The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 6 - Tom Ballard

Episode Date: November 30, 2010

Facebook feedback, Sleaze balls and 21st speeches. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey, mates. Welcome to another edition of the Little Dumb Dumb Club. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo. Sitting opposite me, the other host of the show, Mr. Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. Hey, mate. A little bit drunk because he's been at a buck stew this afternoon. Rocked in 20 minutes late. Answered the door and was standing there eating a, was it a bacon deluxe or a Whopper? Chomping on a double cheeseburger.

Chomping on a double cheeseburger with a little Coke in his hand, wearing his little hat, like a little... Like a Noam Chomsky. Yeah, we should mention that we are recording this at four in the afternoon, so it's not like it's a, you know, justified bender. Anyway. Woo! Oh, this is going to be great.

Hey, we've got a very special guest here, an old mate of the program. He is an award-winning stand-up comedian. I made the Noam Chomsky joke before. Oh, that was him. People are confused. People are going, who's this mysterious voice? You may know him as half of the Breakfast team on Triple J. It's Tom Ballard.

Hi. Yay! Hi. Welcome half of the breakfast team on Triple J. It's Tom Ballard. Hi. Yay. Hi. Welcome aboard. Thanks for coming on. Hi, little dum-dums. Hey, mate. Is that what you call your listening voice?

Yeah, you're an honorary little dum-dum for the next hour. What's Helen Razor really like? What are our fans called? The dumboes. The dumlikers. The dumlikers. The dummers. The lovers of dickheads.

Dumb dumbers. We got an interesting bit of feedback during the week. I'm going to talk about this. On your Facebook page, someone who we don't know who's been listening to the show added Carl on Facebook. Some arsehole that's listening to it right now, I don't know. Yeah. Well, this is the thing that we'll get to.

Like, he's added you. Ripping straight off my Facebook wall. Yep. Carl Chandler. This is all personal. This isn't like your comedy. Like, he's added you. Ripping straight off my Facebook wall. Yep. Carl Chandler. This is all personal. This isn't like your comedy. No, no, no. This is personal.

This is straight up Carl Chandler. This is, yeah, some dude that's obviously listened to the show. I checked his page. He's got no mutual friends of mine. So he's not a comic. He's not anything. He's a... He's not anything.

No, he's nothing to me. He's a minus to me now. Right. Okay, here we go. Right. This guy, it's nothing to me. It's a minus to me now. Okay, here we go. Right. This guy, let's call him... No, I won't. Okay, so Will Anderson's got another podcast. So he's...

And it's called Tofop, I guess. That's the abbreviation. Yeah. Okay, right. So his message on my Facebook wall is, Tofop with Will Anderson is a real kick in the pants to Little Dumb Dumb Club. My response is, quite genuinely, I don't know what that means. His response to that is,

it means your podcast isn't really hitting the level of Will Anderson's just saying. And then read out your response to that. My response is, thanks, mate. Which I take particular umbrage with that i it's a bit of a bugbear of mine people using people saying just saying like saying something really fucked and then going just saying i find that annoying in and of itself but saying your podcast shit just saying it's like no you're not just saying he's hunted you out on facebook and added you as a friend that's not just saying that's a you out on Facebook and added you as a friend. That's not just saying.

That's a lot of effort. I like how that's doubled as a place to meet you and hi for the first time as well. Yeah. Knock, knock, knock. You're a dumb cunt. You're not as good as someone who's had about six shows on network TV. Aren't I? Aren't I?

Yeah. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That guy who's been doing it for three times as long as you, he's way better than you. The guy that people go in the thousands, in the droves to see festivals, goes, I'm not as good. I'm the guy that's in Cinefam on a Saturday afternoon.

Drunk. Drunk. Jumping on a cheeseburger. Jumping on a cheeseburger. Talking to, even worse, talking to Tommy Daslow. I just love it if you're listening to the podcast going, wow, this is a shit podcast. I'm going to add one of the guys from it,

wait for him to confirm, and then leave a negative comment. I'm just saying, you guys. But you were saying he's probably listening to this right now. I mean, I feel no remorse about getting stuck in it because you know what? If you're listening to this now, that guy, you're a dumb cunt.

You really are. If you're having a this now, that guy, you're a dumb cunt. Like, you really are. If you're having a crack about how you don't like the podcast and then you're tuning back in to hear yourself get abused, like, go fuck yourself. Yeah, we might be dumb-dumbs, but you're a dumb-dumb cunt-cunt. I like him thinking, like, someone's got to drop you soon, like it's another breakfast radio show and, like, people aren't going to be happy with you.

Yeah, yeah. Next week it'll be Tommy and still Saunders. You know what the weird thing is? Well, is that worse for you? Because he at least added me as a friend. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. He hasn't even... I was at least worth some feedback.

Yeah, but does that mean he likes me more or he likes me less? He kind of wants to spare me or he just doesn't even want to fucking go anywhere near me. It's brilliant too because in my job we get a lot of that kind of shit. But like we're hosting a show on a radio station that people regularly listen to and people like it for like they've liked the other people. Yeah. For you there's just like no obligation at all.

No. You have to search out this podcast. Yeah, exactly. You have to download it. There's no – You can accidentally listen to you or you can have a vested interest in Triple J and have a negative reaction. This guy's like, I'm going to do this, I'm going to do this, I want this, this is coming. Okay, now listen to it and fuck you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was going to be my query to you. I mean, you guys are on a nationally syndicated radio program and in that with that kind of audience. With our own podcast, Tommy. Yeah, okay, yeah, yeah. Don't mention that. Hey, as of yeah, yeah. Don't mention that. Hey, as of today, we're in the top 150. There must be, you know, it's not...

Dumb cunts? There must be dumb cunts that text it. Does the text line, do they keep that from you? How dumb are the cunts? How cunty are the dumb dumbs? Yeah, yeah, yeah, they're dummy dumb cunts. No, you get that a lot. Yeah, and as I say, because people love Triple J,

but they might not necessarily like you, so when those two come together, that can annoy some people. So whenever we go onto our Facebook, there's a Tom and Alex Facebook page, and we'll update it. So I'll search for Tom and Alex in the thing, and I think now the official one's got to the top, but beneath them there's like six or seven entries of Tom and Alex in the thing. And I think now the official ones got to the top, but beneath them there's like six or seven entries of Tom and Alex are the worst.

My favourite is Tom and Alex are poo. It's just a picture of a dog doing his shit. Like there's not even... Not even human shit. There's another one where they've clearly taken a promo shot of me and Alex and done like the no smoking sign. Oh, right. For the two of you, wow.

Or the Ghostbusters. You could take that in positive way. But is this a place where all those groups just have like four members? Well, I think the biggest is actually about 110. Okay. Have you got a personal one? Because I've seen that with other people. Someone's like started up a 50 person, I don't like this guy, whatever.

Have you got any personal? I'm sure there is. I haven't looked. When I search for my comedy page, nothing comes up. You had a beautiful way of doing it though. I've seen in the past where someone's tweeted negative stuff about you and then you do what? Is it tweet positive stuff to negative people or something like that? Tweet love to haters.

Yeah, yeah, right. So then someone says- Very Tony Robbins. Yeah, you probably couldn't get that in the 140 characters, could you? Yeah, but I mean, someone will rag you and then you'll go check out this guy and then everyone is nice to them, which is, you know, it's a beautiful way of dealing with someone negative and having them... Not good for this podcast, though, is it? I can tell that you've been very influenced by that, Carl, because I've noticed that you've taken that on and you've done your own spin

on it, which is tweet negative to positive. You just tweet negative to everyone. And by tweet, I mean just in general. You're not even on Twitter, you're just in the street. Tweet negative. Tweet negative to everyone. I think a point of the hashtag is. Yeah, that is... To be fair, sometimes

I'll just search. I won't look at my app replies, I'll search for my name. So I feel like if someone puts something negative in there, then that's me actively searching that out. I do like it when I see that, when I see someone reacting to someone's tweet and it hasn't got the app, and it shows that someone's been searching about themselves.

Yeah, but people will leave negative stuff on the Tom and Alex, the official one, which to me is properly cunty, because that's only made up of people who like us. It's our official thing. It's the fan page. What are you doing on there? Oh, you've got to join the fan page too. They'll join the fan page and they'll say, this is a horrible show.

Yeah, that's a funny thing to be like, click like, and then literally seconds later be going, you're a shithead. I don't think you understand what that button is for. You can just, yeah, I was talking to someone about that the other day. That's a lot of effort to get on and negatively review stuff on the internet. It's easy to just ignore. Maybe it doesn't do with the texting when you're doing breakfast radio. It's like, I just cannot believe this is how people start their day.

Yeah. Just wait. So much anger. Just pull off the blankets and then, fuck this shit. Burn the toast. Someone's got to fucking pay for this. Yeah. Just wait. So much anger. Just drop the blankets and then fuck this shit. Burn the toast. Someone's got to fucking pay for this. Yeah.

Yeah. I used to do a show in here on Sin many years ago with a friend and we had this like one guy that would text in every week when we were on. He was like our number one fan

and then one day we asked for a call in or something and he called in and my friend Seb who I was doing the show with was like, oh man,

we'll send you out some CDs. And I'm off the mic going, what are you doing? We don't have any CDs to send. What are you doing? He's like written his address down. And then every week from then we'd get texts through from him going, where are my CDs, guys? I'm waiting for my CDs.

And they were always all in lowercase. And his name was Bluey, which I found really funny. Like, oh, it's Bluey, still waiting for me CDs. And then that went on for three weeks. Fourth week, he started bombarding us with texts all in capitals. You've lost a listener, guys. I'm very disappointed with how I've been treated by you. You missed out on your third-odd blind fucking CD.

Yeah, yeah. The Best of Tattoo. That was the only CD that ever got left in our pigeonhole here. Oh, really? The Best of Tattoo. It was like they're two singles, and then the rest of the CD was remixes of pigeonhole here. Oh, really? The best of Tartu. It was like their two singles, and then the rest of the CD was remixes of those two singles. Just photos of them making out.

Yeah. Yeah. Hey, so speaking of dumb cunts, you, Carl Chandler, I wanted to bring something up to you, because you did something the other night that I don't think you're fully aware of the manner in which you did it. So a bit of backstory. Carl runs comedy gigs around Melbourne and had the debut night of a new night on Wednesday night.

So I went along with my girlfriend to support the night. Now, a bit of backstory to that. Two months ago, Carl said to me, can you please get a girlfriend so I have something to hang shit on you about? That is a verbatim quote. So you were getting – I said to you that I was coming down and bringing my girlfriend along, and you got very excited about, for some weird reason, about getting to meet her. So we turn up –

Have you ever got excited about something good? Hang on, how is meeting my girlfriend not good? No, I just – Ah! But he's clearly excited there because he's ready to bust out. No, I'm not. Is he going to hang shit on

someone's girlfriend? That's ridiculous. So, anyway, so we go in and I haven't told her any of this, right? So we rock up and Carl sees us

come in the door and his little face lights up and I go, Carl, this is Alice. Alice, this is Carl. And you straight off the bat have shaken a hand

and gone, oh, yes. Which with no context behind it is a fucking weird thing to say to someone straight off the bat. Is that it? That's it. Yeah, that's it. You're a creep. You're a fucking weird creep.

She was naked. That's true. Yeah, that's fair. That is fair. And I was, yeah, no, I enjoyed meeting her. Is that all I said? Hmm? Is that all?

You're just really enthusiastic. You had this weird, you had this, I enjoyed meeting her. Is that all I said? Hmm? Is that all? You're just really enthusiastic. You had this weird, you had this creepy glow in your eyes. You had your eyes really wide. I think I had a bit of adrenaline happening, and I was probably a bit drunk at that stage. Every time I see you now, you're drunk. No, that's untrue. But, yeah, no, look, that was the first night of a gig,

so I was pretty excited and adrenalized, so there was probably a bit of that happening. And then, you know, I was excited to meet you. I just found it funny. I just found it funny that I realized that she not, I knew what was going on. Look, I stand by that, yes. It sounds like you have a crush as Carla going, is tonight the night we fuck together? Yeah.

Is this the lucky lady? Admittedly, it is better than if you just went, oh, no. Exactly. I think I'm being unfairly, oh, no. Yeah, exactly. I think I'm being unfairly treated for this reaction. That's positive. Is that what you reckon? Classic Chandler. Even when drunk, he's still functioning at full capacity.

I've had a few. How was it? You were at a Bucks do? I was. I was at a Bucks do. And there was a... I don't think I've been to a proper, proper Bucks do before, but this is probably approaching it. I was at a Bucks do where the Bucks had – the best man had hired a dwarf and then dressed him in the same way as the Buck. So he was like the mini-me version of him.

Awesome. Yep. So, yeah. But there wasn't many people that I knew there. Was that in 1998? Yeah, I know. Yeah. It's very, like, hey, I thought of something fucking 20 years ago.

So, Austin Powers, it's coming back. Part of my grand plan. Yeah, no, it was killing. So, he was a nice dude. I talked to him for nearly the whole time. The dwarf? Yeah. Right.

He was a good dude, and he's got his own business. What was he a dwarf, though? What was he a midget? He was a dwarf. Okay. I've got his for nearly the whole time. The dwarf? Yeah. Right. He was a good dude and he's got his own business. What was he a dwarf though? What was he a midget? He was a dwarf. Okay. I've got his business card. Alright. Yeah. Let's get him on the show. Dwarf Inc. It was something like that. It was, where is it? Dwarftasm or dwarf. Dwarfsome. That's what it's called?

That's good. Dwarfsome. I like that. That's very good. It's a little bit clunky but it's okay. Dwarfsome. Yeah. Yeah. It's nearly perfect. If it was dwarfs and... We probably couldn't reach the keyboard. Yeah. What? What?

Fuck off. He had a full-size wallet, which I stood out from. He was playing with big people's money. I just stood out. Like, everything was small, and the only thing that jarred was when he pulled out his wallet and it was as big as his head. That was physically just something that took my fancy, my visual fancy. It's like he's crammed a satchel into his pocket, proportionally.

Yeah. Do you think they all play with like those mini, you know, like when they're playing cards, they get those like novelty cards, those like all those mini ones they play with. Yeah, well, you know, like when you get the twisty packet and you put it in the oven? You know he'd have normal sized money, you know that, well, you know, like when you get the twisty packet and you put it in the oven? You know he'd have normal-sized money. You know that, don't you? They don't have their own currency. Not gold coins.

That you get at the end of the rainbow. No, but it just struck me. That's all. Like, it was all fine until he brought that out and it was just a strong visual. You know, he had to use both hands to get his wallet out. That's all. But he was a very nice man. He was very good.

And he endured my drunk questions about his situation pretty well. So I was impressed. What were you asking him? Oh, I was trying to be pretty cool about it. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking look at your wallet. No.

Yeah. I've got a story that involves a short stature person, but it kind of relates to that other thing we're going to talk about. Oh, yeah. Fucking look at your wallet! No. Yeah. I've got a story that involves a short-stature person, but it kind of relates to that other thing we're going to talk about. Oh, okay. Well, sure, let's lead into that. You were saying earlier that you were in Adelaide. I was in Adelaide. Last week, was it?

I remember comedy. Yeah, it was two weeks ago. Yep. Feast Festival, which is like a gay arts festival. What does that mean? Why is it called Feast then? Does that stand for something? No.

You just need a name for a thing. Just tuck into all the gay stuff going on. Oh, you hate gay. Is that it? All right. Look, if that's been left in, it's a classic podcast thing of if that's been left in, the rest of it didn't go well. That's unfair. You knew what you were getting into.

I knew what was happening. Anyway, this thing, and on the Saturday night I was there, they had a thing called Sleazeball, which is an annual event. They have it in a couple of different capital cities. It's just like a basically gay bash, you know. Oh, unfortunate. Unfortunate way of describing something. Oh, unfortunate. Unfortunate way of describing something. A gay do. Do another man.

Oh! That was dwarfs in that joke. That was dwarfsome. That was dwarfsome. The first thing, gay sort of night, and the theme was sci-fi, so people dressed up like everyone crazy. So take a normal dress-up night and add gay on top of it. So you've got men in dresses and all that kind of stuff.

There's freaks all over the place. Your classic gay freaks kind of drenched in it. But to first of all incorporate the short statue thing, there was a short woman there. So I think that's what this girl had. So this little girl had a – she was dancing like crazy. She was having a great old time, having really fun, crazy gay hits. Whoa!

In the background. Everyone dressed as freaks. But then just her dancing, there was like three guys standing around her just filming her on their phones. And it's just weird in that context when everyone looks so – like even in that community where everyone's so open-minded and accepting to go, look at this fucking thing. Look at our little short arms over here.

Yeah. So that was one part of the night. But the rest of it was just, it was really surreal. What was there was a sex dungeon, right? Okay. Okay. Now I say dungeon, it was just like a room off the side with a little ramp down to it. That's as far as it went down.

Wheelchair access, that's good. It was good. There were a couple of people in wheelchairs there, actually. Anyway, so the sex dungeon was basically just an area of the night just filled with S&M stuff. Kind of tame S&M stuff, because they used to do live acts of these things, live sex acts. Yep. But they can't do that anymore because of the change legislation. What a bummer, huh?

I know. It's a real bummer. The man. So there's a bit of whipping there. There's like a stretched out, like a bench basically, a table that people lay in and got tied to. And at one point there was a guy in a Zen tie, like one of those full body morph suits, tied to one of those tables and just six people around him tickling him.

And that's it. That is a bizarre mishmash. So, hang on, this is just at a party that people can just buy tickets to? It's like a warehouse, like a massive warehouse. And so it's like proper big DJs,

there's a bar there, people dancing around, and then you walk into a little caged-off area. Not even caged-off, it was pretty open and just an area there. Suddenly it's medieval land.

It's on for young and old. So there's like a bit of leather whipping there, there's some stirrups. Oh, there. There's some stirrups. Oh, okay. There's some stirrups there. And then there's this. And I took a photo of this.

You're allowed to take photos, which is insane to me. But I think I'll just show it to you, Carl. You're aware we're not on TV at the moment, are you? Yeah, yeah. But I think Carl's reaction and subsequent description of this will be entertaining listening. Okay, so here it goes. This is just one of the things that was at the sex dungeon, just there. So you try and to find something. Kyle just looks bewildered.

Trying to figure out everything that's going on. So that's a guy on a... It's a guy in a gimp mask with a bit of chain around him. And he's on a... It looks like some sort of weightlifting apparatus. Is that right? It's kind of like a crucifix, but you sort of sit on it. Like a little seat for you there.

And then there's someone in front of them taking... You were about to say woman, weren't you? No, no, no, I don't know. Someone taking a picture of his genitals? Well, it is not a clear photo. It's not really clear. He's sitting on the thing there, and then there's a weight attached to his penis there.

Oh, right. Like quite a heavy weight. I believe he's at 10 kilograms was the weight. And then an electrode attached to the penis. Really? Oh, so that's the electrodes that this person... Yeah, so she's turning up the electrode there. And so that's the weight on the penis.

That's 10 kilograms, plus a couple of bolts going through. His hand's tied behind the back. He's like a 50-year- old totally naked man in a gim mask and um he's apparently apparently he'd take up to 20 20 kilograms uh but that's just how he it's just something he's really into three minutes ago you were finding it insane that people were taking photos of a short-statured person and now you're just there look at him he's got a big bolt on his cock That's an exhibit Can I have a look Give us a Check out ElectroDick The whole thing was set up

For people to view Oh my goodness So that was what Was going on there And then I was talking To the dominatrix later on And she said I said like

Wasn't he like At all disturbed She said no it was fine Apparently the music Was freaking him out Apparently that was The weirdest fit for him What music was it

Fucking Kylie? I don't know. Whatever was in the background of this night. Oh, I've just accidentally looked forward to another photo and there's a guy in a cage.

Yeah. He was just a drunk normal person. He just looks like he's sitting down in a cage. He just looks like a lazy go-go dancer who's just fucking given up.

So that was amazing but then I was there at the end of the night. I was in the sex dungeon at the end of the night just like... That just looks like the elevator's fucked.

It was pretty amazing how quickly you got bored in the sex dungeon. It was pretty amazing. You're like, oh, God, the sex dungeon is dead. Anyway, I was in the sex dungeon at the end of the night, and all the lights come on. They're like, okay, everybody, end of the party. And so me and my friend started walking out, and then the dominatrix comes up to us and goes,

okay, boys, make yourself useful. And so she got us to fucking carry out the S&M equipment in the truck and load it outside because they had to drive it all to the after party. So I'm there just carrying some stirrups out of this massive warehouse, loading them into the truck. And then she said, okay, now you boys get into the truck. You get in there in the dark with all the equipment and we'll drive you to the after party and then she said okay now you boys get into the truck you get in there in the dark

with all the equipment and we'll drive you to the after party and then you can unload it there two things about that is that another form of S&M

having to carry all the shit that's it because you're loading it into the dog and the dog is like careful boys

don't hurt yourself oh yeah that'd be horrible wouldn't it well you'd get off on it yeah exactly two things about that

first of all I love that at a sleaze ball where there's a guy with fucking bolts running through his cock, there's a point where the lights come on and like, okay, everyone, home time. Last drinks. Also, yeah, also. Last cock bolts. Also, there's an after party.

Isn't the after party like from formals and stuff growing up? The after party is always meant to be like more crazy than whatever you've been at. Where do you go from a party? What was the after party? Did you go? Because it's in Adelaide, so I remember it's all still pretty low key, but the after party was in a pub which was next to the local gym. And so she's like, yeah, yeah, we're going to take all the equipment over to the after party and then we're gonna set it up and keep going until until 10 p.m tomorrow night and in my head i'm going that's not gonna happen uh because my flight's at 11 and uh so so we load all the stuff into the truck and they drive it to the the after party we get it we see everyone go

into the pub i'm like right i guess we're taking this stuff into the pub and so i start following everyone else and we just start loading the gear into the gym next door. And I realise no one's setting anything up. And I realise that they're just putting, it must be where the S&M stuff lives in the local gym. Okay. So they're not cracking it out at all.

They just had digital literally moving it. How have you gotten roped into setting all this stuff up? I'm a nice guy. You were just literally the person standing around. I was standing there and it was literally like the end of a school fete. And just like the form leaders get roped in. And there's nothing that makes you look so desperate than carrying stirrups into a venue. Anyone?

Anybody? Anyone? Hello. So you obviously went there a couple of times, the dungeon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like, I'm getting bored of this, I'll go into the dungeon. Just check out what's happening down the dungeon. So did you participate?

I didn't participate in anything. There was nothing there that appealed to me, even in a vague curiosity. Everyone was super old. The thing is, I will say, they should have planned the events, because I walked in there and there was like three people getting whipped and someone getting tickled on the thing. I walked in there and the guy with the weight on his cock was there. I'm like, fuck, man, this is a dungeon.

Imagine what's going to happen at 3 a.m. But it all died down. So at the end of the night, there was just like one woman in a stirrup, but you could tell she wasn't really into it and not in a sexy way. And he's just like, they really should have planned this. Like at the end, he felt like they should have been fucking zebra in there. I love it that you're thinking that there needs to be a roster for the sex dungeon. Definitely.

Start strong but end strong. Oh, my God, I love it that you're thinking that there needs to be a roster for the sex dungeon. Definitely. That is. Start strong but end strong. You know what I mean? It's a headliner. You want a horse headlining your sex dungeon. So, good party, though? Yeah, it was fun. Was it your first sleazeball?

It was my first sleazeball. I got a pill off a 45-year-old guy who worked at the ABC who had travelled to Adelaide to go to the Sleaze Bowl and to see his mum. Which I think that's a pretty impressive plane ride. But yeah, that was a good pill. That lasted for ages, so that was pretty good. I think you seem like you might still be on it. Yeah, man.

Yeah. Did you pick up, mate? Did you bloody pick up? Oh, yeah. Did you pick up? No, I didn't. That was the thing with the pill. It sort of killed all my sex drives.

It's pretty amazing. How has it been, now that you're a bona fide celebrity, does it help you with the boys? Look, it does. Really? It should. I thought, if I may relate, I think about this time last year, we were at a gig together and we were having a chat

and we both performed. And then some dude kind of like butted into our conversation and just sort of handed you a piece of paper and went, here's my number. And then walked off and you just went, that's embarrassing. And then we kept chatting. When was this? Was that at 303? So many people do that. Oh, yawn.

Was this at St Kilda? No, this is at Bushel's thing at 303, the Ross Noble gig. That was last summer, wasn't it? Yeah, it would have been last summer. Yeah. He wasn't very good looking though, was he? I don't know. Oh, I hate that so much.

What? I told the straight guys, like, I don't know. I have no concept of telling what an attractive man is. But here's my thing, right? You know, straight men obviously can tell if they think a girl's hot. You know, women can tell if they think a girl's hot. Women can tell if they think a guy's hot. But women generally can also go, yeah, that girl is hot.

But I have none of that. I have no idea what makes a hot man. You can tell what makes you look good. When you're dressing to go out, you look at your reflection and you say, right, I have to adjust that. This makes me look good. No, I'm not going to wear that shirt because I'm a guy. I feel like all I'm doing is just, I'm just trying to, I can't even speak.

You're fucking ugly though, Desley. There are guys that I go, yeah, he would be a good-looking guy, but it's not like you don't. He would be a good-looking guy. What does that mean? If I was gay, he would be good-looking. I don't know what that means. He would be a good-looking guy to people that are into that.

No, no, I have this thing where there'll be men who are on TV or whatever who all go, that guy, I reckon he'd be ugly, I reckon he'd be hot. And then my female friends will go, he's so hot. And then vice versa. But that's just personal taste. There's no defining, there's no real list of who's hot and who's not. You still have your own personal judgment. Tell that to People Magazine, alright?

You still have your judgment about who's attractive and what's not. I'm just saying that you can tell... Like, you can compare guys. You can say... If you were presented with two guys, you could say which one is more attractive. I guarantee you. Yeah, yeah, but I don't know.

Okay, yeah. It just gets on my gut. It's just this... I don't know. Sometimes I just have no idea. Sorry, I'll keep my hands off your goat. I'll save that for the sex dungeon. Sex dungeon.

Jesus. Sorry, that just annoys me. Yeah, no, that guy. Now that I think about it, that guy. Sorry that we're not all gay. I apologise. No, you're coming clean. That guy was ugly.

But it's not gay to know that a man is, to be able to tell who an attractive man is. Well, I just think that there are some people where you go, oh, they're standouts. And there's a big grey area. That's all. I think there's, like, there was a guy today at the pub where you go, oh, they're standouts. And there's a big grey area. That's all. I think there's, like, there was a guy today at the pub where I went, where he sat down and went, the way he holds himself, the way he looks, I reckon people would be into him. Cocksucker. Yeah.

And then I totally bumped him. Oh, Carl. And that's why I was late. Hey. Ta-da. Chompy McCocksucker. One very happy meal. Can this be your text in poll on Monday morning on Triple J?

Who would you suck off? Who would you suck off? Text us now. Who would you get on your knees for on 7-5-7-5? Have you done that between you and Alex? What? I got on my knees. No, no, no.

Have you done the poll? That who's hotter? Yeah. I got on my knees. No, no, no. Have you done the poll? That who's hotter? Yeah. I don't think we have. People have let us know who they think. Oh, yeah. And their own thing. Yeah.

Without asking. I'll be like, I'll be with Alex. Was it the guy that was on my Facebook wall? Alex Dyson's attractiveness is a real kick in the pants to Tom Ballard's face. Just saying. Just saying. Just saying. Just saying is all. Your face is fucked.

No, there are some people who I'm just such good friends with that it's impossible for me, like it is genuinely impossible for me to tell about Alex Dyson's, like to me, to view Alex in any way sexually. Well, you're not asking me to. No, I'm just saying, this is me kind of coming to your defence a little bit with the whole can't find gays or gays. Yeah, okay. If it's even me as a gay dude, can't, I just just saying, this is me kind of coming to your defense a little bit with the whole can't find gays. If it's even me as a gay dude, can't, I just, that's impossible. But my thing with it, that's got nothing to do with me feeling like if I say that I think a guy's hot and people are going to go, oh, he's fucking gay.

Like, it's got nothing to do with that. I just genuinely don't know. I reckon Jon Hamm's a piece of all right, but that's only because he's packaged in that way where it's like, he's obviously. Why are you looking at his package? What's the? You. He's packaged in a way where it's like, he's obviously... Why are you looking at his package? Tell me, what's the... You. He's packaged in a way where it's like, he's a handsome dude. Do you know what I mean?

Like, everything about him, he's presented as being that guy. So I just go, well, he must be a bit of all right. Would you... Do you think if you had sex with Jon Hamm, you'd be on the top or the bottom? Look at me. Look at him. Yeah. I would be disappointed if...

I've been looking at him as much as you have, so... Pardon me? What? So you tell me, give us some classic tops and bottoms. This has turned into Talking Puffy. This is all Talking Puffy. Another great podcast, listeners, if you want to subscribe to. It's a real kick in the pants. Can you please not plug other podcasts on our podcast? Sorry, I really like doing that.

Some classic tops and bottoms. What do you want to know here? Okay. So John Hammond would be a top. Yeah, yeah, okay. All right. All right. Yeah, Carl's definitely a top.

Yeah, yeah. But I think I've had this discussion with you before, that whole top and bottom thing. Yeah. Like, so everyone, game in a- You can get Lawrence of Median for this. I'm not an expert. I don't know. I don't know.

But I mean, it's like game in a generally, they have a preference. A man will generally have a preference. What if, like, what if two tops... Two tops get together. Is that, what are you, rock, paper, scissors? What do you do? Well, you know, I don't know. It's never happened to me.

There are some guys who will go both ways. Okay. Any which way you can, as the Scissor Sisters might say. I believe, you know, not all guys, some guys don't even get in on that. You managed to make that statement even gayer. I feel like it wasn't gay enough by just cramming a bit of the Scissor Sisters in there. Cramming some Scissor Sisters in the ass of that statement. Yeah.

That's homophobic. That's homophobic I went to a gay club with a friend earlier in the year And got hit on by Belvedere TV's Belvedere Do you know him? I don't know Are you related to Belvedere? When you have your end of year Christmas party

Did you see him? He's on the mailing list. Hey, do you want to talk a bit about your 21st? Yeah. Yeah? It just went really well. I don't know how much gold you're going to get out of this. Yeah.

It was crazy fun. Golden in the hills. Well, it did, you know, so you... Sorry. The first dum-dum club I listened to, when you said that to Carl, Golden In The Hills, I laughed very, very loud. Can you put that on my Facebook? You should start following Deslo again now, really. I'm going to follow you, mate.

So you had a 21st... For fuck's sake. Oh, look at the clouds today. What a day. I was going sake. Oh, look at the clouds today. What a day. I was going to say your last couple of updates. I was drunk tweeting last night when I was out in the city. Great. Fucking whatever.

Anyway, yeah, you had a 21st on Thursday. You know, big, big moment. You had a 21st that was thrown for you by the radio station that you work on. Yep. I feel like I was a bit rude to you at one point in the night. I told you that, I said, you know this isn't normal, don't you? This isn't, like, 21st, this is a special deal. Yeah.

David Quirk, friend of the show, turned up at one point, and he's from a small country town. And he's like, this is crazy. He goes, I'm from the country. I thought everyone in the city just had a 21st throne fallen by Triple J. That reminded me of this once when I, because I live in Warrnambool in regional Victoria and I used to travel to Melbourne, hang out with my cousin Lucy in the town. And once her friend, Warrnambool, if you don't know, it's like 30,000 people.

It's country, but it's not like, it's not fucking one station on the farm or whatever. You've got like three or four streets of shops and stuff. Yeah, we've got roundabouts. Yeah. Anyway, and I once came off on the train to meet Lucy and her friend. And it had just been when Southern Cross had been renovated, so it had like that crazy roof or whatever. But I got out of the train and I met Lucy and met her friend, and her friend went to me.

So she'd gone in Melbourne her life, and she goes, so does this seem big to you? That's her impression of country people. Right. Fuck me. Golly. Golly. You have been wearing overalls with no shirt on and a little straw hat. Little did she know, I'd just been on the moving tube for three hours.

Here's a story. Here's a quick story that I like to tell. chew for three hours. Here's a story. Here's a quick story that I like to tell. When I first got together with my girlfriend, my current girlfriend, my girlfriend for the rest of my life, you know, hopefully wife one day. Let's hope she's not listening. Hello.

Jesus Christ. Are you proposing on a podcast? I wouldn't because she never listens. He proposed to me on the little dum-dum club. I'm sure you're across it. Yeah. I just wanted there to be laughing in the background when I finally did it. Marry me, you dumb cunt.

You said no, it was a joke. Oh, good. So when we first got together, she's very much a Melbourne girl. And she's like a nice area of Melbourne girl. So she doesn't even know she she'd never been to which bitch yeah she'd never been to like the west side of town she was she didn't even know what Williamstown stuff in the West was like whatever so when she knew I'm from a country town a town of 8,000 people so I wanted to bring her to meet my parents one time do the right thing and she was like nah I'm not gonna do that I'm like

I don't know no you're the girl you're supposed to want to meet the parents one time, do the right thing. And she was like, nah, I'm not going to do that. I'm like, oh, no, no, no. You're the girl. You're supposed to want to meet the parents and do all the official things. She's like, no, I don't really want to do it. Like, this is becoming offensive because you've got to come and meet my parents. And where I grew up, that's a nice, like, not that I give that much of a shit, but it's a nice thing to do. It's a nice little tip, yeah. Where I grew up.

Yep. And I really actually had to get serious and go, no, you've got to come along. Like, this is becoming offensive. Yeah. So she's like, okay. And then I realized she didn't really know what the country was like and she didn't know what she was expecting and whatever. She thought she was going to come down and there was going to be like,

you know, gunfight at the OK Corral or whatever. Yeah. So we drove to Mirabara and where I'm from. We started driving. To be fair, it is a shit hole yeah but he's got traffic lights

he's got KFC I thought I was dead sorry it's got sunshine Johnson have you talked about that on the show I've told that

great great news not a listener of the show obviously so we drove I thought I was dead well not sunshine the show obviously so um so we drove sunshine oh can we deviate into that quickly you

would go when he told us that story but he told us it was like this is a lot about carl that you were saying i was sitting outside one day with me chip with me can of coke eating me fucking chips i love that you were saying I was sitting outside one day with me can of coke eating me fucking chips. I love that you swear that much that you've even got a sandwich in a fucking before the word chips. Just to spice up the story.

In case you got a bit bored before I got from the drink to the chips. That's fair. He's working blue. Carl Rude. Rudy Hill. We were driving to Ballarat, and I realized that she thought Ballarat was like a one-horse town, whereas Ballarat's like, I don't know.

Heaps of horses. Yeah, plenty of horses. Yeah, like 100,000, 200,000, something like that. So we went through Ballarat. I picked up a pizza, ordered a pizza, picked up a pizza on the way. She was sort of like, oh, wow, there's actually shops and there's whatever. I'm like, oh, this is like a massive city. It's a city.

It's not even a town. So we got through, and the whole time she'd been fearful of how small everything was, how dangerous, because I'd told her all the rural Sunshine Johnson stories about how everyone's like insane. She thought, she honestly thought that Sunshine Johnson would be de rigueur in, you know, Maribor. That Sunshine would be the man. I guess I can understand why you'd have the impression because the only stories worth telling about the country are exactly and then this man dude yeah yeah exactly oh yeah i

never said oh how people did accountancy or anything in maribor it was all about how when we had a lovely night one time yeah how you stopped the punch at the traffic light and a horse kicked you in the face through the window or whatever. To be fair, it was probably more I stopped at the fucking traffic light. That's good. That's caught my attention. So we got through. I picked up a pizza in Ballarat. I was like, okay, look, this is what the country's like.

It's fine. It's sort of a small city. There's no problem. There's nothing different. So she's just starting to get over her fears where I picked up the pizza. We went out of Ballarat. It's sort of a small city. That's literally what it is. That's not like a know. It's sort of a small city. That's literally what it is.

That's not like a comparison. Yeah. It's just like it is a small city. Yes. So I got the pizza. I started eating it while I was driving. She said, oh, look, you shouldn't be doing that. You should pull over by the side of the road.

I'm like, okay, once we get out of Ballarat, I'll do that. And so we got out of Ballarat. We got to this tiny little place just outside of Ballarat where there's a servo. There's a bunch of shops, there's a bunch of shops, there's a bunch of houses. So I went, right, I'll pull over here. We pulled over there. At about 8 o'clock at night, I started eating my little pizza by the side of the road.

Your little what pizza? My little fucking pizza. Sorry if you snooze off there for a second. So I'm sitting there in the driver's seat. These guys haven't sworn for ages. I'm getting a little Anderson's podcast. What a kick up the cunt. And I'm back.

Bang. So I'm eating my little pizza, and I look at the passenger seat out of my girlfriend's passenger seat, and I see this guy. There's no one within miles, and it's like nearly a full moon. I see this guy walking through this paddock in the distance toward us. And she sees him and goes, what's going on there? I'm like, nothing. It's just a dude. Anyway, he just keeps walking at the car.

And I'm like, yeah, that's fine. She's like, is this normal? I'm like, yeah, it's fine. You're in the car? Yeah, we're just sitting in the car with the motor off just eating pizza. He gets within about 40 metres. He starts sprinting at the car. Oh, fuck.

And he's clearly drunk and he starts yelling at the car. Yeah, I'm like, oh, no, he's sprinting at the car. Oh, fuck. And he's clearly drunk, and he starts yelling at the car. You fucking... I'm like, oh, no, he's not going to do this. He's running at my girlfriend's seat. I'm like, okay, I've got to do this now. Start at the car. He gets within 20 metres, 15, 10 metres. I'm like, okay.

Pull out. He's still chasing the car up the street, doing the classic Simpsons thing, throwing his fist at the car, going, you fucking come back here you love it fist or hook what do you have to say

and I'm like there you go Diane I told you the country is all fine you know that is literally the first person in the flesh

that she came into into contact with in the country no idea what he wanted didn't hear anything he said no that was it anyway my brother

did a speech about and he was pretty funny, but he said three pieces of advice. First of all, just keep being yourself, being honest, whatever. Piece number two, learn how to clear your internet history. And then he said, yeah, coming out wasn't such a shock, which he never revealed to me at all. That was the first time I'd ever heard that.

And then it went on. But the whole time leading up to it, I was thinking about 21st speeches, and the best 21st speech I ever heard was my friend Bridget 21st. Her best friend Erin told a story about how when they'd gone camping for the first time, drinking alcohol for the first time, camping in a tent, and Bridget had a few drinks and went to go take a dump in the woods. Take the dump. Accidentally stepped in the shit, brought a dump in the woods. Took the dump, accidentally stepped in the shit,

brought that back into the tent. One girl saw the shit and was so disgusted she vomited in the tent. Oh, my God. Another girl laughing so much then pissed herself. That has got everything, doesn't it? The Holy Trinity. Perfect. That's great.

The Rodney Rood Three. My 21st, I have a friend, Pat, who used to go out and get really just insanely drunk and would always have these insane stories of stuff that he'd done. And at my 21st, he got so drunk that he broke a table. And then at the end of the night, he tried to start a fight with someone he'd never met before. And then at the end of the night, he was in my front yard um like on his hands and knees vomiting as a crowd of people stood around watching him and then he stopped vomiting and looked up to the heavens and yelled out is this not what you wanted are you not entertained and then the next

day i spoke to him like pulling out a line from gladiator i love it what were you watching it that afternoon he goes i've not seen gladiator since it came out in cinemas. I've no idea where I pulled that from. And I was like, yeah, you're pretty fucked. And he goes, you know, I know you love the stories that I come out with when I'm drunk, and I know you love my exploits, and I just felt like I really owed it to you to get as drunk as I could at your party.

And then puts his arm on my shoulder and goes, happy birthday, buddy. That's beautiful. Yep. That's good. Another one was Michael Williams Oh was he there? He was there

I didn't get to see him much He didn't do a speech I was talking about His 21st I went to his 21st Ah okay yep And his dad Got very drunk

And got up to say a speech About how once when They were driving On a family holiday And I think I'm pretty sure Michael wanted something And it hadn't gone

his way. I forget what it was. Maybe they, maybe he wanted to go somewhere and they hadn't been able to. Um, and, but they were in, they were in a park, they were driving, I think it was in the Grampians in Victoria and they were in a park and, um, to show his protest, Michael got up onto one of those like park tables. The family's sitting at the park table. Michael gets up onto the park table, drops trowel, and does his shit in front of his family.

Really. Now, I'd ruin that for him if he ever comes onto the Dumb Dumb Club. I don't reckon he would have told that story, so I think that's fine. She said it'd be great if we could have an episode of the show. He's done that in a few pictures. Yeah, exactly. I know what he would have been drawing with anyway. Great if we could go one episode of the show without mentioning human shit in every episode.

My dad at my 21st got quite drunk and it was just at home and at the end of the night there were just a few of us left, so we were in a bar. I thought it was just you and your folks. Huh. I thought it was just you and your folks. Huh? I thought it was just you and your folks. Yeah. Your dad getting... You know, so at the end of the night, Griffiths got into the spa, and someone had given me,

as a present, Borat had come out on DVD, not on before, and you know when it first came out, it came out in a special pack with the DVD, and then the mankini that he wears? So we're all sitting in the spa, just kind of chilling out at the end of the night. Dad emerges from inside. He and then the mankini that he wears. So we're all sitting in the spa just kind of chilling out at the end of the night. Dad emerges from inside. He's put the mankini on. Super drunk and gets in the spa and he's kind of so fucked that he's like nearly passing out and like submerging himself. And there are a whole bunch of people there that had never met him before and they're

like, fuck, Tommy's dad's a proper alcoholic. This is a rare moment. This is his only son. I feel like he's entitled to get fucked up at the 21st. But you had a good night. You enjoyed yourself. It was great. And I don't know if the people listening here came.

It was fucking radcore. It was a lot of fun. Hey, that brings us to the end of the program for another week. Anything you'd like to mention before we get out of here, Tom Ballard? I'm filming on Twitter at Tom C. Ballard. At Tom C. Ballard. What about you, Carl? You got anything?

Don't follow at Daslo. Oh, my God. I'll try harder, guys. Is that what you want? You want me to try a bit harder? Yes. Actually, I do. Well, I was a bit last couple of things, and they were quite good.

You've done well there. Okay, yeah. I was quite drunk last night. Some were all right. Oh, God. But just the weather stuff. You know, just the, hey, Melbourne. You know, just work on that.

For example, episode five of Little Dumb Dumb Club with Lawrence Mooney, pointless. No one is. Why would you post that? Oh, man. Okay. Thanks for tuning in once again, everyone. Thanks very much. Thanks for having me, boys.

To at Tom C. Ballard for joining us. Keep well, and we'll see you next time. See you, mates. See you, mates. See you, mates.