The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 63 - Bart Freebairn & Ben Lomas

Episode Date: December 14, 2011

Messages For Ben, Undercarriages and The Old West. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey mates, welcome into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. My name is Tommy Dasolo, sitting opposite me is my co-host Carl Chandler. G'day dickhead. How you going over there buddy? Yeah, I'm good. Better than me with no voice. Yeah, no, you're sounding great for a radio at the moment. I've written myself right off.

Hey, thanks everyone who joined us at our live episode last weekend. It was heaps of fun. I enjoyed it a lot. Yeah, it was awesome. Good turnout. We had a lot of fun. Plenty of listening friends

of the show. Yeah. We had a full house. It was lovely. Sold a few t-shirts. Yes, and if you are listening and you're not in Melbourne and you want one,

we're just working that out now. If you send us an email, littledumbdumbclub at gmail.com, we will send you one. We'll work that all out. We'll put up better pictures, I think. We better get ourselves a website or something. Yeah, one photo that's not you wearing sunglasses sprawled over the bonnet of your car.

Draped across my 1989 BMW 318i. Man, it is a sweet ride. What have you got for us up the top? Well, here's something that happened today. I got a bunch of mail. I moved out of a house probably 18 months ago, and at the start, you get that mail forwarded onto your new address, and that's pretty nice. To be honest, I quite like that, because I don't do the same.

I get stuff addressed to the previous occupant of my house, and I just bin it straight away, no matter how important it is. Yeah, same. Yeah, but my old housemate has forwarded it on which is nice of him yeah but um i hadn't got anything for a while and it's it's got beyond that point of um you know bothering to do it i think but then he's just sent like a bunch of them in a row yeah so i got like five in a row and they were like you know bank statements this and that um you know rsv sort of stuff and then there was one that had clearly been opened and tampered with and then taped back up. But it was the one that he'd done it to was my frequent flyer envelope.

So I was like, no, I don't want to know how much money he's got, but I do know if it's possible for him to get a free one way to Rockhampton. And what, had he done anything to it? No, no, no. He was just curious as to how many points. I'd like it if it was like 89,000 points and he's just crossed it out and written zero. And he's arranged for them to be funneled into his account. Yeah, because sometimes I open my mail as I'm traveling. So if I get in the shuttle bus on the way to the airport and I've opened up and I'm like,

oh, hang on, I can't catch this flight at all. Yeah, if you just turn up at the Qantas desk and you're like, one flight to Ayers Rock, thank you. I didn't want to catch a flight anyway. I just came out to play Daytona. So that's cool. Today on the program, we have two guests. One of them is joining us for the first time. He is a Melbourne-based stand-up comedian. He's sold out a bunch of seasons in the Melbourne Comedy Festival. Please welcome Ben Lomas. Thanks for joining us, buddy. G'day, dum-dums.

This is exciting. You are actually a friend of the show and you're also a fan of the show. You were telling us that you were listening to us on the toilet recently, which is what we deserve, I guess. No, but we were talking about it before that sometimes you listen to dum-dum and I was listening to it on the toilet. And then the weird thing about it was, as you do, Carl called to ask if I wanted to do a spot down at Felix and it was just a bit weird because I thought I was still listening to the podcast.

We often talk to you through the podcast. This has gotten really specific. Yeah, maybe you can do that at the end of the show. You can save money on your phone bill, Carl, if you just start shouting out, Danny McKinlaylay you want a gig stills orders next every week

from now on I will talk to Ben at some point that's a good recurring segment I'm going to be doing a shit though I won't use your

name there will be something out there no I like that as a regular segment messages for Ben messages for Ben I'm going to

stop listening well if your name is Ben and you listen you can just be nice you can pretend it's it would be like a boost you know when From now on, messages for Ben. I'm going to stop listening. Well, if your name is Ben and you listen, you can just be nice. You can pretend it's... It'd be like a boost, you know, when they do Name Day? You get like a free thing if it's your birthday. I'll ask you to do a gig, and if you don't turn up and someone else called Ben turns up, I'll have to put him on. So that's something for people to look at.

Please don't use the real name. There you go. That's great. Our second guest today, he's been on the show before. He's one of the hosts of the Something for the Drive Home podcast. Please welcome back into the Dumb Dumb Club, Bart Freebeck. Thanks, guys. I got hit up the other day by someone that works for Time Out magazine.

And they were doing a little thing about podcasts and what's good going around. And they said, oh, we're going to run something about you. And I'm like, oh, awesome. And they said, can you recommend any other podcasts? I got a message from, it was Minji Jezebel. And I said,

I don't think that was him. No, it was his name. That might not have been Tom. It was a man. Yeah, that's him. An Ethiopian man. You got him. Yeah, Minji.

Yeah. And they said, can you recommend any comedy podcasts? And I said, well, I really like something for the drive home, but I'm not sure if recommend is the right word for it. It's not good for kids. Well, we should say this is that-

If tourists are coming through Melbourne and going, oh, yeah, we've enjoyed the art center and the Yara and what, oh, why don't we hear some Melbourne based podcast? Landscape paintings. Yeah, I don't know. Well, we should say, because we say because we have quite a few American listeners now after doing the Earwolf Challenge and doing gigs there and

stuff and we've been getting quite a lot of messages from people saying that through our show they've gone on to other shows and your one comes up quite a lot.

Yes. The image of people in Arizona. We haven't really described why we're talking like this about Bart's podcast but there's language

involved. Yeah, it's got some rude words. It's a bit like if Salvador Dali had it on a podcast with Rodney Rude. It's really some of the big topics. We talk about Jesus and black people. It's big.

And you're always at a cafe, so you can hear the kitchen in the background. Yeah, and I like that you're so unable to do, because that's the thing, you and Cody always record it. It's you with friend of the show, Nick Cody. Yeah. It's always you guys at a bakery eating food. I love that you're so used to doing that when you podcast that you've had to come in here with a can of Pringles just to get yourself through it. And there's some extreme language.

I like the idea of you being arrested mid-podcast with a crumpet in your mouth going, No, no, come on, guys. I was just having a laugh. Let me finish me fucking tea. Here we go. Sorry, man. I didn't mean to swear. We should point out, it is worth pointing out because we have mentioned the language.

Last time you were on, you set the land speed record for language on the show. I was trying to break it today as well. So we've put you under special instruction. We've put the swearing blinkers on Bart today. I was then when I swore then it was in the character of me doing my own podcast. So I think I can get away with that. You were a breakout character. You broke out from the little dum-dum club.

You were like Mork on Laverne and Shirley. You got your own podcast. Yeah, man. Yeah, you should see me. I'm getting a movie deal soon with Kanye West. I do like the idea that anyone now who's been on this show that does a podcast is like a spinoff of the Little Dum Dum Club. We invented recorded voices, didn't we?

You're like the giant sound wang that all of the creation shoots out of. I'll allow that. Onto the chest of Melo. Melo will say. Oh, he said chest. I meant treasure chest, you bloody dirty bastards. You're watching yourself, yet you are sitting here wearing a trucker cap with the C-bomb emblazoned across it.

No, it hasn't got a... Like some kind of backwards Judah Friedlander type thing. Yeah, because I've been DJing a lot lot and I figure I should be wearing the hats. What does your hat say? It says something ridiculous. It says finger crocs, which I think is allowed. Is that allowed? Did you get that made yourself?

Because you are a fan of making, you've made stickers. Yeah, I made stickers. You made stickers with our heads on them. Yeah. I don't know if we mentioned that last episode. Well, I don't know. You guys did a photo shoot a little while ago and put it up on your Facebook page,

which you should like if you're listening because it's a beautiful page. And it was, I don't want to use the word that will get me in trouble, but there was elements to it that made me think they've been inside each other on a regular basis and have thought that it's okay.

And you were in a little, you were in a kid's playground. We were in a tunnel. And you're in a little, you're at a kid's playground. We were in a tunnel. And you're in a tunnel, a blue plastic tunnel. It had nothing to do with the human body. Yep. And you were looking, you were looking pleased with yourself. We were pretty happy.

You were looking happy. So I went and got those stickers made and I've been sticking them around Melbourne because they're funny. You've been giving them out to people. Last night there was a girl that showed me that she's keeping that in her wallet. Yeah. That's weird. You carpet bombed my street with them. Yeah, I did. I try to put

stickers around that people will notice that they'll just be going day to day and they'll see something and go, oh, I don't understand. Well, I will say this. I moved out of the house I was living in recently in Carlton about four weeks ago. When I moved out, I was trying to clean up my room and I found on the back of my door,

there's one of the names stuck up at a house party that I had and I can't get it to come off. What does the sticker say, Tommy? What does it say? One of your early stickers. What does it say, buddy? Hey, Tommy, what does the sticker say? There's more classic free-bind happening here.

History demands that you say what the sticker says. It says LOLFAG. Oh, you spelt it out so dogs don't know what the sticker says. It says LOLFAG. Oh, you spelt it out so dogs don't know what's going on. Dogs right now are like, I don't understand. I'm not excited at all. But now I'm just worried that I'm going to get a call from my old housemates saying, hey, we've decided we're not going to give you your bit of the bond back because it will not come off.

If they don't give you your bond, give me a call and I'll take the bond out of them in other ways with my fists. I'll go around there and go, how dare you treat little Tommy like that? Now it's time for fist punt. Fist punt. Fist punt. This is really weird having Bart with like a handbrake on him.

He's gone to say certain words and turned them into new words. You know what? The listener can't see me. You know what? The listener will not be able to tell us, but he's sweating profusely right now. He's shaking. He's got a thesaurus out. I've got a very damp undercarriage.

It's very moist. The old undercarriage. Well, this is all right. See, this is good for you because, you know, you could say any kind of gross word. Undercarriage is just a funnier word. Yeah, it's a better word. It's a good word.

My mum enjoys that word a lot more than the words that you usually use. That makes me think of people going, you know, swear words are great, but you can use other words that are a lot more creative. Yeah, but it's not funny or clever. You get the point across and you don't have to be rude. And at that point, I want to say a word. There's a time and a place. Yeah.

I want to be like, yeah, how about I punch you to death? Superman is really battling here with his kryptonite. But you see this as a training and then maybe in 15 years you can do a corporate. Yeah. Or talk to normal people. Yeah. Normal people are...

There we go. That's what I think about you guys. Anyway, I was at home... Now I just censored myself. Here's a challenge for you, Ben Lomas, to get 15 words in tonight, in this episode. It's so hard, because every time I get in I'm like oh we've changed topics again okay yep no cool

I've got a story nah fuck we lost it oh I've got something to say about laser claws no you don't Ben

it's like oh you're doing the dum dum club with Bart Freeman fuck oh oh no I'm not alone

you said 13 words and one of them is a swear word yeah we tried Bart is now the good one of them is a swear word. Bart is now the good one. It's got a higher ratio than me. I knew we should have gotten two Barts in here instead of Bart.

Get in the naughty corner, Lomas. I'm going to come over there and put things in your mouth. Hey, Ben, just as by way of introducing you to our listeners, I thought we could do this. I thought we could talk about the way you and I essentially became friends. I think we'd met the gig that we did together a few years ago that kind of really bonded us in a way.

You're looking at me like I've invented every word in that sentence. You're looking at Tommy like he's Bart. Why is there a banana talking to me? We did a gig in what, in Emerald? In Emerald, yeah, which is in... Three, four years ago? Yeah, in country Victoria.

It's about... How long was the drive? It's about a two-hour drive out. Two hours drive there, eight hours back. Yeah, exactly. Well, yeah, that's exactly it, because for the listeners who don't know, there is a comedian based out that way who organes gigs out in that area. And it's often, you know, they're in sort of small centres, so there's not a lot of

money in it. But you do it for the road trip. You do it for the fun. Yeah. You do it to get, well, correct me if I'm wrong, but I think it was a fundraiser for the actual theatre that we were in. That's right. That's right, yeah.

And with all the 10 people who rocked up, I reckon they were able to paint one of the walls. Yeah, yeah. I paint one of the walls. Yeah, yeah. I did one of his fundraisers and it was like, come out and it's a fundraiser for a theatre to build a theatre. To build a theatre. So I got out there and the fundraiser was in a place that maximum could hold 25 people. And they were paying $10.

It was bizarre. But then what happens is we did kind of get paid a little bit in pizza. Yeah. But what we did is I think we did like 10 minutes each, and then the person who organized the gig did about three hours. Which is short for him. Which is short, yeah. Well, because the deal was he was going to have to drive us.

The guy who drove us up there was staying there for the night. So this guy who's organized the gig, Michael, he was going to drive us to the train station to then get the train back to Melbourne at the end of the gig. But the last train leaves at like 11. So he goes on at the end of the gig and he's worried that he wouldn't have enough material. And he did ages and ages and ages. And we were getting smashed.

We were just drinking and drinking and drinking. And so we get to the end and we're like, hey, Michael, what time did you say that last train leaves? Oh, it leaves at 11, but it's only like a five-minute drive. Well, it is 5 to 11 right now. So then he drives us down to the train station.

His car broke down. Well, no, but it kept clonking out, so we were just, and then he'd hold it into neutral. But at this stage, we were so smashed

that we couldn't stop laughing and then halfway down, we made him stop at a pub. Yeah, yeah. Get another six pack. You went in and you were just chatting. We could see you chatting to the bartender for about 45 minutes. And we should say this is pretty much in the country.

This is in thick bush. We were in the hills. Yeah, you're in the hills. You're in the bush. So his car would conk out. There's no street lights. It's thick fog. Were there even roads?

There were a few horse and carriages driving past. A few people panning for gold. You were driving over one of those rope bridges at one stage. So you had camels. His car was a camel. Yeah, when Ben walked into the pub the doors went... The milky bars were on.

The guy playing piano just stopped abruptly. You were in there talking to whores. Yeah. And he slid a slab down the bar, all the way down to the end of the bar. So we get to the train station and, of course, the last train has just left. And so Michael looks around at us and goes, oh, you guys can all sleep in the spare room at my parents' house if you want. And we go, nah, I think you're going to be driving us back into Melbourne.

Which is like a good point. Well, then we say, I think friend of the show, Still Saunders, said, nah, mate, you're driving us back to Melbourne. How far? How far is it? It was an hour? It's a bit longer. It was ages. But he, because it's the thing, he organizes these gigs because he lives out that way.

He organizes these gigs around the corner from his house so that it's going to be nice and convenient for him. So now he's having to drop us back into Melbourne and then drive back home. So suddenly this convenient gig has become like a four hour round trip at the end of the night. But then we even made him stuff on the way home because we'd be like, so what's your policy with smoking joints in the back seat, Michael? He'd be like, no, no, you've got to pull over.

And then we're just smoking joints all the way home. No, yeah, but you kept asking him. You kept going. Hey, Michael, there's a bit of confusion back here. What's the motto on joints in the car? And then, yeah, we had to stop behind a 7-Eleven so that you guys could get ripped behind the bins. And then we got pulled over by the cops. Yeah, but I'd left by then, hadn't I?

Oh, you had, right. Yeah, yeah. We got pulled over by the cops. Yeah, but I'd left by then, hadn't I? Oh, you had, right. Yeah, yeah. We got pulled over by the cops after we dropped you off. And me and Steel are just rowdy as in the back seat. Yeah. And the cop goes, oh, what have you guys been doing tonight? And Michael's like, oh, we had this gig. These guys have been drinking.

I haven't been drinking. I'm just driving them home. He goes, oh, you guys are comedians, are you? What about this one? And Kynes leans in the window and goes, oh, I just realised he told a joke that's dirty. I can't repeat the joke that he told.

Freebarn's going to have a field day. Caught by your own wizard trap. He told a joke, I can't even probably remember it. We all laughed. We all cracked up. And then he looks in the car and goes, ah, you guys are great. And Steele goes, oh, he's doing crowd work. And yeah, it was, I mean, the gig was so average, but I feel like that's like, I didn't really

know you that well. That was a real bonding moment. That was the weird thing. That's the weird thing about the country. You go out there, you get pulled over by cops so much more than any, I don't remember the last time I was pulled up by police in the city, but any time you go into the country, you get pulled up. I did a gig. And what's going on up there?

Yeah, yeah, nothing. And it's like late at night. Like, you were late at night at that stage. Last time I did a country gig, like a footy club gig, I was driving back with a friend of the show, Greg Fleet. And he was in top Greg Fleet form. I mean, there's your answer of why you're not pulled over. But here's the thing.

We were driving in the middle of nowhere, and this cop has just pulled us over in the middle of nowhere. I'm like, oh, God. Because I'd had probably two, three beers. And I went, oh, I'd probably be, I'm probably safe. Yeah. But I'm right on the edge. And he pulled us over, gave me a breatho or something. And then we're in absolutely the middle of nowhere.

Pictures, you know, you can't hear a bird. You know, there's nothing. There's nothing within 50 miles. You're in the void. of nowhere. Pictures, you know, you can't hear a bird. There's nothing. There's nothing within 50 miles. You're in the void. You're like, there's not even any land or trees. You're in vacuum. Not so much as a bakery to record a podcast. No, no, exactly.

There's nowhere. There's nothing. It's like before God created the world, essentially. I think we've painted a picture. There's nothing around. The car is just plummeting through space. So the policeman goes back to his car, which is parked, what, maybe 10 metres behind our car. But Fleety's in the passenger seat with the window down.

And, of course, with there being no noise, whatever you say gets carried. But he thinks he's being a sneaky idiot and just going, yeah, go back to your cop car, you dickhead. Yeah, go back and neck yourself. Who cares? Yeah, we're doing this. And it's like, everyone can hear this. He's a revolutionary. You can tell he's really pushing the envelope there.

Either that or out of his mind on drugs. I've just come up with a theory as to why you get pulled over in the country more. Maybe all the cops now who work in country police stations grew up watching Blue Heelers. So they just think that's what it's like. Yes. You know, we better stop this guy randomly because he's probably got a meth lab in the boot of his car. I've probably cracked a ring of mass murderers. They're all just like getting a ride to the next murder.

But I remember I was once in Hamilton and they've got like a training sort of area for all the cops. And once I was driving through and there's just cadet cops everywhere and I pulled in and it was like the booze bath and he goes, have you been breathalyzed earlier today? I'm like, yes. Oh, keep going, mate. Awesome. Awesome.

It's like that movie, The Invention of Lying. Lying hasn't got to Hamilton yet. That's great. I reckon it's probably, from what I've heard, there's a lot of, there are cops out in country Victoria, but there's a lot of gay men that dress as cops that are looking for a special role play experience with farmers. I thought we were going to do something real for a minute and then it just got sucked into free barn country.

See, I've known you quite a while, Bart, and the minute you open your mouth, I'm like, well, this will be complete bullshit. None of this will be fact at all. When he was doing the crowd work with you guys, if you had continued to be positive towards him, there's a chance that he would have put all of himself inside of your mouth. We're going to breathalyze this. Have you just blown into the tube?

No, don't blow. You've got to. Oh, that's enough. By the next day, there could have been a sticker of us in a policeman. What about Carl and Fleety? What would Fleety's code word have been to get the cop to fire up? I think Fleety was trying. But he just didn't say it right.

He didn't go, oh, I'm scared of snakes. That was usually what you've got to say. You've got to go, there's snakes. Going back to the stickers that you put up. Going back to reality for one second. My little cottage industry of lols. Just leaving Narnia for a second. Let's go back there, there's elves.

There's a sticker. One of those stickers that you've made of us in the tunnel. You've stuck on the front of spleens Yeah Reputable That wasn't me actually Comedy venue That was some young vandal

Oh right I just handed them out Yeah you That you asked to put the sticker on Yeah that was Yeah guys I've stuck Anything that you see stuck up

That was me Yeah So there's that That links back to A previous person That we've talked about On the show When Friend of the Throw Steel Saunders was on He was talking about Coinsy Oh Coinsy Yeah Coinsy The guy That links back to a previous person that we've talked about on the show when Friend

of the Show, Steel Saunders, was on. He was talking about Coinsy. Oh, Coinsy. Yeah, Coinsy. The guy that- For people who haven't listened, homeless guy. Yeah. I don't know if he's homeless, but he's certainly, he's a beggar.

Gets really angry when you don't give him anything. Yeah, he's one of the few beggars that gets really angry because usually, you know, a beggar, you'll say, oh, sorry, mate. And they'll go, yeah, no worries. Have a nice day. Thinking that you'll come past another day and maybe, you know, you've got a chance of giving it to him. But this guy burns all bridges.

No, he's really resentful. Yeah, yeah, he's horrible. He's like, yeah, can I have this? And you go, no. And he goes, oh, you, I've got to get you. Yeah, and then he just mumbles and walks off. He's got a huge backpack as well. Yeah, and gets really aggressive.

And he's done that with my girlfriend. And I've, like, started fights with him. But, of course, next time he doesn't remember who you are. Did you throw a punch? No, no, no. No, I had a really stand-up shouting match with him at like 5 o'clock in Pekow traffic one time. It looked like it was going to come to fisticuffs because I got real angry. The reason Carl mentioned Pekow was because they were standing on cars.

Okay. I don't know what that is. What? I don't know what that is. That was your attempt at reality. They were standing on cars. Okay. I don't know what that is. What? I don't know what that is. Yeah. That was your attempt at reality and you just. That was Bart going, is this what normal people say? That was very valid.

And when you listen back to that, you'll be like, yeah. Yeah. Okay. Cars. So I saw him the other night, but yeah, he's always looking for coins. I saw him the other night. He walked past Spleen on a mobile phone. Hang on a minute.

He's on a mobile phone. So now, like he's looking for coins or whatever. It's not going for food. It's going for his cat plan. It's going for... No, but supposedly they're handing out phones to homeless people so they can connect with their family. They're really cheap to get. I think that's just one step away of going,

mate, I'm not giving you money. You've got clothes on. Get out. It's not. You've got everything you need. I don't know. I don't want to pay for him to download Angry Birds. Was he on a smartphone? Pretty sure it wasn't.

I don't know. I don't know what it was. An email account. I also wonder who he was talking to. Or maybe he's gone pro with the whole thing. Maybe he's like telemarketing, begging, ringing random numbers. Can I have five bucks?

Or he's talking to other homeless people going, ah, it's fucking shitty here. Oh, no, Joe! What's wrong with him? Oh! Hey, Lomas, you're not on the toilet now, mate.

Hey! Look who little good angel is over here with his shiny words of righteousness. Oh. One more left in me. There's three swears out of 26 words now, I think, with homeless. Yeah, that's it. Okay, it was more than 26.

That was another three. Yeah. Just get your word count up, mate. No, but there's a homeless guy where I used to live in North Melbourne, and every time he'd go up and he goes, Oh, you've got 50 cents, you've got 50 cents. And then one day he had a haircut, put on a shirt, and started asking for a dollar.

Really? Yeah, I was like, well, I'm pretty impressed with that. He renovated. That's fair,, put on a shirt and started asking for a dollar. Really? Yeah. I was like, well, I'm pretty impressed with that. He renovated. Yeah. You've got to spend money to make money. Yeah. He's paid for the haircut.

He's paid for the shirt. Business is business. That makes sense. Hey, guys, let's talk about this quickly. I don't know if there's much in this, but this just came into my inbox just before. You know, it's coming up to Christmas. Yeah. New Year's Eve is just after that.

I don't know what you guys, have you guys got anything particular planned for New Year's Eve? No, everyone's. I'm going to go to the beach. Computer games. I'm going to play computer games. Sad group of men. Stay up till one, eat a whole pizza. Absolute sad group of men.

Yeah, prozzies. Well, what about this? I got this in my email from a, like, you like, you know, some, some website I've bought a ticket to a gig from once and now I'm just on their mailing list. So I don't even know where it's from, but the email I got was celebrate New Year's Eve Scarface style. Oh, wow. Is that something you want to do?

Yeah. Does that sound good? Miami styles? Yeah. Does it come from your drug dealer or where does it come from? I don't know. Yeah. It's just some, I didn't even. What else is Scar come from? I don't know. Yeah, it's just some... What else is Scarface style?

I don't know. It sounds like an awesome party. Crappy synth music. Women in Coke. Tell you what, the end scene of that party, though, what happens after the countdown when everyone's just getting shot up? Yeah. You know?

You want to leave by then. Is that the countdown, just people being shot? It is sort of. Not the hours. Yeah. Celebrate Hanukkah one floor over the cuckoo's nest style. Get a pillow over your face at the end of dinner. Celebrate every time in history Bill and Ted style.

Oh, man. I reckon it makes sense. Scarface, it starts really soft and nice and he rises to power and it ends really bad, which is like New Year's Eve. It starts awesome. The morning you wake up and you've got someone else's clothes on. You feel horrible. You've been shot. Yeah, they're just talking about the big picture, man.

Yeah. Okay, maybe it is. I mean, I'm just hoping, Carl, that you have a better New Year's Eve than you did last year. Because we recorded an episode not long after New Year's last year, or this year rather, and you just stayed in watching TV and then went and picked your girlfriend up from a party. Yeah, that's right. That's the most depressing thing I've ever heard. I've done a few of them.

I don't get into New Year's Eve at all. I don't do that. I'm with Carl. Really? Yeah, I'm down with that. I don't get into it. I just say, you've got to do something. No, I don't do it.

I disagree with that. I think like, I've got to do something is not, you can do whatever you want. You're a man. Stand up to the year. I'm going to go party. No! I'm sitting at home, cupping my balls, and screaming. But you've got to leave the city. I just hate being in the city. I'm going to go party. No! I'm sitting at home, cupping my balls and screaming.

But you've got to leave the city. I just hate being in the city. It's just awful. Yeah. Like you just walk around waiting to get bashed. Yeah. All I can think of is that end point of the night going, I've got to get a taxi now. I don't want to.

I could have the best night of my life, but if I've got to wait three hours for a taxi, then I don't want to do it. That's true. I mean, I haven't done, this is because I've been at the Falls Festival like the last four years, which is just, you know, you go down there and it's just, you're done.

So I haven't done a New Year's Eve in the city in a long time. So I'm kind of, I'm freaking out. I don't know if I'm going to handle it. You want to come to my place and have a barbecue? Yeah, what are you doing? Just a spurt of pizza.

I'll be, yeah, we'll have pizza. Play doubles on Double Dragon? Do you want to go to a bakery and I'll be your guest? Oh, no way! Yeah, man. Something for the wait, Oh, no way. Yeah, man. Something for the wait home for the taxi. Yeah, something for the New Year's home drive.

What about this? I think we should be broaching this. Thomas, also, you and I went on an audition yesterday. Yes. We've talked a lot about my auditions, but not so much about you auditioning. I think this is actually the first audition that I've had since the show started. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, they'll be rolling in now after what we did yesterday. And by rolling, I mean shutting the door. Rolling on the floor. With boards and nails and fire. No, rolling because they're on the floor dead. Yeah. Yeah. Dying.

Death roll. Death roll. Yeah. So we went for an audition for a major food, let's call it food company. Yes. Fast food company. Uh-huh.

If you're thinking of it, it's probably it. The most major. Go back through. Been mentioned on this program probably more than any other. So Finsity Muscle. Ollie's Trollies. That's it. You can have a happy time there.

Get our new packed pita bread full of bull chops. So, yeah, you and I went there and, you know, I did find it funny that you were taking it very professionally and you were haranguing me for my reputation of maybe not learning my lines before going in and then rolling up to the interview and finding out that you hadn't got a voice at all. You didn't have a voice.

You'd been to the Meredith Music Festival and screamed your voice out. And also, you did say to me, because I didn't see the specs of the audition at all. So you did say to me, well, how much it was worth and stuff. Because they tell you, you know, I've been to auditions and they go, oh, this is worth eight grand, which is the worst thing you can read at the start. Because the initial thing is you see that and go, oh, I want to really get this because this is worth a lot of money. It's like anything you start pre-spending.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. When you go for a job interview. And everyone does that. I think everyone does that, looks at that money and goes, yeah, if that was mine, yeah, I'll get this now. I'll act harder now. I'm going to act it right up. Time to get a jet ski.

Yeah. So we went in and I think you told me or whatever it was, it was worth a lot of money. It's a lot of money. Can you tell us? Is it like 200 grand? Let's not. Yeah, let's say it. Why wouldn't we say that?

We don't even know what it is. Yeah, we don't know what it is. Tell us, is it gold bullion? 200 grand worth of gold bullion? It's gold bullion. That is amazing. It was something like that. It was something like that.

Yeah. We've got to fly to Iraq to get it. Yeah. What are you doing for that? We've got to crack the land to Iraq to get it. Yeah. What are you doing for the ad? We've got to crack the land speed record to get it. Man, that's terrible. Ben just said, what are we doing for the ad? Now, once you hear the end of the story, it'll become very apparent that we're not actually

doing the ad. No chance of actually doing the ad at all. Have you guys signed, you've signed a thing where you can't talk about it? I believe so. Allegedly, yeah. But that was the other thing, because it was worth $200,000 though, because you were like, oh, it's worth this much. So he's learning the script.

Is it split between the two of you, or is it two people? Or do you have to fight, and whoever wins gets the $200,000? Just throw burgers at each other. Fight for the lippy burger. Whoever acts best in the ad gets the... Oh, the best acting. No, they ask you when you go into this company, which one of the guys in the ad bought you in here, and at the end of the month, whoever gets them all,

they go, okay. I would get my tits done if I knew that much money was on the line. For that kind of money, do you know anyone else who's auditioning for the same committee? You can't get in, Ben. It's too late. Guys, I've got to go. I'm just auditioning.

I've got to run. Come on me bike. I'm going to the audition. Is it at the audition hall where all the auditions are? Yeah, I know where to go. I'm just auditioning. I've got to run. Come on me bike. Catch you later. I'm going to the audition. Isn't it the audition hall where all the auditions are? Yeah, I know where that is. It's in the audition city. Number one audition street. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, outside of space and time. John Audition will take care of you on reception. Yeah, okay. Oh, man, I'm out of there. But you were quite excited by that figure. And like I said, everyone does get entranced by that figure at the start. But you're like, yeah, it's 200 grand. To me, I just think it's the same thing as, yeah, well, Keno's worth a lot of money too,

but I'm not excited about that. Yeah. Well, you actually said pretty much words to that effect as we were walking into the room. Oh, did I? You went, well, let's scratch the scratchy. Yeah, yeah. Old Chando Wiseau. Yeah, that's it.

But yeah, let's, I don't, they didn't say we weren't going to get it, but their eyes did say that. Did anything cataclysmic happen that made you sure you weren't? No, it was just that thing of, I think with auditions for me, it's like, if we're lucky enough, if I'm lucky enough to have learnt the lines and I go in there and go, go right i know how to say these words and i know how to say it in this way this is going to be good and you get in there and you say the words you say in this way and then they go can you say it in like a better way and then then my game disintegrates because like no i know how to say that one bit then i don't know anything else my plans are dashed that's what it was sort

of like it was like yeah we did our thing and went, oh, that's all right. And then they just looked at us and went. There was a lot of them going, how about this? And then me and Cal tuning to each other and going, ah. Can you guys do some crumping while you're doing that? It's a crumping ad. It's about the Crump Burger. So both of you are in the commercial at the same time.

We're not. We haven't been cast in it, Ben. So, Tommy, we're not doing that. We can't borrow any money. You've got 200 grand and you're still wearing that t-shirt. This studio we're in, this is our house now. This studio is actually a Gucci

handbag that you bought. This is our bathroom we're recording in. Even our bathroom's mic'd up. It's beautiful. Yeah, that's why Ben's doing such a good job. He's on the toilet. Yeah, if you do a good job this episode, we're going to record the next one in the

lounge room, which is five times bigger than this. I feel a lot more relaxed because I was a bit nervous that I dropped a huge load, but I'm in the right

place. You've been podcast trained well. No, in answer to your question, man, yeah, it would be, it was like they're looking for like a duo.

Yeah. Would you buy a little dum-dum speedboat and just do the podcast on a speedboat? For sure. It would be fun if we got the money to just funnel it straight back into the club. It would be great to have money. You're right. Money is overrated, man. You just need happiness.

We should mention for any potential casters listening that we would sell out in a heartbeat If you've heard us mention your product If you're attracted by our tales of not being able to audition properly And not bothering to learn the lines of prospective people paying us money High profile, high paying client How much money would it cost to get an ad on the Dum Dum Club? And you have to say the words that I give you. Yeah, it'd be Mark Maron style. We'd advertise.

No, Bart would actually buy an ad, though. Bart would definitely buy an ad. Bart would. Yeah, how much? I got cash. I would buy an ad just so I could say something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

And now an ad right now. Here's a word from our sponsor, Ben Lomas. Ben, if you slip me 50 bucks, I'm behind the control panel. I can just turn Bart's mic right down. You can probably just jump onto mine and start talking. I've got $200 that says that you won't. Ben, you can't buy an ad full of swear words, so that might change things. How much would Bart have to give us for us to put an ad?

He records us an ad that goes for a minute and we play it no question about it. This is dangerous because he'll do it. Yeah. I want him to do it. It'll be good. Yeah, a minute. I get a whole minute. You get a whole minute.

Yeah, but I feel like it's going to be, Bart, your money's no good with us because your money's actually in Echidna. But it's a golden crusted one. Hey, who doesn't want a golden Echidna? I'm going to start the bidding off at... If he pays $150 each next week. $150? Oh, man.

We sound cheap. This sounds not good. Can I click confirm on that and then go to PayPal? I am saying I really want this to happen because I think it would be good. I don't want this to happen. But you're taking up valuable airtime because then you've got the commercial and then you've got to announce my gigs. Yeah.

Or what about if, you know like how some of the guys do it, they just go, yeah, why don't you go down and press the button and go and try this coffee? I love it. Where you just have to sort of insinuate it into conversation. Yeah. If we have to read out what you've written. Or you just have to kind of go like, oh.

Tommy has to go like, oh, Carl, you know what? Today I just felt so much like a champagne douche. Really? Yeah, so did I. That's why I bought Cristal from Fenty Muscles McGravy Tans and just douched myself to happiness. What about you, Carl? And you'd be like, I don't know.

I'm confused. Like you always do. I think you just got that ad for free. Yeah. So we just invoice you now? Yeah. You can have the rest of these tasty bacon chiplets. I like the idea that if you did it on WTF,

Maren at the start before the theme song, he'll come in. So if it was like people just all of a sudden, everyone after 63 episodes, people are expecting the first thing they hear out of the new episode is, na, na, na, na, na, na. Instead it's just you going, hey, guys, hey. I can't believe he doesn't have a part in his show called Marinated. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Such a silly bloke. Hey, Mark, if you listen to this, stop listening. You haven't got a life. Well, sorry, Kyle, the audition that we did on the Monday, as, you know, my form audition that we did on the Monday, as my form in that was questionable at best, that wasn't even the dodgiest thing I did that day.

Oh, really? Yeah, I did some of my absolute worst when I got home. Where I'm staying at the moment, the bedroom doors have locks on one side of them, but no keyhole, you know, like a little snip, like the little snib on the end of the door. Snib? Yeah. Snib.

Oh, the tiny little button that you push. Oh, yeah. The snib. Like a bathroom lock. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I discovered when I got home after the audition, and I had barely slept since Meredith. I'd tried to get an early night, but was still, you know, wrecked after the weekend. I've come in and gone, oh, man, I just want to have a quick nap. I'm pretty wrecked.

I get in. I go to open my bedroom door. Bop-bow. Just locked somehow. Don't know how I've done it either because I'm a dickhead. I've snibbed it on the way out or I've slammed it shut and it's locked and there's no key. I can't get in.

And it's like, if it was my house, I'd just go, eh, and like try and smash it down. But I'm just staying in a friend's room for a couple of weeks. I can't do anything. I had did call a locksmith and all my stuff was in there so I'm just like sitting on the couch going ah well this is good and the locksmith was like you know we'll be there within like two hours or whatever so I couldn't even leave the house and do anything oh man so I'm just sitting on the couch going there was there was someone I was talking to yesterday a girl I was talking to yesterday, a girl I was talking to yesterday that had her bag snatched, which is unfortunate.

But then she, I think the bag was found and it was delivered to a police station. And so she went down and went, oh, I heard that you've got my bag. Can I have it back? And they go, yeah, you just need to show some ID. She went, yeah, it's all in the bag. No, no, no. We need ID. Like,, yeah, it's all in the bag. It's in the bag. No, no, no. We need ID. Like, are you crazy?

Like, it's in your hand. If you pull out the driver's license out, it's got my face and my name. Now you need to show ID if you want this bag back. That's why a lot of people are getting tattoo IDs now. It's a tattoo of me on me, mate. With me dating a man. You got me. When you said that's why a lot of people in my head went,

oh, this will be interesting. And by people, you mean dreams of yours. No, mate. I mean pentagits. Well, so the locksmith finally comes, and it took him about six seconds. He just unscrewed the handle and went straight in. But because I'd left my bedroom in such a state, it was an absolute mess in there.

The door swings open, and there's just shit all over the floor. And he just turns and looks at me and goes, I feel kind of bad that I have to charge you. How bad my life is at the moment. Did he not charge you? Did you attempt to do it yourself though? No, like I couldn't. Yeah, I just couldn't work out. And because it's not my house.

You should have said, you should have gotten out of it by going, oh, yeah, thanks for opening the door. Because obviously someone's broken in, robbed my room, and then locked it on the way out. Because my room's usually really good. Are you someone that'll tinker? Like you'll take something apart to try to fix it? I mean, if it was my... Because I'm taking a friend's room for a few weeks while he's away. So if it was my place, then I would probably be more inclined to.

But I didn't want to risk it, given it was, you know, a mate's thing. You could have broken it and never be fixed again. That's it. And I figured if I pay a locksmith, that's less of a risk than me just smashing it with my shoulder and buying a whole new door. Oh, man, doors are so hard to replace. There's hardly any of them around now. They stopped building them in 1976.

It's like that vintage door market. Doors are going for 40 grand. That's why heaps of people just have big open tents and stuff. They don't have, you know? I understand, Tommy. That's what Meredith is. Meredith isn't a music festival. It's just people living.

It's just people trying to be alive without doors Because they're so hard to make and find and pay for Oh man, I've come across that problem a lot This is a reason why on Bart's podcast His partner on the show just sits in the background and laughs Because what can you say? Just call me Nick Cody Hey, Nick has a lot to contribute

I will say He buys you sausage rolls I buy him sausage rolls. We buy each other sausage rolls, and that's not a euphemism for sex. I will say... I will say, Mark, that I feel like the slide into dementia slash Alzheimer's for you is going to be a very easy transition. I've had it for six years.

I'm actually 85. I just always grease myself up with my food because I eat a lot of chicken, so I look young. And I'm actually an accountant. I'm a retired accountant. Can someone else take the reins for a second? I can't cope with this. We've unleashed the dragon.

What about this, Tommy? So you're still on the hunt for a house. You are still homeless. Yes. As evidenced by that story where you're still on the hunt for a house. You are still homeless. Yes. As evidenced by that story where you're still slumming it with friends. Yeah, so you've been doing interviews and stuff like this. Because this intrigues me because I'm so glad I'm not in these days anymore. Yeah, it's shit.

It's really shit. Now you're swearing. Why are you swearing? There's been a few of those words. She loves to say this. Not good enough. I'll just say this. Tommy said it.

I thought it was okay. I do feel like this is a thing, and I think we've talked about this, where I remember when I was a kid, you would never hear that word on TV. And now, it feels like shit isn't a swear word anymore. You said it again, mate. It feels like it sneaks into commercial radio. It's a swear. It's a big swear.

I've seen it on TV before, like 7 p.m. I don't say it to my mum, so that means it's a swear word. Whenever you say that, my ring clenches. Maybe this is why I'm not getting houses, because I'm... Maybe that's why we didn't get the interview. The audition yesterday, when you come in and went, these burgers are...

Hey, have you done interviews? Have you actually done some? I've done a couple, yeah. How have they gone? They're alright. I mean, it's been sort of a mix of going through friends of friends. But the question is, did you get offered a house, though? I've gotten offered a couple, but I don't want to take. Oh, really? You've knocked some houses down?

No, that's right for you. He needs the right house, babe. That's a good position to be in, that you're knocking back. Yeah, so people want you. So it'd be worse if no one offered you a house. You're a fucking commodity. That's true. I used to live over in the west side of the city, which is not probably the most awesome

side of the city. For those international guests, that's Footscray, Werribee. No, it was Williamstown and Newport. I don't even know where that is. Yeah. That's like the good, the best bit of it. Williamstown's the fancy part. It's fancy and family and boring and whatever.

Because Carl, for those of you who haven't seen him, is made of gold. He's very precious. I went for interviews over there once. Little diamond chops. I actually went for an interview. I knocked back a house. I ended up going to talk to these people. And it was like, I think they'd just moved to Melbourne as well.

Right. They'd just moved to Melbourne. And right at the moment, Tommy Deslow is running around the other side of the studio. He's just getting the lighting really nice. He's getting the lighting on the podcast right. Because later we're going to do some sex explosions. I can't see a damn thing in here. The sun's gone down as we're doing this show.

It feels weird. It's all audio. Podcast. No, it's important to be able to see. You know what's creeping me out is it's actually really creepy to hear Bart's voice in the dark. Like, if you're listening to this at home, just put yourself in a closet and listen to his voice. And it's really... Just have it written down on your laptop in front of you.

It's Carl that you're talking to. You don't need to see me. Yeah. So I went for an interview. Hey, you're all welcome, by the way. You know, one of the things that I do when I listen to you guys is just look at pictures of you on Facebook. Otherwise, I can't understand what you're saying. I'm like, what are these?

Are these words? There's weird... Oh, it's Carl talking. I never listen to it at night because this podcast scares me. It'll turn you into a werewolf, probably. That's why you've got silver underpants. So, I'm over an interview with an older couple. How old?

Oh, like 50s 300 1950s not 300 just to clarify um and i think they just moved to melbourne or something and so when part of the interview was just them going it wasn't much of an interview they just went yeah yeah you you'll be fine oh when we when you can move in this weekend we can have all sorts of adventures together like you did you really say adventures? And they were planning on me. They were employing a tour guide. By having me move in, I was going to be the tour guide.

Or their child. Yeah, it was like that. It was like that. And then they started saying, oh, mealtimes are at this time. And we'll come and call you. And, you know, oh, look, the husband likes to watch the 7.30 reports. I hope you don't like watching, you know, CSI or whatever. Man, I would do that.

I would so do that. Put on your school shorts. You are doing that at the moment. You're living with your mum. Oh, no, you're not. Oh, sorry. You haven't been doing that for a week and a half. Sorry about that.

Tommy's got a job and is an adult and has credit cards. Do you have a credit card? Yeah. Yeah, he lives with who he wants. Have you maxed it out after Meredith? After Meredith? Yeah, so many rides on the Ferris wheel. So many trippy tacos you've charged up to the visa.

The reason I would do that is because my dad was like 40 when he had me. So my dad's like an old dad. So he's 46 now. Oh, no, you didn't. I laughed at that because I'm like, oh, I wish I'd have thought of that. So like, you know, he's like quite, there's like, that's quite a significant gap in age. So he was like always like a little bit too old to like kind of do like,

you know, fun shit with me when I was growing up. Was that his excuse? Yeah. It's me. He's not into electro, are you trying to say? And he doesn't hit the pingers. Come on, Dad, there's a mad drum and bass not going on the street. Meanwhile, he's playing cricket tonight with the neighbourhood kids down the street.

Yeah, with Amel. With Amel. He's got Amel in there. He's trying to be more like Tommy. Why do we need the Amel in that bit? That was amazing. You know what? That's a thing that I started doing on purpose as a joke that is now,

because I did it so much, has become involuntary. Amel? Amel? Actually. Sure, Amel. Why not? That's also true of Amel. Yeah, Amel does relax the muscles.

Yeah, I would actually happily live with a couple in their 50s. I'd be into it. It'd be fun. I don't think you would. Is that because you're homeless? No, it's because those people are 20 years younger than Tommy's parents. Yeah. Fresh and hip.

They're cool lads. We're going to bingo. Whoa! My girlfriend, before I knew her, she was desperate to find somewhere to live. And she moved in with a woman who had a kid, a young kid on her own. And the woman was like, oh, you're not going to end up looking after her or anything. And then that's all that happened. Yeah, right.

Oh, can you feed Ruddiger or whatever it's called? Well, that was it. Because when I was over in the West, for some reason, I wanted to stay in the West. When I was in the West Bank. Yeah, yeah. Back in the old days in the West. Back when you had a beard and a coat. Yeah, yeah.

When I had to, when house interviews were more like just pistols drawn at 6am. Yeah, sure. Shooting the inhabitants of the house. Get on with your story, Bubba Loebill. Let's go. Yeah, well, because there's not that sort of student amount of people over there. Like, you know, if you're going for a house in Richmond or Parana, South Yarra or wherever, Fitzroy, you've got all those sort of young people.

Over in the West, I was looking for a spare room and it would be all that sort of stuff, like parents and people with children. And it was just 100% weird house interviews. Just, oh, if you do a good performance, you get to move in with these 54-year-old lesbians that have their grandchildren coming around and staying in your room every three weeks. When they have kids, it's illegal because they can't be married. This was back in the old West though.

Oh, yeah. There was only lesbians. No rules. Like everyone was a lesbian. I was actually married to a lesbian cart. I remember back in the 1850s. You did, as you said that, you wistfully stared off into the distance like you were actually remembering this time that you just

created in your head. Yeah, I was just thinking of how beautiful the cart was. Mahogany. It is, I have that same thing where there's been a couple of houses where I've turned up to where I just go, nah, I don't want to live here. This is not a good place. But then in your head, you still want to ace the interview because it's like

you're passing something. It's nice to knock something back. It's almost a bit like the auditions that we had yesterday because it gets to a part of the audition where I'm like, we are not going to get this. Can we cut to the chase? What do we have to say to be able to leave this room? I know what you could say. There's a few.

Do you live with your girlfriend, Ben? No. I did live with her for about six years, and then we decided to have a bit of time apart. And at the moment now, after six years, I'm living in a share house with three women who I thought would be a really, really good idea. And they are so dirty. Oh, really? It is absolutely painful.

One of my housemates- Do you want to kick one of them out and get this guy into a trance? No, but it's amazing. One of my housemates was like, she goes, on Friday night, she got curry, and clearly wasn't going to cook. Then she'd eat the plate of curry, leave half of it there, and leave it on the table for the whole weekend. Whoa.

And all I would see is flies land up up and go And then she'd come back And start eating again Whoa I don't think we can We can do this I live with girls And they're very good They're super awesome

And now we have three kittens So we're three Oh really Yep Whoa They just appeared We have three kittens They came out of one of the ladies

Curry kittens Curry kittens Yeah That's what happens You eat a butter curry And kittens will shoot out of one of your orifices. Orifices? Orifices. I'm trying to be creative here, guys.

I think I'm doing all right. Yeah, right. Okay, so this is crazy. You were living with your girlfriend for six years and you decided to have a break, but you stayed together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For that period. And then we split up for a while and then we got back together.

But it's just weird because she lives around the corner, but just the whole house dynamics. I did that sort of shared house and now I'm back in it again. And I've totally forgotten how it is. Yeah, the way it rolls. Yeah. And sharing the dishes, sharing the cook. And it's quite a communal house. So, you know, like it's just – I hate it.

Well, sort of the position I'm in is that, you know, like I'm going to all these – some of these interviews that are crappy and like I've thrown the net out to like friends and friends of friends and sort of got not much back. So it's coming down to like being on Gumtree and stuff. But my girlfriend has just gotten back from overseas. Moving with her. And we've talked in the past about moving in together.

Yeah. And so it's like I'm sort of more keen to do that than to go country. But it's like you don't want to rush it because it's like that could be. Oh, but you know, you guys have been together for a while now. Yeah, but I mean a lot of that's been overseas. Yeah, we've been in the same country. Yeah, it's putting a lot of pressure on people. That's what my girlfriend says.

Like when I would get fed up with housemates and whatever, and I'm like, yeah, let's move in. She's like, are we moving in because you hate living with housemates or because you love me? And I'm like, yeah. Hey, how's that weather? Hashtag Dassolo. I've not done that in a very long time. Man, I wish you did it more, to be honest.

I like your food weather tweets. I'll say this. This ties into this. I did a great move on Twitter where I, last night, I gained a heap of followers off the back of one tweet and then lost about half of them off the back of another tweet within the space of about an hour. I want to know the tweets.

What are they? So I put up a joke saying it kind of doesn't work outside of being written down, but I said I've formed an all gay Nick Cave tribute act called Grinderman. Yeah. And people know about Grinderman. It's the iPhone app that gays use to get sweet sex. Yeah. So I put that up and then got a lot of retweets and my followers really went up over the night.

It was exciting. It was like, oh, this is cool. I know I must have got a lot of retweets because then you did that thing where you retweeted Deslo is trending in Australia. Yeah. It was weird. Like, what would I... How many did you get?

New followers. Yeah. A couple of hundred. Whoa. Yeah. Whoa. Because you need what did a celebrity retweet you? Because that's what you need.

I don't think they did. I don't know. They must have. I don't know. Yeah. That joke's really not that good. Oh. I don't mean that. I don't think they did. I don't know. They must have. I don't know, yeah. That joke's really not that good. Oh! I don't mean that.

I don't mean that. The Riddler just stuck his finger right up my arsehole. I don't mean that. Man, I would have retweeted it. But I've finished Twitter. I passed it. So it's done. What are you up to now then?

I've got a thousand tweets. I just get killed the end boss. Yeah, so what are you on to now? Are you on to a different level? You get to shoot down the blue bird. I've So what are you on to now? Are you on to a different level? You get to shoot down the blue bird. I'm, I've just started Google Plus.

So I'm just jumping on, yeah, I'm jumping on mushrooms. Did you just start Twitter again, but it's like a different color screen? Yeah, you start as a blacksmith. Yeah,

right. Oh, right, right, And you, instead of doing tweets, you have horseshoes. That's exciting,

because you were telling us before the show about how you clocked Facebook. Yeah, I clocked Facebook and now it's, how many horseshoes can you fit in your pocket? It's hard if you don't have pockets, you just got an apron on. clocked Facebook. Yeah, I clocked Facebook and now it's how many horseshoes can you fit in your pocket?

It's hard if you don't have pockets. You just got an iPhone. Classic social networking. Yeah. Man, the internet is complicated. Digging tunnels, having bites. You are what Zuckerberg was dreaming of. Yeah.

He was running into the questions. Yeah, I was actually in his head talking about laser pirates. It's so weird. I've said so little that I feel like I'm just listening to the podcast. And that is why you've shit yourself. We are in a toilet. So, yeah, I did that Nick Cave thing and, you know, people seemed to dig that and that was good and I was happy with it.

It was a good feeling. And then I put, and this will be a bit much for people, but in fairness, I have talked about it on the show. It has come up on the show before. I said, my girlfriend is getting home from overseas tomorrow, so that'll be no more lonely Skype wanks for me. Maybe I'll get into chat roulette to ease myself off or whatever. As soon as I did that, I noticed my followers just go, boop, and drop back off again. One guy actually said to me, I came here expecting tweets about the food

and the weather and this is what I get. Do you think that followers dropped off because they realised that you weren't gay? Oh, yeah. Do you think that? Maybe. I mean, I'm not. Like, I think that could have been. They're like, oh, there's a funny gay comedian and let's follow him. Oh, he's got a girlfriend. Called Tom.

He must be that famous one. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. Maybe. I don't know. Who's the famous one? Famous gay Tom.

Who's famous gay Tom? You know famous gay Tom? No. You've had him on the Friend of the Show? Famous gay Tom? No. He's really famous. You're playing games with me.

He's so famous. You're doing a bit of reverse free mark. Like it goes. You're pretending that the real world doesn't exist. It goes Jesus, computers, Beyonce, famous gay Tom. That's the wrong. Computers. I've heard of computers.

Computers are really famous. Computers are really famous. We should get computers on this show. Man. I've taken a photo on the Walk of Fame with the star that computers have. Yeah. It's pretty good. It's binary.

It's a binary star. So, yeah, it was a thrilling afternoon on twitter um yeah so we were talking about um interviews and whatever for housemates i thought about this um i did this thing once where we i was going to move out of a house and i think i was living with two or three other people and i was like oh i don't want to go to all the trouble of like moving out but there was this guy that sort of annoyed us in the house. So we didn't want to kick him out or whatever. I think the house was in his name.

So it was like, oh, we've got to move out. But then the guy I was living with went, no, this is what we're going to do. And so we ended up telling this other guy that we were all moving out. Oh, we're all moving out. We're all moving out. So then he's like, oh, OK, we're all moving out, are we? Okay. And then he organized another house.

And then as soon as he paid the bond, we went, no, we're not moving out anymore. It's rotten. That is brutal. That is rotten. Yeah. Nice guys. I know. Machiavellian.

Son of your absolute worst. I know. Well, at least I wasn't the same as the other guy. The other guy that brainwashed me. I'm going to blame it on him. He brainwashed me. Everyone who listens to this show knows that it was your idea. No, I promise.

I think he was the guy who broke me. Carl's very susceptible to brain rot. Yeah, exactly. Brain rush? Brain rush. Brain rush. This guy, the guy that brainwashed me, also used to clean the toilet with this other guy's toothbrush.

Oh, what? Brutal. I think it was that crazy stir crazy sort of thing where this other guy hadn't done anything wrong, but you just live with someone and it's like, oh, look at the way he's shaking his head. Yeah, sure. Oh, we've got to get this guy out. It's like spending a lot of time with someone in any capacity. I think that's how World War II started.

Yes. In a share house. Yeah. Someone cleaned the a share house. Yeah. Someone cleaned the toilet with Hitler's toothbrush. Hitler was staying with a Polish dude and he was like,

oh, I'll use my towel again. Rah, poof. And then he was like, hey, Stalin, you can have half the house, I'll have the other half. Oh, the Americans don't know. I love that really condensed

take on World War II. Rah, poof. That's a good take. That's like the complete unabridged works of William Shakespeare. That thing, he bridged it down. That's good. Is that it? I think that's it. That's a good take. That's like the complete unabridged works of William Shakespeare. That thing, he bridged it down. That's good.

Is that it? I think that's it. That's it. Guys, thanks very much for joining us for another week. We want to thank Ben Lomas for the 30 words that you got in. Maybe 35. Maybe 35. We'll see how the editing suite goes.

You managed to not swear in your outro, so that was good. You got anything coming up you want to plug? You're going to be in the comedy festival next year yeah in the comedy festival next year and doing a gig in

Ripon Lee on Thursday so think about it if anyone wants to make a fake Ben Lomas account on

Twitter go ahead now I'm going to have to get onto it that's the way to put people into doing it.

Bart Freebound, thank you so much for joining us again. Check out Something for the Drive Home. It's on iTunes. It's on Libsyn. If you liked Bart trying to hold himself back tonight. Yeah, it was so good. This is like two out of ten, Bart Freebound. If you want eight or nine, get on Something for the Drive Home.

I'm scared about what's going to happen once we turn the microphones off. Yeah, yeah. Just what he's been building up for the last... There's a balloon been swelling in this room for an hour. He's currently blue and vibrating at intense frequency. She's going to blow. Vent my rude gland. How about you just stand in the corner and just unleash as we sign off?

Yeah. So step right back from the mic. Yeah. Seriously, do it now. Just get right back into the corner. I'll still be saying nothing. Yeah, yeah. We'll just stand as we sign off. Step right back from the mic. Seriously, do it now. Just get right back into the corner. I'll still be saying nothing. We'll just stand back here. Thanks everyone for listening.

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