The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 52 - Heath Franklin

Episode Date: September 27, 2011

Chophouse, Shame Showers and Velcro Shoes. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey mates, welcome into the Little Dum Dum Club for another week. My name is Tommy Dasolo. Sitting opposite me is my co-host Carl Chandler. G'day dickhead. Today on the show we've got a great guest for you. You may know him from the Ronnie John's Half Hour. You may know him from his live shows as Chopper. Please welcome into the little dum-dum club, Heath Franklin.

Yay! Hello. Welcome aboard. Oh, it's good to be aboard. It's nice. It's good to have you on board. Now, let's say this. Me and Carl don't know you very well, so this is going to be like a sort of getting to know

you session. Yeah, yeah. Sounds good. I'm glad I didn't wear pants. Is there anything you'd like us to know about you before we start? Not really. I'm better than you think I am. I don't know.

I think you're really good though. Oh, in that case, no, I'm well below expectations. But when you say better, do you mean as a performer, as a bloke, sexually? Like what are we talking here? Yeah, sexually is one of them. Okay. Pretty much, yeah. Yeah, I mean, I guess I'm just a sort of lovable, hyper-potent kind of guy.

We were talking on the lift on the way in. Because you live in Sydney? Yeah, well, yeah, sort of. Right. Yeah, no, I do. That's the short answer. Okay, well, that's it. Let's just skip to the next one.

Do you sleep there more often than you sleep in other places? No, it's about 50-50 at the moment, unfortunately, yeah. Right. Yes. Yeah, no, I do. That's the short answer. Okay, well, that's it. Let's just skip to the next one. Do you sleep there more often than you sleep in other places? No, it's about 50-50 at the moment, unfortunately, yeah. Right, because you tour a lot with Chopper. Yeah, tour a lot with Chopper and all sorts of odd corporate gigs and stuff like that. Yeah. Yeah. But you're down, we were saying you're down here at the moment in Melbourne. You said it to escape your family.

Escape is a strong word, depending on if they're listening or not. But yeah, no, I had a, not me, I didn't do very much of it, but my wife and I had a baby four and a half months ago or so. And yeah, I just thought I'd get a change of scene. I mean, my life since he was born is more or less wake up, walk the dog, look after the baby, watch television, go to sleep. That sounds like a dream. It does initially, but I've just been praying for an intervention of some sort, like a Donnie Darko style.

A cheap Jetstar flight to Melbourne and it came true. A Jetstar. Well, I was hoping it would crash somewhere. Is that what you mean when you said Donnie Darko style, a jet engine crashes under your house? An engine cow, just not our house, next door. We're still paying off our house. Right.

But yeah, next door, I don't know. They're chumps. I don't like them. So yeah, something like that. But it was just getting so tedious. And I find that when you're writing stuff and the only person you're hanging out with is yourself. And not to rubbish my son, but he's four months old and his conversation's not where i want it to be yeah sure um so yeah

it's just nice to speak to people and get some different ideas because it's it's if you're writing and the only person you speak to is yourself it's a little bit like eating your own shit after a while like it just comes out as shitty as shit you know what i mean so yeah yeah so i'm just down here to remix my life a little bit. Soak it in. You're just down here to write. So where do you write in Melbourne? Is there a?

Oh, you know, awkward places around public transport kind of thing. Really? Yeah, anywhere really. Yeah. Right. So you're just wandering around the city today? Yeah, yeah, pretty much. And, you know, with an empty coffee cup for some change as well.

Oh, nice. Yeah, yeah. Observing some people on particular routes of public transport in order to get a few chopperisms, I'd imagine. Is that part of the plan? Yeah. Well, to tell you the truth, Chopper's done. Really?

You've killed him off. No, not done like that. But he pretty much writes for himself these days. Yeah. You know, like you think of something, you decide whether you love it or you hate it, and then, you know, you kind of talk about it as Chopper. So, yeah, so that's not the one I'm necessarily worried about.

But, yeah. Well, can I ask this about Chopper? Now, this is, I'm not trying to be offensive or anything, but I guess I'm intrigued by this. So I've heard, you know, the real Chopper gets offended or whatever. Does he get offended by your character or there's something? I don't know if he's willing to admit that offended is in his kind of emotional spectrum. I think he kind of likes the world to think that he goes between sort of stabby and jovial,

you know, without too much stuff in between. Right. Because, I mean, and you probably, you would know this, but you hear the stories of, like, you would go to a town and sell out a show as Chopper, and then he would come in two months later and go, here's the real deal, and then no one turns up to it. Yeah, and I think a lot of that is to do with the fact that if you ever go and see his show, it's just kind of a lot of really

candid stories about kind of horrific, brutal acts of violence. Yeah. Basically. And then he cuts to a Q&A thing and then he'll sneak in a bit of racism here and there, which, you know, gets people off their chairs. And I might be wrong here. Tell me if I'm wrong.

But to me, you are not doing Chopper. You are doing Eric Banner's Chopper. So surely Eric Banner should be the one that's getting shitty and rolling his show into town and trying to get box office. Yeah, I would love that. I would love to be sued by Eric Banner. That could be great on a poster, as seen on the Rory Johns Half Hour, as sued by Eric

Banner. I'm currently in court with Eric Banner. Yeah, if the real chopper, maybe if he did Heath Franklin's Eric Banner's chopper, he could go full circle and actually put on a good show. Yeah. He needs to start impersonating. You know what would be amazing? All three of you, a sitcom where all three of you live in a house together.

That would be incredible. The Hollywood actor, the comedian, and then the real guy that they've both portrayed. And just call it The Choppers. Yeah. That's where Ben Elton went wrong instead of having that girl flat or whatever it was. Chop flat. Chop flat. There's three choppers. Yeah. That's where Ben Elton went wrong instead of having that girl flat or whatever it was. Chop flat.

Chop flat. There's three choppers in a room. Chop house. That'd be good. Chop house. That would have been amazing. That would be awesome. Yeah.

Just have like two funny choppers and then one horrible just trying to stab you with a cut up can or something. Just a maniac. Anytime there's any kind of burgeoning chemistry, just the real chopper stack is in with a severed piece of something rotting just to try to derail the whole vibe. But that's the other thing. I've seen him before, and I guess you're responsible for this,

but people go, oh, they see you and laugh and go, oh, it's Gino Chopper, ha, ha, ha, and like the movie, Chopper, oh, it's all funny. And then they go and see the real one thinking it's going to be a laugh a minute. And I've seen him do a show and it's just a story about, you know, breaking a bottle and sticking it up someone, up his cellmate's ass. Yeah, I could imagine there'd be a lot of people in Chopper shows just looking longingly towards the exit, just like, oh, it's just over there. I wonder if he'll see me.

But that's the thing with everything, you know, that's out there about him. It's like it's become pretty easy to forget that he went to jail for a long time for killing people, you know? That's the bizarre thing. Oh, yeah, yeah, no, and he's an unhinged dude. Yeah. I'm pretty sure he's not a podcast kind of guy,

so I'm just going to lay it out on the line. Yeah, we'll be fine. Have you met him? Yeah, I did meet him once. One of those really awesome men's magazines, you know, the ones that realign men's expectations of what sort of women they should and shouldn't be dating. Yeah.

The one sitting at the front of the 7-Elevens with maybe a free flavored milk offer attached. Yeah, yeah, usually. Or some sort of hilarious kind of, I don't know, gimmicky apron with breasts on it or something like that. You know, girl with big breasts, turn the page, shark injury, that kind of thing. Yes! I do love the shark injury, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Or some sort of, you know, this is my mate Daco and he ate a speedboat once or whatever it is. Classic Daco. Save that for a storyline for Chop House. Yeah, put it in the bank. But yeah, they got us together for a photo shoot, and it was just really awkward. Everyone was like, oh, were you scared?

Like, not really scared because there were a lot of other people around. And I take it you're in the costume, of course, for this. Oh, yeah, and I've never felt more like a dick. Sure, yeah. Because it is, I mean, it's really. Because the costume's a bit over the top too. So it's like, this is what I think you look like. He's a bit of a dickhead.

Yeah, yeah. And so he's got all these real tattoos, no doubt hacked into his arm by some prison dude with a razor blade and a broken biro. And, you know, mine are actually textile. And he's got some real stab wounds and missing teeth and no ears, and I'm like, oh. You're wearing a $2 fake moustache that you've got from hot potatoes 20 minutes before.

Yeah, yeah, just furiously glued some pubes onto my face and an eggshell blue collared shirt. And, yeah, I mean, I just feel like an imposter. You are an imposter. I'm an imperson shirt. And, yeah, I mean, I just feel like an imposter. You are an imposter. I'm an impersonator. Sure, sure, sure. It's a finely crafted art form. I like that the people are saying, oh, were you scared?

Like the real chopper was going, finally my chance to kill him when there's dozens of cameras around. The perfect crime. Well, you're saying he gets frustrated because, you know, you do your show of him and then he rolls up and tries to do the real version and he can't. And me and Carl understand that frustration because there is a Taiwanese version of Little Dum Dum Club that is massive and then we go over there and try

and do gigs and no one bloody turns up. So I feel his pain. Why are they kicking ass? I don't know. They're pretending to be us. Two Taiwanese dudes pretending to be us and they're killing it. It's more the ping pong club rather than the dum-dum club. The little ping pong club.

There's another storyline for Chop House. I've got some. Oh, no, you're going to go? I just got more on the chopper thing. So I think we ask variations of this question to a lot of our guests. But your show in particular, I imagine you would have run-ins with some interesting hecklers and audience members post-show. I mean, you must have a veritable pick and mix bag full of that kind of gear.

Yeah, I mean, there are some shows where you have audience members that are great. They're wonderful. They know what's going on. They know it's a joke. And if you say, do you know what you should do after the show? You should go and kill someone. They're like, yes, no, I understand that that's not exactly the case. Other people just don't get it at all.

And those are the shows that I refer to as IQ-based income redistribution. It's kind of like the natural selection of money. Something that the real chopper says a lot, I imagine. Yeah, yeah. Did you ever have a thing where you, like early on before, you know, before the character sort of, you know, became widely known as a character, did you have people turn up to the shows thinking it was the chopper? Was there confusion, do you think? Yeah, there's been a bit of that.

Because I've noticed now, I've noticed in the evolution of you doing these shows is that it's now very clearly Heath Franklin's chopper. Whereas early days, I think it was just, it was just chopper. Yeah, I think that was a little bit of my ego crying out for help as well. I was like, that chopper guy's awesome. And then I'd be like, I'm that chopper guy. No, the chopper guy's awesome. You suck. And I'm like, well, I'll prove it to you, bitch.

So, yeah, there was a little bit of that. But, yeah, it was all sort of differentiated. Because, I mean, imagine if you came, like, you wanted a good night out. You just wanted to hear a really maligned 50 something year old man telling stories about you know cutting things off people who are probably crying or whatever and then you turn up to a comedy show and some guys written jokes and you know made powerpoint it would ruin your night I can't really think of anything worse. Because you're a bit of a little cottage industry.

I guess you get to tour all the time and, you know, it's very popular. Is there any chance of spawning any, you know, lookalike sort of ideas? Like is there any Neville Bartos impersonator shows coming up or anything like that? Yes. Actually, Neville's one of those things that everyone's like, where's Neville? In fact, tying it back in with the kind of the certain breed of people who don't get it, that's probably one of the things I get the most.

Where's Neville? You know, as if I'm like, oh, yeah, hang on. Put on some music, quick costume change, come back out, you know, rip out five minutes. Panto style, where's Neville, everyone? He's behind you, Chopper. That would be pretty incredible. It would be good, but I'm just one man, unfortunately. What about this?

All right, I'll talk about this. I have, now you're married. You're married, Heath, yeah? And little Tommy, you've got a girlfriend. I'll put this on the line. We have, me and my girlfriend, we sort of have like cutesy names and stuff for each other. This probably sounds pretty-

Oh, what a thrilling glimpse behind the curtain this is. Behind the iron curtain. But we don't have like, we won't have like one thing that we don't say, oh, schnookums or whatever it is. Yeah. But we will say just really stupid you know sort of on purposely really stupid things that just change all the time like it won't be thought through it'll be just like you know uh and you know it'll sound quite insulting you know

some of the times it'll be like you know i love you cactus neck or you know we we do the same thing actually right i think two of the ones that I remember is I once called, well, we weren't married at the time, but I called her Fighting Giant Giant Uruk-hai. Yeah. Was her pet name. And then there was Tax-Free Junta as well. Oh, very good. Yeah.

How's your day been, Tax-Free Junta? Yeah. Yeah, well, that'll be, you'll put in a really, you know, mushy voice and whatever and be like, you know, I love you, leopard throat or whatever. This just sounds like you're giving her nicknames off the Mary Burrows you've been talking about on the show. That's it. That's it.

So anyway, it got to a point, I'm just always trying to randomly think of stupid things to call her and pretend it's loving. And I said, I got onto the thing of instead of giving her outlandish names, I would just get her name just a bit wrong, which really annoyed her a lot more than being called Leopard Throat or whatever. So her name's Diane. So I'd be calling, I'd be like, I love you, Diana. And she'd be like, shut the fuck up. Or, you know, I love you, Diane.

And, you know, stuff like that. And she would just go mental. And then I'd just, I'd keep doing stuff like that. And how far did you go with it? Did it get to a point where it was like, I love you, Dam she would just go mental. And then I'd keep doing stuff like that. And how far did you go with it? Did it get to a point where it was like, I love you, Damien? No, no. You're going that far? Well, this is it.

Then I got to, I'd say, oh, I love you, Debra. I love you, Debbie. Love you, Debbie, like this sort of thing. And she'd go mental. And then she would just go, instead of thinking something good in return for Carl or anything like that, she would just say the same thing back. And I'd be like, oh, yeah, good one. Except she lasted longer than me.

So she just has still continued to call me Debbie and Deborah flat out and she does it in public now as well. So I will be in public and she'd be like, hey, Debbie, come back here, Debbie. I can't think of a more emasculating name than being called Debbie in public. People must just be looking at you thinking that she's not your girlfriend, I can't think of a more emasculating name than being called Debbie in public. Debbie, yeah, in public. People must just be looking at you thinking that she's not your girlfriend, that she's like your carer or something, you know? Yeah, it's, well, I don't know.

I don't know what you could possibly think. Like, I'm picturing you, you know, like in the first Ace Ventura movie when they check him into the mental home and he's got the tutu on and his hair all spiked up. I'm just picturing you running around Chadston like that and her going, come on, Debbie. Yeah, yeah. And not only that, but she, as I've sort of covered before on the show before, she's want to get a word or get a phrase

or something and just start singing it without really thinking about it. So we'll be in public, she'll be like, Debbie, Debbie, Deborah, Deborah, like this without thinking. I'm like, oh, this is... Yeah, I've created the monster. I know it's my fault, but... This turned into like a Jerry Springer episode. That's like a classic thing that would come up on there.

You've just got to reclaim it, though, don't you? Yeah, I guess so. Just call me Debs. Jesus, we're out in public. Yeah, Debo. Call me Debs. You know what you should do? You should storm into your house one day,

slam down the change of name certificate that you've gotten by deed poll and go, who's laughing now, huh? Debbie, but do people even call their kids Debbie anymore? Or legally change her name to Craig. Craig. Yeah, but I don't think I'd win out of that situation, having a girlfriend called Craig. Here's my girlfriend, Craig.

And I can prove it Yeah, okay, yeah Me and my girlfriend don't have that We don't have the nicknames No, we do Yeah, we just call each other animal Like I call her Rabbit But that's based on my dad

Based on your dad, well you called your dad Rabbit So you thought you'd call your girlfriend the same thing That's based on my dad accidentally calling her Rabbit When he first met her And I went bang, there you go you'd call your girlfriend the same thing. That's based on my dad accidentally calling her rabbit when he first met her. And I went, bang, there you go. That's your nickname. There it is. Instead of?

What was the departure from? Her name's Alice. Oh, yeah. And he'd call her rabbit. Yeah, yeah. Is that like some subconscious Alice in Wonderland thing? Yeah. That's some sort of memory trick that he's had, obviously, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah. That's Edward de Bono going wrong. You were supposed to have Alice with a rabbit. Yeah, I, obviously, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. That's Edward de Bono going wrong. You were so sad Alice was a rabbit. Yeah, I guess it is something like that. What a rabbit. So then it just became, you know, like all the best kind of nicknames. I call her by her- Hey, Coops.

Oh, sorry. Thinking about Alice Cooper again. Sorry. Oh, there we go. That's her new one. Welcome to the nightmare. I call her- I got onto a little while ago calling her by her last name because

are you a fan of Friday Night Lights Heath? Did you watch that? The show Friday Night Lights? Oh, is it the one about American football? Yeah. I know of it but I can't claim to know much about it. The really cool guy in that Tim Riggins, that's his big thing is he calls all the girls he's with by their last names and I saw that and I thought

bang, that's going to be my new trick. You are very Riggins like so I can see how you've done that. I know people who haven't seen me, a picture of me who listen to this show. I mean, just picture that. Just picture him with this voice. And that's what it's like when I walk down the street. Tim Riggins, if your name was Tim Riggins though, you would do that third person, like talking to yourself in the third person thing, wouldn't you? Yeah.

Tim Riggins is here. Just Riggins. Hey, Tim Riggins. Murphy, you're coming with me. Tim Riggins is here. Just Riggins. Just Riggins. Hey, Tim Riggins. Murphy, you're coming with me. The Rigg. The Rigg is a great name. There would be some surnames that that would fail miserably with. I mean, I could imagine if you get your really standard Anglo names, you know, like Murphy and Jackson, like, come on, Jackson, here's my sweater, or whatever it is.

Or the double-barreled one. Yeah, but like- Hanson B. Smythe says this. Yeah, yeah. Well, there's that, there's that, uh, the longest name I've ever seen is like she's a head writer for Family Guy and her name is like Chevy, Chevron. Yes, I've seen that. For me to continue is horrible.

I have seen that. Yes. At any time her name comes up in the credits, it's like the size of the font shrinks by about, you guys talk amongst yourselves. I'm going to try and find that on Wikipedia right now because this needs to be discussed. Remember the credit on X-Files? I don't know if you ever saw this one. It would come up every week.

One of the writers or the producer's name was Chit-Chit Pounder? No, that's CCH Pounder. Oh. She's an actress. Is she? She's in The Shield, yeah. No, well, that sounded funnier in my head before you gave me facts. Isn't CCH the abbreviation for Christchurch, if you're catching an airplane?

You bag tag? That does happen. Is it? That's not interesting, but it's true. Yeah, but do you really say it, CCH? Because I thought that was actually a word, CCH. Like just. It was just spelled.

Yeah. I have seen her on talk shows and she gets introduced as CCH Pounder, but it does look great. Well, look that up too. Okay. I would have thought you wouldn't keep the Pounder bit. Like if her name was Christine Carlisle Harrison Pounder, why would you keep the Pounder? Why wouldn't you be like, I mean, maybe the rest of it is a shocker as well. Maybe it's like...

Well, why would you keep the CCH anyway? Why would you keep any bit of it? Especially because, I mean, it sort of sounds like an amalgam of cheese and quarter pounder. Cheeseburger and quarter pounder. I think everyone would think you'd have a stutter when they met you. Yeah. And then Pounder would arrive. I don't know.

I just think Pounder's a bad surname. Oh, so here we go. It's Carol Christine Hilaria Pounder. Oh, so it does stand for something. Why wouldn't you just go Carol Pounder? It sounds like an instruction. Halfway through that, in my head, a thought came in and went, you are currently answering your own question. Carol, comma, pounder.

I cannot find this long-named, I've resorted to putting in family guy long-named writer into Google just to see what that yields. I'm positive her first name is Cherry, and I think it's C-H-E-V after that. I think I found it. There's an article on here specifically, Family Guy's only female writer is as hot as her name is long. Meet Cherry Cheva Pravat Dumrong. Dumrong?

Dumrong. Cheva Pravat Dumrong. Wow, that is brave. That is brave to become a comedy writer with a name like that. So, yeah, Tim Riggins, I can imagine, would just snap that one out. Yeah. In a kind of Fonzie way as he walked off to bedder. Yeah, yeah. I suppose she couldn't become like a pro female soccer player

and you couldn't have that on the back of your shirt maybe. Here's your second and third jersey. If you could put on heaps of weight, that would be really, really good. Why don't you be more like CCH over here? Oh, mate, sure, sure. So I want to bring this up, guys. I have crossed something of a milestone in my life. This is something that used to get spoken about on the program a little bit

but has sort of since dwindled off in recent episodes. I have talked a bit about how I have a bit of a dodgy stomach. I get sick very easily and not to showboat and not to bring the tone down too dramatically, but last night in the evening for the first time in my life, I shat myself in public. Really? Yep. I had the first, there have been many near misses about, which I've spoken about on the

show before. And yeah, it happened. I was 10 minutes away from my house. I was on my way to meet a friend and then I felt, you know, something was going to go on and I thought, oh, I'm a bit too far away from any kind of public situation. I'm just going to have to leg it home and, yeah, and didn't quite make it and then had to go home and have a shame shower before I went out to meet my friend.

Do you find there's a very specific walking pace you need to adopt so you don't crap yourself? Do I ever? It's somewhere between because I find if you run, you're going to upset it more, but you want to keep the speed. That should be like if I was a professional Olympic speed walker, that would be my thing. I would just eat heaps of curries and dodgy food the night before the race

because that is like you find that you reach optimum speed without breaking into a run. Carl is just looking at me like. What did you eat? Because I know what I've eaten before. Here is the thing, right? Here is the thing about how unpredictable my gut is. Listeners will know I've just recently survived a week in Bali.

And let me tell you, I did not hold back. I was eating as much spicy stuff as I could get my hand on. Because we were just talking about this before the show, but you are a very brittle little specimen. You weren't ordering a Coke because you thought you were going to break out in hives. It does. You were looking at a meal I was eating thinking that that was going to put you in traction. What's wrong with your body?

I don't know. But this is the weird thing about it. I've survived a week in Bali. I cut loose, right? I had a lot of spice. I was having ice creams. I thought, you know, and everyone says over here you're going to get sick. That's the test of a true body, eating ice cream.

But dairy is one of the things that particularly puts me in a world of hurt. And then survived that a whole week in Bali without any incident whatsoever. I come home. You know what I had? I had a bit of fettuccine with some chopped up tomatoes on it. Fifteen minutes later, I'm bloody shitting myself out the front of the commission flat in my house. Where's the justice? So that's a sweet place to do it because you probably went pretty unnoticed then.

Thankfully. Someone probably walked past you and went, can I get something like your on my head or what's going on? Well, that would have been the final insult if someone going into the commission flat had seen me and gone, clean yourself up, man. Yeah, there goes the neighbourhood. Heath, what you just said to me about picking up the pace, are you someone that to me spoke of some kind of personal experience

with what I'm talking about? Do you get sick easy? I like to live on the edge of the menu. Yeah, okay. Yeah, no, I mean, I'll eat damn near anything. That's the thing about what we do, I guess, perform and go to gigs and stuff like that. You've got a bit of different dietary sort of habit than normal people.

You're eating out a lot. Yeah. Yeah, especially, like, when you're touring country towns and stuff and you need something to eat after a show and the only option is kind of pizza or like hamburgers. Yep. And you just find yourself eating two minute noodles for like the 56th time in a row. And that's when your intestines are like, yeah, no, I did this last night, did it the

night before. So I'm not just, I'm just not going to digest it tonight. Oh, right. Yeah. If this is how you're going to treat me, then we'll see about that. Grab a fork at the other end and you know, do what you want. Chopper doesn't have a rider? No, Chopper doesn't have a rider.

Oh, that's disappointing. The people that don't like Chopper out there will be keen to hear that I'm lactose intolerant. So, you know, after going around telling people to harden the fuck up. Oh, really? Have a yogurt and all of a sudden I've got the liquid sit down. Yeah, that's it. Chopper's kryptonite, eh? 18 shanks to the abdomen.

One small container of milk. A little banana BM and that'll do it. So are you just driving around seeing Big M's billboards for the Chocberry being back and going, no! Oh, see, I've been off milk for a long time, so I, yeah, you know. If I had some sort of banana-flavoured goat's milk, I'd be like, damn, that's a time capsule. See, I'm not lactose intolerant.

Dairy does definitely make things more complicated for me, makes things worse. But people have said to me I should go to a doctor and I should do those things where you just withdraw things from your diet and then slowly you work out, just through process of elimination, what is making you so sick. And I kind of don't want to do that because I like everything that I eat. And I've sort of just – people go, but then you won't so sick. And I kind of don't want to do that because I like everything that I eat, you know? And I've sort of just, people go, but then you won't get sick. But I've just kind of learned, with the exception of last night, I've learned to live with it,

you know? Like, it's, you know, like how there's, you know how there's like junkies and alcoholics that still hold down jobs? Like there's like functioning alcoholics. I'm like that, except I can ride a bike while I have diarrhea. Like I've just, you know, people were saying to me before I went to Bali, they're like, oh man, you're going to get so sick. You're going to, you know, be shitting yourself all the time with the food over there. I went, well, so what?

It's just going to be the business as usual tour for me. Like it's not going to matter. I'm not going to make a difference at all. Um, but yeah. What do you eat over there? What did I eat? Yeah. Is it, is it, is it that bad or different?

Just a lot of spicy stuff. I think, I think that stuff's easier to deal with than a lot of the horrible crap you can get over here. Yeah. I mean, I'm just saying that because that's what people said to me before I went. People said, you will get- That's one of those things people love, though. You know, the same people who yell out taxi in a pub when a glass drops. The same people are like, where you going, mate?

Bro, are you going to poop yourself inside out, mate? No, maybe not, mate. I'd love it if someone got that- Freshly prepared cuisine with some lavender grass and some galangal, and I think it'll all be quite nice. No, mate, you're going to poop yourself. I love the bogan that got that mixed up where someone drops a glass and they're like, diarrhea.

Bully belly, mate. I'm going to Bali. You going to get a taxi there? Oh, I fucked it. Yeah. No, I drove here. What are you calling me a taxi for? I'm going to have to come back in the morning and pick my car up.

This is not helpful at all. Sure, taxis in Bali are cheaper, but with the swim, I guess, I don't know. What about, do you want to do this, Tommy, where we've been having a bit of a regular thing on the show where we invited people to spread our names through history on Wikipedia, our show, Little Dumb Dumb Club. So people have taken little bits and pieces of us and vandalised Wikipedia, changed history. You guys should throw your hat in the ring because at the moment,

Baron von Richthofen, the Red Baron, no one quite knows who killed him. So you guys should throw your hat in the ring. Oh, right. That's a good suggestion. Listeners, get on it. Bit of Jack the Ripper, maybe. Baron, is no one quite knows who killed him. So you guys should throw your hands up. Oh, right. That's a good suggestion. Listeners, get on it. Bit of Jack the Ripper, maybe? Yeah, yeah. JFK?

I think you'd be better off sneaking yourselves in as maybe murdered whores in the Jack the Ripper scenario. This is all going to turn up on our Facebook page within a day of this going up, I dare say. If Jack the Ripper was a conspiracy and people have to call it Jacks the Rippers or something, just completely ruin the syntax of history, that'd be kind of cool. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Give it a second. I like that. I don't want to point the finger, but I think you guys could probably, between you, like Beat and Mame, a night worker somewhere in the dark alley? I think between the two of us. I mean, Carl would be doing a lot of the work.

I'd be tweeting about it while he was doing it. He's got it lurking behind his eyes. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm built for it. That kind of bloodlust. What are the latest ones that have snuck onto Wikipedia? This is a very random one.

I can't quite see the top of this one, but this is a pretty random one. On the Wikipedia page for relative directions, someone's looked up relative directions, which is a pretty easy one to vandalize because I don't think anyone else knew that that page existed. What is it? Is it like the most tedious BBC sitcom you've ever heard? No, no, no. Just whatever relative directions are, just the whole thing of right and left and up and down and things like that, I believe. Like, you know, north, south, east and west

and we're just in there. So the quote is, probably the most famous case of bad directions was given to Australia's favourite dickhead, Carl Chandler, to his little mate Tommy Daslow, as he is now known after abandoning his slave name, Allsop. Carl's terrible directions caused Tommy to eat at every burger outlet in Australia and subsequently his death of a coronary embolism.

It was all true until the very end. See that? I was going to argue that before that bit about my death at the end, Wikipedia wouldn't be able to take that down because that did happen. You did give me bad directions. And as a result, I did end up eating at every burger restaurant on King Street in Newtown. I don't know if they can, they'd probably have to verify if I was really Australia's favorite dickhead because they've capitalized that as well, which.

And we've just had the census and everything. Jesus. Imagine if that question had stuck in. Who's your favorite dickhead? We'll just rank them. Top five. Yeah. I'd that question had stuck in. Who's your favourite dickhead? We'll just rank them. Top five. Yeah, I'd be in top five, surely, if they had just softened that a little bit. It seems like the kind of poll that would be taking place in the magazine that took

a photo of you and Chopper. Oh, yeah. Yeah. They would have already made their minds up. Yeah, that'd be their big feature article. Probably Warnie. Who would be Australia's favourite dickhead? What about...

Because that's such a weird term, I guess, to be... Who's your favourite? Least favourite. Yeah. What about on the other... Yeah, favourite dickhead's a little bit like having a choice of rapist or something. It just... Yeah.

I don't know if that's... Yeah. Not quite that extreme, but yes. Again, I think I saw that just after the shark attack, I think, in that magazine. Again, I think I saw that just after the shark attack, I think, in that magazine. What about, weren't we listed on the Wikipedia page for the band Ice House? That's right. Weren't we playing Triangle and Bloody Trombone or something?

Session Musicians for the Man of Colours album. Yes, exactly. Oh, ripper. We're in here under... Because they're making a bit of a comeback. Is there any way we could maybe sneak onto stage and go, mate, look, it's on Wiki, mate. Have a look. Light us up.

They're playing at Meredith, aren't they? Are they? They're playing at Meredith or home. They're doing some festivals. Meredith Music Festival, are they? Yeah. That's a... Let's get in there.

That's the last place they should be playing. What are they playing there for? I think there was a rumour that they were going to. The line-up has come out, but I can't remember if they're on it or not. We should get on that. I don't think they could be further away from the John Butler trio if they tried. You, that shows how little you know about both the Meredith Music Festival

and the John Butler trio, but anyway. Has John Butler written a new song lately, or is he still doing that one? One of the slide guitars. That one's still going. You know when he tells you how to think about stuff with his American accent? He is still playing a solo that he started in 2001, opening for Powder Fingers. I used to talk to, you know, I don't want to, you know,

try and make myself look too good, but I used to talk to a lot of people on forums on the internet. And there was this girl I used to talk to in San Francisco, and she was like, yeah, is John Butler big in your country? And I'm like, yeah, he's like number one at the moment. And I went, he's shit. He used to be homeless and like beg money off me and he was like a really bad guitar player.

And we'd all go, oh God. And then he left for Australia. We're like, see ya. And now he's number one in your country. Is that how bad music is in your country? And I had to sort of go, yeah. Pretty much actually. No defense for that.

If it's between him and Powderfinger. Back on the Wikipedia thing, someone has put us on to the Wikipedia entry for stage name. Oh, right. Where they're a motivation to use a stage name. There's about a paragraph there. And then infamous girly-voiced comedian and bakery historian Tommy Dasolo is widely known to have created his stage name from the generic all-stop to the more Italian-sounding Dasolo

in order to obtain a part in the Australian film sequel Wogboy 3, Dum Dum Monaro. He also holds an additional stage name, that of Peter Walsall, an avant-garde transsexual cabaret artist. Now, a lot of creative licence has been taken with that entry. I mean, the bare bones of what you've said is semi-accurate, but, jeez, you've really reached there. Now, Heath, I've just got to give you a bit of back history.

Tommy Daslow, that's not his real name. Now, this is not the first time on the show we've brought this up, but Tommy Daslow, that's his stage name. That's before his first gig. He's just plucked Daslow out of the air. His name is Tommy Allsop. Thomas Allsop, if you're going by my passport. Better than Pounder.

Yeah, it is. That's a good point. Tommy Pounder. C-C-H Daslow. You should go for Tommy Pounder. That's good. You could open for Chopper. You could fight Rocky.

You could go for Tommy Pounder and come out and be like, do you know what chicks do? And people are like, I already know, but tell us anyway. Tommy H. Pounder. All right, yeah. Tommy Pounder sounds like Rocky's next battle. Tommy fucking Pounder. Tommy Pounder.

Yeah, Tommy Pounder. He's a street brawler, but God, he's got chutzpah. Yeah, exactly. And he'd be one of the rare white fighters that Rocky would fight, I reckon. He sounds like a white. Am I like an unhinged street brawler, but then in the boudoir when the lights go down, I'm all loving. Just as brutal, yeah.

Still punching the shit out of your opponent. Flat out. Okay, well, that's good. So this is a done deal. I'm in the new Chopper show. Is that it? I'm your little sidekick. You've got to change your name.

Tommy Pounder. Do I have to do it by deed poll? You have to do a double act with Neville Bartos. Yeah, you have to be Neville Bartos when he's called for. Okay, sure. All right. That'd be good. Yeah, you can have all the characters now.

That's good. How's that for like, that's like a weird, you're saying if someone had a gig in your show that was just, if the audience yells out for Neville Bartos, you have to come out. But if they don't, you don't. That's like a weird understudy thing where it's like you may not need to, you know what I mean? Chopper bingo where there's different characters for the different numbers. That would be

good. Yeah. Now you've got new characters. Now your new show is, is it not Chopper at all? Is it a bit of Chopper? No, there's going to be some Chopper in there. Just in case you know, as I say, people turn up and they say it's not Chopper and they're like, what is this about?

Right. Say, say fuck, man. Is there still some other characters that maybe stab people a bit just so in case they get a bit homesick for Chopper? That's too far of a stretch? Possibly. I haven't even considered how I'm going to deal, like, because I do get hecklers at Chopper, like people think.

They drink a lot and I think it's a conversation. What's the best thing someone's yelled at you at a Chopper show? I hate your shoes, you cunt. Yes! What I also loved about that was the zero seconds of hesitation at you responding to that. What I want to know is what was the comeback? Oh, like I hadn't even got to the center of it.

Like lights up, walking out, this really drunk guy stands up and goes, I hate your shoe, you cunt. And that was after I'd had weeks and weeks of just drunk people ruining the show. And so I had him ejected straight away. Right. Yeah, so he spent about 40 bucks to have his opinion heard on my shoes. Wow. So that needs to go on the his opinion heard on my shoes. Wow. So that needs to go on the Heath Franklin wiki page now.

Yes. Do not mention the shoes or you will be immediately ejected. You can do it. Just do it in a slightly interesting way. I don't know. Maybe you made a good point. I don't know. Well, that's what I want to know.

What shoes were you wearing? Dunlop K26s. Oh, yeah. The old Velcro jobs. I don't blame him. Jeez. Good call. Jesus.

I should track him down and apologize. The most offensive shoe of all. Well, they could have been going to get them on. That's like, those Dunlops, they're like the N-word of shoes. I feel like they're slippers parading as sneakers. That's what I like about them. The Velcro Dunlops, yeah. It's like wearing a warm child.

Are they very chopper? Are they chopper-esque? Yeah, I guess so. I don't know what the real chopper wears anyway, but it doesn't sound... I think you would stab someone with... I don't know. I reckon Dunlops would probably take too much blood seeping into their canvas. Wouldn't it be funny if they found they're always trying to find an easy way to psychologically

profile people who are inclined to become serial killers? Wouldn't it be funny if through this show someone just busted open that every serial killer, everyone who's ever killed someone ever has always worn the same shoe? Do you know what I mean? And then it's just like- Yeah, just the necessity. Well, that's not even a word. Necessity for Velcro.

Yeah. They're like, yeah. Anyone that's- Jeffrey Dahmer or someone. From now on, anyone who buys a certain pair of Adidas, they go on the register. They've just got one of those security tags on each shoe. Yeah. Every time they go out the door.

You could probably flag someone as a sex offender if they bought rugby league boots, couldn't you? Don't get me wrong. I enjoy rugby league and kind of as a sex offender if they bought rugby league boots, couldn't you? Yeah. Don't get me wrong. I enjoy rugby league and kind of... And sex offending. That's why we're friends. Less advanced forms of sexual assault. But, you know.

Well, guys, that brings us to the end of the program for another week. Heath Franklin, thank you so much for joining us in the little dum-dum clubhouse. It's been a right pleasure. And it's been delightful to get to know you a little bit better. I was trying to be sincere there, but I feel like it came out like I was taking the piss. It doesn't help when the guy you're saying it to goes, oh.

Yeah, exactly, exactly. So go check out Heath's show at the Melbourne Fringe, and then I presume you'll be touring it later in the next year sometime? No, no, the rest of Australia can jam it. Oh, right. Seriously, they can jam a stick in it. No, I, the rest of Australia can jam it. All right. Seriously, they can jam a stick in it. No, I'm taking Chopper to some mining towns after that. So if you're in the business of dragging shit out of the earth

and sending it to China, then you can probably track me down later in the year. Great. That'd be a sweet thing to have on your business card. That's good. Thanks so much for joining us for another week, guys. If you want to get in touch, littledumbdumbclub at gmail.com.

We're on Facebook, we're on Twitter, and we'll see you next time. See you, mate. See you, mate.