The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 5 - Lawrence Mooney

Episode Date: November 23, 2010

Sorbent commercials, breakfast radio and Mooney's Inferno. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

G'day folks, how are you going? Welcome to another edition of the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. My name is Tommy Dasolo, with me once again, Carl Chandler. G'day dickhead! Yep, hi mate! How are you this afternoon? I'm raring to go, I'm very much looking forward to our special guest today. Yeah, he's a very good pal of ours.

Good friend of the show. Good friend of the show, stand-up comedian, raconteur. Legend of Australian comedy, favourite of the scene. Rhapsodist. Television getabout. Roustabout. Twitter aficionado. Clitorati.

And new owner of a sweet hog, we just found out on the way in here. Ladies and gentlemen, television's Lawrence Mooney. Thank you very much. Yes. Tommy, I prefer probably to be known as stand-up comedy's Lawrence Mooney. That's where I'm making my living. And since The White Room, the two episodes of The White Room earlier this year, I haven't really been on the telly.

What about that Sweet Sorbonne ad you're in? Oh, yeah, of course. That's good. That's classic Mooney. That's telly. Okay. That's not radio. Yeah.

No, that's telly. People can see you. They can hear you. I didn't think to include commercials as telly per se. You know, panel show. Some kind of comedy spectacular. But I'll take the Sorbonne ad and I was happy with it. Made by a great bunch of people called Renegade Films

who have actually made film. You can see there's quality in the ad. Look at you just trying to pick them up so they give you more work. Is that what you're doing? I feel like they're going to fucking listen to this. They're friends of the show. They're friends of the show. How many people are tuning in to your podcast?

Hey, come on now. We're getting good numbers. Yeah, we are getting very good numbers. How many hits? How many hits? Look, I'd rather not say. I'd rather leave it up to people's heads. It's a lot, though.

It's more than you would think. I missed last week's debate about your name. Yeah. Can we carry that on? I think we only half did that, to be fair. I think we should really examine that this week. Because Tommy Dasolo, sitting opposite me, was talking about some comedian from Sydney

who mispronounced his name on introducing him. And I said, Tommy, early in your career, I struggled because I gave it a bit more of the exotic, if you like. I gave it a bit of DeSalo. It is very audacious of me to get angry at people for mispronouncing a fake name. A made-up name. Yeah.

And I remember going up to you at the Young & Jackson's Hotel on the corner of Flinders Street and Swanston Street and saying, so, Tommy, how do you pronounce your surname? And you're saying, oh, it doesn't matter. And I said, no, come on, man, it really does. It's your name. And you said, no, it really doesn't. And now, of course, the penny drops. It's like the final denouement in Soul Man where, oh, that's why he's bad at basketball.

He's not really a DeSalo or a Dassault. No. Soul Man doesn't get referenced enough. No's not really a Dasalo or a Dasalo. No. So many doesn't get referenced enough. No, not at all. Look, I feel like we're carrying on about the wrong part of last week's episode. I just want to quickly say that. I just want to quickly say I thought that was appropriate where you said the only other TV you've done since The White Room has been Disorbent Ad. It's sort of like the perfect after for The White Room.

Now here's the paper to wipe. What the fuck came out in that show? Well, it really is where my career is too. It's in the toilet. Well, this leads me into what I was about to bring up because last week there was a lot of talk about half of the show, Carl Chandler, shitting his pants after a particularly devious pizza played a bit of havoc on his guts. And I feel like it's an appropriate guest to follow up that episode with because you're somewhat legendary in the industry for your shitting in your pants story.

Story, yeah. Well, not story. I believe there are. I believe I've heard multiple ones. Okay, there's a couple, but really there's one big one. Well, this is your chance to set the record straight. Well, it's many years ago now. It's 2001.

Am I going to run through the whole shit? Do you still want to? At least two, yeah. I go to a nightclub with Limo in Adelaide. Oh, fling. Did I just drop a name? He's a name? Yeah.

Okay. I went to a nightclub with Anthony Lehman, aka Lemo. Is that his real name? Are you for real? I've got a lot in common. I'm kidding. His name's a kind of contraction of his actual name.

Your real name's Nigel Tippett. Yeah, and it's pronounced Lee Mao. Yeah. Actually, Tommy Dasolo is, if you've never seen him, he's Mr. Tumnus from The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. Tumnus, what a name. It's just a guy called Barry Thompson. Anyway, so I took some non-prescription medication.

I think the kids refer to it as E or Eckie. Or Rizzles. Or Rizzles or Bickies. And I was in a nightclub and it was back in the day when you could smoke in nightclubs. So it's 2001, going back. And I finished my dart and just flick it in the air and I'm dancing, really carving it up. And all of a sudden everything gets really smoky. I go, whoa, what's going on in here?

It's like, is there a fire? And Limo said, no, your jacket is glowing. And the dart that I'd flicked away had gone into the pocket of my jacket, which has a story all of its own. But anyway, so I take it off. It wasn't flaming, but, you know, when something's glowing all around the edge of the burnt, scorched area, I'd ruin my corduroy jacket. It was a pretty cool jacket too.

And so I took it off in disgust and threw it into the corner. And from being in a real high, I'd ruined my own buzz. And there was beanbags around. So I went and sat in a beanbag and I fell asleep promptly. My buzz was gone. I just passed out. And I wake up to a bouncer snap kicking me in the ribs. And I just didn't know where I was.

And he's going, out, mate. Wake up. No sleep. And I was like, whoa, I'm a sleeper, not a fighter. I just love pumping out the Zs, man. Come on. From E's to Zs. Yeah, from E's to Zs.

You've got to go. And I said, can I say goodbye to my mate? No. Limo sees me getting chucked out. He's having a good time And I said, can I say goodbye to my mate? No. Limo sees me getting chucked out. He's having a good time. I said, stay. And I get outside into the broad daylight and realise that I really need to go to the toilet quite urgently. So I'm making my way across Adelaide Parkland towards Hindley Street.

And I could feel it coming on. And then there was just no stopping. It was the power, the out. And I logged out. I logged off. I filled my trowels. And when you're in just broad daylight and there's people getting about their Sunday morning thing. Oh, this was in the morning by then?

Yeah, it was in the morning. Oh, right. I went out into broad daylight and I fully just packed the trousers. Packed tea? Packed a fucking cup lunch and a picnic. Packed to the rafters. It was really like that. It was like a double episode.

Someone died and it was someone's sense of smell. So I needed to get this thing out and it was burning my skin and I went into an alley off Rundle Mall and just started, I dropped my dachshund and started scooping handfuls backhand onto a wall, monkey throwing shit at zoo patrons style. This has really set the tone for a great hour, hasn't it? I feel like that would have been much better off as the Sorbent commercial. That's what happens when you're not prepared.

How cute would it be if you're there wiping your own shit on a concrete wall and then a little Labrador came along with a little... That's the Labradors, isn't it, Sorbent? And then you wipe your ass on it. That's the thing with toilet roll commercials is they never refer to what the product's for. There can never be any brown in a toilet roll commercial. And, you know, bring on the puppies. And, ironically, a puppy is a very good thing to wipe your ass with.

They're soft and they're also reusable. So it's like, you know, you can hose them down. It's environmentally responsible to wipe your ass with a small dog. I've got a Labrador. They're pretty – I feel like she'd sort of, you know hose them down. Yeah. It's environmentally responsible to wipe your ass with a small dog. I've got a Labrador. They're pretty – I feel like she'd sort of, you know. She'd take it. She'd take it. Man's best friend.

Cementing its position as a best friend. Yeah. So then I pull up my trousers and made my way up Rundle Mall with this kind of hand, this turd glove on and made my way back to the hotel, and I just must have been reeking, just stinking, as I make my way through the foyer, waving at everyone, Morning! For context, how old are you in this story?

I am 36. And it was Saturday morning or Sunday morning? It was a Saturday night into Sunday morning. Right. Yeah, right. And so I get home, and my buzz is back like I have double dropped and I need some action. And so I get in the shower and kind of wash myself off and I don't know whether I should tell you the rest of this. Oh, come on.

I don't know whether I should tell you the rest of this. Oh, come on. Oh, look, I had to have sex and I got a prostitute back to my husband. Oh, yes. Yes, that is what the little Tom Tom Club is all about. And it was awesome. And I'd bought a Bob Marley CD a couple of nights beforehand. So we're listening to some reggae and we're getting it on. And someone's smoking something.

Yeah. Someone's smoking something. No, that's Michael Jackson. Anyway, so then, you know, kind of the party finishes and she said, I should get a shower. I said, oh, don't. Because there's some things in there. She said, no, you know, nothing can shock me.

And I just went. We'll see. We'll see. Did I just tell that story? Is this going to go from my mum to log on and listen to this? If you want me to edit that out, just tell me and then I will tell you that I'll do it and then I won't actually do it. Okay.

Oh, look, they're the facts as they stand but your other famous shitting yourself story which i brought up to you the other day yeah that's an apocryphal story so the story that i have heard is about the time lawrence mooney shat himself live on stage doing one of his little skit performances that's that's just an apocryphal story that has grown out of, I can tell you it's grown out of two drips of wee. I was doing a gig at Knock City in some Irish pub and, you know, that no one ever went to. And I go to the toilet before I go on stage and it's a hot night and I'm just wearing shorts. I'm going, Commando, I go to the, this I go on stage, and it's a hot night, and I'm just wearing shorts. I'm going, Commando, I go to the – this is going to be all toilet.

I'm better than this. Anyway, I go to the toilet. There's a couple of drips of urine make their way onto my shorts. I go on stage, and I'm doing my gags and making funny, and there's two girls in the front row just laughing. And I go, what are you laughing at? And I look down and it's like, okay, there's a telltale kind of, you know, 20-cent piece mark on my shorts.

So what I do is I go, that's just too embarrassing to go on with. And I'd had a pretty bad day. So I was drinking a pint of Guinness on stage and I got it and I poured it down my pants to make everything wet, to get rid of that telltale little sign. And that was the end of that. There's, you know, Guinness pouring out the end of my shorts. That's funny. Let's get on with the comedy. Yeah.

Let's get on with the comedy. Yeah. That has grown from a piss mark in a pair of shorts to he pissed himself on stage, because people see the Guinnesses, yeah, to he shit himself on stage. You know, next thing I'm going to perform some heinous sexual crime on stage. Well, I heard that you sucked off a male prostitute after it in the shower while he was shitting on you. That's the story I heard. I heard you sucked off the ghost of Bob Marley.

Yeah. I would if Bob could appear. Hey, do you want some breaking news? Yes. You did say that you had something for us. Yeah, well, you know. A new shit yourself story. Yes. Am I being myself today or do I seem a little bit hyped up or am I okay?

You seem, I haven't seen you for a while, but you seem, you know. Because, you know, you were mentioning my motorcycle out there. Well, you know, everyone says new bike, you're going to put it down at some stage. You're going to lay the baby down. It's going to be a bad day for you. Yeah. And it's a brand new bike. I thought I'd buy a brand new bike.

You know, I'm in a full tilt midlife crisis. You've got a polished helmet sitting next to you as well. I've got my polished helmet. Would you put that away? Yeah. Ding, ding, ding, ding. There's someone pumping on the door, but we can't go and answer that. No.

We're in showbiz. Yeah, exactly. Anyway. We're thinking of the listeners. So today's the day. On my way here, I fucking stacked my bike. Oh. Yeah.

I know. Look, I've got some more. This will be good for the listeners. I can't see that from a bit. That's the same size as the piss mark on your shorts. That is exactly a 20. For the listeners, the moon has just shown us a cart. A nasty graze.

The size of a 20 cent piece on his knee. I was coming up Queen Street and somebody did a park from the left-hand lane, that one. Yeah, right. And I just laid it down. And are you, so you'll be getting the tram home?

No, it's going. It's fine. It's just, you know, some kind of cosmetic injuries and obviously I'm in shock. Hang on, I'm just texting Confidential. Yeah. Who's Lawrence Mooney? Hang on, I'm just texting confidential. Who's Lawrence Mooney? To get into confidential, you do need to have some kind of profile, don't you?

You would think that, but sometimes you look at it and you go, hmm, that's in there? I suppose, you know, people wouldn't know who I am. So I've got to get home and tell my wife before this goes to air. Yeah. Is there a point that you could get to where you'd go, I can't do this anymore? Yeah. Because I have a friend who rides a fixie. Right. And he stats us all the time. All the kids have got fixies, haven't they?

Yeah, it's bullshit. I'm not into it. What is with the fixie? Why the fixie? I don't even know what a fixie is, to be honest. A fixed wheel is you pedal and you can't stop pedalling. The pedals keep going around because the wheel hasn't got that resting motion. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's fixed, so the whole thing's moving the whole time. So to stop it, you've got to kind of stand on the brakes.

It's a kinetic thing because they're trying to push forward. Right. Yeah, so there's no brake. You're just kind of like right backwards so apparently you know you can get up to some devilish speeds and it's quite dangerous but fixie you know it's the it's the latest thing isn't it it is yeah and i i don't like how everyone who rides one always tries to is just constantly trying to recruit everyone's trying to recruit people into it why my friends are always always on me to buy one. I'm like, I don't want to buy

one because I would never use it. Right. But they just fucking keep at you. Oh, it's so good. A day like this, just riding around. We can go on rides together. I'm not enjoying hanging out with you now. Why would I want to spend more time on a fucking bike nearly dying every time a car comes past me?

What's better than a normal bike? I mean, what's What's better than a normal bike? I mean, what's better about it than a normal bike? I don't know. I actually don't know. But I have friends who ride them who stack it all the time. I have friends who've done their shoulders. And I feel like that would be, I would have one of them and then I'd go, no.

You get one gimme. Do you know what I mean? Like you get one proper crash where you don't die or end up severely brain damaged. And I feel like that's… But why are these hipsters in such a rush? They don't die or end up severely brain damaged and i feel like these are in such a rush like they don't need they don't want any breaks where are they going so quickly so you're saying to me you're you're doing a bit of dad work now you're saying to me that was my chance today and walk away i guess i am saying that yeah i didn't realize i was but i guess i was yeah that's confronting because when I said I was going to get a motorcycle, a lot of people that know me well said, you're the wrong temperament for a motorcycle.

You've got to have a balanced kind of like very clear thinking temperament and you're not that temperament. Yeah. And then on top of that, people just pounded me with horror stories. Yeah. My mate went under a tram and his leg got stripped to the waist and it was just bone and it took him six months to rehab and oh this mate of mine has been driving for 20 years and it was just a simple accident now he's

a quadriplegic and on and on and on and you know and you thought that sounds pretty sweet well they were telling the wrong person because, as I mentioned earlier, I got the wrong temperaments. I went, yeah, fuck off. Boo! Boo! Boo! You need a fixie motorbike with no brakes.

Yeah. I'm going to go home and take the brakes off it and the lights. I don't even want this shitty helmet. Do you feel like you now, after your near-death experience is something that you have a new lease on life? Are you just sitting in the studio going, oh, this is a gift? Did your career rush before your eyes when you laid the bike down? Yeah.

All those episodes of the Denise show. I just saw Ding Dong. Actually, I saw the white light, and then I just heard ding dong saying, come back. Come back. That was the set of The White Room. Maybe I've actually passed away this afternoon and this is like purgatory where I have to recount everything that you've done in your career. Yeah, this is going to be a special eight-year-long episode where we're just going to sit here and talk forever and ever.

Wow. I reckon that that would be hell to have your career replayed to you every gig. You're in a room just watching an endless video. Yeah. When you said the Denise Show flashed before your eyes, which segment? Because I did look you up on the Denise Show on YouTube, and here's something that the listeners can try. There's you interviewing.

The only clip of you that I could find on YouTube from the Denise show is you interviewing Charlotte Church. Yeah. Is that an English singer? You're dressed as some kind of village idiot. You're dressed like bloody Mr Toad from Wind in the Willows. You're wearing a little boating cap, and you're in this full period garb.

It's a bit disturbing, isn't it? Because I've taken a 14-year-old girl to the Botanical Gardens for a picnic. And you've got a goatee as well. Yeah. And I'm dressed up as like, you know, some kind of gamekeeper. And now she's all grown up. Yeah, yeah.

She's had her kind of like celebrity showbiz blowout, hasn't she? I guess so. You don't hear about her much anymore. She's taken a bit of A- class and singing like a mofo. Yeah, so that, oh, look, there's a, I think in my archive of bullshit at home in my garage, I've got some digital tape of me and Denise really making some quality TV. We should have a night of that.

Why don't you invite us around? Yeah. Go through the moon anthology. Yeah. Like when the Beatles put their stuff out. Yeah. I'm going to get all those episodes of the Denise show and put them out on iTunes. Yeah.

It'll be a big announcement. Because the Beatles are up there. The Beatles are finally made. It's time for the Denise show. I've been holding out for too long. Yeah. And maybe I can broker a deal now with me and my... Too many people are illegally downloading episodes the new Denise show. I've been holding out for too long, and maybe I can broker a deal now with EMI. Too many people are illegally downloading episodes of the Denise show.

A bit torrenting it. There's a lot of bootleg Denise out there, and it's time that we owned it. You should gatecrash the circle and play it on the circle. I'll fix it up. I'll be like the George Martin of the Denise show, and I'll just produce it. Just tweak it.

Get my son in, remix it. Maybe some of the true diehards will be a bit outraged, but get a bit of Cirque du Soleil maybe behind it. Take the show to Vegas, the musical Denise show experience. You can call it Moon! Yeah. I've just had a serious motor vehicle accident. I believe you, speaking of television and show business and radio and stuff,

I believe you had some radio stories that you wanted to share with us, I believe you were saying? Look, I am a veteran of Breakfast Radio, and there's a show coming up that I won't discuss the show, but I've been asked to share some of my horror stories from Breakfast Radio, and you get a chance to do one. And I've got three, and I just want to run them past you, and you guys tell me which is the most horrific.

Okay, sure. Or not necessarily horrible, but talks about the horror that is Breakfast Radio. Yeah. Okay. So the first time I'm on air at Mix 101.1, I returned from doing a theatre season at Belvoir Street the night before. The night before that was a big party. I'm exhausted.

I go on air for my first night, first morning, six till nine. It was pretty shaky because it was a new team, Loz, Michelle and Des. Oh, Loz. You're the one with the nickname. Yeah, I was the crazy, I was shit neck. And this is around the time I first met you. You had bleach blonde hair at this time. Yeah.

Did you not? I got bleach blonde hair in my second year when I was really breaking down. Really crazy. Really looking for the Brownlow votes. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, so I get off air and we were meant to meet the general manager that morning and then he's going to have a lunch with us and then present us to the sales team marketing.

That's what commercial radio is all about. Meet the team and we were going to be taken in on Harleys, which is just such a bad idea. For real? For real. Anyway, we get off air and I'm just exhausted. So I get under my desk and I am asleep, passed out. That's when the general manager arrived to say, hey, listen this morning and where's

Loz? It's like, there he is. Doing a bit of George Costanza. Just somebody had to wake me up and say, hey, the general manager's here. It's like, oh, great. And the prostitute you ordered is not far behind as well. I'm thinking maybe we might cut that out of the Adelaide story. But look how much fun we've had with it.

Yeah. Well, maybe we can just reference it, but let's cut it out of the Adelaide story. You're asking how many hits we get on the show. If you want this to be big numbers, then that's what the people want. Okay, if that's what the people want. Is that going to reflect badly on me, though? No, that'll make you cool. You've got the bike, you've got a pro story.

Look at Charlie Sheen. Yeah. Oh, right. You're not going hard enough, if anything. Look, I'm a different man now. Anyway. There are four prostitutes hanging out in this room, by the way, which you mentioned as well.

Right, yeah well Very cheap That was why I lost balance on the motorcycle I was like man you can't even have three billion passengers You had to get them stacked in like a pyramid Sort of like the end of the third Wallace and Gromit film where he's got all this pyramid Like a house of cards but with sluts

Is the third Wallace and Gromit film called Pyramid of Prostitutes Oh I tell you what The sluts are making me Bike wobbly Oh look out Stop sucking that

Oh hello You've got scabs on your face You've been smoking ice again Look out Don't tell me you love me and then take all my money fast. You mean smoking ice again? Look out! Oh, no! Don't tell me you love me and then take all me money. Maybe the three of us can reboot the Wallace and Gromit franchise and make it a bit darker.

A la Christopher Nolan with Batman. A bit of prostitutes. Tell you what, she's not really a natural blonde. Hello! The drapes don't match the carpet. Oh, Wallace. Anyway, so that's one story.

The other story was we did this thing about, it was kind of like a time with raising funds for breast cancer but we wanted to make

the longest chain of bras to get in the Guinness Book of World Records and we asked people to get in the Guinness Book of World Records. And we asked people to send in their old bras and the response was massively underwhelming. We occasionally got some old bra in the mail with a letter of encouragement and that was nice that people were participating. So we had to go around to bra manufacturers and op shops, places where bras are.

Is that the pervious request you ever put out on radio? That was for a really good cause. We're bringing you soiled bras, preferably. Soiled? Soiled's wrong. You know, used, pre-loved. And so we started to amass all these bras from all sorts of places but not from listeners.

We had to put them in a storeroom and the whole thing, the whole promotion went for weeks. And then we had to take them down to Fed Square. We were having an OB and stretch our big bra chain across Fed Square and wrap it around, you know, wacky, wrap it around some people and bring it back again. Just ballpark it for us, how many did you get sent in from listeners? Oh, let's say 30.

Okay, right, right. But we wanted hundreds. We wanted thousands. We wanted to make a bra chain across Australia. Yeah, I thought you were going to say eight. Were you up front on the air about that you weren't getting them sent in? No, it's been a great response. You're never up front. People are going crazy.

Yeah, okay. We've got people bringing in loads of bras and, you know, send yours in. Occasionally one would arrive in the mail. And so we've got this kind of mass of dusty horror conglomeration of bras that we had to take out of this room. And then for the MX photos, the wacky team, we wrapped ourselves in them. I just felt really nauseous the whole time. It's like old bras that were just full of dirt and cockroaches and wrongness. But this is the story that I think will probably make it.

Don't fall asleep, Tommy. He's gone really a little bit glassy-eyed. Oh, yeah, okay. People sending free bras. What else? Okay. We used to have this program director that used to get off air every day and tell us whether we were funny or not.

Great. Listen to the show today. Not funny. Listen to the show today. Not funny. Listen to the show today. Hey, it was pretty funny. He goes, yeah, I was listening to the show today. Didn't think it was funny. You know that bit you did at 8 o'clock where you're talking about going to the shops and whatever,

buying bananas, whatever the thing was. He goes, too many ideas. You're all throwing in different ideas and I'm thinking, what's his story about? And, you know, too many ideas. It ideas it's like yeah that's how stories go people throw in their bit yeah and you know you get to an end and hopefully there's something funny at the end of it and he goes no no no you don't understand so i'm sitting on the opposite side of the desk to him and he picks up a lolly and he says los catch this and he throws it at me and i catch the lolly then he picks up a handful and just pelts my head with them. As minties and boiled lollies and milk bottles bounced off my head.

And I looked at him and he said, see, too many ideas. Too many ideas, not enough bras. Listen in. Mix FM. And so we just all sat there open mouth. Couldn't believe that he just assaulted me with mixed lollies and then just cracked up laughing. Oh, man, I was just hurting with laughter.

I couldn't believe it. I wonder what that general manager would have to say about this show. That program director. Oh, program director, sorry. That program director might have have to say about this show. That program director... Oh, program director, sorry. That program director wouldn't... Might have this to say about this show. Okay, driver, pull over. You got your license on you?

Because he's now a policeman. Ah, well, okay. I was going to say maybe... Natural progression. We'd be lucky to have one lolly to chuck at someone, maybe. Yeah, yeah. So... So that's, you know, three of my experiences with – there's many more.

Is that a natural progression for a radio show producer to then go into the police force? Do you think there are parallels? You know, some of these things are not like the others. Some of these things are not quite the same. Yeah. And so, no, it doesn't seem to me to be a natural progression. But he might get the opportunity now to, you know, pull people over and when they say, you know, what's your excuse for speeding? He can go, funny, not funny.

He can still lord that over. Yeah, you're going too fast. You realise how fast these lollies are going? Bang, see? That's it. So don't drive that fast. Just been at the pub and had a few drinks and then had a couple more drinks and then was in a rush to, too many ideas.

Way too many ideas. Too much going on there. Too much going on there. But I was, yeah, I was in a fully self-destructive tilt. Like I was coming off the back of that Adelaide trip straight into breakfast radio. Do you want to go into detail? Okay. That's such a weird thing to be in a self-destructive sort of like party animal phase

with a job where you've got to get up at three in the morning. Yeah, I couldn't go to bed. I had separated from my long-term partner, and then my long-term partner and child moved away. So I was on my own with a load of cash and a head full of hate and some pretty savage substance abuse problems. What an attractive cocktail. Which is around the time that I met you.

And then I decided to bleach my hair blonde. Of course you got smit then. You're just like peas in a pod. I reckon probably April, May 2004 was probably one of the bleakest times of my life. I know what you mean. Is that just because Comedy Festival was on? The Comedy Festival was on. I'd broken up with a short-term intense relationship that I had.

Like I said, my child was living away from me. I was spending a little bit too much time at Revolver. Whoa. Yeah, sexy. Who were you hanging out with at Revolver in those years? Starry and Sheetz. I don't know. I thought Kevin Sheety for a second.

I thought, yeah, that's interesting. Not that Sheeds. Did you have a wolf pack that you went out partying with? Oh, the entourage. Yeah. Well, yeah, yes and no. I wasn't as tight as that. Just a bunch of bros cruising for pussy.

Oh, man. I kind of hate entourage. Really? I really hate it. Really? The whole idea, maybe it just reminds me of what that was like, cruising with bros, looking for pussy. Come on. For fuck's sake, grow up.

When you had the blonde hair, did you have one of those surf necklaces? Because that's what I'm thinking of. Cucur shells. No, I never adorned myself with a necklace i think that's the that's what you get when you get the bleach bond hair actually the hairdresser comes free i did have a necklace for a little while it was a um a spanish coin and punched out of it was the cross that was also there oh yeah it was wrong i look so wrong in jewelry yeah i look so bad.

I should never have jewellery. I wish that you dressed like you are in that Charlotte Church video from the Dinesha. I wish you dressed like that all the time. That is, I mean, period costume is what I should be dressed in all the time. All the time, yeah. I'm an old friend. On your motorbike too. That would be cool.

Period costume apart from the helmet. But then you have to have the hat on top of the helmet. And keep the bike on its wheels rather than on its side making a sound. So when you were off the rails then and you did the Comedy Festival show, what was that? Was that the concept of your show, Lawrence Mooney off the rails? I should have gone Lawrence Mooney off the rails and told the truth, but I was trying to portray an image that wasn't really me.

And I think 2003 I did a show. Did that involve the period costume? Were you coming in pretending to be someone from 300 years ago? It was trying to be this kind of like cool guy who's off the radio. Hey, everyone. And it's like, come on, man. Get into your own skin. Tell the truth.

You are a broken, broken man with no idea. But you are funny. And what pulled you out of it? What pulled you out of the funk? Probably my – actually, no, I had a realization. I had an epiphany one night. I bought a house way down in Mordialloc, down in the bay, and I was living in kind of like self-imposed exile, and I was drinking like a motherfucker.

I was an alcoholic, full-blown. And I had an epiphany one night. I was, you know, I'd do a lot of chatting to myself, and sometimes I'd get on the phone and berate friends, tell them where their lives had gone wrong. That's attractive. I'm at home one night and I'd drunk a lot and I've, you know, snorted something and I'm pretty on fire and I'm just ranting around the house and then I just looked at this wall that I'd kind of painted,

inspired by Mark Rothko, kind of purple and red boxes, and just went, oh, if I don't get out of here, I am going to die in this house. Wow. So I didn't stop immediately. There was still some partying time to be had. So that was 2006. So it was sometime after the radio and three things happened. I rented that house out and moved to Elwood. So I moved kind of back towards civilisation. I started going to Alcoholics Anonymous and was dry for nine months. And we can talk about

Alcoholics An this another time. But I also decided I wanted to have a relationship. So I dried out and, you know, I'd been stumbling up to women, pissed for years, you know, you want to go home with me? And it's not a great basis for a relationship, being blind and just going home with anyone. So I sobered up and I met the woman who is my wife now, Lulu. So it's all got a happy ending. She kind of like really affirmed my life.

It's really quite, can we hold hands? Okay, let's do it. Hey, we are, we're making a real life. I like how we're doing it and no one can see us. It's just for our own benefit. They know we are. They know. You guys didn't hold hands, so it wasn't a ring.

Oh, no, what? What are we doing? We're doing hands across sin. I can tell that Carl's not really a tactile kind of guy. He was uncomfortable with that. Yeah, Carl's got a big one. I get hot, and I think, oh, you're going to think I'm sweaty. This again.

This is again. That's self-deprecating. Yeah. Your hands are fine. They're a little sweaty, but that's okay. See, as we've been dispelling some myths about you on the show so far, here's a story that I heard about you from that point of your life that I'm not sure that I've ever asked you about.

The story I heard was that you were very drunk one night and you were going to get the train home. Jesus. You passed out on the train. The train has gone past your stop all the way to the end of the line and then back into Flinders Street Station, at which point you've woken up and gone, oh, this is fucking bullshit.

The train hasn't even fucking moved. I'm just going to get a cab home. Is that true? Okay, this is the scenario. And then one of the Met guys, then you paid one of the Met guys to suck you off. This is puerile. I'll let you leave the prostitute video.

Because it's true and it's like warts and all biography and we've been through it and I can face the facts and that's that. Now, I was doing a show for the Comedy Festival. It was called – let me just think about the timeline. It was called Lies, Lies, Lies. I was doing breakfast radio. I thought the show was good. It was a good show. I'm not going to go into what

the critics thought. Anyway, so I go from my show to the Hi-Fi Bar. I drink myself into a stupor with the assistance of non-prescription medication. So I decide not to drive home which is you know cheers to me so i get in a cab and i go back to my home in brighton from the hi-fi bar when i get home uh my partner and child have gone away for the weekend as was often the case in those years because we were separated but living together anyway i haven't got my house keys. They're in my car. And I've spent my final money on the cab home. Yeah.

So I walk from my house to Brighton Station. I get on a train to go back into town to get my car keys. I go in from Brighton into Flinders Street. I'm asleep by this time. I go out to Sandringham. I'm woken by a guy who says, you're at Sandringham. So my little head's gone in from Brighton, Richmond, Flinders Street, all the way back out to Sandringham.

Now I'm thinking, this is just ridiculous. This could end up being Dante's Inferno. It's a divine comedy, seven levels of hell. So I get in the cab and I say to the guy, listen, I can't pay you until we get home because I haven't got any money on me, but I'm going to go into town, get my car, house keys, go back to my house, go to the bank, then pay you. So he picks me up from Sandringham Station, drives me into the city, to that car park underneath the city square. Yep.

He goes into the car park so he can see me go to my car, get the house keys. We go out. We don't have to pay because we've only been in there for a couple of minutes. Yep. We drive back to Brighton. I open the house, get my wallet, get my card, go to the bank, pay him. He drives me home and then I pay him. Man, it took four hours.

It was from leaving the hi-fi bar, I don't know what, when does it shut? When do you kick it out? Daylight? Yeah, daylight. From six in the morning, it took me until afternoon to finally pull it off. Really? And then the wave of self-hatred. And was the fair more because the cabbie had to stop for you to shit yourself in an alleyway?

See, you really do make a cross for your own back when you start with the poo-poo stories. Yes, indeed. So Twitter. Let's get back onto Twitter. Yeah, yeah. Because I, and let's say right now, let's put it out there right now that Tommy Dasso and I, Carl Chandler, that's me, are both on Twitter. And, you know, you can follow us, but more importantly,

follow Lawrence Mooney. Yeah. Especially late night Mooney. You do some sterling work on there. Yeah. Yeah. I like funny things, you know. I like your tweets, Carl.

Well, that's what I think it should be for. Don't like any of your stuff. No. Dasso just goes on about palmists and stuff. I don't always go on about palmists. I had a very good one yesterday. Oh, Melbourne, the weather. You've Melbourne me again weather.

Yeah. Tweet pic of the cloud. Oh, I'm sorry for taking up six seconds of your precious little day. Can I read one out to you that is waiting to go? This is a draft. It's a draft. Oh, breaking exclusive moon tweet action. And this happened this morning.

But I'm 16 characters over. Ah, right. And I can't get it down. but I'm 16 characters over. Ah, right. And I can't get it down, so I'll just... Okay, here we go. I'll pod tweet. Yeah. Wow. Come on.

Man, yeah, I want it on that. That's sweet. Let's go with that. Saw my shoulders after that motorcycle crash. Yeah. At the park, two middle-aged men with remote-control cars staring at a young woman walking her dog. My wife.

Look at the childish, fat, lecherous cunts. No, that is lean. That's lean. I don't think you can bring that down any further. Yeah, yeah. And I just looked at her and went, that is superb. She goes, oh, they make me sick. Wow.

But on any other day, that could have been me. With the remote control cars. Childish, fat, lecherous cunt. Perving at a young girl watching one young woman. Well, guys, that brings us to the end of the hour. Is there anything more either of you would like to add before we sail off into the distance? I could sit here and listen to Moon's showbiz stories forever.

Yes, look at us. We'll have to have you back, Moon. I'd like to come back. We'd love to have you back. I can tell you, you know, I've gone the kind of really warts and all today. That's good. And I hope it doesn't put the listener off. I hope people don't think that's it.

The listener. We've got more than one. After today, I think we'll have plenty. Yeah, good. Well, give us some feedback. What do you think about my sad tales of war? No, we've got more than one. After today, I think we'll have plenty. Yeah, good. Well, give us some feedback. What do you think about my sad tales of war? Lawrence Mooney, please.

Follow Lawrence Mooney on Twitter. What are you, at Lawrence Mooney? It's Lawrence Mooney. Yeah, you're there on Twitter. Yep, Lawrence Mooney. At Lawrence Mooney. Yep. And that's the other thing that shits me. I look at I look at other people's, like, followers and they've got 70,000.

Yeah. I'm on more. What are you on? You've got a few. You've got a few, yeah. About 900 plus. Oh, ooh. See, that's good.

That's good numbers. That's all right. Yeah. Since, you know, you actually made me. I opened a Twitter account. You made me. You made me. No, we were at lunch.

Yeah, yeah. You couldn't come because you had to, I don't know. I wasn't invited or something like that. Work in the library. I had to work. Yeah. What was your job? What was more important than coming to lunch?

I think I was temping at the time. Oh. Counting envelopes better than sucking juice. Miss Daslow, could you come in here, please? No, he's got another different name when he works at a temp agency. Have you? Yeah. Bunny Brooks.

Mr. Moneypenny, I think it is. Yeah. Do you cross-dress when you're temping? Is that a really sexist thing to say? That's showbiz. Are you working for the Disney Corporation? I was working for the Disney Corporation. He was actually a cafe van. Come in here, Tommy.

Sit down. Yeah, cafe van. I had to wait at some tables and then... Oh, I'm fat. Killed his career rather than his... Alright, look, let's wrap this up, guys. I have got to go and get on my motorcycle and I'm starting to get the fear.

Lawrence Mooney, Thursday, November the 20-something. Is it Soft Belly Comedy? That's Soft Belly Comedy. Check that out. 25th. Thursday, 25th. Anyway, thanks for listening for another week. We'll be back here next time.

Thanks very much, Lawrence Mooney, for joining us. Lawrence Mooney, everyone. And we'll see you later. See you, mate. See you, mate. See you, mate.