The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 66 - Michael Chamberlin & Harley Breen

Episode Date: January 5, 2012

Dreams, T-shirts and Men's Health. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey mates, welcome into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for 2012. My name is Tommy Dasolo. Sitting opposite me is the other half of the show, Carl Chandler. G'day dickhead. We do want to mention up the top because we keep mentioning it at the end and as I've mentioned before, I suspect no one hangs around that long. We do have t-shirts for sale at the moment. You can get a blue with yellow text or grey with red text.

Send us an email. No one is buying the grey ones. I think the grey ones are better. So if you are Team Allsop like you claim to be, get a grey one. If you are Team Allsop, get the grey one. If you're Team Chandler, it's the navy one. Because there's been nothing but navy purchases so far. People suggested that we should do Team Allsop and Team Chandler,

but the colours are sort of like the unofficial teams. So get on it. LittleDumbDumbClub at gmail.com if you want one, and we will work out payment and all that stuff. I have to apologise up top. I've barely slept because we're in the middle of this heat wave in Melbourne at the moment, and I got about five minutes sleep last night. And for the five minutes that I was asleep, I had a dream where all my teeth fell out

and then I was too terrified to go back to sleep. So I just lay there in this ball of sweat for the whole night. Yeah, that's a very common dream. Is it really? Yeah. Because it's meant to mean you're anxious? No, it means you're an idiot. Oh.

No. What a great year this is going to be. No, I've heard that happen heaps, yeah. No, but you look up the Dream Dictionary and there's so many different stupid things where it's like... Boring! Introduce us! Boring! I was just about to say...

Hi, I'm sitting here. I never know whether I'm meant to sit here and listen like I'm fucking interested in this bullshit shrivel at the start. How much of a fucking loser would you have to be to have a Team Allsup or a Team Chandler t-shirt? How much of a fucking loser? And maybe to do with people like fucking Navy more than Grey. That's why people are buying it. What colour would Team Chambo be?

Rainbow. Alright, well let's... Yeah, exactly. I get it. I meant that positively, Chambo. That was a gay joke. Well, all right. That was a gay joke. Two men who are busting to have a conversation about dreams are our guests today.

Two people are going to bring it since they've knocked us off our purchase. They've got the convos streaming out of their paws at the moment. Let's give them a... Oh, you guys are going to hang around. I thought it was just going to be me and Harley. You guys are going to leave. Well, it depends how well you do. We'll see if we hang around or not. You're going to talk about T-shirts and dreams for 40 minutes and then you're going to hang around. I thought it was just going to be me and Harley. You guys are going to leave. Well, depends how well you do. We'll see if we hang around or not.

You're going to talk about t-shirts and dreams for 40 minutes and then you're going to leave. This is kind of the bad thing about having two guests is that they just kind of spur each other on.

I mean, this happens every time we have two because then it's like we don't outnumber the guests. You know what I mean? I don't know if we should intro them.

Should we intro them? You should because I'm so ready for Dum Dum Club. I ate fast food just in preparation for the fucking dribble. Maybe people can just hold up the Dum Dum Shazam app when they guest speak to try and have it work out. Can you word up, give yourself a note to make the explicit language warning already because Mr Breen is bringing it apparently.

Oh, what? You guys have changed so much advertising your fucking shirts. How about that? There we go. Our first guest on the show, he's been on before. Please welcome back in Little Dumb Dumb Club, Harley Briggs. Friend of the show. Yes.

Yes, friend of the show. I'm very happy to be back. It has changed a lot, hasn't it? It's gone pretty upmarket. It's very upmarket. The studio's better. Yeah, the last time was just in a dog kennel and smelt of wet hair. And now we're outside of that.

Yeah, we've changed. We've got through a lot of guests, a lot of quality ones. We're getting to the dregs now. Anyway, second guest, Michael Chamberlain, everyone. First time guest. Yeah, it's good to be here, guys,

after what you've been doing for a bit more than a year, probably. And they've already gone around and got a hundred people twice. I'm that low on your list. To be fair, you did piss off to Sydney for a while.

You don't have the phone hook up there? You don't have... We're in a studio. We could go to... I could go to any kind of studio in Sydney. I had that kind of pull in that town. And they also don't feel confident with you being here on your own. They called me in.

I'm going to take my rainbow t-shirt and leave. So, Carl, what is teeth falling out in a dream meant to mean? It means all different stuff. Let's go back to that because it was going well. Oh, Jesus. It's mutiny. I'm still putting him down for a Navy t-shirt. I totally have a Navy one as if I'm Team Allsoft.

Oh, Jesus. I'm not even confident enough to use his real name. I have to wear his shirt. Yeah, I'd be walking around. Who's that Allsoft guy? We can do that. we can do that. We haven't done that for a while. Someone on the Facebook the other day went,

someone joined the Facebook the other day and went, I've just looked through a fair bit of the wall and there's no mentions of Tommy's real name or his womanly voice. So I think there's new listeners that don't know anything about it. I'm just saving my energy up when we have to re-record this whole episode because none of this makes sense. We've done the intros though, yeah? Yeah, we've done both the intros.

Intros, check. Dreams, check. T-shirts, check. Musini, check. The thing about the Dream Dictionary stuff is that when I've looked at them in the past, they're always like no shit. It's always like I had a dream that my teeth fell out.

Oh, that means you're scared about your teeth falling out. Like they're never that specific. It also means, I think it also means that you're coming into money, but it also means death. Yeah. So I don't know why those two would be linked. Okay. And I think it's only because you're coming into money because someone going, oh, tooth

fairy. And that's it. Yeah, sure. Well, cause I remember like in the dream, it was real, you know, like if you fall off something in a dream, like you really feel. I remember I could really feel it and I woke up like. Did you get told as a kid if you fall off something in a dream and you don't wake up before you hit the ground, you die?

I have heard that. It's horse shit. Yeah. It's just things kids tell each other just to make dreams even worse. But to be honest, I haven't remembered a dream in 13 years. I like the idea of that because whoever proved that, whoever went, hey, I fell off a thing and then I didn't wake up and now I'm dead. Casper the ghost.

I'll put that in a book. Why do you think you haven't remembered a dream? Because I started drinking heavily 13 years ago. That's why I don't remember dreams anymore. Is that a thing? Yeah, pretty much. If you drink heavily, usually what happens is you don't sleep. You pass out. Sure, sure. You don, usually what happens is you don't sleep. You pass out.

Sure, sure. And so you don't get down to a certain level of sleep. No, no. And that's what I spend time on. Have you ever done that thing where you wake up in your dream and you know that it's a dream and you walk around? It's like a Halo game. You've got your own dream world.

Yeah, it's like you're in the Matrix. It's awesome. Yeah. You've never done that? No. I did that for a while. I don't know if I've talked about this. You did that for a while as a hobby.

I did. I did. No, no. I remember as a kid, but I could do that, say, when I was like 10 years old. So instead of going, oh, man, I'm going to explore my subconscious, I actually used it to go, oh, my teacher, Mr. Bun, is a dickhead. Yeah. And I'd just like yell out insults about my teacher in my dream going, look at this guy.

Were you speaking in your sleep, do you think? Because that would be awesome if your parents could just hear you going, he's a dickhead. Talking about your teacher. I think I was very challenged, troubled. That's just how Mr. Teacher's been doing. Yeah, we're going to bring this up in the parent-teacher interview. My son has been screaming your name in his sleep.

But Harley, you've been off the drink for a little while. The dream's not coming back or you've just done so much irreversible damage in those 13 years that you just, you cooked. Well, you take one drug out, you've got to add another one. I'm not a fucking idiot. I'm not going to be sober. Ironically, a drug that's making your teeth fall out. Yeah.

Chee. No, to be honest with you, they have. In the last, I've had nine months off for the drink, and the dreams have come back, but really intensely. So you wake up and you have that brief five-minute period where you go, that was real. Like someone's died or I've done something heinously wrong. You're like, fuck, oh, my God, how am I going to face anyone?

Oh, it was a dream. It's fine. Yeah, yeah. This is the most existential that the show's ever been. Yeah, let's go back to t-shirts. Things that exist in this realm. So we did just have New Year's Eve. This is our first show

of 2012. Harley, Michael, what were your New Year's Eves like? Let's start with Michael. I did nothing. I sat at home by myself, actually. What did you watch? Why doesn't that surprise me? And you wonder why we've needed someone else in here with you. Back to the Future 3?

No, I watched probably about 10 minutes of the proms, and then I went and downloaded highlights from the proms that Channel 2 hadn't got to yet. What's the proms? It's like last night at the proms at Royal Albert Hall. But what is that? That doesn't explain anything. It just means The location

And there's a lot more Explain it to us In t-shirt terms It explains a lot about you Carl That you don't know what it is Well you have You have Team You have Team Classical

And Team Rock And Team Classical Is at the Royal Albert Hall So is it dancing? Earlier in the year That'd be Chandler It's an English

Okay everyone shut the fuck up And I'll tell you Yes Kick it off It's an English tradition Okay, everyone shut the fuck up and I'll tell you. Yes. Kicking off. It's an English tradition. They have a series of concerts at Royal Labrador Hall and essentially like the English Philharmonic or whatever. And then they have a final night, kind of like party night,

where they all dress up and bring a flag and they all kind of bob up and down in certain moments. Like there's a real kind of tradition to it, you know? Okay, so let's get back to dreams. Yeah. Well, that shows how boring I was. I there's a real kind of tradition to it, you know? Okay. So let's get back to dreams. Yeah. Well, that shows how boring I was. I watched a bit of that and then I went, I don't want to watch the whole thing.

And so I got online on YouTube and I downloaded the bits. You torrented the prongs. Yeah, they have. I wanted to see them do the national anthem in Jerusalem and I wanted to see them do Land of Hope and Glory. And so I went and YouTube that and um i feel i feel feel really bad now i'm that much of a fucking loser you had a private new year's all to yourself yeah there's something very appealing about that i've done that last bunch of years i think i

talked about last year on the thing where i was just watching whatever was on oh i watched uh singing in the rain last year for news yeah And then went and picked my girlfriend up. Yeah. Yeah, from some party. Oh, man. That just, every time I hear that story, it just makes me so sad. What did you get up to, Harley? You were at the Falls Festival for a bit.

You were performing down there. Yeah, I went to Tassie Falls the day before New Year's Eve and then on the day of New Year's Eve did the Lawn Falls. But I would rather nail my cock to a table than camp in a tent besides screaming, pilling youth. So I did the gig, rocked it, smashed it, changed comedy forever, and got... Mate, I saw the one comment you got on Twitter that you retweeted, so I know that you did I performed in front of a combined audience of 15,000 people in two days and got one Twitter comment.

So I must have really changed the shit for people. No reception. Reception is actually really bad. You can't actually get any down there. They're all home now. They still haven't written anything. So on a scale of getting one tweet and YouTubing last night at the proms, I'm below you.

So don't worry about that. It's all right. It's okay. So I zipped home. So don't worry about that. It's all right. It's okay. So I zipped home. I said goodbye. Goodbye. I said goodbye to my son. And you skipped yourself.

I said goodnight to myself. It's too hard to bring that up. That's powerful. And you're still out and about laughing. You're not going to write about me on Twitter, kid. You are gone. Get those thumbs working. You can go back.

Anyway, I'm going to finish that. Actually, we can see the police coming now, Ali. That's good. Oh, there's so much worse shit I've done. Anyway, and then I went out. Much worse shit than killing your son. Well. You did retweet one comment.

That's far worse. That is up there, yeah. And I bought a Team Allsop shirt. Beautiful. Beautiful little quote. Beautiful little callback. I'm going to retweet that. Anyway, I chose to go to a friend of mine's house,

the wonderful Adam McKenzie, and he just had a little house party in Clifton Hill, so it was full of hipster douchebags, of which I am one of them. I've got a white Casio watch on my wrist for that sake. But it was great. It was just exactly what I wanted and then this really hard kind of bikey dude

turned up and couldn't have been more out of the party if he tried, everyone stopped and went, oh that guy looks really hard but no one would have done anything and I found out today that there's a potential that he belongs to NA, which is Narcotics Anonymous.

And so he was looking for a bit of fun, trying to get a bit of fun. I think he was trying to get a rise out of some of the people at the party that didn't happen because everyone was just a bit too excited to be dancing to Gordie A. So did he know anyone or he just? Yeah, I think he knew someone, but it was like somebody who knew somebody who knew the person who was having the party. Like it was three people removed.

Sure. And then he did what I loved growing up, loved happening when I was growing up, which was set off some illegal fireworks way before midnight. I can't wait. I'm doing it now. I need some drugs, but I'm off it. So I'll just set off some fireworks. And I think what he had was a Roman candle, which looks like a candle.

It's a cylindrical fireworks. You set it off, and it shoots off maybe two or three things, you know, maybe 20 feet into the air. This one just exploded at ground level, so it just went from silence to color. It was just insane. And then got in his Harley and took off, and that was my New Year's. It was pretty good.

I don't have anything to beat it. In fact, the proms is probably better. Should we come over, man? Did you then go home and then download highlights of other people setting off fireworks early in their backyard? No, I just had a wank and went to sleep. Oh. Well, I went. He shot off his own Roman candle.

It was at ground level as well. Really? Why? and went to sleep. Oh. Well, I went... He shot off his own Roman candle. It went from dark to... It was at ground level as well. Really? Why? I do like that if you walk around the streets at New Year's, you just hear, like from about nine o'clock,

you just hear a bevy of, you know, bootleg backyard fireworks shows going off. It's very good. And early countdowns too. Yeah, yeah. The fake out countdown. You get to kind of give a half-past it. That happened at thiss too. Yeah, yeah, the fake out countdown. You get to kind of, you know, half past 11.

That happened at this party. I think it happened for the last 10 minutes of last year. People just kept going, 10, 9. Meanwhile, Harley's at home masturbating and the dog suddenly runs away from home. That's how explosive I am. I went to a party with you for a short time. You did? Yeah. New Year's Eve. Yeah. A pool party. It for a short time You did? New Year's Eve

Yeah A pool party It's a friend of the show Steel Saunders' house Yes But then you left And I left And we went to different parties all together

Yep What happened at yours? I went to see the band Regurgitator Yep At the Corner Hotel And they were very good And you're acting like you know something No I don't about my behaviour there

that I've forgotten. No, I don't. No, no, no, I don't. Because I was very drunk, stayed afterwards and had a bit of a dance. And that classic thing where at the time thought, man, everyone must be looking at me and my girlfriend and thinking, look at those two cool cats. They don't care what people think of them.

They're just throwing their cares to the wind and just having a big old dance. No one else is dancing. They don't care what people think. And then realising the next morning that we would have just looked utterly tragic. I was trying to take my top off and just humping the stage.

My girlfriend was saying I was outsmarted by the fact that I was wearing a hat. I couldn't work out. I was like, well, I've got a hat on my head. The shirt's not coming off. That's on there. That's stuck. It was good. It was good news. I went to a party afterwards. I was like, well, I've got a hat on my head. The shirt's not coming off. That's on there. That's stuck. Yeah, it was good. It was good news. I went to a party afterwards that was like all my old friends,

like from Maribor and stuff and other people. I don't know if this happens to you. And this is not meant as an insult or anything like this. Oh, jeez. Oh, boy. No, do you ever have this thing where, I'm actually intrigued by this. When your friends talk about this show to you, do they give it a bit of, yeah, I really like it.

Don't know what that Chandler guy's on about though. Do you ever get a bit of that? Do you get a bit of that? Sometimes. You don't, do you? Yeah, no, sometimes. Your friends like you more. No, because I can see how that would happen because, you know, I've got friends and they already know my sense of humour.

They already know me. They can get on board straight away and go, yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't know what that other little bloke's about or, you know, I've got friends and they already know my sense of humor. Sure. They already know me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They can get on board straight away and go, yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't know what that other little bloke's about or, you know, whatever it is. Sure. But I'll get that from people and I'll be always, you may be surprised by this, but I'll be like, no, he's good. He's good.

It's a good show. I do. No one in this room believes that. But the thing is, but not only that, but it's like, you're saying that to make yourself sound like a good guy, but in effect, it's still a diss because it's still a way of you telling me that people don't like me. There's no need for me to bring it up.

Yeah, exactly. That's a friend New Year's Eve party version of a retweet. Yeah, yeah. No, you know what it is? It's not a humble brag. It's a humble diss. Yeah. That's what it is. Yeah. No, you know what it is? It's not a humble brag. It's a humble diss. Yeah. That's what it is.

Yeah. No, but all these guys were like really drunk and they're going, oh, yeah, no, you're great. Oh, the bloke. Oh, I don't know. All the time. Oh, you all mates were just standing around me going, you're so great, Carl. You're so great, Carl. No, no, no.

I get them. There's a bit of that, though, that friends will go, I'm on board with you, but the other guy, I don't know. What do you mean you don't know what? They don't think I'm what? They don't get what I'm on about? They don't think I'm funny? Maybe. I don't know.

I don't know. I stick up for you. I'm trying to tell you I'm a fan of you. Tommy, I've got a grey T-shirt at home. You've got about 800, to be fair. I'm team all-sop. No, I mean, I get a bit of that from people But my friends

I'm fine with that I'm fine with people not being on board with me With the Chan train And even less people on board after saying that Sure sure I get it like they've grown up with you and whatever Yeah yeah exactly But there are people that really do like you I don't even think we need to be here Sure, sure. Yeah. No, I get it. Like they've grown up with you and whatever. That makes sense. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly, exactly.

But there are people that really do like you. I don't even think we need to be here. This does happen a bit. Chamber, what about you? You've just come back from Sydney because you've been working on Can of Worms. Yeah, I moved up there in May and I just moved back a couple of days before Christmas. You just, after getting dick over the arse, so you're king making. Who's the new host?

That's a great sentence. Yeah. After getting dick over the arse. So you're king making. Who's the new host? That's a great sentence. New host, Natalie Imbruglia. Really? It's either her or Rebecca Emma Loggalu. What happened to her? I just don't really like her. I actually don't know who it will be.

I imagine... No, get back to Rebecca Emma Loggalu. I think we can all get back to her. Or Sophie Formica. Yeah, good point. Yeah. I don't know who will be the host next I think the only

I imagine the main requirement that I can really think of is that they'll probably need to have children that's the only thing I'm pretty up for it I'm up for it really

that's what they talk about a lot you know do they how to treat your children all that kind of stuff so I imagine I reckon I'd be great for that you couldn't get a 19 year old

to do it you know what I mean no no 19 year old so Corey Wellington is not. Yeah, in a couple of years. He's very young, isn't he? He got it.

He got it. You've heard the show before, hey? No, so, I mean, it must have been interesting. Are you on set when it happens? Because you're writing. Let's make that clear. Yeah, yeah, I was writing for Dico, yeah, and there was various are you on set when it happens because you're writing let's make that clear yeah yeah and there was a various um you know literally animated animated bits and the like and uh the things like that but no it was really cool actually it was good fun they were really cool

people any backstage any backstage dramas any any yeah the only thing is that it's just boring when you're actually shooting it like tv shows are quite boring to you know when they're live and it's actually happening you know but this was like a three hour shoot that would get edited down into an hour or whatever it was and so yeah

it's best to work on a live show because at least something's happening and you have an end point you actually have to get off air

at one stage or the newsroom will come and kill you and so now you're back working on Adam Hills yeah I'll go and

work there in a couple of weeks And then in about May again I'll head back up to Sydney Hopefully Hopefully That's when Can of Worms is coming back Yeah hopefully yeah Is it Can of Worms or Can-O-Worms?

Can of Worms You couldn't have a You couldn't have a serious debate show Can-O-Worms Yeah Or then you could have a pirate hosting it It is Australian television You could have Can-O-W is Australian television You could have canna worms

Your host, Yellowbeard Canna worms and worms with a Z Yes Amazing You could only have that on at 4.30 in the afternoon Yeah, I was going to say That should be the kids only spin-off On ABC3

That'd be great That's the youth channel Yeah What would the debates on that show be? Tuck shop Is it too expensive? Guys, it has been New Year's Eve. You know, we just come out of New Year's Eve.

I wanted to talk about horror New Year's Eves, if we've had any particularly bad ones. Because I've generally had good ones, but I have had one that was sort of particularly quite bad. Go. It was a year, two years out of high school so last year oh yeah oh my car's done it again

oh Maryborough oh Marybrother let's go to a McDonald's oh we're great doesn't work when you do it yeah it was it was my second year out of high no wait it was

I think it was the year before we finished high school, actually. And that was, you know, when we were in high school, it was that thing where to have a good New Year's Eve, you had to go to like Portsea or Lorne or somewhere. Like that was like the big thing. And it was like, you know, Portsea was sort of like the mecca of like hooking up and like, you know, getting drunk on a beach and whatever. Because that was a pretty exciting time when you're young and it's 12 o'clock midnight on New Year's Eve. You're allowed almost,

you must kiss girls. Yeah, exactly. Massive opportunity. Because he just. Someone. Well, I'm just talking from my experience.

I don't think all your listeners are heterosexual. That's all I'm saying. And there'd be a fair whack of them. I don't think any of them. There might be a fair chunk of them. Fair whack of single white males. I'm thinking. Yeah,

I would imagine some middle class white males. I will say that we're out of extra large t-shirts. What is the... Except in grey. What is the transgender breakdown? You can look it up. I've looked it up. I've looked it up on Facebook. Well, in terms of Facebook fans, we've got about 800 fans on Facebook or something.

And you can look up the stats. Facebook fans, we've got about 800 fans on Facebook or something, and you can look up the stats. And the majority are like male 24 to 33 year old that live in Melbourne. Hello, boys. So that's why our new sponsor Durex has got on board.

But yeah, it is that exciting thing because, you know, when you're that age, that's like, you know, and particularly when, if you go to a single sex school as I did for many years, that's like your only place that you can think to meet the opposite sex is on a beach. Is once a year. Yeah, exactly.

But that's really all you have. And so this is the first year that we were kind of like, me and my mates were sort of like your parents let you go and do that sort of shit. So we had a friend who had a beach house down at Portsea. Me and two of my mates get the train down. It takes us forever to get down there. We get there, and it was a friend of ours who had this huge beach house there, and she was having a group of her girlfriends over as well.

All right, here we go. So it's looking good. But we get there, and she hadn't told her parents that we were coming, that we were going to be there. So then they crack the shits and go, what are these guys doing here? And like nut it at us and pretty much just kick us out of their house. And then we're like, Hey, by the way, we're 16 and we haven't driven here. We, we have no way of getting home.

So finally they go into the garage and they let us pitch a tent in their backyard on the condition that we're not to come anywhere near the house at all. We have to stay in the garden at all times. So then, you know, the mom cooks this like big dinner for all the girls that we're not to come anywhere near the house at all. We have to stay in the garden at all times. So then, you know, the mum cooks this like big dinner for all the girls that are there and sort of makes this big thing about how we weren't allowed in the house to have the dinner. So we just had to go down the street and have fish and chips on the pier, which actually did kind of end up being a bit more fun anyway. And so then, you know, we were at the house.

This has got all the classic set up of like a great missing people story, you know. Yeah, yeah. So we're at the house and the mum had sort of said to the girls, now you're not allowed down at the beach. You know, you're here under my watch. You're not allowed down at the beach. And she sort of tried to pull that on us. She's like, you're going to be at my house.

You're not allowed down at the beach. And we're like, well, good thing we're not in your house. To the beach we go. So we made this big thing about fuck you all and your shitty little house thing that we're not allowed in. We're going to go down to the beach and we're going to become men and yeah. And we walked down there. But what had happened was this is like the year before the cops had come in on the New

Year's Eve and like had this big crackdown on like underage drinking and stuff on the beach. So we get down there and it's dead. There's like four dodgy old men lurking around and that's it. So we've just had to sort of stumble home and get really drunk and then just sort of sit in the tent going, man, maybe we should have just stayed in Melbourne at mum and dad's party. And then the next day I vomited in the cafe at a hedge maze on the way home.

It is shit when it's like a big buildup and then it falls to shit like that. Yeah, that is, that is. Which happens more when you're younger because like I said, that's like your only real. You're rolling the dice, aren't you? Do you still see that girl? Do you know the mum? Uh, I see the girl a bit. I don't see the mum.

Should we go around and just fucking deal with that shit? Well, her husband cheated on her, so I feel like, uh, you know, the world, the universe has taken care of that one for me. That's one for you, Ovisop. Mm-hmm. Thank you. God looked down and went, nail that. Yeah me. That's one for you, Osob. Thank you. God looked down and went, nail that. Yeah, my friend's dad is on Team Allsop. That's why he did that to his wife.

That's also in the Dream Dictionary. If you spew on a hedge, it means your partner's been cheating on you. Well, it was an awful thing where it was in the cafe there, and I felt the urge, so I've rushed to the bathroom, but didn't quite make it in time. So it's just in the middle of the cafe. I've just vomited in the middle of the cafe. And you know, it's like any time if you break something in a shop or you spill something

or anything like that in like a public space, like a shop, you feel like you should do, your instinct is I should clean this up, but you have none of the means to do it. So you just have to stand there while people come and do something about it and go, oh, can I, can I help in any way? And they they're like i think you've done enough exactly and not only are you not equipped to clean it up you're in the worst physical state to do so exactly you're a guy that's just vomiting yeah so i'm standing there like oh and the thing was because it was the first of jan so everyone working at this cafe clearly had a big one the night before no one could be bothered dealing with it so it stayed there for like half an hour.

We left after half an hour and it was just still there and no one was doing anything about it. Anyway, it was a terrible New Year's Eve. I vomited last New Year's Eve. Oh, clang. I went down to Falls Festival as well, do it last year. You went down to Falls Festival to vomit? No, no, no, no, no, no. To do the gig to vomit no no no no no i'd been crook

i've been crook over christmas did you stay there no i i did the tassie one and then i did the the and and my kind of illness came back on the 31st and so i was driving down there and for the 824 to 33 year old males who live in melbourne you probably realize that the the scenic drive down to lawn is quite uh windy very windy and i got about an hour out of there and I just went, I need to, and so I went and just did what I did. And then, but the worst was I then got there and did the show. And so I vomited like four or five times, like before, before it began, I remember having Gatorade and drank a bit of that and just watch it come back out like a slopey.

And even the security guard walked by and said, that's pretty fucking gross, dude. And then I'd go, hey, how are you? Comedy people, let's bring on. And then I'd go and vomit out the back and then come back and go, hey, comedy people, let's bring on. And we were in no state to be. That would be awesome if you did. Hey, comedy people, let's bring on.

Yeah, I was in no state to be funny or anything. And it was actually a really, really hot day that day and everybody was just broken. So the tent was jam-packed, but it was mainly to get out of the sun. So it was just 5,000 people, like kind of that scene from Gone with the Wind where they pan back

and there's all these wounded people who just want to die. It's just a whole bunch of people going... Gone with the Winds of Reference, our listeners will be down with. I knew that that was the fact that there was so many people in that tent, but I didn't want to believe it. They're here for me, not Arj Barker.

Not Arj Barker, me. That is why they're in this tent. Do you have those things that I think Nick Cody would, a friend of the show Nick Cody, would describe as douche chills? You know when you remember something that you've done years and years ago and you go, oh, I can't believe I did that. I've had those chills about things I've already said on this show. I'd have that like five times a day.

And today a couple of times I actually went, oh, get fucked. I'm telling my brain to fuck off. Do you out loud just go, no. I do that out loud. No. I wouldn't allow myself to think of it. So that's what Tourette's really is. Just people who have done a really lot of bad things.

Just remembering back to that beach at Portion. And you're trying to remember it in an angle where you sort of frame yourself in a different way. Like maybe there's a way that I can just twist this. I just pray that no one else remembers it the way I remember it. I hate that all you guys also do that because I thought I was interesting. I thought I was a bit quirky. You're going to have one of those moments later on when you remember yourself. No!

No! Shut up! No! I thought I was the only quirky You're going to have one of those moments later on when you remember yourself No! No! Shut up! No! I thought I was the only one, you idiot brain Why'd you say that? Well, that's all I think of when you're talking about bad news I don't have any spectacular bad ones All I remember is being at that impressionable age of 15, I guess, 16 or whatever And being out, doing that sort of thing where it's a big deal to go out at midnight At the town square in Maribor, at the clock, the big clock, you know, the

clock at Maribor. I know the clock. Yeah, everyone goes to the clock at Maribor at New Year's Eve. So I was out there with like people, friends and some friends that I didn't really know that well, but I'm like, oh, this is cool. You know, I'm hanging out with these guys and they're sneaking off for a few ciggies and drinks. This is, you know, whatever.

And then one of them had to go home and their parents were coming to pick him up. So then all this gang of people went, oh, let's go and convince the parents to let him, you know, this kid stay out. So they all went and went, you know, oh, no, come on, let him stay out because he's cool, you know. And the parents went, okay, well, you know, he seems very popular so we'll let him stay out for another hour.

And then I realized I had to go home as well. And my parents were picking me up. So I'm like, hey, guys, come and convince my parents too. Let's all go and talk to my mum and dad. And then they came to my mum and dad. And then I realized that I didn't really know these people that well. And then these people were like, hey, Mr. and Mrs. What was this?

What's this guy's name? Yeah, he should stay out, I guess. We really want to bash him later. So can you let him stay out? And my parents are like, who are these people? And like, do you really want to stay out? And I'm like, not really anymore. What time was this?

This is like, you know, I think it may have been after midnight. Yeah, right. When you were telling your story, Tommy, I fell asleep. But I, there was no need. There was none at all. I actually realised, you talked about pashing at some point. I don't think I've ever had a New Year's pash. Really?

Not even like. I've sat on this for about five minutes now going, you must have brain. You must have. No. You had a very determined look on your face for the last five minutes. Yeah. I don't think I have. I think something's like, I would have pashed.

Look, I've been with my wife for nine years. So eight years. We would have been together on New Year's, but I don't think as the clock, you know, went midnight that I've been near her and we've done that iconic classic New Year's Eve Pash thing and I've definitely never had it with a random. I'm never done it with a random person. I haven't. So how is the relationship going then?

Well, I think it's been that that's kept us together. That not knowing where each other is. You obviously take separate Christmas holidays. Yeah. You never know each other. I remember having a Christmas pash. I met this dirty... So, me too with Harley's wife.

I remember meeting... I was about to... She wouldn't get you. I was about to... She's probably retweet me. I was about to say, I met this dirty little thing called Mrs. Chandler. Harry Barron.

I nearly missed the New Year's pash with my girlfriend, this one just gone, because, you know, we were watching Regurgitator and they did the countdown and I had gone to get a drink at the bar just before they'd started. So I'm in the line and they go, 10! And my girlfriend goes, quick, come back in a minute so we can do the Pash. And I'm like, oh, I think I might be able to make it

and get a beer before they get up. In 10 seconds. Everyone else's passion, I'm going to be able to make it in to get a beer before they get to one. In ten seconds. Everyone else's passion. I'm going to go and get myself a heavy. You had to make a quick choice. Grog or girl. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah, and they're not serving after midnight, are they?

Oh, hang on. Yes, they are. Should I do an update from last week? Sure, please do. An update from last week. In case you guys obviously listen, but some listeners haven't. Last week I talked about for Christmas, my girlfriend got me a tennis racket. I don't play tennis.

She does. So, yeah, that was just so that she's got someone to play with. So, and in return, I gave her a gym membership. But, but, it was all fine. We talked about it and whatever. So that wasn't my idea. She brought it up originally. So I'm not as bad of a bloke as you may think I am.

But yeah, so that was all fine. We went and played tennis today. So that was good. Really? Yeah. We had a big fight. That's sense. Yeah.

I think I'm too competitive. I think that's it. Okay. Because we had this gay couple next to us on the court. All right. No, what? They're playing tennis. And they're all like, this is-

No gay people listen to this show as we've established. So don't worry about it. They're not going to hear. No, they're playing tennis. And then they sucked each other off between sets. Pretty full on. At least you bought each other presents. Me and my wife just looked at each other and I said to her, I went,

oh, look, I'm tired. I can't be fucked by anything. What do you need? Do you want to need some new clothes? I went, would a hundred cover it? And she goes, no, two. I went, righto. And then I went and bought a new sleeping bag and went, that's what I got.

The fact that you haven't found a link between that and not ever kissing her on New Year's Eve is just baffling to me. It's pretty good. It's the first Christmas I got what I wanted. I'll put it out there again, Harley. How is the relationship going? Steaming ahead. I like the idea of a gym membership being a really kind of specific form of fetish in that, you know, you give your gym membership and you go, I just really want you to shower with other women and come home and just talk about it. I just want you to get really strong so you can lift me up.

Where I belong. But that's the thing. We both agree. We both went, oh, we want to get fit and whatever. So we did this thing where it was like, okay, let's, well, you know, it's very easy just to forget about getting fit and doing regular exercise and stuff like that. So we made this little chart and we're like, right, we're going to run every day. We're going to sort of, you know, do stuff like that every day. So, you know, and I'm like, right, I'm running up the chart and whatever.

So I'm proud to say that this week after the first week of, you know, playing tennis and running and everything, my girlfriend has lost half a kilo. Yeah. And I have put two on. But I'm just presuming that that's muscle. So you presume too much. Yeah. That's, when I was in year 12, I went to Fiji with two mates of mine and we just spent the

whole time just sitting on the beach and just eating shit food and just, you know, just having a real cruisy holiday. We got home, they'd all put on like five kilos and I'd lost five. Like somehow that routine was more strenuous than what I was doing at home already because I was a fat kid. Can I say this? I was a fat kid, Tommy. I'm going to sound like an asshole again.

Oh my God. You've put a bit on Tommy Daslow. Yeah. You had the curse of the Americas. Yeah, I did. I've seen it. I noticed that. I've seen it.

I've seen it before. I didn't want to say anything. I did it myself. Not this time. I think I was a little bit clever this time. But you had more time in America this time. That's true. I did.

You had way too long in the Americas. Yeah. And you... So what are you going to do about it? I'm exercising. Are you? Yeah. You should come and see... Do you exercise? Yeah, I run. Do you really? Can I what are you going to do about it? I'm, I'm exercising. Are you? Yeah. You should come and see.

I run. Do you really? Can I run with you? No. Oh, God no. Why don't you go and shower with Carl's girlfriend at the gym? Oh, you should come to, uh, no. I see what you're playing at Chandler.

You both go to Fernwood, right? Uh, yes. Very good. Power. Made him a woman. Uh, if you want to know how to lose weight, you should come to my new show, Let Zumba, coming up at the Melbourne International. Unless I can get a t-shirt of it, I'm not interested.

I am doing t-shirts in navy blue. Anyway, I think the thing about... I just got that. Yeah, you took a lot. The thing about a man's weight, right? I saw you comment on that, and I saw your look of pain as you heard that, because it's hurtful. It's hurtful for a man's weight, right, I saw you comment on that and I saw your look of pain as you heard that. Because it's hurtful. It's hurtful for a man.

But it's completely acceptable for our weight to be commented on. If you did the same to a woman, it would be fucking hell to pay. This would be over. Absolutely. There'd be no more recordings. Shit's ripped out of the floor. But a bloke's like, you put on a bit. Oh, that's hurtful.

That would be funny to see on the view. Like girls getting stuck into other girls. Jesus, you've packed it on. It's not just because you're a classic chando that you've commented on his weight. That's just a male thing. Men are allowed to have that. Yeah, I feel allowed to do that. But I don't put on weight as well.

I'm still going to kill myself when we're done recording. So enjoy these next 15 minutes with me. Technically, I'm in the right though. Death by chocolate. That is the thing at the footy club or whatever. But the thing is they'll open up, they'll find the dead body and check your ID and go, not know who it was. What?

I don't know. I thought I was going to get a name gag out of this somewhere and I just unraveled. It's been here for a month. It's already bloated. I actually do feel bad to do that. Sorry, Tommy. I take that back. No, it's all right, Chamber.

I forgive you. How old are you, Tommy? 25. You're fine, mate. You've still got plenty of testosterone cursing around your veins. You'll be able to work that off. It's at our age. It's at Chamber's age.

Exactly. Chamber as well. Once you put on a bit of weight now, it's hard. I feel like it's a bit of a combination of, to be honest, I feel like I was putting on a bit before I left and then lonely eating because my girlfriend had left and then plus the Americas. And then I almost feel like this is the year that my metabolism just went, see you, mate.

I feel like it's those three things combined. Because we made a horrible start. We did some all-you-can-eat stuff in Vegas. You know what? I feel like I put on six kilos just in that one night after that all-you-can-eat buffet that we did. Yep. I agree.

I got off to a horrible... I felt immediately fat. Yeah. First day in America. Where were you? What buffet did you attack? Vegas. Which...

We got the deal, you know, where you get six or seven buffets and you can go there for a day. Yep. So we just had unlimited access for 20... Oh my God, that country is disgusting for 20 years and it's yeah it's like you're at a music festival you get a wristband where they just scan you as you go in yeah yeah and you have like eight different types of meat on your plate oh man all that shit yeah right there yeah you gotta you gotta um go and get a bit of everything for some reason yeah so that's what we did for a day but there's like you know after one night we're're like, this is horrible.

What a horrible idea. But we've still got the wristbands. So, you know, we have to do it. Yeah. And you go. You don't have to eat everything. Yeah. You could just have a sandwich.

Yeah, but that'd be a waste of a buffet. Yeah, you feel like you're getting ripped off. How much did you pay? 25 bucks. It was not going to be a waste. You could eat four sandwiches and pay for that No it didn't

It was a bit I think it was like $60 Yeah it worked out I think it worked out like $20 And how long did you use it for? One day 24 hours

Oh righto Okay fair enough That's like a Get fatty Amazing race kind of thing It's sort of like Yeah you have to do it You feel like you've got to have

three big ones at least to kind of get your money's worth out of it Yeah You know That's how they trick you Their game is trying to make you fat.

Yeah. Well, fat people keep the economy moving. True. Very true. What was the, the kind of the size of the people

in the buffet restaurant? Were they noticeable? Um, no, I don't think so. I was too busy looking at the food to notice anything

like that. But it's a fat country. I've not been to America, but it's a fat country, isn't it? Yeah. But can you notice it? You know what?

I didn't. Like in LA and New York, you get a pretty filtered view of it. Like when I went to Disney World, I noticed it white. Because you get people from all over there. Like you get a real cross section. But we did have that thing where we were eating, you know, and putting on a lot of weight and going, oh, how fat is this country? And then it was pointed out to us by a guest of the show,

Paul F. Tompkins, that, well, dude, you're eating fast food every day. Yeah. No one else in the country is doing that every day. Yeah. But we're eating it for three square meals. That's not true. We're doing the bloody supersize me tour.

A lot of other people in that country are doing that every day. I guess. I don't know. I don't know. I didn't see them do it. Yeah. But. Especially not as much somewhere like LA or New York,

but this stuff's good. Yeah, exactly. That's much better than here. I said this constantly while I was there. If I moved to that country, I would balloon out within fucking a month. I have no doubt in my mind.

Like I have so much respect now for anyone who lives there. Felt myself walking into that one. You bought a few. We're all letting it go. You bought a few burgers on Amazon the other day, didn't you? Yeah, I have so much respect now for anyone that lives there and isn't just massive. Because here, shit food's not good.

Whereas there it is. I think here, I regret eating McDonald's, but over there, I wouldn't regret eating Wendy's or In-N-Out. But you're away, you know. Not like you had a little stove or kitchen or whatever. You know, you've got to eat out. We didn't cook for each other at all, did we? Go for it, Tommy.

And it's not like you're ridiculously unhealthy because of it, but it is something that you go, wow, I can't live that way because that's not how, unless you want to be that, unless you want to be the guy that has. This has now turned into like it sounds like you guys are trying to, like, intervention stuff. It is an intervention. I've got a late Christmas present for you as well.

It's a gym membership. How long do you run? I run for maybe... It depends. Like recently when it's been really hot, it's harder to go for longer. But generally... To the mailbox? Do you want to know or not?

I do. I do want to know. Oh, like half an hour, 40 minutes? Do you? Depends. When I used to live near Princess Park. Are you running that whole time? Yeah.

You don't run for 40 minutes straight. You don't run for 40 minutes. When I used to live near Princess Park, I would do a whole lap of that. It wouldn't take that long. But no, I don't run straight. I have little breaks in the middle. Walk run. Huh?

Walk run is a very effective way to lose weight. Is it? Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I wouldn't do it. It looks wrong. Well, because you run in bursts and then you walk, and so you're resting the muscle and then you're ripping the muscle again and then you're resting the muscle and then you're ripping it again.

It looks like, to me, that's for quitters and I don't like it. You know what's funny, though? All the people that talk about all these weird diets and the like, and it's just, you know, have the carb thing or whatever, have five steak a day, whatever. It's just like, shut the fuck up. Just eat less and go for a run. Yes.

Don't burn more than you take in. Yeah, don't do a certain super duper gym thing. Like Zumba, yeah, fair enough, whatever. But like that's not going to do it alone, you know, if you're going to be shoveling cheesecake down your throat. Absolutely. When I've tried to lose weight in the past, that's all I've done is just stop eating Hungry Jacks

on the way home at midnight, not have chips, and go for a run every day. If you burn 1,000 calories at Zumba, but you consume 4,000 in a day, you're going to keep getting fatter. It's not particularly hard. No. All those people going, oh, you're going to put on weight. Well, just take that fucking thing out of your mouth then, mate. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Thyroids know you're fat and you eat too much. And we're very sensitive about fat people in so, like we're not allowed to comment on it. Like we talked about blokes can comment on blokes, but it's fine to go up to a smoker and say, oh, that's a dirty habit, can you stop doing that? Right, but it's completely unacceptable to walk up to a fat person and go, hey, can you stop putting that food in your face?

I feel sick. But I'm not a chance of getting secondhand mustard, though. You are a chance of paying for a higher healthcare system because of the strain they put on you. But even more than that, like the other day I walked up to a black man and I said, can you not be that? What? I can't believe you just compared...

No! No! No! No! How did I become the bad guy? Have you just compared? No! No! No! No! What? How did I become the bad guy? Yeah, anyway, thanks for that, guys. I've already been feeling a bit touchy about it. Not touchy enough, evidently. Yeah, yeah. I think you've been feeling a bit munchy about it. Pretty pudgy.

Pretty goddamn pudgy. Well, how much do you weigh now? Just to make a lesson. I actually haven't weighed myself because I'm too scared. Since the scales broke. It's like when you've been spending a lot of money over Christmas and stuff and you're too scared to check your balance because it's just like you don't want to. I weighed myself the other day and I didn't know I weighed.

I weigh 85 kilograms. Jesus. Is that bad? That's pretty. I'm 115. Oh, Jesus. Yeah. Is that bad? That's good. I'm 115. Oh, Jesus. How many of them is there? I'm 105.

When I was my biggest, I was 115. How tall are you? 6'1", I think. Oh, that's pretty good. That's not too bad. That's very good. 85 at 6'1", is very good. I looked it up on the, what is it, the BMI?

The body massages or whatever? That's right, right, right on the edge between normal and overweight., that's right, right, right on the edge between normal and overweight. So it's not, it's right on the edge. I'm right on the edge as well at the moment. At six foot four, you're meant to be 95 to 105. Right. I'm at 105.

Well, you know what? Last time we were talking about that, the whole simplifying thing, I reckon two years ago, I started to put on a bit of weight and I was 85 then. Yeah, that's right. And I went down the beach to my parents' beach house and I went for years ago, I started to put on a bit of weight and I, and it was, I was 85 then. Yeah, that's right. And I went down the beach to my parents' beach house and I went for a week, I'm going to

eat very simply and run twice a day. And I burnt five kilos in a week. I dropped five kilos in the first three months of not drinking. Yeah, that's, I was about to say, that's the other one for me. Just stripped off me. Again, when the girlfriend left, it was just like, but then again, in America, it's like you're on holidays every day. Absolutely.

What are you doing? Bad m day absolutely what are you doing bad mime what are you doing he joined the choir as soon as his girlfriend went away yeah yeah I'm going to try

and cut that out you don't strike me as somebody that struggle with weight yeah you're very slim I lost 10 kilos when I was in Sydney actually

your sort of people were always slim though Chambo nice well I actually dropped 10 and I got a when I was in Sydney, actually. Your sort of people were always slim, though, Chambo. Nice. Well, I actually dropped 10. I got a feeling. I was like, I'm either really, really healthy or I'm really, really sick.

But I'm a gluten-free guy, so not eating the junk. It's hard. You have to seek the junk out. So is that by choice or you're allergic to gluten? Allergic to gluten, yeah. So it's forced on you. Intolerance? I don't know what it'd be. Gluten intolerance?

Yeah, you can't take all the credit for being slim then. No. No, you're just... You're cheap. This episode has become like if men's health was run by fuckheads. I like it. I like where it's going. Men should talk about this shit more.

Yeah, it's like the biggest losers except also talking about weight loss. And guys, guys, get your prostate checked. Yeah, I was going to say. Let's do it now. Come on. Let's do it now. I was already thinking of doing it. Oh, finger dastardly.

Let's get this going. Let's get the daisy train happening. Human centipede of weight loss. Yeah. That's good. But I think you can take it too far too. Sticking fingers up people's bums. You can.

When you can take it too far too. Sticking fingers up people's bums. You can. It's a good point. You can really ruin your record. I think when you work out too much and you, I think it's fine. Do whatever you want to your body. But you know the blokes that just look like they're allergic to peanuts and they've just had a peanut butter sandwich? Like they, you know, they're just completely, every bit of muscle is completely worked. I'm glad that I threw that peanut butter sandwich out there

And didn't get a laugh Because I just wrote that into a joke And so I won't be using that on stage Oh, you're testing gear out Yeah, fuck you It's seven weeks to go until opening I don't give a shit about you Are you doing gear about the blue t-shirt in the show?

Team Channel? You should, that was good I like that Well, let's go the other way and be indulgent Now, you three. That was good. I liked that. I liked that. Well, let's go the other way and be indulgent. Now, you three are all partnered up, which is horrific because I'm actually the best bloke here. Yeah. I was about to say that.

If you do say so. It's quite horrific to think that there are poor women nosing on you guys. Our fat bellies. Our fat, fat bellies. And would you tell them? Hey, love. Absolutely not. Absolutelyies. And would you tell them? Hey, love. Absolutely not.

Absolutely not. Wouldn't it be on? No, you fucking stupid. You're insane. You say nothing. If I'm asked, I go, you look amazing. Really? Do I?

I feel like I'm put on weight. I don't notice. I haven't seen it. You just look beautiful to me. But honestly, now that she's not here, what's going on? No, she's incredible. And I don't want to speak too much about my wife's weight. I don't think it's polite.

But anyway, when she had the baby, within a month of the baby's birth, she was pretty much back to her normal size six. Did it feel like I got tense there for a second? It did get tense. But this is what happened. I'd already read about this in Woman's Day, so it blazed over. I'm a bit out of focus on Harley. You know, Harley's wife.

I think like you too. I'm just curious. Is it something you would say? Well, how did we lose the baby weight? Yeah, you've still got your... Anyway. So we're walking through Target, four months old baby, buying his baby clothes, whatever. And T looked fit.

She looked amazing. And I was actually quite amazed. I was like, I didn't think things came back that quickly. And it wasn't like she had this intense Hollywood fitness regime to get the body bag. In fact, to the best of my memory, she didn't really get out much. She's fairly busy breastfeeding a baby every three hours. And this woman who we didn't know was in Target with a baby

about the same age, and she came over to my wife and said, Hey, is that your baby? And he went, yeah. And this woman with perfect strangers went, you bitch. And I was like, well, what if I turned around then and went, is that your baby? All right. So you're just fat then. Like that would be totally unacceptable to comment that she still has weight, but it's perfectly fine for her to call a stranger a bitch for being thin. And that's a compliment too. Yeah, and that's meant to be a compliment. And my wife is offended.

And you're like, well, that's just... Good point. Women are different from men. I was not comparing men and women then. I was comparing women and women. No, but you were saying men don't do that though. That was ages ago. Oh, okay.

Remember your own show. Sorry, would you comment on your partner's weight? When you gave her a gym membership. That is for fetish reasons, Marley. Purely sexual fetish. That was pure retail. I didn't say anything. It was just, there you go.

No, but I wish my girlfriend like i've put on pounds before and my girlfriend says oh and i'll be like oh i feel really fat and she's like oh no i don't see it i'm like you're just lying i wish you'd just be honest just say no you you have got a gut on you just get rid of it i'll be like yeah that's fine i'd rather the honesty than a girl going no that's fine i'm like why would you like that why would you like me to have a go yeah that's true why don't you you, if you and your girlfriend have a workout regime you're getting into, why don't you bring young Tommy along? He doesn't want to.

But the only thing is, he would stop and I would be frustrated by that. I like the idea of you two. I like that. You two wearing Team Alls Up, Team Chandler t-shirts and working out together. Spotting each other. That'd be good. Another one, Tommy. Another one, each other Another one Tommy Another one Tommy Another one

I'll do that I'd be like that I'm like that On a tandem bike You guys should have A dumb dumb fitness challenge We should Yeah

Who can lose the most BMI In a certain amount of time But he's got more to lose No that's why I said BMI It's all proportional It's all proportional BMI is proportional Fair enough

I'd be I quite fancy myself As a fitness instructor Oh Jesus No, that's why I said BMI. It's all proportional. It's all proportional. BMI is proportional. Fair enough. I quite fancy myself as a fitness instructor. Oh, Jesus. Do you? I think I'd be good. You know why? I reckon you'd be shithouse. No. I reckon I'd be good.

He'd be so demoralised. Your clients would have the highest suicide rate in any bar. They would leave a thin corpse. I completely believe what I just said. I'll be your personal trainer. Okay. Chambo, do you want to train Carl? No, no.

No, no. I don't want to hang around with you guys. I want to train you, Deslo. No, I don't want you to train me. What would your regime be? I offered, he accepted. Done, Chandler. Move on.

Because I'm not scared to look like an arsehole in public. Because when I go running with my girlfriend, I'll be like, right, we're on a run. We, Chandler. Move on. Because I'm not scared to look like an arsehole in public because when I go running with my girlfriend, I'll be like, right, we're on a run. We're not stopping. So if she starts to stop, I go, we're not stopping. How far do you run? How long do you run for? Well, because I'm running as far as my girlfriend can run. It'll be like... Oh, don't blame it on you.

No, no, no, no. I'm not. I'm saying I'm not going to push her for 10k or whatever. I'm happy going as far as she wants to go That'll be like two and a half to three Okay Which is alright I did the run to the top of Eureka Tower last year Did you?

It's like a charity thing Whatever you do Well actually I didn't raise any money I just paid the fee But But You do five floors And you go, yeah, good.

And then you're just like, oh God. And about halfway up, there was a couple who began, she wanted to quit and they had a domestic in a very tiny little stairwell. She's gone, we've trained for months. We've trained for months. Not quitting. She's like, I'm quitting. Yeah.

It's like, not fucking quitting. Like it's hard enough to watch people have a domestic in public in a restaurant or whatever, but to have them do it in a little tunnel. Yeah, to have them in bike shorts doing it. And they're like, and you're trying to get through as well. It's fucking weird. Do you have a set time that you have to do that in? And they shut the building, the stairwell down?

They probably do, actually. I don't really know. It doesn't take too long. Because it's a big tower. I think the winner does it in like eight minutes. No. Yeah. I think it was eight or ten or something.

Yeah. Well, that's the sort of thing that I'll do with my girlfriend. Like when we're running, I'll be like encouraging. I think the winner does it in like eight minutes. No. Yeah. I think it was eight or 10 or something. Yeah. Well, that's the sort of thing that I'll do with my girlfriend. Like when we're running, I'll be like encouraging. I do encourage. Like we'll be going, oh yeah, you're doing well. You're doing well. Whatever. But then we'll get to a bit where she'll drop off from me.

I'll go, no, no, come on. You've got to keep up with me. Well, you know, we're doing this together and she'll drop off. I'll go, no, come on, come on. And then she'll keep dropping off. I'll go, no, catch up to me now. Wow. Jesus.

And she'll be like, all right, you know, it'll go like this. It'll go back and forth. So the other day I was doing that and I was like, because she used to have a personal trainer. That explains why you've been in a relationship for so long. She's scared to leave. Yes. Horrifying.

No, but she used to have a personal trainer that wouldn't push her at all. And I'd say, what do you do when your personal trainers are? We do a few laps and then she just sits in the middle and eats a hot dog or whatever. Nothing would happen. And I'd go, would she ever say anything to you? And she'd be like, no, she's reading the paper or whatever. Your girlfriend used to do laps of a Mr. Whippy van. Yeah, yeah, that was it.

And I'm like, well, you're on my clock now. I'm out there spending my time with you. We're going to do it properly. I am better at not stopping when I run with someone. They don't even have to be like, they don't even have to be telling me. It's just, you just go, well, we're both doing this together. Let's like, you know, you feel bad. I did this the other day.

So we're doing that and I'm pushing her because I'm like, right, we're going to do it together. And then when we get to the end of it, it's always like, oh, I'm glad. We're both glad that we did it because, you know, we did a harder run and we feel better. You know, you feel great when you finish exercising, you have your shower, get changed, whatever. But we did that and I was pushing

and I was going, come on, we're going to do this together. Keep up with me. We're going to finish. We've only got, you know, like 300 meters to go. It's up a hill. We're going to do it together. This is going to feel really good. Come on. Come on. We're doing it. We're doing it. So then we start doing it and we get up there and she's pushing it as hard as she can. And she just starts making these guttural sounds.

So we're going up this hill fence for 300 meters. I'm next to her and she's going. Because she's scared of what's going to happen to her. What are you going to do if she stops? For 300 meters, she's doing these involuntary animal noises. And did you have a neighbor walk past and go, there are people in the front yard. That noise is very familiar.

Now I know who it is. I hear that through the walls. Nice to put a noise to a face. Every third Tuesday of the month. They're having sex with my girlfriend. I get it now. No, you are. Oh, okay.

You came out on top of that one. Oh, good. Literally. All right. Good. But like we're running up this hill and she's making those noises. And instead of me going, come on, let's do it. I'm just going, shh, keep it down.

Sounds like she's being trained by Matthew Newsom. Shut up. Shut up. Well, I feel like I kind of am at that point where like I have contemplated making the call of just going, you know what? The hell with it. I'm just going to keep this going, just ride it out and just. You're going to be the fat guy. Just bulk ride out.

No, don't do it. You're such a pretty young girl. You reach a point. Society doesn't look at women that favorably when you pack on those kilos. What if you do lose the weight and you realize you don't have a pretty face? That would be really annoying. Yeah, that thing, the large girl. That's a real risk.

What if she dropped those 50s and she found out, oh, shit, I'm a muntag. That was the only thing you had going for you, the buxom chest of yours. Last time I lost heaps of weight, I had gastro. That got me through. Maybe I just need to go home and eat a bit of raw chicken. Just take heroin. Heroin will do it. Okay.

It strips it off. Do you know where I can get some of that? Yeah. I do know a door you can knock on and get whatever you want. Think of the material you get, though, Tommy, if you got really big. Yeah, I know. I mean, I think of all the fat-fired shit that's already been said. Just think about all those jokes that every fat person's already written.

Exactly. Delete this episode off iTunes, and there's my festival show done. Buy a few Hawaiian shirts. It could be my hook, you know? Change the name of the podcast, Carl and the Fat Man. I feel like this is, maybe we should put that up as a web poll. Should I lose weight or should I just pack it on? Who's going to say lose weight apart from your girlfriend?

I need to lose weight. I need to lose weight in the moment and I'd love to do it with you. Yeah, let's do it. Well, I want to do it too. No, you're not welcome. You'll be nasty. You're not invited. I'll train both of you.

You'll be nasty and you'll talk about it on this show. Go yell at your girlfriend, eat a hot dog and stay out of our little bonding club. The first nice thing Harley said to me. I get results. All episode and you're going to come in and try and ruin it. You are making a grave mistake, you fat little man. When you get diabetes, don't come slowly walking to me. All right.

Well, guys, I think that does bring us to the end of another little. We'll be doing a podcast. I thought it was an intervention what was going on well I'm going to go home and have a serious think about some of the choices

I've made in the last few months it generally seems to be what I do at the end of these recordings guys I don't think we've mentioned this yet

if you want a t-shirt email us littledumbdumbclub at gmail.com you can get the extra large one off Tommy's back. Only in grey. We're going to be at the gym

later on this week. You'll be able to see me swimming some laps at Harrah Hall Pool. You'll see me running laps around Central Park if you want to come and say g'day. Guys, if you see him down at St Kilda Beach, do not try to push him back in. Do not do that. Thank you so much Michael Chamberlain and Harley Breen

for coming in and kick-starting this newest chapter of my life. Guys, thank you so much for listening. We will see you next time. See you, mate!