The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 68 - Dave Thornton & Jimmy James Eaton

Episode Date: January 17, 2012

Dipper, Copper Pipes and House Captains. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey, mates! Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. My name is Tommy Dasolo. Sitting opposite me is the other half of the show, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. How you doing over there? Yeah, I'm good. Yeah? Yeah, I'm excited. You're excited, yeah? It's a beautiful, brisk, 49-degree day in Melbourne.

No, it's alright. This is about as good as it gets for me. I think I was walking around outside anything hotter than this, I bunker down. That's it. Yeah, it's pretty. Well, you haven't cracked into shorts yet. I know! I've got long pants on so it can't be too bad. I'm off to Adelaide tomorrow so when this is being heard, I'll be in Adelaide probably.

Yes, should we plug that? You're doing gigs all over Adelaide. Adelaidecomedy.com I believe plug that? Yeah, sure. You're doing gigs all over Adelaide. Yeah. Adelaidecomedy.com, I believe. Yep. Yeah, go to that. That's easy. Yeah. With friend of the show, Nick Cody.

Yes. That'll be good. Yeah. A million times. He's not only on this show a million times, he's actually next to me on stage for the rest of the week. Next, you're doing a double act. Oh, probably. Well, he pops in and up on this show, so he'll just pop in on my act.

Fair enough. Fair enough. I'll have t-shirts as well. If I may be so bold as to plug some things I'm doing, I'm doing a new stand-up show at the Brisbane Comedy Festival, the Melbourne Comedy Festival, and the Sydney Comedy Festival. If you go to my website, TommyDassolo.com, come down and say g'day, mates.

It's going to be fun. And also, we should announce this. Should we announce this? Well, it's not on sale, but you can. Yeah. Dum Dum Club will be doing live shows at the Melbourne Comedy Festival in the Town Hall. In the Town Hall. Town Hall.

Every Monday night. Why did they get a round of applause? That's weird. From people we don't even know. Who left the door open? The cleaners are pretty excited about this. The news came in and it brought people into the studio. God, it's so exciting.

You can't buy tickets yet, guys. Get out of our studio. I just want to clean until it's open. Hey, before we bring the guests in quickly, we've got a bit of mailbag. Do you want to get a bit of mailbag? Yeah, sure. There's a bit of stuff going down on our Facebook page. If you're not on it, join it because we put stuff up on there from time to time.

I do enjoy how funny our fans kind of tend to be on the page. It's a great chance to have a whack at you, Dassolo, apparently. It is. Yep, yep, it is. I'm enjoying, for some reason this week, a lot of interest in our girlfriends. Did you notice that? A lot of messages directed. One guy here going, it shits me the way you guys can't talk about your girlfriends using

their names, particularly Tommy. As regular listeners, we know you have girlfriends just use their freaking names. Yeah. Why do they, do they want to see them? Do they want to look them up on Facebook? Why does it matter? But we have used them before. Like we've, we've let slip.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't know why we don't. It's just, you just don't. I know why I don't because my girlfriend tells me not to. Because generally my stories are, hey, check out what my girlfriend did, fell over in the mud and now she's retarded. Or whatever.

Whatever my stories go like. I don't know. Falling over in mud is the prime cause of retardation. I don't know. Whatever I bang on about, I don't know. I don't listen. Well, then one guy here has gotten on and gone, Tommy, when I was at Disney World this past November with my family, I annoyed the piss out of my wife by looking at every name tag of every female selling glowy toys.

I wanted to get a picture with your girlfriend so I could feel a little closer to fame. Never found her though. Not sure she's real. I think you made her up just so you could go to Disney World by yourself and not look all pedo-ish, which is very, very odd. Yeah, that's not 100% accurate. What do you mean? Well, that's not true, is it?

That she's not made up. That you're a pedo. That you went there for that reason. No, it's not 100% accurate. What do you mean? Well, that's not true, is it? That she's not made up. That you're a pedo. That you went there for that reason. No, it's not 100% true. It is a percentage that's not 100. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. And then he's followed it up with a comment on his own post.

I think she, brackets my wife, thought I was checking out everyone's tits. Which is, you know, pretty fair. That's a long way. It's a long way to go just to look at breasts. I mean, I kind of resent that. Like, you know, if you're just going to go around and look at tits, that's fine. But don't drag me and my girlfriend into it. Don't use us and our love as an excuse to just look out people's racks.

Three months later, he's got back home and he's typed it up on the Facebook page and then said to his wife, see, look, it was to do with Daslo. It wasn't me looking at the breasts. It was Daslo. See? Context. And now this guy's wife hates my girlfriend, which is why I can't name her, because there's going to be a girl out there gunning for her, going, you're the reason my husband was checking

out tits left, right, and center at Disney World. Hey, can we do this? No. I think you've already been told this, maybe. But a friend of the show, you know, this show generally degrades into conversations about your voice and the timber of your voice and maybe your sexuality. Well, not your sexuality. My sexuality.

Your gender. That's a new one. That's a new one. No, your gender. That's it. My sexuality is about the only thing that hasn't been attacked on this show. Your gender. Kate McLennan, friend of the show.

Yes. Been on the show. She had a tale for me last week, which I think she may have told you already, but I told her not to. For context, I was living with Kate McLennan and Toby Truslove for a month while I was between homes. Yeah, and Kate said to me last week that she had her, what was her cousin, female cousin come around, her little...

Her niece. Her niece. Her young niece. Right, a young niece, a very young niece. And said that she was playing peekaboo with a young Tommy Daslow, and Tommy Daslow was playing peekaboo with a young Tommy Daslow and Tommy Daslow was getting right quite back into it. And they were going back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And then it all sort of finished and they said, oh yeah, gee, she doesn't like guys.

Usually she just likes to play with girls. Usually she's usually only comfortable with girls. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know, that's a diss on me. I think that's more of a diss on the kid. Future lesbian. You're looking at there, if that's the case.

Nah, that's a diss on you. Hey, I wouldn't be telling you if it wasn't. Because what was happening, I was there at the kitchen table on the computer doing some work and then Kate's sister and this kid were there and the kid just came up to me and I waved at it and then... She started tugging at your dress? Did you just say waved at it and I waved at it. She started tugging at your dress?

Did you just say waved at it? I waved at it, yes. I waved at the child, yes. I don't want to use its name so it doesn't get stalked on Facebook. We know that it's a mess. Because you're going out with it? Is that why? Yeah.

He's going out with a child. Is this like a certificate to work with children? You just have to refer to it as it? So hang on, hang on. I just wish I knew who these people were. My age has gotten a go, the sound of my voice, all this, and now I'm allegedly a pedophile as well. Is that what's happening?

Don't forget your weight concerns as well. I'm a fat, young, girly-voiced pedophile. I'm feeling like I shouldn't put my own name out on the show just so everyone people are looking me up. All right, let's get into it. Let's introduce our guests. We have two guests for you today. Our first guest, it is his first time on the show.

He's originally from Perth. Now he's based in Melbourne. Please welcome to the show Jimmy James Eaton. Yeah. Konnichiwa, mate. Now, you're not Japanese. Just for anyone who's confused. Just something for the Japanese listeners.

Do we have any Japanese listeners? I don't think we do. I don't think we do. Oh, man. What's Hong Kong for hello? I don't want to be racist. You're trained in improvisation. You should have been able to come up with something.

Stop blocking me. They speak, yeah, yeah. Yes, and. Stop trying to space jump out of this. They speak very good English over there. So it would probably be, hello, sir. I thought they didn't speak good English. That's why they don't listen to this show.

Snabberoo. Or maybe you struggle with you saying, what will they say in Hong Kong? Rather than calling it an actual language. Hey, you, Hong Kong. That voice just then, that was our second guest on the show. You know him from The Project. Please welcome back into the show, David Thornton. Now, I think of memory, what was I on the second, third?

You were number three. That was at RMITV. RMITV. What am I talking? RMIT Radio. Yeah, we weren't on TV and then downgraded to podcast. This is what it's always been. Yeah.

But I do like it now how you've rounded out to basically picking on all of Tommy's foibles. That's basically what you guys have progressed to. Well, you were on the first episode that my real name came out in the open. Oh, sorry. For the true dum-dum train spotters out there. Classic dum-dum. You tried to edit it out because you were like, this is not making the air. And Chandler and I just kept ripping you. What a different show it would be if I had managed to edit it out. you were like, this is not making the air. And Chandler and I just kept ripping you.

What a different show it would be if I had managed to edit it out. Where would the show be now? Let's just recap. Your real name is Katie Allsop? Is that it? Is that? No. Yeah, it's very good.

Ariel, thank you. Ariel. Oh, that was what your mum and dad were going to call you if you were a girl. If I'd been a girl, yeah. Ariel. Oh, wow. Flashbacks to stuff I don't remember. Is your father's name Triton?

Little Mermaid fans. Did you make a deal? If you had gills, you were going to be called Ariel. Is that it? Yeah. My brother Flounder, he really, and Sebastian. What a family. And your cousin Aquaman.

Then he saw Beating the Beast and wanted to call him Candlestick. Here's a bit of news we forgot to mention up the top Relating to an old mate of the show You may know him from his work as sex author Oh, Gene Hackman Oh yeah Sex author's very own Gene Hackman Struck by car while riding a bike

Yeah, that's sad news Didn't that send us into a frenzy? It's, you know, when one of our own gets affected I mean, we don't normally talk about the news Yeah, when someone from such a gets affected, I mean, we don't normally talk about the news. Yeah. When someone from such a great movie, such a sex author gets damaged, that's, I mean, that's, I mean, that could cut out the long awaited sequel.

I am not au fait with this movie. Sorry. For first time listeners and for Dave Thornton, a quick recap of the story was a friend of mine went to an audition for Wheel of Fortune. Right. And it came up with the actor and character. And it was clearly Gene Hackman was the actor. And the character was, there was only a couple of spaces missing, but it was clearly going to be Lex Luthor. But he didn't know what it was and he guessed sex author.

That's great. I don't know if I've mentioned this part on the show Because that friend of yours, Guy Shields Shieldsy, to his friends He came up to me after that episode had come out And said, oh, I heard the story But, you know, Carl kind of Carl sort of stitched me up a bit He sort of told it wrong

Like, he made me look dumber than I am Because the part that he left out is that It said actor and then role And I thought it meant role as in like what the character did, like the character's profession. And I'm like, you should thank Carl for leaving that out because that makes you look dumber. He seemed silly before, but now.

You can imagine him acting it out. It's like one of those Playboy writers. Long time reader is the first time I sent the letter in. That's what Gene Hackman's typing about in the title. Acting it out, you know, it's like one of those Playboy, you know, writers. Longtime reader is the first time I sent the letter in. Like that's what Gene Hackman's typing away in the typewriter. Yeah, that's what he was putting in on the custom slip when he was leaving the airport. Sex author. Oh, okay. Well, good luck in Austria, sir.

It would have been good if sex author didn't fit in the little boxes that they give you. Sometimes they give you when you've got to fill those things out where it's like a box for each letter, where they'll give you like two, like blatantly too few boxes. So you've got to put like architect or whatever. Or you write sex author and they don't believe you and take you into the back room and they just hand you over just 40 loose leaf pages and go, right, end to end, mate. Give us a story. Then they put the gloves on and you get a bit of sex nonfiction going on.

Then they put the gloves on and you get a bit of sex non-fiction going on. So, Dave, last time you were in here, I believe we concluded by talking a bit about IMDB. And we were fascinated with the rankings. And I don't know how to break this to you, but someone tweeted us coincidentally last week to say that they just listened to that episode and you're down to like number 8 million or something. You have plummeted in the charts. Really? And you're on TV more now than you were back then, number 8 million or something. You have plummeted in the charts. Really?

And you're on TV more now than you were back then, which just goes to show. Obviously not impressed. Yeah, this show should skyrocket you up about two places. But yeah. I could do a lot more sex authoring and get myself back into the. I don't know what it's based on because here's the thing, right? It is hard to get things on there. And it's clearly a pretty airtight, watertight ship, the old IMDB.

There was no air or water getting through there. None. None whatsoever. However, this. That's why your water rat's appearance didn't get in there. That's bullshit. I was face down floating dead corpse number two. I did a great job.

You were also in Bed of Roses. Yeah. Is that a show? That was a show. That's plummeting. That's not helping. You were also in Bed of Roses. Yeah. Is that a show? That was a show. That's plummeting. That's not helping. You made me believe that you were.

I bumped in to actually only a few days ago a couple of the actors who stayed through the entire series and I was the son of the main actor. What happened to you?

How come you didn't? Well, basically what they did is they used a little device which probably in the industry can be called sending them to Yabby Creek. Yeah!

Get old. Off to Perth. I went to Perth. I was going to say, if you went to Brisbane, you could have moved in with Scott and Charlene. Nah, got moved across to Perth. So I got a job at Subie. That's what I said to Mum.

Got a coaching job at Subie, Mum. Oh, that's right. You're a footy player. Good on you, Shannon. I said, yeah, talk to you soon. Drove off in an MX5. I watched those episodes because when I had a job on a show, I had to watch random stuff that was coming up on TV

and Bed of Roses came up. I went, I want some thorn bags. Some thorn-o-roses. You should do your own spin-off on YouTube called After Bed of Roses. And it's like what you've been doing. You got sacked from Subie, so now you're working at the Nudie Jeans store. That'd be great. Yeah, my Joey.

That's awesome. It was funny because it was one of my first dramatic role. It was at the ABC. You feel like it's got a bit of cachet. It's going to dig in. Obviously, people know I'm not doing it for the money. I'm doing it for the cred. You feel like it's got a bit of cash, eh? You feel like, geez, I really should, like, you know. Yeah. It's going to dig in. Obviously, people know I'm not doing it for the money.

I'm doing it for the cred. Yeah. So I was like, yeah, I'm playing football. Doing it for the IMDB points. Yeah. Eight million every point. Which obviously paid off dividends. Yeah. And I'm talking to the director and I said, man, because the brand I was just on, I remember

a few days before, and I said, footy player, they've all got really bad kind of sandy blonde hair. Yes. Like, they just seem to grow it. That's right. And, you know, it's beyond five o'clock shadow. It's just half a beard. And they kind of don't care because they're like, whatever, I'm a rough man.

And he's like, you really, you really want to do that? I'm like, yeah, I don't care. We'll color the hair, whatever. But then the hairdresser just gave me these shocking blonde tips. And I'm thinking, at least I'm going method. You know, like I've fully given into this. First party I turn up to, my mate's like, you're a fuckhead. And I had to go to a wedding,

one of my best mate's weddings like a week after. And it's all caught. Yeah, me with this shocking haircut. Are they still together? No, the tips, the tips broke up

the relationship. He ruined the wedding! Do you want her forever? Not if she hangs out with tools like that. They couldn't consummate after seeing the tips. But if you're sort of like,

you've got to be looking like a darrow and you're at a wedding, that just kind of gives you the excuse to just act like a full darrow. You know what I mean? Like if you got like super pissed now looking like you do now, people would go,

he should know better. But if you're there with like moppy hair and blonde tips and a big beard, people would just be like, oh, fair enough. I like the idea that you've done that and you've got the tips you've sent up to the wedding and they've all gone,

oh, you wanker. Look at your white tips, you wanker. And then you go, no, it's for acting. the idea that you've done that. You've got the tips you've sent up to the wedding, and they've all gone, oh, you wanker. Look at your white tips. You wanker. And then you go, no, it's for acting. Oh, you mega wanker. Bloody theatre. Is this a bloody theatre now? No, no.

Guys, acting for a little thing on the Australian Broadcasting Corporation. Oh, triple wanker. Auntie. I thought you said it was TV. It's a bloody ABC, mate. Well, getting back to IMDBb, we're saying it's hard to get stuff on there. Yet that hasn't stopped one crafty scallywag from sneaking in a mini-birography onto my IMDb page. So this got sent to me.

My little mini-birography. Tommy Dasolo is a Melbourne, Australia-based comedian who co-hosts the popular and well-regarded comedy podcast The Little Dumb Dumb Club with Carl Chandler. It's all legit so far. That's great. Don't know what that's got to do with TV or movies, but anyway, good on it.

Anyway, next sentence. She has performed one woman shows. One little letter. One little letter has made that a lot funnier. She has performed one woman shows at a number of major Australian comedy festivals, such as the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. A running joke on the Little Dumb Dumb Club is Tommy pretending she is a male, but maintains her notably feminine voice throughout.

When not performing comedy, Tommy is a reviewer of chicken schnitzels on Twitter. That's not a bad rap. That's sterling word, Chandler. That is very good. I don't know why this is on the end here. With a network of high-profile comedy associates and a quick wit, Tommy Daslow is likely to be a future star both as a writer and performer. I don't know why that's tacked on to the end of a diss.

It's just really kicking me. It's disappointing. They've felt really bad and been like, you'll be right, mate. Come on. The good thing about all this stuff about people thinking that you're a woman, if I ever want to get a job. Oh, there's a good thing? Yeah.

If I ever want to get a job in radio or something by myself and they go, well, have you ever done a show with a woman before? I just show them a tape of this and go, clearly, look. Flippity bang. Yeah, look, it's good. You know, what can you do? Yeah, it makes people happy. It makes me happy. Dave Thornton's voice.

Dave Thornton's got a good voice. You've done a Holden ad. Have you done a Holden ad in something else? Holden Thunder. Yeah. Oh, yes. You know what I used to do? I just wanted to buy a car.

Actually, you know what? And I don't think I'm talking here. You just somehow made my butthole moist. Oh, wow. I don't know if that was the timber of that choice. Quick, where's the dump button on this thing? Wait, you made my penis disappear. That's the opposite of being attractive.

There's a lady present. My stars. I'm starting to figure out where your girlfriend refused to have her name mentioned on this podcast. Man, I don't think I'm talking out of school with this because they've now gone on to go full-time and go quite well at it when Anyone for Tennis, friends of the show, Doody and Jase, they used to work in advertising. So they used to get me all these gigs and doing voiceovers.

Oh, right. Because their advertising firm had the Hungry Jacks account. So I was constantly going in and it was all the rural ones. So you'd be like, Hungry Jacks account. Yes. So I was constantly going in, and it was all the rural ones, so you'd be like, Hungry Jacks is now in buttfuck Toowoomba. You'd get to do all those. Moist buttfuck Toowoomba. There's suburbs in Toowoomba? Wow.

I didn't know it was as big as that. There's buttfuck, itchy scrote. Imagine going to that suburb late at night and being assaulted and the cops rolling up going, what did you think was going to that suburb late at night and being assaulted and the cops rolling up going, what did you think was going to happen? We can't actually put this through as a complaint. Jimmy, you've done

ads. You're an ads man. I do voiceovers in that very studio just across there. And I'm always for some kind of like a tradie, but the upper echelon tradie. So I'm like, when I'm looking for drills for my man, I choose Drill-O-Matic or whatever. Oh, I'm not getting you in to fix my sink. It doesn't sound any good at all.

How is your butt? Is there some kind of moistness? It's arid. It's dry. The Drill-O-Matic. Is that an ad for something in the Jetsons? That's very space agey. It's the new Drill-O-Matic.

Hooray! Yeah, see, I'd buy something off that voice. Yeah, well, that's just my go-to voice. What would that voice sell? Pretty much your ejaculation. No. Whoa! Well, you know what I just had.

I sound like... No, I reckon that voice is selling electrical appliances because you've just, for some reason, completely lost your mind, and you have put prices up. They've all got to go. Maybe carpets. Yeah.

Maybe carpets that have just recently had percentage taken off them. I've just bought too many carpets. I thought they were flying, but they're just the normal kind. Too many carpets. Who does that? I no longer have just enough carpets. Yeah. But you have an adequate sufficiency.

You've also been on the yellow pages, Ed. Yeah. Oh, that's right. The little look at me guy. And I got cloned as well. They actually cloned you? Yeah, absolutely. I think it would be more cost effective to just use computer technology.

Oh, you got me. You got me. There's no cloning. Sorry. I was going to say, is this the original Jimmy James Eaton we've got on the show? This is number three. The other ones are home playing Skyrim. It's like duplicity.

Yes. Multiplicity. Multiplicity. What was duplicity? That was a show on the other night with Julia Roberts. Oh, is it? But we're talking about Michael Keaton. Yeah, absolutely.

The original Batman. Yes. Well, this time around. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's clicking in a lot of people's heads that live in Australia, that if you've ever seen that Yellow Pages ad and seen their Look At Me guy and wanted to kill him, that's the guy right here. In Brunswick.

And his name is Jimmy James Eaton if you want to harass him on Facebook. So just track me down or come and look at me if you enjoy it. Well, you've said it enough times. Did you get recognised? Yes, I do, quite a bit. Really? Still now? Yeah, I do. Quite a bit. Really? Still now? Yeah, I'm lucky enough. I work at a children's hospital with sick kids, funnily enough.

That is funny. And kids always come up and go, Ah, you're the look at me guy. And I'm like, oh, you got me. And they think they're pretty awesome. And they've met sort of a celebrity before they pass on to the next round. Oh my God. Just, you know, do them a bit.

Just do them a bit. Mate, it's like the Starlight Foundation. You cross that out. I imagine that if some poor, sick kid has gone, I want to meet the Look At Me guys. The Make-A-Wish Foundation brings in Jimmy James. And the doctors go, let's probably not concentrate on trying to make that kid well again

if he's going to waste his wishes like that. To be honest, he doesn't shoot high. I don't know. Well, Jimmy comes in and the kid's really disappointed. They're like, I actually just wanted a yellow pages. Yeah, just take me now, God. I wanted to look up some doctors. Do they ever need all your for it?

Like, you know, 80K, page 578. What is it? Jones, Trevor. That would be great. Yeah, no, but then you could bring out the drill bits. Come and get me drill bits. Yeah. Aronson plumbing.

There you go. It would be great if before the audition they just sent you on this scavenger hunt. You've got to come in with a doorknob. You've got to come in with some fried noodles. You had to find all this shit from the yellow pages. The audition was insane. We had to do all these dance moves, and then I had to have two days of dance choreography. And the ad has just been rolled over.

Look at that ad again. Six of me all doing the shittest dancing you could possibly imagine. But that was choreographed by someone who choreographed So You Think You Can Dance. Really? Clang. I was going to say, imagine if that got you on Dancing With The Stars. Because, I mean, they're sort of scraping as it is. It's not long until it's a bloke who's been on one ad.

The dancing guy from the Yellow Pages ad four years ago. Thanks, Nacho Pop. Now it's time for the Yellow Pages dancers. Yeah, get fat. Look at me. Get fat and go on the Celebrity Weight Loss one. You and Dipper. That's great.

I appreciate that you said get fat. You should go on the weight loss. Thank you. Oh, that excess baggage show? Yeah. Man, that looks like it's going to be amazing. Yeah, it will be. Yeah.

My problem is not- Dipper. Can I tell this about Dipper? Yes. Before we do go on, hasn't K-Fed just gone on with it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Does he do that professionally now? Just go to different countries, get fat, and then lose it on different-

Because he's already been on the American one. What a racket. He's been on the American one. Has he? Maybe he goes to another country and goes on a weight gain TV show. Yeah, yeah. He just goes back and forth. He's bouncing back and forth between...

He's in some former communist country of like East of my country that is like, who likes to eat? Welcome in K-Fed. And then just... Just goes on a junket around the world. Wow. Just does Oprah's sort of thing professionally when she would lose weight and gain it again.

Fluctuate. Yeah. Yeah. And strangely, his name is K-Fed. Fed. Yeah. Kilos. Tooth head.

Coincidence. So Dipper... Take it easy, Dan Brown. What's a Dippio Domenico story? Dipper. Robert Dippio Domenico story? Dipper Robert Dippio Domenico For people in Australia Will probably in the southern states More know that he's a footballer

He I don't think I've told this story On the show before But he I used to work at the AFL I used to work at the Australian Football League You've got so many stories

Yeah Anyway Next one I'm getting fat for a new TV show. Dipper, he used to come into the AFL a bit, and I was quite tickled by seeing little D-grade celebrities and stuff like that. You'd get a few footballers in there and celebrities or whatever. And the thing was, their phone numbers would be readily available.

So I would take these sort of phone numbers and get drunk at parties and maybe call them or, you know, whatever or whatever. So anyway, Dipper was one of those numbers where I got the number and then didn't do anything with it. And I was, I met my girlfriend at the AFL and it took us like three, four months. Your girlfriend's Dipper? No, no. Do people want to look it up on Facebook? No, not Dipper.

But here's the story. I took down Dipper. No, no. Do people want to look it up on Facebook? No. Not Dipper. But here's the story. I took down Dipper's number. I put in my phone and went, oh, this will be funny at some stage. Now, I started going out with my girlfriend, whose name is very close to Dipper. And I obviously had that in my phone. Now, we were very secretive. Now it sounds like your girlfriend's a stripper. Oh, yeah.

Rhymes with dipper. I can't rhyme with dipper because it was next to dipper's name. She's a big dipper. Awesome. Do you ride her? No, sorry. Jesus. So anyway, no one at my workplace knew that we were going out,

so we kept it very secret. It was all very private, very exciting and all that sort of stuff. You doggy. Yes. Tell me more. So I would be driving out of work and i'd be driving going through the boom gates or whatever and i'd get i'd scroll through the phone and hit uh my girlfriend's name and go right put it on speakerphone get ready to talk to her go oh we fooled him again today didn't we now let's go and make out in the park or whatever we would do

so because this is in grade 10 yes yes exactly I can see how she fell for the charm of Jan. Yeah, exactly. I worked at the AFL when I was eight and I drove a car. You're like a real life sex author right now. Yeah, exactly. Oh, yeah. This is the audio tape of sex author. Oh, tell me more. Turn over the cassette.

Anyway, I was driving out one day and I hit it without really looking at it properly and put it on speakerphone and was driving out and all of a sudden it was ringing and ringing and ringing out and all of a sudden I got the message bank going, G'day guys, this is Dipper. Give us a call back. Ring the big Dipper back. Whatever. And I went, oh, click.

And then just like hung up and went, oh, no problem. Okay. I didn't talk to him. Lucky I didn't ring through or anything. Drove for about five seconds. Get a call. Dipper is ringing me back. Oh, no.

So then I'm sitting there going, okay, well, I just won't. I'll just click it and make it go to message bank. Hang on a minute. My name's on message bank. Don't do that. So I just let it ring out and was like, oh, it's over. And then I realized that it went through to message bank anyway. And he would come into,

he would work with me sometimes. And I was just, for the next month, two months, three months, just pray that no one said my name out loud when he was around. And when he, when he'd come around, I would just leave the, leave the building. I'd just go away. So no one would say, Hey, Carl Chandler. And he'd go, and you know, it sounds ridiculous. You'd go to the park and make out with your girlfriend. Yeah.

As if he would. As if he would. He'd gotten some random phone call and then rang it back and had gone, Hi, my name's Carl Chandler. And go, whoever that guy is, that name is seared into my brain. And when I catch him. People are crazy. That sort of stuff does happen. Yeah.

That would be fantastic if Dipper went like full Terminator on you. That would be a great story if Dipper had punched me in the face. Yeah. Yeah. And said, don't ring me up again. I'm disappointed that you actually heard his message on his voicemail. Like, I wish you'd been distracted by putting your ticket into the car park machine or whatever as it was dialing.

And then you just hear the beep and you still think it's your girlfriend. And you're like, yeah. Hey, babe. I'm horny. Let's go make out. Yeah. And it just answered. And I said, yes.

Let's park it up. Dipper's like, all right. I'm there. said, yes. Let's park it up. Dipper's like, all right, I'm there. Who is this? Let's do it. I'm getting ready to lose some weight. It's time to unleash the Diplodocus. That is pretty good. You are going to be awarded my own personal brown low.

How many times did you see him after that? Heaps. Oh, that's great. Heaps. He would come in. Yeah, K Heaps. He would come in. Yeah, Kappa. Kappa would come in. Kappa came in once.

So tell the story. I'm going to tell the story about Kappa. Okay, tell the Kappa story. Yeah, Kappa came in because the ghost writer of Kappa's autobiography used to work with us. And he knew Kappa. And once we found out that he knew Kappa we got really excited and we'd be like oh what's he really like

and you should bring him in you should bring him in here you should bring him in here and he loved the attention that was given by the fact that we were excited about Kappa so he started to buy into it

and started to go yeah alright I'll bring Kappa in here and we're like you won't bring Kappa in here no I'll bring him in anyway one day he was coming in on a plane

Kappa and he goes I've organised for him to come directly here and we're like nah nah nah him in anyway one day he was coming in on a plane capper and he goes i've organized for him to come directly here and we're like no no no he's like yes he's coming here he's here in half an hour and we're like oh that'll be fun capper walked in the door we started getting like losing our shit and got really excited we were like oh this is a joke but then when he got there we got really serious and got really excited and he come in and the first thing he did was walk in and we were like starstruck genuinely starstruck by Kappa

and he walks in and goes G'day guys are there any shields around here? I haven't had my knob polished in about half an hour. Kappa! And we just went up as one.

Yes! The greatest man that ever lived Warwick Kappa. Do you know I think Bill Clinton said the same thing in his inaugural speech when he got into presidency

It's amazing So Warrick Capper came in and just held us for like half an hour Whatever he said we were like Oh my god We got him to sign so many things

And then his manager was with him and he was like going Oh I don't know if Warrick can sign that I don't know if Warrick can Oh look Don't harass Warrick too much I'm like What are you talking about?

Good thing he's doing his job Yeah there was like five people there. And he's like, oh, stay away from Warwick. Get behind the boom gates, you know. Get behind the velvet rope. I just heard about you with Dipper and Warwick that you're going to get his phone number and start harassing him 24-7 for sex.

That would be sweet. I can polish your knob. But his manager, because we were at the AFL and it publishes the AFL record, the official magazine of the Australian Football League that sold it goes. And we had journos there and whatever. And once the manager found out that there was journos there, he goes, oh, you guys are journos.

You guys are writers. You work for the AFL record. I've got a story for you. I've just invented this new weight loss technique, and you guys should do a story about it. They're like, well, first of all, why would that be a story in the afl record but but please go on crazy man and he's like yeah it's uh it's great

and he goes and the journalists would be like well can you bring it through the proper channels like and he's like oh i don't really want to go through the proper channels to get it in the in the magazine because it's not really recommended it's not hasn't been verified by any of the medical boards because they're idiots they're dickheadsheads. They won't let it go through. They're like, well, what is it? It's like, well, it's basically a series of wires that you attach to your chest and it gives you, it slightly electrocutes you

every couple of minutes. That is a great pairing of words, slightly electrocute. Slight electrocution. And I was like, how does that lose your weight? It's like, oh, it just keeps your body on edge all the time. So you're not, you know, you're losing weight. You know, your body's working.

It's like, I've got it on now. It's great. And he was like going crazy. I can see through time. It's amazing. There's no side effects. His body was constantly being electrocuted. Wow.

Slowly having a stroke. Yeah. Slowly. It's kind of like a really shit version of Storm from the X-Men. Yeah. Yeah. It's a bit like a really shit version of Storm from the X-Men. Yeah. It's a bit more masculine. You've done something, eh? You've killed someone

and instead of giving you all the shocks at once, it's like, we'll just level this out over the next 20 years and you'll die eventually. And even as you said to put in the AFL record,

I'm sure guys are turning up to MCG in an afternoon downing eight beers and three hot dogs like, oh, minutes on the lips. Yeah.

You could go a few jolts right about now. On the bright side, though, he can charge his iPhone just by touching it. It's awesome. There was the story we were telling before, but with Warwick Capper, I told you I was at a gig. And usually at corporate events, it's always for, you know, it's a Christmas gig for God knows what company, BHP or whatever. So don't swear, don't talk about God, don't talk about race

and talk about anything fun. But that corporate I did where I had to interview Warwick Capper and a couple of NRL stars at this place of all men with topless waitresses. That was like something out of, you know, 1982. It was just the opposite. Like the bloke who actually came to pick me up for the gigs, like, do you get offended by much? And I was like, oh, I don't know. And he's like, Paul, he's going to be some shit here today. Isn't that usually happen the other way around?

You ask the audience if they're offended by what they're doing? Nah. This was like one of those gigs. I don't know why they got me to host this gig. And it was like, and when I was interviewing Warwick Capper, it was like, it was just, I said, oh, I heard you were here last year at this gig, Warwick. He's like, yeah, I was here. Do you know what I did?

Shabby porno. He's like, yeah, I was here. Do you know what I did? Showed me porno. He's telling it in front of everyone. While his manager was electrocuting people. Yeah. And I said, oh, yeah, when did you make the porno guys? A couple of years ago. Do you know how long it runs for, guys? Six or nine minutes.

And the whiz just had his fingers in the air. Dave, I really don't think this was a corporate. This doesn't sound like a corporate event at all. Wait a minute. I do have to think this was a corporate. This doesn't sound like a corporate event at all. Wait a minute. I do have to wear a kimp mask. They referred to them as glory holes, but I'm not sure what they were doing there. Oh, no.

That was no microphone. Yeah, and all those guys said they worked for IMDB. I thought I'd at least get something from it. Oh, God. A couple of points. Jimmy, you do the odd bit of corporate work, don't you? Yeah, man. You're out there.

And I used to have to interview famous people for an ABC show. And there was what, like, I used to do this thing called How the Quest Was Won, where I was the crazy interviewer. And I had to do- Now, this wasn't proper TV. This was Perth TV. Yeah, sorry. This is ABC.

Yeah. Australian Broadcasting. It's not real. IMDb. Is it on your IMDb? Oh, I don't even think I have an IMDb. Okay. I haven't checked.

We'll see about that. Oh, shit. But I had to, like, so basically, like, there'd be an interview where, like, Harry Connick Jr. I had to, like, sneak in different vegetables into, like, the interview or whatever. And hilarity. What? Yeah, I know.

And then at the end, I'd be like, oh, yeah, I said all these fruit names you didn't realize. Whoa. Was that the quest? We got him. That was the quest. We got him. We got Con was the quest. We got him. We got him. We got him.

We got him. We got him. We got him. We got him. We got him. We smashed him. I just thought you're an asshole. But then there was one where I had to, the only one that didn't get through was one with

a very well-known country and western singer. Let's just call him G. Burnigan, who always wears a hat. There was one where I had an earpiece and one of the other presenters was telling me to do stuff during the interview. Hang on. Was it Lee Kernighan? I will neither confirm nor deny.

Oh, that makes sense because it rhymes with it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He wears a hat too. Now, when did he play football? Still playing and singing some great songs. But yeah, he like basically, so someone was telling me through the earpiece what to do. So during the next question, pretend you're riding a horse.

So I'd be like, oh, so how's your next album going? I'm so glad this show's not on anymore. Yeah, I know, absolutely. But then at the very end, it was like, and then I started asking him about certain things where he just had no idea. And his manager, all of us, like Kappa's manager was like, oh no, stop, you can't answer him that.

And then all of a sudden at the end, we're like, oh, surprise, surprise, we were doing all this crazy shit in the background. And his manager was like, oh, no, stop. You can't answer him that. And then all of a sudden at the end, we're like, oh, surprise, surprise. We were doing all this crazy shit in the background. And his manager's like, what the fuck? And grabs, like, goes, turn that fucking chat off. And, like, we were all turning the, like, cameras off and stuff, except for one guy, Robbie, who was still filming. He was like, you're still bloody filming.

And grabbed the tapes and just went out of there. And, yeah, and we were just sitting there like, wow, this is Lee Kernighan. And that's why Lee Kernighan moved to Perth and got a job at the Zuby Jeans Store. One of my great Twitter claims to fame is that, you know how sometimes famous people follow you? You'll be retweeted by someone and whatever. I don't have many famous people follow me,

but I have Lee Kernighan's wife follows me. And every now and then, they'll send me a message going, oh, that was a good joke. And I'll be like, sweet. Thanks, Lee Kernighan's wife follows me. And every now and then, they'll send me a message going, oh, that was a good joke. And I'll be like, sweet. Thanks, Lee Kernighan's wife. What if you just pretended like you didn't know who she was and you just went on a Lee Kernighan tirade one day? You should try and stir some shit up.

That would be bad. Well, you're a bad guy. Yeah. You eat the rules for breakfast. Hey, I just looked up Jimmy James Eaton IMDB. The first thing that came up was Terry Shand. Oh, well, I'll take that. Who died in 1977.

You did that? He's one of those guys who- You killed Terry Shand. I can neither confirm nor deny. Here's some trivia. Composed together with Jimmy Eaton of the song Chin Chin Baby. Yeah, that was us. Well, we love chins and we love babies,

so we decided to finally combine both. What was it like being born in Uvalde, Texas? It was tough. I got a horrible bout of polio, but it's come through. Texas is known for that. Yeah. Hey, can I ask this? So Dave Thornton, you're on the show today.

I've picked that up. I'm playing at home, you're on the show today. I've picked that up. On the way in, I talked to a friend of mine who is a listener of the show, but she hadn't listened for about three months and she was catching up. And I was telling Tommy before that she's three months ago, so she's talking to me like as if it's a current show. She's going, oh, Daslow's girlfriend's not back until December. What's going on there? I'm like, that was last December.

You're listening to a show from October. And she's like, oh, Daslow's girlfriend's not back until December. What's going on there? I'm like, that was last December. That was last December. You're listening to a show from October. And she's like, oh yeah, no, it's good. I'm catching up.

It's all, you know, it's all good shows and whatever. And I said, oh, I'm actually on my way to record one now.

She goes, oh, who's on the show today? Anyone I know? I said, oh, and she knows quite a few comedians.

Right. I said, Jimmy James Eaton. She said, oh, I don't know him. Yeah. Well,

I'm not on IMDb. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I'm sure she's familiar I'm sure she's familiar With Terry Shantz So classic you

Such an unnecessary detail To bring into the story Just to bring Jimmy down She probably doesn't like Good comedians Well To be honest She probably likes bad ones

She did know him And she hates him So I did gussy that up Not a fan of the beatbox Silly voice comedy Only stories She likes straight interviews She doesn't want any carrots Or shit in there She just wants the interview the beatbox, silly voice comedy. Only stories. She likes straight interviews.

She doesn't want any carrots or shit in there. She just wants the interview without any of this where the quest was done. Jeez, you kiboshed the Lee Kernighan beating and then just laying to the bloke sitting next to you. That's all right. I take your laying as love. Much too polite to lay into someone on the internet. I'd rather do it to their face.

Who you will never meet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, and I said, Jimmy James Eaton, hate him. Okay, move on. Big fan. Move on. He's probably going to start beatboxing halfway through or some shit. I said, the other person is Dave Thornton.

And I thought that she would know you, Dave. And she goes, yeah, oh yeah, Dave. Yeah, I know Dave. He doesn't beatbox. Yeah. She goes, Dave, he's got a dark side, I think. I went, what, really? She goes, yeah, I can sense it. He's got a dark side, I think. I went, what? Really?

She goes, yeah, I can sense it. He's got a dark side. He's sly. There's something going on there. Mark my words. Sly. Yes. She said that word, and I said, I don't think I know anyone that uses the word sly, but

she used it. Wow. She said, you've got a dark side. So I've got undertones. Yes. In what respect? Well, that's what I asked. I said, what does that mean?

He's a happy-go-lucky guy. He does the Holden voice. Just a good, easy-going bloke. Holden wouldn't employ someone with dark undertones to their voice. They might. I'll be honest. I see it now. Yeah, do you?

I'm looking into the eyes and there's... He's not smiling at me now. There's something going on. No, that's just the sun on his face. Guys, I'm a bit scared. I think I should upload this file right now. I think maybe we're not going to make it out of the studio alive. Maybe he's the guy who killed Terry Shand.

Oh! And you pinned it on me! That's double slight. You do have a dark side. To be honest, I'm from the future. What's it like? Dipper sent me back in time. Oh, no!

To take down Carl Chandler. We've got a clone and we've got someone from the future in here today. What a double up. Wow. Future boys. What's the worst thing you've ever done? Yeah.

Can you give us any? The worst thing I've ever done? Yeah. Or one of the worst things you've ever done. Have you committed any crimes? Oh, you know, stabbed some cunts.

Using the C-bomb just then was the worst thing you've done on the show. And you stabbed them. I'm just trying to think. Oh, I remember when we were, oh, that was just one of those things. When we were kids, I remember going to like a half-built house around my mate's place and we kicked all the copper piping in and we would have been like 15.

And I remember they were like, we're going to take you guys to court. You are legitimately going to have to pay for this entire house. And that was one of those, oh, I don't think we've done good, guys. How did they find you? Did you put it on your status update on Facebook? How do they know that you've done it? How's this for just idiocy? Hashtag copper pot.

This is pre-social media, mate. This is 15. This is when you actually talk to people. We would just sit around in this half-built house and just think we're kind of a bit cool. And, you know, like mid-teen. So you'd get some contraband alcohol and just whatever you could find you grew up in the depression yeah you're swinging a bit of moonshine and there's nothing more exciting than building sites as a young bloke building sites were awesome because you can kind of it's like a clubhouse

everything was kind of breakable you know what i mean it was like oh and then and then the untouchables caught up to you and got you, Navju? No, well, they. Elliot Ness? We did it. We did kick the pipes in and we just thought, oh, this is awesome. But then as idiots as we were, we went back like a couple of days later, like, let's still hang out in the house.

And then they turn up. Classic dumb criminal move. They turn up with a video camera. To watch your handiwork. They turn up with a video camera. Really? And we're like, yeah, we're filming you. And they're like, yeah, we can't pin you.

Like, we're like, no, they didn't say we can't pin you, but they were like, we've filmed you. This has happened. We got the eerie feeling it's you guys. Like, you know, the courts can figure this out or possibly a current affair. You know, it was like, we got the footage now. And then we kind of went back to my dad's, my mate's dad's place. We're like, oh, we've done this.

We've done this. Oh, we haven't done good. And then they kind of. Is that what started your onscreenscreen career on A Current Affair? Good kids gone bad. Copper pipe. I could be in Jeevy right now. I could be in Jeevy.

They legitimately were like, you were going to pay for all of it. It was like tens of thousands of dollars. And we were just like, oh. How did you bounce it? Mate's dad is just a country guy. They called him up because we all went back to the house, which is only a couple guy. It was just like they called him up because they saw we all went back to the house, which is only a couple of blocks up the road.

And they called and said, we know what your son's done. And he went through them. And we were all just sitting around like, oh, doggies, old man, what a good bloke. And then he gets off the phone and gave it to us tenfold. Like, just was like, you little. And then just ripped through us. I thought you were going to work on the 7 p.m. project until you pay this back. Otherwise you're in Sing Sing and we're going to call ripped through us. Thornton, you are going to work on the 7pm project until you pay this back. Otherwise you're in Singsing and we're going to call you Pipey Thornton.

Yeah. So that's as sly as I got. Wow. I feel really bad. I think my friend could tell that about you. Yeah. She had that copper feeling about you. That's my dark undertones.

That's a nice dark side though, because you're still a good guy. You just got in a bad place with some pipes. Yeah. I've never. That's a nice dark side though, because you're still a good guy. You just got in a bad place with some pipes. I've never... I've seen pipes do that to good kids. Didn't matter how many times policemen have said that to young teens.

Falling in with the wrong plumbers. You've got to stop hanging around these reams and these... You see the kids, they see Mario Brothers, they think it's all good, and then they bloody try it themselves. It's those bloody Armitage Shanks boys again, isn't it? Things that, you know, being a kid and being a teenager was pretty cool because everything's a lot more intense. Absolutely.

Like, when bad things happen, I remember, like, driving to school when I was eight years old, like I was talking about before. By yourself? Yes. Just behind By yourself? Yes. Just behind the wheel? Yes. Talking to Dipper on the phone.

Um, no, but going, like being in the backseat of the car with mom and dad and something happening at school and just going, if I, if there was a God, I would pray to him now and to make me not go to school today.

Like, and it was something like, oh, you know, I broke a window or something. And it'd be like, oh my God, I wish I was dead.

Like, this is amazing. I've had this consistently through my, uh, you know, I broke a window or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God, I wish I was dead. Like, this is amazing. I've had this consistently through my schooling career. You're still at school. For one of the better term. And I'll be surprised. So how's your report card? But I always love that too, sucking up two days before the report came out. Like, sure, this will just smooth over the year that was.

Click A+. But the only thing I really got in trouble with at school was mooning. I would moon all, like, this will just smooth over the year that was click A plus but the only thing I really got in trouble with at school was mooning I would moon all like it was just the thing

I thought it was I think because my old man was so Geelong mooning's hilarious that's how you get into Geelong I was only public

school mooning but if you want to go top notch you had copper pipe hanging out your ass that was probably the real problem that's how they found you.

That's horrendous. And people were filming it. It's all coppery. I forgot I left it up there. This is embarrassing. Hold on to this for a while. But it was like, because my dad would do it. My dad would just moan people and find it hilarious.

Yeah, he would just. What a great man. What a great man. What a legacy. And so when I was a kid I just thought Because it's your bum Like, you know

Everyone's got a bum Like, it's like When you're a kid You can't just go Flashing your ghoulies Yeah, true, true Yeah, and it's like You know

It's just a bum Like, that's what I always thought So in primary school I got done for it And then in high school But I remember like On Moon And then like the next day

Like it got around And then a teacher like Pulled me in And was like I was in big trouble. But then I had to break it down. He goes, what do you think you're in here for? And you're like, I don't know.

I think something happened. It's lunchtime. Can you tell me what it was? And you're like, I pulled my pants down and showed everyone my bottom. Yeah, that's right. That's right. How do you think we're supposed to punish this, Thornton? That's proper questioning, because you're not allowed to do any leading supposed to punish this, Thornton? That's proper cop questioning,

because you're not allowed to do any leading questions. Yeah, Mr Whelan was right onto it at the time. And then they go to give you the strap, they get you to pull your duds down, they get you in trouble again, because you've got your pass hanging out again. Yeah, you go, what are you influencing me for, mate? It's just that thing when you get sent to the principal's office

and you forget that he can't administer the death penalty or anything like that. You're waiting and you really feel like you're going to cop a public beheading or something. Absolutely. The worst thing that happens is, hey, don't come to school for a week. Good one. I remember being in such a bad way one time when they threatened me

with taking the house captain off me. I was the house captain. What kind of shitbox of a school did you go to? You were a leader amongst me. The blind leading the blind. Christ almighty. I'm starting to see how Maryborough went down here. I want to go to your high school reunion just to see the sad sacks that you beat out.

To be fair, I think the only responsibility I believe I had as house captain was I picked the order that people went in for the tunnel ball. I think that was the only thing I actually got to do. Are there still kids that went to school with you that still hold you as their captain? You're still my captain, Carl! And I still order them around and put them in different orders as well.

And then I go through their legs. Oh, that's nice. I haven't been to any high school reunions yet, but I'd be fascinated to see the early ones. It's because you just graduated. Yeah, we're all thinking that. And it was a girls' college. Yay!

And you're fat. Boring. I would be fascinated to see the school captains, when you have your early, maybe your five-year reunion. I was kind of fascinated to see if the school captains still kind of hold themselves with a bit of swagger a bit of like yeah i'm the school captain it's like man it's five years on like some people you have better jobs than get over it mate i've got a podcast what ceo what does that stand for um hey i want to talk about this.

A friend of mine, my friend Charlie, is one of those guys. I don't know if any of you guys have this guy in your group of friends. Charlie? Yeah. Do you know anyone called Charlie? I do. Unanimously, he's a friend who's got bad luck in a certain area. So this made a mind.

Every time we go out for a meal, something without fail is always wrong with his food. And it's gotten to the point where it's like, is every restaurant in Melbourne in on this? Because it's just gotten to the point where it's ridiculous. Like the first time it happened, we all went out, we all ordered a Parma. Ours will come out and they're huge. His comes out 10 minutes later and it's like half the size. Like the thing where it like had to be a joke because it's like you wouldn't, there's no way you could serve that and think that's an appropriate size. So then, you know, we'll all order something crazy and a bit difficult.

He'll order something just, you know, an entree that's like super simple. His comes out 15 minutes late. Just all, like it's cold, like everything goes wrong for him. Recently we went out and his food's come out first and we're like, oh, the curse has been broken. And he looks down at his burger and goes, ask for it with chips instead of wedges. Oh, what? Now you're just being unfair.

It's still potato. He's projecting it on himself. Just constantly. So the other night, Friday night, he's at home alone, and he orders a pizza, and he's got the Pizza Hut app that you can, like, you put your details into it, and you put your address in, and you, you put your address in and it just sends it automatically. Hashtag lazy.

Yeah, exactly. So he does that. He puts his stuff in, orders his pizza. He's waiting for like 45 minutes, an hour, hour and a half, still not there. Gets onto him and looks it up. Turns out it's been sent to, he's had it sent to Victoria Street, Windsor, and it's been sent to Victoria Street, Windsor in Brisbane. Which the more I thought about it, cause he'd, because you have to put your credit card details in,

he's already paid for it. So I just love this image of a bloke just hanging out at home by himself on a Friday night. Ding dong, here's your pizza. Yeah, okay, great. Just taking it. It's probably his alter ego, who's another Charlie who just has great luck. He's like, geez, I'm a bit hungry.

Ding dong. Fucking lucky Charlie. We've been going parallel for all this time and then finally they've intersected. Oh, I didn't want wedges, but I got chips instead. Yes. I was talking to him about it the next day. I've never seen anyone so flat out angry about something before. Is it only food luck or is it all food luck?

No, it's only food luck. Yeah. I'd love that, mate. Like when that happens to a mate when you were all ordering food. Oh, it's, no, it's only food, like, yeah. I'd love that, mate. Like, when that happens to a mate when you were all ordering food. Oh, it's great. Oh, when he gets it late. I used to cop that with my mates, and it's one of those things where something happens once, and then they go,

Latesy, you're the guy that gets everything late. It's like, I got my spaghetti late once. They're like, yeah, you always get your spaghetti late. And you're never going to forget it. Hey, look at you. That's how I felt this thing would be. Like, I felt like it was like as soon as we start making fun of him about this a lot, then it's just going to stop happening.

But it's been like two years. Yeah, right. Every single meal we've had out together, it's flat out like all the time, constantly. It's crazy. Man, my old housemate who, we live in like a three-story kind of terrace apartment thing. I'm in the bottom level, and it's actually been flooded twice when I've lived there. Oh, really?

Just because of the shit-ass weather that's been happening lately. And it's always about February, March. And both times, my old housemate, he's like, I don't know if I'd help him out in the same. Like, he's there, and he'd be bucketing water. I've never been home. He's been there, and he's bucketed the water out and kind of made sure my room's been okay and everything like that.

But we loved just busting each other's chops and like when he moved out he was kind of really busy because we bought a house and they were really and i've called him a couple of times but it was just the midst of work or trying to still figure out the move and just really busy and then when we had a massive like there was rain for a good 24 hours and it was ridiculous that's the only time he called me back was like, has it flooded again? Just wanted to hear how shit my life was. It's like, oh, you got a good mate. Is that just a story about Carl? Because that sounds...

Oh, hey. I love it when it gets really hurt when they just get the task. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You were the one who started all this. You are Damien, all right? You're the house captain. You should be able to take this kind of shit. I want this all on my terms.

You've got to make the hard decisions. Look at the prefect here getting all sensitive. Do you still have your badge? I think I do somewhere. Oh, yes. Why would you chuck out your badge? No, I've still got mine. I was arts captain with a friend of the show, Xavier Michaelides.

Oh, really? Halfies. And when we put them together, we formed this Voltron. It was awesome. And if you put both of you together, you still don't have any hair. Oh, what? He just doesn't care, does he? Oh, you got me.

Arts captain? Yeah, arts captain. What does that mean? So it's captain of the arts. So if there's any art, like bad art shit going on. Oi, arts captain. What does that mean? It's captain of the arts. So if there's any bad art shit going on. Oi! Stop it! You painting that picture!

Slow down! You get to pick who's in the painting team this week. We've got to sort it out. You administer pen licenses. Yeah. Oh, yeah? Paintbrush licenses. No, sadly not.

We didn't get that kind of power. What is it? Arts club? This is in high school, though. But arts captain. So we did all the plays and stuff. Captain of a play. You still haven't addressed what the captain means.

Yeah. We were in charge. We sorted it out. Captain of a play. Of anything creative. Jimmy, I went to a good school as well, so I know what you're talking about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And in terms of pen licenses, I've never got mine.

Oh, what? And I use pens, so I can take that, Mrs Mulherin. You've put that on the record and now the fuzz are going to come for you. They are going to bust me. That's the bad thing that I've done. Did you guys wear blazers at your high school? Yep. And did you have that thing where you'd try and rip off people's pockets off their blazers?

Yes. Kids would do that. I was the captain of that at my school. But that was the thing. You'd get double points if you ripped off, because at ours, if you had house colours or your prefect, you had, like, a little fancy thing on the pocket of your blazer. And if you managed to rip that off someone else's,

that was, like, bonus points. And there'd be a bit of a thing at the end of the year of, like, bringing out all the different, like, blazer pockets that you'd ripped off. Oh, your collection. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're the similar thing. People got really competitive about it. Maribor High School, if you punch someone, you got to go home early.

Is that something? Well done. Is that why you became captain? Because you'd punch the least number of people. Yeah. At Belmont High School, you just had to kick the shit out of someone, get a free chocolate Big M because it entertained us for lunchtime. If you vote for me, you won't get as hurt.

Did I ever tell this before? When there was a guy we went to school with that we got very interested in. I'm sure I've told this before. About the guy that opened up a grave and chopped off someone's hand. No! No, not at all! What? There was a guy that sort of got a bit tormented at school.

And honestly, I know you're going to think that I was the chief, I was the captain of it. I wasn't the captain of tormenting. Don't even bother. Don't even bother with that preamble. I really wasn't. Don't bother. You're wasting your time.

Okay, well, this is what happened, right? There was this one time there was this guy that he was just a bit hoped. Oh, he was the guy, I think I've told the story about how he used to make up stories and he told stories

about finding a ghost town. He walked into a cave and touched a wall and it opened and there was a ghost town in there. It wasn't a guy called JJ, was it? No. He went fishing and he chucked dynamite in a lake

and every fish flew out of the water and he caught them all in his boat. And they were already caught. He's trying to catch a roadrunner and painted a tunnel. Jimmy, I like how you're trying to make these stories stupid of what they are, but it's not going to happen.

These stories are ridiculous. They are the paramount of stupid. Yeah. And the other story was that his dad, no, his grandma accidentally started up a motorbike and it flew off and she was flying sideways off it and it hooked up an old grandpa and then there was like a totem pole of old people hanging off this motorbike. That's not my friend who, during Xanadu.

That wasn't like your friend. That never happened to your friend. During Xanadu, he got up and started dancing and the whole audience started dancing as well. And they all to your friend During Xanadu He got up and started dancing And the whole audience Started dancing as well And they all started This real life Xanadu There's nothing like that story

Yeah and then He went outside And blew up a lake And some fish came down You are the captain Of shit comparisons Vice captain So anyway

It sounds like your friend Is Wile E. Coyote Yeah I don't know if I said that Last time you told that And every time you saw it Would you go Aye aye aye I just want to So anyway It sounds like your friend Is Wile E. Coyote Yeah I don't know if I said that Last time you told us And every time you saw it Would you go Aye aye aye

So this guy right He You already know I've painted a picture Of what sort of guy This guy was Shit picture So right

Oh man It's a little mud mat I don't think the arts captain Licensed you to Paint that picture That painting is So Sorry if there was no room

For a Yoda voice in that story. I'm sorry. Just quickly, do you reckon high schools now, how long is it before there's a podcasting

captain at high school? That's got to be starting up pretty soon. He comes in and presses the record button. So, this guy, he got,

you know, a bit tormented because he was a ridiculous kid. Because no one would believe his stories. Yeah, yeah, exactly. So one time,

there was about a dozen of my friends that just got the big hose that was on the oval and just wrapped him up in it, wrapped him up in it, and then played tug of war and just crushed him. Anyway, I wasn't part of it. You were. Yeah, you were. You would have been part of the tug of war. You would have been overseeing it.

I wasn't the captain. Good one, boys. Good one, boys. More people on that side. No, I was. The captain of lifelong trauma. A little bit of intelligence kicked in with me and I went, I can see. I can see how this is going to go down badly.

A guy's being strangled in hose. I can see this. Wasn't that another classic thing when you were growing up where you'd be sky-liking around and going, Oh, how funny is this? We're kicking this guy around. Oh, we're doing this. And then there'd be that split-second moment where you could see shit going down. The split-second moment where you realised this is going to go badly. Where all of a sudden you'd just go from thrills to just, Oh God, no.

In a flat-out horror. And then you have those moments where you wish to God, oh, if I could get out of this. Yeah, yeah. But it's right before it happens when you know it's going to happen. Like, you've been, you know, doing whizzies or whatever, and someone's up in there, and you're like, how good is it that they're up in there? Oh, no, he's going to crack his skull. Bang.

Oh. Yeah, yeah. So this all happened, right? I didn't have anything to do with it. But when everything went down, they got everyone into the principal's office or whatever, and I got dragged in there, and I was like, I honestly didn't have anything to do with it. They're like, yeah, but you would have. And I'm like, I didn't.

And there was guys that were in the thing that were dragging me and going, nah, you were in there. I'm like, I wasn't in there. I wasn't there. This has got Chandler's fingerprints all over it. Exactly. They found a little fragment of a stripy shirt and went, ah. So anyway, this kid, that's what happened to this kid. The old stripy shirt.

And we'd be like, oh, well, it's a bit of a laugh, whatever, this guy. Anyway, I moved on when I went to uni. It was like first year of uni and I was like saying to people, oh, I come from Maribor and they're like, oh, Maribor, whatever. And then like a couple of days into it, front page of the Herald Sun, of the big newspaper, Like a couple of days into it, front page of the Herald Sun, of the big newspaper, it went, oh, this kid that I knew, this kid had dug up a grave in Mirabara, chopped off the hand of a woman who'd just been buried,

and was using it as an ashtray. What? Oh, my God. And that was the same guy. You have told that on the show, but not with the preamble. Right. The fact that you were the one that made him go crazy. I didn't do it! I held on to house captain, so I couldn't have been guilty.

It's more about the dodgy nature of your school than it is about your qualities. He cut a woman's hand off and used it as an ashtray. The only person that could have been house captain and replaced me was the guy in the middle of the hose. I can imagine Stanley going, you're going to take the fall for this one. I'm going to keep face. I'm the captain. Yeah, exactly. The volleyball team is a winning team.

I'm going to keep this up. Who's your captain? Man, that is horrendous. Yeah. It's absolutely horrendous. How did they catch him? Oh, I don't know. I guess it was probably a Thornton thing where he's still sitting there playing with the

hand on top of the grave, making it a hand puppet going, I dug you up, didn't I? Yes, you did. I'm your friend. I'll never have a tug of war with you. And folks say if you drive through Maryborough to this day, you can still hear him screaming, Chandler! You've beaten me in the volleyball too many times. Now I've got three hands.

Guys, that brings us to the end of the program for another week. Thank you very much, Jimmy James Eaton. Thank you. Thank you very much, Dave Thornton. Thanks, guys. You lads that have stuff coming up to plug. Jimmy, what have you got coming up?

Yeah, man. I've got a show in the Melbourne, Sydney and Perth Comedy Festival called One Small Sketch for Man. I see what you've done there. And when's this going out? Wednesday. Wednesday. I'll be at Soft Belly on Thursday. Get on it. If you're in Melbourne and you've gotten there. And when's this going out? Wednesday. Wednesday? I'll be at Soft Belly.

Oh. On Thursday. Get on it. If you're in Melbourne and you've gotten this the day it comes out, tomorrow night you can see Jimmy James Eaton. And The Big Hoo-Ha, which is February 2nd. Yes, get on it. Get on that.

If you want to see more of Jimmy James Eaton, Dave Thornton, what have you got coming up? I've got my live show, The Son of All the Parts, which will be playing in Adelaide and Brisbane and Melbourne during all their respective comedy festivals. They're now a very sly comedy. With comedy with a dark side. Just underhanded.

Free copper piping with everything. What happens? It's like Cluedo. I kill one of the audience members. With a copper. With a copper pipe. It was Thornton in the abandoned half-built house with some copper piping. With the piping and the slimes.

It was Chandler on the oval with a hose. Carl, you're in Adelaide this week. If you're just getting onto this in time. 17th to the 20th or something like that. Yep, yep, yep. You and Nick Cody. I've got T-shirts. I'm bringing T-shirts.

Bring T-shirts. If you're overseas or somewhere in Australia that's not Adelaide or Melbourne and you want a t-shirt, littledumbdumbclub at gmail.com and we will get one to you. Guys, thank you very much for listening. We will see you next time with more dickheadery. All together now. See you, mates.