The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 56 - Scott Aukerman

Episode Date: October 25, 2011

The Grievances Episode, Michael Caine's Back and Naked Photos. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey mates, welcome into the little dum-dum club for another week. My name is Tommy Dasolo. Sitting opposite me is my co-host Carl Chandler. G'day dickhead. We are still coming to you from Los Angeles, California. We are currently recording in the Earwolf Studios. We want to say thanks to those guys for bringing us in. Thanks to Dustin for working the pots and pans for us.

It's been good so far. We're still here. We're still hanging out. I flooded the bathroom in our hotel room this morning. That was sort of feels like the clincher of what's so far you and me sharing a room together. Yeah, yeah. I feel like I'm back at university. Yeah.

Sharing a house with someone that's never lived out of home before and, like, you flooded the bathroom. You're like, I don't know how I did it. I'm like, I know how you did it. You left the shower door open, the shower curtain open, and the water went everywhere and you're like, I don't know how this happened. There's only two or three bits of water in the bathroom where it could possibly come from.

It's pretty easy to figure out. Yeah, look, I mean, I know how it happened. Just the exact scientifics of it had escaped me. But, you know, it's fine. We got to have a bit of fun mopping up the water. I do like it. I don't think you did have any fun mopping up the water. No, I thought you'd enjoy it.

I thought you'd enjoy doing it more. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You walked out and went, I don't know what happened in there, and then went and read a book. Like, the fucking bathroom's underwater. Because you're saying, like, I don't know about living at a home. It's just like being in a room with someone older than me. I just think you're my mum whenever we're in the room.

So, you know, that's why I'm always asking you to get my lunch for me and fold my clothes and... You're an idiot. Today on the show, we've got a very special guest. He is the co-founder of Earwolf, the studios that we're currently in. He hosts Comedy Bang Bang. He's the director of Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis. Please welcome into the Little Dumb Dumb Club, Scott Aukerman.

Yay! Hi, Tommy. Hi. Carl. So you witnessed Kyle's hissy fit at the back of your gig, Comedy Bang Bang, on Tuesday night. I did not witness it. There was a hissy fit, there was a hissy fit

My ears are always up for Hissy fits It hasn't stopped At lunch today I copped it as well Kyle, and I even went They said what's your name? Kyle See Chicken burger for Kyle

See again Scott's just looking at you with this look going What are you saying differently? You just said the same thing twice Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle Your voices are ugly Is what I'm trying to say A dingo stole the pronunciation of my name

We should also mention I am, by the way, co-founder of Earwolf the Studios Like, that's one offounder of Earwolf The Studios. That's one of my credits. Earwolf The Studios. Not the company. Oh, right. No, no, no. You built this room with your bare hands.

This is your table. Yeah. Well, this is an interesting thing for us and maybe for you. I mean, we're recording our show in your studio that you record your show in every week. So I imagine for you, this is maybe just going to feel like an episode of your show where you've just got two shitty guests on how do i sell this one guys two unknowns from uh australia um no this is uh you know what i love being on on other people's shows because i don't have to drive it yeah well i mean i was gonna say if you could help out and steer the ship at any time that'd be coming up on the show today.

He's all over it. He's all over it. So, yeah, you built this studio with your bare hands and a bit of love. And with rock and roll. Yep. Love rock and roll. Same way I built the city. Bare hands. Yeah.

This whole city. People may also know you as, not to make it awkward, but the judge solely responsible for us losing the E-Wolf Challenge. Now, come on just because it was a tie and it came to me there was another person who also didn't vote for you there's more people that hate you than just me no i didn't hate you i uh i i thought you guys were gonna win it honestly and you were trying to stop that from happening no i i will be fair okay so if you don't know what they're talking about, you guys were involved in...

Oh, you're driving the show. Lovely. We've failed our own job already. Yeah, we were in a podcast. You were in a contest. Yes, yes. It's impossible at this point that people listening to the show don't know about it because we've been harping on about it.

No. Every show is someone's first, guys. Okay, okay. All right. This is why you lost the Earwolf Challenge. Exactly. Context Challenge. Yeah. guys okay all right this is why you lost the earwolf challenge exactly context challenge yeah no you were involved in this challenge and you you uh it was down to you and another podcast totally lame who ended up winning and uh yeah you guys were uh you for a while totally lame were the front runners then you guys became front runners and uh the the very last episode

uh you guys blew it. We blew it. We did blow it. We were a guest on Totally Lame the other day. Oh, good. As part of our plan to sort of bring them down from the inside. So we did our best to do a- Sleeper cell.

Dirlingly shit job on this show. No, you guys were funny. It was very, very close. It was really close. I think if you talk to Jeff about it, he would say that even I expected Jeff to vote for you because you were his favorites the entire time. It's funny, like, you and Jeff both thinking that the other one was going to vote for us. Like, it seems like you should have synced up a bit more before you get, like, two women wearing the same dress to a party and not coordinating. I thought you were going to talk about two women living in the same house and their menses synced up. Yeah, well, it's the two of you recording.

Me and Jeff have done that. Yeah, well, recording in the same studio for so long, your voting ideals synced up. You were also responsible, and we've talked about this on the show. I think we may have talked about it on the show. Certainly all of our friends know about it. The Zach Galifianakis. Here we go.

Wow, this is the grievances episode. Yeah, really. Just getting this out of the way so that we can move on. Yeah, you don't go to my great credits first. You don't want to talk about those. You just want to talk about how I wronged you. We didn't even mention how you built the studio. Yeah, that's true.

You did give me that. Yeah. We're just going to talk about how you built the complexes that are within our heads at the moment. Well, I mean, I think it's interesting to talk about for people who don't know. Because I don't know if we have discussed this particular element. There was a challenge in the E-Wolf Challenge where we were told we were going to have an hour with Zach Galifianakis over Skype. And we told everyone. We told every single –

Yeah, you were bragging. And that was part of your downfall. Part of the – Pride cometh before the fall. Yep, yep. And then, as it turned out, we were never going to be talking to Zach the whole... How dare you even think you would be? Who are you?

It's fun to dream. He's an international movie star. And it turns out, as it turns out, you were the man who came up with the idea. Yeah, well, we were talking about, I think Jeff had a really, an idea for that challenge that was not going to be very exciting. And we were kind of talking it over about what the challenge could be. And I started thinking, we were just kind of spitballing on the phone. And I started remembering, or just thinking about other TV shows that have reality shows that have challenges. And I realized one of the biggest tropes of those shows is the twist, the twist challenge,

where they come, they tell you you're going to be doing something like on Project Runway. Well, you're going to be designing for a beautiful model. And then, oh, by the way, your mom is going to be one of the models. So I just was like, oh, we should do some sort of fake out kind of twist kind of thing like they do on those shows. That would have been awesome if instead of Zach Galifianakis, it had been our moms on Skype for an hour trying to derail the conversation. That actually would be kind of funny.

That's not a bad idea. That would be a good idea for season two, maybe. We didn't know if your moms were dead or alive. We didn't want to be insensitive. That's going to be in season two. That's going to be on the form, the questionnaire. Are your moms dead or alive? And do they have Skype? No, you don't even ask. And if they are dead, they just have to sit on a silent Skype call for all day. And cry. That would have been quite good if you said, no, sorry, we couldn't get your mom. And then we would have been great.

We don't have to talk to your mom for now. That would have been a nice surprise. See, the thing I found most enjoyable about it from the devious standpoint of coming up with that as a prank so to speak is that uh you you really i mean the whole thing of the idea of the challenge was sometimes people pull out and now you've just got to do whatever you know you've just got to make something good in half an hour and you could have used any name you know know what I mean? It didn't have to be someone so massive. Well, I wanted it to be believable, but also someone that you would be really excited by so that the fall would be...

Yeah, exactly. Why couldn't it have been Leif Garrett or Danny Bonaduce or something that we wouldn't have been distraught over? Well, plus I thought... I really liked the idea because I thought it would jazz up the Monday coaching sessions, which by that point had gotten a little dull for me. So I just thought it would be really fun to hear Matt, like,

giving you advice about that. Yeah, that was weird how he started giving us advice about how not to kill ourselves. I'm like, what's the context of this? Guys, you know, I wish Zach was in town right now. I would have brought him by today so you could have had your chance. I tried to bring Sarah, by the way. Sarah.

Oh, really? But she was working. Sorry about that. It's just me. I mean, you do owe us. You do owe us someone. Yeah, I'm sorry about that. I'm sorry you guys were so bummed, but I thought it was funny.

We found it funny, too. You guys did well in that challenge, as I recall. Yeah, I mean, people seem to think that we were, I don't know, I thought we were being comedy angry, and it felt like a couple of people on the forum thought we were being too vicious. No, no, no, you guys were being comedy angry. I think those same people are probably believing that now after hearing you go on about it for now 10 minutes.

Yeah, I mean, every single time I've seen you or talked to you, you brought it up, so comedy angry is veering dangerously close. Yeah, I believe when I met you, I mean, every single time I've seen you or talked to you, you brought it up. So, Comedy Angry is veering dangerously close. Yeah, I believe when I met you, I said, here is the man who ruined my hopes and dreams. You'll get him someday, guys. You'll get him. He's got to get less popular at some point. Exactly. He's got to fuck up somewhere.

When he's touring The Hangover 6, The Hangover goes down under. We're sure to get him there. He meets Paul Hogan. It takes them three more to get to being down under? What are they doing before that? They're searching for Curly's gold. If they go UK, there's a sign of Miami Beach. He's doing the electric boogaloo.

There's all sorts of things he can do before he goes down under. There's got to be the prequel. Hangover meets the Muppets That's happening this Thanksgiving You can probably set up some meetings for us Now to pitch those ideas Have you guys been taking meetings while you've been out here? What have you guys been doing?

This is our first one Is this a meeting? Well I do have a spare development deal Tommy I'm not from Hollywood But I don't know if meetings go well Oh my gosh Well I do have a spare development deal If you want one Tommy I'm not from Hollywood But I don't know if meetings go well Really? When you come into the meeting

And you start airing your grievances First straight away I'm not sure that's how you get a deal I might be wrong It's not a bad technique I heard a really funny story Do you guys know Whitney Cummings or no? I know of her

We've seen the billboards She's got three shows on the air this year That she wrote or is a producer on and I heard my friend was on the lot and about to go

pitch his show and saw Whitney and they know each other and my friend was like hey do you mind coming into the meeting and just sitting there in the corner

the entire time and not mentioning why you're there so the executives would be like Whitney what are you doing and she's like I just want to keep an eye on this one. And did it work?

She didn't do it. She was on her way to something else. So his idea was that it would be a bit of a power play. Yeah, yeah, to bring in. Coming with her as backup. Because she got three shows on the air this year. Sure, yeah, yeah. Is that what you were doing when you were going to bring Sarah Silverman here,

just to impress us? Yeah, and she would just sit silently in the corner we had to the podcast that's good if we saw her going near the mic i get back away from the mic step away mics are for closers so you're um uh you know we're talking about uh you know you you uh you're you're big part of the la comedy scene do you mean part how long have. How long have you lived in Los Angeles for? You know, I grew up in California just right outside L.A. Oh, okay, right. So I went away to college for a little while.

I went to acting schools and then toured a little bit across the U.S. with theaters and then moved back here in 94 sure because you saw us the other night when we met sarah get a bit uh you know starstruck and we did the nerdy thing and we got a photo with her which is perfectly understandable well does that ever happen to you i mean you're so you mean you're friends with all these like big people i mean do you ever get oh do i ever get photos i wish you know have you ever taken a photo before i've never taken a photo tell me about your first photo i actually when we do the between two ferns stuff i i never think to do it i should because everyone else around me is doing it like when we had bruce willis on you know like yeah yeah the entire crew it seemed like was

going up there first of all i don't like that i don't like the crew going up to a star and saying hey can i take a photo with you? I actually, like, after it happened with the Willis episode, like, I made sure that no one did that anymore. But I never think to do that. Like, I've met a whole bunch of really cool people, and I've never gotten a photo hardly with anyone. The one person I did make sure to get photos with was Paul Rubens, when I did the Paul Rubens episode.

Yeah, that was really great. So there was a professional photographer there, and I took some really cool pictures with him. Well, speaking of, this has intrigued me. Speaking of photos? Speaking of what? Speaking of words, here's some more. We went past the... Hard work.

Start right at the beginning. We went through, we went past the, what's it called, the Scientology Center for Celebrities Is that what it's called? Celebrity Center Now, I don't know exactly what Do you know what that is? That's where they keep all the people that are celebrities

They lock them up It's like the museum of Yeah, it's like a wax museum with real life people Yeah, right Two sodes, maybe, for your listeners. Right. I don't know. That sort of intrigues me.

Everything about celebrity in this town, I guess, intrigues us because we don't have any in Melbourne, sort of. But with that place, I guess what my feeling is with the Scientology Centre, how do you... I'm getting there. I am getting there. What the fuck are you trying to say? How do you gauge... Call, call. How do you gauge... What do you I'm getting there I'm getting there What the fuck are you trying to say

How do you gauge Carl Carl How do you gauge What are you saying I'm about to get there How do you gauge Who's a celebrity There

Like how do they Boy Do they have some sort of charter Where they go right You've only You know You were in Valerie Harper's show

In 1995 Valerie's family Yeah you're in Valerie's family You don't quite get to be in here You've got to 1985. Valerie's family? Yeah, you're in Valerie's family. You don't quite get to be in here. I think it's anyone who has been either a co-star or above on a TV show who's willing to give them 50% of their money. Right.

I think that's pretty much what it is. So would you be able to go in there? Were I willing to give them 50% of my money? Yeah, I certainly would. Would they say, that's okay, you you're enough you're enough of a celebrity i don't know what are you trying to this is turning into an insult about me all of a sudden it's not an insult about you at all i'm just trying to find why am i the bellwether for your fantasies surely if they open a podcasting wing of that center yeah exactly

you and mark mariner be straight in there yeah well i guess it's a whole ball wouldn't it's all ball one family went in there would they pick and choose wouldon would be straight in there. Yeah. But if the whole Baldwin family went in there, would they pick and choose? Would they let them all in? Yeah, who's the lowest on the Daniel Baldwin totem pole? Daniel? Daniel the lowest? Yeah. That would be awkward if they split up a family.

By the way, I would love to see a Baldwin totem pole. Yeah. If any of your listeners would like to Photoshop one of those up, I would love to see one. A few of our listeners are into wood carving. If we can make that happen. Who would be on the bottom then?

Is the least important on the top or on the bottom? I've always found that the least important is on the bottom. Yeah, surely. What are you going by? Both in fame and bunk beds.

But if you're the most important then you'd be at the bottom because you need a strong... Like if you have a weak Baldwin brother at the bottom, surely the whole thing will collapse. So you're saying a totem pole foundation, strongest should be at the bottom because you need a strong... Like, if you have a weak Baldwin brother at the bottom, surely the whole thing will collapse. So you're saying a totem pole foundation, strongest should be on the bottom. Yeah.

You have Alec at the bottom. Huh. You're talking about popularity. Like, that more comes down to body strength, surely. Body strength and power and everything. What about fattest on the bottom? Well, that's the same. It works exactly the same with the Baldwin brothers.

Then it would definitely be Daniel, I think. Is Daniel the fattest? I thought Alec... I think Daniel... Daniel's on Celebrity Fit Club, which is a weight loss celebrity show. I think. They're one of those families where it's sort of like, you know, you see your main celebrity, you see your Alec, and then when you find out the brothers, you go, oh, they're slightly disformed versions of the original, you know?

Are there any Baldwin brothers who never went into acting? Like, is there, you know, Johnny Baldwin out out there johnny baldwin that's johnny baldwin the bad baldwin brother yeah the bbb so what's actually happening now is you've stumbled into a pitch for our new show on earwolf called baldwin talk how's it going bald talk bald talk uh yeah legs it's got it's got legs i don't know if it has legs into another minute, let alone a show. It would be once a month, not a weekly show. Oh, no, say no more, say no more. We check in with the balds.

Yeah, we're giving them plenty of time to sort of do stuff. See maybe if one of them has a birthday, that'll probably happen, you know. Yeah, depending on what's happening in their life. Every third show. In their career that week, you rearrange the totem pole to see who's doing better. Sure, yeah, it's a big part of the show. Give Alec time to do some stuff on Twitter. I think only a three hour show though, once a month.

Three hours, yeah. I mean, we were going to push for four, but you've talked us down. You've got more experience in these matters. We'll bow to you then. Something that I've been championing on the show, it hasn't come up for a while, but I've been trying to bring back

quoting Austin Powers. Oh yeah, baby. Thank you for getting on board. And it was, I think, largely thanks to me, it was announced recently that they are doing the fourth installment, I believe. And you were in Goldmember, is that correct? I was, yeah. Blink and you'll miss me, but yeah, I'm in Goldmember, strangely enough, which is the third of our franchise. I I Blink and you'll miss me But yeah I'm in Goldmember Strangely enough Which is the third Of our franchise

When you When you're in A franchise like Austin Powers You can call it Your franchise Our franchise Yeah

Yeah we made three of those I was in the third And We really did well With that third one I decided that I Shouldn't be in the first two I thought I'll just

Come in in the third We're making a fourth. Making a fourth. I don't know whether I'll be back. The prequels, as you would call them. Number one and two. Were you in one of the prequel bits? Was that one of your characters?

No, I was young Michael Caine. Oh, really? In the third one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was an interesting audition because I auditioned for it a long time before I got it. Like usually when you audition for something, you hear the next day or something like that. I auditioned for it and I didn't hear anything about it for months, maybe three months or something like that. And then I heard I got it.

And so when I went to and they said, you have to go meet mike and uh jay roach the director over at uh where they were rehearsing so i went and i went to the studio and i watched uh mike myers rehearse what was i guess a dance he did with fake legs in the middle of that movie or something where he's crossing him and uncross i don't know what it was and i kind of hung out for a while and i met jay and i talked to mike and i was like oh yeah i was on mr show and and uh that was the first time i'd met jay of a few times and he's he's so nice and so interested in like anyone else who does comedy you know so we had a really nice conversation they're like okay well let's see what you can do um do you mind turning around for us i was like what now that's how a lot of auditions start by the way yeah yeah um so i

turned around and they went yeah that yeah okay and i think i think he said yeah baby and uh they said yeah that's great that'll work and i was like wait a minute i thought i was supposed to come here to do michael cain you know the stuff i did in the audition you know what i mean and uh they're like great okay you got it let's let's do this and i was like what the fuck am i doing here and i found out that they in the three months or so between my audition and when i did the part they uh decided and got the rights to this old michael kane movie that they were going to use all the close-ups of him actually in the 60s and then cut to my back basically doing all the action that he was gonna do so i never even got to say anything in the movie i just like wandered around and got in out of a car and like turned and peed into a river i remember and just you know did a lot of

backting as i call it and that was it and so i never even say a line in it or anything like that so so in your audition did you have to do a bit of a bit of michael cain yeah i was sort of doing like uh and god damn it's been 10 years i think it's sort of like uh i'm michael cain you know just stuff like that that's your carl chandler you were just doing that's my kyle carl no i thought you were just doing. Yeah, that's my Kyle Carl. No, I thought you were going to say that that's your Mick Dundee. That sounded like Hi, I'm Michael Caine and that's not enough. I'm Michael Caine that's not enough. I don't know. I can't remember how to do it especially

but you just watch some films and you do it and yeah, I was kind of bummed but it was really interesting being there because like Jay Roach at one point he came up to me and was like, hey, so what do you think you'd do with this scene? Like if you were to punch it up or anything like that? He was just asking me for jokes and stuff like that. I was basically a glorified extra, but it was really nice of him.

That's pretty cool. Yeah, he was really nice and revered on set too. Everyone on the crew just loves, loves, loves him. Yeah, cool. So you do a lot of, you just mentioned punch-up, you do a lot of uh you just mentioned punch up you do a lot of uh writing and punch up i do a lot of writing i don't do a lot of punch up anymore but yeah i have done it big uh i guess the big um whatever you want to call it um what do you want to call legend about kyle being in carl being in uh being in hollywood as a as a comic that a lot of punch

up work gets chucked away which sort of doesn't happen in australia it depends i mean yeah you yeah i can imagine that uh i mean how many movies do you guys make a year like what's the industry maybe one yeah maybe priscilla quinn in the desert yeah that's that's held us over for about whatever it's been now we've maybe due for another one we've got a remarkably unsuccessful film uh industry some would say remarkably successful when you like some of the biggest movies in the world have been australian movies yeah a couple Remarkably unsuccessful film industry, Dennis. Some would say remarkably successful. Some of the biggest movies in the world have been Australian movies. Yeah, a couple. We make a lot of bad ones.

Andrew Jack, the end. That's not ours. That's not ours. Number one at the box office for 48 weeks. I don't even count Crocodile Dundee in LA as ours. Yeah. I think that's yours. Just the first one. Yeah, yeah, just the first two.

Punch-Up, yeah, I used to do it a little bit more than i do it now now i'm a little too busy to do it but it's it can be it's really lucrative i remember the most money i've ever been paid for an hour was to do punch up on a movie called new york minute which was oh the olsen twins the olsen twins you guys know the olsen twins punch up the olsen twins oh i. I wish. Yeah, bro. Yeah, so I went in and I basically worked for an hour on that. Few mistaken identity gags in there, were there? No gags at all.

Oh. They just pitched a couple of things. I've told this story before, but basically what happened was the director was on video conference call from vancouver where where they were about to shoot so she was prepping everything on set and the writers were gathered uh in la here and the olsen twins manager was there also and he kept like he was this dude in like a really dirty t-shirt like a v-neck white t-shirt that was super dirty and sweaty and he kept excusing himself every 20 minutes to go to the bathroom, right? So I think he was doing coke or something. So the director was on video conference with her assistant, and we pitched a whole bunch of stuff for about an hour, and then all of a sudden,

what we found out was we froze on the director's screen. So we froze, but she did not. So we kept seeing the live feed of her but she assumed we couldn't because we were frozen so she's like hello hello ah this is frozen all right boy all right well we'll try to get him back and then she turns to her assistant she's like yeah this is an interesting process isn't it i mean um i'm not gonna do any of the stuff that these people are talking about this This is terrible. I mean, it's interesting to hear them, like, try to pitch stuff.

And we all just, like, were in shock and horror. And the producers of the movie, like, shut it down. Was like, okay, well, why don't we take a break here for a second? We took a 20-minute break when we came back. They were like, okay, well, I think that's going to be it for the day. We really thank you so much for being here. They shut it down basically out of embarrassment. Wow.

So I got paid five grand that day for one hour's worth of work. That sounds great. It was amazing. If you could hook up something like that for us for the rest of the day. I mean, we leave tomorrow morning. A lot of people would pay five grand to be humiliated by the Olsen twins. So that's a good switcheroo. That is true.

Yeah, but I think I've only gotten like one joke in any movie from any of those. Oh, what's the joke? It was in Looney Tunes Back in Action. And it was a lot of times you're there to write jokes for when the character's backs are turned. That's huge. Yeah, well's backs are turned that's huge yeah well it sounds like that's your that's your forte because they've already uh they've already shot the movie they can't they can't afford to shoot any more of the movie yeah so they basically every scene ends with like people walking away from camera so their backs are there and what they

want you to do is to write extra jokes that they can be saying this is the worst bum it's for all you know whatever like that kind of thing i can get you a job yes this is the worst bum it's of uh you know whatever that kind of thing so um no wonder people's faces don't want to be associated with lines like that so they're like if you watch for it in any movie it's just rampant in movies now anytime people are like walking off screen or whatever listen and there will be an obvious i have seen that yeah yeah at the end of scenes yeah yeah so i have one in there where um bugs bunny and some of the other looney tunes are on an elephant and they're uh they're on a safari or some something

and they're going away from camera and the the joke i wrote is something like bugs bunny saying uh daffy duck says oh wow look at the view or something and bugs bunny says yeah our view is great but the audience's is terrible they're looking at an elephant's behind so a bit of fourth wall breaking fourth wall breaking yeah that's that's what i do best that's pretty cool that's that's pretty cool to to for, you know, Warner Brothers cartoons. I mean, it could have been Space Jam. It could have been better. Marginally better.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, it was an interesting day. Those days are always really interesting. You go in, you watch the film, you, you know, like, and then they go, okay, what do you think? What do you got? And you're supposed to just, like, come up with just come up with jokes off the top of your head. I'm doing one on Monday, strangely enough. Still Warner Brothers?

Yeah, I'm exclusive to Warner Brothers cartoons right now. We can shift our flights if you want to maybe bring us in. Do you want to hook us up? God, I wish. I write well for the sides of people, so maybe we could make a team or something. Boy, don't I look thin? Yeah. Yeah. Check out the profile on me.

I write well for the groin area, which... I look like a thin Alfred Hitchcock. He was shot in profile, of course, for the... Yes. Yes. Our listeners are very smart. Very. So we've been...

It feels like we've been harping on about this with our guests, but it is fascinating to us in LA, the whole audition thing. It seems like that's a thing that, you know, you obviously do a lot. Yes, yes. Auditions, yes, people do them. That's a fact. Have you got any good, like, horror audition stories? Because that's what we're fascinated with on this show.

I had one really bad one where, in LA,., driving to auditions is like a huge thing. Like you'll get an audition and it'll be in Century City, which is the furthest. No, it's Sony. The furthest point away from where anyone lives in California is Sony Studios. And it'll be like, oh, great. I have, you know, I have to drive there two hours and I have to drive back for two hours in the middle of traffic. And, you know, so that's a big thing, is, like, coordinating your auditions everywhere.

So I went to one there, which was, they were doing work on the freeway, and it was just, it took me so long to get there. And when I walked in, the woman took a look at me and said, oh, you're not right for this. And I was like, oh like oh okay and she's like well tell you what i'll you know you made it all the way out here what about a different part i was like okay yeah she goes here read this and i read the part and it i said it's one word she's

like uh-huh i said and the word was no so i went no she went great job and then i had to spend another two hours leaving oh man it was really that was for what planet are you from as i recall that's the worst that's the thing i hate i go to auditions for some reason a lot i'm terrible at them but i go to these things and then the worst thing about them is is failing them doing a really bad job and then pretending that you're even in the same ballpark right and then two months later seeing them go to air and seeing the person who got it. Right.

And then being just like Arnold Schwarzenegger clones or something like that, where it's like, there is no sphere in which I was... They've made clones of Arnold Schwarzenegger? Yeah. That's what we do down there. It sells,

it shifts a lot of units. The Terminator is happening. Is this Skynet? Yeah. Yep. So, yeah, you see these models and stuff and they're not even speaking or anything.

And you, why am I even being called in for this? you know what because you're you got to start to specialize a little more you got to like specialize in like comedy performances right now you're up for too many good-looking guy performances there's always going to be someone better looking than you oh i mean you oh so you know what i mean like you got to get into just... Growing up, my mom and dad are telling me some hard truths. Go into the real world. You've got to go in and be the weirdo guy. Yeah. You know, that's where I see you fit in.

Oh, good. You know, be the weirdo who, like, the neighbor who comes in is like, Oh, my bathroom's flooded. Dare I ask, what would you pitch me as? You know what? You're kind of the lovable lout who uh you know has a plan and who comes in excited every day and uh the dad's like get away from my teenage daughter and you're like ah but i'm too horny and uh he says i know you're horny i'm horny too men are

horny all the time but put away your boner yeah and then you put away your boner and then you can relate to that i haven't seen my girlfriend in three months. I can certainly relate to that. Really? Why not? She's here, not in LA. We wouldn't be in this room right now together if she was in LA. She's living in Florida, working at Disney World. What's she doing there?

She comes up a lot. She's selling glow sticks. Oh. She's working in merchandising. All right. Can't do that in Australia? No. People don't want glow sticks over there.

We've got enough. Everyone's got too many. There's an influx of them. Yeah, there's a surplus of them. That's an interesting job for an interesting lady. It's an interesting thing to move continents for. Yeah, I don't... Are you sure this happened?

Whoa. She's just been hiding under her bed back in Australia. And she hasn't even bothered making up a good excuse either I'm selling glow sticks What the fuck do you want from me, Tommy? I realise that all the photos of her in Disney World Are just like she's gone into JB Hi-Fi And held up a Mickey Mouse DVD behind her head

It's just like a Mickey Mouse stuffed animal Yeah, yeah, oh, it looks great over there I've like fallen for it She's not even in a giant teacup ride She's just sitting with one in front of her on a desk. She just has a regular-sized teacup. Yeah, yeah, yeah, in front of her. Check this out.

Oh, I've heard about that ride. She's just standing in front of Bugs Bunny's back, who's then saying, Fuck off, Daslo. She's with me. Which you wrote! That's right. They're like,

Get Bugs out of here. He's not canonical. You punched up my relationship breaking up. That's good stuff. Are you guys really going to break up? Is she coming back or what's happening? No, I'm seeing her next week Yeah, but I mean

Oh, she's coming back in December She's coming back in December, okay Why is she coming back in December? Is the glow stick market drying up? It's not very yuletide over here, though I mean, you know, it's like New Year's Eve It's right around the corner You know what I mean?

I guess Occupy Glow Ststicks is really hit hard at Disney World. It's like closing your chocolate egg shop at Easter time. Yeah. You've got to get on to her. Yeah, no, I don't know. She was meant to be there for a year. Has she ever closed her chocolate egg shop around you? I'm assuming she's black.

Yeah, good assumption. And her egg shop is her vagina. We've got, yeah, okay. Yeah, all right. Yeah, okay assumption. And her egg shop is her vagina. We've got, yeah, okay. Yeah, all right. Yeah, okay. Nice. Good improv. That's more of a line for foghorn leghorn, I think.

Yeah. Wait, you were going to ask a question? No, no. I thought that was Tommy's bellewick. No, no, no. No, I was just going to say, my girlfriend, I got messages, I'm getting messages the last couple of days from my girlfriend saying, you know, because we're over here being tourists and, you know, you've got to bring people back back stuff and whatever but my girlfriend just wants me to get

stuff that already exists in australia so it's just all these perfumes and stuff that you can get back there but she just wants it for free because that's just an excuse because that's a gift because i'm not there it's like bring me back some chanel number five kyle carl that's it she lives in the brooklyn suburb of melbourne Bring me back a diamond fucking ring, Kyle Carl. That is remarkably what his girlfriend sounds like. That is good. You stupid piece of shit. You never bind me nothing.

Is that the Coney Island in Melbourne? Bring me back some fucking lingerie, you piece of shit, Kyle Carl. I like her better when she's in it like a beetle. The meaning to say from when I met her, your girlfriend has a filthy mouth, Kyle. You should really talk to her about that. What's your girlfriend do? She is a publicist. She's in the pub game.

Yeah. She works at a book company. She does publicity for Glowsticks. That's how we both met our girlfriends. That's how you guys had a foursome. It's a really big industry down there we really love glowing things back to you tommy what's going on with your relationship what is happening here uh it's good i'm seeing her a week from today i know you mentioned that but uh you know i mean i don't know i worry about you do you you know what i mean i

mean three months sure a long time she's in Florida, which is the land of sun and opportunity. Uh-huh, yeah. She's walking around in a micro bikini. Yeah. There has been a DJ after her. Really? Yeah. Yeah, we've talked about this, but I think I cut it out.

Yeah, there's a guy who works with her at Disney World. He's DJing at Disney World? That's a great gig. Well, he's a guy who works with her at Disney World. He's DJing at Disney World? That's a great gig. Well, he's DJing. Yeah, all you motherfuckers! Get on the floor! Put your ears on! Does your girlfriend listen to the show to feel close to you?

Sometimes she does. Do you ever listen to her? Her podcast, yeah. I listen to her podcast. As soon as she comes into a movie, you have to have one. Well, what's going on with glow sticks this week? I mean, everyone's got one these days. I worry about you.

The glow stick hour. Would that be a show that you could put on Earwolf? The glow stick show? Glow stick hour. I hope not, because that would be getting in front of us. A show about glow sticks. Everyone has a podcast on Earwolf but you guys. Yeah, we're going to produce two shows that are going to be in the next Earwolf Challenge

Glowstick Chat and Baldwin Talk Yeah, yeah, let's see how they go You were saying you're worried about me Where'd you meet her? Where'd you meet this young lady? I met her through a friend in Melbourne Was she in the Glowstick game at that point? No, the Glowstick game was a distant dream at that stage Although she had gotten the job in Disney World the day before I met her.

So you went into this relationship knowing she was about to move away. Yep. At a certain point in your relationship, you must have said, I can't let this girl go. We've got to solidify this. We've got to lock it down, right? Yeah, but I mean... I don't want her going out to Florida and shaking her tail all around.

They got to a certain stage in the relationship where your girlfriend had to say,'s more important to me tommy daslow or glow sticks and the rest wrote it so what are you suggesting i should have uh convinced her to not go or no no no i'm saying pop the ring out yeah i don't know exactly what you're are you talking about your cock ring right now um no i'm just i'm fascinated with relationships because because you you went into it knowing she was going away and it's what was that day like where you were like let's be boyfriend girlfriend well i mean that's the exclusive i for a lot like i always used to look at people in long distance relationships and go i will that's i don't know how anyone does that i've been in some have you really how and how long for i was in one uh i was in a crazy

one that uh i i was okay let me think about this i was in it from october till uh till march we were long distance and then we were together from march till june and then we were long distance again from june till october and then i moved to milwaukee to be with her on october 31st and november 1st she told me that she didn't want me to be there anymore and to move back that is that's that's my nightmare um how long they're dramatic dramatic. They're very dramatic when you can't see each other. And she was away, obviously, selling T-shirts that had those electronic displays that moved with the music. Yeah, yeah, video T-shirts. You've seen LL Cool J wear.

Yeah, yeah. So what was all the moving around? Well, we were both in theater, and so we would get jobs in different theaters in different states. And so we would always be rotating. But another part of it was she liked to fuck a lot of other people and you can't fuck a lot of people when you're in the same town i mean you can only fuck a few other people in the same town to fuck a lot of different people you have to move all over the country sure sure okay that's good that you were understanding of it sure yeah so was that when you say that was that did you have an open relationship while she was gone no uh we had uh uh a relationship where uh i had

no idea what was going on okay right okay right right right well yeah i mean well to clarify we did we did break up when she left oh okay so then and then at what point did you get were you guys on the phone and she was like there's nothing going on in florida here and you're like same old people here in australia pretty much that's what it was because at that point she was going to be gone for a year and we'd only been together nine months when she left so we both just kind of thought well this is it's how are we going to keep this together for wait so she got she got the job to move away nine months before she actually did it? Is that what you're telling me?

Yeah. Wow, that's a lot of prep time. Yeah, that is. Yeah, I guess so. Well, I guess I need to give you time to- For selling glow sticks, yeah. Well, I mean, you know, you've got to pay for your flights. Get your affairs in order.

Yeah. Pay for your flights. I know it only takes five minutes to do online. Well, and you may be going to come back with radiation poisoning. See you in nine months. Yeah, yeah. So we Yeah We Yeah That was it

We both thought We won't be able To keep this together And she's And she's coming back Early now Was that a tearful Phone call

Where you Expressed your love To her And she expressed Her love to you And Or was it a Drunken Scott call

With neither of your Pants being on Your bodies That's actually Closer Carl's one is Actually closer Really

Do you guys Like jerk off looking at each other on Skype? Tell me about this. Man, I have got to be the one to edit this episode just so I can keep this bit in. That must happen. It's turning to dumb dumb up late.

I've never done it. How do you get there? By the time Skype was invented, I was married. How do you... Who brings it up? Or do you how do you by the time skype was invented i was married okay right how do you uh how like who who brings it up or do you set a date to do it no so do you say hey let's jerk off with each other on skype at 8 p.m tonight and then the minute you come on pants are off you do you do it it's usually one person gets on and they're drunk and then they're sort of person is always you it's actually i'm saying too much um it's usually her at night being drunk and then it's tommy just it's fucking without him fucking disney world i only sold three fucking glow sticks and i got drunk off of it take your

fucking pants off you will never work in our country. And then Tommy's at work at lunchtime having to take an extra long lunch break. Oh, yeah, there's the time difference. That's the weird thing about it. He's bringing his laptop into the toilet cubicle at the office job and having to jerk off while someone's taking a shit beside him.

So she initiates all the time. No, it's half and half. Half and half. I love it. This will be a test for the senses. Wow, that's great. And then... The big thing about it is that you do feel very weird and self-conscious as you're doing it.

Do you ever tape it unbeknownst to her? Do you ever tape it for the old bank later? This bit, I'm definitely editing it yes um no i don't even know how can you do that can you record on school yeah you can yeah cool gotta be careful these days because if you do that kind of stuff someone might tape it and then that's a podcast that's a video podcast yeah how about you guys keep talking and i'll go back to the to the hotel room and just check your laptop. Is that something? No, I never got to do that stuff. I did with the aforementioned girl that I had the weird long-distance relationship with.

That's the only girl that I've ever done both phone sex and at the time it was a phone. You had to do this kind of thing over the phone. phone you had to do this kind of thing over the phone yeah huh and uh also uh we took uh uh naked pictures of each other but you know we didn't have uh phones that would do it back in 1993 so no tmz back then we had to get them developed at a at a at a uh a rite aid oh wow and oh yeah that must have been a thrill for the photo developer. The photo developer didn't say anything about it. In fact, my girlfriend made our mutual friend go in and pick up the photos because she was too embarrassed to do it. And so he went in, picked up the photos, and...

That's a terrible plan. That's just exposing your naked photos to another person. No, that's what I thought, but he was a very good friend of ours, and she made him solemnly swear that he would not open them before. Well, that didn't happen. I'm sure it didn't. There's probably a photo developer out there who's seen your back in gold member and gone, wait a minute, I've seen that back's dick.

I've seen that back's member. I do have a dick on my back. Yeah, sure. I was born with one. I read that on your Wikipedia, but you can never trust stuff on there 100%. Well, I used to see porn shops, and they would have specialty. A part of the porn shop would be you can come and develop your little pictures. Really?

Yeah. Speaking of that, a friend of mine works at- Speaking of what? Speaking of developing pictures and nudity, a friend of mine works at an Apple store in Melbourne at a university, and this girl came in. You guys have an Apple store there? That's so cute.

Yeah, we've only got the one. This girl came in with her iPhone and goes, oh, it's broken, I need to get a new one, but can I just back all my stuff up? And my friend goes, yeah, I can do that for you. Plugs it into one of the main computers, and a pirate's bounty of naked photos of her, photos that she's taken of herself sucking off this

dude, like just really, really intense stuff. Was she hot or was she... He said she was pretty hot, yeah. Wow, I love it. And she, so she was kind of facing away as it took, because you know, iPhoto pops up instantly when you plug it in, so it's all just sort of come up, and she's facing away and he's like frantically trying to... Yeah, frantically trying to close the window, which the more frantically you try to close something on a computer, the less likely it is to just go, did you want me

to close or should I just stay up? Keyboards have a frantic setting on those. It takes your pulse as you're hitting the keys. So she turns around and sees it and is mortified and he goes, oh, no, it's okay. This sort of stuff happens all the time. Happens all the time. Never happened before. But then a week later, same thing happened.

Different girl comes in. Again, nude photos come up. And he's telling me this. I'm like, man, fuck comedy. Is Apple hiring? Get me in. Australian girls are fucking sluts. Yeah, well.

That's the takeaway I have. Dan, we'll scuttle your hands in the water. I once was at a concert and a girl wanted to take a picture of who was on stage. So she turned on her phone and went into the camera, and then up pops a big picture. She's super fat. A big picture of her just flashing her big, fat, gross boobs at the camera. And she's like, ooh! And like, you know, frantically again, tries to get it off.

Man. So you didn't ever worry about the the nude photo exchanging about that stuff getting into the wrong hands no you know uh she every time i see her she wants them back i i see her like every every eight years or something like that and she's always like where are those photos i'm like oh they're somewhere i don't know where they are but they're somewhere that's like the last the last breakup i had a really bad breakup and the only thing i had left on on this girl like she dumped me badly and and moved away and did all this stuff and wouldn't wouldn't uh cooperate with

me at all wouldn't talk to me wouldn't anything except she would email me or message me to say you know those nude photos you have of me destroy them now and i'd be like of course i'm not gonna destroy them what are you talking about leverage What leverage does she have? I mean, come on. Yeah, exactly. Apart from the fact that she can't make me do it, this is the one thing I have on her. That's why you never, don't take any nude photos of yourself ever on any phone. Someone will hack into it.

Just never even do it. Don't even ever be nude. Yeah. That's what I would say. Yeah, yeah. Good advice. There's security cameras everywhere. Unless you guys want to get naked right now,

there's some cameras right there. Yeah, wow. I wouldn't mind turning it into that kind of party. Sounds like a great way to end this show. Yeah. Hey, it's really hot out here. Like, this is remarkable LA weather. Surely it's not like this all the time. You know what?

It's the middle of October, and I believe it's unseasonably hot for October. I hope it is. This is ridiculous. Yeah, it's really bad. People think Australia's hot. This is extremely hot. This is stupid. Yeah's really bad. People think Australia's hot. This is extremely hot. This is stupid. Terrible, the last couple of days. We were at a chicken restaurant,

a fast food chicken place over the road just before. Chick-fil-A? Yeah. Really, you guys went there. They just opened that, by the way. Everyone's abuzz. It opened about a week or so ago. Opening day was swarmed with people. How hot is it today? How many degrees is it today? Alright, I'll look it up for you guys.

Here we go. What would it be in American? It'd be like 100, wouldn't it? Do you guys do Celsius? We do Celsius, yeah. Okay. It'd be like 40 in our degrees today. Not quite.

It'd be high 30s. High 30s. I can do... It's 64 degrees Celsius. Right. We don't know what that means. Oh, okay. It's 97 degrees. 64 degrees Celsius. Right. We don't know what that means. Oh, okay. It's 97 degrees.

64 degrees Celsius? That's not 64. No way. No, sorry. You're right. That's the low on Fahrenheit. Never mind. It's 97 degrees.

Okay, right, right. It'd be high three. One shot at my favorite band. We don't know the exact weather. It is hot. Believe me that. Well, that's a great way to end this show. It's hot, it's miserable. I don't think we can top that. That chicken shop over there, obviously it is a new thing because they've got their

little mascot out the front. They've got a cow in a really big woolen rugged outfit or whatever promoting the thing. But they've got it out on a day like today and they've got him dancing as well. Isn't this a super thick thing? I'm melting in the shade. He's dancing on the footpath. Then he comes in and he starts dancing. Like, he goes, oh, it's too hot out there. So he starts dancing in where we're sitting.

So not only is he melting and having a horrible time, he's only dancing to the people who have already bought chicken burgers. So it's absolutely completely. It's not even working. Yeah, so next to him, a guy collapsed. It's like giving a lap dance to a guy who already came yeah yeah exactly and there's a guy next to him you want one of these kyle carl you want me to rub my fucking ass on your dick that's my girlfriend again you piece of shit buy me a car there's a guy in shorts that collapsed wasn't there yeah

the guy in shorts had the audacity to collapse in from the heat in front of the guy on the big cow so yeah the cow suit's still dancing but the guy in the shorts has collapsed i feel for those guys because uh tying it all in i used to work at disneyland in those costumes uh i was in goofy i was in brer bear i was in captain hook i was in bear i was in captain hook i was in pull no not pluto uh robin hood no uh little john little john from from robin hood the bear meant the rapper yeah um how to love uh yeah so i feel for all those guys it's a terrible job yeah but you know times are tough so fuck them yeah hey guys that brings us on that great note to the end of the Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you so much, Scott Alkerman, for joining us here.

Thanks, guys. It was my pleasure. I, again, am a big fan of you guys. Thank you, and we've pitched you some good concepts, so hopefully we can get something off the ground. Hopefully you can rip them off by, like, one degree and make them your own. You won't have to pay us anything. 98 degrees. Great.

So listen to Comedy Bang Bang. it's my favorite uh podcast check it out it's very funny and thank you guys for listening we will see you next time see you