The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 36 - Tommy Little

Episode Date: June 14, 2011

Cough Syrup, Apprentice Tattoos and Gay Engagement Photos. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey mates, welcome once again to your old pal, the Little Dumb Dumb Club. My name is Tommy Dasolo, sitting opposite me, a man who's been sitting in this studio for about an hour and a half now. He's my pal, he's your pal, he's Carl Chandler. G'day dickheads. How you doing? Yeah, I'm alright. You've had enough time to prepare for the show. I have. Let's explain what's your pal. He's Carl Chandler. G'day, dickheads. How are you doing? Yeah, I'm alright. You've had enough time to prepare for the show.

I have. Let's explain what's going on. We arranged 10.30, and I get a call from you at quarter to 10 going, where are you? I said, well, I'm where I'm meant to be. I'm on the tram. Where you're meant to be? Yeah. Yeah, on the tram.

On the tram, on the way in. Okay. Yeah. See, normally you're late, and today you've overshot the mark and come in way too early. Yeah, so this is going to be a humdinger of an effort by me today because I've had 45 minutes up my sleeve for pure radio podcast alchemy. This is all going to be gold from now on. You can come up with a better term for it in the hour.

Apart from this bit. Hey, as is tradition on the show, let's mention a new iTunes review we've got up there. One star from a bloke because he can't get the cover art to load on his iPod. How's that our fault? That's fair. How can you enjoy a podcast without a tiny little picture that you'll look at for half a second once? But then I liked this quote from the review,

I blame Dasolo because the channed man wouldn't leave listeners high and dry like this. Now, to me, if you've listened to the show at all, you would understand that that is exactly the sort of thing that Carl Chandler would do. I would probably do that on purpose. Exactly. Have you hacked into my computer and deleted the cover art from our feed?

Very devious. Hey, I just want to mention quickly, any Brisbane-based friends of the show, I'm up there this week doing gigs June 16 till 18 at the Sit Down Comedy Club on June 19, headlining at the Powerhouse. So come down and say g'day. It'll be good to see some friends of the show there.

Speaking of gigs, last night we were at Spleen, a gig that's run by the man sitting opposite me, Carl Chandler, and some other friends of the show. Listeners of the show may recall we mentioned this gig a couple of weeks ago when we had the Anyone for Tennis guys in here in relation to there was a guy in the crowd who fell asleep and then shat himself last night before the gig, bloke out the front of the gig, pisses himself.

What kind of hobo magnet are you running? It is a bit of a hobo magnet up there. But you were just telling us before we started, someone that was asking you for a gig last night and spat on you. He did spit on me. What is going on? This is not attracting any new visitors to Spain. There's actually, apart from those isolated incidents, it's a nice little gig to go to.

So good you will lose control of your facilities. So good you will expel something from a whole of yours. Yes. Is that a good review? Is that going on the poster? That's something. That's something. They're words.

They are words. You've been in here for an hour. All right, let's get into it. Another man who was also with us last night at a comedy at Spleen. He is the current host of Studio A on Channel 31. You may have seen him also on the 7pm Project. It's a good buddy of ours, Tommy Little. Hey, gents. How's it going? Good, man. Good to have you in here finally. Yeah, yeah. It's a good buddy of ours, Tommy Little. Hey, gents. How's it going?

Good, man. Good to have you in here finally. Yeah, yeah. It's nice to be in here. What episode are we up to? 147? Jeez, it's getting close, isn't it? What happened? Jordan Paris couldn't make it? Is this what we're down to? You're on the top of our list of people we want to get if we can't get people better. Oh, yeah. I know. You finally, yeah. Who cancelled?

The guy who spat on Carl last night. He couldn't make it in. It was a shame. I knew something was up when I got the call at 10.29 this morning. I said, hey, can you come in and do the show? And you just happened to be out the front. Oh, yeah, okay. I've been waiting for this moment.

Just dropped my sandwich. And you were here earlier than me. Yeah, so yeah, we were all at the gig last night. It was a good night. Good night out. It was a cracking night at Spleen. Cracking night of comedy. What's going on, man?

What have you got to say for yourself? What do you mean? You had a good set last night. Well, yep, yep. I had a drama-filled night last night. This has been part of a drama-filled two days for me. Okay. Right.

I have a love life at the moment that is in the worst state it's ever been in. Oh, really? Oh, man. Cancel every other subject we were going to talk about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here we go. I love this as well because this is talking to two men with girlfriends that have been together for quite a long time.

So you're just going, oh, belt up. Let's do this. Yeah, there's more than one girl that you can have sex with? Oh. What kind of crazy parallel universe are you living in? Well, so there's a girl that I quite like at the moment that I've been dating a little bit but doesn't like me. Oh, okay.

She's been dating you and she doesn't like you? Yeah, yeah, but she's only just worked. Some sort of rape dating? When I say dating, I just turn up outside of her house. It's much like how I got the gig to talk on the show. I was just standing at the front being opportunistic. And so she's kind of stopped calling me and stuff. And then on the weekend, I was like, oh, you know what?

I've got to let this go. I'm going to arrange to meet this other girl. Good game. Who I've met with. I've never really met before, right? What's going on with your dating life? Do any of these girls know that they're going on dates with you? Well, once again, they're just people that I've seen out in the street.

Is this like an MTV dating show pilot that you're putting together? A surprise date with Tommy Little. So the hard and fast rule I've always had is never date a girl that you meet at a gig. A comedy gig? Yeah, sure, sure. Because it always goes horrible, right? Why is that? They just think you're going to be on all the time.

Oh, and I think they also have maybe a perception in their head after seeing you on stage that you're maybe famous or maybe rich. Right, right, right, right. And I find I'm often just a massive disappointment. Right, right. Like I pick them up and they're like, why are you driving that shit car? Where's the mic? Yeah.

Why is nobody clapping now? And so I was like, oh, I was kind of a bit upset about this girl. So I was like, I'm going to meet up with this other girl, right? And so she came and met me and Thornton, a friend of the show, the new boys, out at a pub on Sunday night. Now she turns up and, look, I don't want to be rude about it. Oh, here we go. But she was so drunk and so all over the shop.

Like, just, it was. That's not being rude. That's, that's, she's done that to herself. Yeah. Okay. Fair enough. Right. What time of night was this?

Oh, early. Early. Like maybe 8.39. Right. Wow. Very specific time. All over the shop. And I just look at Thornton and we're both like, oh, this is bad news bear. Got written all over the shop. And I just look at Thornton and we're both like,

oh, this is bad news bear. Got written all over it. Then at the same pub, the other girl who doesn't like me, her friends all rock up at the pub. And they come over and we're like, hi. And they also know that girl. And they go, oh, hey, sloppy mate. What are you doing here? And she goes, oh, hey, sloppy mate, what are you doing here?

And she goes, oh, I'm just having a drink with Tommy. They all look across and I'm like, oh, this is bad. Anyway, I ended up going. Do you know Drunky McGee? And then, so I abandon that, right? Then I get calls the next day. She's still out at like midday the next day. One of the calls, not a word of a lie, contains the word. She kind of lost her voice and it contained the exact sentence.

Oh, I'm fucked. I've had two Xannies and all me cough mixture. And I still can't sleep. Give us a call. It's baffling to me. And so I'm feeling bad enough about this situation. Then comes the gig last night and because I've got all this going on, I was like, oh, I'm going to tell them a story about just how bad

my love life is at the moment. And so I tell them a story for something that happened at Comedy Festival, which is the most ridiculous thing involving a girl ever. Yes. And it's safe to say in that story, I got screwed over pretty hard. Yes. Do you want to just give a bit of a flavor as to what the story is? Basically, I liked a girl and I'd hooked up with her once and then we're at a pub together

once again with all my friends and she screwed someone else in the toilets of the pub. And then so I tell this story. Mid-day. Mid-day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then tell this story. And then I walk out the back of Spleen and, you know, the stairs down into the kind of kitchen backstage.

Into the backstage, yeah. I'm talking to steel at the bottom of the stairs and there's just a silhouette of a girl at the top of the stairs. And she goes, hey. And I looked up and I couldn't really see because it was dark. And my first thoughts are, oh, my God, it's the girl from last night. Oh, right. Still on the zannies.

These zannies haven't kicked in. No cough, though. I've just nicked a bloody bottle of chondral. Let's get into it. And so I've started just planning places to run. And then I went, oh, I can't really see. And she said, it's blah, blah. And the girl it was was the girl from the story who I'd just told about on stage.

And, you know, it's safe to say some quite stern words were thrown, not by me, at me. And then like a dickhead again, I just went, oh, sorry. Oh, good, good, good. How have you been apart from that? Want a lozenge? Yeah. So that's three girls in three days that you've essentially made hate you.

Is that? Oh, yeah. Yeah. So who's on the plate for today? Once again, I'm just going to do my usual thing. I'm going to walk up and down Clarendon Street here. Fair enough. That cough mixture thing, just to go back to it, that's weird.

Do you know anyone else? Do you know people who get on the cough medicine recreationally to mess themselves up a bit? No. Because I had a friend who would do that. Really? This is like maybe only a couple of years ago. Yeah, yeah.

She would go to music festivals and go, oh, man, we just got messed up on a bottle of cough mixture. It's great, man. You just tip it into a bottle of Pepsi and, yeah, you get so munted off it. And I'm like going, you're an adult. You have a full-time job. Just buy some beers or a pill like a normal person. Has she been hanging out with Lil Wayne too much? Yeah, yeah

But it's also not cheap No, isn't it how much is... It's like 12 bucks for, you know, for a stubby's worth Yeah, mate, but that does you for all day Oh, does it? Yeah, that's your done Oh, so it is quite cheap Yeah, and I went round to her house and she showed me like a book of like

This is all the crazy stuff we write down when we're on the cough medicine I'm like, I think I'd like to go home now. Awesome. She's got a cough medicine book. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. She just hands you a piece of paper and all it says on it is, oh, soothes the throat and soothes the nose.

And this is fascinating stuff. I've got a dream diary, but whatever works for you. This is a weird thing to me. Tastes like medicine. you. This is a weird thing to me. Tastes like medicine. Well, actually, last couple of podcasts, keen listeners to the show will have noticed, I've had a cough for, I think, a month.

And so I went to the doctors a couple of days ago. I will say that you are getting better. Oh, really? No, no, no. Not the cough. At the podcast. At not coughing into the microphone. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's what I meant. At tilting my head. I'm a good the microphone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I meant. At tilting my head. I'm a good tilter. Yeah, yeah. So I sort of went, well, a month's worth of coughing will do me. I went to the doctor and I thought, oh, I'm going to get antibiotics. That'll do. Yeah, yeah.

A month will do. Yeah, yeah. That's the curfew. I've had my fill. Yeah. Everyone's had fun, but it's time to finish this thing up. So I went to the doctors and I thought I'd get some antibiotics or something. And he looked at my throat and went, oh, it's very red.

You know, you've got some sort of, you know, virus contained within you. Like, okay, cool. Where's the antibiotics or whatever? He went, oh, no, no. P.S. That's not the most specific thing for a doctor to say. You've got some virus in you. It's pretty red.

You've got some virus contained in you. I don't know. I didn't really listen. So he went, I thought I'd get prescribed something or whatever. You know what he prescribed me? You won't be able to say this, but you guys will. He prescribed me a Ventolin inhaler. Oh, wow.

Now, does that make any sense at all? You've got like a virus or something and you get- Well, it depends. If the virus contained in you is asthma, that makes a lot of sense. But I don't have asthma. So all it means now, I think, is... And I've been using it. I haven't been getting particularly better.

So all it does now is... How often are you shooting up with that bad boy? Three. Three times a day. Oh. So not as required, just... No, no. I think that's what's required.

Three times a day, isn't it? Well, that's what they tell you. Well, I have asthma. Oh, so not as required, just... No, no, I think that's what's required three times a day, isn't it? Well, I have asthma. Oh, really? But I only use that one that you've got when I need it. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. I have a different one that I have once a day, but then I just use that one. Okay, well, that's why I'm confused because it's not working.

It doesn't seem to be the right way to treat a cold or whatever. Did it? And all it does is make me seem like an absolute nerd now. I feel like the tables are going to be reversed with me and you, Dastla, where it's going to be you flashing my head down the door from now on. I'll be honest, because I was at your house on Saturday, and I saw your little inhaler sitting on the coffee table, and I thought, oh, Chandler's got asthma.

I never knew this. I thought, I don't know what I would do with this information, but I thought, I've got this up my sleeve. I can stitch him up sometime. If ever we're in a race, you can be like, old mate Wheezy Bum over here. But come on, you've got to have asthma. No, I don't have asthma. Really?

Yeah. What do you say? I've got to have asthma. Because you look like you should have. Yeah, exactly. I've got high blood pressure. Is that enough? Is that enough for you? Well, it's not a competition.. Because you look like you should have. Yeah, exactly. I've got high blood pressure. Is that enough? Is that enough for you?

Well, it's not a competition. It sounds like you're making it one. Yeah, so you, exactly. You look like you should have asthma more than me. You look like you should have asthma. But you know what, Chandler? That's why it doesn't look like he'd have one of those. That's why it looks like he's got the full pump.

Like an iron lung that his mum's cranking for him. One of those steam machines. Yeah, I do have a humid Like an iron lung that his mum's cranking for him. One of those steam machines. Yeah, I do have a humidifier in my room. I had one of those when I was a kid. Oh, really? I used to get on the vaporizer. Do you have one of them? I think they're the same thing.

Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You pour your little whatever mixture into it and it just steams up the room. If you don't mind, guys, I just have to... Do it. Oh. I want to Do it. Oh. I want to work out... Oh, yeah.

Sounding good. Is that what happens? Is that how you do it? You tell me. You don't have to look so nervous and shaky when you do it. I know. I'm so... I want to work out if this doctor has stitched you up, though.

Did he give you a script for that? Yes. Because that's over the counter. Oh, is it? Yeah. Right. I don't know anything about it. Just give me a look at that. Yes. Because that's over the counter. Oh, is it? Yeah. Right. I don't know anything about it. Just give me a look at that.

No. What? You're spitting it. That's a Pez dispenser. That's something. You've been fooled. The Donald Duck, he's a doctor. See, that's the dead giveaway normally.

That wasn't a doctor. That was a girl at checkout. Doctor Safeway? What? I love the idea that you've just walked out of the supermarket and you've gone, how can I change this into a story I can use? She said, I heard asthma, but what she was really saying was great savings. It was today's dollar deal.

It was the Safeway downstairs like five minutes before the show. I had nothing for this week. I'll invent an illness. Now, T Little, for people who don't know you particularly well, you're covered, well not covered, but you've got a lot of tattoos. You've got a lot of interesting tattoo stories. I've got three.

You've got three. Yeah. And they are all ridiculous. They're ridiculous. But none of them serve any practical purpose. They are all for a joke. Yes. Or the practical purpose of a are all for a joke. Yes. For the practical purpose of a joke. That's 100% correct. So what do we got?

What do we got? Well, I've got old hat, which a lot of people have. I've got a mustache on the inside of my hand. Old hat? Is that the name of that tattoo? No. No, I just meant like heaps of people have it. Oh, okay.

It's hack. I've got that. The tattoo can be hack. Rope. That's your rope tattoo. That's when I'm struggling at a gig. I've got that. The tattoo can be hack. Rope. That's your rope tattoo. That's my, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's when I'm struggling at a gig. I just pull that out. Then on the inside of my arm, I have, this was the first tattoo I got.

I got it over in America. It says, I'll regret this in Spanish. And then on my side, I have a love heart with a girl's name crossed out, and then another girl's name crossed out under it, and then another four names under it. And the names are Natalie, Laura, Bruce, Chloe, and the last one is that chick from Cuba, and they're all crossed out. Right. See, I haven't seen that one before.

I've heard tell of it. I've heard legend of it, but I've never seen it. There we go. How recent is that? That's pretty recent. Just February. Right, okay. A few months it. There we go. How recent is that? That's pretty recent. Just February. Right, okay. A few months ago.

Right. Yeah. And what led you to doing that? Oh, I needed some content for a web show. How's this? How's this? Just fake asthma, mate. That's what I do.

How's this, though? We filmed it. I filmed it with Thornton, and then speaking to the girl who was cutting it up, and she goes, oh, yeah, something went wrong with the sound. So we don't have sound for any of it. So not only was it a pathetic thing for some web content to put online, but it didn't work.

And it's not one of those things. Can you go back and do it again? No, I can't! Yeah, you should have done it henna, mate. That's the rookie mistake. It's a mate. It would be funny if you went and dubbed over it now and like put accents on or something. Yeah, yeah.

I should do that. Bajar style. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. I do the Bajar story. But it's amazing because, so I used that tattoo in my show. I just kind of showed it at the end of my festival show. And everybody thought it was fake.

Right. And I was like, I don't have, that's less effort getting a real one than getting a fake one drawn on every couple of shows. I'm like, I don't think you guys are overestimating how much I give a shit about this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, they're used to Chandler bullshitting about having asthma, so they're sort of thinking, I've been had before, I'm not falling for this again. But so you've gone out there and you've gotten I mean apart from the one

On your Your side You've got You've got yours In fairly prominent places Like you know I know people who go If you're going to get one

Just get it on your ankle And I sort of think If you're going to get one Just Just get one Just go the face You know Just like

Just have it out there Like If they get one Where there's somewhere That you don't want to see That's like them saying Like I want a

I want a picture of an eagle that I'm never going to see. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Damn. I got that joke wrong, didn't I? Yeah. What's the, how does the actual joke go? I have a joke. I have a joke that goes something like, because I do, this is actually a true story.

I have a friend that got a tattoo and this massive tattoo in the middle of his back. Right. And my joke is I think that's very weird because you're getting a picture of something on the one place in your body where you're never going to be able to see it yourself. It's like going into the tattooist and saying, I want to not see an eagle forever.

Carl Chandler, ladies and gentlemen. Give it up. Live stand-up in the studio to two people who have already heard it. Yes. And in my head, I kind of wasn't listening. I was going, where did I get the wording from? The asthma's fake, but the laughs are real. So Harley Breen, who, comic friend of the show,

who has some great tattoos, he told me about a brilliant one that I think we need to make happen. Okay. Last night he was telling me about it it and he started with, you know, I would do this if I had a show like Jackass or something, if I had a forum big enough basically. And I think we should try and somehow make this happen. His idea is he wants to take a photo of his hairdresser into the tattoo

parlour, shave the back of his head, get the hairdresser's face tattooed on the back of his head wait till the hair grows back then go to the barber get it shaved so while the guy's shaving his head his face is revealed that's amazing

that's amazing isn't it if you turn up on the day and you're like you're booked in you're already gone at the last minute you know they're soaping your hair and you think it's the same person

then you look in the mirror like oh it's a different guy. Oh, just remember I left a roast in the oven. I'm going to go. Where's Bill? Oh, Bill died. Oh, God. No, that's Bill.

Bill works next door in the fish and chip shop. What are you talking about? Oh, cool. Let's go and finish the haircut in there. Come on, get my head deep fried. Can I have a snapper? And would you mind cutting my hair? Can he fry off my hair?

Can you pull chunks of hair off with those tongs? Is that possible? So I've got a tattoo. You do? Have you seen my tattoo? I have seen your tattoo. You've got a soccer tattoo. Yeah, sort of.

Hey, hey. Well, I've got, this is the thing. I've got like a tattoo of a number 10 on my chest. And when I, my friend that had the back tattoo, I asked him about it and he said, come to my tattoo, it's the place I went to. Because his tattoo is really good. So I went, okay, you know, I've done graphic design all my life. I want it to be done right.

I want it to look good and whatever. So he went, this guy's really good. So I booked him with this specific guy, went in there. And because tattooists, I think, are a little bit snobby, because it's such a simple tattoo, it's like a number 10. Man. He went, he looked at the design and went, yeah, I'm actually a bit busy. I'll get the work experience back to do this one.

I've had exactly the same thing. And because we're also, me and you are in the same boat of, we're not at all tough looking. We don't really have any tattoos to see. They go, whatever. I've done the same thing. I picked out an artist online because I went in the shop and they said, go have a look at our artist, see who you like.

I went, had a look, picked out the dude I wanted, went in, was talking to that dude and booked in a time. And he goes, yeah, I think Susie can do that. You look over, Susie's like six years old. She's in the corner with some cranes. Yeah, he's gone, Sus, put down the mop for a second. Well, the guy looked like a total pro, the guy that I booked in with. I'm like, awesome, this guy's going to nail it.

He handballed me onto this guy who I'm not sure if he could sign his own name, let alone make a tattoo for me. Now, with a pen or a tattoo pen? I don't know, but he struggled., let alone make a tattoo for me. Now, with a pen or a tattoo pen? Well, I don't know. But he struggled. He looked like he was struggling. And I just got the fear because it's that thing where you've... I signed him with Edward Needlehands over there.

Yeah, yeah. And now you've jumped up with your craft scissors. Oh, with just stumps for hands. And I just, I got the fear because I'm like, oh, I've already committed to this thing and I didn't know how to get out of it. And this guy's got my design. It's a pretty simple design, but you can still mess it up.

So he went to the photocopier, however you do it, and inked it up and basically stamped it onto my chest to go, this is how it's going to look. I'm going to trace around this. But the thing is, he was that incompetent that he'd got like a one and a zero wrong. that incompetent that he'd got like a one and a zero wrong like the zero it like to have a look at it like you know it's a it's a sort of a thick yeah yeah yeah zero it's like a big capital thick zero he'd got it not um uh what do you call it symmetrical he got it unsymmetrical and he showed me and i'm like no and i actually had that moment of going, I panic attacked and sort of went, no, how can you mess up a zero? Like, that doesn't, can you see that that side of the zero is like this and the other one is completely different? Like, how can you mess this up?

You've traced it and you've got it wrong. How can you trace a zero and get it wrong? And just went nuts at him and he just panicked and he sort of panicked. And I went, mate, I'm a graphic designer. I know what the number zero looks like. You better not mess this this up i'm going to look at this for the next 80 years and he went did he just go you look at it for the next 80 years put a shirt on yeah yeah so then so then he went he sort of got scared and i watched other people get these complicated tattoos that went and gone.

And meanwhile, I'm like taking an hour and a half getting a zero, right? Did that take an hour and a half? He took ages to get it right. And he was sitting there going, oh, I better not mess this up. Man, that's a long time in the chair. So just for anyone listening, my tattoo I have on my side is easily kind of, what, six times bigger than yours, I would have been in the chair for an hour. Oh, really?

Yeah. For that? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Yeah, well, can you blame the guy? I mean, Chandler's given him such a winding up that he's, like, terrified of getting it real.

Yeah, well, that's just what it was. I reckon he just hated you at this point and was just going over. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Over with a needle. Yeah. My girlfriend has a tattoo of, like, a a heart, like on her back shoulder. So she's just not sure about filling your name in it? Yeah, that's what I do when she's asleep.

I bring out the sharp end. That's a lot. I like that. That's like you didn't even put your real name in it. Because she's in love with the showbiz version of you, not the real you. She's married to the myth. I heard a great tattoo story yesterday from a friend of mine who was telling me her boyfriend had a friend

who she would always hear about, and this guy's nickname was Bucket, and they'd always be like, oh, Bucket did this the other day, and she'd be like, that's the dumbest nickname ever. Why is he called Bucket? So this goes on for months. Finally she meets him and it's revealed to her the reason this guy has a nickname Bucket is that he has lost a bet and has had to get a KFC bucket tattooed on his face.

No way. A face tat of a KFC bucket. Well, it makes a lot more sense why you were like, why is his nickname Bucket if you hadn't met him? Because if you'd met him. Yeah, exactly. Obviously. I can't put these together.

But it's like. Why are they calling KFC Bucket? What kind of bet are you losing to get a bucket of chicken tattooed on your face? Is it like, I bet that you won't get a bucket of chicken tattooed on your face. Ah, well, I showed you, I win. Do you? You owe me five bucks. You owe me a bucket. You owe me a bucket.

You owe me some crispy strips. Look who's red-faced and embarrassed. Look who's bucket-faced. Wouldn't it be great, though? You just go to KFC. What do you want? Just point at the face. Hang on.

So how big is this? Have you seen this, Taylor? I haven't seen this. This is secondhand. This is from my friend. I don't believe it. Well, there's nothing I can do about it. I cannot help you.

So I did joke about one of my tattoos on stage, and a dude came up to me afterwards, and he goes, oh, sick tats, funny, funny, funny. I've got some tattoos. And I was like, oh, yeah, sweet. What have you got? And he goes, well, for me, best mate's 21st. I bought him a tattoo gun.

We got hell pissed that night and just went to town, eh? And then he showed me what he'd done. He'd written shopping list on the back of his hand, and these guys have never tattooed before, so this is like horrible little kid scrawlings. Shopping list on the back of his hand and then just lines under it. Then he'd lift up his shirt. He'd written suck me above one of his nipples and milk me above the other.

On the inside of my fingers where I have my mustache, he'd put tears on both of his because his girlfriend used to whinge a lot. And so when his girlfriend would whinge, he'd go, oh, wah, wah, wah. But there's two. That last one is actually pretty good. It's pretty good. And then he shows me his ass and he's got his mate's name Steve, because they go, oh, we'll tattoo each other's names on his ass.

And he goes, so his mate's name's Steve, and he's got that tattooed on his ass. Not that big, but then he gets out his phone and goes, stupid dickhead went first, though, so I went second. Have a look at this. His name was Matt, and he'd written Matt on this dude's ass, but started quite small, and just the final T in Matt was like half of this dude's leg. But the piece de resistance was he goes, yeah, but, you know, joke tattoos are all right, but I wanted to give myself a real,

a nice piece of art, you know, a nice piece of art. So he was sitting there, and he wanted to give himself those drama faces, the like laugh and cry later kind of masks. Yeah, happy drama faces. They're like, oh yeah, yeah. Cry later kind of masks. Yeah. Happy and sad mask. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. On his leg. And he'd been sitting there and he tattooed one of them, but after the kind of one, he needed a break and a bit of pain. And so I got up and he realized that he'd been doing the tattoo with his leg bent the whole time, stretching the skin. So as soon as he stood up, it looked completely different, but he goes, don't worry though, turn it into a ninja turtle.

Takes off his pants for me and he's just got Donatello just on his leg. I'm like, that is awesome. I didn't know that the stretched happy sad mask turns into a Donatello. It's like a tattoo folding. Now, was this Al Jaffe who was telling you this story? Wow. That is amazing. That's so good.

We've talked about tattoos for a good half hour now. I think that'll be close to doing it. How about something we did on the weekend? We went and did a little photo shoot. We did do a little photo shoot. Of just me and you, a little allsop. Now, I've seen the clothes on version of those photos. With friend of the show, Louisa Bailey.

Yes. Give her a shout out. Yeah, yeah. We went and did some photos. And we went and did photos in a little playground. Yes. You know, it's good because we're playing on the little toys and the little amusements or whatever you call them, little rides and whatever.

But, of course, I guess that stage when we're there a little bit too long and you start to realise that there are, you know, it's quite built in. There's a lot of neighbours and whatever. And you start to go, this doesn't look very good that there's, you know, two grown... There's one grown man. Well, one grown man. One grown man and his little chum playing around in the playground.

His little cousin. Yeah, yeah, yeah. His nephew. His nephew, maybe. But then it gets to the end of the shoot and we go back to Louise's place. Mm-hmm. And, and, well, what, what happened from there? Well, she, she had a friend meeting her to go and see a movie later that night.

Right. And the friend had got to her house while we were out doing the photos. So we get back to Louise's house. The friend's there waiting. We say a quick- Pretty woman style? I've not seen it. Wearing the tie, but nothing else.

Oh, okay. No. So we say hi to the friend, and then we leave. And then we're about 10 minutes down the road, and I get a text from Louisa saying, now, it should be pointed out, Louisa does a lot of wedding photography. She does a bit of comedy stuff. Oh, sorry. I thought that's what the text was saying.

I was like, is she just speaking about herself instead of her? Oh, no, just speaking herself up. By the way, guys, I do weddings. She does a lot of wedding photos. She does a lot of wedding photos. She does a bit of comedy, but she does sort of mostly weddings, right? Sure. So we leave, and I get a text from her saying, my friend just asked me if I'd been doing a gay engagement

shoot with you two. Because her friend's seen her with a camera and two men in the house and gone, well, why else would she be out taking photos on a Saturday? But is there such a thing as an engagement photo shoot? Do people do that to the starters? I think they do, yeah. Do they? I think amongst the gays.

Oh, right, right, right. Well, and then on top of that, we were dressed pretty shabbily for an engagement shoot. That's true. For an engagement shoot. T-shirts and hoodies. Yeah, yeah.

And it's like, wow, we were really letting the gay side down. Like, you know. Well, I mean, we can't legally get married anyway, so why bother dressing up for the engagement photos?

We must have got the worst dressed gay couple of all time. The worst dresseddressed gay couple of all time. The worst-dressed two lesbians of all time. But also, because of the thing that I am quite a bit older than you, Tommy, maybe it made sense to them that we were having this shoot at the playground. Maybe that's where we'd first met years before. Old cougar Chandler.

Yeah. Old cougar Chandler. Let's talk about this because that was just one part of kind of a weird weekend that I had. Here's the thing, right? I'm fine with, you know, we hang a lot of shit on the show. I get teased a bit mostly on the show. I'm fine with that. I've accepted that's my lot in life.

I don't care at all. But I had a weird weekend where I was out and I had a lot of shit hung on me in the real world, which like the comic part of me. By people you don't know? No, no, by people I know. Oh, yeah. But the comic part of me gets angry that there's not microphones around. And I'm like, I'm being made to feel like a dickhead and I'm not even getting content out of it, you know. Right. Like you with the tattoo and the sound not working.

Right. So, um, after we went and did the photos, uh, that night I was going to a 21st and before that I went out for dinner with my girlfriend, with her dad and her step-mom. Right. So we had the dinner, have a nice time as we're leaving. Uh, the step-mom, uh, goes, Oh, what are you doing now? And I went, Oh, we're going to a 21st. And then the step-mum goes, how old are you?

And I go, 24. And she goes, oh, pedophile. How's that? Your girlfriend's mum says that to you. Oh, step-mum. Yeah. Excuse me being a pedophile for being a 24-year-old man going to a 21st. Yeah.

There wasn't anything else going on in the room at the time? You didn't have all your photos from the playground? Yeah, that's it. That's't anything else going on in the room at the time? You didn't have all your photos from the playground? Yeah, that's it. That's it. I'll show you the pedophile. Look at this guy who I'm on the swings with. Yeah, yeah.

And pedophile is such a bitey, harsh, like it's not even a fun word. I feel like it gets bandied around a bit too liberally these days. It definitely does. Yeah. Here's the thing, right? Even if I was at a 21st as a 67-year-old man and I was just digiting the birthday girl in the corner, still wouldn't be a pedophile, you know? Dodgy old man, yes. Pedophile, no.

You should have said exactly that to your stepmom. To my stepmom. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. That'd be good. You wait. I'm going to show you in about 40 years. I'm going to show you exactly how this thing works. Yeah, yeah. So'd be good. You wait. I'm going to show you in about 40 years. I'm going to show you exactly how this thing works.

Yeah, yeah. So that was a bit weird. Hey, I wanted to talk about, Carl, your drama, your foray into the acting world. Yeah, what a foray. Because, you know, I'm in exactly the same boat as you in that my audition form sucks, right? I suck at acting, basically.

I studied drama, but I feel like it was one of those things my parents always just encouraged me to do because they wanted to be those supportive parents. You guys are in the boat and I'm just flailing around in the ocean going. But you've done, I'd say you've done more acting work than both of us combined. Yeah. Haven't you?

I'm acting right now. I'm pretending to enjoy myself. I've been doing a pretty good job of it. Well, you've got to, you know, you're playing a character. You're really Tommy Allsop. Every time I'm in front of you, I'm playing a part. Yeah, yeah. Tommy Pedophile Allsop.

Anyway, sorry. Because this is not your real voice. This is obviously a character that you're putting on. Yeah, this is a little squeaky voice. This is Nancy Cartwright doing my voice right now. This is the angry lesbian. I'm one of Matt Tilley's characters. Oh, no.

Oh, speaking of, we're doing radio. Give us a call. What do you reckon? 13, 24, 10. What does your missus do that pisses you off? Who's Daslo a man or a woman? Give us a call. So, so, so, acting, acting, acting.

I am so bad when it comes to auditions. I did a stint of auditions a couple of years ago now with a casting agency, and they really liked me. And so one of the ladies there said to me, she goes, after I'd done a few and unsuccessful. I got to the final three of Jason, by the way. Oh. You know, RACV.

Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or was it RACV? You know who I'm talking about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Call Jason. Yeah, call send her in the motorbike. Yeah, yeah.

And if that's still my biggest claim to fame when I die, things have gone horribly wrong. You should get a tat of that. Final three, Jason. I got Jason just because I was confident going into the final three. Now I really regret it. I got the final three of the sorbent toilet paper kid. It was last year, anyway. Did you really?

No. Oh, damn. I believe that. See, it's good acting. They said to me. I'm putting that on my show reel now, that exchange we just had. They go, we're going to get you something. We've got a few commercials coming up.

We're going to get you one of them. And I said, awesome, great, right? Looking forward to it. I came in and I did these auditions and I just sucked. The final one, all I had to do was take a bite out of a drumstick, right? And then look like I was satisfied. I went through seven drumsticks in the final stage of the casting. Awesome.

This is a good story so far. And they usually go, thanks for coming in. That was great. We'll be in touch. They just went, oh, how's the comedy stuff going? We hope it's good because you'll be there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And just went, oh, good.

And I think it's one of those things where if your main, your first instinct is to apologize after you've finished the audition, don't bother waiting on the score. Well, that's what I did last week, this audition that I did. It's now become like a chore thing where it's just like putting the bins out, where there's no emotional vested interest in it at all. I just go along to the thing and say the lines. Generally, don't say the lines in the right order.

And then go, thanks for that. See you. And don't even, I'm already thinking of what I'm doing next half way through the audition. I'm like, there is no way that this person is even going to say thank you at the end of this. Yeah. If I get an audition, I look at it and instead of going, how am I going to get this part? I go, how am I really not going to be the worst?

How am I going to not suck? Yeah. Yeah. As soon as you get the script, well, clearly I'm wrong for this. It's a hard thing, the audition process as well, because all I'm thinking about is what's my next line. Yeah. And also the thing with stand-up is you address everything that's happening in the room.

Yeah. Like if someone makes a loud noise at the front of the crowd, you address that. Yeah. And so then in the audition process, because it's so weird, because you're reading against someone who's reading off the page, I can't even get my head around that. I'm like, well, this is – stop reading off a page and look at me. It's the opposite of how you would end up doing it. It's such a weird, sterile environment.

Well, last week I had a thing where I was supposed to be talking to two characters at once, which nearly blew my mind. And the same lady was doing the two parts, but she had two seats set up. Were you auditioning for the Muppet movie or something? No. There was two seats. Why? Is that going? How'd you get that?

There was two seats. So she was like, okay, so I'm person A or whatever, but then there's person B. So address us both, like me and the empty seat. And I'm like, yeah, cool. And then I just said everything to her. She's like, yeah, so just a reminder, there's two people. You've got to talk to the other seat.

And I'm like, yeah, cool. And then just talk to her the whole time again. I'm like, I'm not even going to pretend that I'm going to do that. I don't even know my lines. You just lean into her. There's not two people. Are you okay? Call your agent afterwards. You need me to call an ambulance.

That casting lady is mental. She's gotten on a bit of the zaddies before she's come. I'm all out of me confirmation. Yeah, she's seen well, though, so that was good. This will tie into another thing that happened to me over the weekend because this is what we're talking about, the auditions and the, you know, the doing gigs, you know, to an outsider, to someone who doesn't do this stuff, I guess it can seem a bit of a weird pursuit.

You know, it can seem like a bit of a weird way to... You know what I find amazing about it is that this comes back to that thing of, you know, not going out with girls that I meet at gigs. Yeah. Is it sounds, just to listen to the word I went to on audition, you go, ooh, glamorous. It's not.

It's us effectively getting fired from a job that we didn't even get paid for. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah. Sorry, Daz. It's a strange thing, though, where like, because, you know, I guess I'm sure you guys would get asked this. One of the big things people love asking you when you do comedies, particularly sure you guys would get asked this one of the big things people love asking you when you do comedies uh particularly when you're just starting out is

oh what do your parents think of that what do they think about you what do they think about you getting into it and and you know mine have always been fine but i've got this one friend who kind of picks up the mantle of the parents who don't who don't get it who don't get what you want to do like he's a guy who uh you know, finished school, went straight into uni, got a degree, has a, you know, a desk job now, will live at home until he gets married, you know, has that very kind of traditional kind of, you know, and one of those guys who can't see beyond that. Like, that's just how you live your life.

That's what you're meant to do. And so he kind of has a bit of a hard time with me cause he'll, he can't quite work out. Like he'll get like one time he went to me, so what are you doing for work now? And I went, Oh, I'm writing on this TV show. So I'm in this office like five days a week till, you know, five o'clock doing that. He's like, yeah, but what are you doing for money? I'm like that. No, no, no. But how are you supporting yourself? That, that job that I just told you about, like, can't get his head around it. So anyway, went out for dinner with a group of guys on Sunday night,

and he was there, and I hadn't seen him for a while, and I kind of forgot because I sort of, he sort of just likes taking all these little digs at me, and I have to kind of watch myself because, you know, comics we all hang out and we hang shit on each other, but then I kind of always have to, I'm that sort of guy who, if I'm getting poked too much, my natural instinct is to go back way too hard. And then you're that guy that's like, settle down, dude.

So he turns up to dinner and straight off the, like, I just ended up like just being sat next to him because I turned up and then he turned up. He sits down. I'm like, oh Christ. So he's first of all, he's like, what's going on with your hair? Why don't you comb your hair back? Why don't you shave a bit more? Why aren't you wearing a nicer shirt?

Just getting into me about everything. I'm like, oh, it's tedious. What's this guy's problem? Were you wearing a bow tie at the time? No. Yeah. I don't like this guy. Yeah.

Yeah. He's, he's, he's just, you know, he's just, so I just sit there and I'm like, don. I don't like this guy. Yeah, yeah. He's just, you know, he's just, so I just sit there and I'm like, don't engage, just, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So then it goes on. And he's telling us about this mate of ours who a few years ago were at his 21st and he's obsessed with the idea that this guy's mum was trying to root him at the party. And we're like, oh, she was not. And he's like, nah, man, she was coming up to me and she was, like,

squeezing me on the arm, like, every time she spoke to me. And, like, nah, man, she was coming up to me and she was like squeezing me on the arm like every time she spoke to me. And like I challenge you, if you have a woman like that squeezing your arm every time she talks to you, I challenge you not to think that she's trying to have sex with you. And so I just go, well, man, to be honest, when we were at your 21st, your mum kept grabbing me on the cock. And that like, I'm not arrogant enough. I'm not arrogant enough to think just because she came up to me every time she talked to me and grabbed me on, I'm not arrogant enough to think that she wanted to go and have sex with me in your room. I mean, she whispered it in my ear, but I'm not arrogant enough. A few dozen handjobs are only going to convince me so much.

Exactly. But then I start getting kind of looks from people at the table, and I think, oh, I'm doing it. I'm crossing the line. So I back off again. And then anyway, this just keeps going on, and he keeps going on doing it. I'm crossing the line. So I back off again. And then anyway, this just keeps going on and he keeps sort of, keeps going on about it. And then at the end of the night, I've kind of gotten through it and he gets up to leave just before everyone else.

We've paid the bill. He gets up. He's like, oh, I've got to run. See you guys later. Says his goodbyes to everyone at the table. And then as he's walking out the door, turns to me and goes, oh, anyway, Tommy, I'll see you in the line at Centrelink. And goes to walk out the door and everyone just goes, oh.

And I've just gone, Johnny, if you're seeing me in the line at Centrelink, that means you're there as well, fuckhead. And everyone just goes, yeah. See, yeah. So I got my victory. I got my line in. Yeah, you're both losers. Well done.

Yeah, yeah. If I go down, I'm taking you with me. You would have done better than me in that situation because I would have just got angry but then said something that didn't make sense. Like, yeah, well, I'll see you in line at the fuckwit shop. Yeah. But here's the thing. Are you buying or are you working there?

I build them. Another thing that's annoying about him is that he'll – I'm just browsing, so I win. I make the beaks. Well, what you were talking about before about, you know, success, it seems like success is not really, you know, about these auditions and people go, oh, yeah, yeah, that's great. You're like, no, it's not that great, really. It's like, you know, sometimes like if you pop up in the paper, if you pop up in the

newspaper or something and someone from my hometown hometown will ring me or email me or whatever and go, oh, I saw that picture of you on page 45 of the Pakenham Gazette, the free paper. Congratulations on all your success. I'm not getting paid for that. That's an ad I paid to have in there. The people in the odd spot, they're not getting paid for that. It's just a tiny picture that no one's going to see. That's not ad I paid to have in there. You know the people in the odd spot? They're not getting paid for that. It's just a tiny picture that no one's going to see. That's not success. Yeah, you're exactly right.

Because I get, you know, the only time I get my picture in the paper ever is in a crappy bit of the gossip thing. Like if I've been at a charity or something and I'm with someone, I've managed to squeeze in a photo with someone high profile. Yeah. Right? And same thing. People go, oh, great to see you're doing really. And I'm with someone. I've managed to squeeze in a photo with someone high profile. Yep. Right? And same thing. People go, oh, great to see you doing really well. I'm like, what? That's not, that's.

Yep. You're hanging out with people who are doing well. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Great for being that one in the photo who people go, oh, who's that? Congratulations on knowing someone with a job. Well done. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And having proof of it.

Well, guys, that actually does bring us to the end of the program for another week. Thanks so much to Tommy Little for joining us in the studio. Thanks for having us on. Sorry to the person who pulled out just before, but thank you to that person for allowing me the time to come on to the show. I guess I'll see you guys again. We'll get Daryl Summers in another week. I'll see you again when you've got a minute.

What have you got coming up? Have you got anything to plug? I'm at the Comic Lounge this week. Oh, yeah. With Justin Hamilton. Yep, friend of the show. Friend of the show. And then I'm up at the Sydney Comedy Store for the next two weeks after that.

Great. So go check out T Little. Yeah, thanks again for being in the studio with us. Thanks, you guys, for listening. If you're enjoying it, hop on iTunes and leave us one of those famous reviews that we love so much. We'll see you next time in the Little Dumb Dumb Club. See you, mate. See you, mate.