The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 62 - Live! Virginia Gay, Greg Fleet, Nick Cody, Luke McGregor, Anyone For Tennis?

Episode Date: December 7, 2011

Recorded LIVE at Softbelly Bar, December 4th, 2011. International Listeners, Smashing It and The Dum Dum Club Theme. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi everyone, thanks so much for coming to the Little Dum Dum Club. Please welcome to the stage your two hosts for this evening, Tommy Desolo and Carl Chandler. Yay for us, we made it. Thanks everyone for coming to the dress rehearsal. Thank you. Guys, thank you so much for coming down to Live Little Dumb Dumb Club. Yay. My name is Tommy Dasolo. Standing opposite me is my co-host, Carl Chandler.

G'day dickheads. All right. Now, I feel like it's Dumb Dumb Club tradition that we need to ask Mike, is this recording? Right, we're on, we're good. For the listeners at home, this is the third time we've attempted to start this. Right into it. Guys, thank you so much for coming down. This is amazing.

Thanks for coming down and packing out the room again. We've got a lot of special guests for you. We've got some good surprises. It's exciting, isn't it? It is. It's exciting. I had a few things that happened to me before we started the show that I thought, this is going to be a good show, good omens.

I talked to the manager here after to me before we started the show that I thought, this is going to be a good show, good omens. I talked to the manager here after I explained what we were doing today and he said, oh, yeah, yeah, I've started listening to the show. And I went, what do you think? And he said, yeah, there's a few of them. So it just makes me feel good that we know that we have got a quantity of podcasts. They have happened. There's been a few of them. I mean, big week for entertainment in Melbourne.

Oh, very, very, yeah, very quickly as well. This is what happened before. Okay. I was... I'll just... Yeah. No, but this is all I got. So once I get through this, that's it.

You can have the rest of the show. Yeah, yeah. I did some postering on Swanston Street and I was putting up posters for this thing. And as I was putting them up, this 60-year-old guy walked up in front of me, eyeballed me and tore the posters down. No friend of the show. Not at all.

Wow, that's brutal. Yes. I mean, big week for entertainment in Melbourne. You've got Dolly Parton, Eminem, Foo Fighters, and the Sweet Cherry on top, live Dum Dum Club. Yeah, yeah. Hey? Did anyone do the quad? Did anyone go to all, has anyone now gone to all four of those things?

No? Oh, okay. What a weird person you would be if you went from Dolly Parton to Eminem. Yeah, I was going to say, that's a weird Venn diagram. Yeah, yeah, yeah. From boobs to dickheads. Thanks, guys, for coming down. Did anyone get a T-shirt?

Anyone get... Everyone see our T-shirts? Yeah. Two. So have we broken even by selling two? Is that... Well, here's what's making me look pathetic. I've worn my own T-shirt, so...

No one else has, but I have. So I'm currently wearing a picture of myself on the back, which is a bit pathetic. Well, we went to the Foo Fighters last night, and I'm living wearing a picture of myself on the back, which is a bit pathetic. We went to the Foo Fighters last night, and I'm living out of a suitcase, so one of our T-shirts was the only clean thing I had. So I nearly wore it to the gig last night with a jumper, and then I thought, I know what's going to happen.

I'll get hot, I'll need to take the jumper off, and then all of a sudden I'll just be that dickhead wearing my own thing. And I'd never get recognised, but that would be the one time that someone would come up and go hey it's so nice to oh yeah a bit sad well this is what i feel like because we got like uh pictures of ourself on the thing it's like it's like those guys that give themselves their own nicknames or something you know it's like yeah look it's the i'm big look i've got a picture on me oh shit because i used to work with a guy that uh did something similar he came in and his

name i'll say his name i think i'm allowed to say his name brad maxwell this is the name of this guy and he uh he came into work and he was like so my nickname smacksy so everyone called me that and uh everyone's like i don't know if you can choose your own nickname i don't think that's that works like that he's like no no it'sacksie. So then no one called him Smacksie and then the first casual Friday that came up, he came in with a self-made hat that just said Smacksie. What can I feel like that at the moment? So like he had made it himself.

He hadn't just like found it in an op shop and then taken on the nickname to match the hat. Or like it was actually he'd done it himself. No, he'd done it himself. Wow, that's awesome. We had the same thing at high school when I finished year 12. You know, like some schools you get like the rugby jumper, like a year 12 rugby jumper or whatever that's got,

and you can choose the name that you have on the back. Yep. And this one guy on my year level got G written on the back of his. Yep. And we were like, what's G? Where's that come from? And he goes, oh, because, you know, because I look like Andrew G. And we were like, do you?

And he's like, yeah, that's what everyone says. And we and we're like no one says that you've said that just now and that's such an obscure thing it's not like a surname like you put selic on the back because you think you'll go magnum it's like g like you've taken the 126th of the alphabet you guys can work this out yeah yeah i'm as fat as the mcg that's what everyone says. That's why that's my nickname. Yeah. So anyone listening who's not here today, if you want a T-shirt, we're going to mail them out. So get it at us on Twitter or Facebook or email us. Be very quick. We just sold three of them.

So just a round of applause. How many people were here at the last live one we did? Yeah? Oh, wow. The brand is growing. What that tells me is a lot of people that saw us last time didn't come back. And who listens? Does everyone here listen to the show?

Does anyone not listen that's come here? Oh, yeah. That's inspiring. One of the guests. The guy who's been visibly hating it in the front row so far. Who are these guys? I was actually looking up stats on our Facebook page the other day because there's a stat that can tell you where all the fans of the page

or whatever come from. And, you know, there's a lot of people from Melbourne, a lot of people from Sydney, a lot of people from America. Then we've got, like, one person from the Philippines, one person from Lebanon. But the cool thing is there's also two people from Thailand and two people from Hong Kong so I just I hope they're not actually mates they just one guy's walking down the street one day going hey dickhead hey man whatever and the other guy goes oh my god yes let's form the honkers dum-dum club but what that says to me is that the people

in Lebanon in the Philippines, it's just like they've gotten it and they've liked it, but they haven't told any of their friends. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do they hate it or are they just like, no, I don't want these guys to get too big and commercial. I don't want them to come and play the, you know, Lebanon entertainment arena or whatever it is.

Or that's their one thing they're listening to is their bunkers being bombed. Oh, what? Why does that get that reaction? I don't know. See you, mate. Hey, speaking of international listeners, I got an email here from Seattle. Bit of mailbag.

Oh, yeah, right. A guy saying, he's from Seattle, his name's Christopher. Your podcast has been instrumental in teaching me Australian slang. With the show and the use of Google, I have found not only many useful terms, but also heaps of interesting racial slurs. So thanks for that. As far as Tommy's voice is concerned, I have never been confused about his gender,

and I am on team allsop. But I'll have to admit that prior to looking you up online, I had happily imagined that you were a doppelganger duo of Simon Pegg and Nick Frost. So someone in that is getting a diss. Like one of us

is getting a bit of a diss. You know? That's up for you being, you know, thought of as a man. That's something. That's something new. On another note

I feel like we the fans brackets friends of the show have really been short changed in recent episodes, wherein we have not been blessed with Carl's signature, please correct this, thank you. I'll bring that back tonight.

Okay, good, good. And then he signs it off by saying, Christopher Peterson, friend of the show, brackets, yeah, I've just friend of the showed myself. What are you going to do about it? You like that? Yeah, I don't know. Hey, I've just friend of the showed myself. What are you going to do about it? You like that? Yeah, I don't know. Hey, I came...

Edit. And? I came here from my family Christmas barbecue, the Allsop family Christmas barbecue. I left it early to come here, which they were wrapped with. And it was good. Are you still allowed back in the Allsop barbecue, even though the...

Did you have to show ID to get in? They challenge you for bringing it up, like, the most to me. Like, they give you a run for your money. Oh, really? Yeah, because my cousin goes, yeah, so how do I find your show? Do I just look up, you know, whatever it is you bloody call yourself on Google and I'll find it?

That's good. But here's a weird thing right so we like dad has like three brothers so it's quite a big side of the family on dad's side and a lot of them have kids and their kids now have kids so like it's quite it's become quite big yeah so the last couple years we just do like a really casual barbecue in the park kind of thing where it's like everyone make a bit of food and bring your own stuff along so everyone does that like everyone brings like a big thing of sausage rolls and everyone shares them. My dad, I've just realised this today, every year for the last few years,

he will make a sandwich for himself, for me, and for mum, and nothing else. So everyone else brings out like, hey, here's 400 sausage rolls for everyone. Here's some dip and corn chips that I brought along. And dad just goes, here's my sandwich, here's your sandwich.

We sit there in the corner just eating just with the shame but then he also has the audacity. It's like a share house Christmas party. You just,

you just buy your own stuff and label it yourself. Hands off, cousins. But then, he has the audacity to still go and pick at the stuff that other people have bought.

Yeah, that's awful. Horrendous. No wonder you changed your name, I get it, yeah. Another thing that happened, my cousin went to the comics lounge during the week

and saw Eddie Ift. If you don't know him, a comedian from America who's here at the moment. And he loved him and he was telling me how much he loved him. And he goes, Oh, Eddie Ift, you know, he was great. He was so funny. He was so sharp.

He went into these good topics and kind of took a lot out of them and was really quick and really funny. Not like these Australian comedians that are so predictable and so piss weak and just really lame and just kept going i'm like have we met like do you this is like you're just slagging me he's like no no no but you know those australian comedians that do this and that and that i'm like yeah the things that i do that's good that's good thanks cuz and then the last thing that happened was uh i was eating my sandwich my one sandwich that no one else was allowed to touch.

And one of my cousin's kids was standing right near me. It was like this tall, like little kid, like five-year-old kid. Yeah. And I took a bite. Your twin. Yeah. I took, see that's, you've worn out their patience. That's, I took a bite out of my sandwich and like all the ingredients

came tumbling out of the bottom of it and landed on this kid's head. And that's the moment I thought, time for me to go and record a podcast, guys. So I got out while the getting was good. Yeah, while the getting was good. Should we cut to our man in the crowd? We can. Our roving reporter that you may have already heard

at the top of the show. He's somewhere out there in the crowd. Luke McGregor, where are you? I am... Rosette? Are you in Rosette? I'm about a metre from the stage. I told you to pretend we were doing a stadium gig.

Luke, what's the weather like down there? There's a slight delay in the satellite. But I'm just going to throw to all the people listening to you in Sydney. Can we hear a cheer, guys? They're all lined across the bridge and they are really enjoying this episode. Can you throw to the one guy in Lebanon? I was about to say a Lebanon name.

Samil? I didn't even bother. What am I doing? Well, we just lost our one listener. Thanks, McGregor. What do you want to hear? Can I just say I want that Lebanon guy to send us a message.

Yeah, yeah. Email us, Lebanon fan. Hey, What do you want to hear? Can I just say, I want that Lebanon guy to send us a message. Yeah, yeah. Email us, Lebanon fan. Hey, Luke, I want to bring this up. You and I went out drinking on Friday night with friend of the show, Geraldine Hickey. And I'm putting you on the spot here, but I would love to hear your account of this room of people, your effort in trying to pick up the bartender at the bar that we were at. Who was that? Well, there was a bartender at the bar that we were at. Oh, who was that? Well, there was

a bartender who was female, so I'm like yes. You're halfway home, agree? Now I've just got a silver deal. Just dot the I's and cross the T's. Anyone who's just listening now to the show. Hang on.

No one comes in halfway through a podcast. No, I just think if I don't know what I look like, I look really stupid. Otherwise they're going to think this guy is some sort of bragger. Anyway, so she was at the bar and I said, oh, I ordered two Melbourne bitters for a spot. And then said, do you think it's possible to look cool just to buy two long neck Melbourne bitters

and then just sit at a table by yourself and just drink them and then leave and just say, see you next Friday. Is it possible to be cool? No. No? And she said, I don't know why I'm telling this story. She said, don't you have any friends? And then I said,

no, they all died in the crash. You just became cool. Yeah. And then what did you, didn't you after that, you told me, you just said, oh, can we just finish the transaction?

Yeah. And then we had sex. I just love, I mean, I'm such a fan of like, they all died in the crash. You all know the crash, yeah? That one crash that happened. The great crash. I panicked.

All right, should we get stuck into it and start bringing on some guests? Luke McGregor, ladies and gentlemen. All right. Alright, should we get stuck into it and start bringing on some guests? Luke McGregor, ladies and gentlemen. Alright. So, we have got three very special guests for you this afternoon. And then we've got some sweet surprises for you at the end. So, please make some noise. Welcome your first guest.

He's been on before. He's one of our best mates. He is the harmony to our bone and thugs. Please welcome to the stage, Nick Cody. Here he is. Gold member of the show. Yeah. Platinum membership.

Welcome aboard, Nick Cody. How are you? What is this, your 18th appearance on the show? It is. It is, I think. Good, good. I don't have a trophy for you this time, though. A what? A trophy.

Oh, a trophy, yeah, yeah. So you're fresh back from Sydney. You did the Homebake Festival last night. Yep, definitely. I was on stage at Homebake doing the comedy tent there, which was pretty awesome. And I drank too much and then I had to do a gig at the comedy store in Sydney afterwards and I don't remember that so if anyone has photos or a police report that'd be fucking sweet now I rang you yesterday to remind you that you were doing this gig and I rang you I said oh

where are you you said I homebake uh uh gig I just did a gig and I went oh I had you going you went oh yeah I smashed I smashed the shit out of it and I went oh you did really badly and I went, oh, I had you go and you went, oh, yeah, I smashed it. I smashed the shit out of it. And I went, oh, you did really badly. And you went, no, no, no, I did really well. And I'm like, no, the only time you're allowed to say, yeah, I smashed a gig was when you've actually done a really bad gig. You know what I mean? You can only be sarcastic. You can only do a really bad gig and then go, yeah, I smashed that. Ha, ha, ha. That's the joke. If you just say, if you just say I smashed a gig, you're just an asshole now. Yep. If it helps, I don't remember talking to you on the phone.

That says so much about you, Carl, that in your head, the only way that someone can be positive is when they're being negative. To be fair, though, you're making fun of the guy before. Smaxy? Smaxy? Yeah. Smaxy. I used to play junior AFL footy, and I'm 5'11", probably 86 kilos now,

and I was that size when I was 14, which is why I don't play footy anymore because everyone just became massive. But my nickname was Crusher, and I actually got a hat made up with Crush and my number on there, along with a white gold bracelet that said Crush, and the S was a dollar sign.

So, hang on, was this like under-14s football or something? Yeah. Was this Auskick? Yeah. Just stiff-arming kids at the G at half-time. Man, that is disgusting. Have you still got it? Yeah, I do.

You're still wearing your championship rings from the Auskick Grand Finals as well, which is pretty pathetic. I wish I was drunk, so I had an excuse then, but apparently just a fuckhead. Hey, McGregor, did you have a nickname at school? Well, Cody lets me borrow his crushing necklace whenever I get a night job. So, Cody, last time we had you on, you had just done some gigs on cruise ships.

And I understand you just did a big mining tour. Yeah, backed it up with a mine trip. You know, doing all the big comedy stages. Like following the footsteps of the true greats. It was crazy. Don't go to Outback WA ever. It's a shithole. It is a total shithole.

And I was there for five weeks and it was just crowds. See how you guys can listen? You already win. You already win. You beat them. There's some guy that's got soot on his face and you walk up and you've got a pure blonde and he's like Nice beer, faggot!

They just can't help themselves ever. And there was a chick Do they use the term soot over there so it sounds like such a quaint term I would have thought if you use the word soot over there you would have got pillowed you know when they yeah put the pillow over your face as you sleep and you die that's how little I know you know the mining world you know we all understand that term the chimney sweep on the mine side very hard hard job, very hard job.

But I met a girl over there who came up to me and she goes, you're really from fucking Melbourne? And I said, yeah. And she goes, no, you're not. And I go, yeah, I am. She goes, where did you fucking grow up? And I said, the Western suburbs. And I said, oh, what, are you from Melbourne?

And she goes, yeah. And I expected Western suburbs or like Frankston. And I said, what part what, are you from Melbourne? And she goes, yeah. And I expected western suburbs or like Frankston. And I said, what part did you grow up in? And she goes, fucking Camberwell. Yeah, that's Geoffrey Rush's daughter, isn't it? I said, there's no way you grew up in Camberwell. And she goes, what do you fucking mean? And I said, because you wouldn't talk like that.

And she paused for a few seconds, got really close to my face and said, oh, can I use my real voice around you? Apparently, if you enunciate words probably in the mind,

it's like, fuck it, fuck it! Like, they just can't. Yeah, and then she probably said, soot. So, I don't know if anyone here, how many people are on Twitter, and of those people, how many people follow Nick Cody, but I think it would be remiss of me to not ask how your balls are going,

because that's been the dominant theme on your Twitter feed this week. Yeah, yeah. Talk us through it. Well, we all know, guys, you know, you have a wank and blood comes out. You know that. You're like, it's having a... Oh, my God.

Everyone, everyone. And this is our first guest. Jesus Christ. I can't wait to hear this on Barry for the four words of mine that are going to get through in there.

Mine, soot, that's it. Yeah, but I had to go and get my balls scanned and they found calcium in there, which apparently is weird. Depends where you've been sticking your toothbrush, eh? Are you with me? But, yeah, that was my week, getting my balls scanned.

So what does that mean? What does having calcium mean? Well, apparently you can get calcium deposits anywhere. Can you get plaque in your balls as well? Can you floss your balls? I don't know. I've never been so embarrassed. I was just trying to talk my way throughout the entire thing.

There's just a lady with like a weird cold gel. That was my excuse. It was a very, very cold gel that she was using down there. And I just had to sit there for ages and she's like, what do you do? And I'm like, stand up comedy! Stick toothbrushes up me dick.

So was it the full, like the ultrasound machine? Yeah. You know, someone having a baby or whatever. And they take photos of it, and every time they take a photo, it's like, like it makes a scanning, like a check-out scanning noise. And so I'd hear like, and then... Price check on Toadies right now. My balls would be at NQR,r though they wouldn't be at a proper just some calcium in there same as any other ones

but uh i said oh what are you saying and he goes no you've got you you seem to have normal testes and she actually said testes and then i had to go out and the lady at the desk said, what were you here for? And I said, an ultrasound. And she said, and I said, on my testy. And then I started laughing like a child. I couldn't stop giggling at the desk. That doesn't sound like a real word, does it? It sounds like a nickname. Testies.

Testies, ha ha. No, that's correct. I'm disappointed now. But apparently it's fine. It's all good. So you're all fine? Oh, they said I should go to a urologist, but no, I'm not going.

It's fine apart from the problems I have that I'm ignoring. Yeah. I'm fine slash I've been told to go to a second doctor. No, no, no. So I got the results back, and the doctor said, oh, mate, it's fine. It's just a calcium deposit.

Like, you've got nothing to worry about, but I've referred you to a urologist, and I said, but you've got nothing to worry about um but i've referred you to a urologist and i said but i've got nothing to worry about and he goes nah and i said cool and it the doctor knows me quite well he goes you're not going to go to the urologist no so hopefully it doesn't grow just uh an apple apple a day maybe down there and and floss i've got to remember to floss. I like the hidden Easter egg in there. The cock doctor knows me quite well.

The cock doctor. We're old mates. Couldn't slip that by, could I? He's coming around for Christmas. What sort of magazines do they have in the cock doctor's waiting room? Well, this was the thing. I got annoyed because I thought I was going to have to give a semen sample.

You'd be annoyed if you didn't have to give one, I think. I was all pumped because I've been practicing for that since I was like 13. So many dentists have knocked you back from giving you... Yeah, but I didn't have to. So that was the most upsetting part about the day, actually, that I didn't have to wank at the doctors. I think you also said before earlier in the story, you're like, oh, she's doing this, and I was embarrassed by it, but then like six seconds later you're on Twitter going,

I got blood in me semen, what's going on with me balls? Well, that's what she said. She goes, you're a comedian, am I going to hear this story at the Melbourne Comedy Festival next year? And I said, well, if you follow me on Twitter, you're going to hear about it in about three minutes. At the Nick Cody and his Medicare card. Welcome to Nick Cody.

Nick Cody. That's the most effective way of getting followers for you, is it, Nick? Just getting horrible things wrong with your genitalia and then going, follow me to find out how this turns out. All right, should we move it along? Sure. Cool. Our second guest, you know him, he's been on the show before.

He's an absolute Australian comedy legend. Please welcome the one and only Greg Fleet. Yay! Fleety. The Fleet Man. The Fleet Man is rocking the very strange microphone that looks like a Smurf stick. It does.

And that was very weird. I walked on and you all had your fists in the air like we've got a weird clan meeting. Fleety, here he comes. He's a really funny guy and he hates black people. How are you doing there, Fleet? You're also rocking, not to get too into the visual humour, but you're rocking double shirts.

Just triple shirts. That's, yeah, one, two, three shirts. Because I thought, what could I do? What special thing could I do? Could I maybe bring some money to donate to the show? No, fuck that, I'll wear two shirts. Could I do something that the listeners of a podcast would appreciate? Whoa, like that.

Yeah, that would be good. Could I do something visual that makes the microphone not work? No, way back. Cool. So, Freddie, you made it here. I mean, this will be something thrilling for the listeners. This man, you almost didn't make it here. You were almost, you were late.

Don't look at me like I'm making stuff up. What the fuck is he talking about? I mean, you have four hours waiting for it to start. You've been sitting here for four hours putting shirts on. Why is it making that weird boing, boing noise? No, that's you saying boing. Oh, right. I've been pulling a boing.

Yeah, no, I was in... I've been in Darwin for a week. That was pretty cool. Is that why you nearly didn't make it here today? Yeah, yeah, because I was in Darwin. I had to ride a bike back here. But, no, I was just... Yeah, I had another thing on today

and I managed to cancel that to come here because I care about you far more than I care about my... Hang on a minute, you cancelled what you were doing? You told me that you were babysitting so somewhere there's infants unguarded. It was my mum's funeral but... Well, I thought about it

and I thought, she's not going to care. Yeah, so I managed to do both but it's good and it's nice to be here at Le Dum Dum Club. Let's go and get to our one fan in France. Yeah, I want to know about the guy in... Where was the other guy?

There was a guy from a war zone, wasn't there? The guy from Lebanon. Yeah, the guy from Lebanon. Because dum-dum is a type of bullet. Ah. A dum-dum is a hollow point bullet. One that if you shoot someone with it, it goes in about the size of a bullet

and comes out about the size of three people. Right. It's, yeah. So he's downloading the show thinking it's ammunition. Yeah, yeah. Or at least just... Chucking his iPod at people. Yeah.

Just a podcast about ammo. Maybe we should do a special all-ammunition episode just for him. Just to try and double our Lebanon listeners. Yeah, exactly. Get a few weapons experts in. Who else do you have on the list? We have people from other countries. Yeah.

One from Philippines, one from Lebanon, one from Italy, one from Finland. Nice. I think Fleady can be shared from every one of those countries. It sounds like they're all asking for money. Aren't they all countries that are going broke at the moment? Free entertainment. That's why they're here, Fleady.

Free podcast. So how was Darwin, Fleddy? It was fantastic. I really love working up there. It's great. I really like Darwin. It's a pretty cool place. Did a couple of gigs. For the most part it was good. Couple of weird people, but for the most part, alright.

Yeah, it is a bit of a strange place, but the gig's good. The weather's nice. I was in a nice hotel. Two shirts weather or one shirt? I don't know. You probably can't tell, but I'm like so fucking sunburnt, it is not funny. I am like Mr. Fucking Lobster Boy underneath the multi-shirts.

But, yeah, there was some... You get this thing as a comic sometimes. When you meet people and they know you're a comedian, what they do is they think because you're a comedian that you're going to hang shit on them and embarrass them, right? So they go, oh, right, this is going to happen. So instead, they just fucking humiliate you straight away. So you meet someone and they just go,

oh, good, how are you? You're fatter than you sound on the radio. Gee, how's your buck teeth going, fat soju? You know, oh, yeah, you're single, aren't you? I wouldn't be fucking surprised. You're pretty ugly. Put another shirt on, fleety. Yeah, yeah.

It's just so weird the way people do that. And that happened to me a couple of times. This one woman said to me, it was weird, she started asking me about prostitutes. And I said, hey, actually, I've never really been a big fan of prostitutes. And she went, well, know you know i said actually i don't i've never really been a big fan of prostitutes and she went well i've never really been fed of yours and i went i went hang on i am a comedian does that mean you are and she went yeah prostitute and stormed off

i love that that fleety it's like yeah yeah, I had a great time in Darwin. I got sunburned and abused. I can't wait for more gigs. Sunburned and abused by a prostitute. I do think, I'm going to clang it up, I was on The Circle a week ago. And like, you know when people come up and tell you... So were we. Yeah, yeah, so were we. These guys are in the audience, yeah.

Were you one of the co-hosts on The Circle? Oh, no, I did like a desk chat or a couch chat thing. Oh, that's good. What about? You're so surprised because you're thinking I'm so incompetent I couldn't have got on there. No, I just figured you must have had something to sell because they wouldn't have had you on there just like they would with me

just because I'm great. Yeah, yeah. I remembered you had a book to sell that had quotes of mine in it so that makes sense. Yeah. And you helped me design a new arbor. But they go through with you to say like a pre-interview to say

this is what we're going to talk about and they said one of the things was we're going to give you some of they said, one of the things was, oh, we're going to give you some of our jokes and see if you can workshop them and stuff like that. And I'm like, oh, okay. So what are the jokes, just so I know? And she goes, oh, it's just an old one. You probably know this one.

What's brown and sticky? And I went, oh, yeah. And she goes, yeah, a branch. Well, here's my advice on that one. Get it right. That's about the easiest one you could have gotten right, and you did. But a good workshopping job for you.

Hey, how much swearing are you allowed to do on the podcast? We try not to do heaps, but you can... No, the fleet's going to unleash. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There is just... I heard probably the funniest joke I've ever heard in my life the other day, but it does involve the C word. Is it better not to do it?

Oh, we can do it. Okay, okay. Who wants to hear the Fleetman drop the C bomb? Round of applause for the C bomb. And now you all have to buy T-shirts. I think that's going to, yeah. The C bomb's going to have to be our next T-shirt. There was a roast in America for Joan Rivers, right?

Joan Rivers is famous for just ripping into people, right? So when they have these roasts in America, they don't hold back. They're really full on about it, right? So all the comics were like, oh my God, how exciting. We finally get to hang shit on Joan Rivers and she has to actually just listen, you know, and take it.

And it's all done in, you know, they mean well and they're all friends and everything. But the comics had a side bet going, aside from just hanging shit on Joan Rivers, to see who could do the best joke that started with, Joan Rivers' cunt is so old that blah blah blah blah blah, right? And the person

who won, and I think this is one of the funniest jokes I've ever heard in my life, went Joan Rivers' cunt is so old that it has a separate entrance for blacks. that it has a separate entrance for blacks. How great is that joke? It's so great on so many levels. We just lost our one Philippines listener.

Are you going to do that next time you're on The Circle? Oh, yeah. Because they said to me when I did The Circle, when I did The Circle, second i said can you help us with this joke um they said uh joan rivers is so old that it's old oh no it doesn't need help that's just a bomb that's bang that's right there i like that you were concerned when you came out here like people were pumping their fists like it was a clan rally and then you've just completely justified that with that disgusting racial here that's not a race oh don't worry but you don't even understand for a man who goes on about bok choys that's just uh can we tell people

about you you've already heard the bok choy thing that is i don't think we have we talked about on the show maybe we haven't we have we did we did a gig together you're actually better at telling it than me so you should tell the story. We did a gig. I'm trying to work out how to tell it so as not to offend the person who organised

the gig. Just say a person. Okay, we did a gig with this guy and he was on stage being kind of offensive. Me and Fleety had pretty,

we had good gigs. Yeah, he was being offensive and don't think he's just racist it was to everyone yeah yeah you can say my name guys it was i think it was like around the time it was a testicle fundraiser i think obama had like just gotten in so he was like going oh you know they've got a black president in america now that'd be like if we had a wog prime minister wouldn't it you know you can imagine what that'd be like.

He'd be getting up going, free souvlakis for everyone. Oh, sorry, Con's calling me. Oh, no, Malacca, I'm doing the... I'm doing the address to the nation. Just stuff like that, right? It was horrendous. And most of the audience were his friends,

so the worst thing was they're all laughing their heads off and we're just going... Yeah. So then... So the start of the... At the end of the second bracket, he was doing a song. He was doing a parody of Nickelback's This Is How You Remind Me. It was about drug dealers, and he changed it to This Is How You Supply Me.

Yeah. And what happened is. Cutting edge, cutting edge. I've seen what he's done there. Yeah. As he was doing it, something happened with, like, the ventilation system in the room. Like, something happened, and this stench, like this rotten egg stench like a rotten egg stench came through the air conditioning vents and so it was just because he can't really play guitar very well so he's sort of butchering this

song and then as he's doing this people are getting up and walking in the room going oh so people sort of stormed out and then so but then when they go to a break and they fix up the smell like they work out what the problem is with the air conditioner they drag the dead body out of the air con it was at Room Nightclub

in Hawthorne if anyone knows that joint so they come back from the second bracket and he gets on and he goes

yeah sorry about before the air conditioner backed up jeez it was smelly in here wasn't it you know what it smelled like it smelled like one of those

bok choy farts an Asian bok choy fart an Asian bok choy fart you know when you do a fart when you've had too smelled like? It smelled like one of those bok choy farts. An Asian bok choy fart. You know when you do a fart when you've had too much Asian food and you smell one of those smelly bok choy farts and just went on about it and then... Or when you just walk into an Asian restaurant and you can tell all them Asians

have been doing them Asian bok choy farts. Yeah, so me and Fleet are on sort of opposite sides of the room and as I'm thinking, I should really go and see if Fleetie's on board with what's happening right now. As I turn, Fleet just comes at me like a sonic boom and he's just in my ear going, are you getting this?

There was only one person in the room I could talk to about it. Everyone else is going, wow, cutting edge, really cool. I'm behind Tommy just going, is it illegal to murder someone for just being shit? But didn't that guy, the guy who runs that gig, didn't his dad had a crack at you, didn't he?

He did indeed. I was walking down the street one day and there was a guy selling the Big Issue and I walked past and I didn't buy Big Issue but he said, my son knows you. And I went, really? He said, yeah, my son's a comic. And I went, oh, right.

He said, yeah, he's this comic, and he explained who it was. And I went, oh, my God, it's the bok choy guy. And I'm going, right. And he said, yeah, sometimes I don't necessarily agree with a lot of the stuff that he does, but, you know, good on him. And I said, yeah, you know,

some of what he does is, you know, it's a little bit, you know, a little bit wrong. And he went, what? Who the fuck are you to tell me my son? And suddenly I went, that's why you're selling the big issue. Yeah. You are struggling when the guy selling the big issue is distancing himself from you.

Exactly. It was harsh. But no, look, yeah, it's good. And I must say, it's, congratulations. Is this like a certain number of shows for you guys? This is episode 62, I think. That is a number. Yeah.

So you're correct, it is a number, yeah. Seven more, get it? Seven more shows, hey? Hey? Seven more, hey? Yeah. People like that. How on board with that our listeners were

almost made me not want to do this show anymore. That was too... I wish we'd stopped recording again. Here I am going, oh, these idiots who are getting into this disgusting bok choy. 69, way! No, I'm kidding. Good on you. It's just two guys. It's not even the whole room.

Two big fans of the old Dinner for Two. We don't like the... Oh, Dinner for Two? I've never heard that haven't you no down to their level um i'm gonna bust this out i had this in case of emergency because this morning this is an emergency no no no no no well just to clear up from the racist and just to leave something in the editor yeah yeah you can stay on the podcast um uh i was working out what had been happening lately for me this morning. I was going over my stuff.

And my girlfriend, who's here tonight, she said, well, here's an idea. Here's what you can talk about. Here's a joke. Uh-oh. She just had a look on her face like, oh, fuck, when you said that, by the way. Here's a joke that you can talk about. Soft toilet seats. I don't know what that is.

Is this a topic for discussion? Yeah, soft toilet seats. And I said, okay, what are you talking about? She goes, you know, soft toilet seats. I'm like, I don't know what that is at all. And then she said, you know, like from the toilet shop. I mean, the toilet, is that a thing? It just sounds like you're in grade five and you're insulting someone.

Go back to the toilet shop where you came from. I don't actually get it. What is a goffed toilet seat? What did she say? What did she say it was? Soft. Oh, soft toilets! Oh, my God!

That is fantastic! You have played me very nicely. Oh, no! You said goffed, which makes no sense. That's it, oh, God. I want to marry her. Oh, Greg Fleet, everybody. All right, guys, we've got one more guest for you today.

We're very glad she could join us. You know her from All Saints. You know her from Winners and Losers. Please welcome Virginia Gay. Yay! Howdy, howdy, howdy. Hello. Thank you very much for joining us, Virginia.

Thank you for having me, boys. Thank goodness someone here to class it up. Oh, shit. Okay. I'm really excited because I do a lot of commercial radio and a lot of commercial television, obviously. And you're never allowed to... Sorry, what?

I said clang, never mind. Clang. You're name-dropping nouns, you know. Noun-dropping. And you guys are better than all of them. But you just... Because when you do commercial radio, you can't swear. You can't do anything, right?

So that's the only thing we're doing good, is that what you're saying? The C-bomb. Yeah, yeah, totally. You can't swear. You can't do anything, right? So that's the only thing we're doing good. Is that what you're saying? But it's fucking brilliant for me because I've got a fucking filthy mouth. Jesus Christ. And I have to spend all my time being so fucking nice. I'm doing it on Wednesday. I'm doing commercial radio on Wednesday morning for the first time since I got sacked many years ago

by the same network. Really? really yeah they think maybe somehow I've changed what why did you get stuck flutie combination of drugs language bad language in the heroin hobby and a heroin hobby. Story of my life, mate. I've managed to give up the hobby, but the language is just way worse. That's the hardest thing to kick, isn't it? If anybody up at the back can't hear this,

if anybody up at the back can't hear it, just a bottle of cider with ice. Okay. Anyway. So, Virginia, you're very new to the Dum Dum Club. What are your first impressions of us, apart from that we swear a lot? Just manly, manly men.

Yeah. With tremendous brains and tremendous cocks, really. That's how I hope we all remember the Dum Dum Club. And what about shitty balls? Hard rocks of calcium balls. Calcium. Yeah, like heavy ping calcium balls. Calcium. Yeah, like heavy ping pong balls, just frighteningly filled with calcium, but lovely cops.

Calc-nut. Calc-nut. Calc-nut. This is the way that we book guests for this gig, but we saw you at Harvest Festival a couple of weeks ago, just hanging out looking like you didn't have much to do in general, and we thought, well, you come and talk to us. Yeah, great, That's awesome. When you're doing it.

When I don't work. When you're doing a gig there. I was. I was hosting there. And I hate hosting at the best of times. I'm terrible at it. And I just, I'm not good at the linking stuff, which is kind of what a host is, you know?

I'm great at the standing and doing a thing and then getting off and then making somebody else do the linking stuff. But hosting at a festival is just the worst because as soon as you come on stage, everybody in the crowd goes, oh, finally, a chance to go. And you go, my ego! Oh, God!

Absolutely true. It's like a series of break-ups. Like, each time you get on, oh, go the cider! Thanks, nice lady. That's very nice of you. For the listeners at home, G Fleet just had a glass of cider. Brought to you. I go through all of the things that you do in a breakup as people are leaving.

So I got really wheedling in the beginning. I was like, where are you going? Why are you going? Huh? Why not stay? Why not stay? I'm fun. I'm fun.

Why don't we go have some dinner? And then that didn't work and I was like, just sit down. Come on. Sit down, baby. Let's talk it out. Sit down. And then by the end, just really, I was like, why are you fucking moving? Stop moving. Did you say I could change? I can change. I can be funnier.

I can morph into Greg Fleet. Will that help? No, no, that won't help. You were telling me before the show that you get some pretty amazing fan correspondence, which we love hearing about on the show. Oh, really? I get some very special fan correspondence. Any from Lebanon?

Not yet, but... You will. Yeah. Lebanon? Not yet, but... You will. Yeah. We, there's a, I have a pseudonym on Facebook and I was once foolish enough to have my actual name on Facebook and I had to stop that eventually because I got, I got a woman who wrote to

me and the first letter went, hey Virginia, we love you, I love you so much in all things, I would just really like you to be my friend and I didn't write back which was perhaps my first mistake Bad friend. Yeah, bad friend and I just went, oh I just don't have fans so I'll just be quiet and then I got one back that said, hey

Yeah, yeah, it's coming Hey the I was just, you know, you haven't written back. It's been a week. Maybe you'd want to be my friend now. Much love. And I didn't respond.

And the third one was, you bitch. You, she listed a series of things. She, oh God, how did it go? It went, the end of it basically went, you're fat, you're a bitch, you were right not to win, it takes two, and I hope you get mugged again. Nice, really nice. But the best thing was that she then went, Gabby, she signed up, or whatever her name was, Gabby, and then it went bracket.

Hang on, whatever her name was, you don't remember someone threatening you? Well, the police remember, obviously. I gave them the details. But then it went her name and then just afterwards it went, P.S. I still really loved you on All Saints. Really, honey? Yeah.

No matter how much of a bitch you are, you can never undo The good of all saints You should read out her full name So we can all try and add her And be her friend Yeah if a nurse mugs you on TV She'll be right back She'll be

I had an affair With someone from all saints You had an affair With someone from all saints? Yep Was it me? Were we drinking? I think so

Oh my god No it was It was somebody called Natalie Oh This is actually Now getting quite specific because I think... Yeah, you probably know who she is. Put it this way, I'm not the only person she's had an affair with.

Lady. What? What? Well, I'm not... You know, anyone who's had an affair with me could say the same thing. These microphones are recording. You realise that, don't you? You have actually pressed the record button now.

No. Like a Dolly's tea time. She's a fantastic person. These microphones are recording. You realise that? You have actually pressed the record button. She's a fantastic person. I reckon I can go out on a limb and say she's slept with more than one person. I mean, so have I. Oh, you haven't. No, she was great fun. Did she do medical dialogue the whole time?

Oh, yeah. That's what... There's some sort of constriction in the blood flow. I'm going to have to relieve the pressure. Well, she didn't even want to see me until I actually saw her coming in, walked out in front of a car, got hit, and then she just was all over me. Very interesting she's kicked in.

I do like the phrasing in the message that that woman sent you. You were right to not win. It takes two. It was your decision. I'm going to throw it. I've got to deal with some bookies going on. I don't want that kind of celebrity status. I don't want all that money. Would you get

to keep the money? No. I think that was why I did not win. People did not know what I was raising money for. Oh, who's the French dude? I don't know who he is. It's just numbers to me. Bonjour, monsieur.

Ça va? Just one person. I always thought Médecins Sans Frontières were a hair replacement company in France. Médecins Sans Frontières. I could use that. That was possibly the third worst joke I've ever done. And you still slept with a fake nurse.

Congratulations. What do you mean fake? Virginia, we did pretty intensive research on this show. So I was on your Wikipedia. There was a bit about your role on All Saints. It said you auditioned for one role and didn't get it and then it said they wrote the role that you did for you and then at the end of that sentence they wrote that role for her much to the surprise

of her and her family, brackets, citation needed. So that's like someone's just taken a guess but they haven't actually called your family to go, were you surprised when they wrote that role for her? That's surreal. Maybe that was written by that same bitch Gabby. I was fucking surprised. The role that you didn't get, did you audition to sleep with Fleety? Yeah, I did.

No, you don't have to audition for that. Especially not you. Thanks, baby. Because I really thought I smashed the audition. Been shouting that. One thing that happens on this show a lot is our listeners sneak references of us into people's Wikipedia pages or vandalise people's Wikipedia pages. Is there anything you would like on your page that you want to kickstart here? I raise baby dragons.

That's cool. Yeah, yeah, good. Really good. This is happening here this evening. Was that the mother? Was this, did you say Mrs. Fleet? Where? What?

Jenny Fleet? What? Jenny Fleet? What? What? What happened there? Oh, God. Oh, with the person who gave you cider.

Did somebody say Jenny Fleet? Oh, no, no, no. No, that was the lady that works here. Oh, I'm sorry. Is your name actual Fleet? Oh, G Fleet. Yeah, lady that works here. Oh, I'm sorry. Is your name actual Fleet? Oh, G-Fleet. Yeah, he said G-Fleet. Oh, I'm so confused. Sometimes we abbreviate words.

It's always good to make a call back to something he whispered 25 minutes ago. I'll tell you what though, being in Australia... You're a terrible host at this stage by the way. Everyone's leaving right now. Being in Australian drama shows can be beneficial. I had been in...

I was in Neighbours, right? Who'd you find? I killed someone... I bounce at everyone. But I killed someone in Neighbours, right, years ago. I killed one of the main characters. Daphne. You can use her name.

Daphne. People remember her. I then went over to Edinburgh. I was in Edinburgh, hanging out, doing what I do. And at that stage, as I mentioned earlier, I had some very unhealthy habits. And I used to have to go, because of train spotting, they cleaned up the drug scene in Edinburgh.

So it was really hard to get drugs. But the drug addicts there told me to go to Glasgow, which I did every day on a train. It took an hour there, an hour back. And I'm up there one day, and in this horrible, depressing housing estate, like nothing I'd ever seen. I've been in a war zone, and this is absolutely true.

It was more scary in this place. It was like third or fourth generation unemployment, drug addiction, housing estate. No hope. Absolutely, really, these people had no hope in life. It was a really sad place. But I'm there doing my thing. I end up down an alleyway with these guys who were going to sell me drugs.

And suddenly there's eight or nine of them, and they have knives out. And they're going to cut me up. And they're not going to stab me. They're going to cut my face up, right? And I'm, like, freaking out. And I'm thinking, this is actually going to happen to me. And then at the last minute, the one guy, the main guy, they knew I was Australian. The main guy goes, hey, are you for neighbors?

And I went, I wasn't sure. Honestly, for a second, if I say yes, he could either get me killed or save me, right? In Australia, it would get me killed. I said yes, and he went, and then he called over another guy in the gang who was obviously the neighbor's expert, who quizzed me a bit and went, hey is he's from Nevis and there's something like oh big man get this man some heroin oh thank god they got me this really really strong heroin

otherwise it could have been quite dangerous but being in neighbors actually saved my life and then you had to do your radio shift straight afterwards. You're saying you're in the shittest place on the planet and you still had to buy drugs in the alleyway? Yeah, there's only one alleyway, but, you know, a well-used one. Virginia, have you ever been recognised from Winners and Losers when you're buying meth? Have you got a tie on the back there? Yeah, usually because my face is so covered in scabs

trying to get the thing out. Yeah, the Channel 7 face is so covered in scabs trying to get the thing. Yeah, the Channel 7 makeup department do a sterling job of patching you up. Aren't they lovely? They keep employing me. They keep writing roles for me. Much to the surprise of my family. I need citation on that.

Thank you. Citation. It takes two grams. That's the title of my autobiography. It's just a picture of me like this on it Visual humour for podcast Ladies and gentlemen, Virginia Gaye Alright guys

A bit of awkward set up here for one second We've got a musical guest for you today These guys have been on the show before They are very good friends of ours. Are they going to play two songs? Two songs? I believe so, yeah. I believe so. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back onto the program Doody and Jase from Anyone For Tennis. That's good. Oh yeah. Hey, how you doing? Yeah, hello. Thanks a lot for having us. I just want to start off with a song.

Yeah, it's kind of about growing up, because we're both sort of at that age where we're sort of growing up, becoming an adult, but we're finding it really tough. You'll get there, Tommy. You'll get there. Yeah. Yeah. So this song is... Thursday, it should have come last Thursday

So when she said it didn't come I was worried things went wrong But Friday, nothing did eventuate, and that was the beginning of my escalating stress. Stress. Saturday, I stayed awake till Tuesday, petrified and crawled up on the floor, crying like never before and then this morning the terror was appalling the horror and the pain then finally it came that time of the month is wonderful it's a feminine eruption, so beautiful. That time of the month is so sublime. It's a gift of precious rubies from a deep pelvic mine. I love that time of the month. Yeah, yeah.

time of the month. Yeah, yeah. Whoa. To all my brothers out there who know these feelings I share, let me hear you say hell yeah. Alright.

To all my sisters around, you know how these things go down. Maybe it's happening right now. That time of the month is so so sweet. It's a crimson

train out the tunnel of relief. That time of the month is such a rush. It's a carmine rose from the valley of Vancouver. That time of the month. I don't like information on things like the duration,

the detonation, evacuation, synchronization or coagulation. But when there is salvation from a panty revelation, I've never been so stoked to hear about menstruation. It's so, so great. It's a scarlet invitation to the freedom soiree. That time of the month is so lovely. It's a maroon unicorn that's been set free. I love that time of the month.

It's so divine. It's an enormous magenta high five. That time of the month is so awesome. It's a magenta high five from a maroon unicorn. I love that time of the month. That time of the month. That time of the month. That time of the month. That time of the month That time of the month

That time of the month A game of Russian roulette Where we both win on red Thanks a lot. You're all right. Just for the listeners back home on that last phrase, Jay starts throwing red stuff out of his pockets. We decided to do that song just before this set.

Do you always have that red stuff in your pockets? It's ready to go. Do you want a conversation starter as well. We're going to leave you with a song. Something Tom and Carl asked us a couple of days ago, wasn't it? It was about two days ago. They said, can you do a little thing that's sort of

themed towards a little Dundon club? So we quickly realised we had to listen to at least one of them. And we went through the 62 episodes, 61 episodes, and we'd be invoicing you for this gig and three days of our life back. So I hope you enjoy. This could be shit.

Yeah, and lyrics, remembering lyrics is going to be a problem. Is that right? Let's just do this. If your catchphrase is hey mate and your surname is totally a fake name, if... Oh, so we didn't think they'd be laughed at. Okay, okay, OK. We're not prepared for this.

It's totally a fake name, yeah. If your voice is high-pitched and feminine and people think that you are an angry little lesbian, if you've talked to Sean McAuliffe but there was no proof for months, and if just your presence gives the impression that you are a 12 year old who hasn't grown up welcome to the club which club this club the little dum-dum club welcome to the club which club this club the little dum-dum club the little dum-dum club if your catchphrase is G'day Dickhead

And you use dickhead in every second sentence If you grew up in a town of weirdos And you for some reason assume that you're not one of those If everyone in the US thinks your name is Kyle And if you're insulting and an arsehole so often To the only co-worker that you've got Welcome to the club Which club?

This club The Little Dumb Dumb Club The Little Dumb Dumb Club Welcome to the club Which club? This club The Little Dumb Dumb Club The Little Dumb Dumb Club

If you're a friend of the show like Nick Cody Or Nick Cody Or Nick Cody If you're a listener of the show like Harley Breen Or Sunshine Johnson Or Sex Author If you've undermined the integrity of a global website That millions rely on

So the Jurassic Park now stars Kyle Chandler and Thomas Allsopp Welcome to the club This club The little dum-dum club The little dum-dum club If you filled up your undies with feces When you were extremely fucked up

Welcome to the club This club The little dum-dum club Is that a key change there? Yeah. Oh, sorry. Club, this club, this club the little dum-dum club. Welcome to the club which club this club, the little dum-dum

club. Okay, everybody, now we're going to get your help with this next bit. We want you to do the little dum-dum club bit, okay? So we're going to do which club, this club, and everyone shouts, the little dum-dum club. Okay, so everyone listening at home will uh really wish they were here okay let's make this good welcome to the club oh is that us which club oh yeah yeah welcome to the club which club this club little dumb dumb club oh this club is great welcome to the. Oh, this club is great. Welcome to the club. Which club?

This club. Ah, yes. See you later. See you later. Thanks a lot. Nice. Anyone for tennis? Oh, yes. Yay. Wow. Oh, man. Anyone for tennis?

Oh, yes! Yay! Wow. Oh, man. It is the best. Oh, man, I like that bit when I come off as a really shit bloke. That was a good bit. Guys, thank you so much.

They literally did pull that together just in a couple of days. I mean, we sent it to them two weeks ago, but they found the text message two days ago. Guys, that brings us to the end of the program. Thank you guys so much for coming down. Give a big couple of days. I mean, we sent it to them two weeks ago, but they only found the text message two days ago. Guys, that brings us to the end of the program. Thank you guys so much for coming down. Give a big round of applause. Nick Cody, Greg Fleet, Virginia Gay, man on the street, Luke McGregor, on sound, Mike Brown,

on merchandise, Diane. Oh yeah, Diane. Thanks very much, guys. We'll see you soon. See you, mate. See you, mate.