The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 71 - Gordon Southern

Episode Date: February 7, 2012

Oliver Twist, Bottle Shop Flyering and Yosemite Sam. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey mates, welcome into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. My name is Tommy Dasolo, sitting opposite me as always, Carl Chandler. G'day dickhead. I saw on the way in here a 75 year old man riding a razor scooter. Oh yeah? Discuss. Alright, first question, how do you know he was 75? He was wearing a T-shirt saying, I'm 75.

That's an estimate. He was like proper old man time, though. Like big, big white beard, long white hair. Oh, okay. All right. Well, he's obviously a crazy homeless guy and that sort of goes beyond. There was a kid with him. Yeah?

That was his Oliver Twist. The weirdest gang of all time. Yeah. What was Oliver Twist's boss name? I don't know. I'm not familiar with it at all. It was like they were... That was Oliver Twist. The weirdest gang of all time. Yeah. What was Oliver Twist's boss name? I don't know. I'm not familiar with it at all. What's that? Bill Sykes.

No, that's not the answer at all. Fagan. Fagan. Fagan. I don't know. Are you thinking of some carry-on movie? Bill Sykes was it, Oliver. Oh, okay. He might not have been the boss.

Right. This is the voice of Gordon Sutherland. Oh, all right. That's going to come in later. Oh. Surprise. Put that on ice, okay. He might not have been the boss. Right. This is the voice of Gordon Sutherland. Oh, all right. That's going to come in later. Put that on ice, everyone. Yeah, well, I'll tell you this much. I'll tell you this little thing. I haven't mentioned this before on the show, but this is an occasional thing that I've

been getting lately where I get a phone call from a number that I don't recognize. I pick it up and say, hello, Carl speaking. And then they say, Sunshine. And I say, uh, what? And they go, is this Sunshine Johnson? And I go, no, it's not. And people that have heard the show will know who Sunshine Johnson is. But I say, no, it's not.

And I, the first time I copped it, I just started laughing and went, who, who's this? And they go, oh, this is this is uh you know bill sykes from uh south yarrow gymnasium uh just looking for sunshine johnson and i'm like and i just started laughing and went sunshine johnson is a guy from my hometown used to go to the pub and then say to people i've got your name tattooed on my dick and then pull his pants down and it had your name on it The word's your name And he was like Oh yeah

And I was like Oh yeah right I guess I don't know What he was going to do With that information But anyway So I just left it And that was it

But what Like so why is he called Like Well that's what I'm saying I've copped it a few times So someone Some little friend of the show Someone that I know

Yeah Has dobbed me in Has like Rung up some gym Around the area And gone Is there any information list That you can spam me with Yes Okay that I know has dobbed me in, has like rung up some gym around the area and gone, is there any information list that you can spam me with? Yes.

Okay. I'll put my name and number down. My name is Sunshine Johnson and my number is... And what is your number? It's got an O in it. So that gives you only seven or eight pages to guess. Well, I'm putting the challenge out there to listeners of the show. Just if you can find Carl Chandler's number and put it on more mailing lists

as Sunshine Johnson. I'm putting out a challenge to not do that. So if anyone could take my challenge. If anyone wants it, just Facebook me or Twitter me and I'll pass it on to you. No. I've got your driver's license number. I've got your home address. Don't try and wreck my life.

If any listeners of the show want to go for a joyride in Carl's car, I'm pretty sure I can probably pinch the keys off him at some point and we can just have ourselves a right old time. Don't do that. Okay. Yep. Today on the show, a guy who, a great comic from the UK, who is always a popular visitor at the Adelaide Fringe

and Melbourne comedy festivals. He's about to do a season of shows right across the country. Please welcome into the Little Dumb Dumb Club, Gordon Southern. Yay! Yay! I ruined the surprise by giving you Oliver Twist facts. It happens a lot. No, not facts at all.

I think you gave us wrong things. Well, Oliver Twist conjecture. Bill Sykes? No, because Bill Sykes is in Oliver. Fagin was the answer you were looking for. Bill Sykes is an actor. I was adding texture. No, Bill Sykes is a character in the Dickens novel, Oliver Twist. But he wasn't the boss. And film. He wasn't the boss. I can't remember what Bill Sykes is an actor I was adding texture No Bill Sykes is a character In the Dickens novel

I have a twist But he wasn't the boss And film He wasn't the boss I can't remember what Bill Sykes did Which I should know Because I did produce the show When I was 16

Wow At the Towngate Theatre How are you 140 years old Yeah Well not the original Oh right A revival of I think the guy that was

Riding the razor scooter At producer Yeah That was me I'm 75 He's coming from a dress rehearsal Long flowing beard Got a big t-shirt Says that I'm 75. He's coming from a dress rehearsal. Long flowing beard, got a big T-shirt, says that I'm 75,

mental picture, listeners at home, brilliant scooter. So, Gordon, I went through the archives today just to check, and you are officially the first ever British guest on the Little Dum Dum Club. Whoa! We've never had a Brit in here before. And, jeez, you're showing your credentials pretty early on. The first thing you've said is a few facts about Oliver. What about Stephen Fry?

Oh, no, that was QI. Sorry, not our show at all. Sorry, I got confused. Did he drop in? The little QI club. Yeah. So it's good to be in here. It's been a warm Friday evening in Melbourne.

There's plenty of police around. There's plenty of police around. We were waiting for Carl to turn up. So me and Gordon went down to the bottle shop and we got some beers. So we're having a bit of Friday night drinks action in the little Dum Dum Club, isn't it? It's good. Well, it's bad because I've driven in now and there's literally,

I've just said to you guys, there's literally four cop cars on this block. So there's a Dum Dum stakeout is what's happening. And I like to think they're trying to catch the person who put my number down at that gymnasium and put it for Sunshine Johnson. I like to think that. Well, when we walked in, the nice lady at reception said, should I let you in? Are you criminals?

To which I replied, only white collar. And she let us in. Oh, all right. Yeah, yeah. So she likes fraud, but not theft. Yeah. I like that that could have gone down like, are you criminals?

Yes. And we're the dumbest criminals of all time. Please kick us out of your building right now. Yeah. But no, it was good. We went down there. We did a weird thing where we went into the bottle shop and we got our six pack and we were on the way to purchase.

And then they gave us a bit of a taste test of other beer. But it's sort of like we've already got our beers. They can see that we're already planning to purchase. It's like being in McDonald's. Then someone goes, have you considered foie gras? And you go, well, go on then. Give me some. But I'm clearly buying this rubbish.

It was one of those taste tests where you know from the minute you start, it's like there's no chance of us tasting this and now buying this beer. We're just now getting a bit of free extra beer on top of this. I just treated it like a wine tasting. Now I'm swirling it around. I'm talking about lovely finish, aftertaste, bubble density. Are you for real like that stuff? Because I'd like to have some sort of sophisticated palate.

Well, I used to be a wine waiter. To me, beer is just beer. I used to be a wine waiter, and I just applied that language to the world of beer. Going on with these lovely legs, floral notes, top notes. I would be hard-pressed to know the difference between a good and a bad beer. It's about a dollar. Yeah, right. Okay. That about a dollar. Yeah. Right. Okay.

That's very true. Yeah. That is very true. But we were saying that you've been coming to Australia for several years now, doing all the festivals, and I could see how a big part of your success in audiences building over the years. Carl, you didn't see this. Gordon, the guy who gave us the beer tasting, Gordon's snuck him a flyer for his comedy festival show.

He gives me a leaflet about some brewery. What rotten form. That I'm never going to go to. So I said, you give me a flyer for your brewery, I give you a flyer. I'm going to alert the police downstairs to that behaviour. Is that out of season? It's not hunting season?

No. You stand outside the town hall. Save it for the town hall, buddy. Save it for Easter, mate. You're coming with me. But the guy goes to us, oh, yeah, you guys do comedy. That's, yeah. A mate of mine's a rapper.

Oh, yeah. There's similarities. I just like the idea of that guy getting to April and going, well, I did sell a six-pack of VB to some bloke who gave me a flyer. So, yeah, that was three months ago. I've still got the flyer. Let's go. That's how it works. I'm hoping it's on his fridge. So yeah, that was three months ago. I've still got the flyer. Let's go. That's how it works.

I'm hoping it's on his fridge. Right now. Yeah. Jesus, that was quick. Yeah, you never know. You never know, but you've got that killer instinct. How many years have you been coming to this country now? I first came here in 2004.

Right. And met a local and have since come back regularly so that she can see her family. Very good of you. So she's moved back with you? To London, yeah. And then we come back for the festivals. Right, okay.

So I'm, what's the word? Penniless. Right. Yeah. One of the many English comedians that come over here and marry an Australian lady and go back. It's a cliche. Who is it?

You and? Ross Noble. Ross Noble, Ben Elton is it? You and... Ross Noble. Ross Noble, Ben Elton. Ben Elton. Oh, my goodness. I did a gig at Fremantle Bowling Club in Perth. Was Ben Elton? No, but there was a picture of him there.

Speaking of Ben Elton, he's a story without him. He was like the patron saint of that bowls club. Really? And I did comedy there. So I met him working on the Ronnie Corbett show last Christmas oh wow

wow yeah oh Bezzy Mates again were you sure you weren't working on that in 1878 it was me

the writing team was if I remember Bill Sykes Oliver Twist Martin Chuzzlewit brilliant writer WG Grace WG Grace

and Dysentery right I was a person back then wow Brilliant writer. WG Grace. WG Grace. And dysentery. Right. I was a person back then. Wow, times are different. He invented it. Did you see any of Ben Elton's Live from Planet Earth? Oh, God, yeah.

Don't tell us you wrote on that. No one did. Dysentery was involved in that as well. Dysentery was still the head writer. That was a major, major credit. That's like the Alan Smithy thing when you disown the script. Alan Smithy wrote it, Dysentery wrote that. That's going to be the new Alan Smithy.

I like that a lot. It was up and down the schedules like a Zumba advert, wasn't it? Oh, for three weeks, yeah. Didn't they go, oh, late, later, later, canned? That seemed to be. Well, it was three weeks. Yeah. No, it started off in the same time slot, and then by the third week, it was so bad that it caused an earthquake in New Zealand

that they pushed it back in the schedule an hour because the news had to report on it because it had just happened. Phew. Yeah. So you are married to a lovely lady in Adelaide who is a clown. Who's a clown. Can we say that? Is that fair? That's not me. For the listeners, that's not me having a go. clown. Who's a clown. Can we say that? Is that fair?

That's not me. For the listeners, that's not me having a go. No, she's a professional children's entertainer. Yeah, it's not me going, your missus is a bloody clown, mate. It'd be more offensive

if you didn't say she was a clown. Like she's walking around in makeup and a big red nose and you're like, she's just a nice lady. She is. Eccentric. Yeah.

Dress sense. A bit quirky. Yeah, yeah. Uses a bit too much makeup but yeah, she's nice she dresses as a civilian when she's not clowning

it's not like a 24-7 thing I didn't yeah I didn't think it was that would also be very good that'd be

man imagine going out with a clown that was like full method that just had to be doing it all the time that must be

that must be a thing that must be good in bed to get the salsa squirted in your face. Salsa? Salsa. Salsa. Salsa. That is a way.

I thought you said salsa. Oh, really? Spicy tomatoes. That's a Mexican clown. Mexican clown. That's Mexican clowns. That is a way to bring clowning, kicking and screaming into the future. Yeah, the old whoopee taco.

Maybe you can get your wife onto that. Bring a bit of salsa in there. That'd be awesome. A bit of guacamole, slipping over guacamole. Burrito animals. Yeah, I get that. So you were telling me before Carl got in there that you and your wife in Adelaide

recently had to do a photo shoot that just sounded like everything that's kind of like weird about when a comedian has to do a photo shoot for a newspaper. And also it's the Adelaide advertiser so it's weird squared. We had to do a photo shoot. The idea was Fred the Clown, my

wife, is torn. She's never short of laughter because she's got a clown partner a chap called Tim and she's married to English comedian Gordon Southern

so they did a photo shoot of us trying to rip her asunder like horses because that's the story we're vying for her affection through laughter eventually the photo

they went for was us skipping towards the camera like some sort of Wizard of Oz remake on a massively small budget yep

so there's right picture the scene man dressed as a clown female clown man dressed in civilian clothing with a big badge with a picture of a clown

on it that's you yeah yep and that's the story right that was in the Adelaide Confidential

right which is like the gossip pages yeah yeah yeah in Adelaide yeah but because it's adelaide the picture has to tell the story as clearly as the the text does yeah in case you're not a big fan of you know reading words well that that must be actually frustrating for those photographers because you know in comedy whenever you have to do a photo shoot they always try to make you wacky it up. Yeah, wacky it up. And then they've got clowns.

It's like, they must be stumped. It's like, well, these guys are as wacky as can be. Like, what do we do now? We can't turn the wacky beyond ten. Yeah, put another red nose on top of that red nose, maybe. But also, because I was hoping, oh, free publicity for me. No, as far as if you were to read the article, and you shouldn't, No, as far as if you were to read the article, and you shouldn't,

it looks like I've flown over from the UK to hump scenery around for my wife. Yeah, good. Which I will be doing on Saturdays and Sundays. But I do like that, you know, you said it's in the gossip pages, and the gossip pages are generally sort of like stuff that they've just seen out and about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like it's weird to have a photo that they've manufactured for that. It's like, look what we saw in the park. Yeah, yeah.

A clown and a comedian fighting over another clown. Like, they'd snap her out of you. What's Bozo going to think about this, eh? Eh? Old clown, he's got two on the go. That's the shadowy world of PR, unfortunately. That is a weird thing, like, having to be in a photo where you're like trying to drag your wife away from someone else.

Like it's such a weird... Or that someone's trying to drag my wife off me because they look similar. Come with me. We've got red noses, a predilection for white face paint and wacky garb. Let's go. Let's go to Clown Town. Let's get in my car along with the 38 other ones of us. So you've been out here Every year since

You know you've On and off yeah On and off Yeah So you I mean you sort of Get that nice benefit Of kind of

You get the You know you get The joy Yeah Yeah Benefit You'll get a comedy festival Show out of it

If nothing else You You know you get That benefit of being Like the act, which people love, but you also hear so much that you've got, like I saw you at a gig last night, and you've just got 20 minutes just on Adelaide up your sleeve, ready to go. You know what I mean? You get that thing where people love that.

People love that sort of someone who's come in who's done their homework. And you've got the look of someone that's done some, you know, you hear stories about gigs in England being probably hard or tough or bad or whatever. And you could see you get on stage and go, I'm usually doing bad gigs or tough gigs or whatever.

And it's like an easy gig. And so you're just like, here's force 10. And then the crowd are just like, oh, holy shit! Bang! And they're like, oh, holy shit. Bang. And they're like, we would have laughed if you had just hit us with a feather, but you've hit me with the mallet. Yes.

What I'm trying to say is you went well. But you made it sound like I used a bazooka where a pea shooter would have been appropriate. No, no, no, no, no. It was great. I guess that's probably what they were expecting. I think you get a hard, thick skin doing some UK gigs where, you know, people will just be drunk and not really paying attention.

Oh, you're shit or something. And you have to go, I'm not. Please try and listen. Whereas I did your lovely gig, Soft Belly, Little Bourke Street, on Thursdays and on Sundays occasionally. And is that right? Yeah, it's starting this week on Sundays. There we go.

You should go down and give the guy in the bottle shop a flyer for it. I never even mention those gigs on this show. I'm like the opposite of you. Yeah, the UK does have a reputation for having some pretty rough gigs. There are some great ones as well, but you do occasionally get the gladiatorial, basically Christmas. If you do a gig in the UK in December, you need to have a thick skin

because the room is full, which is nice, but it's not always people who want to be there. It's people who are there on an enforced jolly. They are there under duress. Someone's paid for them to go to the gig. Not with their friends, but with their colleagues. So they're going, I'm technically still at work. Oh, paid for them to go to the gym. Not with their friends, but with their colleagues.

So they're going, I'm technically still at work. Oh, this is rubbish. Give me tequila. I'm in a hurry to be an arsehole. You get this whole sort of crucible of hate. Yeah. And then you walk on like, hey, who likes comedy? We're not sure.

It really is like it reminds me of like really, really, really like old school jester sort of medieval stuff. You know what I mean? You're just there. Or Queensland. Yeah. You really need to come out with the salsa gun ready for those ones. So have you got any great horror stories? Because we do love that sort of stuff on this show.

We delight in the misery of others. So many. For me personally or other comedians. Whatever you've got. You. Me personally. Well, you know, I'm quite good. So the horror stories. For me personally Or other comedians Whatever you've got You Me personally Well you know I'm quite good

So the whole story That is not what we're about here I'm not being disingenuous Has there ever been a bottle shop attendant That threw your fly back at you? Many times I don't know Maybe I just have a particularly thick skin

And I don't realise that people Hate what I'm doing. It's like that thing on The Simpsons when Homer gets really drunk at the dinner party and Marge is like, do you remember what you were like last night? And he remembers himself all classy. I remember myself as some sort of Oscar Wilde.

Yeah. Just knocking out bombs. And they go, no, no, you were drooling into the punch. Cuts of people, audience just throwing their own shit at you. You weren't actually directing the original version of Oliver Twist. That wasn't you at all. You were drunk at the strippers. I've had stuff thrown at me.

Like what? Plastic pint glasses. Mercifully plastic. And the first time I ever did Glastonbury, how rock festival is this? A little metal tray of organic noodle and tofu. It was still on the tray when it hit you.

Yeah, someone had said, you know, this media is awful. This food is awful. Sweet combo. Two birds with one stone. But that does make sense though. If you're going to throw your food, you're not going to hold onto the tray like an idiot then looking for a bin. You know what I mean? If you're going to throw your food, you may as well get rid of the whole deal. It was a critique of my comedy and the fast food.

Yeah, you're like there going, just covered in noodles going, I don't know who should feel worse about this. Did you think to go up to the noodle guy, like find the noodle vendor and go, mate, have a look at what people think of your food. I'm a bad comedian, you're a bad cook. Maybe we could do something together. Let's team up. Let's open a comedy restaurant. people think of your food. I'm a bad comedian. You're a bad cook. Maybe we could do something together. Let's team up. Let's open a comedy restaurant.

Let's go to Melbourne. I have a plan. To be fair, you were on stage trying to fucking take clothes off Bono at the time. So, yeah, maybe you should have been. Were you performing at the time? I was on stage. Yeah, it wasn't just a random. You weren't just a punter.

But the worst heckles are generally after the gig When someone comes up And goes I didn't like What you did Yeah And you can't sort of You go Okay sorry Yeah

Because if you're on stage You go yeah Well I didn't like Shagging your mum Yeah yeah It's all like boom Oh you would have had him back If you had said that

Yeah But when it's afterwards It really hurts Like I didn't really like it That's a really considered You know opinion They've seen the whole night. They've seen your bit, maybe another actor.

I mean, oh, yeah. He needs to know. Or they go up to the actor that they like, who you're talking to. Yeah, that's the worst one. Yes. That's much more often. Great gig. Great gig.

And then they get to you. Nice shirt. See you, mate. Yeah. Nice posture. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I've had that happen. How long have you been going for?

That's the subtle diss. I've had that happen where they've gone around the circle and gone, you were great, you were great, you were great, got to me, made the eye contact, started the point, and then just stopped and walked off. Didn't even bother to try and cover it with a nice shirt or anything. Just span on the heels. Yeah, it was just devastating. I hope you hunted them like the dog they were.

That would have been cool. I went home and cried. And then remembered that I was in Perth and I went, who cares? I'm better, I'm better than this. They're richer than you though. That's very fair. You're, you're traveling a lot being an international comedian, Gordon. I went to Sydney a couple of weeks ago and I don't know if you've copped this or not, but I went with my girlfriend away for a weekend to go and see a show and it was like

a nice weekend out and we stayed in a very nice hotel and what we made the mistake of doing was in the morning going, we come out and I said, all right, I need some breakfast. Why don't we just have the hotel breakfast? Ba-bam. Oh, you don't do that. God, what was I thinking? Yeah.

So anyway, I agreed to that. We went into the hotel breakfast bit. And the big warning sign was there was no price anywhere. How much was it? So we walked in there. We did an all-you-can-eat. Yep. Like a buffet.

Vegas style. Yeah. Well, you know, it's a breakfast buffet. Literally, I had bacon and eggs, and that was about it, and a hash brown. That'll be $46 each. Thanks, buddy. $46. Wouldn't you think that you should put that in writing somewhere?

Yeah. It's going to be $46 for a breakfast? Yeah. And of course you copped that bill. You copped the bill after you finish eating as well. Oh, so you can't then go back and go, oh, well, hang on. I'll just. Oh, really?

And it was sort of like the end of breakfast as well. I was like, how the hell is this? Like they must have taken all the ingredients to make the breakfast out of the hotel mini bar. That's what made it so expensive. And then you notice that you're just in a giant minibar, like you had to pull open this vacuum-sealed door to come in. I was like, man, I didn't know why it was so cold in here.

Yeah, whenever someone shuts the door, the light goes out. Why is there a giant Toblerone next to our table? Oh, that's what it was like. Because in our hotel room, this is, you know, no news. No one's learning anything here, but new heights in hotel chargery in the minibar, $8 for like a 40-gram chocolate bar. $8.

That is brutal. Who for $8? Does it have the thing where if you pick it up, it goes beep, like you pick up the bottle. I wonder how much this is. Beep, you've paid for it. Really? That works?

Sometimes they have little sensors. Nah, I don't think they have little censors. Bit of advice. I don't think they have. I haven't experienced that here. But there must be something like that because I never know how people know what you've eaten in the fridge. Like you do whatever. You go down to pay the bill and all of a sudden they go, you owe this much.

Well, there's a dude who goes, minibar. Oh. Yeah. Really? Yeah. I've never met him. Well, because, you know, there's that old trick where, you know, you eat whatever you want out of the minibar and then you just go down to 7-Eleven and replace it.

Yeah. You know, for like two bucks or whatever. With different things, like Slurpees. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sure this was a Turkish delight. Just chuck a car battery in there. So I had a bottle of whiskey and a Toblerone, but here's a Slurpee and a copy of nuts.

Actually, speaking of the thing where you pay for something and, you know, you've been shortchanged because you didn't have that much, that does remind me of when you get a Slurpee and a copy of nuts. Actually, speaking of the thing where you pay for something and you've been shortchanged because you didn't have that much, that does remind me of when you get a Slurpee. You know how sometimes you fill the Slurpee right up and then it sort of gradually sinks in a bit? Like it sort of deflates? Like there's a bit of froth in the Slurpee and sort of goes down? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it goes down like after you've paid for it and you're like, can you go back and top it up? Well, last time, no, not the last time. We went to LA and New York together a couple of months back. Before that, the last time I went to LA, we stayed in a nice hotel and then we got out of there. And by the time we got home to Australia, we got sent a bill that said, oh, you, last night you ate, you know, a week ago you ate four Toblerones and six Mars bars and a couple of bottles of Perrier. And I'm like, what are you talking about?

Who am I? But then you. Kev Federline. Yeah. Boom. As a reference to a reality show you're doing. Yeah, that's what I'm doing. Yeah.

I'm like, but how do you defend yourself in that situation? I'm like in a different hemisphere. And so I go, I didn't have that. And they go, case closed. All right. Really? Yeah. And that was it.

I was like, oh, that's too easy. I was going to say say, it almost cost you more money to make the long distance call to tell them that you didn't eat that than it would to just pay the- Or to go back and defend yourself in court. No, then to call and then to just pay the 58 bucks and go, yeah, look, I ate that. It doesn't matter. Yeah. I found that very weird. Like, it's just my word against theirs.

And they're like, okay, we're back now. Yeah, that's nice. No worries. But I've had someone walk in, a they're like, okay, we're back now. Yeah, it's nice. No worries. A friend of mine, someone walked in and said, you had some cashew nuts and an orange juice last night. And he went, no, I didn't. And they both stood there looking at the fridge. And the guy says,

yeah, you won't. He was just having a go. I think they work on commission. Really? He was trying to mind control, walking to go? They were just trying to get... I think they work on commission. Really? What? He was trying to mind control, walking to go, that stuff's gone out of the fridge and I'm still there. There'll be a guy wandering around the foyer just saying Toblerone. Wow.

I made that up. You shouldn't have said that. Just the image. The image of two men just staring at a fridge, just waiting for an answer. Looking at that. Like it's going to open its door and go, he had the nuts. You ate these cashews.

Those cashews there. Yeah, those cashews there. The fridge just opens its door and spits out an empty bag. They should be looking at the bin to see if there's an empty packet of cashews in there. That's a real test. They should have the sensors in the bin. That would be good

A great piece of advice If you have whiskey in your minibar You can replace it with cold tea If you feel lucky Because it looks the same colour But they might detect that the seal is broken That's like that old trick where What is it where

You know like when you're a kid Like people's parents would put vodka in the freezer And kids would like You know pinch it Drink it all And then fill it up with water. Which doesn't freeze. Yeah.

And then it breaks or whatever. Oh, that's the word. Because I never knew that. And I found out that on the same trip. Hmm? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

It breaks the glass. Whereas, yeah, vodka doesn't. At the very day when I came back from LA that day and I bought two massive big bottles of cheap, but really good quality vodka, brought it back. Cheap, but good quality. No, no, no. It was shooty free.

It was shooty free. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I was like, what's the good vodka? It just sounded- Cossack. Cossack. No, not that one. Not that good.

Flat of Vostok? Absolute. Yeah. Absolute. Is that good? I don't know. I guess so. They advertise it.

That makes me think it's good. That's a name brand? That's a big name brand. So I, and then I found out that on the same trip, like you put it in the freezer and it doesn't freeze. I'm like, awesome. So I had these massive bottles of vodka, put them in the freezer. What they didn't say is that the seals didn't work on the bottle.

And so then they were just gone. So I opened up the freezer the next day and they were just, I had, I was, the freezer was underwater with vodka. What do you mean? Like the vodka popsicle? No, because it didn with vodka. What do you mean? Like the. Like vodka popsicle. No, because it didn't freeze. It just leaked out of the bottle.

So I just had peas floating in vodka. Did you eat those peas and just get off your head? No, that is. That was some strong soup. That is a nutritious mojito. Yeah. Oh, I was so disappointed. Because it's that thing where you think you've got this awesome bargain,

and it's just gone. Meat and three veg night at the Chandler house was a bloody treat that night. Yeah. That's a weird food pyramid right there when you eat that meal. Hey, I want to talk about this. I was at my parents' house the other day, and they have a dog. My dog. my dog. Your dog?

Thorn. And I was outside getting some washing off the line, and I stepped in some dog shit in bare feet, which is just the biggest insult of all. So I just scream out. I just start yelling obscenities. And mum goes, oh, what happened? I'm like, oh, what do you think happened?

Because I'm like washing my foot in the shower. And I go, yeah, I stepped in some of Thorne's shit. And mum goes, oh, badly? I'm like, is there a degree of stepping in shit? Is there like a good or bad? Yeah. But it has got me thinking because we're looking after my, listeners will know, I've just moved in with my girlfriend and we've got her.

Speaking of living with a dog, I'm living with my girlfriend at the moment. No, it's what I'm interpreting you've just said. No, you didn't let me finish. This is a stitch up. This is, you've white handed me something good. We're looking after. Have you stepped in your girlfriend's shoe? Is that what you?

She's been trying to. Have you done it badly or goodly? She's been trying to. Have you done it badly or goodly? She's been trying to prank me. She's been leaving little coiled up ones all over the house just trying to get me. Well, Valentine's Day is coming up. I'll look down and I'll see her sitting on the couch and I'll go, you nearly got me, you scallywag. Here's my poo.

We've been looking after her dog and here's the thing that I'm not... Did you have a pet growing up? Did any of you have dogs growing up at any stage? Yes, yes, yes. Here's the thing that I find weird. Spotty. Spotty and Choco, both Jack Russells. Choco?

Yes. He had brown spots. That was named by an eight-year-old. Choco Chandler. Yeah. Yeah. I was eight years old. He was a good dog.

I might have to stop. I don't know why I'm enjoying that good dog. I might have to stop. This is, I don't know why I'm enjoying that so much. Have you got photos of Choco Chandler? Yeah, I want to have some of that. Can we get a photo of Choco Chandler up on the Facebook? Oh, it's just a Jack Russell. It's funny though. Is it?

I don't know. Anyway, here's another fun. I love that dog. Huh? I love that dog. I've never seen you be so sincere about anything. I know, I like animals. Yeah.

that dog. I've never seen you be so sincere about anything. I know. I like animals. Yeah. I find it weird when people have pets, it happens with dogs in particular, and they'll have like a family pet and they'll sort of co-opt it into the family tree. Like, you know when you hear people sort of talk to the dog and they'll talk about like the parents and they'll talk to the dog and go, what are mum and dad doing?

What are mum and dad doing right now? And then with the kids, they'll be like, what's your sister doing over there? What's your sister doing? Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what, you're somehow now, you're in this family tree. There's some sick. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

When you say co-opted into the family tree, that means that it somehow breeds with the humans. But that's what I mean. Like, that's like, that's that weird thing where suddenly there's a branch where, you know what I mean? Where it's like, oh, your sister's over there. Hey, little dog, your sister's over there. It's like.

And she's some sort of girl dog hybrid. Yeah, exactly. It's like, so what's happened here? Mum's pushed out a dog. Yeah, yeah. And then pushed out a human. Like, how does that work? And because we've got my girlfriend's dog in the house at the moment, she's like, she's for some reason, she's calling me the stepdad of the dog.

Right. So, like, how does this work? So, I'm saying what? So, you. That's nice stepdad of the dog. Right. So like, how does this work? So I'm saying what? So you fucked a dog, you had a little dog and now you're with me. And you have to put that dog through college. Yeah. Now I'm supporting this thing that's not even mine. Well, the good thing is because you're not directly related to the dog, if something

happens between you, that's okay. Like a step-popper stepdad. Like a Woody Allen. The Soon-Yi is a dog. You can elope with the dog. Some people will frown on it, but there's nothing legally. Jesus Christ. Imagine if that was the path that my life went down.

Just cast it in one of your movies now and again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You stop making funny movies, stop making funny podcasts, start making serious podcasts, and start rooting a dog. A romantic podcast. Oh, good God. One man, one dog. It's creepy, isn't it?

Like, it's just dawned on me the other day. I'm trying to squash it because I don't like it. I don't like it. I'm trying to squash the dog. Trying to squash the dog with my shit. It also means that you're walking around standing in your son's shit. Yeah. Instead of your girlfriend's.

Badly. Because it's her want. Not well. Badly. Yeah. It's just weird. I'm on board with it. You what?

You're bored with it? I'm not on board with it. Oh, right. You're not on board with it. Yeah. It's, I don't know. People get too into it. I really like animals.

I get sort of told off because I walk down the street and if there's any cat or any dog, and I know this, you probably don't believe this and it this, and it doesn't come up as part of my character. Any time you have to preface something with a lot of backstory is always good. I will touch any dog or cat in the street. If I go near an animal, I have to stop and touch it. Yeah, dogs are fucking great, man. Let's just talk about dogs and how good they are for the next half hour.

I like cats as well. I'm not even a strong dog fan. There are cats I don't like, actually. The weird ones. Garfield being the main one. No, Garfield's fine. I'd pat Garfield if I saw him in the street. What about you, Gordon?

Are you a dog or a cat now? I enjoy a company of dogs very much. And I've actually started walking a friend's dog in South London. Oh, great. Which I've stopped doing to come here. But it's a lovely black Labrador puppy, full of beans, just great company. Well, we'll be right now. I hasn't had a walk for a couple of days.

Here's the thing. Right. I didn't realise what a fanny magnet a dog is. Because you walk around the park. Yeah, and that's the first time we've ever had that phrase in the show. Fanny magnets. Because that's the first time we've had an English guest. That should be, yeah, magnets, very British.

That should be an album. That should be a festival show. That should be the name of your memoir. Just everything you do from now on should be fanny magnets. What's this brief history of history crap? Gordon Southern fanny magnets. It's just you. The post is you holding one of those giant cartoon magnets.

If you had had that, the bloke from the bottle shop would have given you the money for the ticket already. Well, if you had have had that in the photo shoot with your wife and the other clan,

I mean, no contest. She would have just been stuck to you and he would have been there with his hands in his giant pockets just pulling out tissues or whatever they do.

And crying into them. Yeah. We digress many ways. But the dog means that other single women with dogs go. Sure. And I didn't realise. And she goes, what's your dog? And I went, I couldn't say it's my dog.

I went, oh, it's a friend's dog. And I went, oh, it's a Labrador. Oh, how old? Don't know. You don't know how old your dog is? No. And she wandered off like, nutter. Yeah.

So kind of a magnet. He's stolen a dog. Yeah, yeah. I bet he goes out with a clown. In the way that some magnets repel each other. I'm busting to have a dog. I'm also the sort of person that never goes past the pet shops in the shopping centre. Oh my God, yeah.

Just has to go up there and... Oh, I've done that in Adelaide. Yeah. Because they had Labradoodles, which is like a bizarre, horrible scientific experiment of loveliness. Labrador and poodle together at last. Yeah. I think I saw a Labraspaniel today.

Is that even a breed? Oh. King Charles Labradors. Oh, King Charles Cavaliers? Like a Labrador with big, long, curly, ringlet ears. I don't know. Oh, God. They should have a petting zoo in the shopping centre.

Instead of that shop, they should just make it a petting zoo and charge $10. I would go in there for $10. Yeah, big time, because those pet stores, it's sort of so cute because there's little puppies running around, but at the same time it's, like, really heartbreaking. They're running around. They're fighting in newspapers.

But that's what I mean. Like, it's kind of really cute but really heartbreaking at the same time because you're sort of like, aw, aw, aw, aw. You're like, how am I meant to feel about this? I feel good about them. They live in the shopping centre. That would be awesome. You get to live at Chasden or whatever.

You've got access to the food court. They're living, they're like every, there's like an episode in every sitcom where the kids get locked in a mall. They're like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We had a dog in the Riverlands where my wife's uncle lives, and the dog was a blue heeler crossed with, I think, a Tasmanian devil. And it was ill.

It was mentally ill. Always spinning around. Yes. It was haunted. It was like its hindquarters were haunted by a ghost that it hated. So it spent the whole time going, ah, and pulling chunks out of its own flank, hating itself. So to stop it, they're on a budget. So rather than get a proper, like a lampshade cone, ice cream carton and gaffer tape.

So then the dog had this square little bonnet. It looked like a badly assembled robot. It'd be funny if they hadn't properly cleaned the ice cream tray out so the dog's just sort of always licking the sides of it, getting a bit of extra nipple. For a second, I presumed that there was no room for that face to come out. It was just doomed to... Lid closed. Yeah, lid closed.

I'll give you an image. The dog looked Elizabethan. Kids, it's your night to take old blue ribbon for a walk. Have you met the elephant dog? A dog too ugly for you to see its face. No, right. So imagine a dog... It's like a dog had stuck his head through a little portable television.

Right, right. That's good. That would be good. That's really great. Chuck, right. That's good. That would be good. That's really great. Chuck a few knobs on the side. That would actually be good. Yeah. Just before, when you said Tasmanian Devil, it just made me think of this.

I've always loved the Warner Brothers cartoons, The Tasmanian Devil. He was one of my favorite cartoon characters growing up. I just love how the makers of that cartoon, they've taken the name, they've had a look at the actual Tasmanian Devil and gone, nah, we'll just come up with our own thing, thanks. I remember watching those cartoons and then being so disappointed that there wasn't an animal that literally went vroom.

Same thing. I was really disappointed when I found out that was just Bugs Bunny with lipstick. There wasn't actually a female rabbit that you could go out with. You were really disappointed the first time you shot a duck in the face and its building just spin around its head a couple of times. Just a bloodied stump. And you're going, oh. Oh, actually, it's a bit more funny.

I think the Tasmanian Devil was actually Yosemite Sam that they just put an animal's face on. Pretty much, yeah. He's just a big, furry Yosemite Sam. It was like, we've got the template, let's just do that. Or as I used to pronounce him, Yosemite. Yes. Yeah.

Why did you pronounce it? Because they always say it. That seems like a thing that you would look at written. Just when I would see it written down. You're a weird kid that you only ever saw the transcripts of cartoons. I preferred the

novelisations. Send in for the fact sheet after the show. I'd like to see Yosemite Sam the novel. Oh the book is

so much better than the five minute cartoon in between the goodies and Doctor Who. It was lovely. He was hunting wabbits with a oh man hey um uh i want to get to this just quickly um a friend of mine uh a female friend

of mine has uh this recurring thing that happens with her where she, for the last couple of years, continually gets text messages from a guy that she went to high school with that she was sort of friendly with, but she didn't really know that well. And he's clearly a bit nuts. Like he's gotten it through his head that there was something going on with them and that she's sort of fucked him over in some way, right? So he'll send her messages at like three in the morning being really like, you know, you're a slight and you know it. And like all this kind of like really, really horrible stuff. And she's gone to the cops about it a couple of times and like he keeps doing it. But anyway, I was telling my girlfriend about it and saying, you know, like, you know, she's getting it.

Like it's happening a lot and she's gone to the cops and that hasn't done anything. So I was like saying that Me and a couple of mates Were saying to her Like give us This guy's phone number And we'll call him Give him a taste Of his own medicine

Yeah we'll call him And just harass him And go listen arsehole Like back off our friend Rah rah rah And I tell my girlfriend this I'm like you know We want to call him up

And I was thinking I'll call him up And go listen mate Rah rah And she just stops me And goes probably Should be someone With a deeper voice

Than you No but you can send A text in caps They'd never know That you had That sort of voice Listen, mate, rah, rah. And she just stops me and goes, probably should be someone with a deeper voice than you. No, but you can send a text in caps. They'd never know that you had that sort of voice. I was thinking, what if I got one of those scream, like from the movie Scream, like a voice modulator thing, but then it just ends up sounding like a wavy girl. Send a text in a masculine typeface. Maybe courier.

I'm not messing around. Send him like a Threatening ransom note In the mail maybe Yeah All different Every single letter A different typeface

Yeah But all from men's magazines Just so he knows All from FHM Or Ralph or Zoo Yeah yeah yeah Right that makes sense Gordon you were telling us earlier

About being detained in Bahrain Oh yes I made a mistake I came here via the Middle East And had a gig in Bahrain. What's it like? I've never stopped off here. Is it?

Is it good? Is it worth going to? No, it's fine. Oh, really? Well, it's kind of, there's a lot of oil. What happens in Bahrain is there's a causeway from Saudi Arabia. I thought, I thought. I thought, I thought.

That's not even how it's written down. Saudi Arabia. It's not even how it's written down. Saudi Arabia. And so the sheikhs who live in the strict Muslim state of Saudi Arabia drive to Bahrain to get drunk. Right. Oh, because that's not a dry area. It's not dry in Bahrain.

So I've seen the most arresting image I've ever seen. It's a sheikh in full immaculate white dishdash with the big headdress on. And he had like a pool cue and a pint of Guinness in one hand and a cigarette and a Russian woman in the other. Yeah. It's just like, hey!

You know, I should get back. The wives will kill me. But I had to go through security and fill in a landing card. And it says occupation. I thought, I've had this a lot. Don't put comedian

because then they go, tell us a joke then. So I put writer. Bearing in mind, there's been a year of rioting in Bahrain. So they said, what?

So they took me to one site and we've got a writer here. Like, we got one. We've got an agitator, a journalist, a troublemaker, a ne'er-do-well. I thought they thought you put rioter as an occupation. Like you're going to put terrorist as an occupation and wonder why you get pulled up. In the same way that you can't say things that are written down, you can't miss here, W-R.

Or like their Elmer Fudd, we've got a writer here. You know what I mean? And I wrote it down. Although I can't pronounce my R's, I can fucking write them down. So W-R-I-T-E-R. They just thought he's here to sow the seeds of discontent amongst the young, jobless Muslim men in Bahrain. So I was sweated for 40 minutes, and I ended up panicking and going,

look, I'm not a writer like you think. I just write jokes for radio and television. They up panicking and going, look, I'm not a writer like you think. I just write jokes for radio and television. They're really silly and stupid. My wife's a clown for God's sake. Look at this picture

of my wife. Look at our wedding photo. She did not dress up as a clown in our wedding photo. That's disappointing. I did. Bit of a prank.

It's like converting to Judaism or whatever. You converted to clown for the wedding. Yeah. Clownism. Imagine. So her parents are both clowns, I take it? Yes. From a long line.

So listeners will know, like I was mentioning before, I've moved house recently. Before that, where I lived before, I was like an easy walk into the city. Like I was a nice, easy stroll, like 20, 25 minutes. But now I'm not much further out, but I'm just that little bit where it's like if you sort of press for time, you can't really walk. No. So I never caught public transport at my old place because I would walk everywhere.

But now I've been catching the tram a lot more and I'd forgotten how much great stuff you just overhear on trams. I've got a brilliant tram story. The tram on the way here, there was an absolutely classic junkie couple, which is, I think, unique to Melbourne, that the junkies are like, they're like how Hollywood would portray a junkie. Who do the junkies go out with in London then? Do they?

Well, junkies are just mixed marriages. They go out with. No, this was a clown. They go out with clowns. Wow. I'll be honest.

I live in Brixton, which is more of a crack cocaine neighborhood. So, you know, the shops never close, never sleeps. But I saw there was a guy who had his arm in a sling and he was blind in one eye, like someone had

punched it out so he was like a sort of early prototype slash Terminator and then he was just wandering around the tram

just opening windows closing windows oh I'm so hot I'm sweating so much she was sweating out of her neck I've never seen it and they had

a big plastic bag which they kept knocking over in case you were in any doubt full of syringes and gauze. So they're going, I think they're junkies. They're arguing.

They're very bad-tempered. They're sweating. They've got their folio there with them. They're covered in scars and scabs, and they just smash open the plastic bag, and there's some syringes. Jackpot. They could be nurses who just can't take care of themselves, to be fair.

Could be clumsy nurses. They had come from the hospital take care of themselves, to be fair. Could be clumsy. Nurses on heroin. They could be clumsy nurses. They had come from the hospital. Well, yeah, there you go. I got a tram today, and I've taken it on even taking my iPod with me, because the stuff you hear is just so much better. There were these two guys, like an older guy and a younger guy, so a guy in his 30s and then like a guy in his 50s and they must have worked together or something.

But they were just having, they're having one of those conversations, and I've been guilty of this, where you forget that you're not in a bubble on your own. Like, because you're there with a mate, you don't realize that everyone else on the tram are just people on their own without iPods. So it's not even eavesdropping. You're the only people talking and people have no choice but to listen into you. So they're talking about a mate of theirs and they're like,

one of them goes, what's happened to him? Where's he been recently? What's he been doing? And then the other guy goes, I called up old Rhonda Rottenbox the other day and asked after him. I'm like, what? What is this? And he goes, Rhonda Rottenbox, wasn't she in Oliver Twist? You directed her.

You should know. She's the bad guy in Oliver Twist 2. The twisting. Nancy Sykes' friend. She wouldn't give Oliver any more. But they're just having this conversation. They're just having this conversation about how a friend of theirs is really into fat women.

And this went on for about ten minutes, just brutally dissecting all the women he's been with and going, oh, because, you know, he's a bit of a feeder, isn't he? Like he likes being fat and he likes them fat. And everyone's just sort of doing that thing where you're sort of listening into this great convo but trying to make it look like you're not listening. Like you're just pretending like, oh, there's a new chord on this tramp. Put that up there.

Like it was awesome. And then it went on. And then we go past a fire station and one of them goes, yeah, the fire station, yeah, went in there the other day. And then we go past a fire station and one of them goes, yeah, the fire station. Yeah, I went in there the other day and I was thinking about, like, I was really thinking about, you know, trying to become a fireman because I thought it'd be really good. Like, it'd be a really good job. And then I went in there and do you realize how much work they have to do? I saw how much work they have to do and I was like, fuck that.

They've always got to be ready. They've got to do all the training. And then if there's a fire on, you're just flat out. You're not working all the time. It's not just sliding down that pole and that's it. It's not just a simplified monkey bars routine in there. I think he got the fire department confused with Wobby's world. I think that's what he thought it was.

Guys, that brings us to the end of the Little Dumb Dumb Club. For another week, we want to thank Gordon Southern for joining us. I think there's a show coming up. Yeah, I have a show coming up. But, you know, don't ask me. Ask the guy who works at the box shop. He has my leaflet. So if you want to know the details, go to www.vintagesellersinsouthmorban.com.

Ask for, what was his name, John? Was it John? It was John, who was a student who was just slumming it. A student. He works there on Fridays. He's got all the information in his back pocket, so he should be able to hook you up. A brief history of history. Yeah, on a more cynical note, Gordon Southern on Twitter,

and I've got a website and all that business. Yeah, it's in Melbourne, Adelaide. It's in Melbourne, Adelaide and New Zealand. Oh. I don't think we have any. Do we have any Kiwi listeners? I don't know. If we have any New Zealand listeners, let us know. Let's in Melbourne, Adelaide and New Zealand. Oh. Ew. I don't think we have any. Do we have any Kiwi listeners? I don't know. If we have any New Zealand listeners, let us know.

Let's check the stats. Yeah, we don't know. Let's find out. I'm going to be in Auckland and Wellington. Get in touch with the Dum Dum Club. I'm going to say we don't have any New Zealand listeners. I'm going to say that. Really?

Yeah, I'm going to say that. That's the challenge. Yeah. If you're in New Zealand, get in touch. Yeah. Prove Carl Chandler wrong. Yeah, prove me wrong. Yeah.

Go and check Gordon Southern out at the festivals. I saw him last night at Softbelly, and he was absolutely great. You'll have a great time there. Thank you guys for listening. We're on Twitter, at DumDumClub. We may have some T-shirts for sale. You may have heard about that before. Yeah, we've got T-shirts.

LittleDumDumClub at gmail.com if you would like one. We've got tickets on sale for Melbourne International Comedy Festival, live shows. We've got the live shows coming up. Yep, every Monday of the comedy festival. And someone great who we've talked about a little bit in the last couple of episodes started following us on Twitter last night. Fingers crossed.

Fingers crossed. We'll be getting in touch with Warwick Capper's infamous manager. Don't say the name! Why? We've been talking about him for hours. I just wanted to be a little Easter egg for the people that know what's going on. No, I smashed the Easter egg. That's it.

Feast on the chocolate inside. Smashed the Easter egg. You've eaten the head off that chocolate rabbit. Yeah. Yeah, so come along. We're really planning some great stuff. We can't stress that enough. It's going to be heaps of fun.

It's going to be worth the cost of admission. We're going to get people stuff we can't stress that enough it's going to be it's going to be heaps of fun it's going to be it's going to be worth the cost of admission we're going to get people who we haven't had before people we're trying for people outside the realm of the comedy festival

and stuff like that who you will know from other stuff so yeah it's going to be heaps of fun get a ticket even the bloke John from the bottle shop

he's probably going to be here instead of going to Gordon's show he's loving it send us an email littledumbdumbclub at gmail.com. Leave us an iTunes review. Thank you very much for listening, and we will see you next time.

See you, mates!