The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 53 - Celia Pacquola & Toby Truslove

Episode Date: October 4, 2011

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Hey mates, welcome into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. My name is Tommy Dasolo, sitting in opposite me is my co-host Carl Chandler. G'day dickhead. This will be a bit of an interesting one. We are recording this the day after the 2011 Toyota AFL Grand Final. Oh, sweet. Spons sponsorship clanging happening in there. Well, I feel like if they're going to put all the effort into giving the money to get the name in there, it is disrespectful of us to not give it its full title every time

we're sent to it. I hope you feel good about the fact that people are going to be listening to this on the train on the way home from work and they're going to be stopping, getting out at Moorabbin and going straight to their Toyota dealership and get themselves a Corolla thanks to that intro. They probably can't even afford it. They're going to be slapping down 25 large on a new family sedan. So why are you buying this car? Dasolo told me to do it.

Some woman on the radio said something. All righty. How are you feeling? I'm feeling all right. I'm feeling not 100%. Okay. So, yeah. So you've been, I guess with the grand final being on yesterday in the AFL, everyone sort

The grand final and the AFL at the same time. I'm trying to spell it out for the international listeners, Tommy, and for our Toyota sponsorship in Japan. So, I, like you, probably spent most of yesterday drinking and watching TV or whatever. Yes. This is something that I liked last night. I ended up at a really bad St Kilda pub, and there was a lot of people that had been in the same boat drinking all day.

And it got to... It's just, I think, like eight people just on a boat together, just all drinking. Yeah. I wonder how the footies go. Oh, hang on. We've got no reception out here. This is a terrible idea. We should have bought that Corolla like that woman said.

So there was these people that had been there all day drinking and they were right next to us and we were sitting right next to the door of this grotty, horrible pub. And I turned around and started listening to them because they were making a bit of noise and then they go, so is that it? Are we going to do it now? And they go, yeah, okay. And I'm like, what listening to them. They were making a bit of noise. And then they go, so is that it? Are we going to do it now? And they go, yeah, okay. And I'm like, what are they going to do? And all of a sudden, one by one, there was five people, five guys,

just started cartwheeling out the door. Like, they were leaving the pub. So they were handstand cartwheeling out the door, like headfirst through the doors, like a Western sort of a, you know, flingy doors. What do you call those things? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, whatever they are.

They were just head first going right, one by one, just going bang, bang, and like falling on the ground outside, these five people cartwheeling. And then the bouncer or the owner of the bar jumped the bar to go out and go, ah, and the funny thing was I watched him. When he got out there, he went, there's nothing I can do. They've already done what I was going to do. You get out of here again. Yeah, yeah.

And not only that, it's the same way. They literally threw themselves out the bar. They actually head-butted the door and the ground on the way out. So he got out there and went, yeah, well, all right then. And then just walked back in. You come back in here and then you get out and turn around again. If you want more of that, come back here and do it to yourself, I guess. That is strange, the cartwheeling thing, though.

Do you think they were down for the weekend from clown college or something? Or what's that about? I don't know what that was. Just a weird flash mob style thing. A really drunk Cirque du Soleil end of season party. I had a bit of a classic grand final day where I just drank and ate all day with never any consideration of stopping either. I would have a beer and then I'd have a hot dog.

I left the party I was at at one point to go and get McDonald's, came back, had another cider. And I was working because it's daylight savings now and your iPhone kind of automatically updates itself through the internet or whatever. I was walking home and I thought that I'd had a blackout. I couldn't work out where that hour of time had gone because I've never had a blackout or anything before and I was getting really freaked out.

I'm like, why have I been at McDonald's for so long? What have I done? What's happened? Have they probed me? What is this? What's this feeling in my guts? I've eaten 20 nuggets and I've got no memory of it. Well, the anal probe probably feels about the same as going to McDonald's anyway.

Good thing they're not a sponsor. Yep. All right, let's get into it. We have two guests in the studio today. Trying not to laugh at how funny we've been so far in the background. Doing a sterling job. The roles that most people were born to play. Just didn't want to laugh before, you know, just to surprise people.

We're not used to being laughed at either, so we were probably surprised thus. That voice that you just heard, you may know him from Thank God You're Here and Late. It's Toby Truslove. Yeah! Welcome aboard. Thanks, guys. You were expressing some concern at being on episode 53. You didn't feel like that was a good enough number?

I thought it wasn't. Yeah, it's not auspicious. What would you rather be? I would have liked 50 would have been good. Or 60. No, I think or 100. 50 or 100. You think you're deserving of the 50s or 100s, do you?

One 50 or 100 I would have taken. When you say you'd rather be on number 100, does that just mean you'd rather have not done this for a while? For another 50 weeks. If at all possible, I'd like a year between when I had to do it. I think I would be a good guest for the very final episode of all time. Stretched out. I would like to be the nail in the coffin of this show, please.

It's good to have you on here because you've got a great radio voice, I was thinking yesterday when we were hanging out. You've got some good timber going on there. voice, I was thinking yesterday. You've got a really... You've got some good timber going on there. Yeah, I do. See, now I'm thinking about it. Take it down. Fantastic stuff. Okay, coming back after the break

and we've got Hootie the Blowfish. Fantastic. Hootie. What about a bit of traffic report? Give us a bit of traffic report gear. Can you do the sound of the choppers? Oh, can I? Maybe I can. Do you ever?

Let me see. If I can find someone on YouTube, I'll be able to bring it in. We've got farts. Yeah. What else have you got on that board? Let's see. Let's see. I mean, if you can't do it.

It's going to be less interesting. Yeah. If you can't do it without the chopper sound effect, I dare say that you're not really... Special effects are more of a hundredth episode sort of thing. Fuck, this is what I'm talking about. Yeah, okay, hang on. What have we got? Oh, that's not it at all.

Okay, here we go. I reckon this might be it. I reckon this is not going to be a helicopter at all. Oh, there we go. Traffic over the West Bank is banked up from here out to Bankstown. Is that a real place? It is. Okay.

Banked up. We've got a three-car pileup. And the job is crashing. Someone's turned it up. Switch it on, Stu. We're going down. We're good everywhere. If you want to cut the live feed at the moment, that would be good,

because that's actually going out across the world. I can't believe we wasted the helicopter sound event on that. Within three words, on the West Bank Bridge. Yeah, yeah. Apparently. And just as a little bit of trivia, at the end of that helicopter sound event thing on YouTube, it's recommended that we might want to look at amazing Japanese fake pool. I don't know how there's a crossover in those two markets, but anyway.

Are you trying to set a new dum-dum record for not introducing all of our guests today? Because, what, are you 20 minutes in? I'm wanting us to go into 20 more episodes before we bring our next guest in. All right, well, the other guest we have in here today, she has been on the show before. You will know her from Laid, Spicks and Specks, all sorts of things. She's just arrived here on a helicopter. Flew over the West Bank Bridge. Please welcome back

Celia Bakwala. Hello. Yes. No, I was fine just sitting and listening. I'm quite hungover. But it's exciting to be here, return guest. I keep expecting bloody Nick Cody to like abseil down, smash in the window. Chop her in. Toby, can you do Nick Cody to like abseil, smash in the window. Chopper in.

Toby, can you do Nick Cody? No. Yeah, Cody just flies in like that small plane that crashed into that Ferris wheel. Did you see that? That's out of control. Did you see that? It's like, anyway, it's not worth going into. It's like a boat hit a motorbike today. You know, like it's two things that should not have hit each other.

Yeah, exactly. today. It's two things that should not have hit each other. Yeah, exactly. You can't be more garish and don't hit me than being a wheel. It's not like I hit a bumper car.

It's not that incongruous. It's quite high as our planes. Exactly, and it's massive and brightly coloured and moving and lit and covered with people going, ah! Surely you'd see that and go, maybe we'll see it. I don't think they deliberately hit it. It was like, I'm going to aim for that. Look how bright that is.

So, guys, thank you for joining us here. It's lovely to have you both in. You, of course, people will know you from the TV, the television series, Laid. I'm glad you corrected yourself then and not used the horrible abbreviation that's creeping into the culture. Part of this new professionalism I'm trying to get into swing, I say whilst sweating from the hangover that I've got at the moment.

Before, when I went to clap when we introduced Celia, I went, oh, that hurts. That really did strain me. I hope nothing good happens today. I'm going to have to applaud it. So what can people expect from the second season? Can you let anything out of the bag or is it all meant to be very hush-hush? There's secrets, sure.

It's going to be more full on than the last time. Because I think the first series had a couple of normal episodes to build up. Like it started normal. Sure. And then it got a little bit weirder and it got a little bit weirder. Whereas this series starts really weird. So there's a lot of sex and death. There will definitely be complaints.

Any scenes of the two of you having sex under the Australian flag? Because that seems to be a really good way to raise the ire of the ABC viewers. If that gets a complaint, then Leight is certainly going to get complaints. Yeah, particularly you, Toby. Toby gets to do some pretty... Yeah. My arse out. I'm nude a to get complaints. Yeah, particularly you, Toby. Toby gets to do some pretty. Yeah. My ass out. I'm nude a lot again.

Yes. So no stunt ass? Can we confirm that it's all you? It's all me. It's all Trustlove. It's all Trustlove. 100% beef. Yeah, there's a lot of cock sock work. Oh, really?

I think that's even too kind a term. Cock sock? Yeah. Yeah. It's a really, it's the most un- They're little, so- They're little, aren't they? Only because of my tiny penis.

Oh, right. Sorry, I was implying something else completely. Yeah, there's different sizes. I'm extra small and I take it home and I wash it and put it in the dryer because of the weather. No, it's like, it is, it's a sock, a flesh-coloured sock, kind of, with a little drawstring. It's more like a gift bag, you know,

with a little drawstring at the top, and you put it over everything, and then you tie it up. It makes it look like a present. It makes it look like you're offering someone a little penis. A bag of frankincense. Do you walk around on set with that on? Yeah, yeah. Do you?

No, there's dresses. There's people that, you know, there's wardrobes sort of scouring around you, making sure that you're covered. Right. And they're very sort of, you know, they're very careful that you don't get embarrassed. I don't really get embarrassed, but more maybe for other people. But, yeah, so you wear this little thing so people can't see you.

Could you just get out there and go, no need for the sock. I'm fine. Yeah. You could. You could say that. But then they're like, yeah, well, we're not fine. Everyone else is very much not fine with that. What about the other stuff down there?

Does that have a bag to itself? No, it all goes in. It's cock and balls. It's a whole thing. It's a whole thing that all wraps up. The cock and balls suck. The cock and balls suck. Yeah, it's not quite, yeah.

The cock and balls hold all. It's a little, yeah. So that goes on. It's a pouch. It's a pouch. It's a pouch. Right. Yeah.

But it's ugly. I think it's more unattractive. You were saying, if anything, it draws more attention to you. Yeah, it's just like, why have you got something wrapped around your cock? It just looks like, with the drawstring, little bow on top, it looks ridiculous. So where is it now? Do you get to keep it?

I'm wearing it now. It doesn't come off once it's on. I want to get one and just wear it around, like recreationally. Yeah. Sounds fun. In the first series, there was a scene where I jump into a shark tank with the cocks on. And it was really, really cold in the water. And everything started shriveling up.

And I was like, oh, there it goes. There we go. And the shark's looking at it going, no, thank you. I get it. Is there any bit, like, because some people talk about doing love scenes. Were you talking about the other week about when people get a little bit aroused on set and stuff like that? Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, a friend of mine had to do a rape scene in Blue Heelers and he told me that the producers told him before we film the rape scene, before you come in, you should probably, you know, take care of yourself because the worst thing that can happen when you're doing that is if you get aroused. So you weren't told? You weren't told or were they looking for you to be aroused maybe at some stage? Yeah, yeah.

I have to be aroused for it to look normal size. And they strap it down so it looks flaccid and then we go from there. Yeah. Sex scenes tend to be quite unromantic because there's sort of 30 people standing around going, can you move your arm a bit, your leg, your ass in the wrong spot. Okay, do that again from the other side. That's actually remarkably what my sex life is like.

That's a pretty accurate portrayal. Just invite people around and give advice. Yeah, sex by committee. Lift your ass up. You're doing it wrong. I need all the help I can get. I've got no idea what's going on. Cup of breasts, man.

Cup of breasts. Yeah, yeah. Just a few of my closest friends and colleagues. I've assembled a little peanut gallery that tell me what to do. Sure. Yeah, that's good. Peanut gallery. That sounds...

Wow. Very good. Carl, what That sounds, wow. Very good. Carl, what have you got going on? You mentioned, I said, have you got anything to talk about on the show? And you said, quote, fucking heaps. I wouldn't go that far. No, I was just thinking of like girlfriend stuff because you guys are together. And I was thinking of relationships and all of your little quirks and things. And I mean, I talked last week about, the other week,

about how my girlfriend has this bad habit of calling me Debbie and Deborah. Like, you know when you have pet names? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I was just listening to that. Do you guys have pet names or anything like that? Yeah, because you can't help but they just happen. They're really embarrassing and horrible and they always become like just a sound and it's humiliating.

We've got a few, because we went together, and they change a bit over time. Yeah, of course, yeah. The most consistent one is Groob. Groob, yeah. Which was because we were watching Doctor Who, I think, because we're just so cool. Cool.

And they were singing the song. Don't bring me down Groose. Yeah, we were like, is that the word? Groose. What the hell is Groose? Is it saying Groose? And so then that stuck as a nickname. Don't bring me down Groose. I thought you said Groob. Yeah, it became Groob. Oh no, because

predictive text turned into Groob. There you go, Groob. That's even more hilarious. For a while it was... Oh, it was Baskin, I love. It was even, it was almost more ridiculous because it was Moop for a while. Oh, yeah. Purely because when we first got together we had this conversation where we're going,

we're going to eventually end up with some ridiculous, stupid thing. Let's just hope it's not a bad one, not like schmoopsie pools. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so the other one went, and then we did it to piss each other off, and that stuck, so that was our own fault. That is a fairly common thing with pet names that end up sticking, is that they begin with annoyance. Yeah, it begins with you trying to be an arsehole,

and then that becomes a point of affection. And also dickhead. Yeah, cock breath, I call it. Hey, cocky. Cock breath. Or pouch breath. Yeah, I imagine the sock would have made its way into the rotation somewhere. Pouch breath. Or pouch breath mode. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I imagine the sock would have made its way into the rotation somewhere. Pouchy.

What are you still? Well, because that's what happened. That's what my girlfriend calls me, Debbie and Deborah, and all this sort of stuff out there. But what was cool is she's on tour at the moment because she's doing some work. She's Meatloaf. Yes. She's doing sound for Meatloaf.

So my girlfriend's on tour. She's doing a job going around, whatever. She does PR, and so she's managing someone, doing appearances and stuff. Anyway, she's had to be driving around with two or three people, and one of the people, one of the managers that she has to deal with has just been saying to her the whole time, and my girlfriend's name is Diane, and the whole time this woman is saying to her, yeah, Melissa, if you could go and get me a donut. And she's like, okay, but my name is slightly different to that.

It's Diane. She's like, yeah, no, all right, Melissa, if you can just grab that donut. Anyway, she said it just keeps happening. Like she said it six times, seven times in one day. And even the other people were going, her name's Diane. What are you talking about? How can you possibly mix that up? And she's like, it's just going over her head.

And then they stopped to eat somewhere and she goes, oh, okay. Look, Melissa, can you go get me a Diet Coke? And Diane said, my name, I don't know why you still think that. My name is Diane. And then she just started crying and she ran into a food court. What? Your girlfriend or the woman? No, the woman's running.

Oh, no explanation. She ran away. Maybe she's had a horrible experience with a Diane. She can't bring herself to say it. Maybe the word itself, maybe it's like Voldemort. Yeah. Maybe it's like Macbeth in whatever trade she does. You can't say it.

You can't say it. You can't say Diane. She was a big fan of the princess and just is just every time he mentions it. He doesn't come to grips with it. Too soon, too soon. Is that what you would say instead of the Scottish play? You'd say the dead princess? The dead princess, yeah. The dead princess.

Can you get me a Coke, please? I think you found your new nickname for your girlfriend. Hey, love you, dead princess, can you get me a Coke, please? I think you found your new nickname for your girlfriend. Hey, love you, dead princess. Sorry, I'm just really superstitious. I do like the idea of someone taking refuge in a food court. I just need to be surrounded by fish and chips and dinsies. Only Ali, what's that, Ali Barber's kebabs Oh yeah Yeah

One of those chains That's never made it out of the food court Yeah yeah It's just confined There seems to always be there But not enough That they can stand on their own Yeah it's like salsas

That burrito joint You only ever see them in food courts Yeah You never see them Out in the open Someone got my name wrong recently I've told you this Carl Someone called me Carl

Oh yeah Well I have a similar experience. Just then. It happened five seconds ago. Jimmy. Boy, what a nightmare this is. Someone called me Earl. And I believe it's someone within, well, loosely within comedy that makes me think that they

thought that I was Carl and got his name wrong. Because they'd be going, oh, he does that little podcast with him. And let's be fair. The man who said it to you was of coloured origin. So maybe he thought that all us whiteys had similar names. Is that what's happening? That is such a roll of the dice. I'd be very interested to see if this makes the final cut. I'm going to call the chopper in and get you out of here.

Yeah, that is it. Earl is, if you're going to take a punt, Earl is not a. No, exactly. John or Sam or something. I can't see how you could think that it wouldn't be him thinking that I was you. Why? Why would you just call me? It makes more sense to get Carl one letter wrong and go for Earl

than does it just pluck Earl out of thin air. I think you look like an Earl. I've been thinking about it and I would like to be an Earl. I've decided. It just makes me think of James Earl Jones. Oh, really? James Earl, yeah. Well, Daso has a very similar sounding voice.

Give us your best Darth Vader. No, I'm not doing that. Oh, that doesn't sound like anyone sounding voice. Give us your best Darth Vader. No, I'm not doing that. Oh, that doesn't sound like anyone like it. Give us your best Professor. Come on. Come on, give us a bit of Luke, I am your father. Luke, I am your sister. Luke, can I sell you some Girl Guide cookies?

Luke, help me on with my pinafore. Sorry. Do I still? No, I don't really need to do anything now, do I? We've had enough. Just quickly, was it clear, though? Like, was it like, oh, hello, Earl. Like, did he really say it a couple of times?

He said, no, no, he said. It could have been girl. It could have been girl. Are you glad you opened this up now? You feel better, don't you? Have we fixed the problem? Hey, you guys, I'm going to the food court. No, I think he said, it's Earl, isn't it?

I said, it is very much not. None of those letters are correct at all. Is it? That's funny. So you did correct him? Of course I corrected him. I didn't know. He asked. I did correct funny. So you did correct him? Of course I corrected him. Oh, I didn't know. He asked.

I did correct him. And what did you say? I said, no, it's Tommy. And he said, what did he say? He did say something quite funny. He said, no, that's what he goes. He goes, ah, well, you know, like, yeah, there's like lots of names and lots of people.

In the world. I do know that. Yes. Wait a second. I'm going to write this down. This is good. You've just described the human experience perfectly. That's not a – I love that that's an excuse.

That's what all of us deal with every day, and we still get by without just calling people Earl every five minutes. It was intimating that he meets lots of people so he can't be bothered getting names right? Statistically, the odds are good that there's an element. So many people. Yeah. There's like 26 letters.

They're all similar. Yeah. Whatever. Yeah. It was good. It was very good. It was not as bad as what happened to me on Friday, which we were talking about before. Oh, the horrible experience that scarred you.

Well, I mean, it's just made me realise That we really are living in a sick society, Carl We were meeting up in the city It was raining quite heavily on Friday night I had a bit of time to kill So I thought, I'm going to buy an umbrella Because I don't own an umbrella I thought, enough of this

I'm an adult now Enough walking, getting wet all the time I'm going to own an umbrella The first time in my life I like the idea of this is your exact thought process as you're walking along towards the chemist. I'm sick of this, getting wet all the time. I'm 25 years old.

I don't look it, but anyway. I like time to kill. I've got hours on my hand. I'm going to buy an umbrella, which will take about a minute. See, you're trying to lampoon me. That is the serious thought that went through my head. Yeah, you're an adult now. That's actually how it happened. Yeah, you're an adult now.

Yeah. I want to learn more of this. So I went in. I bought myself a nice $20 one. Had a really good kick to it, you know, when you push the button to pump it open. Like, it had a really good- Curvy handle. Curvy handle.

Like, nice finish on it. Some real grunt in it. Like, some real, really good design. I don't think it's supposed to have grunt in it. Well, you know. It shows how little you know about umbrellas. Cecilia. I'm not grown up enough yet. I'm still going to wear it.

$20, is that a good price for an umbrella? I have no idea about umbrellas. Yeah, I don't know either. Like, I thought... Did the salesman give you any sort of advice on what sort of brand, whether that was a good brand to use in the wet, maybe? A bit busy writing up a prescription for some old lady, but yeah. No, it was like, it just, yeah, it was, it seemed, you know what, it seemed like, I was

actually thinking, I can't believe I only paid 20 bucks for this. Like, that should be, it seemed like a, you know, normally ones you buy at Chem, it's a pretty crap because you're just getting them on the fly or whatever, but this was like, this felt like a real good one. I was really happy with it. Anyway, so I meet up with Carl. We go to Nando's. We get there. They've got the little bucket out the front to leave your wet umbrella in.

I put it in there. We eat our food. We come out. Umbrella's gone. All of the umbrellas that were in the thing, some scoundrel has just come past and pinched them all. No. Made off with them.

Yes. Yes, Celia. How many were in there? There were like three or four. There were a few, yeah. That is outrageous. I've put my faith in an umbrella bucket before, and now I don't think I will.

I know, yeah. I mean, you know, what sort of sick world are we living in? I like it there wasn't just one umbrella. They've grabbed four of them. Yeah, exactly. Like are they going to do one of those singing in the rain dances where they pretend it's a car

and there's the four wheels going along yeah I mean if I'd heard about a rogue singing in the rain flash mob happening that night

I would have been fine with it I would have been like oh that makes sense that's okay classic Gene Kelly it's not just a it's not just a thoughtless crime

it just just really just broke my heart. Yeah. You know? Have you bought another one? I don't. I'm scarred now.

Too soon. Too soon? Yeah, exactly. I can't move on. It's a lot of responsibility, the number of umbrellas I've lost and left around. You've lost my umbrella. I have lost yours.

I got back last night and my umbrella, and so it was like, oh, I left your umbrella at this bar. I know where I left it. I know where it is. But you haven't got it. It's just there. I lost it. I lost it I know where it is. But you haven't got it. It's just there. I lost it. I lost it.

Because you put them down when you're not getting rain. This is not like a little black one that you might lose. It's a massive one, multicoloured. It's a golf umbrella one. A golf umbrella. Yeah. Along with a picnic table as well. Well, now I know I can go to Toby's house and steal an umbrella

and Celia's just going to get the blame for it. Well, I like the idea of someone walking along because, I mean, I think umbrellas are really, the way people lose them, you don't really care that much, do you? They're a thing to be lost almost. They're almost designed to be lost. How dare you? It's so insensitive that you would say that around me at this trying time.

But I'm glass half full of this. Not even a full week later and you're throwing around. I like the idea that someone was made so happy by your unwilling donation that's walked along. He was getting rained on. He's seen that at the front of the shop and gone, there you go. Free umbrellas. Yeah, exactly.

Like a dog bowl out the front. Yes. He's going, oh, an umbrella bucket. Yeah, exactly. I'll have four. I like the idea that maybe Nando's is this guy's umbrella pickup spot too. He's like, Nando's, man, they're great for it. People just go in there.

They're so excited about chicken. They're just bloody leaving them all over the place. Exactly. Like students are going to McDonald's and get the salt or the napkins or straws. Well, Nando for umbrellas. Easy. Napkins or straws like Orlando for umbrellas. Easy.

I mean, and, you know, in telling people this, the debate has been raised about why did you bother, why did you put it in the bucket? Like, why don't you just keep it with you? But that was the thing I was, like, so excited about. This is something I can do now. I get to use the umbrella bucket. I'm going to be one of those people. And never again.

Never again. You put too much stress. It was a bucket sitting outside a shop. Why would you not steal it? And a man. Never again. You put too much trust. It was a bucket sitting outside a shop. Why would you not steal it? It's not like, I mean, if it was in a sort of fancy restaurant, you go, well, no one's going to take it. But there are a few places left where, you know, everyone's so paranoid about stuff.

There are a few places where we still have to sort of trust, and that's one of them. If the honor system doesn't work, then we are no better than the animals. Is that what you're saying? Planet of the Apes. Yes, exactly. No, but the other one is the laundromat. Like, you know, I always, like, in places where it's so paranoid,

you wouldn't leave a bag out on the street, but there you just leave your clothes in a thing and walk out, but for some reason you think no one's going to steal it. Or your cock socks just tumbling around in the dry for any. But, like, someone could go in and just take your clothes. So you leave, you leave the laundromat? I don't, I sit there and. Yeah, but I don't.

And that's the thing. And I feel bad about myself and go, I should, this is supposed to be another place to trust me. No, I leave. Oh, I don't. I love to leave. See, do you sit there as well? No, I sit there.

That's good. It's me time. You sit in the laundromat. Get some, get some business done. Bring the laptop down, bring your diary down, bring something down. Yeah, I like that. It is bad, like, when that, yeah, you become, you know, the honour system fails and you become paranoid.

Like, I've had stuff stolen from me in a hostel, and, like, I was pretty sort of trusting at the time, and then that happened, and then everywhere I went from then on, I was, like, that guy, like, kind of locking all my stuff up, and, you know, you're in the room just looking around going, don't you fucking look at any of my things. I remember being really upset when I was a really little kid because we came home and it was raining.

And I said to my dad, oh, what would rainwater, that'd be great to have a whole glass full of rainwater and drink that. And he was like, oh, I'll sort this out for you. And he put a plastic cup on the footpath out in the middle of a storm. And then I went, well, where's that rainwater? He's like, oh, I just put a cup out in the footpath out in the middle of a storm and then I went, well, where's that rainwater? He's like, oh, I just put a cup out in the footpath and went out there and it was gone. I was like really upset going, are you an idiot, Dad?

That was one of our cups. It's gone. There's so much. There's so many curiosities about that story. You're desperate to drink rainwater. Dirty, disgusting rainwater. Is it dirty? I don't know.

There's no dirt in the sky. I don't know, but still it's weird. It could have fallen onto a leaf that had bird poo on it and fallen onto you. Wow. Or passed a dirty man in a hot air balloon and got off his dirty face and then landed on you. Or a dirty man in a hot air balloon and got off his dirty face and then landed on you. Yeah, dirty man in a helicopter that we heard before. Maybe the same person who stole your cup is now walking around with my umbrella.

I don't think anyone stole the cup. I think it just went down the drain. That was it. I used to live with Felicity Ward, a friend of the show. Yes. Absolutely. And she's mad for hard rubbish. She would take anything off the street.

Like, yeah, Matt, bring in just anything. And one time she came home with saucepans, frying pans. No. Street frying pans. And I'm like, I am not eating off. She's like, I'll clean them. I'm like, no. She's like, what do you think happened?

I'm like, someone could have baked a turd in that. They could have. Sure. You don't know. I'm not prepared to take that risk. It's a frying pan on the street. You don't know. I'm not prepared to take that risk. It's a frying pan on a street. You don't know. I can be pretty certain.

I would take a cup from the street. I take drawers. I don't know if you can bake anything in a fry pan, though. That would be frying a turd. Yeah, that's right. Sauté. Sauté. It's going to be sautéed.

Or just near it. But no kind of cutlery. Lightly brown the turd. So now, whoever these people are have got brand new fry pans that they're frying up turds with. Thank God we've got these no-stick fry pans. Well, here's something else that's made me think of this from what we were talking about before.

With my girlfriend, she's very superstitious. Is it superstitious? She is a big one for horoscopes and stuff. You guys are rational thinkers. You're not into horoscopes and stuff like that. No, I'm the rational thinker. Celia is irrational. I recommend you read the horoscopes.

I'll read them, but I'm not like, oh my god, that's so true. I'll just read them if it's there. If you read them retrospectively, you're like, it's true, because it's usually quite vague. Yeah, but they're always vague. Yeah, exactly. But I read it anyway because it's someone talking about me, and I like that. Isn't that all what horoscopes is?

It's like, oh, a bit of insight. Yeah, true, true. Oh, I'm going to have money problems this week. Toby's looking at me like, tell them the whole story. I've been known to go to psychics. Oh, yes, okay. But more that than horoscopes. Not in a...

I find it comforting. I don't go, oh, this is, you know, take it word for word. This is definitely going to happen. No free will. It's all fate. I just find it quite comforting. What's comforting? What has comforted you before?

Because it's like sitting down. It's almost like a therapy for me. It's like you sit down with someone who looks like they know and they basically say, everything's going to be fine. Is that what they say? Yeah. Do they have a ball? Do they have the everything's going to be fine. Is that what they say? Yeah. Do they have a ball? Do they have the...

No, usually a card. Do they have a ball? Magic egg ball they got from the Melbourne show. They've got balls to take 80 bucks off me. Oh, yes. Funnily enough, I saw that coming too. Come on, we have time for a run-up. Old bloody Jonathan Caner over here.

He's killing it. Karen Moorgold, thank you. See, I don't even know who that is. And you say you're not into it. You know. I've watched TV before. Guilty. The thing I have found about you, Carl,

is that you amass a pretty stunning catalogue of references, even if you have no interest in what it is, just to have up your sleeve for whatever little joke you want to make. Exactly. Exactly. Just very superficial. I don't know what the words mean, but I know the words. You know that it's the right thing to say.

I would be interested to go for that reason. I think it's, not that you want to base your whole life on it, but I think it's nice to believe in something, in something a bit that's beyond you, you know? Yeah. I think there's some kind of... If you're feeling, you know, for me, it's usually when I'm a bit, you know, there's a lot of stuff going on, it just sort of makes you look at the things in perspective a bit. Just having a chat about it.

I don't leave going, oh, it's all real, do-do-do-do-do. I'm feeling a bit weird. I might go and talk to a weird old stranger. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tell me a lot of generic crap. Who's making things up in front of me and charging me for it. It's outrageous. She's even using Pokemon cards now.

Yeah. You're really going too far. Here you go. It's a great example of what I was just talking about. Pikachu. A 35-year-old man who knows all about Pokemon. That's a thing, isn't it? So what?

Because I just picture a psychic as being like an old woman in a cloak. Like, where do you go? If it was like that or in a tent and someone was wearing a cloak, I'd be like, just for the sheer pageantry or the theatricality of it, I'd be like, this is worth my money. You've dressed up. There's some smoke. The table rattles.

Even if they were using the wrong equipment, like they had a magic wand or something. That would be great. I don't care. Like a toy lightsaber. What's that glow? It's your future. I'd be like, good, good.

This work experience. That is good. In a corner with a smoke machine. But you can see clearly blowing smoke. Maybe some beakers and stuff, like with formula in the background. Like they've just got it completely mixed up. Like a mad scientist. Or like one of those big computers in Dr. Evil's Lair,

where it's just the two things spit, like tapes just going between. And ticker tape. Yeah, ticker tape coming out. Like a stock report from the 1940s. Brilliant. I'd be like, that is good. You've done well. I think you're all thinking of a haunted house.

Yeah, well, that would be good. Then go to a haunted house. Aren't you commuting with ghosts anyway? Then go to a haunted house. Just to be clear, everyone, we don't live in a cartoon. Can we just say that? I don't know what's going on with my life I'm going to pop down to the old Stevenson joint

To the haunted house I've had enough of this Come on Scooby Scrappy Let's go I don't spend my money on like Manicures or pedicures It's a little thing that I do occasionally Maybe once a year

Now that you mention it though That would be a good crossover. Get your stars read whilst getting a manicure pedicure. No, I'm not into that. Or your laundry. Your laundry done. Yes. But the thing is, and you'll appreciate it, you'll like this,

because sometimes they're awful. Like sometimes you go to ones and they're great and they're really good and sometimes they are terrible and you know it straight away and they're clearly reading from a book. They're just awful and saying things wrong. And you go, no. And they go, oh, yeah, something else. It's terrible.

The worst one I went to, it was so bad to the point where I was sitting in front of her thinking, and I don't really believe in angels or whatever, but I was just going, someone help her out. This is embarrassing. Tell her something that's true because I feel horrible. And then eventually she asked me what I did and ended up just telling her everything. I'm like, yep, yep, I'm a comic, whatever. And then when I left, and I was like just really furious because it was a complete waste of money. She was terrible.

And she's like, oh, well, you know, all the best with everything. And, you know, let me know how it all turns out. I'm like, hang on. Did you just ask me to tell you what happens in my future? Good luck, Melissa. Anyway, we were talking about Diane and Starz. Maybe she's a bit more like you then because she'll say, I'll go, you don't really believe in that.

And she'll be like, no, no, no. I'm like, okay, well, stop reading the horoscope. No, no, no, I want to read it. Okay, okay. But then she won't really admit that she does believe in it. She'll just say, oh, it's a bit of fun. I'm just reading it or whatever. Anyway, she was working with this old lady who was like really into it,

was really, really into it. It led all of her life, all this sort of stuff. And I would find out more and more through my girlfriend what this woman was like. And she was this really old lady who had a personal psychic, got a psychic. And I was like, really? Where does she go? Like, what's it like?

She goes, oh. Haunted house. Very close. Ah, yeah. Her psychic lived out in a cave somewhere. No. Yes. Which, of course, begs the question, if you're really psychic,

surely you should have seen ahead past the events that led to you living in a cave. She lives in a caravan and then someone's coming and he's like, quick, get in the cave. I think I'd be more impressed with a cave than a caravan, to be honest. I would like, see, a cave I would like. I'd be like, well, that's commitment. You just like caves. You live in a cave.

That's what you were saying just before. Yeah, the pageantry of it. That is. But I sort of thought, well, how does she pay the woman? Like, obviously there's not a, like, does she bring frogs to her? Bones, human bones. What do you give to a woman who's got nothing? Yeah, I have newt, yeah.

Yeah, what do you give a woman, like, some new lichen? I don't even know where you find a good cave in Melbourne. I don't think it's in the city. I think it's probably Zone 3 at least. I like to think. I just love to think that there's just like a hollowed out bit of a building somewhere in the CBD. Yeah, yeah.

Someone hunched up there. Basement, basement of Maya, maybe. Underneath. So yeah, she would go out there to this cave and then she would come back and this woman would be giving advice to my girlfriend and be like, you're listening to a woman who's listening to a woman in a cave. And this is like when we were first sort of getting together. And she would almost be like trying to turn her against me by going,

oh, you guys are not right for each other because you're different signs. You're like, you know, there's water signs. Do you know this stuff? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He lives in a house like a dickhead. Running water. Keep clear. So she'd be like, you know, there's fire signs, there's water signs.

Apparently, I think I was an earth sign and she was a fire sign. And my girlfriend would go, no, no, no, we're not right. You know, we're two different signs. I'm like, what do you mean? Like, I don't even know what that means. And she'd go, well, I'm a fire sign. And that's really different from earth sign. I'm a fire sign, which means I'm really fiery and argumentative

and really persistent. And I go, no, you're not. She goes, oh, okay. And that's literally what happened. And I laughed and she went, I get it. Now let's discuss this because we haven't really touched on this yet. You guys are, of course, a couple. What?

Who? Sorry to break that to you, but yes. That guy? And so, Celia, you spend a lot of your time in the UK. Yes. And Toby, you spend a lot of your time here in this very studio. Yeah. Doing the traffic for us.

So you guys spend a lot of time in a long-distance relationship and listeners of this show will know that I'm currently in that very special hell that that entails. It's good, isn't it? How long have you guys been in that situation for now? One year. One year? Yeah. And in that time, he's One year. One year? Yeah.

And in that time, he's come over there one time and I've been back three times. I knew I was going to sound bad in that. You've come back for work three times and I've just gone over there just for love. Hey, baby, I'm just reading your horoscope here. It says you should stop being such a tightwad and buy a Qantas flight. Well, because I'm in two weeks.

At the end of this week, me and Carl are going over to America, and I'm going to be seeing my girlfriend for the first time since she left. After the America trip, can then you do a little dum-dum on safari? Please. Well, we're going to go to America next week because there's no Australian comedians going over to America to record anything apart from Hamish Nanny and Rove. But anyway, I'm going to be seeing her for the first time since she left. And it's exciting to me for a lot of reasons because it's going to be good to see her.

But also... Sex. Sex. Come on, guys. Come on. But you don't know if It could be a disaster You know what I mean? It could be a complete disaster

Like there's a lot of You know, when you guys saw each other For the first time when you'd been away Did it all go smoothly? Like do you have any You know, reservations Or hesitations? You kind of, when

Yeah, it's a bit weird straight away sometimes because if you haven't seen them, I think you just sort of body resets. Yes. It's just sort of a stranger. Like you know them. Yeah, right. But it just takes a little bit of time to go, oh. Oh, yeah.

What is this relationship? I didn't mean it that way. But you know what I mean? It just can be a little bit. Yeah. Well, because my thing is we're only spending five days together and I get this thing where it's like it's got to be pervy and the minute one little thing goes wrong,

I'll just be thinking, oh, well, this is fucked and this is like the only time we're spending together for another few months and then that's going to, you know, you don't, you feel like the stakes are so high and there's a lot riding on it. Well, because when you're together all the time, you have the same stories and you kind of change in the same way. Yes.

So when you're apart from each other, and even if you're talking a lot, you change slightly and over time those changes sort of build up and then you see each other and you're kind of going, right, this has to be perfect straight away. And you're kind of going, so we're just straight into it. That's what we have. We just hold hands and kiss and then you go,

but actually, I don't quite know you like I did. I've got to kind of catch up. When I left, you lived in a cave. Yeah. I came back and you said a house. I'm like, you're different. What happened to the stalactites?

You snobby bastard. It used to be all about putting a fire in a hole in the back of the cave and now you've bought a heater. And now it's a fire in a room. You thought more about the future when you lived in the cave and now you've bought a heater. And now it's a fire in a room. You thought more about the future when you lived in the cave. Yeah, so it's not great fun. It is a bit weird. Yeah, and it's all going to start again for you next week then?

Yeah, I'll go back next week and then I don't know when I'll be back here but it'll probably be at least another three months or something away. But I'm surprised how okay it's been because everyone thinks you're insane. Like people just go, it's not going to work. It can't work. It can't be done. Well, yeah, you guys would have had this, I'm sure. The thing I found when I told people that my girlfriend was going away,

people treat that as a license to just instantly tell you every horror story that they have ever heard about people. Like you go, oh, my girlfriend's going to this. Oh, yeah, that reminds me of a friend of mine who went out to visit. They were engaged, right? Engaged. They went away. First night there. Slept going to these. Oh, yeah, that reminds me of a friend of mine who went out to visit. They were engaged, right? Engaged. They went away.

First night there. Slept with someone else. Yeah, yeah. And sometimes it's like it's not even things that have happened to them. It's things that they've heard like fifth hand from like a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend. My friend's girlfriend moved away and all of a sudden she was sitting on the toilet. Alligator came up. Beat her on the bum.

I haven't done this for a little while. People reading off the Mirabar list. Yes. A couple of times I've done the Mirabar list. Toby, if you haven't heard it, what it is is I lived in Mirabar, a small town, 8,000 people, a lot of crazy people. Sure. And once we left, we made this big list of all the people we knew

that were crazy and that we had given names to. And they all had different nicknames for different reasons or whatever. So we just made this big list to comfort ourselves, to make sure we weren't homesick or whatever. So we've got like 200 people on this list of all these crazy people that were like, for example, people called Leopard Head, Sea Urchin, I Should Have Spat On You. What was the, was there a Hold It, Steve? Steve Holdies.

Steve Holdies. Steve Holdies. Who else? Sunshine Johnson, of course. Let's, Operation Wolf. Hang on. Don't just roll that one under there like we've all heard that a hundred times. Oh, sorry.

Who's Operation Wolf? Oh, I can't remember. I think he looked like, I think what it was is he would walk along. He looked like the guy from the board game Operation. No, no, no. Do you remember that video game called Operation Wolf. Oh, I can't remember. I think he looked like, I think what it was is he would walk along. He looked like the guy from the board game Operation. No, no, no. Do you remember a video game called Operation Wolf? It was like a shoot-em-up. I think he looked like when he was walking that he was going to shoot someone.

I think that was it. I think that was it. And Shooty was taken. Shooty and Shootsy were both gone. We missed a chance with Shoots-wa, but anyway. So I was just thinking, I thought of some other ones I hadn't put on the list. Sweet. So there was a guy that we called Blusset because he had red hair,

so he called himself Bluey, which is a very Australian thing. But then he got a personalised number plate on his ute, which he wanted to say Blue's Ute, but because of the characters you're allowed to have, it's spelled B-L-U-S-U-T, Blusset. So he would drive by and we would yell out, Blusset! And there was this crazy woman, there was another crazy woman that used to walk around,

because my favourite people are crazy people that walk around the street. Because there's that thing of street people where you have to walk into shops and they have to entertain you because you may buy something. You know, if you walk anywhere else, no one will listen to you. But if you walk into a shop, you might get 50 cents out of them. So, oh, yes. And what else did you have to say about the lizards that live in your head? oh, yes, and what else did you have to say about the lizards that live in your head? So this woman was called Mum Dad because the only thing she would do was come up to you and tap you on the shoulder and go,

have you seen Mum and Dad? That's the only thing she would say. Toby and I went to, Toby's from Perth. Right. And we went to Perth a couple of weeks ago. And we were walking down the street and there was a lady sat on the, oh, God. It was so unexpected. We just couldn't believe what this came out.

You know when you think it's going to be a normal sort of encounter where they go, can you do this for me, whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you tell, do the voice? So there's an old woman, drunk, really, really drunk, outside this, and sort of sitting there on a chair and waving a $5 note. And she had this really, she was really obviously down and out, but had a really plummy voice.

She was like a really well-educated, you know, dressed for it. Like red nose. Red nose. And she sounded like, she said, excuse me, and waved the note at us. We were like, yes, excuse me. Could you go into the bottle shop and buy an emu bitter from that filthy little retard?

It's just so unexpected. I'm sorry, Matt. I'm afraid we cannot do that for you today. And we walked off and just as we're like 10 minutes down the road, we just hear her again going, excuse me. Filthy little retard. Poor guy's just copying it in every direction. So we call that by a hobo as well.

Filthy little retard could almost be its own inclusion on the Mary Burrow list. There's on the mum dad thing. There's someone on the list and I can't remember what their name is. How about this? You can give me what this person should be called. Okay. This person was known because they were burgling a house. Man, I wish I could remember the name.

But they burgled a house, and when they were halfway through burglarizing this house, they went, oh, gee, I need to go to the toilet. And when people came home, this person was sitting on the toilet taking a shit when they walked in. He, like, packed up, like the VCR was unplugged and was in a big swag bag or whatever. With a dollar sign on it. If I may, I think I've got the name. Turdburglar.

Is that it? Is that it? Yay! He redeemed himself. I cannot believe we didn't think of that ourselves. You got one final one to take us out on? No, I only wrote those two down. I thought of those two on the way in.

Hang on. How about this? I'll say a few names and you tell me. You jump at any of the names. There was two people called DJ Mario and DJ Paris, and they were intellectually disabled DJs. DJ Extreme. That was their thing.

They were like, we should do your mitzvah because we're retarded. The filthy little retard DJs. Guy called Half a House because he lived in, shall I finish this? Probably not. Yes. Half a house. Chicken. Actually, how did he live in Half a House? Probably not. Yes. Half a house. Was it actually half?

Yes. How did he live in half a house? Because he was building. He was renovating. No, it was like, I don't know what it was like. You know when you see people moving houses, like literally moving a house on the back of a house? It was like they'd done half the job and gone,

ah, it's been a big weekend. We'll go and get that next year or something. And they had literally half a house. It was half a house. Did they have doors? It was like a big weekend. We'll go and get that next year or something. And they had literally half a house. It was half a house. Did they have doors? But was there just a big gaping one side? No, no, no. Constantly falling out like going do-do-do.

It wasn't like a diagram in a textbook where you could see everything through the... A cross-section of a half a house. So was he just called half a house? Yes. That's fantastic. Or half-a. Half-a. Half-a. Halfs house. So was he just called half a house? Yes. That's fantastic. Or half a. Half a. Half a.

Halfsies. Oh, where's your housemate? That's right. He should team up with the psychic lady that lives in the cave. Yeah. Maybe she could have foreseen that he was going to run up his house. Half a cave house. I was going to say he's one up on her, but he's really half up on her.

Half a. What else? Oh, there's some of these names that have been put in here that I don't know the story of because my friends have put them in and gone, oh, you know this guy. I'm like, no, but I'll allow it. Like acid liquor. I don't know what that means.

There's a guy that we traumatized for probably six months. The new guy at school, his name was Alex. So we called him APK, like Alex B. Keaton from Family Ties. That's good. No, and he wasn't because he was fat and an idiot, and so we just said it in a mean way. APK. What else?

What's some good ones? There's just some ridiculous ones here. Bird leg eater. I don't know what that is. What's the flicking or eating going on in eater? I don't know what that is. What's licking or eating going on in this installment? Well, the one after it. That's number 94 on the list. Bird leg eater. Number

95 is dog ball licker. You'd hope that they're not. Like bird leg eater. You'd hope that it's not just a bird leg. You'd hope that they're metaphors but I think they're literals. You'd hope that that dog was wearing a cock sock. You don't want to accidentally lick a bit of dick while you're licking his balls a bird's leg. You hope that they're metaphors, but I think they're literals. You hope that that dog was wearing a cock sock. You don't want to accidentally lick a bit of dick while you're licking his balls.

That's embarrassing. You lick one dog's ball and that name sticks. That's all anyone remembers. Oh, I wish I had just eaten a bird's leg. There's a guy called Ify Sykes I'm Off. Ify Sykes I'm Off. That Ify Sykes, I'm off. That is sort of pushing the boundaries of nicknames. Those are my favourite ones where the nickname is like a paragraph.

But literally, that would be the, how would we say that? It was like, oh, look at that. Ify Sykes, I'm off. He's over there. You couldn't get his attention quickly. If I said, oh, he's gone. Do you mind if I call you by your nickname, Ify? No offence. I've told you, I's gone. Do you mind if I call you by your nickname, Ify? No offence.

I've told you, I think I've said this one. This is one of my favourites. A guy called I Should Have Spat On You. I think you have. Yeah. I think you might have. Yeah, yeah. You can guess where that's come from.

What was, just quickly, what was Steve Hold These? Because that was my favourite. I can't remember. What did he get asked to hold? Oh, Steve Hold These was, the guy's called Steve. He owned a gymnasium and there was a fight in the gymnasium, like a duel. And these guys were like, we are deciding to fight now. And the guy wore glasses that was like going, and he took off the glasses and gave them

to Steve and goes, Steve Hold These. he took off the glasses and gave them to Steve and goes, Steve, hold these. Which, again, I think I've told this before, but when we moved to England for three months and worked in a factory, that's how we would get through the night to see how loud we could yell that in a factory. Oh, really? There's three of us sitting there going, Stephen, hold this! Except then it turned into all these stupid parts where we'd be, Stephen, hold my spectacles!

Yeah, anyway. Well, I think that does that wrap us up for now. I think that'll do. And that brings us to the end of the show as well. That's it. That is episode 53 in the game. 53. Guys, Toby and Celia, thank you so much for joining us in the Little Dumb Dumb Club.

Second season of late. Any idea when that's on? Not a clue. Well, thanks so much, guys, for coming in. We really appreciate it. Thank you guys for listening. If you want to get in touch with us,DumbDumbClub at gmail.com We're also on Twitter at DumbDumbClub

And Facebook And we will see you next time See you mates