The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 69 - Peter Warsaw & Jeff Kiev

Episode Date: January 25, 2012

Serbian Princes, Nick Cody Gets Fat and Vanessa Amorossi Trashes La Porchetta. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey mates, welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. My name is Tommy Dasolo, sitting opposite me, the other half of the show, Carl Chandler. G'day dickhead. Two very special guests with us in the studio today. They've been on the program a couple of times before. You may be familiar with their work. Friends of the show. Friends of the show.

Number one friends of the show. Best friends of the show. Parents of the show. Please welcome into the studio Peter Warsaw and Jeff Kiev. Yeah! That's us. That is us. That's us.

That's us. That's our non-deplumes. Look, bad news, guys. Everyone's cottoned on to the fact that we're assholes, and I don't think we're going to be able to have guests on the show anymore. So it's probably just going to be me and Carl from now on. That's it. No more Deadwood, folks.

It's just the cream. Just the cream. Yeah, we've risen to the top. After 68 other episodes, we've finally risen to the cream. Just the cream. Yeah, we've risen to the top. After 68 other episodes, we've finally risen to the top. I know some people out there might be expecting big things from the fact that this is episode 69. But unfortunately, we're unprepared. Well, we'll see. It's very fortunate.

Hey, this is Distilled Dum Dum Club. This is like no one stuffing up the show. It's just pure. This is what the punters want. It's been a while, hasn't it, since we've just had a pure stream. It's just there's internationalists listening in going, well, thank God we don't have any more open micers from Melbourne wrecking the show.

Like, oh, they can do five minutes down at Spleen on a Monday. Oh, get them in for a gab fest. No, we want the two main men. In a sentence pitched at internationalisters, you've mentioned spleen, you've used the word gab fest. Gab fest is American, isn't it? Is it really? It sounds pretty Aussie.

Does it? No, gab sounds like American to me. I don't know. For any international listeners, I am doing shows at the Brisbane, Sydney, and Melbourne comedy festivals. Please come along and check them out. The show is called Pipsqueak.

You can get tickets from all those different festivals' websites. They're on sale now, except for Sydney. And I did mention last week that you can find all the information on my website, TommyDassolo.com. Thank you to the person who pointed out to me that I shouldn't plug things when my website has been hacked and I still haven't gotten around. It got hacked. What do you mean?

It got hacked by, this isn't me. By the real Tommy Dasolo. This isn't me. The real Tommy, the birth name of Tommy Dasolo, the real one. By Ancestry.com saying this is bullshit, put your real name on here. Yeah, by the Italian government going, he is not one of ours. The Italian program on SBS, angry that I couldn't do that interview for them. No, this is a true thing.

This isn't like my spin on it. This is what, because it got hacked in that way where I went, someone sent me a thing on Twitter on Christmas Day of all days saying your site's been hacked, and I went on there and it was just- You're on there. You said, sorry, mom and dad, halfway through my roast. But yeah, I'm Gen Y. I'm going to go and check my email.

Yes. I got on there and someone's like, they've done that thing where they make a point of the fact that they've hacked it. Like they put this holder page up where it's like, yeah, we got you. And there was like a picture of a skull and crossbones and they like claiming to be Serbian princes or something like that. Really? Like I got properly done. Yeah.

Are you sure you just didn't accidentally visit princeofpersia.com and you're playing a game there? Or I got really drunk and just, I'm going to redesign this thing. Yeah. Did Pac-Man hack your page as well? No, it was Mrs. Pac-Man. Ms. Ms. Pac-Man and Donkey Kong Jr. teamed up to take down TommyDassolo.com. Oh, Duke Nukem, he's got me again.

So, brother of John, so yeah, it's, uh, it's, it's down at the moment and, uh, I haven't, I haven't had reliable internet access for a while, so I haven't been able to, um, get the, retrieve my password from those scoundrels, scallywags, ne'er-do-wells. I say that that's a new challenge for, instead of, uh, wrecking our careers on, on IMDB or Wikipedia, just as soon as Tommy's page is back up, please guys go to work. The best hack you can. Don't leave. or Wikipedia, just as soon as Tommy's page is back up, please, guys, go to work. The best hack you can. Don't leave.

Yeah, leave an awesome signature on his page. I know for a fact that members of Anonymous listen to this show. You don't know what that is, do you? No, I don't. They're like a big hacking group. Yeah. They do all sorts of stuff. Yeah. They're like online terrorists.

That's good. You're turning the TV off in the studio just to make sure that you're giving me 100%. Yeah, I was just looking out of the corner of my eye. I saw Sheldon started getting covered by cockroaches on Big Bang Theory. I thought, if this shit keeps up, I'm going to be buckly. That's a secret for listeners of the show. We always have the Big Bang Theory in here to inspire us to be funny during the show. Usually, we just copy what they say on screen.

So, yeah. during the show. Usually we just copy what they say on screen. So, yeah. So, yeah, if you want to get tickets to those things at the festivals, you can hit me up on Twitter or Facebook and I'll have all the details up there. Give money to hackers on TommyDasslow.com. My site is back up. Also, big news.

We sort of announced it last week, but they are on sale now. The Little Dum Dum Club is doing shows every Monday night of the Melbourne International Comedy Festival in the Melbourne Town Hall, 8.30pm. It's going to be a lot of fun. It couldn't be any bigger. We're at 8.30 in the Town Hall. This is like El Primo spot in the whole festival. I think they may have kicked out Arj Barker to get us in there.

Yeah, we're in the conservatory, aren't we? We're at the MCG. No, we're not. But 8.30, and it's a big venue. It's a big suplex. So we need all friends of the show, even people who hate the show. People are going to be annoyed at us for plugging this every week from now on. But we do need to make it clear, this is costing us a lot of money to do.

So please, if you could come down and see at least one of them. Or just hack the ticket website so we've got an excuse why we don't sell any tickets. I'd love it if those, the only way I would be okay with my website being hacked by Serbian princes is if they were listeners of the show. Are they holding your blog rants? What's happening? How do they do? Tweet about food more.

Horrible. I don't know what that was. That was like an impersonation of Xavier Michaelides impersonating someone. Impersonating someone we don't know. So I'm just being racist about someone from Perth, ultimately, is all that's happening there. That's cool. Yeah, come down. The shows are going to be great.

Last year at the festival, we had Will Anderson and Hannibal Buress do our live show. This year, you know, we've already got some stuff lined up. It's going to be... Big names. People doing the festival, people not doing the festival. Yeah, we're keeping a few up our sleeves. We should keep that. Some of them are even as good as the guests we have today.

We promise it won't be just me and him. How depressing would that be? Out of a whole festival, everyone's around, and Mondays, everyone has the night off, and we still can't get a single goddamn soul to come out and do it. Yeah, we just pull people out of the audience. Yeah, no, it's going to be awesome. So, guys, that's on Ticketmaster and all that sort of stuff. It'll be in the guide when the Melbourne International Comedy Festival guide comes out, whatever.

It'll be very easy to figure out. Yes. Hey, so on top of that, also the T-shirts. I think we may have mentioned the T-shirts once or twice before. But that leads you to... Another thing that we're going to keep repeating because they cost us a lot of money. Yeah. Exactly.

And so, yeah, I can move in my house. So that leads me into... I was in Adelaide last week. I did a run of gigs in Adelaide, the lovely run of gigs in Adelaide, um, that you can do that you've done before, Tommy. Um, I went over there with friend of the show, Nick Cody. Um, and that was a lot of fun. The gigs are, you know, a lot of fun.

And the great thing was that we've got a lot of, um, listeners in Adelaide. We do. Yeah. Yeah. And, um, so a bunch of them, we had listeners every night come out to the gigs and come and say hi and all of that stuff.

I forget her name, but did you meet, there's one girl who emailed me going, hey, I'm your only dum-dum listener in Adelaide. And I went, well, we have a few.

And she goes, no, you don't. I'm the only one. I'm like, I've gotten emails from others. And she goes, I'm going to go see Carl. I'm going to prove to you that I'm the only one. No, she wasn't.

From Adelaide who listens. Is that Alicia? I can't remember her name. I think it might be. Yeah, yeah. No, no, no. She's not going to listen anymore. I couldn't even remember her name.

So that'll make her happy. We had more. We had more. Yeah, no, we had more. We sold, I sold shirts. Yes. Yeah. We had some good friends of the show come along and have a look.

And we should mention if you, if you're in Adelaide and you listen to this, go and check out some of the Adelaide comedy gigs because they are great. Sure. Friends of the show are on all the time. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, they were great. Great. And we sold shirts.

And we even sold one grey shirt, which was... One? Yeah. That's pretty good. Pretty good. Pretty good. So it was funny, though, because obviously we've mentioned before they've been harder to move, and I'm blaming that squarely on you.

That is Team Allsop that's holding us back. See, I've been thinking about this this week. You hold me solely responsible about this, and you keep mentioning on the show how shitty the grey shirts are. But you've fronted up all the money for these out of your own pocket. That's why I'm blaming you, because I'm angry. But it's a stupid technique. You should be wanting to push them harder so that for these out of your own pocket. That's why I'm blaming you because I'm angry. It's a stupid technique. You should be wanting to push them harder so that we get rid of more of them.

You get them out of your house. I'm not bagging the shirts. The shirts are fine. I'm bagging your choice because I've got to blame it on someone. God, I've got to. I had to tell my girlfriend it was someone else's fault why we've got so many of them in my house. This is funny, though, because Craig Egan runs Adelaide Comedy and he's a friend of the show. He listens.

He made a big trip up the country and listened to like 25 episodes in a row or something like that. And then he ran into a kangaroo and his car is now undriveable. So I like to think that we're in part responsible for that. Yep. So he, at the end of're in part responsible for that. Yeah. So he, at the end of the week of gigs, it was great. It was a very fun week and whatever. And at the end I said, hey, would you like a shirt?

Because, you know, you listen to the show and I'd like to thank you for having us and whatever. And he's like, yeah, yeah, I'd love a shirt. I'd love a shirt. And we'd actually sold, I'd actually sold quite a few shirts during the week. So I said, look said look i you know what size are you and he said i'm a large and i went okay what color do you want and he's like navy and i go oh look i've i'm out of night i'm out of um large navies um i'm out of medium uh navies as well um but i've got large and medium in grey. And he went, I could probably squeeze into a small navy.

So I can't even give the grey ones away. I'm happy now that that kangaroo hit his car. I sent that out there. I went back in time and sent that out there. Preemptive karma. Yeah, preemptive kangaroo karma. Oh, man. I still think they look, I like them.

You convinced me at the time. you convinced me at the time. You convinced me at the time. But then, yeah, we just haven't... Everyone just loves the Navy, which is... Well, they love Team Chandler, either one. I'm not sure. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah.

But anyway, it was good. Plenty of dumb dumb pencil. It was great. So you were there with a friend of the show, Nick Cody. Yep. And this will tie in, interestingly. It is interesting timing that you went over there because people who've been listening week to week will know that we've been discussing our fitness and our weights.

And we've both been on a bit of a, you know, trying to exercise more and eat better. Do you look a little bit better this week? I've been doing a lot. Yeah, right. I think you might look a little bit better. Yeah. So we've been talking about doing a lot. Yeah, right. I think you might look a little bit better. Yeah. So we've been talking about that a lot. And then if you've been listening far back enough, you will know that to us, Adelaide

is the land of 24-hour bakeries. Yeah. That's all it is there for. It's like Vegas for pastry. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, what happened was- They need to set them all up in the one strip.

Yeah. And everyone's got like a ridiculous landmark. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's the Eiffel Tower Bakery. And there are hotels. There's the medieval bakery. Yeah, what happened was- They need to set them all up in the one strip. And everyone's got like a ridiculous landmark. There's the Eiffel Tower Bakery. And their hotels. There's the Medieval Bakery. Yeah, yeah. There's Bill's Gambling Bakery. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They've all got a show in. Strippers inside the bakeries. Penthouse Sweets. That would be awesome. You've got Elton John doing a little show next to the Cheese Kranskys. Yeah, yeah. No, you've got theton John doing a little show next to the Cheese Kranskys. Yeah, yeah. No, you've got the Australian equivalent though. So you've got Guy Sebastian, Den of Villies, Den of Villies Bakery.

Oh, man. You've got David Campbell up at Hello. No, is it called Hello? Enjoy. Enjoy Bakery in Norwood. Yeah, yeah. All that stuff. Yeah, so I know where you're going with this.

I know because I've been blaming on, I've been talking about your size lately. Because to be honest, I was hoping for a complete turnaround this week. I was hoping you'd waddle in here because I know the lure. I'm actually, I want to go back to Adelaide and do gigs. I'm scared because I reckon I was there in about September and I reckon this weight that I'm carrying now, most of it is down. Half of it was that week in Adelaide with the 24-hour bakeries,

and then the other half was Vegas. So I'm worried that I'm going to do all this work and sort of start to work it off, and then if I go to Adelaide, I can't help it. They're too good. You've still got a few 2011 sausage rolls in your gut, haven't you? Exactly. So I was hoping you would have succumbed. I was like, to be honest, sitting there all of last week,

sort of twiddling my little fingers together, getting very excited. Just imagining me chewing. It did. It kept me warm going to sleep at night. Just imagining he's probably stuff in his face right now. He'll be getting pissed every night. He's going to come back and then we'll see who fucking needs to do some work. No, well, that's, you know what?

I had to use every ounce of my willpower to not do that. Because you know what it is over there? You go over there and you do gigs and you've got nothing to do during the day and you can go and eat or do whatever. And then after the gig, generally in Melbourne, it's a bit of a culture of stand-up where, you know, you have a couple of beers after the gig, there's people to talk to, you know, whatever, and there's other stuff to go and do.

Adelaide, there's really not that much to do. So after the gig in Adelaide, it's like, okay, we have a couple of beers after the gig. There's people to talk to, you know, whatever. And there's other stuff to go and do. Adelaide, there's really not that much to do. So after the gig in Adelaide, it's like, okay, we do a gig. Now what? Do you want to kick on? No, the pub's closing in five minutes. Yeah. Yeah, we're all going home. And then it's like, it's literally like you come off stage, you're energized.

Like, yeah, let's do something. And the only thing to do is to go and get a pasty. Yeah. Yeah. So that's what it turned into. I found when I was there, a lot of the local Adelaide comics, some of which are friends of the show, not all, but some, get really into the bakery thing. They're like, oh, we're going to take you to Villy.

Yeah. Yeah. It's like a little treat. It's like they're the gophers for like when Kanye West's in town. Yeah. Yeah. We'll go and show you Birang Ma or whatever. Entourage.

Instead of going down in the strip or whatever, it's just, yeah, to Villy's. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah. so that's what we sort of did and i was like because of this weight loss thing that we've been going on about you know at home me and my girlfriend got this little chart where we weigh each other every week and we put down like what exercise we've been doing but it's good it works because i was just thinking like every monday we weigh each other and because of that i was thinking of the way in I was thinking of the weigh-in. I was thinking of the weigh-in the whole week. And I'm like, oh, I cannot come back and cop it. You're doing your own Biggest Loser.

I know. You're like Tiff. You're a male Tiff. Is that good? She's like the real intense trainer on Biggest Loser. But I'm being intense about myself. Like it's all. You've made it sound like you're giving your girlfriend a bit of.

No, no, but that's what I'm saying. I didn't eat that much because I'm worried about it. I'm like, oh, I've got to answer to the wall, to the wall chart. To the wall. Yeah. Yeah. So I went out and like tried my best and whatever. And I think I did pretty good.

And I even, I ran over, ran when I was around there and all that sort of stuff. Actually, that was funny because I went for an exercise. I went, it was quite hot over there. So I had to push myself to go and go for a jog. It's hard. I went, I ran around Princess Park this afternoon. Oh, it's hot. And my heart nearly exploded.

Yeah. And all I could think the whole time was if it wasn't for Chandler, I'd be happy right now. Oh, really? I'd be fat and I'd be happy. I'd be playing Uncharted 3. Do you run and think about me? Yes. I was, it was because I run much better when, if I've had a bad day, I run much better if I'm fuelled by anger.

You know what I mean? Should I run behind you just going, fatty, Tommy Fatsop? Yeah, I was just thinking, man, you know, so what if I'm fat? I'd be fat and happy. Can I run behind you going, hey, wait. That is round two of the t-shirts for sure. That's what's on the extra large. XXL, say hey, wait.

See you, wait. The little cartoon fingers we have of ours are just eating cake. They're just stretched faces of us. Yeah, we've gone into Photoshop and grabbed the stretch tool without eating shit. And then on the back, the big dum-dum club.

Yeah. The big plump-plump club. So that's what I was doing. I went for a run. I went, okay, I'm going to go and do this. Went for a run in like, you know, hot heat.

It was high. It was 30s or whatever. And that's hot to run around in. And because I've been to Adelaide a couple of you stay with craig who runs the gigs you stay with him so i sort of know my way a little bit around there yeah so um i got out there i went for a run started running a few blocks run a few more went i know what i'll do i'll hit this park that's down that way and i'll just do some laps of that it's a bit shady and whatever so i kept going kept going kept going kept going started turning corners going yeah it turning corners going, yeah, it's around.

I know it's sort of around here somewhere. Kept going, just kept running. And then went, oh, I'm thinking of a park in Perth. Just completely got my cities wrong and just ended up, I don't know where. I don't know where I was. What a wanker of a story. Oh, I just travel so much, guys, that sometimes I'm in Adelaide and I think I'm in Perth. They're all just little podunk towns to me.

I don't know. And they're big name drops too, Adelaide and Perth. You wanker. I go to heaps of sort of towns that are reasonably big. You wanker. So, yeah, then I ran back, just got lost. Just running in circles. Yeah. That was good. How did you go? You were there with, of course, then I ran back, just got lost. Just running in circles. So, that was good.

How did you go? You were there with, of course, friend of the show, Nick Cody. Yeah, so because I was doing the running and because I really tried hard after gigs and I didn't drink that much and I tried not to have too many pies and stuff like that. But Nick Cody, friend of the show, if you've seen him before, you might want to, the camera or the bakery adds 10 pounds, I think. The Adelaide adds 10 pounds. Because he – I don't think he'd ever seen a 24-hour bakery before.

He forgot that they're just normal bakeries that are up late. He acted like he'd never seen one before because he was just pounding them. And he was getting multiple'd never seen one before because he was just pounding them. And he was getting multiple pies and then vanilla slices. It's like, I don't need to read any dietary books and stuff like that to know that eating a vanilla slice, it's just like a pound of the wrongest stuff. You may as well shove a stick of butter right up your arsehole. The color of a vanilla slice. If you haven't seen one, look, Google it.

Just the look of one, it's almost like it's warning you not to eat it. They've got the nickname snot blocks. Yeah, for a reason. The colour is just the colour saying, no, these colours don't exist in nature, so why would you eat this? This is some biochemical nightmare. Don't get me wrong though, when you do eat one, they are better than just about anything

else that is out there and legally purchasable. Yeah, a good one is pretty good, but he was hoeing into them every night. Oh, man. See, that's been the lucky thing for me throughout my life when I've been trying to lose weight and whatever. I'm not a sweet tooth and I'm not a snack guy, so it's not like, you know, I don't love chips. I don't love ice creams.

I don't love chocolate and all that stuff. So it's not like a thing where I really have to force myself to not eat it. It's like every now and then I do. And then I go, why have I been eating Doritos all week? I hate this shit. I'm not going to do this anymore. So I never go like the, the, the dessert goods. Yeah.

Right. But you give me a, put me in Adelaide, give me a Kransky or a curry pie. Yeah, yeah. So he stacked it on is what you're saying. He stacked it on. Really?

So much so that. This excites me a lot because I was saying this to you before the show. The week after I got back from America, he was giving me shit about putting on weight

before it was popular. Yeah. Before you did it. Yeah. Before anyone got on the face of Twitter or anything. He was like the hipster of hanging shit on Bethlehem

about his guts. Yes, yes. Yeah, so it pleases me a lot that he's gotten a bit of sweet come up. You know, mate, it's like I was praying for it to happen to you. Maybe I'm like, my aim was just a little bit off. But hey, someone who... Fat Cupid was a little bit off. Someone who hung shit on me finally got their come up.

So I'm just happy that it's worked out that way. Put it this way, I talked to a friend of the show, Tommy Little, the next day and said, oh, Nick said he was going to come up and see your show last night. He's like, yeah, oh, I think that was him. It was like a fat version of him came up. I'm like, oh, right. Yeah. It is noticeable.

It wasn't just me. So that's funny. That's great. Well, you know what? I was coming back. So I spent the week in Adelaide and I got a call from my girlfriend towards the end of it. And she's like, so what do you, what do you bring me back?

I'm like, I'm in Adelaide. I've been away for four days. I'm in a town. I'm in a town just a couple of hundred kilometers away from home. It's 25 minutes by plane. Yeah, well, that's it. Like it's so close by plane that the only common sense thing to get for her would actually to buy a pie at the airport and it'd be still warm when I got home to give it to her.

This is a recurring thing with her. She does like tricking you into just buying her stuff. Yeah. It's like, oh, you've been a while. You've been, oh, you went down to the shop to get some milk. Did you get me anything? Yeah. Milk.

Didn't, when you were in the States, didn't she just ask you for things to bring her back that were just shit she could get here? Yeah, exactly. She just wanted me to buy her stuff. She's like, I reckon she thinks she's got a bit of bloody Danny Ocean gear going on. Yeah. You know what I mean? She's trying to pull scams on you.

Yeah. Because it's, yeah, what's unique to Adelaide that I could go and get that she would like? A farmer's union. Yeah. That is a good, I'm not a, I said I'm not a big dairy person. Can you not buy that here? You can, but it's like different. It's like, I think this is what I've been told.

It's a specific recipe of it that's really good. That's only made in Adelaide. And they wouldn't share that with Melbourne. That's what I've been told. I don't know how true that is. It's just flavoured milk. I don't know. That's, that's just, but I've had one there.

They have these exotic ingredients over in South Australia that we don't know that's that's just but i've had these exotic ingredients over in south australia that we don't have in melbourne yeah special snozzberries that go in there yeah no it is it is they are good that's ridiculous yeah um hey what else i saw i saw i saw this funny image um i saw a guy that just sounded like you were just going to start telling me i saw a funny image it was on Facebook Yeah yeah How desperate would this show get if it was just us recounting There was a cat and he was pretending he was a human And there was a very funny caption

No There was a guy standing outside There was a big man shop near where I was staying Oh yeah yeah Big man shop And Well you would have put stuff there Yeah yay

It was a big man shop And there was this big guy standing out the front and he was just waiting at the front and he had two hands full. In one hand

he had like a big old school Sherlock Holmes pipe which he was puffing away on. In the other hand he was filling up with a Powerade.

Isn't that a sweet combo? Like he was, like he couldn't quite finish the pipe so he had to keep energising himself to get through all the tobacco? I don't know how it worked. That was just a ridiculous combo. Yeah, or he hates the pipe and the power-8s to wash away the taste.

Yeah. Yeah, or maybe it's both. Like it's two birds with one stone. Yeah, I don't know. But I also saw this guy that I hadn't seen in years, and the last time I saw him was at a stand-up gig in Melbourne. And I'm not sure if I've ever told you this story, but it was one of the funniest things I'd ever seen when I just started stand-up.

There's a place in Melbourne called the Exford Hotel that still does stand-up, and it's always pretty terrible. And it's got a bad name. It's not as bad as it used to be. No, no, no. When it first started, it was known as the roughest, worst. The worst gig in Melbourne. Yeah, but deros would just yell at you. It's a as bad as it used to be. No, no, no. When it first started, it was known as the roughest, worst... The worst gig in Melbourne. Yeah, but Darrow's would just yell at you.

Yeah, it's a free gig. Exactly. That's what it is. And it's in a bit of a slightly dodgy area of the city. It's almost like, in your gig, you'd be intruding on people, you know, smoking crack or whatever. Getting raped. Yeah, yeah, exactly. People would be like, excuse me, I'm trying to be raped here. Can you just keep it down

a little bit? My word. Yeah. God, where can someone go these days to get quietly raped? So anyway, one time I was doing a gig there and... The worst thing that's ever happened on this show. One time I was doing a gig there, right, and it got to the end of the night. And there'd been like some unruly customers in there exactly what we're describing just people just arrows that were in there yelling and whatever and this one

the main protagonist this this night was this guy that had one arm and he was just yelling stuff all night there was people with him and they'd be like the whole night and because of the nature of the gig it's such a bad gig that only new people want to get up there. No one experienced would want to hop up and do this horrible gig for no pay. Yeah. So all night people have been ragged on by this one-armed man, you know, anyway, the end of the night,

this one experienced guy who I saw in Adelaide the other day, um, he got up at the end of the night and no one had gone back at this guy all night. So, um, he gets up, the one-armed man goes,

you know, your your shit no good whatever and then this guy just turns the crowd and go don't worry about him he's armless so and then easy easy work so then the crowd go ah and then he goes berserk him and his clan go berserk oh you can't say that you can't say that. You can't say that. And they get into this big back and forth. Then they just rush the stage. And it wasn't a stage. It's just like on the floor.

So it's just they all run over and there's like a fight. And I'm like a new comedian sitting up the back of the room going, oh, no, I've never seen anything like this. And they all run on and they're all like argy-bargy and, you know, punches were thrown, you know. And it just all sort of went crazy. It was a little bit scary. And then sort of the bouncers took their time getting there and sort of broke it up and it was okay.

But then, of course, it's very unsettling. And so everyone's just on edge after that going, oh, my God. How are you supposed to do comedy after that? And you're in your little notebook going, armless, that is gold. That's up there with one of my little puns. Yeah, I can't wait to do more gigs with cripples. So anyway, it all gets separated and whatever. And the guy, one of my men is sort of surprisingly okay about it,

even though all of his clan look like bad characters. Why do you keep calling them a clan? Yeah, well, they were like bad news. They were straight off the set of Survivor. um and so they're all getting broken up and then they're getting moved back and the one i mean was surprisingly okay about he was sort of going uh hey mate don't worry about mate it's all we're all good now we're all good it's all fine we're all fine and the the comedians aren't quite unnerved on stage going oh how am i supposed to be funny now and that's all a bit weird you know it's been a fight and whatever and he's like

oh yeah we're all good mate mate we all good and the guy goes ah we're all right we're all right we're all right and he actually comes up and shakes his hand whatever and then backs away he goes and and the bouncers are kicking them out this stage and they go and as they're being kicked out the comedian sort of starts to go oh oh felt a bit bad for it all and he goes oh thanks mate thanks mate oh what do you do for a living anyway, mate? And as this one-armed man is being escorted out the door, the final thing he says before he closes the door is he goes, I'm in organised crime.

I kill arseholes like you for a living. And then close the door. That is awesome. So you saw this guy in Adelaide. Yeah, yeah. Last week. So they haven't gotten him yet. He wasn't in this guy in Adelaide. Yeah, yeah. Last week. So they haven't gotten him yet. He wasn't in a barrel in Adelaide.

He was actually like performing and stuff. Oh, man. Yeah, so that was like, it was like out of a TV show or a cartoon or something. The way it was just the final word going. I kill ass. I was like, you're for a living. Slam. Oh, man.

That is really terrifying. It's always like, I had a friend who there were suspicions that her family were an organized crime. And you sort of, you don't even know whether to buy it. Because that seems like a whole world that's like make-believe. Yeah. Even though it does happen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, seems so, I don't want to talk about it anymore in case they listen or whatever.

I don't know. Really. Because we used to joke about it and go, we had our suspicions like, oh, bloody thing has family there and the mob and whatever. And then someone one day went, there's like a pretty much 95% chance that that's actually what they do. Like, it's pretty certain that that's what they do. And then suddenly we were like terrified and we're like, and this is at her 21st, this discussion's going on.

And we're looking around the room and suddenly it's like, oh yeah, these guys do look a bit full on. Yeah, because, you know, they looked after Frank Sinatra and whatever. Like maybe, you know, we've got a big organized crime, a big mafia following, you know. We could end up performing at some of their shows, like instead of Vanessa Amorosi that seems to be roped into it and people like that.

They could get us in there. Is Vanessa Amorosi tied in with the mob? No, I'm not saying she's tied in with the mob. Oh, okay, right. I'm just saying that, you know, I've seen gigs like that happen and like, she'll be on or, you know, whoever will be on,

they'll have, you know, acts on. I'm not saying that Vanessa Amorosi has strong arm tactics like in her normal life or anything.

She's a singer. She doesn't, she's not up like on the streets smashing windows if they're not paying on time. Flapper Ketter

don't get their money and she's not like going in there and chucking pizzas out the window and breaking the waiter's legs or whatever, I'm saying that's not happening. I might have to stop. Just the image of Vanessa Amorosi trashing a La Paqueta. Anyone who likes doing art and sending it into this show,

please doctor up a bit of an image of Vanessa Amorosi going apeshit in a La Paquita. Yeah, sticking some horses' heads in some La Paquita beds. So you're saying maybe we could do a bit of dum-dum. Maybe we could do a trial show for our comedy festival shows for the Mafia. Yeah, yeah. For an Italian RSL somewhere.

So if you're in the Mafia, get in touch with us, little dum-dum club atL somewhere. Yeah. So if you're in the mafia, get in touch with us. LittleDumbDumbClub at gmail.com. Yeah. If you're out in St. Albans at a soccer club or something and you want us to come out and get bashed, we could do... No, let's not do that. See, moments like this is why I use a fake name. But you've ruined that trick for me by, you know, anyway. I've been in a lot of audiences this week.

Like I saw a lot of movies in this last week and I went to the tennis last night and I like being in, you know, theaters or arenas or anything where there's a lot of people around you because odds are someone's going to do something ridiculous. I went to the movies the other night and saw Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy. Yep. And it's a very quiet movie, a lot of very quiet moments. And at one point, not much is happening on screen. It's sort of silent.

And this guy sitting near us has opened his bottle of Coke, but it had obviously been shaken up a lot. So it fizzed everywhere. So what we heard in the silence, everyone in the cinema has heard the fizz and then his reaction, which was like this. Psssh. Fuck. silence everyone in the cinema has heard the fizz and then his reaction which was like this coming from the back of the theater in the silence just such a stunning moment where you just you know exactly what's going on yeah exactly and then i couldn't focus on the rest of the movie because i just picture him just covered in coke, trying to wipe it off him.

And just, you know, when someone in the audience does something that's like better than the movie you're watching, you're like, should I just get out now? Because if that's taken me out enough. I went and saw Stargate in the cinema. Super Clang. I went and saw Stargate with friends. One of those movies that I do not choose to go and see. Someone else must have wanted to see it. At the Mirabar Drive-In.

No. This is the Ballarat Twin Cinema. Thank you. No, it's not Twin Cinema, is it? My apologies. Yeah, yeah. The Regent Cinema, whatever it's called. In Ballarat.

They've got ties to the mafia, so don't fuck up their name or we'll hear about it. Yep. So I went there with mates. And it was a movie I didn't want to see. I'm not into that sort of stuff. But I actually enjoyed it because I had one of those people right behind me that had gone by themselves and he'd just chosen to narrate the movie. But I actually enjoyed it more because he was so ridiculous at it.

Like something sci-fi would happen. Something would, like they'd go up, they'd materialize somewhere or they'd have laser guns or whatever it was and he'd go oh and he's sitting by himself and he's just saying over the top of us imagine if you could do that you wouldn't be dead for quids like oh yeah it's a good call i guess yeah if you had a get a laser gun yeah that's good and then you know they'd get into a fight and you go i'll tell you what they got their backs of the wall now. And you go, yeah, that's what's happening. Yeah, they're in for a big fight. You're right there.

And then it was all getting tidied up at the end. And he just literally slapped his hands together and went, time to shut up shop. Also, I went to the tennis last night. The Australian Open Tennis. the Australian Open Tennis. The Australian Open Tennis. The Grand Slam of the Asia Pacific. Yeah. It was good.

It was good. Because I hadn't been for ages. I've never been. Really? It's ridiculous because I sit home at the moment and watch it on TV. It's like, I could walk there. Like tonight, I literally, I was watching it today and then I got in my car and drove five minutes. I went, oh, that's where it is. Yeah.

Yeah. That's very sad. It's, it's, it's good. I think it might be my favorite sport to watch. Right. You know, like I'm not a big sports guy, but I forgot how much I enjoyed it. But anyway, um, cause it's a, you know, we went to the night game and they've got the roof open in the arena.

So a lot of birds come in and then towards the end, a lot of bugs are flying around, cicadas and the like. At one point on the big screen in between a point, they've cut to a shot on the court of a cicada just walking around the court. And then the players start the next point. So the cameras obviously start showing the point and then the point gets won. So then they cut back to the shot of the cata just shattered to smithereens on the court. Just literally in about 400 pieces, just ooze everywhere. Leg over here, head over here. It was ridiculous.

It was like, I just like the idea of like the one camera guy who's like just a bit, like a bit put him on watch because he's going to fucking murder someone. Yeah. Just going, just looking at the cicada and going, this is going to pay off a treat. Yeah, yeah. Instead of finding the hot chick in the tennis. Yeah, yeah. Quick, go to camera four, squash bug.

I just wish they'd bought in the slow motion camera or the big sweeping one they've got on the ropes that comes straight down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, man, that would have been amazing. Oh, hey, we just missed out on a treat. My girlfriend just rang me. I could have put her on speakerphone and put her straight on the show.

Do we want to? Probably not. Why not? She was probably just ringing to say, get me something. Yeah, let's do it. Get me something. Let's do it. Call her back.

Call her back. No. Don't bring it up if you're not going to do it. No. This is the worst thing of all time. No. What about we start a new segment, Diane's Corner? She hates it.

Why? She now listens to the show just to find out what I say about it. Well, this will lead into the next thing, conveniently enough, because listeners will know I've been house hunting for a while. Oh, yes. Big news. I've been veritably homeless. Over the weekend, I moved in with my girlfriend.

Yes. And the reason for that is that I see you come in here. I try and craft together stories from things I've done during the week. I go out and try and get experiences. I try and see things. I try and partake in life. All you have to do, sit around your house, wait for your girlfriend to open her gob, and there's an easy 15 minutes.

And I'm bloody jack of it, to be honest. So I thought, I'm going to get in on this racket. I'm moving in. I'm shacking up. I've got the dictaphone going. We're changing the show to Shit My Girlfriend Say. Shit My Girlfriend Say. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

So it's been interesting so far. It's been an interesting journey because we were originally looking- How many days? How many days? We moved in on Saturday and it's Tuesday now. Yeah. So I guess sort of exclude Saturday because Saturday is just moving everything in. Have you ever lived with a girl before?

I've never lived with a girl. I've never lived with a girlfriend. I've lived with a girl. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've never lived with a girlfriend. So how's it- And she's never lived with a boyfriend, so- Right.

Yeah. But you have someone else in the house, don't you? We do. So it's not the honeymoon suite at the moment, the whole joint. No, no. Which I think is... You're not grinding on every surface quite yet, is it? We still are, much to the chagrin of our house, mate.

Well, here's the story. Because we were originally looking with a friend of hers. She was looking with a friend of hers, first of all. And then I sort of thought, well, what are my options? My options are find some mentals on Gumtree or do this. And it's, you know, I thought I'll, I thought lesser of two evils. I did say that to her. Probably shouldn't have said that to her.

Yeah, exactly. That's all I got for this to me. Did you move in because you really love me or because you didn't want to live with any more crazy housemates? Like, well, just look at that question you asked me again and the way you phrased it, and I think you'll find the answer. I love you because you're not a crazy housemate. So we were looking with a friend of hers, and then we got this place, and then it's a really big place.

It's really nice. And right after we got it, her friend, just who still lives at home, got cold feet and went, I can't do this, and bailed on us. But then it was like, well, we've been looking for ages. We've gotten this house. It's too good to pass up. We'll just have to find someone else. So we went and met this girl who's a friend of a friend,

and me and Alice, my girlfriend, drove to meet this other girl, this third girl, and I realised going as a couple to interview another housemate, there are a lot of similarities between doing that and scouting someone for a threesome. Just the set-up of it, like you're trying to, you know, you're feeling each other out. You've got, there's a bit of awkward conversation about it. I immediately liken it to, you know,

when couples have a surrogate mother of a child or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's weird. It feels like, it feels like you're driving to do something weird. Is it like Juno? Yeah. Yeah.

It's, it was, yeah. Cause my girlfriend's 15 and pregnant. Yeah. It was, it was very. So she's older than you. You're a hack. And got the same gut on her. Yay!

At stages like this, I just wish we had a guest in here to just check this gold out. You've got no one to do a victory lap. Yeah. No, I'm not high-fiving anyone. This is frustrating. Did I tell you this on the... I don't know if I've said this on the show or even to you in person. I was getting insecure about putting on weight a little while ago and saying to my girlfriend,

oh, look at this, put on weight, this is bullshit. Oh, I've got these tits, this is ridiculous. And she goes, they're not tits. They're like the breasts that you get when you're an 11-year-old. They're the little 11-year-old girl breasts that you've got. Oh, that's made you feel better. Yeah, exactly. I was like, I think that's somehow worse.

Yeah. No, they're not fully developed yet. I'm like, oh, yet, because this is a sliding scale. Yeah, that would make things worse. She goes, no, that's a good thing. I find breasts on 11-year-olds attractive. That's a good thing. Oh, okay.

But no, it's good so far. It's, you know, it's really nice. I think it's good for your relationship. People say it changes your relationship. About an hour after we'd moved in, my girlfriend was in the bathroom and she yelled out, can you get my tampons from the bedroom? I thought, oh, is this how it is? Is this what it's like?

Yeah. Have we signed the lease yet? Is it too late to get out? The curtains are open now, you know. Yeah, there's no. There's no more showbiz. Man, there is no more showbiz. Yeah.

There's no hiding. No, it's all, it's all. Can you actually close the toilet door when you're, if you're going to make that much noise? I don't actually want to hear that. She's going to love this one, your girlfriend. This is the moment where I wish I was probably editing the episode. Close the door because there's so much noise.

Are you dating Rodney Root? Oh, man. But have you got any, because you've lived with your, how long have you lived with your girlfriend for? About 18 months, I think. And any things to look out for apart from her leaving the toilet door open? What are some pitfalls, easy ones that you fell into? Yeah, I was having this morning where familiarity does breed contempt.

You spend that much time together and it's like this morning. So far I've been spending as much time out of the house as I can. I came in here six hours early. Yeah, well, the thing this morning where, you know, I had a late gig last night, so I'm trying to sleep in. My girlfriend's getting up early to go to work. So we spent, you know, we say probably four words to each other. But in the four words, we've managed to have a fight because I locked the wire door last night

and she got up and didn't know how to unlock the wire door. And I'm like, it's with a key. You know your key. And she's like, yeah, but I don't know how to do it. I'm like, how else could you do it but turn it left or right? Just do both of them. You'll figure it out. You've got two options.

Go down either of the roads. Double back and use the other one if one's not right. And so that became a fight over the locking of a door. This sounds awful. Why did you not warn me? Why did you not warn me? Sorry. Sorry.

You had so much time. No, but that's how stupid I am because, you know, it turns into a fight. I'm like, just settle down. You're having a screaming fit over a bloody wired door. Yeah. Well, because I'm generally, I'm pretty non-confrontational. So I sort of, I'm a bit of a, in some regards, I'm a bit of a doormat.

Like I don't, I don't speak out about things like that. But then I had this thing where I'm moving and I'm like, right, if something shits me about something that's happening, I got to say it and put a clamp on it early. But then I'm starting to think that maybe I shouldn't because I've bought up one or two things so far and I just look insanely petty. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I think the only solution is to be slowly driven to insanity. Yes.

And then hang myself in the spare bedroom. Yeah. Yeah, you've got to leave it a little bit, I think. Three or four days in, you can't bring up too much stuff yet, I don't think. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, you can't bring up too much stuff yet, I don't think. Yet.

Yeah. But, you know, I'll be very keen to see how you go because, yeah, I haven't got anything changed so far. I haven't got everything I've suggested. None of it's been taken on board. So, you know, good luck. Yeah. Well, nothing really needs to change, you know? Yeah.

Like, I'm fine with the little things that... You don't sound that fine. It does sound like there's a lot of self-convincing going on, doesn't it? Yeah. Well, there's three days in, and it's important enough to put it out to thousands of listeners. So rather than tell it to your one girlfriend. Nah, we'll be fine.

I'm just excited about what it's going to mean for the show. Okay, so listeners, I've done this for you. You don't really fancy it that much at all, do you? You just thought you're moving in with material. I don't really fancy her that much at all, do you? You just thought you were moving in with material. I don't even know her last name. Hey, we are getting close to the end of the show, but I've got a mailbag here that I think is going to be something pretty interesting, I reckon.

It's going to tie into what we were talking about earlier. During the week, I got an email from a listener of the show, Nick Bevilacqua. I'm going to say that that's how that's pronounced. Uh, I hope that's right. Hey, mate, just finished listening to all 67 podcasts after a three, three week long dumb, dumb marathon. Great show. You'd think listening to Tommy and Carl's voice voice for over 60 hours would drive

me mad, but it hasn't. Brackets maniacal laughter. I wanted to write to both of you guys because of the fitness discussion you were having. I'm a personal trainer and wanted to offer my services. If you guys need any pointers, tips, or general advice and motivation, I'm more than happy to help. Also, I'm a mobile personal trainer specializing in outdoor training, so if you guys ever want to smash out a session, I'm up for it. Another thing. I had an idea for a bit of a challenge that you could both take. How does a little dum-dum-lympics sound?

An on-air duel between Tommy and Carl involving strength, endurance and speed challenges would be awesome. There could be two guest judges to officiate. Thanks heaps for the entertaining and thought-provoking discussions on fast food and Mary Burrows Populous. Keep up the great work, Nick. So there you go. There's a couple of things in there. What do you reckon?

Well, if anyone's interested in us doing push-ups on air, yeah, sure. But I don't know. It doesn't sound that good to me. I reckon we should go and do some sessions with him. Yeah, maybe. Yeah, all right. I'm assuming it's... I don't know if I want anyone watching us do stuff.

I don't know. What do you mean? I just like to go and do my thing and that's it. Yeah, it's a free personal training session. Is it? But I feel like I'm a personal trainer already. Oh, my God. Well, that's even more reason that we should do this.

So you can measure yourself up against this guy's standard. I'll be like... He'll be like pushing me to do things. And I'll be saying, no, no, no, this is the way you've got to push him. This is a mask. This is bullshit. You're scared. You are scared that your whole little tough guy mystique that you've got going on,

he's just going to come tumbling down around you. You're going to do three push-ups. I bet the wall chart doesn't even exist. It does. I've been doing, like, I go for runs. It's not like I'm going and, you know, doing chin-ups or anything like that. It's just, you know, I'm exercising. I'm going for a jog every day.

It's good. I think we should do some personal training sessions with this guy. Look, let's talk about it. Let's not have it all out on air. Just so it's easier for me to say flat out no. This is not the triumphant wrap-up of the show that I was really hoping that it would be. What did you want me to say?

Yes, okay, let's go and do it right now. That's exactly what I want you to say. Let's go and buy dumbbells. Yes, dumbbells right now. Little dumbbells. Grey ones, please. Yeah. That's exactly what I wanted you to say.

I wanted you to have some God damn respect For the skill And the curtain That exists In doing radio Yeah yeah Instead of just No I don't want to do any of it

Really? I'm going to do it Really? Yeah I'm going to do it I'm going to give myself the edge Alright well maybe Maybe Maybe just because

You're at the stage Where I think I can still beat you comprehensively. What about if we do it with Nick Cody? What about if we get him involved now? What if you, me, and Nick Cody do a person – let's do one personal training session with this guy and see how we go. Yeah, all right, maybe. Oh, jeez, this is so –

All right, all right. This is so unsatisfying for a listener. They've sat here for 50 goddamn minutes just to have you get to the end and go, oh, maybe. How are we meant to close this damn thing off? Okay, hey, hey, hey. All right, I'll do it. Ta-da!

Yeah! We planned it all along. Wish we'd never gotten you in here, KF. You've ruined us again. Guys, that is just about it for another episode of The Little Dumb Dumb Club. If you want a T-shirt, littledumbdumbclub at gmail.com. Have a look on Facebook and Twitter. We've got pictures of them if you haven't seen them yet.

They're in navy blue and grey. And they say, hey, mate, on the front and see you, mate, on the back. Yes. And someone said it's a shame that they don't say, g'day, dickhead, on the back. But would you really want to walk around in a shirt that has dickhead written on the back of it? Yeah. I wore, actually, I was out of clean clothes.

I wore mine when I was jogging the other day, which I realise looks funny when you go past people, because you go past them and they just say, see you, mate. Yeah, yeah. You go past them. Oh, I went to McDonald's the other day. I've just given myself away. Yes! Damn.

Here was I feeling guilty for eating a Subway sandwich when you walked in. Alright, the personal training session's on. Yes! I went once the other day and... So you didn't go twice in one day? No, no, no. And I was wearing the shirt. I was wearing the shirt the other day and the guy looked at me and went,

Hey, mate. And I was wearing the shirt. I was wearing the shirt the other day. And the guy looked at me and went, hey, mate. And I went, immediately I went, did I just make him say that? Have I got the, is this T-shirt giving me power? But then I realised, no, it's just a thing that people say. It's like wearing a shirt that says, how are you going? And then going, yeah, look, I'm making people say it. It's like, no, that's what they would normally say. Yeah. I bought a hat in New York that says thanks for nothing on it.

And I would wear it. And the first couple of times I'd wear it, I'd forget that I was wearing a thing that said something on it. So a guy in 7-Eleven, I bought a Coke and given him my money. And he goes, thanks for nothing. And I was like, what is this asshole? What is this all about? And then it wasn't until later on that I went, oh, okay, that happened.

Well, technically, you're still dealing with an arsehole that's the sort of person that would just read out what you've got written in your hat. Yeah. It looked like me looking back at him and going, 7-11. Yeah. Yeah. So thanks very much for listening, guys. We will see you next week with some good guests. We've got a good one lined up for next week, fingers crossed.

Yep. I've just jinxed it. But thanks very much for listening. We really appreciate it good one lined up for next week. Fingers crossed. Yep. I've just jinxed it. But thanks very much for listening. We really appreciate it. Get on iTunes, leave a review, hit us up on Facebook

and Twitter, buy a ticket to come see us at the Comedy Festival and we will see you next time. See you, mates!