The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 54 - Paul F. Tompkins

Episode Date: October 12, 2011

Duty Free For The Missus, Carl's The Third and Romance At The Cat and Fiddle. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey mates, welcome to another installment of The Little Dumb Dumb Club. My name is Tommy Dasolo. Sitting opposite me is my co-host, Carl Chandler. G'day dickhead. Now this is a special edition. We are coming to you from Los Angeles, California. This sounds American already. Doesn't it?

This sounds American already. It sounds like, I don't know what. There's a timbre to our voice that sounds American. Yeah, I know. I was just thinking that. Would there be any reason for that? You know when you see an American sitcom on TV and it just has that haze of American-ness? That's what our voices sound like now.

Yeah, it's good. I feel like it's that same kind of timbre that you used to hear when you'd go on a Qantas flight and you'd hear Barry Bissell doing the take 40 top hits. We've been Casey Kasem'd. That's what this is. All right, well, let's get into it. This is actually also, this is our one year, our first birthday show. This is like the one year anniversary of the Little Dumb Dumb Club.

The first of hopefully many episodes that we're going to bring you from America with some great guests. Our guest today, he's been on the show before. You will know him from Curb Your Enthusiasm. You will know him from his own podcast, The Pod F TomCast. Please welcome back into the little dum-dum club, Paul F Tompkins. Yay! Gentlemen, thank you.

What a thrill this is. I know, right? See, last time you were on our turf in Melbourne, and now we're on your turf. That's right. Advantage Tompkins. And we are literally on turf. It's a dirt floor in the studio. It's a great theme they've got in here.

It's like a sports bar radio studio that they've got going on. It's very good. You can throw your peanut shells anywhere you like. Yeah, yeah. So this is good. I think we've just gotten over the jet lag in time for this to be good. We've just remembered which one of us is Tommy and which one of us is Carl, which is a big help.

Yeah, because we go the other way over here. Right. That's what I've heard. Oh, hey. Because everyone says that the thing I understand is that the jet lag hits you harder coming to Los Angeles from Australia. Yes. That's what someone was saying to me. Is that just a theory or is there some basis behind that? I think having done that relatively recently, it was much worse because we all met when I was in Melbourne for the festival.

And going there, I felt like I got on Australian time pretty quickly. Coming back, the first night back, i'll take a sleeping pill i'll take an ambien just to make sure i sleep through the night and then the next day felt great i'm like oh i think uh i think i'm in the clear yeah and then the next the next night fell asleep um at i think 8 p.m woke up at midnight and then was awake for the rest of the night yeah we had a bit of a similar experience because did you leave Melbourne early-ish in the day? Who can say? Oh, okay.

Well, because we flew... Let me check my flight journal. That's not that long ago. I thought you'd remember. If the sun was up, that was the day in Australia. Sorry, I forgot that you'd been to Australia six more times since then. We left Melbourne early in the day And we got here Sort of

We got here Sort of before Now hold on a second Yeah I am not done Making fun of you for this Please Have at me

You just flew Days ago This was back in April Yeah that's still Not that long ago But to remember The time of day I took a flight

I'm not asking Down to the minute I'm asking for like Was it Well but it's like Early evening The sun is still out Just picture in your mind The stewardess Took a flight. I'm not asking down to the minute. I'm asking for like, was it... Well, but it's like early evening. The sun is still out. Just picture in your mind the stewardess giving you a Coke. Now look behind her out the window.

She was wearing pajamas. She was wearing pajamas. There we go. It must have been nighttime. What was the first thing you add on the plane? Was it an egg? I remember they delivered a paper to my seat. Okay. I remember they delivered a paper to my seat Okay, looking around the cabin Could you see bits of logs with a saw cutting through them?

Oh wait, I was sitting next to a vampire So it must have been night time Good, that's all I wanted Well, my point being Because you know, when you come back When you go from Australia to here You get here with the time difference Before you've left Australia So you come back, when you go from Australia to here, you get here with the time difference before you've left Australia.

So you go back. So we got in to Las Vegas in the morning and we did ourselves no favors by then going out and drinking a lot as well, which I feel sort of didn't help us. Yeah. This haze of just... Well, so as soon as you landed, then you started drinking right away? Pretty much. You got to the hotel?

We drank a bit on the plane. Well, no. Absolutely. You kind of have to, though. Yeah, yeah. First of all, I don't know if we covered this with you last time, Paul, but Tommy Dassler, that's not his real name. Now, we have brought this up on the podcast before.

You know what? That was not covered when I was with you guys in the studio, but I subsequently heard it on the podcast. I think you must have been on the one episode where it hasn't come up. And I'm very sorry for that one episode. I think I was jet lagged that day. What a horrible welcome into the country. So when we got to Vegas, when we went to check in, I had booked the Planet Hollywood.

And I had put in Tommy Daslow as my codependent in the hotel. Codependent? Yeah. And then they needed ID. And of course, Tommy Daslow does not exist on his passport. So then that took, what, an hour to get past, which was awesome for a couple of people that had been flying for 24 hours straight. I like how I'm being made fun of for this, yet you're the one who put a fake name into

the booking reservation. Yeah, but it's not like, oh, you, it sounds like, oh, you've put a fake name. You've put a, you've the booking reservation. Yeah, but it sounds like you've put a fake name. You've made the mistake. No, I put your name. That's your name. That's what you tell people. It's what you choose to be called. Yeah, exactly.

I didn't make up your name. I think you having the fake name trumps in terms of ridiculousness. This is not how I pictured this going down at all. I have never made up an alias. This is your fault. Yeah, okay. I'm just going on your lies. Well, I mean, let's backtrackias. This is your fault. Yeah, okay. I'm just going on your lies.

Well, I mean, let's backtrack 24 hours before this trespass. Paul, you're an avid traveller. Now, let's say you're making an international flight. I travel a lot. I don't know how avid I am about it. Before you leave your house, if it's an international flight, what's the first thing you would make sure that you had with you for an international flight? This is a tough one.

Have a think. I would say, no, international flight, not just regular airplane flight. International. I think the one thing I would probably really make sure that I had would be my passport. Okay, the very first thing. So I can pass through ports. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Well, this guy sitting opposite me, Kay Chandler, got to the airport to discover, just left

his passport at home. Not a big deal. Probably don't need that. Oh, no, actually, I do. So he, what did you have to do? You had to sort of half check in. Yeah. I made the discovery at the check in thing and I said, oh, look, you probably get this

a lot. I forgot my passport. They said, we don't get it that much. And I said, oh, look, you probably get this a lot. I forgot my passport. They said, we don't get it that much. Some refreshing candor. Everyone else that's immature enough to forget their passport is travelling with their parents,

so they normally take care of it. Yeah, so I said that, and they said, oh, look, you've got an hour and a half. You've got plenty of time. Don't race or anything. Just go home and get your passport. So, look, you've got an hour and a half. You've got plenty of time. Don't race or anything. Just go home and get your passport. So, look, this was in peak hour traffic. So, it took as long as it possibly could to get home. Oh, and on the way, this was just a nightmare of a day.

My girlfriend drove me because I've lost my license in Australia. I've lost my license. So, my girlfriend- You misplaced it or it was taken away from you? No, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, not another me forgetting a piece of identification. It was forcibly taken away from me. You were forgetting more the rules of order. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What side of the road to drive on, stuff like that. So that was taken away from me for a period of three months. I'm still within that three months. So my girlfriend kindly drove me to the airport. Now, my girlfriend is, I don't know if you have them over here, she's a really bad driver. She's very bad. And I'm a very bad passenger.

So all these things calculate into her having a panic attack on the road. So it couldn't have been a worse drive out there. And I'm like going, what the hell is going on? I had to take over. I had to get her to pull over. I'm driving illegally on the road just to get there on time. Get there. Then I've made the mistake of not bringing a passport.

So horrible morning so far. I race home and drive illegally home again, get the passport, get in a taxi. The airport is ringing me on the way saying- No, I'm sorry. Does she have to then bring the car back to the airport or is she still, you call her, she's on her way back and you say you have to turn around and- Oh, no, sorry. She came the car back to the airport? Or is she still, you call her, she's on her way back, and you say you have to turn around and... Oh, no, sorry. She came in with me to the airport.

Oh, okay. So she's still there. Yeah, so she's still there. She's going to give you a classic bon voyage. Yeah, yeah, exactly. With the flowers and stickers to put on your steamer trunk and all that stuff. And then we turn around. She'd given up by the time we got home, so I just got in a taxi.

Given up on the whole relationship. Yeah, yeah, exactly. She was in the hands of the medics by then. And I drove back, and I was getting calls from the airport going, you know you're going to miss this flight, don't you? And I'm like, yeah, I'm pretty aware. So I tipped the driver another 20, a 20 spot, and he went, and took off, and I got there with five minutes to go.

Literally got walked onto the plane by Qantas. Yeah, yeah. You're supposed to be there three hours before the flight. Not five minutes. Yeah, five minutes. Five minutes. But then what happened? You went to check in while I was gone.

Oh, yeah. I went to check in, and a friend of ours was traveling, just coincidentally coming over here as well, and happened to be on the same flight. And so I've checked in with her. Hugh Jackman. We all know him. So we went to the special, we checked in and then we went to the special help desk or whatever it is where you can request a seat and request your seats next to each other.

And we said, hey, can we get our seats next to each other? And also our friend got here. He's left his passport at home. He's coming. He's running. Can we just reserve it like a spare seat next to us for him because he's left his passport? And she just cuts off and goes, oh, Mr. Chandler. But what did you say?

And the funny thing was she wasn't Asian. Yes. What was the thing that you did a great classic piece of you gear as you were being escorted at fast pace? Yeah, yeah. So I got walked through the airport. So I was there with five minutes to go. They said, well, we can't trust you to walk on your own. You didn't even know how to get here with a passport.

Don't they have one of the little carts? No, no cart. Like a golf cart or whatever? Yeah. I don't know if that happens in Melbourne airports, does it? No, it's just like a naughty boy being let out of the class. It was like her grabbing me and walking me. Leading me by the ear.

Exactly. So it wasn't so much for speed as it was for shame. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I had to wear this cone-like hat as well. I don't know. That was for speed, I assume. That was aerodynamics. So I'm being marched through the airport,

longest possible route, I think, with five minutes to go. And I'm, like, we're sort of nearly running through it, and it got to one point where I went, are we going to make this or not, seriously? Is this going to be a waste of my time? And she went, no, no, no, we'll make it. And I went, oh, okay. Well, can we just stop off to get the missus some Judy Free then?

And she took it very seriously, and I did not take that seriously. That was meant to be a joke. These are not people you can joke with ever. Never ever. You cannot joke with people at the airport. Yeah, it's like we take jokes about airport security seriously. We take jokes about duty free for the missus even more seriously. But it was funny when you got on the plane, because then you were a little bit disappointed that you'd made it.

Yeah, it was disappointing. What I dreamed, I thought it was going to be like an officer and a gentleman or something where I get to walk onto the plane and he'd given up on me for good and I'd pick him up in my arms and go, we're going to LA, Tommy. But it was more like you hadn't even got on the plane yet. I really did think that was where the story was headed, by the way. I just assumed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I tried to start a slow clap in the departure lounge,

but no one found it quite as interesting as I did. Was there a slow clap in Officer to Gentleman? No, I mean, not related. I was doing my own. Cinematically in general. Yeah, exactly. We hadn't synced up our references yet, so I was just thinking, this will be good.

He's made it! He's made it! And everyone's like, who's made it? Who cares? We don't care at all. Are we stuck on a flight with you for 15 hours now? That's good. Yeah.

But now we're here. We've been in Los Angeles since Saturday afternoon and having a great old time, eating a lot. Yeah, question. Question. How are you and your people not enormously fat like every one of you? I think we've packed on five kilos each in about two days. Yeah. From what I heard in the elevator ride up here,

you've been eating exclusively at fast food restaurants. Yeah, I guess that's right. So I think it's that I've been here long enough to recognize other restaurants that I know them by sight now. So it's not just, well, it looks familiar from commercials. It's like, I know that that building has food in it.

Yeah, I mean, we realized- We're just looking for neon. Neon means food, doesn't it? We realized in the cab on the way here that we've sort of inadvertently been doing our own touring production of Super Size Me without even really thinking about it. It's just, yeah, there's all these different chains here and we've got to try all of them. Yeah, it does seem a bit odd now that I think about it because we're like, oh and we've got to try all of them. Yeah, it does seem a bit odd now that I think about it because we're like, oh, we've got to try this one and this one,

but all we're doing is eating identical cheeseburgers, each one we go to. So how much different can they be? But then you, I've noticed the psychology of you, is that you at night, you're going, oh, man, I feel so shit. I've got to swim some laps or do some sit-ups in the morning to feel better. And then as soon as we get up the next morning, it's like, right, so In-N-Out burger for breakfast, straight down there for lunch?

Is that what we're doing? Yes. Like sleep wipes the slate clean for you. Well, I have a swim in the morning. I'll do 50 sit-ups and that's, I've earned myself a quadruple pounder. Six Carl's Juniors. No, you absolutely have burned off all those calories. I can't wait to try that Carl's Senior.

That must be next level. He's passed on. Oh, really? You have to eat your dinner a lot earlier in the afternoon. There was a, you know, sometimes they'll have those sort of miniature version of a fast food restaurant. It'll be like just a, like a new thing, a relatively new thing here is like a KFC will be mashed up with a Taco Bell. And they'll be within the same building, half-size versions of those places. And so you can go in and get either thing.

And there was a sort of miniature Carl's Jr. Wow. That was called Carl's Jr. Jr., which would be Carl's III. Yeah, that is they took issue with it yeah they had a perfect opportunity to have some fun

yeah and they blew it did you have the the the crushes is that a thing here that KFC

thing or is that just in Australia I don't know what is that a few years ago KFC in Australia started doing this thing called crushes

where it was like these insane milkshakes like but with you know like those really intense ones where it's like a insane milkshakes, but with those really intense ones, where it's like a ground-up chocolate bar in there as well. And that's now their combo thing, like you can get a burger and then this insane... I

don't know how... There must be some kind of challenge if you can have that meal and not vomit everywhere. It's really making me sick just thinking about it. Get your name on the wall or something? I remember when McDonald's introduced the McFl oh yeah which i thought was a sort of milkshake and then um i i got when i got it i was confounded by it because i i had a straw and i was trying to like suck this thing up because i give that spoon straw thing yes with the big hole in the middle yeah yeah what are you doing with that hot is that that's just what they mix it through

isn't it yeah i guess well they know that you can't suck that thing up like it's a milkshake, so why don't they give you a heads up? Listen, before you embarrass yourself. Well, maybe at the time McDonald's were trying to launch their own candid camera style show. So they've got cameras in all their stores, and then they were hoping that they could bring out a DVD. Look at this idiot trying to drink his little ice cream. They quickly realized that it's not a good image for a restaurant to be fooling their customers. So, Paul, we've been here for four days now, and we're still not famous.

What are we doing wrong? Hmm. I mean, that is strange. Yeah. That's uncommon, isn't it? Four days? Four whole days. It's nearly been, yeah, it's like exactly four days as of now, as of when we landed here.

You know, Kim Kardashian got here a day. Really? She was here a day. Man, that's- On planet Earth. Yeah. Well, I feel like if, no, I don't want to say that. I was going to say maybe if we eat a lot, then we'll have a booty that's as big as Kim

Kardashian, so maybe that'll be the secret. But you can't guarantee that you're going to localize it. Wouldn't it be great if you could, if you could just choose which part of your body you were going to fatten up? So you could just like decide that I'm just going to have a massive head. All the fat is just going to go to my skull. What do you gain from that? You go home to your girlfriend and your penis is, you know, it's now two feet long and it's like, what happened in LA?

A lot of jack in the box. But it's just obese? Yeah. Do you have a morbidly obese penis? A flabby penis. Yeah. Obesity. I'm going to get this thing in the gym.

Do some sit-ups. So you were telling us last time that you live near Glendanzig. Is he still in the neighborhood? Yes, he is. And it's coming up to Halloween as well. Oh, don't even mention it. Already scared. Yeah, he has this house.

It's in a very unassuming neighborhood. And he's got a place that's right there on the street. But he's got a scary wrought iron gate out in the front. And it looks like, and I think this is obviously purposeful, it looks like a sort of abandoned house. The blinds in the upstairs window are sort of askew in the same way every time. Do you not think that at some point, if you're Glenn Danzig, you would pull into your driveway and like, oh, I've got to straighten out those blinds.

I must make this place look crazy. Yeah, I don't think he's got much more on his plate at the moment than just straightening up his blinds. But there's also a place next door that I'm convinced he also owns that is just as decrepit looking and haunted housey as the place next door. So I am assuming that he must own that as well, and he's got like a sort of catacomb between the two. The holiday house.

Yeah, so he can really spread out. Just when his normal house gets too much for him, just make a quick escape to next door. It's so much more peaceful down here. Every once in a while I will see sort of gothy-looking people getting a picture taken in front of his house. Do people trick-or-treat his house? The second one's slightly closer to the ocean for some of them.

Exactly. Let's go to the beach house. Does anyone dare trick-or-treat Danzig's house? I don't know. I don't know. Well, it's a couple weeks away. If he doesn't give any candy out, they straighten his blinds?

It's straighten your blinds or treat. The trick-or-treating in L.A. neighborhoods is strange, and you can't predict. The first year, I lived in a place that was on the street. I was renting a house that was right on the street, and I thought, oh, finally I'm going to have trick-or-treaters, and it'll be so exciting. So I think kids in their little costumes, it's adorable. I really get excited by it. And so I got this gigantic bowl of candy, and I was like, I am ready.

Not a single kid came. Not a single kid, and I was like I am ready not a single kid came not a single kid I was so disappointed and then I started I became fixated on the idea that if one kid came I was going to give him the entire bowl like oh like what's his reaction gonna be like this kid's gonna lose his mind like open that bag up as wide as it'll go you're getting everything your friend to school won't even believe this happened it's like a game show where it's like no one wins every week and the jackpot goes up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good because I'm going to be in New York for Halloween.

I've never been in America for Halloween. It's not really a thing at all in Australia. It's become a little bit of a thing lately. It's a thing we've seen on TV. Yeah, but it's starting to happen more and more places, right? To me, it just makes sense because it's a thing we've seen on TV. Yeah, but it's starting to happen more and more places, right? I mean, to me it just makes sense because it's a neat thing. Yeah. If you're a kid,

oh my god, that was so exciting when we were kids. Yeah, I mean, we would try and trick-or-treat when I was a kid. Like, just try to force it? Yeah. It's a thing now. Because that's a thing like maybe... It's not a one-way street. You can't dress up and then go door-to-door and then the people go no.

They've got to be aware to have confectionery and stuff. You'd get two out of every five houses would have stuff and then the others would have. But the stuff like they would have like the bowl of candy or they would just happen to have candy No no they'd have got well that's it they'd have prepared and then the others would either not have prepared

and you'd just get a muesli bar out of the pantry or whatever or then you'd just get a muesli bar out of the pantry or whatever. Or then you'd get some old guy who's really angry about the Americanization of Australia. That's a shitty American thing and we're not in America. Get off. Get out of here. One guy on my street. You knew you'd get that reaction from him every year, but it was just worth it just to hear him go off.

Maybe forcing the Australianism and giving you damper as a thing. That's an old thing that Swagman... I don't know what that is. Classic America over here. Yeah, so I'm excited for it. I don't know what's going to... What did you dress up as when you were trick-or-treating? Well, that's it. We didn't dress up.

What? You just go and get food. You just went and asked for... You just go and get food. That just wouldn't ask for... You'd just go and get food. That's not the way it works at all. What we've been doing at the fast food joints, have you regarded that as trick-or-treating as well? It's a sort of high-end

trick-or-treating where you get to choose the food you get. Small or large. I think you're confusing trick-or-treating with dinner. No, it was just, I mean, yeah, like it was... But why didn't you dress up Why Because it wasn't A big enough thing

Because you're not Like if you're not Every If every house If most of the houses Aren't giving out stuff You look dumb If you're dressing up

For a thing that doesn't And you look smart By going to a house And going Can I have chocolate You'd rather just look Like a creep Just going

Hey what do you got in there In my defence I was about 10 Okay I'm not a 35 year old manold man leaving my passport at home. I'm a 10-year-old trying to get free lollies. Very cynical 10-year-old. Very cynical 10-year-old.

No wonder they wouldn't give you any chocolate. Jesus. What did you dress up as when you were a kid? Oh, I remember being a Han Solo. Oh, yes. Ah, good. I remember being very impractical costume. I was a blind man on roller skates.

This is when I was probably about 10 or 11. And I thought it was because I thought it was hilarious. And so I had like dark glasses and I had a sign around my neck that read blind. And I had roller skates, but they were old school skates. When you say signed do you mean like Miss Universe style like a sash

no more like Mr. Blind more like almost a mug shot kind of thing because I think I'd seen that in a in an old cartoon or something

yeah it was like a guy like a blind guy would be sitting against the wall with a cup and then he had a sign around his neck

that said blind which I guess is more for the reader's benefit. So the skates that I had were the kind that was like the wheels attached to a shoe, you know what I mean? It was not like I could take them off and walk around. So there were some houses that had steps, and to get up to the door was really tricky because I was not wearing shoes that were suitable for such an activity.

So I almost broke my neck about a thousand times. And then you're campaigning all those houses in the neighborhood in early November to get ramps installed in their houses. Oh, I brought so many lawsuits. I'm wondering what will be the big costumes this year. You know, I always find that interesting just observing that from Australia. For kids or for adults? Well, for kids.

Because, you know, there's always like whatever the big new pop, you know, like when... I'll tell you where the money is. I'll tell you where the money is. There'll be about 40 different Lady Gaga outfits you can get. Yeah. That's true. So many different things you can get. Yeah. That's true. So many different things you can dress up as. She is smart.

She will have put out a line, secretly put out a line of Lady Gaga Halloween costumes. Wouldn't that be great if this whole thing has been about this whole time? Yeah. Exactly. Every one of your things is just pre-publicity for the Halloween line. Here's how it works. I'm going to wear everything once. Yeah.

Never wear it again. Make sure there's lots of pictures, and then we rake it in come Halloween. Maybe at the start she was trick-or-treating the whole time with those different outfits. She didn't want fans. She wanted confectionery. That would be funny, though, because I understand that's a bit of a fashion faux pas to be seen on the red carpet or whatever wearing the same thing twice. of a fashion faux pas to be seen on the red carpet or whatever wearing the same thing twice.

If Lady Gaga did it, that would be even more like, oh, she's brought out the old meat dress again. I wish she would, though, and just try to justify it like, well, it's perfectly good. Why should it? It's wasteful. I bought 12 chickens to wear on my hair just to wear them once. But months later and there's like flies buzzing around. It's like on The Simpsons when Homer gets that

giant sub that takes him like months to eat. Just grey and bits of it falling off her. Which I think ultimately she would be into. She'd be a fan of that look I reckon.

Yeah, that's a different costume. You've got flies on it this time. Yeah, exactly. That's a smart one. That's a smart one. I wear this once,

I wait six months, then it's a brand new outfit. Yeah, yeah. So what have been, this is what we've been asking everyone since we got here, and we may have asked you this when you were in- Everyone. Every single, stopping people on the street.

It's a bit of a, I guess, cultural cringe kind of thing, but we're just fascinated, just being in LA is such a big thing. Just being in Hollywood is a pretty big thrill for a couple of just Aussie blokes trying their luck. A couple of cowpokes like ourselves. What have been your big celebrity sightings since you got to LA? Oh, it's been a lot. I mean, you do see a lot of people here. Have you guys seen anybody yet?

No. All we've seen is Australian celebrities on the plane on the way over. The Carlton football team were on our plane coming over. The whole team? Yeah. That's very dangerous. What if something happens? Yeah.

We saw John Newcombe, multiple Grand Slam tennis winner. A lot of sports celebrities. Nukes. You know Nukes. Sure. We all know Nukes. You've got a very similar mustache to Nukes.

Is that so? Yeah. You don't look unlike him. Is that so? Yeah. I'm sure I'm probably a tennis champion somewhere. That can be a new

character that you can do on your podcast. Do a bit of research on nukes. Exactly. And always with a disclaimer, I'm told I sort of look like him. You know John Newkin, the guy that the Dum Dum Club saw in an airport once? I have to tell this story every time all right just a refresher uh the the two most exciting ones i saw were um one day i was at the and they were both at the

same place at different times there's a um an old hollywood uh hotel called the beverly hills hotel which is a you know kind of legendary legendary place and used to be a big hangout for the rich and famous and all that. And so every once in a while I would go there and have lunch just to enjoy that. Because when I was a kid, I loved that sort of old Hollywood stuff and would read all about it. And just that it was very glamorous to me, the idea that all these famous people knew each other and they would hang out and sing songs together at some fancy party or something.

It would be Frank Sinatra's home and then he would have all these people, legendary movie stars, all just hanging out and getting drunk together. It seemed very sophisticated to me. So I was at the Beverly Hills Hotel and I saw Clint Eastwood. Oh, wow. That's a good one. And it was crazy. It was just seeing him in person was so weird and he looked like himself and he was

not shorter in person or anything like that. So when was this? Like how long ago was this? It was a handful of years ago. Okay, sure. It was a handful of years. I haven't seen anybody that exciting recently. But the most, I think the, and it was kind of odd to me, it caught me by surprise, the most exciting one was Sidney Poitier. I saw him in the same place.

We were out on the patio. I was having lunch with some friends. And the person I was talking to stopped mid-conversation and just went silent. And so I turned around to see what they were looking at, and there was Sidney Poitier walking around. He was shaking hands with people that he knew at a table. And for some reason, that was like- I thought you were going to say shaking hands with everyone. No, no, no.

He was not running for anything. He was running for mayor of lunch. Yeah, kissing a few babies. For whatever reason, that was like running for mayor of lunch. Yeah, kissing a few babies. But he, that was, for whatever reason, that was like seeing somebody out of mythology. I guess it's because

you never see pictures of him anywhere. You know what I mean? And he's not really active anymore. Don't look straight at him, you'll turn to stone. That's if he looked at you.

Oh, right, sorry. Two of my favourite movies as a child, To Serve With Love and Dirty Harry. That's awesome. I wish it could have been you. I'm i'm sorry clint is interested like i was watching uh gran torino not long ago and that's you know because in that his whole character is like you know his

kids coming around and going oh dad you're too old you're too old to do anything you're a useless old man and then you like and you go well yeah he is very old but also he's directing this whole film like he's doing it's like so but also he's directing this whole film. It's so weird where he's sitting there in this thing and having characters tell him that he needs to go to a home, yet beyond that he's telling them what to do. It's such a strange setup. Is that his real voice in that movie? He sounds really bad.

He's not well. It sort of seemed like he was doing a bit of a character. Oh, was it? For a change after decades of doing the same thing. Well, it's been a similar thing to Million Dollar Baby. It's the same kind of deal. I've never seen that movie. It's a bit of an old man. Can I spoil it for you? Are you ever going to see it? No.

You've had your chance. Yeah. Well, at the end, she breaks her neck on a stool in the ring. Her opponent knocks her down, and she falls, and she hits her head on the stool that's ringside, which I think that's the reason why they're not supposed to be in the ring while the fight is happening. Was there a need?

I don't understand why there's furniture in there. It might have been a bit of foul play. I can't remember all that well. Hopefully after that movie came out, the boxing industry lobbied to get them taken out. Probably. It changed a lot of people's minds. But then the furniture industry probably put their foot down. Exactly.

You know, the boxing commission's in the pocket of big furniture. But then the movie takes this horrible turn where she is on life support and she's sort of begging Clint Eastwood to uh to euthanize her uh against the wishes of her family and then he does so but it's but the whole rest of the movie is this sort of inspiring story of this woman who wants to be a boxer yeah and he trains her and then all I could think when this happened was why did that have to happen yeah Yeah, I had the same thing. I was watching it on TV a little while ago. I'd never seen it before and I was, you know,

not doing anything on Friday night. I'm like, oh, this is really good and it was getting really interesting. I'm like, oh, this is it. And then that happens. I'm like, did I sit on the remote and change the channel? It's almost over. It's almost over. Yeah, you go, girl.

Oh, no. Yeah, that would be funny if you walked out the room before the end and then you come back in. What did I miss? You know that great boxing movie? I think her head got hit by a chair and then someone pulled the plug. The end. It goes from like, you know, step it up to one flew over the cuckoo's nest

within about two minutes. It's bizarre. What about this? This happened to us last night, and Paul, I want to get your opinion. You've lived here a little while now. I want to know if this is like a bit of a standard Los Angeles encounter or if this is like a weird thing to have happen to us. I bet it probably is.

Is this what I think it is? This is what you believe it to be. I'll take the driver's seat on this one. And Carl, you try them in as you see fit. So we went out last. We went to a show last night. We went and watched comedy at What's Up Tiger Lily. We went to their fifth anniversary show.

It was a good show. It was a very good show. Yeah, it was great. And then we were walking back along Sunset and we stopped in at the Cat and Fiddle. I don't know if you know that establishment. Yes, I do. I know it very well. That was one of my haunts when I first moved to town.

Oh, great. That was a bar that me and my friends would go to all the time. Right. It's nice. We don't go there anymore. Oh, well. It's not that great a place. Oh, okay.

It is funny how it's like trying to be like a bit of a British pub. Oh, yeah. We were saying that the only thing really British about it is that you're outside in this courtyard and there's like these heads, these dismembered heads just hanging from a tree, like these mannequin heads. Oh, that might be for Halloween. Oh, okay, right. I don't believe that's all the time. Okay, right.

Although I haven't been there in a while, so maybe that's a new thing. It seems like that's the only, like taken out of context, there's all trees and stuff and just a couple of human heads hanging down, like skulls hanging down. It's not anything that really says Halloween. It's just this is a bit of a rotten place. I feel like, and this is coming from someone, coming from a country. Wait, wait, wait, wait. So it's like they don't really keep the place up that well.

Like, oh, look at this. There's like skulls in the trees. Don't use the bathroom. Well, coming from someone who, like I've said, we don't really get into Halloween that much in Australia, I feel like if you're going to start putting Halloween decorations around, you at least need a pumpkin somewhere to signify that this... You should. One should.

You can't just put dead bodies in the corner and go, no, that's for Halloween. It's July. How many times can you use that as an excuse for murder around LA? Oh, Halloween. It's April. Yeah, times can you use that as an excuse for murder around LA? Oh, Halloween. It's April. Yeah, you can never be too early. So just quickly, if I may deviate, just back on, we were staying in Planet Hollywood. This is something I wanted to mention.

Planet Hollywood, all the rooms have a different movie theme to them. What was your room's theme, Carl? Mine was, I don't know if it was a movie, it was more of a Roy Rogers theme. Can I say, for some reason, it surprised me that you had separate rooms. I don't know why, but until you said that, I just, for some reason,

I guess I assumed you were staying in the same room. You pictured a bunk, didn't you? I pictured that you guys had made a bunk. Let's get these beds on top of each other. You'll be glad to know that we are sharing a room I pictured a bunk, didn't you? I pictured that you guys had made a bunk. Okay, yeah. Let's get these beds on top of each other. You'll be glad to know that we are sharing a room here in Los Angeles. We're sleeping in a little fort that we've made in the corner of the room. Whereabouts are you staying while you're here?

On Sunset. Okay. In what neighborhood? In Hollywood? Yeah, in Hollywood. All right. At the Saharan. So that makes the cat and fiddle your local.

Pretty much. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So yours makes the cat and fiddle your local. Pretty much. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So yours was one of the lodges. When in LA, we choose to stay at the Saharan. The little dum-dum club chooses to stay at the Saharan. I like it Saharan and not Sahara in case it infringes on some form of copyright laws for Sahara. It's a sort of theme. It's got a Saharan theme.

So the theme in my hotel room in Planet Hollywood was the movie Scream. So I had a coffee table in it that had in it, in a glass case, the knife, just so if shit goes down in the middle of the night, I could bust that open and take that out. And then right next to my bed, literally right next to where my head was, was a giant replica of the Scream mask, just right next to where my head was was a giant replica of the scream mask just right next to where i was sleeping which waking up as we were saying with jet lag in a haze at 3 a.m was the single most terrifying experience of my whole life not knowing where i am and just seeing in the dark

oh god did it genuinely startle you it did it really did but hey maybe it's just halloween maybe it's just a hallow it's just a Halloween thing. They don't have that scream room all year round. Yeah, it's a battery's not included in April. In the bathroom, just above the bathtub, was a photo of the young couple in it just before they get murdered. So you can sit there with your sweetheart and enjoy a nice jacuzzi while, oh, look at them, they're about to get nicked. Such a weird... I don't know, certain movie.

I mean, I guess it's a big play, so there must be, you know, certain points. It's a lot of themes that they have to come up with. Anyway, getting back to the cat. And you can't cheat and just do sequels. Yeah, that's true. There's a Star Wars room, there's the Empire Strikes Back room. There's a Phantom Menace room that's just littered with Jar Jar Binks stuff everywhere. That's the James Bond floor.

So we're at the Cat and Fiddle, our local, last night. And we're sitting there having a drink with an Australian friend of ours who's in town. In the Paul F. Tompkins room. In the suite. And this girl comes over who had met our friend at the bar and just got talking to us. And, you know, she was a little bit drunk and I was just being a bit stupid and just saying whatever. And she sort of zeroes in on me and goes, oh, you're a little bitch. I love you.

You're so bombastic. You're great. You're such a bombastic little bitch. And I'm like, just, okay, I guess that's good. So then this keeps going on and we're just sort of talking a bit of shit to her. And then her mum comes out. And where did it go from there? It got weird very quickly as soon as the mum appeared.

They said, oh, this is my mother. And she was a very young-looking mother for this girl that was out there. The girl that was there originally was quite attractive. Her mum comes out who didn't, who was in, sort of had the same body shape as the daughter. So she looked very good and we went, they said, oh, this is the mum. We went, no way, that's not really your mother. You know, said all the things that you need, you should be saying, you know. They're saying, oh, how old are you?

Oh, 49. No way, you're not 49. You must be, you know, you must have had your kid when you were three years old, you know. I wasn't doing it to be flattering. I literally thought it was turning into a scam. Right. Scam. And those heads behind us were like the victims of the scams from the night before.

Exactly. It's a warning. So, yeah, yeah. So we just flattered her. You know, what you should be doing. And I think she took it a bit too seriously, though, the flattering that we sort of did. Yeah. So the next thing that happened was she was sitting on Carl's lap

really trying it on, really having a crack, like really arm around him. She's going for it. Yeah, and then the son has turned up as well and he's just sitting there, just watching his mum. The whole family is sitting there

like these kids in their 20s and 30s are sitting there watching their mum sit on my knee and hugging me and groping me and kissing me and all this sort of stuff and just going, yeah, that's cool. And then they got to the end of the night and they went, anyway, mum, we've got to go now. And they were like, cool to leave her sitting on my knee and cracking onto me. What sort of children are they? And the mum was also trying to be kind of like cool and fun and like, oh, I'm so drunk. her sitting on my knee and cracking onto me. What sort of children are they?

And the mum was also trying to be kind of like cool and fun and like, oh, I'm so drunk. And then starts going, yeah, I've lost my job and yeah, I've got no money. I moved out here and yeah, now I've got no money. And just see that weird thing of trying to, telling a pretty sad story, but then trying to be really drunk and fun about it at the same time. It's a bit like, just don't bring that up. And then Brooks then grabbed me and went to put a tongue down my throat and I did that horrible thing of having to grab her and push her away and go, yeah, it was really great to meet you.

I was being a good mate by just sitting there taking photos of the whole thing. Yeah, that was good. I was enjoying that a lot. That was a good effort. Now, how long was she sitting on your lap? About half an hour. Yeah. Yeah, a little while. sitting on your lap? About half an hour. Yeah. Yeah, a little while.

And does your girlfriend listen to the podcast? No. We'll be making sure that she doesn't hear this one. This famous Lost episode a little. Yeah, that's not a thing that doesn't happen a lot, but it doesn't happen as much as you would think. Right, okay. No, that is not a regular thing.

It's not just L.A. living. I thought that happened every night, and then during the day you got mugged. Yeah, broad daylight. Our famous broad daylight muggings. Well, because the weather's so nice here. Why wait until it cools off at night? Yeah. Well, because the weather's so nice here. Why wait until it cools off at night? Yeah.

Yeah, the kids leaving her there, it doesn't surprise me, I guess, because where were they going to learn responsibility? You know what I mean? Yeah, right. They don't seem to have the best role model there at home. So it's not, I guess for them, maybe it's like, this is how mom earns a living. This is, you know, this is how bills get paid. Yeah. Well, the son, I thought the son, I thought I'm going to get in a fist fight. I'm going to get into fisticuffs.

When this guy sees what's going on. Yeah. Yeah. He's going to come in and want to fight me. But he was like, oh, good for mom. I think he was too busy trying to crack onto another girl at the table. Yeah. Yeah.

Maybe he was excited you were going to be his new dad. That was it. That didn't come up. That's what she, the older lady started saying And they all took it on board And it all became this funny little game Except for the bit where her tongue darted towards my tonsils At one point the girl's boyfriend rocked up

The girl who we'd started talking to originally Now this was just a girl that happened to be there. This was not a friend of your friend. This is the other weird thing. She worked there, but it was her night off. That's a bit of a weird thing, isn't it? To go to the bar that you work on your night off. Isn't that generally seen as like, you don't do it?

It's a bit weird to, you know, you're mates with all the people that work there, and now you're going, yep, come on, serve me, please, bring me stuff. I always worked retail jobs before I started doing comedy full time and I would never go into a place where I was working in my off hours. It was just, I don't know, you just have enough of that place, you know,

day in and day out. Why would you ever make a special trip to go into it? Yeah, and you also feel weird like when you work. And bring your mum. Well, that is true. Anytime if I had to do it, I would call up my mother. So you please come with me to this bookstore.

So the girl's boyfriend has rocked up at one point, but I misheard and I thought it was like her dad. So like the girl, the woman that was cracking on to Carl, like her ex-husband or something. Right.

And so I was thinking, man, shit, shit is really going to go down now. The dad and the son are going to go in and- Trick or treat. We're having a real Los Angeles experience. Yeah. And then they mugged me. We didn't have to pay for the tour or anything. We just got it for free.

Well, with you being a resident, we've only been here a couple of days. Can you give us some tips of what we're missing? We don't really know what we're missing out on yet. If you've got anything, what's the staple diet of the LA tour for tourists like us? Staple diet of the LA tour? Yeah. What should we do? What's some stuff we should do?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's much better. Let me think. Let me think. Let me think. Anything that doesn't require a passport would be handy. Probably won't get in anyway. Well, you don't want to go to that international bar. Yeah, it's like, what's strange about Los Angeles is that it's all these, it's a number of very different cities that are all loosely connected.

So the experience that some people have, I remember a friend of mine who lives on the East Coast, who's a TV writer. And he was like, yeah, I don't know if I could live in L.A. Because there was some news story about, uh, news story. There was some story about Lindsay Lohan, you know, the latest escapades and, um, you know,

getting in some car accident or something. He was saying, yeah, you know, you have to encounter stuff like that. I was like, I never see stuff like that. I never,

ever see stuff like that because I go to the places that I like to go. Um, and the, the, the places that I like to go have nothing to do with that weird, gross sort of disco world. Disco world sounds good. Where's that?

Yeah. Disco world is... It's the top floor of the Capitol Records building. Oh, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a secret elevator that you have to bring your passport. I'm sorry. I'll be fine.

I'll just go on my own. You have to bring five different fast food Cheeseburgers In order to gain entry Well we've got two No we've got three We've got three so far We need two more I'll just go to Wherever the 50 year old

Women hang out While you're up there I would say If you want to have like If you want to see Some famous people Go to the The Chateau Marmont

Ah yes Have lunch there During the day Okay And you will see some famous people, go to the Chateau Marmont. Oh, yes. Have lunch there during the day. Okay. And you will see some famous people sitting out there in their sunglasses. Awesome. And it's weird. It's always like weird combinations of famous people who are having lunch together.

It's like, oh, I guess they know each other. Like who? You know. Well, I'm glad you asked me for an example. Walter Matthau and Grace Jones? Exactly. You know what? I met Grace Jones at the Chateau Marmont. Oh, really? Yes. know well i'm glad you asked me for an example walter mathau and grace jones exactly you know what i met grace jones at the chateau oh really yes i have a friend who who lives in new york and anytime he comes here he stays at the chateau and so he always always will have people over uh to

have dinner with him because why wouldn't you do that you know and so he's treated like a king there because he's a regular guest um and some you know it's always some company puts him up so he never has to worry about it it is jay-z of course my my friend jay-z that's right um he's actually in the car should i call him yeah he's keeping it running because i couldn't find a meter. So I was there. It was around the time of the Grammys or something like that. So we were hanging out in the lobby, and all these music people were just running all over the place. It was nuts.

And my friend was telling me, like, yeah, the other night I met Grace Jones. She came up to my table sitting with friends and said something to my friend like, I have been looking at you and you are magical. And then they talked for a while and she kissed his hands or something like that and then left. and she like kissed his hands or something like that and then left. Like he's telling me that story. Ten minutes later, Grace Jones walks in and throws her arms open to him and they hugged and then she met everyone

and had like a weird little compliment to give everyone. Like you are something that shines in the darkness. You know, like things like that. And then she went away and she was wearing like this weird mesh hat that had no crown on it. So it was just like this sort of disc that was circling her head. And then your friend turned her into a frog? Oh, wait, have I told you the story? So that's the kind of place that that is.

Yeah, great. I think I might go as just hearing that story. I might go as Grace Jones for Halloween. That sounds like a great idea. Probably a pretty easy costume to put together sounds awesome yeah so uh this happened uh i'm presuming that this was um in the can as they say before you came down to australia last time but it hadn't been on and we didn't know anything about it you since we talked to you last you're you were in an episode of curb your enthusiasm which is quite a popular show in australia how

was how was that because larry david Larry David would be one of my all-time wanting to bump into. After you found out that I was in that episode, you seemed sort of upset with me that I did not mention it at the time. But yes, I got a sort of angry comment on Facebook. That was... No, no, sorry.

It was my friend putting the trailer for the season on my Facebook wall and putting Tompkins but spelling your name with an H. Of course. And then you came out of nowhere and corrected him. He was like, because he'd seen your comedy festival show and he was like, oh, how great is this? He's hanging shit on me.

I forgot the sequence of events. It was a blast. It was so much fun. And there's something about a TV show that's been on the air for a while and it's successful where everybody's super relaxed. You know what I mean? So nobody's worried, especially on cable where you don't have to worry about ratings as much. Yeah. Everybody's just having a good time. Yeah. And it was one of

the best sets I've ever been on. And he was super nice and it was so much fun to improvise with him. Yeah. Yeah. You know, and we did, we only do a few takes because, um, for them, the danger is that it will become too written. Yeah. If you, if you, cause you, you written. Because you're not making it completely different every take. You're adding things and you're changing things up, but essentially you're still telling the same story. So you can't... Because you get an outline of the scene. It's got to start here and end here and whatever. Here's the things that have to happen.

We have to get them out the door on this idea. That kind of thing. And it was a lot of fun. Yeah. It was nothing but fun from start to finish. Yeah, he's like my number one that I'd love to bump into because I was saying to Carl yesterday that, you know, you worry that if you meet someone that you kind of really like or whatever that, oh, what if I make a dick of myself and what if it's a bit of an awkward

experience? Yeah. But because that's his whole character, I almost feel like that would be better. Like if you had a completely shitty interaction with him where he was a bit of a dick or you really embarrassed yourself like that's that's kind of what you want you know it's like you want you want Don Rickles to hang shit on you you want

you know you want to be really awkward you want Grace Jones to call you magical it's win win it's either you know he's super nice and friendly or he's the worst jerk in the world. Yeah, in which case, yeah, validated. I would bet he probably mixes it up.

He's like, I'm going to be nice to this one. Sure, sure. Yeah, that'd be great. Is he in LA or is he in New York? I don't know where he is right now. Can you find out? He might be in the car with JC. Let me call down there.

That couple can never be separated. I have an open-door policy in my car. Anyone is welcome. That couple can never be separated. I have an open door policy in my car. Anyone is welcome. That was a big mistake. You know, teaming up with Kanye, watch the throne, boring. That's the Jay-Z, Larry, David mashup. That's what we've got to get going. If we can achieve one thing while we're in this town, let it be that.

You don't look on board at all, Carl. You don't look on board with that at all. It just seems like the silliest idea And I can't make it any sillier I just gave up Well guys, I think that just about brings us to the end Of a little Dumb Dumb Club for another week We're getting hungry

It's time to have more hamburgers Mix it up with a chicken sandwich at least Yeah, well I had one of them at 2am last night Just as a little treat after watching this. For health reasons. Yeah, yeah. Just to cleanse the palate. It's like a sorbet.

Paul, thank you so much for joining us again. People can see your, people can hear your podcast, the Pod F Tomcast. Yeah, that's true. What else have you got coming up that you can plug? What else have I got coming up? I just recorded an hour-long special for Comedy Central. It was the show that I did in Melbourne, actually. Oh, yes.

That'll be airing not until the spring. Thank you very much. So if you missed out, keep an eye out for that. Check it out. I bet I got other stuff, but I can't think of it. Well, you were on Rove LA, Rove's new show for Foxtel, which I don't have Foxtel at the moment, but knowing what I know about Foxtel,

I'm sure they've already replayed that about 800 times since you recorded it. Wait, I'll be rich. Check that out. We will see you next time with more special American mates of the show. Thanks so much for listening. Thanks again, Paul.

And we'll see you next time. See you, mates. See you, mates. I almost jumped in with a see you, mates. Oh, I always want people to. Really? Yes. No one ever does.

No one's done it yet.