The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 49 - Alan Brough

Episode Date: September 6, 2011

Surprise Parties, Public Toilet Triads and Walt Disney Getting Thrashed. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey, mates, welcome into the Little Dumb Dumb Club. My name is Tommy Dasolo. Sitting opposite me, my co-host, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. And what have you got going on in your life at the moment, Carl? What's happening? I've actually, what was it, a day ago, it was my girlfriend's birthday. Ah, clang.

Yeah, so I don't want to brag too much, but my girlfriend was born at some stage and has had an anniversary of that. So what I did was I organized a surprise birthday party. And by surprise, I mean it was even a surprise to me. I think I did it with about two days' notice. Oh, good. And I booked a restaurant about a day to go. And I went through her Facebook friends and found a bunch of her friends and invited them all and whatever. So what sort of happened was we turned up at the restaurant and she didn't know anything

about it and it was sort of going to be a bit of a ta-da moment where I bring her into the restaurant and there's this big table of friends and she didn't know and it looked like I was unplanned but I was actually really planned. Here's all of her friends. It's like this is your life or something. We walked in. There was two people sitting at a 14-person table. Oh, no.

And 12 of them had pulled out in the time between. I hadn't checked my Facebook and email and my phone and whatever. So just instead of it being really great, it looked like either I was the worst organizer in the world or she has no friends. Oh, God. That is something that you see in a movie or a TV show and just the tragedy of it you think, but that would never happen.

Yep. Oh, so did you? And then she was like facing away from the door and I was facing her. So every two seconds I'd be looking over her shoulder going, oh, is that one of her friends? And then she'd turn around and be like, oh, no, that's the waiter. Oh, okay. You should have just tried to pass it off like it wasn't a surprise party and that it

was just a coincidence that those two friends of hers were there. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. That would have been your saver. Yeah. So you were saying the option was either she's got no friends or you're a bad organizer. Did you wear the blame? Did you go, oh, I messed up.

I didn't give people enough notice. I didn't. Yeah, I had to. No, as if I'm going to give her the blame and go, what's wrong, Nellie No-Mates? What have you done with your life that's going to end with this? God, I organise a nice dinner. The least you can do is have some people that like you. That's happened for the last 30 years.

I've held up my end of the bargain. He really blew this. Wow. See, that is why I would never want, have you had a surprise party thrown for you? No. I would never want one thrown for me for that reason. Yeah. For that very reason.

Have you, is this the first time you've planned a surprise party? Yes. And I would dare say the last. Well, let's put inverted commas around planned, but yeah. Yeah. I'd hate to have a party thrown for me because I would definitely, I'm a glass half empty person, I think, and I'd be looking at each one of those 12 empty chairs going, you arseholes.

I don't know who you are, but you're an arsehole. But what were their reasons? What were their reasons that came up? Oh, they had work. They were sick. I mean, I've met your girlfriend. She's lovely. Yeah, I know.

People would want to bail on her. Well, I guess they were real reasons, you know. I can only assume. I mean, it doesn't help that I've given not very much notice. Twelve coincidences in one night. Yeah. I mean, something's going on. Maybe you're looking at it.

Well, there wasn't all twelve in one night. There was probably, I think, like six or eight. And then the other four had bailed like the day before or just couldn't go. Yeah, yeah. Whatever it was. I don't know. Maybe you're looking at your girlfriend with rose-colored glasses. I mean, maybe she smells.

That could be it. And you just, because you live with her now, you've just become accustomed to the smell. Well, I feel a bit like a loser because I'm one of the only people that have stuck by her. I'm like, I think I'm doing something wrong. What can't I see that everyone else sees? Yeah, sure. Exactly.

Oh, man, that's horrendous. Yeah, I... I should have dumped her for a birthday. I should have gone with the winners, gone with the winning crowd. Everyone else is just bowling. This is the best surprise party ever. The big surprise is that she didn't turn up. Yay!

I find parties for me to be very uncomfortable. Do you know what I mean? I don't enjoy it. I kind of don't enjoy it. Parties for you or parties for me to be very uncomfortable. Do you know what I mean? I don't enjoy it. I kind of don't enjoy it. Parties for you or parties for? Parties for me. When I've had, you know, like, own birthday parties, I just find it very uncomfortable.

Especially when you've planned it yourself, it feels like you're going, look at me, everyone. How good am I? Yeah, yeah. I just find it very, I don't know. Center of attention. Yeah, I know. I know what you mean because, I mean,

you can do comedy and be on stage and it's all blah, blah, blah. But in terms of party, it's like all you can do is sort of be looked at and be congratulated. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're like, oh, thanks. Yeah. Yep. Like, I've had dinners a couple of times for my birthday the last couple of years. And my friends have done that thing where they get the waiters to bring out a cake.

And I hate that. Because it feels like, even though you haven't organized it, it feels like you're sitting there going, yes, everyone, sing to me. Sing, bring me my little cake and watch me eat it. I just get so uncomfortable. I can't enjoy it. Well, of course it is. It couldn't be any worse. It would be harder to get something else to embarrass you more

than a bunch of people singing at you and pushing food at you. I think I need to be more like your girlfriend and just inspire less people to be friends with me. I need to be a shit person. Yeah, yeah, just save yourself some embarrassment and be hated by everyone. That's my tip. So, folks, our guest today in the Little Dumb Dumb Club, you will know him as one of the team captains on Spicks and Specks.

Please welcome into the Little Dumb Dumb Club, Alan Brough. Yay! Thank you, Tommy. Thank you, Carl. You've got your own little surprise party right here. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. You didn't even know this was happening.

No. You thought you were a... This many turned up to my girlfriend's party right here. Yeah, exactly. You didn't even know this was happening. You thought you were... This many turned up to my girlfriend's party as well. Well, see, given it's not my birthday, I just think this is wonderful. What more of a surprise party can you have when it's not your birthday? I'm surprised there's anything.

Yeah. So every moment of this, for me me is just pewter. It's solid pewter. So, Alan, have you ever been on either end of a surprise party? Yes, yes. On my 21st, my girlfriend took me out to dinner, and unbeknownst to me, my friends were gathering at my house to surprise me when we returned from dinner.

Unfortunately, at dinner, we had a huge fight. Oh, no. Yes. And split up. So she drove off in the car, and I walked back home to my house, which we were quite a long way away from my house. And when I got home, I was furious and didn't have a girlfriend anymore. And so what had happened is that they had – everyone had gone into the lounge and closed the door

because it was the only room in the house that had a reliably closing door. Yep. So everyone was in there. And so when I came home, the idea was they wouldn't have to prepare. They just, I'd open the door and they'd just go, ah, there you are, surprise. So the thing is that the hall at the end of which was my bedroom just went straight past the lounge.

I just walked right past the lounge into my bedroom and went to bed furious, unbeknownst to me. And this is hours after I meant to have arrived home. Everyone in the lounge room, it's like Lord of the Flies with cask wine. They're blind. They are absolutely blind. And there's all this. Are they still there?

Most of them are still there. And you can't hear them over the sound of your own tears. Oh, I know. The cascade, the Victoria Falls that was my emotional state. And so they've been drinking cask wine for, let's say, let's say conservatively three and a half hours and eating snack foods. But really quietly? Oh, no, no, no.

For the first, the thing is that they were, I don't know how I didn't hear them because basically they'd forgotten about me. Right. I woke up in the morning and the only way that I knew there was, had been a surprise party planned is that I went into the lounge room and there's four people unconscious in the lounge, fully clothed. And I went, what are you doing?

And they went, oh, oh, come to. And the whole thing is just, you know, it's covered in casks and empty bowls and chip packets and stuff like that. And I said, what are you doing? And they said, we were here for your birthday. I said, that was yesterday, which I thought added insult to injury. Right guys had turned up a day late and they went, we've been here since you went out for dinner. Can I just ask, just to backtrack in the story, was your girlfriend at the time in on the

surprise? Yes, she organized it. So hang on, she's organized it. It makes it even funnier because she knows about it. And then she's just driving off on you and not even following through with the surprise. Man, we had a big blue. And it is, it's totally, it was, I can't remember the details of it, the particulars of what we were fighting about. But I have this strange syndrome where I become inappropriately surly or downhearted at days of celebration. Right.

So, for instance, on birthdays, my girlfriend and I will go, well, we don't anymore. We don't do anything for any celebratory day. Because she's learned. Because she's learned. I mean, other people's are fine. I'm totally into it. I'm like making things and, know cutting out potato stars and printing them on bits of paper and

making you know wrapping paper and stuff like drinking cast wine in people's houses for hours i'm a crazy man i can't be stopped drinking potato wine in people's houses it's just um so but what will happen is what used to happen is she would say well it's your birthday let's go out for dinner we'd go out of the house and i'd'd go, oh, I don't know what I want. Well, we'll go here. We'd get there. Is there anything here? No, I don't like anything on this menu.

And one day, she just went to me, oh, fuck you. We're never doing this again. And I went, yeah, OK, that's fair enough. That's what I expect. It's something I've never been able to solve as to why I do it. Well, now I'm starting to get a clearer picture of why your girlfriend broke up with you. Well, exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She went on to quite quickly after that have four children. We're still in touch. Right, okay. And she's a wonderful person. But I strongly suspect that any argument was started by my baseless surliness and glass. Well, it's not even glass half empty. The glass isn't there anymore because kids broke into the house and stole the glass, ground it up and feed it to a kitten. Well, someone smashed the glass after they drank the cask wine out of it and woke up lying on it.

I guess it could have been worse in the end. Like your girlfriend at the time could have come to the surprise party and conceived those four children at the party while you were crying in your bedroom. That would have made it much worse. Yeah, that's true. Conceiving four children at one party. Yeah. Man, that'd be on some sort of, that'd be on the cover of a magazine, surely.

That's a mad game of twister right there. Take that, Octomum. Just fueled by the pure spite after the argument she's had with you at dinner. I hate you so much, I have extra wombs now. That public fighting fascinates me, though. I've been out and seen people fighting in public, and even when I've fought with my girlfriend in public, it's that very, oh, you know it's happening to you,

but you can't stop it from happening, and you've seen what it looks like, but, oh, yeah, it's one of the, like I've seen people get broken up with in public at restaurants and stuff. Oh, no. Yeah, yeah. Have I talked about this before? No. Once I went to a Chinese restaurant with my girlfriend and we sat like within a foot of another table. And all that happened was this guy degraded his girlfriend for half an hour.

And she didn't even speak for half an hour because she was crying the whole time. And he just went, right, and this is why you're dragging me down and this is why you've ruined my life and you're holding me back and my career is not going anywhere my personal life's not going anywhere because of you because of all the things that are wrong with you that's it i'm out of here i'm going and then he just gets up and walks off as the waiter brings in the meals and just puts them there and she's just sitting there crying and the waiter's like, here's your soup. So she's had to pay for the rest of it. To any new people that walk into the restaurant,

she just looks like some lonely, crying fat girl with two meals in front of her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's horrendous. I have a recurring thing. I think when you see people arguing at a distance in a restaurant, the minute you hear cutlery getting slammed down on a plate, that's when you know shit's gotten real.

You know that distinctive sound of someone chucking their knife down in anger. You go, that's it. They're not getting over this one anytime soon. Yeah, they don't want to be holding on to that knife during the next part of the conversation because they're worried that – I remember being at the tram stop one time and there were two people dressed in tracksuits and that's all I'll say about the way they look. And they were clearly fighting with each other.

The body language was such that they were fighting with each other. And I was walking towards them, and I thought, oh, I wonder what. And all I got was, I'll get you, bloody money, Nicole, if you just shut up. And that was the end. Nicole stormed off. And I just remember thinking, well done, Nicole. You're better off without him. He's holding you back.

Could have done it in a Chinese restaurant, though. That would have given it a bit more class. So, Alan, we mentioned in the intro, people will know you from Specs and Specs, your role on that wildly popular show now. We get weird feedback sometimes through doing this podcast, People will know you from Spicks and Specks, your role on that wildly popular show now. We get weird feedback sometimes through doing this podcast, and I imagine the show Spicks and Specks would lend itself to some interesting kind of viewer feedback. Is that fair?

I imagine it does. No, look, I have to tell you, I don't have – I have very thin skin. Right, okay. So I don't – and I think that the internet particularly has allowed people to instantly make available what they used to just think and then go, oh, man, I'm glad I didn't say that to anybody. Yeah, yeah. So I try to avoid anything written about the show

by professional journalists or by total nutbags. Right. Sometimes one and the same, to be fair. Yeah, yeah. So I can't really help you with it. Well, surely people that come to the show or you meet people on the street and things like that. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Can I just say what I was looking for when I brought that up was a story. I thought we were going to get a great story of some old nana in the street coming up and going, I love you, Alan, bro. Oh, I've been knitting a little Alan, bro, maybe. Oh, no, I haven't met anything like that. I don't really get approached that often. I think because everyone imagines that I'll be a lot shorter than I am. Yeah, you are pretty tall.

Yeah, yeah. So they go, that guy, he must look like that guy. He ate Alan Bro. There's that giant inflatable Alan Bro that will eventually be used at used car yards when the guy can't get another job. What sort of car customers would that bring in? Well, I don't know,

but you know, with the arms, you know, those things with the arms flapping that they blow wind up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'll be sort of like there, you know. Oh, I like Specs and Specs and I need a new Corolla so I might just pop in there. Yeah, exactly. Alan, is the radio in this good? Oh, it is! A guy came up to me one time and he said,

Oh, Spicks and Specks! Which is how, no, actually he didn't really. That sounds like Dave O'Neill. This is when he was on the show. One of the 75 times? I think he has got the record. It was Hamish before him, but I think Dave O'Neill has surpassed Hamish in how many times he's been on.

That's what happens when you sleep overnight at the ABC studios. It's a big, long episode. Exactly. Can I say that I did a little bit of writing on Specs and Specs at one point, and Dave came in, and this was at the point where Hamish was still ahead of him, and Dave was very unhappy about it. So I'm glad that he finally took the – I guess he probably just slept

overnight in between doing stuff for Adam Hills in Gordon Street tonight. And also Hamish leaving the country made it quite difficult for him to be involved. And obviously when you sign up exclusive to another network, then they're just going to go, man, you're not going on that show. Sure, yeah. But a guy came up to me, he goes, oh, Spicks and Specks, Man, you're not going on that show But a guy came up to me and goes

Oh, Spicks and Specks Which is what people yell out When they want you to know that they know The name of the show They have nothing to say, nothing to ask And they don't know your name And this guy came up to me and said Oh mate, I've watched every episode of the show

At least once And I said There was one episode I watched at least once they replay it all the time right on ABC2 and on ABC

in fact some guy once said to me oh I've never watched it on Wednesday I watch it at 5am on Monday mornings and I said

what are you do you tape it and then watch it then are you mad he said no no they replay it at 5am and I go to work early

so that's what I watch before I go to work. Do you use it as your aerobics Oz style? I hadn't even thought of that. 5 a.m. Monday morning, Specs and Specs is the perfect thing to watch coming down off a crystal meth bench that's lasted all weekend. Thanks.

And this guy says, I've watched every episode of Specs and Specs at least once. It's my favorite show. I never miss it. Adam, I think you are amazing. Oh, yes. And it's really interesting because we're really lucky because we've had a dream run.

It's seven years in. There's still a million people a week watching the show. It's amazing. I don't know what it is. It must be some sort of subliminal message because, really, we're all shot of it, but people are still watching it. We have really lovely people come up to us and the people who come along to the studio audience. But people watch television in unexpected ways, like they take in unexpected things and ignore details like what our names are that you would imagine are quite important. But what doing the show has taught me is that, and comedy also taught me a little bit of this, people aren't laughing at what you think they're laughing at. Yes, yes. You can write a really bit of this. People aren't laughing at what you think they're laughing at. Yes, yes.

You can write a really beautifully constructed joke. You deliver it. The whole audience loves it. No one practically is laughing at that joke for the reason that you laugh at it, which is a glorious thing. But it also makes you – it's good to remember how disposable television is and radio as well to an extent because people just aren't taking in the information that you think they are.

I mean, I know people – a guy came up to me on the tram and said, oh, g'day, mate, I don't even like music and I really like your show. And I had to say to him, why? And he said, couldn't tell you, mate. Bright colours. Well, this is the thing. Kids love it. And I've said to my friends whose kids love it, what do they you, mate. Bright colors. Well, this is the thing. Kids love it. And I've said to my friends whose kids love it, what do they like about it?

No idea. And you just have to go, okay, that's great. The whole thing in an industry, and it's very much an industry, in an industry which is so focus grouped, so cue score driven, so ratings driven. Yep. At the end of the day, it appears to be incredibly random still. Sure. Which I like. I will say this. I get that a bit because I'm someone who,

if I like something or don't like something, I can't get into conversations about why a movie worked for me or why it didn't work for me or why I like one band but not another. I just like what I like and I just don't think about it. Do you know what I mean? I never analyse. We put a lot of work into this show and we think we've got some good funny stories and jokes and whatever.

The majority of guys that listen to this show are just listening because they think Tommy's a girl and he has a sexy voice. There you go. Well, you know, and I say well done to everyone for that. Yeah. Little kids like this show too because they think I'm their mother. Feeding time. And you have exposed the essential artifice of all media.

And, you know, the internet plays into this as well. You know, there are 58-year-old men who weigh 510 kilos who are size 8 Asian girls on the pool. And you just go, but isn't that what life's like? Yeah, sure. It's just on the internet and on radio, it's just writ large. When they meet you, they'll go, he can't be a lady. Or if he is, I would suggest waxing. But on the radio, they just go, he could be a lady.

I'm going with that. It's the deception. So you've finished recording Spcs and Specs now? It's all done? We did the finale show. We did an hour-long finale a few months ago. So it's been going for a few months. You haven't done any apps for a few months.

We only ever recorded for the first four or five months of the year anyway. And at the ABC, the more successful you are, the less time you have to do it. It's sort of like an obstacle course. Right. But they go, oh, so you think you're good, eh? Well, let's see you go through this smaller hoop that's on fire and all around it are dogs with piranhas attached to their mouths. And you go, all right, the dogs thing was a bit weird, but let's go for it.

All right, now go through Richard Moorcroft's mouth. I love that Richard Moorcroft. I didn't know anything about him until Letters and Numbers. I don't know. He's hot. I don't know anything about him. And so, yeah, so we filmed an hour-long episode a few months ago. So it's done.

So it's the last thing that will ever be done filmed of Specs and Specs. Can you confirm that the four guests for the finale episode are all Dave O'Neill? No, but no, no. CGI Nutty Professor style. We have, we have. God, that would be amazing if it was Dave O'Neill playing all sorts of different guests. Dave O'Neill as Denise Scott. And him going, these each count as a different appearance, guys.

Suck it, Hamish. You're almost right. Basically, there's Denise Scott, Michelle Laurie, and I can't remember who the other one was, and Dave is playing. Oh, no, and Dave O'Neill. So it's Michelle, Denise, Dave O'Neill, and Richard Gill. Dave O'Neill is playing Denise, Michelle, and Richard Gill,

and Martin Lawrence is playing Dave O'Neill. Ah, finally. Big O'Neill is playing Denise, Michelle and Richard Gill, and Martin Lawrence is playing Dave O'Neill. Ah, finally. Big O'Neill's house. Big O'Neill's house. Martin Lawrence happy to be out of Big Mama's house. Exactly. So, yeah, that's where we're done. We're done.

It's on the 23rd of November or something like that, the final episode, and then that's it. So are you missing it already? Are you going and buying tons of fantails and bottles of beer for the trivia questions and tampons and stuff like that just to quiz yourself now? No, no, I'm not actually, though I think that would be a great idea. What I'm going to go into,

there's just like a convenience store thing that's just opened around the corner from me. So I'm going to go in and I'm going to go and buy some beer, some fantails and some tampons, and I'm going to say, yep, all in the same bag, please. It's for a game. I'm going home to amuse myself for a few hours. I'm going home to give myself a good quizzing.

No, so I haven't missed it. I wasn't that sad simply because it went it exceeded the phrase exceeded everyone's wildest expectations. It's apposite when it comes to Specs and Specs because it was a music trivia show with

three people on it that well, a few people knew Adam and people knew Miff from Triple J, and people didn't really know me. So it was completely untried. I'd seen you at the front of a Subaru dealership before. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I had less cachet then. Your arms weren't as wavy back then.

No one was really asking for advice. It was just more kids were sort of urinating behind me. And it's gone for 277 episodes or something like that. For seven. So I'm not disappointed because it's great and it's allowed me to do a lot of other things. And I think I'll miss it at the beginning of next year when we would normally be filming. But we'll be on tour because we're doing a live tour.

That's what I was about to tell you. You got the great thing of getting to do the victory lap around the country. Yeah, yeah. And Dave O'Neill and his car chasing you all the way around the country. Just getting drift off the back of the tour bus. It's been really difficult to hide from Dave where we're going to be at what time. We've had to employ someone to cut all the ads out of the newspaper

that he gets so that he doesn't know. Just ring him up as a fake agent and go, I'll get you over to gig in Broome so you can do your gigs at Cairns. Yeah, or Burning Man Festival's on somewhere. We need a man. Wouldn't it be great if you were saying, you know, he was able to eclipse Hamish because they did the thing on Channel 9. Wouldn't it be great if, like, Hamish and Andy had gotten over to New York

and they found that there was never a show, there was never a deal with Channel 9. It had just been Dave in disguise just trying to get him out of the country so he could swoop in. That wouldn't surprise me. But, yeah, so we're going on this tour with Dave O'Neill, I think, is the roadie. And so, yeah, we get to

you're right, we get to do a victory, well it's a victory lap and a goodbye. And I presume given it's a victory lap we'll all be draped in the Australian flag. Oh, constantly. Yeah, I think so. You turn up with a suitcase full of clothes and they go, nah,

not on here. So that'll be fun. Are you a good traveller? Do you travel a lot? No, no, I think so. You turn up with a suitcase full of clothes and they go, nah, not on here. So that'll be fun. Are you a good traveller? Do you travel a lot? No, no, I don't travel at all. You don't enjoy it or you find it? Yeah, I like to stay at home and read a book. Yeah, I haven't been many places at all,

so this will be quite entertaining. You've done this before though, haven you you've done the live 2007 2008 we did um for over about six months we did all around the place which was great so this this one's just going from mid-november through to mid-january next year and sort of bits and pieces and it'll be it be fun. We're playing nice big places and hopefully people will come because otherwise it will be the loneliest tour of all time. The show will have to go back into production to recoup the losses of the tour. Yeah, exactly, exactly. Well, the reason I bring up the travelling thing is that our listeners of the show

will know I've just come back from a week in Bali, a holiday that I went on with my parents, which was a fascinating thing to do as a 25-year-old. I can only imagine. Yeah, yeah. That'd be like a travelling game show in itself. Yeah, very much so. Whose suggestion was it?

It was my parents' suggestion. Right. Yeah, I mean, they always, they travel, they go on, you know, a good holiday once a year and they, I mean, they always, they travel, they go on, you know, a good holiday once a year. And they, you know, they sort of always offer. And I kind of for many years would go, oh, no, I'm not going to go on holiday with my parents. And then I just sort of turned around this year and went, they go to Bali? When am I going to save up to go to Bali on my own means?

It's a free trip. Just take it. So what if it's not, you know, it's not the best thing in the world? Have you been to, you said you haven't traveled much. I take it, yeah. Have you been to Bali, Alan? No, no, I haven't been to Bali. It is a full-on place.

Oh, okay. It was very interesting. A lot of Australians? A lot of Australians. A lot of Australians. Probably more Australians in one place than I've ever seen here, if that somehow doesn't make sense. But it certainly felt accurate at the time.

It is a great place to go if you want sunshine, cheap clothes, and to see the worst that Australia has to offer. It is really one of the best things I saw was you get proposition for sex in the street a lot. I presume everyone does. Stop it. You're exactly the sort of thing they're into, and I mean this with the greatest respect, a lady man.

Yeah, exactly. Are you propositioned by Australians, I take it? This is how they get you. You're walking down the street and they go, oh, you need a taxi? No, no. You want a sexy lady? It's like, how do we go from me getting a lift somewhere

to me copping a route? How does that work? Well, I mean, obviously the sexy lady is close by. Sure. So if you don't want to leave that area, he just immediately assumes. Yeah. With sexy results. Well, this is the thing because I'm.

Why wouldn't you want one in the taxi as well? That's the thing. Yeah, what's the flag for. In case you get travel sick, you can be concentrating on that. That's the thing about, like because i i sort of have a curiosity with things like that where you know they go do you want a sexy lady and i i you know i don't want to i don't want to have i don't want to pay to have sex but i am curious about what happens between me saying yes and me like where do we go do you know what i mean like that's i just

have this curiosity about what would happen next if i was to say yes i do you know like almost felt like going you know that they go, do you want a sexy lady? And me going, let's say hypothetically I did. How sexy? What would happen now? Yeah, yeah. I think he would say, I don't deal in hypotheticals because he's a businessman.

Sure, okay. And because I don't know what hypothetical means. Can I, the only, I, because I haven't been to Bali and I have never in a Balinese sense being propositioned for sex. So I think I kissed a girl while someone was playing Bali High from the musical South Pacific once. So that's the closest. Pretty much the same thing.

Yeah, it's the closest I've ever got. I was, one of the few times I'm traveled, I traveled, I did some advertisements when I was young for a travel company, and we went around the world. We went to Hong Kong, London, Los Angeles, and Sydney and filmed these ads. We did it in 13 days. Jesus. Yeah, it wasn't fun. Well, it was fun, but it was one of those things where, oh, you know, I think we spent three days on a plane all up.

Jesus. But we went to Hong Kong, and we were filming in one of the markets, and it was just amazing. It was extraordinary. Live snakes and all that sort of everything was fresh and getting killed when you pointed and all this sort of stuff. Just when you pointed it, things were immediately killed. You had laser beams in your fingers. I hadn't really thought of it that way, yeah.

It was very much that sort of fine line between life and death situation. One minute your hand is closed, the next minute it's open, and 10 things are dead. But it was run by the triads. Right. And the triad, the guy who was in charge of that market came over and money changed hands, quite a sizable sum of money in u.s uh non-sequential u.s bills and about halfway through our filming i realized i already need to go to the toilet

and this market is it's it's just a big it's a place of commerce it's not a shopping mall it's not you know anywhere like that hasn't been well planned. Well, yeah, it's just basically started, and someone's gone, I'll have a bit of that. Right. And there are toilets, but they're not signposted. And so I said, I really need to go to the toilet. And all of a sudden, the triad guy was there. Right.

And he went, I'll take you. And I thought, okay, I'll go to the toilet with the triad guy. And by the time I thought, and I think this is why I bring this up, because I think this would happen to you. By the time you'd said, hypothetically, what if I do want a sexy lady, you will be at the sexy lady. Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah. My pants will already be down.

I wouldn't even know how it's happening. Surprise! And with me, I went, I need to go to the, and the next thing I'm in the teeming throng of the market, deep in its bowels. Right. And I can't see anybody that I know. And I'm with this triad guy. Now, I don't know a lot about triads.

I'm going to make some unsubstantiated claims for them in my head. Go for it. And I am making those unsubstantiated claims or accusations in my head, many of which involve things that happen in John Woo films. Yeah. Well, they're like the mafia in New York, how they control the garbage business. The triads control the toilets over there. So I'm deep, deep in the steaming bowels of this market, thinking, when are we going to

get to a talk? bowels of this market thinking, well, when are we going to get to a talk? And then I realized I've just disappeared with a guy whose job is being in a triad. And unless I'm completely mistaken, is a crime gang or syndicate. Yeah, not a toilet accompanying business. No. And then we're at a little block, a brick sort of unit thing, and he says,

he points at the door and says, in you go. And I thought, what an ignominious but completely appropriate way for me to spend my final moment.

I stupidly needed to use the toilet in a foreign country in an area which is run, we know, because we've given them money, by a crime gang. And people are going to turn around at some point and go, where did Alan go? Oh, to the toilet with the tribes. Oh, right. Well, that's the last we'll ever see. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Our flight's in two hours. That's a metaphor over there. He's gone to the toilet. Oh, we'll miss him that's the last we'll ever see. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Our flight's in two hours. That's a metaphor over there. He's gone to the toilets. Oh, we'll miss him. And I was killed. Right. Yeah. Sorry for laughing.

No, no, no. That's perfectly all right. I was killed brutally as well. Yeah. Listeners won't be able to see this, but we're interviewing your spirit right now. There's no body in the room. I was, Mike, yeah, my corporeal presence was destroyed by the triad. We haven't even got the mics on.

Your soul has just gone into the console, and now this is just projecting out. Yeah, that's who found the Sean McAuliffe stuff. I've been in the computer. Alan, I think I speak for both of us. Sorry to hear about that. Yeah, and it was brutal, and it took a long, long time. And I seem to have done something and I can't, you know, it was some talk of colonial hegemony.

And after that, I blacked out. Well, yeah, I didn't end up, I couldn't take that next step. So what did happen? What actually happened? It was just a toilet and then you came back. Yeah, it was just a really, actually, really thoroughly lovely toilet. Well, triads are known for it.

With a copy, strangely, of the Financial Times. Right. The Fin. The Fin Times. Yeah, the pink one. The Times of London, I believe, does. And there, then I went back to work.

And you racked it out of the dunnings just to teach the triad a lesson. That'll show them. I've got one up on him. All that nervous tension you really had to, yep. Yeah. I've never told anyone that story before, and you'll probably understand why now, because the end of it is me emptying my bowels. Yeah, sure, sure. And so few stories with that at the end of it is me emptying my bowel yeah sure and so few stories

with that at the end of them are a good story yeah yeah and you've tried to give it the whole flourish with what you were saying before and then and then going so what happened next well i think we can so so in and so unfortunately by you not going to be with a sexy lady, that triggered in me the thought of being in Hong Kong. Yeah. And now we've ended up with this horrible impasse. Well, I did see the best response to being propositioned for sexy lady. I was walking down the street behind a family, Australian family,

and they're a mum and dad and a couple of kids, and this one kid, he would have been about 16 or so, and he's at the back of the group, and he's sort of straggling from his parents a little bit. And as he goes past, the guy goes, you want sexy lady, you want sexy lady? And he's got his cap on backwards, and he's got, like, you know, big curly hair and a bit of acne, and he goes, you want sexy lady?

And this kid just looks around and then goes, oh, I'll have to ask me mum. I got a bit homesick. Well done, Jed. So what did your mum say? Yes, very much, yes. But I nearly got you a gift, Carl. I drove past.

You nearly got me one? I drove past. The great thing is this is the first. So, like, I'd never been before, right? And we get to the airport. We're in a cab. We're driving down the main street. And suddenly I realize that we're in, you know, where all the shops are.

And I go, oh, cool. And so I turn around and the first shop that I see is a T-shirt shop that sells nothing but black T-shirts with horrendous slogans on them written in white text. thing, but black t-shirts with horrendous slogans on them written in white text. And this is the first item available for purchase that I saw in Bali. I've turned my head and instantly seen a t-shirt that just said on it in white text, shut the fuck up, cunt. Who is buying that and wearing it around?

But the awesome thing is you see the Balinese guys who work in these shops wearing these t-shirts around and it's great because they have no idea what it says. You know, you see these Balinese guys wearing... Really? No. Of course they do. They wouldn't. You're telling me a Balinese guy really knows that he's wearing a t-shirt that says, up the bum, no babies. Of course he does. And he's laughing all the way home because the absolutely awful, awful fuckers that go over there are buying this stuff. And I think that's one of the reasons subconsciously that I don't travel very much because I am scared that I will be one of those people who just ditches all society or norms as soon as they go to a country, particularly with brown people in it. And it is disgraceful because there is a form of tourist racism,

which is unconscionable to me, but people just go, and I'm sorry, you indulged in it then. I did, yeah. They don't know what they're saying. Of course they do, Tommy. It's a two-hour flight from Perth. So what you're saying is there's not going to be a Denpasar leg of the Spicks and Specks finale to it?

Well, no, probably not. Okay. But Alan, I wanted to ask you this because you're a new father, correct? I am. Do you reckon you're going to be, when the time comes to take your child on holidays, do you think you're going to be a good travel dad? Do you stress a lot? Because that's what I've found.

That's what makes a dad difficult to travel with, is his stress head. Yeah, no, I stress a great deal. Okay, right. So, no, I'll be awful. No international trips? No, probably not. She'll probably go with her mum and I'll probably just stay at home and read a book. Yeah, surprise party style. Yeah, exactly, and talk to them on Skype

or whatever invention has been invented by them. Just be beamed directly into their brains. Yeah, exactly. Well, as we've discussed, you're a non-existent spirit at this point, so you could just appear in front of them wherever they want. Exactly. There's no point in you buying an airfare. Good job having a baby, by the way.

Oh, thank you. Yeah, it's a form of spiritual surrogacy that I am at the forefront of. And you've got to be careful, though. Spirit boner. Yeah, well, that's my hashtag on Twitter. It's remarkable that you know that because you're not on Twitter, are you? No, I'm not. I'm not on any of that.

Not on Facebook? No. Wow. There is an official site. Where do you get the news? No, I'm not. I'm not on any of that. Not on Facebook? No. Wow. There is an official site. Where do you get the news? There is an official site that was done through the producer who did my show at the Comedy Festival this year. But no, I have nothing to say.

Because when I first met you, you didn't have a mobile phone. No. You were one of those people that rebelled against having a mobile phone. No, no, I didn't rebel. I didn't fear. All of this comes from- Rebel is the wrong word. You weren't driving past Telstra and throwing bricks

through their windows. No, no. I didn't see any reason why people needed to get in touch with me that urgently. I had a home phone, leave a message. Have you boycotted stamps as well? No, no, no. I love stamps.

Oh, good. Yeah. I sent a postcard only yesterday to someone. Wow. Yeah, I enjoy the work of stamps. I love email, though. I enjoy the work of stamps. I find them to be, I mean, historically, they've stood the test of time.

I do like the idea of stamps that somewhere there's a postman going, well, I'll be able to transport this letter. Hang on, I'm not bringing this letter anywhere because it doesn't have a tiny little picture of an echidna on it. And neither should they. Yeah. Without that. I mean, if people were willing to deliver mail without stamps on it,

where does that stop? Yeah. That is officially the thin edge of the wedge because stamps are so thin. Yeah. And, I mean, to build a wedge out of stamps is obviously quite difficult. And I mean, to build a wedge out of stamps is obviously quite difficult. But no, I like, yeah, I have nothing to say of any interest on a moment by moment basis. So Twitter is completely out.

You're talking about stamps just before. Listeners will know my girlfriend is currently living overseas. So I'm in a long distance relationship, which is anyway, that's good. She the other day, she said, oh, you know, because it was my birthday a couple of weeks ago, and before that, she was saying, I'm going to get you, I'll send you over a present, you know, in a package. And so she goes, I've gotten it all, and it's all here, ready to go. But yeah, I haven't sent it yet. I'm like, oh, okay.

And then another week goes by, and she's like, yeah, I still haven't sent it. I'm like, what? What are you sitting on this for? And she goes, oh, just haven't found stamps. Just haven't found any stamps. As soon as I find some stamps, I'm like, man, how bad is the economy in the States at the moment? You can't even find stamps.

What are they like? I'm like, how hard are you really trying? Also, but is she trying to find stamps? Yes. Like is she financially in such straitened times that she's just walking around going, oh, some stamps on the ground. She grabs them. Yeah, no, she was making it out like there are a commodity over there that is impossible

to find. I'm like, I reckon if you just walk around the corner, you'll find some. She does work in Disney World, though, doesn't she? Yes. Doesn't she? So she may be lost in some sort of maze over there at the moment, maybe. She works in Disney World? She's working at Disney World, yeah.

What does she do? She's selling glow sticks. That's brilliant! Yeah, it is. It is pretty great. How do you get a job selling glow sticks at Disney World? They, um, well... Is there a rave at Disney World where Mickey and Minnie are off their

chops? Walt Disney's spirit appeared in front of her, Alan Brow style, and said, we've been keeping an eye on you. No, she, uh, they recruit through universities and stuff. She studied visual merchandising, so they put posters up and say, hey, want to work at Disney World? And they all go, yeah. And then they get over there and they go, no, actually, not really.

Supposedly, there is a very, very, in Disneyland, there's a very exclusive club, the only place that sells alcohol in disneyland oh wow yeah um and i think it's like the it's 140 year wait to become a member or something like that but my favorite thing and i um and walt disney started it and there can only be something like 120 members at any given time so hang on this is an exclusive club that you have to join in order to be able to just drink a beer in disneyland when there's probably a pub next to the theme park yeah but it's the only place in disney be able to just drink a beer in Disneyland, when there's probably a pub next to the theme park that you can just go to. Yeah, but it's the only place in Disneyland, and it's got a restaurant and stuff.

But my favourite thing, and I believe this is true, is at the top of the Matterhorn ride, there is a pool room with a pool table in it, because to build it to that height, there was some regulation where there had to be something, you know, some habitable part of it. Some billiards. Yeah. So there is supposedly an area in which one can play pool at the top of the Matterhorn. But no one can play because Walt's put his $2 on the table

before he got cryogenically frozen. Oh, yeah, so they're waiting for him to come back. And there's a line on the board of people writing, and they're just like, Mickey, Minnie. Yeah, I heard that's how Walt Disney died. Like someone thrashed him in pool, and it's so cold up there, he had to run around the table with his pants down, and he got frostbite and died.

Well, no, and that's where the cryogenically frozen myth comes from. The only thing that was cryogenically frozen was his genitals and his toes and the poor guy. That'll be good in the future when they bring that back, though. Well, exactly. The thing is that we'll just see, you know, the first thing, because he was one of the first people cryogenically frozen. One of the first things that may emerge when they are able to bring him back to life in a post-human state will be Walt Disney's cock. And that'll be on the poster.

Be like Walt. It's a shame Spix and Spex won't be around to have that on as a guest. Well, this actually sort of ties into the Disney World stuff, what we were talking about before with Balinese T-shirts, the rude slogans and stuff. about before with Balinese T-shirts, the rude slogans and stuff. I saw a T-shirt in Bali for sale that my girlfriend also saw recently. She's there at work at Disney World selling her little glow sticks.

Some bloke comes in wearing a black T-shirt that says on it, I'm not a gynecologist, but I'll have a look. Now, that's your clothing choice for Disney World, you know? And what's he going to do with those clothes sticks? That's like, I'm going to go to the happiest place on earth wearing a t-shirt that's got a reference to the happiest place on earth. What if that's what he was doing? Then he went on to go, I'll have a go to gynecology and I've got these clothes sticks so I can see what I'm doing up there. That is a very strange clothing choice for a kid's theme park.

It's a very strange lifestyle choice. Yeah, exactly. Because I think that says more about the inside than it does about the outside. Sure, and that's the thing about joke T-shirts is, as I was saying, I wanted to buy Carl one of the most horrendous ones I saw as a gift, but you can't buy something like that with irony. You know, like you're still, even if you're getting it for someone to give to them as a joke, you are still the guy spending 20 bucks

on a T-shirt that says, I heart pussy. Like there's no way around it. You know, there's no way to ironically hand over cash. Yeah. And I just got embarrassed about people saying that. And I think that is a problem. You know, when I became an Australian citizen, someone gave me a T-shirt that said, fuck off, we're full.

Now, there was a bit of me that thought that was weird, but there was also a bit of me that thought this is not a T-shirt for wearing. But Alan, you don't get it. You'd passed your citizenship. You are one of the we now, you know? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, that was the thing.

You're the one. You were the one that made us full. Yeah. I pushed it over the edge. Right. Yeah. So I just squeezed into the Japanese train as those guys with the gloves on were closing the doors. And now Australia is positively bursting at the seams.

I came over here and I took your jobs, but I bought my own woman. Yes, you did too. There are plenty of Australian comedians waiting to get on this show and they're going, bloody New Zealanders, they come over here, they take our podcast guest appearances. Exactly. And all I can do is apologise to them. Well, Alan, before we wrap up, we're just about at the end.

Specs and Specs coming to an end. What happens next for Alan Brough after you do your residency out the front of a Subaru dealership? I imagine that I will slowly fade into obscurity and become so obscure that I won't even be noteworthy enough to be on

one of those Where Are They Nows. You won't even be the answer ony enough to be on one of those where are they now. You won't even be on the answer on some tampon question. I certainly won't. You'll make a fan sale. Come on. You're all right. But look, it's one of those things where I'm being quite serious in a way about this because, you know, you never really can tell. And, hey, got to be on a show that people liked for seven years.

Could be a lot worse. Spicks and Specks was on for so long that I can almost envision a quiz show starting up about Spicks and Specks. Right. You know, what episode did Dave O'Neill make his first appearance? God, I can't even remember that. It was such a long time ago. Yeah. It was when we still, you know, when everything was engraved on those stone tablets that we had.

It was when we still, you know, when everything was engraved on those stone tablets that we had. No, look, I'll do a few things. I do the radio. I work on ABC radio. Yes. So I'll continue doing that. And, yeah, look for me in a shop somewhere working behind the counter. What sort of shop? Looking taller than you expected.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And someone going, are you that? No, you couldn't be. No. I'll just have your age, thanks. That'll be my epitaph, which will be, aren't you that? No, you couldn't be.

That's what it'll say on my gravestone. That or, despite my best efforts, things turned out quite well. Well, Alan, thanks so much for joining us on the show today. We really appreciate you coming in. Hey, well, thank you for asking me, and I appreciate you allowing me to come in, because doing it from outside of the studio would have been lonely and weird. It'd be possible for you, though, because you're a spirit. Ah, yes.

The final episode of Spicks and Specks is on the ABC in November. The finale tour is on from November this year till January of next year. Have I got that right? 12th, 13th, and 14th in Melbourne is the final show. Great. Start at the Horden Pavilion in Sydney on November the 15th. Wow, they really drilled that into you. If you want tickets and other info, you can go to thefinale.com.au.

Thanks, guys, for listening. We hope you've enjoyed it. If you want to get in touch with us, littledumbdumbclub at gmail.com. We're on Facebook and Twitter if you want to get in touch with us over there. Thanks so much for listening, and we'll see you next time. See you, mates. See you, mates.