The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 61 - Dave O'Neil & David Quirk

Episode Date: November 29, 2011

Bad Interview Questions, All Bills Included and Stolen Towels. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey mates, welcome into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. My name is Tommy Dasolo, sitting opposite me is my co-host Carl Chandler. G'day dickhead. Cut off your own intro. Seamless, seamless intro, we're saving time. Guys, our live episode recording is this Sunday That's December the 4th At Soft Belly Bar in Melbourne Stop groaning into the mic, mystery guest

At 5pm Come down, that's going to be a lot of fun Send us your wiki vandalisms to read at Is that someone sipping a drink or someone pulling a bong? It's the bong, man What's going on in here? Chomping on a cheeseburger Hey, Carl, before we get going

Before we out the idiots that are wrecking our show. I was worried that something that I was about to do was going to turn this into an absolute shit fest. And it's kind of already happened early off the starting blocks anyway. So we record this show in at Austereo, in the home of Triple M. Just talk quicker and they can't interrupt. Fox FM. God. Far out.

This is a radio professional that's doing this to this show at the moment. It's done right here for years. I thought it was the other bloke that was going to wreck this show. It's the radio professional. I thought he was going to take it seriously. All right. Well, let's just dive into it. There's no point.

I think it's nice. The fourth wall Has tumbled down here What We've got two guests For you this evening Our first guest He's been on the show before

You know him from Spics and Specs You know him from ABC Please welcome Dave O'Neill Yay Hey Hi mate How's that bong sliding down

Is that alright It's not bad Is this So you've come straight From doing your Shifted ABC radio Is this like I do mature radio guys Yeah well You've fooled us so far It's not bad. So you've come straight from doing your shift at ABC Radio. I do mature radio, guys. Yeah, well, you've fooled us so far.

It's called AM Radio. How do the 60-year-olds get into you slurping and coking down your guts? I get text messages. Someone called me a – no, he rang up and said, you're an intellectual dinosaur. So they insult you, basically. What does that mean, intellectual dinosaur? Yeah, because I was saying kids should be removed from

school if they're no good or something like that. I can't remember what I was talking about. I can't remember. Then I realised I've got several university degrees. I think I'm some sort of I think I've walked off a building site and just gone G'day, guys. I don't know. I don't know. And they're very big texters too at the ABC. They text a lot. And you can read all the, and some announcers

don't read them because they don't want to see the negative ones, but I read them all. I want to say something. I'll just quickly introduce the second guest. We've got two guests in. We've got also the guy who I thought was going to wreck this show completely, but it's switched completely on me. It's David Quirk, everybody! It's David Quirk.

Dave certainly took the heat off me there, didn't he? Yeah. Dave, I actually did ABC radio this morning. Yeah. And I had quite a depressing host that interviewed me that I won't name or whatever. But here was his second question. So I'm promoting the stand-up comedy, the joke book

that I've mentioned before on the show. Funny Buggers. Funny Buggers. Funny Buggers. That's a good penguin. His second question to me, without mentioned before on the show, Funny Buggers, Funny Buggers Out Through Penguin. His second question to me, without looking me in the eyes, was,

so, when are you going to quit comedy after you realise that you're not making any money and you're not ever going to be famous? Oh, that's fairly harsh. Who says you're not going to be famous? Let's have names. He did.

Well, to be honest, it sounded like my mum had written the question for him. That's brutal. Yeah. But seriously, when though? Yeah, when? Did had written the question for him. That's brutal. Yeah. But seriously, when though? Yeah, when? Did you answer the question? Yeah, what was your answer?

This podcast is making it quicker and quicker. It's bringing the date on. He's just putting his own concerns onto you. Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And also, I mean, I'm not famous and I'm not rich, but I make a living and that's all you want to do. You're famous. Am I?

And rich, Dave. You've been on Little Dumb Dumb Club twice. I consider you the richest man I know. Really? Yeah. You obviously haven't met Dave Hughes. He's the richest man I know.

Yeah, you're emotionally rich. Emotionally. Yeah. Thank you. You're texturally rich. I like David Quirk. He's funny. He was named in The Age,

the Melbourne newspaper the other day. You were sort of some runner-up, weren't you? Yeah, some runner-up for a newcomer most likely to quit comedy when he's not

making any money most likely to wreck the podcast they didn't tip Dave O'Neill he went under the radar yeah someone's

going to be making some sweet return on that bet that one dollar bet they're going to be getting a sweet grand pack on that one

well if they had O'Neill and Quirk each way, then they'd probably cover themselves. It's good that we've got a couple of the Daves from Melbourne Comedy in tonight. It's an all-Dave episode, I reckon. We've got a twelfth of the Daves from Melbourne Comedy in tonight. I'd like to know what the others are doing tonight. I don't know. Let's ring one.

They said no to us. That's what happened. Yeah, Dave, give us Husey's number and we'll get him on. I could ring him if you want, but he'd be very angry. Hang on, is he angry on his own time as well? Yes, he is angry. What are you doing? Even when no one's paying him to be.

Also, he's one of those guys who leaves his mobile on all the time. And it'd probably be beside his bed table. Oh, I can't handle people who leave their phone on when they go to sleep. He does. And then you call them and they get angry. Or you text them and they get angry about it. You know who else? Yeah, that's annoying.

But you can use that as an alarm clock. That's what I do. Yeah, but you can still have the alarm on with your phone on silent. Someone texted me for a gig two nights ago at 12.15 a.m. and asked for a gig. You thought that was a booty call, didn't you? I had to uncross those fingers. Comedy booty call.

No, because that's another David who leaves his phone on is David Boone. Because we rang him once on the radio when I worked with Dave Hughes. And because we found out, you know those Booney dolls? Remember the Booney dolls? The talking, the ones that gave away in slabs. For overseas listeners, David Boone is a very famous Australian cricketer. Who drank a slab on a flight to London once. A slab would be a what?

Undercase? Hang on. You're filling in the American listeners now when we've referenced ABC radio, we've referenced Hughesy, we've referenced The Age. Yeah, don't worry about it. And so they'll get it. We get their show. You know Boonie and Slabs.

No. I barely get it. We watch Seinfeld. We understand their culture. They've got to get on with our culture. It's not like they sit around watching Kingswood games. They should. Carl's right.

Cricket is like baseball. Yeah. It's like a flat bat. Boonie is like Babe Ruth, but fat and alcoholic. Picture Daniel Boone and just move from there. With a handlebar mustache. With a tail cut off and used as a mustache. So, yeah.

So, anyway. So, we found out that David Boone didn't do those boonie dolls, and we thought it was an outrage. So, we rang him. Didn't do the voice. He didn't do the voice on the boonie dolls. Right. Yeah.

And so, we rang him, and unfortunately, he was in Perth, which is two hours behind where we are in Melbourne. Yeah. For our international listeners. For international listeners, Perth is the most isolated city in the world, on the edge of Western Australian coastline. And he was very unhappy to be woken up. Because he just goes, oh.

He was probably on Can 15 or something. He was probably having good headway through the slabs. And he goes, oh, hey, David, we're just ringing you. What do you want? I'm a slab. And then Husey goes, well, why have you got your phone on? And he just goes, I've got young children, Husey. So he was very angry.

That doesn't even make sense as a reason. Oh, no. His kids are in Tasmania, and if there's a problem, I don't know. But I like that you're saying that the downfall in this was the time difference between Melbourne and Perth. But even if he was in Melbourne, you're still on the air at 6am in Melbourne. That's still way too early to call someone even without the time difference.

Waking a cricketing legend up. Yeah, this better be important. Hey, I just heard you didn't do the voice on your doll. You probably thought he'd be right into it. I left my phone on for this. I don't care if my kids die. I'm going to turn my phone off from now on. What are the highlights of doing radio?

People rag breakfast radio. Oh, it's not the worst thing that happened. So Dave, you've come in here from the ABC Quirk. You seem to have skated in here. Yeah, you've got a skateboard, man. Based on what you're carrying, yeah. Hip, arm stir. How old are you to have a skateboard?

What's your age? I turned 30. 30? I turned 31 in February 2012. Oh, I know. Now it looks... I'll tell you why. I work a day job sometimes, which probably comes as a shock to most of the listeners. You can hold down anything as a bit of a shock.

It's true. And I work for... But retail is where often people like David end up. They can't hold down any job, isn't it? Retail is one of those areas where you can sort of get away with it, can't you? Actually, you know, we've got a given. I like the way that you take no offense to any of these insults. I worked in retail, and you can be rude to people.

I'm only half listening, and I'm about to fall asleep. But apart from that, I'm fine. You've worked in retail? I worked in a hot dog shop. And you know what people would ask the number one question have a guess

is that retail by definition is that the number one question people would ask they're selling things selling hot dogs that's not the number one question by the way is it retail

is this retail what you're doing right now is this retail the sheer arrogance of what I said just to undermine the hot dog industry it was in a shop

it wasn't in like a caravan yeah and even if it was according to you it would And even if it was, according to you, it would still be retail. It was only selling vital nutrients like hot dogs that people eat to stay alive.

Not something important like bloody skateboards and stupid belts with money signs on them. What are you? And baseball caps that you wear backwards. It's not 2003, Carl.

It's not a marketplace in Bali. Anyway, the most common question people would ask, do a marketplace in Bali. Anyway, the most common question people would ask, do you sell hot dogs? That was the most common question. At a hot dog shop? Yeah, and what do

you reckon was the second one? Have a guess. Do you sell belts with money signs on it? Is this retail? Are you Dave Hughes? No, it's just

hot dogs. Can I have Boonie's phone number? Is it still on? Is his phone on? No, is, um, what was the question? Oh, are the hot dogs hot?

Really? And then the third one, can you have tomato sauce on your hot dogs? Yeah, right. And I used to go, no. Was this hot dog stand out the front of a special school or something? No, no. That's a pretty base question. Did you serve anyone? Because it sounds like you had a lot of time to make lists instead of selling hot dogs.

I did research. You should do comedy. Oh, it was fun. It was fun. Great fun. I think one of the most common questions in this selling apparel, skateboards to the youth is, do we sell suspenders? Oh, are they coming back?

We've never sold. No, but I'm talking 10 years of working retail. Oh, right. That is a weirdly common question. Really? Like what skinheads would wear? Yeah, yeah. Wow. I'm glad you went straight with the skinhead. No, but I'm talking 10 years of working retail. Oh, right. That is a weirdly common question. Really? Like what skinheads would wear? Yeah, yeah. Oh.

I'm glad you went straight with the skinhead. Yeah, skinheads. Not old men. They popularized them, didn't they? Do you sell suspenders with dollar signs on them? No. No. Not lady suspenders, but suspenders with pants.

Is that what they want? Yeah. Why do they? Have they seen Green Day or someone wearing them? Have they? I have no idea. I've just brought that up. When I see the youth, you know, people always say, why don't they pull their pants up? But they're actually trying. Yeah. Have they seen Green Day or someone wearing them, have they? I have no idea. I've just brought that up. When I see the youth, people always say, why don't they pull their pants up?

But they're actually trying. You just aren't selling any suspenders. That's right. If it wasn't for your incompetence. It's our fault, isn't it? Yeah. The kids look so stupid. Kids, if you're listening, if your principal tells you to pull your pants up, just say,

hey, it's David Quirk's fault that they're down like this. No suspenders. Yeah, no suspenders. It's not half true. Can I say this? This is literally what's happened to me today. I got on a tram today. For our American listeners, trams are...

Like San Francisco. Trams. Cable cars. Cable cars. Jesus Christ. Cable cars. Like a bus. Like a...

Like a bus with... And also, American listeners, hot dogs are like sausages in Britain. No, they invented hot dogs. Really? Wieners. Wieners, man. All right, anyway, back to the story. So tram, I was on the tram, right?

And I got on one of those packed trams. It was like 5 o'clock or whatever. So I'm packed in, and you can't move and whatever. And I happen to be forced against these two youngish girls, and they're having this big conversation. Here we go. They're having this big conversation about boys and about what they've been up to and whatever over the weekend and whatever.

So I'm pushed up quite tightly against them. They're sitting down. I'm standing up. I'm sort of over the top of them or whatever. And they're having these personal conversations. I'm like, I don't want to look like I'm listening or whatever. So I just got on the phone. I just got on my mobile phone.

I wasn't talking. I just got on to check Facebook. Upskirting. Yeah, Facebook, all this sort of stuff, right? So this is what happened, right? I'm Facebooking and I sort of hear them sort of stop talking and then I look down they're sort of glaring at me and i'm like what are you looking at me for so anyway i just say that or you just go no no i just have a look at him i went oh well something will happen and we'll get back into you know what they're doing or whatever so anyway i

get on the the phone again i'm checking facebook i'm checking the internet whatever and i can hear them start to mumble and start to grumble and start to be a bit aggressive and whatever and i look down and they're looking at me again. And I'm like, what are you looking at me for? I'm like trying not to listen to what you're saying. And then I look, I sort of take a glance back at the situation and I look at what's happening and I've got my phone out in front of me checking Facebook and whatever, but I've got it at the exact angle where it looks like I am filming down their tops.

Yeah, I knew. Is that what you sent me before? So you were right with your upskirt. It was a down skirt. You're doing a down blouse. Well, for the American listeners, that goes the other way around. A bit of down skirting. Yeah, so that was...

Well, I hope the police caught you. And I hope you get arrested for that. So did you say anything? Did you address it? No, no, no. I just realised and went and just tried to really wave my phone around like, oh, yay. I'm filming everything.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not just your boobs. I like everything. I like the advertising. They're not even that good anyway. Yeah, absolutely. That is an awkward thing though when you're on your own on public transport and you end up in a situation where you do look like you're, and you can't not be eavesdropping. If you're right next to two people who were talking loudly on a tram, if they're the only ones talking, you sort of can't not eavesdrop and you feel like they

sort of know. Well, I did this other thing where, um, like I've never played it, but words with friends, that's like Scrabble. Yeah. Is it Scrabble with like a chat component? Is that what it is? Yeah. So you can talk on the phone while you're playing Scrabble to whoever you're playing scrabble with i don't know if you can voice talk oh sorry but

you can text yeah yeah right well i was i've never done it so i'm sort of watching this girl do it and she's like you know playing scrabble putting a tile down whatever it is and then she gets into the chat bit after a move and she was detailing to a friend how she was going to break up with her boyfriend of five years that night. How many letters? Yeah, well, that was it. And then she's switching back over to go, oh, I'll put the end there. There you go. Triple words score.

Banana. I got it. Yeah. And then I'm back into, yes, I'm going to pack his bags and throw him out tonight. What a weird. So, hang on. You're literally, you're leaning over this girl's shoulders, seeing these cats. She was sitting right in front of me with her back to me and waving her phone.

While I was trying to look down her top, I accidentally looked at her phone. How much time do you spend on trans? A lot. If you're listening, young lady, come in. We'll have you on the show to hear your side of the story. Will we? Will we now? Ring in.

Let's talk about this. I think I may have briefly talked about this last week or the week before. I am currently essentially homeless. I'm between homes. I moved out of where I was living in Carlton, and I ended up living back with the parents for a week in their spare room. Yeah.

Which was a... That used to be your room? I can relate to this, Tommy. Really? Is this something to do with your lady? No. Keep going. Okay. How can you to do with your lady? No. Keep going. Okay.

How can you relate to Tommy's lady? That's off air. No, I'm just joking. Save it for Facebook chat. We should talk about this. Okay. So I was living in Carlton and basically without going into it, just a screw up of timing basically.

I thought I had another place lined up to go into. That fell through. I'd already told my housemates I was moving. They got someone to take my room. So I, in between, was staying with them for a week. But they've moved since I moved out of where I grew up. So not only am I back with them, I'm back in their spare room at their new place.

They're what's called empty nesters now. Yeah, well. That little bird's flying back to the nest. Yeah, and the nest is too small to fit him in. He's cramming in there. Are they in a flat or a house? They're in a house. A small one, though.

A small one, yeah, yeah. So you've got your own room? Yeah, I have my own room. Because this is a house that you've never lived in before because your parents bought a new house, didn't they? Yeah, well, they're renting, but yeah, it's a new house. It's a place I've never been in before. Parents renting?

Are they doing it hard or something? No. What's happening? They got forced into selling their house pretty quickly and they hadn't found somewhere else to buy yet by the time they had to sell. So they're looking, but they're just getting this place in the interim. And yeah, I mean, it's weird being- Just play along, though. It sounds unbelievable.

It sounds belie along, though. It sounds unbelievable. Whatever. It's weird being back at your parents' house in and of itself, but especially when it's a house where you don't know where anything is. Yeah. You know, like there's some weird thing with the key with getting in the front door that I don't know how to – you know what I mean? There's a weird thing with a key and getting in a front door. Where did you live before?

In a cave or something? Yeah, there was just a roller door that would just slide right up. There's bits of the wall that you can see through as well. What's going on with that? Well, that is weird for me because the bedroom at my old place, which is part of the reason I moved, didn't have a window. Oh, really? That would actually be weird for me, yeah.

That was in the shared house. You didn't have a window. I didn't have a window. In your bedroom. You were that guy. There's always one guy like that in the shared house. Yeah. You were that guy There's always one guy like that in the shared house Yeah You were that guy

I've spent the last six solid months In a sleeping bag Really? Yeah Really? When are you going to turn into a beautiful butterfly? Soon What's your situation?

I broke up with my girlfriend We used to live together That put me on a trajectory of Homelessness What's your situation? I broke up with my girlfriend. We used to live together. That put me on a trajectory of... Homelessness. Yeah, kind of. Like if I happened to go on a tour or something, it was like brilliant because I didn't have to pay rent. One time I wouldn't have to pay rent.

I was like, how sad is that? But now I'm living in North Detroit, not far from where Tommy is or was. Well, I'm currently now, at the moment, I'm in Fitzroy. Well, there you go. You're near me. Yeah, right near you. Yeah, so.

Have you got a spare room where you are? I don't have a bed even now. Really? Why? This is true. I'm sleeping on a bed, in inverted commas, that was given to me. It's not good to do visual references, but it's not even a single bed. It's not even a single mattress.

It literally fits one person. It's like a camp sort of thing camp stretcher living on that and in a sleeping bag I'm not proud of this you know this is horrible

I can actually relate to you at the moment which is making me feel really bad and you live with your girlfriend no no no I'll tell you one just one story

that will just sum this up since breaking up with my girlfriend we used to sleep in a big beautiful bed now here I am on the lam. Americans will understand

that one. None of the Aussies will. And I'm on the lam. You're like in a depression in America in the 30s. Pretty much. So you're 23 skidooing and what else is that?

Yeah. So I've been You're like Rob Patterson in that Elephants movie where he just has to walk along the railway line with nothing. His parents get killed.

Anyway, go on, whatever. You can't see this at home, but every time Quirk does a punchline, he's waving his stovepipe hat in the air. Problem is... Yeah, go on. So you're on the lam. But I'll just give you a sum up of the situation.

I've been coughing up a lot of phlegm lately. Keep shining my shoes under the table while you're telling this, by the way. I cough up a lot of crap. It's better now, but when I move into this place, there's a sliding door, a big glass door, so it's got a bit of natural light, this place. It's nice. But I was just new.

There I am. Essential detail. Yep. My first day in this house. Do you have your own bedroom or? Yes. Yeah, okay, good. I had to really think about that.

Yeah. With a window, unlike Tommy, or about that yeah with a window unlike Tommy or it's got a window yeah anyway to cut the story short I was spitting up this crap

what like the young ones oh fuck this story go on go no no no I just I opened it up I had this stuff in my throat I'm new

like I like you it's weird in a new house like you're saying yeah and I just thought I had to spit this stuff into the backyard so I opened up the glass door spat into the backyard just you know opened up the glass door, spat into the backyard.

Just, you know. And it landed right on the cat. And then I had to sort of, I went over to sort of pick it out with my fingers. And I thought I was patting it. That's the story, basically. Sort of how my life has been for the last six months. What's cat's name? What's pussy's name?

Flemmy. Flemmy. Dave. Black Betty. It's a black cat Black Betty Black Betty with a bit of green Yeah yeah

Black and green Are you staying with the Hells Angels? It's been a weird year But it's I'm back on top I'm doing the dum-dums You know Yeah

This is the official welcome back Are you permanently In this place Or are you just crashing It's the first place I've paid rent Right So why are you sleeping in a sleeping bag?

Oh, that should change now. Like, now it just proves that I'm lazy. That's what we're saying to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why don't you know this? I tell you. And a mattress. Yeah.

I could talk about what happened the other night there. Oh, here we go, yeah. That's irrelevant. No. You don't, it's embarrassing. You can't bring home and romance a young lady when you're on a camp stretcher because it'll probably collapse under your weight. I had to send her on her way.

I bought my first bed only not that long ago because when I got my girlfriend that I have now, I've never owned a bed before that. Like, I've never bought a bed. I had a bed when I lived in Ballarat that was just like something like you've described, like this thin mattress that I would just put on the floor and put a doodle over the top. Yeah, we'll chip in.

Yeah, I didn't have a bed until my current girlfriend. What did I say? Current girlfriend. Well said. Hope she doesn't listen. Not my next girlfriend, my current girlfriend. Your first wife Yeah exactly

And she was like That's what She thinks her influence Has you know That's the big thing She takes credit for That she made me buy a bed She's changed me in a way

You have changed a little bit She always refers to me Before I met her As the guy that lived Under a bridge The bedless Like Macapaca In the night garden He lives under a bridge. The bedless one. Like Maca Packa in The Night Garden. He lives under a bridge.

I think in her head she bought half a dozen big issues off me and changed my life or something. But you're still selling them. My first double bed was my nana. End of story. All right. Go to a song if you want to. Ad break. Go to a song if you want to.

Ad break. Now, a woman down the road from her died, and Nana goes, come down and have a look because she's got some great furniture, and they're going to give it to the church. But Nana was big in the church, and she intervened and got me the bed. So I had to go. It is a power play. I had to go on a tour of her house.

I don't know, maybe they're selling it. I don't know what the hell was going on. I had to sort of go in and look at the bed and go, yeah, Nana, I want that one. But then she, I got the bed and,

Sounds like a dream, doesn't it? And then Nana told me that the woman actually died in the bed. And then you, Nan, turned into a cat

and caught on fire. Nan said, you might want to flip the mattress. Did you sleep in it? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, and plenty of other women almost reached death in there. Boys will be boys. But I've been doing the trying to find a place to live on Gumtree. And, man, that is a – have you done that at all, Dave? Gumtree Avenue. Yeah, it's hard to –

No, I'm not looking for property on a street called Gumtree. Yeah, no, I didn't at all. We're not playing Homeless Monopoly at the moment. You are. Nah. Someone on Facebook will always offer something up. Right, yeah. See, I've hit up a couple of those things,

but then also just looking around at the Gumtree stuff and some of the ads, you just look at them and you go, like, this ad may as well just say, P.S. I will rape you in your sleep at the end of it. Because that's, everything else about this just screams that, you know. This one I found was a place that, a place that would be kind of good to live in.

It's like for two people. It's a guy like looking for a roommate. It'd be good to live in if it was you and a mate or you and a partner. But with someone you don't know, it'd be a disaster because it's an old barber shop with like a house out the back. Yeah. What? But it's like just big glass frontage onto a main road. And he's like, oh, you know, so, yeah, we can sleep out the back and we've got to work out how we use the space because it's all a bit weird and we'd have to work out the privacy.

And as for that front room, I'm not using it at the moment, but we could have that as the living room or you could even have that as your bedroom if you want. You're like, yeah, that's what I want. I want to have heaps of taps in my room, heaps of basins, and just a big glass window right out onto the street. And sleep in a chair. Yeah, exactly. But it seems like, you know, yeah, if you were with a mate, that'd be cool because it'd be kind of quirky, but with someone you don't know. And the guy's name's Walter.

I mean, that's nuts. At least in your bedroom you've got a nice rug. Well, hang on, that's people's hair I'm walking on. Walter will shave your nuts in your sleep. That's what will happen when you're in the chair. Yeah. Don't trust a man called Walter. Yeah, with that cutthroat knife.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, man. That's awesome. Because living in a shop sounds like a great idea until... It's not, yeah. For like one second. You need to do it with someone you know.

You couldn't move into a shop with a stranger because it's, you know... Well, you could. That's such a ridiculous rule. You can't move into a shop with a stranger. No, but I mean... Because it's going to be weird. You need to know someone before you live in the same house as a cash register. Everyone knows that one.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's like we're living in a warehouse. Warehouse. There's no... They're not built for, you know, living in. Yeah. And there's no noise, you know. There's no, they're not built for, you know, living in. Yeah. And there's no noise, you know.

There's not, you can hear someone going to the toilet next door. Heaps of weird petitions in there. It's strange. It's cold. You can't get wild and crazy on the barber chair with your lady love. Because Walter will hear it. No doubt he'll be filming it. Yeah.

Yeah, exactly. That's the vibe he gave off. You'd have some good share house stories though, Dave. Oh, man. I lived in the same shared house for 11 years. Really? Yeah. You're that guy.

Yeah, yeah. I'm that guy. I moved out with my brother, and then I've got a twin brother with him and three mates from high school, and then they all eventually left, and it was just me left with a couple of junkies and the cat, and oh, it was bad. It was bad. We got to the stage, we would put ads up and get people coming. This dude came around, and my brother was still there.

And so he said, have you got any questions? And this is true. The guy said, yeah, if you could come back as an animal, what would it be? That's what he said. My brother has thought about it. Oh, I'd come back as a giraffe. Jesus Christ. But he moved in that guy and he was, yeah, he was.

Well, giraffe's the right answer. Yeah. What's the wrong answer? Yeah. Yeah, he. What's the wrong answer? I don't know. A skunk that doesn't pay rent? Yeah, no, no. Yeah, yeah. That's no good, man.

Yeah, he moved in. He was a freak. But we had a lot of, oh, we had a lot of fun in the crazy shared house. What happened one day, though, because there were five people living in the house. I came down. Now, my girlfriend went downstairs, and there was a woman sitting on the the couch. She just assumed it was Jenny's friend who lived in the front room. So, she just went upstairs. And then Jenny came out and saw this woman sitting on the couch and she just assumed she was one of my friends or something. Then we all

came down at the same time and then we looked at this woman and I said, do you know who this woman is? No. So, I said, excuse me, who are you? She goes, my name's Moira and I want to live here. And we're like, well, you just can't turn up and just move in. She goes, no, but I'm homeless. And, you know, the door was open. So I just think this would be a really good place to live. You seem like nice people.

I said, no, no, no. You've got to come back tomorrow and speak to Russell, who's in charge. And so she went away, right? And she said, so what time will Russell be here tomorrow? I said, I'll come at five. Right, because Russell was a guy living in the house. I was thinking on my feet, guys. Anyway, we were all sitting around the lounge room the very next day, and Russell was there. And he's going, oh, bullshit, bullshit.

No one told him. And then there was a knock on the living room door. And I opened the door, and Russell was there and he's going, oh, bullshit, bullshit. No one told him. And then there was a knock on the living room door and I opened the door and it was Maura and she goes, hello, is Russell here? I want to speak about moving in. But we didn't let her move in. But the funniest story. Well, maybe that's what I need to do if I'm trying to find a place. Just go to some mansions in Toorak and just sort of sit in the front room and go, I want

to live here. What do you reckon? Can we look it up? That makes sense. How has there ever been a homeless woman called Moira? Yeah, Moira. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Moira. That's not a particularly homeless name. No. Not that you're really born into homelessness.

She went on to turn up on the Bird Newton show selling stuff. It was amazing. It probably wasn't her stuff by the sound of it. She was going in and auditioning at people's houses. It's like a good job. We also had, in this shared house, it had like a red window. And as a joke, Russell, whose nickname was Noddy, put on a Visa card and MasterCard sticker. And so at night, with the red light and the Visa card, it looked a little bit like a brothel.

And so it was on a main road. And we lived next to it. This guy lived next door. He's a big, tough Vietnamese guy with tattoos and stuff. And anyway, one night, at about 11 o'clock on a Friday night, and this was when we were living with two girls, just two friends, and there was a knock on the door and it was the guy from next door. I said, oh, because I'd seen him around.

I said, hey, mate, how are you going? And I'd had a few drinks. And he goes, this brothel? And I went, oh, no, no, it's not a brothel. But do you want to come in anyway? He goes, yeah, sure. He came in and the girls were in their pajamas and they went running they'd heard the conversation and they were running screaming out to the to the kitchen we're hiding and so he sat down and

noddy came out offered him a drink and he sat there and um and it was really quiet and so i just tried to start a conversation with him i said so did you come out on a boat or what? And the girls in the kitchen, you're like, you're a racist. I said, hey, he thought you were prostitutes, all right? Just shut up with the racism comments. Fun times, crazy times. The man thought we were prostitutes. He obviously thought I was the pimp. I lived in a house.

I don't think I've talked about this. I lived in a house once where I don't think i've talked about this i lived in a house once where i moved i went to an interview uh it was a really nice apartment at the top of a building uh in richmond it was really swish it was really big had great views whatever and i walked in and went oh i'm clearly not going to be able to afford this and then he said oh it's this much and i went okay clearly that's too much and too much. And I said, does that include everything? Thinking, because I'd never lived in an apartment building, I thought maybe there's extra stuff for the elevator

or the body corporate or whatever it is. Does that cover all that? And he goes, okay, that can cover all the gas and power and phone and internet and whatever. And I went, okay, yep, that's what I was asking. All right. And I went, oh, okay. Yep, that's what I was asking. All right. And I went, okay, I'm going to do it. Because that sounds like a sweet deal all of a sudden.

So then he just paid for like the, you know, power, gas, everything, all the utilities he paid for under that rent thing, which turned into a very affordable house. But then he like lost his, because he had some good job, but he lost his job like a month in or something. Oh, no. So then after a month, he would more and more every month go, yeah, so all those bills are due. And I'd be like, yeah, yeah, yeah, cool.

Yeah, I paid the rent. So see ya and just leave. And it would just go on and on and he would be losing more and more money. Cut channel everyone. Yeah, you're paying Fox sell still. Yep. Cool. Movie channels, all sell still. Yep, cool. Movie channels, all of them.

Yep, great. And now this guy's homeless, breaking into Dave O'Neill's joint, seeing if he can crash in his kid's room. Was that in Richmond, Kurt? Yes, it was. I stayed a night there. Yeah, you did. Remember?

Late. Yeah, I charged you rent, I think. No, I didn't. Will this include the Dave quirk on the couch? This rent? Yeah. Yeah, we can do that he just went down and down and downhill

and at the end he was like selling stuff and whatever he sold his car what and you're sitting back and letting this happen oh man

I didn't think the two were linked Jesus I wish this was a visual thing you should see Carl's face he's laughing but you can tell

he actually feels quite bad it's like he hasn't thought about it for years and it's just dawned on him how much of a shit thing it is to have done. When you say things out loud, of course it sounds bad. Gasper, I've got to sell my DVDs now. Meanwhile, I'm watching Blade Runner on Movie Classics going, yeah, yeah, you still got the Land Cruiser for sale?

Yeah, good luck with that, buddy. Don't cut the Foxtel off. Don't cut it down to just the main channel. I enjoy the movie channels. They're really good. That's brutal. Yeah. So then when he had no money left, he's like, I've got to move out.

Are you going to stay here? I'm like, no. As if the next person is going to pay all my bills. I'm leaving. I can only cripple one person financially. No one else would be stupid enough to. How long did you live there for? A year.

Wow. Yeah. I wonder what that guy's doing to. How long did you live there for? A year. Wow. Yeah. I wonder what that guy's doing now. I think he's studying maybe. I think I put him off these business. Studying economics. You were like a kept man. You were like someone that a really rich person would keep in a flat.

Exactly. Normally they're a woman, an attractive woman. You know the thing that justified it in my head? The thing that justified it is that he wouldn't do his dishes. Oh, yeah. So I was like doing dishes going, well, this is worth a couple of hundred a month. Yeah, dishes. He should do his dishes.

Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. I live with a guy who when you didn't do the dishes, he'd put them in your bed. One of those guys. What? Oh, yeah. I've heard of. Extreme, extreme shared house people.

Yeah. And the dudes would put the label on their Pepsi bottle and put a line where the level was. Yeah. So you'd drink some and then wean it. Yeah, it was good fun. Yeah, my last housemate did that. He, one time, I had a cereal bowl and I put it on the sink. It was like one dish and he put it in my bedroom.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's nice and passive aggressive. Yeah. It reaches peak when Anthony Ian had Had his 21st And brought home The ice cream cake And I ate it all

When I was stoned I like how you nearly I like how you nearly I like how you nearly Weren't going to add When I was stoned On the end there And then you realise

Oh this is a bit of a bad story I better make myself Look a bit good Oh I'd been doing drugs At the time That's much worse To me that's much worse Than jipping some guy out of thousands and thousands of dollars in utility bills.

Eating his 21st birthday ice cream cake. Exactly. They're good cakes. I didn't know. But as someone pointed out, I was shaped into 21 with Happy Birthday, Anthony. He just ripped through it. You think after eating the two, you're leaving the one at least. I was hungry.

I'm thinking, the cake is right. There are 21 reasons to eat this cake. That's right. It's just you and I, Tommy, left to just have weird confessions. Two, one. He knew. He found out. He wasn't happy.

All right. What's your confession, Quirk? Oh, fuck. You're the sort of person that doesn't. Have you ever. What about when I went to Sorry I can't eat you off but when I was in

I went on to Teachers College right and I went away with this guy called Paul O'Brien he was 10 years old and we stayed

in the caravan in Hillsville right Hang on Hang on Hang on We don't There are certain things

we're not allowed to talk about on the show so is this one of these things It's not male to male sex I love that you always make your stories extra libelous

by giving the full name of the person you're talking about as well. Have you already been tried for whatever this is? No, no, no. It's not like I'm filling out the... I'm not filling out a blood donation form. Is this double indemnity where you can't be tried for the same thing? Anyway, so we're lying in bed at night and he's an experienced man. I thought it wasn't going to be one of these stories.

No, he just goes to me, so what's your living situation? I go, I'm living with two girls. He goes, two girls? I go, yeah, yeah. He goes, have you slept with them yet? I go, no. He goes, man, I've slept with every girl I've ever lived with. Oh, what?

I'm like, really? He goes, yeah. Didn't you used to live with your parents? My sisters. I don't have sisters. But my brother would wear a dress occasionally Because mum wanted a girl She was going to be

Called Susan I was going to be Michelle It's a true story I was going to be Leah Yeah That's funny Did your mum ever told you? No I never got that

I was going to be Ariel Oh What? Yeah Ariel would have been hot What would I make that up? Ariel would have been a geek girl Ariel Alsop

Yeah Things have changed Things have changed dramatically Since he was a boy, haven't they? So anyway, he goes, yeah, yeah, man, look, if they're living with you, they're up for it, right? I'm like, really? I'm like, really, are they? They're sort of like, because I was very innocent. I didn't know this.

It's a nice theory. It's a nice theory, but it's wrong. It's incorrect, though. No, because what happened then? So the next weekend, I was back in town. We've learnt that over time. Yeah, over time we've learnt that. Just because girls are sharing houses doesn't mean they want to have sex with you. And so what happened was that, so the next

weekend, I was back in my shared house with these two girls, and I pretended that I heard something outside, and I took my shirt off, and I went down and said to one of the girls, hey, um, I think I heard someone outside. Can I sleep in your bed? What?

How did those two things? I don't know. You took your shirt off because there was a stranger outside. They're all girls. What effect were you going for? I don't know. Then I offered her a message and nothing happened. So Paul was wrong.

If you're listening, Paul, you're wrong. You took your shirt off so that was supposed to be that you were tough and you were going to fight them but then you came in and went, I want to sleep in your bed.

Oh yeah, good point. Or was it supposed to be something that was so scary that it knocked the shirt off you? That's why you had to sleep in your bed. I just like the logistics. You're standing in a doorway in partial darkness. Shirt off.

You say, yeah, you don't say, that's just obvious. There you are, with it off. And you say to her, I heard something outside. Can I sleep in your bed? Which is a fair enough question, let's face it. And then from there she remains silent and looks back at you and you say, do you want a massage? With that help.

I heard something outside. What do they say? Get your shirt off do you want a massage? Would that help? I heard something outside. What did they say? Get your shirt off. Offer a massage. I complied with their demands. I think we're safe. Let's get in the car. No, no. What actually happened? The guy stole my shirt. That's the thing that's the burglar stole my shirt.

Alright. But he left some massage oil. You look tense from the stress from the noise outside. Anyway, the moral to this story is do you need a massage? Don't go to a caravan with a guy called Paul and let him tell you lies about women because they're not true for the young men listening. It's not true. Paul.

Oh, Paul. What happened to Paul? I had a weird... This is actually sort of related to Dave O'Neill, actually, when I met you at your gig the other day in Fairfield. And I was there, and this is about stories of maybe not regret, but strangeness. And I have recently, for the first time in my life,

stolen a push bike. Oh, yeah, you did too. The way you say that, it's like something that we all do at some point in our lives. Everyone does this at some point. It was a girl's bike, too. Yeah, because I rocked up wearing... That's your version of a bar mitzvah, is it?

Yeah. Now you're a man. Coming of age. Now you're 30. Thank you. Did we give you gifts for that, or did you... It's good, isn't it? I'm glad you welcomed me with open arms.

No, here's why. And I told you this night, Because Corinne Grant was there that night And someone asked me Why I was wearing this leather jacket And it's not a I used to ride a motorbike Looked like you were riding a motorbike Yeah, but it's not a leather jacket

And I said I didn't ride a motorbike here tonight I actually rode a girl's bike That I stole And I say that Partly because it's true And partly because it gets a funny look On people's faces

And then I said But it was locked up At the front of the shop I work at for three months And I just decided Well, I need a bike. Mine got stolen. And then we all said to you, you're probably riding. Yeah, no, it was Corinne Grant.

So here I am thinking I'm unveiling some interesting news about that I stole a bike because no one else was going to take it. And then Corinne Grant said, this is phenomenal what she said, I thought. She goes, whose was it? And I said, I don't know. She goes, you know whose it was? A dead girl's bike. And I thought I had a dark sense of humour. Well, she hasn't come back for it.

She could have died. Yeah, so I ride it for her now, this girl. Each day I think of riding it. Guys, come on. She could have just been kidnapped and unfound. Let's not be too dark. She could be living a new life. She could be in a shower.

Some guy could be taking off his shirt right now. When the wind is whistling through your ears, that may not be the wind. That may be the poor girl's whales. The haunted bicycle. The ghost of the Malvern Star. Or she could be very sick. But she could get better and come back for that bike. That could be her whole goal.

She's in hospital at the moment with some degenerative disease, and she's saying, one day I'll go and reclaim that bike. And then she'll have years of physio, and there'll be a big occasion, and they'll broadcast on a radio station, today Sally's going to go get her bike, and she'll turn up and there'll just be a lock hanging. And you look out the window looking really guilt-stricken. A lock in this podcast that gets used as evidence.

What if there's a chip in that bike where they can track you down and go, well, we found the girl at the bottom of a dam. We suspect you, Quirk. Quirk's riding around with Spokie-Dokies and ribbons coming out the handlebars with a big basket at the front. Popping some sweet monos. Sissy bar. With quirk DNA all over that sweet ride.

Have you seen CSI? Not only am I a vicious killer, I'm also stealing their bike. All of a sudden, David Quirk's doing gigs live in San Quentin. Is it like a good bike, though? No, it's a very cheap bike. Is it?

It's a girl's Malvinstar cheap. Will you let us say brands on this? Yeah, I think so. I think they went under Malvinstar anyway. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's a girl's Malvin Star cheap. Will you let us say brands on this? Yeah, I think so. I think they went under Malvin Star anyway. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's a Malvin Star. But I want to thank Grant actually because I'm going to use that in my... Just by you saying Malvin Star, Dave's getting excited

because he thinks he's notching up another Spicks and Specks appearance. Yeah, Malvin Star's on 45. Is that right? So there's my confession. How about that? Yeah. That's pretty... Wow, that's your turn.

He killed a girl for a bike. Not bad. Thank you. Good night. Tommy, anything? Oh, anything to confess? Have you been a bad person? No, I don't have anything too bad.

Yeah? I mean, how do you, what do you? He doesn't use his real name because he's ashamed of that. Yeah, exactly. That's been well covered. He's changed his name to run away from various crimes that he's done in other states. What about this? Okay, what about this?

I've got a question for you, Tommy Daslow, if that is your real name. You know it's not. I was at Spleen tonight. What's that? I'm in America. I don't know. I'm in Ohio. What the hell is Spleen?

They have Spleens in Minnesota. It's a weekly gig that I help run. It's like performing comedy on a bus, but go on. Yeah. And I was hearing they're big fans of the show at Spleen. And last week on one night they made a cocktail special that they put on Twitter to induce people to come in. They made the Sunshine Johnson cocktail. So long-time fans of the show will know Sunshine Johnson,

the man, the myth, the legend that came from Meribah, from my hometown. And that enticed you in to go in to drink Sunshine Johnson? That's how little I have going on. No, I was out on Friday night. I had dinner on Smith Street, and then I was out on Friday night. I had dinner on Smith Street. And then I was going to something in the city that started a bit later. So me and a friend were on the way into the city and we thought, we'll just go somewhere and, you know, kill some time in between.

And then I saw that on Twitter as we were on the tram going past Splane. And I thought, oh, Splane will be pretty empty. Like, we can just sit there and have a couple of drinks. And then go on. That's pretty uncool. And Mikey, Mikey the bartender, said to me tonight, he said, ask Tommy, ask Tommy how he went with the towel, trying to get a towel. Yeah.

Did he have an accident on the tram? They had this giveaway with the type of rum that was in the cocktail. Mount Gay Rum. Mount Gay Rum. Say it. No. Where every time you ordered one, you get a little scratch card and you've got a one in three chance of winning a towel,

a one in three chance. Wow. Between me and the friend I was with, we had six and we did not win a single one. Yeah, it's a con, man. It's a con. Yeah. And someone was going to give us a free towel on the way out.

Someone was going to go, no, no, come on here, have this one. And Mikey went, no, don't give him the towel. Mikey denied us a charity towel on the way out. It's a scam. It's a classic scam. You're trying to get a towel and you can never win one. Yeah, those milk bottles are glued down.

They're not moving. I got one of them today. Nigerian Treasurer emailed me today. I've got some towels to give away. And I'm like, where do I put my bank account details? I'm the heir to the Mount Gay fortune. But would you have to carry that towel around all night? Well, it was like one of those compacted in.

Oh, okay. It crushed up into a disc. I have this great image of you turning into an Arab headdress and walking around like kids used to do with beach towels. Yeah, well, I went to a club afterwards, so that would have maybe... You walked in with a towel over your shoulder. Where did you get that? Mount Gay.

Mount Gay? I won't ask anymore. Steam room. In you go. Yeah, yeah. Have you ever heard my towel story? No. Do you remember that one?

No. Stole one from a young girl at the beach and then drowned her in the ocean. And took her by hand. Yeah, we've heard that one. A shark took her. It's got a sad ending. Yeah. She won't need to be dry where she's gone.

The towel sat there for three months. Oh, yeah. Three months. I thought that's up for grabs. She locked it up. And then someone said, whose towel is that? It's a dead girl's towel. If anything's sustainable in three months, it's clearly a dead person's.

Claim it, man. That's what we've learned tonight. That's like adverse possession. You know, if your house's fence is, you know, like, say, there's an alleyway, and then you fence off the alleyway for 30 years, you can own it for 30 years. That's not three months, though. Quirk's like, if that's been there for a season, that's mine. Yeah, well, I was in Edinburgh for the first time, and I was...

Do you want to hear this? Yeah, go on. More towel base? Are we going with towels? We love towel stories. All right. Well, I... You sounded like you were to hear this? Yeah, go on. More towel base? Are we going with towel? We love towel stories. All right. Well, I... You sounded like you were in a newsroom.

We're going with the towel thing? We've got the towel thing. People like, I think... It's one of my favourite things to get dry with. Yeah, I love them. Yeah, absolutely. I love them.

Shammy's very close second. But it's true. I was staying with people like... People like Felicity Ward might have said, can I stay now? Yeah, I'm sorry about this. Massive. Do you mean people like Felicity Ward. Name drop. Yeah, I'm sorry about this. Do you mean people like someone who's similar?

There was a whole bunch of Melbourne. Her sister. Were you staying with her sister? Because she's like Felicity Ward, I would assume. Yeah, but not her. Anyway, go on. You. People, a bunch of Melbourne comics said stay here.

And so I did. And I went overseas for some reason without a towel. I just thought I'd be fine. No, you wouldn't bring a towel overseas. To be honest, I didn't even think I'd buy one. I just did not think about having a towel. They've got absorption over there. Man, I struggled with that one.

They exist everywhere. Absolutely, yeah. And so I... This was a weird situation. There was a German girl staying there who was apparently doing merch for the Chippendales were appearing. The male review were appearing at the Edinburgh Fringe because they're artistic genius. That is pretty alternative. Jesus.

Absolutely. Getting your wang out, that is. So that's what she was doing there. Pushing the envelope With your erection I hadn't met any of these I knew all the other people that were staying in this apartment Except this girl

I saw a towel sitting in the lounge room It was drying I thought once I finished with that It'll be drying in half an hour No one's going to ask any questions I grabbed it, had a shower It sat there for three months And I

Thought she was dead, I thought this would be fine I had a shower, dried myself Walked back to the lounge room Where I was about to get dressed And put the towel back on the rack And I bumped into a girl, a German girl who I hadn't seen. And I said, hi, hi, I'm Dave. And she goes, is that my towel?

That was a no hello. She goes angrily, is that my towel? I said, without knowing, I said, most likely, it probably is, yes. And then she goes, I need that right now. And she just was having none of it. She wasn't going to give me any leeway. And I said, okay, I'll get you another towel. I'll get you another towel, sure.

It was my first day in Edinburgh, right? I said, give me 10 minutes. I remember saying that. Give me 10 minutes, I'll get you a towel. I got dressed. In a strange city, you're promising someone a towel. From the off-license. I thought I was going to get a towel.

And so I ran down like four flights of stairs. I remember there was a milk bar at the corner. Because they sell towels, of course. Yeah, in Edinburgh they might. I ran all the way down there and said, do you sell towels? They said no. Then I remember there was a public swimming pool on the way back. Oh, I'm going to steal one.

I thought that's like the land of towels. Yeah. And so I go in there, do you sell towels? And they go, no. I remember they said no. Either way, they didn't have towels for sale. No. And so I went back up.

I thought, I'm just going to have to look her in the eye and say, I can't give you a towel. So you actually found the perfect place and you couldn't get a towel in there. I know. So what I thought, as I'm walking back up these stairs with my head hung low, I thought... And this girl is dripping wet that's waiting for you.

No, she wasn't. That's why she was rude. She was waiting to have it. She could have borrowed it from someone else that lived in the apartment. She was just riding me hard. Oh, yeah, you're in a position to make calls about that. Well, I'm not, but I was trying to do the best with what I had. Sure.

And I thought I'll door knock. So at the apartment below theirs, I knocked on their door. This is an absolutely true story. I knocked on their door. It's an absolutely true story. I knocked on the door. A little kid entered the door. Oh, no. Strange danger. You said, you look dry.

How did that happen? Yeah. I said, have you been here for three months? I'm scared. There's a noise outside. Can I sleep in your bed? Are you tense? Can I sleep in your bathroom?

And I said, is your mum or dad around? I just need to speak to them. And he said, I'll get my grandma. Does your mum or dad want to get bed, bath and food? Oh, grandma's good. Grandma came over and she was lovely. And I said, this is exactly what I said. I said, I'm so sorry.

This is very strange. I'm just over from Australia. I've used the wrong towel. This is a true story. I've used the wrong towel and I was just wondering if I could give you five pounds or something, could I buy a towel off you? No. And she says, I'll give you one because she was lovely.

And I said, I'm happy to pay a few pounds. It's fine. And then she goes, no, here you go. And then she started up a story about how she was living in Melbourne during the war. I said, I haven't got time for this, lady. By the time you get back, was the original towel dry? Yeah, it was. I swear this was in about 10 or 15 minutes, all this took place.

And I just thought about the irony of her being in Melbourne during the war. There was a German girl upstairs angry at me. And so I go up and the woman was nowhere to be found. She was so rude, she just left. And I still don't remember. Was she getting angry in Poland by then? Yeah. So that's the story. I left one of the towels there

I took the other one And moved out Soon after Because I couldn't Handle the pace You actually moved out Because of the towel Oh

I don't remember It was a long way It was on Thirlstain Road For God's sake Oh that's Yeah For all our American listeners

Yeah that's somewhere That's towel country So that's my towel story It's where that is. For all our American listeners. Yeah, that's somewhere. That's towel country. So that's my towel story. It's funny. That's towel road. Oh, towel road, man. I want you to know that I did not come in here intending to tell a towel-based story tonight. We wouldn't have invited you if we thought you had.

Why would you? No wonder you have no fixed address at the moment. You've got Germans and old women and young girls chasing you for crimes. Dave's standing up. I'm not going to get a lot of luck. Germans and old women and young girls chasing you for crimes when committed. If anyone wants to adopt David Quirk as their sponsor child, just get in touch with us. Dumb Dumb Club. Yeah.

Guys, that brings us to the end of the Dumb Dumb Club for another week. I want to thank Dave O'Neill and David Quirk very much for joining us. Guys, you got anything to plug on your way out? Got a panel van for sale. I need a mattress or a bed. I need a place to live. Hey, just a reminder to come to the live show. Yeah, live show Sunday, December 4th, 5pm.

We're going to have heaps of stuff. We're going to have t-shirts. Are we saying t-shirts? Are we saying it? Well, we got them. T-shirts for sale. And what about your book, Carl? That's going to be on sale soon, right?

Yeah, I know I've got to book out Funny Buggers. It's out now. And I'll be offering massages. Shirtless massages. Guys, thank you so much for joining us. Thanks, Tommy. Thanks, Carl. Thanks for listening. Hit us up on Twitter and Facebook.

Email us, littledumbdumbclub at gmail.com. We'll see you next time. See you, mate. See you, mate.