't got a thick enough skin for anything. And, in fact, even though I talk a lot about my private life on stage and within a book,

actually once you've got – that's me talking about it. Once you've got all these people who don't know you talking about you and what you should have done, what a cow you are, what a – well, you know, I don't know how much swearing you can do, but what a fucking cunt who should die you are. I think that's probably just the right amount. That's probably enough. But, you know, it's like, wow, hang on, this is my page. How come you're all arguing about me and how I live my life

and none of you have met me? We've talked about this sort of stuff on the show before, but it is a classic thing. Oh, sorry. No, no, no, I'm not saying that. Oh, could you do something original? Put it on a wall tassel, though. God.

No, I'm only addressing it because I feel like I'm about to say something I've said before. But for me, I feel like with that stuff, when people do that, it's like, if you don't like something, just say nothing. Yeah. You know what I mean? Just stay away from it if you're not into it. You don't need to get it. People feel connected and they feel like, oh, I'm friends with Denise Scott, so I'm just saying this as a mate. And of course –

You're a cow. Go and kill yourself. We're mates. Just giving you a bit of friendly feedback. I'm glad you just said cow. Cow. Not the other bit. No, you reminded me.

Cows are one that you don't – I don't really hear cow anymore. No. That's a – what a cow. You're bringing it back. Yeah. I'm going to bring it back. You're talking about Twitter. Here's something that I did yesterday.

I was booked in to do a private sort of a gig. Do you have a business? Oh, yesterday was not the audition. Today was the audition. Today was the audition. Yesterday I had two gigs. One of the gigs was show business. I think he's bragging.

It's brilliant. It's a business. Funny story, I've had quite a lot of success lately. Anyway, what else? No, now, I did a gig yesterday, and it was part of the Emerging Writers Festival that's on in Melbourne at the moment. Yes, yeah. And there was this private thing that this person booked me for.

It was something to do with Twitter, something to do with the experience of Twitter on writing and stuff. Anyway, as far as I knew, it was a meet-up of all these tweeters or whatever you call it, and I was to provide the entertainment for 15 minutes because I did a show on the festival about Twitter. Of course you did. Yes. No, I'm not saying that. Of course you did.

Of course you did, young man. No, but I know that is what I'm saying. I didn't go and see it. No. But, you know, I know about it. Why would you? So I went along to do this gig. Having said that, most of my show about Twitter, most of the Twitter stuff that I talked about,

I had visuals and audio visuals and stuff of. So I went along. And what I had instead of a projector screen or instead of a CD player or instead of anything good was I was put on a box in the foyer of the Fed Square in a thoroughfare where they were booking tickets about five feet away. And I was given like a little amp. Well, I stood on a box.

I had a little portable amp and a tiny little mic that came out of it. It looked like I was about to say $6.99 for bananas, guys. That's what it looked like. It looked like I was at the front of a greengrocer. So then the gig, let's call it the gig started, about 12 people rocked up, stood around me like two feet from me, and as soon as I started talking, they all got their phones out and started tweeting.

So when I started my gig, I didn't have one face. I couldn't even take your tip and look at people in the face. They were all on their phones, which was horrible because it felt like they weren't heckling. They weren't brave enough to heckle out loud. They were just going, this guy is shithouse, hashtag bad comedian. And it was like a time capsule of heckling, so I wouldn't even see it until I got home. They were getting on Facebook.com slash Denise Scott and going, I've seen your mate Chad

at shithouse. You know, that reminds me, at your comedy room, at the Spleen, that's the- Yes. No, was it- The Monday or the Soft Belly on the Thursday? The Soft Belly, the one in the little laneway. Yes, Soft Belly in Little Bourke Street. There's a lot of ads for Carl's Success so far.

Yeah, there are. We're getting around to you. Don't you worry, Nassla. It's going to be a pretty quiet corner. I was sitting in the audience waiting to go on, and I don't know who was on. I think it was Lawrence Mooney was performing, and he was doing great.

It was nothing, absolutely nothing to do with the gig. He was hilarious. Everybody was loving him. And I saw this girl get out her phone and start, I guess, checking whatever. saw this girl get out her phone and start, I guess, checking whatever. And then I saw the person sort of three people up from her sort of notice that and get out their phone. And then it seemed to be like a virus where as people saw, it was like,

oh, shit, yes, I've almost forgot I've got a phone to check. I almost forgot to not pay attention to you. And I asked them at the break, I said, you know, because I just was really fascinated. And she said, oh, I just can't go more than 20 minutes without checking my phone. Like she was loving Lawrence. And then the guys further along were like, yeah, yeah,

when we saw her looking, yeah, we thought, oh, we better check, see if we've got... But there's really anything of importance, is there? Well, it was ridiculous. Yesterday, literally, this is literally true, I was looking at 12 heads that were all down. They were laughing, but they weren't looking at me at any stage. It was the worst. It was the weirdest.

And the only people who actually verbally heckled me were the organisers, which was nice of them. To put the effort in. Yeah, they were the only people that were saying anything and they were razzing me right up. You're right there, Denise. I'm a bit the same with that where my girlfriend gets angry at me because I'm always checking my phone and Facebook is open whenever I'm doing work at home. But if I step back for a moment, I go, nothing ever happens on there. Nothing ever happens on either of them.

I'm addicted to having to check it every five minutes. It never a moment goes past where I go, oh, thank God I checked that because I just found out something great. But isn't this part, and you'll just cut this out if you've already been through this, but isn't that part of the appeal of it, that one day something amazing might happen? Is that what we're all doing? I think so.

It's like, or you, I think it's also become. It's like, this is what being religious must be like. Just waiting for it to all happen. And it's a way of, I think now, because that's what I use it for, and I think, is to get validation. So you're going on hoping someone, for some reason, is going to tell you you are the most amazing person on the planet. That doesn't happen either, but you sort of, well, where else do you go?

Yeah, for validation. Yeah. But your own computer. Yeah. Well, we often remark on what the new comments on iTunes that we get. Oh, yeah, yeah. You'll have that, won't you? Yeah, there was a good one today that I read.

I wasn't going to bring it up, but now that you've gotten to it, what do you reckon about this as a review? It said, this is loading. Okay, here we go. So, good review. He's into it. And then at the end of the review, by the way, gave you four stars because I think we both know where there's room for improvement. Now, what was the first?

What was the opening of that review? The opening review. Oh, so I see what's going on here. You've read it before. I've read it before. You've checked it before. All right. Carl.

Okay. G'day, dickheads. Love the guests and the chat. Yep. Stop. Carl's voice is kind of sexy. Yes, go on. And Tommy, I'm sure it wouldn't take much therapy to sound like an actual dude.

Are you happy? Yeah, you got what you wanted? I did, very much so. Now, that's Denise laughing, by the way, for anyone that's not me. Oh, now I'm coughing. Yeah, again, that's Denise, not me, because I know we have a recurring thing of people writing in and thinking that I'm a lady on the airwaves. Really?

Yeah. I'm going to close my eyes. Just talk to me, Tommy. Okay, I'll read out the rest of it. Because I would have listened to the podcast, but I don't know how to do podcast listening. That's fine. That's fine. Well, I'm 56.

You know, I don't know how to do – anyway, I'm closing my eyes. It's not like one of those mobile phone rings where you can only hear it when you're 20. Okay, I'll read the end of the review. Thanks for making an hour of fun in my otherwise boring two-hour drive to work each week. I suppose. Ah, good. No, no. Well, it'd been a very husky

Yeah a manly woman Hard living sort of woman A tough chick People thought lesbian A lot of people said lesbian No I think he'd be a straight woman I don't know Okay

Here's another one I like I was disappointed that Tommy is not a lesbian It's not too late though Tommy You can change things Oh good I'm glad it's not too late, though, Tommy. You can change things. Oh, good. I'm glad it's not too late. Well, you only have to change your gender, not your sexuality. So that's nice of him to offer that up.

True. The thing I liked about this, though, is, yeah, four stars because I think we both know where there's room for improvement. Yeah. What does that mean? Well, obviously, your voice. Oh, no, that's not it. Tommy's got a great voice. I like his voice.

Thank you. I can't do anything about it. I like this one, though. These guys continue to develop their rapport together. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if they're actually holding hands under the table. See, that's nice. Oh, wow. That is nice.

You don't have to be slanderous. See, this is like our equivalent of your Facebook page. Yes. Yeah. It's happy. Yeah, it's nice. It's positive. It's like an audio picnic, I think.

Oh, I like that. Well, here's something else that happened over the weekend. My parents are selling their house at the moment, and the auction was on Saturday. This is exciting. Of your childhood home. Oh, wow, this is something. This is a big step into adulthood for you, I'd say.

Like, this is a big something important. But see, that's the weird thing is that, like, because we talked about it on the show when my parents were thinking about selling it quite some, a little while ago now. And, you know, I think it was when we had Pete Hellyer in here and he was sort of saying, do you feel, you know, a bit sad about that? And people have been saying that to me. And to be honest, I kind of don't. Like I started to feel a bit sad just because so many people were saying that to me.

But I don't know. Is it weird that I sort of don't care? Maybe it's like a breakup where at the time when you break up with a girl, you're like, yeah, who cares? Hit the road. Don't let the doorknob hit you in the ass on the way out. Yeah. And then after a couple of weeks you go, oh, actually, she was the love of my life.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, maybe I will start to, I mean, when I'm packing stuff up. Yeah. Maybe I'll start to. So it's sold? Well, it's sold eventually. But the thing was, so first of all, I turned up, I got there as the auction was starting and I watched from out the front.

So I turned up with my girlfriend, which is funny because it's, you know, it's a family home and they're selling it. It's in the suburb of Malvern. So I come around the corner with my girlfriend. Were you funny because it's a family home and they're selling it. It's in the suburb of Malvern. So I come around the corner with my girlfriend. Were you thinking about putting in a bid? Well, that was a funny thing because I come around the corner and I've just seen sort of everyone who was already there turn and look at me and my girlfriend and think, oh, these young upstarts.

Look at these. These 20-somethings think they're going to probably got some money from Daddy to splash on a nice house in the suburbs. But then it was this weird thing where no one bid. So the auctioneer's there. He's sort of gone pretty hard at it and sort of getting nothing for it. And there's a weird sort of sense of, you know, kind of pride in that of like going, because no one there knows that it's the house I grew up in.

And I'm looking around just going, what's wrong with you, Pete? It's fine. What is it, not good enough for you? Don't you know how many lonely tears have been shed in that upstairs bedroom? It's got to pull. Yeah, yeah, yeah. God. There is a, you know, if you get on iTunes, you'll find some reviews that, you know,

one half of iTunes is the little dum-dum club grew up in this house. My name was changed in those bedroom calls. But no, they have sold the house. It passed in and then a guy made an offer. A dude made an offer on Sunday. So it's all done. And are they going to stay in Melbourne? I think their long-term plan is they want to move kind of Mornington way.

I think they might get a place in the city. And you're sort of eating them on to get a much smaller place to the rest of it goes in the kitty for the little inheritance. Is that it? That's it. And then a mysterious boating accident just off the peninsula. Very, very mysterious if they're staying in the city and they get killed by a boat.

Yeah. Yeah. So that's it. Yeah. But it is a weird thing, like watching, you know, not a huge crowd but a crowd of people look at the house that you grew up in and you've got all these memories and just look at them all there going, nah, no good.

I think so. See, the house I grew up in, in Greensboro, when my mum went into a dementia unit, we had to sell it because you have to pay a bond for the unit. So you basically have to sell the house to pay the bond and for the dementia home. And I couldn't believe because that was the only house I'd lived in as a kid and my mum had been in it like 50 years or something

and I packed it up like just with such ease. And really it was like, no, it was time to let it go and nothing. But my kids are absolutely terrified at the thought that we'll sell our house. Oh, really? Like they can't stand it. You even mention, oh, maybe it's time to. No, you couldn't possibly. They absolutely feel this incredible attachment to the house.

I can see that. I can see that for sure. Well, I mean, the one pang of that kind of thought that I have had is I did realise that, you know, if for whatever reason, you know, when you leave home for a bit, if you need to, you know, if you need to move back to save money or whatever, there's moving back home for a bit. But then if your parents have moved somewhere else,

you're not going back home, you're moving in with your parents, which is kind of, like, is that sadder? I guess that's a sadder thing, you know. This is the concept, though, that I don't think, I'm pointing my finger now. See, I think that's a weird thing for your generation, because my generation, right, baby boomers, whenever we went back to even the home we grew up in, it was our parents'

home. We moved in and abided by the way they lived. See, my kids come and go all the time, living at home, moving away. They come back in and it's a share house. It's like they take over rooms. They chill. They chill right out. See, and I get amazed by it. Classic artist family. Fighting for time on the computer on Facebook because their mum's blocking it all up. So if you auction, if you did sell the house, it would sort of be like what Tommy's saying. You could maybe have the auction board out and have as read in. It'll happen at, I'm not going to say 41.

Well, you know, when, because the book I wrote, All That Happened at Number 26, is about the house, and we've only, John and I have only ever bought one house, and it's the one our kids grew up in and we still live in, and when the book came out, we got a letter from the real estate agent who sold us the house. Oh, really? Just saying, you know, it's me and I remember selling you the house. Oh, wow. Are you interested in selling it?

Because we need homes. But he did, yeah. So that was just, yeah, that was just all a waste of time getting to the, do you want to sell your house? Yeah. He probably sent the same letter out to everyone in that street. Yes, but he had something personal. Just chopped that first paragraph off the top.

That could be like, you know, if you're auctioning the house, you'd be like, mate, this house has been nominated for a Barry Award. Yeah. Do you know that? Yeah. Do you know how many units this house has sold? Awesome. Hey, I was going to mention this at the top, but we got straight into it.

Carl and I, Denise, we drove to Canberra and back last week to do a gig. Oh, for gigs. Yes, 16-hour round trip to do one gig. Worth it, I imagine. You decide if that's a waste of time or not. It was nicer just to get out on the open road and, you know, see the Edamoga pub. And we had a very nice counter meal at a pub in a time warp in the middle of nowhere,

wherever that was. Holbrook. Holbrook. New South Wales. Yeah. Holbrook. We walk in, and it's one of those, you know how you have to go to bistros and stuff now, and you can only get pub meals that are worth $20 and stuff like this?

Just to get into a place where it's got the tote happening, it's got the bedding happening as soon as you walk in, the door, and the footy tip on the wall, and just old, unevolved people from the 70s. Yes, yes, fabulous. Unevolved. I like that. What did the guy say? What did the guy say as soon as we walked in?

Yeah, this is a great thing where, so the bartender's there and his mate who he'd been chatting to had clearly left to do something and he comes back. And so the bartender goes to him, oh, I thought you'd disappeared for the day. And then his mate says something like, oh, I'd never leave you, sweetheart. And then the bartender goes, leave that caper out. Caper? Leave that caper out. And classic thing in the dining room that I hadn't, I think I've seen this before, but

it's been years, bit of getting your cutlery in the little plastic sleeve. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? They wash it and then they put it back in a little plastic thing. And you're sort of going, why bother? You're not fooling me. I'm not thinking that you've just gone and bought this new and that you're just binning it as soon as ever. Especially since they were dirty when we got them.

They were filthy. They were filthy. Yeah. It was a good trip. It just reminded me, this is a couple of years ago now, on a comedy festival road show, walking into a pub. It was in Tasmania. I can't remember the name. A very small town and it has a golf museum.

That's all I know about it. Hannah Gadsby talks about it a bit. Anyway, there's nothing there. Went into the pub and it was like walking into a Gold Rush painting or something. You know, men with beards sitting there in the day, in the middle of the day, and looking at you very suspiciously. I like how you're saying men with beards sitting there during the day. Like, what a mess.

Nighttime is there, don't they? How dare they? Hide your beards when the sun's out. And so there was like about, anyway, very cold sort of atmosphere. And then I walk up to the bar and the woman who ran the pub lost her mind, absolutely lost her mind. And she's like, oh, my God, I don't believe you're in my hotel. And all the men are sort of looking interested.

And she said, oh, I'm a big fan. She went on and on like I'm a big fan. I just can't believe it. Oh, my God, she's breathless. And like I've loved you from the beginning of your career. And these blokes with beards are all right then. And then she's going, I've got everything you've ever done on video. Can I blow your house?

She said, I've got everything you've ever done on video. Can I buy your house? She said, I've got everything on video. And I went, oh, okay. And then I went to pay for my drink and she went, no, don't worry about it. It's on the house, Shirley. And I went, Shirley? And she went, yeah. Aren't you Shirley, the bush poet? And I went, no. And she went, the one I met at the Camp Oven Festival last year. And I went, no, I'm not. And the devastation. So anyway. Well, it was better than what I thought.

I thought she was going to say, aren't you Shirley Strawn? Aren't you in Skyhooks? Well, I did Google Shirley the bush poet. Yeah, it doesn't do a lot to boost your morale. Anyway. But couldn't you say at least, no, but I am on the telly. Like, I can still have the free drink. That gave no comfort.

I was on that SBS film. I don't have any VHSes, BGS and DVDs. Well, here's why I bring up the trip to Canberra was because, you know, obviously two days straight in each other's company, Carl and I had a lot of meals together on the road on the way up there. And I have noticed that you are the sort of person, you really make your waitstaff work when they come out. You do.

Okay, I don't know if you're this kind of person. I'd feel uncomfortable with someone like that, Tommy. I know. Carl can't just look at a menu and go, I'll have the bacon you're this kind of person. I'd feel uncomfortable with someone like that, Tommy. I know. Carl can't just look at a menu and go, I'll have the bacon and eggs. No. You know what he does? He does a bit of this gear. What would you recommend?

Yes, yes. It's their restaurant. They should be recommending everything. Well, that's what I say. They should know. It's their restaurant. And I do try and make it clear. I say, I know that everything's good, but you tell me what's the best.

But then here's another one that you do where they go, oh, well, I'm partial to the penne carbonara. And you go, I don't like pasta. Why bother me? I have to admit, there is a little bit of what would you recommend? Meal A, I'll have meal B. It does seem like that where, yeah, you've worked out what you want and then you're leading them around in this.

Like in Choose Your Own Adventure book where you'd kind of skip to the back and find the ending that you wanted and then you'd kind of like cheat your way through it. So I can't have pasta. I can't have chicken. I don't want a sandwich. The steak? Oh, well, if you say so, I'll get the steak. There is a little bit.

I just, you know, I want to remove all doubt. I may have made up my mind, but I want to hear what they have to say first. That's fine, but I get weird eating with you because I've just had this paranoia of if you make it too difficult, then you're just going to get heaps of saliva in your food. That's what I do when I eat out with you. A little bit of paranoia setting in. It's going to be a bit central right up in my food. I don't think I'm that bad. I think I'm just a well-educated diner. I don't want to order

blind. I don't want to have one of these horrible meals. You know, when you come back and you envy the other person's meal, I want to be happy. I had a great meal the other night. We organised with friends to go to Charcoal Lane, which is – You were going to say Charcoal Chicken. Yeah, which was great. But, you know, it's an upmarket sort of gourmet restaurant.

But anyway, booking, there was a stuff up. And we were trying, we were going down Smith Street, Fitzroy, all the groovy gourmet restaurants that have opened up there in Northern, all full. You can't get in any of the groovy places. And then we come across Mama Vittoria's, which is in a town, been there forever, been there for absolutely ever, big, almost empty. And so we go in and, man, you know, like I'd forgotten how good butter

and salt and oil, fantastic and cream. Like no politically correct food. No holding back on the portion sizes. Great. Oh, I'm still. And what's happened to the word Mornay in contemporary? I don't even know what that is. Mornay. Everything used to be Mornay.

And it's cheese and cream sauce. Oh, my God. Is that like bechamel? Is that similar to that? It's similar, but it's Mornay. Yeah, you would have had a bit of Mornay up where we were. We had scallops Mornay. Oh, wow.

And so this pan comes out, and so the scallops are sizzling in butter and double cream, and then they give you big fat slices of white bread to dip into the Mornay sauce. Oh, God, I loved it. I was really happy. And, you know, hey, I am overweight and got a heart problem. But, oh, man, that brought me so much happiness. Again, obsessing about food, are you sure you haven't listened

to this show before? Because that's a good 90% of what happens. Oh, really? You talk about food? I talk about food a lot. But everyone talks about food. It's such a big part of life. And they wouldn't have charged you at the restaurant, obviously.

They would have said, Slim Dusty, your money's no good here. Yeah, that's right. They said, no, no. But, oh, it was so fabulous. I'm still sort of salivating. Yeah, I like that. Oh, yeah. Tell me, what's the name of itivating. Yeah, I like that. Oh, yeah. Tell me, what's the name of it again?

Mama Vittoria's. Mama Vittoria's. We should go there. And it's classic. It's got the gingham tablecloths and the little candle on each table and an open fire. See, I'm not really one for fine dining. As you'll know if you've heard me talk on this show before.

I don't like it. Yeah, and I've got a couple of mates in particular who are mad for it. Me too. Possibly, well, not the same. Yeah, you probably met at the same party five years ago. Do your friends do the thing where, because my mates who are obsessed with it, when their birthday rocks around, that we're going out for dinner to this super expensive ritzy joint, which,

you know, then you're throwing down 80 bucks for a meal, tiny portions. And every time we've done it, I've ended up having to get KFC on the way home because I'm still hungry. Yeah. A lot of money for this food and it doesn't fill you up. Tiny portions. And then the wine, because I love wine. But at like 80 bucks a bottle and that's the basic price,

you're aware that you're not going to just throw it back. That upsets me too. I love plain sort of – well, when I say plain food. Comfort food. Yeah, I love it. Love it. I don't like fine dining much either. What's your specialty? What's your specialty around the house? Oh, I love it. Love it. I don't like fine dining much. What's your specialty?

What's your specialty around the house? Oh, around the house. I'm really – I love cooking. And so I've just got into – because I was – well, was. I like the way I use the past tense. Overweight. Still am. And I've really tried to lose some weight.

Okay. So I've gone on a bit of a – I've got into salads, which never really turned me on before, but I've got really into salads and, you know, just grilled chicken steak or something like that. Oh, yeah. Since winter though, casserole. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I love it. And because I'm home riding at the moment, I go out about 3 o'clock because we've got shops, a fantastic shopping centre just near us. I go to the village and get my food supplies and make, you know, like a chicken and pea and mushroom and bacon casserole. Winter is particularly hard to find. Do I go all sexual? You do.

I was going to say, much. We're going to get letters. I felt like I should have had to pay $10.95 a minute for that bit of dialogue. Someone's going to write in and say, I really like that woman's voice. No, no, not the lesbian. The sexy woman. So what about you? Where's your favourite place to eat, Tommy?

My favourite place to eat? I'm fond of a good counter meal. Yeah. Actually, the Waiters Club is one of my favourites. I was actually more going to ask you, Carl, do you cook? What do you cook? I've got my basics that I cook. I like to cook, what, a good steak, a good curry. Oh, yeah. I don't know how to do curry. Hey?

I don't know how to do curry. Just a simple curry, you know, like the curry paste. You buy a bottle. Yeah, fair enough, too. Yeah. Yeah, what, curry and a good, you know a bottle. Yeah, fair enough too. Yeah, curry and a good pasta. Oh, yeah. Oh, what else? Occasionally fish, but then it will stink out the house, so that's not good.

Nothing super complicated, just the lamb, just the basics. Very basic, but nice. I do a good roast. I'm a really mean roast. I've never done a roast, even though I think roast is probably number one. Isn't it weird how, I remember when I moved out of home, I couldn't fathom how to cook a roast. Like, it took me a long time before, and I'd ask Mum for instructions. I'm at that stage now.

She couldn't really explain how to cook a roast. It's just sort of something you have to pick up. My specialty is risotto. I'm a big risotto guy. Yeah, I like making good risotto. And not as hard as people think. That's my... Ah, wow.

But that's pretty much... That's the only thing with any degree of difficulty that I can actually... All right, that's going to be my new goal. I'm going to learn how to cook a risotto. Because I'm a late convert to the risotto, thanks to you. Yeah, yep. Because you've been quite a vocal fan of the risotto. I love it.

And I've never been into it. But now I'm into it. I'm right into it. Let's do a swap. Let's all swap so Denise can teach us both how to do roasts. Yeah, yeah. I'll teach. Sorry, I'll teach Carl.

I presume you'd know how to do it. I don't want to offend you by saying that I'd have anything to teach in the culinary department. Plenty of roasts at 27. 26. 26. I'm going to get that number right. Is that how old you are? No, no. The address of your house. Oh, you're younger than 27. How old are you? I'm a balloon risotto. 26. 26. I'm going to get that number right. Is that how old you are? No, no, the address of your house.

Oh, you're younger than... How old are you? I'm 24. Yeah, because I remember when I met you. Do you remember when you met me? Oh, this is... Was it at the local? Would it have been at the local?

Uh-oh. He's forgotten. Oh, no. When we met. He did that with me as well. It was at our house, I reckon. Oh, no, I would have met you at gigs before, surely. No.

Really? You were in year 12. Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah, I was doing gigs when I was in year 12. Oh, of course you were. Yeah, I came round to your house too. Because you had your year 12, was it a media?

It was a media studies film. Yeah. And your son did the music for it. Did some music for it. Yep. And so we got to see it about the tree cut in the shape of a penis. Yes, yes. When I was in year 12, my final media studies project for the year,

which pretty much all of my mark for media studies was based on, there was a story in the paper about how some guys had cut a penis out of a tree stump in their front yard and the council had made them chop it down. Yeah, yeah. And I went down and interviewed them and interviewed the council. So the Woodward and Burns scene of odd spots in the paper. I've got no idea what you just said. Okay.

When you came to my house that day, you didn't know who I was, did you? I knew who you were, yeah, yeah. Did you? Because I kept – because you interviewed people like Tripod and that, because I saw this, you know, about this thing. Oh, I see where this is going. Yeah, yeah. I see where this is going.

Oh, yeah, your whole hurt, hurt just stabs you. It gets you, and this is a great moment. For a dick cut out of a bit of wood, you should have interviewed Shirley the bush poet. Exactly. God. Exactly. You fool.

You interviewed Shirley the bush poet. Exactly. God. Exactly. You fool. But I'm there saying I have a whole routine about the bit of wood cut into a penis. To be fair, I don't recall those words ever leaving your mouth. Because you were too busy. He was too young to understand.

To be fair, I think it was maybe destructive. The first thing I remember happening in your house was I walked through the front door and your husband came out and I met him and said hi. Wearing a dress or something. No, he said, oh, you're just a moment too late. I was just washing out the dog's arsehole. He did.

He did. That is firmly, as firmly etched into your memory. Gosh, we're almost yelling at one another. Oh, we were both so scarred. I thought, I think I like this family. We are going to get on. And that didn't even get in the book. What sort of a house is this?

And there was no privacy either because you had to, because where the TV was was where the kitchen and everything, so we all got to see. The dog's arsehole. No, Tommy's film for media. Where the TV was was where the kitchen and everything, so we all got to see your, which was. The dog's arsehole. No, Tommy's film for media. Which was great, by the way. It's on YouTube if any friends of the show want to have a look. It was fantastic.

Yeah. And if only I'd got to say a few of my gags on there. It just would have, it would have. How about this? I mean. How about this? He could have got into Monash instead of. How about this? For the 10th anniversary,? He could have got into Monash instead of. How about this?

For the 10th anniversary, which is coming up in a couple of years, I'll do like a director's recut and I'll get you in there. I'll recut it and I'll put you in there. That was actually when I was doing that because I did that at, I moved high schools at the start of year 11. And so I was doing that in year 12. So like not heaps of people at the school knew me and I was editing it on the school computers and people kind of knew that there was this weird new kid

who was doing a film about a giant wooden cock. So people would just get on the school computers and like watch bits of it when I wasn't in the room and I became known to kids in the years below me as, there is the cock guy. I'd just be walking around and some kid in year 9 would be, here he is, cocky over there. And did you do well?

I did. I got a good mark for it. I bet you did. It was excellent. It was in the top films or like with Top Arts, how they pick the best things in BC. I should do a recut. I should do a recut of Saving Wood is the name of the film

and get Denise and I'll get Carla in there as well. It was something about I used to, you know, like, why do men choose to carve the shape of a penis? And then I just talked about, well, it's easy. It's an easy, straightforward shape. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. And then I remember talking about how that's why you get your birthday cakes in the shape of a penis.

You know, like. Who does? Any Vietnamese restaurant. No, I'm not being racist. At Thai Taiwan down in, haven't you ever been there and it's like lights go out and somebody's having a birthday and they bring out a giant phallus with sparklers coming out of it? No, no, no.

Why is Vietnamese restaurant the chosen venue for phallic cakes? I don't know, but that's where they happen. And then I – See, this is why you're not in the film. There's too many questions. Yes, yes. It's not straightforward enough. But I did pose you couldn't make this equivalent for a woman.

Right. You couldn't make a, and then I put. You can. I've looked it up. I'm serious. I've looked it up. If you Google lady part cake, boy almighty. A butterfly cupcake.

Oh, okay. Comes close. Do you know the butterfly cupcakes? No. They were very trendy in the 50s. Right. It's a bit of jelly divide. I'm not sure if Dassolo's parents would like to hear about stuff like this.

He's not allowed. A butterfly cupcake. All right. Well, guys, I think that brings us to the close of the program. It cannot be thus. It can. Time flies when you're talking about lady partakes and Facebook and whatever else we went on about.

Denise, what have you got coming up? Have you got anything you want to plug for the listeners? No, absolutely nothing. Absolutely nothing. I've got nothing. Winners and losers has finished shooting for now. Is it still on the telly, though? It's still on the telly.

It's got like another 16 episodes or something to go. We did 22. And it's very good. I've enjoyed it. I don't usually enjoy stuff like that, so I like it. I like it, too, I have to say, and I don't usually like stuff I'm in. And I've said this to you, and I'm sure other people have said it, but it's like an upmarket Chances, if anyone remembers the show Chances,

when they win the lottery at the start of it, but then people start taking their tops off very willy-nilly after that. But you guys haven't got to that stage yet. Well, you'll be surprised. Frances Greenslade, who plays my husband, we get into some pretty raunchy sex stuff a bit further on in the series. I watched the first episode with my parents because I happened to be at their house when it was on.

I was like, oh, Denise is in this because my parents are big fans of yours. And so we were all sitting around the table like, isn't this nice getting to watch a bit of telly with your parents? And then they've done that classic trick of getting into a sex scene in the first minute and a half of the first episode. Yes, and it's very, even watching it because, you know, my, well, Geordie's away overseas, but my daughter and her boyfriend

have made a commitment that they'll watch Winners and Losers because they don't, you know, they're not into comedy really and stuff, but they'll watch Winners and Losers with me. It's the same thing. We're sitting there and then it's just like, oh, really? Because it's my daughter and her boyfriend sitting there and there's a lot of, you know, sex business going on. Yeah, it's an awkward thing watching it with your parents where, I mean, I'm thinking something that I never thought I would think

and the thought going through my head is I hope I don't get to see this hot girl without clothes on again. I really hope that doesn't happen again. But if I was alone, it would be the opposite. We tend to talk. I start talking, oh, I don't think this is something we should be watching. Oh, this is funny watching this together. My family go the complete other way.

We all pretend that there's just static on the screen and nothing's happening, that the signal's gone out. Oh, yuck. Yeah. Which is worse, do you think? The chat or the ignoring? The second one, I think. Ignoring it?

That's all I've experienced, and it was horrible watching National Lampoon's Vacation when all the strippers in Paris got their gear off and my mum saying, is this something we should be watching? If no one talks, I think the mutual feeling is everyone's just trying to pretend that they don't know what's going on. Yes, very much. As a child, you're sitting there going, maybe if I look at the screen in a certain way,

it'll look like I have no concept of what sex is. I started to try and look younger, so my parents are like, oh, he doesn't even understand what this is. I feel like even your parents are looking at it going, if we look at this in a certain way, maybe he'll think that sex was invented sort of after, even though that makes no sense. Like it was different back in the day. I was saying to my mum, I don't even know what those body parts are.

I thought they were just cakes in some Vietnamese restaurant. I don't even know what that is. All right, so winners and losers on Channel 7. And Denise Scott, she's got heaps of VHS out there. Yeah, yeah, with poetry. Do you have a DVD? You've got a book. I do.

You've got a house on the market soon that we'll play on the show. That brings us to the end for another week. Thanks so much, Denise, for joining us. Thank you. Thank you, Denise. An absolute treat. Thanks, guys, for listening and we'll see you next week on the Little Dumb Dumb Club. See you, Matt.

See you, mate.